Pendejo Time - dysmorpheus

Episode Date: November 11, 2021

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what up oh my how's it hanging it's hanging man i uh i hit a milestone today i'm officially 50 pounds down from august when i like started i guess like 20 again 2020 so nice so that's good man i guess from like 2000 i've had so many breaks breaks in between that I don't want to call it 80 pounds because I was 265, but I lost. But now you're 50 pounds, dude. That's super light. That's like a kid, you know? I was talking with a buddy of mine who also trains at 10th Planet with me, but he's like my height, like 215. I mean, just like just built like a fucking freight train or whatever.

And he's like, oh, how light are you going? And I'm like 170. Like it would rock if I could get to 160. And he was like, we're both the same height, like a nut hair over six foot or whatever. And he was like, why? And I was like, and i was like man not everybody like what did you do before you decided to hit people like you know you were like a lineman right and then you wrestled he was like yeah i'm like a lot of us skateboarded and like did pills like like not and not everybody played like d1 like was a1 wrestler, and then was like, I want to get into jiu-jitsu and Muay Thai and all that shit.

I was like, dude, I don't have that frame. I just don't. And he's like, well, I mean, you know. He's one of those dudes that's a really great sparring partner, great guy to train with, hit pads with, very funny. But he's also one of those dudes that's like, it's easy. You eat 7,000 calories a day. You wake up at like 6 a.m. and you start eating like pancakes with like protein powder, right?

And then you have about – you're going to want to spend $1,000 a month on groceries. Bankrupt yourself. You're going to want to eat like a fucking – you know, like a full-grown ox and then in between that you're gonna want to find time to lift i don't know six to seven hours a day no cardio by the way minimal run a mile and then you know in a couple months you're you know if you're not putting up two plates on each side uh maybe starting like bumping up ten thousand you know like just just like a guy who watched way too many Dwayne Johnson. Yeah, it's like the Mark Ripito type or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. They're like, well, I'm not saying it's this guy, but it's cool when there's guys who are supposed to weigh like 150 pounds, but instead they're like 180, and they just have 30 pounds of protein powder in their gut. Exactly, yeah, yeah. And they're like yeah it's you know you got to stick with it because you take two days off you'll lose 25 pounds you know

there are some guys that uh like that guy is one of those dudes that's like he's just been in heavy lifting sports like we're not like close friends but we've like talked like what'd you like how'd you get into it it's like oh i wrestled and that's how i got into before i played football it's like well i mean you know and and this was in like a really like big public school like in tech i think katie or something so anyway like if you've been like lifting and running since you were 13 like it's very very like within reason to have a frame like that like i know that we talk about men's physiques way too much i think it's not enough i think people aren't suspicious enough yet yeah yeah there's two options like you'll notice when a man trains a certain way uh his figure is just most uh

most astounding the two the two options for either of us is crippling body image issues or gay and i don't know which one i think like like yeah neither of us knows which one it is yeah just gotta stay along for the ride yeah we just we just keep each other on our toes i'm like you still got the girlfriend you're like yeah i'm like all right then it's just it's just body image so okay cool all right by the way that's we don't talk about that stuff i feel like men men can't turn their body image stuff into like a personal journey like women unless you're like fat as fuck no yeah no yeah if you're like 600 pounds it's like i feel i actually feel better about myself now. Right, no. If you go from 6 hundo to a shredded 180, that is TV show stuff. But if you just go from being drunk guy fat like I was to being like... You go from 195 to 185 and you're like, yeah, I actually feel way better about myself.

Yeah, this is my journey. I'm feeling myself all the time and people are like uh okay uh well it's like it just it's kind of like a i don't know i'm stupid i don't know what i'm talking about talking about my ass but it's like you can't like if i were to tell one of the guys that i sparred with tonight yeah man i just like i have like body image issues i would be called like modern warfare 2 lobby slurs. Whereas like I feel like girls get to write Medium articles about it, which they should. Like the world is not – like it fucking sucks, you know, like whatever. But like – It's just like, yeah, some sub-stack article.

Yeah. My journey up to 235 or whatever. Yeah, like my journey from 265 to 185. Like all the comments – there's going to be like one or two comments that are well-meaning and the rest are going to be like you're a dude right and it's like yeah and they're like you're a fucking you know quit being gay on here like stop you know uh but yeah like it's it's funny because i do have a friend like one of my very close friends who like i we do talk about this stuff and uh it's you know we

act like i've asked him he's asked me it's like do you feel better and i'm like physically like of course like flights of stairs are way easier like i can put up more weight even when i was bigger and like i fall like fall in love back with the sport like combat sports again it's like no i'm not talking about physically i'm saying do you feel better mentally and it's like oh no no no no no no like i i still think that i'm like a growth like a like a grotesque like i'm not trying to make this like a deep episode or whatever at all but it's like i know i'd like it too so that um you know so people can feel bad for you no i just i'd like you just sit in the cut and you're like i'm tired tired. Just let Jake talk about his shit. Today, my feet hurt.

And they have not been massaged. I've been left all alone in the cold Texas winter. Right. And I'm just letting you talk about your gayass romantic developments with yourself. Right, right, right. I think that we should both get jobs at GNC. Quit our day jobs and just try and convince 16-year-olds to start bulking hard. Yeah, no, there is a huge industry for that on on tiktok dude all the videos that like i follow a couple guys who like they have like injuries similar to mine where it's like

it's like lifting with a ac injury it's like don't do incline stay on the smith machine it's okay and like i'll watch those but because like the algorithm works such such a way where it's like i also get stuff like 34 year old dudes who've been juicing for two decades and they're like hey look you know you're no one ever is ever gonna want to like even hold your hand if you don't look like a freak like if your veins don't look like a meandering river. Yeah, guys who tear their biceps mysteriously every two weeks. Yeah. You just bounce back. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And, you know, like how old are you? You know, like you're 16. Okay, what you're going to want to do is just don't hit Trinidad or Deca or Test or TRT or Winnie. Just get some Rad 140 and creatine. Don't go to school anymore. Don't, like, don't, you know. If you're the smartest guy in your school, you know, those guys don't get pussy.

