Pendejo Time - Food Bryan

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

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California love By the minute Bebub Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Ever soon as step on the stage I hear a Hoochie Falk

I still hear a hoochie screaming feeling of money and alcohol The fame of a West Side I don't want to do this anymore My name's Tupac and I'm depressed and I don't want to be Tupac anymore I want to be

Lou At all jail I don't bail fresh out of jail And I want some semen I don't bail fresh out of jail Looking at the street I'm looking up for a guy for double teeming I'm going to shop at Neiman

And he goes to Neiman Marcus And he spends You know A couple hundred dollars on like a nice belt Is Neiman Marcus fancy I heard they got food in there too Yeah it's like It's like a designer

clothes and stuff. But why do they have food in there? I feel like I don't want to shop. I've never been to one that had food in there. But the only ones I've been to were at the Hewlin and Ridgemar malls in Fort, Texas. I think a lot of them are closing down. Yeah, most stores are. It's over.

You know, it's pretty much over. You can kind of randomly get, like, designer stuff from, like, three years ago for kind of cheap. But it was a kind of place where, like, you go in and you don't even see anything you want. It's just like shoes that have spikes on them. It's 900 bucks. And it's like The brand is just like The brand is like

Alexa Strykivsky or whatever And it's like Is this a real designer? Like it's like something that like That backup dancer of Lady Gaga's that died Like it was what she was wearing when she died Like it's just like bad high heels It's like Gucci Air Force ones

But the whole thing says Gucci Just like overlapping like Not even the print it just says Gucci Yeah. I'm going to get me some chrome hearts. I'm trying to get some chrome and some Rick. I think designer clothes are cool. I just think that Neiman Marcus was not really at the forefront. I mean, they didn't have like fucking, you know. I don't think I have anything designer. You don't.

I don't. Yeah, you don't. I like how he said that. You don't. Yeah, you don't have anything designer. I think I would have noticed. No, I have that, no, that's not true. I have that jacket. I have my cool guy jacket. But it's not like...

Who's that from? What's the designer of that? That's a good, it's a good question. Let me find it on my Instagram. So the thing with designers, the thing is that you know, the thing is that you know the designer. No, I don't remember the name. I almost said the N-word because you're pissing me off. Not the bad one.

That's not the, I don't think, I highly doubt that you have a designer jacket. and the name of the designer is the in-word. I don't think that's true. I think you... I think somebody, maybe... How will you find a jacket? Low-key industries. They're like...

They make cool, like, corduroy jackets and, like, patched jackets and stuff. Anyway... Yeah, so with the designer, and, you know, I'm not... I don't mean this in a rude way. Usually with a designer brand, people have heard of it and people give a fuck. Like, say, like, Alexander McWang.

Alexander McWangue. Yeah, or Balmangs. Ball mangs. Balmangs. Lou Farigno shoes. Lucky Luciano belt. Yeah, I'm showing up to the wedding. Lucky Luciano belt.

Lou Ferrigno's. I'm trying to code switch around my coworkers. I'm like, man, I need that gumpy belt. You know, the company built with the double keys on it. I need that Patrick Philip. What's that watch y'all be wearing, y'all, Rich Blackman? Patrick, Patrick and Philip. Dude, I just got fucking Rollicks.

Rollicks watch. I got Ricky Oey. Yeah, I got the new fucking Ricky Treveit. Yeah, I got the new Ricky Javah. Yeah. Dude, that picture of him where he's, like, crucified on the mic, and it says atheists. It's one of my favorite pictures of all time. Dude, imagine going down on him for hours.

Yeah. Do you think he's one of those guys that doesn't bust from head? You know, he strikes me as kind of a Bill Maher type guy. What do you mean by that? He gets fingered? No, I think he's probably like a high-end escorts guy. Oh, yeah, okay. No, no respect.

I think there's a certain level of nobility in that. Yeah, I don't want to knock down. If you're, hold on. If you're getting high-end escorts, I don't think you're really hurting anybody, unless you're doing weird stuff, you know, if you're being mean to them or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and, hey, I don't really know a whole lot about that industry. I'm trying to, you know, I don't want to speak out of turn or anything. So the high-end ones in Vegas are obviously going to be like, you know, like, I guess what you'd call blue chip hot, right?

But almost always they are trafficked from, like, central and eastern Europe. or somewhere like you know yeah so whatever yeah so i'm saying not you know non-traffic how about we just say how about we talk about something else um so there's a bunch of small the outside is red and black right now right here oh in new york you got you guys got to fucking dartmole planet shit going on yeah i didn't really wasn't really paying attention to like 30 minutes ago um and i go to pick up some Peruvian rotissory chicken.

What makes it Peruvian? Not trying to cut you off, but I want to get in. It's made by Peruvian people. Oh, okay. Just rotissary chicken. And they just do beans and rice. It's the fucking, there's nothing special about it. Okay, swag.

Okay. It's always good. It's always really good. But, um, yeah, it's just rotissary chicken, basically. Yeah. I randomly had Jason blood pressure like two hours ago. It's pretty fucked up. I was like 160 over 110.

That's bad. Pretty swagged. Yeah. But I got it to come down. But I was like, it was like, dad, do I go to the doctor? They're just going to tell me to shut up again. So I just like hung out and fucking freak the fuck out until it went back down. That's what you got to do, man.

