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We were camping in Zion for my 22nd birthday,
and I had finally gotten the grill going.
And then a great wind blew through the park
and blew the coals out.
We'd ran out of lighter fluid.
But I had had the burgers on the grill for like five minutes,
and I'd flipped them.
So they were cooked through, but they were gray.
And I was like, are you guys interested in a delicious gray
burger?
My friends were with me, and they were like, no.
And I was like, OK, well, if we want to eat tonight,
because we're drinking Wild Turkey 101,
we should eat something.
So we should eat these gray burgers that I made.
They are a little cold in the middle, but they aren't pink.
So I think it should be fine.
And it was fine.
I think that there's been a lot of propaganda about raw meat. I think
you like you said earlier before we started, you can eat raw chicken, you know, it's probably fine.
You can eat raw ground beef. It's not a big deal. I see people in their cars on Instagram
eating raw steaks all the time, just right out of the packaging. Usually with some caption, it's like, I don't have to do what you tell me, which is, in my mind,
beautiful.
Nobody is necessarily telling you not to eat raw steak out
of the package.
But in your mind, ever the victim
from totalitarian big grill, you're
not allowed to eat the raw meat.
So.
Yeah. It. Yeah.
It's OK.
I mean, kind of like have a new nose,
you get rare with the steaks.
It just kind of makes your tummy hurt a little bit.
It's just harder to digest when you don't cook food.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't understand the carnivore people
who say that they switched to carnivore
and it fixed their diarrhea problems.
Because if I eat meat, like, I'm fucked.
It doesn't matter what type of meat.
But then I'll hear people.
It's definitely person to person, you know?
But like, I remember Rogan had a couple of guys on there
like, dude, I did carnivore.
I'm on six months.
First two months were really tough.
I was shitting a lot.
And when I would wipe, there would be blood.
But you know, like, pain is part of the process. And so when I was eating a a lot. And when I would wipe, there would be blood. But pain is part of the process.
And so when I was eating a lot of the meat,
I would go two steaks for breakfast, three eggs,
and turkey sausage.
And you shit a lot.
And I lost some weight, but I think I'm OK now.
And it's like, that's just the cancer running through you,
big dog.
That's just the cancer running through your butthole
and your butt cheeks and maybe into your balls too.
That's just good old-fashioned carcinogens
broiling the inside of your asshole, deep-fried style.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I would be down to do it, but if I could have everything
fried, like if I could have fried chicken and chicken
fried steaks, fried okra and French fries.
The fried diet.
Yeah.
And mashed potatoes and candy.
Were your parents ever really health conscious at all,
like in terms of what they'd feed you?
Like did they talk about being fat and stuff?
They would talk about that, but then they
would give us stuff that would make us fat.
And then we would get fat.
And they'd be like, what happened?
You guys are getting fat.
I keep forgetting you have like seven siblings.
They'd be like, yep.
Yeah, sure seems like it.
Just lining you all up on the big couch in the living room.
OK, guys, I'm seeing a lot of tub.
Looks like you guys are drinking the sweet tea we're
giving you all day instead of water.
It has nothing to do with it, but it
seems like you guys are a little overweight.
Yeah.
We were never a fat family, though.
We never, like, there's some families
where it's kind of their thing, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
No, for sure.
I have an extended family like that where it's like, oh, no,
those are the fat, you know.
Yeah, they like being fat, you know, and that's cool.
My mom's side of the family, there's
three of them in the household.
They're well over 1,000 pounds, household weight.
Easy, easy, squeezy.
Probably, if I'm keeping it 1 billion, 1,500, easy.
That's my aunt, my uncle, my cousin.
Yeah, my mom would do the same thing.
I understand she was a teenage mom,
but I think back now, and I was like,
if you leave a big gallon of the extra sweet red diamond
jug, the liquid nectar, the fucking goldene,
if you leave that in there and you say, don't drink all of this,
you can have one cup.
You need to drink water today and then you go to work for like 12 hours.
I'm drinking the whole jug.
I'm having like 300 grams of sugar in like a two hour sitting.
We would, I don't know if you guys ever reuse the plastic water burger cups, I would just
down 64 ounces of red diamond tea at a time.
Delicious, sweet.
And then I was a fat boy, for sure.
100% fat boy.
We were a Lipton family.
We would actually have the pictures of fresh tea.
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
So red diamond family.
And I remember it was controversial,
because my mom would do a third of a cup of sugar, which
was very little in Southern standards. Yeah, for sure. That's crazy. At least half a cup of a cup of sugar which is very little in Southern standards yeah for
sure that's crazy at least half a cup of standard my mom would do half of the
package of sugar from Walmart she would just turn over to where half of the
brick of sugar would fall out beats I guess two pounds yeah pop on in a half
yeah well they come in four pound thing so well I don't think it was the big I Uh, yeah, about pound and a half. Yeah.
Well, they come in four pound things, so.
Well, I don't think it was the big log.
I think it was like the one that's like maybe the size of your hand.
And she would pour half of that in there.
So maybe a pound, maybe 0.8 pounds of sugar.
I forget that.
It's not like my oven turns off
whenever the timer goes off.
I have to go take this out of the oven
or I'm going to burn the house down.
That's OK.
Don't burn the house down, buddy.
But in the meantime, I want the audience
to think about how good sugar tastes whenever you eat it
and you take a bite of it.
Mm-hmm.
I'm back So
So So Hey Thomas. Hey man, how you doing? Guess who made wet meat? What kind of pan did you make?
It's just really wet. What did you make wet meat out of? I mean meat, but what was your meat of choice?
93% lean ground beef with some chopped up onion, parsley, some zeta,
and some paprika in there with some salt.
That's what I love to eat at lunch.
He's a little more time from what I've been told.
I was trying to do something real quick.
This was like something real quick.
So I had the rice cooker set up, did a couple white rice with a quarter cup of
red lentils, put some salt and turmeric in there, had that, got that going. And then,
you know, the only reason, because this is, you know, it's one of those nights where I
just, there's not much going on in my brain really and that type of night is usually a taco night yeah here's the issue two nights
ago was taco night last night I was so lazy it was use the leftover taco meat
to make a quesadilla night beautiful yes from there you're really in a rebuilding
stage meal yeah yeah kind of an ingredient stage.
