Pendejo Time - foul-long dong

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

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Hello. Hello. Hello, mate. How are you? Me and me mum went down to the Skiggly Woggly and got ourselves a crispy ripper. Oh, a crispy ripper, mate. I recently had me Craig's Chagrin, my favourite dish. me Craig's Chagrin, my favorite dish. Oh, just like Grandpa used to eat. Grandpa would eat the Digger's Regret, and then for lunch he would have the Blacksmith's Treat.

And then for dessert, he would always make Moppers and Dingets. Moppers and Dingets. Muppas and Dingets is... I haven't heard that. That's such a yummy and tasty snack. Muppas, Dingets, and then you have your boopie, and then you have... Okay, I fucking can't do this, man.

I hate the English so much. I love them. You know, we descended from them. I don't. You know, without England, we wouldn't have any of these colonies. There were no people on these, you know, horrible continents before us. You know what I mean?

Imagine where Australia would be without Great Britain. They would still be, you know. I guess I don't. They would still be standing out. They would just. Every picture you see of the Aborigines, they're just standing out in the desert. They don't know what to do.

They didn't even have... They couldn't enjoy the wonder of Puritan work ethic. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, Aborigines, honestly, they need to get their bootstraps going. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, they're hanging out. You know, they're wearing a loincloth. You know, the Apache, the comanche the chakta the algonquin the cree you know who no one wants to work anymore and before before the spanish and the english arrived everybody just was lazing around hanging out in a tree taking baths in the river you know making a sword out of bone nobody wanted to work in a fucking coal mine and die and that just goes to show you why you know why we're the conquerors of the world you know because we we we believe in in hard work and fearing God. And honestly, you know what?

I believe we need more of that these days. Yeah. Because there's one thing that everyone knows about me is that I love working. And I love God. And so lately I've been thinking that the reason society is so effed up, because I don't swear anymore. I don't know if I told you, but I stopped swearing. It just felt like it was creating a space between me and God. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like every time I swore, I got inches away from God. And when I don't swear, I get closer to God by like a couple feet. I would assume. Yeah, I was actually talking to my alien friend Orm about this the other day because we were talking about how on Earth, which is our home planet as Earthlings, but to Orm, he's from Gerbil,

and Gerblings, they see work ethic as a relief. You know, we sit at work all day and think about going home. They sit at home all day and they think about going to work, which they do at night. And we don't have anything like that. We don't have an equivalent on earth where at night you're working. Right. There's no night shift here right but on um gerbil they fantasize about working at night and during the day they sleep and the sun doesn't come out till nighttime So that's when they work, because that's when the sun is out. Mm, okay.

It's during the night. And then during the day, the sun goes down. You can't work when the sun goes down, because then you'll lose track of the... Unless you have a flashlight, you don't know what's going... You don't have... They don't have lamps on Gerbil. Right, right, right. I remember you telling

me about gerbil you met orm orm was at that last comedy show we were at he did he did his set he bombed oh damn yeah he bombed poor guy he did a thing about how um women gerbils shouldn't be allowed to vote and i told him that's not funny on Earth. On Earth, Earth women can vote, and they do a great job of it. Women are better, on Earth, women are better at voting than men. And us stank-ass men, honestly, should stay out of voting. But on gerbil, women, and this is not, this doesn't apply to Earthling women so keep that in mind

but on gerbil women are really stupid and they don't know how to vote and the gerbil women need a guiding hand to help them through life unfortunately yeah got you got so he did not do well but do you think that any of the like alien disclosure stuff like how apparently according to that like ex-intelligence guy that's been like going before congress he says that we have like ships and stuff and we've had him for a while do you think that they did orm tell you that the cia has any of his cousins or anything orm was telling me that his race has been in contact with the CIA. And the CIA keeps dropping off crates of that Four Loko that you can't buy in the States anymore. The one with the caffeine.

Yeah, the CIA bought up all that, and they drop it off at alien planets now, to radicalize them and turn them against each other. To make them conservative. Yeah. So, you know, they're starting off slow. You know, in the 80s, you know, they were introduced to alcohol, and now they're up to the four locos with the caffeine in them.

So the gurglings don't know about these races that the cia is talking about but they also just kind of like mind their business and get their money up right because they're hard workers yeah like basically what you can catch a gurgle doing on any given day is like kicking back and working they their ass off and and like getting to the paper regardless i just i like it does concern me you know that with all these new uap ufo disclosures and close encounters of the fourth kind disclosures and claiming that you know we have you know alien bodies you know and some of these weapons testing facilities. And we've had them for a while. We've been in contact with them for a while.

Just like, damn, like, y'all don't ever want to come down and party? Yeah. We know how to party. We know how to party here, dude. We've been, we're, you know, like, we're highly evolved monkeys on a big space rock. And if there's one thing we know how to do, we know it's how to blow doja and fucking sip i bet these i bet these i bet these aliens have never even had a long island i see after a long day at work i could never work for like some very shadowy like sub compartmentalized intelligence group like within DARPA or something.

Cause I would absolutely like you go up to the little, like, you know, four foot, like gray, you know, classic gray alien with the big eyes and he's got telekinesis and shit, but they turned it off somehow. And I'm,

Hey man. He's like, and then, you know, the translator's like, hello. Like, uh,

all right. Computer ask Gimple if he's ever had a Campbell Turkish Royal. No. Alright, well, here you go. Here's a lighter. This is called a cigarette, and this is called a 10 milligram

Vicodin, and this is called a fleshlight. Go nuts. I'm on an alien planet and I'm wearing a leather jacket and I'm asking everybody if they've ever fucked on Molly. Yeah, you're like the chosen emissary for some reason.

