Pendejo Time - dont hurt youself

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

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Welcome, welcome to the fucking welcome welcome to spooky land Thomas welcome to the spooky house AHHHHH I'm scared help me let me out Prepare to be torn asunder Let me out of here Big demon no you can't leave here I'm gonna turn you into a fucking swiss cheese

I'd love to leave! No I gotta make sure the demons are talking to you The demons are talking to you, Dom So what are they making you think? What are they making you do? They sound like snakes No, they're evil ass motherfuckers

They're in a scary ass house. Ah, there's whistling. Now I'm gonna all fuck you unless you give me fifty dollars. There's snakes and they're singing. Welcome to the Italian Demon House. My name is Joey Demon. Wait. Yeah, you hear that? That's the sound of a hundred dead Italian motherfuckers about to fuck your ass. Oh god, it sounds like fish. Guys, he's not getting scared.

Sounds like a mean fish. I hate this. I don't know what to do, guys. I hate eating mean fish. He's not getting spooked. Let me try a different set of demons demons go Right this windy in here We tried all the demons it sounds like a flash drive Guys he's not scared of us. Well I guess there's nothing left for me to do but to give you a beautiful...

I'm scared again. I'm gonna give you a kiss. That's right, well, I'll be, that's fine. I'm gonna give you another kiss. There it is. Yeah, I'm gonna kiss your penis. Now I'm gonna kiss your balls. Sorry guys, that's, you know, not a family show.

Now I'm gonna kiss your butt cheeks. Yes sir, those are good. Now I'm gonna kiss your balls once again. They don't like it when I kiss your balls. Okay. No, you can leave now. Yeah, it's fine. It's sorry, sorry. I was just trying to... They don't like it when I kiss you boy. Okay. No, you can leave now. Yeah, it's fine. It's sorry.

Sorry. I was just trying to... I was trying to possess you with a sexual demon and then get all the demons to watch you be turned into a... No, please don't kiss my balls again! Ahhhh! Please stop! The crowd can't stand you, man.

I don't know. I wish you would kiss on my big balls my friend my friend you could so you could give him a time tiny little Tim suck my tiny little Tim hey Merry Christmas suck my tiny little Tim Hey, yeah, thanks guys No, no, no, it's cool. Yeah. Thank you That was Thomas's joke. That was Thomas's joke. That was not mine That was all Thomas he was all in it from the start Fuck yeah, what you been up to today did What did I do today? You're work?

I went to work and then I picked up laundry and then I went and you got Parts so we could record this with actual audio and so me Fucking everything up again. That's okay. Then we had a meeting and then I Drank a seltzy I got some of those spin drift. Oh nice. Those are like a dude. Oh Spiked nice. Yeah, I think I like them better not spiked Yeah, I could see how maybe they're pretty tasty if there's alcohol in them it's a little dangerous well I think it would be good if it was like

vodka but it's like the shitty malt liquor oh yeah no no bueno yucky so I think feels like high noon's I think that yeah, yeah, I mean, but nobody gives a fuck about what I think Yeah, that's that's 100% that's true. Yeah, you know that's straight facts Yeah, so yeah, yeah Also, I wanted to set the record straight on something Yeah, go for it earlier today. You tweeted about nutria rats in Texas, which is correct. They are everywhere. Uh Beavers are also in most of tech. Yeah, buddy told me he's like a conservationist guy, but I didn't he went to Only I didn't want I wasn't trying to publicly own you so I figured it'd be better to bring it up in a

Face to face conversation like this. Yeah. Yeah, right. So it wouldn't seem like actually actually Actually, there are beavers and they're located all across the United States. I didn't know I could be noted by their flat tails Then you can differentiate them for a lot of rodents by their flat tails and their large buck teeth and their love for building dams. You know my buddy was like, dude the San Marcos River right by you has like so many beavers and I was like, I go by the motherfucker every day to do my doomer walk or whatever the fuck and uh, that's so gay I can't believe I said that I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Guys it's been a good run and I think mostly this is it for me. And that's so gay, I can't believe I said that. I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Guys, it's been a good run, and I think mostly this is it for me. I said something really, I say stupid, but why does this have lyrics? I taste the dirt as I hit the ground. Is this a royalty free song? It is, but it has lyrics. Yeah, I think so. Did you know how much you got to not believe in

your own music to make it royalty free with upload it to a rule yeah that's crazy god damn it I'm pissed cuz that was a good-ass song hold on oh it's got the I uploaded it with the motherfucking here let's try one more time yeah I didn't know that Beavers were here I thought I'm stupid. I thought Beavers were a love in like the Pacific. Okay, you don't see them all over, you know But my buddy was like, yeah, there are times they're kind of you know, and away And then another buddy in our group chat was like yeah I was my job when I worked for Parks and Rec to destroy their dams with fucking steers skid steers Yeah, we're like bulldozers or whatever and I was like like it's fucked up man. Like why was that your job?

I didn't even know that he was like no we're like supposed to do that like fucks with the river flow And I was like yeah, but like that seems evil You know what? I mean? Like those guys are genetically primed to do that and you take a machine fucking crafted by the devil essentially like by human hands, with a human mind, that's only built to destroy. And you fucking break that motherfucker's code, his genetic code, you know what I mean? You like take everything from him. Anyway, as promised, I said, doomer walk.

