Pendejo Time - fuc

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

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I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine. I got a love, I know that it's all mine, oh. That was beautiful. Thanks, man. I've been working on my tunes. I've decided that I want to be on America's Got Talent, but I don't know, you know, I'm trying to figure out what my talent is. I'm really good at making myself mad, trying to figure out what my talent is i'm really good at making myself mad and uh and i'm really really good at uh not doing my dishes so i think if i can combine those two somehow into it could

really lead somewhere yeah you know they should have a show all of those shows um like the reality shows because i think i don't know if it's just like an american thing everybody's like my dad he uh he burnt my mom up with a blow torch and then he you know cut one of my legs off and i'm just here on dream on a whim and they're really talented but you never get a guy who who who's in the running to win who's like, yeah, my life has just been really good. I've had no problems in my life. I don't know if it's because everything has to be trauma porn on reality TV, especially competition shows.

Everything has to be that way. So I need to come up with a story about how my life was bad. It was pretty normal and good. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be hard for someone as privileged as you to, to claim you actually went through some real trauma, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You fucking pussy. Go back to, go back to your palace in pasadena texas yeah dude uh i think i told you this but i i got really nostalgic the other day and by the other day i the other day i get it from my dad could mean yesterday or like nine years ago this

was like five or six months ago i was in an old neighborhood and i i drove through the uh trailer park that i grew up in uh just just just to check in on it you know like we weren't there for a long time but it's just when i was like real little maybe like five six and uh dude the the lot that where the trailer that i used to live in uh bro my the trailer that i lived in wasn't there anymore it was like a double wide with a wraparound porch and like a tv with like an awning they had a full-blown like deck and i was like dude if i would have had a setup like this i would not have been ashamed to like have lived in there like it was a sick setup dude i'm like thinking now i'm like dude if i could just get one of these,

like how the, I'm not talking about the kind that I, that I was in when I was a kid, I'm talking about like one like this, I'm talking to complete wraparound porch. That's like on stilts. You have the outdoor TV patio furniture and you know, big yard.

Like this thing was legit. I told my mom, I was like, you know, if you would have just had something like this, you know, I don't know what your broke ass was doing, but we had the, you know, big yard. Like, this thing was legit. I told my mom, I was like, you know, if you would have just had something like this, you know, I don't know what your broke ass was doing, but we had the, you know, the fucking single wide setup. I'm talking double triple.

Pimped out double wide is honestly respectable. Dude, me and Ashley talked about it. Like, I want to eventually, like, when I'm older, like, ideally Montana is where I end up. I want that. It's so fucking pretty there. Yeah, I hope you do. Yeah, I do too.

But way later down the line. But I was like, well, would I build a house out there in the middle of fucking nowhere? And she was like, no, just get a double wide and drop it in the middle of the fucking woods. And I was like, dude, honestly, when was like in high school and college i was like i want to live in the city i want to be a city cat i want to have the nice loft or whatever and the older that i get the more that i'm like no you're lying to yourself you're fucking trash dude you just need to be out in the middle of fucking nowhere with a fucking trailer like it and make it nice you know get it get a satellite t a satellite like hanging off the side of it get

an outdoor tv but like that sounds dope couple animals a fucking goat only thing is you know if you want wings yeah that's what i was saying is it's like you get to fuck off from everybody then your closest neighbor is a guy who sometimes maybe on accident fires like a 12 gauge but he lives like 40 miles so all you hear is like you know like he is you know but yeah there's no cvs there's no like vape store yeah you gotta start like uh having uh you know the pony express or whatever montana uses yeah you know drop off like 100 pounds of tobacco at the beginning of the year. Yeah.

And then you just start, I guess you just roll your own vapes. I don't know how that works. Yeah, I'm like, I'm driving like 95 miles into Helene or Poseman, and I'm like, okay, I need like, do you guys do juice by the gallon? I'm going to need an oil drum full of Starburst Mint Ninja or whatever the fuck y'all call it i'm gonna need uh six to ten pounds of kratom i'm gonna need about i'm just i'm like at a general store there's just some old fat guy behind the counter like it's for some reason like

a wild west yeah yes exactly and it's next to a 7-eleleven. Yeah, I put one big gold coin down, and I'm like, I need 10 pounds of Kratom. I need 150,000 chicken wings. I need an oil drum of menthol fruit vape juice. I'm going to need 500 Miller High Life, the big cans, 32 ounces. I'm going to need, and the guy's like, sir sir we sell like feed here and i'm like i understand but this is what i need and now i'm a member of your community and so i need you to come through for me on this you're gonna be like uh those those african women who have to like carry the water on their heads except you're just you've got like a five gallon jug of like strawberry

cheesecake vape juice and you're taking it back to your double wide yeah yeah the the nicotine is like leaking out and like burning the back of my neck dude yeah you're like starting to see demons yeah like your heart rate is either like three beats per minute or like 300 yeah my blood pressure is just dude i didn't know um so apparently it's supposed to be outlawed now but when i first moved to austin there's these places that i still go but they don't do this anymore it's called create a sig and they had like complete they had like a lab back there or like a lab the guys that were working there were you know like your old like your friend's older brother from back home that's

like tells you about like alex jones and stuff and like pyramids and shit and i would see him mix the juice with like big gloves on like lab gloves and i was like hey why do you guys have to do that and he's like oh so like if i were to drop like a little bit of this on my skin it would burn a lot and i would probably pass out and maybe die probably not die but i would pass out and i'm like why and he's like oh because it's like hyper concentrated to the point where it would be like if i smoked like a thousand cigarettes in one sitting and i was like that's sick i breathe that in and he's like yeah and i was like dope i'm not gonna stop by the way i just didn't need to see this part of the process like because you know if i give you twenty 20 and you give me some juice

it's just juice that i inhale i don't really think about it but if you have to put on like a full hazmat suit to like mix this shit like i don't really like i don't want to see that but it's like making sausages i don't need to see like toes and assholes and ears that go into making it or whatever yeah i uh i was i saw this guy on on reddit who uh i forget i forget what the component is of vape juice like there's there's a big community of guys who uh like brew their own vape juices at home yeah and uh the stuff that makes things like like icy or whatever, like that feeling, some guys like to, like, add it to vape juices or whatever. I don't know what it's called because, like, you know,

