Pendejo Time - dont remember

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

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Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hello, hi, hi, hi, hey, hi, hi. Hi, hi, hello. How are you? Hi. Hi, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Anyway, uh, hey, uh, hey, everybody. Um, uh, thanks for, listening to the show. You're probably listening to this in your car. I was thinking in the day, under what conditions do you think people usually listen to the show? Because I know a lot of like people who have like restaurant jobs and like construction jobs listen to this show. But like somebody told me that they like to listen to their show when they go on a hike. And I was like, I would never in a thousand years. First of all, I wouldn't listen to a podcast when I'm trying to like be in the mountains or the woods. Second of all, I'd like, I'd like,

I wouldn't listen to this podcast outside. There's not really that much going on that you need to... Like, if you tune out for a while, then you tune back in, it's not that big of a deal. No, I understand that. That's totally fun. It's not really about anything. It's not really good enough to where you...

There's anything that you can't miss. Sure. It's not a bonus. There's almost nothing... There's... You could pretty much check out any episode, and you wouldn't understand all of them. Yeah, no.

It's probably like putting on like a classic rock playlist. Yeah, listening to Rush or something. Yeah, it's going to be, you know, this. Yeah. I just said listening to Rush. We were a couple minutes in and we're talking about what the product itself typically can be or might be. I mean, you know, so somebody clicked on this and they're hearing us talk about the podcast itself. I can't imagine that that's something they really want to hear.

So they're probably zoning out about now, and then they're thinking maybe I skip ahead and they're talking about a mouse with a human dick or something like that. Yeah, yeah. No, I guess I was just like, you make a good point. It's not like sometimes I listen to a podcast like about history or something and I'm like, I have to just listen to this. Like in the car. Even like sometimes I'll, if I want a flight or something, I'll listen like Matt and Shane sometimes. Yeah. And if I zone out at any point, it's not a big deal because I'll zone back in and it's like they're just complaining.

Yeah. Or Matt got a flute or something. Yeah, or like Lemaire has been, has done something disgusting. Eating the same bag of chips for seven episodes. Yeah, something like that. They're accusing Lemaire of jacking off in a particular chair. That has been a central, almost every episode in the last like, two years that I've listened to, which hasn't been that many.

Yeah. But that Shane has been on, he's brought up the fact that there is a chair that Lamar is accused of jacking off in regularly. He continually denies it. It's not really that interesting to me. It's just a funny thing to, you know, that's a, it's a mark of a, of a good commodering. Yeah. It's a friendship simulator. That's what it's like, sometimes my friends are talking to me and we're not having like a conversation that we're, would necessitate my full attention. And I don't want anybody to listen to that and go, oh, no.

My friends and I talk pretty much how Thomas and I talk, it's pretty much nothing that matters. And then maybe about 45 minutes in the conversation, one of us will go, we'll say something meaningful to the person, not to the other person listening, but to them. And then the other person will go, yeah, I don't really think any of that stuff is real or matters.

And then the other person goes, yeah, you're right. And then that's the end of that. So that's pretty much the whole thing up until now and pretty much forever. We need to optimize more. We need to be talking about current events and that'll help with SEO. What do you guys think about the Kevin Hartroast from a few weeks ago since people are probably going to start talking about that against? So I thought some of the jokes were funny and some of the insults were mean. But some of those good, some of the opinions, I thought we're bad.

Wait, I wish they had more black writers. I thought, I did think it was funny. That's my new thing. I wish that the roast I didn't watch had more black writers in it. The only thing I saw from it was the couple digs at Chelsea Handler, and then I was going to say the thing that made me laugh, I mean, I didn't watch the whole thing because I'm not, I would never, I'm never watching that.

But when Shane was like, oh, my writers, and then Nick was wearing a sport coat and then just a T-shirt, it's like, it's like someone told me. told him that he had to wear like a suit like it was like hey man you got to you got to put the suit on it and he's just like all right yeah fine because but he just had like a like a black black blank t-shirt i'll see handler i i'm not saying i've never heard of her but i don't know who that is so and every time i don't need to know she's one of those people where she'll be on like a show that I also know, like, I show like the view or something

where I don't even know like, I might watch by accident if I'm like getting my tires changed or something in the lobby, but like that's a world I'm not a part of. Yeah. I don't need to. And that's not me saying I hate Chelsea Handler either.

I don't even care of Chelsea Handler as a sinus because I don't know what the fucker. I don't know who that is. It's like if I heard that my friend's boss was a Zionist or something, I'd go, okay. Awesome. Or, you know, like, I don't care. I don't care.

Hope they get AIDS. I don't give a shit. Hey, did you know that one of the people on MythBusers? Hey. Who gives a fuck? This is nothing, nothing. You know? Yeah. I thought it was.

But when I see a room just full of fucking white writers like that, it does make my, I'll be honest. It makes my blood fucking boil. Yeah, it makes my skin crawl I also thought it's funny that People took The Michael Chee joke A complete face value I don't even know what you're talking about

See, that's how I don't even know What was the joke? Michael Chey made a joke about The all-white writing room or whatever Oh I think he was just being Silly or whatever Oh nice

A storm just started Nice started a storm Sounds like hail Oh well that's probably probably good girl gives a fuck this

we're seven minutes in and I don't give a fuck by any of this I uh uh I think I think that the I feel like the roast is like the people that they choose are really

like why Kevin Hart like Charlie Sheen like that I get but like Kevin Hart has like I mean like at the At the time they did the roast, Charlie Sheen was in the news because he had AIDS and he gave AIDS to a porn star.

Yeah. And he was doing the like tiger blood thing. And he was like, yeah, I did cocaine with Mad Max. And I'm literally, and like he was in the news for giving like life altering STDs to people without telling them. And they were like. Which we've all done. Right. Yeah, 100%.

And then they were like, let's roast this guy. And I remember as a kid being like, I think he probably, I was so confused as to why he didn't go to prison. I guess I don't know what the legality is of like being like, yo, I am straight up, paused up with AIDS and I'm not going to tell you about it. And we're going to have sex. I don't know a lawyer chime in. But I feel like I just, I remember thinking. Well, to be fair, he didn't give her AIDS. He gave her HIV.