They're like, all right, we're going to send you, you know, we're going to teleport you there. You're going to need, you know, to dress non-confrontationally. Again, this is not just different cultures. This is a completely different race of intelligent life, of species, of critter we don't know about. So we're going to give you, like, I'm wearing a leather jacket

with a big fucking eagle claw on the back, and I'm wearing a fucking america flag garter now i'm gonna smoke camel reds and i'm gonna challenge all of them to wrestling matches i'm gonna bring a fucking light tube i got a goddamn i got brass knuckles and they say fuck y'all i like don't i i've been i haven't really been keeping up it's great it's kind of weird I like don't I I've been I haven't really been keeping up it's great it's kind of weird it's like an overexplored you know like hacky observation but I like all this stuff whether or not it's true who knows but like it's like barely news and I've always thought like if if they really gave you proof of aliens like that would throw like if we had their bodies and stuff

and their ships and stuff like that would throw the god thing like out the window i feel like which would be you know kind of tough for a lot of like power systems in the world i don't think so necessarily the easy way i was just well god made aliens yeah i think i think especially for evangelicals they're uh there's already like a built-in answer that like well if aliens are real then god made them so how about that yeah for sure but then you have all of like the like the really like troubling philosophical problems of like well then like i don't think any i don't think anybody's thinking about philosophical problems right now i don't think about any of that shit anymore i just i just i thought about i thought about

buying a twisted tea for five hours out of today and i didn't do it but i just thought even up to like two minutes i almost it's 9 36 right now at like 9 18 i almost walked to the store to buy one. While you were on Discord, I almost just left. I'm not going to. I start the show like, hey guys, I gotta go. I got places to be. See you guys in a little bit. But yeah, I mean...

I think aliens... It's one of those things where... Yeah, there would be a lot of people excited about it. And, you know, it is still, you know, the child in me or whatever thinks that's cool. But it's just like if it doesn't directly affect what most people have going on, like with the economy is and so i feel like the economy has to be good for you to drop aliens and it'd be like a cool thing yeah that's a good point i guess i'm thinking like like like as a sort of like embittered like kind of jaded person with regard to religion i'm like oh like if a big green motherfucker well they just showed him on the news and he was like hey i'm a big green motherfucker i'm from super far away

and uh yeah i've been working with these guys for a while uh so super fucked up place you guys got here y'all fucking y'all got all sorts of fucked up meat and y'all look ugly as hell and y'all kill each other and it's pretty fucked up it's super chill where i live i only come over here to take pictures of y'all uh that i feel like there would like have to be some sort of reconciling with like like all right so we got a guy that died on the cross for a glorp like does it apply the same like do you guys was it one jesus for all the different types of motherfuckers out there? Or did they have their own green Jesus that got fucking, you know, stapled to a piece of plywood or something? I don't know.

But yeah, it's a stupid question. It's very much like a smoking weed for the first time in eighth grade type deal. But I'm not saying it keeps me up at night. But I genuinely don't care that much. But I'm like, oh, I see that they have aliens on the news, and regardless of if it's true, I'm like, well, damn. Like, you know, like, is the Vatican still got,

I mean, they're so powerful, I guess they would be like, oh, yeah, we've been talking to them too, I guess. You know, the Vatican's got a whole library filled with like uh like weird old types of spells and shit or something i think that's just a dan brown book but yeah i mean i'd be cool with there being like an alien pope that's like real yeah out of touch with humans and so he's saying stuff like i don't care about gay bishops but if you can fly you're going to hell yeah people are like i don't think any of us can can you guys fly can any of y'all fly he's like trust me there's billions of people on this planet who can fly all right and that's who we're gonna focus on reaching out to because i don't want y'all going to

catholic hell all right they uh they have like a whole different type of racism on the home plants they're like man i love it here y'all don't got any blue guys the blue guys are the worst they fuck they're loud they just can't stop fucking you know they can't stop sagging their pants like they have there's these venomous beans that they eat and the the toxic waste from the venomous beans spills into the water supply do you guys have that here and we're like not even remotely not even close no no yeah we get all these algae blooms because guys are addicted to nitrogen on my planet yeah i like uh i just don't think it i yeah it's like uh it's just being inundated with information constantly

and different types of tragedy that i just figured it would be more of like a showstopper. Imagine if they had an Arnold Palmer twisted tea alien that would come to your house and it was a giant can. When it opened its mouth, it was opening the can. And when it talked to you, it was pouring into your mouth. Is it a sexual encounter? No, and when it talked to you it was pouring into your mouth Is it a sexual encounter? No and then it would communicate with you it would the liquid

would go into your tummy and then you would sleep good What if there was an ever clear alien that came to your house at 10 in the morning and made your hand stop shaking? Like a NASA boardroom meeting, like SETI or whatever, and they're like, all right, so we've labeled them in classes. We've got your long greys, which are about eight feet tall.

They're your traditional grey alien. You've got your short greys. They're related, but interestingly enough, they're about 100 million light years apart. Not sure if they came from the same colony but it's possible then you have your disciples of draco these are the reptilians they are a rather nefarious group um they are willing to work with us for world domination you have your arcadians you know they're sort of a light being and you like raise your hand and you're like oh have you guys found a twisted tea alien yet you're like what you're like yeah the one that's like a big tube of twisted tea alien yet? You're like, what?

