Pendejo Time - fun time

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

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Oh, we ever, uh, welcome to, welcome to Applebee's, may I take your order? Um. Hi! Hi, I would like to try the cherry pie. We don't got Apple, we don't got that at Applebee's. We have chicken and tender and chicken sandwich and chicken. I see why it's not called apple pie bees apple apple apple bee making some pies yeah

yeah man you know i've been working here at this Applebee's for 50 years. And, you know, I love when the little children come in because I feel like I have so much knowledge that I could share with the little. Ma'am, thank you for bringing your son in here. How old are you, son? Hello. I'm a boy. I'm six. Well, you know, six is around that age when you start realizing that there are a lot of pretty girls around. Mm-hmm.

That's what I think about. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm talking to your son. And you've got to start thinking about how you're going to make more people. You understand what I'm saying? Every child that comes into the Applebee's that sits in my section, I tell tell them about the birds and bees so you're six years old so you're about ready to start getting pussy the apple bees i started getting pussy in arkansas about eight years old so you're about two years behind me um what are you drinking there thomas uh this is um

it's a classic bl situation man i hey check it out we're repping it oh we're repping uh hey you know i didn't notice just now these cans are manufactured by the same company that makes mason jars. I did not know that. Ball. Oh, yeah, they make all that shit. Yeah. You know, it's really discouraging to me as an aspiring beverage container entrepreneur to know that the market really is pretty captured overall. that the market really is pretty captured overall.

You know, as a young man growing up, you grow up, and people tell you, you can be anything. You can be anything you want. And you know how you've probably seen the mason jar before, right? Yeah, a couple times. Yeah, I used to dream growing up that it was called the Thomas Jar. And it was embroidered or whatever with my name, Thomas, instead of Mason. Right. Because I knew Mason growing up, and he had all that jar money just walking around, pockets loaded.

He kept all his money in Mason jars. And a lot of times he would come in late to class teacher would say where you been mason he'd grab a big gold mason jar open it up and grab a hundred dollar bill out of it hand it to the teacher then mark him present and he'd leave and that's the kind of power you can have when you got your own kind of jar. I feel like everybody... Did you actually know a Mason growing up? I knew a couple, I think. They're not good kids.

I feel like it's like naming your kid Gunner. Like, it doesn't... You're just kind of... The only Mason I knew... We were sitting in pre-algebra in eighth grade, and this was around the era of, like, tapping your friends in the nutsack as, like, a gag. But Mason, his idea of violent fun, I don't know what he's doing now. I pray to God that he found religion or something.

I was just sitting there, man, like taking notes, and he reaches over and stabs me in the hand with a pen, and he's like, got your ass. Just like, oh, I got you, bro. And I was like bleeding, and I was like, yeah, you got me, I guess. It was one of those things that's like, he got, you got me, I guess it was one of those things. It's like, you, I don't, he wasn't a big kid,

so it wasn't like, Oh, I don't want to get into a fight situation, but there are some, there are some people who are born with that, like serial killer energy. Like you run into a guy and you're like, I feel there's just this,

I get the sense from the year you could eat me and it wouldn't bother you like you could skin me or make me wear women's underwear or whatever i kind of had that feeling when you and me first met you know yeah yeah you should no i you know i gotta say i'd much rather have somebody force me to wear women's underwear than eat me i'd say in terms of the things that can happen to me you know i think to eat me you gotta have you gotta have weapons for sure but right right right i'd put on a bra for like 20 bucks yeah i think i mean you know because it would be it would be you know you just put it on i'd say you know putting on the the the bottom part you know i'd rather people not see my my nuts and my wiener that would be the main hold up there

they should make thongs but the that they they contain your nuts and dick because they look comfortable you know i'm saying like i think that's that's definitely a thing you think so like i mean oh i guess there's a strap yeah but that's not underwear you got banana hammocks or whatever i mean there's whenever i walked it there's a vape store next to a lingerie store and they do have the gay guy underwear there you know i'm talking about it's like it just looks expensive i don't i've only ever worn like blown out hanes like the kind that your nuts just kind of fall out of i just never really kind of a bim now i've got some some calvin klein's that i bought like three years ago nice because you know i i decided it was time to step up in the game i went to tj max not to brag i used to work there

max and yeah yeah you could say i acquired some calvin klein underwear for yeah like 20 bucks for probably 10 pairs not a big deal i need to, I think, because I'm still rocking the, like, you go to Walmart and it's like 50 pairs of underwear for like eight dollars. The kind that just, I guess, do kind of become a G-string as the day goes on. It was funny. I remember getting fat

and thinking the underwear quality was going down rapidly because I bought the same size. And we'd just blow out the elastics the first day and be like, wow. Size medium, going down rapidly because I bought the same size and would just blow out the elastics the first day and be like, wow, size medium, going down in quality. My roommate, my old roommate and friend of the show, Cameron, he never, and according to his girlfriend, he's still like this. He bought like, he would buy like a brand new Xbox

or like he would get paid and like we would go out and party and you know drink and shit and he would spend money on alcohol and food and shit but uh he would like come out of the shower and it dude his underwear would be like i'm speaking to the crowd the choir here i imagine listeners of the show but like the legs of it like the webbing for the nuts gone it's just like gooch and dick and asshole and i never let my shit get that bad he's like man i got a really important job interview i'm gonna be late and i'm like dude you're like you're you're you're you got dick on denim like you can't show up for like a new chapter in your life like go into an aa meeting and he's like oh man i really got to get new underwear and it's like yeah no like you you're not going out to greet the world in a in an appropriate