Which is fucking, I'm a 30 year old man, I can't be saying stuff like that. It's just straight up I can't I can't and and honestly when it came out of my mouth I realize that I had to kill myself so Thomas if you'll join me in this song I'm gonna sing this song with this episode, then I'm gonna go kill myself. What do you think about that Thomas? I like that Okay, cool. I love my life and I love my friends

And I love my dog and I love my house But I don't love when I say things It really make me upset So I'm gonna kill myself Hey everybody, thanks for coming out tonight This is my last show, I'm gonna fucking shoot myself Cause I don't like it when I say stuff I hate the sound of my own voice I hate the sound of the way that I talk I'm a simple country man and I'd like to go for a walk over

through the bridge where I hang myself off of it cuz I say things that I don't mean I say gay shit like do my walk and fucking I'm loitering I own a 94 can't say stuff like that. I need to learn how to get my taxes done quick. I should be looking at mortgages and stuff and not going to open mics. I should be cleaning my car and I should be bouncing my stunna off of my knees. But I don't even think that I can have kids So I will kill myself

So kill himself Take it from the bridge Everybody wants to be a normal ass guy And have an H&R Block accountant A dog, one of those tools you get from Walmart that you can inflate You wanna have a Chevy Duramax But I don't got any of that All that I got

Is Couple old pairs of boots And this ear coat 45 I put it in my mouth and I pulled the trigger and it clicks I tried again and I realized I'd gotten the Z-Man hit But that's okay 3 times 1 it's called Ingenuity and resistance because I'm white I don't have enough phone trying to kill myself

And that's on phone then I'll never give up on trying to kill myself And that's on Phonem And that's on Phonem Phonem Yeah, that song is called I'm gonna kill myself By Dirk Diggler in the douchey. I would love to make a rebuttal showing you how to not kill yourself Would you like to your own song about what why life is worth living? Yes, okay, would you like the same audience who may be struggling I can Would you like the same song or would you like something a little bit more upbeat? You can give me whatever you want, I don't really give a shit.

Okay brother. But let's do a different beat. This goes out to all those people out there that's killing themselves. Stop. When you're thinking about killing yourself in your yard, or maybe in your car, or maybe at your work, or at your mom's house, don't kill yourself. Do something instead, like drink a red bull, or dig a hole, or raise aal or raise a foal glass of milk up to Santa you drink it with him like it was a glass of Fanta now you're riding in his great big sleigh now you're having a Santa day with all the reindeer where's Rudolph

with the red nose and the red toes and you're kissing all over him yeah and you're flying like Wolverine yeah he's a blue Muppet he's from Sesame Street Mr. Me-hee Hee-hee that's how you're laughing tall neck

now you're giraffe-ing don't kill yourself don't kill yourself stupid ass boy don't go killing yourself. Dumb ass boy stop killing yourself. Killing yourself in the car. You've been killing yourself on a bridge. You've been killing yourself in the fridge.

You've been killing yourself where you live. I heard you hanged yourself in a Toyota Corolla. Boy how the hell you done that? Stop killing yourself. Hey bitch stop killing yourself. Stop killing yourself. Stop killing yourself. I heard you hanged yourself in a Toyota Corolla. Boy, how the hell you done that? Stop killing yourself. Hey, bitch stop killing yourself. If you a down-ass bitch stop killing yourself. If you a bitch with some pussy stop killing yourself. If you a guy with a car stop killing yourself.

If you a dude with a suit stop killing yourself. If you a guy with a suit stop killing yourself you guy with some shoes stop killing yourself If you a dog with a loose stop killing yourself if you would have house with a roof stop killing yourself If you shoes stop killing yourself. I Think honestly those two tracks Perfect perfectly artistically and that way people who got brought down got brought back up to a nice happy medium 100% yeah absolutely 100% correct on that wow what did you guys think about that thank you guys yeah I think this line on that was probably if you're a dog with a oh wait I on that was probably if you're a dog with a loose stop killing yourself.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're trying to cover all your bases. Yeah, yeah, it's not, it's not bad. Yeah, if you're a dog with a loose stop killing yourself. Did you download something called infiltration? What is that? I think you downloaded that. Oh yeah, I did download that. Did you download something called infiltration? What is it? I think you downloaded that. Oh, yeah, I did download that Yeah, and it started with a capital n I thought that was weird

Welcome to Looking for a new watch? I'm just kidding. I got this watch from hell. It looks really nice. Every time I put it on I get evil. I start having evil thoughts like pulling on stuff and fucking chewing on the base of what's in my apartment. This watch made me evil.

The red and black watch of evil. It has a spider... And an evil number. 666. And it's made by... Slaves overseas. Super evil labor practices. These watches are made 100% by child slave laborers. 100% real slaves.

