Pendejo Time - davy Crockett

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

the first american furrySupport the Show.

Hey man, you ready to do the easiest job? Yeah, you know what man, I fucking guess so. Dude, I mean... You know, you expect me to... I already edited a video today, and then I started editing another video that you didn't ask me to, and I just sort of started making... I had to charge my phone twice today Because I I didn't charge it last night And then I charged it up to 10%

Thought okay we're good for the day And then it died You know You don't know what it's like to be me Jake You know how many You know how many times I had to go to the post office This year I'm guessing at least 10 You know how many times I had to go to the post office this year?

I'm guessing at least ten. Probably not that many. Probably six or seven. Yeah. That's not too bad. It wasn't that bad. But you don't know that. You don't know that about me. You don't know that. You don't know that about me.

Last time I went to the post office, did I tell you about this? No, I bet you didn't. There's an ambulance there. And I thought, oh, man, I wonder if I should go in or not and deliver these shirts today. Or would I be in the way of a rescue team? Some sort of, yeah. I go in there and there's like nobody.

Some tragedy. Ambulance parked out front with the lights on. I go in, there's like nobody in there. And I'm like, well, I guess I'll just drop these packages off. I do that. And go back, sit in my car. And they wheel out a gurney that has a backpack on it.

Like a big hiker backpack. And my first thought was, being the clinical, you know, theoretical guy that I am, I thought, oh, my God. Somebody tried to ship a baby in a backpack. And then they opened it up, and it was just, like, stuff in there. I think it was just somebody's backpack. But there was nobody in the ambulance yet, I don't think. Maybe they had another one come.

But to put it on the gurney seems very funny. I was like, oh, my God, is there a koala bear in there? They've got, like, IV bags. Yeah, is it boots? Is it Dora's friend's boots in there? There's a monkey in there. Anyway, it ended up not being a big deal because I didn't really have to deal with whatever happened at all. You know, I just kind of put it towards the back of my brain.

I moved on because I didn't really... What are you going to do? I saw a car that had just been hit by a train one time. I thought, I guess I got to get out. The guy was fine. He was like, I'm good. I was like, alright well my head drove away i uh i've only there's

like a rav4 they've been flipped like four times hey you good man yeah all right well that'll work I watched a dude. Sorry. Spicy drink. Watched a guy pull out on a bike. Not a motorcycle, like a bike. Out of a Sonic. Like a busy intersection. And just got T-boned. And he like went forward. And I caught the very end of it.

I was in the other lane. And the handlebar went into his neck. That's the last I saw. I was like, oh, well, maybe it just hit him in the throat and he was solid. And I was in the car with somebody who was very, very drunk and very high. And I was like, we should turn around.

And he was like, no, he'll be all right. And I was like, oh, you know. So I was like, no, please stop the car. The guy, I guess, went into like stone driving autopilot and passed like six places to turn the car around. And finally, like we turned around and the ambulance already got there. And, uh, yeah, it went through his neck pretty good. Um, and he did not live. That's not really like a captivating story or anything.

Well, I hope he got to take a sip of his drink first. I hope he got to have some jalapenos. That would be such a bummer. I just got this big ocean water. I can't wait to take my first big sip when I get home. Oh, God. I hope I can still take a big sip of this.

At that same time. I don't even have take a big sip of this. At that same Sonic... And find out you don't even have an esophagus anymore. Bummer. At that same Sonic, this guy that went to, like... I didn't know him personally, but he went to, like, the rival high school or whatever. He tried to do suicide by cop there. And he, like, was, like, waving around what ended up being, like, an airsoft gun with the orange tip cut out. He was waving it around.

I was trying to do a suicide by cop. But the cops didn't kill him. They just tased him, and he—I don't know. I guess he went to a—I don't know what happened to him. Mental health facility, jail, I don't know. But a year later, tried the same thing, and they didn't kill him a second time. They shouldn't kill him. Cops should not be killing people. They didn't kill him the second time like they shouldn't kill him that cops should not be killing people they didn't kill him the second time no but i get like over two at the same time that's what that's what i'm not the same not the yeah he went to it

was it was an adjacent parking lot next to it because i guess the kid lived in the area he's very mentally unwell but in my mind like obviously i was like i'm glad they didn't kill him but i would be so mad if i lived in a country where like you can prove the cops can pretty much kill you you know with impunity and they do it pretty often and you want to die and you're like this i don't have to kill myself i don't gotta do none of that um i'll do it for me and you know it won't hurt because i'll just get shot a whole bunch of times and I'll die. And then you just... You have, like, a milkshake,

and then, you know, two times, I would be fucking pissed. Like, how am I being... How am I being denied the most American fucking experience? Which is being murdered by, like, a guy who is, like, 200 pounds over right and writes traffic tickets for a living, you know? I don't know. I actually think it's good they didn't kill him. But, you know? I don't know. I actually think it's good they didn't kill him.

But, you know, I kind of think differently about things. I'm glad they didn't. I'm just saying, if you're in the mindset of a guy who's ready to go out, you know. I have no idea what that's like. Me neither. We didn't just talk about it on Monday. Or was that, no? That was yesterday, and that is coming out next week

no we don't pre-record episodes remember they're not live nobody cares dude we could have recorded this 10 years ago it does not matter that would be that was so funny if yeah 10 years ago i was 18 and you were uh 12 and we sound exactly like we do now. We have the same life experiences and the same, you know. We should do like a time capsule. Yeah. Have a bunch of podcasts come out in 10 years

when nobody gives a fuck what we're doing. Well, you can schedule on Patreon as long and far in advance as you want. So that actually would be kind of funny to just schedule. If Patreon's still even a thing, we'll just record a one-off episode and schedule it for like 2062 it just haven't been like god i don't even probably would be yeah after like the server fire of 57 yeah yeah yeah yeah the solar flare that like basically wipes anything that's digital or whatever my name's

my name's Timmy Tom Timmy Tom from the Space Jake Space Jake checking in bring me to your one of Jake's interests Space Dojo One of Jake's interests.

Space dojo. Yeah, space dojo. That's a good one. You know, I filled up a cup of water earlier, and you won't believe this, but it seems I drank almost all of it. Yeah, I made a... So I took Topo. There it goes. Topo Chico, Bloody Mary mix, pickle juice, hot sauce. And I made kind of like a michelada but without the beer.

And it's a really truly refreshing, crisp, hot time beverage. It's delicious. But I've realized when I go do two hours of really hard cardio, the last thing I need to do is to like upset my stomach. So like the last three episodes we've done, I've basically just been sitting here, like, about to shit my pants. Which, honestly, I'm surprised hasn't happened on the show yet, given that I have, you know, stomach problems.