responsible way like if your penis is touching the zipper of your jeans like my dad never wore underwear and I think that was one of the things that led to his ultimate downfall like he just never like he uh I I don't know if I've talked about it in length on the show. I probably mentioned it, but I think my dad around, it was a question, one of the first memories I have, questions I ever asked him. I think, like, probably, like, 10 or 11. My dad only ever wore, like, long johns that you'd wear if you're, like, doing timber work and, like, anchorage. Like, if you're a lumberman in

the winter yeah yeah or he didn't wear anything at all nothing and so all and he and he was really he was a real big fan of like the john cena denim jorts that are almost capris so he would just walk around everywhere in the base of his dick and his pubes are out. And I was like, why don't you wear underwear? And he's like, I don't like them. It's not comfortable for me. And I'm like, well, I mean, you know, the top of your penis bone shows where at Target. My mom would get onto him, and he's like, ah, you know, it's just who gives a shit?

People can look if they want. And I'm like, I don't think people want to. I think that's the entire issue here. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're a big pot, like a big beer bellied, like shit kicker guy in capris and like, like blown out and one shoes. And I think the top of your penis is showing under your Tommy Bahama shirt. and I think the top of your penis is showing under your Tommy Bahama shirt,

and you are speaking really loudly and authoritatively in this Target about how the boys' section used to be more manly, and now there's way too many skinny jeans in here. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like if you really – that's another thing we can add to the list of ways, easy ways to get your life together. I do have one pair of the jockey underwear. They're like real high quality. They kind of hug your shit.

I guess kind of like Calvin Klein. And when I wear them, I do kind of feel like my life is improving a little bit. It's funny how that works. Like I can't – I'm not trying to generalize here, but I feel like when women want to make their lives better, they like get into like soul cycle or they do start doing like hot yoga. But like for men, it's much easier. You just need to buy something nice. But like, like a bath mat.

It's yeah. Yeah. Like, like, like one nice pair. It's yeah. Yeah. Like, like, like one nice pair. I mean, I guess women do retail therapy too. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I feel like they go overboard with it.

Like, yeah. A bath mat or like just putting in new doorknobs. Like it'll change your, like change your whole life or like a pair of underwear where your nuts like don't get pinched in the zipper or like a nice pair of socks. Like, I don't,

I don't know. I could be way off on this one but i do i do think there's something to the idea of being at your lowest point the fattest and brokest and gayest and dumbest you've ever been and then you get like a nice pair of boots and i was thinking today i haven't worn a pair of no-show socks since i was a little kid and i was thinking about getting a pair of no-show socks i don't know how much they cost those were like if you had tube socks like if you had big socks i in junior high and in high school i guess if you wore like long socks, you were a loser. Like you were like,

you were in the same category as like kids that were like Deadpool, like the autistic kids that like, yeah, I ran in the whole stupid shit though. I wore like flash. I wore like flash t-shirts and like Batman t-shirts in high school. I was not like a cool kid. No,

I'm not. I'm not saying that like I was either, but I will, I will say that. No, I'm not. I'm not saying that like I was either, but I will. I will say that the low. I did. I had like four. I seriously wore like three T-shirts and recycled those. I dress like shit mostly for like attention. But I think I begged my mom, dude, because I had like tall the like like the big tall black socks that you can get in packs of 50 at

walmart like the underwear i remember being in like seventh grade and no show socks with like the low-cut vans that was the look and i was like mom i really want some like look i would take the socks and roll them down to try to make them look like no show but you just end up with a bunch of fucking sock like bulk yeah and uh and she was like son those socks are like 20 bucks and you only get five and there's no sock like i don't she didn't understand i'm like mom i'm trying to get pussy and you're really impeding this because you keep buying me like you know jeffrey daher tube socks like uh walter white and breaking bad like fucking tube socks and tidy whiteys god damn man i fucking i started wearing i started wearing um the the tube socks again whenever i started wearing basketball shoes a lot yeah same so i used to collect old rebox and shit and i still actually brought a bunch over

to my house because my parents are moving so i am having to rummage through all my old shit that i ever threw it away and i found a backpack that's just like Michelob and shit it's like five years old it's like my old school backpack and it's just like smirnoff smashes and like a bottle of like a half empty bottle of gin and stuff and that my dad fucking like my mom and dad packed into a nice backpack for me just stuff i had thrown around the closet like the stuff that you stuff that you had bought like a week before you went to jail. Yeah, dude. There was a fucking storage, like a moving storage container I found that was like 50, like half empty cans of like grizzly wintergreen.

Yes, son. Yeah, like just a bunch of shit where I was like, oh, thank you for keeping this around. Yeah, yeah. I think it was just like hey son you gotta fucking deal with this on your own which i understand like i i appreciate them for like giving you a time capsule when from an era in your life where you were super close to killing yourself like yeah it's like if they left a fucking like if they left just like a blood-stained knife in there it's like oh yeah good times my mom sometimes for

like nostalgia purposes will break out like like i used to have these old journals where i would like write little short stories and stuff or like i was i would like like uh i really wanted to be a wrestler so like i had all these like um like nwo headbands and like I had like fake championship belts or whatever that like we had like made and shit and it's like oh you know you loved wrestling you wanted to be Hulk Hogan and then your parents are like

there's a bottle of Bombay in here and an old hatchet with some shit on it and like you know there's about I guess a six pack in here in between three beers and then like some half drank beer and i think i don't know if this is a suicide note or just like a poem but it or just like a review of cars 2 that you have in here that you wrote for some reason yeah it's funny when you think about like the last few when i think about like the last