This isn't one of those pussy watches made from union workers that have health insurance. We use 100% child soldier slaves to make these evil watches. This watch was made by a guy that was zero and red and evil with black secret nails resource only the most evil babies to slave away watch the evil watch that kills people available now at TJ Max Ross Marshall's home goods and all TJ X affiliates that's awesome yeah I would I would definitely not a TJX affiliate my apologies That's fine. I didn't even know that TJ what TJX was I guess it's the parent TJX is the parent company Marshalls TJ Maxx home goods And there might be another one, but I used to work for TJ Maxx. So I know that oh

Very cool TJ X rewards credit card that I used to get people TJ Maxx so I know that. Oh very cool. It's a TJX rewards credit card that I used to get people to sign up for worked at all of them. Nice. That's cool man. It had like a really high APR and I used to trick immigrant moms into doing it for it because I was a high schooler and I didn't really fully realize that I was I just I didn't even get a bonus for it. I just We just slang and bullshit to people who do be up the ranks of cashiers. Yeah Anyway, ah my best work, but

Yeah, you Sorry my headphones came was how was your day? It was pretty good. I was gonna say Do when I worked at Joe's crab shack they had this fucking thing called a Landry's card And it was owned by Landry's with like the seafood restaurant company. I think they have some casinos, too and They kept track of how many you sold to people And if you didn't sell any You would get like bad like table sections and all my life as a server

I live by the philosophy of like I don't Care about making the company any money. I don't want to I don't want to make the restaurant money. I Want to make myself money? So for example, we're gonna Joe's crab check. I Tell people don't get the goddamn king crab bucket because it's frozen as fuck and it comes over here on truck and it all stinks like fucking a horse piss and It same goes for any restaurant if somebody if there's like, oh you should push this thing it's a high dollar item and somebody asked me how it is My philosophy always was this thing fucking sucks. Don't buy this and The customer usually would be like, oh, thank you for telling me

but I've gotten in trouble for before and for not hawking the credit cards and stuff and all those things and the Landry's cards and stuff because Like my manager back why didn't you sell any Landry's cards or why don't you sell any crab buckets? And I was like, I don't care about the card and the crab here sucks You should call it like Joe's food check. This should not be fucking The crab here's butt balls. It's ass cheeks Anyway for the moral of story is I'm not really good at waiting tables

and I guess in the sense that I like don't really try to like do the job normally I don't like I don't upsell people people yeah that's exactly what people I think you are good at waiting tables I think you just have bad management oh yeah I think if I get you back in the game at my new restaurant Thomas's elegant it's Japanese and Italian foods it'll be the first five-star Michelin restaurant in New York City what we're gonna have is we're gonna have a type of Japanese spaghetti that has pieces of sushi in it and it's gonna be tomato sauce and

meatballs and also pieces of fucking sushi and shit in there. Old sushi that we didn't feel like throwing out from the day before and we're gonna sue room temperature with five boiled eggs you still have to crack the eggs and it comes with six glasses of water and two glasses of Buffalo sauce Yes, awesome, and it comes with an extra fork that you can take home if you want That's nice, and it's and it's only ten bucks Dude, that is a french fries too. That's a crazy deal. It's a crazy deal and it's located in Times Square. Damn. How are you? I'm gonna buy where the M&M store is right now and I'm gonna turn it into Thomas's

fine Japanese and Italian foods. Very very awesome. I can see the crowd right now. All the people that want to go to Krispy Kreme and all those awesome places in Times Square now. They can also go to Another family household name Thomas's fine Italian and Japanese foods With stuff like tomato sushi pizza sushi pepperoni sushi mmm get out go to get on Hank I love you boys on your ramen it's regular lasagna with a bunch of broth poured on top ooh yummy I like that yeah and my tummy horny and American cheese floating on top of the broth. Oh Wow

Liza with old with old with old pieces of sushi thrown on top. Oh my god my mouth Yeah, I just heard a crumblet over the top like parsley. Oh, wow, dude. Yeah, and it's gonna be $8 Lose on your ramen two glasses of milk lasagna ramen with a slice of a pack of American cheese with dried old pieces of sushi on it and two whole glasses of milk. Oh Yeah, and six boiled eggs You keep sweetening this motherfucker. Yeah, this is gonna be really good and you're gonna be super full by the time you're done yeah I don't know if I'm here every day yeah they're gonna get any family style and just order one dish into one person can

have three of the boiled eggs another person you have the other three third person can have the old pieces of sushi a fourth can have the broth, a fifth can have the slice of American cheese, a sixth can have the lasagna. That's so awesome dude. And six people fed for eight dollars. It's delicious. That's less than two dollars per person. That's incredible.

What would your restaurant be called? Jake's Extravagant Amazing Millionaires? Food? restaurant be called? Jake's extravagant amazing millionaires food? uh yeah well find dining with Jacob and company? I think I would probably call it La Diner and it would be a Sorry, I'm listening to redneck sounds um it would be called lot dinner and the whole point of what dinner would be basically You it's like one of those like French places where you get ten courses

But it's like avant-garde food. So I'm I'm deconstructing like sandwiches, so I'll bring you like a whole bushel of wheat with like a Pair of cow titties on it and you're like what the fuck is this is a bushel of wheat with a pair It does member to others on it and I go that's actually going to be Bread and milk, which would become cheese. And they would go something like, so this is a deconstructed proto-grilled cheese.