You're like, yeah, the one that's like a big tube of twisted tea, and he talks to you through your tummy, and he makes you sleep with it? Yeah, resting body temperature, I don't know, 40 degrees. Very cold. No, I'm sorry. Is this in the report? Did we miss something? The other night, I met six of these behind the wheel,

this in the report did we miss i met the other night i met six of these behind the wheel and they stunned me and made it very difficult for me to see yeah the gray aliens you know they have it's some form of telekinesis where they can almost induce a seizure uh it's like we we run tests with with prisoners and this this this sort of weapon they're born with, it's effective up to 60 yards. Yeah, I encountered 18 Coors Banquet aliens in the backseat of my Nissan Altima, and they have a similar ability to, they get inside your stomach, and they make you think about your parents too much, and then you have a panic attack and you fall asleep.

Yeah, I was wondering, I keep finding these alien corpses in my girlfriend's car. Yeah. They basically are disguised as empty plastic bottles of bottom shelf

vodka. I think somebody is hiding them under the seats. My girlfriend tells me she's got a an alien friend um weirdly enough he lives in atlanta um yeah he's uh he's he's not from earth so i'm not worried about it but she tells me that they they hang out a lot and they facetime a lot and he's got so many stories you know from his home planet and uh he uh oh is it a type of gray no he just looks like he really just looks like a normal light-skinned black guy if i'm being honest but

you know she just tells me she's for her research you know i was thinking about this earlier actually about what if what if people found out aliens are real but they were uh but they were all black guys. Yeah. And then all the old white scientists are like, oh, yeah, just like we were hoping. Yeah, awesome. Yeah, no, we'll have you. Lex Friedman is like, yeah, I guess I'll have one of you guys on the fucking podcast. Yeah, they're like not like,

they're just like dudes from fucking Baltimore. Like they they're they're like not like they're just like dudes from fucking baltimore like they're not like you know they're just like hey yeah and hey streets and streets are not nice on binglon it's just you know should be fucking wild hey i'm an alien what's up how's it going there's nothing it's just it's hann Hannibal Buress it's like alright we'll have you on on my planet what I like to do is

we got our own special type of smell good and it smells like Glorpus do you guys have Glorpus here? no we don't have Glorpus but what's smell good? Oh, it's cologne.

Yeah. I wonder if, like, I like to think that, you know, because of sci-fi, kind of to your point, it's like, you think that intelligent life somewhere else is going to be, like, ahead of us in terms of like brain capacity, capacity for like compassion and peace and they don't have war. And, you know, like you're projecting all of these hopes for, you know, Earth onto like these things that probably don't exist. I wonder if there is aliens somewhere that they have the same feeling about like just guys from Florida. Like they're looking through the big telescope and they can see Earth. Maybe they're not advanced enough to like zoom in and see. And they're like, oh, you know, the weather patterns in that place are nice.

I bet those people are so are so kind and intelligent. You know, you can see the ice up on the top. You know who people who live there you know i i don't even know if it's habitable i'm not sure what type of beings but we can detect intelligent life they have they have satellite type things so we know that the but man i bet the people who live just right in this right at the south of this big continent there's a really weird shaped one i think you know right at the tip there i'm sure those people are so sweet you know if they could get a like a floribama guy to like be an emissary of the u.s

i guess that wouldn't be a bad choice like of all the types a guy in like a columbia pfg shirt yeah yeah he ripped the sleeves off of it he's got hey dudes on yeah uh so do y'all got um y'all got meth here i'm sorry no we don't all right well i got brought a bunch so we're gonna get you guys to you know you're gonna get really angry and horny and scared and then i'm this will fix all your problems i hope that we can uh I hope that we can get to a point where we have an intergalactic federation. Yeah, I would break off, and I would make an intergalactic confederacy.

Where we... Like the first four planets of the solar system versus the other five or whatever the fuck? Oh, yeah. Would you implement slavery in your confederation? I wouldn't implement it, but I wouldn't get rid of it if it was already there. You know, well, I mean, people are going to jump on me for that one. But you don't know what Glimulus's economy is like right now.

And I'm sure I'd love to see you harvest these cash crops without the Galubians help. It is their help because they want to be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get a house. They get gloom juice. They get

to wear purple meeks every day. We give them moccasins made out of mucous. And Morkus lives at the top of the house, and they get to talk to Morkus whenever they want. And Morkus tells them what time it is at any time they ask. And they wear their purple meeks, and they go to the purple mooks out in the fields, and they go,

Mooka, mooka. Mooka, mooka. And they and they say yeah we love it here and are you gonna argue with that just because glimulous yeah you know the un is or the uh up i guess united planets yeah they're on this planets i United planets. I know they're on to us a little bit, but the Geneva Convention was like 30,000 years ago. We don't have triple-bladed knives anymore. That's not mustard gas. We don't use that. We use microplastics now, and we use seed oils. We kill all the-

I'm basically like the Saddam Hussein of seed oils right now. To kill all the... I'm basically like the Saddam Hussein of seed oils right now. And, yeah, basically what I'll do is I'll... If any of the mooks are acting up, I will send in a flood of vegetable oil, and it just wipes them out instantly. Sometimes when you start doing these alien planet names and the names of the

different types of guys that live there a part of me does get a little anxious that you're accidentally gonna say like a slur because mook sounds bad i don't think it is a slur but on my planet it's normal on my planet you haven't been where i've been do you have a it's like a like an alien emissary you guys have like any like sort of lazy worthless people here that you guys kill like you just sort of kill them and you're like no man we don't do that stuff anymore oh you should get back to that for sure like you should you guys really ought to should be doing some more of that stuff super fun like if you're not the one getting you know like put in a big hole or whatever. It's pretty sick.

