Pendejo Time - diazepam diaries

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

which one of you motherfuckers ate all my valium. oh yeah that was me sorry. Support the Show.

Yeah, it just wasn't like, I don't know. I just wasn't clicked on today. I don't fucking know, dude. But normally, it just doesn't. But every fucking person just beat the fucking shit out of me. And like I said, it wasn't like, you know, for the first two, you're like, all right, well, you know. It was annoying, but I'm learning. And then, like, the fourth person, at one point uh coach andrew was like hey uh just i couldn't

tell because i thought it was sweat at first and then i was like that my own fucking yeah iron cup pennies and he was like yeah i like look up and i was like oh okay and i got to the bathroom and uh yeah i'm just fucking you know and so i like uh patch myself up for a little bit stop the bleeding and then i'm like all right you know it's just a little one i'll go like a minute in second guy boom same spot and it just starts i'm just like you know what i'm gonna go do my show i'm gonna go do i think i'm done here today i think i'm gonna go do my little show i'm gonna to go do... I think I'm done here today. I think I'm going to go do my little show. I'm going to go take a shower. I'm going to

use my loofah. I'm going to exfoliate my skin a little bit. I'm going to do my... You did not do any of those things. No, I hopped in the shower for about three and a half minutes. I did moisturize my face because I have been trying to do that more. Yeah, it keeps you young.

To get... That's Jake's big secret to looking... Jake's been doing all my skin I have been trying to do that more. Yeah, it keeps you young. That's Jake's big secret to looking. Jake's been doing all my skin care. Yeah. Well, I do it reverse for you. I use the aging cream. Welcome to Pandejo Town Time.

Welcome to Town of Pendejo, Choppo Trap House, Tim Dillon Show. Welcome to True Crime Obsessed, Pendejo Obsessed Crew. I don't fucking care anymore, dude. Welcome to the show um we're back with another high energy episode here i um you know jake you ever been to an airport uh yeah a couple times in my life yeah what are they like uh stuffy i feel like you can't make any mistakes in an airport like you can i suppose but they're very stuffy places i always feel like when i'm in an airport that i'm moments away

from going to jail for the rest of my life really i've never been to one i was just asking away from going to jail for the rest of my life. Really? I've never been to one, I was just asking. You've never been on an airplane? No, I have, just not at an airport. Dolly, what do you have to say? Here's the thing, man.

I do this show for one reason and one reason only. What's that, brother? To learn English. And when I've got other languages coming in and out of the flux, man, it throws me off bad. She's just trying to get in on some bits and riffs. She's telling you, what about airline? What about dog food? You ever try dog food, Thomas? What's the deal with dog food? What's the what about dog food you ever try dog food thomas

what's the deal with dog food what's the deal with dog food guys they got wet food dry food hey uh how about a lot of food how about that i'm a dog how about fucking uh how about piss how about yeah how about some fresh water how about human piss and shit and and come too yeah how about some fresh water every once in a while? How about human piss and shit and cum, too? Yeah. How about that? I've been trying to litter box train my great- Your girlfriend? I've been trying to litter box train the old lady, and it's not going too good. You know, those people in my 600-pound life really just need to get giant litter boxes.

Dude, so there's a show called Too too large i don't know if i've told you about this one i think you have with the pads yeah so that's basically just get like a giant like a fifth like a 75 gallon like a horse feeding tub like yeah yeah yeah it wouldn't be that bad no i don't think so i feel like there's a scene where she's crying she's like i don't know how look if you let it get to that point you should be proud honestly like you should be like you know what i'm gonna steer into it i'm gonna start pissing you think michael phelps gets mad at himself for how long he can swim no no thank you so much oh wow that looks that looks insanely good it's awful hot plate it's okay i just put my whole hand under it

let me let me show you what was for dinner yeah let me see that dinner plate big dog nice what is that pork egg it's got eggplant uh fresh mozzarella a little bit of eggplant parmesan is that what i'm looking at right now um let's go it's got some ground beef uh this looks like some some pasta here some spaghetti yeah quite a spread you know me i hell i don't know much about things other than baked beans and ramen. Not that I'm institutionalized. It sounds like I am. I just am kind of lazy. I'm more of like an old west.

I'm not a mentally insane person. I'm more of like an old west cowboy. Just big old cans of baked beans that I eat at the edge of my Bowie knife. Speaking of baked beans, I was driving on the way home from the gym, and I hit a fucking – I saw something in the road, but I couldn't immediately tell what it was. I was like, I'll just roll over it. It's not – I hit it, and there's like this disgusting scraping sound.

I'm like, all right, that's sick. And I pull off into the complex next to mine and it was a big like one of those the ones that restaurants have the big like wholesale uh 10 can of black beans it's like a foot tall and it's like a tub i couldn't tell what it was i thought it just looked like a bag like i don't fucking like like like. I thought it just looked like a bag. Like, I don't fucking, like, something else. But it got stuck, like, inside the front. Like, I hit it, like, can, open can first, and it, like, wedged itself in the grill of my car. Oh, I thought I was going to, I considered. Was the seal intact?

No, so the seal was gone, and the reason it got stuck is it, like, it literally stuck. I was going fast enough for, like, the metal to hit the plastic, and it, like, kink. and it like like there's like two little notches in my crew do you have beans left in there no i ate them all i uh yeah i went kind of at fucking baked bean mode on them i ate my dinner for a while i um i had some um vacuum sealed bags of pre- rice, and I'd warm one of those up. And then I would warm up one can of baked beans on the stove, cut up a sausage and throw that in there, throw some jalapenos in there. And then I would just dump the rice in there and eat it out of the pot very good that's that's pretty started doing that every day for a while for dinner because i thought i was a genius yeah and then i was just like giving myself stomach cancer so i had to stop the uh we've talked about my dad's fitness meal on here before, like the big-ass bucket of canned tuna and peas.

There's really nothing better, though, than a plate of just depression nachos. Go to the gas station, get some Tostitos, whatever the Toritos, 10, Tommy Tortilla, and a bag of the worst shredded cheese like it's not cheese it's just kind of like yellow it looks like a cgi ranger yes ps3 cheese like if like if an alien was interrogating you and was like what does cheese look like it's like yellow rectangle yeah it's like yellow pieces of string i guess i don't know and then you microwave that for about like a minute

and a half and uh that i've probably now when you're really when you're when money's really good you can make depression quesadilla that's the flour tortilla same shitty cheese maybe some chopped up jalapenos like the canned ones from the gas station uh i think i ate so many depression quesadillas that i like burned a hole in my lower intestine there for a bit um it was uh also that dude this shit's so fucking the like big frozen sacks of just like they're like the family meal they're i forget who makes them like bird's eye or. But it's just a big sack of meat and vegetables, and they're like $5, and you can boil them up and cook them.

You've got to love it when you're down on your luck. See, Trader Joe's, if you're not completely broke, it's nice. Yeah. Hard times. You can make it work. You can make it work, for sure. You can make it work. You can make it work, for sure.