The virus that leads to AIDS. Right. And anything can happen once you get HIV. It could turn into anything. How the hell that he knows going to turn into AIDS? Girl. Girl, you know how many bitches I got on my phone? They got HIV and don't got AIDS.

Yeah, sometimes it just don't turn into nothing. They don't even got a single letter in common. Yeah. Dude, I love the HIV commercials when it's like... And by the way, and that's because I spell AIDS with an E. AED AED. Auto extra disorder.

Always every day Syndrome Destroy. A. AEDD. A D-D-D-D. I got ASDF. I got keyboard syndrome.

Bitch. Sir, you're on trial for knowingly giving AIDS to a woman without telling her that you have AIDS. Yeah. Yeah, I did to a white bitch. Charlie Chinson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I gave a white bitch AIDS. Yeah, who gives a fuck about them. Yeah, two and, uh, two and a half AIDS, more like. Two and a half minutes until you get AIDS. Two and a half men and all three of the guys have AIDS. Two and a half men with AIDS. Yeah, how about you, in two and a half minute, you finna have AIDS.

There you go. We made it work. It took us a little while to get there. That's all right. Yeah, two and a half minutes, you're going to have AIDS. I got the accelerated version, baby girl. Yeah. I think it was a weird thing in culture.

It was a weird moment where, like, people, it would, the new, he would go on, like, interviews and stuff to be like, oh, wild and crazy guy. And he was like, uh, winning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was, it was like epic. Um, but I, I don't know. It's like, you're like, no, I think you were just, if you were anybody else, somebody would have shot you.

Like, if you just worked, if you were just like a truck driver, like, and you were just giving, uh, people's, uh, daughters and wives and stuff, AIDS and like herpes and stuff and like doing cocaine and like, crashing your car and people's eyes somebody would just shoot you in the chest with a pistol

they wouldn't like you know I guess what I'm I mean it's a very it's not a novel observation it was celebrity

buys you so much um and also magic Johnson's AIDS was like oh look at this man he powered through it whereas I feel like

they didn't do that with Charlie Shee and they were like yo and he's got AIDS too I don't think that's a real Magic Johnson if you look at his head I think that's a basketball

How did he get AIDS? Was it from fucking women of the night? He was having huge orgies. Okay, that's right. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah, yeah. And, hey, if there were...

I'll be honest. I think it's weirder to have giant orgies with all women. If you're gonna fuck 15, if you're gonna fuck 15 people in a day. Yeah. You know? I don't, I've never, that idea, personally, I'm not trying to yuck nobody's yum. But that idea... Being addicted to...

Boning? Validation. Oh. I think you just want to be the most desired man. No, I get that. Also, it does feel good to probably... It probably feels amazing to have sex 15 times in a day. If you are doing millionaire drugs...

Yeah, yeah. Like, the good... Yeah, there's, like, stuff to make your penis... Fucking rock solid. Yeah, yeah. Because for me, I think even... um you know probably get to the second you know you 15 beautiful ladies have done an awesome job but

you other 13 are great uh thanks for showing up i will um i will need a 12 hour recharge here at least got to watch a couple episodes of king of the hill and smoke joint um and um and go to sleep for a long time and maybe in a couple days a few of y'all can come back it's going to be a week to be honest I've paid for a lot of lobster for you guys to all come hang out over

here I think maybe next time we slim it down the selection a little bit yeah I did so I did put the buffet out in my mind I'm not going to lie to you guys I just got famous in my mind what was going to happen is we were all going to have sex

a whole lot of us all bunch of of us and we were going to eat this seafood boil we were going to have champagne I don't know I was getting carried away whatever I just realized I'm not in love with you guys I just realized yeah I don't a lot of you guys talk a lot about

basically you don't basically I hate all of you and the longer that I sit in this room with you the more that I think about blowing the house up and so yeah I'm going to need you guys to get out of here post-haste I was sorry I was going to say the idea um you're looking at your phone pictures of guys's butts no is this white

guy saying inward on the news oh you're still watching that video that you sent me like an hour yeah yeah i respect that the idea of group sex is like it never really it never i mean the idea of it's sober is harrowing um i think that you know it makes sense under certain circumstances but also i mean i don't know not me i I mean, no, like, I get how people get into the mindset. I understand how it happens. I've never been a part of it. And I feel okay about that.

Me too. When I was like, I was in high school, I was like, yeah, I'll do something. I'm going to have a fucking do something. I'm going to be fucking dent bond, cool guy. Yeah, I thought orgies were going to be a much bigger part of my life. Yeah, I thought that was something I needed to prepare for. And then I think I've been at a party where one happened. said yeah people are fucking as a group here that's disgusting i've been drinking beer all night

same yeah yeah yeah i've had nine beers i'm not gonna go yeah i think it was like like this is a barn adjacent setting yeah this is not we're at the nastiest house that i have never been less horny in my life i've had 18 cigarettes half a gram of cocaine and 14 course banquets you could not pay me to fuck you can i just realized i'm drunk in fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having a disgusting body, it makes you an origin is the worst case scenario.

It closes a lot of doors. It really makes a woman who loves you the best case scenario. The woman who loves you is always amazing to matter what. But first thing unless she's Ava Braun. Yeah.

Nightmare. Even Braun has fallen in love with you. I did. I'm stuck on that like maybe it's because I like watched I started watching porn too earlier or something but like I did think that I really did think is like when I was in like sixth grade like that yeah like there I in my mind maybe like an orgy twice a year that was something when I was like 11 I was like yeah I probably going to be doing a lot of that I'm going to schedule.

I'm going to have to move some things around, probably. And then, yeah, to your point, too, like, I was at a party where, yeah, I don't think, I wouldn't call it to Orgy. I think it was, like, five people. That's definitely an Orgy. That's, like, to me, that's, like, I think there's a, I don't know what number separates group sex from Orgy. I think it's probably four.

