Pendejo Time - dont remember

Episode Date: July 1, 2021

total black square in my mind. no idea what we talked about. enjoySupport the Show.

yo you're this thing i'm gonna start saying that you're you're you're whenever i go to new york i'm gonna be saying that all the time yeah you're gonna be like hey dead ass cat yo no don't be on on my dead homies big dog i'm fucking don't be stepping on my temps i'm sucking fucking mad pecker off the l train i No, I wouldn't say that. Yeah, you'd say something like that. I would say, I would say, yo, it's Brooklyn time. How is that any better than saying I suck pecker on the L train? Where Brooklyn at?

Where Brooklyn at? Where Brooklyn at? Where Brooklyn at? Where Brooklyn at? Where Brooklyn at? I got seven Mac 11s, about eight 30Ks, nine 9s,

ten Mac 10s, shit never ends. Uh, uh, you ever hear that? No. It's an old baby freestyle.

No, I, I have heard it I was just being an asshole man you don't know anything dude also that was like it's a stupid move on your part cause it's like um uh that video

is like a mainstream enough thing for it to not be annoying for me to bring it up but like also maybe niche enough to where it's you know it's something interesting and you just say all i'm saying is things need to be done i i had supposedly a throat infection a few weeks ago, right? I'm sucking too much peanut oil. No, I don't know. So I did a full round of antibiotics, right? Mm-hmm. Even though my throat did not really hurt that much.

I just had a lymph node that was swollen. Yeah. So now my throat hurts. And I'm like, why? It's because you, like I said, you give so much oral head. I don't think it's from that. What do you think it's from? Didn't you get covered in poison ivy?

Yeah. My throat might just be swollen from that. Maybe. Some fucked up reaction. Yeah, I had this drain the other night. I had this drain the other night. What? Man, I'm just jacking you off, bro.

What was your dream about? Who cares? I don't even want to say it anymore. Come on, man. I'm just fucking... Dude, you... Come on. You tell me that I fuck kids on here.

You tell me that I eat and sell children. That I... Yeah, because I've seen it. I've been to your place. At least I don't make things up. Listen, man, just tell me... Nobody... You want to start out...

Look, we're only three minutes in. Let's start off on the right foot. We're three minutes in. Yeah. We're at least 45 minutes through. Listen, all right, we're three minutes and 26 seconds in. Let's start off on a new foot. Hey, Thomas, can I hear about your dream, bud?

I don't remember how it went. Just make it up. Just lie. I was in this forest, right? And I had a chainsaw, but i was lying down right and i was i was cutting my way through expertly and dodging all the falling trees while sort of running and just propelling myself with the outer side of my thigh i guess and zigzagging around. I met these wizards. You've probably, this is one of those dreams that everybody has at some point.

Yeah, for sure. Like teeth falling out. I met these wizards and they tricked me. Yeah. They were doing all these intricate drawings and carvings into my feet and legs. Yeah. my feet and legs. Yeah. And then, you know,

you know, the next part of the dream everyone has where you wake up just covered in your own blood because you were just scratching your own

legs and feet that whole time. Yeah. That's the whole dream? Yeah. That was it that's pretty fucked up whole shebang pretty fucked up man dude you seem like you're in a bad mood me yeah you seem like you're not doing well

no i've been like super depressed. Nobody cares. I was kidding. Nah, I'm just laying down because... I don't know, man. I haven't been sleeping and... Like, when you work from home, my desk that I normally work at, it's got a bunch of shit on it. Because my apartment is a storage unit right now.

So I've been laying in bed while working. And when you lay in fucking bed all day, working or not, you know, like, it takes a toll. So I'm just fucking tired. I feel like fucking dog shit. I feel like a fucking piece of shit. On the way into my apartment uh i was coming home like right before we started right in front of the walkway to my building was like 10 chicken wing bones but they weren't scattered they were in a pile

mm-hmm like uh like neatly eaten pile of chicken bones. And I don't... The rational thing is to think, well, like somebody threw these out over their balcony drunk. Because it's student housing. And then like a raccoon cleaned them and then I guess like piled them or whatever. I took it as like I have a curse on me now. There's a witch about or something. And I'm surely I have some sort of bloodline curse.

It was really fucked up, man. They were like in a little pyramid in the grass right in front of the walk. You know how many bones a chicken has? Ten. More? Yeah. How many? 510.

Okay. Do you want to name all of them? Yeah, I'll name one. We've got 53 minutes. Do you want to name all of them? Number one, the top part of the beak. Okay, top part of the beak. Also known as upper beak.