Yeah, you have a female bowel. I have a Jewish female stomach. That is the... I wish, buddy. Oh, man, I would love to look like one. Oh, man, God damn. I've been trying to lose some weight, trying to look like Abby Shapiro. I'm trying to get me...

I'm trying to get on that. Dude, I gotta... Everybody in my jujitsu gym says I look like Barry Weiss. What weight class are you trying to compete in? A Jewish woman. I'm trying to get down to about 106. I'm trying to get down to a nice6 i'm trying to get down to a nice wiry six foot four 105 pounds uh jew you know like i mean you know i could maybe move up to

welterweight you know but i've just been having a lot of luck at a jewish female journalist that lives in brooklyn weight class um nice wiry frame i mean i gotta ask you a question um have you seen the drama about that teacher from ontario oh the one with the tits yes dude the oh yeah that's funny one listen man was that a was that a real story here so here's the thing i thought the prosthetic boobs and all that yes i thought it was like a you know that stupid libs for tiktok or whatever that's like it's like it's like a vodka tampon shit from the 2000s where it's like not it's basically not real i thought and then i went digging and it's it's real which i don't which here's the thing i uh so a buddy of mine sent me the ben sent me the picture and he was like get a load of this.

And I was like, I need, me and you got to stop doing this with each other. Because we're getting on. It's getting to the point where, like, the more disturbing, like, what is the next phase of, like, sending each other weird stuff? Anyway, he was like, it's a shop teacher. And I was like, this isn't real. You're hanging out with Rogan too much. You're like, you've been to one too many Jordan Peterson dinners. Like, come on, man.

You got to cut this shit out or whatever the fuck. And he was like, no, dude. Like, students are on Twitter saying, like, they've been trying to bring it up for months, but they keep getting squashed or whatever. And he sends me the picture of the pink shirt with the nipples out. Fundamentally. he sends me the picture of the pink shirt with the nipples out fundamentally like i didn't know what i was looking at i feel like that is what lives in the head of like every um transphobic person you know what i'm saying like any conservative that imagines like you know like yeah i know what you mean i i was mostly a standard the size of the prosthetics exactly that's what i'm saying like well it's the size and the fact that the nipples i forgot

that regular people can get that kind of work done well that's it it's it's their prosthetics i think i really hope that they're not fucking well i meant like i thought they were implants no it's like a no somebody linked implants. No, it's like a... No, somebody linked to what it is. It's like a thing you wear over your chest. It's like rubber. It's like a vest with huge silicone. Oh, it's disappointing.

I thought they've been training their body for that for years. No, no, no, no, no. Because you can't just get that size overnight. That's decades of work. No, some students said literally like one day out of nowhere the teacher showed up like that. And he was like, overnight that's decades of work no some students said literally like one day out of nowhere the teacher showed up like that and he was like oh all right we're gonna be uh using the miter saw today and the kids were like uh one question just just one uh what's up and they were like you know oh

my name is so and so now you will address as such. I thought the nipples were cool. I thought it was a nice touch. See, for me, the nipples, I was like, look, if you just went for an acceptable breast size, I don't think you'd be in the news. But you're in the news now. So maybe, like, what if you made them bigger? See, to me, that would be funny is to, like, you know, you're in the news now, which is probably uncomfortable for you. You're clearly going, you know, you're in the news now, which is probably uncomfortable for you. You're clearly going, you know, having something happen in your life.

But if I'm in the news, I figure I'm just going to double my money. I'm going like double F, like down to the knees, you know, hanging out the bottom of the fucking cardigan or whatever. Yeah, I think you should make them saggy. Can you imagine? I'm not that big for the shock factor.

Now, I understand body dysmorphia is a serious thing the the aspect of being a shop teacher i will say is funny yeah that's what i'm trying to get the idea of actually cutting off your boob well it's like a miter saw or something yeah it's funny you know it wouldn't actually do you any physical harm. Yeah, because it's just... You got to look like one of the worms from Dune or something. Apparently, there was no period of, like, I'm going to wear a dress. It just that it all came at once. Can you imagine you showing up to work and Mike or one of the guys is just like, you know, going up in a tree?

And you can see under their shirt, they're fucking... I've had that discussion before, and... They're going to be fine. I'm not... Look, I'm not saying... You know, I just have much more open views than you do. I'm not... No, I'm not... I know what you're trying to do. I know what you're trying to do I know what you're trying to do

and I don't fucking appreciate it I'm saying the sheer size and cartoonishness of the breasts is A and then B

the shop teacher that two things very funny like if it was just a normal thing of like a boob cup you know what

it wouldn't even but the fact that they're like the nipples man why do you have to do that like you know you can probably sand those down you know you guys it's not like you don't have resources he's like all right kids today uh well welcome welcome to class if those of you are new just transferred my name is uh stephanie um so today we're going to be using uh belt sanders anybody use a belt sander before raise your hand all right, we're going to be using, uh, belt sanders. Anybody use a belt sander before? Raise your hand. All right, today we're going to be sanding down Stephanie's, you know, big old pepperoni

nipples. I'm just going to need one of you guys to come on up here. It's, uh, and you know what sucks, man, is like, it's sad because the bad part of it is that like people who already suck are using it as cannon fodder to like they're see like what were we talking about two episodes ago like you're you know they're gonna make your kid take fucking jacking off 210 or whatever like it's just it's fuel to the fire to people who already have bad fucking opinions yeah or pieces of shit or whatever the fuck um but that being said it's still pretty funny funny. Well, knowledge is a comical combination of things. Now, I think the move is if you're going to go prosthetics,

which I completely understand. A lot of that stuff takes a long time to adjust to. I would say go one. One tit? Yeah, just go one at first and see. Just go one in the middle and say, I got hit by a post hole digger in the chest And it swelled up People get used to seeing Okay I see what you're saying

That giant mass on you Say I have skin cancer Okay And it's only on the middle of my chest Makes my nipple very Makes my nipple very protruding Yeah and then people feel bad for you Right yeah

And then you show up with a second one yeah people say oh those look like boobs and you say funnily enough i they're tumors they're both tumors and then you show up with a third one and they say okay what the fuck and you say no i'm an alien woman and then you show up with one big BBL ass cheek. And then at that point, it's like, okay, they're dying. I would love to have only half a BBL. I think me and you could split one and each get one cheek, and I think that would catapult the show. You get the cheeks, and I get the lengthened crack.

