Pendejo Time - friends in guy places

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

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Goodness gracious great ball of grace balls of fire that shit fucking Goodness gracious great, but dude is that Jerry Lee Lewis fuck? Yeah, that's fucking god bless him man man family friend Went to daycare with his wife Yeah, I beautiful singing voice Guitar back and I loved every rock and roll guy when he died was like fuck i loved that dude yeah and like hiding from the public for like 50 years yeah he there there was if you weren't like frank sinatra back then if you weren't a crooner from

like new york you were like all you had to do was be like a guy from georgia that was like me and mary lou went down to the zoo and i showed her the tigers and hens and then two weeks later we got married even though she was only 10 and then people were like god that guy can man he loves him some jesus like he can just get after it and they were just yeah like full-blown pedophiles but it didn't they're they're like, oh, yeah, I mean, I guess it's all right. You know, it's, where's he from, Alabama? I mean, you know, they're doing all sorts of wacky shit down there. Yeah, he got away with, like, I mean, I guess the most recent guy to get away with that was, like, Carl Malone, kind of.

Yeah, yeah. He got that 12-year-old pregnant in, like, pregnant in like 2000 or something that's so wild dude so fucked up jesus christ did you read about that no i didn't i did not um yeah like her family was like oh it's fine no like they they went to court and had a paternity test, and he was the father. Oh, my God. Yeah. And you know where he is now?

He just fucking lives in a big mansion, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's like him and Jimmy Savile. Like, nothing really happened to Savile. Well, I mean, Savile was putting up. What Carl Malone did in the NBA Jimmy Saville did that on the streets of London but I honestly Carl was putting up

rookie numbers in terms of pedophilia he only yeah but he did he got the girl pregnant which is insane yeah you're yeah you're batting 1,000 technically. Well, I guess it's foolish to think that's the one time. Yeah, the one time that he did bat was the one bat. But, like, dude, I mean, especially in, like, the late 90s, early 2000s. Yeah. Like, that was a tough era of NBA basketball. Yeah. Like, the Allen Ivers era of NBA basketball. Yeah.

Like, the Allen Iverson years and shit, they didn't play around. Can you imagine fucking finding out that you're about to play against a guy who has a 12-year-old baby mama? I'd foul out two minutes into the game. I'd foul out two minutes into the game. Like, you know, you do small talk sometimes, you know? Like, when a young guy is guarding LeBron, he's like, oh, what's up, you know? You used to play with my dad, you know?

Yeah, man, you know, you just got to fucking put everything into this game. It'll pay back. You're guarding fucking, first of all, he's going to score on on you a lot and you're not grabbing rebounds for this guy yeah his girlfriend is in a fucking booster seat courtside it sucks when they're really good it's like if it happens if it happens to like a bench guy you're like get the fuck out of here but but when it happens to a guy bench guy, you're like, get the fuck out of here. But, but when it happens to a guy with, that's just good at his craft, you're like, oh man, that's, that's the tough stuff right there. It's the same, like people I hate and it hasn't happened so much recently, but when people like shortly after people lying, they were like, yeah, R Kelly, honestly, I don't know

why he's not even that good. Like I heard this like every now and now and then people would bring it up, and at a bar or a party or something, they're like, yeah, you know, always a piece of shit, and his music sucks. I'm glad he's gone. I was like, look, man, that guy is a real piece of shit. But let's not fucking sit here and lie through our goddamn teeth. You're telling me R. Kelly is dog shit.

He made dog shit music. We don't even have to talk about Remix to Ignition. R. Kelly is dog shit. He made dog shit music. We don't even have to talk about Remix to Ignition. It's banger central for Mr. Kelly. Was he running a fucking daycare for grooming? Probably. It definitely seems that way. But also, I mean, you can't... Do you have your passports?

The motherfucker knew what he was doing. Like, he was on the shit. What are you looking up? Yeah, well, that is tough. But imagine being one of the six other kids that Carl Malone has. Yeah, that's got to be, well, your mom is, like, younger than your sister you know what i mean i wonder if that was the first kid he'd had because imagine if you're if you were older than your stepmom yeah oh i guess he never married the girl yeah but like you're you're older than yeah you're

older than your stepmom or like your sister yeah fuck you know like you're i don't know that that's one of those like it's like when you start to babysit your mom when you start thinking too much about inbred shit and you're like nah that's his uncle's dad's brother's the only reason he got away with that is because he was playing in utah in my opinion you can't pull that shit in la and get away with it anymore i mean you could do a lot in la depending on who depending on who you know. Yeah, but, dude, I mean, like on the Lakers? No.

You play for the Lakers, dude? No, you gotta keep that shit above board. Well, I mean, I guess Magic Johnson was up to some heinous shit back in his day. Not like getting kids pregnant, but... I think he was just getting so much pussy that he got sick. Dude, he fucking...

He developed an allergy to pussy. That's why he lived. He didn't even get AIDS. He just... It's like when you... It's like when you drink too much and your face gets all red and puffy. That happened to his whole body

just from so much pussy juice. I didn't know... I don't follow basketball enough to really know that much. But a buddy was telling me or informing me, and this seems trite and like this seems like just an obvious thing. Right. But I didn't know was telling me that, like, obviously they have lots of lawyers for money and stuff. But there are teams of lawyers dedicated to, like, each NBA team just for hush money for baby mamas.

Those guys get out there when they're playing, and they just suck and fuck their way through the lower 48, dude. And they knock up women with somewhat regularity. And the first thing that happens when those double lines show up is a lawyer calls them, and they're like, Hey, you'll get your chunk. Just shut the fuck like and i thought i was like oh this happens maybe to one team every few years no it's like every team and all of them like they like they just you know like that doesn't matter like where they're from like you know it's not like every guy is doing this lots of guys are married men but there's

like one guy per team that's like, yeah, I get to lawyer. You know, I got like a couple kids in Arkansas and like a couple and you know what I'm saying? Which that's a cool industry to be in, like hush money, but not for like cool stuff. Just like, hey, I know you went to the Clippers game and now you have a baby in you. and now you have a baby in you but if you can shut podcasting is the opposite because as a as an industry it's just the weakest sperm in the world yeah yeah yeah it's just guys like just slapping a soft dick against women all around the country and nothing ever comes of it what nobody is ever nobody ever has a baby on the way or is getting yeah that's true as far as we know i mean as far as we know but dude i could imagine if we had like a hush money team but it

was for like you know that would be awesome like like you're able to, like, what money could you, you know, calling the girl and going, hey, this is Martin, a lawyer for, you know, the Poop Boys podcast. We have a lawyer on retainer in case we get one of our own girlfriends. He's like, what do you want me to do? you want to raise it i don't know i i thought you just needed a lawyer i guess yeah i figured we would just do shows in arlington until we were both 70 i don't know i was just like what could like monetarily like we can offer you like so we ran the numbers we crunched them up. You know, child care, food, school, school supplies, tuition. We're able to offer you $146. And if you can keep this thing quiet for 18 years, that'd be great.