I'm not really into that stuff, but it's nice to sort of pretend I'm better than these people. So this guy was like, yeah, you know, I've been adding more and more to my juice lately, and I just wanted to see what it was like to just drop some on my tongue. And within, like, 30 minutes, like, his entire jaw was just, like, locked in place or whatever. Like, he was like, yeah, it's like a – it was, like, chilling, but it was like if you put, like, coolant or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

But that stuff i i bought a little bottle of that uh what's it called there's well the one that i got was like this big and uh it was a it was just called menthol additive and it was a black little bottle it's probably really good for my lungs and it was clearly like it had like japanese symbols or something on the fucking thing and i got it from the same store i was just talking about and the guy was like i was like yeah i mean i like really cold like menthol so can i just put this in my tank and he was like don't and i was like is this like a don't like it might be bad or like a don't i'm gonna die because those are two very different things if somebody tells me don't do it and I think it's just only going to kind of hurt

or be kind of bad, I'm going to do it. But there's a type of don't that's like you might not be alive anymore. And I was like, what do you mean by that? And he basically told me a similar story where a guy had one of those big fucked up mods and just doused his cotton wicks in menthol and inhaled it and his lungs sp like lungs spasmed like it like

i don't know what happened but he had to go to the hospital because he like wasn't getting oxygen he like gave himself pneumonia or something like his lungs like and i was like oh so a little bit right and he's like what it's like a little bit it should be fine he's like dude do what the fuck you want i'm just letting you know that like if, if, and of course, like, you know, the kind of guy I am. I went home and did, like, half of it in half. And it was pretty cold. And it hurt. And I was struggling to do treadmills.

But, like, you got to live on the edge. You can't live in fear. Like, this is why, like, I don't agree. Like, I'm not getting the vaccine. Like, you know, like, I've been walking around places without masks. I've had COVID, like, two or three times and it's just like it's fine like i i i think me and you might we might go different ways on this issue but you know i i think the vaccine um is like gene therapy uh yeah yeah dude i uh i will be like eavesdropping on conversations at the gym.

A lot of the guys at this specific gym I train at is a franchise. They got them all over the world. It's a jiu-jitsu gym. It's a really good... Well, I'm saying there's a certain type of guy that's like... Yeah, I go to Gold's, not to Breyer. I go to Gold's. I go to the Walmart of working out.

Kind of world-renowned. Yeah. No, I've just been like, they attract a certain type of guy that exists all over the world. Yeah. And this type of guy is like, I was complaining about, I have a torn AC joint that I can't afford to get surgery on, and I tore my labrum and my rotator cuff like 12 years ago, and I tear it like once or twice a year again and i can't work out for six weeks and i was talking to a guy about this and he's like yeah man um you know

it's not really a big deal you like you can't afford surgery and like the physical therapy because like if you just have like some uh like ashwagandha and like wish hazel like it's it's the male version of like uh like astrology like a lot of these guys are like eastern medicine holistic guys that are like a new herb will come out it's like 4 000 years old but it'll just pop up and they'll be like yeah bro i use ashwagandha for anything from muscle cramps to like libido increase like um i've been using like Maca root and also like Like Oxycontin Yeah

I can really tell the Maca root Is making a difference dude Like I used to have Rectals functions till I started Like drinking a lot of like green tea And like Ginger and then like Like ate Cialis every like Two ginger and then like uh like eight cialis every like two hours and dude like that

ginger it gives you like a fucking dude your your libido is fucking crazy with that these guys like a lot of them are in super super great shape like they're super like sinewy like not big but just like jujitsu guys like they're just kind like, so maybe there is something to it, but I also think a lot of them, to your point, like a lot of them I think are just on gear, like not gear that makes you bigger, but I think a lot of them are on like performance based shit, like SARMs or something that like just cuts you the fuck up, you know?

Cause like they're like, uh, obviously they're like, you know, peak, peak of their life athletes. Some of them are older so it's like well how do you get down and maintain like four percent body fat and they're like oh you know it's like you're just eating healthy a lot of supplements meditation uh getting sleep yeah you're gonna want to get you're gonna want to take rad 140 you're gonna want to make sure you know and it's like i don't they've never copped to it but i always part of me believes maybe i'm just fooling myself that like a lot of these guys just that's like their way of being like yeah i'm not on i'm not on gear or cut it like i'm not using something to cut the best is whenever like bodybuilders i'm not i'm obviously not against

bodybuilders using peds no i don, I don't give a fuck at all. You literally have to if you're not in a certain division. But whenever they like, they have to say they're natural to keep their sponsorships, right? Right, right, right, yeah. Do you know who Andrew Jacked is? No, no, no, no. He's, you know Larry Wheels? Yes.