Upper beak, okay. Number two, lower beak. Okay. Number three is the tongue. Tongue bone. Okay. Number four is the neck. Leg. Neck.

Neck bone. Neck bones. Okay. neck leg neck neck bone neck bone okay of which as we know there are 508 507 um that's all the bones that's all the bones of a chicken so if you're curious you're getting into aviary science or perhaps farming getting into aviary science or perhaps farming. You just learned all the bones of a chicken. I got... I hadn't slept in a couple days. I finally slept last night.

Yeah? It was pretty wicked. How'd you get to sleep? Did you jack off a bunch? No. I think I might have once. Nice. But it wasn't really a deciding factor.

Okay. Are you a nighttime jacker or a morning jacker? I'm not that dedicated of a... Of a jacker? Not anymore. I feel you. I'm more of a utility jacker nighttime but like i only like maybe twice a week yeah i really only do it when i feel like if i don't like i'm gonna like i just only i only jack off when i absolutely need to. It's kind of like a last resort.

Sometimes I'll go, like, a good while without doing it, and I'll be like, you know, I should get back into this. Yeah, like getting back into lifting weights. Yeah. Or, like, dieting. But, you know, I don't. It's hard for me to make a habit of it. Yeah.

Because, you know maybe if i'm like watching i don't know like top gun or something you jack off to tom yeah yeah yeah we're like i don't know like it's not because of the movie but like maybe like roadhouse yeah or like dirty dancing or something like that it's not because of the movie, but, like, maybe, like, Roadhouse. Yeah. Or, like, Dirty Dancing or something. It's not because of Patrick Swayze. No, it's just because I like movies. Yeah.

Or, like, his sinewy, supple body. No, that would be, I don't know. That'd be gay and weird, yeah. I don't know. It wouldn't be weird, but it wouldn't be me. No, it'd be weird. It'd be, like, something someone else would do. It'd be a subhuman behavior i accidentally nailed part of my mustache through my nose

i was like oh there's like a bug in there you're looking looking pretty uh pretty slim in the face man yeah i'm like i'm still losing weight. Yeah. Yeah. I think a lot of it's water weight, honestly. Which, that's fine. I'm going to be taking some time off soon.

Although I hear it's hot in New York right now, which is like, I understand that it's it's hot in new york right now which is like i understand that summer all right but also i'm gonna be there yeah do you want me to be there or not you know yeah do you want me i'm a i'm not trying to do like a... I'm a star. And you're making your city to where I can't have a good time in it. Well, like, I'm not... I made the point before that, like, heat waves are different everywhere and, like, people acclimate, but, like, you're not... I mean, Oregon is literally, it's like 119 degrees in Oregon.

But, like, a heat wave in New York, it's like... Like, you're acclimated to heat waves in Texas. You go to New York and it's like, uh... Like, you're acclimated to heat waves in Texas. You go to New York and it's like, it's 99 degrees. And, like, the whole city is, like, uh... Like, on the verge of, like, opening their veins. And, like, walking into the fucking Hudson or whatever. And it's like, eh, it's not that bad. It's like 98 with heat index like 103 where I'm at.

So it's like, eh, it's probably not that bad in New York. You'd be fine people in new york i feel like in new york though that he i feel like there's not a uc in a lot of places yeah that's true too yeah and also like here even in like um you, like the city. Yeah. Things aren't built as compact. Yeah, no. Like, there's a lot of open space generally.

Not everywhere, but, like, I don't know. I feel like even in the city, at least in the DFW area, there's, like, a lot of trees and, like, shade and stuff. Mm-hmm. And there's a lot of, like, open space. I feel like the air is just, like, thicker and stuffier up there. You're going to New York to try out for Broadway, right? No. No, I'm going up there because I'm going to write for Saturday Night Live.

Oh, can you tell me one of your sketch ideas? It's about a, it's about some veggie tales. Okay, are they like trans or something no no that would be stupid okay no they uh

they're um it's the veggie tales but it's they're in the white house oh yeah it's we're calling it it's political a veggie tales It's the VeggieTales, but they're in the White House. Oh. Yeah, we're calling it a VeggieTales Democrat Republican White House event. Extravaganza? Yeah, that's what this sketch is going to be called.

Who's playing Donald? What vegetable is Donald Trump? Well, I got some bad news for you. He's not in the freaking White House anymore. It's Joe Biden. You know me. I'm like Joe Biden and Candace Owens now. No, I

think I could write for SNL. I would just have to get funnier and then learn how to read. I don't think you'd have to get funnier, man. I think like... I feel like you do have to be funny to write for SNL. No, I feel like you have to be kind of funny to get on. I don't know. I'm not going to get on my SNL soapbox.