You're probably right. I feel like five is two. Yeah, but anyway, I was like. No longer. A six person could get involved without that being, without that dynamic changing. lot. Yeah, I remember thinking it's the same thing you. I was like, when I heard about, I was like outside smoking a cigarette and they're like

so-and-so's in there and they're like, they're both fucking and then like another girl join in. And it was like, oh, huh. Yeah, I'm about to throw up. Like, on the way here, I stopped at Laredo, the taco place that's attached to the Valero and I housed like four gas station

barbecoa tacos. I drank a tall boy on the way here. And I was, and I've been going on my car to do cocaine. So I have the kind of poop in my body right now that's like also probably could corrode like a tungsten rod. Yeah. It's like the shit that John Wayne died with his body.

Yeah. Like I have the kind of shit in my body that could like melt galvanized steel. Like not that I would get invited to the, you know, to the orgy, but the idea that one presents itself ever when I was in my early 18s, early 20s. And I was in a party setting. I was never, I always had diarrhea And I always was like I had cuts, you know what I mean?

Like I was like from work, I just had like Either it was in kitchen or construction It's like I had like something on my body was bleeding like a sore That's like So you're fat, you're drunk, you have diarrhea And you're bleeding Unless you're a pirate That's not really like orgy level health bars

It's a way I'm gay I'm bleeding right now It's a way, oh dude I heard a turn I was watching interior motives that new podcast with Ben Yeah he like goes through Yeah he had Courtney Love on with Ivy And they used a term I had never heard before And I think I can say it

But I'm not 100% sure So if I can't I want to say it the one time You guys tell me I can't say it I stragg it I did not know I never heard that term of my life Ever They were like this is a straggets room

And I was like What the fuck is that? I at context clues I was like okay in my mind that means gay for pussy which we already had a turn and a phrase for that which is that gay for pussy I didn't know that they had shortened it

to an even more potentially offensive what is it a portminto when two words are combined yeah I'd heard it before I think it's their thing you think it's their thing not that you can't not that you can't say it it's just like it feels weird coming out of my mouth it's just kind of whack yeah I'm with you

it's like it's one of those things that Ivy Wolk can sound chill when she says but there's a lot of things that she says if I said it would be like Courtney Love said it and it just rolled off the tongue like when a white dude from South Carolina she's fucked more gay guys than anybody yeah that's what I'm saying like when you see the video of the white says it's positive way right right like you see the video of the dude from Florida and he's like saying the soft day and you're like the white guy and you're like I don't like it but he is in a room full of black dudes

and they are not sometimes you just get it I feel like I I'm starting to learn my place in the universe you know what I mean to where I can get away with code switching a little bit and that's That's all I can get away with. Yeah, I'll code switch a little bit. Yeah. I only really do it to make a, because I have such a glaringly white presence that I do make black people uncomfortable with how white I am. Especially if I try to consciously not code switch.

It feels like I'm making an enemy out of myself. Yes. I was, that's so weird you say that. I was just thinking about this earlier. Because I was at the green room the other day and I recognized that I had code switched a little bit and I was like an internal thing. And I was thinking about it today, like over analyzing it. And I was like, in the moments where I try not to, it's very, I make it worse. Yeah, you make it an awkward moment.

Yeah. Where they're like, what's good? And I'm like, hey, how are you? What, you know what I mean? Like, it's like you, you were given the door was open for you to be like, I'm good. What's up? What's up was you? Like, you were given the door was open.

And then instead of opening the door like, hey, what's good? Nah, I'm straight. How are you? You said, hey, how's it going? Hey, how are you? Hello. Yeah. Well, hey there.

Hey, a black friend of mine Hey, they're a black fellow Oh shit Hey, black fella Oh darn Yeah, yeah Oh, rats Almost got

How are you How are you blacking? Ah shit Ah, black, black Nice black face Yeah, Anyway, I won't say it again

But it was just a term That I had never heard before And I And I, Through deduction and research I came to the conclusion That it does, It does,

It can, It doesn't always mean But it can mean Gay for Pussy And yeah, anyway, it was just, I always feel like Was like metrosexual back in the day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like, what is it?

Well, no, no, no, no, no. Metrosexual can just mean a guy who like takes care of himself and gets laid a lot from that. And maybe he like wears an earring in the early 2000 dangly. Crazy thing to do in 2005. Gay for Pussy is like 2016. DVee Nick. No, gay for pussy is like 2016 painting your nails like

Choker, maybe. Like, what else? Are guys still doing that? I don't really see that happening that much anymore. They are, and I only know this. I won't say it's my brother's generation or yours, but there are guys that are my age that never stopped doing that. There are guys in their late 20s, early 30s.

That worked really well for them in like 2018. and time kind of moved forward as it tends to do. Yeah. And they got a lot of pussy off of that a decade ago. I'll meet dudes in bands. I'll go on tour or whatever. I'll play show with a dude who's like my age. Fingernails painted, choker on.

And I'm not saying you can't live your truth or be whatever you want to be. I'm not saying that. I'm saying do whatever the fuck you want. But I also know like that what's that line from The Walking Dead? a meme, I know what you are. Like whenever I know what it is when I see it. I know what it is. And yeah, there's a cut.

There's some guys who are cruising off that for a while at 105. And speed limit hit. They got caught in a speed trap, which is just time. And they're not really, the hair's a little thinner. The choker, there's a little bit of fat spilling over it now. The painted nails are chipped. You know what I mean? And also the hands are a little bit worn.

more worn so it just feels you know what I mean it doesn't it doesn't feel as punk rock it feels like uh please have a seat for a moment like it feels like that and you can take that to me whatever you want you know what I mean

um do you think that Chris Hansen has ever had an intrusive thought where he tells the guy to sit down and he thinks what if I just sat there and fucking stradled him right now and fucking grabbed his balls while I was doing it and I just fucking put his dick in my butt I'm going to go with, yeah, I think he probably 100% has thought about that,

but he can't because of production costs and legal fees, he probably doesn't do it. You thought you're getting a fucking underage girl today. Now you have to fuck an old manor you go to prison forever. Yeah, what if that was the ultimatum? Like after all the evidence was shown, all the chats. Does Suck Chris Hanson's dick, or you get a petophile jail? No, I've got a deal for you. Now, you know, no, stay seated.

