Pendejo Time - father science

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

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We have Asher Roth here with us. Asher Roth, tell us how much you love college and what you love about it. I guess one of my favorite things about it is I feel like I'm kind of a mix between a jock and a nerd. You know what I mean? I can hang with any crowd. I can hang with the dweebs, the super popular kids, the cheerleaders, the goths, the Mexicans. The goths.

The black guys. Well, I mean, most of the groups. Let's not get crazy. Yeah, let's not. Yeah, like, I mean, for, you know, a vast majority of the groups except me. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Like, you know, I feel like for me it's like, because high school, I was just running shit the whole time, basically.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you telling me that they called you the kingpin of high school. They called me Mr. High School. You know? Yeah. And, I mean, still to this day, people hit me up, and they're like, I remember going to high school with you, Thomas, and you were so so nice to me and you were such a good person during that time and

it's so cool to see i've always wished well upon you yeah and i mean you always treated people with such respect in high school it's just good to see you continuing to do well you know yeah and i say i just tell them i say yeah i'm doing well mentally, and, like, I always have. You know, and I am now, and I was then as well, you know. And I feel like I try not to let the fame catch up to me too much, you know what I mean? For sure. I can't let it go to my head because I know, like, I know I'm a superstar,

you know, but I can't act like that at the bodega, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can't go to the high school reunion thinking you're better than everybody, even though you are. Yeah, like, I mean, I know I'm probably the only one from my high school who's looking at buying a 2001 Saab with 160,000 miles on it. But that doesn't mean I should brag about stuff like that. Like, people are like, Thomas, how many broken down cars you got? Don't worry about it you know

what i mean but it's funny to go to like such as like because my high school wasn't as small as yours but it was like i feel like the type of schools we went to there's one like actually successful person and then like maybe you're like in the top 20 or top 10 of people who have some modicum of success, even if it's just like an internet thing. Cause for me, like in my graduating class is it's like one guy who is like a very successful UFC fighter.

And then nobody else did anything. So I gassed myself up and I'm like, yeah, me and Adrian, we're on the same path. He's a top 15 Bantamweight. Me, I have a middling podcast and I have a sub stack that makes $60 a month. So it's kind of like we're the same level of success, me and him. I haven't talked to him since geometry sophomore year.

But here's the thing. Him and I, if we linked up, we would have so much in common because we're both on our own paths of success. You know what I mean? Like we both grinded for what we wanted, you know, and we both sacrificed so much to get where we are today. You know, he, you know He sacrificed time and money and meals and time spent with his family to chase his dreams of being a professional athlete. And I just kind of ruined my life year by year until I had enough stories to tell on a show that I started with with my friend it's kind of like we did the same

thing him and i and that's how i see it you know whereas for you i feel like you went to a smaller smaller school so you have a better chance no man i'll be honest uh most people are most of the people i graduated with are doing a lot better than me. Really? But I mean, like, I'm saying, you know, like, I feel like I've got a pretty good life, but it's like not my own doing. You know what I mean? Right. I just have people around me who are who make my life good. But like saying, yeah, yeah, I'm not jealous.

I'm not jealous of, you know, like people I grew up with or whatever. But I do check Instagram and I'm like, I did not, no offense, did not expect you guys to be doing this well. Yeah. I mean, when we were all, you know, just taking, you know, just taking rips in the back of a Honda Pilot, I didn't think we were going anywhere. I think they're, like, for me, it's split down the middle.

It's like the friends I had that were like good friends that like, you know, they're all doing all right. But the friends that I had that were like, hey, do you think we could get high if we breathe in enough gasoline? Like those guys are those guys are not doing good. Yeah, it's it's not like those guys. I don't want to make it seem like I'm some sort of like turnaround redemption arc success story because I'm really not in the grand scheme of things. But a lot of the guys that I know that were like, hey, dude, I found out if you breathe in the stuff that you clean the keyboard with, you can see the devil. Like none of those guys are splitting the atom. Not to say that I am either, but it's funny to think like – I want to clarify, the guys that are doing good,

like I never wanted to be a petroleum engineer, partly because I'm not smart enough to be that. I'm not smart enough to be any sort of engineer. It was clear for me I failed math almost like two out of the four years in high school. But I know a lot of guys who just went straight to the plants after college. And you can come out making like obviously, really, really, really good money. But I never wanted that life. You know what I mean?

I never wanted to be a guy who goes to A&M, gets a mechanical petroleum engineering degree, and then just makes money forever. I don't know why that life didn't sound good to me. Even now, at 29, I'm like, that sounds like shit. And I don't know why that life didn't sound good to me. Even now, at 29, I'm like, that sounds like shit. And I don't know why. Because it's like, it's not really escaping the place you came from. Which I think

you wanted to be out of there more than you wanted to be. Successful, maybe. And I mean, successful is kind of subjective because it's like, I mean, you got, you moved away and you have a life somewhere else that you like better, you know, I would say, and you don't have to work in an oil refinery. I'd say that's success, you know. Yeah, I guess just like that was the way.

At the same time, you know, compared to a lot of other people's life accomplishments, you haven't really done anything. You know what I mean? Right, exactly. And that's true. I mean, I hate to say it, but when – At 29, you're kind of a loser. Yeah, I mean, you look at what Corey Feldman had done by the time he was your age. Johnny Manziel.

We're the same age. You look at what Macaulay Culkin had done. He'd been in three Home Alone movies by the time he was your age. And you haven't been in any. No offense. No offense. Well, time can tell. Yeah.