The only reason I think you have to be funny is because I know that Dan Licata guy he's a writer for SNL, right? Yeah, or I think he was. I don't know. He's super funny. Shout out to him.

I'm not going to get on my soapbox because I have never written anything in my life and I'm not funny. People worry that I spend too much of my time writing comedy sketches. Yeah. Something that I've definitely spent hours and hours doing and it's not just a half-assed thing. You know, whatever. Yeah. How about a big... thing you know whatever yeah how about uh the big um

we should how about we spend the rest of this episode coming up with what we're gonna pitch to snl we've got 35 minutes so if you want to try and do that um all right mr lauren michaels All right. Mr. Lorne Michaels. All right, I'm Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels. You pitch me to Lorne, your idea. Lorne Michaels. How about... So... How about there's a postal worker.

Okay. Who just found out about freaking Amazon. Okay. Wouldn't that be something? What happens in it? He says, what the heck? He's dropping off mail. He looks and there's another guy doing the same thing.

He says, something ain't right here. What does he do to the guy? Something ain't right. And who pulls up next but a, gosh darn, FedEx truck. And he says, wait a minute. Wait. Hold up. And who pulls up next uh a ups truck he says i'm not sure my services are needed here and then up next uh a clown car pulls up and it's it's Kamala Harris she gets out and she's

wearing a bikini. Is that where the skit ends? Yeah. That's the whole thing. That's pretty good man. Alright you have to come up with one right now. Alright. Alright. So it is a

5'4 Filipino guy with a BMI of 56 and he moves to Chicago and he wants to be a musical theater star. But he has the kind of autism where you're good at math.

I thought he was Filipino, right? Yeah. They don't have autism over there. They don't? This is a sketch. It's called comedy. They haven't have autism over there. They don't? This is a sketch. It's called comedy. That's how you do comedy right now. Okay.

Alright, so let's just go straight Chinese then. Chinese guy, 5'3", BMI 52. They don't make... Do they... All right. Yeah, that's fine. Sure. That's fine.

That's fine. Whatever. He wants to be a tap dancer, but he has like a savant's understanding of mathematics. And so all of his tap dance numbers are done like a Fibonacci sequence, and he's gay also. I'm trying to check all the boxes here.

That would be insane. What do you mean? I would laugh really hard if I saw that. Okay, see? That's why we're talking SNL. So you've got a 5'3", 52 BMI Chinese guy who's autistic like Rain Man, and then he tap dances,

but only in a mathematical Fibonacci sequence tool type way. You're Lorne Michaels. You don't pick that shit up? I'm Lange Monkles. You're Lange Monkles. You don't pick that shit up? I'm picking it up. I'm sitting it down.

I'm going around. I'm telling town. What are you telling town? I'm saying I'm picking it up. Oh, okay. Well, those are our skits. No, we've got another few minutes left, and I think we're going to keep going.

How about... Come on. This is a free one. We're good. Hmm. Hmm. This is a free one. We're good. Here's one that might surprise everybody. Yeah, Lil Wayne. Okay, Lil Wayne. Pulling his pants up and reading a book.

Sorry, everyone. Is that a cool sketch? Yeah, it's kind of racist. I don't know. It's okay, man. Probably, I'm not going to do that. You've told me how racist you are. It's fine.

Yeah, a little bit, but not... It's fine. Just a little bit. Just a smidge. a classic way and if she's heard that i know you did i was just kidding i know you wear skinny jeans now you haven't worn baggy pants since like 2003 so not that applicable anymore right right um So not that applicable anymore. Right. Right. I'm hoping with maybe towards the end of Joe Biden's term,

it becomes okay to tell celebrities to pull their pants up. Dude, Bill Cosby just got released. Hey, Bill Cosby. We we are back pull your pants up bill cosby you're out the fucking joint you've got acquitted of all charges pull the pants up man it's about time i don't think he got acquitted it was just like uh like they weren't like hey you're innocent they were like uh they did it The conviction was overturned or something. Yeah. I don't know if that amounts to an acquittal. I don't know anything about the law.

If you're acquitted of something, of that specific charge, you can't be recharged for that specific like case you know yeah thankfully with him there's like

87 cases or whatever well he's getting out of jail like he's not serving any more jail time like he's going home I know he won basically yeah no he definitely won not serving any more jail time. Like, he's going home. Yeah, I know. He won, basically. Yeah, no, he definitely won. He got off scot-free.

