Pendejo Time - FROM THE VAULT: The Mound

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

a fan favorite from the early video days, now in hi def audio. it is my 6 year anniversary so you guys get two audio experiences for the price of one, and I am going to have dinner. love you guys. thanks for coming to the show.  sub to the show

Hear ye, hear you, we're here on trial for the sexiest man in all of the shire. Yes. And you're... Indeed. And you're on trial for having the nicest set of butt cheeks in all of Hobbit land. When Thomas gets tired, it's the same thing as if, like, a guy were to do heroin. It's just kind of like... Look, you know, there's a lot of people out there.

who can stay up for days at a time. Right. And then there are men who... Get sweepie. Actually, work part-time for a living. Yeah. And are struggling to feed their... Cats.

...who everyone in their family makes more money than them. Yeah. You know, Jake, when you get to my age, you'll understand what it... It's like a little drug pouch. I already have one in, but sure. Let's double her up. Me and Thomas like to get fucked up off velo patches.

Oh, man. You know, when you get older and you start having kids, and you start having crazy... Hardcore sex. Meetings all the time. I wear a suit pretty much 24-7 nowadays. Yeah. You hardly ever...

Every time you come to my house and wear a big suit. That is true. You do look super sexy in it. Yeah. feel like madman i just but instead i'll just walk around the house grabbing my cat's asses what's up to say hey what's so sexy mama show a little leg why don't you want to show a little fucking tail why don't you hey floppy little kitty what does daddy got to do to get a little bite of that ass cheek you want that promotion you want that promotion to being a different type of cat

yeah madman but they all work from home so he's have to sexually harass your neighbors Just take your penis out on Zoom Like, hey Just slapping the webcam Hey, it's my car I'm doing it as like The lowest wrong writing employee If you want that promotion

You'll come What do you live? Oh, you live in Manhattan, okay And you're my boss You're one of the mad men Mm-hmm Kind of? Yeah, you are

I'm mad Mm-hmm And you're men And I'm men Yeah I think the You know I only watched one episode

to that show and yes it was a pilot but I think I got the general grasp of it plus you're a pilot yourself I'm a pilot I'm an air hostess air hostess I uh I'll tell you on spirit flights it pisses me off that they really rub it in that the snacks are not free yeah they really like to say that about 10,000 I flew spirit home from L.A and they were like we have snacks and drinks for purchase purchase

yeah purchase you fucking four pieces of a shit, not that any of you even care. You took a spirit flight. So you're ready to die. I know you guys all just spent 20 grand on luggage on having access to an overhead bin.

Yeah. You know. That's how they get you though. And they only oversawed the flight by like, you know, 50 people. Oh, like triple book 10 times. Yeah, they're like if there are like a 300 people

who want to opt out of this flight and get some points, I'm, like, doing the math. I'm like, I don't think there were... How many people are they... I got people flying in, like, where they put all the cargo and shit. The reason it costs so much

is you can put your babies and toddlers up in the room. Do you think if a spirit flight got hijacked, they would even scramble the fighter jets? I think they would just let that motherfucker go. It would be like they still get really fucked up as pilots on spirit. Oh, yeah. Like, they're just jacking off and doing coke the whole time.

What's up, you fucking retards? You guys fucked up real bad We are sauced right now This is your captain Johnny Bravo Looks like we're getting hijacked But jokes on them I don't really give them fuck

Jokes on them I'm a rapist I'm about to fuck these terrorists raw Yeah For love and country brother If you were If you were hijacking a flight do not hijack spirit i swear to god yeah because if you if you hijack a spirit flight you go to

muslim hell yeah you you like you die like you do everything that you were supposed to do right when you hijacked plane you flew it into a fucking building al-ahqabbar or whatever the fuck and you like did everything right you know you tried to get jihad going you're a soloffice that's what it's all about you wake up in hell it's like ah man It was a spirit flight. Nobody cares about those people. You wake up in Argyle, Texas. Fuck.

It's like a Muslim, like, homeowner. It's a really racist part of, like, East Tech. Fuck! How are they burning a Hamza in my front yard? How do they construct it out of two-by-force? I do like the idea of, like, a terrorist standing up with the box cutter to hijack a spearfly and just immediately getting shot

but not by the air marshal just like by a guy on the plane there's like 25 bullets being fired in the airplane cabin's depressurizing it was just a Sikh man who stood up to go to the bathroom there's like half the plane like the tickets in the planner for air marshals

they're all like fucking zip tying each other arresting each other they're all playing clothes they're playing clothes in like Fubu They're like white guys Yeah They all have fitted caps on that don't fit

Yeah yeah You know who the air marshal is on a spirit flight Because he's like what's so What's popping young blood You know the first undercover cop in New York To get the brimless fitted It had to be like Yeah you guys don't know about this yet

You guys don't know about this getting the Yankees fitted It's like I'm gonna fit right in I'm gonna fit right in All the that's the reason All the Travis Scott Air Force Travis Scott Air Forces. Yeah, this is why NYPD went bankrupt.