couple years i lived with my parents where it was like they they were like trying not to babysit but i would do shit like i remember one time my mom walked into my room and i clearly been eating a cake in there like i went to walmart at like three in the morning and i got a cake and i started eating it in my car i was super high yeah and then i brought it into my room and the next morning i like slept through my alarm and it was like 11 and she came in there she was like hey uh you probably need to get up for work and also did you eat like two-thirds of a walmart cake last night and i was like i was i'm still working on it please don't throw it away i still have the lemon part left it's okay it's okay the uh the like yeah the before i moved to austin me my mom and my brother had moved in with my grandma our house got foreclosed on and we were like just like fucking you know

really no place to go and and uh so i'm like living in my grandmother's guest room and my mom is sleeping in my grandma's room with my brother and I'm trying to go through like you know I'm the first in my family to go to college like I'm the first you know like and but I'm also navigating like being 17 18 years old with like my first job and like uh money like, having my car and stuff. So, like, I'm coming home drunk and, like, really fucked up. But, like, my grandma just never really slept. And almost in, like, an old, like, Vietnam veteran way. But instead of, like, Fox News, it was, like, the Golden Girls.

Like, I would come home at 3 in the morning thinking, like, there's no way anybody's still awake. My brother was, like, 10 at the time. And my mom worked, like, super far away and went to bed really early. And she would just be in her rocking chair, dude, like 400 pounds with a big cup. And she, I think I've mentioned this before, she in secret would drink diet seven up and jim beam like all wild turkey all fucking day like and she'd be like oh can you can you go to the kitchen and just pour me in a big like whataburger like tumblers like just put um half seven up in it no ice and i and i always remember being like why don't you want it filled with seven up?

And she's like, oh, I don't like to drink all that. And it was because she would pour, like, the other half a Jim Beam. Anyway, come home, fucking cross this shit, and I'm, like, sneaking in, you know, and, like, I get through the door, and I, like, get up to the door, and I hear, you know, thank you for being a friend. And I'm like, fuck, this bitch is awake. So I go open the door and she's like, oh, hey, where are you being? It's like 2 in the morning.

And I'm like, grandma, I was lying to your mom. Like, at least my mom, she knew that I got into shit. So it was like, oh, I went over to my friend Johnny's place, and we just got really fucked up. And she's like, okay, go to bed. I'm like, all right, whatever. With your grandma, she's like, hey. Like, you know, like an old southern bitty just like,

you know that it's 2 in the morning, and, you know, people typically, people are sleeping. And I'm like, I've been, you know people typically people are sleeping and i'm like i i've been uh you know church is late they've been doing 1 a.m service uh at uh at this warehouse in south houston i was helping this lady across the street and it took eight hours. She was really, she was an aunt. So. Yeah, just like trying to like, yeah, just trying to navigate being like, like, oh, you know, like, oh, you know, we're trying to find a place to party. Like Johnny's house, his parents are in town uh you know they

shut down that skate park or whatever like jake uh you know do you live with your grandma i'm like yeah and like oh she probably like wouldn't even know what's going on right and i'm like no i don't think i've seen that woman close her eyes in like 12 years i think she's just been highly caffeinated and drunk since 1965 or whatever. We can't party at Grandma's place. I remember when my dog died. I didn't... She just was sitting in her chair and my mom comes home and uh my this is i think it's funny i guess looking back but my grandma's like uh oh max died this is like the family dog

my mom's like what she's like oh yeah he's in the backyard just dead my mom was like i don't understand she's like he went out there to pee and i guess just decided you know just laid down to sleep and like didn't think that she just didn't call anybody like didn't think he's just like oh you know dogs just go out my backyard and die you know they're old well her approach to dogs was like she would go to the Pasadena Animal Shelter and she would get the sickest, shakiest, like closest to death chihuahua because she didn't want to get a puppy because she was old. But then every dog that she got, it would be like 13. It would live to be like like they would live almost another 10 years. But they would be blind and like pissing and shitting everywhere.

And she's like, I got a new dog her name's gracie and then like gracie would like kind of just crawl like he would hear its name kind of like an echo of its name and we're just like in a puddle of its own shit like crawl from the corner and she's like oh she's so spry she you can throw a treat at her and she'll catch it you she'd throw a fucking, like, a piece of pepperoni at it. And the dog would just kind of like, eh. Like, I don't. Her approach to dogs was, like, the same. I don't know if it's just the area that we grew up in or maybe it's not even, like, a.

It was, like, the same approach that, like, Hispanic grandmothers. Like, just get the oldest, sickest chihuahua you can and then just feed it like little Debbie's cakes. Yeah. Until like it just like stops breathing or whatever the fuck. Rest in peace. R.I.P. R.I.P. Grandma. R.I.P. Grandma.

Hey, hey, this track goes out to my grandma. She held me down in the trenches Shout out grandma She would feed me fucking Stouffer's chicken pot pie You should be able You should be able To get a new grandma

From a nursing home If you want Yeah like trade it in Yeah Well if there's one where it's like their kids never come there or whatever you could just you can just take them home teach them how to ride a bike or whatever i throw a football in the backyard and dude imagine imagine renting a grandpa or whatever that'd be sick hey man what's up you're gonna take me fishing today he's like i don't give a fuck about fishing i don't care about fish i was an accountant for 50 years you understand i'm not

a fisherman just because i'm old you understand i was an accountant and i was a company man my fucking kids screw me over i i don't want to go fishing i don't know you yeah you're gonna go fishing man or you you can go back to fucking prison. Getting hopped on by those horny-ass old ladies all day with big old mud flaps in your face. You're going to fucking go fishing or something real bad is going to happen to you. My granddad was sort of like a PTSD guy and never really cared about any of us. So you seem like you give a shit about your your grandkids i don't i fucking can't stand them they put me in this fucking hell prison and

feed me medicine all goddamn day i don't know what year it is uh well you're gonna go you're gonna go hunting i've never been hunting you ever hunt i only hunt you know vietnam vietnam guys well have you ever hunted elk or deer? Perhaps a rabbit? That's what we're doing today, old timer. So get off of your fucking lazy ass. We're going to get fucked up and we're going to go hunting.

