Pendejo Time - dreaded daquiri

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

heres another dad drink recipe for you sick  mother fuckers Support the Show.

Whoa, here he comes. Watch out, boy. You want to take a look at this kitty cat? Yeah, dude, uh, so... To the viewers at home, listeners at home, uh, Thomas has stolen his neighbor's cat. Uh... That is slightly incorrect.

Well, go ahead. I mean, you... You... You let... You feed it rotisserie chicken. I have not fed this thing rotisserie chicken. You told me in through text that it was addicted to rotisserie chicken. And you think that I am the one who took another man or woman's cat? I believe it's a couple. She doesn't run here.

You beckon her over here. You gave this. She doesn't run here. You beckon her over here. You have... You gave this... You... Cats are supposed to eat, like, kibble. Like, dog shit food their whole life. And you give it from Central Market. Those are $9...

Those are $9 rotisserie chickens. Those are the best rotisserie chickens on the market right now. And we're giving them to animals that per tom and jerry eat fish skeletons okay so regardless of what the cat's diet is it's not your cat it's your neighbor's cat somebody in your house names will not be said is feeding that cat high-dollar chickens, and now the cat is within camera view on your bed just straight chilling. I mean, it's – we're hanging out.

It doesn't even – you can't really pet it or it tries to bite you. Okay. It is true. Can you turn the gain off what do you mean can you turn the gain off it would it would come through your microphone can you turn it off on your microphone yes i i seem to be getting some interference yeah i hear i hear a tinny, kind of shrilly... No, I don't think you do. Yeah, so this cat's here. I have been taking care of it. I can't say that about everyone, but I know that I've been taking really good care of this cat.

So you haven't been feeding it rotisserie chickens, but you have been taking good care of it. I've been doing other things to help take care of it. Anytime I come in the house, I let it. It's a really pretty cat. I mean, it is like a cool looking, kind of like a. Dude, you don't have to say that. Yeah, it looks like a. It's a regular ass cat.

Yeah, I don't know. Which is fine. I like the long hair cats. They're cool. No, no, it's not a bad-looking cat. Yeah. It's not iridescent or anything, but, you know, it gets the job done. I'm not like a cat guy, but it is sick.

You're not a cat boy? No, not last I checked. Okay. But here's the thing, though. But here's the thing though You If you keep like You know Feeding the cat

Like lemon pepper chicken Whatever the fuck What about garlic chicken? I don't know if cats can have garlic You might be poisoning it So far it's fine I think So like if the neighbor's like Hey have you seen my cat?

And you have it She's seen Okay So I'll use this as As evidence For my case Alright so

Two days ago I receive a knock on my door As man of the house I answer. Right. And my neighbor is there, or her mom, actually. We have a nice little conversation, wonderful little lady. And I mention that there is a cat that keeps hanging out over here, no or anything right didn't know if it belonged to

anybody and she said yes it's my daughter's who who lives next door this isn't like a neighborhood cat where there's plausible deniability like oh no sorry a few blocks away you know i didn't see no i i see that cat go into their Their house. Yeah, it lives there. So what we're doing is we're creating a little diversion. We're feeding it better food, spending more time with this cat, because they have to work. Right. We're putting the work in,

and eventually we're going to steal this fucking cat. I guess. I wanted steal this fucking cat. I guess. I don't... I wanted to get a cat. Like, I'm not anti-cat. Okay. I don't care whether you think I'm anti-cat. I don't know why I said that like it's a...

Like I'm talking about abortion or something, but, uh... I was down to get two cats, actually. Because they need a friend. Apparently. They... I was down to get two cats, actually. Because they need a friend, apparently. I don't know if they fucking go rollerblading together or what, but they need to hang out with another cat, apparently. I don't know if you're setting yourself up. It seems like there's an unspoken agreement between you and the neighbor.

It would be very funny if at some point the cat, because of the chicken and the bed and whatever life it lives at your place, the cat's like, wow, this is way chiller than what I got going. Not to say that the other person. She was hanging out here all day. Okay. We're talking taking naps. Yeah.

When you take a nap in a stranger's home, you trust them. Yeah, she's fucking going to town on her own ass cheek. We thought this was a man cat. It's named Chopper in this house. Oh, okay. Chopper? In the other house, it's named either Bop, Bops, Bob, Bobs, maybe Bops went you said that one yeah i i wasn't i couldn't tell exactly and i didn't want to be like i can't understand you you speak english when you're saying your cat's name

all right you know like i was like yeah that's fine, that's fine. Sweet little lady. But, yeah. Now, for me, it's a cock-ass thing. Because you come into my home. You look at my HD Logitech webcam. And you start making judgments based on what you see. Right. You see that duvet?

Mm-hmm. you see. Right. You see that duvet? Mm-hmm. I do. Ve. That's Primo shit. Jake, for those at home, is sucking his microphone like a penis. How do you like that sound? Does it have a pop filter on it? No, I need to get one on there.

No, I haven't had one. Well, I mean, need that i need to get one on there i haven't i haven't no i haven't had one um well i mean dude i hope to get it it probably needs a damn poop filter on it the way you're talking to me right now respect wise yeah hello do you have you have my game. One of my trusted best friends in real life recently disclosed to me that he, you know, he said, Thomas, I think you're a funny guy. You know, obviously I value you as a friend. I heard that maid voice the first episode. It was kind of funny. Heard it a second time.

Didn't even give it a chance because I knew you were going to do it for like 25 episodes straight. Because that's how you do things. And I was like, you are not far off. Probably more than 25. There's a guy who I used to work with. If I see him out or he comes to a show or a band show or whatever, If I see him out or he comes to a show or a band show or whatever, he's been listening to this show consistently since the beginning.

Why do you guys do that voice all the time? Did you guys open this for me? People who can't see, Thomas is handing the pack of zen pouches to the cat who's cleaning itself uh damn thing can't do anything and he was like did you guys like work for somebody to talk like that and i was like no um i think we're just a little like it's not racist uh i don't think so i don't mean it in a malicious way. It's just very... It's past being funny. It's kind of soothing for me to do it.