If you start the cycle again of taco meat,
but now with ground beef instead of chicken,
you're setting a dangerous precedent
for a mostly tortilla and cheese-based diet.
Right.
Which right now I'm trying to kick because,
and that has nothing to do with the fact
that in our last clip, I'm using my stomach as a table.
Dude!
That has nothing to do with that.
Um...
I'm telling you man, I'm...
Using it as a mic stand.
Yeah.
Not... I didn't realize I was doing that.
And I didn't realize that my stomach would be a featured character in these reels.
And that's not an issue.
You know, it's not a knock on Nick.
It's just, it's us in front of the camera.
And I've gotten fat as fuck too, man.
And also, I was reviewing some footage
from that short film we did a few months ago.
And I realized that I'm eating in pretty much
the whole movie and not like Brad Pitt style. I'm not like Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven. I got a much better realization of my
character after watching the movie. Yeah because in my head it was like you
weren't eating sexy.
This really complex character who was also really charming.
I thought the character was going to be weirdly charming.
And then I like, my lips are chapped the whole movie
because I got two separate sinus infections.
We recorded and I was disgustingly sick and then the only
other time I got sick within those like four months was the next time we shot
stuff so I was just coughing, coughing up fluid the entire film. I was just I
basically played Disgusting Man.
Disgusting man.
Disgusting morose man. Disgusting man.
My name is Thomas Disgustingman.
Do you have any grease or grime laying around
that I could roll around in and slide in between my butt cheeks
and in and around both my balls and inside my belly button?
Do you think movie stars see their own movies
and think they look cool?
I think some probably.
Yeah, I mean, actually, you know what?
I think Tom Hardy talked about it one time,
if I'm not mistaken.
He was talking about, I think he was talking about Bronson.
And he was like, yeah, a couple of those scenes.
You're like, damn, I look hard as hell.
But I would imagine that, you know, I don't know, I'm not an actor, but I would imagine that it's
not... I mean, if you do a cool movie, yeah, I wouldn't imagine that you go back and you watch,
I don't know, like Freddy got fingered and you're like, damn, I look awesome. You know what I mean?
But if you're like, if you're like in a cool movie and you're a cool guy, maybe.
I wonder if you just think about how pissed off you were the whole time you're in a cool movie and you're a cool guy, maybe. I wonder if you just think about how pissed off
you were the whole time you're making it,
and how much you hated it, and how much you hate it.
If you hated the producers or whatever,
and you're like, oh, they fucked this up.
This was a horrible take that they selected.
We were filming all day yesterday,
and I realized I haven't acted in a long time.
And Vlad, my friend from Ukraine,
was filming through broken. I mean, he speaks really good English. But in his thick time and Vlad, my friend from Ukraine, was filming and like through like broken,
I mean he speaks really good English but in his thick Slavic accent he was like,
talk to each other like you know who he is, like you know, like you are friends. And I was like,
talk to JT like I'm, he's my friend? That's what I'm doing. He's like, you're not doing this.
You're talking like at each other, like not for real, like you don't know or you don't like each other you're just saying the
lines and I was like Vlad are you telling me to act better and he was like
no no no but yes maybe okay all right ready action because I had he's been
wanting to do more work he he's trying to get his green he's trying to get his
green card.
Dude, he's cracking me up.
He was like, I have to get the green card,
because I did maybe make a sketch in Ukraine making fun
of the Minister of Security.
And he said personally that if me and my friends
come back to state, then we will be sent to war. I was like, he said that to you?
He said, no, he said it was said about me.
And I know this, I have good intel that this was said about me.
It was just like, I've come to really love the guy.
He's a great dude and he's really talented.
But I'm like, in my mind, I have this real attachment kind of now to working with him
because I'm just like, dude, we can make as many sketches about candy in the inside of my ass as you want
I don't want you going to the front lines of the war, but we're gonna mean you we're gonna make literally $50 together
You but we're gonna make a fucking dreams come true. We're gonna
2,000 people are gonna see this thing that we're making he lit the whole fucking thing like a goddamn sitcom. It was really funny
I would I would like to see more of my friends go to Ukraine that we're making. He lit the whole fucking thing like a goddamn sitcom. It was really funny.
I would like to see more of my friends go to Ukraine.
For what reason?
To fight over there.
Oh, OK.
Because I feel like I hardly see anybody for a while.
All our veterans were going over there to die,
and that was kind of cool.
That was nice.
That was a nice little area.
It was kind of interesting.
You know, all the guys who were selling coffee, you know, they shaved their heads and they,
and they immediately got taken out by, by like sky robots.
Howitzer's and shit.
Yeah.
I love that shit, dude.
I fucking.
There's a bunch of guys who were like streaming on kick.
Yes.
So that was kind of cool. There's a bunch of guys who were like streaming on kick. Yes. Killed them.
So that was kind of cool. That's how you die nowadays.
Like if you get killed in a war, it's like, it's a guy.
There's a guy with a webcam who's
going to try and monetize it.
Yeah.
I mean, I know it's like a hack thing at this point.
Like it's not a novel observation.
But I see more like Looney Tunes, like Yakety Sax, a man and a little and and a little like chase scenes like drone chase scenes
Then I do like the GoPro like gunfight footage. You know what I mean? Like the CQC stuff
I see more of like a dude just sprinting in the woods looking up and looking back every 10 seconds and sprinting and then this fucking
Shitty-ass drone is just like weaving through the trees and it just like lands right on his fucking head and the camera cuts out. That's what I see a lot of. I'm not
gonna I'm not gonna lie I would hate to go out that way. If I'm gonna be in a war
situation I want I want a fucking like I want that shit I want a knife fight. I
don't want to I don't want to have like a $20 like Iron Man drone that some
fucking like heroin addicted Moldovan teenager rigged up to drop a fucking some of a $20 Iron Man drone that some fucking heroin-addicted
Moldovan teenager rigged up to drop some Simtex
on my fat fucking head from 30 feet in the air.
It would just piss me the fuck off.