Life doesn't get better for them later on. It's not like they become, like like computer science millionaires or whatever. If you don't peak in community college, you should kill yourself. Correct. And if you're watching this and you're 27, you should already be dead. Stop watching. Like life ends at 23. In fact, I don't even know why you're watching this shit.

But yeah, I like, I don't know. But yeah, I like – I don't know. I think it would be lucrative but also very unethical. Have you seen that Liver King guy? Dude, I wanted to talk about him. I'm glad you bring him up. I am fascinated with that motherfucker. He's just a big like balloon.

So he claims – I watched a – so he claims i watched a break some guy i watched a youtube video a guy this was today actually um this guy was like breaking down and it's like so apparently he claims natty i no fucking way dude like he he's got h he's got hgh gut he's got like that you know. Dude, he is glowing red. Right. The man has like, so there's some guys you see who are like, yeah, this is my physique. I'm all natural. And it's like, okay, maybe you eat right. Like they're shredded, but they're lean enough. Like they're light enough to where it's like, yeah, you could probably just eat clean for like 10 years and look like that.

And then you see guys who are 250 pounds and have ab veins, and it's like you don't look like that. Correct. Yeah. No, like you don't. It's also like, so that video, that guy was like, so I would watch his little videos on TikTok. I haven't watched his longer form stuff, right?

So he does, he's a paleo guy, but he's hardcore paleo, like traditional paleo. So what those guys do, um, if you're not familiar or listeners aren't familiar is, is that they do simulated hunts where they do fucking intense, intense cardio, and then like body weight exercise. And then they eat a high protein, high fiber meal to simulate like 10,000 BC, like spear hunting a mastodon or whatever. However, hold on. No sneeze. Okay. So sneeze. Anyway, so they do that. But also, because they're traditionally paleo, sometimes our ancestors didn't get a meal. So they'll do like four hours of hard cardio, like fucking like the most intense vomit your guts out shit you've done.

And then like lightweight high rep stuff. And then they won't eat because they're like well the hunt didn't go good today fellas so but like by the way these guys are like youtube millionaires they could just go to aldi and like get a ribeye and be done with it but like they're so committed to the bit at least on camera that they're like yeah we didn't get the mastodon today. You know, like, I don't have schizophrenia. I think, so I saw with that Liver King guy that he was, like, doing, like, the weighted sled and, like, he had the kettle bells. And he was like, all right, I'm going to walk a mile. I could tell almost immediately from the neighborhood he was walking in.

mile yeah i could tell almost immediately from the neighborhood he was walking in it was like this seems like a guy who was just like in on crypto early or something and then just he struck me as like one of those like um like we've i think we talked about him on a recent episode where it's like one of the dads who gets like he had low t got on trt and then saw like gains he had never gotten even in his 20s and then he like he was like oh fuck because he's older i think he's like in his mid to late 30s and he and you're like 40 at least but that could just be the fact that he's on test or something yeah so what i'm saying is that like he sees those trt gains in his mid 30s like fuck i never even look like this well what's the next step? It's like,

yeah, the next step is just trend or, or, or whatever, you know? Yeah. It's like, I mean,

if you, the next step, like really is just like finding a way to like make a clone of yourself and fuck it. Right. But really you can't do that yet. So those guys have to be like, I'm a, I'm actually like a tribesman now.

I'm like a trained killer. I'm kind of like Jason Bourne if he was a caveman. So I'm not, you know, like if you're like a pussy or something, you might like talk to your kids or like not quit your job to look like, you know, Dwayne Johnson if he had fetal alcohol syndrome or whatever. But me, I'm a real man. I don't have friends. Exactly.

I have family. They don't consider me family. Right. And this is what it's all about. You dress up like a big fucking silly guy, and you go around looking all red and swollen. And then you die when you're 42, and nobody gives a fuck except for 13-year-olds on YouTube. Right. Well, I think there's a couple guys who do the natty or not thing.

And I don't give a fuck if people are on steroids but it is it is frustrating not frustrated that's the wrong word because i don't really give a fuck about the fitness world that much but like yeah neither of us really care about this stuff yeah no not at all it's why we don't talk about it right right right but i mean like like people who are like it is kind of annoying to be like yeah i got this way by just doing hard cardio and low weight, high rep stuff. And you're like, dude, you have trend gut. Everybody knows what trend gut is. Like if you work out for more than a year and you watch like two videos or if you even know who Ronnie Coleman, Joe Rogan, you know what trend belly is. You know what HGH belly is.

It's also they're acting like like nobody goes to the gym and does cardio and low weight high rep which is like because that's like the default thing to do right yeah it's like broccoli chicken and then heavy cardio low weight high rep you know well it's i think it's just like the paleo thing is frustrating because i did see i posted a screenshot of my favorite liver king video where he's got like 300 pounds on him and he's walking through that park and the pouring rain. And he's like, uh, you know, like, you know, rain or shine or whatever. And it's like, okay, how is this simulating a 10,000 BC like hunter? How is this simulating a hunt?

Because let's assume, let's assume that paleo is good and it works for everybody. And let's assume you're not on trend. Okay. As far as I know, guys in 10,000 BC didn't like tie a boulder to them from the quarry. And we're like, all right, let's go get this. Uh, let's go get this Bengal tiger fellas. Like, let's go, let's go hit the woods to hunt. Like, it's not like, what are you doing? Like, if you're just doing retarded workouts for the sake of doing retarded workouts, just say that like, Hey, this is something I do when I like, don't want to hit the gym. Like to motivate myself.

I walk like, you know, a mile and a half with 300 pounds on my back. Cause I'm a big cocksucker and I can fucking do that. But like, don't make it out to be like, Hey, are you 16? You want to get pussy the only way that you can get pussy is if you do exactly what i'm doing i'm in a public park where there's like people have you seen his meal showcases yeah he eats like bone marrow and like yeah he's like yeah this is ketchup but it's fermented it's fermented ketchup yeah and this is some of my concoction right it's a really good concoction.

He says concoction, and he has it with every meal, but I assume it's a different concoction every time. I don't like that word. It's a stupid thing to say. You can just say, hey, I made some shitty food. I'm eating lard or whatever.

