Pendejo Time - Ed Buck of North Texas

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

Here comes Thomas, hopped up on Bang Energy Drink and Puff Bars. On the hunt for wide receivers.Support the Show.

What's up motherfuckers? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Did you, uh, I don't even know. What's up? I don't even know.

Stop! Oh yeah, it's fucking... It is for this whole episode we're getting tickled. Yeah, I'm getting tickled and I'm... I'm more effeminate than usual, I guess. Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. Yeah. We're not making fun of anyone.

No, we're just getting tickled. That's how we talk. This is, you know. I'm imagining some guy coming out of a cave or whatever. And he just meets just a regular you know normal gay guy for the first time he's like oh man you seem like you get tickled a lot you see me you're getting tickled right now i have my mind my mind immediately went to like the gig economy getting so bad that people are hiring like uber tickle like just to get just for something just for some yeah i

guarantee that exists in japan yeah there's like yeah japan south korea just yeah we should have nuked him again yeah i really don't should have dropped more napalm yeah it's the whole peninsula i think it's all or nothing with that type of thing, you know? You can't just drop two. No. No. I mean, there's just something fundamentally wrong with it, you know? Just kidding, folks. I think it would be funny if there were, like, two dropped on the states or whatever, and for some reason,

some terrible like algorithm went wrong and they were dropped on Midland and Odessa. I feel like, well, that would be like kind of, I guess maybe strategically intuitive because of the oil, but also, no,

but, but that's the only, only two people. No. So yeah. Like, like yeah during an oil boom you take out 70 million people and any other time you take out like 12 yeah yeah and it's the it's the 12 operators run the plants while they're dormant yeah it's uh about half those people are just looting the abandoned hotels i remember when I was working at the refinery a couple years back, a friend of mine had gone to Odessa to work as a forehand.

Dude, the pay is seriously like $160,000, but it's incredibly dangerous. Guys routinely lose their fingers like you're on a oil well not in the ocean which i guess isn't much safer but like in the in the hot ass desert it's like 110 yeah and uh you know he i wouldn't call him my friend we're just friends on facebook and southern high school anyway he was like hey man you should come out here because they're paying like 100 a day per diem and it's like 160 to start and i was like that's nuts like what experience do you have and was like, oh, I was just a hand at a plastics plant on 225, like wherever we live. And I was like, that's stupid money.

Like, what is the catch? And he was like, yeah, turnaround's high out here. And I was like, oh, the guy's quick because of the heat? And he was like, no. I mean, there's just really not a lot of safety, guys, out here. And motherfuckers kind of just routinely lose. Like, you're placing the drill, small drill in the pipe. You're releasing, and your thumb gets caught, and your thumb comes off.

Yeah, stuff like that. And I was like, no, I'm good. Like, 160K is good money, but. Yeah, well, for some people. Yeah, oh, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't bat an eye at that. Yeah. I could make that in eight years, no problem.

Yeah, just give me 50 to 65 years, I can make 160K. I'm not even thinking about it. I'm not even... Give me my whole life. Yeah, it's kind of funny being this young. You aren't. You're pretty old. But being on this stage

because like I'm 21 and I have friends who are making like you know the guys who go railroad or oil or whatever right out of high school and were they truckers or something it's like yeah I'm making like you know 110 something like that.

I'm like, cool. I haven't made that in my life yet. Like, I won't for another like, total, I won't for another like, four years, probably. At the very least. The one thing about those guys is, at least in my case, because I was very close

to like, just avoiding college and the military not that i went but it was an option and then going and doing that shit and like almost all those guys have like three kids by the time they're 22 and it's like yeah you're bringing in 115 000 a year but you just kept knocking your like fat used to be hot but now tubby bartender girlfriend now wife both of you guys were like vice president and president of the like christian athlete society and now you just kind of like i wouldn't want that life like the money sounds nice but how much how much money do you get to have to yourself when you just can't stop like coming in a girl you don't really like

but you already came in her once and a kid showed up what's what's cooler than that is the guys who do that and work at like pizza hut nine dollars an hour yeah like even in middle management yeah somehow the kids eat or whatever i mean yeah i mean they just eat pizza yeah they they live under the buffet in the cabinets and they come out at night. They work the oven knobs. You put dough in and it just comes out half-eaten. Your son's in there burnt up and he's like, it's good, Dad. You should send this one out.

I had a roommate, two roommates actually when I was in college. Not, not like, we were so fucking broke, like, and, and we lived off this guy's job.

Like, he worked at, he was a delivery driver for Domino's and the roommate was one of the cooks. And they would just like, come back, like, all we'd eaten that day

is like, Vicodin or whatever. And they'd come back and he'd be like, hey, I've got like 15 pizzas in the trunk and i was like 15 why he's like ah some party like bailed so there's like 15 pizzas in the trunk this would happen like twice a week and so like everyone in the house just gained like 20 25 pounds because it was just yeah i mean really it was like we were all like super super broke

except for like one or two of us and and and it was like six guys in the house and then like each guy had the girlfriend so like 12 people in the fucking house and nobody had any money for groceries so it's like oh what's for dinner it's like oh we have like three day old pizza or two day old pizza and each is going to give you like two pounds of weight per day. Multiply that by like, you know. So everyone just got like fatter than fuck and we were all just like wheezing all the time. Yeah. I used to work at

well, I've worked at a couple pizza places, but the first one I had was Cici's in high school. Cici's rocks. Rip. Yeah. And I was a dishwasher and bus boy which is that cc's is it's about as low as it gets but um you you could eat as much pizza as you want it basically

yeah if you like which that should be like an understood thing, but especially Texas small businesses, there's a lot of like places where it's not like that. But my go-to thing became, cause the pizza there is, if you're not a kid, it's something you can eat like once every six months. It's not like. Yeah. Past 11, it really does start to fuck with your like. Yeah.

Weight. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, like taste wise also. It's not like... Yeah, past 11, it really does start to fuck with your weight. Yeah, well, no, taste-wise also. CC's is not the best. Oh, I still fuck with CC's. No, it's okay, but you eat that stuff every day. Oh, yeah, no, I should have said, yeah. It gets old fast. But what didn't get old was their cinnamon rolls. So I would eat, like, dude, like 15 of those a shift.