I mean, I guess I would much rather get blown up
by a Roomba or whatever.
Really?
You'd get like being a war proper? Yeah, because it would be a lot less work that way.
That is a very good point.
I mean, all you got to do is run,
and you know that you're not running fast enough.
Yeah, nowadays, though, if you send Americans out there,
they'd probably say, wait, but first, let me get a selfie.
Yeah, 100% they would definitely say that.
It's like the song that's been going viral lately.
What song is that?
The hashtag let me get a selfie by,
or is hashtag selfie by the chain smokers?
Is that real?
Yeah.
No, it's not.
Have you seen it?
No, I have not seen it.
Google hashtag selfie by the chain smokers.
OK. hashtag selfie by the chain smokers okay I thought that those guys weren't
making music anymore chain smokers do you think it we would get taken on
Spotify if I played it I don't know if enough people listen to this show this
is 11 years ago, Thomas.
This song came out in 2014.
Yeah, well, that's when I listened to it.
Kevin's singing, look at me, while he's with another girl.
Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous?
Because he was totally texting me.
All right, man, I've had about enough of that.
You're saying it's going viral now,
and yet it's an 11-year-old song.
I mean, I guess, you know, certain songs like fucking,
that Deftone song was in every TikTok video.
That song came out like 30 years ago.
Yeah.
If you look in the right places, it's up there.
That's good.
That's good, man.
That's fucking sick.
I like it when a song's getting up there in age.
I like it when a song's getting up there in age. Uh...
I like it when a song's not 22, 23.
Dude, I was listening to the best 19-year-old song last night.
Dude, you should really check out this album.
It's 18 years old. Did you hear he was listening to a song there's
only 25 he's almost 40. That's really weird. Yeah yeah. What was he listening to?
Listening to Sugar Ray every morning isn't that crazy? Oh my god. Dude I was
really I'm really been getting into this band.
They're called The Strokes, but they're only 14 years old.
So I haven't really been talking too much about it.
But they're pretty cool.
I actually just heard a song that's new.
It's zero.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I heard a new song.
It's zero years old.
OK, what song is that?
Happy, happy.
Oh, OK.
Who's it by?
Yeah, it was a song by, it was actually
the first song written through an AI program
by a palindir drone.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
The happy, happy.
And it sings that before it drops.
OK.
Very cool.
I think it's cool that Curtis Yarvin and those guys
are going to take the world over.
That is just a bunch of aggrieved nerds.
Every time I hear the name Curtis Yarvin,
I think he's a hockey player.
Yeah, he's got like a hockey name.
Yeah, it's like hockey or maybe like lacrosse name. It's it's like one of those like all-american. Yeah, you know, it's really his name should be
curdled
milking though because his ideas
Stinky are like yesterday's milk
I love it when you talk to you. Nice idea
I love it when you talk straight to you. Nice idea.
Yeah, it smells like yesterday's milk.
That's how long it's milk goes bad in one day in my house,
because I drink it so slow.
Oh.
Yeah, because I'll leave.
I have to leave it all.
You leave it all?
On my nightstand overnight so I can take little sips,
wake up, and it smells like green stink.
Very awesome.
My brother's pulling a U. I was going to tell you,
he texted me this morning.
He was like pissing blood, and I got poop blood.
And I was like, it was like 12.
And I was like, what are you doing, man?
And I call him.
I was like, where are you at?
And he's like, I'm at the meat factory.
I'm putting pig feet into big ass bags.
And I was like, well, that's what you do every day.
You just text me and say you're pissing blood,
and you've got butt blood.
He was like, yeah, I'm just letting it rot.
And I was like, well, no, man, you
can't be doing that type of stuff.
If you've got pee blood and butt blood,
having one is a problem.
Two is a serious issue.
Has he been eating blood?
No.
Maybe he's been eating the pig's feet.
I'm not 100% sure.
But he packs about 15,000 pounds of pig's feet
into little bags every day in like 20 degrees
in a side of freezer.
And he has to do that job.
Or if he doesn't have that job, then he can't live where he lives.
Do you think that people ever try and sneak out
of the factory with pig's feet in their pockets and stuff
so they probably should have to work naked?
He did tell me that some of the guys, in order to get free meat,
do sneak pig's feet and snouts.
Really specifically the snouts, because no one sells the snout. So sometimes guys
will take the snout. Which I love to... So that is snout is the part of the
pig that they eat? Well they usually scrap it for hot dogs and stuff.
But some guys will pocket a snout or two, I guess, to simmer up. And they cook snout at home?
Yeah.
On the cast iron, I would imagine.
God, that's great.
If you're eating stolen pig snout, God bless you, sir.
I don't tell anybody to kill themselves nowadays, but yeah.
Might want to think it over.
Sometimes it is a better option.
It's not usually the, like, imagine, dude, you're just
like, you're just watching TV with your old lady.
Matlock reruns.
Your dog comes over to throw up or whatever,
and the TV starts crackling or whatever.
You just take a big bite out of a pig's snout.
Sauteed pig's snout?
Well, it's got sugar on it because he has sweet tooth,
but you only have snout to eat.
So you just have sugar snout.
Sugar snout.
Oh my god.
I've been putting syrup on my snout lately. It's actually pretty good.
I had a hankering for a sweet too. I had to go chocolate so I had me some sugar snout.
Baby could you get one of them snouts out of the fridge and put some sugar on it for me? Thank
you honey. Yeah I had to go to rehab for two six months. I was out. I was at a work with the sugar snout
Yeah, I did so much cocaine in the Navy they call me all sugar snout I
also ate
Pig snouts I stole from the meat locker
covered in syrup
I'd get a big hogs nose and carve it out like a flesh line and fuck the shit out of it.
Fuck the hell out of that pig's nose.
Or I'd use two nostrils. Boink, boink, boink.
Perfectly, perfectly penis-sized.
Isn't it weird guys, to do an example, isn't it weird how a pig only has two human penis-sized holes and neither of them are the pussy.
They're both the nose.
All my laughs are just angry. Boo! Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
That one starts off, I don't like that sound effect, it starts off a little too b- for me.
A little too b-
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
If anybody booted me like that, I'd up to Tully on the whole crowd.