Yeah, there's no bots out there. There's no Chinese guys sitting up. It's just 5-8-250 guys. The entirety of NYPD's budget is going to right now. I like the idea of, like, in the same way of, like, trying to hijack a spirit flight, like a guy, like an undercover cop, like you get to run and gun. Like, you're not a beat cop anymore.

but you spent so long in the beat like you don't know like you're rolling through like in an old Buick LaSaber and you're bumping like Empire state of mind and you're like yeah I'm fitting in

like I'm you know everybody's listening to like fucking what's that motherfucker young man who died pop smoke you're like I don't know who this guy is I'm just trying to fit in I'm trying to sell some fucking crack and then I get you know you just

you just die like day one because you don't like I wonder if you have to Like, to be an undercover cop, like, I'm sure they do their research, you know? Like, you've got to find out what the young kids are into. Yeah. I was just thinking, I would love to have been the one guy hijacking the 9-11 planes who was not paying attention during the PowerPoints. He just, like, had some tape. And it was like, like, they, the guys say, you know, stand up, they start yelling and he's like, fuck.

Yeah, everybody holds still. No, get on the ground. Yeah. And then we're, oh, we're hijacked. Yeah, we're hijacked. We're checking these. Where are we taking these planes? Allah. Are we taking these back to...

Oh, we're taking these back to Baghdad? Yeah. Wait, I'm from Saudi Arabia. Wait, well, hold on. Oh, shit. Wait, I'm... Wait, this guy's Israeli. This guy, uh, this guy works for the CIA.

This guy's from Assad. I don't know. Who do you guys work for? I don't think we have to hijack this plane. I don't think, uh, I don't think we have to... I mean, we could do whatever the fuck we want. I got, I got goaded into this. They gave my dad like $100 and then he kind of just like...

I have a giant bomb strapped in my, it's in my backpack. Is that even part of the plane? I just brought it in case and I didn't check for it. It's funny to hijack a plane with a bunch of box cutters. I mean, I guess, you know. I mean, the thing is, it's smart because, you know, most people don't need a fancy knife. No. You know, you've got to cut straps off pallets, stuff like that.

Your blade's going to go dull, you know, and it's nice to have a box cutter. You can just swap the blades out on it. It makes sense. I mean, they knew what they were doing. I mean, if you... Imagine, you know, a guy pulls out a buoy knife and he's like, I'm going to get the plane. It's like, dude, you know, you're all flair.

Right. A box cutter, it's like, okay, this guy, this is a working man. Yeah, it's the working class hijacker. Yeah, he doesn't, he just puts his car hard on and fucking reads the Quran. All right, baby. I'll be home soon, you know.

I got to go fucking do some jihad, but I'll be back. You tell the kids I'm do Lula you stupid bitch I got fucking shit to do I hope there's some fucking hot bitches on this plant I can fuck Hey you know I know we've been married fucking you know

22 years but uh you know I gotta go do this shit so I can get there And have uh They said I got like some milk up there And some honey I could eat Uh 72 of them Yeah I love fucking virgins Because they're so good

I love fucking I love dry eye and real super tight pussy. You can't even fit, like, anything in there. I love, like, anxious, like, unsure, like, you know, the night after prom type pussy. You got to let them listen to Rex Orange County for two hours when you get to do anything. They're showing you car seat headrest and telling you about how their last boyfriend pushed them down and fly to stairs. You got to take them to a coffee shop for six months. That's what purgatory is for Muslims is you've got to fucking take all the virgins out on dates for a year to get any pussy from anybody.

The 72 virgins are just like girls who live in like Bushwick. It's a bunch of girls who want to go to U.N.T. Yeah, they all want to move to Denton, Texas. Yeah, they have sexes you one time and then regret it and then they get married a couple years later. Yeah, the guy's just a better version of you. He looks exactly like you, but he has his life together. Yeah, some dude named Carl. Yeah, he just like literally.

looks pretty much exactly like he was just a little bit more in shape and he's like a tech sales guy god dude that would suck so bad to be a Muslim and to be promised 72 versions and yeah you die and you get to heaven but they just all have BPD yeah you get up there and they're listening to

1975 and you're like god damn it send me to fucking shit I was wrong I didn't mean to do this I fucking just send me down there to hell God dude I can't that is purgatory dude you just like on a date with a girl

and she's trying to tell you about like Mulholland drive so just stupid shit that bitches say yeah they dumb ass don't you hate it

when a whore talks to you? Don't you hate it when you've been dating a girl for a few months and the bitch won't shut up she wants you to meet her dad

and he's a really nice guy and you're like fuck I just wish I could kill both of you fuck this guy if he had a pussy I'd fuck him too but I can't

because he's a dumb ass dad Because he's just a guy that for some reason really respects me. And I'm mostly just, you know. Berman's handshake, stupid. Really nice. You raised your daughter super good. I had to date her for like seven and a half months before she. Yeah.

She won't even suck my fucking dick yet. Hey, can you tell you should have raised her to swallow. You raised a really self-respecting woman. She won't even fucking hit me over the head with a rolling pin when she bounces on it. She doesn't realize how much bed sheets cost. I've ruined like six pairs I got real acidic nut It just burns through it like fucking

I fucking ruined her bed frame Melted through that shit It's just straight through steel You got a really nice one from IKEA Stripped the varnish off Pure Solid Walnut It was just smoking off like fuck It was just like it got hit with some of the

Green Goblins battery acid From the movie Like a tire shop in there Telling this to her dad Hey you raised a real nice girl But I just you gotta tell her to invest In stronger bed frames Because I don't drink a lot of water

My shit's just straight up like caustic soda Yeah Nice to meet you sir It's a real nice house you got here I've been dating your daughter six months I wish you would have raised her a little bit more fucked up We had to like Go to the pumpkin patch

Before she even like looked at it Hey your daughter's pussy smells bad It stinks It stinks like crap in there Did you teach her to wash your shit up? Yeah Did you teach her to scrub it? Hey, listen, I'm a real piece of shit.