On Instagram? Yeah. He works out with Larry Wheels, but he's like this huge dude uh and he he's got dude he's like he went to i don't know if he went to mr olympia i think he actually just went pro but he's like you know those guys who uh like if you're like have like two million followers on instagram or whatever and you're a bodybuilder, you're going to get better exposure for bigger shows pretty quick. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. And his shoulders, like dude, he weighs like, he might cut to like 305 or whatever.

He's fucking huge. Shredded as fuck. I'll send you one of his posts or whatever. I'll send you one of his posts or whatever. But he says that his secret for his shoulders, which are, like, fucking, like, insanely massive. He's got, like, basketballs in there. He's like, yeah, my arms are really big because I hit rear deltoid before I do the rest of the shoulder. And I'm like, that's cool, man.

And targeting rear deltoid does help you get a rounder shoulder. If you're not on gear and you want a rounder, more bolder shoulder, that's your best route. However, if you have like the rock of Gibraltar in your arm and it's at like 2.7 2.7 percent body fat uh come on man yeah i mean like there's something to be said about there's a guy i follow on a tiktok and instagram he does like really funny like natty or not like he takes guys like c-bum or whatever that are like they've been open about being on juice and it's like uh yeah this guy's totally natty you're gonna see insane vascularity in his legs uh he's super dehydrated which is always really really good for you he's just like he

takes these guys that are like you know like like bodybuilding powerlifting professionals and guys that are obviously on juice they're open about being juice and he also does real ones though and uh he will talk like he will take these guys and like that swear up and down their natural talk like he will take these guys and like that swear up and down their natural and then be like look i've taken gear i've given people gear like i have worked with doctors and i have worked with doctors who work with power lifters and bodybuilders and professionals like this motherfuckers on juice and then they'll like reply to his video with a video of them doing poses and it's like this is a natural body but their waist is like it's like one of the signs is like you have a v-taper that's like if you were to jump off a mountain you would do the like squirrel suit

glide like your lats are like like you don't get that way like like you like if you're 6'3 and you're cutting to like 290 like that's not you know like like if you're 6'3 and you're cutting to, like, 290, like, that's not, you know, like. Like, if you're 6'3 cutting to 290, you're, like, a linebacker who just blew his knee out. Yeah. You're not, like, you're not, like, fuck, dude, I got to get back to my ice skater physique or whatever. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there are people, like like guys like naganu who are like okay like this guy is just there are people on planet earth that are just like like a lot of

african dudes are like like the guys guys who are built like in ganu who are just like like genetically just uh be careful here no okay i'm not gonna tread carefully because i'm not being weird about it but i know i'm fucking it's it's it's uh it's just interesting how like i don't know uh you don't see that in like you don't see random white guys who are like just can be that shredded and you're like oh god what gear are you on because i would because like i'm like if i took if i was on if i stacked like trend deca when you know i'm on i'm on test i'm on everything i would look like two percent that good working out yeah yeah i know i see what you're like what do you do and they're like

i work i work for ups i'm like fuck all right it is like and they're saying. And you're like, what do you do? And they're like, I work for UPS. I'm like, fuck! All right. And they're not even lying. It's like, okay, well. Yeah, like there's a UFC fighter who is like 6'4 and fights at 155, and he's like yolked. He's not even one of those weird-looking like real thin dudes. It's like, okay, this guy fights in the UFC, but like I have worked with guys like construction

or like you know like like home remodeling where it's like it's like man where do you work out like you know like we're talking like oh you're hitting the gym that's cool man i'm like oh yeah where do you work out it's like i do this it's like they don't they're not even farmer jack they're just like yoked as fuck yeah they're like they have like shoulder vascularity yeah and not in the way where it's like knotted to where, you know, they're on gear. It's like, it looks good. Yeah. All right, man.

Like, this is okay. Whatever. Well, I think like, I don't know, like there was, I don't know. It's, it's, it's, it's a weird thing to like tread down but you know like there was like a thing where like selective breeding was fucking like existed during you know like like 150 years ago like they were doing that shit like for like fight like you know like fighting and like stuff like that like and just to make like bigger yeah there was a lot of fighting going on back then yeah i'm trying to be i'm trying to be i'm trying to meander around the point I'm making, but it's, anyway, I'm trying to.

You were saying that, you were saying that, like, during slavery. They did selective breeding. Yeah. With slaves to make them more jacked. It's okay to say that. You didn't do it directly. Yeah, but it could be misconstrued, you know, people are weird. Yeah, people really think that Jake had slaves.

Not me, motherfucker. I'm just saying I condoned and endorsed this process. Oh, yeah. People really are going to get on your ass about having slaves. Yeah. No, I'm just saying, like, they did do that. So maybe that is, like, an explanation for, you know. But I want to.

That's not one of the more heinous things they did you know yeah i guess oh no you made the ufc better like 180 years later you're like yeah because like dana white would be doing that he probably is doing that Dude, he's got just like blacked out windows, just Hummer H2s just going around like down dirt roads just finding boys and just, you know. He just finds every 12-year-old that's 6'1". He's in like a souped-up G-Wagon in the brush with a fucking machete. He's like, how old are you? He's like a a fucking machete. He's like, how old are you?

He's like a cheetah. Yeah. Like, how old are you? They're like 13. And he's like, all right. Okay. Here's what we're going to do. Can you...