Fuck, boo!
Goofy whenever he's at the cat movie.
Oh yeah.
There's no, there are no cats in the Mickey Mouse universe,
right?
What's Shrek?
Is that DreamWorks?
Shrek is DreamWorks.
OK.
It is.
No, what now?
The Mickey Mouse universe is not that broad.
We are Siamese, if you please.
The fucking.
No, that's not the Mickey Mouse universe.
That's extended Disney.
I mean.
Just Mickey Mouse.
Mickey does not know any cats, does he?
But that's probably because he's a mouse.
Mice are afraid of cats.
Is there a cat and Mickey Mouse is
Cat and Mickey Mouse
Hey, this is yes. There is a cat. Oh, it's fucking Pete
That big son of a bitch that fucks his plans all up and fucks his shit up, and he's a real piece of shit
It says arched nemesis. How the fuck did I I'm sure there are some Disney heads in here that were like guys. It's his arch nemesis. How the fuck did I? I'm sure there are some Disney heads in here that were like, guys, it's Pete. Pluto's a dog. Pete, also known as Pegleg Pete, is Mickey Mouse's
arch nemesis. Not only is there a cat. Pete was a dog. No, Pete's a goddamn cat.
Pete. I've never seen a cat that looked like that in my entire life. Yeah, I'm with you. Me neither.
He looks like a fucking... I thought Pete was a dog too.
He's a fat ass yoked cat.
He's like a fat swole cat with buck teeth.
Fucking kill yourself.
Walt Disney.
Walt Disney created the, OK.
I got the answer to my question.
Anyway, no, I didn't know that.
I don't really follow that shit too much.
Was Disney allowed in your house, or was it a band due
to Satanism or something?
No, we watched Looney Tunes a lot, a lot of Tom and Jerry.
Yeah, there was some Princess movies I think we had. Maybe we didn't, I don't know.
I remember, yeah, Tangled was nice. Tangled was nice when I got a little older.
Yeah.
That was a cool movie.
Nice.
Even for boys. Yeah, I guess I was a boy and I watched Tangled. Maybe I was a little bit different.
Me and my mom would watch The Mouseketeers and Huckleberry
Finn, the one with what's that motherfucker's name
in Wilford, Elijah Wood.
And then I'd go to my dad's place and we would.
Huckleberry Finn?
Yeah.
Is that a cartoon?
No, they turned it into a movie with Elijah Wood
when he was a real young and he was a kid. They turned it into a movie with Elijah Wood when he was a real young and he's a kid
They turned it into a movie like an out live-action movie. I would love to actually put him in a movie
Yeah, I think he's so good and Wilfred. Yeah, I think he would be great as a movie actor, too
Yeah, I agree with you for sure. I'm 100% with you on that
Elijah would film wants you.
Come my way.
Maybe he could be in my new stoner short film
that I'm working on writing that so far is
one of the least interesting things I've ever attempted.
You ever start a project, like you ever start a script
because you're like, hey, even if it's bad, I got a good one. You ever start a project? Like, you ever start a script because you're like, hey,
even if it's bad, I got to finish something.
And then it's literally so bad that it's, like,
worse than something you would have come up with as a kid?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's every time I have an idea.
Not every time.
About a third of the time I have an idea
and I really think it's awesome.
Everybody I tell pretends to be excited.
I'm like, well, they actually do get excited
when I have a good idea, so that's not great.
And then I try.
I'm like, you know what?
Well, I'm not explaining right.
Let me actually do this.
And then it sucks ass.
Yeah.
I've done that a lot with scripts.
The sketch that I did that I've been doing,
while we were filming it, I was like,
this isn't nearly as funny as I thought
it was when I was reading it.
Maybe it's just because the jokes weren't playing,
because we were kind of in a rush,
and we still have more to film.
No, I have a lot of duds.
I have a lot of stinkers.
And I haven't really been writing lately,
because I've been just having a fucking dope ass time.
I'll sit down and write a script,
and then it'll be like, the man rode the truck into the woods.
And I'm like, all right, well, that's about it.
I guess I'll look at my phone for 10 fucking hours.
And yeah, I like to do character outlines,
and then I'll just imagine one guy.
And I try to think of a second guy,
and I go, all right, well, that's enough for today.
Think of a second guy next time.
Yeah, think of a second guy.
Build the story around two guys.
That's all that's ever in anything that ever really
matters.
Two guys, why not at least, yeah.
My new movie is going to have 100 women in it.
What's the movie called?
And they're all going to be the lead.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It's going to be The 100 Ladies.
Ooh, wow.
Harry Potter and the 100 Ladies is
going to be a new Harry Potter book I've been working on.
OK.
Where one lady has his wand.
Oh, no.
And he has to find it to get his magic back.
So he must go to the ball and court each woman and talk to them
and see which one of them has his wand so he can get his magic wand back. OK.
And do magic with it.
So the movie is Daniel Radcliffe
talking to 100 women.
One by one.
Yeah, he's in a ball the entire time.
There's amazing music.
OK.
Something like this. Yes, that's exactly right.
When you say it's not wrong, you're not saying it's wrong.
I ain't one.
When you say it's not wrong,
you're not saying it's wrong. I ain't one. We say goodbye, there's no way back, there's no way back
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, bitch, that's my cookie. That's my juice, okay?
Yes, sir. That's not,. It's my juice. Okay. Yes, sir
It's not this. Yeah, that's that's correct. I had a bit of an ariana moment today. Oh you reacted black
No, I
Finally I finally I'm I'm now
Overweight oh swag, okay no longer obese. Oh, swag. OK.
No longer obese.
Oh, nice.
You got getting skinny.
I'm getting snatched, as they say.
I'm getting snatched.
They said that I would never be.
They said I would never be only 210 pounds. Hahaha! Down to 210 pounds.
From what?
Um, I only had one lunch today.
Oh, I mean, from, what was your starting weight?
Uh, like around, like nine and a half pounds.
About what? About nine and a half pounds? Am I what?
About 9 and 1 half pounds?
Oh, no, no.
That's just, dude, 10 pounds is 10 pounds.
That's no.