The kid can contact them. I don't think either one of these hosts will be alive by then. You can take that gamble, you know, if you'd like. I'm looking up the most expensive child support payments in the world. What an awesome thing to Google. Because I think Blake Griffin

used to pay 50 grand a month. That is absurd, dude. God damn. Man, that is nuts. And to think there are women out here that are trying to get knocked up by, like, pipe fitters. Like, man, you got to shoot for the stars, baby. You got to go to.

You know what I'm saying? You know who the winner is? Who? Oye. Kanye? You know how much he's paying in child support? How much? 200K a month.

To Kim? Mm-hmm. That rock You know that's the last bit of money he's got There's no way he's That's You know how much A-Rod is? How?

115 Fuck man Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen 110 That's pretty good Brendan Fraser 75k a month No wonder he's fucking doing movies

holy shit that guy's been in one movie in the last 20 years George of the Jungle dried the fuck up that sucks dude fuck that Christ almighty yeah you know I guess things could be worse.

I was... Oh, Blake Griffin was 32 grand a month, actually. That's still so much, dude. That's so much money. It's like half my yearly salary. Why is Stevie Wonder paying 25 grand a month in child support? I think he probably was doing a lot of fucking back in the day was he i guess if you're blind it's still cool to fuck you don't really know of course man

generally feel and stuff you know well that was the whole thing about ray charles he used to grab girls wrists you know about that no not dude it was in the movie ray it's based on like a truth so so what he would do to make sure i guess that he wasn't fucking a big old honker is is that he would like be talking to a girl after a show and be like oh my god ray i like i just love how you are up there and he's like thanks bitch uh i'm blind as hell like i love you i think i want to marry you and they're like okay and we can go back to my hotel room and then Ray would like grab them to bring them in close, but would clasp his, his this around their wrist to see how big they were.

And if they were too big, he would like say no, just like, no, I'm out. Which is like, imagine being blind. Like,

like you're a blind dude. And yeah, you're one of the greatest piano players. Like, you know, you're one of the greatest musicians has ever lived. You're one of the blues gods, but you, you know, you're one of the greatest musicians has ever lived. You're one of the blues gods, but you're still like,

nah, it's like future. When he shut down that Miami club and wouldn't let women over like one 30. I can't do the fucking club. That was awesome. Like it was something ridiculous like that. It was like, yeah,

it wasn't obese. It was, no, it was like body measurements. Yeah. They were doing like phrenology. He just wanted like only like Marilyn Monroe measurements in the club and then like pogs and shit yeah have you seen that video dude he's a fucking piece of shit makes good music though but

there's a video of some model in his pool and uh it's like him and his homeboys like just his posse and uh she's like you know like fucking rubbing water on her tits and shit and like playing with her hair and she's she's gonna act i don't know where she's from she was like poor you papi like to him and he in the future he goes hell nah for us and then points like eight dudes behind him and she goes no no no no no you he goes hell nah everybody like it's just like dude you're fucking fuck you man it sucks you made ds2 same thing kind of i'm sure futures probably got a lot of skeletons in the closet but it's like you made ds2 and what a time to be alive like i don't got to support you as a person but fuck man like can we just be nice to the lady you know I guess you don't have to but you're being anti-black right now

am I how so you're insulting a pillar of the community of the community you know all the good things you know all the good things the future has done have you heard purple rain

have you heard perp he's calling laughing come on now Have you heard Purple Rain? Have you heard Purpy's Calling? Come on now. Come on now. His verse on Plastic Bag. Birds in the Bath. Come on now. Yeah. Move that dope.

Come on now. Diamonds Dancing. Diamonds Dancing. That's such a good one. Trap Boys. Yeah. Trap Gentlemen. gangsters galore um drinking that lean it's yummy um i take a sippy sip it goes yum yum yeah yeah i love that one with gucci on it

um yeah a lot of different stuff that that he's done A lot of cool songs. That is crazy. I didn't know that about Karl Malone, though. I don't, like, follow basketball. Really, I don't, like, to me, like, so I know that Canelo, another example, Canelo can't stop having sex with women that are not his, I think, his baby mom, like, his OG girlfriend.

I think he's, can you Google, how many kids is canelo i think he's got like six how many kids i'm jamie on this episode yeah you're jamie thomas pull this up how many kids is canelo i have connect actually i said Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I

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Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Can I Who does he think he is? How does he live like that?

Let me see how many kids NBA Youngboy has now. Dude, it's so many, isn't it? He's up to seven now. How old is he? Like 22? Something like that. He's younger for sure. He's around my age. Yeah.

He is 23 23 there's a there's a girl i uh we're friends on facebook because i think we like friended each other back when we were like kids i have the same facebook i've had since i was like 14 or whatever but like once every couple years she used to go to church uh same church i did she'll post like um she loves the like southern white like ruby lynn lorelei and mary ruby fucking like lillianne lila and she'll uh she'll post like can't wait to meet my beautiful god given gift fucking mary sue bella bellingham and uh she she's got like six of them i think and uh around there like five or six different dads she has the kid and then never posted the kid again like i don't know what happens to it i don't know if she turns it in like i don't know but it's not like you see updates about each kid she has it's like she posts she's like we've got we've got gunner tucker nelson carlson coming january 10th

2023 i love my son but then you won't see anything after like she's been having kids since we graduated high school so i'm assuming that they died or like she like gave them up for adoption i don't know but uh i also know that i'm friends with three of her baby dads on facebook and sometimes they'll like you know one of them will post a picture with her at like a buffalo wild wings and it's like we might fight we might fucking hate you know those captions we're like yeah we might fucking hate each other we might fucking spit on each other and pull guns on each other we might fucking throw each other through fucking sliding glass doors but you're still my one and only my sweet beautiful wife and i love you i'm like yeah all right all right big dog i think y'all need to call it quits uh you know clearly it's so cruel of you to not believe, to not believe in love.

