Pendejo Time - Facebook Love Affair

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

let yo bih go through yo memories    THOMAS IS HEADLINING IN NEW YORK. I REPEAT, THOMAS WHITE IS HEADLINING IN NEW YORK. YOU NEED TO GET THOSE TICKETS  PHILLY, YOUR TIME HAS COME. ME AND THOMAS WILL BE AT NEXT IN LINE COMEDY CLUB SATURDAY JANUARY 24TH AT 9:30. TIX ARE RUNNING LOW. DM ME ON INSTAGRAM @JAKERHODESCOMEDY IF YOU WANT TO COME BUT MONEY IS TIGHT. I RESERVED SOME COMP TICKETS I KNOW THE HOLIDAYS COST A BUNCH OF MONEY  WATCH OUR NEWEST VIDEO EPISODE WITH THE VERY FUNNY ADAM GILBERT  Through Hims, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for ED, like Hard Mints and Sex Rx plus Climax Control, if prescribed. GET HIMS

Hello, hello, hello, hello. Welcome, welcome. This is the ad read at the beginning of the show. I repeat, the ads at the beginning of the show are starting right now. To get simple online access to personalize affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit Hems.com slash PT. That's Hems.com slash PT for your free online visit. Hems.com slash PT. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan.

Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not. approve of verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for details restrictions and important safety information what's up man how you doing i heard did you melt you melted the the dishwasher yeah i was doing dishes uh with all the lights off this morning um um ran it and um uh ran it and you know wasn't i wouldn't really say it was a perfect execution right usually you when you run a dishwasher that's just kind of makes a smooth noise and it smells like kind of like water uh-huh yeah and soap yeah and I managed to

produce more of a burning melting plastic smell yeah and uh and a and a melting of the dishwashers so you know not really an ideal

situation but at the same time um not really some I'm not really freaking out either because I the parts like 40 bucks so yeah I was gonna add sometimes you I thought it would be really expensive but once I looked up the parts or whatever turns out the

as long as you don't fuck up the whole thing dishwashers aren't that big of a deal yeah I guess my question is like how did you how did you what setting did you have it on to produce such a heat I think so I think

the arm was just kind of laying there on the heating element yes okay when I I don't know if it was like that when I started got you but I remember it being a little bit wonky before because I had recently cleaned the

filter and I don't know if I put that back together wrong or what but what I'm leaning toward is that in some way it was my fault I don't really Understandable, yeah Doesn't really seem to be like a normal maintenance of a dishwasher to where part of it melts

So I don't think What I decided not to do is I decided not to tell my landlord about this This is not In no way is this my dishwasher really Right But It doesn't need to be your problem outside of

Doesn't really I've already I think hooked up the dryer downstairs. I forgot about that. I've already taken screws out of the railing and lost them. Are you like bit by bit like stealing the whole brownstone? Yeah. Like the whole apartment.

You know, certainly not. You also threw your wallet away, didn't you? And you like something like that? Through my wallet away, through my social, got rid of my social security. card got rid of my driver's license got rid of um got rid of all my debit cards all that um just kind of start it over i was breaking down a bunch of cardboard boxes and i believe i'd threw away my belongings as well that was when i first moved here so that was cool um and i went to the dmv

and they were really understanding of a guy who had lost everything I brought literally everything yeah I know I remember at the time I remember getting an argument

with this Nigerian guy over whether I was faking my electric bill um why would you do that right so the thing was you couldn't bring a printed out bill but I was

the the only electric company here does paperless billing right so i just printed out the official pdf they send me yeah like i didn't screenshot it or anything but i printed it out at the library and um so it was like a low on ink printer but it showed everything i needed and he was like, you know, he was like, this is a screenshot. And I was like, no, it's printed out. Like, it's, why would I, why would I take a screen?

Why would I take a screenshot and then print that out? That doesn't make sense. And he was, he was straight up like, you were lying to me. This is a screenshot. I know a screenshot. And I was like, why the fuck would I lie about living in New York City? Like, why would I, it would make more sense for me to say I was living somewhere else and actually live in New York City

because you have to pay way more taxes just specifically for living in the city limits you think I'm lying so that I can get my driver's license to say that I live in Brooklyn this fucking stupid so we were going back and forth about that yeah I was like this is this is retarded yeah it's stupid as fuck and he's like about to

fucking you know I don't don't mean this in an offensive way at all but he seemed like he was honestly about to throw a spear at me over this I mean that in the nicest way

politically correct way I mean that yeah I wish he had been wearing a shirt I wish he had been wearing a shirt during this interaction it would have been more normal but um

no he had on a big necklace and it was made out of bone and he was covered in paint I didn't think it was honestly I didn't think it was very professional but who am I to judge the DMV is different everywhere

yeah the DMVs yeah here stands for de mango van and you can buy amazing mangoes out of it you can't really get any paperwork done yeah it's a horrible plates to bring your belongings

he's probably mad because I was bringing him stuff yeah but yeah you know sometimes not everything goes your way and you just kind of got to make the best of it still wasn't that bad of a day I'm a little bit paranoid right now because there's a flu going around at work and and it doesn't seem like it doesn't seem like something that I'm not going to get it seems like I kind of

I feel it creeping over my shoulder right now. I don't know. I see what you mean. You know, when you just kind of, like I don't feel, I don't really feel bad right now. I don't feel that bad right now.