I overslept by like two hours today for work. Dude, I got to tell you. And I don't mean no disrespect. I think you were really good at that job. and I think you, from what you tell me, you contribute a lot. And it's amazing to me. Maybe it's a union thing, but I feel like you tell me at least once or twice a month that you, like, blew up the bathroom or you showed up late or, like, you called in because you had too many course banquets and too many Mexican candy shots. And, like, there's no reprimand for you.

Like, is that just... No. They just don't care. Well, the thing is they can see. that I'm trying. And also, I'm not anywhere close to the biggest liability. Oh, that's true. You're probably, like, not even close to the worst guy on there.

I'm, like, top quartile. You're not even close to the worst guy on this day. No. That is true. One of the things I liked about working in kitchens is... I have zero racial incidents. Yeah. That's a big plus.

It's a big plus. It's like, when you work in a kitchen, if you're, like, drunk all the time and, like, high on cocaine and, like, pills too, and maybe you crash your car into a parked car and left one day. But if you show up on time, you're better than the other line cook who is, like, a certified on the internet red dot on his house pedophile. You know what I mean? Like, you can't. Yeah.

Like, when you show up late to work and you're sober, they're like, well, something going on at home. Let's get to work. We'll talk about the. later. We'll figure it out. Today I showed up and I was wearing flip-flops because I left my work boots in my locker. I just pulled up

and I wanted to stop making a breakfast on the way but it was way too late so I just I just tell me it was grumbling. Yeah I got you. I slept through the alarm. The alarm was I even like because I woke up from the sunlight, not the alarm.

Ooh. Bad. To see like was my alarm not going up? No, it went off. I didn't even hit snooze. I slept through it for two hours. Beautiful. Where was Eden?

Next to me. I guess I have that shit quiet as hell. Yeah, I was going to say. I'm going to turn it up and we'll try again tomorrow. Me and Ashley. But thankfully there was some disorganization going on. So like work didn't really start until right after I got there.

So it was very nice. Nice. Like literally everybody was like, dude, nobody gives a shit. I was like awesome. It's kind of worked out. That's chill.

I feel like if you show up late to like a Texas, like one of those like Texas non-union like we're going to work you like a pack mule like I would show up three minutes late and they'd be like back to the gate. Back to the gate soon. Oh no, I wouldn't last along with that. I also don't have a very good attitude. Yeah, I mean, I mean either. I don't really.

I mean, I needed the job. I have a pretty good attitude, but I'm, it's wearing off. The reason being I'm having to learn to be less of a dormant and be more assert. I feel you on that. Yeah. You know, because I've always been the guy where they're like, well, ask him to do it. He's not going to complain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have to know when I'm being, when to be like, hey, I have to be smart about this. Pick your battles. Yeah. Yeah, I used to, like, I used to be like a big asshole. I think I over corrected it. And now I just feel like a push over a lot of aspects in my life.

I'm like, hey, can you like, could somebody do this? And they'll be like, no, you got it. And I'm like, I'm drowning. and I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm too busy. And then, you know, I just end up doing it anyway, and it fucking sucks ass. Like, I don't do a good job at my job sometimes.

Oh, yeah. But, I tell you what, we were about to pack up to leave. Had, like, two minutes to do this. And I needed to put a new chain on a chainsaw that had, like, a five-foot bar. Mm-hmm. Jake, when I tell you, I took that chainsaw part and then just sat there, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I completely forgot how to do it. Completely held up the entire operation. Everybody had to stop and get the tools back out. I talk about in the moment. And I'll tell you yesterday, all right. Yesterday I had one of the worst performances of my whole life. Yeah, of course. All right.

I get to the job side. I'm doing some stuff. And then they're like, hey, go climb this small tree. The tree is completely, everything around it is poison ivy for the most part. and I already had poison ivy. I've gotten poison ivy about every day this week. Yeah, I was going to say as long as I've known. No, every single day this week I've worked.

We're milling wood that's, there's poison ivy vines all over it. Yeah, yeah. So my balls are almost completely gone. It's all over them. It's awesome. And so I'm like, cool, that's fine. And then I get my, you know, the little ball they throw up with the string on it?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, I got the string tangled up in a way you could never imagine. It's non-nuclear, whatever. It's been almost an entire workday trying to get it untangled. And then finally got a time point just with it tangled and with a bunch of sticks in it. And with both sides in poison ivy. And then I go to set up my hitch climber or whatever. And I remember that my entire climbing bag got run over by a semi the other day.

and my shit is just Where the fuck do you work, dog? Like, where the fuck do you work for real? I put my shit off to the side and then somebody moved my bag to behind the truck and then it got backed over and it fucking broke the gate on my aluminum carabiners

and I had to fucking come home and hit them and use what's the shit called that you used to pop off locks? A crowbar? No. Bolt cutters? Bolt cutters?

Yeah. I randomly have a big set of bolt cutters and some of my only tools. So I literally got almost zero things done the entire day, eight-hour shift. Yeah, it's nice. Just fooling around. And I also, at one point, I got men, I threw my helmet on the ground. Classic. Classic thing to do.

Completely exploded every accessory. On the helmet. My, the visor went in one area of poison ivy. The earmuffs exploded into a different area of poison ivy. Yeah. And everything. And I had to shittily put it back together and then put a punch of anti-poisonivy lotion just on the helmet. It's just like, please, please, God, save me.

The whole time I'm just thinking like all my ancestors, probably just got to a point where they were like, guess I'm just always covered in rashes and heat and have asthma. I'm heaving. Like, my whole bloodline, I feel like it was like kind of, it was a lot of like, you know, tough guys and stuff, you know, hard work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess they were just fucking miserable.