I just wanted to let you know up front, sir. Does your wife, I got a question for it, does your wife bounce on it? Or is it just kind of... Oh, thank you for... Thank you for dinner. I wish I had been to eating your daughter's pussy that whole time. Hey, thanks for lasagna, Miss B. Taste almost as good as your fucking daughter's...

Buh. Like, boho. Oh, my God. Oh, my good. Well, nice bo. That's a well-nice bow. That's a real-nice fucking... Yes, right-nice bow.

She's like, babe, okay, we're going to go to dinner with my parents. You cannot do the retard voice. I promise, I won't. It makes me likable. I don't understand why you don't trust me. We've been dating three years, okay? We live together. You know, we got a couple cats.

We got a dog. We even got a little bird. I'm not going to do the voice when I go to visit your dad. He'll walk in the door. How well, miss? Mr. B. Wow, you're looking... So your daughter and I were having sex

the other day. And it was awesome. It was awesome. She wet me go spooge on her forehead. Ugh. I love basing a word.

You know one thing I worth more than raspberry tweets is busting a big wope. I did. what man fuck this bit I fucking don't like the term rope

I really don't dude I've never fucking cared for it I don't like busting a load My sperms are creeping out Oh my sperms I think I I made a whittle doppy I think all of my

Oh my all my seamen just Fell out One of my semen just jumped out On you The semen really jumped out on that one Yeah The semen really... Yeah.

It's the semen for me. It really jumped out. Oh. I'm in my jacking off era. Oh, my murk. My murk emerged. What? My murk.

It's murky. Oh, my slime. Oh, my goop is gooping out of me. I think I turned your insides into a huge swamp. It sounds like fucking swipe for the fox. Oh, my good. Goodness, the back of your car smells like a mire. It smells like a peat bog.

Oh, my gosh. It smells like a mangrove swamp. What are we back here making coal? The inside of your apartment smells like a coastal plane. Oh, this is a good. Sorry I made your car smell like Galveston. My pants smell like a bog. Um, yeah.

I'm surprised Shrek doesn't come here and fuck you Some good game After you but well just like being totally normal Up until you get later Then after being like I really made your pussy smell like a peat bug It smells gross It smells like a mangrove swamp It smells like a dragon lifts here

She's like what dude You're like well I don't know if you know this But a little birdie told me That I made a droopy in your your stoop hole. Dude, we gotta get some treasure. Yeah, we gotta fucking really pack it up, pack it in, let it begin. Dude, imagine if...

I was like, hey, man, I gotta show you some... And I took you to the back room where right now it's just plants and cardboard boxes. But instead of just treasure chests, and they were overfilled with gold. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you've noticed, but... You know, if you ever get a chest, it's never big enough for the gold. The coins just are everywhere There's typically not good organization for it

If you've got a cave I'd love to meet a dragon Who had like a shelving system Like a warehouse type situation Yeah they mostly just sleep on the gold It's all messy in there Yeah there's probably due to Dragons probably are depressed creatures

It's fun Why they can never keep their houses clean Yeah Um There's a lot of mentally ill folks In the dragon community Folks like FOLX Yeah

Hey, that one, dude, that one kind of fell off. I've been thinking of, like, words that, like, kind of lost. Like, I don't see Latinx as much. Folks, F-O-L-X was popular for a bit. Oh, yeah, because Latino people were like, hey, we don't, we don't really do. Yeah, that survey came out that was, like, 23% of them, like, know that work. I say them, like, my grandpa used to say it. 23% of them, you know, know that word and, like, less than, like, 3% used it or whatever.

what's a good one for white people Caucasian X White people White people? I think white people is good Dude I actually think that one's pretty cool I also think Mayo ass is really good That's really funny It's like another Mayo ass colonizer

I also like when people on the internet Are like another white man with an unwashed ass Has an opinion I'm not saying this is good That this happened But historically White men with unwashed ass is kind of like I'm kind of running shit

Like go back in arms I'm not saying it's good Yeah and a lot of them Actually kept their asshole and taint area Very clean I don't know if they did man A lot of them Thomas Jefferson

You're saying that guy Had a clean butthole No chance He fucking He was a prim and proper Like a southern lawyer type No he was British Yeah they kind of all were

That is true Their things It's kind of their big thing They were kind of Yeah Super British Big part of the American Revolution is they were not originally

American. Yeah. A little history lesson. What are we freaking Dan Carbon? Dan Carbons' unwashed history. Yeah. Yeah, you know, white people traditionally are stereotypically very stinky. Yeah, if there's something that I, that I, that I, a lot of people don't know.

Man, isn't just me or do white, white guys really stink? Yeah, dude, we really don't smell good. Yeah. You ever see a white man at the bus stop and he just, you know, he stink? And you know that ass got pooping it. You know that he don't be wiping. You know he got a turd. You see a white boy.

You know he got a turd? He wiped back to front and he gets shit on his nuts. You know he wiped from the top of his back to the front of his belly? He gets poop like a circle across his whole body. He got warping. You got a racing strap to just shit. Warping I saw a car the other day

It was like a BMW And it had like a third of a racing stripe That's awesome Just on the hood That's awesome And it was like the double stripe But it just It was a Mercedes actually

Yeah it looked like dog shit That's awesome Fucking terrible That's so sick Yeah I'll get the rest put in later He got it on layaway I know this is a $40,000 vehicle Let's all right

Let's do just $80 worth of racing Yeah I don't have much money left Yeah Yeah, you're going to put that pussy in the headlock. I put that pussy in a headlock. You got choked a pussy when you ain't in there, boy. Like Chris Benoit.