I mean, for me, I know that I am rich and successful, and that was always a goal to be a millionaire and have a yacht, which I do. And I have about 250 thoroughbred arabian racing horses and a lot of the best racing horses come from arabia because it's such a big country that to get across it it takes a very tall horse and that's why they're so fast is because a lot of them are over five feet tall, these horses. Yeah. And, you know, I have a big stable. It's in my backyard, and it's made out of wood because that's just kind of what I like my stables made out of.

But, you know, whenever I'm on my white yacht and I'm sitting down in the captain's seat because that's where I like to sit. Right. You don't have a captain. You drive your own 282-foot-long yacht. You don't charter a ship captain with a crew. You drive that yourself. And I'm eating fancy fish and fruit. And I've got it on a big plate.

You're eating the little triangle sandwiches that are just bread and lettuce. And my plate's made out of china which is very expensive it's made out of uh the kind of china that only goes in display cases at grandma's house and and um so i'm eating off of that type of china and i'm thinking about all the horrible poor people in the world and i'm going i and jake i don't mean this in an insensitive way but sometimes i just wish they'd all die you know what i mean but you know when you grandma when you get to our level it's like you have to realize who made you wealthy you know what i mean it's true you know like i think back for me it was the money the money made me wealthy money in the grind

my meemaw was really good at grinding and she had so much money when she died uh she had an insane amount of money i don't even want to say the number because it was so crazy uh she used to like to go to take me to thrift stores when i was a kid and go over to where all the dirty old plates are and she would find like uh like a plate that was white that had blue trim that looked like you know fine china and she'd be like this stuff people just people just throw it away it's worth hundreds it's worth thousands of dollars and i'd be like she's like you can resell it she was a she was a hoarder yeah yeah yeah and i'd be like oh okay cool and she's like, you can resell it. She was a hoarder. Yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, oh, okay, cool. And she's like, you can find all sorts of stuff here.

You can find brand new pairs of shoes. And she would point to, like, the most, like, Jordans with bloodstains. But you can find, like, high-class paintings. And she would point, you know, to the painting. And it's like the painting of the dogs playing poker. Yeah. She'd be like, you come here and you think, I mean, another man's trash is another man's treasure. And you think, why would anybody throw this stuff away?

And it's because they're not thinking. It's because they don't know what it's worth. And so she would buy this shit with hopes of, like, making a quick buck on eBay. But as it turns out, nobody really wants – like when you turn the china over and it says like made in Bangladesh, it's like plastic. Like it's not porcelain. But she would buy – I think I've talked about it on the show. She would have like Coke cans from like not even cool years.

That was her – she'd be like, this is a Coke can from 1992. And it would be like 2001. Like I'm talking about like when I was like a little kid. You're like, this is, this is going to be worth right now. It's trash. But in 280 years, when neither of us will see the fruits of this labor, it'll be worth $33 in American money. But that's just how some people get it how they live you know my meemaw was a collector some people call them hoarders she was a collector of items

she was sort of like uh you know how like in the old fantasy movies they have like the wizard and he has all the tomes and he's got the spell books and different staffs from you know past uh wizards or whatever that was like my meemaw but instead of spell books it was like huggies from like 1982 and uh like a chinese lightning mcqueen where the eyes were uh weird looking she's like i got this and i'll ebay two dollars it was a misprint it's gonna going to be worth $3,000 one day. Yeah. One of my grandparents, we called her Mammy. Did I ever tell you about that?

Mm-mm. Otis. Otis, come here. Otis is screaming outside the door because I had it closed. Come here, bud. You're okay. Folks, Otis is doing well. Odiebug.

What's up, Stinky? Oh, I forgot. Here, let me make space. Oh, for the listeners at home, some good recent news about Otis. Here, let me. He had to get a little growth on his ear removed

but we just found out yesterday had absolutely zero cancer on it so yes sir didn't want to make a bunch of announcements like I'm worried I just wanted to make an announcement I'm worried about my cat

didn't know for sure that's annoying when people care for their animals well no i just mean like if there's no conclusive if i'm just like hey i just want like 80 000 people to worry with me you know it's like you know yeah yeah but anyway that's some good news oh yeah so my grandmother had a nice segue here my grandmother had a bunch of figurines of black people. Yep, so did mine. Yeah, and because her grandma name was Mammy. And so, I mean, I've seen much more egregious collections. But basically she just had Russian nesting dolls Yeah That were painted black But it was like

You know I don't You really couldn't even have that in your house now No well see dude I mean She wasn't Like malicious in any way I don't think she realized

You know Right That it was You know I'm sure if it had been explained to her even at the time it you know it was a little weird to me as a child but i don't know i never met her obviously but my mom's grandma my great or my fuck i don't know great great or great my mom i don't know anyway so i'm dude me and my mom are in she's in a kia at 2005 this is you know

we're going down the road i think we're going i'm back home in houston we're going to get some food or something my little brother's in the back and see the car and uh this is fucking maybe three or four years ago we're driving down the freeway and uh i'm looking for a phone charger so open her glove compartment. I don't see anything in there. I open the center console. There's a bunch of wires. So I'm like, there's got to be an iPhone charger somewhere.

Well, I dig under the wires, and I pull out a syrup thing where it is a menstrual black woman, black paint, huge red lips. And then her big head opens, and that's where the right and i go mom mom and she's like be careful with that it's an antique it's it's over 100 years old it was my mammy's or my mamaw's and i was like like, who? Do I know this person? She was like, it was my grandma on your so-and-so's side. She had a bunch of these, and it's something that I like to remember her by. And I was like, is there anything else that was left to the family that you could have in your car? This is my burning cross. Yeah. In your car.