Also, Gloom Juice is like, that's a great name for a drink. Like that is a Gloom Juice almost sounds like something that Young Thug would call lean. Like I don't, it's a really, it's got a nice ring to it. Like sipping on Gloom Juice, like something to make you a little sad but makes you feel good. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's nice. I mean, I didn't come up with the name, obviously. Deuce or the gloom juice. You know what I mean?

Yeah, Minky did. Great. I love that you have so many friends named Minky and Morpus and Goron. Yeah, and, you know, if you hung out with us every time we invited you, but I'm not going to – you'd have to talk to Forple about that one. It's his garage. Yeah, and, you know, if you hung out with us every time we invited you. But I'm not going to – you'd have to talk to Forple about that one. It's his garage. Forple?

Yeah, I mean, Forkle and Forple and Meep. Meep. Meep. That's not you struggling. His name has 67 E's in it. Meep. Meep. That's not you struggling. His name has 67 E's in it. Meep. Hey, how's it going, man? My name's Jake.

Oh, hey, this is my friend Thomas, and this is meep. Oh, do you have like a shortened version of that? Can I call you meep? No, you can't. No. It's like our version of a biblical name. Oh, yeah my the for sure you can call me me it's just like a little shit yeah just take off the b yeah just yeah yeah yeah this is my cousin take off the b and three of these oh cool like do you guys have like nickname? Can I just call them... No, no, no, no.

You got to say the whole thing. Or else they explode. If you try to shorten their names, they immolate. Yeah, this is my friend Pussy Liquor 1000 for a million years. Oh, can I just call him Pussy... Puss, maybe? Can I just call him PL? Like, is that chill? Oh, yeah. You know, you can call him PL1000 let's call him pl like is that is that is that chill oh yeah you know you

can call him pl 1000 for a million years if you want no i just kind of want to cut like you know in casual conversation like it's really hard for me to be like hey do you guys want anything to store what about you pussy pussy looker 1000 for a million years like that's a mouthful you know what i mean so just wondering if i could like uh trim that down you could call him a big dick goat fucker from hell if you want he likes that that's like a name he when he went off to college he tried to reinvent himself so it's like his nickname you know what i mean what if uh that what if there were aliens they tried to learn our language by scanning satellites but they only picked up pornography. So they... That is...

So that they're... You know, they meet with, you know, whoever our future leader is. He asks their name or whatever. The leader's like, well, you know, and well, in your language, my name is Black Neighbor Fucks Your Wife. My name is Black Neighbor Fucks Your Wife.

Hey, I'm Joe Biden, leader of the United States of America. CIA people picked you up. I'm pleased to meet you. What's your name? Cock Goblin Latina Gets Done In In A Parking Garage. What's your name? Cock Goblin Latina gets done in in a parking garage. That's me. This is my son. Big Pog goes to jail.

This is my daughter. Big floppy titties. And this is our... You guys have dogs here. This is our sort of lizard creature. Jason Love. This is my son. His name is... Sister Will Fuck Anybody. Yeah.

So I was just, you know, we've been keeping an eye on you guys for, you know, a thousand, thousands of years. And really really within the last 50 or 60 is when we started to really understand your language so you know that's kind of we took kind of a page from you guys's book so yeah and i mean it was all started by our lead science scientist you know his name was uh dominoes twink gets skull fucked in public yeah you know our president, Johnny Sins, he really did a lot of work for that,

sort of to get to you guys. He was the one who sort of funded this whole, you know, expedition, if you will. But that would be silly. Yeah. I wonder if there is a type of, it's got to be, it's funny to speculate that like say there is like a really hyper intelligent group out there whatever the fuck and you watch humans

and let's let's say you know people who are way smarter than me and everybody are like uh we hit the scene 150 to 300 000 years ago so let's just it 150. So we went from being like Neanderthals and like weird little fucking hominid type guys to this type of guy, like me and you. And we've been around for like, you know, a long ass time. And you're watching these guys go from, you know, like chewing on rocks and getting eaten

by saber tooths and shit. And then they start like building communities near rivers and then they start planting shit. Shit comes out of the ground and they go, oh that's awesome i can eat that and then they start fucking eating you know bugs and shit and different types of animals and that goes on dude for like a hundred and forty nine thousand and nine hundred and twenty two years then, for 80 years, they're just jacking off all the time to hardcore pornography. I know the guys have jacked off. The first guy that jacked off was probably like, hell yeah, this shit rocks.

I'm not saying the guys haven't been jacking off. I'm saying once pornography hit the scene, it's just kind of what you do. Yeah. I'm currently beaming a thought up to the aliens. What are you saying? I saying clogging their airways the thought is lonely russian housemaid crushed by hydraulic press i'm clogging their airwaves it's the only thought i'm sending out there it's overriding their systems sir Sir, we're getting an in-transmission from Earth. Oh, my goodness.

What is it? Somebody's using telepathy. They figured it out. What is it? Lonely Russian housemaiden gets crushed by pneumatic drill. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I guess we'll wait for the next one. Not very important.

Not a very important transmission, Glorpus. Wait, we've got a new one glorpus read this freshy froggy fucks a finger that can't be right no it's coming through again exactly the same way christ he's sent it 17 times in the last 15 seconds. Why is he thinking so fast? Fat white woman from Florida gets dicked down by toad. Put finger in ear, then in your butt, so you can... So then your ear, part of your ear goes into your butt. Now you can hear from your butt.

You can hear the toilet. They're just... They're, like, hovering over, like, MIT, and it's just like, it's just like, try to fuck research assistant after work. Can't wait to get my old dick hard and fuck research assistant.

