Pendejo Time - DO YOU WANT A BONE? (Audio Only, FT. Patrick Eady and Jamal Rahal)

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

Patrick Eady and Jamal Rahal are comedians from Houston, Texas. They have a weekly show "The Dirty Show" at Secret Group, a comedy club on the East Side of Houston. Check out the video episode here https://youtu.be/XreBMHf3hpESupport the show

What's up everybody? We're back another fun fucking episode. Thank you guys for coming on. This is Patrick Eady Oh dude fucking Jake Rhodes you're the fucking man bro. Thanks for having us on. Yeah, no problem, man Jamal I spelled your name wrong. Yeah, it's Jamal Rahal. Yeah. Yeah, I was like I was like Rahul that's like a Batman It was like a Graz Al Ghul and then then I was like, no, I'm just like, I really don't know this guy and I'm just like doing internal mild racism about him in my head. I know the mild about it, baby.

Yeah, last night TJ was like, oh Jamal Ruha, I'm like, okay, now I'm a drag queen, thanks dude. You called him TJ, you called him TJ, JT, so we're just off to a bad start on the whole group. No, we're getting bookings, man, this is called networking. Yeah, it's called network. Yeah, your name is whoever I fucking say We're actually here because we can get paid for last night yet

This is how the show is gonna go Jake Rhodes, baby Jake Rhodes is a sick name though Jake Rhodes sounds like a guitar player or something like that. Yeah. Yeah drummer I guess yeah drummer somebody last night was just like a baseball player from like the 80s like a coked up baseball Player like you played for the Mets. Yeah, have you ever seen the documentary on the Mets? Well, they were just coked up and on speed and they took a team picture and I was like They're crushing it to that picture of Brian Bosworth from like the late go to dude his His his iris or pupils are like the same exact size as irises So he just looks like he has just black dots

You would do speed and then you do smelling salts before you go on the field to yes be cranked out Well, like I didn't know like I was like the human body is capable of withstanding so much pain because the boss is like He's on speed. He's on coke. He's on meth He's on roids and he's rolling on like 80s ecstasy. Not this fucking bullshit like methadrone, like the good E-Baby. And he's a fucking star athlete. And he's like 250 solid muscle.

And people on the TV are like, oh well there's microplastics. I'm like dude, we are capable of withstanding so much. Microplastics, you fucking communist? This guy is a lab research chemical. That's why we talk about wrestlers a lot too, man. It's because like, you know, they're just fucking, every day you got pain,

like you would take painkillers. Oxy, yeah. Because you drink four beers, you can stay cut, and you can get hammered off four beers. Oh yeah, because you're like 2% body fat year round or whatever the fuck. Because we woke up this morning, we saw, what did we see, Mickey 17 earlier?

Yeah, that movie ruined. It was all, and we had a little bit of hangover, I gave him some Kratom. Oh, I always eat that shit. Oh dude, Kratom's like such a nice, but it's like what a baby drug that is, like it's just a painkiller you buy from a fucking smoke shop.

Yeah. Which is sick. They have the really strong ones called 7-0, that's what I've been eating. So it's the shit in Kratom that gets you fucked up, but it's super concentrated and it's actually just like O oxy and I've been eating them every day for like say I don't ever try it guys You guys know this saga guys. We're gonna try it. She's an oxy saga Don't you guys don't do it gas station oxy gas station oxy sounds like a great Dillinger escape

it's like Like one of those like noise bands It's like one of those like noise bands. Dude, I know I was watching the Iron Claw and all of the like sad fucking films. Dude, that ending where he's like, you know, we'll be your brothers dead. I was like, ah! You know?

Well, every wrestling movie, I was watching The Wrestler, I was telling him about it with Mickey Rourke. Oh, great movie. And there's a scene where he's just trying to get paid and they're doing some hardcore match. He's like, so what's the deal with the staple gun? I'm just going to hit you a few times. And it's way worse. It's way worse coming out than it is going in. And the next scene is

just glass and barbed wire everywhere. Jesus. Did you see that video of him where he was talking about Trump and how he got visited by the FBI? Yeah. Yeah. The interviewer was, oh, it's Pierce Morgan. He's like, what did you say? And he was like, some things. He's like, do you care to share them on the show? And he's like, no. And he's like, what are you thinking right now?

And he goes, read my mind. He never breaks character, man. No, dude. He's incredible, man. That old, like, K-Fabe stuff was like so interesting well you were talking about before the podcast how Stone Cold was on Punk'd and he like that guy was just like you know you're his boss yeah oh yeah cuz K-Fabe is like my favorite thing about old wrestling is like so say like you're a

comic right and like you don't travel anywhere else like the second you bomb on stage you're like well how can I book you again so if you're like an old wrestler and you know and like you get your ass kicked, they're just like, how the fuck am I going to have you fucking wrestling on these retards? And have them believe you. I love that shit. Because at the same time, it's like, not that if,

we get frustrated when we meet comics, we're always on. But if you're like a big ass wrestler, I want to be intimidated a little bit. We went to Whiteswan, and there was a death metal show, and it was a death match. And there was this big ass guy, his name was called The Hustleweight, and he was huge. He was like 6'4, 5'4, 20.

I'm like, dude, I like your gimmick. He's like, it's not a fucking gimmick. And he just walked away. I'm like, that's fucking sick. Yeah, yeah, that's sick, dude. Those old guys like Harley Racing, those dudes that would just like. What's your finish, kid?

Yeah, like they would just, they like would, I remember watching the, like, hearing Ric Flair talk about it, and then a couple of other guys that were just like what you finished kid yeah like they would just they like would I remember watching the like hearing Rick Flair talk about it and then a couple of other guys of just like yeah you do 200 shows a year and you're drunk like 300 days out of the year and not like a few beers drunk like completely gone dude his fucking interview where he was talking about this was on Rogan when he was on Rogan with Tony Hinchcliffe he would almost cop to like fucking a 14 year old-old girl, Ric Flair would, and then Tony would just have to interject.

Like, it's like, oh, you know, Joe, back in the day, sometimes we'd put him out in the newspapers, any age, any size. And Rogan would be like, and then Tony would be like, now, didn't you and Andre Giant, you and Andre, you guys used to drink, and he could drink how much wine? And we'd go, oh, you know several bottles, Joe, but the kid knows those girls.

Those, you, I'd check IDs and I'd say, oh, I don't know about, oh, come on back. And Rogan would be like, oh, those are, so you and Hulk, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know, Joe, I won my 18th title on Epstein's Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went down the slide. It was one of my most, Joe, I won my 18th title on Epstein's Island. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I went down the slide.

It was one of my most, like, one of the most, like, bizarre. Because I'm like, he comes from an era where, like, those guys were doing literally whatever they wanted. Like, Vince McMahon is literally the devil. 100%. Some of those fucking text messages, dude, is crazy shit. He got off. He's not going to get charged for any of that shit.

He got off. He completely got off. What? They dismissed the whole case. What the fuck? Why? I mean, it happened in the Super Bowl, because he was a photograph of the Super Bowl,

and the next day, they're just like, by the way, this is all gone. This is all gone. Well, part of it was like, I don't know, man. It's a very crazy thing, because it's like, he legally had control of this girl's life. Yeah, yes. And they couldn't prosecute him on it. I don't know.

That's insane. I didn't know. It's sexually trafficking, but I was just like, also, Vince McMahon, like, I mean, as far as Hollywood producers got scary connects on shit. Who has scary connects? This guy's fucking good. Oh yeah. Saudi Arabian connects.

Trump. Him and Trump are boys. They go way back. Dude, Coinbase, the fucking crypto thing that ripped off a bunch of people They were gonna get fucking torn to pieces by the federal government, right? They donate 77 million dollars to the Trump campaign and then that charge goes bye. Bye. Yes up politics. That's so awesome No, you mean we're against a lot. Let's pay our way out. Yeah, how much money you got buddy? Yeah, everything's for sale, baby That's kind of that's I mean, that's

Dude, it's shit so fucking sick. I because you know even crypto now It's like it's it's if you could talk into the micro a little bit. I saw you mess with the levels earlier I was like, it's me. I was too tight. You're fine. If you just have right too tight I never seen you be too tight. Yeah, too tight. Jamal Hall. Give it to him, baby You've never seen me be too tight, Jake. If you get too tight, Jamal Rahal, give it to him, baby. Oh, man. It's such a cool, all this fucking time right now. It's even like in Houston, you know what I mean?