Did you just break that? Yeah, I just had to break it. Couldn't get it to pop on both sides. Well, you know what? Jake considers himself a racist, and that's okay. For him to consider himself that. I don't believe he is. Kyle Rittenhouse is doing a lot of podcasts.

We should get him on. You know what? I don't want to discourage anyone from podcasting. I'll put it like that. About the most harmless thing you can do. Anyway, this cat, I think, I guess it's our cat now. I don't know what, is this like a custody thing at this point? I guess you'll just have to see how it plays out with the neighbor. I mean, from what you've told me thus far,

it seems like a pretty chill, unspoken thing. Like you're sharing the cat. She has another cat that's way nicer than this one. Oh, okay. Her mom was telling me she was like, I was about to like. Were you going to do the voice? No, I was going to like try and accurately mimic her voice.

And I was like, dude, you're not good enough at accents. You're going to do the other voice. Yeah, you're going to do, hello, accents you're gonna do the other voice yeah and i was gonna feel bad for two weeks so yeah she said uh he you know he doesn't like or she doesn't like playing right right right and i was like right she uh tried to bite somebody not somebody in his house i wish a motherfucker would try and bite me on my fingy. Bro, you get my fingy, dog? Dog, you touching my fingy right now? I'm going to pull out that fingy, dude. I'll tell you something that happened at the gym today.

Alright. I think this is somewhat relatable as a man, I would assume. So I'm walking down the hallway to the locker room. And I do this thing that I think a lot of guys probably do where I, like, I establish eye contact with most guys I walk by. Sure, yeah. And if there's, like, resistance there, like, I latch on to it. Okay.

Okay. Like, usually you just walk by, you know, make eye contact. You maybe do a little nod for some reason sometimes. Big homie nod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But if it's just, like, a stare.

Yeah. You can't just look away from that immediately. No. No. So I caught one of those. And, you know, i'm not a bitch you know i held my ground in that moment slight problem all right uh this dude was probably six foot four about 350 pounds uh large individual and uh anyway so i did that i'm walking in the locker i'm thinking whatever you know and then he walks back into the locker room he wasn't trying to threaten me

he wasn't he was just grabbing his gym bag but in that moment i thought curtains yeah you're just gonna get fucking broken in half man like this is a giant he was he was like the size of hagrid in the harry potter movies he was a fucking giant dude not probably not a mean guy i probably i just look kind of angry sometimes yeah um when i when i was a kid my dad when i would go visit him and i'm i mean kid like i'll probably like eight or nine uh just a little teeny baby really yeah we lived in uh like south houston pasadena area and uh he would always tell me he was like listen to me he would always tell me, he was like, listen to me, Mexicans stare at you, okay, Mexican men, the boys, men, don't matter, teenagers, they'll just look at you, my dad's racist, or kind of,

like halfway, quarter way, whatever the fuck, who knows, doesn't matter, he's like, them motherfuckers will stare at you like this, cannot look away do not look away it's like a man thing just don't you keep you stare at him back give him a fucking face too and i took that to heart because like i was at the age like right at like a few years after that i was like my dad's literally fucking mentally retarded so i'm just gonna stop taking his life advice but i took that to heart so we would like go to the movies And I would just like Oh I'm gonna beat him To the punch So I'm like Mugging grown men

Like I'm like They're fucking Eight or nine Eight or nine years old And my dad used to Take me to the gym With him

And I would like Play on the basketball Or whatever While he like Lifted or whatever And Of course I'm just Fucking staring at everybody this also

like i didn't just exclusively stare like at what my guy just it wasn't just reserved for like mexican dudes i'm fucking like you know i'm just fucking staring because my dad's like stare back don't fucking look away and again people like you said like some people just look they're just spacing out like especially at the gym you're tired yeah so i'm just fucking everyone is trying to focus at the same time yeah and so there was a one time we were at the gym and uh like on the way out my dad's like uh hey um you need to stop fucking staring at people and i was was like, you told me, like, a little while ago, like, if somebody stares at you, don't fucking look away, he was like, all right, I mean, you're gonna, he was like, there are times when you need, you know, you don't just fucking lock eyes with a motherfucker,

you know, especially like a woman, like, because I would just do, like, anybody, like, like, anybody, like a woman like because i would just do like anybody like like anybody kid adult man woman i was like because i thought it was like i was like oh fuck like yeah i think everybody has stuff like that that's funny though uh i remember back in the glory days uh this one kid used to beat me up at church every week on sunday that was fun anyway, my dad showed me how to make a fist. And so I'd practice it. I'd practice, you know, making the perfect fist, wrist straight, all that. I practiced it all the time. And I would just walk around with, like, fucking closed fists.

Now, this wasn't like, this wasn't like, like, if you do that now as a grown man, like, that's kind of. Yeah. That's a problem now. You have, like, autism. At the time, it was like, damn, this kid's, like, freaking out, probably. Yeah. But I would be in church, dude. I remember one time specifically when my dad was preaching and looked at me from the behind the podium thing.

Yeah, yeah. At me white knuckling at absolutely nothing and just, and then kept doing his thing. Just between me, I knew what it was. Nobody else noticed probably, but it was just one of those like, hey, don't be uh don't be doing don't be are you about to like fucking

start rushing out here rush the map into fucking deacons yeah yeah he uh yeah the staring thing he also like

my dad he he was like uh it was like one of those like drunken my dad would get shithoused and he'd be like people out here you know they fight dirty they don't fight one-on-one like men do you know they fight they they jump you they kick on you they'll stab you or whatever and i'm like what do you mean by people because it's just it's you know and they're the people had like a kind of a to it like it wasn't like fucking people people yeah yeah yeah yeah it wasn't like hey people sometimes stab you it's like people but anyway

so my dad was like you get to a certain age you know i'm junior high high school you didn't carry a roll of quarters in your pocket. A big one, half dollar. If you can find it. I'm like 13. I'm like, where the fuck do you find a roll of half dollar? I'm not going to go to the bank. You want to find some doubloons.