Yeah, they have, like, some sort of, like, holographic, like, mind-reading software, and they've deduced through some sort of like a holographic like mind reading software and they've deduced through some sort of like magic uh like where the smartest humans are you know like god damn it we tried you know we tried the florida place it wasn't too good um but we found this this place mit's just three three of their human letters uh so uh but this is where a lot of the guys who built the rocket ships came from. And the guys that are trying to reach out to us all go here. So let's just check in and see what they're thinking.

Can you turn on the thought reader? Okay, we're going to press button on that. Want to have sex with student. Want to put penis in student butt. Want to suck on breast of student. Will pass student for blowjob. Will kill wife if I get to fuck student and bury wife in Appalachia. I hate mopping these fucking floors.

I hope somebody shoots this place up. All right, we're going to scan a different part of the university. We're not getting a lot of good feedback here. Can you just pan the satellite head like fucking just 20 feet to the left? I have a gun. My life has been terrible. I'm going to turn this school into a river of fucking blood, and no one will ever remember my name or anyone's name who ever went here.

I am 60 years old, and I have always wanted to suck balls. I'm a happily married man, but I cannot stop thinking about getting beasted out by an oil rig worker named Big Tubby. I want to kiss Peter Pan. I want Mickey Mouse to crawl inside my body like a bug.

I want to kiss one of the grasshoppers from A Bug's Life. I want to suck the candle from Beauty and the Beast like a penis. I think science is gay as fuck, but I teach it every day. I hope

this kid's parents get a divorce so I can try to fuck his mom. Yeah. We're not getting a lot of... I love teaching Jim. I wish I could fuck all these kids. All right, scanning over. We're going to go to the art side of the building,

and we're going to see if anybody, any of the creativity, any of the philosophers' minds are a little bit more pure of heart. Some of those, you know, science is a cold, cold industry. It can turn even the best men into sort of, you know, black-hearted psychos.

Let's check in with the philosophy and politics guys. Scanning. Brown guys stink. Ah. I want to eat macaroni cheese if i put peanut butter on my asshole my cat will lick it but his tongue is too sandpapery so i will try the dog i think blood tastes like a apple i like to chew on the doorknobs of my house until my teeth bleed.

I think Chris Kyle could not kill me in hand-to-hand combat. I want to chew Natalie Portman's feet off and then bury her ten feet under in a rock quarry. Later, need to Google Natalie Portman single now and then natalie portman jewish and natalie natalie physical address natalie portman still jewish natalie portman zionist natalie port natalie port natalie port woman natalie natalie port sadly saddle the up and ride Natalie Port woman Natalie Natalie Port Satellite Satellite up and ride Margot Robbie

Can be exploded? Question mark Margo Fargo The show Fargo Fargo Robbie Bargo

Margo Barbie Anyway How to get divorced And make my wife blow up Margot Barbie. Anyway. How to get divorced and make my wife blow up. How to get ugly stepson a job. I wish I... I wish all my students were 16-year-old Margot Robbie and my wife blows up a million times. where 16-year-old Marco Roby and my wife blows up a million times.

I wish all my students' shirts would come off, but not the men, just the girls. I wish their shirts would disappear so I could see their breasts. I wish all the boys in this class would die. I wish I could be the only boy in this class and all the girls would show me their things. If I was one of the boys in this class, I would have would show me their things if i was one of the boys

in this class i would have the biggest penis because i'm a grown man penis keeps growing after 35 penis growth after 42 penis penis thicker at 50 two question marks i hate teaching music i think music is gay. I wish I could kill all the boys in this class. Well, MIT was a bust. MIT was a bust. I love being the principal of MIT. I love eating an apple every day.

I'm a human man. I'm a human man. And I love wearing my double shoes one on each foot i like wearing two socks and two shoes and i like wearing my human underwear to go to the human store to receive nutrients for food my name is lex friedman i hope i hope that later the bleed scientists in the world joe rogan calls and i have him on my podcast and we discuss the intricacies of the world the lex friedman does kind of talk like how we're talking i yeah there is something there is something about ai that truly fascinates me

do you think that the power of love could overcome the um how do i put this uh the power of hatred do you ever think about what would happen if you gave ai to a bug and it perhaps had a small computer that it used to program smaller bugs to go into its mouth. He does like to take these pregnant pauses as if he's about to say, he's about to pose the most profound question of all time. Like a new perennial question for many minds, generations of minds to ponder as the sun burns and the world turns.

He's like, have you considered um the possibility that when you get hungry that you eat a yummy snack is that possible you understand where i'm coming have you ever thought about and forgive me if i'm wrong i'm still somewhat of a novice on this have Have you ever thought about how if recess, if there's a way we can make it longer, then perhaps in doing so we could extend playtime even further? Or would it be sort of a, how do I put this, you know,

a limit on the returns there, How do I put this? You know... A limit on the returns there. Diminishing returns. I've only seen a couple studies on this, so... My apologies, but... Do you think that society would be... Goodness. Better equipped to deal with tragedy if it was socially acceptable to put a hole what i phrase this in a bar of irish spring soap and fuck it

have you ever thought about the possibility that maybe my sort of studious charm comes from the I don't know how to put this the fact that I look both six years old and, he, he loves to be like, um, like just his, I've watched like a couple, I haven't watched like a bunch of his shit, but he'll like enter, he interviewed Richard Wolff, who's a guy I like. And I watched the Kanye when I was just curious, but he like will ask somebody straight up like, do you believe in the healing power of human love it's like what who the fuck like what are you doing like what kind of question is that like you have this really popular podcast where you interview like some of the smartest and most interesting guys