I never got... I never... I don't know. I got mad at my grandma a lot. But I would... Oh, hell no. Hell no. Fuck grandma.

I... but I would oh hell no hell no fuck grandma I she would call like I I never got mad at pecker that was fine I grew up who the fuck is pecker

pecker like the term pecker like for your dick like I thought I thought you meant that was a person

no no so who the fuck is Becker You know Uncle Becker I never thought twice about him Becker's the name of my grandma We just called her What's up Becker how you doing Thanksgiving's been lonely without you

No like just you know My uncle my dad But like Tallywhacker That was like It's just such a nasty My uncle and my dad, but tallywhacker. It's just such a nasty fucking stupid term. My grandma, she would be like, I don't know. She'd be fucking talking and she would be like, Oh, I hate watching the fucking, I don't like watching them Grammys because all the men now,

I think they're women, they wear them top pants. They show their tallywhacker. And I'd be like, dude, goddamn, man, please. I would rather my grandma say cock. Like, they're big fucking veiny-ass cocks. I would rather her fucking say that than fucking tallywhacker because that is such – Pecker is already backwoods, dude. I mean, I guess it's not backwoods.

It's just like it's a southern fucking way. But tallywhacker is like, that is just a sign that you've been inbreeding. For like fucking... I don't even know where that word came from. I guess, I don't know, pecker. I don't know the word, the fucking etymology of that one either. But tallywhacker is a nasty fuck. There are just words that people are like, the, you know, etymology of that one either, but tallywhacker is a nasty fuck. There are just words that, like, people are like, oh, moist.

I don't like that word. It makes me, you know, the stupid fucking millennial thing, but, like, tallywhacker, that's a terrible word. Yeah. You know what word pisses me off? The N-word? What? What would you even think of that word, Jake?

That alarms me. That would even come to mind for you. I was going to say... Come on, dude. Spit it out, motherfucker. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

You don't tell me what to do. I'm done with your demands. You don't tell me what to do, Mom. How did the stand-up go tonight? Dog shit. It was really bad. It's always funny to do an open mic that's just comedians in the audience. First of all, it was at one of these coffee shops in Texas

that tries to also be like a weed store, but it's not legal here. So you go in there and it's like, hazy days, like, coffee brother, like, you know, roll up a doobie, you know, like, we're smoking weed in here, bro. And then because it's not legal, like, all of their coffee is named is named like you know the the witch's brew or like they have like mushroom references like you know this is called the willy yeah yeah yeah but then it's like oh like but if you smoke weed out back like you can go to jail like it's not anyway it was one of those places and there were just like a lot of kids studying and then like comedians are like in my experience i can't speak for everybody's but like if you're doing an open mic or a show and no one shows up and the audience is just mostly comics

it's basically an aa meeting like no one's laughing. It's very stuffy. Everybody's trying to take notes or like work on shit. And so like I go up there and I'm like, this fucking sucks, dude. This is dog shit. Like, you know, the energy is palpable in here. Like, you know, everybody, you all just find out you got AIDS. And people were like, ha ha, you know, whatever. However, the guy that went up right before me, there were some girls that were the only members of the audience.

Two, I found out because he was, like, trying to do crowd work with them, which, props, they were two Mexican girls and two Asian girls. And, you know, he was like, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to assume in today's age, you know, you guys are Mexican and Chinese or whatever. And one of the girls was like, I'm Asian. And so he's digging a little bit of a hole, but it's wholesome, you know. Like, it's not a hole that isn't funny, I guess. I'm not the comedy doctor. You could just feel that the air was getting tense, but it was still kind of a lighthearted

intensity. And he was like, you know, whatever you guys are, you know, you guys got the gift, you know, don't crack like like you guys, you know, look, look good or whatever. Like, you know, look young, like we're all a bunch of old fucking losers here. And then the hole's getting a little deeper and then he's like you all look 12 you know like literally he was like you guys look 12 like you look great and uh and uh like everybody kind of like everybody just kind of like huh you know and uh i guess when that happens you get a laugh and you want to like capture that moment

i've done it before where like i've said something that's not funny it's just awkward and people like and you're like oh i gotta stay on this because here's the vein that's gonna get me like i can you know close or whatever and he's like yeah you know you know you guys just you know i'm it's international Women's Day and y'all came out. Fucking God damn it. Just like watching a bunch of people that just came to drink coffee and study. It's a fucking college town. Like you're there to study and oak him and drink your coffee and smoke cigarettes.

And there's a guy who's like uh yeah you guys look 12 that's good it just the air was thick with with this sort of like an unnatural tension and because the sets were so short i don't think the guy got a chance to like get out of that you know like they Like, they were, like, doing it at set, so he was, like, ended with, like, oh, you guys are all 13. You look good. Ah, fuck, that's my time. All right, see ya.

He's like, all right, here's the setup. Man, I'd come in my son if he looked like you girls. Oh, that's my time. All right, I'll see you guys. I won't be here all night. I'll never be here again, actually.

My ankle monitor is beeping. I really got to get back. I told my PO I'm trying to do this stand-up thing, you know, and he said no. I don't know. I mean, I got the show on Friday. I'm just like, yeah, whatever. We're going to see how it goes. I'd be careful, man.