And they didn't even know what any of the shit was called. Yeah, no, no. Like, I can go to a doctor and they'll be like, oh, you have a sensitivity to this and that's making your reaction to this worse. Yeah. I'm like, that makes sense. I should probably change some things about my life, some things I can't change. Yeah.

These guys are just smoking, these guys are smoking cigarettes and pipes and chewing tobacco and drinking beer all day and just hurting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they still had the energy to have multiple families. Yeah, and stay out like all night, you know. I remember one of my favorite things to do to pretend like I was working was to go to the welding machines. and they have spark plugs

there's gas driven, whatever, they need spark plug and then I go, oh, this machine, it's got the spark plug, it's not the normal 5-8s, it's like, I got to go into town, and so I would take my work truck

into Napa, which was where we got our parts from for this plastics plant, and I would not get any parts, and I would not talk to anybody. I would sit in the parking lot, and I would smoke, I don't know, some between 10 to 15 cigarettes, I'd drink like,

two or three tallboys get a nice buzz on it's like noon 110 degrees outside and uh i would drive back and i'd be like napa doesn't have it uh but you know who i think would have it a plus auto because they have everything it is a little bit further way up the road so i take the work truck like from fucking pasadena all the way to like galena park which isn't that far maybe 20 minutes and i would go to a plus auto uh and repair and they would have the spark plug socket i needed because it's true the welding generator is different than like a car spark plug it's not like a normal five i think it's like a five eight threaded whatever the fuck anyway i would go to like six different places and drink two beers in the parking lot and then by the time i got back to work

i had wasted like two hours but they were like you know what took you so long and i was like you know man these old generators y'all don't buy them new you buy them used the spark plugs just go and then they're old spark plugs i got to find the thread and i don't have you ever done this at work but Like, have you ever lied so good? And your boss is like, man, I, I kind of, I feel you on that. I'm sorry for bushing your balls. I, you know, you're doing a lot of hard work around here. And you have not done anything to contribute to the project, like, at all.

You just lied your ass off. Like, restaurant, construction, like, your boss is busting your balls. You're like, actually, I've been doing a lot of work around here. And I just feel like I'm going unnoticed. And then your boss is like, ah, you know what? Now that I think about it, yeah, you've been doing pretty good. I'm sorry. All right.

I'll take it like a man. I'll admit it and it's like, oh, no, actually, you were 100% right. I have been playing on my phone. I've been thinking about jacking off on the porta potty. I never did it, but it did cross my mind as something that I should do just to get it over with. I didn't do it. But, you know, I thought about doing it. And then I go over to where the Puerto Rican carpenters are.

and I watch them watch loud Brazilian AI twerking videos. As they should. I watch it. It's like in the air tonight, and it's about how Phil Collins watch that guy, watch another guy drown. I'm just watching a bunch of Dominican carpenters with their phones propped up on their like sawsaws.

And it's not even real human ass. It's just like very clearly like jiggling, hallucinations of a machine, asshole and pussy. but it's weird to think of how co-worker phones have changed since AI. Co-worker phones at one point, it was just, it would be like a clip from an old Nelly music video, and then it would be like, don't, don't, don't, don't, you know what I mean?

Like, it would be old, like, the old heads would just watch the old head rap videos or like similar stuff. And now it's like, I'm seeing shit on, not in a while, been white collar, but I was seeing shit when AI first hit the scene and got good. I was seeing shit on co-worker's phones, Thomas that I didn't, like,

you know the things that are like, the claw, but they're like, they've got huge tits and like G-strings on and they're married to Shrek. Like I would see, you know what I'm saying? Like shit that you're just, you're like, there's no way. Is this just purely an intellectual pursuit for you? Are you looking at this purely out of like a morbid

or a macabre curiosity? Are you jacking off and coming to this? Are you, you are you pulling on your fucking little thing until milk comes out to this picture of fucking E.T. with a huge set of nuts. Or, you know, in this case, a pussy. I don't think anybody was gay for E.T. Would you, do you think if you would have found E.T.? Oh, I know the post, like, we would have beat it with hammers? I think I would have tried to fuck him. That had just been my instinct. I'd be too shy to talk to him. I'm, I'm a monster and I must be caged for my crimes, but I think I've got to try to get it in with E.T.

I wonder what kind of what his holes are made of. I mean, he has the mouth. That pressure is crazy. Probably because of the gravity where he's from. Where's he from again? Pittsburgh? He's awful tan, though, a little suspicious. Yeah, he's an awful wrinkly.

He could be a tent of Moroccan. Maracan. What is this motherfucker of some kind of Moroccan? No, no, Tone. I think he's an alien. E.T. What does that stand for? E. Hab.

Taliban. He fuck. I think this little green-gray wrinkling motherfucker might be from out of space. God forbid. Europe. North Africa. E.T.

Tunisia. E.T. landing, like, in Gambino crime family territory? He's fucking Basque. He's passed. They, like, bring him into the bottom bang or whatever, you know? And he's like, look, I found this weird wrinkly brown motherfucker. You think it'd be cool to get him?

Hey, Tony, you think it'd be fun to get him a piece of pussy? Maybe a piece of ass, you know? Maybe give him a cigar or, like, you know. Maybe he'd get Vito to fuck him in his ass. They did Vito a suit. No. What's up, Hank? We're going to take him to it.