I, for a while, was just eating ramen and eggs out of mixing bowls. And it was one of the happiest times of my life. I would make four blocks of ramen, and I would put like eight eggs in there. And then I wouldn't stir it or anything. I would po wouldn't stir it or anything I would like poach him when we lived at the house and there was like I don't know seven or eight of us there

like couch surfers roommates roommates, girlfriends, whatever no one liked to do dishes ever and there well there was one guy who

would do them out of spite and hate but about halfway through the time we were there he quit doing them so the fun game that we would all end up playing is like what can you make what can you get that's clean because no one wanted to do dishes no one gave a fuck everyone was too fucked up all the time to do dishes what is kind of like a cup that you can drink alcohol or beer from

so like it would start with coffee mugs and that's not that weird like you can get a nice mixed drink in a coffee mug kind of feel like a professor or you know like a fucking you know artist or something like that i don't know history teacher but then those would run out and then we had like two or three big mixing cups for some reason and no one baked in the fucking house ever we barely ever really cooked in that house uh that would be next and they were big so you can make a real nice big fucked up mixed drink and uh in a mixing cup but those would go and so then like then then you entered like what's that uh the area of the ocean where the sunlight doesn't the abyssal zone where like mariana trench yeah yeah like you it's like i'm sitting down next to a buddy of mine

and we both have plastic bowls that you would like eat cereal or spaghetti out of there's ice in it and then like mixed it's like tequila and like lemonade and you're like yeah it's just like i would come to i would come to the living room and they're like the fuck are you eating man i'm like oh this is alcohol and they're like dude just wash a glass and then just man i'm like i don't want to like do like any of that like i really don't i considered it and this holds liquid in fact this holds more liquid than a glass you're making cocktails in a in a teaspoon yeah yeah yeah yeah one of those like you know fucking things that you pour and then when the the bowls would go so you would like uh like we would have like frank had these like flower vases and they were like tall and skinny and those were nice because

it's basically just a glass but you could pour like more booze in it those were those were always like honestly that was a bit of like an uh that was like a noble thing like it felt high class because it it was like a nice tall like two and a half foot tall fucking thing that you could like basically pour your entire bottle of like five dollar liquor in or whatever but it was like you're you're sitting down you got the music going on the bluetooth like lights are going and y'all are sitting there like cracking jokes you're pre-gaming for the big party but all the guys just have they're just you're just slurping liquor out of us man i'm ready to get fucked up tonight dude like

you know like just fucking going again oh is it really fuck yeah baby baby baby love fuck one second alright no you can leave it I got it I don't give a shit anyway no

no it's okay Jake if you need no it's good and well Jake is gone now and I just want everyone to know I

you know his birthday is coming up and I've got something special planned so hey I'm back oh hey Jake we weren't talking about anything okay I didn't think so

yeah it was like it was always you kind of just it's kind of like a cowboy by a fire feel when you're like everyone's like sound like they have head cold. Just drinking a mad dog out of another guy's scalp. Yeah. When you said the mixing bowl thing, it reminded me that when we ran out of the little bowls, we had a big silver, not fucking not fucking silver, but, like, a big metal mixing bowl.

And I poured, like, a bunch of shit that was just in the house, like, liquor in the house into it and just drank out of it for, like, I don't know, like, three. It was, I don't know how much, but it was, like, like a dough mixing bowl. Like, it was fucking huge. I don't know whose it was. But that was, like, the King's Cup, you know? Like, that was an all right. Like, now we're in fucking business. Frank was a big fan of fucking Game of Thrones.

And he got a big horn. Like, a big fucking, like, an ale horn to drink out of. Well, his was kind of, like, little. But you can get, like, the big motherfuckers or whatever. That's a dedication to not only a TV show bit, but also to drinking. I have a Stein that I got when I was in Washington. It's pretty fucking cool. I like Stein glasses.

They're cool to me. But drinking out of an animal horn, that's just not... I'm not tough enough to do all that i'm not like viking bread i'm not i'm kind of inbred really but uh i think that's all viking bread is very fair point i did not think about that that's a very good point were vikings in but did they fuck each other i thought that that was the British or just Europeans in general. I mean, they're like island people. Norwegians? Like Scandinavians?

It's all islands. What do you mean they're islands? Oh, I thought for a second. I was saying, like, you're, like, saying that Norwegians are, like, the same part of the world. You think island people is derogatory? No, I just thought island people. You think that the Vikings were too smart to be on islands?

Yeah, that's exactly what I think, Thomas. They were too— Wow. I'm actually— I think there was definitely some interbreeding done, but I don't know if it was necessarily an agreement by both parties. Oh, I see what you're saying. Right, yeah.

I think most of the, you know, the... There was this, like, this thing... A lot of seeds were sown back in the day this thing um i saw that happening on the internet for a bit where like people were trying to like reclaim viking historical like culture and runes and stuff because like white supremacists dog whistle to each other with it or whatever the fuck like this the type of nazi that varg is like the wizard one like the golem fucking gargoyle one. And then so like there was like a left, I don't fucking know, but they were like making memes where it's like Viking culture was actually matriless.

So shut up, Nazi boy. This isn't, you know, and I'm like, this is pretty ahistorical. I feel like Vikings' favorite thing to do was like rape. They loved pillaging. Yeah. That was like their main thing that was their yeah they like they weren't like oh we're gonna spread left we're good yeah exactly they were like man i hope they weren't knocking doors for bernie yeah they weren't doing do it inside

and like fuck everybody yeah everyone like they were like murdering monks yeah yeah killing children and she like when you play assassin's creedhalla, it's like we're here to spread the brotherhood of the Viking power and peace. I'm not expecting a historical accuracy from Assassin's Creed. They should have done it like, we are all rapists. I'm not sure what I expected because I think in one of them, Karl Marx teaches you karate or something. I don't fucking remember. But yeah, I don't. Both sides of the political aisle trying to appeal to the Vikings seems kind of goofy to me.

They do make good TV shows about those guys. Well, I'm a leftist Viking and I vote. I'm a communist Viking, Lord, and I go to the polls. Yeah, I'm kind of like an anarchist, but more in a Viking way. Yeah, I'm like a Viking, anarcho-Vikingist. I'm an anarcho-Vikingist. It's like, what do you do in the commune oh i plow the fields and you know i process the grains what do you do um i can't just eat pills like we everybody's got to have a pill eating guy you know you got your stall on this you got your linens i'm a laura tabite yeah i'm

a laura trot you know the trots, you know how they can be. I just, you know, I kind of take a more of like a Maoist third oxycontinist position. Just kind of like, like, like I'm sort of an opiate, I guess you could say.

Um, dude, imagine if, if Vikings had perks. Oh man, I'm trying to be immortal. Yeah. There was no,

they would never have lost any any ground anywhere uh i i would like to think that and i'm maybe they would have just hung out and said yeah instead of just like plowing through the first island and find like find like codeine and they're like i was getting chill here everyone's like go back time, kill baby Hitler. I would just go back in time to give like the fucking just like a big tub of Oxycontin to all the Vikings and see how that changes the course of history forever. It would just delay it because they're going to run out. Imagine when that happens. The pillaging would be much, much worse.

They would be. Yeah, honestly, it might be the end of the world as we know it. much worse. They would be, yeah, honestly, it might be the end of the world as we know it. I would like to think

that of all of the, like, cosplay, like, LARPing, like, on the far right and the,

like, the Nazi guys and then the, like, communist teenagers on the internet or whatever, that,

like, if there were to actually be some sort of cultural revolution or any sort of, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that there would be a guy who's like cultural revolution or any sort of, you know, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, that there would be a guy who's like, yeah, I'm kind of like the shot. Like I'm not going to work in the fields or nothing. I'm kind of like a, it's kind of a viber,

you know, I kind of like read more of like a theory guy. I'm not like a tilling fields and making steel with a big funny hat and flexing and shit kind of guy i'm more of like a smoking weed guy ordering dominoes guy like ubering uber eating mcdonald's at 2 a.m guy is that a position can i be commissar of uber eating fucking burger king at 450 in the morning i imagine that that would be like the bulk of the leftist movement. Maybe I have a sort of.