I feel like we're GTA 6 characters. Oh, yeah? You too? I mean, just how this whole life is, just fucking going from town to town, having fun, and I don't know. I hear people come to Houston, and it's like a weird final frontier. It's like the final stage, like in a Red Dead Redemption.

Yeah, it's on the knee a little bit, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking weird spot. Perfect way to put that. Yeah, that's why I was telling Jamal, I think last time we were in the green room of the secret group, I was like, I love doing the secret group because it's like, I don't want to say it's a hard room to do well in,

but like, I don't know, some of those late night crowds can be fucking ruthless. And if you can like, corral them, like sheep, then you know that you've got a good set, because it's like, they're all over the place, they're so drunk, they're so coked up, and you know, so is everybody else, but it's like, when you're the comic.

We ain't pointing a finger at the comic. Yeah, come on, man. Well, I mean, that's why Jamal's like, my style too, we had to develop that kind of style, where you basically have to corral them in you know Yeah, you know just scream at him. Yeah You see um like if somebody has like If their bag isn't that fucking deep full of tricks like you know like oh you open up the pedophile joke try that

Those are your one for us. Yeah It's like you know it's like any bullshit. You're like fuck you fuck out of my face Yeah, actually I automatically don't respect you because you have a microphone which I do appreciate yeah Yeah, I do appreciate you think you're fucking better than me. Yeah Bought a ticket to see me yes, bitch. I am better than you yeah. Yeah, you're here right now You paid five whole dollars to come to getting those five whole dollars back I have to fucking kill me to get that money You got the fucking you got to kill my mother to get that money. You got to fucking, you got to kill my mother

to get that money. I'm so scatterbrained, I was like stuck on the, I'm still stuck on the old school, I remember like Undertaker talking about the K-Fave thing of like his policy of like if anyone broke it around him, they were like dead to him or whatever. And like now I think it's like, like I can't imagine going into a bar in like the 80s right yeah, and there's a dude

They're dressed like a ghost and you want to call him a homo because what grown man? Hey, my name is called the vampire and you're like what the fuck and that guy can break your spine in half Yeah, if he's six six and he's wearing fucking face paint in a bar. I'm not talking to him Yeah, I'm not guys. I yet. I'm not gonna talk to that guy first. You see that huge homo over there? Don't look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just fucking.

Well, because they would talk about, they'd have certain hangouts they'd go to and shit like that, like places. And you wouldn't know. Oh, hey buddy, what are you doing? He would, he dressed like a biker. Remember the American Badass? Yeah, American Badass, yeah, the Kid Rock era.

I'm not dead anymore, I'm just racist. Yeah, dude. That was right after 9-11. It was actually in 2000 it happened. Was it? So it was Judgment Day, I'm about to be a nerd real quick, sorry, Jermall. It's fine.

But it was Judgment Day 2000, the Rock and Triple H had a big Ironman match. It was a big Ironman match. Watch your beer, Pat. Which was like a 60 minute match. And then homeboy. You know what K-Fabe is? What do you think about that?

Do you want a bone? You want to take a seat? What? What kind of pay breed are you? What? Are you a mutt? What? I don't discriminate.

What? Kibbles? I think we scared him. Alpo? He said, bitch. He came back. He's like, I like running bitches. I like bitch. You want to punch up my active-ance? I think we scared him Bits you want to punch up my activists you want to give me a tag

That's fine keep going boys any age any size That's no good Who cares? I gotta throw that rug anyway, the wife's gonna be pissed dude. She hates me She wants me dead. I know dude. She's gay lesbians living in a warfare all the time Lesbians house does kind of look like a lesbian's house a little I was actually pretty disappointed with the soap collection when I went in your bathroom Oh, yeah, so dude. That's the, though. The guest room is like the studio slash my office slash where I go to either record or write music or whatever. It looks like shit in there, because that's like, my wife has completely made that room.

She's like, that's your place. Yeah, it looks like a place where you come off methadone. It's like a dog kennel. I was just about to say, that's your kennel. Yeah, yeah, that's my kennel. That's where you take Suboxone. It's like goon all day. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my I'm on my my edging carnival. So when you say goons that like hockey Just touch the tip or go to the chef. All right next question. Stone Cold. I don't think it was a question big dog. Oh

My god, I can't believe they finally got Stone Cold to come to Arlen, Texas I like charcoal better Hank. what you got to say about that? Accessories, what are those? You feel special? Do I seem special? It's so funny that he's like, as far as a Texas redneck goes, he's a pretty progressive guy. I've seen a couple of interviews of him where he has a political worldview that you wouldn't expect Stone Cold to have. But I don't know if it's because of like.

I think it's because he works in TV. I think it's also a combination too, kind of over time. You have this idea of you. And it's like, you hear at conferences, I kind of hate my fans, because they come up and you say wild shit Yes, and I can we like saying a lot of shit, but that doesn't give you fucking license company You say like oh, do you like I remember like?

Somebody was in my fucking as another comic. He's like oh, I'm I think I wrote this bit I think it would be better if you said and it was like Hulk Hogan saying the it would make no It's better if nobody says this yeah, this bit sucks Why you trying to sabotage me? I met you at a fucking bar in spring and we had a nice conversation But this is don't write for me like he's like dude. I got a great type five for you It's just the hard are over over over. I haven't thought of that. Yeah fucking amateur Yeah, how many no any fucking dance? I get like dude yourself, but we got to split a bag

We write a joke about this. I'm like lose my fucking Instagram Fuck it was a period where I kept giving my number out to white rappers. Why are you trying to let them fuck you in your ass? I know, what the fuck? No, we were getting, I wanted to be more drug dealers. Oh no. Remember that guy Wyatt we knew?

Oh my God, this dude. You're talking about the dude with the long hair, right? Bro, there was this one time we were doing the Dirty Show, and he fucking just airdrops a picture of his dick to everyone in the crowds, whoever opened it. He came in the green room to tell us. Yeah, and we had to kick him out immediately, dude. This dude was a lunatic.

So he just like, yeah, mass-text picture of his hog to the whole club. Jesus. Not a comic, bust in the green room. I'm so excited to tell us what he did. Yeah. Dude, it's like yeah, Jesus comic bust in the green room so excited. I thought that's way did yeah Yeah, for real that's straight ticket straight to jail 100% yeah like yeah I was like you just admit it to a felony you fucking pervert Yes, what's up? We were hanging out there and like he gets drugged and we noticed cuz he says like it's happening again Oh my god

You got drugged no, it's a Wyatt he runs out. It's a I have to go home right now. It's happening again What the fuck did he get drugged with? I don't know that place is so sketchy sixes and sevens. Oh, yeah Yeah, the uh, oh that club the riot. Yeah, the, oh, oh, that club, yeah, yeah. I feel like Houston, I have a lot of friends who get roofied, but nothing like, nothing bad happens. What's the common denominator? I got a lot of friends who get roofied. It's like, who's always there, dude?

You got some muantillos? Yeah, I got a side hustle I'm into these days. I'm the fucking Austin Rainey Street killer. There's a guy, so like there's a, I swear, I think it's just gay guys getting really high on fucking poppers and GHB and driving those gay scooters into the fucking river. That's what I think.

But everybody's like, you know these like true crime amateur like TikTok ladies that are like, they play spooky music under it they're like 10 men have Been found drowned. Yeah in the river in Austin, Texas and then and then And then they show it shows pictures of all of them like the night that they drowned it's like from an Instagram story and they're like And it's like is there something more sinister going on? The scooters are killing you.

Yeah, the cocaine and Austin sucks. Cocaine, gay sex, and just having a dope ass time. Like, swag, that's it. That's it. I hate this, because everything now has to be content. It all has to be true. Everything, even what I'm doing right now. But this is a comedy show.

Like, I'm not making it, anyway. All these, yeah. Yeah. No. Nice young. It's like 20 fucking times I see the Austin Rainey Street gay guy killer. They don't, that's not what it's called.

But. The gay guy killer's out, dude. Yeah. It's not ghost face, it's cock face. Yeah, yeah. It's, I'm like, what'm like, what are we doing? And then, every time they pull a body out, it's like, this one had a cut on it.