Heavy gold. Yeah. And he was like, he was telling me that like in junior high and high school, he was like, I used to walk around on the roll of quarters. Anytime you get jumped, he would like grab the roll of quarters and apparently it like just adds weight to your right hand and you just start like laying yeah you can like fuck people up yeah you can also break your hand so right right right but he he was just like all of this advice my i like grew up kind of quick because like it's like just around, like, 10, my dad was like, all right, street fighting, drinking, smoking.

That's basically what you're going to be doing because that's what I did. And I started around 9, so you're a year late. So, like, a lot of the advice that I was given by my dad was given, like, it's not bad advice to give, I think, from, like, one drunk dad to his son. It's just, it felt, like, way too early. Because I was, like, 10 and my dad's, like, world's full of fucking cheaters, liars, whores, fucking degenerates, depraved cocksuckers. Your dad's, like, XXXTentacion or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You will be punished. Yeah. You will be punished.

Yeah. You will know wrath. Yeah, my dad's doing, like, fucking Punisher monologue from the movie. And I'm, like, 10, and he's like, you know, the world's full of sick motherfuckers, dude. Sick cocksuckers out here. And if they think you're fucking weak, they will fucking steamroll you. And I'm like, dude, I'm in like fourth grade. And he's like, fourth grade is where it fucking starts.

I love that you were raised by like a regular Christian mom and then also like just the Joker. Yeah. Well, that was like, I think it like shows in the kind of person that I am fundamentally. Cause it's like, like, yeah, like my mom's advice was always like, you know, pray about it. And just, and you know, we talk through things. We don't, my mom was not a violent, you know? And then my dad's like, the world's fucking just broken. You impress a girl.

You got to kill a dog in front of her. He, uh, I think I've already talked about it my dad did ko one of my mom's dogs yeah you told me about that one that's so sick honestly i'm just imagining you guys are like buckies or whatever and your mom's like you know you want you want an icy honey and your dad's like and he gets a razor in your pocket and he stab him. You cut him. You cut him up. That story about the time that he knocked my dog out cold, I was on a date.

This was a long time ago. And this is like date two or three so you're like you know you're kind of you're not sharing like traumas or whatever you're just like and also like i tend to overshare and i try to make a joke about everything just how i am and wow and uh you know and and fucking fuck you dude and wow wow and uh and so like i don't know what we were talking about but like of course i was telling it like I'd tell you. I was like, yeah, like, my drunk, like, retarded dad, like, my mom's dog hated him, and it just ran up on him. And my dad just fucked with his right hand, cock back, and clothesline, and it just, like, went to sleep for a little while.

We were, like, eating dinner, and I think we were just talking about like pets. And like in my mind, I was like, this is an appropriate story to tell. She'll love this. Yeah. She was like, oh, like the dog. Like he was like playing with a dog. And I was like, oh, no, my dad. Like the dog ended up dying like a year or so later.

We think like from complications or whatever. She was like, oh, are you like ready to close that i was like on the way home i'm like oh this is one of those stories that you tell the guys like not a girl who you yeah the guys you go on dates with dude we had a good run where you were not picking shots at me, motherfucker. You were not picking shots at me. Yeah, like you're bros. You know, like is this a story like you're at a house party and you're like, yeah, my dad KO'd the dog.

Like alcohol, motherfucker went to sleep. It's not somebody that you met on like Bumble who's like, I had a dog and his name was Tubby and he lived to be 22 and you're like, my dad drank like 16 cores and then KO'd our dog seemingly for no reason other than it charged at him a little too fast. We don't really know what was going to happen

but we never figured out why. Yeah, he was just always like like he when he was in the gym, like, a lot, he had this, like, phase. He also would just, like, eat weird shit. Like, everybody has their, like, people do, like, chicken and rice and broccoli. He had this thing that he called slop, and it was a big bowl of canned tuna, cold green peas, and then, like, boiled chicken. And he would, like, shred it all up into, like, a mash, and then like boiled chicken.

And he would like shred it all up into like a mash, and then he would eat that all day. He was pretty jacked and like leaned out for a little while there. But it was like – That is – that's fucked up, man. Like – I mean, he is ex-military. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Like he just, you know –

I didn't know he was ex-military. He was in the Army for a little while. was he spent most of his time at walter reed but uh he like uh i i don't uh anyway he when i was probably like 12 or 13 and he was like trying i guess like get me into like lifting weights or whatever and at the time i didn't give a fuck i just wanted to skateboard and like drink 40s and smoke weed and uh he was like this shit right here you ever want to get serious about your diet get serious about you know lifting being in good shape uh also all the while he's like and i know he's like smoking crack like if you want to get serious about your health you're going to want to balance out smoking rock with tuna, green peas, cold chicken blended up in a big metal bowl.

I'm just proud that he's eaten vegetables before. I mean, that's where the bar is right now. My mom used to say that verbatim. She was like, I'm just happy that he's eaten. I mean, he is eating food, but like he wouldn't eat anything else, dude. Like he would like on the weekends or whatever, like he would like we went out somewhere to eat if he took me somewhere. But like when he was and I've never heard of this concoction, like I follow plenty of fitness guy. I don't know where he came up with it.

He may have just admitted it because you see like the very stereotypical like garlic salt, chicken broccoli long grain rice like that's the standard or you know like i mean if you're bulking maybe like mashed potatoes fast food right right but he he was always like he was just like staying lean or whatever and so i need to ask him if he like read about it somewhere because my dad was terminally online for like a while. Like online and like dial-up days, you know. But he would just eat that. He would make a big bowl of it and eat a little bit of it and then like Tupperware it. Not even Tupperware it, just tinfoil over the top of the metal bowl. And then like, it's like a big metal mixing bowl he would get out of.