You're going to be 19. All right. And he's like, what? And he's like, you're going to come... We're going to put you on this bus. Yeah, Francis Ngannou is nine years old. Dude, old dude that would be people don't know that like i'm trying to imagine like dana white like he has this thing called the contender series where like he goes to the smaller promotions like legacy in houston or fury or whatever and he watches like amateur

usually pro fights uh well this is this was looking for a fight now it's a contender series where he takes these guys from these small ones and he gives them a shot, title, whatever. It's like reality TV. But he's like, you know, just backwoods somewhere. It's like a dirt ring. And he's like, okay, so the winner gets, you know, $150,000 and you're going to be a UFC fighter. And they're like, all right, what happens to the loser? And he's like, don't worry about it. A bunch of billionaires are just like sitting around just kind of like fanning themselves.

No, what happens to the loser? And he's like, it's not really important. Do you plan on losing? That's how you're going into it? It's not looking great for you. Wait, hold on. Who are you? It's not important who I am.

He's got like a fake mustache on. Yeah, yeah. And otherwise, it's entirely Dana White. He's all red. Yeah. Yeah, just like in the really tight like medium like athlete like Gymshark. That would be the funniest Street Beefs cameo possible. Oh, my.

Yeah. It's like this is Lil Bucky versus Timmy the Shredder. Dude, their names get me so fucking crazy. It's like a 90-pound pill head versus just like a 400-pound guy who looks like T-Pain. Yeah, dude, those are the – And then Dana White's in the background smoking a cigar, and then both of the white trash families are just you know jeering the whole time he's like i'm just you know it's important with fighting to you know to look deeper than just the superstars you know yeah because you know you look at that too long you lose sight of what of what this sport

really is and then you're looking like behind his his back he's got just like a harpoon gun yeah he's got like rhino tranquilizer yeah dude the those fights are the best where it's like you can't tell whose nickname is attributed to who but it is an 80 pound like pill head who steals copper wire and then like a 6'6 like 305 longshoreman black dude but their names are like we got teenyy and Pillhead Mike, and you're like Who's who? We got Tonko and Greg the fucker Yeah

Over here in the blue corner We got Jimbo The slicer, and then we got Big fuck, alright We're gonna run it back, this is their 19th fight in two weeks, these guys can't Seem to get along. And then it cuts to them, and they're like, what's your beef with Big Fucker, the jumbo killer?

And it's like, Big Fucker, the jumbo killer, he laid me off at the shore. And now I don't got no union job no more. It cuts to other guys. What's your beef with the shredder? And he's like, I had some pills, and shredder came over, and now I don't got none no more. It's like, all right, well, y'all are going to settle this. By the way, what was that? We talked about this already.

Their one sponsor is like a VPN eraser. Yeah, it's like don't let your past haunt you. Yeah, we've talked about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I don't want to go back down the road, but it's clear who that's for. Like it's not, you know. Did I ever talk about the one where it's like, like one guy like fucks the other's girlfriend or whatever, and then they like both like barely even hit each other?

Like, there's no like malice, but like they're talking shit, and then they go at it, and like both of them lose, and then like shake hands, basically. I've seen a couple of those where like the fight's so bad. The ones that are hard to watch, I mean, by hard to watch, I mean it's like both of them lose and then like shake hands basically i've seen a couple of those with like the fights so bad the ones that are hard to watch i mean by hard to watch i mean it's like a car crash where it's like they do have guys on there who are like amateur fighters maybe they got like a two and one record or three and oh they fight they train and they they fight people who've never fought before or like maybe they're like they're, like, a street fighter. Like, maybe they're the guy you don't fuck with at the barbecue or, like, the pub. But they're still, like, not trained fighters. So it's, like, you know, they'll have a guy who's, like, maybe, like, a blue belt.

And, like, he, you know, has had some boxing matches. Versus, like, just a dude who can throw them. But, again, like, the depth of, like, the skill level there is like a fucking ocean so like you know the guy who could just has the one good right hand is throwing that thing and then it like gets kicked in the head and everyone's like and it's like you don't get to be surprised like it was like i mean obviously it's a ko so like yeah that's what everyone came to see it's like a train wreck but people are like whoa did you see that it like, you mean to tell me the guy who's never, like, done a head kick before just got kicked in the head by a guy who head kicks, like, all day?

Or, like, a really nasty submission. It's like a guy who's never done jiu-jitsu or wrestling just got his arm snapped in half by a guy who has been doing it for, like, the last three years. Like, I mean, there's not a lot of observant people in those things. If we start making not great money but just like enough to where we can lose our jobs comfortably i would love to start an illegal fighting ring with you it would be this probably isn't the best place to plan it but uh thankfully

it's not like you know nobody's listening so you know do like an ultimate fighter, but it's just five guys that you know versus five guys that I know. We have to make sure they don't have training. Yeah. And they can't be like particularly physically impressive. No. And you also, if you've ever seen them fight, they can't do it. It just has to be literally like your favorite gas station cashier. Yes. be literally like like your favorite gas station cashier yes and then like uh a guy you're like mutuals with but don't really talk to your favorite bartender but he's not like a bartender

who kicks people out he just makes the best guy your sister has been on two dates with yeah um we we would do a guy at work um yeah yeah we so we have to come up with a name with it I think the ultimate fighter is great we're not going to get sued the ultimate championship of fighting yeah the UCF fighting fighting

fighting ultimately for the championship the fuck the fighting ultimate championship welcome to fuck. Welcome to fuck. I'm your... We have to get a host. And then we're going to get the guy from the UFC.

The main announcer. I don't know his name. Bruce Buffer? Yeah, we're going to get Bruce Buffer. We're going to give him $10 an hour to do those. Right. It's going to work out pretty well because they're like, you know, 20-minute fights at the most. So he's only getting like $3.