How long did he serve? Two? Like, three years, maybe. Yeah. I mean, like, that's, to be fair, the fact that he went to prison was more than anyone was expecting. You know, last episode we rehabilitated

Chris Delia. I think it's time we went. We said, look, Bill Cosby, it's alright, man. It's, uh, you know what, uh, we at Pendejo Time want to say that we do not condone and endorse him. We hate him. We hate him. We hate him so much.

What a waste of quid. What a fucking waste hate him so much. What a waste of quaaludes. What a fucking waste of life, dude. What a fucking piece of shit. What a waste of quaaludes. Ah, dude, right? I never got to do them. I was born too late. But apparently he was fucking treating them like... He was giving them

to just anybody. Just Alka-Seltzer. Just dropping it in every fucking drinkin' you got. I'm met a boy in my life where, hey, I'd hang out with him just to try one of those.

Would you hang out with Bill Cosby just to do a Quaalude if you knew that you would get fucked in your ass? Is that what you're sayin'? Now or in 2005?

Well, he's been, was up to it since like the 70s, so just... I wasn't alive in the 70s. Me neither, but how old were you in 2005? Six? I was five. I turned six that October.

Okay, so you're telling me that at five years old, going on six... I'm saying if I could go back in time, and then I'm five. So you're old for your age. You're a mature five-year-old. I think I wouldn't be ideal for him. You would throw it back on Bill Cosby for a coelude at five? If I was that small, it would have a bigger effect on me. One more time repeat that if I had that low body mass can you imagine

the effects my tolerance would be insanely low it would nearly kill me he gives you a little shave of it no I want to try the entire thing but can you imagine the pure unbridled joy fucking strip off. No, no, I want to try the entire thing. But can you imagine the pure, unbridled joy?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, no, I mean, the molestation would definitely leave you scarred, but... I don't, I don't, alright, right now, I don't care about that. Don't care. It would still be a positive memory for me.

You probably wouldn't remember the bad parts, just the good parts. Yeah. I'll say it like this, my childhood would be exactly the same. I'm just kidding. Imagine how funny you would be as a human being if you got molested by Bill Cosby.

Most of them just did daytime television after that, right? Yeah, they were all public access to cable hosts. They became caterers. I guess if it happens to my family. They had zero success in their field as actresses. Oh, well, that's a terrible subject. It doesn't necessarily make you funny. I don't know, man.

I feel like, you know, you get a little bit of, you get your shit batting around in a closet or whatever. It can make you somewhat, maybe, you know. No, it definitely has a potential to. I'm saying it doesn't by default. Oh, no, for sure, yeah. Sometimes you just become like James Gordon or whatever. James Gordon?

James Gordon. I was thinking of Gordon Ramsay. I was thinking of Jeff Gordon. I was thinking of Gordon Ramsey. I was thinking of Jeff Gordon. I was thinking of accordion. Were you? Yeah, the instrument. Are you lying? No.

Yeah, I was. Something special is happening. Are you getting hard? No. I'm excited about the truck. Yeah, well, I mean, you said something special, and I know that your penis doesn't work, so I figured that's what it was.

It does a lot of the time, actually. What percentage is a lot for you, though? You know, if I say... If I say that, you know, I hit a home run often, all right, you're not expecting me to be batting 500.

No, I'm... Let's... Look, a good batting average is, you know... What's the batting average is, you know. What's the batting average? What's a good batting average? No, what is your penis-hard batting average? It's a, I don't know.

I actually don't know how batting averages work. I was hoping you did. I just never... I don't pay attention to the dang thing. Does your penis work 90% of the time or does it work less? It depends on whether I want it to. Like I'll say

it doesn't work when I'm going down a water slide. Because I don't want it to. I'm saying when you need your penis to be hard does it I don't want it to. I'm saying, when you need your penis to be hard, does it work when you want it to? When you need it, let's rephrase it, does your penis

work when you need it to? Absolutely not. But it does sometimes. Fuck. Fuck. Alright, respect. Okay, okay. fuck alright respect okay okay so so we're looking at

what do you think like a like a 60% success rate for what your penis getting hard when you need it to I don't know

I I would have to look at my you know my stats my flow charts my bar graphs my my numbers uh probably maybe a little better than that i don't know 68 i don't know man you seem awful curious, because mine's way worse than that. I'm just trying to compare. Yeah, I bet you are. But I'm an old man, though. Neither of us are, and that's okay.

I don't know. You just tell yourself that you're getting older, and that's why your penis doesn't work, but you're like in your early to mid-20s. You're like, you know, you're getting older, you know? So, you know, it stops working. What do I expect, man? I'm 17.