I'm sorry I'm going to take him to my house I'm going to take him to my house and keep him a secret Tony's secret Tony's secret This is my discovery The epilogue to the Sopranos

Is him fucking the shit out of E.T. I need to get some information Out of him Out of his mouth The shades go But listen to a lot of pearl jam Don't call me daughter.

Usually means a guy's on an up and up. Glad to hear the depressive spell lifted. Oh, man. Fuck. Don't call. Squidward. I'm SpongeBob. Don't call.

It tastes Mr. Crabs to a high pain. Alone. Pineapple. Underwater next to a teaky and a stone. Patrick, Sandy, Plankton, and Mr. Craves. Those are all the kids. No, there's also Pearl,

and the guy who says my leg, says my leg real loud. And then there's plankton. And the whale. That's Pearl. The whale's name is also. Pearl. I thought it was fucked up

by how a crab busted in another crab and made a huge fucking baleen whale. But I guess it's a cartoon I shouldn't look for much continuity. You know,

shouldn't be asking for that type of shit. Dude, I canceled like all my gym memberships because I'm moving and I've been like not doing anything and I'm back on my bullshit

where I'm like, damn, why do I ever work out? I, dude, I eat, yo, they're hard to find. they have them in the little bags. I found the full one-pound bag of Tabasco cheeseettes. It loves right outside Luling, Texas. Mowed them down.

And Loonling is 30 minutes from San Marcos. I ate the whole thing in less than 30 minutes. Like, and I thought it honestly, honestly, I thought of you when I had the last handful and I looked in the bag and it was empty. I was like, Tommy. I was like, this is, this reminds me my. Tom, because let me tell you something. A pound of food is a lot

of food. A pound of chips is like a... It makes you feel evil in a way that you didn't even think was humanly possible to feel evil in, you know? It's kind of good, though, doesn't it? It does... Yeah, it does.

Dude, you eat the big bag of Zaps? Not the little bag. You eat the whole big cock sucker, the Zabs voodoo, and afterwards you just feel like you're fucking... I had half a loaf of banana bread last night. I would have the other half of it was just me. Oh, do you, are you ever obligated to not, you want to go hard as fuck, but because you have a living partner, you don't go hard as you.

Yeah. Same brother. Same. Ashley's like, we had 16 cliff bars in the big box that we got. What happened to him? And I was like, oh, I ate some. And she's like, well, there's two left and I haven't had any. And we got them on Tuesday.

And I'm like, yeah. When I first lived alone, dude, I drank almost a case of full sugar soda every day. And I was like 175 pounds. Yeah. Dude, when I lived alone, it was like a case of Miller light and then like two fillets of salmon and like 20 cigarettes. Yeah. That was fine. That was fine, you know.

You were tiny babies. We were a tiny. I was not tiny. I was like 240 when we started the show. You were a little boy. No. I was fat as fuck. You're a little guy.

And you were tiny. Shut up, man. He-he. The laughers here I hope you're ready for a night of laughter I want to shout out to all the people who tell me that they can't come to Well it's just one guy who said he wanted to go to Orlando

And he got a ticket And then now he's on house arrest Which is pretty fucking sick to buy These tickets have not been up but for a couple weeks So I don't know what happened to you brother But shout out for offering the ticket up. I'll see what I can do about that. He asked guy message me and he was like, hey, dude, I like...

Honestly, whoever gets it, you should probably just pay the guy back. It sounds like... He's got some shit going on. Good time to have an extra $20. Yeah. For that guy. Whenever I was the first on house dress, I had $53 total, and I had to put that on record. I had to file that as a legal thing that I had $53 in my bank account.

Yeah. I remember when my dad had to do that, too, and he was like, well, I got paid and I paid my bills, so I got to tell the court I got like 40 bucks. And I was like, $40. And even as a kid, I was like, something's up. I think my dad, Brian's friend, has like at least $100, maybe even too.

And now I've got, I mean, it's spoken for, but I've got over $300 now. Yeah. It's just going to my lecture. What do you, can I ask you, what do you consider, when do you start, saying, nah, baby, we can't do this. I'm broke. Like, what is the amount in your checking account?

Because it's evolved for me over time. Like, broke used to mean for me I had zero in savings, zero in checking, and all my credit cards were maxed out. That meant I... It depends on how much money I have on the way. Ah, good point. Yeah, that's good. If I'm about to get paid, then we can run the will pretty much.

Who's that, that, like, he's Dave Ramsey, too. He's that fat retard. What's his name, Caleb Hammer? Yeah, I hate him. Yeah, I hate that motherfucker. I want to go on a show. What do you mean you drive a Ford F-150? Are you stupid?

Yeah, yeah. He says shit like, and your commute is 15 minutes a day and you drive a Ford F-150 from 2015. That is stupid. Yeah, I hate... Which, like, in some of the cases, it's like, yeah, he's kind of right,

but like, why are you being like that? Like, you're being really rude. He's gotten much ruder as he's built a fan base. He's also gotten much fatter. and grosser. Yeah, he's got an open. He looks like DoorDash. Like if that was a person.

Yeah, yes. Yeah. Where it's like he looks like a guy. He looks like a man who lives. He looks like postmates. He looks like a man who lives off convenience. He does. You know, he has an open call for people to debate him on his show in Austin.

And I kind of feel like I'm his joker because I don't, I don't care about credit. I don't believe in paying credit cards back. only pay the bills that you need to stay above board with the state. I'm not going to take advice from a guy who's a fat slob. Right. Don't take advice for me, by the way, either. I mean, nobody was going to, though. No, I'm making the point of, like, I'm uglier and fatter than him, and I don't...