And it's like, dude, those scooters go like 20 miles an hour. Yeah. Like, I've seen so many people drunk as fuck eat shit on those things and really fuck themselves up. I see people get hit by cars in front of the seat group, dude, all the time. It's awesome, dude. Dude, they should not have brought those to Houston.

Yeah. I grew up there, people will go 70 down Westheimer. They don't, nobody gives a fuck. in front of the Seat Group all the time. It's awesome. Dude, they should not have brought those to Houston. Yeah. I grew up there, people will go 70 down Westheimer. They don't, nobody gives a fuck. It's fucking nuts, dude. And they all offer helmets. Now one fucking person takes it. Yeah, yeah, I know.

I told you, you don't look gay. Well, I'm gay. You don't look gay on a scooter. You're already on a scooter, you retard. I'm not a scooter guy. I don't think you're a scooter guy. Dude, I'm trying to imagine Patrick. I heard that.

I know I'm not built for the goddamn Chinese plastic fucking scooter. That's why I have all fucking cars, Jamal. I know I'm not built for the goddamn Chinese plastic fucking scooter. So I have a fucking car tomorrow I know not built for a fucking scream. Give me two Fucking children's toy on Camry, please. Yeah, that's my scooter, my Camry of fucking justice. I'm trying to imagine Patrick on one of them, but it's got the wild hogs handlebars from like the big... There's a third wheel. There's a third wheel.

It's a tricycle. That's awesome. Yeah, I don't know. They keep trying to make a big crime scene out of it, but I'm like, I don't know. And I tell people this and they're like, you just don't want to admit that Austin is a serial killer. I'm like, I don't know. And I tell people this, and they're like, you just don't want to admit that Austin is a serial killer. I'm like, dude, if Austin is a serial killer, that's awesome. He's killing the wrong people.

Yeah, that kind of rules. I can show you three mics. These guys got no way to go. Three guys. They're having another beer. They're just dying to have another Jeffrey Dahmer somewhere. Can I have one too, please, actually?

It's also a self-importance, too, on their part, where it's just like, oh, no no I'm tracking a killer yeah exactly dude that was that was like something like that going around in Houston where like they can't find the same exact profile exactly what's weird about no you know you don't actually made me like pretty pretty like it's in the text the big star yeah yeah well made me actually pretty happy like I walked into the green room oh thank you so much I walked into the green room and it's like Sandra Dee and Coralist Lorde and all my all my black. They're just like, I literally walk in and they're just

like, we're just talking about how there's a pretty boy serial killer. We were just talking about, we're worried about you Jamal. I'm like, oh, thank you. You think I'm pretty? You think I'm cute? Were you in the green room, Patrick, when that fucking coked up, like, North Indian old fucking dude from Mexico came in there to the green room and was trying to, he was so coked up. He was like, I take all your motherfuckers south of the border and I'll have y'all performin' for real ass motherfuckers and he was not saying motherfuckers he was saying the N-word. Ha ha ha ha! That's my friend. And he big-ass

10 fucking 10 gallon hat, Columbia puffy vest on, he was like preppy rich like Hispanic dude and one of the comics was there Forget his name. He's been on Tony a bunch He was like see are you gonna say we're gonna perform for like cartel guys and he was like I'm not seeing fucking anything like that And he got all serious and I was like dude first of all, man, I'm not going to Mexico with you Yeah, I think you're lying 100% I know you're lying because I've done so much cocaine that I've given myself schizophrenia I know what's happening right now, right? You know, I'm trying to throw you at the bottom of that river. Yes

Yeah, dude And fucking yeah, he's trying to get me to the bayou and he was like he was like well I we do all kinds of crazy fucking shit We do crazy shows and I was like he's I'll pay you five thousand dollars and I was like If I get into a car with you, we're getting pulled over immediately In Baytown we're like making it to anywhere close to the fire Not making it anywhere. Can I get one of them? That's all right, I have blood pressure attack that's why I have my medicine

Thank you Attack that's why I have my medicine Yeah, sure, um, thank you Lip pillars nose nose beers, but uh, yeah, there was a same profile It's in the Heights the same shit, but it's kind of a genius kind of thing hold the like this part right for your mouth Sorry, man. You're good. You're good. Good. Yeah. Yeah, I'm holding this like fucking like I play Rush Limbaugh You took so many pills he lost hearing in one ear. Yeah, dude. Well. He like he like He like fuck. I remember. I don't know if this was like I'm not a doctor I don't know this shit works But he took so much oxy that he like fucked up his brain's ability like produce its own like endogenous opiates Yeah, so like if he would like if he would like get a little like now with oxy like yeah

Yeah like he would like, if he would like get a, with oxy. Like yeah, yeah, like he would like stub his toe and like apparently it would be like the most painful thing in the world, because if you do too many opiates, you like don't produce endorphins like you used to. Yeah, you don't have pain management anymore. Yes, so it's like, it's like the way like guys hit on testosterone, they do too much,

they have to like be on TRT forever, I guess kind of the same way. Right, wow. What a fucking bad ass dude. He was like, yeah, and like that was a time too, like it was like, you know, the 2000 and 2010, like you can just go to different doctors, get the script read. Oh, of course, that oxy. Well, cause like now a time too. It was like the 2000, 2010. You can just go to different doctors and get the script read.

Oh, of course. That oxy. Well, because now my mom, she's been in the hospital. She's like, yes, her pain killers. We're just like, well, Mrs. E. Like, you just cut the bitch open. The bitch is full of gauze. You got her fucking hooked up to more.

She's hooked up more like a router, dude. She has more wires on her than fucking Darth Vader. Give her a goddamn painkiller. For real. It's like, can you take a Tylenol? Like, I want to put a fucking gun in my mouth. What are you talking about? Yeah, dude.

They did an overcorrection on that. Oh, you're good. They didn't. Patch it comes over, give me a beer. I'm going to throw your trash on. Just busting your balls, buddy. Busting away, man. Yeah.

Fucking, they did like an overcorrection, where I think they were giving away too much oxy and in order to correct that they like they said okay Nobody gets anything Over correction those cuz the impending lawsuits coming down their ass Oh, they're gonna find so many like even though is epic like you lose a lot weight some people are like losing bone mass Yeah, you know saying because you leave with it? Because you lose too much weight too fast. Everybody's got the ozempic face, like all the celebrities.

Dude, OK. It looks bad. People look like, OK, they're looking like they get buccal fat removal. They lose too much weight too fast, and then they get the biggest veneers. Yeah. So everybody's like, and dude, I'm like, you're an A-lister.

You are like a beautiful woman or a handsome guy. And it's like, Brad Pitt gets new surgery, and he comes on the screen, and he's like came open his eyes Yeah, you're so big. I can't even breathe Fucking Mark Ruffalo's teeth and I got that movie. Yeah, yeah Mickey 17 is phenomenal. I gotta I want to see it it rules Did it Robert Pattinson apparently refuses? vocal coaches in some of his movies. Really? His accent in this movie is,

his voice is fucking ridiculous. Did you ever see The Devil All the Time with Tom Holland in him? No. Great movie. But he refused, it was set in the deep south. Oh my God. Dude, I can't.

Teach out. Go to Netflix tonight, watch it because Robert Pattinson refused a Southern dialect coach. This was set in the early 20th century. He sounds exactly, not a little bit, he sounds exactly like Lil Boosie. He's like, motherfucker, I'm a preacher out here, man. I'm out here preacher.

That's why that's my Batman, bro. That's why that's my Batman. Lil Boosie Batman, man. Tom Holland why that's my Batman. Little boozy Batman, man. Tom Holland did like a really, like he studied like the 20th century like Southern dialect and had a coach. It's so weird though, they got two Brits to fucking beat Southern guys.

And then like Tom Holland's like, I know what you been doing to them girls. And it camera cuts to Robert Pattinson, and he's like, man, I didn't do nothing like that, man. Man, you caught me slippin', man. Shit, you playing on me, man. And I'm like, how the fuck did anybody Man, you caught me slippin', man. Shit, man, you playin' on me. No, you trippin', man. And I'm like, how the fuck did anybody sign? Because Robert Pattinson is so good that it was funny

and it was believable and it was still great and it's a drama, but also I'm like, man, could you just maybe tone that? I think it's one of those things where you're on the set and I was like, this sounds great. It just comes across really bad, like, oh fuck. It's like you film a sketch, like this sketch is going to be awesome.