Yeah. I just think it's so funny to be like, to publicly, first of all, these people, these are the type of people that publicly fight with their significant others. Like on Facebook,

like in comments, like you was out last Saturday, you know, couldn't give me, couldn't give me no pussy then. Like, like what's been like the aunts and uncles on there and shit. And they're also, yeah. Like at twin peaks with my wife, you know like what like their aunts and uncles on there and shit and they're also yeah like at twin peaks with my wife you know we just sometimes we don't see eye to eye

and sometimes i fucking you know she beats the shit out of me and i poison her food but you know she's she's my baby mom sometimes i throw her off the side of a castle and i pour hot oil under her back sometimes sometimes i get a legion of archers to shoot her with 300 arrows, and they lob through the sky like rain and land on her. Sometimes she tricks me into walking into a cave that has a frost troll in it. Sometimes she gets me with the old Looney Tunes tunnel painted on the side of the boulder trick, and I crash into the car going 80 miles an hour. Sometimes she paints a beautiful highway onto the side of an iron maiden and i drive right in sometimes she replaces the toilet paper with 80 grit sandpaper and i just fuck fucks my whole

day up but god damn she's beautiful she's a gift from the Lord, and I love her so much. Sometimes she wakes up, and I buried her up to her neck, and then I fucking put a rat under a bucket, and I trap it in there until it eats her whole fucking face off. Shit, I'll still pay for her dinner every six months. She's the mother of my children. I love her to death. I still keep a roof over her head sometimes. Sometimes it's the shed shed i gave her a shed

to live out in the back you know she's still one of my favorite girlfriends that i have right now i wonder if it's like like partially like to blame like like religious stuff like you don't get divorced because i know a lot of people like my friends whose parents are divorced but i don't i also know people like through thick and thin and they never get any better like i understand working through shit like i get that but i know people who got married shortly after high school and they like publicly like will argue like on facebook or whatever every now and then and i just hear shit like rumors and stuff and i'm like is it like is it the church shit like baby girl like you know i i could never leave you even though i fucking hate the side of

you you know like it sounds stupid like i don't know if it's intuitive like if i'm just making a hack observation but i know people like i've known people that are like yeah you know my old lady fucking yells at me all day i hate her it's like thought about leaving it's like hell no you know i don't fucking know hell she's great i'm like you just spent an hour and a half on our one hour lunch break telling me how much you want to like drive off a bridge because she makes you so miserable or whatever the fuck yeah i think a lot of it's just kind of like a small town mentality you know what i mean yeah yeah for sure like if you even if you end up moving to a bigger place or whatever it's kind of hard to break out of the idea that like you can meet new people yeah and also like you can uh you can be a different person than the one you are

yeah for sure and i there's this sounds like vain i guess i mean it's not on behalf of me but like i've had friends get married and uh and i've seen people like on social media like facebook like friends from back home get married and get huge big and like big in a gross way like not just kind of chubby but like oh my god damn and then like you know i guess at that point you're like well nobody else is gonna fuck me i'm 385 pounds i'm five five you know what i'm saying that shit's crazy when people put on like a hundred pounds yeah like relationship weight i get like you know 10 you know like you fucking comfortable y'all gonna have to eat cook at home you're fucking you're blah blah blah like it happens it's a stereotype stereotype for a

reason like you know healthy relationship weight or whatever the fuck it's called but like 200 yeah 100 pounds a year i'm like dude it's how do you afford to do that shit yeah me dude me and my old lady were so happy i when we got married i was 155 and i'm 492 pounds now that's how happy we are brother we just we love eating and we love having a good time yeah i want to kill her i don't know how people fucking afford to get that fat at this point i think it's like probably like a. I don't know how people fucking afford to get that fat at this point. I think it's probably a lot. I don't want to sound like a liver king retard,

but I would imagine it's primarily subsisting off like Whataburger. Yeah, dude, but that shit's expensive is what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, if you're doing it every day, it's probably like $100 a week. Oh, at least, dude. More than that, because I used to eat fast food twice a day at least yeah i mean that shit was like 20 bucks a day easy dude that's 600 bucks a month yeah that's true i now for one person that's

yeah who gives a shit yeah because like i eat a lot of groceries so it's kind of like a similar price either way it's just with one I'm super depressed all the time yeah and the other I don't have like bacne yeah I found I like the grocery sink because yeah before I'd be like dude I got weird acne I'm like a grown man I wonder what this is from yeah I guess I just better eat this bucket of fried chicken yeah that'll do unrelated you know yeah I don't I I don't eat Ashley loves McDonald fried chicken. Yeah, that'll do. Unrelated, you know. Yeah, I don't eat. Ashley loves McDonald's.

It's like a nostalgia thing, and she just likes chicken nuggets. And, like, I can't do it. I can't. Well, I mean, obviously, like, stomach problems and stuff. But, like, for, like, three days, I feel like I'm, like, a lich king. Like, I feel like I've been, like, cursed by the necromancer. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn like I've been like cursed by the necromancer. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm like, it doesn't just give me like the runs. Like, the next day I'm like, like I have like low HP. Like, I'm taking rads and shit from Fallout or whatever the fuck. Like, I feel poisoned. If I get protein in, I'm fine. Like, I had a McGrill this morning, actually. Now that I think about it. Nice.

Well, McGrill's with a goat. Yeah, but I had an iced coffee with it, and that shit fucked me up. That was terrible. Dude, there's nothing like... I didn't fucking... Dude, there's way too much syrup in it. Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. There's no...

There's nothing like... I know that you drive pretty far from work, depending on where the project is, but when I used to work in North Austin, and I lived in South... I worked in Round Rock. I lived in William Cannon, which, for people that don't know't know it's like an hour hour and a half drive in traffic I would get on the road and obviously I woke up late for work because the night before I'd stayed up fucking do it like drinking doing coke and shit so already I'm hungover I get on the road I don't have time to shit before work I didn't have time to shower I just threw on a fresh shirt sprayed myself was

a breeze got on the road stop by I got enough time to get a I just threw on a fresh shirt, sprayed myself with some freeze, got on the road. Stop by. I got enough time to get a Red Bull and a bag of chips, so I'm on the road. I smoke eight or nine cigarettes on the way to work. I'm stuck in traffic. 16-ounce Red Bull, bag of Doritos. Hit with the type of poop that you're like, it's curtains for me. You're just almost shitting yourself on the way to work. I don't know if this is like something that like it it never happens when you're about to leave the house or

when you get to work it's like around the halfway point where you can't turn around to shit and there's no gas stations for like six exits like you're on the fucking freeway proper you know i guess you know i've never shit in the car um despite, you know, my syndromes, but I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. I hope it happens a lot when I'm older. My grandkids have to deal with it. Yeah, that'll be nice. You guys can clean up after Pep Pep. Who gives a fuck?