This is my burning cross. Yeah. Yeah, like, because she has some things in storage that I think came from that side of the family. They were from, they're from Texas, but they came from this town in Mississippi where there's, like, 22 people. It's, like, two families, and they're all related. And it's like two families and they're all related and uh this would explain a lot and uh and so i was like why like she was like well you know i just like to carry a piece of her with me you know like the lord's always with me i like to carry and this is what and she's trying not to laugh because she understands the cartoonish i'm making it worse because i'm

like she didn't have like a old necklace she didn'm like she didn't have like a old necklace she didn't have she didn't have like a perfume bottle from the fucking 1910s like you know it's like no all she had was this and a teapot you know but that's in storage i can't carry a teapot in a car i'm like i would much rather you find a way to make that work then to have something like because she used to drive for uber like in houston like downtown houston i can't imagine you go pick up somebody on sunny side or you know whatever and they're like i gotta get a phone charger my mom's like of course sweetheart you know i got so many in here i got all different sorts of chargers they just open it up and it is

the most racist container ever made by a human hand like it was bad enough that it's it's not it wasn't even the aunt jemima it was like the looney tunes you know like yeah again shoe polish red blah blah blah but the the fact that the head opened up and it was like and that really took it home this was this was your Uncle Pepe's clanhood. This was Great Uncle Shadrach. Great Uncle Shadrach, he was into

all sorts of... You and your friends, you like that Elder Scrolls? You know them? They got wizards in there? He was a type of one. This is old... Your great-grandpa Cletus. This was actually his

swastika brass knuckles. It's kind of special. I just wear them while I drive. Yeah. I told you half your daddy's family is German. Your great-uncle Herman. This is his... Herman. Herman Gorman.

This is his SS. Herman German was his name. This is his SS uniform. Now, he didn't do nothing but play the fiddle and the drums. He didn't do none of the bad stuff. But he did have to win the suit. He was actually a beatboxer. And there was a time during World War II when there was a French battle rapper.

He was rapping at the Germans. And your Uncle German came over. Herman German. Herman German. Your Uncle Herm Germ, as we called him, came over and started beatboxing. And that funky Frenchman started laying down sick rhymes over the beats, and it almost ended the war. But then there was a gunshot from one side,

and they did end up killing each other. You know, the Holocaust was so bad. However, I'm so glad Herman German got to bring home this piece of history to the family. I do like to think that maybe his beatboxing saved some lives in one way or another. You know, he used to go to the camps and increase morale with his beatboxing. Yeah. They would love laying down sick rhymes to his stuff

he'd be in front of Birkenau you know and they'd be like and you know I mean but that was his job it wasn't bad he's just doing what he's told anyway that's enough of Herman German I've had about enough of that guy

thank you for informing me how about Herman Sperman and he's fucking you? Not bad. What about General Sherman Herman? And he was in the war. Who's General Sherman? Was that World War II?

No, Sherman was, that was Civil War. He was a Union general who came and destroyed the South. I thought that was Grant. Well, Grant. Ulysses S. Grant. So Robert E. Lee surrendered to him.

There were multiple generals. That would make a lot of sense. There's not just one general. General is not by default head of the military. He's up there, you know. I'm an idiot, yeah. General Grant, I believe. I don't know if he got promoted to admiral somebody actually nobody correct me on that i'll look it up later and then i'll know for sure if you want to if you want to know how about

you look it up yourself but yeah sherman uh was famous for basically laying waste to a certain path in the South. You know, probably a decent guy. Have you ever encountered in your life one of those types from the South that, like, they really try to, I'm making up a word here, so fuck, who gives a shit, but they really try to academify the heritage, not hate thing, where they're like, you know, the thing is,

it actually wasn't about slavery. was about states rights that's what i was taught growing up see i yeah i had i wasn't taught it it was something that was existed in the like when i went to school you learn that it was fought over slavery but not a lot of details like it was fought over like like you don't learn about how bad it was it was just like the union they thought maybe you could have a little and the south wanted to keep all of them but like people that i knew like adults were like well it was kind of by slavery mostly what it was about is because the union was they didn't they wouldn't let south do business and so the the south was you know the economy was crumbling. But they had all the cotton.

And I remember being like a young teenager and I was like, the state's rights to do what? You know what I mean? Like, why was their economy? What were the tariffs about? Like, I feel like there's a key ingredient here that you're skipping over to make some sort of point but anyway i i bring that up because it um every so often obviously not now like we don't do thanksgiving and shit like as a family but there's always like one of

my when we would do um every few years we would have like a big christmas and we would have like a big Christmas and we would have like cousins that I – like I don't have any like first cousins, but I do have like third and fourth and whatever. And every so often you run into one that's like – I just would be wearing like – I was like a teenager, so I'm just wearing like skinny jeans and shoes and it's just that's enough for them to be like they just they're for a certain type of guy the alarm goes off and they're like do you want to talk about slavery with me i don't know if that makes sense to you but like there's a certain type of dude i think who in the south who like can't let it go and they they read a lot about it but only to solidify their belief that the South is morally, politically correct or whatever.

It was always the same conversation of like, I mean, you know how much cotton the South was producing? We were supplying the world with cotton and you're like, Wow, we were? Yeah. All of us were working together? Yeah, like, wow. We were? Yeah. All of us were working together? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We? Yeah, it seems like we were doing a lot of that, yeah. The South was an economic powerhouse because, you know, the wages, the labor market was very tight. And so, you know, obviously you can amass a lot of wealth, and the union didn't like that. labor market was very tight and so you know obviously you can amass a lot of wealth and the union didn't like that and it's like how come all their how why was their labor costs so short it's kind of a thing that we're glossing over here like it's important to there's you know i

mean yes obviously if you have slaves that you're you're not gonna have your labor costs so obviously you're gonna be able to amass these big-ass plantations or whatever the fuck. Anyway. Did I ever tell you about the ancestor I had in the Civil War? No. I learned last year that I had an ancestor in the Civil War who had almost my exact name,

who was a clerk for the confederate army and died like a year after the war because he got beat up so bad one time during the war that he just slowly died for like years he got beat up and put in jail. He was a prisoner of war. And they let him go, and he died like a year after. That's awesome. Yeah. Just like a pussy accountant. My uncle was so excited to tell me.