I think he might be one of those, like Rogan did it and Jordan Peterson did it. Like one of those guys that's like the raw diet where it's like you don't actually drink that much water. You mostly just consume animal blood and then like coagulated like lipid fats and you don't really drink – like water is like something you take in because you need to. But the majority of your liquid intake is blood blood coagulated oil from fat and like you know this is like a big this is a big movement these guys like guys have they have to have the worst skin in the world right i would assume that in like blood all the time yeah like if you go to like get your blood pressure taken, they put the cuff on you and the motor just gives out like on the fucking – like as it tightens, it just pops because it's like there's no way that you don't have like 250 over 120.

Yeah. the motivation of like wanting to get your protein in, but you live in the age of science. You can go get like, like good isolate protein. You don't have to live like this. And these guys have the money to do it, but there's no money. That's a, that's a,

that's a market that's been quartering for like 20 or 30 years. There's no money in saying, Hey, just make yourself a banana and two, two scoops, three times a day, maybe 0.8 grams for every pound of body weight. There's no money in saying hey just make yourself a banana and two two scoops three times a day maybe 0.8 grams for every pound of body weight there's no money in that anymore the money is now in like you're gonna want to eat 35 ribeyes a week you're gonna want to drink veal blood like like calf blood don't listen to any of the other stuff that's been working for 50 years you're

gonna want to like kind of be the most unhealthy jacked guy because like being jacked or whatever like cool but it's like it you know like it's stupid also again a lot of these guys are just on gear like you didn't get that way like jordan peterson is like i drank uh i drank the animal blood and i it cured my depression and it's like no it't. You're a weepy... Yeah, you're like a weepy, effeminate moron. Yeah. Well, it's like, yeah, he looks like he has, like,

every autoimmune disease, which is fine. But it's like, this didn't make you healthy. No. Xanax made you healthy you got shanghaied off to russia by your daughter who wanted to fuck like some chechen you know warlord or whatever the fuck like you didn't get that way we smoking that shit that made jordan peterson talk funny we smoking on that shit that got jordan peterson shanghaied to russia to siberian mental hospital on that shit that got jordan peters in shanghai to russia to siberian mental hospital we smoking we smoking on that liver king i want to i i do respect the guy insofar as like

any way that you can find a way to make a buck nowadays it but by the way like in an absurd in a way that's going to kill you like you just like jack off on camera that's right what i'm saying is like in a way that's gonna like shorten your lifespan by like about 35 years i respect that like i do like it the best i think the quickest way or whatever you make like a go fund me or whatever well some some other sort of thing. And it's like, this hits $1,000. I will do an eight ball on Instagram Live in under an hour. And then you hit $10,000 or whatever. It's like, I'll do two eight balls.

Right. Two hours. $50,000. Five eight balls. Five eight balls. 30 minutes. Yeah. 50 grand 5 8 balls 5 8 balls 30 minutes yeah this hits a million dollars

I'm going to do cocaine until I die on camera on cam it'll be on live oh LiveLeak died man fuck we're gonna bring back

LiveLeak yeah we're gonna bring back LiveLeak and upload all the video apps from now on yeah it's just like as tame as they are yeah yeah yeah i uh yeah i know that guy kind of fascinates me because of all of the the only like youtube slash tiktok fitness guy that cracks me up more is that guy swole swoleo um he's the guy who has the like 2011 hipster look like the bond aviators and the beard

and he goes up on camera and he's like he's like i got a question for you i got a fucking question for you did you go to the fucking gym today pussy boy did you go to the fucking and like his website is like you know get jacked and swollen like it's old school like 22 days but all of his interviews he's like you know he's a millionaire and he's been doing this shit a long time and it's like you know a lot of people think that you can't like a lot of motherfuckers are too pussy to admit that they just don't have it in them. They don't have it in them to go to the gym eight hours a day, to count macros for every fucking meal, to pay a nutritionist and a chef and a personal trainer $3,000 a month just from ad revenue. You know, it's like, dude, your audience is people who work 60, 70 hours a week and try not to kill themselves.

So, like, like. Yeah, I mean. Honesty doesn't take the industry very far. 60, 70 hours a week and try not to kill themselves. Honesty doesn't take the industry very far. I know that. But it is like a very classic guy. The combination of Carnival Strongman. Because all of his content is also like, I had a ribeye today and I chopped some wood. What did you do?

Jack off and listen to little tunes and podcasts like i got gastrointestinal problems forever what'd you do go hang out with your girlfriend you stupid bitch yeah did you get a blow job at the carnival park oh i bet you won't even show me a video because you didn't even really get one yeah i bet you i bet you won't even come to my house i bet you won't spit in a mason jar for a month send it to me because you're a bitch you're a pussy i do like that gay those guys to me represent like because the liver king guy that seems like as chill as you could be for that type of guy he's like hey liver king here i got a duck liver i got fucking like animal blubber i got testicles i won't tell you where i got them nope if. If they look a little bit human-like,

it's not important to the story. Mine aren't getting so fucking giant from HGH that I'm having to cut off slivers because they're stretching my sack out too much and I can't wear underarmor shorts. And then you got that guy, and then you got this guy who's very much like 2011 hipster look,

and he's doing Reddit self-improvement threads. They're like, hey, I see you watching this TikTok. I see you watching this YouTube video. You're on my YouTube. That's a problem. I don't want you watching my videos. I want you at the fucking gym because that girl – This guy's in his mid-30s, and he's like, that girl that you want to take to prom, you know who she's taking?

Me. She's taking the big. Yeah. She's going with me. She's going with me. And you might think that that's morally fucking repulsive. You might think I'm fucked up. You might think I'm a pedophile.

But, hey, you can't do what I do. You can't. I go to the gym every day. I go to the high school. I go to the high school. You can't pull what I pull. I've got a fucking. Bar City Gym.