Easy, easy, easy. In like a three-hour shift. How many 15 there when I was there for like a t-ball match we won? Yeah. Like, yeah. So, and the way I gain weight, like you'll know immediately because it's like pure gut at first yeah it's just my face in my gut and then i have and then like my birthing hips or whatever but like i started gaining weight but i hadn't like filled out at that point

like my body wasn't ready for it so i just got this like impressive like baby bump it's pretty cool dude my shit like i've noticed like the more i've been losing weight and i obviously i had been fat for many years like like the fattest i'd ever been it's all like my hips carry it all so right now i have like it's it looks really stupid i have let me see no yeah that'd stand up nah man you have to i have like the top two like they're coming through but literally past the middle of my stomach it's just like like i'm not pear-shaped i have like decent muscle mass but because i'm like cutting it's like the the love handles the last to go so they're just so pronounced right now when i was normally fat it was all fat it didn't look that way but like i lose weight

like from the top down and then just the the love handles the last to go so i stand up and like i'll be in the mirror and i'm like ah that's not bad and then like but from like mid-waist down just on the hip bones it's just like you just get a hold of them dude yeah yeah it's disgusting and i'm like how and i'm like trying to figure out ways to lose them, and it's just a cool deficit like anything else. But I haven't not had them. I only was like they were gone for a one-year period of my life when I was 20 years old when I was best shape in my life. And now I'm like, do I just have these forever?

I don't know. I'm getting towards 30. Yeah, about to be downhill. Oh, yeah. This is my last chance to get like truly like leaned out and then once i hit 30 i'm just gonna hit like 300 pounds yeah no i know for a fact that like the as soon as i stop work like working out like this time around which has been i've been going pretty strong, like almost two years now,

but I know that it's all downhill from, from wherever I stop. So if I stop when I'm like 25, you know, um, it could be worse, but if I stop right now, it's going to be when I hit 30, that's going to be bad. No, I can speak from experience from experience man like having a number of years on you that like i'm not the kind of genetic freak that's like you lean out you put on enough muscle and you're good for like a year maybe even a year and a half to two i'm the kind of guy that like i lean out i put the muscle on and then i'm not even kidding two or three months later i'm like if i don't do anything or if i just don't try to maintain, dude, I'll be fat as fuck. Like my natural state is like disgusting fat.

Yeah, no. I have to be like training at an elite level and I'm not even an elite athlete. I'm just a guy whose natural state is bigger than fuck. So if I'm not like sweating and like eating clean and really pushing it. I'll just be fat. Like that's just, that's just my natural. So when I can't work out anymore, call it 40,

45, maybe even earlier. Cause I treated my body like shit. I'm fucked. I'm going to be one of those fat old guys with tattoos and people are like, Oh, that guy probably was pretty cool at one point. And then I'm just going to be like saying like racial slurs to the TV and

like light pole shit and like 500 pounds. Yeah. I won't be doing that. No, you will. Yeah, you will. No, I probably won't. You will. You will. No, but my jaw genetics are like... People can't see.

All right. So my beard starts up here and it ends down here. Yeah. My jawline is right here. Okay. This is like 80% neck. Yeah. But whenever I was bigger, like, where my chin is, it was just straight down jowls, like a 70-year-old man.

And I couldn't grow good facial hair. Yeah. So it was just game over. I thought, I was like, I didn't, I guess I was kind of in denial of how fat I got. And I was like, man, I really got ugly after high school. That's weird. And this just happens sometimes. And then I worked out for like, worked out for like a month.

And I was like, oh, I have like a face. Yeah. Just a normal, nothing too crazy, but just a regular face, you know. I posted on Twitter, my girlfriend sent me a picture when I was like 240. It was like 45 pounds ago or something. And it was just like, dude 240 it was like 45 pounds ago or something and it was just like dude it was like a perfect an artist couldn't recreate it like a perfect circle like jesus christ and then like now like when we do this zoom like

like i get like being able to see my cheekbones i'm like what the fuck like i haven't seen these in years i even do is my skull even shake this way like what the fuck like I haven't seen these in years I even do is my skull even shaped this way like what the fuck is wrong with me and that kind of fucks me up because I realize

how like disproportionate like my bones are and my face I'm like huh are you texting are you DMing more

of goth women on right now I don't first of all I just want you to know I don't know any I don't think I know

any goth women I was looking for a picture I don't think any goth women I was looking for a picture I don't think I do I know I was looking for a picture where my that's what they all say where my

I was looking I was looking for a picture where my I can tell my name everybody hates me it's for you your best friends the people you've known

since kindergarten like me and Jake whenever he was the janitor at my elementary school. That's funny. If you were in kindergarten, you have a 10-year-old janitor. I'm just mopping. I'm like, oh, the fifth grade, they got like an internship to get you into junior high.

That's why Jeffrey Epstein a an office at harvard he was just one of the staffing managers and you just hire on like 11 year olds to you know organize the library and everything are you comparing me to world pedophile criminal jeffrey epstein i don't want to well i'd say you're different in a lot of ways like what's a lot of them he had a lot more money than you. Straight facts. Let's hear the good ones. Let's hear the ones where I'm not 5'7 or a pedophile. I like how you said 5'7

first. I'm assuming that's where he was at. I wouldn't say he was... Being 5'7 is worse than being a pedophile. If you're tall and strong, you can be a pedophile if you want. I mean... I mean, you can't be a very good one past a certain point.

No, no. I mean, guys that are under six feet love to be pedophiles. I feel like if you're like, you know, like... You know, Richard Dinklage or whatever. You know, it doesn't even count. You know, that's just a fair fight. Are you saying that if you're a midget or a dwarf, that can be a pedophile i'm saying you can't be one oh i thought you're saying that it would be acceptable no i'm not saying it's acceptable i'm just saying it's a fair fight okay but what

do you what's the fight about like i might the past conversation blending into this one the implication would be that if you're a dwarf all i said was it was a fair fight i didn't say it was honest or good or anything i just said it was just saying it sounds like you're implying i'm not even saying it's fair i'm just saying it's a fair fight sounds like you're saying if you're a dwarf that if you can best a child in combat you can do whatever you'd like no that's something that's something you said. No, it sounds like you said that. Why would I say something like that? Because you, that's just the kind of guy you are. So what you're saying is you don't support fair fights.