He was like, isn't that cool? I'm like, not really. I mean, I guess it's good to know. This was something that I just recently kind of entered my memory after watching some YouTube video about the Civil War. I was watching this YouTube short little documentary about the two sides. And they were talking about, it was a little bit on the music. Like old slave songs they would sing. like the music that like,

like old slave songs they would sing. Um, and I don't know if something ever happens to you where like a memory that had just was erased from the hard drive gets redownloaded. But I remember in first grade, my teacher, you have, you have one teacher in first grade. And obviously when you're in like young elementary school,

like you have like, you're just one, they teach you math and social studies and they teach you all the shit and shapes and fucking time tables. But she also fancied herself a singer. She was a white lady, kind of like a Paula Deen type. And one of the songs

on the YouTube video, I recognized and I couldn't fucking put my finger on it. Why it sounded so familiar. It went like this. It was like, follow the drinking gourd.

And I was like, why is that so familiar? Dude, I was sitting on the couch and I was like, I the drinking gourd. And I was like, why is that so familiar? Dude, I was sitting on the couch and I was like, I'm getting pissed off. Why does it sound so familiar? And I remembered this old white fat bitch would have her whole first grade class sing slave songs from the Civil War. Because she was like a music. She she was like I remember this is one of my first memories but I remember her talking about oh she wanted to be a singer and she sang in church and she had I guess had like an encyclopedic knowledge of like songs that they

would sing in the fields that were secret codes and the song follow the Drinking Gourd was about following the little dipper to get... Right. Right. And so I'm watching this video of his essay, and I got like a fucking... Like stuck backwards, six years old in a chair. And she's like, this is a song that in the South, the slaves would sing when they wanted... song that in the south the slaves would sing when they wanted when when when right before when when they had the slaves when they didn't want to work no more they would sing this song and and i was like i didn't know anything as a six-year-old i was like oh hell yeah this whips

follow the drinking gold past the river and the mason dixon will follow the drinking gourd. Past the river and the Mason Dixon. We will follow the drinking gourd. And I just, I like, and I got older and it just never clicked. Dude, this was maybe two months ago. And I was watching this thing and I was like, oh, wow, I didn't know that about, you know, Mississippi or whatever. I didn't know that about blah, blah, blah, blah. Abraham Lincoln or fucking blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't know that about Robert E. Lee. And this fucking song comes on and I'm like,

dude, it's one of those things as an adult, you reflect on, you're like, that lady should have been not jail, but like somebody should have talked to her. Been like, yeah,

I, uh, I had a, whenever I worked night shift at this warehouse, I had a coworker who would be like 60 hours into the work week just just all like zoning out and shit people would like wreck on the way home right right yeah of course of course and it would just be me and this other dude in the same aisle you know like packing orders or whatever and i would just hear faintly just you know all you really hear is just you know like forklifts beeping and

boxes rustling and then one one deep little voice over in the corner of your ear is going way in the water and he would do it with that voice yeah yeah yeah and you know it was a black gentleman it wasn't offensive but it would, but it would make me so uncomfortable. Yeah. Because he would do it so sadly. Yeah, of course. It was such a sad song when he did it. I would just be looking over my shoulder like,

man, how many hours do they have you on this weekend? What do they got going on here what are your paychecks looking like bro like we need to unionize man why are we singing slave songs you guys are comparing you're like damn dude that ot hit man it's like an 800 paycheck and he's like yeah yeah i'm looking at mine and i got a lot of zeros on here and they're like he's like you're like damn that's'm looking at mine, and I got a lot of zeros on here. And he's like, you're like, damn, that's good, brother. Would you crack a rack or what? He's like, it's just zero, dot zero. Says I worked 110 hours this week, and I made $4.

I guess that's like, huh. I guess that's like four cents an hour. That's not bad But no yeah You know You gotta admit for not having instruments You know There's some decent songs in there I mean there's no

There's no spiritual version Of you know like Exo Tour Life Yeah right they're sipping tea in your hood yeah it's not it yeah it's no it's not xxx tentacion you know what i mean um oh this same teacher this fucking wily bitch i wonder if she's still alive uh we would play like at the end of the day we would play board games you you know, like kids games or whatever. We'd play, like, Sorry or we'd play Tic-Tac-Toe or fucking Connect Four or whatever. She taught us this game called Don't Sink the Boat.

And it's a game you play with cards, playing cards. And she's like, this is my favorite game. Me and my family played it all the time. Me and my husband loved to play this game. I had never heard of this game. And so all the time me and my husband loved to play this game i had never heard of this game and so um all the kids loved it i think this was first maybe it wasn't the same teacher maybe it was i was in elementary school anyway this is not important um she was like now if to keep all your people in your in your boat you can't um i'm gonna give you playing cards and and if you get more than

than the number 21 this is how we count then your boat sinks and everybody in the in the river you guys end up in the water but if you get as close as possible to 21 your boat doesn't sink and you make it across the river and i was like this game rocks i love this i'm learning how to count you know and i bring that game home to my mom. And I'm like, my mom, she's a casino frequenting lady. I'm like, mom, can we play Don't Sink the Boat? And she's like, I never heard of this game. I'm like, it's with the playing cards you have.