I've got an F-250 with a six seven in it you don't have shit you don't have shit i put up three wheels on incline and dislocate both my shoulders twice a week you understand you understand me motherfucker i've spent 25 000 dollars this month on tricep surgeries you will never be me dude okay so you have those if those two guys are like the platonic ideal of fitness retard the the chechens who inject themselves with like synthol those guys are like the joker of the fucking those guys rock dude those videos are the best where it's like you have the waist and the abs of like you know like like a swimmer like a guy who just just a lakey guys are my favorite synth all ones because they still have like not like punjabi but like a regular

indian guy build correct it's like like pretty lean and that's what i'm talking about yeah like yeah like like fairly yeah i don't want to say nondescript but just like not a huge bill you're just you're just leaned up you're not even built you're just like maybe you're like a slick 155 you know like nothing wrong with that yeah and then your arms are like the size of bowling balls and your delts are like implanted with like plastic so they're like coming up to your neckline like where your hair is and then you have the pec implant so you just have a little waist little bitty abs and then like bolt-ons like you know like a three thousand dollar tit job from puerto rico or whatever the

fuck dude i love that shit that shit rocks to me yeah and then have you seen the videos where they go out on the streets and they're like you know i come out here and everybody loves me they love my body girls ask to touch my arms and then like people walk up and they're like you know i come out here and everybody loves me they love my body girls ask to touch my arms and then like people walk up and they're like what do you think and they're like you look like shit man sorry and they just keep walking and he's like well most people really like it and i like the way i look so yeah and i'm i'm secure about it that's why i inject this stuff every fucking day and my arms leak in my sleep i I get really bad in my veins and I almost die like weekly. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't understand. Like, I guess it must be a much cheaper alternative. There was like, there is a guy I, I watched a YouTube video of a guy who is a, like a former bodybuilder.

He's like older now and he like trains guys and he like broke down the synth all world. And he's like in, in these like second world, like old, like X, USS art where this is really popular in like places like India and stuff and he's like in in these like second world like old like x uss art where this is really popular in like places like india and stuff it's like the market for harder stuff that actually will get you built it's just practically non-existent it's very expensive the fines are heavy the jail time can be heavy and also gyms like adequate like you can't just take test or

decker or whatever you you do have to work out. So you don't have like a Gold's next door or whatever. You can have a home gym, but even then it might be inadequate to reach that type of size. But you can just go get like castor oil or synthol or whatever or any synthetic fucking oil. And you can like inject it into the fucking like the layer of fat that like sits right on your muscle line like it like is almost interwoven with your muscles and it'll absorb it and over time you know you can achieve and he like broke down like obviously the dangers and stuff but it was it was really interesting because he was like this is like a cultural thing like in south korea some people literally will wear bandages because plastic surgery there

is a sign of like it's like a class signifier or indicator or whatever in those places if you look like a fucked up monster with like pustules and like big triceps but clearly injected like it's like oh that guy that guy does synthol like you know like i'm not impressed but yeah he's serious like you know he's he's for real or whatever i could see us as synthol guys but we have to get fat first have you seen like the like rich piana did synthol right but he was already like fucking i don't remember him ever doing synthol did he i thought he just was on like he was running so much everything else yeah he was running so much training winnie that is like his heart gave out like dude his his candid stories about like having a heart attack like on the squat rack were

so he's like yeah you know uh uh it was like my third or fourth cycle i guess that year and uh i was running a lot of winnie a lot just trying to cut that last three percent out and you know my central nervous system is zapped i got no body fat and i got about 800 on the rack and i just feel like under my armpit like somebody ripped a rib out my whole chest i thought i tore a peck and then you know the world goes black and i'm praying and that was my third wit a maker my wife sort of said no more winnie after that you know he talks about it like you or me would talk about like stubbing our toe or whatever like like he was dude he was so dedicated just so dedicated to the fucking to the grind he was on HGH I think I thought he was running like literally everything

like that was the joke about I may just be having no I'm pretty sure he did run about everything in the book but uh I need to I'll find this interview and send it to you but it was this guy who used to be

like basically in charge of the hell's angels and ended up like is he a bald dude with a long beard it might have been i'm trying to remember he had a really cool story um basically like the police were like trying to get him there was like a the feds were after him, basically. Right, right, right, right, right. And the only thing they could get him for was they found the packaging for steroids in his trash. Right, right, right.

So they had this huge multi-million dollar raid or whatever, and then just got him for possession of steroids and not trafficking drugs and guns and shit because he had that elsewhere, I guess. Right, right. But he ended up being pretty involved in the IBW world or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just said IBJJF, which is the fucking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. IB Jackin Jamaican fellas. Fell um yeah that i think like well what

what's interesting to me is is that i may have uh from time to time googled winstroll you know what i've googled? What? Is wallets Folks If you need a place To keep your steroid money Yeah To keep your steroid money You're gonna want to head on Fucking down

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Nope, not that. 10% off everything on the fucking store brought to you by the Ridge Wallet. All right. Wow, Jake, wasn't that something that was fucking something man i dude i love doing ad reads i really fucking do jump in jump in jump in jake's been up to something yeah i uh he's been on the dance floor in his booty busting whoo there you go look at you dude. I've been freestyling a lot lately, getting back on my fucking grind. We've been doing some crazy stuff out here.

I think Jake and I deserve our spot in the hip-hop world. I want to ask you. I wish. I want to have a girl on the show to ask her a question. Just to ask her a question. And I'm going to ask you, and i wanted you to give me an opinion like put yourself in the mind of like a like a girl on a date okay what do you think because i've heard both i've seen and i heard like twitter threads and stories what do you think is more embarrassing

like if you're a girl on a date a guy that like pulls over and does a freestyle for you or a guy that brings you to his comedy open mic and does like five minutes like which do you think is worse i think that the by far the freestyle thing is okay because uh even if he bombs or whatever that's like a bold move but you're with other people yeah you're in a crowd good point you're also allowed to drink there okay yeah good great and you can also like sneak out if it's bad an intimate freestyle situation in which you're in a locked car i see the man that you just met yeah oh man that is yeah i didn't think about that because i was actually like legitimately i saw it like i saw a really funny thread today that was like you know this man like he took me

out to a nice dinner we had a great date and like i was really like i was like man i kind of like this dude and then there came the story like he had a nice car was dressed nice it's really sweet paid for dinner and then of course there comes a story where like he parks the car in front of her house and he, and she's like, Oh, well like I was going to invite him in. Like I was fully ready or whatever. And then he throws on like, you know, YouTube lo-fi chill. And he's like, went on date and it's really great. You know, like, and I was thinking, I was like, okay, I have in my life,

I've never done that, but I have been like, Hey, I'm doing a show, you know, like I'm doing a show at this club, like come by. It's just a mic.