You sound like you're saying that in bad faith. Elaborate on what you mean exactly by that. It seems like a bad faith argument. What makes it bad faith? Because the faith you have is bad. Seems like it's in bad faith because the faith you have is bad seems like it's in bad faith you know yeah i i honestly i didn't think about that i you're making a bad faith argument what about it is yeah you're saying that in bad faith dude it's like uh well the faith to even ask me to explain what that phrase means like you're asking me in bad faith right well i mean i you know i'm not

trying to condescend to you at all that's not what i'm trying to do uh but i don't think i'm making i don't think i have bad faith i think that i think i have really good faith i have good faith arguments you have bad faith arguments well how do i become a good faith arguer you have to have good faith instead of bad faith okay step one get your faith in check step two you gotta show respect step three you get on down and you come in this town. That would be a really good... I want Felix to give me $300 so I can make a kid's show. What do you think? I think you could probably get Felix behind that.

I would like to think that... think uh i think you could probably get felix behind that i would like to think that hey man like like you send them i i send them uh like a huge like it's like a 40 gigabyte like google drive file with all these like ideas i'm like i need 300 bucks for all this i i like the idea of like in the midst of all this, like everybody on each side of the aisle calling each other like groomers and pedophiles that your grand idea is to make a kid show about communism. Like, I think it's a good idea.

I think I could pull it off. Every YouTuber and every like whatever the fuck bread tube is. And then like every second Twitter guy who's like a Nazi or some fucking like tanky guy is like getting out. It is. And then the Fox news people, I don't think I'm alert enough to come across that way. I don't,

it does. Actually, I'm going to, I'm going to try to make a good faith argument. I think it's worse to be like kind of stupid about it to be like, welcome to the communist town. Pink and purple purple everybody has their own little gender for you like that's not what i would do i would have really serious stuff on

there and i've already written most of jingles so you would have a serious cartoon show for children about communism i would take it seriously i'll put it like that and they would be crying laughing the whole time but they would also be becoming imbibed in by the imbibed right by the scriptures and the teachings there's like like you and one of those like factory steel factory hats and like overalls you're just like kneeling down to a group of five and six year olds and you're like hey god you know we're here to abolish hippity hoppity abolish that property and the kids are like we're gonna seize the means of production and you were gonna learn construction because you join the union it's so much fun and we'll take away your guns or maybe we won't i don't not sure i don't remember that part i've reached consensus on that yet for some reason i don't really care but i'd like to keep

the marlin 30 30 lever action out of my dad's house because it's fun to shoot. You can shoot it at squirrels, but you shouldn't. They're nice most of the time. You should just shoot it at cans. Don't shoot at no squirrels, boy. Don't shoot at no squirrels. You need to shoot at that can. You can set it up on a stump. And then you can shoot it with that gun.

You get the squirrel can. It's not really a squirrel. It's a can and it's on the stump. Squirrel can. You can do it. You go to the field and you shoot it. It's fun. You bring your gun.

Commercial break. Commercial break. Brought to you by MasterCard. Communist Town. Hosted by Thomas White and Jake Rhodes. Brought to you by mastercard communist town hosted by thomas white and jake rhodes brought to you by mastercard it would be called communist town also i'll be shutting you entirely out for this okay this is me finally getting to voice my opinion this is this is just me laying down the facts everyone who offers help i'm like no yeah fuck you felix is like dude honestly like i know i thought you were joking but i see the vision here i see the vision for

a kid's show about communism and you know i got uh everybody behind it we got amber behind it you know and you're and you're like oh you know what he's like so what's jake's role and you're like enough shut the fuck up shut the fuck up do you of this to work or not because i can walk out right now you do the communist shit it hasn't been great yeah he's not i'll walk out right i'll walk out i'll take you can keep your 300 dollars cocksucker i could go somewhere else and get 320 bucks i keep yeah you know what i can ask any of the other podcasters to give me $300 that I'm close friends with. I can ask Jake. No, I won't.

I won't ask Jake. And fuck you for even suggesting that. So we do like a, you do a communist show. I'll just do a fascist show. Dude, that would not be cool. That would be super cool. I teach kids about fascism and how everybody gets to stand in line. You get to wear the same type of shirt. You have to praise Jesus or whatever the fuck.

You got to like... I mean, I guess I would do it like a white Sharia. Take a little big walk with me. It's time to make the world a three, a theocracy. Let's go. Walk in a row. Let's go. Walk in a row.

Kneel before the cross. Praise his loss. Don't jerk off. I'll shoot you in your head. Anyway, stuff like that. I would love to... Yeah, like if Mussolini was running like... know that that song i just made up was like not very unlike the songs i mean the shoot you're in your head part obviously but it's not unlike the stuff that you're taught in like vacation bible school i guess it's like uh wow that's deep no it's not at all i'm trying to

it's very stupid is what it is. The ghost is licking you. You are being licked. Lick the ghost back. Whoa, cool story, bro. You just got licked by a ghost. Hey. I need to just start doing that more like in regular conversation. Yeah, you're like at a bar or something and the guy's like,

yeah, so I mean it just works. It's been kicking my ass. And you're like, you've been licked or something and the guy's like, yeah, so I mean, it just works. It's been kicking my ass. And you're like, you've been licked by the ghost. He's like, what, dude? You're like, you've heard me. You've been touched by a ghost. Dude, I'm trying to talk to you.

My wife, she's sick. Like, I don't know what's going on with the baby. You've been licked and fucked by the ghost. Dude, you're really pissing me off. Like, my wife's sick. Like, she's pregnant. I don't know what the fuck. The ghost has touched your butt.

Boop. Are you listening? Are you fucking with me? The ghost is fucking with you. The ghost is fucking you. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The chains are rattling over your bed. You're, like, on trial for murder, and it's like,

the security camera footage here shows you stabbing uh this young man's death the ghost is kissing you your honor the ghost is touching your balls your honor i would i would i would like to posit um on my own defense in defense of everyone here and also defending myself yeah your majesty the ghost is kissing you. Objection, Your Honor. You're being fingered by the ghost. Your Honor, the ghost is eating your pussy. It's like a fat old Louisiana judge, like guy. Son, I ain't fucking... You better start making sense here,

because I've had about enough of these antics. Oh, my apologies. The ghost has fucked you. My apologies, Your Honor. I just, you know, the stress of the case, you know, I'm facing a lot of time here. It's all right, son. I do want to remind you, though, Your Honor, that the ghost is nibbling your earlobe now. He's sucking on it a little bit.

The ghost is riding you. He's grinding on your wiener. The ghost is bouncing on it like a pogo stick. Ooh. Ooh. A-boo. Aogo stick. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Anyway.

Sorry, Your Honor. I get a little excited, you know. The ghost is giving you a little hug. Your Honor, the ghost is caressing you. He's kissing you a little bit on your cheek and your neck. He's kissing you a little bit on your cheek and your neck. The ghost is slurping you up? The defense rests, the ghost is fucking you.