I'm just kidding. I'm just like, yeah, whatever. We're going to see how it goes. I'd be careful, man. I'm just kidding. You know, it's a really dangerous time to be a stand-up comic. I don't know if you heard about what happened at the Oscars recently. But Will Smith slapped Chris Rock across the face.

Yeah. And I don't know if it was, you know, as they say, a street beef or if it was some words that were exchanged. I don't know what happened. Did you see Chris Rock's stand-up that he did? I saw it. It popped up on my feed or whatever. I watched it with the sound off, which is on my phone,

which is how stand-up comedy was designed to be consumed. Just the closed captions on like a gas station TV. Yeah. I've got my phone brightness too low to entirely see the screen. And then the captioning isn't entirely accurate.

So Chris Rock is... And it's also not timed correctly. Yeah. Chris Rock is on stage and he's like, you're just not hearing anything and the captions are like, I was hanging out with Oscar and Bill came over and he punched me in my dick.

And then, you know, when Oscar was over, and man, you know, the black man has got to really get his hands on how well he's doing with the fairness of the world and everybody's woke now. And so, dude, his... I think there's something... In the same way that, the rock stars that didn't kill themselves or die of heroin overdoses are just kind of like fucking losers now.

Like... Man, you got two types of black people. You got black people and you got applause, laughter, clapping. and you got applause, laughter, clapping. You got black people and you've got beep, laughter. Dude, that bit, I don't know. I'm never going to get a chance to meet Chris Rock. But I wish that I could let him know how much racism that bit like let my uncle get away with because my uncle like my uncle like is very racist but he also loves like black actors

and black comedians and he doesn't like black music don't don't get him started but like black comedians he's like hey man that cat williams gets up there boy and he starts saying i don't know what he's saying but i he he said he hates fat women and i can kind of get behind that but the that chris rock bit of like you know black. Dude, when that bit dropped, my uncle would go off on his tirades or whatever. You know, they just, Houston used to be a good place to live. And then he would start, and we'd all be like,

all right, dude, shut the fuck up, man. Like, just cut it out. He's like, Chris Rock said it. You see that Chris Rock? He went on stage and said exactly what we're all thinking. And it's like, no. Man, Chris Rock is a millionaire comedian who also just so happens to be a black guy.

So it's like, you don't have any money and you're a fat white dude who lives in a trailer that's infested with rats and stuff and you got Confederate flag bumper stickers. I don't know if you can do his bit put a more race you know what i'm saying like a more like there's no comedy in it it's just cruel it's just like you know if chris yeah your your uncle was saying the quiet part out loud yeah if chris rock went up there and was like i just don't like like in a texas accent like

you know who i hate people that look like me like i just i can't like, like in a Texas accent, you know who I hate? People that look like me. I can't stand the way that they talk and the way that they look, just sort of their general demeanor. Yeah, I feel like Chris Rock has a lot of stuff that could be seen like that, but I don't really think it's my business. It's not my place to be like you know no not at all hey chris rock but i cut it out i think we're well within our right to to be like hey if you're a shit kicker you don't get to like do like patrice o'neal bits

about black people yeah whether chris rock can do it is not my business whether your uncle can is not up for debate no like like like patrice o'neill's whole like you know thing about black like black women being loud it's like all right well he's a fat black dude who you know like whatever but then like my uncle said like or just any any fucking dude i knew growing up that like that saw that chris Rock special or heard about the bit through the grapevine or whatever. Or saw a movie with, who's the dude, who's the other? Chris Tucker? No, Martin Lawrence.

Like, any of those Martin Lawrence movies where, like, the central point of the movie was that, like, before Madea, The Wholesome, like, 90s black – some of the comedies with Martin Lawrence were like, isn't it crazy how much black people love going to the movie? Like, the whole central point of the movie. They would watch something like that, and they'd be like, I think if they joke about it, I'm allowed to take the joke seriously, and I'm just allowed to be way worse of a person. Because Martin Lawrence said the N-word in Black Knight,

I think I should be able to say it at Dollar General loudly and without recourse, you know, or anything sort of bad happening to me. I wish I could have. I wish Patrice could have lived long enough to go on car on tucker dude oh my god that i i feel like tucker would have brought him on thinking that patrice is on the level because of some of his like his sense of humor and then patrice just calls him like a milk shop boy like he calls him the f slur like obvious like on live television but uh yeah that would have been a nice little oh well he's dead due to health problems so that'll never

happen jake yeah that's why you take care of yourself so you can live to see your fullest legacy yeah i'm trying to i'm in my uh i'm trying to become 100 i think i'm just gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna become 145 pounds i think i'm just gonna do it i don't think i'm gonna i'm gonna get ripped by making this face all the time i look like that jocko willink guy dude his uh you like this because yeah i love it that you i love his content i see so much of it because i i follow a lot of bjj like instagram accounts or whatever and like boxing so much of it because I follow a lot of BJJ Instagram accounts or whatever and boxing. So you get his because of the algorithm. And his shit's like you wake up at 4 in the fucking morning every fucking day.

No fucking excuses. At what point does that shit just become like self-flagellation? Like it's not good for you. Yeah. Why do you have your flash on? It looked like you had a flash on or something. Yeah, my flash is on. I don't know why.

I didn't turn it on. Yeah, I think I believe in self-flagellation every once in a while. I think it's good to bat that shit around to see if you still got it. But, yeah, I think it's sick as fuck that all the alphas now, you know, the self-proclaimed alphas, they're all like marketing and podcast guys also. Yeah. It's like if you were a Navy SEAL or whatever, that's cool.