Yeah. But there's a little something in my chest where I'm going, well, that's not there normally. Mm-hmm. Could just be the win, though. We'll see,

but your body's deciding if it's going to get sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My body's definitely encounter it. My body's definitely encountered it quite a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, most everybody I've been

in a truck with this week has had it and I've been trying to fight it off by drinking a little bit of a tiny cup of tea every day and then a lot of candy and chips and stuff like that too so that the sugar so that the nerds gummy clusters they are very sticky

that helps absorb disease especially when you inhale them yeah lungs yeah absolutely I tried one of the new limited edition flavors today Ooh, what are we working with? I forget the name. Well, one of them was like kind of a cherry lemonade thing.

And the other one was something similar. It wasn't as good as the very berry. I think very berry is goaded. It is maybe, you know, maybe my favorite candy. And I think that's just, and I don't think that's controversial. I think it's one of the best. candies out there i think it's delicious yeah very very nerds gummy clusters i mean i mean they they really did something with that they really i don't know what the fuck they were doing

like they were just they were just doing because in my mind you know how you can tell when a product is like oh you wanted to find something to do with the scraps so this is like like a lot of the cheap roll your own tobacco stuff is literally the shit that falls on the floor and then it's just repackaged by philip morris as like mr dunnington's a rollable you know it's like it's actually like the shit and they charge you know an arm and a leg for it because people want to roll their own cigarettes like either because they're 90 or because they're homosexuals but i something about nerds gummy clusters gives me the idea that they were the leftover scraps from the nerds rope or perhaps some other type of nerds

gummy candy and they hit fucking pay dirt with it you know what I mean like it because you know this is America we eat every part of the goddamn Buffalo so I think like it's such a delicious

candy in it it seems like it came apart came by as an accident I don't know that's for sure obviously if anybody has their nerds history on lock on lockdown sound off in the comments I went to type it in and the last thing I have on

Sephora is melted plastic on heating element let's see nerds history nerds gummy cluster history this reminds me of

when I went over to my rich gay Zach's new house and I went to watch some put some music on his YouTube or like something on his YouTube and his most recent searches were a history of the Big Mac

playing guitar with alcoholic neuropathy Benzo withdrawal and then the Battle of the Boyne, B-O-Y-N-E, which was the decisive battle that kind of kicked off the troubles. Not really kicked off the troubles. That was in the 60s. The Battle of the Boyne was 400 years earlier. But much of the tensions between the Protestants and Catholics in the area

was one of the decisive wars, battles that kind of kicked off that whole thing that still exists to this day. History, the Ferreiro Group purchased Nestle's American Candy Business in 2018 as a nerd sales were declining. Yeah, let's get our money up and let's hire at Mr. Fadero, because he's got a lot of it. Ferrara candy company took control the non-chocolate brands. Scientists began to rework the candy. Uh, what the fuck? They got scientists involved. Never mind. I was way off. After the release of gummy clusters, nerds annual sales increased from 50 million in 2018 to 850 million in 2024. Holy fuck. They got a bunch of Italian scientists in this, motherfucker and said let's make a delicious goddamn sumptuous treat and it fucking worked

oh and then they got addison ray on it and sales declined but they're back up because shibuzi got involved anyway what a delicious dude i'm going to get some on the way to the comedy show actually i'm not because i'm supposed to be fucking trying to go on a diet and go to the gym and all i've done is diet and not go to the gym and i'm trying to fucking climb goddamn mountains here in like six months from my honeymoon and boy oh boy boy am I a fat fuck with an absolutely

fucking diabolically bad cardio oh they're known for their multi-textured and multi-sensory experience that's the dude if I love experiences they have to be multi-texture

and multi-sensory they won product of the year 2024 product of the year that's pretty sick for innovation in the candy category

very nice Some distance runners and athletes have used gummy clusters And a portable high-energy snack during endurance activities I've heard that I also use it during activities like like like like driving Jacking off or playing High intensity activities like getting high blood pressure on the couch Watching television I had some high-performance diet Coke with a big bag of them today

Oh, I had a moment today. Okay, so I went to this place, it's kind of Greek spot or whatever for lunch because I was trying to get like a grilled chicken, you know, a thing with a salad or whatever. I was trying to get something healthy today. Some slop. I was trying to get something that wasn't, I really wanted a big, styrofoam container of sesame chicken and it was right next to it

but I said no we're not going to do that today and I got the Greek food but instead of $9 for the sesame chicken it was like $22 for the Greek food Jesus Christ which I wasn't stoked on but I was like whatever I mean I'm I'm I'm in it to win it

yeah yeah and it was one of those was sucks yeah it sucks but it was one of those were the I mean it was good but it was one of those where they've got a fridge outside of the counter area. And when you get a drink, you're supposed to just grab it. Like little seizures? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Old school stuff. Okay, I paid $2.50 for a can of Diet Coke. And then I forgot to grab it. Oh. And I got back to work. And I realized that I didn't have it. And I thought about it for a full hour. And then on my drive home from work,

I found street I parked illegally I parked in front of a fire hydrant I went in there and I thought I thought to myself you know what it's time for me

to start getting what I want and I went in there it's just a bunch of stone teenagers who don't give a fuck about their jobs and in my head I had a few different

possible ways that it could go yeah yeah of course Jake when I tell you they did not give a fuck if I wanted to grab a drink out of that cooler. Yeah, yeah.

