Pendejo Time - Creek and Cave Live Show 12/10

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

wop bobba loo bop a wop bam booSupport the Show.

Bring it? Bring what? The child porn. Yeah, I... I like, you know, I didn't really check my bag. Because you make and distribute it, you were telling me in there. Well, like, it's not like my main job. It's your side hustle.

It's like, you know, everybody has a hobby. Yeah, yeah, some guys skateboard, other guys make, sell, and distribute child pornography. Yeah, it's not like I'm even good at it. You pick things up. Very, very... To be like, oh man, that's cool, you do a podcast. I'm kind of'm even good at it. You pick things up. Very, very... To be like, oh, man, that's cool. You do a podcast. I'm kind of just now getting into it.

I wouldn't want to show anybody. I wouldn't want to show anybody. I'm not all the way there yet. The editing and the sound's a little rough. Yeah. But we're getting there. I'm kind of the David Lynch of child pornography. Yeah.

I don't know what the fuck that means. That doesn't mean anything. I'm glad there's no lights out there. So I don't know, you know, if something lands, that's cool, but I don't know shit. It could be nobody out there and they've just kindly put a speaker with laugh tracks out there. As far as I know, there's six people here and I appreciate you coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, dude, if my dad's out there,

Big Dave, no, he's probably, there's no fucking way. One of my friends, he's not here, bro. Your dad is not here. He did call me and he was like, hey, I heard you're doing a comedy show. And I was like, yeah, Boomhauer, we're doing the fucking thing.

And he was like, well, I don't got a place to stay or nothing. And I was like, I, Boomhauer, we're doing the fucking thing. And he was like, well, I don't got a place to stay or nothing. And I was like, I'll see you later, man. What are you doing, dude? He didn't say we had to sit down the whole time. You look like the first sex of Predator ever. Like a caveman who went cave to cave and was like, me touchy touchy. I have to. The state requires. You look like that now in this moment. I like the braids, though.

Yeah, I actually don't. I don't look like that, so that's my comeback. How about that? I have no idea. I did not put a timer, so if somebody knows how long an hour is, just fucking stand up and fire a fucking gun right into my chest. Boo! Don't do that. This is a nice place. I hope we can

come back here one day. Someday. Don't take my vape. a nice place. I hope we can come back here one day. Someday. Don't take my vape. I don't even know if we can hit it up here. Okay, I guess it's like a community vape now that you get to hit whenever you want. I own it! Right. Now he owns it.

Yeah, I wanted, so my mom was supposed to come. She's like a born-again Christian, and she was like, what's the show even about? Pussy. It's about doing your chores. I've never once done a painkiller in my whole life. That's like the majority. The only painkiller I need is a Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit and a fucking Perk 30. That's my Lord tab right there. The Lord tab. There we go. We me. That's my Laura tab right there. The Laura tab. There we go. We're fucking right off the bat. I mean, come on. We're just crushing it, dude.

Yeah, she was like, I'm coming. And I was like, okay, well, the show is at a parking garage somewhere. Like, not, you know. She, like, wants to come. She wants to be supportive, which is very kind. But I don't even think she's listening to the show. My dad listens to the show, which is kind of weird because I spend at least half the episodes being like, yeah, he left me in a parking lot somewhere.

Shithouse drunk. He did a bunch of crack and was just like, I gotta go. I gotta go now. And bailed. Oh, well. Hey, listen. Welcome to therapy hour with Jake.

Suck my dick from scratch, you fucking piece of shit. I'm glad a thousand people are here. By the way, I'm sad. I'm sad tonight. I want you guys to hear about... I saw something scary on the way here. There's a spider in the dressing room. Anything else?

Yeah, man. I'm here all night, you know. Are you? I hope so. Yeah. I got an Uber picking me up halfway through the show, so I think you can take it from me. They're just going to crash at the fucking front doors or what?

Don't worry about it. It's like not your problem. I mean, yeah, I guess that's true. Dude, you got a sick-ass table for this show. Yeah, you know, Walmart... You went all out. I did. This is the cheapest table I've seen in my fucking life.

Yeah. Walmart had a sale on fucking podcast tables. You can't play beer pong on this table. That is true. I mean, you could. I mean, you could play it on that stool if you're good enough. Well, here's the thing. I got this.

The show sucks, so that's why I got this. You know, there's multiple ways to look at it. Yeah, I guess you're right. I think that the next phase of the show is that we get into modeling. I think that's a good of the show is that we get into modeling. I think that's a good idea for one of us.

Which one? Careful. No, I just like one of us could do something else maybe, like production or like audio technician type thing. Right, right. One of us could do that. One of us could send the wrong files every fucking week To the other guy and the other one could just like figure it out. It's like that's his job

It kind of like probably Right right you just collect your fucking money dude. Yeah, literally yes so far. It's working. Yeah No, no, you got the you got the I mean you just got the braids dude So far, it's working. Yeah. Fuck it. I don't know. I mean, you just got the braids, dude. I got it. You do got it. And you get to get away with stuff like that. Like what? Making, selling, and distributing child pornography.

We already talked about this. I mean, okay, so far. How long you been at it? Don't worry about it. How old are you, 28 years old? I am younger than you. You don't look it. Don't worry about it. How old are you? 20, 38 years old? I am younger than you. You don't look it. I do. People call me an old soul.