Yeah, you know what? It's just like Bumble Date. You're like, look, you know, biology. How old are you? I'm 26. And your penis doesn't work? You know, it's just part of growing up, you know. Your penis stops working like it

seemingly after your 19th birthday uh just sort of you know my favorite thing to do is be like ah sorry i was on ssris three years ago dude i've literally i i i've literally been like uh yeah sorry i'm on lithium and then you, you know, later on, like, this is years ago. Oh, I take, you know, I take Prozac. Like, lithium does that? Like, yeah, yeah, lithium, you know, fucks your dick up pretty bad. Oh, like, how many milligrams do you take? Oh, I'm not taking it right now.

Oh, did you miss your dose this morning? I haven't taken it since 2016. right now oh do you miss your dose this morning i haven't taken it since 2016 oh so like does it have lasting effects for years no no i'm lying uh mostly i've been thinking about uh like my car payment but it's easier to say lithium than to say that i don't have enough money to pay for my car payments right now. And I'm also thinking about, like, we're having sex and UFC is on and I wanted to watch the fight and, you know, just, hey, is your Uber here? Like, is it here now?

Because my penis is broke. I'm going to drive down to San Marcos in a Bentley. I'm going to buy a Bentley just to go down there. No, you're not. I mean, why,

okay, what year and what color are we talking? Fifteen and a quarter. Respect. I think it would be cool if you showed up

in like a Panzer tank or like an MRAP. I got an MRAP for you right here. Let's hear it. M. M. I already did it. That was your whole rap Just the letter M

Yeah What letter comes after M? N Yeah You know what comes after that is O And that spells no No What letter comes after the N?

After the N? Yeah. It's O. That's not. And then after that is P, which spells nope. Nope. Well, I love what we do and i'm i'm glad

i'm glad we're only halfway through this one yeah yeah did you check the time yeah what did you think it was maybe like 48 well how did you feel when you saw it was 31 and 30 i thought i thought thank god thank god i get to hang out with my friend jake some more yes yeah Yeah. You have to wake up so early. I'm not happy about it. It's not easy. I told you, I got a flat tire, and I was like... So, like, when I had the Crown Victoria and the Impala,

I had, like, a hydraulic jack, like something you'd see in a shop. Just a normal fucking hydraulic jack. I haven't had any issues in my tires with the car and so i like went into the trunk to you know look under the like the carriage or whatever the fucking the carpeting to see and i and i have a fucking uh like a spare under there but the jack is in like 15 different pieces like it's the the jack that comes with like the Nissan models or whatever. I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at. Like I was like, huh.

I have a show I'm doing on Friday. So like I need to change this tire and I need to go to discount. Like Thursday. Like tomorrow. I guess if this is coming out tomorrow. I need to go today. And I was like trying to put the jack together, and I was like, dude, I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at.

Like it's like a jack should be a fucking handle, and then like a piece of fucking metal that connects to the fucking frame and you just fucking crank it. But no, the shit that's in like the trunk of my fucking car is in like a big styrofoam square and there's like fucking 15, 16 pieces of metal. Wrong. It should just be handle, jack. That's it.

So I like, I might just never change my, I might just let the car sit there. Maybe get another car. I know how to change a tire. I can do it just fine. I just really don't want to do it. Folks, if you're listening, Jake has no idea how to change a tire. Isn't that sad?

So make sure to message him and let him know how you like to change your tires. I bet that when you change tires, you bend over real slow, and the grease and sweat kind of rolls off your back and kind of goes down your short shorts. I don't wear short shorts. They're running shorts, and that's what I use them for. Use them for something else.

You're correct. I use them for something else and uh you're correct i use them for walking most uh hey man are you fat phobic uh a little bit but only if you look gross yeah yeah i think i'm super fat phobic but i've been let me ask you something if you've been fat i feel like you get to be like like if you want to be actually i don't care either way i don't give a shit no i just think everyone should look cool according to me i agree but this now you're so cool. No, I, in my defense, hate my body. So I can say whatever I want.

Exactly. That's the point I'm trying to make. If you've been really fat and gross looking, and even after working on your body, you still fundamentally despise every aspect of it, I feel like you should be able to be like, yeah, that guy looks like a fat piece of shit, and then people can't cancel you. No, I don't care about

if someone wants to do that willy-nilly. I don't care. But I'm saying you should get a pass. If you've been fat in your life and then you lose the weight and someone's like, oh oh you just hate fat people no I mostly just hate myself but like

you know I should be able to be like hey look at that fat piece of shit I earned it you know you've been in the trenches yeah I'm gonna be fat again probably in like a year I go through cycles I get really fat.