I was kidding, because that's how much I weighed when I was born.
Oh.
No, like I think I was like close to 220 if you want to say.
No, OK, nice.
Yeah, I'm getting fat.
I haven't really been doing it.
I've still been eating a lot of peanut butter and a lot of peanut
butter in general, a lot of honey.
I have a lot of milk as well.
The Yogi Bear diet.
I've been trying to cut back on milk, dude,
and I seriously do eat a lot of bears.
The fucking bear diet, dude.
I love fruit.
I don't even eat that much meat anymore.
I think that's the problem is I'm not.
This is fucking blackberry.
I was like, I think I'm getting fat from eating too much
protein.
So I started eating cereal.
I mean, I'll get the healthy cereal,
and then I'll just eat the whole box.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
Dude, I'll buy the low calorie protein bars.
They're like 60, 70 calories.
And they're like 30 grams of protein or something.
There's like crazy macros on it.
And then I'll eat like three in a day.
And he actually was like, what happened to all these?
These are our breakfast bars.
And I'm like, I have been doing this awesome thing where
I don't want to feed myself.
I don't want to cook.
I don't even want to brush my own teeth.
So what I'll do is I'll eat like the bars.
And then I'll walk over to the gas station
and I'll get a bag of chips and all that other type of shit.
And then I'll drink a bunch of fucking soda.
Whoever is the person that said I look fat on the video
episode, I wanted to let you know
that you are the guy who kickstarted a two day gym
thing for me.
And then I immediately went back to not doing that
and to engaging in lower order pleasures once more.
Because they are so much better.
Oh my god, they're so good.
Dude, you have no idea.
I've been looking at my screen time is like 19 hours.
It's awesome.
If I'm not working, I'm looking at that thing.
I'm looking at my phone from about 5 PM,
and I'm not going outside, and I'm looking at that thing. I'm looking at my phone from about 5 p.m. and I'm not going outside and I'm not really doing anything. I'm looking at my phone, Tom, from like from like
maybe 7 in the morning till 9 in the morning and then from 5 p.m. to like 4 in the morning.
Just fucking straight scrolling. Dude, let me tell you, after about hour eight, your mind completely
turns off. You're not even really bringing any new information in anymore.
It's just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, car crash, knockout,
old Chevy, gun, you know what I mean?
House fire, war footage.
I got a text from a friend a couple of days ago,
and it snapped me out of watching a guy get eaten by a bear on Instagram.
Damn, that's crazy.
I feel like Instagram has been fucking the game up lately,
dude.
They're like the rules or whatever don't matter,
terms and conditions.
Yeah.
I don't know why I thought you meant to say reals.
You said rules or whatever they were called.
And I went to say, oh, reels.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Been watching a lot of rules.
Yeah, I feel like all the rules of life are being broken now.
We are just a broken society.
And I go, do you mean reels?
The reels of what?
Instagram reels?
Those are really good.
12 reels for turning your life around.
Reel one, here's a video of a man making a bed.
Reel two.
Here's a man providing for his family.
Reel three.
I actually don't even know what the other rules are.
What the other reels are, actually.
No idea.
Reel four.
This is an engagement ring that your girlfriend would love,
but that you will never be able to afford.
Real five. Here's a child burning alive.
Real six.
Here's a child.
Real seven.
Here is a is a used car that it costs exactly as much money as you owe said.
Girlfriend.
Real eight here's a vacation that you'd like to go on that you can't afford anymore
And the reason you can't afford it is because of real seven which was the car that you purchased
Real nine your co-worker got married to her abusive exes
got married to her abusive exes. Real 10. One of your best friends from high school married the girl that slashed all of his tires. Real 11. Real 11. Remember that guy from from high school who
joined the army? Well he loves trans porn Stars now and he's following this one.
Dude.
Made me think that was that was so specific it made me think of a guy who is a very close friend
of mine who is literally he's literally that guy. I don't I don't know. I'm not even singling out a guy here. Guys who were in specifically the Army
yeah love to just follow like porn stars. Yeah. I mean I think they had a locket with the porn star
in it when they went to Afghanistan.
100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But really more specifically, I guess I mean young guys.
Guys our age who did not do, you know?
Well, dude, you've got to think during World War II,
they would spray paint a hot lady on the back of an airplane.
And that was it.
And now you're in the barracks, and you're just, like, gooning.
I mean, you're just absolutely.
That's got to be nice, just cranking it out.
Right next to another guy.
Right next to a bunch of other 19-year-old guys.
My god, my own.
Who thought that joining the Army
would give them a good credit score or something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have to join the Air Force because otherwise I'm
not going to have as much luck whenever I become a doctor.
I joined the Naval Reserves, but it's just
so I could become an engineer.
Again, there's always some disconnect there.
It's like this doesn't, nobody, you were, all the good movie theater managers, you know,
people who were supposed to put on some fine shows at AMC. Yeah. They ended up joining the military and now, you know, we have all these slack jawed losers running the shows of what's actually important, which
is delicious buttered popcorn. I would rather my son work at a movie theater for his entire
life than become a police officer for six months. Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I'm one of my biggest.
Unless he was a funny, silly police officer who played
pick up blast, pick up blast, black skip ball.
I did not say black skip ball.
We're going to go play some pick up black skip ball.
Yes, sir.
That is not what I wanted to say.
Yeah, that's what we're talking about.
I was going to say pick up basketball with black children.
Ha ha ha.
Understood, man.
You've got to explain yourself to me.
All the videos, I remember summer 2020.
Oh, the great summer.
Some of you guys on Instagram were reposting videos
of a white police officer kneeling on a basketball court like he
was submitting to the basketball gods. Yeah. You know, hey I'm gonna take my gun
off and let's just play one-on-one. Who the fuck goes to a basketball court
with a gun other than fucking Gilbert arenas I. Hey, I know that I brought this here mostly to kill kids.
And that's all it's going to ever done.
But for right now, I'm going to kill you in basketball.
Yep.
I'm going to kill you and cover it up in basketball
instead of across the street from where you went
to elementary school.
The summer of the riots, that was a, yeah.
I remember people would be like, can't we all just get along?
And it would be like, oh, these cops joined hands.