And he would throw it in the fridge. And then if he was hungry, he would just like, and it stunk. Tuna smells nasty as this like you'd open i'd open the fridge you get like a dr pepper and just like i'm like dude can you keep this shit outside you fucking eat like a dog like this is dog food yeah i i can't imagine like ah because like it was like lifting is like the best thing like one of the best things you can do for your

self esteem in my opinion or whatever at least in my experience and then like doing that and then just eating like the food they give you in Guantanamo yeah like he would like yeah he would pour it on a bowl and then with a fork he would like mash all of it

so it would be like a fork, he would like mash all of it. So it would be like a greenish, whitish, like shredded chicken. Just like goblin, like cum. Basically, yeah. And then he would be like, you need to get on this. A little sprinkle of garlic salt. Like, it's all you need. This is protein right here.

And I'm like, hey, man, I'm 13. I just found out what a bong was. So I really like Rice Krispies And like ravioli Also like I'm not trying to put up 285 Like When I started like lifting weights It wasn't until I was like in later high school I guess But like He just

I remember one time This was several times actually I was like 14 and we would go And I was always like I was fat but i wasn't like one of those like defensive linemen on the junior high like like junior junior high team i was just fat i wasn't like swole fat at 14 like some kids get and uh we were at this old gym in south houston called bally's it's like an old old old like they

don't even exist anymore i think but um he was like you're gonna spot me on this my dad's trying to put up like 290 like too ineffective and you know like he i i had been like helping him do like just a plate on each side like and i was like oh fuck that's a lot because i was struggling to get the 45 on there but that's just like he was just like that was he's a woman or whatever and he's like we're like putting all the weight on he's like all right if i can't push this up you grab it and you lift and i'm like what do you mean and he's like oh you just gotta like you know how we were teaching i was teaching you how to lift with your legs just do that Do not drop it because this is 285 pounds, and if you drop it, I'm going to die.

He's like, if you drop this on my neck, it's going to be very bad. When you're like 14 and all you care about is like watching, like playing Tony Hawk, it's like your dad's like, very important, son. We're lifting weights today. You're going to be my spotter if you drop this 285-pound weight on my neck or chest area. I could just no longer be alive. So no pressure or nothing.

That's a pimp move on his part, honestly. Yeah. That's like what the Spartans used to do, except without the other stuff, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like,

it's funny. Cause like now, like he keeps telling me, he's like, he's going to be 54 in December. I don't know. 54, 55.

I don't know how old my dad is, but like, he tells me, he's like, you know, it's, it's easy for me to get the weight off. Cause he's kind of like me throughout his life.

He would balloon the fuck up and then lean out and balloon up and lean out. He's done it like six times. He's like, I know it's not hard for me to do it. I just, you know, get older. And I'm like, well, why don't you at least just like go run every now and then? And he's like, ah, you know, kind of taking a lock into just, oh, just getting fucked up in the parking lot and just hanging out.

And I'm like, respect. Like that. He like goes to the gas station and buys beer and then treats it like a Sonic drive-thru. He just kind of eats. He just drinks in the parking lot of the gas station or whatever. I'm like, hey, man, that's chill. Make your fucking weird dog food mixture if you want.

But, you know, you want to know something about dog food And working out It requires money Is this a premium or a free one We just did this This is a free one Is it a Wednesday Yeah Thank fucking god

I thought this was I knew it was Wednesday all day I put the trash out and everything But as soon as we hit recording, I was like, fuck. Ah, man. Tuesday tomorrow. Tuesday, no problem. It would be cool if everyone in my life tricked me into just having the same week forever.

Because people could do it. I've been working for like two years straight, no days off. I'm like, fuck, I can't wait until Friday, man. I had a Truman show-esque moment where like like the guy at the gas station we were just bullshitting the guy that works there and he was talking about how like since he moved up to north austin he hasn't had to deal with like homeless people and i was like oh yeah man i've always lived south so i'm just used to it and i was like yeah i live at the complex uh you complex right next to the gas station. He's like, I know.

And he's like a foreign guy, and he was like, oh, I know it. He followed up with that. I think he just like – but he was like, I know. There was a split second where I'm like, I'm not a schizophrenic, but I was like, yeah, no, no, no, yeah, no, for sure. And it took me a second. It's like, oh, you know the complex. Not that you know that I live there, but I was stupid. I just got back from the gym.

I'm tired. I hurt my shoulder again, so I'm just not thinking, and I'm not computing things. I'm just trying to get a fucking Clamato drink for salt and then like a Red Bull for the morning or whatever. And he's like, I'm like, yeah, I just live up the road. And he's like, oh, no, I know. Everyone in your life needs to start anything you say. They say, I know. And you're like, fuck, these people know everything.

I was like a problematically fucking stone before school one day in high school, and like I just overdid it. Like we always woked and boked before we went to – waked in whatever the past tense is before we went to class, but I just overdid it. And I went to the gas station for one of those Sobe energy drinks, the old school ones, the No Fears. Those motherfuckers were so good. And I had – our school required us to wear ids i don't know if yours did but we had to have no there were like 80 of us no we had to have like barcode and all this stupid shit yeah and i had my name on there yeah they had the numbers scrawled on it right yeah yeah on your arm yeah name plate and uh and i'm, you know, getting tired or whatever, and the guy's like, how was your morning?

And I'm like, oh, it was good. Gave the guy the cash. He's like, have a good one, Jacob. And I was like, again, I'm like fucking baked, dude. I'm like, never met this motherfucker in my life. We don't have rapport like you have with certain gas station guys. He doesn't know who I am. He's like, have a good one, Jacob.

And I'm like... He kind of looks at me, and I was like... All right. And then I, like, walk out, and I go to my car, and I start to have, like, a stone panic attack. I'm like, dude, what the... How... Who...

And I, like, I look down my ID. Now, it's weird to read somebody's name i think it's weird yeah that is a weird thing to do you know what i'll say you ever had your id and you think man i need a place to put this i have thought that a lot um i like how i tried to start the ad read like two minutes ago yeah and then i here's what i'm doing ridge wallet it's a place where you can put stuff isn't that nice and we've got over 40 000 five star reviews over 30 colorway combinations and all that shit you got burnt titanium you got all that good stuff rfid blocking technology for all those digital pickpocketers out there correct wow we got our own custom link, don't we? Ridge.com slash Pendejo.