No. In UFC, you want to have a switchblade when the other guy doesn't even have hands. I mean, sometimes. You know? I mean, you've got to. Look, MMA is a brutal sport. Combat sports are brutal. You gotta show up to win.

You ever read a little thing called the First Amendment? The First Amendment? Freedom of speech? No. Freedom of what? It's the other ones. Yeah. The Second Amendment, right to bear arms, Third Amendment. We all know that one.

Fourth one. Fourth one, search and seizures. Fifth one, you can bleed it. Sixth Amendment, right to bear arms three times.

You gotta multiply it. To bear more arms. Three times. You gotta multiply it. Yeah, to bear more arms. Seventh. Maybe warrants. Something like that. Eighth one. That'll show no kill. Do not covet.

That neighbor's property. Ninth amendment. You gotta... You do the crime gotta you do the crime you do the time and number 10 and this is the only the only 10 amendments

they have double down it's trouble now yep that's all they say the five pillars of hip-hop. Beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee-beep-a-dee. Anyway. You think Hitler was good at beatboxing?

I think he was busy with more important stuff. Not necessarily good, but definitely important. I never said... Mutually exclusive. No, I'm trying to defend you. I'm saying, look, there are things that are important... You're trying to defend a terrible person like me? It's called Pindano time. You need to save yourself.

Neither of us are good. I'm a good guy. You are. You know I do community service. It's court ordered. It doesn't make it, doesn't mean I don't do it.

I'm putting my 70 hours in. I'm putting my 85 court ordered hours. Not a minute over motherfucker doing it putting together bags of cheese

at Center Hope or whatever my dad my dad had he's had to do it a bunch of times I remember he would

text me yeah cause he's a bad person yeah but he's just he's a funny guy I didn't mean good no you're good no it's fine

it hurt my you know it hurt no no yeah he's. He's a funny guy. I didn't mean good. No, you're good. No, it's fine. You hurt my, you know. You hurt? No, no. Yeah, he's a real cocksucker anyway. He would text me and he'd be like, what you doing? It'd be like Saturday morning. I'm like, oh, I'm kind of hungover.

I'm, you know, nursing it, playing video games, having a beer or whatever. He'd be like, yeah, I'm out here on the side of 45 picking up trash. Found a pair of panties. I'm like, cool. And he's like, yeah, they don't look

like worn or nothing. I don't know why somebody would throw them out. I'm like, alright. I wouldn't talk to him for like a week or two. They're like, alright. And like, you know, I wouldn't talk to him for like a week or two. And then he, Saturday every morning,

he'd call me again. What you doing? Same as two weeks ago, man, I got fucked up Friday night. Got too high. I was coking. I feel like shit.

And he's like, dude, you won't believe what I found out here. I'm like, let me hear it. And he's like, whole ass lunchbox. Like one of them ones from the 70s. Kind of like ones'm like, let me hear it. He's like, whole ass lunchbox.

Like one of them ones from the 70s. Kind of like ones I had but inside of it, this is an empty can of grizzly wintergreen. I don't even know who would,

why would somebody put it in there and throw it out like that? I'm like, cool man, what else you got going? He's like,

well, I'm about an hour in and court says I got to do about, I guess, 45 more. So I'm going to do this for about 10 hours, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, until I'm done. So it should be done by next weekend. Okay, cool.

Next weekend rolls around. He's like, Sunday, he's like, what you doing? I feel like fucking shit. Too many drugs, what's up? Well, this is the last day I got. A court order of community service. I really feel like I've been doing something here, man. Just sort of being a part of this group

kind of learned a thing or two. You know, sort of what it means to be a part of a group of guys. Kind of feels like military again. You wouldn't know nothing about that. You didn't serve or nothing. Like, yeah, I did. I didn't. Well, anyway, I didn't find nothing cool this time. I just or nothing like yeah dad i didn't well anyway i didn't find anything cool this time i just want to call and tell you i'm about done with it i'm like

cool so when's your fourth dui and he's like i don't even need a house oh nothing about that i ain't even i got a interlock device on the car now so i guess can't even really start the motherfucker but i just want to let you know it's been good. Okay, cool, man. See ya. The whole adventure of that story was that he just, at the end of it, he was like, yeah, I really contributed to the city of Houston, Texas. When, like, my dad won't get out of bed to, like, go to a birth, like, if he's already drunk, you know, it ah well happy birthday here's a card but if it's court ordered oh fuck he'll be there bright and early he's gonna take care of his business you know no i never uh i never had to do anything real bad for my i haven't started on this around yet but in high school I had a little bit.

And really you just sort of mess around for most of it. You just work slow. I mean, you got to do your time or whatever. You just have to be there for that time. And it'd be doing better than the guys who are... there's always someone who's a worse worker than you. It's hard to be the guys. For sure. For sure. Honestly, dude, you just kind of reopened my eyes to a philosophy I had when I had service industry or hard labor jobs where it's like if you're just not as dog shit as the most dog shit guy, you're fine.

Yeah. not as dog shit as the most dog shit guy like you're fine yeah you don't even have like if you if you're an observant person and you see the guy that's like taking a break every 10 minutes to go like drink a squirt soda and have like two quick drags of a cigarette like every 15 minutes ever for 10 hours a day then like you will not get yelled at. Usually. I mean, you will because it's just like a, it's a shitty job and people talk shit, but like, as long as you're just not the guy that's like, man, ah, fuck, it's been, what's it been? Four and a half, kind of like, you ever watch The Sopranos? Yeah, yeah.

When, uh, fucking, goddammit, uh, Vito, when he's working's working in uh he's like working that job after he leaves the mafia because they found out he's gay and he's like i've been working four and a half hours he looks at his watch and he's been working for like 35 minutes as long as you're not that guy yeah yeah i've never watched the show but yeah oh all right well you lied to me then you've been i was just seeing if you go no i've watched uh the... I paid for like a year of HBO and only got around to watching most of the first season. What's your phone service? AT&T.

You get free HBO. You should look into that. That's what I use. I don't pay for HBO Max. Oh, well I cancelled it. Along with my Hulu. I'm saying if you have AT&T as your phone service then you get free HBO. Oh, well, I canceled it along with my Hulu. I'm saying if you have AT&T as your phone service, then you get free HBO.