I said, hey, I was here earlier and just a heads up and I got a drink and I forgot to grab it. And you know what? I'm just going to go ahead and grab it right now if that's okay.

I said, yeah. Yeah, that's usually how that shit works. All right, sounds good. Sounds good. And he said, yeah, sorry. So, yep. All right, well, thank you. Just going to grab this and go now.

And then as I left, I grabbed him by the collar and I said, listen here, you little fucker, you little fuckhead. Next time, when a white man comes in here and he wants a Diet Coke, you fucking remember it. And he walks out without it. You say, hey, sir, hello.

You forgot your Diet Coke. Instead of just giggling with your gay sex friend. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Your gay sex friend. Now, this is a word to all the wise listening to the show. You would be surprised. Actually, maybe you wouldn't be surprised

if you've worked in any of these, like, food service or retail. you would be surprised if you're down your luck and money is short how kind of easy it is to just steal um little things little consumable goods i don't there are times when i uh i'm especially if i'm doing like a river thing or like anything outside and they put me on ice duty i go into the gas station you know i get a couple 24 zpexies i get a tall boy for the road hypothetically speaking and then you know i get that text it's like yo get ice am i going to go back in and get the ice no i'm probably just going to because a lot of them are unlocked

probably just going to open that bad boy up and i'm going to throw a bunch of ice in the car and drive off uh because it's ice and uh i don't what are you going to do call the police yeah they probably would if they caught me doing that but they haven't yet so it is what it is um but the bigger point i'm trying to make is is that um to thomas's experience and many of mine uh you know obviously everything's a gamble, but if it's like a, if the place looks like shit, there's a solid chance you can maybe get a free soda. Maybe you want a soda, you don't want to pay two bucks, maybe just get it from the little cooler, the fridge.

I, the bar I live above is stupid enough to have like a gas station. It's kind of like a kitschy little thing. They have like a gas station fridge, like where the tall boys are. They have one of those, but just that. And it sits to the right of the bar. And it's filled with beer. I remember. Yeah, you've, yes, you've seen it.

So, you know, a guy like me, maybe the line's really long to get a beer. Maybe I just go over there and I open it and I get a beer and I close it. You know what I mean? The bar staff is super busy. I live above the bar. What's the landlord going to do? Hey, man, could you pay for that beer? Yeah, sure, no problem, man.

Sorry, I forgot. Fuck you. I've probably, I've gotten so many tall boys out of there. And then I just walk around with it too You leave the bar People say well you can't drink in the street The cops will get you Yeah they might

But sometimes it's nice to walk around With a beer in public And smoke a cigarette And some places aren't as The libertine and beautiful Anarchist society of New Orleans So you got to Maybe you hide it in the jacket sleeve

And I'll just say Sometimes it's nice to shoot up And pass out on the street too You shit yourself sometimes that feels good well you know what actually I was going to say I don't know if I agree but you know what I'll tell you right now

it feels so good that you like destroy your life you destroy your relationships that's how good it feels to do that it feels so good that you move outside as I've said before that's that's how good it feels so if you ever feeling like you know

oh I want to take a walk on the wild side steal some candy do a little bit heroin it's okay man it's no problem dr carl hart in his book drug drug use for adults i think is the name of it says that anybody can have not anybody but he says that a little bit of heroin is fine and sometimes to take the edge off he does heroin uh and he does it you know a couple times a year um and when i read that i because i really wanted to read that book a drug use for adults when i read that i thought wow i wonder if i could ever get to a point where i

I could just do a little bit of heroin. The answer to that question is no. A resounding no. But it is nice to know that there are guys out there who have it like that. I've met a couple people who are like, yeah, I've tried it. It wasn't really my thing. And I'm like, you tried a horse? You tried a little white china and it didn't fucking immediately grip you by the fucking spirit.

They were like, nah, no. And I was like, damn. You know, some guys have all the look. Yeah. You also know a guy definitely doesn't have a heroin problem when he's writing books. about how he does not have an issue with it at all. Wait, what? A guy who's writing books about how he doesn't have...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One thing that's really interesting about me doing drugs is that I haven't... I don't have a problem with it, and I don't really think about it much. And that's why I wrote this book. I didn't think about that. That's actually very, very, very funny.

One thing I do is I don't abuse it. My wife knows. She knows that a couple times a year. What am I doing right now? Not drug abuse. It's called science. I have a job. I'm a doctor.

My name is Dr. Carr Hart. Just like. I'm a working class doctor. And I like, and I shoot up through my jacket. Yeah. Yep. If, if, if I was. Do you really think a functioning drug addict could work at a university?

Do you think a functioning drug addict could teach psychology at the City University of New York? I study the science where I do heroin and I fuck 22-year-olds. Not everyone can do this, by the way. I want to make it very clear. Not everybody can do this. I do heroin. I fuck 22-year-olds and I bench 250 pounds. And this is all part of science.

This is all about destigmatizing addiction, by the way. And so sometimes I'll do a little speedball, text a couple 22-year-old interns, and then I'll go bench-press a bunch, and then they'll have dreadlocks also. Very important aspect of it is the dreadlocks. Does he have dreadlocks? Yes, he does.