Just the same flat ass, but your your ass crack starts like mid-tailbone yeah and then you you have a narrow you have a skinny ass crack skinny ass crack but like cheeks can't fully spread ever yeah i can't shit like when i straightest surgery you can get yeah that's my defense for it next time we're hanging out you're like dude what the fuck i was like well i went to the doctor And asked for the straightest Surgery possible And they said BBL

No extended ass crack Yeah And I was like oh okay Well that makes sense You think I'm gay For getting BBL Well you gotta reach So much further

If you wanna finger me now Yeah Dude it would take A medically impossibly Large penis to fuck me In my butt cheeks So I mean you know Deal with that

What you will You know What are you looking at Over there man You got something you guys i was looking at otis he's lying on the ground hey big od because i lean my chair a lot you know i didn't want to land on his feet or anything squawsh him or something here you go he's making noise like that he's been he's been up and at him last few nights Cause he knows he's getting His fucking new lease on life That's right Shoutouts to everybody

That donated a big oden Yeah thank you so much Everybody Everybody PayPal thankfully Is holding About 40% of that hostage Until early October

So that's nice That's okay I love complaining about things That aren't that big of a deal. I love it. Yeah. I absolutely love it. I'm like, oh, this money people gave me isn't going to be here for a little bit. Oh, no.

I was writing my two weeks notice, and I was like, I don't want to send this, man. It's just always like a song and dance. You know. I was just like, you got a new job, right? Like the job you wanted? I was like, yeah. She's like, more money? And I'm like, yeah.

And she's like, why are you complaining? I'm like, I think it's in my DNA to like bitch. Like I've tried to go a whole day without complaining. And I just end up really mad by like 8 p.m. Like I have to vocalize. Like it's hot. Or it's cold. Or like my stomach hurts

like I'm like just walking around like fuck man man man see but it's mostly because I'm bitch made and I'm not really

like a tough guy or like a man really even you know just kind of like a huge bumbling pussy I'm I'm really one of probably one of the

toughest guys in the whole world people say that about you when you're not around they say he seems super well put together and super tough. Yeah. And I'm surprised he hangs out with somebody like you,

Jake. And I'm like, I know, you know, but I'm kind of like a big brother to Thomas. I say people like, I believe that for sure there. I believe that you have a lot of good insight.

People see us like brothers. They do. They see us as, you know, two guy, like just two really well put together guys Who've never You know

You know Upset anybody Or done anything wrong We're like the Blues Brothers And I'm the guy Who didn't Who never died Die of a drug overdose

Yeah Yeah I think I get to be The one who lives Yeah that would make the most sense Who's There was Jim Belushi He was the one who died right John is Of course Jim Belushi. He was the one who died, right? John is...

Jim Belushi is the one that had the brother that had the show, according to Jim. John Belushi was his brother that died. Oh, okay. Yeah. He was in Animal House, the frat movie. Yeah, yeah. I remember him.

I just had the names mixed up. Was Dan Aykroyd one of them, or was he only in the later one? I think he was the other one, wasn't he? I think. I'm pretty sure. He just may have been. And Dan Aykroyd, as few know, is still alive today

and telling his gorgeous stories. I remember, speaking of 80s movies, my dad showed me Fast Times at Ridgemont High When I was like 10 I don't know if you know that movie It's just like a stoner movie from like the early 80s And It was the first pair of tits I'd seen in a movie

Like Dude I think I was like I don't know I was like 10 He was like this is my favorite movie when I was growing up. It's funny. And, you know, it's got a Sean Penn, you know, Sean Penn. And I'm like, no, I've been watching like up at that. But my dad is, you know, it's kind of like as stupid as he was.

He like had like a very eclectic kind of interesting, you know, well-rounded taste in movies. And he was like, you know, Sean Penn, you know, 21 grams, you know, you know, he was a big and he's like you know Sean Penn uh you know 21 grams you know uh you know he was a big a-list actor photographer I'm like nah I've been mostly watching Tarzan man cars too he's like all right well you know anyway um it's just boobs in the movie for like you know an hour and a half and I was like you know i was like i didn't know that they could do that or whatever and my dad was like oh put titties on tv man that's like half the movies out there it's like you got me hey man you know uh you ever heard it was like got an american pie that's good i'm like in my head taking like notes yeah like etching in stone stone yeah yeah it was

like the first time any movie yeah and so like i watched that one and then my dad actually had american pie on dvd and i didn't understand any of the jokes none i was just like i heard like like your brain at that point like you're not jacking off yet but you're like breast it's like a it's like a ghost of a concept in your mind you're edging towards being 12 13 so you're like there's like 11 uh tit uh breast so i would like you know uh pop that in and they would they would be they would be like smoking weed jokes like i'm always like oh i'm hitting the bong and I'm like a bong. I think that's a drug.

And then and then like, you know, there's like plot. But again, I'm not following the plot. There's like a band joke and high school jokes and like can't get my dick hard jokes. None of that stuff's hitting. The only thing that's hitting to me is like breast. It's like boob uh 10 years old you know like i remember being like seven years old and watching like vhs movies at my grandma's house and it'd be like marilyn monroe and i would she like almost all of every movie marilyn mon was in, which is like her making out.

Yeah. That was like the craziest thing in the world. I'd be like six years old. Like, man, I wish I was, I wish I was in that room so I could just stay in there and like pee my pants. Yeah.

Just, just stand there and just like be hard, I guess. I was talking about that at work yesterday and let me tell you that shit did not land not the it wasn't that detailed of a story but like i was like you guys ever see movies growing up and like you wanted to pee your pants because you couldn't get hard yet and it was like nope i wasn't like i would pee my pants but i could feel something in my penis yeah and there was no fraction of getting hard at the

time you don't know what like yeah you don't know what getting hard is so you just think you have to piss yeah i was just saying man i want to if i want to pee dude i'm too scared to ever kiss a girl but if i could just like be a couple miles away and piss my pants piss my pants. Piss my pants, dude. Oh, my God, yes. I think I told you, maybe, I don't know. But my mom had like a, we had like an old desktop, and then she had like an old fucking laptop that an old job had given her, and then she just like held on to it. My dad taught me like three or four things. It was like how to file for unemployment, like how to throw a punch, and how to delete your browser history.

It was three very important lessons, I guess, a man should learn. I think I did tell you this. He calls me into the living room one day. He's got the laptop. He's like, hey, man, come in here. I was like, what's up? He's like, you see the search bar up there? I'm like, yeah.

I'm kind of going white. He hits one letter. He hits B, and it's like breasts, jiggly. He's like, he hits T, it's like tits. He hits A, it's like ass, P, porn, like P, pussy. Like, you know, like just in every letter on the keyboard, I think I was like 12. Every letter on the keyboard was corresponding to some type of pornography. And he was like, there's three dots next to the search engine, brother. Okay, you see these three dots?