Yeah, like in post, you're you're like wait this isn't funny at all you guys just mimicking sucky's other's dicks well it was a you know it was a commentary on a scene it's that sucked all this fucking air out of the room because he like he's a preacher Robert Pattinson and he knocks up this like 15 year old girl as part of this congregation has one she looked 18 She's literally like, preacher Johnson, we're going to have to go somewhere. And he's like, darling, now we is a hell of a word. And I'm like, wait, this is a drama. This is like a crime drama.

We is a hell of a word. Something that's in my lexicon forever. We is a hell of a word, sweetheart's in my lexicon forever we is a hell of a word we don't we we isn't anything yeah only one of us going to Colorado very also this is 1910 I don't even know if they're doing abortions you could just fall down some stairs baby usually that thing in the woods you be fine yeah yeah real god I love him dude he's the best no I liked him in Tenet a lot, too. Dude, Tenet's pretty sick.

Tenet's a way better watch. I mean, the worst thing about that movie is just the sound design. I remember seeing it in theaters. So I saw that movie. I was on a second date with a girl during the pandemic. And she leaves like an hour into the movie. And I never hear from her again.

She ghost me. And then I see her at the Seeking Group. And she's like, you don't remember me? I'm like, oh. And she's like, you don't remember me? I'm like, oh. And she's like, yeah, I was just really high on LSD and cocaine at the time. Like, you were living in your car.

I'm like, how are you managing that? Dude, seeing Tenet on like a bad trip with Coke in my system, I would hang myself. Oh, during the pandemic? Yeah, oh my God. It was, she just did, she's like, I have to go. I'm like, oh, okay, sick. Never texts me back.

I didn't hear from her for like three years. I saw her at Secret Group. That's fucking crazy. She kind of looked like a skinny version have to go. I'm like, oh, okay, sick. Never texted me back. I didn't hear from her for like three years. I saw her at Secret Group. That's fucking crazy. She kind of looked like a skinny version of Aubrey Plaza. I was just, man. Oh yeah, you like that type of thing? I like a lot of things. Any consensual adult, you know?

You got it all wrong. You speak too much, my lawyer right now. You got my little pad all wrong. You talk to him now. They try to take the law and use it against your boy. He my Johnny Cochran. Are you an actual attorney? No, I take ex-president Dennis.

Well, I only ask because sometimes I'll meet comedians that are like, I met this guy, an awesome very funny dude, his name's Eric, shout out Eric Snader. He was and is, I think, a practicing shrink, not a talk therapist, a psychoanalyst. Really? He must be like a dog over-stim therapist, like a psychoanalyst. Really? And, He must be like a dog over-stimmyed in a fuckin' open mic room. Dude, in the green room? He's so fuckin' funny.

He's got a very good, he's got an early 90s style, he's an older guy, great comic. Anyway, when I found out he was a shrink, I was like, cause you know, you meet people with a lot of California types, like what were you doing before standup? And they go, what? Yeah, fentanyl. And I was like, what were you you meet people with a lot of like California types, like what were you doing before stand up and they go what?

And I was like what were you doing, what are you doing right now? I was driving scooters into a river. My dad like runs Coca-Cola and you go oh. So you're going to be huge. Yeah that explains a lot of future spots. Or like I don't know like they just, they have like a million dollars in credit card debt, which I can respect, because sometimes you got to get it

how you live. You got to spend money to make money, baby. Come on, man. Shee, man. Shee, man. Shee, man. Shee, boy. That's a clip right there, clip that shit up.

I'm going to send this to my guy, shout out Nick, and he's the guy that makes all the clips for us. Really great guy, great video editor, and he's just going to not do that one because we said to. I figured that's it. I've dealt with artists before. I didn't know how you worked.

I know how the Tinker Train's going over in your mind. Dude, fucking his Luke's bit about the fucking vaccine being a part of it. I don't want to burn his bit. That's such a great bit, but that's bit about the fucking vaccine being a part of it, I don't want to burn his bit, that's such a great bit, but that's cracking me the fuck up, dude. So I'm a computer science major now, I was like fucking, you know half of it, buddy. Did you graduate? Yeah, I'm a bachelor's in computer science.

Where'd you go? University of Houston, Victoria. Oh, nice, nice. I had a concentration in digital gaming and simulation, and now I, do you see what I was going to say? I like how you go, now I, Subliminal messages, baby, subliminal. Yeah.

Baby, it's a sigh out. Tell him, tell him, tell him it's a sigh out. When you were talking about being up with those ducks and you were like, but you were doing Stone Cold Voice, like, man of my size, up there in the attic. Aw, dude. And they do, it's one of those things too, like shit like this, the way your attic is,

have them get that ladder in there and climb in this shit hole box and just try not to die. Because I see your return airs right there, that means you're fucking your systems right far back. It's probably standing straight up. And that guy's fucking, it's arcing, like it's 24 volts, 24 volts, it'll wake you up. If you're like, after lunch,

you got a little bit of a slump going, oh boy, get you going. A lot of our audience is like, it's like we have a really, it's like a little bit of a slump going. Oh boy, get you going. A lot of our audience is like, it's like we have a really, it's like a little blue collar guy. So when we first started the show, it was just horror stories from me working at Plastics Plants in Houston with my dad

and him being like a landscaper and just like, like every month he would send me a picture of his hand, like a big piece of meat missing from it. And he's like, I'm currently arguing with my boss. He's just now telling me that we don't have workmen's comp. Wow. And I was like, yeah, I mean, you work with, you are the only white guy on the Home Depot team.

That's kind of Thomas's. Well, my dad liked it that way. He loved that. Every time he'd get hurt, he would just fucking grimace, like, there's like, Pat, you okay? And he just shakes like, I'm fine. And also, if you get fucked up on a job site, if you can move, there's like, well.

We're not calling back. You want me to call the ambulance and basically knock out six months with the paychecks? Yes, yeah, yeah. Or you want to fucking just get this fucking done? Yeah, put some duct tape on it. My dad used to just smoke fucking cigarettes all the time. They moved the cigars.

The one time I felt he was ceiling I was working with the guys they all laughed at me This is the end of the job and I felt through a ceiling and I walk outside You know look at my dad my dad's welding with a cigar in his mouth And he stops welding he senses me he's like That cried I was a little fat kid I was 16 years old crying in this guy's driveway. That's so awesome dude. Fucking drywall on your ankle dude.

Aw dude, I had to pick it all up off the stairway. And the guy was like, it was like a huge job. It was like 25,000 dollar job. The guy got two zonings. He never called us again. I wonder why. How did shit work? And my dad always let me know too,

because we'd always drive by that guy's house. He says, yeah, that's where you fell through the ceiling. It worked perfectly. Except for you. Thomas was telling me that they were cutting down this tree in this guy's yard, and they had cordoned off in front of the part of the tree, and they left a little opening of the tape,

caution tape, so they could get in and out. He was like an arborist for a while. The old guy that they were working on his lawn was one of those dudes, like boomer as fuck, really nice house, really wealthy up in North Dallas. And he's one of those guys that's like, he's gonna watch you do the job that you've trained to do for 10 years and tell you that if he was

in your position, this is how he would do it. And he was standing under where they're literally chopping off 30, 40 pound branches. And then like, hey, branch down, boom. And then they're like lowering it down. And this dude like walks in through where the caution tape is and he's like, I wouldn't tie off there. That's not gonna hold you.

And fucking one of the Thomas' co-workers is like, man, this is a fucking 10 inch thick piece of sycamore. It's got me. He's like, no, it don't. It don't got you at all. And he's like, hey man, we're dropping, we're about to drop some of these, so I need you to get out of the way.

And he's like, nah, it's my lawn. So, oh my god. I'm just watching to make sure you guys are. I want you to fucking kill me. I will die before I move on. Literally, and so they're like, so this boss is like, sir, really need you to move, and he's just like, so he like walks back a little bit,

and then like is having a conversation and like yelling at one of the, I forget, I wish he was here to tell it. Anyway, he like walks in the pathway and barely misses. They drop a massive like six, seven foot long branch, boom, just lands right at his feet, and he's like, now that could've killed me. It's like, dude, we told you to go.