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Wow, Jake, that was a wonderful product. Thank you, man. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm glad we invented that. I'm glad, you know, I'm glad too, brother. I'm going to lay down. I'm not feeling too hot. Ooh, Jake's getting casual. I'm getting You know I'm glad too brother I'm gonna lay down I'm not feeling too hot

Ooh Jake's getting casual I'm getting casual Yeah He's hitting cash mode I'm getting Yeah everybody knows That I'm cash

You know Dude you're cash as fuck I'm cash Uh You know I'm kinda fucking Uh Kinda

Cashed out I was gonna say I'm kinda down low But then I Yeah bro Yeah you're kinda DL bro I had a I had a fucking Kind of cashed out. I was going to say I'm kind of down low, but then I... Yeah, bro. Yeah, you're kind of DL, bro. I had a fucking mental vision of walking in and saying like,

Oh, yeah, I'm just a down low guy. And then you looking at me with the dumbest smile on your fucking face. Like that one. Like that. You'd be like, oh, you're what, bro? And then me realizing, oh, fuck, no. I meant like I'm chill. And then you're what bro and then me realizing oh fuck no i i meant like i'm on like i'm chill and then you're like no i can see in the future now and it's me saying something like

you know uh how like there's just something about going to the gas station man it's just and you're like yeah you like to fill up and then you know i wouldn't say anything like that you wouldn't no i'll tell you what, man. I've been trying to quit vaping again. Mm-hmm. And I have to say, man, I love... It's stupid. I love inhaling things.

Yeah. No, me too, man. I'm trying to do the Zen shit right now, and I'm intentionally doing a flavor that I don't enjoy that much. Right. But rather than discourage me from using nicotine, I've just been thinking about buying a vape all day. I'm like, this is kind of the opposite of what we were going for.

When I was like 19 or 20 and I was smoking like a pack and a half a day, I did try the patches, and those things fucking suck. The gum sucks, too. It's just, it's like... And then, like, when I started, the first time I started, like, the first vape I ever had, I was probably, like, yeah, like, 20, 21. I just got addicted to that.

Like, I think it's just, like, nothing's worked except for something that I can breathe in. I did have a... I kind of kicked my nicotine addiction the first one I had, and then I was just like literally got bored and picked it up again. Like when I – up until a couple years ago, I wasn't really like – I don't know. I think it's probably just because I don't like – I don't smoke weed anymore or anything. Yeah.

So it's like that's the only vice for me and i say that like i've said that to every person i know at this point i'm like yeah it's the only thing i can do so i do it all the time and people are like i don't care yes nobody fucking cares man yeah i i like i always find myself going way too into detail like this has been a minute because most of my friends have quit doing coke but i have been around people who do coke and they'll offer it to me not knowing my history or whatever and i'm like and then you have to give it all to them yeah yes dude that's what it's like for me like when i have like when i uh meet somebody or whatever and they they're like hey

you smoke and i'm like no man so like here's like everything that's happened to me in the last like 15 years and they're like that's cool dude like i don't give a fuck i was offering you some weed right uh and i can smoke all of it because this is my weed you know and i'm like yeah right i know you really wanted me to smoke all your weed and like i would right now but like you can't do that around me, and, like, I'll call the police. Like, I'm chill. Don't get me wrong. But, like, if I could, like, put you in prison for the rest of your life, and it would get me out of my situation right now, like, we're cool, right?

But I would do it. Like, I would do it right now. And that's just part of being a chill guy. I always feel like I have to explain myself. Like, coke is obviously a harder drug, so, like, you know. But, like, weed, like, I'm the same way several occasions. Now, most people that know me personally, like, on any level, like, acquaintance or friend or close friend, like, they know not to offer it because I don't smoke. But I have, like, after shows, other bands, you know, especially other bands are like, hey, we're going to smoke a blunt in the van. Do you want to come and i'm like oh no man like if i smoke i get really bad panic attacks i

think everybody fucking hates me and it's like obviously people are like gonna be nice they're gonna be like oh yeah all right no no worries yeah you could if you say just no they're like oh you have some self-control that's good yeah instead i have to be like no you don't get it like i'm a huge pussy yeah like like i i'm a bitch and like you should hate me yeah i have like some sort of thing with like my my mental chemistry where like if i smoke weed i think i'm like i'm a monster and i'm a demon and i'm gonna kill myself and they're like oh like i just was gonna like we played a show together i'm trying to be nice you just told me a lot more about yourself that i like don't care like at all like i was just trying to be nice it was funny he's in uh in new york after that seeking derangements and pot about list

show where they had will and felix on there that was a sick show anyway afterwards um i was just sort of mingling or whatever. Actually, this guy might be listening right now. Anyway, one guy, very nice, came up to me and was like, hey, man, I love Pandejo time. I was like, oh, I appreciate it, dude. Because that's not something that... Yeah. I won't pretend that's something that happens often.

No, yeah, it happens. You do shows and shit like you're in Austin itself. I'm in Fort Worth. I'm not in... Yeah, yeah. It's good for me that I don't have any... Fans. Yeah. do shows and shit like you're in austin itself i'm in i'm in fort worth like i'm not enough yeah yeah it's it's good for me that i don't have any yeah fans yeah yeah that would be bad for my yes i already inflated ego anyway he's like man i love the show i will offer you some cocaine um because you know we're in new york and that's a nice thing to do here i was like i appreciate it

i'm not going to but i i appreciate you offering something that expensive to me uh and then i was thinking does this guy listen to the show because we mostly complain about our bodies and the fact that we can't do drugs yeah and your dad dead i'm like yeah yeah yeah that's yes yeah i like don't um people don't it's mostly just other musicians uh like i said most people like ashley's ashley's friends know not to uh because they know that i'll go on some fucking diatribe rant about like well i used to be able to smoke and I really enjoyed it. But around 22, I started thinking about killing myself when I got to stone. Um, but yeah, it's always like strangers or acquaintances or just people. Yeah. Who like they ask. And I'm like,

I don't know. I've been, I've been trying to be better about just saying like, no, like to not, I don't know. I've been trying to be better about just saying, like, no, like, to not. There's no fucking reason to offer, like, any. There's just none. Why I feel compelled to do it, I don't know. But it's like, I'm going to start doing that with, like, coffee or something. Like working in somebody's yard, and they're like, hey, man, I brewed some coffee.