Well, he did like when I saw the interview. Yeah. White guy with dreadlocks. No, he's black. He's black. This is a black man. We're talking about. Okay.

Does that change things for you? Or is it? No. No, it doesn't. Ah! Okay. I just want to make sure we're on the same page. Yeah, it doesn't really affect anything.

Doesn't affect your perception of the story or the situation? Okay, me neither Me neither, me neither Yeah, me neither Let's see, so this Yeah, no, I'm sure this guy No, this is cool, man Oh, fuck

Oh man I'm sorry It's just really funny I like that you thought he was white No, I don't assume scientists are white Jesus Christ Carl Hart is not a

You know that's a You're the one who said he looks like Jar Jar Binks I did not say that I didn't say that Carl Hart is white for a white guy's name I I assume if a guy's name is Carl Hart That he's white

I guess that's just me No I'm with you on that I'm with you on that 100% Oh wait I okay and I also got one thing wrong He doesn't work for Cooney He is a goddamn tenured Professor

at Columbia so I'm maybe maybe he does know a thing or two I'm sorry Dr. Hart um beer but uh so what is his thing what was his thing

what was his do you see you in Y yeah Cooney yeah yeah yeah yeah that's how people say it right I think they say CUNY CUNY okay

fuck I'm sorry I really dude I'm not even fucking I'm not playing. I'm not playing. I'm sorry. I do this nearly like every other episode. I do it every other episode. The thing is I I I just want I just wanted to give you chis. I know that could be how it's brother's. I just wanted to be on the same page because I just I just hadn't whenever you said oh I thought he worked here I thought oh I don't know what that is but City University of New York. That people say CUNY, people say that. I, I think people say CUNY, but maybe they don't, you know, maybe. I mean, it would make way more sense for it to be CUNY instead of how I said it.

Right. The nature of the world. But I, trust me, this is a place where I work. fuck no no i really i really i do this like fucking people somebody pointed this out there like jake keeps like accidentally stumbling on or like accidentally saying like old school ass words slurs no i i dude you know what's funny is i've been calling it cooney my whole life and i've been in new york a lot and i've talked i have friends who live there and i've and i've and i've got you know uh a lot of connections out there have been out there a bunch and i have a friend

who went to CUNY and when he came back to Texas I was like how was your time at Cooney and he said oh it's all right it's just like you know it's like any kind of state school it's just a little bit bigger because it's New York and I said awesome it could maybe it is like that I think I'm also as extra careful apprehensive um especially with being like the only white guy at my work right right right I got it I got so a thin line yeah of course so the people know I'm on their side You're 100% You're 100,000, I just Googled it

You are 100 per thousand percent correct And I am wrong It literally says, I said, how do you pronounce CUNY CUNY? There's a mouth It's the Google mouth And it's doing the entire phonetic American pronunciation QE to be 100%

And what Jake definitely wasn't saying is that that guy works at a different college called that There's not a separate college there's not there's only one college stop yeah thankfully it's just one college there's not two different ones oh god damn it anyway I want to get back to this

motherfucker sorry the certified ultimate certified ultimate he works at Columbia University according to heart most studies show that drug users cognitive abilities and functions are

within the normal range Stanford Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic head Anna Lemke said Intelligent informed people can disagree on the disease model of addiction and that there is evidence that long-term drug use can alter the brain in a different way than learning a new language or a musical instrument. Hart has said that in absence of other outlets and activities is one reason that people use drugs. I'm trying to find the thing

about how he says it's cool to do heroin is fine. heart revealed that he is a recreational user of heroin and other drugs he says he's not an addict but uses drugs responsibly in pursuit of happiness god damn if that ain't the motherfucking t r u t h dh dr hart fuck what's what's the fundamental difference then of when i do it i'm just pursuit of happiness i've got a little something i call dynamite theory I've been working on dynamite explosion theory. Anybody, anybody can hold in their hand a stick of dynamite and blow their arm off at the shoulder.

And it is for certain people under certain socioeconomic circumstances totally fine. It will not harm the person. Certain amounts of big booty can be. known to increase a man size tenfold sir what university

sir this is CUNY oh my God oh I'm sorry I thought I was this is me Thomas but I thought I was somewhere else I was trying to do a cool voice

yeah I was We'll leave at post-haste. Yeah, I'm sorry. I feel like I held on to that one a little too long. I genuinely did not know. Thank you, everybody, for being patient with me and let me learn and grow. It's crazy, though. I genuinely don't.

Like, I remember reading this book. Or I got, like, halfway through it. And, like, he makes a good case. but like Like he Like it's all You know Like he backs his

Whatever the fuck Like he's an actual Like doctor And he's a smart guy But see I When I when I finished When I stopped reading I didn't get to finish

I had to I had like You know When faced with a bunch of evidence to something And but in your mind you go All of this I totally understand why I like how Maga people end up

Like that Because I'll read that book and I go, yeah, this guy makes a great case that drugs have a bad stigma associated with them, and heroin is safer than alcohol, and crack cocaine is safer than alcohol, and then people can use drugs and it's totally fine

versus, nope, they can't. This is pure self, this is pure projection of my own inability to recreationally use drugs, but if I can't do it, no one can, and they all have to be illegal, that's my understanding. I used to be like decriminalized, I've since done a complete 180.