It's not anything big. And I was like, I wonder which one's more embarrassing, but I didn't think about that. You made a good point because it's like, if he's just looking right at your face right like if you crush oh brother that's i mean case closed like if you cry like if you go up there and you do like a like a tight five and you just kill i mean bro it's case closed you're done it's it's it's it's

a good one you're in there if you bomb and you pull if you bomb and you pull it off well like yeah yeah you're like you're like oh it's a tough night i've been doing this shit a while like it happens and it's like oh well she you know like you still paid for the drinks she got that good i didn't think about that like i was just like oh fuck you know like doing comedy is really awkward i didn't think about the like the group mentality and the possibility that you crush. I didn't think about that. Because, like, even if you lay down the best, like, slick wordplay on a great beat, you're still in a car, like, freestyle. Like, the best case scenario, she's like, man, that was crazy. Like, you're the next Kendrick Lamar.

Can you please unlock this door? Yeah, because I'm pressing the emergency button on my iphone now and you need to prepare for what like yeah i i was i was thinking because it's like i guess even if you have a terrible night and you bomb it's like yeah well it's like you're in a public area i think that's part of the appeal of inviting a girl to a show. It's like, hey, it's going to be in public, and if you hate it, you can leave if you want. Right, right. If you're uncomfortable, you can bail. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It also shows that you do things in your spare time. Right, you have hobbies that you're working on or whatever. I mean, the freestyle does that too, but I think it's the, like, you made a good point where it's like, freestyle does that too but i think it's the like you made a good point where it's like it is the proximity to like if you get out of this car in the middle of his freestyle fuck but if if he's doing stand-up and the house lights are on him he can't see i mean at least in my experience you can't see who leaves you can go to the bathroom and come back right yeah but if like if i'm laying it down i'm like one two and And you get out of the car, it's like, I have to kill you. Like, baby girl, you're going to.

Girls like it when you're assertive. You're like, hey, I know I've told you about stand-up and stuff. But this Saturday at 4 p.m., I'm going to kill a dog in my backyard. And I don't care if you're there or not. It's going to die at that time. And you can watch me do it if you want yeah you can't stop me from doing it no you're simply too frail and i'm gonna kill this dog yeah i'm not gonna do anything to you i wouldn't do anything like no you're good the dog though is not good yeah he's fucked actually it's

really sick and i'm gonna kill it it's not my dog it's my neighbors it's been sick for a long time and i'm doing something killing yeah yeah yeah that's a good i mean like i i didn't think about that i was like mulling over and i'm like man both of those things are pretty tough but i guess it's like i mean you could also say like if you play in a band and like you like oh it's like oh this guy like practices an instrument or whatever it's like oh okay, this guy, like, practices an instrument or whatever. It's like, oh, okay, like, this is a craft he's working on. Best case scenario, if you're flowing, it's good. And the person's like, hey, that was sick. Can I go in my house now?

Like, can I go, like? Another thing with both of these, if you're, like, a chill enough guy or whatever, you can get away with either. Correct. I could not get away with the freestyle thing because of who you know what i look like and who i am neither of us the fact that i can't freestyle but you know like yeah no of course i'm not i'm not i'm not saying necessarily us specifically but that is a great addition to the conversation where like you and me the the comedy thing makes more sense like we could

both be like hey i'm gonna go like fucking bomb if you want to see me do really bad i've told ashley that yeah yeah i was like i'm gonna go bomb like a motherfucker all these jokes are new i haven't tried them out and she's like yeah okay whatever like you know like we went once she went one time when we were like like first started dating or whatever and then i just recently picked stand-up back up but like you know a few months ago but if i was in the we live together so it's different i guess like if i kind of in there per se in that like it would be very funny if we parked the car that we parked the car in the parking lot to both go up to the same apartment i'm like hey i gotta show you

something yeah you put on the shook ones instrumental yeah yeah it's a it's a lot of players in this here game yeah you know that it never stays the same and she's like jake i need to i'm trying to get out of this car and we live in the same apartment she's like baby i have to take a shit like i don't really get like i don't give a fuck about like are you are you okay like do you need to go back to therapy like you don't freestyle the comedy thing dude pendejo records dude yes, you do. Dude, Pendejo Records. Dude, dude, Pendejo Time Records. Man. Pendejo Boys International.

I really think we should get too big for our bridges and start, like I said, not only do a podcast network, but let's become a record label. Yeah, we'll be like, we'll give you 200 bucks for this album. Yeah, yeah. People are like, damn. Okay. It's like, oh, bro, do y'all make money off Patreon? We make a shitty studio and Gary Indy.

We make $1,700 a month, so yeah, we're big time. We're here to make you famous. But again, what you're going to need to do is you're going to need to lay down a 13-minute 700 bar

sway-in-the-morning-style freestyle. That's how we need to do promos. Is we... 700 bar like sway in the morning style freestyle. That's how we need to do promos is we Dude, we should for all our ad reads, we should start just freestyling them. You like wallet? Ridge.

Got it? In the fridge. Don't keep it in the fridge. Keep it in your pocket. It's the Ridge wallet. I'm so... I remember one of my roommates was... Here's the thing.

He wasn't good. He was just the best freestyler in the house full of white guys. Which, like, when you're 19 and you live with a guy, you're like, bro, you're 19 and you live with the guy you're like bro you're gonna be like on tv one day you know like if you're like on a bunch of xanax and there's one dude who can rhyme three words in a row you're like we got to get you like on a mic or something like you know my cousin knows mike jones if you want to like talk to him yeah my cousin used to buy bad xanax from mike jones's cousin you know but like i remember like doing it a couple times and be and just feeling so fraudulent

and so retarded that i was like dude i respect being good at this because i feel so stupid the key is like a lack of self-criticism correct like. Like it is, it is being like, no, you can't fuck with me. Like there's no reason to because I'm the best. Well, not, not necessarily about having confidence in being good. It's just like, I mean, I guess standup is kind of the same way where it's like, I mean, at this point for me, like if I go do a Mike and I bomb, like, I don't really like whatever, like we have this show. That's enough for me. I get the, I get the itch out. I'm like, don't really like whatever like we have this show that's enough for me i get that i get the itch out i'm like oh fuck people like this show there's a pretty decently

sized audience for me like whatever weird stupid fucking vain narcissistic affirmation i get from this whatever that's fine but that being said i could not go up there there are ciphers there's quite a few cipher like places in Austin where you can go up. Dude, we need to go. We need to do a video where we both go up there. Oh, man. That would honestly, dude, mean you like brainstorming like, man, how do we take this motherfucker to the next level? A video episode of you and me hitting 10 bars and just eating shit.