I get it now. I'm just saying I don't really – I haven't watched TV in like eight months. Really? Something like that. Yeah, I just haven't gotten around to it. I didn't make like a commitment. I'm done with – I haven't gotten around to it i didn't make like a commitment like i'm done i haven't been doing anything cool instead i've just been like like not watching tv like that's just yeah i mean i've yeah i'm really bad about like i'll just look at my phone and nothing for

like hours yeah and apparently i barely i, everyone else is bad at that. I'm not like really worse. It's kind of hard to, because everyone else that I'm friends with is on their phone like 15 hours a day. Yeah, I was about to say,

like I have the screen time watcher app activated on my phone and it'll be like, your screen time was six hours a day. And I'm like, how? I worked all, like I didn't even, I feel like I never activated on my phone and it'll be like your screen time was six hours today and i'm like how i worked all fuck like i didn't even i feel like i never picked up my phone but i guess it's just like intermittently between like when i'm uploading a paper or grading or something like from like 8 a.m to like 8 p.m or whatever like i feel like i don't but when i do

like my days off from like when i'm not working, it'll easily be, like, 10. Yeah. So I guess it makes sense, you know? Yeah. I, well, mine, it'll, I think it counts, like, playing music at screen time. Yeah, it has to. It'll say, like, off screen or whatever. This is a really cool. Fun, funny and awesome and cool.

But mine will be, like, seven hours and then, then like two hours of it is just, you know. But the thing is I'll be on my phone for, you know, if I'm driving. Because I'm really good at driving, so I can be on my phone the whole time. It's not a big deal. Most people can't do it. Yeah, no. My girlfriend's like, are you on Twitter while you're driving? I'll be doing 105 on the freeway.

I'll be posting at 105. Whenever I work night shifts, because I'm psychotic, I... Yeah, like... This is when I cared more about stuff, but your target hours are like late afternoon,

early evening, or whatever and basically i night shift i would only ever tweet while i was driving to work and driving home from work yeah because i would work like 14 hours so i would like 3 30 i would have like 25 tweets in a row and then at like four in the morning I would also. And then complete radio silence any other time, which I think is the best way to approach that sort of thing. It's just get your stuff out there. Don't look at what anybody else is doing. When I bounce, which was like, yeah, for like a few years off and on.

Yeah, I was in a bounce house. When I was back. Like a few years off in a hall. Yeah, I was in a bounce house. When I was back. Yeah, I tested him out to make sure for absolute agility and strength because I'm strong and agile. And not for any other reason I would be in a bouncy house. I'm really strong and I can do flips. Yeah.

So I don't really need it. But like I'd be at the bar and so like I'd get there at 8 in the morning and the bar wouldn't open until 9. So I would – I'd fire off like 50 between 8 and 9 and then there would be, yeah, radio silence from like 9. But I'd be there from 8 until about 4 in the morning. So like 8 to 9, you get like 50 tweets and then like from like nine till 215 nothing and check my phone and it's like you know oh shit whatever and then on the way home because i i bounced in austin but live lived a little further away now so i would tweet on the road or respond to dms or messages or whatever yeah, like 50 or 60 posts in an hour,

nothing for seven hours. And then like in 15, 15 minutes, 20 minutes before I get home and then go to bed, it's like a hundred replies or like, you know, people who texted me or whatever, which they knew I worked.

I don't know what the fuck they did that shit. What are you doing? I, that's my least people like, what are you doing? Like I'm at work, man. They know when I work. These people are close to me.

Like, I'm at work. They're like, oh, for real? Yeah. No, for real, man. Like, oh, when do you get off? The same, we've known each other how long? The same time I've been getting off. I've been working this job, man.

It's from 8 till three in the morning. And then I get home around four cause it's about an hour away from where I live. And then I'm up and I go to bed around five in the morning and then repeat. Oh, okay. How's work? It's, uh, I, I'm a bouncer at a bar, man. I, uh I take a shot once an hour. The bartenders give me one. Smoke a cigarette every hour. Kick people out. Oh, cool, man. You like it? No.

What about what I just described? It sounds easy, but it's not a job I enjoy. It's a particularly easy job. No. Big enough guy. People like me. I don't really start shit, so it's pretty easy. But what about that sounds

like, yeah, I'm a doctor. I'm a child oncologist. You know, I cure sick kids. No, I don't like the job. It's a dog shit job. I remember like probably a year and a half ago or whatever, I went to this one, you know, club or something.

And the bouncer at the door was, like, 5'6". He was, like, this little Korean guy. And I realized I really have no idea what the qualifications are for being a bouncer other than having a clean record. I would say, man, that's not even one of them. Not really? No. Unless you're like, maybe I'm thinking like real security. Yeah, like if you're top flight, like carry a pistol, almost always those guys are former infantry.

That's the only job you can get. Like you leave infantry, like I've had friends who were in infantry and they either went to welding or they went to work for armed security that's it you come out get your certificate you know how to fire a gun you know how to handle yourself you work at a fucking parking garage for like 20 bucks an hour and you take tickets but like bar security dude you go to the interview i've interviewed in a bunch of places and like you know nine times out of ten they're like all right man you're hired like if you're above six feet they don't care they're like whatever you got it once in a while they'll be like can you be diplomatic like can you talk to people like talk people down like can you keep people calm and i'm like yeah i'm pretty good at that you know i don't really even like to fight

like outside of like sports or whatever and then you'll get a guy who's like you knock motherfuckers out this place wild as shit boy i need a guy who's like yeah but you ever seen roadhouse uh i need a guy like because people in here be pulling out guns and shit and they'd be talking all sorts of shit so i mean if you're kind of one of those guys who wants to drink for free smoke cigarettes it's really any gig for you and i'm like wow I'm out that's really the only reason I'm in this industry is because I'm here to look tall yeah let's say when you wear boot let's say there's a guy out there who when he wears boots he's six feet tall and when he wears regular shoes he's five foot eleven and a half. Let's say there's hypothetically there's a guy like that. There might be a listener.

And let's say barefoot he's 5'11 flat but definitely not 5'10. Okay. There might be one of those guys out there. Yeah. What would you say to those guys? Well, I would say that

when I'm in boots I'm 6'2 so I would just say what those guys? Well, I would say that when I'm in boots, I'm 6'2", so I would just say, what's up? You know, not a big deal, you know. Yeah, dude, I actually forgot to – I have to do some laundry for the next two weeks. I could come into the bar for like half a month. Yeah, man. It would be really funny if like a – say like a 6'3", 240 yoked guy just walked in and it was just like 20 guys the size of like Andre the Giant with the bouncers there. And they were like, what are you doing here? He was like, dude, I'll be honest. Never really thought this would be a problem. I thought I could come in here and talk shit.