in the world and you're like do you believe that if you hold hands with your friend you're closer to them do you um have when you kiss your wife do you love her i heard you fucked your girl is it true yeah it's like the scientist version of that oh yeah that's that good shit um it's gotta be i would love to be the dumbest scientist in the world really because that you right that exists you know like you're like you went you and you got the shit and you know you got the degree and you spent the time but you're you're a moron like you're not a moron you're smarter than me but and i don't need to be a moron i mean it happens maybe you know you got your doctorate at a community college or something i don't know

yeah that'd be cool if you could do that they should let me do that i don't mean to brag but i've been going to community college on and off since i was 14 so almost 10 years now and that's how long it takes to get a phd and that's how long it's taken me to become a sophomore in college, so no big deal. You somehow make it on the Lexus show, and you're like, where'd you get your PhD? Oh, MIT. Oh, interesting. Yeah, it's a solid, solid school. What'd you get it in?

Robotics? Oh, an artificial intelligence robotics. Honestly, that's like a really, really, really like a solid area of study. Lots of good growth happening there. I went to a school with a 78% acceptance rate, and I studied political science and got a 2.8 GPA. And no one's really bragging. We don't have to talk about utility or usefulness to society. It's great that you went to MIT though. Yeah.

MIT. Uh, what does that stand for? Your meanest, your man, penises, tiny, little

MIT. Man, I'm tired. It's little. MIT, what does that stand for? Man, I'm tired. Because you're looking real sleepy right now, Alex. What does that stand for? Mons is topper. He's like, no, it's... It actually stands for...

Massachusetts Institute of Technology? I don't even fucking know making idiots tinkle and it's a fetish thing unfortunately it's hard to get into because you have to pee so far yeah the acceptance rate's like super low i think like sub three percent you have to have like a 99th percentile urethra yeah it's a it's a competitive university like yeah i'm at mit oh my god dude you're at mit i gotta holy shit uh what do you i didn't even know you were into like stem and stuff stem no no i'm into i'm into piss oh are you studying human biology i didn't know that program for that there uh i'm no i think maybe we're on off on the same not on the same page here i'm at making idiots tinkle it's like a small you know um stem school out uh in the jungle the wild jungles of west virginia and boy did they yeah harvard was that same for huge ass really vagina always really done oh no man it's it's um it's just the name of

you're like interviewing for like a really big job when you see like a harvard degree in the back you hit that guy's like uh no it's a prestigious american university i figured yale what's that sent for yellow aluminum leo every day you like lie on your resume you send in like fake test scores for like a big law firm in dallas and like uh fucking brown what does that stand for poop brown that used to be my favorite color growing up not it was green yeah you went to you went to a school that's the same color of poop dude yeah oh did you get an art degree in smearing your shit on the wall you fucking go uh i don't know i didn't loot the g yeah what was i even gonna say yeah you're gonna say you were you were gonna say i was gonna say idiot then i said g and i said that sounds like an action i don't know giddy it sounds like a slur Gidiot to me Gidiot sounds worse than idiot

Gidiot sounds like a weapons Like they make pistols How about Gidgen Gidgen Gidgen sounds tough I don't like that As for a gay pigeon Hey Lex I know you're really into robots and shit

But you ever heard of a Gidgen? No, I can't say that I have. Is that like a philosopher you admire? Or like an author you read? Nah, it's a gay dove, a gay pigeon. Hey yo Lex, I just built a robot that's made to molest you every day, forever. You won't be able to out-wrestle him. I put a bunch of pneumatic pistons in his shit

yeah programmed to like 20 000 pc at psi he bite harder than one million crocodile this is like the george saint pierre robot molesting so good luck pal yeah his target is you every day all day you ever see terminator okay well imagine if ar if Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't want to rescue the kid, but he wanted to fuck him. That's what I made. That's what I invented, and it's only... I'll be fucking you. I'll be back to fuck you. Arnold, no, it's just I'll be back.

You don't got to add... I wanted to add, Lib, a piece of the line. I'll be back. I'll be back, you. I'll be back giving you back shots. No, it's not... I'll be gay. I am going to come on your back.

Listen, man, it's I'll be back. That's all it is. It's not anything else. It's not back shots. It's not I'll be gay. It's not I'll be back to fuck you. It's not I'll be back to molest you one million times. Lex Friedman, just give it a shot.

It's just I'll be back. It's three words. All right, ready, action. I'll be... I'll be... I'll be sucking dick. I'll be i'll be i'll be sucking dick i'll be i'll be kissing kissing boys arnie arnie buddy i'll be experimenting arnie listen i want i want to try it I want to try it. I want to try it.

Arnie, listen. It's a long day. This is about a $10,000 a day studio here, okay? I want to kiss boys. Arnie, are you becoming Romanian in any possible... Okay, never mind. Just give me I'll Be Back, and then we can all go home and get some dinner and go home with our wives, okay?

Here we go. All right, this is Terminator 2. Warehouse scene, take 1,310. All right, and quite on set, action. I'll Be Black. Arnie, no. Listen, you're a big's he's doing the exact same movie but he's holding the gun sideways no change in tone whatsoever. Oh, man.

Hell yeah. He does the cool like shotgun flip thing and then just holds it at an angle. Instead of like a cool like Harley Davidson, he just comes out of the wormhole

in like a Buick Regal.'s like like candy paint yeah oh fuck thank you he's just in a well-maintained chevy cruze yeah it's like a malibu not even the ss it's the ls but it smells really good it's got like the wood grain on the inside and leather seats, but just a four-cylinder. Yeah, and it's immaculately taken care of. He gets the oil changed like every 3,000 miles. But there is one cigarette in the little dashboard compartment that you just wonder what it's for. Arnie, thanks for working with us today. We'll give it a try tomorrow.