And I go, okay, well what's the second one? And I would give them, just like a cow that's recently had a huge hole punched in its head. And I'd be like, this is the main course. This is called steak, and it's spelled S-T-E with a umlaut and then a K. And they're like, this is just main course this is called steak and it's spelled STI with a umlaut and then a K and they're like this is just a dying animal I'm like actually this is a tomahawk this is sirloin this is tenderloin this is rib loin this is leg loin and I don't get it and I'm like this is what would later

this is proto steak you know I'm saying like I'm trying to get really weird with it yeah and then after the cow kind of bleeds a bunch on the table It ruins everybody's appetite then it's time for dessert. I'm bringing out Deeds to a sugar plantation that they get this this is how I get him to come back deeds to a sugar plantation that the customer actually owns now When they signed up for their waiting list, they signed the contract to take over this horrifically ran violent sugar plantation. Now Jake, where are you getting sugar plantations in 2024? Don't worry about it. This is from

the secret source. That's dessert. They're like, well I don't want to hold this. This is morally disgusting. I don't want to be involved in this. I say this is dessert, just desserts. Bittersweet ain't it and they're like You see what I'm saying and they're like, I don't want to be part of this I'm like now you're covered in cow blood You just ate a bushel of wheat and you own a bunch of people get the fuck out of here, dude This is two year long waiting list the whole process takes 17 hours and costs everybody $5,000 I like that and that's how you keep making money. la denier yeah five bands is a lot of cheesy yeah it is

we're only gonna we're only gonna have really classy music in there we're gonna only have the most classy fancy types of sounds La Denere, I'm gonna help you. Hello, I'd like to make a reservation for two. At La Denere? Yes. Okay, what time? Basically anywhere between like 7 and 8 30 is good if you have anything indoors. Yeah we've got we've got our lovers coral section it's a La Quinta Inn and you and the theme of the night is you have a fight

so bad that the relationship ends and one is you have a fight so bad that the relationship ends and one of you calls an uber home okay what what time would you have an availability for that 807 not a second sooner or later is are there any other spaces oh please Yeah, 807 is available in the relationship is over section of la dener. Okay, I can put you guys down. Any earlier availability? Between 7 and 830? Let me check.

Hold please. No. Let me check. Hold please. No, it's just 807. It is within the time frame, sir, that you gave. So I figured that would be pretty good. Right. Well, I do want to support black owned businesses. Let's go ahead and make the reservation. Awesome.

Thank you so much for that. Just one minute. Quiet down out there. Shut up. Sorry. Awesome. Thank you so much for that. Just one minute Sorry, sometimes like the crowd that didn't that the guests get a little antsy and I have to write Put a little bit more fentanyl vapor into the air vent So eight oh seven in the lovers coral section What should what name should I put down for this just Thomas okay perfect but we white Thomas white Thomas wait okay got you okay who is this a

special occasion do I need to set out any landmines or do I need to poison you guys's waters no this is just a it's kind of it is kind of special it's our it's our Doxen's birthday. Oh that's so nice wow you guys really go out with this obviously he'll be having a big doggy cupcake at home. Hold please. It's the same, not the same old music as before. Yeah that works for me. Doxon's birthday, 807, Thomas White. Who's the other person in your party? That's not really how reservations work.

It is at La Denere, I gotta know who's gonna be here. We gotta customize it fully to your experience. I need to know everything about you guys. It is at La Denere. I got to know who's going to be here. We got to customize it fully to your experience. I need to know everything about you guys. This is only the beginning. You have the next hour to tell me your social security number. Who molested you? How bad was it? Was it just a touch or were they sucking on it a little bit?

How bad was it? Was it more than one time? Did it only happen one time? Did your parents do anything about it? Or they sweep it under the rug? Did anybody else get involved? Was it a family member? Was it a stranger? And then we're going did anybody else get involved, was it a family member, was it a stranger? And then we're going to move on to like how was high school

for you? Did you get a lot of pussy or did you think about killing yourself all day? And then once we're there we can kind of curate the experience for you a little bit more. But we need to start with the name of the other person. Yeah, you're going to have to give me that. Yeah. It should be under Harry Mary. Harry Mary. Okay, it's not gonna be well, if it is under Harry Mary, and he made a reservation as well, that would be a conflict of interest, and we would have to execute both of you immediately upon inters should be under Thomas White, but

the guest should be under Harry Mary. Okay. Harry Mary. Uh, perfect. Okay. I'd like to make a guest reservation for Harry Mary and a main guy reservation for Thomas white, uh, and an absentee reservation for Demi the dox. Let me check if we do that. Oh, please. He's going to have, he's going to be having a pop cake at home. We do pop cakes instead of cupcakes

And that's basically where we do a big dollop of whipped cream. We put it on a sausage for Demi Sir when I play the whole music, please stop speaking named after Demi Lovato You okay, so we have Demi the Dox and and then we have Harry Mary and then we have Demi the Dox and then we have Harry Mary and then we have Demi the Dox and won't be present. I was just telling you about Demi, whose birthday we're celebrating. Okay. How old is he? With an amazing dinner. He'll be one. Oh wow. That's great. That's amazing. Yeah. Okay. Well we, Yeah, I'll hold.

Even though you're on hold, I have something to tell you. I love your restaurant. And despite your best efforts, every time you try and drive me away, I just want to come back even more. Last time when I came to this restaurant, I got fucked and killed in the bathroom. And I loved it. And the food, I had macaroni and sauce. And it was amazing. And you put pieces of grain on top.