Eating some bread that I got at the store. And okay, I think I'd like to eat a s'more. Me and Thomas, we run a pod. Me and Thomas worship God. God is money and is cheddar.

I'm feeling a lot better because I went to my friend's house and did my show. And I like to eat lots of pasta. I have imposter syndrome. I don't know what that means. I keep seeing it on my Twitter screen. People say that they have it. I call them stupid.

What's up, guys? Stupid like a rabbit. Stupid then i thought i was gonna say a word my coat and i grab it and and then i go find my ex-girlfriend and i stab her and if i'm in traffic coming in strong i can't even tell i'm saying it's crazy if i'm in traffic and I'm... The beat keeps coming in strong. I can't even tell what I'm saying. It's crazy. If I'm in traffic and my feelings hurt, I get so mad that I say a word. I say a word that I shouldn't say. If I said it, I'd get fired today.

But I'm in my car and I'm totally alone. So no one knows but I said it. Except me and my own. It's just me and myself and I say the word. What word are you thinking? Turd. Turd. If you thought it was something that would get me canceled, I need to tell you that was not the answer.

I say a word when I'm in traffic. It's not rabbit. Dagnabbit. Thank you for I wish the episode ended there and that's motherfucking bars right there push your record back

dude the yeah there was like a so there was a venue called Scratch House in Austin I think I talked when we first started before we ever like actually published anything I may have told you this story. So my buddy from college who, like, his family came from money. Like, he had his – he, like, saved up a bunch from working, and his dad, like, helped him get this venue.

And it was a sick venue, man. Like, they really – they had great, like, Ghostface played there a couple times. It was a great hip-hop. Yeah, it was so loud venue man like they really they had they had great like ghost face cup played there a couple times it was a great hip-hop so loud dude yeah it was a great venue like hip-hop r&b and like that type like the like the mf doom type of hip-hop i've what boom bap or whatever however they had a day festival one time where um he like, hey, man, so if you want to host and can you bring me five comics and then we're going to have bands play and then you guys can close my old Screamo band, Larry and the Bears, Rip Larry. Y'all can close the show out. I'll give you some money and I'll give your comics some money. And, you know, both of us us like it's a good credit for

both of us because he already had like been promoting it and people were showing up this was fucking years back anyway i booked some comics that i thought were funny one of them i booked got super canceled recently and i will not say his name uh i didn't i didn't know. But anyway, so I do this show. His name? Vince Champ. I don't even know who the fuck that is. Who is it? He was like canceled in like the 90s.

He was a comic who did like a nationwide tour of like colleges. And then just he was putting down numbers, dude. Oh, okay. Okay. But not in the good way. Right. So. Anyway, sorry.

Anyway, so, I'm doing this show, and it started at, like, 10 in the morning. And it went on until 2 in the morning, like, the next day. It was an all-day thing. I hosted for, like, 11 hours. I was probably, like, 22, I think i think and uh anyway long story short man like the comics do well like i host fine but i i ended up booking a lot of comics who didn't drink and so all their drink tickets went to me and i'm like 22 at the time by the way i think i'm david lee roth because i'm hosting a show that my friend booked me to host i'm like dude i'm basically like carlin at the fuck at carnegie hall like i'm my dick got way too big that day for no reason and after the comics there was like 15 hip-hop guys one blues

band and then my band and the venue he booked us because he was like, oh, yeah, there's like, you know, like we want to do different genres or whatever. So, like, you have ten rappers, like an R&B light skin type group, and then you have, like, two blues bands, and then you have my old band, Larry, and we are literally like, like, just fucking noise and like like just just scream up and I remember like right before I was totally shithoused at the time like right before we went on like my bandmates were like hey man like I appreciate you getting this show there's a huge crowd here uh we've been here and nobody here is is prepared at all for what is like –

not in a good way, by the way. Like we're not going to – this is not going to be a good show. And so I was like, it'll be fine, man. Like it's just music. You have a big crowd. We're playing outside, and we're like, hey, we're Larry and the Bears or whatever. And we fucking – like people just start filing out like there was a mass shooter like song like they all moved to the back because we opened up with one of our heaviest songs

and it's just like really heavy like fucking like riffs and like fucking and people are like people who just saw a dude go up there and be like, and if you were to show me, like, got like literally 45 minutes of that, which, hey, no knock on that. I love that shit. Like Frank, like dollar store, Frank Ocean, like an hour. Yeah. You have me and my fucking crew be like, you know, for like, literally people were moving to the back of the room like i pulled an ar out and then filing out to the cigarette that's the best kind of show honestly you just like ruin everyone's night yes yes yeah we did that so in the early days of that band being a band like i'm really proud of

the stuff that we did and i like i listened to it still like i really like the music that we made but when we first started out like austin really they had like a austin is like indie blues and hip-hop so we got a lot of like genre crossing bills so like somebody who book shows really liked our stuff they're like dude man this reminds me like an old guy in his early 40s like this reminds me of shit i was doing i was you know y'all's age like i would love to have y'all on and we're like okay like are we playing with any punk bands or hardcore bands or metal bands and he's like no you got about like two blues guys like some girl who does like Etta James shit and then y'all are gonna close it out and I'm like dude everyone's gonna want everyone's gonna leave like that was like one of the most like frustrating things i think about that band nothing against us it was just like we got booked on so many shows where

like the first four people were like and i love you and then we're literally like your hair my dad was mean to me i like cigarettes yeah yeah yeah like that was so i remember like that show like after being like hey man i appreciate the opportunity this was sick i'm gonna remember this forever i'm never playing here again and then we played there like three or four more times and it was the same scenario like playing is like playing cross like we don't meet my band now is in a position where we don't really do that like we get booked for like but with bands that like match our sound or whatever but like at that period of my life i was like man i can't wait to go after like the the second biggest blues band in austin and just piss every one of these people off that's that's honestly my

plan for the live shows is yeah like you'll have like an hour of stand-up or whatever where people are like hanging out so they can do our their set and then we go up and it's like how we normally interact so it's like you just talking about your life or whatever and i'm like trying to learn how to play the harmonica yeah into your mic also yeah yeah i'm like yeah man i was uh sparring like the other day and like my knee kind of gave out. And the guy that I was sparring with, he was like, hey, man, I got a fight coming up, my first UFC fight. So if you don't mind, can we just finish the round out? I'm going to go with somebody else.