We told your dumb ass. But she asked for a discount afterwards, that mother fuck. Those guys, yeah, they always did that shit. Well, you know, I respect it. I mean, home ownership too, I get everybody trying to fuck you all the time. Yes, yeah, yeah.

I understand that. But at the same time, it's like, hey, let's have a reasonable level of trust here. And the way my dad would always do shit too, like everyone told me this lady was like, hey, can you fix my system? I follow my dad up there, I take pictures for him, he's sitting on the top of the ladder,

looking around about 15 minutes, like can we go? He's like, eh. He says they would go downstairs, talks to the lady, she's like, what do you think? He's like, you should bulldoze this place and start over. There's no way this shit will ever fucking work. And you can pay me as much money in the fucking world, you're never going to be happy. Yeah, that's my dad

I was always like look man I've got one suspend fucking eight thousand dollars to fix this little problem the problems will go away He's gonna fucking hounds you and hounds you yeah hounds you ain't fucking worth it. Yeah, I'm a chuck in a truck It's just me and then my dad like that's that's the bit I have like you losing a argument to stroke victim Yeah, that was every goddamn week for me. Yeah, you know And you know we have installers come on and I've been working an argument to a stroke victim. That happens every god damn week for me. You know? And you know, we have installers come out, and I've been working with those guys for a while. But every AC company's kind of like that now. If you're not like a big comp, like,

you know what John Moore is, you're a John Moore, right? So I had these customers, they had these guys come in and blow insulation all in there, and then they had these problems afterwards, and they sent a different guy out who doesn't know what the fuck happened, he's just trying to upsell you. And I get it, but it's just fucking,

I hate, I don't mind dealing with homeowners. Some owners are pretty easy to talk to. And for the most part, you kind of learn like doing trade work is like, for the most part, you could be a master fucking tradesman. And my dad was so good at what he did, he liked being a dick. He loved it.

He loved being just like, he would do a political, I remember I had this bit, I was like, Dad, can you wait till after we get paid until you tell him the pandemic's a hoax? He would do it immediately. That's awesome, dude. One time we go to this old customer's house, dude. I go up in this fucking attic to fucking check a gas leak.

I leave him in the living room with the guy he knows and his daughter. I come down, the lady is crying in a recliner. I'm like, what happened? She's like, yeah, he's a fucking asshole. I go into the truck, my dad's listening to conservative talk radio. Hitting his fucking vape, I'm like, what happened?

He's like, some fucking communist cunt. I don't pop a pack for the win, dude. I've told this story on the show so many times, but I always retell when I have guests on, but I was working at Yeah, like off 225 all the smokestacks over there in Pasadena That's where I grew up and like you born there and it's a lot Yeah

Born there nine times out of day like nine times out of ten you live there you work in the plants you get cancer when You're 50 years old you die you make a grace of God Yeah, you make as much money as you fucking can and so that produces a certain type of motherfucker right I mean and Me and my dad my dad worked in the warehouse and I was the mechanics apprentice, and so I would drive over to the warehouse of the work truck and I was always fixing their little shop forklift, because it was like one of those

powered by a little propane tank, which was always fucking up. And there's this dude there, like you know those guys, it's like they were 145 pounds in 1958 and never gained or never lost, just wiry, 65 year old man head. Yeah, just arms are just straight sinew.

He looks scrawny but could probably rip your bottom jaw off. Just like a chimpanzee. Yes, yes, dude, exactly. Thick ass, fucking perfectly manicured square mustache. That's the only thing his wife left him. Yeah, yeah. Dude, we were working 712s,

so you work 13 on, you get a fatigue day, which is a Sunday usually, or you get rained out. I'm tired, I never worked like this in my fucking life. It's 110 degrees every goddamn day, middle of the fucking summer. Right, right, right. And every day, or every Friday, we would be in the warehouse, that's where we'd all hang out

and people were like, we're going to go to Neon Moon, you won't get fucked up. I'm like, hell yeah, dude, let's go. And this guy's like, we're like, what are you doing, Jim? He's like, I'm going to go to that Oriental Massage joint over at 146. Them girls take real good care of you. You guys ever been?

And my dad worked with me and my dad's like, Jim, I ain't going over there, dude. He's like, you should go, dude. We'd get like one of them package deals. And my dad's like, Jim, I ain't going over there, dude. He's like, you should go, dude. We can get one of them package deals. And my dad's like, Jim, dude, I know you fuck 20 years, I ain't trying to get jacked off with you boy. And he's like, what about your boy here, yay, bae?

You ever let one of them ladies tug on your pecker? And I was like, no. No, no, no. I'm 24 years old. I'm pretty sure. And just for now, I don't know what your life is like I think if I just hang out with a girl long enough or we're nice to each other She will tug on my pecker and I don't know

Sometimes and so dude every Friday. It's it's hot dude. I got my fucking high vis on my boots I got my FRs 115 fucking degrees. I'm in this warehouse and He's doing this shit every week and then then one day, man, like fucking, like quick wit, these guys are so fucking funny, and I think it's because they're so fucking stupid. But I was like, he was like, Jake, man, I've been telling you, you've been real fucking pissy lately, you gotta let one of them fucking Vietnamese

just play with your fucking ball sack a little bit, dude. I'm telling you, hey, 50 bucks, and I was like, I got fucking gym, you're a nasty old fucking pervert, I'm sick of this shit. And by the way, those women are fucking trafficked. And he looked at me, he goes, ain't no traffic on the way over there, Roach. Yeah.

What you being gay for, man? Yeah, ain't no traffic on the way over there. 146 is easy-peasy. Look at your Google Maps, liberal. Yeah, and I looked at him and I was like, okay, either you're the funniest fucking person on the planet or you don't know how to read. It's both.

It's both. Genius has found the most honest in many places. Yeah, yeah. Did your mother fucking, he's helped me out. Tell them about the duck job we did. Oh my God. The duck job, the one with all the rat shit. Yeah, I see. I didn't want to say it was like the one with all the rat shit in it. Those are your loyal customers.

Well, no, they're cool people. Some of these names, yeah, but tell them about the rat shit. Oh my God, dude. Honestly, I don't know how this dude has been doing this shit all his goddamn life because these goddamn attic fucking doors are so tiny and Jesus Christ, what is it? I remember we're just up there sweating our balls off and we have this one duck thing

that's giving out cold air. We're just taking turns sharing it. I remember just one moment, we were just quiet. We were sweating our asses off and Patrick's just, be the end of this. No, it was like the first time I kind of got to like spec out a duck shop on my own. I was like, well, fucking, I mean,

Jamal will fucking do this. Cause normally I'll kind of, I'll, you know, subcontract it out. But I was like, you know what? I kind of wanted to learn how to, I never had to do one. And I was good. That was the day we realized that's what duct tape is called duct tape. It's for ducks I'm plus is it's one of those things to where it's just like all right

I've been sex my dad's cuz you do you have to do everything you know you're so yes Yeah, and if I should order to check stuff and I mean I also I'm kind of got to work if I have a homie working With me I'll work nine hours ten hours Okay, fucking and we finished the job and the guy gave us those Clamatos. Oh yeah, that was the best tasting Clamato I've ever had. Dude, I bet that's delicious. After a day like that, dude.

Sweating your ass off, dude, god damn. We had a great time, we had a great time, and Jamal did a good job, but it was just one of those deals too where you're just like, fucking dude. There's nothing like, I would work, we were like 15, 16 days in a row at the plastics plant, man. There's nothing like, I would work, we were like 15, 16 days in a row at the plastics plant, man. There's nothing like hitting 610

and with an ice cold Michelada drinking and driving. Like 630, the sun setting over the Houston skyline. No radio, because you're just fucking. No radio, because you just worked 15 hours in the fucking hot heat, dude. You can't, and you got the AC on full blast, and you're just drinking, and you got the AC on full blast, and you're just drinking, and you know that if a cop

stops you, you're just going to go 100 miles an hour into the wall. You're just, it's over, I don't care. I'll get the rest of the week off. Yeah, yeah, what the fuck, yeah. I was getting a ride home from my dad's friend, so my dad at the time when he worked there, he had a sober lock device in his Saturn,

and so a lot of times, Saturn. He got my grandma's Saturn, Saturn SUV, the Vue. It was my mom's mom, hated my dad. They're both dead so there's no, you know. Yeah. No animosity now. No animosity there but. What?