We're going to take a brief recess. I'm not sure how to... Oh, yeah, brother. Do you think you could sell being insane to a quarter ball no dude i've watched so many of those like first 48 out whatever the fuck and like those crime shows i feel like the people who are like genuinely nuts that like they actually get off on like not guilty by reason of insanity like you see guys come in there and they're like but the people like first of all we're in texas dude like if you are mentally retarded they will fucking execute you no problem doing that we've been doing that for years we probably one of our

maybe third or fourth favorite thing to do um but let's just assume not in Texas I think like it's always a guy who's like You know like Like It's not a guy doing crazy eyes And he's got a bunch of shit written on his fucking head Like it's you know Those are the never guys that get off by not guilty For reason of insanity

No I'm saying wouldn't it be funny To get off accidentally Oh like the bit works like you're doing your best on the tests and stuff and they're like sorry man you are you are legitimately so fucking dumb i'm like no i killed the guy yeah i did it out of vengeance i reasoned it out and i wanted him dead so i killed him it took me a while to plan this out i showed up to his work i waited till he walked to his car and then i waited till he got in the car and i shot him in the back of the head i was in the back seat that

took some planning and they're like sir we asked you to write a sentence and you said the pizza is over theirs i'm like okay there's an s at the end yeah that's i didn't mean to put that it's the pizza is over there. That's what I meant to say. Sir, we've determined by your... Sir, you said your pizza is over theirs. All right, so two S's. Two S's, sorry.

And it's possessive. That's fine. I'm doing my best here, guys. I'm possessive. I possess a gun. I killed a guy with it. I'm trying to tell you that I fucked a guy and I killed him. He's dead now.

I'm very capable of murder. I did murder this guy. Sir, we just checked and it said that you tried to buy a sandwich with a Subway coupon this morning and you were at Jimmy John's. Okay. Yeah, I get my coupons mixed up. That's not – I mean, everybody does that. Sir, we checked and everybody does not do that. In fact, almost 0% of the population has a coupon to Subway.

Right. Well, that's like how I... You know, I'm a crafty guy. I got a lot of coupons. You know, it's... I'll tell you what, you know, if I'm capable of getting coupons, I definitely could have murdered that guy. I could have killed him. He could have died.

I did it on purpose. I killed him. I killed him. I should be in prison. Sir, we can't put you in there with all those regular guys. I'm a regular guy. I'm a regular guy. I'm a killer.

I killed two people. I killed another person. I've killed 55 men. I killed two people. I killed another person. You wouldn't know about that. I killed 55 men. I killed two people, actually. Right. Sir, we honestly believe this was some sort of freak accident. There's no way you could have even known that you were killing this guy, and there's no way you could have successfully killed another guy.

I could take you to where I buried him. You proved. It's been proven that I killed this guy. I can show you the written plans. I hate this motherfucker. I'm glad he's dead. He's right next to where the other guy was. I don't know how you didn't buried him. You proved, it's been proven that I killed this guy. I can show you the written plans. I hate this motherfucker. I'm glad he's dead. He's right next to where the other guy was.

I don't know how you didn't find him. I hate both of them. I wanted them gone. They are my two old bosses. Worst enemies. Very clear motive there. I mean,

one of the most common. I cut one of their penises off. You should understand that this is, I'm very serious about this. Sir, we showed around the time of the murder you

were watching the show dexter on netflix and we do not believe that any intelligent informed killer would be learning how to do so through uh a show with michael c hall in it okay i was watching the show i wasn't i learned i was selfught, though. I didn't learn how to kill people through Dexter. In fact, I didn't employ any of those Dexter tactics. I shot the guy in the head and I cut his penis off. Sir, we checked. You just watched the first episode and then you did what he did in the first episode to this guy.

Okay, that's a coincidence. It doesn't mean... I still killed him, though. I killed the guy. Okay, that's a coincidence. I still killed him, though. I killed the guy. Sir, we asked you to take the IQ test and it came back as a 65. Right, that's almost

passing. I feel like I did fine. Is that a D? That's a D, right? That's a D minus, I think, in college? Listen. Listen. Listen. If you... Do you think... People are always like,

oh, it's a sick, twisted guy to kill women and children. But I feel like that's just easier. Like, of course you would do that. Seems harder to kill a man. You know what I'm saying? It's just, like, easier. Like, of course you would do that. Seems harder to kill a man. You know what I'm saying? It's way easier to kill a turtle than a book. Yeah. I don't see how it would even be, like...

I don't mean this in a... In a trying-to-be-inflammatory way. Right. From the... From a, like, uh... Like, logistics standpoint? to be inflammatory way right from the from a like uh like logistics at standpoint no no in in terms of like playing the game let's say right isn't that kind of cheating to kill children yeah i guess i mean it's definitely like minor league shit like it is it's bush league uh like yeah obviously it's very yeah i mean i feel like i'm trying to think of a serial killer other than dommer and dean coral but no dean coral

killed boys there's nobody out like if i feel like if you want to be like a like the goat of serial killers you got to kill like mma guys or just like you you gotta kill like bodybuilders, like powerlifters and shit. I mean, there's probably a lot of serial killers who who've targeted prostitutes and never been caught. I thought, dude, I was watching

some like documentary on this dude that was like a serial killer in Houston and I was thinking like, yeah, that's probably really common. Like, I feel like it's it like they like they just don't nobody like unfortunately it's unfortunate like nobody gives a shit you know so it's like well like i feel like people give a shit now more than they have yeah i'm talking like that's like it's like the 60s and 70s where it's like oh she's dead but even now, if you're going to find a group that's least protected...

Yeah, for sure. It does make sense. But the Zodiac Killer just got freaky with it. Dude, he was swagged out. Pictures, I'm not saying... Don't hand it to the guy. I'm not saying you got to hand it to him. In fact, don't hand him anything.

But I will say that picture, that shit, that outfit he wore, he looked like he was dripped out. Like the big hood with a cross on it and like the big black like bomber jacket. And the fucking like that motherfucker looks sick. Like I didn't see every sketch of the guy is when he like ran up on that couple. And I guess fucked him up pretty good. And they died and shit because that's what you know but uh did you see that um you don't remember last year i think it was whenever they were like oh we figured out who it was yeah yeah yeah and they were like it was this guy oh by the way everyone who knew him said he was part of like a gang of guys who lived in the mountains yeah wait was it zodiac or was that the gold no zodiac the golden state killer was that guy that

that old cocksucker they caught who was in his tomato garden like fucking like planting fucking seeds and shit that's what i'm thinking of so he was like a like a mountain motherfucker? Like a fucking... Well, I do not have a lot of sources here. But I believe it was last year. No, I remember this thing happening. They did advanced DNA or something. But nobody gave a shit. Yeah, and they were like, we found out who it was. Yeah.

But then there were Facebook posts from guys who were friends with him. It was younger guys. It would be like, happy birthday, Zodiac. They would call him the Zodiac? Yes. That's awesome. Happy birthday, BTK. Like, he had... One theory is that, like, basically after that huge string of killings... Yeah.

He just, like, hid away up in the mountains for, like, decades. With other guys. Nice. Who may or may not have been part of the killing. Oh, okay. I see what you're getting at. It may have been multiple people. Like, okay i see what you're getting at it may have been multiple like multiple dudes or whatever yeah and apparently also like he may have like just had such an urge

for killing that like while he was up there he would have to kill like just like rabbits and like sometimes like bears and stuff i mean you know you gotta get you gotta scratch your itch i guess you know i think the like imagine being one of his friends would be like all right finally we're up here and none of us have to kill any more people ever we're just up on this ice yeah no one else ever to be killed by any of us yeah did uh i remember reading about the golden state killer the guy that got like two three years ago yeah late 70s early 80s at this point i forget how old he was but uh i was reading so like he would like call up his neighbors like they had like a HOA or something he was a part of. And there was one lady that he'd be, like, he would, like, call her at weird hours of night and be, like, I'm going to get you, bitch.