They call you an old man. They call me a skilled lover. Your girlfriend's here. Can we ask her? You cannot. You cannot. They call me a liar. They call me a liar. What else do they call you?

Mr. Pimp Dick. Why? That's just like my street name. Oh, okay. The mean streets of Fort Worth, Texas. Bro, there's like a few bad parts. I don't go there. You don't live in one of them.

Okay. There's different ways to look at it. There's not. I live less than 10 miles away from a bad area. I can walk there in a couple days. You do live alarmingly close to a Whataburger, which is extremely fucked up. I live next to a railroad, and it haunts me, but that's okay. He told me, I was sleeping on his couch, and he was like,

there's like a creepy noise that happens. It's not a big deal. And I'm like, it's the first time we hung out in person because we'd only talked on the show over the internet. We're not really like friends. Yeah, we hate each other. And so I'm like, hey, when you go to a person's house for the first time, women in the audience, you go to a guy's house. There are not women in the audience.

There's one or two, yeah. You go to a guy's house and the date goes women in the audience. There's one or two. Yeah. You go to a guy's house and the date goes well. You have a great dinner. And he's like, by the way, spooky noises just are around. You act like you've never been, like, haunted. Yeah. It's like, all right, man. Your first time being possessed by, like, a Civil War ghost?

All right. You look like you're possessed by a Civil War ghost. You look like you're possessed by the urge to shut the fuck up. How about that? Boom! I've seen how loud that would be, and it wasn't as loud. It wasn't as loud as you wanted it to be. I wonder if it gets louder if I...

It has a bonnet on it. This has like a condom. I already said that. And you said... Okay, now I'm supposed to listen to stuff. Yeah, you're supposed to... That's the point of a podcast. We talk to each other.

Have you ever done one before? I don't know. Do you have brain damage, man? No. I have a lot of it. Like a lot. That's fine. I mean, I feel like

if you go through life with too much of it intact, it turns into like a... It's like in... You ever see like 2001? The year? No, like the computer. It's like there's stuff

that can happen. And it's like it's better if it doesn't. Is this one of the, like, episodes where you get schizophrenia, like, 20 minutes into the fucking show? No. That's not something I've ever, like, secretly had symptoms of.

I'd tell somebody about that. Yeah, yeah. You can't. This isn't Dave Chappelle, man. You can't do whatever. Alright, whatever, dude. I left my cigarette. You poisoned that. I did. This is just like what they did to Socrates

except I didn't do any of the bad stuff. What's the bad stuff? Does it involve children? We already went down that route. No, he was just a bad philosopher. There was something notable that he did that was not good. Right.

He, like, spoke about philosophy in public. You're missing a key part of his story. Well, he was Greek, right? I do believe that he was, yes. Olive oil, thighs, stuff like that. Little children. He would be like... You know, you get some olive oil and thighs, you like that. Little children. He would be like... You know, you get some olive oil and thighs, you can throw that on a grill.

Goddamn. Thanks. A little garlic, salt, pepper, a little lemon. Make a little marinara. There's a bar up, we were walking up here, it's called Marinara Moments. That's the most Italian bar. I don't even know what you...

It's like when you get, like, I think when they go into a coma, that's what they call, like, the fading... What? They call fading away into God's warm embrace Marinara Moments? No, like, you get it. I don't feel the need to stretch this one out. moments? No, like, you get it. I don't feel the need to stretch this one out. So, when I'm on my deathbed, the doctor's like, hey, family's here.

You're having your marinara moment. Right. I don't see why. You're not catching on. I don't think... You know what marinara moment could be for? Just a period. I'm sorry, that sucks.

Dude, that sucks so bad. Boo! I saw one thumbs down from the guy in the front row. Can we get that guy? I'm just kidding. No, he can stay. He can stay. Have you ever pissed in a jar because you didn't want to go to the bathroom?

One time, I used to like, those Big Gulp. You pissed in a Big Gulp? I filled up a Big Gulp. That's, damn, dude, that's sick, man. And just, like, throwing it in somebody's yard. I used to do that, like, weekly basis. Weekly? Yeah.

Why? Not this week. Oh. We've been hanging out a lot. I would hope that it, you know. This is the first time we've touched. Sometimes when we touch. Is that a song or is that just like you?

It's a song. I'm touching. This projects nice when you hit it. Yeah, it's a microphone. That's how they fucking work, dude. Oh, sorry I'm not, you know, Mr. Sound. You know, when you got a sound guy back there,

his whole job is sound. Me, I'm a... Let's hear it. I'm a vibes guy. You're a vibes guy? I'm kind of like the vibes department guy. You look like the Wendy's girl if she had a really bad life.

Like, if she was she was like halfway into her 50s decided to become a man like that's the Wendy's girl was like my name's Wendell. Think of something good. I'll give you 10 more seconds. Alright it's been a nice show. I'm glad you guys came out. I don't have to deal with this shit, you know?

I've got a life of my own. What do you do? I won't tell you. You just spit on me. You should be fucking flattered that I did. You know how many people in this audience are my friends that I've spit on? Raise your fucking hand if I've spit on you. That's a whole ass fucking table over there.