Can we play? And I started teaching her the rules. And she's like, where the fuck did you learn how to play blackjack? And I was like, oh, my teacher. She plays it with all the kids. And my mom was like what like what like i don't understand i was like this is not called blackjack i've never heard of that it's called don't sink the boat you have your doggie in the boat and you have your mommy and

your daddy and your brother and your grandma and you got a pet mouse and the closer you get to 21 the number one two three four i can count c you get your boat across the river and nobody drowns. And she's like, son, I'm going to have to make a call to the fucking school. I had no idea. This lady was – and we would bet with like little tiddlywinks, like the little plastic coins that you could flip. She's like, and this is how you keep track of all your people. plastic coins that you could flip. She's like, and this is how you keep track of all your people.

And, like, again, like, as an adult, I look back, and I'm like, this lady clearly had probably, like, some sort of gambling addiction that she just, like, how the fuck do you go and teach a bunch of kids how to play blackjack? And then, you know. I just get bored, you know, hungover. That's a good point. You know, I like to think the worst, you know, that she just had an itch she couldn't scratch.

But, yeah, I mean, if you're teaching a bunch of fucking – She was probably getting you guys ready to – I hate to say it, but probably molest. That's possible. She's probably – yeah, she's probably going to – All right, so this is called Strip Don't Sing the Boat. And if the boat sinks, your clothes are super heavy and you've got to take your shirt off. This one's called Leapfrog Don't Tell Your Parents. And the way that this version of Leapfrog, you've played Leapfrog in the yard or in recess?

It's the same, it's just the way that we play it, you can't discuss it with anybody outside of the school. Or outside of this room, even. You know what i mean i wish i could i wish i could have gone to an elementary school for future snipers you know i mean like i feel like if i got the chris kyle training from age like two or three i would have been putting up numbers you know what i mean well you see those videos from china where those like monk kids they're like they're twisted around trees and they're like crying and shit and they're like doing full splits and karate kicks and backflips and the old chinese guys are hitting them with sticks and they're like they're like wailing yeah those kids all want to be djs

and they have to do fucking capuchin tricks instead that's a good point. Yeah. It's like, I don't know what the American version of that is. Maybe vacation Bible school in like a really rural town. But like, I see those videos and I'm like, are these actual rural Chinese kids? Or are these like, how do you end up in a situation like this? And why do they have smartphones up there?

Like, how do you end up in a situation like this? Why do they have smartphones up there? If they're supposed to be carrying tubs of water up like, you know, Shenzhen Mountain and doing spin moves and shit, like, what the fuck? Why do you have a smartphone up there? I guess it doesn't matter. I wish I was Chinese.

I could do so many good things for the world, but I'm limited by my awful white race. It seems like a really like i see uh like videos of like you know like bustling chinese towns and i'm like this was cool this just looks like a john wick movie i want to hang out here i don't pasadena sucks austin's fucking stupid you know houston is cool the food's good but it's just it's nasty it's hot there's not fuck it's flat you can from you stand on one in houston you can see the fucking seawall galveston it's there's no there's no change in landscape i want to go to china in a step and I want to ride on horseback and I want to eat a

big fucking mutton leg. And I just want to get, like, I want to look to my buddy, to my big 6'6", 320 pound buddy, and I want to go and then I want him to go and then like that. I want that to be my whole life. I guess you and me. And those guys,

those guys are watching videos of Houston strip clubs on their Motorola's, and they're going, God, someday, someday I will try this hoe pussy you speak of. I hate my step wife. I hope a yak kills her. They have purple potion. And why are we making the Chinese step guys talk like Native Americans? They have purple potion.

Because I cannot reliably do an inoffensive Chinese accent. Well, my question is, do they sound like the cartoonish one in your head? I'm doing an English dub of Chinese. Hello. We need water for our camps. Our women are tired. My name is Puyi. I need a...

I'm taking iron ore up the road, the trade route to the British. I'm looking for a strong wife to bear my children. Anyway. My daughter is sick. I must feed her to the dogs. She has a cold.

This can't stand. I saw an alien lady. And she had a green... Green reproductive part. He just saw a woman with chlamydia or syphilis or something. I saw an alien woman in the riverbed. I saw an alien woman with a large forehead. Or maybe just a regular woman with a large forehead.

I have been playing full contact football with my friends up in the mountains. American football. It is 2100 B.C. We've been playing full contact American football in the foothills of the steppe with my friends Jonathan and Tanner, Connor, and Bryce. Some time travelers accidentally dropped a copy of Madden 24, Travelers accidentally dropped a copy of Madden 24, and we slipped the disc into a very hot rock,

and it showed us American football. Genghis Khan is here. Genghis Khan is here, and his dick is huge. Hold on. I'll be right back. Genghis Khan is here. Hello, Genghis. How are you?

Here's the thing. Hey, Genghi. Yeah. I was about to say, because history, you know, like those guys did so many bad things and were far enough removed. Like, I was about to say no one thinks Hitler is a cool guy. Way off on that but what i'm trying to say is no one think no one i'm sure no one thought gingus khan was cool 100 years or 200 years after his reign or whatever the fuck i'm wrong there too there are guys who idolize

both hitler and gingus khan and their 15 year old kids from mexico city uh but anyway my point being, Genghis is the dumbest name of all time. It is such a shitty name. Genghis. Yeah. Genghis Khan. Like Alexander the Great. Like fucking Hannibal. That is a sick-ass name.