And you're like, hey, I saw a dog the other day walking on both hind legs. And I was like, oh, dogs do this sometimes. And then he spoke perfect Cantonese. And he had the penis of a grown man. Yeah, it was a dangler. It was a man's penis on a dog. And you're like, right. So, like, breast cancer is a big deal.

And I'm like, right. So, its dick was like a black guy's dick on a white dog. And I thought that was interesting. Jack Russell. Dude, Jack Russell Terrier with, with like an eight and a half incher is like. Dude, you talk about the market for like moms that have like the Tahoe's that cost 90 grand or whatever. Dude, every single one would have one in her purse like a for sure. Like one of those little three eighties or whatever. Sure.

Oh, for sure. Oh, this is just80s or whatever sure oh for sure oh this is just my little sweetheart i bring i bring him everywhere i call him i call him pumper yeah he's just he's just the funniest little thing he's a sweet little darling and yeah i just no don't take him out of the bag don't no need to take him out it's like uh it's like when magicians or pull all that string ribbon out but it's just a magicians pull all that string out of your mouth. Ribbing out, but it's just a red dick. Yeah, but it's just pure fucking dog. Just red rocket. Dude, so...

Would you take a dog back to the pound if it had a bigger dick than you? You would have to come up with another reason Here's the thing I live with my girlfriend And we're talking about When we move out of this apartment I do want to get A dog with a huge dick No

I want to get like a puppy Like I want to get a big motherfucker Like I love big dogs And I want to get like a rot Or a mastiff or something Like because I just I've always wanted Like a big dog like that Like a rot or a mastiff or something. Because I've always wanted like a big dog like that,

like a Cane Corsair or something. Anyway, if I went to the pound and I saw like a dog like that that was just like a beautiful big boy, like a little puppy, but his shit was hitting the floor, it's like, oh, it's a perfect little dog. I'd be like, well, babe, we got to get like a Chihuahua or something. We got to get one of these little rats i'd like a i'd like a pit bull but i want it with a small dick you know and the the the breeder is just some like 40 year old like black lesbian or whatever and she's like fuck you talking about like what's she talking

about like what and you're like yeah like just a small, dicked, huge dog. Do you have any like Chechen Mastiffs? Like dogs that were bred for war, like to fight grizzlies and stuff. But I can't have its penis be over four and a half inches. It's really important to me. And she's like, sorry, I bred these dogs back home. They are coming. It's like, listen, lady, I need you.

I see one in the pen there. Real fluffy, real jacked. I've always wanted these big motherfuckers. I just have a thing for big dogs like that. I just like big dogs. I want to have a big buddy. But I need you to roll that motherfucker over sideways, okay? Because I got to get a peek at his pecker.

Because if it's bigger than mine, I can't be purchasing this. Imagine you go to, like, pet your friend's dog, and the dick is just like laying across his stomach like way past like whatever a dog's equivalent of a belly button is right yeah like halfway up the chest and you're like trying to you can't bring that up at a party you know like that you don't yeah you know it's like a thing it's like a friend's giving thing where you don't really know the guy or whatever and you're like oh puppy and you're like i'm just gonna pet like its neck i guess you know it's just like you know it's wriggling around on its back and the thing is just slithering around like an anaconda or whatever when i was in uh so there when i like the second or third time i did acid, I was like I was like 15 or 16 and I was at a buddy's place and his parents were out of town.

And we were like, hey, we're just going to take a couple of tabs and like swim and like listen to music, whatever. We had done this a couple of times before. And I didn't know that he had a little Jack russell terrier like an older it was a family dog i think it was like it was like an older dog or whatever and so we're hanging out there we had done it like two two times before everything's going normal and uh you know he's like oh like my parents are like they didn't take the dog out of town and i'm like yeah fucking dog and he's like oh the you know jack russell or whatever i, like my parents are like, they didn't take the dog out of town. And I'm like, yeah, fucking dog. And he's like, oh, the Jack Russell or whatever. I'm like,

oh, I'd seen pictures on Facebook or whatever. I was like, oh yeah, I fucking love dogs. Bring the motherfucker out, you know? And I'm peaking.

I don't know if you've ever done acid, but I'm like, I'm peaking. So I'm having a great time. I haven't entered the washing machine or like the, the emotional, like, you still know that you like have hands and stuff.

Like you can walk. Right. Yeah. I'm not a creature of the black lagoon. So anyway, I'm like, he's like, oh, you know that you like have hands and stuff like you can right yeah i'm not a creature of the black lagoon so anyway i'm like he's like oh you know sometimes like he's he literally was like hey man like sometimes like i just i get like he's like i'll bring the dog out but like just don't like don't get weird because i've had have people who've tripped here before i get like his house was the trip house he was like they see a dog and they like get like they

have like ego death and they're like this is a living creature that you feed like you start thinking too much about what a pet is i and i understood in that moment but again i was peeking i had not completely hitting the fucking yeah so he's like you know it wasn't just to me he was like everybody he was like hey i'm gonna bring the dog out i know we're all tripping like just is it appropriate like as a responsible trip sitter like don't get tripped out by the dog. He will jump on you. Like, he's a family. He loves people.

He's not mean. And everybody's like, yeah! Like, we're all drinking, smoking weed. Like, we're all peaking off acid, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so he brings the dog in. And the first couple hours, dude, I am fucking, we're all having a blast. He's chasing everybody like blah blah blah blah blah blah and then at some point i don't know if it like we all kind

of really hit a wall and we're sitting on the couch and we're all just kind of like you know yeah we're all we're watching it's always sunny Sunny and we're all just having like – we're experiencing every human emotion. It's just dead silence. The dog starts like humping every corner of every chair and other people's legs. And I'm like – I remember being like having enough wherewithal. Like I was kind of like on the corner of ego death or like whatever the fuck that is, like detaching from reality. I was like I had enough brain cells to be like dog, horny dog, old dog, penis dog. Do this animal.