It tasted fantastic. You put pieces of green on top it's his it fantastic In the water here, I love the ice That will be all Yeah, so we can absolutely make all that work for you at 807 prompt at La Denier Celebrating Demi D'Adox and one year old birthday with Thomas White and Harry Mary in a lovers quarrel booth. But please make sure to bring a passport. Please make sure to bring a vaccination, proof of vaccination of tuberculosis, PCV, and measles. And then also bring at least a gallon of water into electrolyte packs. That is required for the full La Dener experience. Oh and also

I'm going to need a copy of your fingerprints. Okay, no problem at all. I'll stamp them out before I burn them off. Awesome, thank you. Thanks for eating at Laudanere. So basically the way that we do this at the end is we like to get a little survey. How was your meat? My meat was rancid. Perfect. That's exactly how we like to serve it. How was your brown?

My brown was Pasty Delicious I'll let the chef know that your brown was pasty. How was your leg? My leg was dirty Sorry to hear that we try to source the best leg, but sometimes it's not does it come out the way we want to how was your liquid my liquid was black perfect we always shoot for the blackest liquid here at La Denera owned by Jake Rhodes so we've got a pasty Brown we've got meat we've got black lyrids at me we've got rancid me okay yeah sorry sorry sorry I'm new here they just need to stole me just a joke just a

joke just a guest just a guest it's my first day too Sorry, somebody just pulled their penis out in the crowd at the dinner. Thank you so much for coming to La Denere. I hope you had a good experience. As part of our concierge service, someone will be coming to your home to take all of your toes and put them in a bag. Oh, that sounds perfect. ["All Year Long"] Yeah.

All year long. Oh, yeah. Sometimes, you say you're only gonna have six beers. Sometimes, you have a little bit more than six beers. Sometimes you have fifteen beers and you go to pay your bar tab. You see that beer costs eleven dollars again. I'm gonna kill everybody in this bar with my big gun Yeah! I'm gonna handshake with you, bartender

Even though you're black, I'm gonna handshake with you Because why is this here $11 for a car? Dick on the hill when you go home When you go to the bathroom I'm in the air pulling it out and pulling it in and pushing it back in pulling it in and pushing it back in so when I'm in the car you go this is my Japanese brother sing it I

I Hello and Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo He got eaten by a big-ass pig and then I saved him and brought it back to life. Now it lives in my house and he can't read no more. But that's my Japanese brother. Respect him. Respect him and his Japanese eyes and his Japanese lies. Oh It's a new drunk uncle song called Japanese brother I'm a Japanese brother. Yeah, we should do an album called that. Yeah, Japanese brother

Did I get anything else? What was I looking for? What kind of music you listen to listen to? You want to listen to something? Let's just do some fucking rap. That's what we were fucking born to do. We could do some country, we could do some jazz. We could do some crazy type-ish. Yeah, I'm down to do some crazy-ish. I haven't really done any crazy-ish in a while. I mostly live in a tame life. I've been so fucking busy hanging out with Kyson that all day. Oh, dude, I gotta... I've been so fucking busy hanging out with Kyson that all day. Oh

Did I go show me it's like he let me ride in the lamp truck earlier with Kai oh nice yeah It was actually kind of why y'all He just let you see miles Morales was on there. Oh my god. That's crazy. Yeah Yeah, and he was rinsing up ice spice What? Yeah, but he had no game Was baby grok there? Yeah, he but he was he was busy looking at a Giat. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I read all different types of books. Cat in the hat, hungry caterpillar, red fish, blue fish, you fish.

Popping off very apocalyptic lines. Welcome to Pandego time. Watching how I rhyme. That's how all those guys stuff yeah It was asthmatic. Oh, he's spinning hard asthmatic. Oh There's jazz and don't need a fresh car. Just listen to the words my bars Just listen to the way that I rhyme Don't need to call you water slime

Listen to the way that I rhyme don't need to call you butter slime Put down the guns Put down the guns Put down the guns black boy Pick up the gun put down the guns pick up a book and pick down the guns Put up a book and pick down the guns Read about putting down the guns in the streets you could put down the guns we need to start loving each other just like you my brother put down the guns and pick up a book have a look you don't gotta be a crook and that's

all game that's our game fam welcome to the idea of the pop hour yeah it's okay to wear glasses like the deep producer tech beginning it's okay to wear glasses it's okay to wear glasses. It makes you look smarter. It makes you look like you work way harder. And if somebody calls you four eyes, say, yeah, but I got a third eye. Yeah, that's called the brain. The grades are gonna change when we start looking at the dictionary. Yeah. gonna change when we start looking at the dictionary yeah it's kind of scary

to think about the books that you could read in a day man this these dude these I've got dude. There's so many of these Oh my god This is selling hip-hop dude, what the fuck one moment. Oh my god, this sounds like fucking blues clues What the fuck is the file called Yeah, oh yeah, it's called jazz hip-hop Here you go thomas I need you to lay down like something that's really going to change the world on this You're a better rapper than me and I I we already have a song called change the world But I feel like you put so much heart into that and the world didn't listen to you The world didn't listen to me. In fact fact pretty much nobody listened to me on that one

Yeah, absolutely nobody happened right after and y'all were talking down on me for it Mm-hmm. Yeah, nothing changed at all. Word actually got worse somehow. So Just just maybe just give it your best shot, you know. Alright, I'll see what I can do. It's breaking my heart to see these books getting burned It's breaking my heart to see these kids I was walking down the street and I was looking at kids And I saw one explode and that shit made me cry That made me cry all over my hat It made me go take a big great long nap