He's just Ronnie Coleman and he's just like embarrassed to even be there. Dude, like half the bars I worked at and just general half the bars in Austin and in every major city I've visited, weirdly enough, this actually isn't even weird.

There will be a dress code at like half the bars and it's not i'll explain the dress codes will be like no entry if you are wearing the following and it's like basketball shorts jordans bandana yeah baseball cap uh like high top socks athletic wear jersey uh do rag and like the club the more you get down the list you realize they're like oh the guy at the bar can't say no black or mexican guys but he can say this so like so the bars i worked at were traditionally like frat bars but like in my experience i'm trying to make like a woke point like those guys start way more shit than like any of the like divey bars I worked at because they don't have anything to lose. Like the worst that happens, you get into a fistfight with them and then you get sued or you get threatened with lawsuits or whatever.

But like that shit was always funny to me. Like I walk into a bar, like I go on Craigslist and I would look for like service industry, door security, bouncer, floor security, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go to the interview. I'd be like, yeah, door security, bouncer, floor security, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'd go to the interview. I'd be like, yeah, I've been boxing a long time. I don't like to fight, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I love bouncing. It's an easy job.

Pays good. Tips are great. And then you go to like the front of the bar on the way out and you weren't paying attention on the way in because you're in job interview mode. And you look at it and the dress code is there. weren't paying attention to the weigh-in because you're in job interview mode, and you look at it, and the dress code's there, and it's like, yeah, basically, you know, no Jordans, no Air Force Ones. Yeah, no knockoff Meek Mill Dream Chasers chains. Yeah, yeah, and no big headphones, really, unless you're the DJ.

Like, you know, no gold teeth, unless you're Riff Raff. Like, no, really none of that type of stuff. And I'm like, oh, I just accepted a job at this place. Which, again, like, I would work at places like that because it was money and I needed the money. But it's like, like, you'd work there three weeks. The manager either, he was always like, you know, like, just your stereotypical, like, white business guy. Or, you know, like like an indian dude who just that's the place he owns he doesn't ever he's never there and he'd be like yeah i can't really

handle anybody that's like not white like white or asian in the bar i'm like oh that's uh that's kind of frustrating for for me to hear but i mean you know, I work here because I need the money. And they're like, yeah, you ever just get really mad? You know, like people that are like loud and they're like, yeah, you know, and they do like a shitty like Bronx accent, but we're in like the heart of central Texas. Yeah. Man, not really. Like, I mean, I get like, I get,

I get mad at anybody that tells me to go fuck myself and, and stereotypically statistically, at this bar, it's usually guys that are in like, Kappa Gamma suck my ass. Like, this is a frat bar, so it's those guys that make me frustrated or whatever. I wonder how specific you could get away with making the rules. Oh, yeah. Tattoos must be highly visible. Oh, yeah.

Tattoos must be highly visible. Black ink must show expressively through the skin. We're going to need, if you're wearing an undershirt, it must be a Hanes wife beater. It cannot be an athleisure or under armor slim fit. Teeth to skin contrast, highly limited. Highly limited. You're going to want to have a body fat ratio. If you're under 4% naturally,

we're going to have to ask you to leave. It's just too much to risk. No verticals, 11 inch or higher. No, absolutely not. We do not need, also,

if you got dreads, you're going to have to be a guy also wearing a peace crystal type necklace. You have to bring a ukulele with you as proof, as verification of the dreads you're gonna have to be a guy also wearing a peace crystal type you have to bring a ukulele with you as proof as verification of the dreads because we can't take the risk of you being oh being what mixed uh no just being kind of like a guy that would have those you know like a guy that would have dude i the uh the last bar i bounced at uh was right across the street from the biggest gay bar in Austin. Your house? No, it was actually your house. No, I've never lived in Austin, so it couldn't have been mine.

Yeah, well, whatever, man. So it's right across from UT. It's right across from where – I didn't go to UT, but you knew about UT, so you must have gone there. I didn't go to UT, but you knew about UT, so you must have gone there. Yeah, because I went there for my nuclear engineering degree that I have in physics. You still live at home. That's crazy, man. Yes. In my mansion.

You may know it as a Playboy mansion. Yeah, yeah. The gay boy mansion, more like it. Yeah. may know it as a playboy mansion yeah yeah the uh gay boy mansion more like it yeah well because i am a charitable man and i take care of all you spin this one let's hear okay okay what's like i'm a lot like uh you know i'm like the ed buck of north texas in a lot of ways you know because i'm because i'm so i have so much money. You're inviting like Denton second string linebackers. You're like, man, I got a lot of like bang energy in my house.

And they're like, yeah, the university gives us like $30,000 a year under the table, which isn't like crazy money, but it like pays my bills already. isn't like crazy money but it like pays my bills already yeah i'm from i'm like what if i uh i got pop tarts over here because i don't know what i would actually offer yeah what do you guys get at the that little cafeteria oh you got your little swipe card i have rice-a-roni san francisco style so i don't think you can get yeah dude okay first of all ed buck's a bad guy but i'm trying to imagine how unsuccessful an Ed Buck of North Texas would be trying to pull Denton and SMU. Like, just like guys who are on full scholarship might make the NFL on second draft.

It's all there for them. You have to target like the TCC baseball team. Yeah, guys who maybe swing a bat like twice a season you just drive by uh like like the technical schools in like a cadillac cts but it's like one of those like 2007 with 185 000 miles yeah they cost Yeah, yeah, yeah. It runs off the lot and then you get it to your, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Anyway. All my, uh, my Mexican friends in high school who would, like, uh, you know, they'd,

they'd, like, go to a charter school or whatever, switch around, and then they'd end up, you know, selling or something and they'd be like,

yeah, bro, I'm doing pretty well, like, you can check me out. And they'd have, like, you know, selling or something. And they'd be like, yeah, bro, I'm doing pretty well. Like, you can check me out. And they'd have like just a Cadillac that's worth like what a regular car is, you know? Yeah. Which, you know, a lot of people do. A sedan for a lot, not a year old, like 20 miles. It's like that's a, like not to hate on you, but that's a regular car.