And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, click on it. Okay. You see what says clear browser history? Go ahead and click that for me. It's like, okay. He goes, I use this too. and i ain't mad at you in fact i use it for about the same thing but he was like your mom kind of sometimes uses this for work so maybe you

know just keep it on the desktop or you know or whatever and again at that point, like, I wasn't, I think I had, like, just discovered jacking off or whatever, but most was just, like, watching porn, but, like, not, like, I had this thing in my, I think, yeah, I know I told you this. I had this thing in my head that if I clicked on the full video, it would give my computer a virus. So I would just, yeah, I would watch watch the 10 second silent clip and be like yeah that was uh that was a very like a critical moment in my like development as a man of like because i just thought if you search something in the internet it goes away forever and i had no idea i i um i thought if you went on Facebook and you searched through Facebook, it wouldn't show up on anything. But I didn't know about really like porn or anything.

I would just go on the family desktop, and I would just like scroll through like Sports Illustrated on Facebook. Yeah. Which is like I don't think even really that bad. I would just, like, look at, like, the U.S. Olympic, like, skiing team or whatever. Oh, my God. These women are gorgeous. That was an era where, like, it didn't take much.

I just happened to stumble on internet porn. I also didn't know how to jack off at all It took me a little while to figure it out I would just sit completely hard for hours Yes You wouldn't touch anything Dude I would yeah I would just be hard like

For like students At the dinner table Yeah rock solid Because that's where they kept the family computer Yeah Yes Yeah just look at It was so funny to be like Yeah, rock solid. Because that's where they kept the family computer at. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, just look at it.

It was so funny to be like, because you see those stupid commercials, like if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, I would hear that and I would think back to being like 11 or 12 and being like, dude, I used to sit in school and not be able to get up for the pledge or like to go stand in line for hours because my, I would catch, like we would be watching a national geographic and I would see a 10th of the bottom of a tit of a woman from like the Gambia and that just curtains like curtains.

You could literally think of the word sex and you would get, get, get, yeah. For like three years of life. And it's the least pussy getting years of your entire life. There's no need for it. Legally, it should be, by the

way, I would like to say. Dude, it was so weird being in like seventh grade. I don't know. I lost my virginity pretty early, but not seventh grade early. I would hear like, hey, you know that girl Mia? And I'd be like, yeah.

And like she gives handjobs to guys in the bathroom. And I would be like, oh, that's awesome. I just learned what a handjob was like a year ago. And in my mind, I was like, oh, she probably has a lot of friends. Like she's really popular. And it wasn't until i hit like adulthood i was like that's not good i mean not adulthood but like you know you get like a little bit older and you're like oh yeah that's bad that's uh yeah that's tough stuff i remember uh when we were in

middle school the first guy to almost get a blow job whenever i was in seventh grade this guy was in eighth grade and he was gonna get a blow job but his girlfriend was in seventh grade, this guy was in eighth grade. And he was gonna get a blowjob, but his girlfriend walked into the room and he was completely naked. That's awesome. Like, she came to his house and he got naked in advance. That rocks. I love that. She was just like, no, this is weird.

And he was like, fuck. Maybe next time. That was the last I heard of that But uh I remember like Like you'd hear like yeah Did you hear Did you hear Devin like he fingered

Yeah He fingered yeah And dude And he'd be like no dude he didn't finger No He would've told me if he'd fingered Yeah dude if he got to finger bass bro He would've let everyone He would've called me. No, no. He would have told me if he'd fingered. Yeah, dude, if he got to finger base, bro, he would have let everybody. He would have called me on my cell phone, man.

He would have let me. You know that couple that's been dating for two years? She sent him a bikini pic. No. No, that's not true. Don't spread lies. Don't talk. Well, it's like, also, like, in youth group, that was when it was, like, big time. Like, because in school, like, well, especially when I got to, like, early high school, like, before I stopped going to church or whatever.

Like, it was, if you heard that somebody got their dick sucked on, youth camp man that was like that was the real shit that was the top tier t i guess because like you'd go out there in trinity texas and like they'd make you stay up till two in the morning and fucking you know listen to fucking worship music and they you know you'd fucking walk around in the woods forever and i remember thinking who has the time to like a get their dick sucked their dick sucked, or B, suck dick? Like, we're in church for, like, 15 hours, and then when we're not in church, we're like— You gotta sing, and then you got a dry throat, and you're fucking tossing around neck in the woods after that. Yeah, yeah.

And we're in Trinity, dude. There's mosquito, like, bad. Like, we're up there, like, northeast Texas, I think, is where it was at. Like, it's not, you know, this isn't dick-sucking weather. This is not, like, a lake trip. There's rarely good outdoor dick-sucking weather in Texas, let me tell you. Dude, bless up to that. Agreed.

Because I've never found myself in a position where I've sucked a penis. But I've gotten my dick sucked in very inopportune and uncomfortable moments where i was uncomfortable so i can't imagine yeah being on the other end of that awful i got my dick sucked in a tent and it was like hot as fuck outside i was at a camping trip and i remember for a brief moment thinking man my legs are cramping up it's like a one-person tent i'm kind of i don't even know you know i guess i'm getting my dick sucked it's not all bad and then like a little thought in my back man was like how do you think the girl feels like she's like you know contort you know it's like this is you know this is like on her end it's like well i guess i started doing

this i guess not even usually the easiest task in the world. Yeah. Certain amount of technicality that goes into it. I'm sucking dick in a tent. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I've always been like uncomfortable kind of when it was like, you know, like you get offered head and I'm always like,

I'm always kind of been like, I mean, if you get offered head and i'm always like i've always kind of been like i mean if you want like it always seemed like such a chore like it seems like such a fucking handful to deal with yeah that i it was it was hard growing up getting offered head so often you know i'm just saying as an adult man i'm not saying as a 12 year old boy you know on the hard planes dude yeah i don't know about you but every when in boy scouts it was so like i almost felt bad for the scout leader you know oh man uh no i just like it was i was like like you know college or whatever just like girl like even girlfriends dude when i was like it's like you really i just got home from the gym like like nah i mean you don't you don't gotta do all that you

don't gotta do all that because like you won't watch tv and stuff yeah we could watch tv like and i would talk there are some friends of mine who i have a similar conversation with and they're like what are you talking about i would i would get ahead if I was like in Guantanamo Bay. And I'm like, I'm not saying it's not awesome. It fucking kicks ass. But I'm also kind of like, and I don't know, just, it's like, if somebody is like, like, imagine you're like, stripping old paint off the floor of your garage. And a buddy you haven't seen in a while comes by and he's like, Hey, man, I would love to give you a hand. Just take, you know, just make the job a little easier. And you're like, man, you don't got to do that. It's comes by and he's like, hey, man, I would love to give you a hand. Just make the job a little easier. And you're like, man, you don't got to do that.