You want some? Nah, man, when I was nine, I saw somebody get in a motorcycle accident, and he got really fucked up bad. Well, sorry to hear that, man. I'll be inside for the next nine hours. Just let me know when you're done. It's like, hey, bro, I got a Red Bull for this guy, but I think he just, like, left the job site. I don't know. I haven't seen it. Do you want it? Nah, site. I don't know. I haven't seen it. Do you want it?

No, man. I was molested. I like. I can't. It's so clearly like. I don't know. I can't touch anything that's a cylinder because it reminds me of a penis. My cousin's penis that he shows me.

It was very can like. Can like. It was cold. It was just sort of like. I don't think it's like a like a therapy thing for me i think i just like what it is is i think i am genuinely frustrated that i can't smoke weed and it's not like oh i can't smoke weed because it's like a drug thing it's like i legitimately i can't even take little baby hits i will completely freak the fuck out and so i think like the frustration i'm like, I would love like just after playing a show, the band, you know, like go hang out in a van with a bunch of touring musicians and fucking like drink a beer and like smoke and just be chill.

But I can't. And so I think the frustration makes me turn it into some fucking theater show where I'm like, dude, I would love to, bro. Like that sounds so sick. But I have like uh i hate myself and uh when i smoke weed it makes me think about how like much i hate myself and uh and then i kind of want to like grab at my throat really like hard and then pull it out you ever i do i do feel like a pussy when i decline drinking one beer i will say that yeah like like a nice old man will be like kid you've been working hard you want to

i want a miller you want a shiner and i'm like ah sorry guys you know take a break right now from drinking and he he knows i'm like 22 years old yeah and he's looking at me like i he i feel like for an old guy to hear that he's like that guy like killed some people in a car accident right yeah like like like you were a kid and so you couldn't be tried as an adult but you know yeah it sounds like i did something really bad really bad like they had to keep me in that like that holding cell that they kept magneto in in X-Men where there was, like, no metal in it. And it was, like, all white and padded. Yeah.

That, uh, whenever people that, like, there have been times when I've gone to, like, parties or, like, bars and I've seen people who I used to party with when I was, like, madman with drugs and stuff. And I've, like, been on, like, a, like, a, I'm on, I'm just like not drinking at that time. Maybe I had a really bad hangover that kind of scared me or, uh, you know, I got too depressed, drunk too many times in a row. And like, I've gone like months and you know, without drinking. And anyway, it's always in those moments where I'm not drinking that I'll encounter somebody that I used to fucking time off with, dude, just go ape shit and uh and they're like uh you know shots come on Jake I know you're down for a shot and I'm like no I mean I'm not drinking and they're like oh fuck that's a good one bro uh you know you want tequila shot or you want to shot a bullet or something and i'm

like no i mean i just like not drinking right now uh kind of had a rough one the other day and they're like yeah yeah yeah you want to just chug the whole bottle or whatever with me and i'm like like i'm in those moments i should overshare like i do with weed all of your friends from like your life before like 26 or whatever it was just the cast of animal house no seriously he's like come on it's party jay come on bro yeah take a shot well because it's like all of my all of my friends aside from my very close like the boys that were just like within the party circle like i i used to fucking i would be the house that i did not live in and i would get the the metal boiling pot from the fucking

thing and i would be fucking shithouse and i would smash it over my head until someone like took it away i would try to like dent the pot it was like my favorite party trick i would try to break shit over my head i knocked myself out with a vodka bottle when i was like 19 like it was just it just this i have a hard head and i would try to see how hard it was i we used to sit at the bus stop by the apartment complex and like one of the columns that like held the the cover of the bus stop up i would headbutt it until the wood cracked on it um and your boys they think that shit's funny the rumor one time one of my roommates was like, hey, you should save the head-bashing party trick

for when we don't have girls with us. And I was like, what do you mean? And they were like, well, you know how last weekend Frank brought his date and I brought my date and you didn't have a date? And so you were just doing your normal thing that you do, which is cool. It's funny. You know, like, you were, like, smashing the wood at the bus stop with your head.

And I was like, yeah, everybody loves that one. They were like, well, those girls think that you have, like, problems. And they're like, don't want to hang out over here anymore. And I'm like, well, that's their fault. Man, I'm a great guy. Like, I'm a fun-loving dude. This is the coolest thing you could do in front yeah in front of strange women you don't know this is the funniest fucking game you could play and i think the most dangerous part of like you know you know like slashing somebody's tire with your forehead or whatever it's like

you're gonna steal everyone's girlfriend who's there like well i remember it works too well i remember thinking oh well then they're just like they don't know how to have fun and then the older that i got like and by the older that i get them i was like you know when i when i stopped doing this around 22 23 i remember like like hanging out with the guys and we, you know, after every like party's over and we're just chilling and they, I would bring it up and they would bring it up. And I was like, you know, I used to think people were boring when they would be like

alarmed or they would tell me to stop smashing my head into stuff. But then I realized like, if you're a girl and you're coming over to hang out, like it's already kind of dangerous in college, especially like Like, stuff can get shady, you know. And, you know, you go over to – and everybody's cool. Everybody's nice. And then there's one really red and sweaty guy who's been doing cocaine since, like, 10 in the morning. And you don't know him. And he is breaking Miller Lite bottles over his head in the backyard.

And he's trying to, like, headbutt people. That's probably really alarming like whether or not you're a man or a woman like that like you don't want to be around that guy yeah you were just like gallagher if you had down syndrome yeah i'm really glad that that didn't take off i can't imagine having to recreate like if I turned that into a hat. You're doing Netflix specials. And I'm like, hey, everybody, what can I do? I'm like 21 years old.