We talked about crowd work, and Jake is like, don't worry, I got this. Who all wants to spit on me after the show? I have a bunch of my old roommates here and a lot of the stories that I tell come from a place that we lived at together. Full of rats and bugs.

Drug dealers. How far back do these go? The curtains? You never know. Why are you fucking with shit up here, man? It's my job. Vibes department. Vibes department?

I'll show you the badge. What badge, dude? I'll show it. Shut the fuck, dude. Anyway, you had roommates. I had roommates. Yeah, I lived with people. You ever live with people, bro?

You just do some crowd work. Anybody ever live with anybody? Easy as that. Yeah, I lived with people. You ever live with people, bro? You just do some crowd work. Anybody ever live with anybody? Easy as that. Yeah, how easy? We could just do like seven bad minutes because we don't prepare anything for the show. And I'm like, anybody like eat food? Anybody get their dick sucked? Like even once?

Ew. Ew. Gross. Gross. This is a Christian podcast. Like, even once? Ugh! Ew! Ew! Gross! Gross. This is a Christian podcast. You guys ever eaten skin? Like your own skin? Or just like other people?

That wasn't a question. I have a follow-up question. That is it. Yeah. Okay. Uh, what? Food sucks? Dude, fuck you.

I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to fucking tear you apart. Rip you. Somebody left a really mean comment on the Patreon, and they were just saying rude shit, and Thomas was like, hey, man, I'm just going to molest you. And I was like, was that too far? And then it's like a grown man, like if you're in a bar fight,

and you're like, I'm going to beat the dog shit out of you. The guy's like, all right, then let's run it. If you are in an argument with another man, and you're like, I'm going to take you out back. I'm going to fucking molest you, dude. Even if you can't whoop that guy's ass, I would hope to God that he fucks off. I'm going to straight up like throat you.

Yeah. I'm going to cause you irreparable emotional damage. It's going to fuck up like throat you. Yeah. I'm going to cause you irreparable emotional damage. It's going to fuck up every relationship you have after this. You can't even look the pizza delivery man in the eye. No. Every time you answer the phone, you're like. Yeah. I don't do stuff like that.

Me neither. I haven't even thought about it. Nothing bad's ever happened to me in my life. Nope. Stop it. You been to church lately? I should go. We should do one of these at a church.

So, wasn't your dad a preacher? Do you want to expand on that? How'd that go? Yeah, he preached. Does he do stuff like this? But more like, you know. You got to stand up the whole time, but you get like a podium you can like.

This works, I think. You look like a. You look like you get kicked out of like a baseball game before you step foot. Keep it going, man. Let's see if that one hits. I got something that will hit. What's that? Damn, one, two. That's what I'm talking about. Damn. I's that? Damn, one-two.

That's what I'm talking about. Damn. I miss playing baseball. We should get into baseball. My favorite thing about baseball. What position do you play? I played first base. I was a right fielder because I sucked dick at it.

You sucked dick at T-ball? Was that something? Come on, let's open it up. You know, you got to get the extra Capri Sun somehow. You played a great game out there, boy, but there's something else you got to do for me. You hang out in the dugout, I'll give you some sunflowers. We got a hot wild cherry, but I got a cold tropical thunder Capri Sun.

There is one way you could gain access to this beverage, and it is through the front of my Wranglers. That's also how everybody got into this show. That's how I got into stand-up comedy. Yeah. Not what just I said, though. Yeah, you... No, you can elaborate on that a little bit. I was never molested at T-Ball.

It didn't happen there. Right. It usually doesn't. No, no, no. It was... You know, soccer practice. It's a different type of, yeah. We've all been there. We've all been there, you know. Anybody in the crowd been molested?

Woo! Where my victims at? Dude, hey, okay, so, like, I don't know how it would work, but on college applications, you should be able to put that for a scholarship. You should get like 500 bucks at least. At least 500! I had my shit slapped around in a broom closet. Give me $1,000.

You can get a new Xbox with that. Hey. Hey, you know what sucks? You know, having to suck dick at church. You know what does it? Xbox 360. Fucking Warzone, baby. So, you know, there's like, you check those boxes, it's like white, Hispanic, Native American, African American, Chinese, molested at the very bottom. In red bold letters.

Yeah. You have to provide proof. Did you ever do FAFSA? FAFSA? Bold letters. Yeah. You have to provide proof. Did you ever do FAFSA? FAFSA? Come on. Yes, I did do it, yeah. I didn't pay.

Yeah, I did do that, yeah. I didn't know you could get money from that, so I didn't fill it out. What did you think it was? A long-ass application. So you did... I did not apply for financial aid. How did you finish... How did you go to one semester at UT Arlington? They gave me money.

I don't know how I got it. Was it the molested box that you checked? I think they just figured it out. I showed up. I handed them the paper. And they're like, you're good, man. Don't worry about it. You can stay here for just a semester.

It's okay. Yeah. Did you have, like, dyed hair or something? Yeah. Yeah, I did. What color was it? It was red. Do you ever see somebody so fucked up looking and they're acting weird that the only thing you can think that made them that way is molested at a young age?

No, Jake. I've never met anyone like that. I can't say I can't name one person that I've met who I thought that was. You are looking at me like something else right now. Don't bite your lip, bro. Don't. Okay.