What? There he is right there, you got anything to say, you pussy bitch? There he is. Anyway. Yeah. And. Uh, and uh. Clip it. They put the camera on the urn, just the microphone.

That'd be sick. You got anything to say? Knock knock, man. Anyway, we were, he was like, I'm going to get it, my dad would do, he's like, I'm going to get one of these hotels over here by the plant, I'm just going to get fucked up. Maybe smoke some crack.

You want to come? And I'd be like, no, I'm good. He's like, I'll pass. Crack with your dad seems like an adventure, that sense. You know, we did so much crazy shit together. The one rule that we had was that he was like, I think it'd be wrong if we smoked rock together. And I was like, yeah, I think that would be a bad sensible

idea. You made your man. Your man's got some morals there, man. I love that. We would get drunk, smoke weed. We would be high around each other, like, coked out. You old man's got some morals there, man. I love that. We would get drunk, smoke weed, you know, like, fucking, we would be high around each other, like, on, like, coked out, but we never did it together. And every time we would get too squirrely,

we'd be at a bar, we used to go to Scout Bar and watch the fucking, like, dude. Oh, hell yeah. I love Scout Bar, dude. Dude, Scout Bar's the fucking best. You'd go watch, like, an Iron Maiden cover band called The Trooper. I know exactly who you're talking about.

And they're fucking wailing, and you're just highest, you know that this shit stepped on with meth. Yeah. Absolutely, you're a scalp bar. Run to the hills. Run for your lives. And you're fucking, dude, you're drinking an audios motherfucker out of a beer pitcher.

And you're like, dude, I'm going to grow up. I'm going to be a school shooter. Scalp Bear is the Scout Bar is the county fair for just like white boy burnouts. Oh of course. So you like like you ever been called Deicide? No yes yeah yeah yeah. So I love Deicide. I went to go see them there and then the open it they have like four openers right and then we have a friend named Drew Nasik crazy autistic boy. Shout out to the treasure man. Yeah, shout out to the treasure man. But he talking to this girl, and she's kind of,

you ever see like a busted girl, like you tell her she's just kind of horny? Well she's at Scout Bar, yeah. Oh I know. And she looks at me, she looks at me, she's like, you the funny man! Oh no. And I was like, oh fuck.

And then it made the second, the rhythm guitarist of Second Band got all weird because he was like, I'm in this piece all night, and he starts doing this, and I'm like, I don't want no trouble. So the night goes on. I see most of the aside selling. I'm going to walk home. I walked back to my car and then I'm walking and then I see a F one 50 experiencing heavy turbulence. I was like, did the smell in there? That's how you know devil's the devil's real dude. It was that vicious. You see, I saw the fat hand

on the window. I was like no. I was like, ah. My man's having a hard time getting that heart. She can't move in there. The Cookie Monster pajama type. Do Suboxone, ICP, claiming hot Cheeto fingers. Yeah, dude. Oh my god. Just the Cheeto dust on the window, dude.

You're mashing it. You're mashing it. You're mashing it. Dude, the fucking, you'd go to Scout Bar, and I would like, I'll go there with my dad. And I don't know. My dad and I have like, I'll go there with my dad and I don't know, my dad and I have this, I think I get it from him. We would talk about it.

The crack? Yeah. And we're like, we have this thing where it's like, we're magnets for insane, chaotic, mentally ill. What are you talking about? You let us into your home, you fucking idiot. Mistake number one. And we were at Scout Bar one time

watching this band called Days of the New. Big fan. I love that. Dude, Days of the New. Oh, fucking, finally found a reason I don't need an excuse. I got this time on my hands. Yo, I don't want to.

Yeah, dude. Oh! Fucking, we were seeing them and. They're a fucking great band. I love that. They're so good live. He's not dead, but I think he's just in Arizona smoking meth. He's no longer dead. If I ever heard that's a retirement home for fucking night, not 94 fight the buzz. Yeah. The rod and oh yeah. And fucking dude, these like two girls come up and they're like hanging around my dad. And I thought these women were like in their like late 40s early 50s around my dude she's like

we're celebrating my 27th birthday and she had like deep forehead ridges and like rough is 27 that's not that's not sleeping for 20 he was like 85 pounds her friend was every bit of like four hours what's her name got a number got a Instagram file You take the thin one, Pat. All right. I remember my dad was, we were out in the back smoking. I was probably like 16, and he was like, you want the big one or the skinny one?

And I was like, dad, I'm not going to knock down this duo with you. It's not a... Come on, your dad sounds kind of cool. You know what, what's your dad's name? Big Dave, rest in peace. Hey, Big Dave, I would've knocked him down with you, man. I was his son, y'all.

I was with my little crack with your brother. I would've just done a crack, I got in Big Dave and Sc in peace. Hey, Big Dave, I would've knocked him down with you, man. I was a son, y'all. I was a full crack with your brother. I would've just done a crack. I got in Big Dave and Scout Park like, what are you going to do, man? Yeah, yeah. Dude, he would've knocked out these fatties, dude. Look, fuck it, go. He was like, dude, he discovered Tinder like three years before he died. I thought you said he discovered Tinder like he's a pioneer.

He built it, yeah. That's a cracker. Jake, I found this new idea. Give me your phone, give me your phone. Give me your phone, give me your phone, give me your phone. I was in, I moved to Austin and he texted me, he's like, hey man, call me. So I call him and he's like, dude,

I got this thing on my phone where like, you put in like your age and pictures of you and then girls just message you and you can meet them on there. And like usually, not always, but sometimes they'll suck your dick. No, fuck you too. One on there. And usually, not always, but sometimes, they'll suck your dick, and they'll fuck you too. One of you's just like, it's called Craigslist.

Dude, I got this thing called Grindr? Yeah. This little Filipino wore lipstick, but didn't let me see her underwear. Yeah, yeah. Dude, this chick with a mustache was hot as hell, man. I think this girl had balls, but I think. She told me she was Guatemalan,

that's part of her culture But but and so he was like he like clocked on the phone and he was like dad Are you on tinder? He's like that's what it's called. It's called tinder, and I was like the fuck He's like dude. Yeah, yeah, some of these girls are a little younger than me, but like you know I'd like to have a good time. I was like dad Are you meeting like Scout bar threes on tinder? Oh, don't be don Don't be, don't be. Hey, man, this guy was from crack. Yeah. Scout Bar 3 is a tear for Big Dave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucked up, but Scout Bar 3 is a fucking angel. What? Yeah. You're telling her you can take her away from all this? Baby, I can take you away. I can take you right down the road to Bones. Upstairs.

Upstairs. Upstairs. Upstairs. Upstairs. Upstairs. I can take you upstairs. We're going to go to Republic House and get married. Have y'all been to Rep House?

It's in Pasadena. No, we used to do shows at Scotty's Pub on the Bay all the time. Oh, okay. Rep House is like, it's the- I remember Molly's. I go to Molly's all the time. Molly's, I go to Molly's all the time. So Molly's and Rep House-

Every town has a Molly's. What high school did you go to? I went to Neva. I didn't start going out there until I was in junior college. Oh, okay. So Molly's and Rep House are one of those bars where it's like a reunion for the graduating class before you, after you, and the one like, I was 2012, so it'd be like 11, 12, and 13.

It was just everybody from those grades. Right before Thanksgiving, you would go and get fucked up there and like try to get your dick sucked by like a girl who like hated you in high school. Hell yeah, dude. And. Wait, I do that now. Yeah, they come to my shows, dude.

Why? And then I. Bethany. You get to see whose lives are really bad, like who from the National Honor Society got really into painkillers way too late? Well, you know, they'll be gonna be casting stones. You know what I'm saying?

Jake, I heard that you. As somebody of part of the National Honor Society. Yeah, I hear your house has made a straight glass, brother. Yeah, yeah. Catalytic converters and pain. Yeah, yeah. No, dude, that run of bars over there around Scout Bar is just like a complete, this is all Houston trivia

at this point. This is like barely the, but. This is reliving crime scene footage. This is police body cam footage being transcribed. Large handlebar mustache man and Lebanese criminal with lesbian trans women. Yeah. Yeah.