Fuck. You know, there was a girl that was there who lost her fucking mind. Completely was like, what's the... And obviously she threw the whole vibe off. She was like, what? What? What? Like, have you ever been...

Like, even too high from weed, but certainly psychedelics, where you can't... You have a sentence that's right here, but it won't come out, you know? Like, it won't know like it won't it just yeah like people people know what you mean but it's like yeah and she's she's like but he what and she and we're all like hey like like and she's like pointing at the dog and we're like the dog's good and the dog but the dog, and we're like, the dog's good. And the dog – but the dog is, by the way, like on the corner of like the – obviously what is the dad's like football lazy boy.

He's fucking that thing. He's getting it in. Yeah, he's fucking like the hole that's been worn by the dad's foot. Like it's at the foot rest. It's like the foam. And he's just fucking, you know, going to town. And she – I don't know what was going – obviously i can't tell what was going on in her head she was probably disturbed i mean she's on acid whatever the fuck people have bad trips but she was like the dog why is he doing

you know and we're like hey like the dog it's a dog like it's gonna fuck it's an animal yeah also it's a jack russell terrier so like this dog is it would fuck a hole in the ground you know whatever and so we're all tripping we're trying to like but she won't get off the thing and so she keeps like mumbling to herself and other people we're trying to ignore her we like turn the tv up a little bit. Like we go out, smoke a couple of cigarettes. She's standing inside looking at the fucking dog. Um, we come back inside and she has the dog in her hands and she's like, we have to get rid of it. And the guy who owns the house and the dog is like,

what? Of course it's like he, this dog, this is his family dog. So we're all like, again, like mid-teens, whatever. This is more his friend than she is. He's like, you're on acid. We're on acid.

I don't like the way you're looking at my dog. He's like, hey, fuck off. Immediately the vibe turns bad. People start tripping. Even I'm like, oh, fuck. Is she going to rip this thing? She's a teenage girl but like this is a little dog like before anybody could stop her if she wanted to like pull this thing's

eye out like it could get really weird and plus you're on acid so you're panicking she's like hey we have to we have to put him outside she's like very stoic and very she's like we have to put him outside he's he's just it's bad it's gotten really bad and i remember being like what like i'm not you know and i mean like she didn't i wish that this story ended because it would be much better that funnier if she killed the fucking dog but all that happened was literally like she like put the dog in the front yard and of course the dog lives in the house so and there's a doggy door on the front so the dog just like goes inside and she just had a panic attack for like 16 hours i wish there was a better end of this story where she would like women are

terrible at taking psychedelics i dude i know like unrelated to that story like the only times i've ever had bad trips are when there's a friend of a friend of a friend in the group and she's like yeah I love acid I've taken it like like 48 times and you're like okay no I do it like every day like yeah yeah yeah you could tell it's like a lie and you're like all right fuck maybe she's done it once maybe she she's totally lying, but I don't care. I want to eat acid. And then like, you get like six hours in or whatever and somebody puts on like,

I don't know, fucking, and like the music does too much and they're like, I just need everyone to know that like, I'm the devil. I'm,

like, she's like wearing like a white robe and stuff. Yeah. Where did you get that? Like the Eastern Orthodox, like, ceremony. She wearing like a white robe and stuff. Yeah. Where did you get that? Yeah. Eastern Orthodox, like,

yeah. She's swinging the big durable that the Catholic priest have. And she's like, I am the devil. So I'm like, I'm going to like sacrifice you guys, but it's like, it's not a big deal.

Cause like we do this all the time. Yeah. Right. Like, I know like everybody's having fun. Ha ha. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, but like, I'm going to like remove your trachea. Like, it's just's just gonna be really like do you mind if i like scream in your car

for like seven hours dude yeah like there's i have had like can we like call the cops like i know that we're all like i know that i there was i know we're like watching like cool runnings But can we like get the police here And like firefighters I don't know That's always the worst when like I was living in an apartment where

My roommate sold like This was before like Austin got more lax with it or whatever But my roommate sold like You know like shatter Like wax And you know he sold weed And then i was like middlemanning kind of slash selling cocaine and we were taking acid at our place and literally one of those like that one of the girls that was there was like i i need i need to go to the hospital like

can one of you guys call the police and we're like i'll take your phone and throw it in the fucking river like there are so many felonies in this house dude like if you like you're obviously you don't open with that line you open with like hey if you take half a stick right now like if you take half a hulk like the bad shit goes away like really like that's what dark like they hit if you go to the hospital, they're going to hit you with benzos. So I've got a bunch of Xanax. I sell the shit. Just have one of these. You'll be fine.

And, you know, but, like, in that moment, you're like, if this girl pulls her phone out and hits nine, I'm going to kick. I'm not going to kick her in the head. That would be mean to say. And I wouldn't actually do it. I'm going to kill her. And then that's going to be, that's that's going to be like a whole thing. Right. I'm going to peek and have killed a person. My soul's tainted.

You know. Hey, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, man, this was so good I want to pay for it. This is the best episode ever. I want to pay for more stuff like this. You're going to want to head over to patreon.com slash pendejo time. We do... You ever thought about killing a girl no no i'm saying if you haven't you should go over there yeah if you haven't sign up give us

five to i don't know a million dollars yeah listen if you love if you want one extra episode a week give us five bucks if you want one extra episode a week plus a video episode give us 10 if you want one extra episode a week, give us five bucks. If you want one extra episode a week plus a video episode, give us ten. If you want one extra episode a week plus a video episode and you just want to be like – if you want to be the same financial contributor to this show as Nick Mullen, give us 50 bucks. If you want to be a person that Jake has to text and be like, hey, did you do this on purpose? Exactly. Give us $1,000. The one person who gave us $500, I had to literally message and be like, hey, did you?

Did you? And they never responded, by the way. I don't know if I ever told you. They never responded. Like, ever. Which is still kind of like stresses me the fuck out. But it was almost a year ago at this point. So I'm like, okay, whatever.

Anyway. Suck dick, you know fuck you bitch don't even listen to the show yeah fuck you bye