Yeah, I get it. You call him home to your wife and you shoot that bitch. I get in that pussy, I go, he-hee. I do dastardly deeds to that thing. Dastity deeds in that fucking sneed. I get up in that cat. I start acting foolish. You sound like Slingblade.

I get up in that cat and I start acting like I don't know how to read yeah i get a littered on it i stop reading braille off the pussy i go like this i give my girlfriend bumps and she died and then because i have seven sexual diseases and then i start reading it like a book yeah yeah dude this uh this has been a great year 2022 actually you know what i'm gonna keep it a buck with you guys it's been a pretty rough year for all yaker uh a lot of cool shit happen a lot of bad shit happen uh i have like a new metric it's okay you know we could talk about i have a new metric for if i've had too many beers in a public

setting because i start making like i noticed i was doing it at the la show or like at the after party thing because i just start making way too many like dad suicide jokes like it's like every other joke it's like one one's fine one's good and then like and then like i actually like she's noticed she's like I feel like after like your seventh beer

you'll just go up somebody be like yeah dude's you know knock knock

who's there is that my dad he killed himself everybody's like woo yeah yeah

yeah it's like Jake you have got to talk about that yeah yeah dude

it's funny because like I you know prior to it it's like how you know you've had

too many beers it's like ah you know you're like uh you're like

fucking can't walk you're kind of stumbling you're slurring your words it's like how do you know now it's like a guy I know from the internet I'm like damn man it's crazy one second you're fucking sitting at the beach and next you're gotta put your dad in a big box

they're like oh damn how do you die it's like you'll never guess that motherfucker he was real tired of being just hanging out you know but yeah it's just my new new way of a new way of just kind of taking a measurement

my gander, my surroundings. Yeah, and also, if Jake starts drinking too much, I'll start stealing stuff from him. I'll start taking his keys and his wallet and stuff and tripping him when he's trying to walk. Pending me down. Yeah, I'll start poking him in the eyes. I'll say, you pussy.

You pussy, little fucking bitch. Show me that dick. I bet it's small right now. I bet it's small because you've been drinking alcohol and it's cold outside. I bet it doesn't even get hard. I bet you couldn't even get hard. get hard for me right now Like a

Like a schoolyard bully I bet you can't get hard I bet you can't even get hard right now You fucking queer If you can't get hard for me Then you're fucking gay I got sensuous hips You're telling me you can't look at it

Just my hip bones If I shave it up and I tuck the balls Yeah if you're telling me It's my birthing hips If I shaved up completely bald And I just tuck my shit in That you wouldn't get a little bit hard Man this shows gay

I got mildly annoyed with my girlfriend because she said that it would not be a good look for me if I transitioned and I was like, shut up. She's like, your shoulders. Yeah. I'm like, shut up, dude. I would, first off, you know. Dude, can you imagine our builds if we did transition?

It wouldn't, it wouldn't be good for you? First of all, my legs start like mid-chest. Like, and I, you could like, you could pull it off. You could wear like a short skirt. Yeah, but like I also have, I'm just having, I'm like a lanky guy. Yeah. And then also I have like...

You'd be a lanky bitch. I think a six-by-time. Yeah, I transitioned to being a bitch. I'm bitch-sexual. I didn't train... First of all, look, I don't want you to misgender me. I didn't transition to a woman. I transitioned to being a real nasty bitch.

I'm a bitch now. I'm a bitch now. I'm that bitch. Hey, listen, partner. I don't take kindly to being misgendered as a woman. I transition to be a real nasty bitch. A real rodeo type bitch A real buckle bunny

Like fucking Garth Brooks type bitch I think I'm gonna start I'm gonna be one of the bucket bunnies I'm gonna start fucking all the linemen That moved down to post hurricane Florida That dude that seemed That saga was so badass Like yeah

The TikTok women The 19 year old girls who were like yeah I'm fucking these 45 year old dudes Well the funny part for me was the wives that were like, I stand in solidarity with all the lineman wives that are having to go through this difficult time of their husbands going down to Florida to fix all the power lines and having sex with, I guess, all the women who want to fuck linemen, all the women who want to fuck a guy who works for AT&D. It's like, you know, construction workers are there year round. Yeah. I mean, they get a decent amount of play.

I mean, do they? I mean, they do, I guess. I mean, like, those guys always talk about getting pussy, assuming they're telling the truth, but if you guys... Whenever I was working in construction, I was a single man, that was found attractive. But it wasn't like, I don't think they'd want to fuck like the four-foot-tall guys I work with. Yeah, the Guatemalan guys. Well, I'm trying to think about the whole lineman saga. If you guys know what we're talking about, after the hurricane in Florida, there was this, like, pandemic of women on Instagram and TikTok that were like,

your husbands are going to go to Florida to fix power lines, and they're going to get chased down by bucket bunnies, by women who want to fuck guys who work on power lines. I don't even, I didn't even know that was a thing. Is it like a fetish? You want to fuck a guy who, yeah, who, like, works for Team Mobile?

I think it's just there's a bunch of new guys in town. You can fuck one of them, and then he's gone forever. And they're making $33 an hour. Yeah. Which is a lot of money in certain parts of Florida. They'll take you out to Outback. Yeah, they take you out to chedders and eat your pussy in the parking lot.

Yes, sir. For a lot of women who are, A lot of born in Florida women, a lot of Floridian born in, but that's the best night of their fucking lives. Yeah, what more could you ask for? Because you know you're going to get eaten by an alligator or something. Yeah, yeah, you're going to like a snake person. Yeah, or some guy high on meth is going to like gut you.