Just kidding. Sorry. This is Don. My bad. Hang up. And then, like, when the police, I saw the video of the police. They brought the fucking squad, dude. Now, we're talking about a guy who did fucked up shit.

brought the fucking squad dude now we're talking about a guy who did fucked up shit they know good and goddamn well that this guy is like 400 pounds like 82 years old and you can see pictures of like they have any reason for cops to like get the truck out i feel like they'll take it and they're like all right we're gonna go uh secure the perimeter uh We have word that the Golden State Killer is 425 pounds, about 80 to 85 years old. He's planting what looks to be turnips in his front yard. So we're going to need about 15 guys armed with AR-15s. We're going to need level four plates on these gentlemen. We're going to need the tank to roll. Like, it was overkill to apprehend.

I know the guy's a monster. I'm not saying. I feel like at that age and at that weight and as bad as his health was you could have had one sheriff's deputy just be like hey man uh i know that you probably thought that you're good oh by the way my name's tom you know um i'm a cop i don't even tell I know that you probably Thought you're good Or whatever Like it's been a while But we know

That you Choked like 50 women Straight Like It's you know So you could just Hop in the car You know

You can just come with us Or whatever It's fine I feel like you know You're that old You're like nah alright You know Yeah

Cause for me Like I didn't even stop That long ago Yeah I yeah i don't think anything's really gonna it'd be very funny if you like you're like yeah man you know some fucked up bullshit that uh you know i'm on probation you know work's been bad you find out i've never had a job ever like i just have like cuts on my face and stuff sometimes i'm like yeah chipper is acting up i get a call you know how that goes you get a call from a guy and he's like hey did thomas tell you like what what story did you hear about why thomas got arrested i'm like oh it was some bullshit you know he's like thomas killed 15

guys in laredo got off on a technicality just went into a diner and just just keep fucking just mowed them all down and then just walked right out the door. God, I wish. You were nervous about going back to Buffalo to get the car because you killed somebody there like four years ago. But it's Buffalo. Yeah, I killed somebody when I was 17. Hey, dude, it happened. I got my driver's license. You drove to Buffalo and killed a guy.

Buffalo and just killed a guy. I'm like trying to back out of the parking space from the motel where I just killed a guy. I'm like, fuck. Okay, so 10 and 2. I got my permit so I can have one other person in the car, but not more than that. I want to do mass killing sprees, but I can only have one body in here right now. Yeah, like a discontented white nationalist teenager on his way to go like shoot up a target and he's like okay ten and two all right have music down

low you're gonna hit your blinker okay you're gonna you're gonna get make sure you don't have the double white line when you hit the turning lane okay there we go here we are pulling into the target now we got all the guns all right we're gonna be very very careful like if i could just like take it following every uh rule and regulation on the way to kill a bunch of human now. I've got all the guns. Alright, we've got to be very, very careful. If I could just follow every rule and regulation on the way to kill a bunch of human beings with a gun. That probably wouldn't happen. No, I would imagine there's

not a lot of forethought into that. Or maybe there is. I don't know. Did you ever hear about J. Edgar Hoover? Yeah, I heard of the guy. It rings a bell. I bought this book on him.

And I haven't opened it yet. But, man, it's some powerful stuff in here, most likely. Is that the one that talks? Well, there's one that covers basically his life as like a cross-dresser. Like he just loved getting dolled up uh really he did i uh i don't know which one this is because i have not read it i got i bought it at the antique mall um he was four dollars not bad he was one of those classic old guys from like the 40s that was like if you suck dick jail for life and then like in his spare time was like i if you suck dick, jail for life.

And then like in his spare time was like, I'm a little girl. I'm a little baby girl. Yeah, he's one of those classic, you know, conservative guys. He doesn't really have a good, he has a good actually,

let's look at the back pictures of him where he's younger. Wow, he really... Looked like shit or what? Well, he really had a decent jawline there when he was not 300 pounds. You know? Yeah. He, like, gained 80 pounds, but, like, in his head. In the neck and head area, yeah. He was like, gained 80 pounds, but, like, in his head. Neck and head area, yeah.

He was like a bulldog. He was like, I have to be a rectangle. It's amazing that such an evil guy. Hey, J. Edgar Hoover. Edgar's. Shut up, fat ass. Edgar's not a white guy name. Come on now.

Edgar. J. Edgar Hoover. I'm Yeager. I think I'm Big Meech. Larry Hoover. J. Edgar Hoover. I'm J. Edgar. I think I'm Big Meech. Larry Hoover. J. Edgar Hoover. Wow. I just opened this up, and this is some crazy stuff.

What does it say, Big Tom? It says... It says, I'm J. Edgar Hoover. My name is J. Edgar Hoover. I love being... I love to see the FBI. I love to dress like a lady and go to the mall as J. Edgar Hoover.

I'm J. Edgar. I am in the United States FBI organization. I love killing Malcolm X. I did not organize the murder of several important figures in the Black Power movement. But I do like to wear sundresses. My wife, she does not

approve of this. But I really like to put on little high heels. You know... What? Maybe he's more of a grandma type um look i would imagine that uh when i heard when i first read about that maybe he just wore like zara i was gonna say i was like it's like shine he just wear moomoos because the guy like when i i was like oh he's into that stuff like whatever but then i was like this is like an old fucked up looking fat guy who is pissed off constantly

and was a huge piece of shit. Was he dolling himself up, like, pinup style? Or was he just wearing, like, a big tarp or something, like, putting a wig on? Yeah, also this wasn't a guy with a lot of free time. Right. If I had to guess. You know, just receiving a phone call about what MLK's up to or whatever,

like some riot they're breaking up. Yeah. I like that I accidentally was just saying that MLK just caused riots. That's all he did. Anyway, you're like, yeah, the president's on the phone.

You got to take this. And you're holding the phone up to your bonnet like, what is it? Hello. What is it that you have for me? Hi, my name is J. Edgar Hoover. I'm not wearing. This is J. J. Edgar Hoover. It's like, I know who you are, son.

I gave you a call. I got questions for you about this Malcolm fella. I was wondering if you can give me the skinny on him what's he been up to i'm not wearing a dress sir president sir mr president i'm not wearing a lacy slip or pantyhose either didn't ask you son uh i'm not sure why uh anyway i'm trying to well i mean these black pan, do you know anything about them? How black are they? How black are they, Jay?

And are they actually panthers? Are they animals, or is that something? Do they own panthers? Do we need to worry about that? Do they live in the jungle? They probably don't, do they? Because that wouldn't make sense, would it? That would not be, that wouldn't even make any sense. J. Edgar Hoover's wife calls up to him. Hey, J. Edgar Hoover?

J. Edgar Hoover. It's the president again. It really rolls off the tongue. It does. It's one of those old names of history. Lyndon B. Johnson. J. Edgar Hoover. It's just very like...