I can't see shit out there, so it's like it's fine. Yeah. Hey. I genuinely don't know if you're, I mean, you've already done it. I guess it doesn't fucking matter. Vape trick. What vape trick was that? That was, just blowing it out.

What the fuck was that? I'm going to say, I, I. You ever eat pussy before, dude? No. I'm busy. I got work and shit. I'm getting my money up. I gotta take the trash out. I got dishes to do.

I ain't no damn pussy. Come on. I can do that. I can't see them so it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is that Bernie Mac saying he's too busy to eat pussy? Who's that? Is that... I don't know. It's the only guy.

That's the only guy I know. I can't think of anyone else. Bernie Mac. Rest in peace, maybe. I think he is dead, yeah. Is Cedric the Entertainer still alive? I think he's still entertaining, yeah. Still going strong. Yeah.

Those guys are not average lifespan. Steve Harvey, he's still going, but he had to sell his soul. Did I tell you the one gift my dad gave me was a Steve Harvey wallet? Dude, that fucking rocks. He gave me more than one gift. One of those was alcoholism, but the other one was a Steve Harvey wallet that he got from the dollar store. And the wallet that he gave me before that was a

bad motherfucker wallet from the movie Pulp Fiction. Did it have Steve Harvey on it, or was it just his brand? It was a fake leather wallet. It was like, when you go to the dollar store, and they have one shirt there, and then a wallet, it was that, and he was like, Merry Christmas.

I was like, why does it say Steve Harvey on it? He was like, oh, he'd be selling wallets everywhere. That rules. It's cool to get gifts. You should appreciate it more. Appreciate a wallet gift from my dad? I think so.

Maybe I'll invite him to the second one. Maybe I'll bring him up on stage. You've been keeping tabs? Are y'all really cheering for my dad if he was here right now he'd be like people people know who i am my metallica cover band never took off but you know he uh dave I haven't heard that name in a long time. People usually call me a piece of shit, you know. Or get out of my... Get out, you know. Divorce papers are in, stuff like that, you know.

He used to... The reason I asked you earlier about the piss jar thing is I wanted to tell you a story about my dad. My dad... So, when my dad. My dad, so when my dad, when I was a kid, you know how when your parents do stuff, like you just assume that it's like normal because they're your parents when you're really young. You're like, oh, that's normal.

My dad would get too drunk and couldn't make it to the bathroom. So he would piss in like cups and mason jars around his room. And he called them his pee pee jars. And I thought that was the funniest shit in the fucking world. When you're six and your dad's like, I pee in a cup, you're like,

my dad's cooler than God. Because when you're six, it's like, I want to pee in a cup on a road trip. I want to be a firefighter. I want to go to space. And so I thought it was normal, and I thought it was cool to roll out a bed that's on the floor,

piss in a big gulp cup, as you mentioned, and then put it next to your bed because you had one too many fucking Coors Lights. So I go to school and I'm like on the playground and we're just like hanging out and playing. And we're like talking about like I had this very visceral memory of being like, yeah, like, where does your dad keep his pee cups? To another kid, and the kid's like, huh? And I was like, you know, like, the jars of pee that your dad pees in, and then just kind of leaves them around the room and stuff?

And he was like, my dad doesn't, my daddy doesn't do that. And I was like, that's fucking weird, dude. And I guess it, like, bordered on like inappropriate because a teacher overheard the conversation we were like near the little foursquare bordered on inappropriate yeah dude at the time I thought literally every human being was morally obligated to piss in an old mason jar and anyway the the teachers hi, I need to talk to you. Did you say that your daddy

pees in jars and leaves them in his room? And I'm like, yeah, it rocks. She was like, do you need me to call somebody? I'm like, oh, like my dad? She was like, no. And anyway, I had to explain that my mom picked me up from school, and I was like, no. And anyway, I had to explain to my mom, picked me up from school. I was like,

the teacher thought that the pee jars were weird. And she was like, the what? She was like, why do you, because she knew about them. She was married to the guy. So she was like, how do you know about dad's jars of piss? I was like, well, they are everywhere. You know how some people, like yuppie couples, they put little Christmas lights in mason jars? My dad's like that. But just like piss.

So anyway, after the show, me and you, I figured, to honor my dad, we could piss in a jar together. He's still alive, but I don't know for how much fucking longer at this point. I thought you'd never ask. We should do, you know what, every time my dad talks about dying which is at a weird frequency that he does that.

He was like, I want to be a big ass party. I don't want no motherfuckers crying and I'm like, I assure you no one will be crying. He was like, I want to be a big ass party. I don't want no motherfuckers crying. And I'm like, I'm sure you, no one will be crying. But you know, I'm, you know,

he was like, yo, I want, you got to get somebody to play. And I'm like, fucking who? What do you mean play? My dad wants to have like a, like a cover band funeral.

Only way to do it. Yeah. I don't know. We should do a show there at my dad's funeral. We could put this shit on a fucking casket. Yeah, we won't have any paper. It's not going to be open. That's for sure.