I think we should ban alcohol. I think we should, I think that you should not have access to anything because I think, I think I should be put to death if I do, if I do any drugs again, that are not prescribed to me. I just got, yeah, you know, you got to put a short leash on old daddy. Hey, you know, but here's the thing, pal, they don't put a short leash on a little dog. You put a short leash on the big dog. And big dog want to do some heroin.

And big dog want to do some H. And rip up a little dog in the driveway. Jack off under the bridge with the dog. Yeah, and call out of work six times in a week. There's only five working days. How is it possible? There's only five working days. I call out a lunch.

Say, I'm eating lunch at home, bitch. I call my boss twice to let him know. make sure I ain't coming in. I'm taking a break from fucking off. I'm coming into work just to call out when I'm done. First thing in the morning, 7 a.m. I call in. I say, hey, I'm not going to make it.

Boss says that's the second time this week. And then I call again around lunch to remind him I will not be there. I won't be there still, bitch. I'm gone. I'm a doctor of heroin. I'm Dr. Heroin. I work at White Bitch University. I work at Turf Bangs, Nose Pierce University.

I work at $11 Sheen's Sun Dress University. I'm not going to take no lip. I'm not taking no lip. I'm shooting up in a purple spandex dress right now. I'm watching a show called The Robinettes that I made with my cousins. They do heroin, too. They do heroin. We've been doing heroin.

because we was babies fuck oh man thank you for this guest lecture I do heroin and I get pussy from the students at my school and my name is Dr. Heroin. If anybody

have any questions ok-doke that's very simple. I got a question Okay, yeah, you in the back With drillics make my boopies big girl Some of them do, yeah Some of them will make you gain weight And some of that weight might go to your breasts

Okay What if I'm 80? It don't matter Even if your breasts are too... What if my toenails are painted white? You can do that With or without the use of recreational drugs Okay

You can do that on your own time Pretty much at any time you want to do it Regardless of your age or your body composition. And do we have a mid-read? We do have a mid-read. Are we about that? Oh, fuck.

Yeah, we do. I'm sorry. That's okay. Ah! This is the ad read at the... This is the ad read. This is the ad read at the middle of the show. I repeat.

This is the ad read at the middle of the show. In the middle of a very funny moment of the show. According to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 30 million men in the U.S. experience, E.D. It's more common than a bad night's sleep. The good news, Hymns makes getting access to treatment simple, so you can feel like yourself again without the stress or awkwardness. Sometimes, you know what I mean?

Sometimes date night rolls around and you know. Oh, yeah. Dinner's 8.30 p.m., it's 9 a.m., and you know. ain't working. Yeah, so sometimes you know you're going to have to tape it up into a ball and insert it into her. You want to stop doing that? Untap yourself with hymns. Nephew, why you got all that tape on your dick?

Through hymns, you can access personalized prescription treatment. for ED, like, Hardmits, and SexRX Plus Climax Control of Prescribed. So if you're, if, if you need, like, you know, like, maybe you don't want to be on, like, a medicine, you know, you want something like at the dinner table. You just, you're talking with it. You're talking with your dingy in your mind. You and your dingy are having a mind conversation. You fellas know what I'm talking about. And your dingy is like, I'm not digging a night.

You better get, you better get hard and black. I think this might be our Mullen's Blue Chew moment. We'll see what happens. You better get hard and black. You better get hard of black, playboy. I'll be talking to my dinghy.

Hems will not make your weenie black. Hems will not make your weenie black. Hems offers access to ED treatment options reigning from trusted generics that costs 95% less than brand names to things like Hardman and SexRX, as previously mentioned. To get simple online access to personalize to affordable care for ED hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit Hems.com slash PT.

That's Hems.com slash PT for your free online visit. Hems.com slash PT. Actual price will depend on product and prescription plan. Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve of verified for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required to see website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Man, that would be crazy if it turned it black, too. I still think If you were you going with all that black dick

Did you say I thought you said the N-word for a second Kind of like cut out and I was like Okay And we're back to our regularly scheduled Programming with Toma saying the N-word Five years into the show Let's run it. Let's fucking do it man

Careers are going pretty middling That's all right Let's see what happens Careers are what they are They're about, you know, somewhere under middling, but not quite at the beginning. Just enough to mess with my regular day job. Yeah, just enough to make... Just enough to make me unpromotable.

That is so fucking true. Just enough to give my boss the indication that perhaps if it were to work out for me, you know, I can't be director of anything. And also, it takes up a lot of my time. My boss showed me a write-up this morning. I signed that shit and I said, you don't even got to say what this is for. I don't care. I don't care Put it on the record

Don't read Don't read nothing to me And I'll hit that school bus again Because you know what I do when I clock in, I run that damn ball. Yeah, I run that damn ball and I go shit for 30 minutes. I work from home.