It's hard. You know, like it's I got to get the fucking acid. I got to get the pressure washer. I don't want you. You know, if you want to, by all means, man, suck my dick. But, you know, I got to paint this shit later if you want to, you know, help me out or suck my dick. Yeah. I just always seem like such a fucking hassle, man.

I got to get the muriatic acid out. I got to get the pressure washer. I got to, you know, I got to get heavy grit sandpaper to really get the fucking garage floor nice and smooth. And then I got to get the gray paint. But, I mean, you know, if you want me to fuck you in the butt i mean i guess we can go ahead and you know run that back that's fine i guess yeah hey man i noticed uh you've been you've been out of town a lot lately you want me to mow your lawn or something i know you're busy with the kids and all that shit you could suck my dick while while you're asking to fuck me i mean you know you're at it. You're asking to fuck me? I mean, you know. You're asking me to fuck you? You're asking me to fucking tear you down?

No, man. I moved in last month and I got a new zero turn. I ain't got no use for it. My old lady had me put in the stone walkway and the cobblestone in the driveway, so I don't got really long to use the rider on, you know. Listen, man, if you want me to come come in your mouth big sweaty load in you i mean i guess i mean i don't feel like you got to no i don't feel obligated didn't feel obligated to do that or anything i was just trying to be a

nice i was just trying to help you out man you know i was just just trying to be a nice friend. I was just trying to help you out, man. I was just trying to do good by the way. He's like blushing. I'm sorry. I don't know if I came across wrong or what. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard being a nice and upstanding gentleman. A guy who's never done wrong in his life. Right.

A guy who's never, you know, been mean or, you know, been a dickhead or whatever. It sucks deserving to get your dick sucked every single hour. And living in a world that denies you that as an alpha male. We up on the next episode. I'm just. You see every vein. I just look like.

Like a cockroach or something. Yeah. You're like. We suck this guy's dick. Every hour. For a year. Here's what he looks like now. And it's like the picture of that guy who like

went to photograph the war and oh yeah he was before it's like just a happy young guy and then it's like a war torn like he's lost like 60 pounds man yeah i was like yeah like like i'm thinking that is but i'm thinking a youtube thumbnail with all the colors and like the impact font. And it's like, got dick sucked every day, every hour for one year. And he's like, like soy face. Sucking my friend's dick every hour for one week. Now he wants to be my boyfriend. It's like Mr. Beast. He's like, yeah, you know, we were like putting a lot of money back into the show.

And then we had this crazy idea. It's's like what if we sucked the camera guy's dick every hour for like six months and people just went crazy for it you know yeah if one person who retweets this i will suck their dick 10 000 times one person if this gets one retweet i will i will get head for 10 years oh fuck um those uh i dude i went on a rabbit hole this was oh this is some years back i went on a rabbit hole on the incel the incel community or whatever and some of those like guys um i would like i've said this before on the show i'd like to say every not every one of them some some of them, there's no hope. But a lot of them, darn, not ugly, they're not dorks, they just, they went on the wrong side of the internet way too fucking early and it fucked them up. But, the interesting thing that I read about is these guys will regal their experiences with prostitutes, because it's like, in their mind, the only, you know, type of play they can get or whatever.

And they're like, man, it was like, super simple i gave her money and and we had sex and that is so funny to me like to to like to have like a preconceived notion of what this the simplest and oldest profession in the world is like man i gave her 150 and uh we she took took a clothes off i i'm like what did you expect to happen like y'all go out to like she was just gonna yell at you yeah she becomes your girlfriend for like an hour and a half she's like the dishes i've told you about them and you're like uh oh okay that should dude that should be a guy who keeps hiring dominatrices and he's like yeah even prostitutes are like this i mean they just

ask you to do their laundry and they step on you with big boots and they'll tie you up and you give them all their money every month all the money you make goes to them and you say yes master and then they'll piss on you and you have to drink it. And you've got probably five or six women like this every month. And you'll pull your dick out and they'll make you edge it and they'll kick it and they'll step on your balls. And when you finally bust, they'll have their mouth open and they'll point your penis up to your mouth and they'll say, drink it, pig. And then you have to drink your own jizz. And that's why I've been hitting the gym lately i still pay all these women you know but i'm on uh you know i'm i'm on uh i'm running an avar right now

yeah and i'm getting real jacked and i'll get real pissed at myself whenever i go to these women's houses and i don't hit myself with shoes and stuff before i even get there and then I get there and they're like what you got Otis you got your mouse you hear him yeah

I've often I've always wondered man like cause I know I would assume the psychology behind like the dominatrix kink is like

rooted in some experience or it's like a power dynamic thing. I don't not necessarily, not really for me, but I guess I can try to assume what the psychology might be. But I do not understand the psychology behind the latex vacuum thing that we've talked about previously on here. And when we were talking about the patches, like I try to understand like what leads people to do, you the things that they do you know what makes somebody uh you know uh like you know what makes someone have anger management problems was it abuse as a child was

it lack of attention what makes somebody you know seek out um adrenaline or whatever and you can typically trace back something or whatever find a root cause of it but i do maybe they saw a really sexy balloon animal guy that's a that's not a bad theory i guess is he doing all right down there he's just fucking around yeah he's all good he just wanted some uh some pets or whatever. He gets to... Hey, man, I can't reach down there. I'm in my chair. He likes to roll around on the carpet, and then he'll hook his claws in,

and he'll act like he's swimming. That's badass. I like that a lot. Yes, sir. He does that. Anyway, sorry. I had to derail it. Oh, that's okay.

I think... I see... Wow. quite a voice crack there. I see, I don't relate to the dominatrix thing at all. All right, this doesn't. Right, right, right. But I can see a part of the psychology of, like, wanting to feel pathetic. Yes. For the under a controlled setting right right for a guy whose life has not gone well yeah there was a dom because there's anything anything negative but can become like a sexual thing sure i was watching i mean like i well i this is only one i I was watching this lady who said she did it in New York for like 10 years.

And she said predominantly her clients were like Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan guys. They were like, well, that's fucking weird. They were like, well, they're guys who are in they like they play spreadsheet games of people's lives. They're wheelers and dealers. They're fucking they're're psychopaths for a living. And they make a lot of money. And she was like, this was their hour, two hours a week to be like, babied. Like, totally powerless. Like, some of them would want like, weird mommy shit. And then others would just, you know, beat the fuck out of me for two hours.

And I remember thinking like, you got more money than God. And in your free time like you know you're like i want a woman who's dressed like a demon to like hit me with a fucking baseball bat like i feel like i was i mean i guess if you can go to bali whenever you want like if you can have anything you want in a moment's notice i guess you start seeking out you know yeah that's my whole chicken and egg argument for, like, hyper billionaires and, like, the sex trafficking, like, Epstein stuff. I've known of guys who, like, did that and, like, didn't make good money. Oh, like, oh, guys who were in the stock trade but they didn't?