My dad talks about dying at 65. He's 54. But he talks about 65 like it's far away. And he'll be like, man, you know, once I get up there, I think I might just do it myself. I don't want to live too much longer, pass in. And I'm like, so you used to tell me this when you were like 48. And that's still, that's weird. You're about nine, you're saying in nine years, what is it? 2020, 2030, just calling it quits. He's like, I mean, I guess when you think about it that way, yeah, I suppose so. So anyway,

if my dad blows his brains out, we do the show there. Dude, honestly, that would be sick. We would have to charge your mom a lot of money. Like,

she is going in debt, but it's fine, bro. It's like... I mean, you know, I don't... You can do it for free, but I won't.

What would be... What would I have to pay you out? $90,000. To do my dad's funeral? Yes. All right. Will you settle for... That's like six... My dad, what I'm going to be given when my dad dies is half a pack of Marlboro Lights.

I'll take a quarter of a pack of Marlboro Lights. We got a deal. Okay, we can split that. I think he's got a Toyota 4Runner with like 300,000 miles on it. You can keep that. Okay, sick. He has a Glock 9. But I'd probably be a part of the investigation

I imagine. Yeah, yeah. That's probably gonna be... Just wipe it off. Yeah, yeah. It's in the will. It's like, just clean it off and hand it to my boy. It's going to have skull matter on it, but, you know. Somebody really thought that was good. Just dip it in the piss jar and move along.

I don't even know. You know what? Let's check. It's 12.05. Yeah, man, just get on your phone. Treat this like a fucking joke, why don't you, man? Let's check. It's 12.05. Yeah, man. Just get on your phone. Treat this like a fucking joke. Why don't you, man? Hey, man.

I had so much rain today. So Thomas, before the show, was like, I took my Adderall late. I'm on my second rain. And I'm like, so like 600 milligrams of caffeine in an Adderall. And about 11 American spirits. Okay. So what's your blood pressure at, you think? Probably like 10.

15, maybe, on a good day. You're probably going to live to be really old. Dude, I know I will because I already kind of look way older than I am, and that's usually a good sign. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I look like a spry. You ever look up the world's oldest person They always look old as fuck

You never see one who looks like Ryan Seacrest They're busted Why did you Who's thought about Ryan Seacrest in the last 10 years I thought about him earlier Thank you very much Why Because I'm in show business

And I need heroes. Dude, most people think about him every 20, 25 minutes. I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. Ryan Seacrest, you know, you keep bringing him up. Me? Yeah, I gotta stop. Is American Idol still going or did everyone kill themselves already?

Nicki Minaj was on there for a while. I don't know why. Nicki Minaj was on American Idol? No, she was like a judge. Oh, I thought you meant like a contestant. Like she's already famous. Well, you know, it's... I mean, I couldn't stop it.

You couldn't stop what? I don't have that much sway over American Idol. I've completely... What are you... Like, I could talk to... Is your Adderall wearing... I need to keep a fucking syringe of stimulants. I could talk to Ryan about it,

but, like, I don't know if he would do anything. Hey, are we okay, bud? Baby girl. I'm gonna lay you down out back. After the show, we're going to Chili's 2 for 20 and we splitting it. Damn. Damn.

I just wanted to hear what that was like. My girlfriend's in the audience and I don't know if she liked it. I don't know. We'll go to Applebee's. It's better. When is Applebee's closed? Hey, I went to, you know, last Thanksgiving I went to TGI Fridays. Like on Thanksgiving. Dude, that is so sad.

Yeah, and then like five months later, my grandma died. Man. But it had nothing to do with TGI Fridays. You guys start crying. You guys help us out a lot. I felt bad. My mom was like, I'm not cooking. Let's go out to dinner for Thanksgiving.

And then I was like, oh, where are we going? Like, what places are open? And she was like, TGI Fridays off the Beltway in Houston. It was like 45 minutes away. We drove 45 minutes to go to a TGI Fridays on Thanksgiving night. And then my mom was like, wow, the food's taking a long time and our service isn't that great.

And I was like, well, because it's a holiday. We're here at 1130. At a TGI Fridays. I feel like going to TGI Fridays on Thanksgiving is what you do right before you kill yourself. You never know. What do you mean you never know? You know, sometimes you don't expect it from people and it's just, it's in there the whole time.

In where? What's in where? You and your mysteries. My mysteries? Yeah. Hey, why do you have the pigtails, man? Can you carry a lab rat on that? Well, it's actually good for your hair structure.

Hair structure? Yeah. Your hairline? It's looking really good. It is? Yeah. Dude, if you burp on stage again, I'm walking out. Walking out where?

This is a classy show. It is? Yes. How? Look out. We have senators in This is a classy show. It is? Yes. How? Look out. We have senators in the audience tonight. Do we? Dude, what if Greg Abbott was here?

I don't know if he could get in. Why? You have to pick up each end. Each end of what? Do they have a ramp? Greg the leg Abbott? Yeah. We could have him on, I guess.

Dude, he would be a sick guest. What if we, like, try to sell it? Let's do one legit episode. Dude, what if we just had him on and, like, strapped him to the floor and, like, pissed on him for, like, an hour? This is not a political show, okay? You could, like, grab the back of the wheelchair and just, like, roll it. I do think it would be cool if you could do a jackass tooth thing and attach... What are you doing?