I get really skinny. I've been doing it since I was like 12. So, you know, give me a year and I can be like, look at that fat piece of shit. But, you know, right now I guess it's bad because I'm not fat. I believe in you. Yeah, thank you, man. I appreciate your kindness and support and sympathy. Yeah?

Yeah. Now I am. Do-do-do. Ba-da-ba. Ba. Da-da-da. Dee-doo. Mm-hmm. Dee-doo-doo. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm gonna tie you to a railroad track and then hire my friends to rent a train

and then we'll go and kill you. Man, you do anything cool two weekends from now? I think you're coming to my apartment. Yeah, to kill you. To kill me. Well, first we're going to have sex, by the way. We're going to have five minutes of so what the what we've worked out is is that you know because we're business partners in a legitimate business uh

we decided hey look it's about time we had sex and so and so me and thomas decided we're to have five minutes of non-gay sex just because that's what business partners do. Well, wear a suit the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the top up, full tuxedo. And then Thomas is going to help me move stuff into my apartment. And then maybe we'll record some video stuff, but it really just depends on how we feel after we move a bunch of shit up a couple flights

of stairs. But yeah, and also I told you I forgot the McGregor fight was the 10th. I thought it was the 24th for some reason. So that is probably going to be like Who's he fighting? He's fighting Dustin Poirier for a third time.

It's their trilogy. Winner of this fight fights for the title. Nice. Yeah. I thought Conor McGregor had the title for some reason. No, he did a long time ago, like three or four years ago. But not anymore. He hasn't had a belt in a hot minute

it's cause he's weak yeah cause he's Irish and they have weak minds and weak spirits and they should be glassed he doesn't fight that much anymore right no he has like 900 million dollars he used to fight like two or three times a year and now he doesn't really fight all that much i would i probably wouldn't either

no i would i no no i would not at all if you had like i had like 100 dollars i probably wouldn't like your first ufc, you make like eight grand. You're like, I think that's it for me, Dana. And he's like, well, you just knocked that guy out. You're like a real contender. And you're like, how much am I getting paid? After taxes, like $2,200. That sounds good to me.

I think I'm going to cut it here. I think I'm going to retire. Maybe we should both become professional fighters. Yeah. I ain't going to cut down to like 115. 115 that would be if you were a fucking flyweight a six foot flyweight that would rock you would most certainly die yeah i like i think about getting back to 155 like just to see if I could do it. Because 170 is my goal, and I've been fucking off.

I haven't worked out. So I'm back further away from it. I'm probably like 198 right now. But I think about how hard 170 is for me to hit. Like 190 was hard. And then I think about being 155 pounds, which is some guys that are my height like a similar build like they fight at we've talked about this before i don't understand how that shit works and i will never ever understand that level of dedication i just i like chicken wings

i like beer i like fucking haribo gummy bears i like milkshakes dude i like eating pussy dude you ever eat pussy uh yeah it's it's awesome you like how do you eat. Do you ever eat pussy? Yeah, it's awesome. How do you eat it? Can you make the sounds that you make? I can't even make the sounds because they can't even be heard by human ears. That's why I let my dogs stay in the room the whole time. Yeah, so they can hear it? Yeah.

What sounds do the dogs make when you eat pussy? They're completely silent. They know not to... But do their ears perk up? Like, they hear it, but they don't, they can't register the key. It's like an MKUltra code is going through there. Yeah. Like an activation code. They're just staring into the wall like yeah i want to hear what sounds i make i'm listening to parliament the whole time

i'm like no bow yeah we have your way but you'll be wow wow wow you p o e p a bow wow you p o e p a Wow, wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay. Flourish light. Yeah, what noises did you make? Hold on, let me... Sounds good. Like that? Yeah. Sounds good.

Yeah, and then after I go like that yeah and then after I go bon appetit and then I start eating the pussy the earlier sounds were just what I make before I go bon appetit and then the girl's like I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to

Be here anymore And I'm like Well you're kind of Like chained To a radiator So you don't really You know And

Yeah But that's just how I do it You know A lot of people don't agree With stuff like that What do you think? I I like to make

Little mouse noises And then I'll like Pret pretend my fingers are the fingertips of a mouse, and I'll just sort of scamper around on it, you know? Oh, yeah, I love that. That's a classic move, just going like... Yeah. Yeah, that's classic stuff. That's what Bill Clinton was doing to Monica Lewinsky. That's why he got in so much trouble.

I thought he just took the dress to the laundromat. That's all he did. No, he was... He got fired. He would go up to her pussy and go... He got fired for doing laundry of all things. Which is something that a man should not be doing. Yes.