I mean, I'm not telling you to go in debt or anything. It's fine that you have that. You could get a Challenger with more horsepower and leather seats for the same price you paid for that Cadillac. Yeah. Like one from this year, like for $300 a month. Yeah. You know? That reminds me of – so in high school, in my high school, slap boxing was a big thing.

Like especially with like the people hung out with like you'd skip class you'd talk some shit on like myspace or whatever or through text to tweet and then you would go like you'd meet in the bathroom at the athletics gym and you'd slap box but every time we would go to that gym to slap box there'd be a line of mexican kids and they would be all playing a different reggaeton or cumbia or like banda song off their phone. So it would just be like six guys with like, you know, possibly stolen. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Sidekicks. Maybe they, I don't know.

I'm not racist. And they're all playing like variations of like. And then you get in there with the guy who's talking shit and you're like yeah we can do this right now we can do a close fit whatever the fuck you want and they're just standing there on the side it's like and you're like how the fuck do i talk shit effectively and call this guy like every manner under the sun the worst insult when there's six guys behind me in like skin tight tommy hill figures and then like you know like high top 1200 rebox and they're like listening to reggaeton like i can't i don't care i could call you whatever the fuck name i can think of i can insult your mother we could swing close fists for a minute and a half till somebody goes out but it's not taken

seriously because there's six guys on the wall listening to six different versions of like mariachi music and at the end of it you're like can you guys turn that shit off I can't even what am I fucking and there's like a grainy like shitty jpeg type image movie

on a razor of you just like getting the shit torn up and in the back you can hear the bass boosted like it's coming across way too high like you're like god I just got my ass whooped to like an orchestra of shitty like like phone

reggaeton and at the end of it they're like nice do you guys have class how old by the way like what are you like do you guys have class? How old? By the way, like, what are you, like, do you guys, you're not here fighting.

This is where people go to fight to beat the fuck out, this is where the shit talking ends and starts in some ways. It's away from main campus. It's where the football team works out. What are you all doing here? You know?

And they're like, we just come in here to hang out. And I'm like, you guys got it figured out. You're not in here fighting. Like, you just come in here to hang out i'm like you guys got it figured out you're not in here fighting like you're not in here talking shit like you're not in here fucking doing anything you're just like they all headphones existed but it was like nah we're all it's fine we all listen to whatever the fuck you know yeah this is what it is it doesn't matter yeah see i've never understood like slap boxing very much.

I guess I haven't really watched many videos. I've mostly just watched like backyard fights and stuff. But did it tend to break into like just regular fighting most of the time? Yeah, 99% of the time. So like some of it did start innocent and indecent where it was like, you know, you're playing touch and go like at the gym and like eighth or ninth grade. And then someone's like, we should go slapbox in the back bathroom where the coaches never go. It's pretty much abandoned. It's like the shower rooms for the football guys.

And so we're like, yeah. And we go back there and play around. That was rare. Rare. Nine times out of ten, it was like it started that way and ended with a fist fight. Or it started with straight shit talking. And it was like, all right, then let's slapbox. Let's just slapbox over chest boxing.

But two punches will be thrown from either party and then the third one is just full close fit and you're just winging them. Like you're just trying to get the dude out. Yeah, that's sort of how I pictured it. If you're slapboxing just a friend or something and there's no...

Malice behind it. Yeah, then I see that. No. It was. I see that most of the time. Yeah. No. Like.

Like. Yeah. No. Exactly. Like. Unless there's like alcohol drugs involved. But like I said. Like 90% of the time.

It was just straight. Like. Hey. You're talking shit. Like. Let's go box. And it would start off like playful. Like.

Oh. Like. Talking shit while you're doing it. And then one guy would connect. A little too hard. And it would just be full-blown the other 10 was like you and a friend that just like pushing each other around and it's like oh let's go slapbox like fucking bitch like fuck you pussy and then but usually even that 10 most of it started like playful like body shot shit and then somebody would accidentally air quotes connect to the chin and then you're

just throwing until like somebody stopped it or the coach yeah or whatever yeah probably a couple like transitional hits where it's like yeah somebody would like it a lot of times some like whoever was the fatter guy that like was clearly getting his ass whooped like not necessarily strong but when you're in eighth or ninth grade you're fat like you just have your fat i mean you got leverage you know yeah so a lot of times it would just end with a really nasty like not even not even technical like slam really bad like i'm sure you've seen videos of like kids you know like that shit would happen and and i was in high school like 2008 2009 so it was like this was smartphones were out and the video cameras were but just terrible so a lot of times we just wouldn't record because the memory didn't exist on the phone so i saw in person a lot of those like

ha ha ha oh shit oh they're swinging oh and then just like picked up by the big fat guy and then just dumped on the head and then like lock up and you're and everyone there's like oh this went bad like yeah really fucking fat yeah like and but like honestly like it it was cool in the same sense that it's like you could settle shit that way like people usually like shit was usually settled that way yeah you know like i i don't know they're very like a handful of times because the high school i went to at the time i went to it now it's like a pretty good one the time i went to it was really shitty so like routinely you'd be eating mashed potatoes and the guy next to you would just get like molly whopped just cheap shot it and just

out and then the guy would keep hitting him and the assistant principals were like oh we got to go solve a rape so this is this is yeah no we't care. But that was usually like the way shit got like handled, I guess. Yeah. At my school, we always just, we'd have huge shootouts. We'd all bring like AKs and M16s and stuff. And we would just mow, you know, whole squadrons down. Did you go to partner? Yeah.

What? No. We'd have – yeah, yeah. No, there would be easily 70, 90 dead a day. But that's a much better idea. I wish we'd thought of that. We had a – we also had food fights and those motherfuckers – so like the food fights at our school were like part of a tradition. There would be like two or three big ones a year. And there would be like a palpable – because the lunchroom would be – because we only got like 20, 25 minutes for lunch.

It was like super short. And there would be palpable energy in the room. Like it would get really loud, really loud, really loud, and then super quiet. And that usually meant either a fist fight or a food fight. But the food fights were different because everyone would be tense, not just like two or three guys in the room. And it wasn't like a movie food fight where people were like, ha ha. Like, dude, guys would take like the – we had these shitty like thick mashed potatoes in this thick plastic cup. Like they had heft to them. Like, they had heft to them.