Yeah. Women get just dragged off in the swamp there. Constantly, dude. Women love to get dragged off into mangrove trees and shit. There's one thing, you know, that I don't understand. understand about the female species is how much they love to get eaten by crocodiles. I don't think I would like that at all.

I don't think so either. I think I would actually. Get eaten by a fucking alligator. That shit would suck dick. They drown you. Rip your arms off from shit. Yeah, I could take an alligator in water. In his home turf?

Yeah, easily. Would you put him in a rear naked choke? Whatever way he death roll that, roll with it. And I'd fucking hit him with multiple strikes to the jaw. I would hit him in his stomach. I would break the alligator. The animal with one of the highest bite forces of the animal kingdom, I'd break his jaw with one punch.

Here's what I'd do. Now you see. He's like this. He's got me like this. Yeah. So he's got my leg. Yeah. He's got your leg.

You do like a wing chunt eat man style combo, like 50 punches in 10 seconds? I would quickly remove all of his teeth from his mouth. Okay. And then I'd put him on my mouth and I'd go, spit him into his eyes. Yeah. I'd say, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, dumbness. And I'd emerge from the lake, wearing his skin as a suit.

Yeah. And then I'd go up there, and all the people in the town would say, God damn, son. Man, let me... That's an ice cold player right there. That's an ice cold, I'm going to get a bucket bunny to come fuck him in his ass. No, I could definitely kill, like, a baby alligator for sure. For sure, you could kill a baby alligator.

Yeah, he could just step on it. I could kill, like, a thousand of those pretty easily. Yeah. And then I could probably kill Like a four foot long crocodile with a shotgun Yeah On land I could kill a bobcat, I think

Yeah Those aren't really that dangerous Those don't I mean I've seen bobcats Yeah Out in the woods in that I could kill a coyote But probably not a pack of them

I don't know If you're getting hunted by coyotes You gotta be fucking starving to death Yeah You gotta be a frail motherfucker To be hunted by They're small, they're like... The size of like, like, uh...

They're like a third of the size of dolly. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They're like a little bigger than cats. They're, like, medium dogs. Yeah, yeah. Dude, where, where the fuck are you at? You're getting stalked down by a pack of coyotes?

You're like in the suburbs of, like, Granbury, Texas. If your man is getting hunted by coyotes, that's your girlfriend. If your man's getting stalked by bobcats, that's your girlfriend. And wolves, you know, I don't think wolves generally know not to fuck. with adults in most settings I don't know about that Timberwolves are bigger than fuck No I mean they can

They can kill you for sure Yeah But usually closer to like residential areas You mostly got to watch out for kids Yeah I like those kids Kids love getting eaten I gotta say Do you remember that

That's news story a while back With that two year old got eaten By the alligator No And it was in like a Disney Park or something or Universal Studios I don't remember Caught Lacking

And people were like Well his Mayo ass white dad Ignored the No Walking sign They were in like an area Right outside the park And they're like That's what you get

When your white ass ignores Ignores reading signs I think I would have become like a Like a conservative zoomer I know that I'm 28 Yeah that's a good idea Yeah I think my That's how you get respect

My next move It worked really well for Kanye. I think I'm just going to become like a... You could pull off a Nick Fuentes type thing. I don't think so, man. I have feminine-ass features in my face. Do you think Nick Fuentes does? Yeah, it's a very good point.

He looks like a woman fox. Yeah, he does look very... He looks like a Zootopia type animal. Yeah. He does kind of look like the bitch from Zootopia. He looks like he'd have a really sexy persona if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. He'd be like a hot, like a Lola Bunny type or something.

Yeah, that's a good point. I don't think I could... I mean, there are reasons I don't think I could pull it off because of, like, my own personal politics, but... Yeah, I think it... I mean, pivoting is never out of the question, but I think you'd need to... I'd have to change the way, like, I dress and shit, and I am. Actually, I don't know. You could start wearing suits with, like, your vans.

Yeah, that's an exact look. That's like a baked Alaska type, right? Yeah, and then you could start... You could start secretly taking it in the ass. Yeah, that would... It seems to be... Right up their alley. Yeah.

Nothing wrong with that, by the way, but it's funny to do it when you're a Nazi. Yeah, it is funny to be like a... If you're a regular guy, it's kind of like... Regular Nazis are a dime a dozen. If you're a Nazi who also, like, gets pounded out and shit, that's pretty funny. You look how fucking big this knuckle is.

Which isn't this one? Yeah. It's all scar tissue in there. That's pretty cool. Yeah, no, it hurts. It's fucked up That's okay You know

Sometimes you just fucking Cut your body open A lot And then you just don't Really take care of it It's got tissue That I wish you saw Hanging out

With my My grandpa My grandpa Fought in World War II And he shot some japs And he shot some Japanese guys and girls And he shot some Japanese

Pee's people too I'm making a cassidya cheese yummy yum tortilla cheese butter butter yep

with the birds share this a lonely review large sandwich that I wish you ate yum yum and it's on your plate with some fries and some lettuce and garnishing I drink a beer with my turkey sandwich

Miller Light Please, that's my dad's favorite beer Would you rather get mauled by an axe And survive Or Would you rather get a train run on you By the entire Dallas Cowboys roster And then have your skin peeled off

And fed to a bear in front of you And then you get fucked with the knife strapped to Ellen DeGeneres' crotch, but she's not controlling it. They've got her hooked up to a machine that sends electronic signals to make her muscles move and contract in demonic ways. And then after that, an alien comes and he fucks you to death, and then your whole body gets turned into paste,

and I have to drink it. You had me sold at the Dallas Cowboys roster? Okay. I think I'll take that one. was hoping you were going to say the other one because with that mauling it was just going to hit you in the in the foot you were going to

you just described my basically my the other option was not only do I get raped my soul gets destroyed yeah it's a total destruction of my physical and spiritual body I probably should have described it better by mall I kind of he wasn't going to hit you yeah he was it was going to be at a mall meet me at the mall

We got downs Shardy said Can we get married at the mall? I said, girl It closed down Nobody goes to the mall No more, you stupid bitch I said girl I'd like to play basketball

You could meet me at the Basketball Corps And I could show you How to play horse Yeah, motherfucker You know we in this bitch We grind it. We're still getting it.