I'm completely, completely old. You have like UFC brain from like Mad Dog 2020 bottles. Yeah. Dude, those motherfuckers are thick. I tried tried those a couple times did you ever have those bootleggers um similar bottle yes they're like a they're like a dollar fifty yeah yeah whatever yeah yeah i know what you're talking about um did you ever try buzz balls i can't can't say that you did so they're like um so in texas like you can't buy liquor at the gas station like you can you know other places or other states travesty tragedy miscarriage justice whatever um there is a limit though that you can like the alcohol content of a given beverage right before it technically legally becomes liquor within the state of Texas.

So these buzz balls, I forget like their liquor content, but it's super like the alcohol content, super high. They're like this big. You can get the big party ones. But anyway, they taste like dog shit. It tastes like fucking like acetone. And like somebody put Sunny D in acetone. Like it's just terrible. I can put away some alcohol. I would have like one or two of these things and i was like does anybody want to go make pipe bombs

like does anybody want like anybody want to get like pregnant later like what are we doing like uh and uh i'll get pregnant like we can you know and uh they were like a dollar like i remember when they like first hit the gas stations, gas stations were pushing the fuck out of them. Now they're, like, they went viral, I think, on, like, TikTok or something, and so they're, like, more expensive. Dude, we used to just buy, like, 10 or 15 of these things when we were super fucking broke.

The bootlegger things, too. I think they were, like, two bucks. Dude, those sucked. They're so tough. You got, like, halfway through one, and it was, like... You were, like, blacked out it was like you were like blacked out yeah well like my dad i had i had an old uh old friend who would drink those like beers he was like man you tried these yeah like i took a sip of one and i was like man

do you want to like share this and he was like no man he like chugged it like open another one i was like how many of these have you had today he was like oh eight yeah i don't know what the alcohol percentage on them was but it was like it was like if you put like jolly rancher flavoring into like straight vodka or whatever yeah my dad used to drink uh these beers called earthquakes i used to drink them too they're like bus stop beers they're like a dollar 50 they just make you fucking shithouse but my dad's favorite thing when i was a teenager is he would buy like the big the biggest bottle of either bacardi 151 or no sorry bacardi silver or like schvedka vodka like fucking dog shit and he would make daiquiris this is what my dad is a daiquiris my dad didn't spend money on stuff usually my dad spent money on like drugs and alcohol and then like um like tvs like that was his thing he didn't really like

buy himself much he would wear the same pair of like dirty denim jeans for like 10 years so we had this fucking blender though that was like high dollar fucking blender and he would uh put a bunch ice and then like half the bottle not half it'd be like 40 of the bottle into the fucking oh okay not half just i don't want to be a liar. Into the blender. And then one. One of those fruit punch concentrate things that, you know, like, they went hard as fuck. They were like, poor kid special.

It's like... Oh, like the orange juice or the... They put them in the freezer. And it's like, just concentrate. Yeah. So, like, damn near half a bottle of fucking rum in a blender. Ice. And then one of those things. And he'd blend it up. And he would be like, I'm half a bottle of fucking rum in a blender, ice, and then one of those things.

And he'd blend it up, and he would be like, I'm making daiquiris. We're going to cook fajitas. We're going to watch a UFC fight. My mom's like, Dave, those aren't daiquiris. Daiquiri, you know, daiquiri's like, you know, my mom, like going to the casino, you get like a legitimate daiquiri or whatever. My dad's like, daiquiri's red. Daiquiri's sweet.

Daiquiri has ice daiquiri alcohol you know and my mom's like okay whatever he would make like a bunch of them and then would like give me a big cup of it it would piss my mom off to no fucking man because i was like 13 but he was like it's like slushy you know you go to sonic and you get a slushy and i'm like yeah he's like oh this one gets you fucked up and i'm like wait so like and i was a kid i was i love slushies you know i'm a teenager i'm like in seventh grade i'm like i fucking love slushies and there's alcohol in it that's sick dude i got so i got sick i used to he used to make like fucking batches of this shit and then throw them in the fucking freezer and drink on them all day and uh like my mom was like have you been giving jacob your fucking white trash ass daiquiris with what fucking fruit punch sunday wine punt he's like yeah he really likes him and i'm like i'm like i'm like skateboarding in the front yard wearing like fucking like a bathing suit. And I'm like barefoot.

Like my feet are all fucked up. I had a kid that lived like the next neighborhood over was like my best friend when I was growing up. He would come over. He was like my childhood best friend. And my dad would get his fucking rip shit, dude. Like fucking shit house. We'd smoke weed, all all of his fucking white trash redneck daiquiris and then um we would he started training and boxing like a like a year

before i did and then i ended up joining the gym like the first gym i ever joined was the one that he was at so my dad would get his fucking shit house and then at some point him and i'd be like oh i started on gloves like as you know like as you do when you're fucking 13 14 and we would beat the fucking shit out of each other now at some point though my dad would be like y'all need to move out in the front yard because i'm gonna be cooking and i'm i'm watching y'all beat shit out of each other it's very fucking entertaining to me so we would be in the middle of our neighborhood street, dude. Like there's cars going by. People are having like Saturday cookouts with their families. My dad is blaring like Van Halen, like,

like out of the garage, shirtless, fucking cooking big like rib meat. Me and my friend are shithoused at like 13 years old, beating the fucking dogs in front of the parking lot. And my mom's like, this neighborhood is nice. We just moved here. Like, can you all, like, just in my, you know, like, that was, like, I guess, like, a very formative moment in my life. Because it just, you know, for what it's worth, he's an entertaining guy. And you learn a lot drinking, you know, like $10 rum and ice and a wine punch and then like beating the shit out of your friend all day. The strongest you can become is either like through that or growing up in like Dagestan.