I appreciate it. Thank you. Listen, that's all you could have said.. We'll give it a try tomorrow. I appreciate it. Thank you. Listen, that's all you could have said. You said, I'll be back tomorrow. If you can cut the tomorrow off that, I'll be back tomorrow. Okay. Well, you know what? We'll give it one more shot.

Just say exactly what you said just now minus the tomorrow. Okay. And action. I'll be. I'm Chinese. I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger I'm famous I'm strong I'll be fucking you

Alright that's it for today fellas I'm pansexual I am Arnold My name Arnold and I have been thinking All right, that's it for today, fellas. I'm pansexual. I am Arnold. My name Arnold, and I have been thinking maybe that I've been living as the wrong gender. I don't think that would happen. I don't think so. I think Arnold's horse is bigger. I don't think that would happen.

But anyway. Anyway, do you... That would be crazy. That would be absurd. I'd be seriously surprised if something like that happened honestly honestly man in today's world i nothing surprises me because of how fucking wacky yeah crazy the the presidency is especially with all these damn democrats ruining everything i remember whenever i was growing up we used to eat 25 lollipops every day, and we would lick them all, and our teeth would turn red.

We'd eat so many lollipops. And you could buy a gun from your friend. I would keep a gun in my piggy bank, and when I got mad at my friend, I'd throw my piggy bank at my friend's head, and I'd break the piggy bank, and I'd shoot him. Things used to be different. You know, we used to leave our doors unlocked, and we would go over to our friends. We didn't have to lock our doors. We didn't have to have rain cameras.

We'd leave our doors unlocked, and then we'd just walk into our friends' houses and suck on their dick while they were asleep. Yeah, and now you can't do any of that. You've got a deer that comes in your house and fucks you every time you fall asleep. You've got to get an Uber to go to your job where a woman yells at you. Yeah.

You freaking walk out of the bar. You've only had a couple beers and a grown male deer, a buck, comes and pins you up against a wall and fucks you. And he's in rut and he stinks. His musk is unbearable. You have to carry his fawn baby. And he'll know if you get rid of it. He can smell it on you. Yeah, he can smell it.

He'll come to your house again and keep trying until you actually carry it to term. And then you give birth to a beautiful half-human, half-elk type creature. And then you kind of develop a bond with him just through that carnal of an encounter. And then you start sucking him off while he plays 2K and stuff. and he's dude here's the thing about elk they love to play 2k they're really good at it um yeah yeah they're they've got the all of these blue cities the paws that the hooks yeah there you go i was gonna say the pause where there's two of them on yeah it's clear today both of us are operating at limited brain capacity really i i wouldn't go that far i would say you know i've been better yeah but there's never that much going on up there you

know i don't want to i don't want to overbook myself you know what i mean i don't know if we've talked about this in the show maybe we have it sounds familiar maybe we've talked about it outside but i've been really really trying to to be a good boy you know and not not drink 10 beers every day and i haven't really been but dude they should make turnpike troubadours long hot summer day you shouldn't be able to play that song at a restaurant or a bar you just should you shouldn't because like if i go out to eat or something and that song's playing you know i'm getting a cold one you know i'm gonna have six you know what i mean like you just want to go out for a nice lunch your girlfriend or your fiance and you just you hear that fucking every day i'm working on the

illinois river get a half a day out. You know that it's 100 degrees outside. It's game over. And it's like a siren song for me. Some football players, they got the music they listen to. Some fighters, they got the rappers they like. They listen before they get into a fight. They go out and entertain. If I hear Long Hot Summer Day and I'm out at a restaurant or I'm on the way to the store,

you know I'm getting a big one. It's just, you know, it's something in the airwaves of that song. Something in the data gets inside my head and it says, drink 10 ice cold beers and fall asleep on the couch. You know. Yeah, I definitely would have had a couple tonight. But I had to go do a couple things. I had to go to Petco.

I had to pick up some cat treats. You don't want to be drunkenly stumbling into a pet supply store. Yeah. Never a good look. Yeah. You got to have your wits about you, because what if one of the bearded dragons gets out? You know, and it starts killing people. You've got to protect your life and your family's life.

Yeah, I saw they had a lot of stuff on clearance at Petco, which is weird to me when it's live animals. Like, why do you want to get rid of it so bad? What's going on with this gerbil that makes you want to sell him to me for $8? They said a big-ass sign outside Petco. It said, 50 50 off bearded dragons i said i don't want to fuck it you bought these things you better take care of them until somebody buys them yeah right yeah you're the pet company this is you thought this was a good idea

was to have a big ass store full of bearded dragons yeah i don't know who the fuck is buying i know people buy snakes and lizards and all that shit but to me i'm like there's certain animals that will have a bond with you beyond like you being there you know i don't think a fucking i don't think it's reptiles don't yeah yeah it's a whole different type of animal yeah they don't have like enough of like a capacity to like understand like companionship like a dog game over you know that's clear and established a cat they're a little bit more finicky they have their own personalities but you know there are affection they're very domesticated though yeah and then

you know people get pigs they're very sweeticated, though. Yeah. And then, you know, people get pigs. They're very sweet. And, you know, people get weird, like rabbits to some degree, you know. But, yeah, you can't make a reptile love you. You know, you can't make a hollow house love you. Even, like, mice, you know, people's mice love them. Rats love, yeah, rats love people, you know. Man, I killed so many rats when I lived in that house.