Attila the Hun? Get the fuck out of here. Attila? The Hun? What are some other cool ones? Fucking, I don't know. I mean, even recent American, Ulysses. I don't think they say it like Genghis, though.

No matter how they say it. Like, there's no, if you're telling me that with a Chinese accent, that sounds cooler. Yeah, probably. I mean, I also think a dude who looks like that, you're probably not that worried about what his name is. Well, I think his birth name was Tertullian or something like that, which is way cooler. Like, I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I'm going to make sure that I'm not wrong on that. But I'm pretty sure it's Tertullian.

His name could have been Timothy, and he still would have been scary. Right. But, I mean, like, we're talking about Tertullian. No, Tertullian is a completely different motherfucker. I'm an idiot. He was a goddamn... I think his birth name was like Sexual Travis. Tertullian was a Christian theologian.

I'm an idiot. What was Genghis Khan's birth name? Wikipedia edited one second ago by Big Tom. Genghis Khan born as Sexual Travis. Temujin. Okay, Temujin. Temujin? Yeah. Genghis Khan born as sexual Travis. Timusion. Okay. Timusion. Timusion?

Yeah. Oh, hey, check it out, Thomas. The Asian pronunciation of this name, Chinggis Khan. Well, I'll have you know that's exactly what I would have thought it would be. Yeah, so even then, like, the guys in history. We changed it from Chinggis to Genghis? Yeah, right. Right, right, like, the guys in history. We changed it from Chingus to Gingus? Yeah, right. Right, right, right, yeah.

That's what I'm trying to say is that Chingus. Wait, Big Chungus Con? Yeah. It's like a Rick and Morty ass, like, you know. Yo. Hey, Chingus, I turned myself into a pickle. How do you like that one, Jake? Do you like that joke that I just made?

Is that good? Yeah, buddy. I wonder if one of the reasons at first he was so successful. I mean, obviously later on he amasses the Mongol horde and they go nuts. But at first, if you're in some small village in the steppe and you got your goats and your lamb and you got your wife and your fucking kids you hear from down the way uh you know um your step buddy he comes up and he tells you hey this guy gingus down the road he's a bad dude and you're like who and he's like gingus chingus he's he's coming over here man and he's he's talking about raiding And killing everybody

And you're like Fuck a motherfucker named Genghis Who gives a Genghis? What were their names? Pingas? Yeah right It's like

Fuck you I got a real cool name My name is Ding Yeah yeah yeah Well I'm like I'm thinking that his If you can The element of surprise Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm thinking that his... The element of surprise is one of the greatest weapons of war.

So, you know, if you know a guy named Attila is on your ass, you're like, fuck that. Hitler? That's a scary name. Dude, I looked up Mongolian names, and there are some sick names, dude. Ganbatar? That's sick. Batu?

That's awesome. gontulga and these are just ones that i can pronounce there are some pretty complicated ones that tamujin yeah tamujin's genghis khan hey check this shit out genghis khan's wife's name is holan yeah holen these nuts exactly yes you like that um his allies and best friends were jamuka and togrel uh oh yeah yeah watch out the big three are coming who jam? Jamuka, Togrel, and Genghis. Well, again, that's what I'm saying. He ended up being this dominant genocidal man. Somebody announces that all three of them are in town. Those are the symptoms of a brain aneurysm is saying those three words.

Genghis. Togrel and Jamuker. I think I might go down to Jamuker this summer. I hear it's pretty nice down there. Yeah, you know, me and my brother, so me and my brother, we're part of this invading Mongol clan, and our buddy Ogaday and our good...

Now, we got a big sumbitch in our team named Togrel, and we're just thinking about running fucking ramshed over what is essentially the Mongolia. Now, look, here's the thing. They got all sorts of warring clans. I got this big sumbitch, too. His name's Changus. He's a real sumbitch. He don't take kindly to no for an answer, and he's strong as shit, and he's smarter as hell. He's a real son of a bitch. He don't take kindly and know for an answer. He's strong as shit and he's smarter as hell.

He can read books. He's the oldest child of Yes, you G. And you best believe, as the oldest child of Yes, you G, he's going to become the first Kagan of the Mongol Empire. Dude, this is so fucking, god damn. You got to be a hard-ass motherfucker to get pat to get through life and have history look back on you as a terrifying figure with a name like gingus oh man i'm just you know i'm just chilling here in shing king prefecture i sure hope I don't die. You know, me and my buddies, we're hanging out in Transoxiana near Coruscant,

and we're hoping that Chingus doesn't show up and burn our village and rape our women. I love my spouse, Borte. I love her so much more than my previous spouses, Isukan, Gerbasu, Gunu gunju mogi and abika i hate that crazy bitch mogi yeah i had to leave mogi to the wolves but i got me a real bad bitch ibaka and her sister yeselin Yesselin. Oh, man. He's the worst thing to ever happen to the Borjigin dynasty.

Oh, here's... From this origin derived the Chinese Chinggis Han. That was his name, Chinggis Han. The Persian was made to Genghis Han. That's what the... As Arabic lacks a similar sound to ch. So motherfuckers in Persia

were calling him Genghis Khan. And then we end up here to Genghis Khan. Wow. He had a grandson, Kublai Khan, great hardcore band out of Texas, and established the Yuan Dynasty and became the supreme Progenitor.

If there's one thing old fucking Asian dudes are good as shit at, it's naming holy fuck, it's naming like their leaders. Supreme Progenitor, Interpreter of the Heavenly Law, Initiator of Good Fortune, Holy Marshal Emperor.

That's fucking sick. That's so much better than King. Interpreter of the Heavenly Law. Yeah, it turns out that Genghis Khan was a real asshole. Wow, this is... I want to know what's up with Attila. He was also a crazy motherfucker. Attila the Hun.