That's badass. But if the main thing you do now is you talk on podcasts and you upload it to social media, we're the same type of guy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I know who I am, and I'm kind of just a regular guy, bit of a loser, honestly. Yeah, I'm a retarded loser. And maybe you're a millionaire. Maybe you get to go on Joe Rogan, but guess what? I know people that have been on Rogan, and so that's basically the same thing.

Yeah. I know. One guy. I know two people. Yeah. Who have been on Rogan. I have met three people who have been on Rogan now that I think about it. So fuck you.

I've met four people now that i think about it so fuck you i i've met four people now that i think about it but two of them i didn't know very well and probably don't remember who i am no for sure the only the guys i'm thinking of i'm close friends with one of them and oh yeah you're so you're so close yeah you're so close yeah i'm you're so close man dude i probably your best friend yeah probably dude honestly i've been really pitching so i text joe every day and he and i'm like you know i ask him for advice on the show and one day i'm gonna go on dude and it's gonna be so good um dude it's gonna be fine we're gonna talk about muay thai and jujitsu and and elk meat i'm gonna come on i'm gonna ask if i can come on his face yeah i'm gonna see if just kidding that would be just i'm kind of a shock humor guy that's what i would do yeah

i'm kind of like a really edgy comedian uh i'm really good at stand-up because i've been doing it for 10 years i'd try i'd try to poke his eye, hurt him physically. Yeah. So he'd remember me, and he would view me as an alpha forever. I think ideally, all right, I'm trying to put together my dream scenario. Right, right. For going on Rogan. I think it's having one of the alpha type dudes like Jocko

Willink or whatever. Also on there. But then also have Peterson or Tim Poole. Just one of the right wing thinkers. One of the guys who just thinks.

You put me up against a guy who thinks all day and a guy who – Killed a lot of children. Who tells people how to be awesome all day. Yeah. You're going to – they're going to meet a guy who does not think at all and also can tell you how to not do shit. Yeah.

and also can tell you how to not do shit. Yeah. And that's a, you know, that's like running into a cliff with a highway painted onto the side of it. You know what I mean? I think it's. And then basically I would make the Jocko guy, I would beat the hell out of him. I'd put him in a headlock.

I'd say, look, Joe, not so alpha, is he? And then I'd snap his fucking head clean off i think and then i would also i would throw his head clean through the chest of jordan peterson it'd be disgusting it's i mean i guess everybody's got to make money and an easy way to make money if you have like any story at all to tell i guess is podcasting but like the tim kennedy and joo guys, you go from being an assassin. You are a weapon

trained and funded by the state. You're not that far removed from that. It was just 20 years ago that you were hip-tossing Pakistani teenagers. Yeah, to be fair, the alternate career for those guys is killing 100 brown people a year. For more money like so it's like yeah i guess it's okay for for those guys yeah no it'd be funny if they just if that was like a cia cia operation they were just cooperating

with joe rogan to convince SEALs to become podcasters so they wouldn't work for Blackwater. Or whatever the Venezuelans and all of them are up to. Yeah, what's that? Those guys that got caught with Silvercorp? They were the Bolivian.

Yeah, I guess if you're... If I was an assassin, my thing would be called Silver Fork, because you know how fucking players stay eating. That's so funny, dude. Yeah, that's just keeping it real. I like when he brings on Shane, and then also has one of those guys on. And Shane's like, yeah, you know, it's like you just kind of fucking. When you're on the road, you drink, you know, like 20 beers a night.

And then you fucking hang out with some guy named Kyle who just wants to go bowling. And I don't know, you know, I never really figured out the SNL thing. And then Joey Diaz is like, yeah, I saw you. You got pussy from a Puerto Rican girl with one leg. And then it'll be like a dude who was a Green Beret like two years ago, just kind of like open-eyed staring into the wall. Just completely dead inside still. And he's like, use coupon code Jocko for 10% off American jeans made by dads from Omaha.

I don't fucking know. Yeah, I like the veteran branding on everything now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like, don't you want to drink a coffee that a veteran owns? Yeah. It's like, no, man. I want to drink a coffee that a little kid in brazil made yeah i want my coffee beans picked by like you know uh yeah like jamaican teenagers like i don't i want

migrant workers honestly i want them making the coffee because they've been doing it for so long they know what they're doing i don't want some guy with a you know an associate's degree in sniper rifles you know i want a guy who has no trauma and just loves shoveling cacao beans into a big vat that could kill him the you know the black rifle guy made like a youtube uh thing where he was like the wokiesokies really hate Black Rifle Coffee. The Wokies want to drink their liberal Oregon coffee. The Wokies don't like veteran-owned

and, you know, he was making a statement about how people were boycotting his coffee or whatever. But it wasn't necessarily that it was veteran-owned. They had made a commercial after, it wasn't necessarily that it was veteran owned they had made a commercial like after um it wasn't george floyd it was one of the really bad the kenosha shootings it was before that i think it was it was i think it was actually um maybe uh ferguson because it was a long it was a long it was a while ago they had made a video where they were like shooting machine guns and they were like you know this coffee is for people who obey the fucking law because if

you don't want to get arrested all you got to do is comply and then like an eagle soared above them and they were like and i was like okay this is that type of shit like first of all you can make a lot of money doing it for sure but like your fans are like the people who are consuming your shit are the most i guess that's why they do it the most gullible fucking waterheaded retards of all time yeah and then they pussy it out because they helped bail out kyle riddenhouse then they like cut off all ties with them and now like all the anime profile picture people on twitter like you you failed kyle you failed kyle and it's just these like roided out 50 year old dudes who are just trying to sell coffee and now they're like fuck why is this what does trad cath mean god

damn it i just man i fucking just wanted to kill people. I don't know what a fucking Hellenist. I'm just racist. I don't know what this stuff means. What is a monarchist nationalist andcath? What is physique-pilled mean? What the fuck is vapor-pilled wave? Who the fuck is MGMT? I don't fucking know.