Yeah. No, no, of guys who, like, basically were pay pigs. A lot of, like, pay pig type guys don't make good money what do you mean like they don't i don't understand a pay pig is somebody a pay pig is somebody who gives their money to a financial right matrix yeah oh you're saying they don't make enough money to do that right i like i used that's so awesome that if you were like a pay pig type guy you were like a millionaire right type guy, you were like a millionaire. Right. Like you made a whole lot of money and it was like a drop in the hat or some shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But apparently I was, uh, I was talking to a friend about this a couple of years ago and she like knew of a girl who like did that type of thing. Financial domination or whatever. Yeah. a girl who like did that type of thing financial domination or whatever yeah yeah a lot of guys

would like they would like almost starve themselves like they would do enough to cover like they would give themselves enough money like cover like rent utilities and like the most basic food that's awesome maybe clothes and everything else dude every dime yeah would go to a woman who made like 300 000 a year off dudes who were like that hell yeah which like jesus fucking christ dude that is bleak yeah you know you're like uh it would be funny i'm imagining like somebody i work with doing that being like yeah i have an extra 20 bucks this month but it's all for you and the girl's like okay thanks yeah appreciate it thank you big dog thank you for helping pay my phone bill whenever i would like be uh whenever i would

work security at bars um there was one that I worked at while I was in school. And there was this game that me and the other bartenders would play and the manager. And it would be called like a legitimate, and I don't mean this in a creepy way, like a daddy-daughter, like a dad taking his daughter out for school or like what is it one of those or is it a sugar baby sugar daddy deal before they kiss there were rules to the game you they cannot you have to guess when they come in based on what they're wearing alone and how they're acting the moment that they like hug like a dad would hug a daughter they didn't it doesn't count anyway I got pretty good at it and typically the way you can see it is you know what's the girl like you're not gonna wear like a dress or a skirt with your like ass cheeks out like go hang

out with your dad to like get a hamburger and like drink a couple beers whatever but I remember a couple of them would go over to where the cigarettes are being sold and I did that too you know and they would be like oh my god'm on a date with this fucking old guy. And I'm like, mm-hmm. And they're like super drunk or whatever. And they're like, he, like, pays my rent. And he got me a new car. And it's just like, we don't like fuck or anything.

It's just like we hang out all the time. Like, we hang out like five times a week or whatever. He's super needy. And I was like, cool. I support whatever it is you've got to do. Uh, do you need cigarettes or whatever?

And she was like, um, yeah, I can hang it up. Anyway, give her the cigarettes. And then, you know,

she would be like, uh, you know, she, she would just start talking about like the experience and like he would be getting them drinks or whatever. It, although part of the story at one point I would lock eyes with a guy and he'd be like

like like trying to flex on me as if i'm like dude i make nine dollars an hour here i have a girlfriend i don't like it these are old men you know like whatever but it's like i like i was like whatever you got going she told me that you give her six thousand dollars a month or somewhere around about this like first of all i'm a one woman man i'm good you know second of all i do not pose a threat to you because my check from this job i just got three hundred dollars and i worked all week so like you know i you know the, having a whole relationship aside from all that stuff, you're good, man. Cause it would always be like, not like a, you know, he wouldn't come over there and be like, what the fuck's up?

But it would be like a, Hey, just so you know, just so you know, I'm an old fuck that girl wants to try to buy cigarettes. Exactly. Like, like, like, by the way, this was not like an enclosed area. Like we were before the, before the eyes like an enclosed area like we were before the before the eyes of god and man we were everybody in front of the bar say hey don't uh don't take her behind that little uh fucking cigar basket you got there that's gotta be such a weird paranoia as like a sugar daddy yeah like it's just knowing that that that's the one thing.

Is that you're just going to be kind of older. And she's probably going to end up, you know. Well, I don't under... I think there's different degrees to it, though. For sure. I had talked to only a couple. This wasn't a pandemic of people that I interacted with. But one of them said that, that like drunkenly was like i guess i gotta go home like one of them was like yeah i gotta go home and i was like and i was like hey you need cigarettes like go like i don't

really want to talk to you about this like have a good night or whatever thanks but no thank you know stop but like to be the guy and to know that like if you came on financial like I'm sure that these guys like these girls you know but like you come on financial strays dude she's out the door like day one like the moment you're like man you know it's been tough at work bye but I guess it doesn't matter I don't like how rich do you have to be to like because again if we're talking about guys like you were talking about like maybe they make like 50 grand a year but they like they fake it pretty good like are you bankrupting yourself like you're going in the whole credit card style like really bad to like maintain this lifestyle or whatever you know people do crazy things for love. They do.

Yeah, they do. And when you find true love like these people find, you know, there's no way you're going to fail. When you're 55 years old and you successfully find the 19-year-old girlfriend you've always wanted. That you've always dreamed of having. I don't see a way you can fail it's always funny too when those guys get on gear and they get the old guy jacked where

it's like they still have the big gut and they're like they just still want so badly to look young fucking a horse veins yeah and they're purple and they're like yeah i'm 30 this is what a 30 armor shirt yeah yeah under armor shirt i have like a porsche yeah porsche or lifted like it and they have the it's either the the under armor or the really tight button up it's like a shmedium and it like it it basically makes their forearm vein like it cuts the circulation off to like they're like always wearing like maui gym sunglasses or whatever yeah can i get uh i'm gonna get an old-fashioned and she'll have um do you have any sauvignon blanc dude that was the most annoying shit when uh like i worked a couple shifts behind the bar or whatever and you know they we had a we had a regular uh regular sugar baby sugar daddy couple or whatever and you know they we had a we had a regular uh regular sugar baby sugar daddy couple

or whatever and uh like well i'll have an old-fashioned um scotch i don't want none of that cheap stuff all right i'm like yes yes sergeant he just hamming it up in front of her like you know like i want i want the good shit because i have money you know i don't know if you could tell by the porsche out front the rolex on my wrist but you're like a sauvignon blanc for her and she's like i want a beer he was like sauvignon blanc and i was like you want like a lone star or something she was like yeah that actually sounds good i don't want wine right now and he was like just bring a sauvignon and i was like i'm gonna i don't think she wants that and then he was like he looked she like turned away to like talk to somebody other than you.

And he was just like, and I was like, is there a movie playing in your head where like you're, you're a Richard gear and she's like, like, and she's having like a glass of wine and y'all stared like, is there, does,

does her drinking a trash can beer fuck up the movie? Like you're already 60 years old, and you've got, like, a girl studying communications, and you're, like, buying her fucking whatever the fuck. Like, this is fucking it up for you? The fact that she's like, I just, I'm like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Also, you're probably a fucking weirdo. Like, I don't, I can't speak, I don't know if they're all necessarily, but. You know, he brought it up in the car ride home.