You know, right there we go. He got fired for being a woman's business. He got fired for doing a woman's job. Dude, if I was the President of the United States and I got fired over laundry, I would kill myself. If I was the President of the United States, I would kill myself. If I was the President

of, like, AutoZone, I would probably find a way out. You, like, get promoted. You're, like, assistant manager. You're, like, this is too much. This is it for me i can't handle it yeah it's they're like yeah we don't even need your phone number man just show up and i'm like i can't do this okay it's too much i can't i i can't do this i'm like do i get my own

secret service guard and they're like what are you talking about dude everyone at uh I remember there was I was a discount tire once getting my tires replaced on my Impala Supersport it was a car I was really proud of man it was a fast car it was a nice little little sweet little car

and uh they had a I didn't have a job at the time. I had just quit my serving job and dude, I am, I didn't think about how I looked, but I, it was probably like nine or 10 in the morning. I had just woken up. I was still drunk and still high. I think probably went to bed like 30 minutes prior. And, uh, like I had just woken up. I was still drunk and still high. I think probably went to bed like 30 minutes prior. And, like, I had, like, you know, a pair of dirty black Levi's on, covered in stains. Some of them cum. Most of them salsa, queso, guacamole. I probably hadn't showered in, like, 10 or 11 days.

Jeans just, my shirt's just sweaty armpit stains and, like, blood. And I go up to the guy, and he's like, yeah, it'll be, like, $109, whatever the fuck, however much money it was. And I was like, oh, are you guys hiring? And he was like, no, not right now. And I was like, well, the sign out front says hiring, and the pamphlet right next to your register, I mean, I didn't make this known, but I was like, oh, the sign out side says hiring, but there was also a pamphlet right next to your register. I mean, I didn't make this known, but I was like,

Oh, the sign outside says hiring. But there was also a pamphlet right up front that says like 10 50 an hour flexible schedule. And I was like, I'm kind of like looking for work right now. You know, like I'm putting my car in the machine.

He's like, yeah, man, we're just like not really looking for people. And I was like, Oh, okay. Like maybe like in, in my head in the moment, I was like, Oh like maybe like in in my head in the moment i was like oh maybe they

just like uh haven't they like they hired out you know and they didn't take the sign down yeah like maybe the week before they got all their team members and they didn't need nobody but it wasn't until i was on the way home that i was like oh that guy just probably thought i was gonna kill myself like like the moment i got hired like he thought I was gonna die because I like my eyes were like bloodshot red I smelled like fucking corn chips and like cum and I had like a bloody t-shirt on and like stained jeans and like dirty slides from Walmart and I just was sweating at like 10 in the morning and there was 10 in the morning, and there was AC in the building.

Hey, man, can I have a job? No, we're not really hiring. Oh, the sign says, no, we're good. Like, it wasn't until I got to my house that I just, like, it was like, maybe don't ask for a job when you've been on a bender for, like, two and a half weeks. Yeah, that's a good lesson to learn, I guess. Also, like, if I did work a discount tire,

I probably would have just put my head in the thing that they use to, like, you know, remove the tire from the rim or whatever. You don't have a tire on your head, do you? I do. What are you gonna fucking do about it, dude? Oh, I don't know. Tie your head?

Ha ha. Ah. Where are you, the dang Michelin man? Gosh. Yeah, I am, I think, falling asleep, but that's okay.

This will be another one of those episodes where we're like, wow, that was awesome. I'm asleep in the park and they find me with my clothes off. And they find me with my clothes off and they find me. I'm looking for ducks and I'm showing them how to go to trade school. Would you... You're homeless, right?

Man, you're telling me a duck swam in this pond? Boy, are you telling me a duck got one hole? Are you telling me a shrimp lives in the ocean? You're telling me a duck got one hole? Are you telling me a shrimp lives in the ocean? Are you telling me right now an alligator be living in the swamp? Are you telling me that I gotta go to court cause I don't have a driver's license?

Are you telling me that if I don't figure out a way to pay taxes on this podcast soon that I will owe at least $1,500 at the end of the year? Are you telling me you think it's owe at least $1,500 at the end of the year. Are you telling me you think it's only going to be $1,500? Are you telling me that it's going to be probably closer to $4,000 to $5,000? $4,500. Are you telling me that this is

not free money that I can just make laissez-faire style? I thought laissez-faire was a type of milkshake. Laissez-faire was the name of a girl I met in San Antonio. I used to work for laissez-faire down in New Orleans. I used to work for laissez-faire. She had a pussy that stunk like a coin star. I used to have a job at the carnival down at the Laissez-Faire.