No, you're not. He's uglier than you and fatter than you. He's also uglier than me and fatter than me. Maybe I'm spiritually ugly and fatter than him. than him, I suppose. No, his spirit, he is a spirit of a larvae. He's a bit... Look, I will say it.

I will say it publicly. He is a bad person, and I think we're going to find some stuff out about him that is going to really change how we view finances forever. I would like to... There's some guys you just want to beat the fucking... The way... After Caleb's behavior, I decided to no longer be responsible with money after hearing what he did to those women.

Like the blurred like Hulu documentary with the lowered voice of. After I found out what happened with Caleb, I decided I was no longer going to pay my car payment because of the allegations. I heard about what happened with those precious souls and I bought a boat the next day. It's clearly you.

They've only blurred out like the top half. your head. Top hap. That sounds better right. They got me. The top half. I want to see the top half but they're busy. I want to see the top half

that hangs over the jeans. I don't want to see that actually. Stop. But the picture where it's the pants pulled way up, but I used to think none of this was pussy. Oh, oh, yeah. Or all of it?

I used to think none of this was pussy. that meme really hurt my heart because I'm not going to lie I found out way too late in life that that wasn't pussy and I will say the age range was somewhere probably between 16 and 20 I really did think it was just like it was just you know like huge just the biggest pussy you've ever seen science teachers had huge huge ones

like something you could fit a pumpkin in you know what I mean like that like like something that you could put like a whole gold board inside with the fruits like a cornucopia like fruit. After finding that, I started to wonder if my teacher for pumpkin pussy class was really qualified. Yeah. I started to wonder if my teacher for putting a pussy in your pumpkin pumpkin pussy class was truly qualified. Why don't you have a seat for a moment? Can you really not put a whole pumpkin in your pussy? Ma'am, are you sure that you are an accredited teacher at Charlie Murphy University?

Do you ever see the videos of the guy fucking the shit out of the pumpkin? Probably. It sounds like something I've seen. Probably. Like, defeated? Like, yeah, probably, man. Yeah, I think so. Was this a guy with a huge dick?

Huge dick and big balls and it was asshole angle, too. I think I remember thinking more. Wow, that's a huge penis, which is probably weird. But for videos like that, you want it to be a normal one because a huge one really throws off what the video it's about, which is the act itself. If you have a huge one or a teeny one, it really distracts. You want an average penis in a situation like that. Solid seven-incher, you know, you're going to get it in there, but, you know.

All right, we're not going to say that a seven-inch penis is the absolute average penis. I don't think. Is it- Our listeners want to hear that? What do they want to hear? It's like five and a half is the average penis. Oh. That's seven inches.

No, oh, wow, I didn't know that. No, I didn't know that. This is of high school health class. No, I'm trying to subliminally get a bunch of our listeners to go home and measure their peckers and just get really mad about it. That's how you get John Lennon. Oh, like at the next show. Yeah. You said it was seven.

I mean, what's average? Eight or nine inches? I mean, who knows? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's blow my shit smooth off for that. be pretty sick. It would be awesome to have the exact average size penis and also be the exact average height and weight. Just be the completely standard fellow. Yeah, I mean, was it like 5-9, 5 and a half? It's like 190 pounds. Yeah, 190 pounds. Yeah, yeah. I'm describing all of my friends, I think. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, the guy that was that video, the black guy fucking

the McChicken and he's got a condom on, that's the greatest video, maybe one of the greatest videos of all time. Yeah. Or the video where it's 10 guys running a train on a chimpanzee. Haven't seen that one, Tom. Yeah, they're shooting her with blanks all the time.

Like revolver, like, like scaring her. Yeah, it just hurts. That one hasn't come out yet. Yeah, that's Jackass Six. Oh, fuck. That's where they try to course correct because people were kind of disappointed by the last one and it's just it was just fucking going to the zoo with an assault rival.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is kill all the apes of the zoo. This is kill all the people at the zoo, set the animals free and kill some of the animals and hurt them on their way out. Hi, this is Johnny Knoxville. I'm an eco-fascist schizophrenic. is fucking setting debt cord all around the cages letting the lines

Yeah this is shooting Weeman and throwing his body into the Into the tiger enclosure But he's dead We don't film him getting eaten This is shooting We man into a line enclosure And leaving the set for the rest of the day

This is shooting Bamargera from 200 yards This is killing Phil whatever the wife's name is. Ape. At point blank range. Oh, my, Bamb's dad is taking a shit. Let's break into the bathroom. It blows his fucking head on.

Okay. Instead of him going in there to beat his dad's ass while he's shit, he starts giving him a blumpkin, he starts sucking his dick on the toilet. I think that's a Comptown bit, right? Oh, is it? Oh, yeah. Come on, boy.

I don't want to get my dig stuff. Fuck. Oh, man. It all comes back around. the goats to the progenitors or whatever the fuck, the OGs. No, I think in that bit it was just Bam was sucking his dick for no reason. I don't think he was sucking his dick on the toilet, which I just added a little cherry glaze to the, maybe it wasn't worth it.

Oh, fuck, man. I, uh, what fucking, what time is it? Oh, fuck. Speaking of penis. Hold on. Speaking of penises and getting them hard A lot of times At the beginning

I just got hard Just thinking about this product A lot of times you don't Stroking it for the rest of his ad by the way Listen if you're thinking about starting a prank show Where you go into the bathroom Where your dad's pooping and you fuck him and suck his dick You're gonna want to get your penis hard as fuck

For this Okay I'm ready Stroking, I'm touching myself. Thomas, get to stroking. If something's been off in the... Plap, plap, plap. If something's been off in the bedroom, you're not the only one.