We off the motherfucking fig and apple. It's so nice. Fig, apple, Red Bull, and dragon fruit flavored veloed nicotine pouches. Yes, sir. That makes somebody real fucking horny. Yeah. Welcome to, hey, if you out there and you feel like lonely and you feel like you've been atomized by the economy and you feel like lonely in your life and you feel like society's turn us back on you, all you really need to. to do is go out

it's super easy especially when Texas you need to buy a good good gun and you need to get a level 3A body armor I'm the voices in your head I'm telling you to do bad stuff

I'm telling you to do the things that you thought were never possible but you must make the world right I wonder if like when the CIA beams stuff into guys' heads to make them do mass shootings I wonder what voice it's in I'd like to think it's like

like the damn son where'd you find this but it's like go shoot up synagogue, you know what I'm saying? Hey, it's me, your friend, Mickey Mouse. Hey, it's, it's the, it's the voice in your head telling you to go. Check your backpack. Check your backpack, buddy.

Check your backpack, I slip something in there. I slipped it, it's a, it's a Glock 9 with a switch on it. Stephen, go up to your hotel room like normal. Stephen, it's me. There's shrimp buffet. A shrimp buffet for you. You can get sushi copped for free. And your stolen Asian wife.

You can get 900 rounds of ammunition every step you fucking. take you could take 250 pounds of ammunition up 10 flights of stairs yes and we've got 15 Asian girls up there for you to molest I'm just kidding I don't want to send any bad accusations towards Stephen Paddock I don't know if he did any of that stuff you know I you know there's a lot of stuff we don't know um he could have just hated country music I don't uh it is people obviously it's fun to take that conspiracy theory you know down the rabbit hole and you will never really know but i do think it doesn't help that his brother was like hey man that guy would never do anything like this and literally the next

day they found like 10 terabytes of child porn on his computer like he was an interview which was running like windows 95 yeah dude like yeah he had like a laptop like mine maybe has like like 50 gigabytes of memory and they're like yeah i found a hard drive like literally 10,000 hours of the worst shit you've ever seen and he was but like the day before he was like my brother had a gambling problem but like he he wasn't a murderer he was just like a nice guy he just kind of gambled too much imagine you're trying to look up your child porn and the paper clip icon keeps coming up it keeps glitching out it keeps crashing on ms paint and you're like oh yeah i might doodle a little bit before

here's a nice flower I always do the doing the sun in the corner where it's like at the angle It's like the oval That's like This is nice What was I doing?

I was trying to watch Child pornography Yeah The creative pedophile Yeah You know We think our equipment Child porn that I wish you watched

You know We think our equipment runs slow Imagine if we had fucking all that stuff on it It'd be super slow probably but we don't so that's good

it's good it's good that we're not pedophiles it's probably yeah I love not being a pedophile dude it's like

it's so easy to not be one I do I stress so much about my life if dude if I was a petophile it would be

fucking terrible I feel like I'm just trying to get my plants to not die yeah I'm trying to like lose a little bit

of weight before I go traveling you know yeah it's so Jake's going on a circus trip Where he gets shot out of a cannon

And he has to fit in the can I have to be 115 pounds Yeah he has to cut down to 20 pounds I got to become like a Filipino twink To fit in the cannon Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah you know One of the One of the things that I pride myself on Is not being attracted to children It's really easy to do Ever since I've known Jake He's Out of all my friends

He's the least attracted To teenage children Teenage children. Yeah, that's my, that's my, I'm gonna join I'm gonna join a third emo band called Teenage Children. Hey guys, we're teenage children. We just released a new album called Wollipop Life. Yeah, it's about turning 40.

It's about turning 40. Do you remember one of the first, it's one of the funniest things you've ever said to me? I don't know if it was on an episode or if it was when we were doing our like Zoom hangs. but it was pretty early on in our like doing this you were like so you like do stand up and you play in an emo band I bet you met a lot of pedophiles It's very funny

I was like oh god damn it No listen you know The genre gets a bad rap For right reasons Mostly how the music sounds Mostly how the music sounds It's funny because like I don't we just

we got signed to the I wouldn't even really call us like an emo band it's just kind of like I don't know it's like I don't know what it is but

um rock and roll baby I will play with we will play shows with people dude like bands and it is like we've been on bills and I'm like

sitting in the audience and I'm like I'm gonna be a good you know I'm gonna be a good like band member and I'm gonna listen to these other bands

and it's literally this shit that's like some like like dude in the mid 20s late 20s or like there's like when you told me that your dad left

I was like it's probably easier to have sex like it's just like the lyrics I'm like come on dude you're man you're making us all look bad what is that a fucking is that a milwaukee is that a when I bring you a smoothie

to help with your homework Fuck Fuck school I'm 33 And I still sing about Trigonometry And making out When are you gonna