I have a deal for you. It's going to sound crazy, but I think if you think it over, you might come to the right conclusion. There's an entire SWAT team sitting in the bushes outside of this house. Yeah, outside of the decoy house. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Put, keep your clothes off. You don't have to put your shoes on.

It's fine. I can take this to the police. We can charge you with possession of child pornography. We can charge you with, uh, uh, uh, intent, uh, sexual activity with a minor. Or right now you can pull out that big ass, greasy-ass tootiers and put it somewhere, you know, in or on me for at least half an hour, preferably the full hour. Your choice.

And if you come really fast, we have to go again. Yeah, you really can't. And you have to do aftercare for me. Yeah, you have to watch a French film after. Yeah, we have to watch Amelie and we have to send each other reels. Afterwards. Yeah, yeah. All right.

clearly you've walked into my trap I want you to sit down and listen I know you came here to fuck a child I want you to go home tonight and think about what you've done because next time if it's somebody who's not gracious like me right

you could face major consequences now I'm trusting you that this won't happen again and you'll never talk to another minor online again yeah yeah and what am I going to do to keep track of you, nothing, because I know your word is good. Your word is bonded.

I know you're a good man. I know you're not going to do this again. You're not going to leave the same. So here is $2,500. And a brand new computer. And a brand new computer. With a VPN. That's just for you.

That's... And I'm going to send you on your way. Oh. But it looks like you walked here. You better take the keys of this Mustang. Yeah. Congratulations, man. You did the right thing.

and the girl is in the passenger seat. Do you, did you ever see the one, the reason that they stopped doing the show for a while? I've watched, I've watched the episode probably, I won't say hundreds of exaggeration. I probably watched it over ten times. It's the one with that guy Vincent Ambrosia, which is his real name. He's about 400 pounds and he shows up in like a duster with like a Farrell hat on. And he like walks in and like he locks eyes with a deep. decoy and she

there was something in his eyes and she was just like I have to go get something just one second and Chris Hansen comes out and he goes and just fatly sits the fuck down and takes his head off

and was like I fuck I knew it I knew it I just I gotta be honest with you I've just had so much going on in my lot and like he starts telling this sob story

like Chris Hansen doesn't even get to do the monologue he's just like you know my parents man it's like and he's doing this like sad sob story and he's

And it is pretty sad, but he's doing it dressed like Darkwing Duck. And he's like 500 pounds. And his name is Vincent Ambrosia. Just go online. Vincent Ambrosia to catch a predator. I thought it was a guy who blew his head off. I thought that guy. No, they got off CBS and they went to like a web series version after that.

No, no, no. They didn't stop. They got off cable when the guy went outside, walked back to his house and blew his fucking head off. Yeah, they got off cable for that one. But they were doing like a web show. for a little while and they stopped doing it because Vincent Ambrosia I don't know if remember if like

he literally pulled on the heartstrings of the viewers to the point where they're like oh so this guy might be like he might be disabled he was it's we were we talked about it a bunch in the show but it's like when the pedophile hunters knock on the guy's door and the guy's like hello and you're like okay like it was one of those situations where it's like all right like obviously this guy needs to be somewhere not around human beings and he needs never use a computer again, but I think he might not

know what's happening. We need to get him in the military. That happens a ton. That happens like so much. Yeah. Dude. Never mind. I don't want to cut you up. Girl, let me get you an M16. You are going to Iraq right now. Ad read, ad read, ad read.

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Hems.com slash Pt. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Saldanafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietris Specialty LLC. Hems.com is not affiliated or endorsed by Vietris Specialty LLC. All of my friends that went to the Marines, the shit that they tell me about and they were both

I guess like infantry whatever whatever the fuck is when you like shoot a guy who joins infantry because he's a pet of oh yeah I'm looking forward to it like in the desert like wait a minute where the hell you guys are all grownups you guys are going to parachute into candahar

and we've got a we got a HVT high value target somewhere out in the mountains Hold on it. You guys, how old are you? 22. God, what the fuck says? What's down there? The Taliban soldier?

Jesus, fucking. Now, what are they? Talah what? What age range are we talking? They're fighting age. So, like, 12? No, 25 and up. Fuck.

Jesus Christ. We're doing a halo jump here. Anyway. Yeah, shit they would tell me. I'm like, there's just really shout out to Jasper Craven I listened to his episode of Truonon

and I intend to buy his book but he was talking about he wrote this book about how like the military as an institution is a place and this is what I've heard from my friends who are in every branch but especially the Marines Navy and Army Military is a place where like

you cannot be gay but you're going to to do and see the gayest stuff, like, humanly possible? Like, you're going to see guys, like, you might see a guy jack off another guy. Like, there's going to be a lot of dildos and a lot of, like, pranks. And the prank might be a guy just has sex with another. Like, it might be the guy sucks another guy's, they get a ha ha. But it's not a place where, you know, you really, you can't really, you can legally be openly gay. Don't ask, don't tell, whatever the fuck.

But I think they repealed that, like, they did, yeah. They did, yeah. Eight or something. Yeah. Well, no, they, they, Barack made it legal. And then I think Hegseth through a bunch of weird, uh,

like, smaller laws kind of made it to where it's not really something you should be doing. And I don't mean, like, morally speaking, like, it's probably not a good thing. To be like, I'm a gay guy and I'm in the army. Anyway. I know that, I know that they made it like, uh, they kicked all the trans people. or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember my buddy,

Damo telling me that, um, now there's an unrelated video. If you are, if you are, you know, if you do think trans people are dangerous,

then shouldn't they all be working for the government? I think, I think a lot of them end up working, like in space and stuff. Space. Seems like there's a lot of

furries and trans people who work with rockets. It's, Because they're smart. Yeah, that's a good point. They always end up being like super geniuses and shit. Yeah.