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Viagra is registered trademark of Viatris Specialty LLC. Hems Inc. is not affiliated or endorsed Bith or buy Vietris Specialty LLC. All right. So you take one of these motherfuckers and you can have fucking crazy-ass sex with your fat, pedophile uncle while he's taking a poop. Or you could just have normal sex with a girl or a guy. No problem. Why does my college want me to donate them money? money. Y'all gave me a free education. Well, not free. I'm just not paying it back. Fuck y'all

motherfuckers. I don't pay shit. I guess the school got paid. The government did not get paid. Ashley, dude, it was so funny. Ashley asked me, she was like, how much have you paid in your student loans in, like, the last, like, you know, 10 years? And I was like, oh, like, 100 bucks. And she was like, don't you owe like $60,000? And I was like, yeah, yeah. She was like, how do you do that? And I was like, oh, I should it be not, I'd just be telling them that I don't make any money. That's actually not, you know what? For the sake of the show, that's a lie. I tell them exactly how much money I make per year.

And then for some reason, they just don't charge me any money. And that's the story that I'm going to stick to. You ever go to say something and you go, nah, probably just legally speaking to. Yeah, well, then you just, you already said it. So you said all of the years. You just said basically what needed to be seen. I'm Jake and this is go to prison. Okay, let me admit to something that I've done that way that we can both.

It's like a blood bond. Yeah, that's straight. Don't call me Thomas. Oh, I dropped a tree, part of a tree on somebody's car. I didn't tell anybody. Yeah, you're talking about that. Hmm? You tell me about that.

No, not this time. Is there two times? Is that it happened? No. Okay. Yeah, no worries. That's cool. How big was the part of the tree, and what was his damage to the car?

There was actually no damage, but it was about 15 feet of a branch that fell from. It was like I felled it. Yeah. But I had a loader thing, and then the loader dropped it. it. I side swiped a like a iridescent like burple color, you know, like the classic burp, pit my ride burple. Side swiped a burple B.MW. M3 with my 1998 Crown Victoria, drunk as fuck. Just kept on cruising. I figured I was going to get pulled over eventually, so I was like swallowing some of the stuff I had on me. I was like, yeah, there's no way no one saw that. Made it straight home, nothing.

ever happened. It was in Austin, like 2000. I was in college for sophomore in college, probably 19. So, took the fucking, dude, I took the rap straight off the fucking side of the door and took the mirror off. Just kept cruising. Had a nice buzz on. I was listening to Sublime. Jail House gets empty. Rudy. It's a terrible song. I like it. Get home. I peeled some of the, some of the, uh, had gotten stuck to the side of my car. I peeled that off. It's a Crown Victoria's.

I don't care for a guy dents in it. And I just kind of waited for the cops to show up in my house. Never happened. Nope. I don't know. You know. So if you had a BMW M3

that was purple in Austin, Texas, and one day you came outside from your tech job or like your creative job or whatever the floor of a lawyer job and then your mirror was off and your car was fucked up. That was old Jake Rhodes. I think the statute of limitations on hit and run

is, let's see, statute of limitations. Probably longer than you would think actually. Hit and run. Let's check it out. Are we in the clear? Depends. Two years?

Bro, I've been stacking. I was stacking fucking straight money back then, dude. By money, I mean, I was hitting park cars like fucking nobody's business. and they're going out like hotcakes. That gives a fuck.

If I hit a nice car, I didn't feel bad at all. If I hit like an old shitty car, I feel bad. You know what I mean? You have to choose the moments in which you feel guilt in this life. Otherwise, you become worn down by it. So what if you... Yep. Okay, so what if you were a kitty cat?

Gotcha. And so sort of something along those lines you can imagine. Okay, I'm a small kitten. Kitty cat. Kitty, kitty cat. And you're hungry. No. And your owner puts down a meal that's kibble.

You have some one or two and you go over to it. I'm a liquor and the sucker in that moment. Crawl right in your bed and go to sleep. What if I were, okay, so I'm... You're terrible at exposition. I got to say. What if you were a little... kitty cat and you ate a perfect meal

and drink water and then went right to bed. Did you see the video of the Siamang, the Big Gibbon, and he was giving the little baby bird kisses and nursing it back to health? Yeah, like that. I love Siamang's that's my favorite animal. My second favorite animal, Red River Hog. If you've never seen a picture of a Red River

hog, go on your phone right now while you listen to this in traffic and Google Red River hog. It's the coolest, most beautiful looking pig animal that exists. I love the Red River

Hog. He's a gorgeous creature. They travel in packs, and it's one of the few animals where the boar stays with the mama once he comes in and produces piglets. Usually they just fuck off, but I guess these guys are good guys. They're not deadbeats. And they look like good guys.

They got big, long, black and copper ears, and they got beautiful copper bodies. with red undertones, hence the name Red Riverhull. These are beautiful creatures. I know, dude, this one of my... It's a pig, like a... A dog pig.

Yeah, like a pig fox. Yeah, yeah. Now, I don't get too horny now. Daddy, likey. Ben sent me a picture of a furry suit he found for sale in West Hollywood, and I jokingly was like, I wonder how much cum is in that thing. And then I was like, wait, why are you looking for furry suits in West Hollywood?