Honestly, we just called him Tilly back in the day. I never really thought he was that scary. But I know a lot of people, if he got on his bad side, like when the other Bulgers and Huns and Ostrogoths and Alans. He got the Alans. Look, here's the thing I know about and Alans. He got the Alans. Look, here's the thing I know about the Alans. They can't get along. So the fact that he was able to do it.

Dude, when I see a dude subsequently invade Italy, to me, I'm like, whoa. You know what I mean? Right. When I look at somebody's etymology, because I know you and me, we're both really into etymology? Mm-hmm. Because I know you and me, we're both like really into etymology. Mm-hmm. Like the, you know, like the names, science, name science. Yeah. I was actually, I went to college for name science.

I actually had a doctor in it. I was a doctor of name sciences. At the science, it was, we both studied in it. I was a doctor of name sciences at the science we both studied in it, right? Yeah, that's why I know so much. We had name science degrees from the College School of Belgium in Europe.

I did my thesis on his wife, Kreka, and his other wife, Ildiko. Yeah. Ildiko has an awesome story. Yeah, she's,

I did, I did my thesis on first names. Oh, okay. That's cool. Yeah, I was going to do it on middle names, but there's just,

this is not as common. Ah, criticize, so here's, here's something interesting. Uh, Suleiman the magnificent god damn new names were so much fucking cooler back then dude like i don't think for a second anybody like uh 15 1600 years from now is gonna look back on if we have any sort of written word, and be like, damn, Thomas, that's a sick-ass name. You know?

Like, I got to, my son's name is going to be Andragorf the Wizard. And he's going to have a terrible life, and he'll be bullied into fucking, you know, being into weird shit like cattails and stuff. Whatever the fuck, you know? It doesn't matter. He'll have a cool-ass name, Andrew Goff the Wizard, the great wizard of Pasadena, Texas,

and he'll probably be a D1 lineman. Dude, that's the move. The goal for us is to have a son and name him something like this, like one of these guys. Suleyman the Magnificent, perhaps even, hold on, Bayezid of Ruthenia. Yeah, he went up against a guy named Emperor Valentinian III. That would be a cool name for your son.

Like a good D3. Yeah. Anyway, the thing about names is that they're goofy as hell back then. And I was trying to make a point about Genghis Khan, and I don't remember what it was. Yeah. You know, people think it's hard to be Genghis Khan, but it's probably a lot harder to be a genius mom. Which, every mom is a genius to me yeah you know being a single mother um they don't get enough credit it's the most important job in the world and so many more women should have that job yeah like

because here's the thing a lot of people say oh a father who abandons his children is like a bad person or whatever you know the way i see it is is that he's presenting the woman with a great challenge to overcome is to yeah is to raise i saw a beautiful tweet earlier today or x post now that's a beautiful beautiful x and um it said anybody who's ever abandoned you was just showing you how to stand up on your own two feet and i thought that was beautiful yeah you know actually inspired me to delete all my family's phone numbers because i thought you know what It's time to inspire somebody today. Yeah, abandonment, you know, the thing about abandonment is it doesn't make you like a neurotic, emotionally fragile person. It makes you really strong.

Yeah. It's like when you get a new dog and you just leave the apartment for a week. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's how you break it in. Yeah, you come back and they are so well behaved. Your couch is all together, you know? Yeah, yeah. There's not that's how you break it in. Yeah, you come back and they are so well-behaved. Your couch is all together, you know? Yeah, yeah. There's not piles of piss and shit everywhere.

Same with a kid. You know, like if you abandon your son, society might say that that's bad. But here's the thing. If you abandon your son, he has to overcome that. And everybody knows that sons without fathers grow up to be really like normal guys, like really normal, well-adjusted guys. What's even better than abandonment is be a really bad father because then that gives him something.

That gives him a grind. You know what I mean? It gives him a motivator. Right. Yeah. It's like studies motivator. Right. Yeah. It's like studies upon studies upon studies, psychology. Me and you, other than name science, we both have PhDs in father science. Yeah, father science.

Yeah, yeah. And I don't know where you got yours from, but I got mine from the College of Copper's Cove Father Institution. Yeah, I got mine at Daddy University. Daddy University. Dude, that's a really – that's a hard one to get into. Props to that. Yeah. DIT, Daddy University of Institutional Technology.

D-U-I-T. Do it. Yep, yes, sir. That was our big rally cry at all the football games, do it to it. Yeah. Going to a Daddy College bowl is so fun. You've just got two father teams, and it's always so much fun. So you guys played.

Your rival was Big Roy. Yeah. And then you guys were – what was your guys' names again? Oh, Jim. You guys were just – you guys were Jim, right? Yeah. And so Jim and Big Roy, the two greatest daddy football teams of all time. Yeah.