Even at the job. I clock in and I run the fucking ball. I hit the school bus. I drive off. I go get a $38 box of Chinese food. I go get $38 worth of Greek food and eat it on a table where there

is rat droppings. I'm getting diseases. I get Honto virus. I'm on my I'm going out like Gene Hackman's wife I got Hotto virus I don't write me up I got Honda go write me up I'm eating rat droppings in the break room

I'm reading the heroin book thinking about doing heroin Yeah I'm out of breath from putting my gloves on Write me up Give a fuck I'm headlining three shows in January And making $126 after expenses Yeah I'm a big thing

Y'all don't even know I'm headlining a show I've sold two tickets to holler at me We're going to sell 100 tickets And then somehow end up losing $5 billion Speaking of which I really got to do the expense report And I don't want to do them anymore You don't have to

You can do them if you want It could be a Thomas's task of the I can do it Tommy's task I can do anything through Christ who lives inside of me. It lives inside of you. That's good.

Oh, yeah. I'm Thomas. Oh, my God. Sometimes it feels like fucking... It doesn't feel so fucking good to do my fucking thing. Oh, my God. You're being interrogated.

Like, they finally capture a serial killer and you're like, it feels so good to do my motherfucking thing. Oh, God, I feel so good about myself, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, I was listening and I was working and cleaning up the house a little bit today, and I was listening to that being geese and I, um, and I thought, you know, every year that passes, I've become, I used to be the same age as the, is the new guys.

And you thought to yourself, or maybe even younger, when you think to yourself, well, there's still time, there's still time. And every year that passes, you know, I hear about a new young buck in the music, acting, or comedy industry, and he is much younger than me. And I think to myself, well, I guess I'll just start killing people. I guess I'll start killing and hurting people and trying to destabilize the economy through acts of politically motivated violence. P.M.V. PMV motherfucker Yeah

I would never do anything like that I want to make it abundantly clear I know that thing Girl I'm trying to politically Motivate that mouth That powerhouse That car wash you got there I'm trying to get you to put me through the ringer

You got a deluxe setting on that Yeah I'm trying to get my Tiles I'm trying to get my tie polished can you polish my ties trying to get my I was about to say I'm trying to get my rims blasted why is it called a rim job but I remember now what that is and it's not up my alley everybody's alley it is everybody's got an alley why is I'm Googling that because it's around the rim of your ass I believe it called rim job

I have typed it like a caveman. There is no is in that sentence. Why is it called rim job? The term rib job is a slang term for analingus. Oral sex performed in the anus. And likely drives from the physical appearance of the anus as a rim or ring of muscle. Yeah, I mean, I guess... Yep.

Yeah, that makes sense. It's because I do it for... Because that's what I do it for a new set of dubs. Yeah, I do it for some Pirelli's. Yeah. I'd be licking butt hole and get my butt hole lick for Pirelli's. Spokes and vogue for some booty hole. Yeah, I lick ass so I can get new tires.

The Wikipedia page is a woman. The Wikipedia image is a drawing of a woman licking another woman's butt. And the person who made this image, if just in case you are curious, Thomas, he works for Wikipedia. As a professional, his name is seed feeder. Hmm. Holy shit, this guy Hold on a minute. Oh, okay, so you know how

in Wikipedia it says birth and death? And it's, you know, the year, so it says seed feeder is a pseudonymous illustrator known for contributing sexually explicit drawings to Wikipedia. But it said July 2008 to June 2012. So I thought this was a four-year-old kid and he died making cartoons

of butt sex and prostitutes but as it turns out he was only active during that time he died doing what he loved yeah yeah making draw making very accurate drawings of sex

well now he's making ones of missionary gay sex and I don't really I see enough of that you know I don't really need to see it I mean missionary gay sex is probably one of the easiest things to draw yeah yeah probably yeah

you just draw two guys who look like your friends and you put your friend's faces on and then you make the penises like your penis and then you make the penises

look like your friend's penises and then you send it to your friend then you send it to your friends and you say hey what do you think about it looks just like a picture I got my friend fucking me oh shit I mean oh not a man

hell no hell no to the non No, no. Hell to the no. Hey, to the now. No, no. I love doing meme songs.

Okay, let's go. It's just a Facebook video of just like a guy wearing a dress or something. Mm-hmm. And then everybody on face it. Hell no. To the now. Usually something normal. Yeah, it's something that like.

Or just like a lady making bad mac and cheese or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I kind of like I kind of like forgot how like homophobic your average like Facebook black guy is sometimes I go on there

to check my dad's my dad's page not to see if he's posted anything that would be funny but I get a little kick a little kind of macabre humor this time every year people who don't know that my dad bit to big bazooka will comment

Cheers to 57 Big Dave I hope you haven't heard from you Two beer emojis Fucking devil horn emojis Hope we can catch the Iron Maiduio show brother I don't want to ruin their I don't want to put him in a bad mood of nothing So I don't respond like

Actually he's in a box At my house Burnt Burnt to dust because that's all I could afford And he didn't want a funeral Now I don't want to ruin their time. Yeah, that's why I go

on there and I message them and I tell them instead. Jake's dad. Hey, um, Super dead actually. Never met Dave, but I figure this was mine to pass along. I'm a friend of Jake's,

I'm a friend of Dave's son. You've never met the guy. I'll go on Facebook and like some friends I knew from high school, you just made, you make Facebook friends with them. They're posting shit like that. It'll be like, and it's It's always old shit.

It'll be like a Little Nas X music video from 2017, and they're like, hell no, when did this, when did, what's happening to the world? When did he booty get so big? Hell no, he booty pink. Hell no. His, his, his, his booty to pink, hell to the yes. old black guy with Alzheimer's learning about January 6th every day and

I'm posting Ashley Babbitt getting fucking domed to that song every single day white folks Wednesday it's like 50 first dates What?