Hollywood. I didn't get an answer on that question, but I'm just assuming. I don't think Ben, I don't think my buddy Ben is doing anything in fur related. I think sometimes Ben just looks at stuff that makes him pissed off. I do the same thing, you know what I mean? I think you're Mike. Let me see if the mic's good. Like this?

Yeah, yeah, you went a little quiet for a second, but I think we're okay. Don't call. Looks like we're still good. Yeah, don't call me. Don't call me furry. I'm fuzzy. My paws are big, but I'm tiny. Yeah, there we go.

It's so hard to predict the volume on some of these. That's so loud, dude. Hold on. Let me turn down the volume on some of this. I want to write a Luke Bryan song. That's kind of been the thing I've been feeling lately. Food Brian. Yeah, food Brian.

Okay, food Brian. Okay, keep that. Don't lose that. Let me go back up. Food, Brian. Still very loud. Wow, it's still painfully loud. This is so loud. This is way too loud. It's the loudest thing in the world. Jake, is there away from this to be less loud?

Okay. All right. All right, hold on. This is so good for the audience. No, I can edit it in post. Everybody relax. It's creating pain. Yeah, my head hurts really bad now.

I want to find a more like Luke Bryan-style song. Food Brian. Food Brian? Oh, yeah, that's Food Brian. Okay, here we go. Burger. French fry. White wife.

Hot dog. Ham. French fry. White guy. Red truck. Dog dick. Red dick Dog's dick

My neighbor showed me his red dog's dick My neighbor showed me his red dog's ass White sandwich Wide bread Wide meat White land Wide land White country

White A country boy's dream All of the night Take it Thomas White sheep, white goat, drive way, dry throat. Troat. A chew. A good boy.

Do what it do. The food is good. Eating all the food is good. Candy and the orange and not the lemons is. I have sex with my dog and I have sex with my cat. having sex with all the animals in my house Very good Thank you guys for listening to Food Brian

It's been a long time since we pissed a bunch of the listeners off with songs It's go down for those who Go down soon guys You can't take a wire I watch the show You all we hear boys Take a ride to the show Take a ride to my house

You can throw me around with boys If you want to have Not that hard for you to see I'm happy boys If you want to come over To the boy house Better bring three boys Better bring three vows

Better bring more boys And you can count I'm the motherfucking boy I'm the boy count cowboys I count the boy One, a two, a three, four, five, more boys in my house feeling alive. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Five boys in my house.

Five more again. Now, let's ride. And if you want, take it to show her while we know who to. One boy, two boys. Take a ticket to ride. Take a ticket to ride the boys. Ten boys. We're going to take a ride.

That's ten times two. That's 20 boys' thighs. Let's ride. Every Led Zeppelin. At the end of every zone. Yeah. Tony Boy's Thighs was a bar. I want you guys to recognize that.

It's not a good bar, but... Satisfy your every little baby boy with a shiny new bottom. You got you. Want to wear a pair of overalls and get blown out by a pipe fitter? You've got a place for you too. Jake's Jiggle Hut is where men can go to be men. No girls allowed. If you're hearing this, that means you are cordial invited to be our new Jigal victim.

Once you arrive at Jake's Jiglhut, approach the wrought iron door, knock five times, and say, I am. Very nice. I submit myself to the jiggler's desire. The door will slide open and you'll be welcomed into the jiggle hut where all your dreams can come true. Very nice. What else I got in the vault? I'm thinking some of these are unreleased.

I've played this one. Hold on. Sorry, I've just been playing more with these, uh, 200 pieces of pussy from an Afghan lady going crazy. She was cool with it, though. So don't say nothing weird. Okay. Take a piece of tape and tape it to the wall. Take a piece of paint and paint the tape.

You got a sticky piece of paint. Sticking it around. Put it on you and stick a piece of the brown. Brown piece on your back. Yep. Now there's a piece of attached of a different color paint that I painted on a piece of tape. Put it on the front.

Now you got the brown in the back, the white in the front, the pink on the top, the yellow on your shoes, and the motherfucker right on your hands. Yep. I'm expressing my glands like a dog at the vet. If you want, I take a jog with some vets. And I set off fire crackers.

And then when they start running, I start shooting at them and shooting them down. I'm only one of the military that they gave a laser to. I wear a pink dress. I have no stress. I take off my pink dress. I got to wear less. I give the best head.

My baby mama working that pay less. Say less. If you see me, then, hey. Say yes to the dress That's a show that I work on I am a PA And I am the baddest motherfucker NVA Yeah

And now I'm in the NBA God, some of you might be wondering What's been going on with you guys The last couple days? And you guys know the nature of the show You get about Two good months of incredible And then you get, you know, whatever this is

What's this? Baby, let me see how that pussy live jiggle Baby, let me see how that Glock-9 tickle Baby, let me see how that crack rite smoke It ain't no joke Okay This is a new Thundercat song

I don't even ever heard that one Man I took my fucking Sleep medicine too early I'm like fucking Jake Mr. Cloud is here To cloud your thoughts And make you sleepy

It's me the government Trying to control you I'm trying to Or If you want to escape My government control You have to take all the wires And plumbing out of your house

Nah I see the sleep medicine doesn't do that. Nice try sleep monster. You got to hit me with the... No, and you're gay. You're seeing me gay and everybody knows it. That's the way they look at you.