It seems to be a new terror cell, John. Yeah. Yeah, they're calling themselves K-Fabe. That's sick. Dude, K-Fabe, dude, that's a great band name. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that would be a sick, like, we used to do hardcore shit, like, called K-Fabe.

Like a punk metal band then. I was like, I'm telling him, I want to make a, I want to make a grindcore band where it's all stunk old Steve Austin promos. Oh my god, like right before the breakdown? So basically it's like, there's a band called the Alex Jones Prison Planet. And they put his rants over metal, like medical risk.

Dude, this shit fucks so god damn good. Get out of my way, I'm going to drink dark coke. There's one called Neckbeard Death Camp. And it's like all the lyrics, they're making fun of incels nice But all the lyrics are like Want to get my dick suck, but I can't I'm a fucking piece of shit But I don't know it's like it's like frat boy punk kind of like that like in like a little bit What do you make funny in cells where you become an incel? Well, here's my thing. Okay

Sorry, but this is we were, we were doing spots in Chicago, I was like at this bar, I was talking about, I was just like, the greatest wrench in the in cell philosophy is just going outside and seeing a 10 out of 10 stacked, like built like Mewtwo Pog, hanging on the arm in- It's not fucking Mary, you can't be talking like that.

Yeah, hold on man, I'm just about to come, let me finish. Hanging on the arm of like, the line cook named fuckin' Tube. You know what I mean? And she's like, I love him. I'm in love with him, and he's got like, fuckin', he's just got a scar running on the side.

We're still talkin' about Scalpar. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I used to go on the R slash in cell, and I would go and read these guys, and they would post pictures of themselves. These guys are not ugly, right? They just have anti-social personality disorder. And sometimes I would even comment

from a burner account, like, dude, I've worked in kids. I'll suck your dick. Yeah, I'll fuck you. I clean up pretty good. Uh. And uh. And so like.

You can't just smooth past that one, that was a great one. But they fucking, they like, they get so like mad if you tell them that they're not ugly. And I'm like, dude, I've worked in construction and kitchens my whole life. And every time we would go out after like a shift, a really bad like brunch shift, when we got our asses kicked, me and the line cooks, all the other line cooks, we would go out and I would meet their girlfriends and they would be fucking smoke shows. Yeah. Smoke shows. Why do the drug dealers have hot girlfriends? Yeah, why do coke dealers have like hot,

blonde, bombshell girlfriends? Yeah. So if you went on an RNCell, right, and you're like, no guys, we should eat but an ounce. Just flip an ounce of coke. That's it. You know those like motivational speaker entrepreneur guys? Like Gary Vee.

Yes, their whole demographic is incels. I want to be one of those guys. I want to travel around in a Lakinta conference room and be like, all you need to do to get pussy is step on an ounce of Coke 10 times. You want to be Ronald Reagan for the incel community. Yes. You want to introduce crack.

I got to get Coke and ketamine into their hands. Ketamine will get you the most Diabolical it's girls who won't argue with you for eight hours One porn star like she had a cat addiction and now she's like locked in school locked in center. Oh my god Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was pretty hot. I mean that was one that you've jerked off to I know Off to her now, dude. I don't Imagine how hot she is now I feel bad jogging off to her now, dude. I don't. Imagine how hot she is now.

Emily Willis, that's who you're talking about. Emily Willis. I know her name. No. You asked me what the rules were. I got another rule. Do not jack off to girls in comas. No, no.

OK. You goddamn con. You got me. You got me. You goddamn tanky motherfucker. My bad. You fucking fascist. Whoopsie daisy.

I thought blinks were consent. I'm just having fun. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Okay, that was, you did crack with your dad. I didn't do crack with my son. You're not listening. You're not listening.

I said she was locked in. I've been locked in my whole goddamn life, boy. Horse tranquilizer, what? Yeah. You can have too much, what? I was telling Thomas I used to go to this bar in Austin called Coco Club, and it's there Even there Okay, I have an imagination so it's a it's called the coconut club Coco Club for the initiated

It's not a gay bar, but a lot of gay people hang out there one of those yeah, you're there and yeah fucking I Was like really really drunk and really, really, really yacked up. And I like, to my buddy really loud, I was like, is this one of those bars that's not a gay bar, but a lot of gay people hang out in it? And then the bartender heard me and she goes, that is super disrespectful.

How so? Wow, that's an observation. And I was like, no, I was just like, she was like, you're being like really obnoxious right now. And in my head I was like, dude, I'm about to get really obnoxious like right now. Yeah. It's 9 p.m.

You're going to, none of you guys, listen, I'm going to say something really obnoxious right now. No bouncer at this club can beat me up. So I'm going to give you guys the worst evening. Yeah. You're going to have to call the police. Oh, dude, if you just would have been like,

I'm a lesbian. Yeah. It's so funny. I'm a lesbian woman. Yeah. If you just would have flipped that on her, dude. Oh, I would have said,, I'm a lesbian. It's so funny. I'm a lesbian woman. Have you just flipped that on her, dude? Because honestly, she couldn't. I mean, technically, you are right. Play the privilege game.

No, no, no. Jake, if I'm a bartender, I start arguing with you because you're obnoxious, and you tell me you're a lesbian woman, I'm actually being more obnoxious by saying you're not. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, boys?

It's kind of a game. Dude, when I was in a, we were doing a show. That's why I got those pepperonis on my pizza. Oh, yeah, we went to. It's kind of game. Did when I was in a we were doing show. I got less pepperoni's on my pizza Oh, yeah, I went to Valentino's the place. It was awesome. That place is fucking it's so good Yeah, the fucking we were we were doing shows in Portland I didn't I'd never been up there before and that's the one city where Fox News is right. It's they're right about everything Well, you've been to other cities Is right if they're right about everything well even other cities

LA isn't that bad they talk about LA have burned down dude. It's not damn asked right now Dude, Chicago actually like the cleanest fucking play the cleanest city ever been to so yeah the dead bodies on the street fast Paradise I had a buddy of mine on who's like an Andrew Dice like big super fan really yes And he was telling me I didn't know this or I had found out like right before he told me it was a character It was a character. He got stuck doing yeah One of open micers from like Jersey right yeah, and so like he wasn't really this like Obnoxiously crap, I mean you can say that though But once you fucking like sell out Madison Square Garden, then like that became like that

Like even I mean how many Congress in the 90s to is just like yeah, Kinnison's a good example, too We're like he kind of came a character of himself. Yes Yeah, how could you not be the I mean like it's like Bert Kreischer now like how do you get sober if you're Bert Kreischer? What do you do? Yeah, you can't you just lie about working out every day Yeah, dude when he got out when Joe Rogan got him on TRT for six months and it just turned him red Yeah Any muscle mass he was just like beat red because his blood pressure was like 500 dude Exact opposite of a smurf like I feel like Dice is like the proto Sam Hyde

And whereas Sam Hyde pretended to be a Nazi for so long that he became one. You know what I mean? Dice was like, I'm going to be this Guido's racist guy, and then just like every interview after, he would be like, yeah, you know, too many Puerto Ricans on the fucking train. And it's like, come on, buddy, we're don't, you're just an interview.

We're not doing it. And then it's just, oh, that's Dice. Yeah. It's also, I mean, you can also make this argument this argument to for even like Danny McBride a little bit Mm-hmm unless it cuz like I he's based off John rocker John rockers also John rockers was to fight Patrick Mahomes dad I don't that's still gonna happen. I really want them to play cuz John rockers So like he had that he basically had some interview where he's talking shit about New York And he basically said like you're not trying nobody speaking English. No, it's crazy crazy shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's a relief pitcher

Which is so funny. He fucking pitches, was he a relief pitcher? I don't remember, I don't know. But that's just so funny to me. Because I like Danny Bright a lot. But I have the same problem even with like, I got to like Savros as well, but I watched that new movie, Let's Start a Cult. And I was just going, we're going to get sucked up.

We're going to fucking, I'm like, oh, this is Savvy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine, I like it, but as somebody, I consume a lot of your content. Like I have a hard time, like, it's fine. I like it, but I somebody I Consume a lot of your content like I have a hard time like if I watch he's bounding down I can't watch righteous gemstones or vice principles right because you're seeing Kenny Powers. Yeah, and he is Even like in fucking Tropic Thunder and it's a great Fucking scenes of all time, dude. There's that line, what kind of side arm is that?