And they let me ride the Ferris wheel all night, so I wouldn't yell at nobody. They told me that a guy with such a high IQ could operate the Tilt-A-Whirl at the Laissez-Faire. or high IQ could operate the Tilt-A-Whirl at the Laissez-Faire. I used to let kids steal all the cotton candy because I need people to be nice to me. They said I could work at the fair, but not

where the kids are because the jobs at the Laissez-Faire do background checks. I worked at the carnival. It was nice for me because I had been living under the dock secretly for some time. And so it was a short swim for me up past the crazy Adelaide Gators. I had to swim up the Gulf of Mexico nine miles to get to my job at the laissez-faire every day.

I used to wake up and I had to brush my hair in the morning because I had shrimp in it. I forgot to brush my hair one day. I went to work and they called me crustacean hair. They called me crabby. Oh, hey, come here, Mr. Stupid Fish Head. If you ever... I just smack myself in the mouth with my own microphone.

I'm hurting and bleeding from my lip. But if you work at the laissez-faire... you work at the laissez-faire? You guys ride right there. They be riding on there. Baby, you saw you made me want to roll my window down and cruise

on a round-on Chevy throwing a bone in it and a whole lot better with you up in it. And baby, my name's John, and I'd like to know where my windows are. They're blue. And cruise. And crew. Baby, I'm Thomas.

And I like to go and eat food. Food. I fucking hate this show man this one sucks so bad oh fuck Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Yep. Simple as that, boys.

Simple as that, baby. You do absolutely nothing for 49 minutes, and then you start singing a country song I barely know, but I kind of remember from working on a job site. And instead of saying, windows down and cruise, you say, gonna go eat some food. And then you get the biggest laugh you've had all week after 49 minutes of jacking off. Oh, my God. are jacking off.

Oh, my God. What's your favorite country song of all time? Probably Old MacDonald. You suck, man. What's your favorite country song, you pussy-ass bitch? You suck, man. What's your favorite country song? That song sucks. Pussy ass bitch. Fuck you, dude.

That song sucks. Fuck you, pussy. My favorite... Wheels on the Bus? No, maybe... Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Maybe King of the Road by... What's his name? Roger miller yeah i i dude okay i have a lot of country songs i genuinely like a lot because i love the genre but if i hear i've got friends

in low places and i've had more than like one and a half beers it's it's curtains i'm doing i'm putting on a fucking show i fucking love that song i i don't want to say it's my favorite country song but if that song if that song plays anywhere i'm i'm fucking going i will say neon moon for me oh yeah that's a big that's like the other big one. Yeah. If you're somewhere like at a fucking shitty bar. Neon Moon probably for me. I'll say that. Yeah, Neon Moon's great. That is just a classic song. You want to sing it with me?

Ah, yeah. I'll do the first little piano part. Alright. The sun goes down. On my side of town. You know what, man? Hey, how much we got?

We got 57 minutes. Give me a second. I'm keeping my voice low. Keep it low, we got it Because I can't I can't actually I cannot only hit those notes We're doing it?

Okay Okay The sun goes down on my side of town That lonesome feeling comes through that door And the old world turns Blue And the broken bar across the river tracks And there's a tube way in the back. I sit alone. I think of you.

I think of you. I'm still afraid of that. In the light of the neon moon. In the light of a neon moon Now if you lose your warning on me You always come here for the lonely Watch your broken dreams I'm out of the beams Of a neon moon

Well that, that, that, that bought me some time. There are two young lovers running wild and free. Oh, we're not done? All right, here we go. I close my eyes. I think of a neon moon. I think of two young lovers

running wild and free. I close my eyes and sometimes see you in the shadows. This is my creative room. There are tears.

I've sat here and cried. I have a time that I have lied to live in my poor home. Yeah. You'll be back someday. I'll be all right. As long as there's light in the young moon.

Uh-oh. That's a good song. All right. That's about it. All right. So something popped up on the Zoom thing that says, set up professional audio and audio settings. Yeah.

It did that one time when I made a noise for like 15 minutes. I went like. 15 minutes. I went like I don't know. This might be something that's good for us but I've never seen it before. We should start just doing like 45

minutes of music on here. Karaoke. We don't actually try to hit any notes because why would we? Then after that we don't actually try to hit any notes because why would we but uh and then after that we don't have like a better show no it's not it's just like this yeah it's it's just this sort of like just one of those episodes you just dial in or whatever um hello hello

alright I think that's going to about cut it folks thanks for hanging out and tuning in. Oh, there he is. Yeah, you're here now. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. yeah Pendejo time as long as there's light in a neon moon if you subscribe to my podcast unsubscribe shortly thereafter. Watch your $5 pay for my phone bill so I can go to the bar. All right. Bye.