Maybe the smartest thing you can do is bang an animal. And that's on phone him. And that's on phone him. Yeah. That's on five. No, it's actually stupid as fuck to do that. They're actually got creatures.

No, but it's fun to, I don't care about, furries are not on my harm radar anymore. I'm not harming them. One of the funniest things you've ever said, to me ever I still laugh about it to this day we were talking about it on a video episode when you're talking about

that girl that went viral for like fucking her dog and then like but like not hiding it she was like I love to do it and he loves it and she had to go to jail and he were like dude imagine being that dog it probably feels awesome dude I talk about it all the time and people stand-up crowds do not like hearing me talk

about that you like you're like you like you get to fucking human lady You just have to eat cable And then Yeah But you get to eat Fucking human food after Probably

She gives you mac and cheese You've been eating cable And fucking dog pussy Your whole life Like human pussy Probably feels so good for a dog And there's so much of it It's so

Big compared to dogs Oh my god And then the one way That you can fuck Is like This horrible girl's Favorite way Or whatever

Yeah Yeah Yeah, yeah. And I remember in the video, it looked like he was holding the camera, too. That always made me laugh. Like he had his paw up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to think about the video. Guys, I saw it on accident. I was like scrolling Twitter. Yeah, somebody showed me in middle school or whatever. I'm thinking of the one. They showed me on my phone. Right when Twitter, they showed me and saved it to my phone. Right when Twitter first became Wild West, it was.

just on the feed. It's still Wild West, like, pretty bad, but right when Elon took over, I was like, yo, uh-uh, what? And I, like, reported the account. And then I got an email that was like, we didn't find anything wrong with your report. You didn't find anything wrong with a fucking video, a video of a girl of the sex with an animal. You didn't find anything fucking nothing. That didn't violate the TOS, you sick fuck.

Anyway. Yeah, I think she's in jail, and I don't think that anything that can be cured and she should be executed. And I also think, I want to go out and say this, people might say, well, Jake, you just took a pretty neutral stance on mentally disabled pedophiles. Listen. Unless they're in Congress. Right, yeah.

Then they can give them a bunch of money and a... They kind of sounded like a smooch and then a shot. It's kind of... My mouth, I don't know what's going on with it. I couldn't really do anything I wanted to there. I actually punched myself in the face today. Oh, nice. Like, and it made me think, like, man, I had not been punched in the face in a while

because that actually really fucking hurt. Just got a little bruise from it. I remember thinking, I've been a real dig to people last few years. I haven't been punched in the face in a while. I kind of remembered. It doesn't feel great. Really hurts. And then also,

I could be punching people pretty gently in the face It'd still hurt really bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Just we got big hands. It's really just cheat code just hit people in the face and it hurts their face when you hit it. Yeah. Mine are real bony and kind of big. So it's like, it's like,

it's like, mine are all like, I think mine are just full of water from having too much salt. I don't think there's much structure there. It's just sort of like a, they would definitely float in an emergency situation.

I don't know. Some guys, like, guys like you, like, heavy hands, I think is a real thing. Like, it's like guys like you and my buddy Chad, like, Chad, like, I watched Chad punch, my buddy Chad punch a dude, one punch and the guy, like, went to sleep. And I was like, I'll never, and he doesn't even know how to fight. He just works on JDMs and fucking drinks blown star all day. He's just not even a guy who took one class. I think some guys just have it.

Like, they just had, like, no training, nothing. They just got it. And, uh, because like, even in fights that I've done or sparring that I've had, like, I've rocked people. I dropped one dude pretty good. Wait, like, and when I was in my 20s and I was working out a lot. But, like, I don't do it that often. And then you see videos that guys just touch, touch, you're like, oh, yeah, God, the devil or the God gave him that. It's kind of, it's fucked up when a piece of shit that you know can do that.

It's not really, like, I'm, I'm, I'm cool with dudes who can do it. I've got a friend who, his favorite thing to do from, like, 2010 to probably really like a year ago, was to go out drinking, sometimes I'll be with him, and to just knock a guy clean the fuck out in the bathroom. For pretty much no, there would be nothing that would necessitate this. There's nothing that he was just accidentally bump into somebody. The guy would be like, yo. And then before the guy could be like, hey, I'm sorry, or be like, yo, what's up? Before there was even an option, he would just knock to do clean alcohol.

Yeah. Same guy who I told you, by the way, made a ton of money. off of the AMC run. Yeah, that sounds right. And then Robin, he showed me his Robin Hood account and was like, I'll give you 20 grand, I never do a podcast and shut up for the rest of your life.

Anyway, he's an awesome guy. He just has it, dude. He's just, he's just a dude from Louisiana who was a fucking lineman, not a defensive, like he worked on power lines, and that's it.

You know what I mean? He's just one hit or quitter. It's cool. There was a guy, I didn't really know him well, but we were friendly who actually had like a viral world star video when we were in high school, I believe. And this was before I met him, but basically in the video,

he's wearing slides and he's holding a beer in his right hand, I believe. And a guy comes up to attack him, and without spilling any of the beer, he knocks him out with a jab. Oh, okay. Maybe I know what you're talking about. Maybe. Yeah, just a corn-fed white boy. Yeah. The corn-fed white boy World Star videos are, in my opinion,

among the most scary to watch because any knockout video on concrete makes me... For me, it's a relief because it's the only World Star videos in which white guys are not saying the N-word. They are saying them and some of them, but... Yeah, yeah, I was going to say, careful. Careful with that one.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that, but, dude, my favorite fight videos are two corn-fed white boys, both, not corn-fed, not suburb pretending to be black or inner-city white growing up around people saying it. Two corn-fed white guys

both calling each other the soft day while they're talking shit before the fight starts. That is among, that's theater to me. Two dudes who probably don't like black people, sometimes before the fight, they'll turn their hats backwards.