The fattest, baldest New York cops shooting the shittiest
free throw of all time.
And the song that's playing is like fucking, you know,
fight the power.
You got to fight the powers that be.
And the caption's like, it's crazy times out right now.
Courthouse is burning.
It's important we all stand together or whatever.
And it's like, no, I don't think so.
Plus, like you said, how many NYPD cops
are taking time out of looking at Candy Crush on their phone
and killing homeless people to play a full game of pickup
basketball?
A full game of pickup basketball takes time.
It takes a lot.
Actually, you know what?
You can just clock that shit to OT.
I know that's what NYPD is doing.
If they're playing basketball with black teenagers
when they're not shooting at them or whatever the fuck,
they're just clocking overtime shooting 3s on nine-year-olds.
I'd probably do the same.
I'm going to move to New York, and I'm going to join the NYPD.
They make great money, dude.
They make really good money. They make OK money starting out. You have to work there a move to New York, and I'm going to join the NYPD. They make great money, dude. They make really good money.
They make OK money starting out.
You have to work there a while to make like, maybe they
make good overtime and stuff.
But the base salary is like, I think
they start at like $55,000 or something like that.
What?
I thought it was way more than that, brother.
They started that.
You have to work your way up.
NYPD base salary, brother. I'm going to say seven.
It'll probably give you an average.
I think after a few years, you make a lot more.
$60, fucking $1,000.
After three years of service, into $85,000.
And then after five years, it increases from then,
depending on what you get into.
Jesus fucking Christ.
That's what I'm saying.
It's not like it's good money, but it's not like, um.
Dude, you can make $130,000 a year
being a fucking cop in New York City.
Yeah, but you can, what I'm saying, Jake,
is you can make that in DFW also.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I know that a lot of those North Texas cops make like crazy money.
Yeah, like, uh,
That's true.
You go to Willow Park, they're making that.
And they live in a house that they pay $200,000.
Yeah, very good point.
Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Here, here, you know, they're getting their breakfast
the ocky way, now it's $25.
Yeah, yeah.
God damn.
Dude, I saw a billboard in Austin that was like,
come to Spokane, Washington and work for the Sheriff's Department,
$15,000 sign-off bonus.
And I was like, what?
I would fucking, would I be a cop for $15,000?
There's probably stipulations.
For $15,000.
Yeah.
Well, you're asking, I mean, is that not a lot of money?
The answer for me is yes.
I mean, I'm just saying that's good money.
Like for $15,000.
I mean, I wouldn't do a good job for $15,000.
No, no, of course not.
But would I look at my phone?
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, I guess my thing is like.
No, I don't think. I think I would feel too weird about it, honestly.
One of my friends from high school,
well, I guess we weren't friends.
We had mutual.
Even though $15,000 would change my life.
Which, yeah, it would solve a lot of my fucking problems
right now.
The one of my friends tried to be a cop,
and he got to the point where they asked about his past drug
use or whatever and
This was in a suburb of Houston like a nice one. He's like, oh, yeah, you know in high school he's just more crack and stuff and
They like told him to fuck himself and then he went and like two counties over
Towards Galveston and he told him the same thing and they're like, that's fine. And then they just hired
He's a cop in Galveston and he was trying to work in a nice suburb so he
could make a little bit more money.
But he's a cop now in Galveston.
And this was like four or five years ago
when I was talking about this.
He was like, yeah, they wouldn't let me be a cop in Deer Park
because I smoked crack in high school.
Remember how we used to smoke crack?
And I was like, I never smoked crack with you.
I mostly just did Vicodin.
But yes, I remember they used to smoke a lot of crack
and then jump off the half pipe at the skate park.
He's like, yeah, I told a cop that I used to smoke crack.
And he said, you can't be a police officer in Deer Park,
man.
I got pissed about that.
So I fucking drove 45 minutes over to Galveston the same day.
I applied.
Two weeks later, I got my interview.
And they asked me the same question.
Is there any past drug use, sir?
I said, yeah, I used to smoke a lot of crack.
And they were like, well, it's not ideal,
but I'd like to cut your jib.
So welcome to the force. Which like, I mean, I don't think smoking crack should keep you from
being a cop, especially in Galveston. You know what I mean? Everybody in Galveston smokes rock.
If you're in Galveston longer than six months, you smoke rock. Everybody that I know that lives
there smokes cocaine. And that's not even me being like all of my friends that moved to Galveston
proper, not Clear Lake, not Clear Creek, not La Porte, not Bay Area,
not Baytown.
Galveston, they all smoke cocaine.
It's just, or meth.
It's all out there.
You know what I mean?
You got the beautiful.
It probably helps you with the surf.
Yeah, I was about to say, you have the beautiful, beautiful
Galveston Sea Wall, what with its exposed rebar syringes dog bird and human shit
you've got the crisp warm sparkling shit brown ocean frothing and foaming the
sounds of the waves hitting huge piles of horse shit and car parts and kelp that
smells like fucking raw sewage that sticks to your body and gives you a burning rash.
You're looking out over that in your beautiful studio
apartment that's on fire, and you think, god damn.
You know what sounds great?
Smoking cocaine off of a Diet Shasta can.
And then you do that, and it's not a bad life.
Before my dad died tragically, he was into that shit.
He moved to Galveston.
He's like, dude, if I'm going to smoke this rock,
I'm going to smoke it at the beach.
I could go for something like that.
I'm going to plug my laptop in real quick.
I'll be back in 10 seconds.
That's OK.
Spooky, spooky ass raps.
Hey, they call me fucking Dr. Spook, ah that's bad, that's not good
Dr. Spook in the building, ooga booga, green ghost
Dr. Spook in the building, ooga booga, burnt toast
Dr. Spook in the building. Ooga booga. Green Ghost, Dr. Spoon in the building.
Ooga booga.
Little Ghost.
All right, anyway, if you guys are listening to this,
that means that you listen to the show frequently.
And you should continue to do so.
And you should come to the stand-up shows.
And this isn't the end of the episode,
but I'm just plugging that.
Hey, what up, Thomas?
Hey, sorry about that.
You're all right.
While you were gone, I was rapping under the name
Dr. Spook.