Names used to be cooler you know no i'm saying i think it comes from an era where you wanted your name to take as long to say as possible yeah yeah good point oh you guys come to the party tonight j edgar hoover is gonna be there yeah he's gonna be sucking everybody off in a little wig. He's gonna look like fucking Mimi. He's just, you know. Now it's like, uh, you know. Hey, Mike Smith's gonna be. Hey, Barack Obama's at the party. Yeah.

Who the hell started coming up with stupid-ass names like that? What kind of dumb-ass name is Barack Hussein? What kind of stupid-ass fucking shit is that? What kind of dumb fucking stupid bullshit is Barack Hussein Obama? Who the hell came up with that? Stupid shit.

Dumb fucking bullshit. Fucking stupid. Hey, Barack Obama, get fucked, loser. Yeah, dumbass. Dumbass. Airhead. Airhead stupid fucking moron. Eh, get lost, son.

Hey, why don't you kick rocks? Yeah, I'll put you to go kick the can down the road, you big piece of fucking turon. Eh, get lost, son. Hey, why don't you kick rocks? Yeah, how about you go kick the can down the road, you big piece of fucking turd? Take a hike, brack. How do you like that? How about you suck my butt, loser? How about you fuck me in my fucking mouth, dickhead? How about you fucking put that in your pipe and smoke it close up? How about you fucking, yeah, get the...

How about you slap yourself silly with that? Roll it down to hell and get your fucking yarn tangled up, you big fucking jackass. You fucking, your mama, you fucking dork twerps. Why don't you go fucking close your eyelids and take a little nap, you sleepy little baby. Why don't you tuck yourself in, you snoozy ass bitch, you fucking... Why don't you roll that up in a doobie and suck my fucking car? Why don't you start sipping that tea and fucking on me you goddamn fucking brah kusain say i bet you put that in a put that in a pan with some

flour and make a nice roux out of it and put it on some chicken and then grill that up real nice and then give it to me and suck my dick while i'm eating that why don't you get a nice shaker out you know some fucking vermouth some some olive juice, some vodka. You fucking shake and stir that up and shove it right up my ass, Barack Obama. Yeah, how about you fucking kiss me? How about you just give me a little smooch? How about you come to my house and... Let me ask you a question.

And you clean me up real nice. Let me ask you a question you clean me up real nice ask your question what you want do you think barack obama uh like still like does drugs like do you think you know like i i would imagine i this is not really just a question about Barack. I think post-presidency life, at least for me, in my mind, they're always trying to make deals and calls, and they're always at meetings and shit. No. I feel like I'm fucking off. I'm going to go.

I feel like Old Barry's definitely doing yak. There's no doubt in my mind he's doing yak. When he's hanging out with richard branson on the guy's private island jet skis like that old cocksucker who's been fucking billionaire for his entire life you don't think they're hitting some fucking tutors off some you know child slave i don't he probably has a separate nda just for people who do coke with barack obama i was uh i thought that whole thing was like not real this is just in general like the nda celebrity party thing until like it's like a couple people like from the internet or whatever that like made videos and it was just

like yeah i went to a party and i didn't like they just like people who live in la that like they don't they got invited to a party by somebody and you get there and it's like uh I guess you could have your phone but you got to sign this paper and then like they're like I don't understand and they leave and it's like post Malone's house or something I don't know if it was post Malone but I wouldn't sign if I if I'm going to a party and someone's like hey if you tell anybody what happened here I'm gonna take you to jail like that's not I don't know like you know I feel like that's I mean if you get like molested or something that yeah it's not, I don't know, like, you know, I feel like that's. I mean, if you get, like, molested or something, that's not like, oh, I signed an NDA, fuck. I don't also, I don't know. Yeah, that's a good point.

I'm not sure if I'm going to go to a party where I have to, like, because that just opens the door for, hey, why am I signing, like, a 10-page document to get fucked up? I think it's mostly just, like, literally for the celebrity. No, for sure. For sure. Because like you don't want like tabloid shit out. But also like you don't want people to be like recording what you're doing. Oh, yeah. No, 100%.

Like you can't have a good time with that. No, no. I would imagine that if you're like an A-lister or something that like getting down probably fucking sucks dick. Like trying to just chill the fuck out or whatever is is probably quite difficult i know a guy who had to sign an nda to deliver a piano to sandra bullock's house that's awesome what would why would you need to i mean unless he was there to fuck her or something so so you he couldn't tell people what was in sandra bullock's house oh that makes sense he just gets he wasn't even there just gets in Sandra Bullock's house. Oh, that makes sense. He just gets in there and it's like a bunch of children in a fucking cage.

He didn't tell me what was in there. I don't think he would just remember. Yeah, he probably doesn't remember. He's an old-timer. He was the same guy who invented that energy drink that was just crushed up Sudafed and Mountain Dew. Oh, yeah, I remember you telling me about that guy. That's honestly a sick drink. I remember when you told me about that, and I was like, I laughed at the absurdity of it.

And I was like, honestly, that's a fucking solid. If you're a trucker like this, he's not the first to do that. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because I know that, like, I've heard people, truckers doing the, like, they crush up the bag of no-dose. You know, it's like 2,500 milligrams. Like a heroic dose of caffeine or whatever.

And, you know, dropping it in a fucking monster energy drink or something. You know, I'm thinking about... They should... What's up? They should have, like, the Coke Freestyle machines for energy drinks.

That would be sick. And you can get it in the 44 ounce. Do you think that pedophile millionaires, like the elite cabal, like, they have a freestyle machine for what type of child they want? Like, you can put in there, like, Polynesian boy, you know, like, 4'2", kind of chubby, and then you put all your shit in it and it outpops like the kid you want. I don't know. I wonder if they have one of those just for yak coke.

It's like the strain's not hitting like it used to. I remember trying to work a joke out for a while that was like, it sucks that there aren't strains of Coke, like there's strains of weed. You could give it names like buyer's remorse or three-day disaster or whatever the fuck. This shit is going to make you fucking text your dad, dude. You're going to fucking stay in your room and just fucking, this stuff makes you jack off, this stuff makes jacking off feel like you're dying. This stuff makes you want to get into a fist fight, but with inanimate objects only.

This stuff makes you steal shit that belongs to you. It belongs to you. Like you start stealing. I feel like that's more benzos. I would wake up with stuff like my pockets stuffed with shit that belonged to me. I was never like, I know some people that got like klepto-y when they would black out on bars. It was really fucking annoying.

Like they weren't bad people when they were sober. When they bar out, they just would like, but I would wake up with like, I guess I would freak out that I was blacking out. So I would stuff my wallet, my keys, my phone and my jeans.

And then also like, like a TV remote. And then like like i had an ipod at the time and then i would put like like my watch like i would wake up in both jean pockets or just i am just laying on my back and i have these basically two kangaroo pouches full of like all of my small belongings and uh yeah fuck me god damn it i can't stop fucking bleeding over here. I remember the first time I ever blacked out on Benzos. We were next to a lake, and before it fully hit me,

the whole time I was like, man, I really want to throw my keys in the lake. Like, it was just an intrusive thought. Yeah, yeah. Like, I was sort of like, I was like Naruto trotting around this campfire. And I was like, God, I want to throw my keys in the lake. Just see how far I could throw them. And just watch them just splash. It was so cool.

And then the next morning, I wake up in the trunk of my car. And I'm still at the lake or whatever. I get out. And I can't find my keys. I'm like, fuck. Did I do that? Did I fucking? And I have to call my buddy and be like, hey.