And they'll pull their pants up and they'll be like, What's up? Like, I don't, this is something that I'm not smart enough to articulate in a way that won't upset people. So I'm just going to say it the best that I can. I don't know what possesses some racist people, men, to when they get mad,

they adopt, uh, I guess they adopt like a black scent. Or they adopt certain, or just calling each other the N word. Like what, like what is that? Because it'll be,

it'll be, you're being mad and you have a really white voice sucks so bad. That is, wow, that is really true. That is very true. Yeah, because I've been there and my voice cracked. Yeah, that's very true. And it was a really tough situation for me, self-esteem-wise. Yeah.

Even though I kind of like, you know, well, no, it wasn't. I didn't really look cool at the end of it now because I tried to run away from the police. And I tried to jump over a fence and just fell on to the other side. cut my hand open on barbed wire. Very cool. This is actually in hindsight, it wasn't really very cool because it was kind of out of breath

immediately as soon as I started running and the cop was like 300 pounds and caught up to me so. Not really. Usually when you hear somebody ran from the cops you kind of think of like a sort of like in a movie where like you're on rooftops and stuff and you go through alleys and

no this was like this was like from the driveway from the mailbox back to the front door this type of situation. 30 yards. Yeah, not a strong performance by me. The only times... I don't think I've ever done anything cool

in a textbook way. I don't think I've ever done anything that... I'm trying to think. At least like from a... I guess if you do something cool that's from a movie, you're probably living a really stupid life.

Like if you actually run in and save somebody in a burning building, you're actually a huge pussy because there's firefighters who, that's their job. And if you steal their job, like, you're a horrible, you're anti-union. Yeah. Yeah. I would never save anybody in a burning building. I say that's what we fucking pay firefighters for and support them for for 9-11 and stuff. Dude, one of my dad's friends, like lifelong childhood friends, I've known my whole life.

He was a fire chief. and he used to drive the fire truck down the road and like bar and go hello whatever the fuck and he was telling me he was like yeah once you make fire chief you don't got to go into any more fires and as a kid I was like in my mind

in my kid's mind I was like fire chief means you basically are a wizard and you go into the house that's on a fire and you're so good at fighting fires that like literally the house once the fire Yeah, once the fire chief shows up, that'll heal the fire. Right, the fire goes out in your presence.

So you can get fire firefighters, or if you bring the fire chief, he can do it by himself. Yeah, yeah. If you have the, but the fire has to be big to necessitate the chief. The chief doesn't just show up to any old housework. He's asleep all day, and he goes down the pole to wake up. Upside down. Yeah. He goes down, they're fucking dead first. Yeah, the Dalmatians wake him up when it's really bad.

That's another thing. I was like, you guys got a Dalmatian? He goes, fuck, no. I have no damn dog around my station. And I was like, what happened? Did you sell it? And he was like, that's the only from the movie, son. That ain't from fucking, that ain't real life.

What do you think we just have a goddamn dog? We have one big dog with a human pussy, and we fuck it. Is that what you wanted it here? And we found it after 9-11. He would say some shit like that. It was found in the wreckage, and it had a human pussy, and we kept it covering a scar tissue. Might be a human woman now that we think about it. He was in my, bro, he was in my dad's celebration of life, this guy.

And, like, my mom was, my mom was obviously, like, was with my dad for a little while, and so she knows a lot. And, you know, that was her ex-husband, what other fuck? So she knows a lot. But this guy got pissed drunk, and we were all sharing stories about my dad or whatever. And my mom's in the room. And also, this was a long time ago. Like, all of her, like, partying and whatever stuff that she did, like, she's a, like,

she's a she's like a devout woman of god these days or whatever and uh he was like yeah you know man god i remember this time y'all know that's sin of mark over there red bluff and i was like yeah i'm like this was you know we're all drunk i man this is three years ago like yeah he's like me and you're daddy she we take my dad's old square body truck we take our girlfriends over there and we go in the movies we'd sneak you in the movies and we'd uh would go you know do an all-day movie thing and and we just fuck our girlfriends, movie theaters together, and just ride home and truck after, go out to the field and get drunk.

And everybody, like, my brother's there, like my little brother's there. Like, they're fucking, they're family friends who, like, knew about my dad, but, like, they didn't sign, these are people who have, like, normal jobs.

They drink one beer per year. They're, like, you know, they just don't, you know, there was everybody was there. And so he's like, yeah, he would just be, he would say some shit like, like, yeah, you know,

I watched your dad fucking kick a dog so hard to stop moving. You know what I mean? He was that kind of guy. A dog was barking too loud at him. He just kick it right in the head. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, man, he was awesome. He's like, I wouldn't call him an old pervert.

He is. But like, from that era and at that time, if you were a pervert in the 60s, you had to be a real nasty motherfucker. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you had to be up to some nefarious shit for someone to call you a pervert in like 1979. You know, you had to be doing, like, Jimmy. Even Jimmy Saville got to meet the queen.

You know what I mean? Like, the kind of shit you'd have to get up to or whatever. Anyway. So I guess what I mean to say is he wasn't that. He wasn't a prolific pedophile. He was just, he listened to Pantera. And he made, like, compared to Jimmy Saville, he wasn't that bad. Right.

Yeah. One of the most, like, five evil people. Yeah, with the most, probably like, probably like, dude, when I, uh, the depths of his, the depth of his crimes. Like. I really thought I watched that, there's a couple documentaries on him.

I watched one and I was like, yo, the England is not beating the like, we're all pedophiles allegations at all. They let this guy, like, they knew what he was doing and they let him like into the castle.

Now, like he has pictures with like Margaret Thatcher and shit and fucking, whatever the fucking name was. So they all, everybody knew basically? Yeah, dude,

yes. What's funny is, on BBC in like 1977 when the sex pistols were real big Johnny Rotten who's a cocksucker whatever now but he was like 19 at the time and uh...

interviewer was like you know to be so young but to be so famous you know is there anybody you'd be nervous to meet is there anybody that and he was like I'd like to get a hold of Jimmy Saville punched his fucking teeth in and they were like oh you shouldn't say such nasty things on the telly

and he was like we all know what type of seediness that man's up anyway he just like called out Saville on the TV in like 77. This is fucking 50 years ago, you know? And they like cut it from the air, but you can go and watch it, watch it. Like, it's on YouTube. They like cut it from the broadcast, but it was like somebody saved the clip or whatever. It was just kind of like, everybody knew what he was doing.