We talked about you getting the Sauvignon Blanc. We talked about it on the way. I don't know if they're all necessarily, but... You know, he brought it up in the car ride home. We talked about you getting the Sauvignon Blanc. We talked about it on the way. Yeah, I told you you need to watch your figure. Just like, I told you that beer makes you bloat. And she's like, hey, man, I got to go study. She's like, you're 220 pounds and you're 5'8". Yeah, the only reason we're talking is because this is a 911 with the leather seats.

If you had a Corolla, I would be at home. I have my friends take pictures of me in this car and I send them to a little dirt every day. I want you to know that the moment your business fails, I literally, I'm calling the police on you.

Like, I'm sending SWAT to your house. Like, the moment you stop bringing the cheese and it's curtains, you know. And that's not to, you know, diminish the sugar baby world or whatever. It's just, you know, I would imagine that that's the primary motivating factor, I guess. I wonder if those guys have wives.

They always strike me, the ones that I've encountered either when I've been at work or just people watching, they strike me as hyper-recently divorced, well-off men. Because if a broke guy gets divorced, he typically gets into one of two things. Going to the gym, gym like a lot and getting in shape at like 35 or getting really into drinking themselves to death and, you know, like becoming like a men going their own way guy on Reddit or whatever. If a broke guy gets divorced and it's a bad one, like an infidelity, you know, or just, she doesn't love you anymore. You really don't get to have a redemption arc if you don't have money but if you're like a well-off divorce guy and maybe she didn't get all

the cheese maybe you had a prenup i feel like that is typically your next move it's like i'm gonna go scroll on down to ut and see if i can you know scrub me up one of these fucking big uh bucky's t-shirt type it's gonna be so depressing i it sounds it sounds bad because i would hope at that age i've moved on like i'm 28 now i'm like that doesn't sound good i would hope it's 60 that i'm like if i for whatever reason god forbid you get divorced like later like in your middle ages it's like oh i'm done don't – I'm not talking to anybody. I'm not texting women. Do you think I'm texting or like going on – no, I'm getting a boat, a shitty one. If I have money, maybe a mid-boat, and I'm just going to go out like on the water and maybe live out there.

Like I can't – can you imagine being married to somebody for 30 years and it goes south? Infidelity, she don't love you she fucking something happens and then re-entering the dating world as a 60 year old even if you have money that would it seems fucking absurd it seems absurd to have to do it like in your 30s or whatever the fuck yeah i mean even if it happened now i think i I would become such an old man. Yeah, no saying. My last single stretch, I got really into whittling. Yeah.

I'm just thinking of how much further I could go. You come over and I'm like, yeah, I tried to build a forge, but I just burnt down like half the front house. Yeah. I was talking to my friend Cameron about it. The guy that printed the porky shirts the other day. And it's like, yeah, no, I, I imagine a scenario where, you know, God forbid, you know, it would have happened. Like, I'm like, no, I'm, I think I'm done. I just, you know, I there, I, yeah. You get into whittling, you get into like being an aquarium guy like that is an awesome like that is a that's a middle class divorce guy move is to be like to get a like a 600 gallon.

Dude, I would go over to my dad's friends houses who like their wives had like recently left him and they're like, you know, like 12. And I'm like, man, when did you get all those fish? Well, you know, I got nothing to spend my money on anymore. You know, Colleen left. Oh, okay. He's like that there. It's a rooster fish. And I got these little feeder fish and I could, and he's telling me the names of fish.

But what I can hear is I'm so close to being done living. Like he's like, now this rooster fish, typically they live in South America. And so what they will eat is actually small crabs there's not a lot of carnivorous fish from that area that's actually only crustaceans and then what i got to clean the tank scene is i'm away from work a lot i work turnaround so i got two eels and they live in a cave together and his name's tim and that name is his name's mike and then i what i'm hearing is every day i think about it every fucking day i think about it but my son's about to graduate high school and he just got on to play jv ball and i'm i want to see a couple of the ball games before i fuck his shit up for the

rest of his for the rest of his life you know like that that's like uh yeah that's a nice middle class divorced guy move. Aquarium. Guns. Actually, you know what? That's any. I think that's just. I think you can definitely get more into guns.

Yeah, even if you were. Maybe you had like one or two guns. Like you had an AR. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, I got an AR. No big deal. And then you get divorced and you're like, come and fucking take them. Yeah.

If the police come and try and get me i'll kill myself marie took about everything i fucking had but try and come and take my m4 see if you can get it you probably did take my harley successfully i was not expecting that she took the boat at her sister's house this house house I built with my hands, she took it. I'm supposed to be out of here. I'm not even supposed to be in here. She took the truck,

yeah. You know. She took everything, but I do got a Gatling gun off of an A-10 Warthog. And I've got an A-10, dude.

Oh, Civil War. That is such a good one. Like, Civil reenactment yes sir yeah like uh but the confederate side yeah yeah dude oh man have you ever been to a reenactment i have not oh dude had no reason to go so um we should we should go to one i've been to one i was a kid yes i want to go to another one I've been to one. I was a kid. Yes, I want to go to another one, though. They're so much fun. It wasn't the Civil War. So it was out in my hometown.

There's the San Jacinto Monument. It's just like this big limestone. It looks like the Washington Monument. But in the literally in the middle of a bunch of smokestacks out on like the fucking coast off 225 heading towards Galveston and anyway it's it's up there for the Battle of San Jacinto which was like I guess when the Texas and Mexico war or whatever and dude they were letting off shells and like cannon so like like they would fire a cannon and the ground would explode and uh it was kind of looking back now there were moments of it that were racist because you would have like a white guy in like a mexican army get up but you could tell that no

one had taught him spanish so he would be like, today we are coming to say San Jacinto is for Mexico. And then like the guy playing Sam Houston would be like, not today, partner or whatever. And then like cannons would start going. And I'm like, you couldn't find a Mexican guy in South Houston. You couldn't.