I was in class yesterday. My professor just straight up, like, almost shit his pants. He just started farting like bad. That's so gross, dude. I had to peter out after a few seconds. It was like... Why? Was he doing it loudly?

Oh, okay. Yeah, dude. It was like... It was like... It knocked him back a little bit. It was like when somebody gets shot in a silent movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. They have to exaggerate it a little bit

Yeah Is this the Yosemite Sam? Yeah dude this is the guy So first off Get into class This guy seems normal enough He's like a tall old guy He's wearing like western shit

But I'm like whatever North Texas is fine He's got a big white handlebar mustache. Whatever the fuck, dude. Just teach me math. I don't care. Seems fine. Anyway, he starts talking.

And right off the bat, lets us know to only call him by his mister and then his last name because he has no pronouns. He does not believe in them. Okay. Off to a good start. Right off the bat, I'm thinking, awesome.

So let me take an inventory so far. He stinks. He just openly rips it. He doesn't really. It was just a one time. Oh, okay. Okay. And it wasn't like it destroyed the whole room.

It was just jarring okay okay um but he's a public farter and an anti uh anti-pronounce guy i just want to get a full yeah okay i got it and sent us all he emailed us all a pirated copy of the book okay i respect that actually somebody had sent him at some point okay and he said hey fuck if somebody asks you where you got this say i don't know i respect that okay anyway we're back that part i liked um he let us know that he had not brought his gun to school that day because he did not want to scare us okay but he But he said every day for the rest of the school year he would be bringing a gun to class.

And he was okay with any of us bringing a gun to class as long as it was an open carry so that everybody could see the gun. Question, was this like Southern Grandpa dry sense of humor or was he being serious? Dead serious. That's awesome. He said, if you have a gun that's concealed, you'll need to have your concealed handgun license.

But Texas law says an open carry is legal without a permit. So, man, in this building, technically you are not forbidden from an open carry. Yeah. And he was like, but I'll let you know right now, the reason I carry this gun is for your safety. Oh, no. Because if there's ever an intruder, I will put him down instantly. It will only take two shots.

Pow, pow. He's down. As soon as he comes through the door, I'm shooting him immediately. That's awesome As soon as he comes through the door, I'm shooting him immediately. That's awesome. If anybody ever comes through that door, I'm going to shoot them twice. They'll be gone. And I was just thinking, like, ah.

Thanks, buddy. Guess I better be on time for this one. Yeah, dude, don't fuck the game up like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, don't fuck the game up like that. Jesus Christ. Anyway, then proceeds to call roll and makes almost no attempt to say any of the black students' names.

Of course, yeah, of course. Just acts like some of them were like I would have had to ask about a few of them, to be fair. Yeah, fine. You know, sometimes there's just a name that you haven't read before, and that's fine. But he would get to some of them and he'd be like, I'm just going to call you by your last name if that's okay. The name's like Darius. Yeah, it's like, some of them were like LaBella or something, where it's like, you can say that.

Yeah, yeah. That's not like a crazy thing to say. He got to one guy who was named Joshua, and he was like, Joshua, that's a good Christian name. Of course. Yeah. I was like, all right, man. The area that I lived in was like half and half, a little bit more. Like, it was, like, half and half, a little bit more, like, I'm not going to say predominantly, but it was, like, pretty close split between, like, white and, like, Hispanic.

And I had this teacher in high school who he was, like, the year before he was set to retire, he was my teacher. He was, like, in his mid-70s. And he always made, like, I could tell he was milking it. Like, when he would read the Hispanic students' last names. Like, yeah, Mary... Oh, God. Nunez. How you say that one, darling? And she's like, Nunez.

He's like, oh, man, some of them. Just noon with an S at the end. Like, you know what noon is and then it was like uh rose my goodness roselle help me out here babe like he the the the male students he was like i'll call you uh edgar ed we're gonna call you ed the female students he's like baby cheeks you know what i'm saying like like an older teacher baby sweet baby sweet sweet cheeks baby girl how would you say this one and she's rosales like rosa less rosales i just i appreciate you sweet sweet bunt like the kind of pedophilia that certain southern old retards get to get away like it's not touchy it's not intimate it's like

you're talking to a 15 year old girl and you're like it like and the guy's like hey hey baby baby bun they just get because they're just 900 years old and they can't sweetie boob hey hey sugar vagina um i'm sorry Honey pussy Fuck I'm old I'm sorry We used to talk different When were you born?

1998 I'm so sorry We talked different back then Don't you worry your tight pink little ass I'm a southern boy Man I just Man from Amarillo You know back

People used to talk to each other. We didn't have them damn phones. And so, you know, it wasn't weird for me to call, you know. If you wanted to fuck one of the illegals out in a field, you had to ask. It wasn't weird for me to just go up to a woman, you know, a woman and just call her fucking Tootsie Roll Puss. Yeah. People were hanged in public. Yeah.

I love the fucking, the good old days speeches, man. Because I think, like, being from Texas, the Jasper, the guy getting, you know, fucking tragedy, the guy got dragged behind his truck and died that's a fucking fairly recent event so like people are like oh the good old days you know like my grandpa used to say that shit my great-grandpa was born in 1919 you know through like gritted teeth you know as times times back then you know if there's a problem between two men you settle it you know you wouldn't do all this talking and shooting he was the kind of racist where um i mean he was overtly racist but also like i don't know if you've ever anybody's ever used it like there was a day if men had problems they settled it with in the street they didn't shoot

at each other you know what I'm talking about? Guns are somehow for pussies, and fighting is manlier, which, whatever. I don't care. That's a stupid argument, but it was clear who he was talking about. Back in the wild, wild west, we didn't have all these violent criminals. Yeah, exactly. We only had the vigilante good guys, and they were just sort of watching out for sheep, basically. The same great-grandpa, by the way, during the Great Depression, would sit up in a tree with an air rifle and shoot at people

as they walked past in Mississippi. And then if they dropped anything in a hurry, would go and steal it. I know it was the Great Depression. You've got to do what you have to do. But, yeah, same guy. Just like, yeah, you know. great depression you gotta do what you have to do but like he like yeah same same guy just like yeah you know i i would like pull up and like you know like listening to like fucking you know rap or whatever like christmas you know somehow we get on the topic of conversation he's like you know i

mean it's something cowardly about you know shooting a man, you know, over nothing. It's like, hey, your dad, your grandfather, like, owned humans. We don't get, like, I know you, and it's cool to know a guy that old. Like, you get to ask him questions, like, hey, what was World War I like? He's like, I don't know how it was in World War I. And you're like, all right, what about II? He's like, ah, my brother died. I'm like, that sucks. And he's like, it was pretty shitty.