And they'd fucking full-on, like, MLB, like, leg up, hips to the side, overhand, like, hum you, like, just throw them as hard as they... And they would bean a dude and, like, rock his ass. And then the whole thing, it would just be full, like, fucking chicken sandwiches, bananas, fucking mashed potatoes, forks, Gatorade bottles, cookies and shit for, like, ten seconds. And then the security guards and the campus police would show up and be like and they would all stop and they would try to like pull a handful of kids that i guess they assume through shit and they would like you know pull them away but those were those were fun too i saw i was having a conversation with a dude like we're having one now across and i was like

yeah man i don't know i was in my senior year i was like yeah man i don't know i'm thinking about moving to austin or maybe staying here i don't know i joined the fucking army i don't know. I was in my senior year. I was like, yeah, man, I don't know. I'm thinking about moving to Austin or maybe staying here or I don't know. I joined the fucking army. I don't fucking know. And he's giving his response and a chicken sandwich just fucking clocks him like right in the side of the face. He's like, yeah, I think I'm going to A&M for Marine

Bi... Boom! And he just, all he does is just kind of take the hit and lean back and then like sip his milk. And he's like, thinking about going to A&M for marine – that's just – like nothing. Like he didn't throw one back. He didn't get up. Who the fuck?

He just kind of was like – he just got used to the point. He was a senior too. So he was like, yeah, I'm thinking about going to A&M for marine biology. But also I don't really know. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And then all around us just straight like thin red, you know, thin red line, like, like just bananas flying past your ear. No, I think if, uh, if we had a food fight at our school, they would have called the

SWAT team most likely. Oh yeah. It was pretty, it was a, you know, they kept a tight rein on things, but, uh, it was also a much smaller school than you went to. So, you know, what was to. What A was your school? Do you remember? We had just moved up to 3A. Yeah, we were four.

Oh, no big deal. Just a little bit better than me. No, I mean like just in terms of student popularity. Okay. Yeah. No, I actually went to 90A. We had NFL coaches as history teachers and Tom Brady was there. Yeah, the weightlifting coach was

Jay Cutler. It was pretty cool. I'm trying to imagine like, so did you know anyone who did, did you do like athletics in high school? Did you play football or anything? I played baseball for like one year. And then I did you know a little stuff here and there yeah tennis i worked out with like the football players and it was insane like again this is like 2010 those

love it i don't know if anything's changed because i don't talk to high schoolers uh but you know guys would be like yeah um my dad, he's talking about getting me on something called Tremble On, Trendo, and it didn't ring any bells with me as a kid, but I got older and I was like, dude, I totally knew 16, 17 year olds who were putting up like 290, 300, but their bodies are not done forming and it was only because like their dads were like, this is called wind stroll. I'm going to put it in you because the NFL draft, you're going to get drafted your junior year. You're going to be a commit or collegiate draft.

You're going to get, you're going to be a commit to UT or West Virginia and it's not going to happen. And they're not going to test you when they commit you. You're only going to get tested when you walk. So like just a couple of kids I knew who just, yeah, they were just straight doing like trend below and like, you know, deck a ball and shit at like 16 years old. Because I thought I had like a weird like insecurity about it. I was like, am I like, why are these other 16-year-old kids

like putting up so much more weight than me? And it wasn't until I would talk to them that like, sometimes there'd just be a corn-fed retard out there who was like, and would just squat like 600 pounds at 15. But nine times out of ten it was because they were being fed like horse fucking steroids, like racehorse steroids at like 16 years old. Yeah, I – at my school, that really wasn't a thing. Like, we did, I mean, I know people who, in college, as they moved on, ended up cycling. But I only knew, like, neighboring schools, it was pretty common. The ones where they were actually good at football and stuff.

But there was one guy who literally did like two weeks of the cycle. And he like gave up. I remember – so when I first started doing like combat sports, I started with Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I was like 15 and I was wrestling at like 155, which at like six feet all the time, like that's just like it's super – it was hard to get there. And it was like – it was dangerous. dangerous it sucked like it wasn't fun and i was still like 15 or 16 so it was easier than now much easier i have a hard time hitting 180 now but anyway i would wrestle guys you know like you beat like one or two people like you sub them or whatever and then you get to like there are guys that are 155 that are like 5'3". And they're just like purple.

And like that is one of the stereotypical cliche signs of a guy that's juicing. In these types of competitions, they were local ran. They had no drug testing. They had no doping policy. So if you were juicing and you were an athlete, you could compete and win. It didn't matter. So a lot of times – not a lot of times. That's being unfair. But like one out of every like five or six competitions I did growing up for like no-gi Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is like you're just in your –

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what it is. You'd take out like two guys either by points or by sub and the third guy you'd get to, you'd go from like the novice division. You'd move up to – maybe you'd move up to intermediate to like get the gold or whatever and there'd be a guy there i was six feet or 155 uh basically skin and bones you know i had some advantages and there would be a guy who's like 32 okay five two five three all lats like creed arms white open ass motherfucker like could not hug his son if he wanted to and he's just as he's purple like a sunset from head to toe and he's he's got like the veins that

like come in around the eyes for the bodybuilders like you see them like that yeah and i'm like dude this guy's gonna he's gonna eat me like he's gonna like he's gonna double leg me into the fucking dirt and sure enough like that's what would happen like there's nothing i could there's not like they weren't everywhere but they were you know relatively common where like again there was no doping so they were just like i'm like all right i'm gonna keep my distance you know he can't shoot on me wrong they would clear like half the mat and then would just pick me up and dump me on my head and i'd be like holy fucking shit Not only is this guy older than me, he has dad strength, but he's purple.

And his veins are like coming out of the inside of his eyes. He's got veins on his bones. Like his knuckles, you can see where they're meandering like a river. And I'm like, oh my fucking god. And I would lose.

Of course I'd fucking lose. I wasn't that good at the time. i don't care how good you are but like though it was just insane to me like it was kind of like hitting my early 20s and finding out that everyone i knew did cocaine because i was a teenager i was like oh cocaine's a hard drug only weirdos do it and i started doing it yeah like I got in my early 20s and like people who were straight – like straight-laced kids in college are like, hey, do you got 20 bucks? I'm like, yeah. Like why? They're like, well, I'll pay you back on Thursday. I need to get like a 20-sec.