It made me say, hey, what can we do to save all these kids from these dudes they come and they grab them with their red hands and their red bodies and they're ten feet tall and they like to bite them in the back of the neck creating a portal for all the demons to escape into yeah and then ten men jump into then there's a big crew and they expand the jaw by then they extract all the knowledge from the kids exterior and then they create the next extra skin to collect that on me when I walk by looking at my phone then they tap into it see what I got on there they see what color they see what colors are on my

Instagram and they create a big diagram that puts chips and stuff into my blood And it makes me jump around extra fast Then I go and I put a little bit extra gas in my car and it explodes because there's sugar in there that the government put in there I'm the black Harvey milk of this shit Bust milk in my shit. Yeah, bus milking my shit yeah straight milking my shit straight milking my shit I read a lot of books so I milk all the shit milk all the shit of the books

milk all the shit out of the books milk all the shit out of the books straight milking all the shit I'm just a backup singer you can keep rapping it's fine There's a fine line like the difference between Einstein and Weinstein Each one is mighty fine I spent 90 dimes on reading books to flip all the chips in my brain to create them into a defense mechanism against the government

That once it put me into prison for believing in aliens and believing that I can create a society that protects children from All the people trying to kill them and put flames until their bodies and expose them from the inside with the men riding leaps Continental trying to give me the win And they try and cut my legs up and then they try to put scabs all over my neck where I know I don't have scabs then I go back to Baghdad where I used to live as a sheep when I used to be led by my shepherd

Thank you opportunity to NPR's intellectual hip-hop power that was skit-so-shawnee or the shawnee that Native American tribes that was skitolectable skit- That was Schizo-Shawnee. Oh, the Shawnee Native American tribe. That was Schizo-electable. Schizo- Check out my new book, Schizo-electable Entwire. Yeah, check that shit out.

Check out my new book on politics, Schizo-electable Entwire. Check out my new political deep state dive. Check out my new parapolitics deep state dive. The government is trying to frame Africa Bambada for creating real hip-hop. Yeah, they found a fucking nuclear reactor in Africa and they're trying to silence it. They're trying to silence it. But we got all the right hip hop beats to get the truth out. Oh my God. What if I told you that the original coding language was Swahili?

What? The original computer was coded in Swahili. All starting to make sense now doesn't it? Uh huh. But y'all ain't listening. Y'all ain't listening to the sounds of a real ass motherfucker from the south with a heart of gold and money to spend. Your whole life you've been deaf to it, deaf to it, to it blind to it the wolves been pulled over your fucking eyes and Nobody could pull it off, but here's the truth. I Don't speak nothing but real shit if you ever think it's lies and ain't I'm no probably the last real motherfucker left-sized Thomas just us two see if I just do it a whole lot of you Yep, that's right. I thought you're gonna say something else, but that's okay

Me I I didn't know what I was gonna say and then I just wanted to do the rhyme and I said not that Yeah I mean it might be the perfect time who fucking knows you know what I mean might be the right time might be the right time Start telling some hard truths about the world might be a time to pivot We got people doing that no we got to make real money and the only way you do that is full right wing turn and that's why I have the Nazi jazz hip hop hour starring, you guessed it, the most racist guy in the world, Thomas White, lay it down for a while.

["Forgiveness"] What's this one about again? It's actually about forgiveness. I don't know. You go ahead. Nah, I don't got anything off the top of the dome I'm trying to think about what be a good topic I kind of dug myself a hole I don't want to sing our Nazi rap song I don't even want to be anything part of that again you know I said that was about the killer a Nazi Just kidding, I'm not You hate Hitler baby He's a piece of crap If I met Hitler I would steal his lunch And knock off his fitted cap

I met Hitler at the gas station He had a new era fitted cap And he had a swastika on it I said I didn't know new era made those he said they did he had a cool ass mustache and a Nazi windbreaker and Jordan force but instead of the Jordan logo it was a red swastika and then he had on a Nike shorts but instead of the Nike it was two swooshes to make a swastika or maybe four swooshes I haven't tried to make that before probably a Whibler and I'm not take a ball and I stole his we I stole Hitler's we you know hello was racist cuz he did every drug except we did he didn't want to try that shit black what if he's smoking weed and started popping off crazy jump shots

Hitler should have played baller because he knew how to hoop. Didn't have to do the Holocaust. You didn't have to do it. That's why he was a crazy shooter, cause he didn't have a ball hand like that. That was an amazing song man. What was that song called? I Hate You Hitler. Oh, okay. Yeah. I know. I Hate You Hitler. Yeah, just keep it. Young Dolph Hitler.

Young Dolph Hitler. Young Dolph Hitler. You know what? Young Dolph's name was Adolf. Really? Yeah, his first name was Adolf. But it was spelled with a P-H. I thought Hitler's was also... Hitler's was a staff. Or am I stupid? I wasn't.

But, I mean, just because Hitler's German. Oh yeah, Germans don't got the pH I'm an idiot Hitler Most people don't know this, but he was German Googling Adolf Hitler on the work computer Adolf Hitler on the work computer Googling Adolf Hitler on the work It's not against the rules everybody should know about him. He was a real stinker Not against the rules to Google Adolf Hitler on the work laptop Everybody knows that he was as long as you get sad when you Google it

Yeah, if you Google Adolf Hitler on your work computer, and you also get a frowny face at the end Yeah, you know if you learn bad. How bad was he? Yeah, how was he really that bad level of badness of Hitler? Yeah, dude not Yeah, anyway Apparently the most recent school here was loved Hitler And also hated men which dude I feel like maybe I am just for real getting old. I mean, I am literally every fucking second of every day, but I didn't know there.