Did I throw my keys in a lake last night because i feel like i feel like that was like the main thing i remember was really wanting to and he was like i don't fucking know man um so i had to look for like 30 minutes and it was a hot summer summer day and i woke up like halfway through the day thankfully i had some fucking common sense to roll the windows down before i like because it was a hatchback this was in the matrix okay okay okay and i did not fold the seats down i curled myself into like a bug shape and and stayed in the truck but at the time i was sleeping in that space so much that i just gone ahead and put two pillows and a blanket back there.

Oh, okay, just in case. Just because it was going to happen a couple times a week. Right. I woke up and I was in pajamas, like my own pajamas. Somehow I had blacked out off fucking Xanax and like pineapple ales from the

gas station and been like, fuck, do I have any pajamas? I'm going to sleep in my, like changed into pajamas, slept in the backseat of your car. Right. In the hatchback.

Yeah. The Trump party. Like I looked like a fucking dead June bug. Yeah. I was like, fine. Where's I just put my keys. Apparently I put them in And I was like, fuck, where is... And I just put my keys, apparently I put them

just in the fucking backseat. But I remember being like, damn, dude, this is probably a universal thing, dude. Xanax just makes you want to throw your keys into a lake. Everybody wakes up in the trunk of their own car

and their sleeping time in their jammy jam clothes. My buddy, when we went on that road trip rich gay zach he uh he was just he brought like enough drugs to like sedate like a full-grown silverback gorilla and what's fucked up in a different part of the story but uh he swore up and down there were no check marks leaving west texas now my buddy who's from uh harlingen he's from the valley and spent a lot of time in west texas was like dude there's like two and they have dogs and if the dog gives them a little fucking sign they will tear the doors and your inside panels off your car until they find what they're looking

for and of course you know he insists that they don't exist. And then when we get close to the checkpoint, he's like, all right, stop. I'll throw my drugs out. And we're like, okay, cool. And we get to the checkpoint just fine. And then we're about 20 minutes out of the checkpoint and he turns around to me in the backseat

with this Damien from Omen smile. And then pulls from his gooch a bag of Xanax, a bag of Vicodin, a bag of weed. And he's like, I didn't throw it away. And we all, he thought it was funny. And we all were like, dude, do you understand what would have happened to everybody in this car except you because your dad like your godfather's a da at dallas and your dad has ties to the fucking whatever your aunt's a federal prosecutor everybody in this car would have been fucked raw in the ass you probably would have just gone back home to dallas and in fact they

would have probably landed a jet out here and toted your ass home uh not everybody else in this car we would have gone to prison anyway uh we stopped at uh truth or consequences new mexico and uh he was fucked up off of xanax and he kept calling this goose that was honking at us the hard r n word it's just he was just like the goose like he did that motherfucker ran up on us like he was just floating out on this elephant butte lake uh which is a little close to truth consequences and he was like huh from like way far off huh we were the only people on the lake and uh zach's like fuck you goose stupid piece of shit the goose is like huh from the distance but he's swimming closer huh he's getting louder and i was like zach there's fucking people camping, man.

Like, let's just keep, you know, like, we're all drunk, you know. He's just barred the fuck out, dude. And he's like, fuck you, goose. You're a stupid. Just lets it rip, dude. And we all just go like, Zach, dude, no. Like, no, Zach. And he's, like, laughing.

He's like, I don't give a fuck. It's funny. It just lets it rip again like at the goose louder and there dude there are people camping within like a like we're kind of away from everybody but we're like on the shore but that people can hear they hear this fucking like six foot guy big fucking fat guy drunkard and shit this goose and by the way the goose the whole time is like oh oh like it's talking shit back like i don't know if he's saying the goose version of the n-word like i don't i gotta fucking know you know but we decided at that point that we needed to get him back up the hill and i think i told you he this this was the same time that he took

his pants off to piss and rolled down that hill of cactus and got fucking cactus thorns did i tell you about that this was i think yeah that's that uh that same time the way that that started was he was talking to us about like uh because he kept like pulling his penis and balls out and like his ass cheeks and shit we're like dude fucking stop man like we're all fucking man like hey at the house this is funny but dude we're like and like this is not we're not rugged camping dog this is there are families here you've already said the n-word like twice like you know come on man and he's like when you watch movies at the house when you watch your little to me he's like you watch your little fucking artsy movies where the girl's tits and pussies out is that art to you i'm like i don't fucking know sometimes movies like a french movie i guess so

and he's like so why isn't my penis art? Just like Xanax rage. Like, he thought he was making this profound point. And he's standing there. Like, his pants aren't around his ankles. They're like mid-thigh and just the top of his dick. It's like his boobs are out. And he's like, dude, if I'm nude, nudity, the form of the body, that's art across the board.

So if you're watching a movie, one of your stupid fucking movies you watch, The House, where they got the subtitles on and some guy's penis is out. Oh, it's art because it's in a movie. But when I pull my penis out, it's not art. And we're laughing too hard to explain to him that that is not even what we're talking about at all. We're laughing too fucking hard and we're like, no, this is a campground. It's a public campground there's an rv about 150 yards from here i'm pretty sure there's a family with children and uh you got a lot of drugs on you man and you have called a goose the worst word that you can call anything

inanimate or human or animal you can't say that and then three if anybody sees your penis and they call like the warden out here like out here, you don't just get arrested. You've got to get on a list. It's not like we're at the house. You want to do a little penis showing? Swag. That's very. It's a classic.

You cannot show your penis at a public campsite. He literally was like, I see your point, Jake. I see what you're saying but like you need to accept that like nudity is like art in all forms and i'm not like i was he's like you need i need to hear you say that and i was like yeah all right zach your penis is art brother like your cock is fucking it's the same thing as an a24 movie where somebody's penis and balls are out it's the same thing as some fucking you know it's the same porn is art and your asshole is fucking van gogh dude like whatever the fuck we had to i had to give him some of my sleeping pills because he i think i told you this but it was the same like the night culminated and if i if you if i told

you already you can stop me but the night culminated with him telling Frank, his best friend, that his little sister was getting dicked down. Did I tell you about that? Oh, dude. So I go to the – I literally – he's acting a fucking fool, and he's popping like more Xanax and drinking tequila out the fucking bottle. And this was 2016. I had just turned 22 and uh and so my i bring that up because

my my best friend frank my best friend's frank his little sister his youngest sister was probably like 15 or 16 and they grew up in the same little bubble at Dallas outside Highland Park, and they all went to the same private school. And Zach's younger brother was in school with this guy's younger sister. And right. So establishing contact. I'm in the fucking tent. I'm like, I've had enough of this motherfucker because the police are going to show up. I don't even want to be around him. But I'm listening to him, and he's like, hey, Frank, we've known each other since we were kids, man.

Our family, our best fucking friends, man. And as your best friend. And Frankie's already like, dude, man, what can we talk about in the morning? Because he's the only one out there talking to him. He got stuck with it. He's like, dude, I'm trying to tell you that my little brother told me that your sister, dude, she's giving it out dude like she's like like she's fucking dude and he's like dude shut the fuck up right now he's like i'm just like i want to be a bro to you right now dog i'm trying to tell you bro like i know you're mad i can see that you're mad but like as a man i'm trying to

come to you and tell me that my little brother knows like three guys that ran through your sister and that's just the three that we know about i mean he's going into detail dude and frank's like i don't give a fuck anymore like he's like and like the whole time he's like, I don't give a fuck anymore about that. He's like, and like the whole time, like the whole time, dude, he's like, I don't know why you're so mad, dude. I'm trying to do you a favor. And he's like, what favor are you doing me? What fucking favor do you think you're doing me right now? And like I'm like, I'm in the tent with my friend Edgar,

and we are just fucking rolling. Like we're just, Cameron went off somewhere to like go on a fucking walk or something in dark and it's just like he's like but it was just like the idea that like i can imagine it with a brain full of xanax vicodin weed and tequila that he really he was like i'm doing my friend a solid right like i'm doing my homie, dude. I'm letting him know, you know, that his sister's just been fucking and sucking throughout the whole town, dude. Like, just going on a fucking rampage. And I, like, later on that next morning, everybody's sobered up. We're hungover as fuck.