Get your learners Permit So you can drive this time To the beach Um It's not any better than There's a lot of like Me and my buddy used to call it Horny Blues Rock

It's really popular in Austin We're like a guy and like club masters with like a like a half buttoned like golf shirt uh like a flowy kind of thing we'll be playing like blues chords like boom down boom down boom dun dun and it's like yo like like a white dude but he's trying to do like uh like kind of like black like b b king voice and he's like when you're unaware it smell like jack daniels like shit like i'm not kidding dude like it's all shit like that and these guys make like so much money It's such a big genre

With your pussy It's starting to smell Lord I get all up in there And I go Like a whale I goop like a sperm whale Yeah I got that

motherfucking The stuff they use To filter out the plankton The stuff It's like a baline type filtering system The baile Bayleen

Yeah, baline With my Spray cream All on your Banan-na-na-na-na-na-na-m I might fuck you in your ass After you get out of class Baran-na-na-na-o-na-and-you must suck on my dick

Burn-na-na-na-goddha-goddha-g. God-dain-ha-ha-ha- I'm 33 Bar-bran-na-na-na-k got two bum-needs I take her to school Banan-na-na-na-na-na. After what, we're breaking the rules. I'd pick her up in my truck. She's too old to fuck.

Banana, nah, nah, now. She's 18. I need some pubic cream. Banana. Don't do-dun-dun-d-da-na-dun-da-dun-da-dun-da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Banana-na-na-na-a-na-na--------. I'm going to jail. Oh, well.

I'm an effiebeophile All my people are It's different than pedophile Gride a book I swear I'm not a pedophile You got to get it right You gotta get it right Bearnaner na nana

Readin O'Barlatsky Don't get me right They have to be between 15 and 17 That's not a child In a lot of countries It's still cool Burned na na na na nah nah Fuck

Dude Dude Dude Dude I love that argument I fucking I don't know if I I got to tell you this

I went back home a long time ago Back like 1700s No I was like back home And it was a guy that I was friends with for a while in high school And I think I was probably 24 work and we were both single and our friend has gotten like like a long-term relationship they just

sold like the three anniversary and he was like man I you know I'm glad I'm not single anymore I'm fucking dating apps or whatever and and we started talking about like you know what's like what are your like I was like I don't mean I'm 24 like I don't want to date anybody younger than like 21 or 22 so probably like 21 but yeah and a guy that I had known like I wouldn't call his friends but we were chill like I never saw the guy but I'd seen he was like oh yeah keep it at 18 and he was two years older than me probably like 26 27 the time I was like 18

he was like yeah you know it's fine you just having sex with him you're not dating him and I was like like like wait you're fuck with me right he's like no man it's fine we got into like a shouting match over this I was like dude

you can't be doing that he's like it's legal to do it I was like everybody's starting to look over at us and I was like it was one of those conversations you're like if I don't get out of here I'm gonna end up with the news I gotta get the fuck out of here

I never talk to that guy again I was just every now and then like I'll be at a bar and I'll see him and he's like this and I'm like this is one of those like man I don't think uh like is that the hill you if you hold that belief I think that's something that you keep like right here

you're gonna die on that hill I have that in my chest now yeah five a feeb file banana now it's not the same I think there's like a type of guy certainly it's like big in the trad online community

it's like it's actually normal to only like one to lust after like an 18 year and I'm like is that is that a part of the political culture of that world like the trad thing like I understand like I do understand like the conservative aspect of it like you're just like a Republican basically but like you go down the rabbit holes of these guys Twitter accounts and on the Reddits and stuff

and it's like yeah it's guys 18 19 or 20 at the most and I'm like that doesn't have anything to do with like small government you know like or like Christian like Judeo Christian values I guess it's like that's just weird

yeah they're like oh well that's when they're the most fertile I'm like that so you can breed so you can make I love breeding so you can make more guys that work at Jiffy Loob

That's how I can fucking breathe So I can breed I can breed more I want to have sex with a girl Who still likes volleyball I want to have sex with a girl Who watched Invaders Zim a lot I want to have sex with a girl

Who's still on her dad's car and shirt Yeah I want to fuck I want to fuck a girl who's got a Pinterest wedding board You need to fucking girl Who has an Etsy shop Oh god I want to have sex with a girl Who still has squish mellows I want to have sex in a dorm so bad

I want to fuck god I want to get pussy in a dorm with a hairy styles poster above the bed oh my god i want to have sex in a single bed i want to have sex yeah i want to have a section of fucking twid-sized mattress in a really hot dorm oh god with a weird tapestry i keep trying not to look at it yeah when her roommates out studying for fucking economics one oh god there's cucumber water sitting on top of the fridge it's not refrigerated i want to get my dick sucked by a girl who has beth bad and body works uh facial cleansers uh she doesn't have her skincare regimen down. Yeah, and it's literally

what her mom got her for going the way to college. He's using toner. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I want to get my dick sucked by a girl who's taking rhetoric and composition one. I love fucking a girl who has invisaline. Oh, my God. I need to fuck a girl who's just now

reading of mice and men as an educational requirement. I need a girl who's going to show me Tim and Eric show. She thinks I haven't seen it. I want to, I got to have sex with a girl who listens to the garden I want to have sex with a girl

who shows me pulp fiction she wants to show me my year of rest and relaxation oh god I got a fuck a girl who's in her pride and prejudice era like her like independent girl era oh god I want a funny girl who thinks that Julia Roberts was born in the 18th century I want to fuck a girl who read about 9-11

and didn't experience it I want to fuck a girl who listens to Yeat She says stuff like Riz and Yeat bell I wouldn't have sex while the streamer is on the TV I want to have Yeah I want to fuck a girl who knows who destiny is I want to fuck while Asan Piker talks in the background I want to get pussy for a girl's biggest crush as Hassan Piker

Oh God I want to fuck a son Piker This whole time I've just wanted to What do they have sex with Asad Piper? I'm fucking a Sondpiker in the head. Hassan, if you're listening this, can you Venmo me $1,000? You make so much fucking money, I don't understand it.