Is that what you're going to do to Greg? Yeah, you see... Did you look good, man? I would do it fast. You look like the coolest Mormon. I didn't come here to be assaulted for my beliefs. Weren't you, what were you, Church of Christ or something like that? I don't know.

Yeah. It was like a Nazi church or something. I think I should become like Pentecostal. You should become Chinese. Dude, that would be sick. Do you see? What? They got like surgeries now.

You can get like Chinese as fuck Oh yeah You can get Chinese as fuck Dude We're getting Chinese as fuck People get BBLs Fake tits And then I go to my surgeon

And say I need to be Chinese as fuck We got any fake Chinese people In the audience tonight Let's hear it Woo What is Hey listen Alright look The podcast takes off I get the BBL Like we talked about Yeah Let's hear it. Woo! What is this? Hey, listen. All right, look.

The podcast takes off. I get the BBL, like we talked about. Yeah. You get the fake tits. We both get Chinese as fuck. We can do the voice then. Without remorse or without getting in trouble. Right.

We usually feel bad about it. Yeah, I definitely feel bad every time I... Yeah, yeah. Do you want to do it right quick? I mean, I don't think a BBL takes like 10 minutes. The BBL voice? There is a BBL voice, and I can't do it ever. Wait, no, Kim K has one, doesn't she?

She has one, but she doesn't have a BBL voice. But what type of voice would it be? You know, you're trying to trick me into things that I don't, you know. There's different ways to look at the universe. You know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is? Yeah. Well, he's a fucking dumbass. He doesn't know anything.

He doesn't? No. What do you know, man? I know, like, probably like 40% of things. 40% of everything? Yeah, not like half, but like... Do you know how to fuck? No.

Not a goddamn clue. So, if you were to be presented with the opportunity, because you told me earlier that you don't eat pussy. If you were presented with the opportunity... You can't. What do you mean you can't? You can't. Anything is possible through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I mean, someday, bro. Amen, bro. you mean you can't you can't anything is possible through our lord and savior jesus christ i mean someday amen brother there's a guy back there like i pray every night for i eat pussy can you man like hey like i got a little bit my lip right now like i'll spit cut imagine like yeah date goes great get taken home the guy's like, oh. The guy? The guy before goes down and the girl's like. Jake's like, yeah, imagine this perfect date. It's me and this. I was doing a thing where the guy eats the girl's pussy. It's not a gay thing. So you're getting eaten out. You're getting your shit arched back slurped on.

Dealt with profusely. Imagine the first date. Perfect scenario. This is all hypothetical. first date. Perfect scenario. This is all hypothetical. First date, perfect scenario. But I get fucked in the ass by another guy. Hypothetical, by the way.

Well, I mean, but that's how most of your dates go, yeah? Yeah. Like all the lines you're crossing now, like, oh, I'm gay. No. No, man. Jake is probably the most homophobic guy I know.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. We got any homophobes? Woo! Why would... Anybody do a hate crime on the way here? Let's hear it. I hope it's not like...

I was going to say like an article. Okay, of our listener base, I'm going to say like an article. Okay, of our listener base, I'm going to say a percentage number. 3% to 5% probably legitimately, yes. That's like a college acceptance rate. They believe that all the ironic racism and homophobia we do is in earnest. And then that's how we, yeah, that's probably how they do it. Well, one of us is a man of color. Who's that?

I'm mixed. What are you mixed with? I'm 100% mixed. So the other day somebody was like, oh, what's the name of your show? And I was like, Pandejo Time. This was a Hispanic person. They were like, oh, are you Mexican? I was like, no.

Shit. And they were like, oh, well, the other guy, is he? And I was like, no. And he was like, well, that's the end no. Shit. And they were like, oh, well, the other guy is he? And I was like, no. And he was like, well, that's the end of this conversation. And I realized in that moment, you know, our bio on Spotify says we're Mexican. It's not like a lie. It's not a truth.

Does that necessitate Mr. Philosopher, you know? I don't have, yeah. Stop. What? Don't do that to me. I'm so sorry. I was wanting to see how long we would go before doing the voice, but I don't think it's... I don't know how long we've been going.

I have no idea. I'm glad we still have that stool out. Yeah. You should go up there and do spoken word. Let the people hear some bars. Come on, Thomas. Come on, Thomas. Come on, Thomas. Come on, man.

I don't know what you mean. Spoken word. Go up there and spill your fucking little heart out, dude. You're a sensitive fucking piece of shit. Dude. Beatbox. Dude, I'm going to cry. No, just be like.

Dude, I cried the whole way here. He did. Hey, get up on there, dude. Throw some fucking ass. Let's see that pecker, dude. Sit down and tell people how you feel about the economy. Dude, the economy is one of the biggest things out there. When you look at it from an economical standpoint.

Per standpoint? Yeah. What do you think about Chinese, the country? Chinese is one of the biggest places in the world. And when you look at the sheer size of it, you can compare it to almost anything. Thomas is running for mayor. All right, Thomas, what do you think about... I'm running for player.

What do you think about homeless people? I think they're player. What do you think about homeless people? I think they're annoying. Throw them all in a big hole, baby! I'm sorry. Why would you? I thought it was a stronger table. You made a joke earlier about how it sucked.

You bought the table. I bought this half of the table. Do you want me to open that for you? No, I have one here. It's okay. How did you make that noise? I'd be slurping on it, dude. You ever slurp on it?