Zach doesn't remember anything. In fact, he wakes up fucking chipper. There's a little bunny rabbit. He's in the car just like, what music you guys are going to listen to? We got to head to Utah. And fucking frank's in the back like just fucking just fucking play whatever man i don't give a fuck anymore about this stupid fucking trip and uh you know we're like not because every time one of us giggles frank just turns his head and look at his real sharp and he's like you know and because we all know what's going on zach doesn't remember and uh he's like frank what's up man a little too hung over today

and he's like pull the fucking car we were we were in a like a three-row suburban and he's like it's just like hey man it's all good he's like what happened last night i had to like i was like as pg as i could put it i was like hey man got a little too fucked up called a goose the n-word pulled your penis out um you exposed some information to frank that you know he didn't care need to hear and he's like oh like what and we're just like he's like looney tune like steam it's like dude he's just back there like fuming and we're like you spilled some beans about you know sister and he was like he i don't think he was meant to like he was like oh fuck that did i and we were like yep and he was like oh like by the way he's still back there like

it's like trying not to overeat the whole ride to fucking utah dude was just like just silence just like yeah you know the trip was fine but to this day like we'll all be hanging out you know and like everybody's grown up you know we're all like 27 28 and and uh you know and one of our friends jay shout out to jay he fucking uh he's like hey zach do you remember when you told uh your best friend from childhood like your dads play golf together and they held you as babies that his little sister was getting dicked down do you remember that at all like in front of both of them just to fucking stir this shit up and frank's like i haven't thought about that shit six fucking years it like reignites the whole fucking thing it's actually like no i don't remember that but i mean

every time you bring it up it seems to get a pretty good laugh so like ha you know it's like it doesn't it doesn't matter but it's just like it's just one of those that like had it been me and if i had a situation i would like heck man can we just not bring that one up can that not be like a you know a riff something we riff on for 30 minutes at the bar an old reminiscent story tell the one about how i shit my pants or how i almost od'd like don't you know but it's it it didn't happen to me so it's very fucking funny uh anyway you know sometimes in life sometimes in life, you take too much Xanax, and you sleep in the trunk of your car.

You call Goose the N-word. And you don't go to jail, even though you should have. Yeah, there's a lot of things we both should not have gotten away with. 100%. It's too late now. Well, you know, what's funny is I'm glad that I did because it's just content now. You know, it's just jokes. None of us have ever actually gotten in any trouble,

which has been cool. Well, here's the thing. Both of us have been arrested and gone to some form or type of a jail. There's different ways to look at it. I'm sitting here thinking, good point. We both got off scot-free. Then I'm like, no, we didn't.

Literally. No, we didn't at all. Literally. I mean, mine happened 13 years ago. It was a much milder case than yours, but I still did go to jail. I'd still get arrested or whatever. You're just like, man, I can't believe I got away with everything. And it's like, no, I had a friend damn near OD.

I got arrested. It's like I didn't get a DUI. That's the only thing that happened that I guess I should have had one, but I didn't have one, I suppose. But you know what? There's just time. Yeah, knock on wood. I'm acting like I'm like 50. I'm like, man, the end of the road, and I got through it, everything. But you know what? There's still time. Knock on wood.

I'm acting like I'm 50. I'm like, man, the end of the road, and I got through it everything with no DUIs. It's like, hey, 28, dude. You still drink pretty fucking often, and you have a car. It's still not a grand possibility. And you live in Austin. You know what? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know what I will say? I think my dad had two by the time he was my age. So I think I'm doing it. In terms of breaking the habit. And now he's only got like what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what I will say? I think my dad had two by the time he was my age. So I think I'm doing, you know, in terms of like breaking the habit. And now he's only got like what? I think it's three or four. Yeah, I think it's. It's so awesome that he just keeps just nothing. Your record should be like Yom Kippur.

Well, I think. You know, like at the end of every year, like all your DUIs. I told you, I think last time we talked about it, he heard that I brought it up on the show. And he like wasn't mad, but he was like, listen, man, one every 10 years ain't bad. I was just like, what do you mean? And he's like, a lot of motherfuckers get three or four in the course of two years. I just every decade, bam, bam, bam. And I'm like, Dad, you drove drunk like every night.

That's just you got caught those three or four times. And he's like, yeah, but, you know, I mean, it's about getting caught. I ain't about doing it. You know what I'm like? All right, whatever, motherfucker. Yeah, I don't like I don't know. I've been talking about so many fucking times, but I just I don't like, I don't know. We've talked about it so many fucking times, but I just, I don't. Mad respect to just, I don't know, driving drunk is irresponsible.

Don't do it, guys. I know that none of our listeners have ever driven drunk. Do it. If you're listening right now, just shove, you know, just take down a whole few. Let me ask you a percentage question. How many people, like, of our listeners do you think listen to this show while they're drunk behind the wheel of their car? Like 40%, 50? many people like for of our listeners do you think listen to this show while they're drunk behind the wheel of their car like 40 50 i can't imagine drunk driving to podcasts it happens i would assume that it happens i like to think of someone going drunk into work listening like 6 30 in the morning still fucked up yeah i feel like people do yeah yeah like still

fucked up from the night before but not like yeah but like they drink so much it's always the same level yeah yeah it's like every they're just like always kind of like a six out of ten fucked up level or whatever yeah yeah i can't i respect that more than like oh no hope yeah you know it's just like no this is as sober as i would like to think that was my dad's case he's like i wasn't that fucked up it's just how he always is like from new from dawn till dusk just kind of like yeah seven out of ten or whatever i mean can you imagine state trooper pulls a guy over and he's like hey son rolled fuck down got that big mag light on big bald ass fucking head big bald-ass fucking head,

big fucking drill sergeant hat. That guy rolls the window down but doesn't turn the volume off, and it's me, and you're like, okay, I'm so sorry. I lo siento, senor. He's like, what the fuck are you listening to, boy? It's just my show. This is just my favorite podcast. I would have—

Imagine you roll the window down it's you yeah yeah like just me telling yeah yeah some fucking i can't imagine getting arrested to this show i mean i guess i could i don't know but like i got arrested to palma's disco playlist yeah it was like it was like like world music like yeah it was like it was like Africa Disco

boom just getting led in the back of a cop car yeah I mean I turned the music off but like I like

was trying to process everything at once and he was like Ernie Atmato yeah it was like, Ernie, at my window. And I was like... It's awesome to go to jail to a soundtrack. I told you that lady was listening to KSBJ the whole time I was in the backseat.

You know, you're fucking... Oh, how he loves us. I'm just sitting there like. I have a fucking. And heaven meets earth with an unforeseen kiss. And my heart keeps pounding inside my chest. I can't help but take you as we are about to leave. Goodbye.