I don't know any of this shit. Dude, the Kyle Rittenhouse thing, like, I don't... Aside from, like, whether people think it was right or wrong, I feel like we've lost the fucking, like, we've dropped the ball on that or whatever the fuck turn of phrase I'm looking for. Like, we've lost the plot, whatever. The fact that a 17-year-old kid, like, killed two people in a pretty controversial

setting and the like the the podcast talks of like the adjacent right wing so like the barstool adjacent podcasts and the operator shows and like the kind of chug-a-lug podcasts that they're not barstool but it's like shows called like mike drinks beer and it's like it's right wing but it's not you know what i'm saying like it's it's that like yeah it's that like chug it's like if you know they they don't like dive into it right it's like it's it's it's like a it's that like florida conservatism where it's like you know like they they don't touch on immigration but it's like i just i just want to drink my beer and shoot my... Anyway, they brought Kyle on, who, by the way, when all this was happening, was still very much a minor, I think.

He was 17, just turned 18, or just turned 17. He just killed two guys with a gun. Whether or not he has any mental or emotional trauma from that, I don't know. I would assume yes, but he has to ham it up because he's making money and he's famous now. He goes to Turning Point and CPAC and all that shit.

So you got this little fucking cherub chubby boy with rosy cheeks. And under any other circumstance, a 40-year-old veteran who has his own seltzer company now and his whole joke is he's like an alcoholic and like mean to his sons you know he's like welcome to the fucking you know shooting guns and fucking drinking suds podcast i got kyle rittenhouse here kyle you really put

down those two fucking liberal queers and uh i gotta love you for it what do you got to say for that kyle is like oh you know thanks for having, man. You know, you show up to a protest, you gotta bring something other than a skateboard and a bad attitude. And then the fucking veteran is like, do you like tits or ass cheeks? I know you're, what are you, a junior now? Do you be getting pussy now that you killed two men

with an M4 carbine? Like, I just gotta ask, do you like Latinas or Asians? Do you like big, like, they were asking him, like, really overtly sexual questions, I guess, because that it's a topical thing for that type of podcast. Like, first of all, you're bringing on a guy that just killed two people. Whether or not it was right, you know, I don't think it was, but who really gives a fuck what I think. But also, he's still a kid.

but also he's still a kid like when uh when we've talked about before like when dave portnoy brings on the tiktok teenagers and he's like oh i heard you got pussy from trixie to lego lego glia i heard i heard that i heard y'all went to the young poopy concert and she sucked your dick in the port potty that's crazy and he's like yeah no cap bro i got pussy it was super fi And he's like, yeah, no cap, bro. I got pussy. It was super fi. And he's like, dude, respect, because I've been hitting the gym, and I'm trying to, you know, if I was 20 years younger, you know, I'd be up trickling. I'd be in tricksies sliding in those DMs. You know, like it's disgustingly old man horny.

But he gets to do it because he's the barstool guy. It's still retarded, and it's still stupid. But when you're bringing on a guy who killed like a teenager who you know like killed two people and you're like so do you like reverse cowgirl i feel like it's kind of an uncomfortable position but you know the views are better i ain't that right kyle kyle is just kind of like dead-eyed in all the interviews he's like yeah um you know i like big booty big booty latinas brother because i i would like i don't want to like to think it sounds he's he's like he's like i like blonde white girls just like dead eye yeah yeah it's i like um like i don't know like i said i don't i don't know. Like I said, I don't know. He's like, I like 10-year-old girls.

Dude, that would have been such a funny move. If they're like, so, bro, do you like hitting it from the back? He's like, I like, I'm a, honestly, I just like drawing pictures. I like drawing pictures, and I draw it on a thick piece of paper, and I cut a a penis size hole through it and I'll fuck it until I start crying. Idiot. Yeah, like if he, if they bring him on with the understanding that he's like, he's on the level, he's like a chug-a-lug beer drinking conservative, but he's clearly disturbed from the fact that he killed two people and he's like, yeah, you know, what I'm really into

lately is, um, I don't even, I don't, I don't even beat off. I kind of just squeeze it real hard. I like it when a bitch shits on my face. I like it when a fucking old-ass bitch shits in my mouth, and then puts a gun to my head and says, this is your fault. This is all your fault. That's what I like.

I have the same M16. I have my dad's M16. I used to kill those two guys. I just like it when a girl from ASU comes over and puts the barrel in my butt cheeks. I like it when a bitch puts a gun in her pussy and then puts a gun in my mouth and then she fucking

puts a gun in my fucking dad's mouth. It's mostly my mouth but a little bit of pussy too thanks kyle so purple mattress uh i ain't fucking finished yet y'all brought me on the fucking y'all brought me on to the to the burpees and beer podcast here here in miami ford and i'm just here to say i don't regret killing those two people and every day before i go to bed I fucking I take my dad's witness 1911 and I shove it up my ass and I every night I chew on a Ridge wallet till I

can't fucking feel my teeth anymore Kyle bro the way that you fucking drain those two dudes honestly man respect I got one question to ask do you like do you like little teeth

and when you get your dick sucked honestly bro all I think about lately is fucking blood dude like I can't I can't think about

I like he's like honestly I like I like to hit it whenever it goes on her period and they're like damn you nasty and he's like yeah cause it's it goes on her period. They're like, damn, you nasty.