No. Hey, if you could suck your own dick, would you leave your house? Well. Fuck no. I mean, would you leave your house? Well. Fuck no. I mean, well, I'm here. Yeah. I feel like if I could, I would not leave my house. Like you would not.

There are also a lot of other situations in which you would not leave your house. Name two. Like you didn't want to leave your house. But if I could suck my own dick, I wouldn't want not leave your house. Name two. Like you didn't want to leave your house. But if I could suck my own dick, I wouldn't want to leave my house. Why would I go out? Hey, I wouldn't leave your house either. Listen, I know it's possible to do it. I've been working on my flexibility.

My girlfriend thinks it's for jujitsu. I'm trying to suck my own dick. I'm seeing if it's possible to suck my dick. Not even me. I just don't know if it can be done. To get your dick sucked, if it's possible? I don't know how. To get it sucked?

You're a handsome guy. You'd probably just be like, what's up? Yeah. You'd be going to the movies and shit? Girl. Girl, do going to the movies and shit. Girl. Girl, do you read the Quran? Girl, have you ever heard the beautiful meshes of jihad? Girl, are you in the Taliban?

Because I got a towel. And I got some bands. Don't clap. Don't. Girl, are you in ISIS? I got some bands. Don't clap. Don't. Girl, are you in ISIS? Because I fucking sure as shit would. I got to go to jail.

Girl, are you in Al Qaeda? Because I'm friends with an Al. And I'm kind of cool. Easy as that, dude. Are you in Boko Haram? Because I'm kind of cool. Easy as that, dude. Are you in Boko Haram? Because I'm Broco. Because I'm going to broke on your arm. Don't give me your phone number.

What are other terrorist group names? The damn Democrats nowadays. Austin, Texas, baby. I'm not sure what I meant by that, but, you know. What is the other party called? The Republican Party. There you go. Easy as that. Yeah.

And honestly, dude, I'm getting to a point where I'm over both of them. Oh, yeah? Politically. Yeah. Are you fiscally conservative, socially liberal? Dude, I'm, like, fiscally sensitive, and I'm, like, socially nice with you, feel me? Yeah. I'm, like, sexually explosive.

I'm, like, fiscally, like, irresponsible. Fiscally, like, I don't, like, I don't got a lot of it, but socially, I'd be getting it down. Mentally, I'm deteriorating. Emotionally, I'm... Physically, I'm not supposed to be within 400 yards a year. So, who's this guy we're doing now? A pedophile with... It's someone else.

It's not me. Oh, you're not supposed to be... You're not supposed to be like... What is this button thing? Don't touch it. I haven't been touching it. Why would you ask me and then touch it? I didn't touch it.

Don't touch it, man. Stop fucking around, dude. Is that muted? Baba Booey. Come on, man. Chill. Come on, man. Come on, man. Get. Come on, man. Come on, man.

Get out. Get out of here. Would you? So, like, let's, you know, let's extrapolate. Let's look to our future, okay? We have all these beautiful people. That shit rocks. I don't know what that word means.

I saw it. So I figured I'd use it. In five years, we're doing Madison Square Garden. Sold out. 100% we're doing that. We're opening up for Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle. Did I mute my mic?

I think I muted... Did I mute my mic? No, you're not talking into it normally. Can you hear me? Yes. Okay, I thought I muted it. No, you're good. I can just hear myself. Yeah, well, your ears work. That's good. I can just hear myself. Yeah, well, your ears work. That's good.

I'm working on it. Hey, man, so after the show, I was thinking I could take you. There's a mental hospital, Shoal Creek. It's right up the road. I didn't go there. I went to one called Austin Oaks. But don't say woo, because if you went there. Dude, Mesa Springs, Fort Worth, shout out.

Anybody here been to the mental hospital? Yeah, I shouldn't be allowed around people. Let's go. Yeah. You know, something I never have to worry about is, like, the different laws that change about being able to, like, open carry. Because apparently once you go to one of those, you're just, like, not allowed to do that. No, you can, like, trick people. You can trick people? How do you do that?

Like, you just have it, and then they don't ask about it because you have a loaded gun on you. Okay. It's like, I'm not going to go up to the fucking 5'4 guy with a magnum on him. Magnum condom? You wouldn't go up to a 5'4 guy wearing a magnum condom? No, you know, I'm approachable.

You love to approach 5'4 guys. You can come up to me, but not in a weird way. Yeah. Do you like men? Yeah. They're chill. They're chill? Yeah.

Could you see yourself marrying one? I can't see anything. Why not? Are you blind? Are you blind to your true self? All I see is the future. What the fuck did you just say, motherfucker? Who's out there?

What? I heard somebody say... Some of y'all aren't taking this seriously. Yeah, some of you guys... Listen. Hold on. Let me fucking... This is actually not a podcast show.