It sucked. I don't remember. What was the korean war like fucking sucked i don't you know like but then you don't really get to give any like generational advice i feel like you have some wisdom you know war sucks but you can't be like hey pull your pants up and stop you know what i'm saying yeah yeah i wonder Yeah. I wonder what kids are going to ask us about. I can't imagine. What was it like to be around when Charlie XCX was serving? When she was serving cunt. Say, hey, there is enough cunt for everybody to go around back then. Now you've got to fucking scrape in the streets for cunt.

The idea that content and everything keeps getting like quicker and like sound bitey or whatever like that whole argument i'm like if if musk gets his way and we all get the neural link implant and that becomes the phone which probably won't happen it's stupid and he's fucking dumb as shit so he won't get it done but anyway your your grandson is trying to show you a meme and and it's just like 23 terabytes of gore and then Bugs Bunny bleeping. Yeah, it's every game show playing at the same time. You guys used to watch this? Yeah, and it's like 1.75 speed, and it's got like break core playing over it. It's like Pat Sajak

talking really fast. And hardcore gangbang pornography in the corner. It looks like Steve Harvey's teeth are doing Morse code because his lips are moving so fast. It's like 100 terabytes of content in.2 seconds. Grandpa, let me

show you this meme. It's so funny. Or whatever. It's like, well, it's like half a frame of a Hitler speech in there. Like the whole screen becomes it. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't, I can't wait to have like, to not have any idea what's going on. You know what I mean? Like to have no like idea, uh, anything at all, any connection to like, you know, like I deleted TikTok off my phone because I was like it was just getting bad. But yeah, to like, oh, what's this? I don't know what certain words mean anymore.

You know what I mean? Like it's getting on in that age and becoming, you know, oh, what's this? I don't know what certain words mean anymore. You know what I mean? Like, it's getting on in that age and becoming, you know, a dinosaur. 55 years old. I'm about ready to retire. Do you think you'll be able to retire? I feel like I'm not going to. Like, there's no chance. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't think that happens for me. I think so. You think you'll be able to retire? Yeah, my whole family is really wealthy. Oh, that's right. I think so. You think you'll be able to retire? Yeah, my whole family is really wealthy. Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting. I'll probably just buy a lake house and live out there. Probably when I'm like 35.

No, I have a feeling that I'll figure things out. That's a nice way to look at it. I don't think it's a – I mean, if I don't end up wealthy, wealthy, which I don't think I will, I have a feeling I'll, like, end up having a decent-paying job, save up a decent amount, lose at least half of it. Gambling. Just because not even gambling, dude.

Just like it stays where it's supposed to be. And then it just goes away. Yeah, no, I know that. Yeah. And then just building it back a little bit. And then it goes away again. It just keeps going away. Yeah.

Then you retire. And then three years later, it's all gone. You have to go back to work at fucking Home Depot. Yeah. Your kids don't talk to you. Yeah. Your kids don't talk to you. Yeah. And then, you know, and then one day you meet

a special little rabbit and you think, oh, this is a girl rabbit. And so you start kissing her and you're just an old man. You don't know the difference. And you've never even kissed a rabbit at all,

let alone a beautiful, busty female rabbit wearing a sundress. Yeah. And she's twerking in the crab joint, you know, and you're all smoking hookah together. Yeah. And you go back to her place, and she goes to the bathroom. You don't think anything of it. You're probably off the molly and you're zooted.

Yeah. And she comes out of the bathroom and lo and behold, it's Bugs Bunny. Yep. And Bugs Bunny says, if you don't fuck me, I'm going to tell everybody that you're gay. You say, I'm just an old man. I should put more away for retirement twilight years yeah so i wouldn't have to party at the hookah bar with my home depot friends right and you end up basically fucking bugs bunny in the mouth and ass for years yeah and people say oh what are you doing nowadays

and you say shut up shut up i have i'm i grill or something i whittle I don't fuck Bugs Bunny I never have I've never fucked Bugs Bunny before I've never fucked a cartoon Your grandkids say Hey grandpa we miss you What are you doing? You fucking Bugs Bunny again?

I say no I've never done that Grandpa Tommy Are you fucking cartoons again? Are you fucking Are you blowing Are you fucking a giraffe blowing Are you fucking a giraffe Are you fucking the Toys R Us giraffe Uncle Thomas are you

Are you having sex with Bugs Bunny Shut up Shut up Shut up Queer piece of shit I never fucked Bugs Bunny Not even on accident I would never do that

All I do is I I weld I weld all day I do metall that. All I do is I weld. I weld all day. I do metallurgy. I don't know why we're both from Jersey when we're old. Hey, I'm fucking retired. I talk like this now. Yeah, I turned 72.

I start talking like this. I got hit by the little train ride at Six Flags. I talk like this now. I got a TBI. You know how some people start speaking Chinese? They wake up. I talk like this. I was riding Bugs Bunny's dick on the mine train at Six Flags,

and I forgot to duck down in time with the stone wall. Yeah, the stone wall took out the top half of my head. Now I can balance a silver platter on top of that. Fuck. Hell yeah, yes sir, my, I was going through, yeah, sometimes I was, like, going on Facebook or whatever, my dad was one of those old guys, you know, that would just, like, I told you, like, I was going through the list, and he just, he had added, like, quite a few clearly, like, porn bots, and he just he had added like quite a few clearly like porn bots like like just like you know like like the the girl's name is like maria uh boobs or whatever like and uh it's just like clearly a

stock photo like sports illustrated anyway um but he would also add anybody that would request him some people i recognized some people i didn't and uh i guess some people didn't know he was dead or is dead which like this thing was dead hey my dad came back I don't know if I told you he's uh he's doing pretty good he was he said I fuck being dead I'm done uh no so like I was going through all the well like you know half the it was just his birthday on the 29th of December and uh fuck like I would say 70% of people knew but there was like a bunch of people that didn't know and they were like happy birthday and then like confetti emoji like the cake emoji and then like oh big five five big dave like and then like the beer like the glass of beer like i hope it's a

good one brother and i like didn't have it in me like i'm not gonna fuck their day up with that shit like you know what i mean? Like these probably, probably, I wonder what my old high school buddy Dave's up to, man. I bet he's crushing cans and fucking chasing tail. That crazy son of a bitch. I hope I'm going to wish him a birthday.