It's very funny to me that, like, okay, so Bruce Buffer's been doing that a long time. His brother does it. His older brother does it for boxing. That's, like, all they do. That's all they've ever really done. It's just very funny to me. Do those guys make like incredible bank?

They make fucking insane money, dude. His older brother. They have to at that point because like once you've been doing it for that long, people don't want another. They don't want nobody else. Yeah. Like if you watch like. Like even the fighters, you know.

Yeah. They don't like if you watch Bellator or the, you know? Yeah. They don't like, if you watch Bellator or the other ones, like they don't have like Bruce's contact contract to the UFC and then his brothers contracted through WBC and all of the other ones in Showtime and all the big boxing promotions. So like you, when I watch Bellator or one or like the other smaller promotions,

there's just a guy who's like, he's got a deep voice, you know, but he's like, you know, are you ready? And it's like, bro got a deep voice you know but he's like you know are you ready and it's like bro you're get off of it like don't like where's bruce at because i need like a you know like he fucking sells it but it is like his brother brother's been doing it since like i think the days of like ali and he's been doing it since like the ufc first started so

almost like 30 years so it's funny to me to imagine like, you know, what does your dad do? I mean, that's a cop. No. What about your dad? My dad just,

he's a lawyer. That's cool. What does your dad do? My dad goes, my dad has a deep voice and he goes, I bet you have to warm up for a few, like you got, yeah,

no, no hours. Like you have to do like daily vocal few hours. You have to do daily vocal exercises probably. But I say that like that's that hard to do. You can just yell in your house. Yeah. Imagine you didn't clean your room and Bruce Buffer walks in. Yeah. Imagine Bruce Buffer on his anniversary is like,

Hey, bitch, I was wondering, could I put it in your ass tonight? Let's fuck. You're like, honey, did you take the trash out? You fucking bitch. Bitch. Bitch. If you notice, so he does the announcement, obviously. And then he also does, at the end of the judges' scorecard, win the fights over. Whether it be KO, submission, like, so he does the announcement, obviously. And then he also does like, you know,

at the end of the judge's scorecard, like when the fight's over, whether it be like KO submission decision, whatever, but he wears these like Gaudia, I'm sure they're fucking like tens of thousands of dollars. He dresses to the nines, but he's always got like a nice suit on the fighters. They've just, they don't, they're not thinking. So like, there'll be bloody and sweaty and shit. And like, he'll be standing in the middle and like, it doesn't happen all all the time but some of them will go up to him you know their heart rate's probably like 230 like they're not thinking they'll go to like what's up bruce and he'll have to he'll like shy away and do a little fist bump because it's like this dude has wearing a suit he also like probably just doesn't want to hug like a bloodied up like sweaty grown man but like he'll like kind of like

shy away and be like yeah cool he also probably like has like makeup on his full body yeah yeah no no doubt but like i can't like you know like if a guy who could kill me is like hey bro bring it in like just to be like no like obviously the guy's not gonna punch bruce buffer but you know bruce is like hey bro this is like a $12,000 suit. So, you can go over there. Like, I mean, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking, honestly. But, like, don't touch me. I'm going to apply.

See if they'll let me do his job instead. The UFC has, like, on Indeed is, like, Bruce Buffer. I'm going to just talk normal. All right, guys. We got a good, cool. It's like Tyson Fury or somebody's fighting. Yeah. All right, guys.

We got Tyson Fury here. Wow. That's crazy. This is going to be round one. And let's go. You know. The crowd is just dead silent for, like, the headliner or whatever. We've got, like, Conor McGregor or whatever.

And we've got Nate Diaz, like, I get. Like, trying to be cool about it. You're, like, struggling to pronounce the name. Nate. Nate? Is that how you say it? Nate Diaz. We've got Natty Diaz.

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Fucking take the wallet you do have Take all your cards out of it and your money And you're gonna wanna throw it in the fucking garbage disposal but you keep the cards don't throw the cards don't throw your money in your cards away that's not good yeah you're gonna want to head on over to ridge.com and check out the fucking ridge wallet ridge wallet is the fucking premier top of the line front pocket wallet all right um it has room for all your fucking cards, plus cash. It's got a money clip on it, and it comes in a bunch of different fucking designs. Carbon fiber, burnt titanium.

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I don't think we should let guys fight if they're under like 180. Yeah. Okay, just big boy. We have 180 to 250 class, and the next class doesn't have a weight minimum or maximum. We just call it the fat-ass class, and the guys will know how to sort themselves. Right. Or actually, the big motherfucker class. We got 180 to 200,

and then we got the big motherfucker class. Mm-hmm. That work for you? Yeah, that works. And if you're under 180, you have to be one of the ring girls. And if you're under 180, you have to be one of the ring girls. Like a guy who's like 5'6", and so healthily 175, pretty jacked.

He's like, man, bro, can I fight? No, fuck you. Get a skirt on. You're a girl. I know you could whoop my ass. He just beats us up. Yeah, you could whoop my ass, but you're going to need to get in a skirt, dude. You're going to want to put some makeup on. You're going to I know you could whoop my ass But you're gonna need to get in a skirt dude You're gonna want to put some makeup on You're gonna come to my house

You're gonna want to look real pretty for the show For Thomas though not for me Yeah just for me So fat fucker class The rounds for the 180 to 200 are like normal 3 minute rounds No they're 30 minutes I was gonna say 30 minute rounds for the fat fuckers Like For the fat fuckers.

For the fat guys, it should be 15 second rounds. Yeah, good point. Yeah, because that's how the, yeah, all that 15, okay, 115 second rounds. Yeah, he knocked me out, but it was in the fifth round. Oh, nice. You made it to the end there. I got 95 more to go. Yeah, it was about a minute and a half.