This is D.A.R.E. If you have any drugs on you, you're not allowed to do them. And if you do them in the bathroom, you're gonna go to hell. You can give them to Thomas. Right, Thomas? No. Why not? I turn into the

Tasmanian devil. You spin around in a blur and then fuck around? We got a power match here. I can't be doing this. This actually hurts my penis and balls. Can we cut this curtain out? What do you mean cut it out just for your show? Scissors. Scissor. Hey, man. This is bendy as shit. Hey, I want to thank you guys for

fucking hanging out tonight. This has been really fucking sick. You guys spent money to like watch this shit. Yeah. The crazy thing. Yeah. You you know if you would have told me three years ago that i would be sitting next to a guy with braids i'd have been like that makes sense yeah because he was part of the aryan brotherhood at the time so i have never been a part of any white nationalist organization you were just like a like a freelance contract i did i i had a 1099K, yeah.

You're wearing that shirt and you're like, I've never done anything racist. This is the Puerto Rican flag. You look like you've committed six murders just at Billy Bob's. Who the fuck's Billy Thornton? It is one of the biggest country music venues in the DFW area. Why the fuck? Willie Nelson plays there

like every two weeks. I'm not adapting to your culture. I'm creating my own. If anybody looks like a white nationalist, I look like Rosie O'Donnell fuck Pete Davidson. You look like the white nationalist. I look like a 70-year-old

like regular liberal guy. No. Or like I like kill sheep for fun or something. I don't know. You look like you fuck sheep for fun. Yeah. I don't know. You look like you fuck sheep for fun. Yeah, if it was fun. It's not?

It's morally to me, even if it was fun, even if I liked it, I wouldn't even tell anybody. Hey, man, would you rather... Okay, would you rather, all right? Would you rather fuck a goat and no one know about it or not fuck the goat, but everyone is convinced your family and friends... I'll fuck a goat and no one know about it or not fuck the goat but everyone is convinced your family and friends... I'll fuck the goat.

You didn't let me finish the... I do one of the worst things you can do and nobody knows and only I know. But you would have to fuck the goat. Yeah, I would fuck the goat. This is the easiest question I've ever been asked. And I've been asked this like four times. By who? Like, don't even worry about it.

So you, if given the opportunity... You have clearly never done undercover work in Kabul, but some of us have military experience that we're not afraid to show. Dude, you... So, wait, what branch of the military were you in? Uh, Top one. Executive. Five-star private.

I was one of the G.I. Joes growing up. I used to work for Kony. G.I. Homo. Yeah. Is he still around, or did we get that guy? Who? Kony. Oh, the mother of the did we get that guy? Who? Coney. Oh, the mother of the...

Yeah, that guy. Yeah, we all know what country that was. Yeah, what... Africa. I'm not going to ask the audience that question. Where is he? I think he has a... We got Joseph Coney in the audience tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Coney! Live from Africa. Is that where he was from? I didn't know which country it was. I just knew it was like a very broad effort. He is from... He's from like Lubbock area. No, okay, I see what you're saying.

He went to Texas Tech. Anybody got Raider rash out here? Nobody went to Texas Tech? Okay. Oh, man. Fuck no. Dude. Wait, what?

You start saying pro-Texas Tech shit. Like, we have lines that we don't cross here. Why are you... Why? That's a county line. County line? For getting into Lubbock. I don't know which county that is.

Lubbock County. I don't fucking know. I don't know which county that is. Lubbock County. I don't fucking know. I don't know. We're not big county experts over here. Yeah, we're not big county guys. You guys are the ones

with autism. I have been to county jail. I feel like I haven't, it's been a while since I've been to You want a fucking cookie or something?

No, I'm going to say it's been a while since I've been to jail so we should go to jail together. It would be extremely easy. Yeah, probably, yeah. It is so easy.

I feel like it could happen after this show. It's one of the easiest accomplishments you could have. Sometimes I'll see people who are like, yeah, I've been to jail. I'm like, yeah, dude, you can just kill your family. It's there forever. Yeah, you know, it's very easy to do family annihilation. Lots of guys are into it these

days. Think about where you live. They're probably there. Chris Benoit. There. They're probably like there. Chris Benoit. There we go. Yes, sir. Chris Benoit. Oh, we're naming off innocent men now. We're naming off... Nowadays, it's illegal to be a good wrestler. My mom one time told me that I had to like...

I had moved back home for a bit. She wouldn't let me stay at the house because I said Scott Peterson was innocent. And I said it, and I was like, and she's obsessed with true crime stuff from the mid-2000s. I was like, look, Scott Peterson didn't do it, and Crispin Wah didn't do it.

These are innocent men. They've been lampooned by fucking misandrists and women in the media. And they're, you know, overwhelming evidence that they did it. But you gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. Do people give overwhelming evidence so much credit now? They do. They really do.

And I feel like maybe it's time that we put a stop to that. I don't know where you're going with this. Me neither. I don't either. I'm not sure. I'm entirely on board. But I would like to say thank you, Creek in the Cave, for having us. Thanks, Fran, for opening for us. Thank you, boys.

Thank you guys for being here. Hopefully we get to do some more of these. Is that enough? Yeah. Damn near close. That was easy. Yeah.

Thanks for coming out. Yeah, hey. We love you guys. Hang out with us for a little bit outside. We'll be hanging out. We don't have shirts. We don't have merch.

We don't have anything. But we do have our bodies and they are for sale. Thank you, guys. Shit on your chest. Pendejos forever. Do we have to put the table up, or are you guys going to do that? Okay.

Didn't want to do that. We'll be right back.