I don't know what it's called. I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life. Yeah. I don't know what it's called, I just know the sound it makes when it lies. Dude, so I don't know if you guys ever saw this, but there's B-roll that Ben Stiller filmed. You guys know Terrence Howard,

how he has his own type of science, terriology. It's kind of interesting. It's insane schizophrenia. But in my opinion, in my two cents, there's a crack boy. Tell me more. Harry rocker. They fucking so like there was a B roll that Ben Stiller filmed where it's dude, it's Robert Downey Jr. in blackface talking like Terrence. They're in the apartment, right?

And he's there to guide us. I know exactly what he's there to guide us back. I know. Is that when he's doing math on his back? That was awesome. Dude, he's like, everybody think a motherfucker, one plus one equal two, they're wrong as hell. One plus one equal three.

And get the camera on him. And it's just a human man's body in the bathtub with ice on him. I know exactly what you're talking about. And he's drawing on his back, and he's naked. And I'm like, how much Coke was in there? It shot like a snuff film. It is, dude. It is.

And he's got the Vietnam gear on, much coke was it shot like a snuff film it is dude It is and it's like it's he's in the he's got the Vietnam gear on so you know they just got off set Yeah, you can hear Ben Stiller's laugh like in the background. He's like now look. I'm drawing on a dead white boy Any further to how they set that up was so genius yeah, because they had a natural foil for it in the film Yes, of course of course I thought that that was such a topic thunder I mean like I know it gets talked about a ton, but it is so good. It should. Yeah, it was the best comedy movies of all time, dude. I was just telling him I watched The Nice Guys recently,

and I thought that was the funniest comedy movie. That and Tropic Thunder, I always say the last two great comedy movies made. Yeah, man, cause it's just, I don't even know what it is. It's just like the sauce is kind of lost. Everything seems like a parody. Every, I've talked to Tom about this a lot,

where like everything right now, if it's not a superhero movie, it is an A24 movie about a ghost with bipolar disorder. It's very serious. If it's not department of defense funded CIA propaganda, I mean, that's pretty good, though. It is, but it's fun. It's literally like a movie about trauma or depression. Yeah, and it's too heavy handed.

That's why I made the 17. Yeah, what if depression was a ghost? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, no, they were making all the monster movies, like The Invisible Man, The Wolf Man, and it's just like an abusive husband. I thought The Invisible Man ruled. I thought it was a perv.

I didn't like it too much. I thought the way, you don't like women. Man, who side are you on? Mine! Yo, shit. I'm on the man side. Anyway, Big Dave. Big Dave, get way in on this.

We can say salad. Yeah, he just says the N-word. Just hear a ghost. Women are cool. Oh yeah, you go to the bathroom? Go down to the hallway and take a left, and then another left. Man, my mic was never even plugged in.

You wasted, son of a bitch. Yeah, that was right. Oh, okay, I was like, was it not? Fuck, that would suck. That would've been hilarious. That would've been so funny. I would've never heard the end of it. The way home, that motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. No, I

Left yeah left you change your filters man. I'm changing your filter ball I just did like six months ago probably fucking change it again. Yeah dog shit. Anyway, I get what you're saying It's rare that you see a fucking really, you know what the best time I had the movies in a long time I saw Dune 2 last year. Yeah, that's good. Dune 2 was so awesome. You liked it? I saw a heretic and that was the first movie I thought I saw. Heretic. That's the one where Hugh Grant plays the atheist. He lures those two Mormon girls into his house Oh, was that 824 movie too? No, it was uh A couple months ago didn't it? Yes it did me and my wife watched it

So I don't think it was 824, but it was a similar one of those It's boutique horror kind of shit. Well, yeah, kind of. But they say elevated horror, which I think is a fucking jerk off term. It is. Did you ever see The House That Jack Built? I did. It's very similar to that. So it's kind of heady philosophy-y, but it's also a horror movie.

And I feel that movie got shit on a lot, too. I love that. It's a lot of violence against women, which I understand. But it was also a character. If you're doing a character piece on a goddamn serial killer, I don't want it to have a happy ending. I say, all right, I came here to see some fucked up shit, show us some fucked up shit.

And even like, the thing is too, even when they make, I like that movie The Dirt, a lot about Motley Crue. I'm like, that should have been fucking eight episodes long. They made six episodes about the goddamn sex tape. Like dude, fucking Vince Neil killed a guy driving Trump. And that's a fucking two, a gloss over that. So one of the guys from that band, Faster Pussycat, apparently like a week ago he was on a cruise with his lady

and they had an argument and she fell off the balcony. Wonder what happened. So now it's a true crime podcast. Yeah, yeah. The three white boys, true crime podcast. It's called K-Fape. Yeah, yeah. The three white boys, True Crime Podcast. It's called K-Fame. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know, dude.

I think it's a conversation that very easily becomes super annoying when a bunch of comedians are like, nothing's funny anymore. But I do think that the industry doesn't... Either when a comedy movie gets made it's either trying to be the first funny movie and then it's not funny because it's trying way too hard it's it's forced a little bit yeah but I also think part of it is too it's like as far as movies go like I think one of the best inscriptions of that is like hey the premise of it is kind of what draws me in right yeah yeah And then a lot of it's like, even Let's Start a Cult, I like that premise.

And it's just more kind of my own thing, because I consume a lot of savvy content. It's not a bad film. I didn't finish it, right? But it's like that premise kind of gets you in. And I don't know, man. We're all going to die. One of the last good comedy movies I saw,

I don't know how I ended up watching it. It's the one with John Cena and Leslie Mann. Oh, he's a good actor, man. He's a good actor. It's called Blockers, but it's like Cock Blockers. Yeah, they changed the name. It's about these three parents who are just stressing out about their kids going to prom. It doesn't feel forced at all.

It's honestly very sweet. There's a lot of sweet sentimental moments that they had, like genuine moments with their kids going to prom, and it doesn't feel forced at all. It's just like, and it's honestly very sweet. There's a lot of sweet, sentimental moments that they had like genuine moments with their kids. Like dude, fucking John Cena just fucking butt chugging a beer, dude. Like dude, that shit was like fucking hilarious. My favorite thing about John Cena being a wrestler and also being like an incredibly articulate

and intelligent man is that he's been dressing, Vince McMahon has had him dressing like a nine year old wigger for 30 years. Dude, big ass jean shorts, backwards hat, like we're all around the same age. The kid in elementary school that dressed like that was also the kid that called his white teacher the N-word. So I'm like, okay, Triple H was like, what was he before he was Triple H?

He was like the blue blood. He was like, he was this like kind of rich, this is a question. That's a Patrick question. Patrick question, but they never changed Cena's gimmick, which was he is a huge swole wigger. That's what he is. Yeah, yeah.

Which is an incredible thing. Hell yeah. And now you watch interviews of them, he speaks like perfect Mandarin. He's like a big car guy too, where he knows about engines and internal combustion and all this stuff. And then you see him on the fucking WWE screen

and he's like, I motherfucker don't know. And you're like, oh. Yeah, hustle loyalty respect. Hustle loyalty. Oh, Patrick, you'll love this, dude. So Eddie Guerrero, rest in peace. My aunt, my great aunt actually, every Thanksgiving she would drink three bottles

of fucking gas station yellowtail cabernet. Hell yeah. And then she would proceed to tell all of us that she used to suck Eddie Guerrero's dick. Viva la Raza. Hey, that was such a good fucking rap. What? What?

Sorry. I can't let that one go. That's really funny. So just to come sit back down here. So he's the guy who, one of the best guys I ever saw is 2002, No Way Out. It's when he beat Rob Lesnar for the championship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's WrestleMania 20 where at the end of the show they ended with Chris Bimbaugh

and Eddie Guerrero as like whole, against their big triumphant moment because they like their whole lives They were always like the guys who were like undersized with like the best workers Uh-huh and which is wild. I mean, I don't know about this shit gets me kind of sentimental Yeah, I love shit like that man. It was like I don't know it's being a comic too Which is like oh these guys were like the best comics and they finally got recognized in the biggest stage dude, it was I liked Eddie Guerrero, because I was, I stopped watching right after the Attitude Era, but I was obsessed with WWE and ECW.

Like I had all of, do you remember the, the camera just died, that's the end of the episode. Good. Bye.