The whole country knew. But it's like if you found out that Steve from Blue's Clues was just straight up, like when he was in his heyday, a little bit before your time, if he was just straight up being an absolute nasty, no-good, nasty little bug to the children of the world. Oh, girl. Bye. And people didn't care because he's fucking Steve from Blue's. Yeah. They're just down there sucking his cock with all the other people.

The dogs? The little blue dog. Yeah, I don't know, man. Who gives a shit anymore? When they started making the pepper and salt talking, they had a kid named Paprika, I checked out. I was 26. I said, I can't handle the shit anymore. I'm too old for this.

I'm too old. I don't play baby games no more. I can't. Oh, paprika? No, not me. Paprika? Paprika. Y'all got a damn child. The fuck is this?

What the fuck is paprika? Make it a fucking words. When they introduced that bitch, I do remember, I'm not, not even joking. I was a blues-close kid. But they introduced paprika, and I was like, get the fuck out of here with this. I'm out. I'm too grown for this. You're like, they got to add a black woman that fucking everything.

that was. Paprika. No, it was a baby. It was a little babies. This is how the name sounds. Oh, I missed the joke. Fuck. Yeah, let's try again. Yeah, paprika.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I can't blot, black one of anything because I'm racist. I'm just there. Anyway, whatever. Do I've had this new computer for like three days? Yeah, I'm paprika and American. Because I'm spicy white. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm red. I'm red. I'm red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red. Nick, remember that song? Yes, Sheldon. Yeah, of course. Dude, the boys down here, don't...

Rolls, he's a supertin' called. He puts into bootstom. And they bootstom all night. That's right. What a fucking... God, he should be hanged. Dude, the one that's been getting me is it Luke Combs? Climb tree.

Drink beer. Yeah. Fish hang. Outdoors dirt hat. Like, dude, get the fucking. like, what are you, and his music video? Like, where he's just sitting in a fucking lawn chair, like, casting out, and he's doing, like, rapping. He's like, he's not throwing rakes, but he is doing, like, rap guy hands, and he's like,

Deer Stan, Tall Man, Drink House, Dog Boy, eat fish, cook deer. And I'm like, dude, wouldn't it be cool in the middle of this shooting? And all the camera guys, the lights are on him, and he's doing the thing, his head would turn to do a beautiful pink mist for me. 650 yards out, Barrett 50 Cal. Zeroed. Zeroed into fucking, like beyond God's mathematics

what is humanly possible to zero a rifle. I'm fucking bullseye from Netflix. Drink beer. Tall, do you hear the... He's my number one candidate for getting schizophrenia right now.

Hurting, killing, tracking, exploding, tracking me, hurting, they're in my phone. GPS, signal, outlet, tracking chip, skin off.

5G, killing me, tracking me at the hospital. Bugs in, my eyes, bugs on my legs, kill girl, kill wife, kill son, explode house. Yeah, that would be. Play a little song on the radio in there telling me to kill my wife. Play a little song on the radio and told me to blow my house. Watching old Ed Griffith reruns, and he's telling me to kill my wife. I'm begging you, friend. Don't let me kill my whole family.

Don't let me blow my... No, I can't fuck with Johnny Paycheck. He's actually good. Who else sucks ass? Keith Urban. I don't even know any of his. fucking teens. Yeah, anyway, that song's fucking ass, but I can't believe...

What are the actual lyrics? Because we're exaggerating for the sake of the joke. Luke Bryan climbed new song... What's the new song called? Fish Hunt Golf Drink. Suck my fucking penis from scratch, dude. What are this... All right, if...

All right, all right, here it goes. If it wasn't for the tax man, wasn't for the bills. if it wasn't for the trafficking my windshield. If it wasn't always somewhere to be and my life was really up to me. If I could have it my own way, you know, let me tell you how every day would go. Wake up. Coffee, camo.

Climb tree, wet line. 18. Side note, you probably could have put 18 down further, not next to wetline. Just as from a writer's standpoint, musician, wetline and 18 do not need to be going together if you're not giving context to what's, happening anyway let's start over wake up coffee camo climb tree wet line 18 fish hunt golf drink

all fall all spring all summer long i'll be living it up and living it on a country boys dream fish hunt golf drink first of all opening up it wasn't for the tax man wasn't for the bills you have not worried about either of those things in fucking probably 20 years. Second of all, Hey man, Thomas, let me ask you a question, and I fucking mean this. Do you think that there are people, do you think there are people that listen to this and they go, yeah, 100%. Like, they agree with it and they liked a song a lot? Yep.

Facebook people. North Texas. Yeah, you're from North Texas. There's probably a fuck ton of people who listen to it. Oh, man. can't. I just got my new fucking, I just got the new F-150. You see the new F-150 that came

out? I just got it, man. Brand new F-150, man. Listen to his new Luke... What's it? It's not Luke Combs, is it? Luke Combs. Luke Combs? It's Luke Bryan. Luke Bryan. Because Luke Combs is... He's younger. He's got a different one, yeah, yeah.

Hold on. The second verse, don't make a goddamn lick of sense. Well, I ain't breaking 80, but I'm pretty damn close. Can't shoot a boon and crock it if you never get to go. He's talking about golf. No, I know that. The first two lines I get, I want to fill me a good. That's what it says.

I want to feel me a good. And when I set the hook, kick a hangover, kicking in the woods when I wake up coffee, camo, climb trees, so on and so forth. I think it's a fishing thing with the, I think he's doing fishing lingo for that one. Set the hook, I get that. Feel me a good. Like, is that like a tug on the line? I don't give a fuck about fishing. Kick a hand.

over kicking in the woods what the fuck does that mean he's he's hung over and he's kicking in the woods he's kicking his wife in the woods that's guilt he drug her out behind the house in the woods is kicking the shit out of her huh kill wife swimming pool sharpen knife kick son camo gun kill son kill wife kill daughter all I yeah all I wanted to is Sharpen gun Shoot knife Eat food Black rice

Kill friends Kill wife Red blood Radio Red song Red blood Black eyes Red song

Sharp knife Loud head Loud head Loud life Dead house dead wife Yeah Luke Can we run that one back

This is a country song He talks about all this shit that he likes to do for 10 minutes and he None of it is like watching a good movie or he doesn't enjoy any particular kind of beer. No. He doesn't enjoy. He doesn't even mention a margarita. Well, also, I'm pretty sure. This guy who doesn't know how to have a good time.