Facebook reminded me and just, yeah, just don't scroll down. Like, you know, one page or whatever the fuck. Yeah, it happens.

What can you do? Yeah. Well, I, do yeah you were talking about getting into fucking cartoons I think my granddad did it right my mom's dad so his dad my great granddad died and so he moved into his like his childhood

home or whatever from like forever ago. And. He just started watching Jersey Shore and drinking like McCormick's vodka in his room. Like for like like the dude was, you know, like. Not your stereotypical Texas guy in terms of like or Texas old guy. Like, I'm not saying everybody from texas is stupid he just was like you know like a well-read dude well-read old guy

not particularly religious um you know taught me how to play chess and shit was just sort of like a like a traveling fucking you know like a just a piece of shit but like a cool piece of shit i don't know how to describe him he just was like a cool like deadbeat. I don't know how else to describe him. He just was like a cool, like, deadbeat dad. And he, like, retired, which just moved into, like, you know, his dad's place when his dad died. And I think I've talked about it on here before, but he was like a movie guy forever,

like his whole life. Like, obscure, like, before being a movie guy meant anything. In fact, if you watched movies, it meant you were like, if it wasn't a John Wayne movie,, before being a movie guy meant anything. In fact, if you watched movies and meet, you were like, if it wasn't a John Wayne movie, you were like a gay guy.

Like he loved like old Italian and French movies. And he had a big collection, but he like retired around like 68. And, uh, we were over there one time and he was watching Jersey shore. And I was in high school. And I was like,

why would you watch this stupid shit? Like, this is for morons. And he's like's like no you don't understand this is the best thing i've ever seen in my life he's like he's like i don't he's like i was like i thought you were into like fellini movies grandpa i thought you were like you know you showed me the royal tenenbaums or whatever the fuck you know he's like yeah all that shit's fucking stupid to me now. Like, right before he died, he got really into Jersey Shore and, like, Real Housewives and just, like, trash TV and then also just drinking, like, 10 Bloody Marys a day. Like, he was never really a big power drinker from what my mom said, but then, like, just quit work, didn't have anything to do, and was like, I'm going to get into watching TV for, like, trailer park And then just, yeah, having like a breakfast drink, but at two in the morning, I get that just like, and, and I think that's like, that's like,

I think I might follow that. Like people like, you know, you, you hear people older people be like, Hey, you got to stay busy, you know? Cause that's just waiting for you to slip up. I'm like, I don't think I'll do all that. You know, I hope to buy 65 i've seen enough what i want to see i think i'm just you get right back into drugs i don't you know it's it's crazy both my parents are are close to 65 and like you know those like i guess a few years

where someone's like you're not sure whether they're old yet yeah it's like a weird space in time it's i felt that way like where you like where you see people you can tell somebody's getting older yeah it's not like they're senile or anything right you know well my dude i've told you this before like i got that with my dad a little bit because before he passed like just the drugs and drinking it like started to take it he was only 55 54 but like. But, like, he just, it aged him. It finally caught up with him or whatever. But my mom is, like, 45. And she fucking talks all this shit.

She's like, you better, like, I'm letting you know right now. I want to be in a home. I don't want to live with you. I don't want to be in your guest bedroom having you wait hand and foot on me. I need to be in a home. And I'm like, Mom years old there's 16 years between us i've lived a way dumber life than you you've been a good christian woman when i'm 60 you're 75 76 you like i'm gonna be we're gonna be in the same home together like shitting and you know what i'm saying like like i'm not like i've cleaned my act up but it's like I definitely sliced some years off there's no doubt in my mind and uh and so like she's she

and she has this life insurance policy you know like you know obviously god forbid it's like a tragedy and she's like I hope that you're responsible because you know when when I do go when the lord calls me home like I just I know that you've been putting your life back together and I'm really proud of you for that but I just hope hope you don't slip up. And I'm like, Mom, if I'm, if I get back into cocaine and Vicodin at, like, 62, assuming you live, like, a long life, you know? Like, if she lives, like, 78, 80, like, how old, you know, typically, like, in our bloodline or whatever, how long we live. Like, if I, you know, like, that's stupid. You know, like, that's not, you know, we're going to be in the same home, and I'm not going to see that life insurance policy. I'll probably die before you 100%.

Yeah, I don't know. I think any sibling that I outlive is going to be, like, mad at me. Like, are you fucking serious? Thomas? God damn it, yeah. God, I knew you were towards the tail end of us all. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were supposed to go, like, 20 years ago. How are you still hanging around like i don't know you know spite started living like an old man at like 20 yeah yeah it is it is funny that like i have uh like i like my bass player is your age and like all of his friends like we hang out and uh they'll be at shows and stuff and they're like whoa and i'm like i remember that and then like i'll have a thought where i'm like you are the same age as is like is that group is like i think maybe they're even like a few years older like or like a year older 24 and then you'll text me you're like damn

i uh i just made some soup it was really good like and like will will send his text of him like his eyes all crossed he's's, like, glossy. He's, like, having a fucking pop. Woo, boys. Yeah, you know, my girlfriend having a good time. Miss you all. Love you guys. Love you too, Will.

And then I text from you. It's, like, you know the sleepy time tea with the citrus? Solid choice. Dude, this winter, I won't even lie, I got my tea game on. Ashley's been doing it, too. It's super good's super good i got some spiced chai yeah oh oh honey ashley's been doing a citrus ginger tea it's delicious i don't know what the fuck yeah uh the ginger is like good for like my throat um just from sucking penis all day and getting yeah yeah yeah it throws you off your game um but uh but no like i it's it's just like even when we first started doing this show and i think i was 25

and you were 20 or yeah something like that um i just remember being like uh like you you like text me like yeah you know uh it's been a long day. I'm just, like, winding down. And I'm, like, oh, winding down with a little sody. Budweiser's like, nah, fucking, you know, probation. I just had a Hall's cough drop and half a cigarette. And I'm feeling real sleepy, like, it's just, like, it's, like, 8.30 p.m. And I'm, like, I'm 25 at grad school.

Like, I'm drunk. And I'm, like,'m 25 at grad school like i'm drunk and i'm like man i fucking my friend thomas is like i gotta reevaluate some i feel like now that i can drink again like i part of my brain wants to revert back to being like retarded yeah but i have to be like okay if you do that now it's like it wasn cool then, but now it's like, you have like deep forehead wrinkles. Yeah, yeah. And you have like arthritis. You can't, if you're just drunk and stumbling around, you just look like an active problem. Like I just, I don't even look college age anymore.