Oh, great.
Yeah, and I didn't.
It's fine.
I pressed one of the randomized beats,
and it was the R.L. Stein sounding beat
that you uploaded like nine of them for some reason.
And I was like, oh, what's a good spooky rap name?
Dr. Spook.
Kind of a whiff there, but you know.
It happens to me every day.
Oh, that?
You want to give it another shot?
No, no, no, no, no.
I really beefed it on that one.
You beefed it?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
How about I pick a worse rap name
than everybody forgets about yours?
OK, yeah, that sounds good.
Here. Okay, yeah, that sounds good. Uh, here. Yo, this is your boy.
Ketchup, man.
Is it?
Mustard.
That's my rap name.
That's not that bad.
This really makes it taste like a disgusting mess.
Yo.
Oh, I was gonna rap as that. It's like a disgusting mess. Yo.
Oh, I was gonna rap as that. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. We can try again.
Just give me a different... Give me a different...
Yeah, okay.
I love this one, dude.
I love this fucking beat, dude.
I love this one dude, I love this fucking thing dude
This super duper catcher of extra-curious
And I'm creating place And I'm changing the place
I'm creating a special mixture of extra-curious
I'm creating a special mix of extra-curious
I'm creating a special mix of extra-curious And I'm creating a fresh mix of extra-curious I am especially obsessed with cheese I am especially obsessed with picture and
I'm really obsessed with
disgusting songs
I am disgusted
with songs my friends
My name is Charles Disgusted Songs
I am a
bookseller
and I'm not a
I usually make sure I'm the only one
in bed until I get more disgusted with I used to make sure I'm yellow, white, and red
To make a fresh mix
Suckers and braids, and put a foodie too
I saw a man, he thought of a man, he's got a man
He must do, he made it off, make sure
To keep your hair down, less to be afraid
Less to dance about
And he makes you the same spy
He makes you the same spy He makes you the, Bills, but the sauce, smokey, and the fire.
So bright, and they keep coming to me.
So I'm loud, and I'm getting the kids.
So I'm loud, and I'm getting the kids.
I muster, muster, mayonnaise, and I'm ready.
I'm a nature, I'm a nature, I'm ready.
I'm a nature, I'm a nature, I'm ready, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, I love the purpose of it, Dave.
Basic cane sauce, I think.
Ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise.
I'm the creator of ketchup and mayonnaise.
Oppenheimer, if he was like mentally disabled,
he's like, I have figured out something
that will stop the war.
Oppenheimer, how?
We got to get it before the Germans.
Do not worry.
I have it.
It's a very special tool.
It's disgusting.
It will stop the enemy in its twacks.
He just pulls out a big
tub of orange goo oh my god is that some sort of napalm type substance no it's
ketchup mustard and mayonnaise with a little bit of pickle relish and some
paprika it's so disgusting I made a horrible sauce. The sauce is made of tomato, lettuce, bread, and bacon.
Now I've become sandwich.
The maker of sauce.
Now I've become Samuel.
What?
My name is Ache.
Now I've become Samuel, destroyer of sandwich.
I thought your name was Oppenheimer.
No.
Yeah, I become Samuel.
I killed Oppenheimer on the way in here.
I squeezed his head super hard.
You've done a horrible thing.
President Harry S. Truman asked me to blow up a balloon
into a size of an animal.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I performed my duties, not knowing that it would be a scary end.
I did know I was making a bail.
I thought I was making a dog, but the body was far too large.
He's talking to Einstein in front of the lake at the end of the movie.
Remember when you told me if I make a balloon so big,
it might even fill up a whole womb?
Yeah.
I feel I've already done it.
One thing I'm kind of worried about
is that the balloon is wet, or the bell is not wet,
so it could be a piece of fire with legs.
Oppenheimer, I don't think you made a piece of fire
with legs, man. I think you maybe just made a big red bear, which is great, but we really need to get
this bomb going because we think the Krauts are getting it together.
So we got to beat them to it.
You know what I mean?
Hoorah, soldiers.
So maybe put away that orange paste and that red bear balloon and let's get to cracking
on this bomb.
At least the top brass told me you were a brainiac type. Maybe put away that orange paste and that red bear balloon and let's get to cracking on this bomb.
At least the top brass told me you were a brainiac type.
Whipsmart, you know?
So.
Yeah, top brass.
Top brass.
We need a top brass on this.
He's drooling.
He's filling his little fedora up with the paste.
A top-lash, huh?
FDR.
The eye-wind of Japan is a mysterious place.
With many dangerous animals.
Filled with Samoyais.
With many dangerous animals.
Four of his fireside chats.
He's just got a fucking bike helmet on.
They're announcing the bombing of Hiroshima.
Japan is a very interesting place.
Filled with crazy people and amazing animals.
Welcome to the Fireside Chats.
My name is Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Tonight we bombed the mysterious island known as Japan.
Known for its sushi as well as its amazing friendly people, the Hiroshima is never bombed
by the United States of America. Owned by me, the president.
We did this in order to end the terrible war that's been going on between us and Japanese.
We have hope that this has killed all the people of Japan, creating a deadly bomb, creating
a deadly weapon, creating a deadly explosion that, as far as we know, has hurt no animals and has affected none of the food
in Japan.
Mr. President, I've just gotten word that they've bombed Hiroshima.
Casualties are approaching 150,000 and the Nagasaki bomb is set to be dropped soon.
What do you wish to tell the American people. The two American people have no gotten word
that America has dropped a bomb on Hiroshima, as well as Japan,
and as well as Jojo Siwa, Nabasapi.
No, I'm sleepy.
These three countries have been destroyed by the United States, creating an ultimate explosion.
They killed many animals.
They killed many animals and created probably many deadly saucers.
I have become Samuel.
Samuel has not been hurt.
My friend Samuel that I went to high school with is probably
okay. He's from Delaware. He is a mechanic. He's addicted to alcohol and he lives in Delaware.
He is addicted to alcohol and he is not addicted to his wife. He's very much not addicted to his wife whatsoever. He's repelled by his wife.
The opposite.
You have a horrible, tormented relationship.