Like those are the two same results. Yeah. Well, like, you know, I like to think of it that way because it kind of gives you, like, a rags-to-riches type understanding of that life. And, like, the way that, like, because it's very funny. Ashley's like, when we were, like, we were dating, like, six, seven months, and she wasn't saying this to, like, pity me. She was saying it as just, like, a statement of fact. Like, I would tell her these stories, like, how I grew up, and then she met my dad several times and like she still says it to this day it's very funny this is not a pity thing like oh boohoo like she's like dude like my family's weird like you're

shit's fucked up dude it's again it's not like a it's not like a pity thing she's like you're just weird like everything you tell me and then i meet your dad and he's just like you know he drinks alcohol out of like an old like spit cup like he's just sort of like an animal you know and i'm like yeah i mean you know it's like i'm i'm i think i'm like somewhat i feel like i'm pretty well adjusted all things considered because like you know i feel like i could yeah jake i think you're doing great so i think you're doing just fine you're doing you're far. I think you're doing just fine. You're like on the phone. You're like, eh, so. Don't check your windows, man.

I think you should. Yeah, dude, just chill out. Just chill. Watch TV for a while. Put some headphones on. I think at some point we'll have to get my dad on the show. I think that. That's the last episode we do.

You know what's funny? Is that out of all the guests I won't speak on it Out of all the guests That we're currently trying to get on this show Right Which we'll see about it That one to me seems like

The most like outlandish in a way Right Even though it's just your father Yeah Not these other people Yeah the most like outlandish in a way right even though it's just your your father yeah yeah not these other people yeah who once again you'll see or you won't see we don't know it it's like uh that would just be a real like uh you know it would either a real gladiator moment. I would probably just mute my mic and then take a nap and see what happens. If you ever have to bail or something happens where you get sick or something for a week,

I think instead of going through our roster... No, I would rather... If you ever have to bail, I'll talk to your dad without you. Oh, dude, that would be very funny. With no introductions to each other. No, and of course, if I'm not like, well, my dad would say. And he's not going to remember who I am at all. No, no, no, no, no.

He's going to be like, what are you, Jake's boyfriend or something? I'm like, yeah, we're lovers. How much money do y'all actually make? And can I have... All of it. Plus $200. I get him on, and after seven hours, he gets his mic turned on, and I'm like,

so, Dave, how are you? And he says, i need you to give me two hundred dollars now two hondos you speak english you're kind of speak english i'm like i'm sure i'm white i'm regular white i'm not like a fancy kind even i thought you're some type lebanese maybe one of them... Are you... Are you what? Albania? Albania? Alba.

Are you one of them natives? You got like a spear or something? What, you like part Chinese, part Cocker Spaniel? I don't know. What's your deal, man? You Slavic? We just have... Dude, if we just had on like like old eastern european men that we met like just out in the streets that could be a move

it would be like vice but like scarier there's a couple like older i don't want to say older they're basically my age they're a little older than me but like i know there's a couple Serbs that I follow that were, like, mutuals on Twitter. I see them talk about, like, the bombing campaign of, like, Kosovo and, like, their, like, area of Serbia. And they lived it. And I'm like, dude, that would be an insane git. But I don't even know. Like, they still live in, like, Serbia. And, like, from the pictures, it looked like they live like out there.

So I don't know how the fuck, but it would be such an insane get to be like, Hey, how's it going? You know? And he's like, it's a, you know,

it's just like the whole village dirt. I'm like, oh fuck. It would be much better. I think you and me bail, we get one of those guys and then get my dad and then have them like we just we just moderate to make sure nobody says the n-word which is a very real possibility oh yeah we'll definitely make sure that doesn't happen yeah that's like russian roulette with

five bullets in the chamber oh yeah my dad's like i don't i don't know i mean you're white looking there's something off about your eyes. I don't know what to call you, so I'm just going to be. I'm just going to have to call you. It would be cool if we got like a – I dig Nick Mullen like out of his cave or whatever maybe. I don't know what he's doing right now. I

bribe him or whatever. Get him on. You bribe a man that makes a million dollars? Well, no. Bribe can mean a lot of things. It can mean ass. He's a nice man. We get him on, but neither of us are on there.

It's just your dad. And Nick Mullen. Yeah. My dad and nick mullin yeah it's my dad my dad and nick mullin oh my god well dude what would be funny well i mean obviously having nick that would just be i don't know nobody would say anything but just just to have like to not tell our dads like i'm gonna say hey dad you're gonna come on the show and then you tell like convince your dad somehow like hey just i think it would somehow be a really normal podcast episode in a way yeah it's like an hour of like woodworking talk or something yeah my dad just being like yeah i mean oil rigs are you know problem with working out there's money's great but it's all basically hazard pay, and your dad's like, right, right, right.

Okay, and you know. And then, I don't know. You know what? Bye. Okay. We get your dad. I'm still thinking. If we could get... Okay, get my dad, whose name is Dave, and then Big Dave from Twitter. Big Dave.

Joe Rogan. No, my... My dad... Is like... He's always been a conspiracy theory guy. But he like recently has become anti-Joe. I don't know why. I'll have to ask him.

But, yeah, every time I see him like talk about him like on the internet or whatever, he's like, ball-headed, you know, word I will not say uh i don't know what my dad's beef is with joe but maybe they should meet they should talk it out yeah or uh how about your dad big dave and ariel pink my dad big dave varg varg vikern vikernis yeah my dad big Big Dave Varg. Varg Vakernas. Yeah. My dad, Big Dave Varg. Who's that pedophile guy? Noah Berlatsky. Let's get him on. And John Mulaney.

John. John Mulaney. Dude, respect to a fucking king. I mean, sometimes you just got to bail on your wife or a hotter wife and then knock her up. Sometimes you gotta do stuff like that. I will never. Nope. You don't have to do that. John Mulaney, you have forsaken

the nuclear family. And I hope you're happy. You know what? I got something to say about John Mulaney. What's that? Are you ready to hear it? I'm ready. I'm going to finally say what's on my mind about John Mulaney. Drum roll.

Here we go. Here we go.