I think, so, yeah. 115 second rounds. Before for the fat fucker, the big motherfucker class, we take them to Golden Corral first. We let them eat like 6,000 calories worth of food. Like, easy. Also,

finish yours, but I'm developing, let's just say a light bulb. 6,000 calories, 12 beers. And we make that 15 seconds count. 15 seconds, 10 minute rest.

So you get a new 15 seconds. Like a really good, like they're throwing haymakers for 15 seconds count. 15 seconds, 10-minute rest. So you get a new 15 seconds. Like a really good, like they're throwing haymakers for 15 seconds hard. They gas out, but they get to rest for 10 minutes. And they get two chicken wings during each 10-minute rest. They're just watching like King of the Hill in between. Yeah. You get like a good half an episode of King of the Hill, and it's like, all right, ding, ding, all right, back.

By the way, these shows are 72 hours long. the pay-per-views are 72 hours long uh so you know you can tune in like you know you're gonna get you're gonna get some stinkers no doubt like you're gonna get some real shitty fights also i think that during the breaks in between rounds you have to get your dick sucked the whole time okay okay so i like where you're going with this so i bet you or the fighters no the fighters do okay okay okay the fighters have to eat all right you finished the round you just got clocked in the head you're trying to recover immediate the best blow job of your life oh yeah double got got now the trick is the more times you come in between rounds, the weaker you become, the sleeper you get. Yeah, okay, okay.

So the trick is, you got to hold off the whole time. You can't bust. You go in that ring, you're hard as fuck. You got it tucked up into the waistband. And you got to start swinging again. Yeah. You make it past the first round. All right, you're going to the second.

You were almost there. Yeah. You were almost there. You almost round. All right. You're going to the second. You were almost there. Yeah. You were almost there. You almost busted. All right. Right. You almost knocked that guy out in the second round. Oh, but now you had the upper hand.

But that guy, you didn't know. He took 15 Adderall right before he came. Right. He's been on soft the whole time. Right. So then you bust 30 seconds into the second blow job all right guess what you have to get your dick sucked the whole time she's still sucking on it all right these are the rules this isn't some weird fantasy of mine this is a game this is the fighting ultimate championship all right

so you're getting your dick sucked for nine and a half minutes on soft after you're already busted. Shawty's sucking on it. All right. Keep in mind, Shawty gripping it. Shawty playing with the balls, funneling them, and sucking all that life out that thing. You get back in there.

All right. Keep in mind, second round, you had the upper hand. Okay. You get back in there. You done busted that whole thing out that other guy still still fucking you know soft as could you could ever be soft as a damn pillow as as you could say now all right into the third round you're you're not doing great. Okay. You have 97 rounds to go, though. We've got to remember.

97 rounds to go. You're on to your third blowjob. Mm-hmm. This other guy. You're starting to get. But you're starting to. The juices are flowing for the third one because it's been a while. The juices are flowing.

Here's the thing. Third blowjob, all right, you're already cashed out. At this point, it just hurts. But you're willing to think about like what your life was like growing up and you can kind of sober up a little bit even though you took some heavy hits in the third right right right this other guy he had what we call an empty stomach adderall bust which is about as close to ego death as a man can get correct without you know psychedelics so he gets in for the fourth round and he's just having a panic attack.

Correct. Because, you know. His toes broke. He came too hard. Yeah, it fucked him up. His eyes are in the back of his head. Yeah, yeah. He's just fucking throwing shaky punches.

That's how you get a fourth round knockout. And that's something any fighter will tell you. Right. Any fighter who fights for the fighting ultimate championship the fuck knows that uh that the secret to like a long like a long career is um to be able to bust like 82 times in one day i mean and then you're gonna want like again because remember you start to fight off if you're especially you're a big motherfucker you start to fight off with 12 beers at a 6,000-calorie dinner. So, you know, you're in peak physical health.

By the way, a question for you. This is something we've got to work out as business partners in this venture. Who's doing the sucking? Is it the ring guy or the ring? It would actually be you. You would be doing it. Wait, for both? How do I do both guys at once?

you would be doing it. Wait, for both? How do I do both guys at once? No, I think it would be funny if we hired just, like, a professional, like, ring guy or whatever. I don't know if that's a thing. But, you know, the guys, they seem to know what they're doing. Yeah. We hire one of those who got, like, fired from the UFC or whatever,

and then we just tell them it's a normal job. Mm-hmm. And then he has to suck that guy's dick right right or um you know or we could just find people off the street yeah yeah i mean like there are people whose lives aren't going anywhere uh you know there's nothing really there not like us our lives are going crazy dude i have been doing great and i would not be one of these people but i'm saying like you know you go to you go to like walmart a 24-hour walmart in like topeka and it's like you know two or three in the morning and you go to the baby aisle okay there's where you find your ring girls there um

and baby girl i see you in front of the formula aisle crying. I got something for you. You trying to make $40 tonight? Look, for 72 hours of real laborious work, I'll pay you $86. And you might be wondering, well, what's this tall drink of water offering me all this money for next to nothing? Baby girl, I'm going to tell you something.

I've got about 250 men trying to make a name for themselves in the fight game, and the way my fight game work, baby, they get worked in between the work. You feel me? And so... Baby girl, you ever heard of Mike Tyson?

You want to... You trying to suck a dude's dick that looked up to him growing up. You trying to, she's like, I, I'm just, I think I've been trying. I don't know what you're saying to me. I don't know where he went. I don't know where he's gone. He had all, I just, I'm broken. All of his fingers and toes were there.