Fuck. God damn it. Are y'all seen this? Every fucking week. Y'all see this bullshit? They're doing in D.C. Oh, fuck. Oh, man.

White people be acting crazy. White people fucking stupid. True. True that. White people got that pussy Uncle, what are you saying? Grandpa I said, I don't care.

I know what I said, young. I know what the fuck I say. Your grandmama has been dead five years. I say what the fuck? White people pussy crazy. January 6th, 2021, never forget. Grandpa, you got to get off the phone, grandpa. You can't be.

can't be looking at the damn phone oh my god that's so fucking funny oh man my old boss will post shit like he'll post stuff like he was my foreman at one of the plastics plants I worked at Houston

every now and then he'll post like basically like a pro gay bullying post it'll be like a picture from pride or something and he'll be like motherfuckers like this we used to knock their teeth out

and that's the problem is nobody getting their teeth knocked out and then I'll see the comments would be like you know it's love is love and he'll just say hell no just one of those dudes that's like what if your son is gay I kill him

like they don't even try to like make it sound normal kill him with gun kill shoot his ass give him up you know sell him be him with pipe beat the dog shit out of my son I weld him weld his butt

I tick weld his ass shut. Weld his butt. Can't nobody get in? Weld his mouth. Weld his pee-p. He can't do nothing with it. Put his penis in my mouth so nobody can get to it. I do like a clockwork orange where I show him straight porn every day and then I weld his butt.

Because that's what we used to do. We're Gen X. I'm Gen X. We drank from the hose and we weld our kids' butt closed. You know what I'm saying? I'm a proud Gen X black father. Yeah Soon to be

Yeah I don't know why They gotta be So mad about that stuff Probably Probably I know the answer Probably a couple of stuff Going on

But Anyway Yeah it's always like Jarring Because I just forget I don't go on Facebook much I mean Twitter Twitter is basically

Like 8chan now And so I'm used to that level Of like Yeah I'm a Nazi And guess what I don't have sex And you go

Yeah There's nothing new Under the sun You go on Facebook And you see That old school stuff the old school stuff That's like, yeah

What if your son was black Kill him You know what's funny Is the cooking videos On Facebook versus Instagram I've noticed On Instagram It'll be like

Have you tried this cornbread This made with miso And honey butter And it's got rosemary And it's got like 45 steps And then on Facebook It'll be like

Try this easy hack at home to feed your family, and it's just straight up regular, like, bread. Oh, okay. Is somebody making, like, one tortilla. Oh, okay, got it. Like, just standard, like, if you just looked up, like, biscuit, you know, how to make a biscuit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know you could use flour, water, butter, and salt to make something really good?

People have been doing it for thousands of years, but did you know that if you add a little... Use yeast to make your bread rise. What the fuck? What knowledge have been you been walking around with you're like? You're fucking 55 learning about bread. Just die. What do you've been eating? I just processed goods.

That's the, that's probably. Yo, as you know, you can make Mrs. Baird's at home. And it's just as good. All you have to do is buy a loaf of bread, throw it out, keep the plastic, make this at home and put this in the plastic. This is how you feed your family. This is what a man do.

And it's always got the AI voiceovers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Using this tool, you can feed your family with six easy steps. I love the domestic, I don't love it, but the domestic abuse rage bait videos that it'll be like,

it's always blue collar guys. And it's like a guy filming himself, coming home like he puts the camera in front of the door and he comes home and he trudges and you know he takes his beanie off and his gator and his car heart kicks his cowboy boots off

and the caption's like you come home from work off of your fifth 12 hour shift in a row and there's hamburger helper on this stuff what are you doing and like 80% of the comments are like you know two black guys you got to tell twice

or I'm I'm smacking that bitch what or like and then one guy will be like yo hamburger helpers honestly like it's pretty good and you know like it's got everything you need and all the replies that guy like he ain't slapping his not slapping his bitch enough he's not smacking his bitch around enough and you're like ah yeah some guys lives are crazy some guys have lives much different from mine and they're basically you know completely gone uh and beyond help and but yeah it's always rage it's always like getting the purpose of the post is to get people to say i would

kill my whole family if i ever if that ever happened to me if my wife ever my tired well what would you do of your bid made jello on thanksgiving your beard your beard made jello let your bid go to your phone

what hey let your big go through your phone I've seen so many yeah I've seen so much shit like lately I feel like I've seen more some of them on Instagram too like you come home from a long day working in the heat and your girl ain't made dinner, what are you doing? And it's like, go find another girl.

And it's like, brother, you're a journeyman, you're a welder's apprentice. It's not really any options for you. If you got a good one and sometimes she's tired and it's just some slop, brother, kiss that girl on her fucking head and eat the slop.

Blug. Gross. I'm killing her. Let your big go through your phone. Let your big go through your real. or the other one is like your girl calls you she says that she needs to pick up

her ex-husband from the airport because he is stranded and she needs to take your car you have work early in the morning and she wants to go through your phone look all in your business yeah yeah they change the parameters to where the only option is killing the lady

your wife is hitting you and it's with a gun And she's sucking another man's dick at the same time. Is she's sucking another, she's sucking a white man's dick. Doesn't matter if you're white. You can be white. And she's having sex with a Puerto Rican, too. And your son is wearing a dress because of her.