I feel like they're inventing new types of political people in the world. She's like a rad femme or feminist radical feminist type was into like, I guess the scum stuff or whatever. And then also love Hitler which like Respect I guess there's a lot of like Mexican teenagers that love Hitler There's a lot of like, you know Brazilian guys that love Hitler a lot of Brazilian guys like Hitler which is weird Yeah, well that's because they study Brazilian jujitsu, which is a very very fascist

Martial art it is I I fall they Romantic the because Holding another man captive in your arms or locked up in your body man captive in your arms or locked up in your body it's a lot like what Nazism does to the soul yeah yeah it puts it in a triangle choke as opposed to say a noble martial art that everybody shits on like taekwondo you know maybe the least fascist yeah yeah those guys are nice I think what if Korean guys ever done something really wrong we don't know so you're not going about that so they're not the Kim's baby from the day one A woman. A man. A city.

A chance. A chance for love. This summer, Hallmark brings you Stupid Ass Bitch. Starring Keira Knightley and Orlando Brown from That's So Raven. A busy woman. A heroin addicted black man. Can they be in love? Who knows? Maybe one day they'll love each other. Or maybe she'll kill him. Find out on hallmark.tv the story of a black eyed white-lipped blue blooded kid. I

Like that song I just pull a hallmark and that one came up I thought I could maybe do a better one This summer no they always come out winter Here I mean I'll cook one up on it and then you can cook up a crazy one right after okay I'll give you some okay. You think yeah, you got it. Yeah, give me your best shot Eating a piece of spaghetti It's very long and you start eating on it It tastes amazing taking several bites into the food As you eat into the food. As you eat into the food, you notice an amazing meatball.

Taking a big meaty bite out of it, causing the meat to be in your mouth. While the meat keeps on being in your mouth, you can't help but notice how tasty and good it is. Bites like this can be found all over the world, but especially in Italy, which is known as the founders of spaghetti. Spaghetti has a long history, such as being in Italy and in America in places like Olive Garden and in restaurants. Spaghetti is known as one of the oldest foods, dating back to ancient Italy and also as one of the youngest foods as I ate it the

other day and it was awesome. You can eat it with your family, you can eat it with a friend, you can eat it with a gay lover and after that you can have, you can do whatever you want with them and I wouldn't even care. Taking meaty bites into the oregano infused meat causing amazing sensations into your mouth as well as wrapped noodles around the fork. Enjoying scrumptious chewy glutinous bites out of the pasta like noodles. This could be an amazing thing to eat with a fork, knife, napkin spoon, and don't

forget a sparkling glass of your favorite wine. It doesn't have to be sparkling. It could be red wine. Pairs amazing with red noodle- red sauce and noodles. Such as spaghetti See now you can cook up a really good one that was pretty good man I fuck you can blow that out of the water though. I don't know You can do a real ad and you're gonna really kill it Yeah, well that was more that wasn't even like it

That was like an ode like a love song to spaghetti and red sauce. No that was an ad for spaghetti I got paid spaghetti to do that was more, that wasn't even like an ad, that was like an ode, like a love song to spaghetti and red sauce. No, that was an ad for spaghetti, I got paid by spaghetti to do that. Oh, okay. Okay. Hmm. Let me think. Hmm, let me see. Let me just hear it again. Okay. Let me see, let me just hear it again. Okay. Let me see here. Two blue lines. A screech.

A shout. A smile. She looks at you and says, We're pregnant. And you say, who's... Introducing, abandoning your family. Leaving your son to get addicted to heroin and maybe take his own life because you left him is something that people

look down upon. But here's the thing, guys are busy. Men have a lot of things going on in their lives. So if you or someone you know has gotten a woman pregnant, understand that society may tell you it's wrong to leave, but it actually isn't. Pew Research did a study of 800 fatherless children and all 800 of them said that they loved the fact that their dad wasn't around and their lives were completely normal because of it. 800 women were surveyed after their husbands left and they said I got hella dick when he left every day I got dick down like a sick animal. 800 other students were surveyed that their dads were around and they said my life fucking suck cuz my dad was around. Studies don't speak for themselves.

We also talked to 800 dads. And all I can say is that they didn't regret leaving their daughter and their wife at all. Their life was way better for them. They got to play foosball with the guys. They got to watch football with the guys. They got to drink brews with the guys. They got to listen to music with the guys. They got to join the military with the guys.