Probably, like, probably, like, I i mean i didn't kill the rats the traps killed them but i killed like a lot of rats and mice when i lived in the house and uh i feel bad about it you know because look man if i'm just like going out to get food like I get a rumbling in my stomach and my biological imperative is to eat. And I would go to Chipotle. And then when I open the door, a big latch just snapped me in half and broke my spine. I would be really upset. I wouldn't like that. It's unfortunate.

It would be really sad and it'd be very confusing because like imagine that you know the headlines sexy handsome intelligent 29 year old man snapped in half by plastic trap so it always struck me as kind of sad that you know we do that to them but you know it's my house and i know they have more uh humane traps i think they have ones where you, they go in there and then they can't get out and then you go like release them into the wild or whatever. Um, but I don't have time to be doing that. You gotta, you gotta kill them pretty good.

Uh, one of my favorite ways when we had the rat problem, one of my favorite ways to, uh, if we like ran out of the traps or whatever was, um, uh, to like, like late at night.

So you set up some peanut butter like in the corner and the motherfuckers love peanut butter. And so we only had like two rat traps, but the house was like super, super infested with rats. And so I would set peanut butter like in the corners of them. And then like late at night when I heard them scurrying, I would go over there. And then, like, late at night when I heard them scurrying, I would go over there and I would just, you know, with a big, like, rubber mallet just smash them, like, over the head and the body and shit until they kind of, like, exploded all over the floor. Yeah. Like talking to a therapist. Yeah, you know, I lived in a – I didn't really do that that would be really fucked up but um i mean i wouldn't put it past you jake i know i mean i've known you it was believable yeah not that you would have enjoyed it but you know there's

there's a special time in my life at that point yeah no i uh our landlord i remember this is this is true our landlord there were rats when we like moved in the rat problem definitely got worse but our landlord was this like pillhead fucking loser that would like never fixed anything in the house like my the ac unit in my room went out like week two that we lived there he never replaced it it. Our windstorm hit, like a really bad rainstorm, blew awning off of the porch. He just came back with zip ties and like plastic sheeting and then just fucking taped it to the support beams of the roof. Anyway, we go to move out and he comes to do his walkthrough. And he's like, why are there rat traps here?

Like, oh, you know know like the mice problem and he was like we never had rats in this house dude when we moved in i don't know who lived there before there was just like bugs and rat shit like he clearly had cleaned it up a little bit but he was like this is unacceptable i kept this house in beautiful working order. It's like that house was notorious at the school we went to in the local area for like, if you could get five people to live in that house, the rent was like 350 each. Like it was a place where you went to like do drugs and ruin your life. It was not, it's not like moving into the four seasons or whatever. So it's awesome. Yeah.

A sub person I want to be someday. Yeah. That's awesome. A sub person I want to be someday. Yeah, I hope that when I have a kid I can tell him to find four to six of your closest friends. Okay, son? I know you're 17 now and you're getting ready to go off to college. Find four to six of your closest friends. Make sure all of you get hopelessly addicted to cocaine and alcohol and Vicodin. And then you're going to want to move into their house together and lose your jobs. Because you've got to learn to grind.

Your dad, see me, I gave myself those problems so I could be tougher mentally and physically. That's right. You know? There's only one way, you know? It's to completely destroy every and any relationship you have, be it romantic or otherwise, and get fired like once a month for a year and

then uh and then at the at the young age of 26 decide hey i'm a grown man now i'm a grown man now and i can't be i can't be doing this you know i'm a grown i'm you know i'm i've sowed my wild oats i'm 26 and it's it's it's time to grow up, you know, instead of drinking 12 beers a day, drink eight, you know, it's just that instead of doing, you know,

two grams of cocaine and, you know, an hour and a half, just do like half a gram. You know what I mean? Oh, just kidding. I don't,

I don't do that anymore. Anyway, if you're listening to this great episode of Padeo time, we're the Padeo time hosts. Uh, we're the hosts of Padeo time. And that means, youo Time hosts. We're the hosts of Pandeo Time. And that means... Oh, you can't hear the clapping.

It's not on Audacity. That means that you are listening to a free episode. If you're listening to a free episode, that means that you need to get that money up. You need to get that money up. You need to get that money up. And you need to... Go on over to patreon.com

slash pandeotime. Toss us five bucks a month to get you access to a on over to patreon.com slash pendejotime. Toss us five bucks a month to get you access to a bunch of backlogs, episodes, I think like 200 at this point, and Discord access. Really cool Discord got going on. Really active community. Everybody's nice and sweet and funny in there. I think it's like 250 episodes or something we got. Yeah.

It'll be 300 at the end of the year or something like that. Something like that. This is coming up on our three-year anniversary. And then $10 a month to get access to all that shit, plus our video episodes. I've got one I'm working on right now. I'm about to publish here within the week. And we've got a backlog of those as well.

The early ones, the quality is a little gimmicky because we were working with a pretty shitty camera. But we've got some better gear, so they do get better as you go along. Yeah, it's going to be a great weekend. It's 106 degrees in San Marcos for the next 10 days. And we are at an extreme risk for wildfire. There was just one in Bastrop, so I might be coming to live with one of you guys. Yeah, it's okay.

Heat is good for the body, and fire is good for the soul. Gandhi once said that. That is directly quoted from Hitler, who Thomas adores and admires. Goodbye, everybody. Dude, it's literally like 100 degrees right now, and there's lightning. This is awesome. You guys have a good one. Bye.