Your children resent you because of your wife being a bitch. What do you do? What do you do? Yeah, those are funny. Your wife Your ex-wife has successfully convinced your kids That you are insane You've lost them

In a court In a custody battle Oh man Your kids want to live with your wife Because she is such a bitch Because she provides food and clothes for them And she's kind to them What do you do

What do you do if your bitch wife takes the kids That was like always I know we were A kind child A Chinese girl comes to protect you. Do you marry her and kiss her? 1,000 guys in the comments, yes, I will give her kiss. Yes, yes, I will kiss her. I will kiss her.

I will kiss her a lot, please. I do not like Asian, but I will kiss. They have an Asian wife in their profile picture. Oh, man. Yeah, so many guys on there just openly, like, with their, with, their wife's in the profile picture like if that happened to me yeah yeah i'm shooting her ain't no stopping me because i get mad i get i get crazy crazy she will unlock another side of me the killer side as opposed to the as opposed to the fat side the fat peaceful side currently she has a fat

peaceful side be a fat angry skinny angry sexy guy unlocked uh growing growing up growing up I was, it was the, I don't know, I mean, you know, your family, I think you used, your parents together, but growing up, like, I was raised in the culture of like, oh, my bitch wife, anything I can to get away from my fucking bitch, you know, oh, we're going to hang out in the garage, we'll go to the bar with the boys, and, uh, and as a kid, I was like, oh, that's, that's what marriage is, is you get married and then you do everything you can to avoid spending time with your wife And now

I mean I of course I love hanging out With my wife to be So I just didn't it never clicked for me So whenever I see that shit I'm like just fucking leave Why are you why are you Why are you sticking around I mean I know it's probably because they

Because she's just trying to take all his fucking money All of his $45,000 All his fucking money God Because she tricked him He would He was innocent and he fell in love.

Big mistake. When you fall in love, a bitch has control over you. So you can't be falling in love. That's why you have to be a weird, strange, mean guy. To everyone in your personal. So that women will not resent you. That always works. This one trick for no woman to resent you and for your kid to like you.

Be as crazy guy. Who's mean? Lash out Lash out at everyone Treat your family terrible Threat to kill yourself a lot Hurt your son Talk about how you are really a good guy

Because you have never killed your ex-wife Set the bar so low Set the bar very low It's very important That you set the bar as low Forget the term emotional abuse Oh man

Oh man Hey if you're out there And you're not And you have a short temper and you'd be hurting people Just cut it out Just cut that shit out man You're bothering everybody

No I'm just I got demons bro Yeah Yeah yeah yeah I know That's all right So does pretty much everybody You can be annoying in different ways like make a bedroom pop album or um i don't know maybe maybe be rude to people on the train

but a little but not but just a little rude you know you don't have to you don't have to uh spike your son like a football and you know what i mean by bro i got demons bro i know it's okay uh yeah well i wouldn't say in all cases sometimes people need to you know that there to be bad guys like me on the world you know to protect the good ones yeah no 100% I'm with you on that yeah yeah I protect women

yeah I'll protect I mostly protect other men kind of like a male protect not really a woman and children guy mostly like other guys mostly like full grown guys are fine that it can handle themselves yeah you're right buddy hey just checking

in if you're okay just want people don't check in on men I'm checking inside and out of all my boys. The male loneliness epidemic is getting really bad. So check inside of your boys. Check inside their mouth. And make sure they're not hiding a cyanide pill.

I need to fucking... God damn it. I need to shower because I got a spot, so I don't want to cut this one short. We're in an hour. Sorry, everybody. It's all good. It's not short. um if you're listening to this and you came to new york thank you so much uh had a really great time

um sorry about technical difficulties i will never do that club again that was a that was a final straw but i think everybody had a good time for the most part uh so thank you guys for coming uh we've got a show january 24th in philly uh at next in line comedy linktree dot com slash pendejo time or just link tree link dot tree slash padeo time whatever the fuck uh or you can find them on our two at my Twitter at Jake Broads, or Thomas at Leno Killer with a zero. You can find tickets to that. There, we are at a low ticket warning. It's an 80-seater club, and they gave us 10 complimentary tickets in case people can't afford tickets.

I know this time of here is hard for people, so three of those have been spoken for. So if you want to come to the show and you can't afford the ticket, it's totally okay. I've got seven comp spots left But other than that I think there's like We're like a month and a half out There's like 20 or 30 tickets left 20 25 so Low ticket warning on that

If you're going to come please get them now I will be Nah well this spot I'm got to go do it right now So I don't got really anything coming up in the motherfucking chamber But I'm working on some shit Thomas I know you got some shit you want to plug go ahead Just January 8th, I'll be at Keegan's ale house in Kingston, New York. Show starts at 8 p.m. if you are in upstate New York, come to that.

But yeah, come to the Philly Show for sure. It'll be a fun time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all for me. Hell yeah. Can you send me that link, actually, Tom? And then I'll throw it up on the thing. So people, I keep forgetting that in order of people to get tickets to that,

I should probably post a link in the description. That's all right. Texted to me. Yeah, thank you guys for listening, and we'll see you guys in Philly. Peace. Peace.