No. And I want to say outside of touring and making dog shit, I'm pretty sure that's all that cocksucker probably does. Fish Hunt golf drink. That's probably it. Like, I understand the song is not for Mr. Luke. The song is for the listener of the song who has a hard job and has been probably kicked in the head by a horse won too many goddamn times. And so that's probably who the song is for

because they imagine a life where all they get to do is fish hunt golf drink. Fishing's okay. Not really much of a hunter. I fucking hate golf. I love beer. So my song will probably. would just be beer, beer, beer, beer. I'm open to golf if I'm drinking heavily,

and it's with people who I find fun. Yeah. I've never played it before, but I'm fine with driving around the golf cart. It's cool if you got a good group. I will say that I just suck at it. I'm fine with any of this stuff within a good social group, but I wouldn't enjoy most of it by myself.

I'm not a hunting guy. Not really a fishing guy. I don't really like putting the hook in the lip. I don't see. I don't like fishing. I like to hang out with fish. I'm not going to hurt them Too much nothing

I don't like you know me I'm a talker I don't like too much quiet So whenever I've gone fishing It's too quiet And there's nothing worse To go on fishing with somebody Who's a quiet person

And I understand Oh Jake Do you would be torturous if you went fishing with me You would have the worst time of your life Thomas we're very close friends You're a very good friend of mine Sometimes just driving in a car with you I feel attention, not from you, but for me, because I'm a yapper, you know.

Yeah. Like, dude, when we're two and a half hours in and I'm throwing lines out, not to bite off from Mr. Luke Bryan's song, but I'm like, yeah, it's a crazy bar last night and you're like, three hours in, we've got six more to go. And I'm like, dude, that guy last night at the bar is, he looked fucked up. I wonder if he drove home and he'd be like, nah, I ain't got a number. Love you, man. actually.

No, but sometimes it is, it is funny. I can always sense it from me and always makes me that. Oh yeah, dude, it's, it's,

I'd never, but I always be like, in my head, I'm like, yeah, I got, I got fucking nothing sometimes. But I feel like

every time we hang out, one of us has traveled a lot recently. So, well, also like, we talk every day and we do this every week. And we've been doing it every week.

It's like, it's like, you know, it's like what you're saying with your fucking, like, your girlfriend, your wife,

you know, whatever. It's like, nothing else is new. I mean, the show is funny because we do funny stuff on it. But like when we're hanging out, like I want everyone to know

that when we're hanging out, it's not usually this. Sometimes it is. Which is funny, because this wouldn't be that hard to maintain. No, it wouldn't at all. Outside of the podcast,

this is, this reads is about as close to a regular conversation. Yeah, it is. But it usually what happens is, not usually. I think we talk so much on recording that by the end of it,

both of us. Oh, actually not me. I could go forever. But, yeah, it is, it is funny. Yeah, I just have a bad, I have a bad social battery situation where I try to... No, no, I totally understand. Yeah. Ashley's like that too.

We're like, we'll be leaving a party. And like, if you were up to me, dude, I'd fucking... I, like, when I'm around people, I feel... When I'm around a lot of noise, I feel fine. It's quiet that fucking drives me crazy. And, uh... but her like when we go to ready to go home

sometimes I'm like you can go the bar she's like no I'm like she's like I kind of supposed to sit in the house I'm like ah I've had five beers five beers plus people noise down five beers

sitting alone in house noise very loud noise the loudest it's ever been you know what I mean uh like head noise static I feel like if I'm not a long if I don't have time of reflection

every day, I completely forget who I am. Fair, yeah. Immediately. Like, if I go to, if I go to parties two days in a row, day three, I'm like, I have like a different accent or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah, I feel like a, like if Shilabuff wasn't evil. Yeah, no, yeah, you know what I, yeah, you have no sense of yourself.

Yeah, where it's like, I'll get around people and I'm just like, wait, what does. Start talking like John Bernthal for some reason. Yeah, I don't know. I'm like, what is my deal? why did people invite me here? I will say, and I found this out about myself, I guess,

fairly recently, but I didn't, I went like a long time without drinking like two years ago. I didn't drink for like seven months. That's a long time for me. I drink for like six or seven months. And,

uh, I realized, um, I actually don't, all the stuff I just said, I don't like being around people sober. like at all like it's really hard for me to be around like a large group of people

in a social setting dead sober like when I was playing shows and doing sin at that time I would do my set and leave or I would play and leave and everybody would be like oh bro why you always like just play you always just do your shit and leave why don't you stay and hang and I'm like you guys are all my friends but I have like absolutely nothing to say there's nothing going on up here except fucking ah ah oh god

you know what I mean like And I don't mean that in a deep way, like, I'm twisted. I'm just like, ah, you know. Yeah, I get you, man. Anyway. Oh, my God, you know what? We had an ad read. That's fine.

Let me... I mean, we're still recording. Oh, yeah, we're done right now. Thanks for listening to the show, guys. I'll just pay... I'll record it and paste it. Thanks for listening to the show. Go to patreon.com slash Pendejo time.

and subscribe to the show, please. And, yeah, do that. Listen to drunk uncle. I don't have any shows coming up. Actually, that's not true. This Sunday, I'll be at the Velveter Room for cocktails and comedy. Come hang out if you want. Fun for the whole family, drinking and stand-up.

And then Monday, I'll be at the Ville for Powerbomb, which is at 8 p.m. Anything you, Thomas? Um, that's a secret. Okay. Yeah, totally fair. Goodbye. That's fine. Goodbye.

Oh, wait, hold on. Fuck. All right.