Like I barely do. So if I'm just drunk stumbling around TCU, that's not a good look. I look like I'm there to break into places. I can tell you from experience that I kept it going until about 25. And so with the drugs and stuff. All my friends slowed down around 23, 24. And I was like, what are y'all doing, man? Y'all got to catch up because I'm having fun.

You guys are a bunch of losers. And they're like, how many jobs have you had in six months? And I'm like, fucking nine. And that's just the way that we're living. It's so funny that I remember like some of the people that I looked up to and thought was so cool, like, oh, man, I started a new job. It's really awesome. I was like, oh, what happened to the one you were working at a shipping company like two weeks ago?

Oh, man, I crashed a forklift. You're like, oh, okay, what happened? Oh, you know, a bunch of bullshit. They're lying on my name, you know. I didn't do anything like that. And you're like, all right. Two months later, oh, man, how was work? You said you were working at that warehouse, like machine shop.

Nah, boss was an asshole, you know. They're just lying on me, saying I was up to no good. And it's like, you know, there's like a common denominator here. Yeah, I quit doing drugs and then i like would have the same job for like two years i'm like how does this happen yeah yeah dude same like i wouldn't put it together but i'd be like dude that one job was bullshit so i just no call no showed yeah um and then that other job i think somebody was a bitch i can't remember who but somebody was a bitch so i stopped going remember who, but somebody was a bitch, so I stopped going. Yeah.

But those were all logical decisions. Yeah. So there's nothing. I guess I just finally found a really good job being a day laborer. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I was trying to go through all of my references for the job before this one that I have now, like the one, the fucking horse saddle one uh that i have now like the one the fucking horse saddle when i was working every year and uh i was like going through every internship i had in college and i had a lot like i had like several really good writing internships that i like

either burned bridges or got fired from and i was like uh no i i can't reach out to Eric. I no-call no-showed on him. Nah. Sam and I, we got mad beef. I accidentally in the work chat sent a meme of Hank Hill getting fucked by Barney. So I can't. We're not on good terms. That was 2012. I had no references.

Like, I had one, and it was a friend. And I did some work for her. But I didn't really do good. Like, I did good work, but I never no references. I had one, and it was a friend. And I did some work for her. But I didn't really do good. I did good work, but I never showed up. So it was only a good reference because we were friends. And I realized as I was applying to jobs again, it's not that I was a shitty employee 100% of the time. It's just when I was done, I was like, I hate goodbye.

You know what I'm saying? You just walk out. Yeah. I only i only ever no call no showed at one job that's the only way i quit i quit one job like that yeah and then at jimmy john's i didn't show up for my last day but that doesn't really count because i put in a notice i yeah i rarely ever i rarely finished my two weeks and then and then at sonic i drove to work and then just handed them my uniform and said, I came here planning to work, but I'm not going to. Goodbye. And then I just left forever.

I've gone to Sonic like one time since then. I thought I quit a job when I was 19 by me and one of the managers at the restaurant got into a heated argument and i was like out in the parking lot motherfucker let's do it i fucking cannot stand you he was like well bitch sorry let's go then like i was like yeah fuck you like we were like talking shit to each other and it kind of diffused itself i thought i lost my job because like i and i left that day like i finished my tables i didn't even run my checkout i just went home and uh respect to the guy for being cool afterwards because finished my tables. I didn't even run my checkout. I just went home and, uh, respect to the guy for being cool afterwards.

Cause like the next day I didn't go. Oh, I wasn't going to like, I get a call like an hour from my ship was supposed to start. And it was him. And he was like, Hey, what's up?

And I was like, the fuck do you want, man? Like what? He was like, where are you at? I was like, bro,

we like, we're about to fight each other. Like I ain't fucking working. He was like, nah, that's cool pussy. Like what the fuck? He was like, bro, we like we're about to fight each other. Like, I ain't fucking working. He's like, no, that's cool, pussy. Like, what the fuck? He was like, oh, we just have some words. Sometimes men don't get along. Like, I think you're a fucking I think you're bitch made.

You think I'm bitch made, but it's cool. Like, I ain't got nobody to cover your shit and I don't want to get yelled at. He's like a fucking wigger dude from Dallas. It was like somehow squeezed his way into being bar manager. You know, just like like just being the funniest and coolest bartender at a shitty bar in austin or a restaurant in austin and yeah it was and i was like i was like are you fucking with me and he was like nah dude like hey you know what we con that that shit up it'll be straight you know we get drunk after work and i was honestly i was like

respect like i i i thought i quit like if i'm like hey parking lot i'm gonna beat the dog shit out of you or you're gonna beat me up i'm going to beat the dog shit out of you, or you're going to beat me up. I don't know yet, but I'm sick of you. I hope you die. And they're like, oh, fuck you, you fucking moron. That's a two weeks if I've ever heard one. But I guess not to that guy.

He's like, hey, man, I really need your help. We're slaying, bro. I know you call me a fag, but like, hey. Hey, bathroom, right now I'm sucking your dick. Hey, get in there get it pull your pants down i'm i'm fucking yeah god damn it dude fucking mic stand just put this shit out on me dude fuck um did i ever tell you about when i fucking it was about to be the first podcast i was ever gonna record it was with a podcast about Liz.

And for some reason, I was super nervous. I'd never talked to them before. And I had one of those podcast arms. Yeah, yeah, like a rig, like the type of. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, all right, first time using this. This is going to be cool. Okay.

Couldn't figure out how to bend it. I loosened one of the things. I was like, all right, cool, here we go. Bent it, and I shattered the entire arm. It exploded, dude. Hell yeah. Every joint fucking exploded. And so I just had the microphone set down on the opposite side of the desk. Because I didn't realize you had to hold it closed.

Hell yeah. I love that shit. I fucking, I remember I tried to do a show with my buddy. I like basically bullied him before. Years and years ago, I was like, I want to do a podcast. And I would just record it on my phone and it would be like one volume. And it was just me and like three friends I had. And we would just like do blow. And basically was just me and like three friends I had and we would just like do blow

and basically just try to like, I don't know, like we were all like open micers and like musicians and we were like, well, we're all broke. We don't have any money. And that was like the whole point

of the like the show or whatever. And we tried to be funny and shit. And it was one of those things that like because I invested like $80 into it, I just bought like one microphone off Amazon. I had to justify that by like telling people kind of like the open mic thing we talked about on Monday, like telling people like, uh, yeah, no, it's, uh, it's, it's going pretty good for me.