You're like, baby girl, I don't give a fuck about none of that. Baby girl, you shut up. Shut up. Shut up, bitch. Listen, bitch. You shut up. What was his name? Tony the Tiger?

Bitch, I'm going to need you to frost my flakes. I'm going to need you to come down and earn $86 the hard way. I'm about to slap this box of formula because I don't actually have the courage to. Anyway, you need to come. I'm sorry. You just leave. I'm sorry. Look, you go to the next girl.

She's crying. But she's got a baby bump. And you're like, hey, look, you look like you have a lot of money. You want to make some more? $86. You look, girl, you look cash centered you look like you look like you've got a money centric mind you got you are about your paper in a big way i can tell by your uh by your dale earnhardt shirt that's 10 sizes too big that you're wearing as a

that you're ready to put in the work and time and i've got just the industry for you oh well i don't know i mean i'm i work at waffle house that's great you are a perfect choice for the fighting ultimate championship you ever been a ring girl we're gonna put you in a makeup tire that needs to be changed? No? You want one? Anyway, I got a job offer. Baby girl, I have an M4 carbine in my truck. And I will turn this Walmart into a fucking circus if you do not come with me to Houston, Texas

to be my little ring girl. This is getting darker the longer that we keep going. Anyway, fighting is such an honorable sport. It is. And, dude, speaking of ring girls, did you see that Khabib article where he was like, I do not understand why we must have ring girls. I'll be honest with you, man. We've talked about this like six times.

That is awesome. Every time we hang out in person, we'll talk about this is awesome it's not entirely you i've brought it up you brought it up but i think we've been talking about this for like three months now you know what's funny is we're almost 100 total episodes in and i think we've talked about max three things yeah like you talked about francis and ghanu more than probably anyone steven i don't really watch ufc yeah he's not even a particularly like of one of my favorite fighters um steven seagal what did we do yesterday that we did a thousand times um we talk about men's physiques a weird amount yeah not it's not weird to me maybe it's weird to you it's very weird to be like you know like what do y'all talk about on there like it's just a

riffing show and i have to run a mental inventory of like what we do talk about yeah we talk about how we like hate ourselves and then um about how like we're cool and then like uh also like uh different diesel engines sometimes and like uh like how we would like to like kill potential robbers maybe right and like also jake has diarrhea like a lot correct yeah we talk about steven seagal lore uh we talk about like what we would do if the podcast ever broke two grand different kinds of nicotine yeah different nicotine we talk about what we would do if the podcast ever broke two grand. Different kinds of nicotine. Yeah, different nicotine. We talk about making poor financial decisions.

Oh, do people pay for this? Yes, weirdly enough. I don't know where to go from here. What would your ideal build be if you were a girl? That's a really strange question but a good no it's just like it's like a pretty standard question ideal build i think if you were a girl if i was a girl probably like one of those like built like mewtwo volleyball bitches you know you just got like tree trunks for legs and then like you know you're kind of like i guess like petite elsewhere i mean like they just seem like they you know you age good and you're strong and you seem healthy

like i like something like that maybe what about you oh i'm not answering i was just saying well fuck uh you laid a trap for me there um i don't know man i think that's just like a you know actually no recant my statement. I'm going 1988 Miller Lite Girl. 98 pounds. Huge rack. Huge jugs, 97 pounds, like 6'1". Same lips that you have now, I assume. Yeah, same lips, same skin.

Like, I mean, same basic everything. Honestly, keep my height. Dude, that would be so funny. Honestly, I mean – I have very feminine features, man. It's all right. I need to explain my thought here um you sort of would look like one if like with like your face would work on one a hundred percent in an 80s way yeah yeah in a sort of like kind of you chose the only decade in which it would maybe make sense in a like the

jowly women with like the weird yeah high cheekbone yeah a little bit of that and then the ones who have the same voice is like bobcat goldthwait yeah yeah just hopelessly strung out on yak so they stay like 96 pounds it's all in their jugs f-size tits boy's ass like that's that's how i'm going and uh you said you want a boy's ass i mean if we're talking ideal i think it would be great to have a boy's ass you know uh i you know what i'm very surprised nobody's clipped any of any of my weird like you know just any of the shit that when i wasn't like it's that that particular wasn't a trap i was trying to lay or just like i really i want a boy's ass no i'm just describing the woman okay i'm just describing your ideal woman for you to be and you say well first things first

you know f-size tits boy's ass yeah you don't specify like whether you just mean a masculine uh passing ass or if you mean like yeah i want like the the tits of like a like an overweight librarian and then like uh like a eight-year-old boy's ass and then like a stomach like a like a sea slug i remember uh when i was in college uh my roommate who was like his freshman year and my roommate like had he still does like just he just says weird shit when no one asks for it and he walks off it's like he's fucking weird and so we're like playing um we're playing would you rather and it's kind of like normal people doing like would you rather like you know like every time you sneeze you like change genders or like and it's kind of like normal people doing, like, would you rather, like, you know, like, every time you sneeze, you, like, change genders? Or, like, and it's kind of boring, and, like, I'm drunk, you know, and I'm, like, I don't know. Like, I'm playing along.