That's more believable, I think, probably. And there's a pine cone on your bed, and I see you're going to feel it when you put your feet in there. But if you get it out, there's not any more. Dude, I... Would you rather have a pine cone in your bed or get raped a thousand times by a gray alien every day? And with the pine cone?

go keep in mind you can just get it out of your better since the one time. You don't got to keep it. Keep in mind, you can at any moment remove the pine cone. You can stop the pine cone, you cannot stop the rape. Yeah. I'm going pine cone personally. Yeah, I don't think I want to get fucked by alien.

Yeah. Some of the... Okay, third option where both of those happen. But I got no way out? Or... Yeah, with that one. Way out, way out, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to have a way out.

Let me grab my motherfucking, scare where you were. What up is way up with Angela Yeek? Yeah. Yeah, I can eyeball a 3-5, and I can eyeball a man's thighs. Yeah. Yeah. Chinese motherfucker. Anyway.

Big soda way I fantasize. Big soda the way I fantasize. Yeah. Donald Trump is giving an important speech right now. I think about how the elections weren't real. They're going to start cracking down on communists, so this podcast probably doesn't have much longer left to live. Oh, my God.

I can't wait for Brace Belden to fucking get this all recode. I would love to be in a RICO case with Brace. He would be the informant, man. He's going to be the one with the wire. He's going to make AI porn of me to gain my trust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's going to reveal my communist leanings. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he had me write a little essay for him. Maybe that was my secret way in to the fucking... Wow. So you've worked closely with him then? I have worked closely with Mr. Brace Bellin, one CIA Grace Belden. Have you worked with any other celebrities? Yeah, yeah. I, um, yeah, I don't mean to brag, but I used to be...

I used to run the Zamboni over Stanley Tucci's Nog. That's such a fan joke. I just wanted to hear it. It's such a Dennis Miller. Yeah, I don't mean my last celebrity encounter. Yeah, running the Zamboni over Stanley Tucci's Nog. Are you going to? Yo, you should, you should open a.

up for Mullen when he's in Fort Worth. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, I really hope I haven't been sending him annoying message for the last two years with no response. I was going to hit him up to see if he needed a feature for Austin. And the last message I sent him was something just kind of super normal. And, you know, like, I think it was like after the Adam Friedman thing. It was like, hey, nice meeting you, man.

Yeah. Hey, buddy. That's fine. Yeah, anyway, I don't, I Go see Nick. I don't. Yeah, go see Nick. You guys, I think tickets are already sold out.

Go see the boy. Yeah. We'll try and put him on. I know he's, you know. He's struggling in now. Probably going to be come crawling to us for help soon, so keep an eye out for that. We're the young dogs on the court.

Yeah, welcome to this empire we've created. you were talking. Welcome, friend. She remember me as a humble middling podcaster. Well, I have in the last five years become... Have you know I'm still a functionally a landscaper?

And, you know... Ten years later into my comedy... Ten years later? Functionally still a guy who... who digs holes. Not even a guy who had kids or anything. No.

No. Just wearing the same shorts I was wearing back then. Anyway. Anyway, we love this fucking game. We love this game. I actually do really love this game and I've been so grateful. And I want you guys to come and experience gratefulness. This weekend, Saturday, 7 p.m., me, Jared Moore,

riot river walk comedy club in san antonio i have tickets at the link of the episode please buy those motherfucking ticketrinos if you're a san antonio motherfucker and want to hang out please go get those tickets um i i'm supposed to come home that night and i'm not supposed to act bad and have a bunch of beers because uh the club is like 45 minutes from my house so i'm supposed to come home but we'll see what the night we'll see what the night takes us you know maybe i might take a two hundred dollar uber back from the club to my house because that's just what happens when you're a rock and roll motherfucker. If you're in Orlando August 14th, Alex's underground comedy club tickets will be in the link as well. Please go see that show. It's really important to me to sell tickets. It's like a 48-seater,

so if you've got the money to spare, please come hang out and see the show. I'll be in town from Thursday to Saturday in Orlando. So, yeah, come hang out with your boys. And then, fuck. What else I got coming up? Hold on. I got another big show coming up, actually. I need to, like, get on my shit and all my fucking... I need to get on my dicks in the row.

I want to see your little baby, bud. Let me see you. Where the fuck is my fucking goddamn dick sucker? Let me check my shit. One second. You can plug your stuff while I'm waiting. Okay. Well, that's about it.

for me. 822 at 10 p.m. I'll be doing a show at the Velve with the very funny Billy Wayne Davis. I'll be a part of the feature squad. There's going to be a couple of us. Billy Wayne Davis is going to be headlining. He was on Squid Village, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll be on that motherfucking show as well. And then on 9-11, 9-11, we are going to be at the green room. I'll be there all motherfucking night. So come check out the green room that is in North Austin. It's a weed-themed comedy

club at the back end of a head shop called Mr. Nice Guys. You can get those tickets at Greenroom ATX on Instagram. Thank you all for listening. Give me a follow on Jake Rhodes' comedy. Check out Drunk Uncle, the band. And I guess that'll be it for now.

Oh, I'm going to have a video episode up the Primos this weekend with Jared Moore. Sorry for the wait. I was out. Getting married and climbing mountains and eating cheese. So we're going to be back soon. I wish I could record more video episodes for you guys. But it's hard as fuck out here for a pimp. When you're trying to get this money for the rent,

the Cadillac and Gas Money spent, got a whole lot of bitches jumping shit. You know how I'd be. What else? I think that's it. All right. Bye. Bye.