You know what I'm saying? Like it's, uh, I'm a podcaster. We're running and gunning and doing the thing. I've got a lot of listeners right now, and people love my show. Yeah, I've been taking a look at the market lately. Dude, the market's good as fuck right now. In terms of business and shit like honestly like the deals keep coming in yeah and honestly i'm a little bit nervous about the content because we started

at talking about how we don't have money but now we got all this fucking money yeah it's like i don't even know dude i'm just living the dream it was somebody's like how have you monetized it's like honestly like a lot of the monetization is just getting the word out, you know? It's just, that's what money is, you know? It's power. And you get powered by, you know, electricity. And that's what we're sending out signals, you know what I'm saying? It was, like, the type of shit, like, it was so bad. I would black out and record an episode and then post it and immediately delete it.

Because it wasn't even funny. Like, sometimes when you get too fucked up and you record an episode, like those can be fun. But like, um, it was like the kind of drunk where you're like, dude, I think that of all my friends,

you were the one that has kept it the realest bro. And then my friends like, no, dude, you've been the most real. You're like a kind of like a, you know, like kind of a crazy guy.

Like, you know, you got your problem, but you're, you're real and everybody else around you, dude, you live in a sea of fakes and we're the real, like the type of shit that like,

it's not even like two drunk guys being like ice cream cone, but it's poop flavored, like laughing about it. But like just to, to drunk as shit, like laughing about it but like just too too drunk as shit like early 20s guys just being like listen one day we're gonna get sober and we're gonna start a mexican restaurant together because we both love food and that is true about our french like just absolute like hopeless dude me and you both me and you both work restaurants. What if we bought an airplane, built a, what's it called, airport, and we launch our own flights, and we call it bad boy flights,

and basically we have the best customer service in the world, champagne bottles on deck, motherfucking sunglasses. You have to wear a suit to get on the plane. Yeah. And flying is only $20 no matter where you're going. That shit was so fucking... I'm not even kidding, dude.

A lot of us worked in the industry and all of us were fucking druggies and all of us were drunks and blah, blah, blah, blah. But to start a restaurant anywhere, by the the way even if you wanted to start a restaurant in like cousin fucker arkansas it's a lot of money but in austin it's insane like the rent's fucked up and like like profit margins are like shit you're in the red basically your whole life and you get most places closed down after a little while but dude it's like yeah we would be

like yo so here's the thing we're gonna start saving up money all right so cameron's got this idea you know basically you know all the stoner food that we make late at night that's really delicious and not just really fucked up and gross but we're so fucked up that we just so we're gonna make like munchie like we're gonna call it like the munchie mobile like a food truck right and it's gonna be like tacos with like fucking uh like brisket and then it's gonna be pizza with like egg on it and it's gonna be like sriracha ice cream like this just a fucked up shit that you know you think about when you're really fucked up and like we're sitting there and i had my laptop out and i was like how much is it how what do you think it is to start a fucking food truck you know like a thousand bucks i'm totally an idiot so just to get your food permit it's like

six grand and then to get the truck with like all like it's a hundred it's a restaurant investment you're starting a back of house like you don't have the full but it's like you know fifty sixty thousand dollar investment dude at the time me and my best friend Cameron between us $150 like max like and him the vast majority of that like he was better with money in so far as he always at least had a hundred bucks I typically was down to like my last six or seven dollars like all the fucking time and um he was like Jake dude I love that you think big bro like i just like that's such a like if we really get our act together i think like that we can make it funny too like you could have like like you could do like by the way i'm not writing for tv shows i'm not writing for anybody i'm barely

doing stand-up at this point he's like you're a funny guy you can make the menu funny and i'm like yeah yeah like it's just like yeah they don't care if the food is dog food from the gas station it's just like they want funny jokes on them and let it it's just i wish maybe it would be a a good show not a funny podcast but like something that you would show like psychology majors like people who study addiction like like you would like a youtube or some sort of video series for like two guys start off having a normal conversations like yeah You know fucking Melissa. You just she doesn't let me go out. You know I'm saying and like I feel like me and you when We go out we act we act right. We don't even fuck up. We're just hey man. You know what fuck that bitch Let's get fucked up tonight. That's like first hour and then like hour nine. You're like listen laser tag strip club

for veterans only. For Marines. And the laser tag is a full contact, by the way. So if you want to get a lap dance, you can. But if you have PTSD, which is like most Marines and Army guys, then you can go do full contact laser tag and get your dick sucked. And that's all those guys want. Yeah, no, that's genius.

How much would that cost? Like 500 bucks to get that started? Yo, you know how they don't make donuts for Chinese people? We make a Chinese donut. You know how they own the donut shop, but they don't eat them? Yeah, you know what? Because they don't even have food to eat. So what we do is it's a free delivery service.

It delivers Chinese food to Chinese people with no warning, no way to be forced. No matter what they're cooking for every meal, they get Chinese food sent into their house every day. At mealtimes. Until it almost feels insulting. And you know how Chinese people don't have... Or refrigerators are running wild.

You know how people in Hong Kong eat bugs and shit? Oh my god. What if we moved, what if we went to Chinatown in New York and we put a McDonald's in there for the Chinese people so they could try it? How much it cost to franchise a McDonald's in New York City? What, 1.8 million dollars? Yeah, bro. I bet you McDonald's don't have a license in Chinatown, bro. We could build our own. Yeah, we could name it like just something like Nick Donald's.

McChinals. McChinals, yeah. McChinals. McChinals. Hey, if you like cool stuff like McChinals. Yeah, I'm going to try to spell it later. Got a stroke. You know how Chinese people don't have food at home it's like

it's just the idea that like like i just this is dropping off like panda express yeah they're making like a delicious they're cooking cooking like French food or whatever. They're having hamburgers. Like it's a Chinese American man. It's like a third generation. He's from Arlington. It just like doesn't even speak Cantonese anymore. Like it just hasn't spoken in fucking 20 years. Hey, I know that you guys like,

I'm just trying to be woke about it, but you come across as racist. He's like a surgeon. He's like, hey, i know your community is facing hard times i'm just here to let you know bro uh that one of my friends is a scammer and so he gets free door dash shit from panda express all the time and so basically i'm just dropping that shit off at chinese people's houses um and so far the police said it's not technically a hate crime it's just in really bad taste so um basically it's like what you know how there's a lot of charities

um they're only for chinese people this is like one of those like a really like hey hey um you know how you know how they like fortune cookies? Yeah. Basically, we would just, out of a helicopter, just drop fortune cookies on people's houses. And inside, we'd put lottery tickets. Hey. Fucking God damn it.

Go to patreon.com slash bendet. And give us five or ten or fifty bucks a month, man. I have to fuck out. Okay. Bye.