I'm like, a wheat? They're like, no, a blow. And I'm like, weren't you like model UN president? And you're like, yeah, now I work at Chili's. So I need you to give me like, I need you to give me $20 so I can buy like a 20 sec. Like now. So where is it? It was just like. Yeah.

I never got too into that. As you know, I sort of just like. Yeah. Well, I mean, too into that as you know i i sort of just like for sure yeah well i mean it is something i've done but i like uh i had one of those times where like you do something and then you just have like the worst anxiety ever yeah and you're like uh that wasn't fun for me yeah and also i just don't want to be a guy who does it. I mean, I don't actually do anything now. That sounds like when I'm denying

something, but I actually don't. Yeah, no. I will unironically vouch for Thomas. I'm just

addicted to rain energy now. Nicotine? You know, I tried to get a sponsorship from Rain Energy. I filled out a whole application and everything and told them I was-

Why? Through Twitter? I emailed them and I told them I was a fitness influencer and I sent them a couple of my videos of me bench pressing 135 to Hall & Oates. That rocks. They did not get back to me. Hall of Notes. That rocks. They did not get back to me.

And to those of you who may have messed that up for me and tarnished my perfect image that I've curated over the years, well, that's on you. And when I die by suicidal gutter wound to the head? Yes.

Yeah. Double tapped the back of the head by myself. That's because of you. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. That's because of you. But yeah, I'm hoping we can get us maybe G Fuel sponsorship soon. Before you get a Twitch channel or whatever. Yeah. Start streaming chess because we're intellectuals.

Yeah. I've been trying to get Miller Highlight to sponsor me for like a few months now because it's not a – people do drink it. It's a very popular brand, but it's not as popular as like Miller Lite or Bud Light. And like since I hit the 10K mark, I'm like, all right, look, I'm a bigger account now. And so a beer like Miller High Life should just sponsor me because I drink it and I like it and I have the following. But then I realized that like Miller is a global brand. Yeah, I mean everyone knows about them. Yeah, they don't care.

It's not even a less drink. It's less drink than Miller Lite, but it's not even a rare beer. It's not like they need the... Miller High Life is an incredibly popular beverage. So how much money could you make them? Like $40? Because they sell for so cheap yeah like like they make more money it's like going to course and being like hey i

have 11 000 followers so do you want to sign the check or like that they make more money off you buying the product than other other people would yeah product 100 yeah that was a great one yeah i i don't know i don't i don't know what's what's the next move for me you know yeah we should get you um a new piercing maybe like one around the the eyes like one of those weird ones my girlfriend was like you'd look really hot with a septum and so i sent a photoshopped like and not even photoshop it was an instagram filter with the septum on to a couple of my friends who i care about and they're like hey man uh would i look good with this and every one of them and i do mean every one of them was like i would beat the dog piss out of you if you got you are 27 years old almost like you have a baby's face you do

look younger you do not look 27 but you are 27 so yeah no and i was like well i mean i've gotten a couple good like maybes and i think maybe it would look cool. And they're like, if you would have done it at 23, we wouldn't have said anything. But you're going to be 30 in 36 months, so that window is going to be gone. Just because you have the same nose as the old guy from Breaking Bad, they're like, you can't do it. No. I have a very good nose, thank you. It's a very nice nose. No, I wasn't saying it was a bad nose. He has good nose, thank you. It's a very nice nose. No, I wasn't saying it was a bad nose. He has a good nose, too.

It's just the same nose. It's just big. Yeah, it's a big one. Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell. See, I don't have enough room in my nostrils for receptive piercing. I have a somewhat rat-like nose. And a lot of people like that about me. It's very easily broken.

I think it's funny that you're looking at – we're the only one with videos now. But something I've noticed about myself and yourself is that both of us have – I have very feminine facial features. The soft eyebrows, the no facial hair. But I have like a Serbian Special Forces guy's nose. It's just like – but nothing else about it. And then like the cheekbones of a meth addict and then you obviously the beard the hair but then you have like a little girl's nose like you have like it's actually no it's it's it you it's it's it's a little it's it has a hook in

it it does from the side profile but from when you're staring straight at you they can't see girl nose it's a girl you're a little girl. You're a little girl, dude. You're a little girl. It's like a nose that like a hot girl would have. And it'd be like Like a what?

Like if it was a girl's nose it'd be like a hot girl's nose. No, it would be like a And she'd be like on Instagram like I should

I need a nose job. I hate my nose. And then everyone would be like No. No, it looks good. Dude, we should get rhinoplasty. Get little button noses. Dude, I literally don't have a girl's nose. Dude, the profile, you got the pronounced arch, but from the front view, you got a small nose, man.

You got a little girl's nose. It's small. It's narrow. It's not small. It's small. Look at my honker. Nobody can see this but us. No, you have a big nose. I'm not denying that. It's huge.

Mine is small in comparison. No, it's just small in general, man. Also, mine's crooked because I've been punched, but it's fucking... I've made Thomas self-conscious. He's not even talking to me anymore. He's super in his own head right now. I'm looking at the webcam because it's not... Look, it sticks out. It's a quarter of a circle. That's the profile.

That's the profile. Yeah, it's a profile. It's part of the nose. You can't ignore the profile. You just got a wide nose. Alright, folks. Well well that should do it for the week Thomas is really upset with me right now it's not even a small nose it's not like

it's a big nose it's just a regular sized nose anyway thanks for tuning in this is probably the best episode we've ever done oh yeah it's up there it's up there

if you're listening to this for free right now you should go to patreon.com slash pandejo time and you should give us a subscribe

it's five bucks a month for all of our backlog we used to have the audio is good now but it used to be really good

like the first five episodes so yeah check that out if you get a chance. Check that out. Anyway, thanks for listening, folks. Peace, love. Thomas has a girl's nose.

He's a girl. Goodbye. No, it's actually a guy's. All right. Yeah, I stopped it. For some reason, I cut myself off. Like, I knew that you'd cut me off. And so I, like, instinctually also cut myself off like I knew that I knew that you'd cut me off and so I like instinctually also cut myself off yeah no it'll be good I'll stop record no it was pretty good

I mean uh it was no wait no I didn't stop recording did I silly me I didn't I just