I'm sorry, I called you a pedophile for two years. You seem actually like a nice guy, for the most part. I don't really know anything about you. Is that video of you slapping a girl a bunch of years ago real? I didn't know about that. I don't think it was Asan. I think of just a bunch of right-winger said it was him, but it didn't kind of look like him.

A lot of Turkish guys look like that. No, it's awful. That video was not a sound I literally just said that I don't want to start anything He was thinking of Dave Portney Yeah, Dave Portnoy is Turkish I want to get pussy from a girl

Who listens to call me daddy Oh God I think it's call her daddy Oh yeah, call somebody daddy I want to get pussy from a girl Who's still kind of Catholic by guilt I want to pussy from a girl Who thinks an elk boys are hot

I want to get pussy from a girl who knows who Andrew Tate is and has an opinion on him that's legitimate I want a fucking girl who thinks that the Quentin Tarantino is problematic I want to fuck a girl who watches that Lizzo Welcome to the Big Girl show on Amazon Prime I want a blow job

I want to get my dick sucked by a fucking rim job I want to reach a round hand job I want to get my ass eaten by a girl who loves Taylor Swift I would have bust a load into a fireplace to my baby's on fire I want to get pussy from a girl who rides a bird scooter in the class I want to fucking girl who has that weird

Kiyomte on a raven backpack that they sell it urban outfits I want to fuck a girl who owns a BTS album on vinyl Oh my god I want to get pussy from a girl who's on three different SSRIs How did this start?

These are right-wingers? I don't know. I don't know. I don't have sex with a spider. I want to get pussy from a... I'm a Nazi, but I want to have sex with an Australian fimb boy. That. I want to have sex with a toad.

I want to have sex with an African cane toad. I want to have sex with a chair. I have sex with a lamp. I'm so horny I would have sex with her hand Oh, is this Asa Piker again, fuck I keep having sex with Renowned political commentator

It's Sond Piker, but I don't know about renown He makes like $2 million a month More like pronoun More like Yeah, sir Yes sir Talk that talk player

Talk that shit, playboy Asan if you're listening You're on fucking notice, bitch Again, I'm pretty sure You're a pretty cool guy, but I don't fucking know, bitch. What are you? I want to have sex with the girls. Renowned?

More like pronown. I have sex with a girl who hates that joke. Yeah. That's when, yeah, I'm not pronoun. I'm renowned. How about that? You like that shit? Oh, you think you're getting me with those pronoun jokes?

Well, jokes on you because I'm renown. How about no, no mound? And you just shave the pussy clean off and kick her in the head. How about that? I want to have sex with a girl who ain't got nothing. No belongings. No traits. I want to add six with a whiteboard.

I'm tap it out. I'm tap it out. I'm tap it. Fuck. I want to have sex with a primordial. form. I want to have sex with ooze. Yeah, I want to have fucking sex with sludge.

I want to fuck just a green slime. I want to get pussy from a girl who doesn't exist yet. That's so much of a pedophile. I want a prehistoric zygote. A guy who's so much of a pedophile, he wants to fuck the idea of a person who's yet to be. He's just jacking off on another

guy's sperm. It's like trying to bust on another guy's nuts. He's not gay. He's like an extreme pedipop. Oh my God. I mean, Shaver pussy off and kick her in that.

What about no mound? Oh my God, dude. Fuck. My stomach hurts. Oh, Jesus Christ.

God is good. God is good. Hey, al-hambulah. What is that one mean? I think it, I think it means something like God is good.

Oh, it does. I knew allah bar, man, I thought that was like glory-do, God. It might be the same shit. Yes, sir. Okay. Feeling like strawberries, because my bread's short.

I'll need cap a downmation for a new port. Kidnapped 25 Haitians at a huge port. If you owe me money, what's your granny on a cruise for? Toot park Wait, let me back pedal then Mood real smooth Cause my shooter on estrogen Old neighbor broke his hip

I'm stealing all the medicine If my son's gay I'm gonna send him to the regiment Yeah, send his white ass to Kuwait I cannot drink caffeine if it's too late All my boy's fertile as hell Might make you gestate I just shot a worm in the chest

That's a cold case That's a cold case That's a cold case Oh baby girl, let me see Strug on in Strug on in I'm singing for you, baby Yeah, sir

You done? Yeah, I'm done I'm not doing that one I kind of have the cans I said pooh, poop, poop, pee, yes I do, that's what I like when I eat some glue Yes sir

What we hear for You know, I'm here to get a little queer for My friend Jake I just baked him a cake Then we went right to where we make Our crazy songs with all of the music Then I just bought a dog to kick it into music Then I lose it

Throw it at the motherfucker window And I'm driving an 18 wheeler off the fucking Benzo Do you know me and I put myself in the friend zone I can't jack off I don't want to go that far Till I'm married to myself bitch Yeah feeling a little bit selfish. Yeah. I might steal

your motherfucking groceries. Yeah. That's the realest shit you ever heard. Yeah, I probably should have given you the can.