Like, I don't know what I was probably trying to finger fuck somebody. I don't fucking know. Anyway, my roommate sits down, and he's like, oh, cool. Can I get in on this? And they're like, yeah, Edgar. He sits down, and he goes, like goes like he gets around and he's playing along the whole time he's answering the the pg-13 ones like you know people are kind of getting weird like you're either like shit out of your mouth they're like blah blah blah and it gets to

him and he's like all right i got a good one would you rather skull fuck your grandpa or skull fuck your grandma and he walks away like half the people in the circle like this is a catholic university in the sense that they have a cathedral some of these people go to mass some of them drink this is their third time like at a party like ever and he just walks off he drops that one it bails and they're like um what did he say and i was like that's my one of my best friends so i doubled down i'm like you gotta skull fuck your granddad you gotta skull fuck your grandma you got no way out of it and they're like um and i realized like in that moment that i was like i didn't fuck up any of these people's lives

but i fucked their night up or edgar did my roommate did my best friend did but i i could have walked away too and been like hey man we don't say stuff like that like we're not hanging out in our dorm room where we can get away with doing shit like that and saying really fucked up stuff to each other making each other laugh like we're hanging around people who are gonna like work at the capitol building soon like you don't got to be doing stuff like that i doubled down and it was one of those moments where yeah you're like no i'm not gonna be like have the hubris to say i ruined anybody's life but i will say that i fucked this person's evening up and i guess kind of what i said earlier

you know like kind of just you know but sometimes you know a lot of stuff just happens yeah most most of the world man most of the fucking world it's like you the fucking world. It's like, you know, it's the Mandela effect. Like, you know, you hit somebody with your car on purpose, and then the next day it's like, you know, who cares? Mandingo effect, dude. No, I said Mandela, dude. You said Mandigo, brother. I actually said Mandela.

You said Mandigo. You know what that is? That's a, you're, um... Come on, spit it out. You're saying the quiet part out loud. You're saying the quiet... Dude, I love... You're saying the quiet part loud. You're quietly saying the loud part out loud.

You know what I love when people do? Yeah. When they say the quiet part out loud. Yeah, I... It's really one of the elephants in the room for me say it louder for the people in the back bro it's like you know kind of like you know like it's the it's the racism and settler colonialism for me and oh chow dude and and when it when it's that for me like because it says the quiet part out loud when you show up and you say it with

your chest and, uh, and you know, and it's kind of like, it's like, it's on period, dude. Yeah.

It's like, for me, it's a colonialism and like, uh, and sometimes it's, it's on a serious note. Sometimes it's almost like the caucasity just jumps out the caucasity jumps out bro and like you like there's this like colonialist mindset that people

operate on and you know it really just like it fucks with my whole vibe it fucks with my whole vibe when like when the racism jumps out like yeah and it just it's there and it's like in your face you know like the other day i was on the bus and you know like i'm feeling myself and uh and i'm just serving looks i'm yeah you're serving i'm serving looks on the bus and uh and this old mayo ass white man sits down next to me and he's drooling on himself and he's clearly homeless and he has the audacity to ask me if i know what happened to his daughter he's crying and you know and he's like i don't know what happened to me and i'm like shut your mayo ass shut your mayo ass up dude and and everybody starts clapping and my three-year-old daughter stands up and snaps her fingers.

And she says, it's the entitlement for me. And everybody, every girl on that bus showed me her boobs. And I got $1 million when I went home. Dude, people for a lot of times, and I've said this before. I'll say say it again it's kind of like my trademark phrase but it's like people aren't doing the work no and you know what they're not doing the work and they're doing the most yeah and so like i'll be like on the bus right and i'm a good guy like i'm watching everybody you know right right and i'm the only one who's got the caucasity to stand up and say i wish there were more indian girls on here right you know why because i'm checking for diversity

right and you know what's frustrating about all that is is that like you know people don't understand how like living in this like living here like it's just like the oppression and the trauma the trauma yeah you know for me like the trauma like i have so much fucking trauma dude like daily daily i think i'm like wow like y'all don't have garlic parmesan wings i have trauma like you know i have so much fucking trauma in my heart and people like, I try to be compassionate and kind and I try to do the work, but I try to be, you know,

active in my community. And it's just, it's, it's just the blatant, you know, like it's just white people, dude. Yeah.

I, I take a lot of psychic damage when I go to the grocery store. Sometimes dude, I take like my of psychic damage when I go to the grocery store sometimes. Dude, I take like my like I'm an empath. I've always said you're an empath, dude. And for me, it's like I knew like as soon as I saw your like horoscope, I was like, oh, my gosh. Dude, I'm an empath. I knew like, OK, so like you're a little bit. You know, on the on the colonizer side.

But when you look at your horoscope and you like plug that in 23 and me, it's like, dude, you are like, you're really like spirit minded, you know? Yeah. Well, I mean like people need to be more spiritual if they want to succeed. And I tell people, you know, like, you know, everything is about, you know, first of all, it's about your traumas. You're going to want to take inventory of everything bad that's ever happened to you because it's healthy to do that. Well, I know, and people don't think, like, Jake, okay, so people think, oh, yeah, the call Cassidy really jumped out with him. And, okay, it does sometimes. But he suffers from chronic pain. He's got chronic sniffles.

He has permanent IBS syndrome. Pips. Me, I have chronic asthma. I'm an addict. Correct. Probably. I'm addicted to sugar. And people aren't about their paper because of all these little things, little bugaboos.

It's all capitalism. It's late-stage capitalism, dude. capitalism dude and honestly for me when it when it jumped out it was like oh yeah i see i see how the cap got into capitalism you know yeah because because the cap jumped out the cap jumped out and and you know the cap's out of the bag and uh dude fucking kill yourself man turn the turn the turn the mic off that's it no no no no there's the cut because you're all right goodbye