It was really interesting watching them play. But I like mommy sports too yeah you know i teach like like like like mommy basketball could be really entertaining you know just two teams of mommies out there you know they go back to the benches and you know they've got little flasks underneath the bench it's always always funny. Yeah, it says Jesus Juice on it. Yeah, yeah, Mom Juice. And they go out there, and they're all just passive-aggressive to each other. It's so funny. They're sharing the same bottle of Xanax that belongs to the head mommy,

and they're all just passing it back and forth. Everybody wants to be the head mommy or the head daddy, but nobody wants to just be a team mommy or a team team papa you know if more i feel like if more people devoted themselves to being you know a mother in a family of mothers or like a daddy in a family of daddies like i feel like the teams could go so much further because remember like the daddy bowl last year you know you had you had craig versus philip and you could tell with philip there was just a sense of disorder there where everybody who played for philip it felt like they wanted to be the boss you know they wanted to be the the

the poppy of everybody everybody now they, everybody, now, they're really, one of the best universities, you know, like, so like Daddy University Institute of Technology, that's more of like the science of being a daddy. Cool Dad Union University, now that's where you go to study the art of being a daddy. And a lot of people don't really understand

that it's kind of like the left and right hand paths. You need to have the smart math daddy and the cool artistic daddy and i don't think that cool artistic daddies get enough get enough credit in today's society anymore um because cool artistic daddies they love to drink beer with you you know they love to teach you how to play guitar and they love to to smoke weed with you um on your 14th birthday and they love to show you you know old smashing pumpkin songs and they tell you the meanings of those songs not a great football team at cool dad union university but they excel in the arts and they have a great cocaine program there. Yeah, and I knew a few people who went to TPI as well, Technical Papa University.

Oh, okay, yeah. And there's a big market for blue-collar daddies out there, just working class fathers coming home from work. They drink a beer really fast and they go to bed. They're wearing overalls. They're out mowing the lawn. There's nothing wrong with being a technical papa. No, no, no.

Technical papa, Cool Dad Union University, DUIT, none of them really hold a candle, though, to Pappy A&M. Yeah. Pappy A&M. It's the oldest father university in the world. It's 82 years old. Really, if you want to... Almost a grandpappy university. If you want a full, well-rounded father science education,

you go to Pappy A&M. The A&M stands for all right and mm-hmm. Yeah. Because that's what Pappy say, you know? They say that a lot, yeah. Yeah, they go all right, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so you can study all sorts of stuff there.

You can study beer philosophy. You can study reclining chair engineering. You can study, you know. Phone books. You can study phone books. Thermostat science. They've got a great thermostat science program there. You can study slapping your belly and going

what's the damage after a nice big yummy meal at outback steakhouse that's one of their uh that's one of their their new programs uh i think i don't know i'm not sure what the name of the program is but yeah they have a you know they have a cultural sort of field where you know you can hop in the family event and say autobots let's roll out right before a big road trip yeah yeah you know they have uh they do like an immersion where you can study abroad uh in omaha and you could just you just move into the suburbs um next to a guy named alan and you're just his neighbor and he comes out and he goes weather's looking crazy brother and you have to the port the most important part of the study is you have to be alan's friend

you have to become alan's friend he's he's firm but fair and he doesn't give his trust easily he's he's firm but fair and he doesn't give his trust easily as a great pap he should so it's important when you're doing this cultural immersion i think this is duit where you went i don't i'm not sure if you went to this program but you have to at the end of the six month study abroad program in the suburbs of omaha you better befriend alan or you fail that semester yeah yeah and there's a lot of guys who try and pretend last minute that they're friends with alan that they've been building up this friendship. And Alan will straight up tell you, he'll say, get the hell off my lawn if you're not my friend. Because Alan is a straight shooter.

That's why he's a big member of this program. Yeah, and he won't befriend just anybody. You've got to earn your keep. anybody no you've got to earn your keep you know if you're never watering the sidewalk if you're never splitting the same piece of fire if you're doing your own and you're not weed whacking and getting the edges that is not how you befriend alan when you're if you don't check your mail as soon as it gets to your house you know if you're not sort of half-assedly sweeping out the gutters when they aren't really needing them. If you never fall off a ladder the whole time you're there. If you don't have like 10-year-old shitty beers that your brother-in-law brought over.

And then your fresh beers that you have for you. Right, right, right. You need to have at least two beers that a gay cousin brought over in the garage fridge, and they have to be called the Chill Pilsner or Guy P.A. It's got to have some kitschy name that you don't drink. You would never drink anything like that. You're Milwaukee's best man. So many things to learn.

So many great things to learn at DUIT, at Pappy A&M Cool Dad Union the other one that we didn't come up with that's real Pappy Technical University, PTI TPI Technical Papa University

they have the one they have a sister university in Saudi Arabia, Baba University. Yeah, and then they have an actual sister university. It's called Sporty Sister University, and it teaches you how to be the older sister that's always playing sports, always playing volleyball, having fun come coming home coming going places has a job has a boyfriend she works at sonic she's one of the roller skating sonic types you know yeah she's not doing too she's not doing too well in school lately but she's gonna finish high school at least probably no community college for now yeah mom got really mad at her for getting

a diamond tattoo on her hip bone but you But that's what cool girls are doing. A lot of cool successful girls get two diamond tattoos on each hip bone when they're 15 years old. What was I going to say? Anyway, life's about balance. And if you're balancing your checkbook, that's cool. You don't have to pay for this one because it's free. If you're listening to this, that means that you are one of the 4,000 or 5,000 guys that listen to this show. All guys.

Guys Club. We have a coupon code for you guys. It's 100% off tuition at any of the universities we went to. But you have to go this is this is a deal you get a hundred percent scholarship paid in full to your father science university of choice to daddy university of institute of technology to pappy a and m to technical poppy university to baba university to cool dad union you have to go to patreon.com slash pendejotime. And you've got to subscribe to at least one of the tiers.

The pendejo tier, that's going to get you $5, Discord access, all the bonus episodes. That'll get you a 25% scholarship. Honcho tier, that's going to give you video episodes, access to all that cool shit, backlog of video episodes, Discord access, and bonus episodes. That's a 50% scholarship.

If you want a 100% full ride to Daddy Science university uh you can pay us 50 bucks a month but you don't have to we're just joking uh i think that'll about do it uh happy fucking thursday i love you goodbye goodbye