Okay, now we good. To the Alamo. Okay, everybody. My, now we good. To the Alamo. Okay, everybody. My name is Santana. When Sam Houston go sleepy, basically what we are going to do, because he hurt his leg, so his leg is very injured,

and we're going to rush him while he sleep. But you got to be on the lookout for two of the craziest white boys we've ever seen. David Croce and James Bowie. You need to be on the lookout for these two crazy. They have a big night. So, Sam Houston's

like just a 10 foot tall jacked like rigger. Hey. Yeah, there ain't nothing you can do to take this here alamo i'll die for it as an honorable white man as an honorable texas ain't even a place yet but as a as a guy from fucking fort worth which is not even today don't look at the color of your skin boys don't look at your position in this here infantry today we're all white men and that's how we'll die talking to like a group of comanche who were basically slaved into fighting

yeah just a bunch of a guy who was like the help around here. He was just trying not to get on anyone's bad side the whole time. Yeah. And he's like, hey man, I think somebody ordered pizza. And it was meant to be for delivery, but you guys accidentally ordered pickup. So I gotta head that way soon. No pizza tonight. order pickup so i gotta head that way soon not no uh no pizza tonight today we will be fighting to the death just as we all signed up to do everybody's like yeah yeah we's

woo yeah signed up yes sir now about about that pizza i feel like if we all went to pick up the pizza it would be safer it's a cheaper delivery fee, too. We would save a lot of money. We'd save like $10. We've got like 300 guys here. That's a lot of pizza. It's $18.42, man. $10 is going to be worth like $100,000. I know you guys don't know what inflation is.

I think I saw I was talking to one of Santa's guys, and he said they won't kill anybody if we surrender. And then if we leave and we come back, we can just have the fort. The Alamo. They'll just give it back. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Abraham Lincoln, who is maybe on our side, maybe not. He's probably only a lawyer at this point. I want that to do. he's one of the best lawyers in the land of illinois which we're not in we're in the republic of texas he just texted me he said you guys are good you're in san antonio by the way i'm not a president i'm actually just a like a middling lawyer right now but i I am Abraham Lincoln,

and the pizza that you guys ordered is super tasty, and I want to let you guys know that you can take Mexico. It's me, Abraham Lincoln. Thank you. It's me, Abraham Lincoln. Sam Houston, if... Sam Houston, do we have a problem? If we leave, if you leave now, then your place in history is secured.

But if you don't and you stay and you die here, there's going to be a community college named after you and it's going to suck. You're going to have a city named after you that is going to have really good food and really great music in about 200 years. I guess also like the fifth biggest city in the United States yeah that's a yeah that too yeah hey listen sam i don't want you to get a big head about this uh you don't got to die here you're just gonna basically be remembered literally

forever uh and uh also tell uh tell bowie that it's just going to be the knife. It's a knife he happened to have on him. It's a knife in a shitty high school in Austin that has a lot of stabbings. That's basically what you're going to be. And also a fort in Fort Worth. Yeah, and Davey the Hat. Basically, there's going to be a country singer who's your great to the 10th power grandson, Charlie. He's going to be a country singer who's your great to the 10th power grandson, Charlie. He's going to do some good. But really, people, they're only going to know you for the hat.

I don't get a cool knife. Nah, Jim had the knife. Sam's going to get the biggest city in the state. Steven's going to get the capital. Antonio's getting sand, I guess. What about Jamal? There is nobody here named Jamal. Jamal's not allowed.

His name is Jay. But, Davey, you're getting the stupid. I don't know why the fuck you brought that hat, Davey. We're going to war. What is that? Coon skin? Yeah, well, I figured. You didn't figure.

Fuck, man. These are musket rams. I don't know how you found a raccoon out here. We're in the fucking desert. I just picked it up on the way I skinned it I think it's real fluffy It feels great Listen man

All of us are Yeah I love fluffy animals That's why I made this All of us are I want to be a raccoon I want to go I want to I want to eat cat food

Meow Listen Davey I don't know if I want to be a cat Is what I want to be Listen Davey I don't know if you're... I want to be a cat. Listen, Davey, I don't know if you're fucking... Just Davey Crockett. He gave one of the most epic speeches of that.

Wow, y'all will go to hell. He's just this mentally fucking... I really wish I was a cat. Well, I was wondering if Jimmy got the cool knife, plops to you, Jimmy, and Steven gets the big cool city with all the music and Sam gets the biggest city with the best barbecue. I was thinking that I could get the coon hat. I was thinking that I could be a hat, a special hat.

And when you think of history in Texas, you think of all the cool people and the cool stuff they did. I had the little bitty raccoon hat. That's right. That's right. And, Mr. Sam Houston, I think it's awesome that you get to have, you get to be, have named after you, one of the biggest historically black cities in the world in the future someday. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, cut it.

Hey man, we're about to go to war. Hey man, shut the fuck up. Dave, shut the fuck up. I was wondering if we could all pretend to be cats. We could probably scare them off. Meow! There's like 600 fucking Mexicans on horseback with like musket rifles that they bought and they're like davey dave we're going to war can you say something cool say something epic

okay give me a second you may will go to, what's the name of a place? Texas. Thank you, Davey. Thank you, Davey. I won't, because all dogs, all kitties go to heaven.

Everybody with the hat goes to heaven. Thank you. My name's Dave. I think if they come, if they barge in the door, what I'm probably going to do is pull this hat over me, and they'll think I'm a simple country raccoon.

And I was thinking, Dave or Jim, whatever your name is, you could probably hide in the sheath of your knife. And they would simply think you were a big knife. In Houston, I was thinking perhaps you could... I would have made a second hat if I knew you would have been here. Would have made two hats.

I've only ever seen one raccoon and I unfortunately killed him before he could weave me the other raccoons. Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey. I appreciate the speech. I really appreciate the offer on the hat. I also killed several cats since we got here. I'm glad you got them. I'm really happy for you,

Dave. I could not make hats because I ate them too quick. Dave, we're going to need you to hang back in the back of the Alamo. I will never leave my post. I know. Your post is going to be a hole in the back of the Alamo. Cat hole?

Yeah. We have so many cats down there for you, buddy. We've got some. Yum. I will never get killed back there, historically speaking. Yum! I would never get killed back there, historically speaking.

Anyway, if you thought this was good, go on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time. Toss us a little cheddar bug. Why don't you, bitch? Five bucks gets you access to four extra episodes a month, four premium episodes.

Ten bucks gets you access to all that episodes a month, four premium episodes. 10 bucks gets you access to all that shit. And then one video episode a month. We're about to drop to the September video episode. We got a new camera, so it'll look good. Got a whole new setup. Looks pretty nice. Desk, mics, whole nine yard. We're superficial.

We're fucking ready to go. We're big money now. We're big money now. If you have $50 50 a month you can give it to us but you don't get anything extra um you just you know you get to be among two cool guys that i guess have money help pay my life bill yeah yeah it's something uh so you know go on ahead and do that shit um i don't got anything to plug we We can't plug anything yet. I guess that's it. I got to do laundry.

Thomas will be doing an hour of laundry at his house. Yeah, I'm doing an hour at the laundromat, you know. Yeah, we've got some shit in the works, so be on the lookout for that. But otherwise, bye. Bye-bye.