They got to do pills with the guys. They got to read books with the guys. They got to listen to music with the guys. They got to join the military with the guys. They got to do pills with the guys. They got to read literature with the guys. This summer, have a family, leave it, and don't look back. Brought to you by Apple. What'd you think of that one? I really liked that. Thanks man. That inspired me to make a family and leave it. Yeah I feel like that's the way that people should be going these days. People think too much about oh it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong. What if it's right? Who are you to say that it's wrong? I'm not I'm not qualified to say it's wrong. I haven't done it before right Oh, I like this one Listen to the sounds of my booty meat clapping up against your skin

Listen to the sounds of my booty cheeks smacking up against your leg Listen to the sounds of my booty cheeks smacking up against your leg Listen to the sound of my booty butt slimming up against your truck When you come over to my house you got a good case of good luck. I'm a motherfucking gay guy That's a cappella when I was working on okay I didn't know if he let's you keep doing it might be funnier if he thinks that there's music playing no like you're like there's like a 30 second intro and you're just like yeah not in your head yeah no that was I was just shooting acapella That's awesome

Hock tour let me see you doula. I'm not hearing about her anymore Yeah, ah Yeah, she has she's kind of fell off a little bit, but dude the fucking staying power I mean five six months easy squeezy Yeah, I think it was a crypto scam is You do think it was you think it was all like a big crypto play like the whole thing saying I think the crypto scam Like her coin she has it I

Think it was bad PR wise. Oh Yeah, no. Yeah, she fucked up on that one For sure, but I was talking were we talking about this where I like I don't know if they do it Or if there's like an ecosystem of crypto guys that gets these like no she didn't directly do it. Yeah, okay Yeah, so I'm not saying like she got taken advantage of but like she should have been smart enough to like, not let them do that. For sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know that like, Hamzat Chamayev did the same thing. And there was some other celebrity that had their own coin and it got rub-pulled and it really like, fucked their shit up.

Uh, but uh, I wonder if there's like a ecosystem of crypto guys doing that shit I don't want to do this song. I want to do another ad. Let me think. Straight? Try being pansexual. I think that means you're allowed to have sex with anybody you want, whenever you want. Try being poly. That means you get to have sex with a guy in a Deadpool shirt and you get to have sex with a girl that rides a razor scooter. I think being pansexual is when you're bisexual but want attention. I think polysexual is for people I've had a 0% success rate interacting with but anybody can do what they want. I think being... There was a girl I met one time who said she was demisexual and I had to Google to see what that means.

And that meant that she could only have people that she found she was intellectually and emotionally attracted to. And I immediately knew that I was dealing with somebody that would slash the tires of my car if I continued the relationship. So what did I do? I continued it for about a year. And it was awesome. And everything I ever wanted happened to me. She threw a glass at me at a house party and because I talked to a friend of mine who happened to be a girl. She tried to slash my tires, but she tried to use one of the shitty lemon peeling knives and the handle broke. And she told me that she did this. And then later on, when we were breaking up, I was like, the demisexual thing was weird. And she was like, this is just you being me.

More of the story, guys. Just have sex with a normal girl just if she says that she's into leather or poly pan Pokemon get your fucking shoelace Express running at top speeds because you don't want those problems in your life have sex with another big problem with that is that the girl was underage. Pedophilia, not even once. Attracted to children. The pianist in this song looking over like, come on. Yeah, in the studio with the voice over actor.

Supposed to be scoring. All right, Tommy, Tommy, try that. Okay, hey, just stop, just stop. Okay, run that back, okay? This is, oh, this is serious. Child molestation. It affects everyone. Anywhere, at any time.

Are you attracted to children? If you are, it's okay. We brought, we brought, we brought reformed professional pedophile comedian Thomas white to give you a pet talk Thomas tell him how you stopped being a sexual criminal and started loving the Lord once again Well, I got booked for 15 minutes here guys and I had a set ready that I've been working on of some comedy and even though Jake here played a joke I think even with this music I think it's a fine time for me to just I'll just start doing comedy have you guys ever noticed when you're at the airport and and you're you're in the pre-check line and you go in there and the TSA agent

says do you have pre-check? And you have to look at them and say yes. It's like if you walked up to them and you said, do you work for the TSA? Yeah, it's on the side, dum dum. And then sometimes what I'll do is I'll. Oh! They hated that.

So I just. No, they didn't like it. All the kids walked out during my set. Yeah, they did. Or I guess it wouldn't be. I guess it would be. You gotta start weeding them out young. Ask your kids. If any of you guys are attracted to my videos. If you need any of you children to be attracted to me please leave. If you're a grown adult person and you love the show and you want to support it in ways

Are you a child attracted to grown-ups you need help call Jake Rhodes Get the get back on that one I understand call Jake Rhodes his phone number is eight to three Not gonna finish that because it's not even my number, but I don't want to give out a random guy's number That's not mine, and then you guys call them and say weird stuff about the show

If you're an adult and you want to support the show in ways you never thought were possible go on over to patreon.com Slash for data time and subscribe for one dollar a month to get access to the discord. That's all you'll get. It's just $1. If you subscribe for $5 you get over 300 backlog episodes. Video is not included in that. I don't know why I was about to say there was. Just audio. If you subscribe to the $10 tier then you get the whole backlog of premium video episodes with amazing guests like Ben Avery Devin Costa Ben Avery a second time Devin Costa

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Head on over to my Instagram, jakeroads, and a bunch of ones. That's j-a-k-e-r-h-o-d-e-s, one, one, one, one, one. Click on the link in the bio because we are coming to beautiful Chicago. Jake Rhodes and a bunch of ones that's J A K E R H O D E S 1 1 1 1 Click on the link in the bio because we are coming to beautiful Chicago Tickets are $15 cheap this time because we got to set the ticket prices 20 at the door We've got about 10 tickets left. So if you are a Midwest motherfucker and you want to bark with the big dogs now's the goddamn time and on that note