I've just gotten word that Hitwer has been captured
by the Soviets.
I have now received special news from my wife.
She is my ugly cousin and a huge, ugly bitch.
I have just now gotten word that my wife is retarded.
My fellow Americans. And they were, and they were lesbian. Okay. My fellow Americans. My fellow was being so I was talking to my wife. She's a bitch. Her legs work fine.
My favorite Americans, I've just been informed that I am poor.
I've just been helping for quite some time.
I got the mysterious disease known as this is my first time
trying to get up. realizes his legs have been gone
for quite some time.
These wheels I've grown accustomed to have become a serious quench for me.
I've come to a land I'm heavily.
I think I'll just stand up.
Okay, here we go.
Hmm, wait a minute.
Wait, maybe I could do this sitting down.
Perfect.
Okay, very good.
My legs are fine.
My legs are fine.
I'm very sepie.
I've become sepie.
The man who goes to sep. My fellow I've become sepie, the man who goes to seep.
My fellow Americans, I've now worn the blanket.
There's a pair of wags that follow me.
Perhaps two set of washing spines.
Very withered wags.
My wags are so sepie.
These dang wags, sir, they want to hear about the bomb,
not about your legs.
I want to hear about the bomb as well.
I'm very curious about this whole project,
and I am excited to.
I'm excited.
Overall, I'm very excited for what
I think this will bring for our relationship
to hopefully grow the relationship between Japan and Hiroshima.
Mm.
Mm.
Question for you, newsman.
Normally, I ask them, but okay.
Do you think Japan will be mad at us for what we did with both bombs?
I'm...
What?
Mr. President? I'm what?
Mr. President
Mr. President I I'm good. Mr. President was my father
Tell me come on
Come on, Samuel. Come on Samuel. Frank. Oh, don't come on Samuel the
Injured Delicious two legs.
Franklin Delicious roasted beef.
Fall asleep in the chair.
Franklin Delicious roasted beef.
Franklin Delicious roasted beef here, your president at your service.
It's kind of a great new deal and it's where I can get 11 hot dogs for $1.
Those communists are sure to know how to make a hot dog.
Joseph Stalin, please, take this offering of 11 hot dogs as peace between the US and
the Soviets.
Unfortunately, the great repression has happened.
It's happening.
It sucks.
It's happening right now.
It's very, very, very bad.
I'm taking it for Herbert Hoover.
He was the president. And a fun fact, he was the president before me.
That was a fun fact.
I'm not a president.
I'm not a fake one at all.
I'm not a king of the United States.
I'm me.
I've decided to destroy the United States.
I've decided to destroy the United States.
My next bomb that I would drop, which would be a big, wet bear, will be right on Washington, DC.
I've decided now to drop the biggest bomb in my presidency.
Dropping it right on the White House.
And now I remember that I had nothing Because it's dropping it right on the White House.
And now I remember that it had nothing
to do with Franklin Delano Roosevelt was dead when bombs
were dropped.
Franklin Delicious Roosevelt's beef was as heavy as Truman
because Franklin Delano Roosevelt had died.
It passed away from a great, terrible headache.
Oh, Franklin and his headaches.
Oh, yes.
Harry Truman, welcome to the job.
It's time for you to destroy the entire world.
Thankfully, this plan was made from a guy
who died from a headache.
You have to do the Korean War.
But that's the next war that we have to do.
I would love to plant a destruction of the world
and then die from a headache.
I had too many sandwiches.
God, I had too many sandwiches.
My regs don't work.
I start putting sandwiches where my reg meat goes,
and all the blood start coming out.
Putting sandwiches where my wegmeat goes and I'll blood start coming out.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news.
I got a bad case of eating food.
Franklin, Franklin, Delano Roosevelt, the president.
Yeah, yeah.
Harry, Harry, is true.
Man was the president too.
Yeah.
There we go.
Barack, Barack Obama man, black president with a plan.
Yep, not wrong, not wrong.
And that plan was to start a podcast with Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruce Springsteen is do podcast with Barack O'Gonga.
The best podcast.
Bruce, ladies and gentlemen, best rocker
of all the United States, Bruce Springsteen,
and former president Barack O'Gonga
has made the best new American podcast,
Red, White, and Blue, Screaming Eagle,
Fireworks for Two.
Hit him with it, Bruce Brings Bean.
Well, I was out on a pound and you tell your partner,
you're taking your piece and getting your rice
and getting some on roast dance and the cherry juice
and drink it, sweet delight.
Very good.
Food, food, food.
Very good.
Bruce Spring, Bruce String, String Spane.
Very good.
Barack Agonga here.
And, uh, Barack O'Gonga.
When people sit here and they try and verbally assault,
it feels like an actually great pressure.
Yeah.
They tell us that Barack Muguwabanga
was born in another country.
Do you know what this man did for the Chicago basketball scene?
The Chicago Bulls.
He made the basketball bigger.
They should also, their minor team should be the Chicago Cucks.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
That'd be nice.
I played for the Nice Cubs.
Do you think I could play minor league baseball?
I think you could have played minor league baseball
if you had been really putting your best foot forward.
I think AAA could have been in the cards for you.
But me?
No, no, no, no.
Well, also me, at any point, I don't
think it was going to work out with that.
I was pretty good first base in pony league.
But really, all you got to do to be first base
is to be fat, kind of violent.
Yeah, I was never.
I played some in high school.
I was never good.
But I can be a piece knowing that.
Yeah, I was never really good at team sports.
Never particularly good at them.
That's OK.
But that's all right.
Yeah, that's fine.
I guess I have to go to HEB.
I have to go get groceries.
So ladies and gentlemen.
I have to eat my toasted beefs.
Beefs.
Thank you guys for listening.
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If you're in Los Angeles this weekend, Bad Ladder,
two shows Saturday the 7th, Sunday the 8th,
I will be there with Ben Avery and the Lemon Party boys
doing shows June 22nd in San Diego, July 23rd and 24th,
Seattle and Portland respectively.
Get tickets at lemonparty.life.
Buy those fucking tickets now.
That's it.
This Saturday, June 7th, come see me at Union Hall
with Grace Freud.
Thank you.
Bye, everybody.