He's like, yeah, because it's like she's dead already. You know? Yeah, he just like... They're like, oh, yeah. We've got on fucking... We've got Mr. Beast here. We've got Kyle. Mr. Beast, you know.

Oh, shit. Mr. Beast, you know. Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast made this young kid's day by killing 100 people and pinning it on him. Yeah. He didn't even have to pull the trigger. Mr. Beast and Kyle Rittenhouse get fucking matched up and he made

Kyle's day by killing a hundred more guys in an anti-foot protest with a 50 caliber turret gun. Mr. Beast throws a baby

off a balcony unsure of what that will lead to. Mr. Beast gives pedophile unlimited access to fucking children's ball pit playground. Mr. Beats gives pedophile unlimited access to fucking children's ball pit playground. Mr. Beats gives some guy head.

The thumbnail, he's like fucking soy facing in front of an old man. Yeah, he's soy facing with the fucking shadow of a penis on his forehead. The shadow of an old man's nutsack like in the foreground. We went to the biggest parking lot in Las Vegas and sucked 10,000 dicks. We went to Africa and let a bunch and let...

I went to Africa and let 20,000 kids fuck me. Oh my god. He's got a truckload of shoes he doesn't even open it no people are like it's funny when he like goes on twitter and he's like i restored sight to 10 000 people and everybody thinks i'm a bad guy and it's like no man i think it's just because like it's clear that you have a tainted soul like everybody you can just kind of tell you know that he uh i know what you mean but also i don't care no i think like like whenever people are like yo he's capping mr beast is low-key like like bro he you know damn well like he a bad person it's, I'll tell you who else is a bad person.

Most people. Yeah, good point. Like, my neighbor probably hits his dog and stuff, you know? Mr. Beast, maybe he hits his dog, but he also does some good in the world. That's fine. Does he call himself Mr. Beast? Yeah, but we have a show called pendejo time that's pretty stupid you know any of the money the charity no i haven't i think i've

donated probably a hundred dollars to charity in the last year yeah probably i think i and most that's been you donated twenty dollars to me for a couple days so that i could um get eat food um but that was only let's see two days ago so you know i mean that shit happens man you know um now i think about it i've actually asked for money way more than i have given in the um thank you again to everybody who gave us a bunch of money last year. Yeah, I... This was sick. I do remember posting...

This was, like, COVID time, and I, like, posted my Venmo. I was like, hey, I'm just... You know, I'm having trouble fucking getting food. Really just, like, want to, want to order some takeout or something. I need some gas to get to and fro. It's a dirty feeling, you know, like being a digital beggar. But people really like to be giving money away. I think if me and you did it now, it would be bad. I don't think it's normal. I think if me and you did it now, it would be bad because we make money.

I don't think it's bad to do, but you make money. It's bad at any time, but if it's an emergency or something, people don't care. Yeah, for sure. I really think people don't care. Whenever I remember, it was like a year or two ago, I posted something like, or this was last year, i posted something like or this was last year i posted something like like hey i i'm kind of low on like gas money but nobody has to give me anything but i'm gonna put my cash up here i know this is bad but you know yeah and i was actually like a month behind on

bills but i wasn't gonna be like oh god i i don't know what i'm gonna do yeah because i was renting from family and it's like yeah i'm not gonna get evicted yeah you know i know it's it's gonna be all right but people sent me like a lot more than i uh thought i would get and it ended up like catching me up on bills. It was exactly as much money as I needed to not be worried about money for a few weeks, which is insane. I felt like if I was going to become religious,

that would have been the time to do it. Yeah. But it wasn't time for me you know i i uh i was really grateful that that people that people gave me money for my dad's funeral because like yeah that wasn't that like lucky though you know what i mean of the situation it wasn't like people were like i i don't think anybody like i said i think i told you this before nobody was jealous of you you know it's like nobody's like fuck jake got like three grand just for his dad dying you know it's like no man that yeah that's true very justified i'm like at the bar bragging i'm like dude my dad killed you also

shut down the gofundme like as soon as you you know you could have kept it going you still lost money a little bit left over but it was like enough to like we all went to dinner like it's like a you know a family thing and it like whatever but i like i'm thinking like in the same way that like andy no and all those right wing guys like get gofundmes for like a hundred grand for like getting dumbed by some antifa fucking loser uh yeah dude i get shot in the fucking head for a hundred thousand for like getting dumbed by some antifa fucking loser yeah dude I get shot in the fucking head for a hundred thousand dollars I've been thinking about like if I lost everything

somehow like just become a right wing fucking like pundit and then go to protests and get fucking cold clocked by some social media manager in a fucking balaclava and then just start a gofundme and then like used car salesmen and like boat guys will just bankrupt themselves in support of your like i need a

hospital like kyle rittenhouse just did it for legal fees he raised like a quarter million dollars in like two days he's like oh my legal fees are stacking up because i killed two guys with a gun uh i fucking blew their brains out and their chests out with rifle rounds, so I need a quarter million dollars. Yeah. The thing with the right-wing crowd, though, is when they turn against you, they really do turn against you. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, it's kind of.

Like if somebody, for example, that Bill Mitchell guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, he kind of turned heel on... He became anti-Trump, I think. Yeah, and like pro-DeSantis or whatever, which I don't give a fuck about that. Not my business. You know, you got like 62-year-old women in his reply.

It's like, we will never forget what you have done. Yeah, yeah. You're a loser, Bill. You're a fucking... Bill. You're a fucking... Bill, you are a cocksucker. We know you're secretly gay, you fucking queer. But it's weird. It's like, Jesus, where is all this coming from?

I thought you liked this guy. Well, it's weird what you can get away with if you just don't, if you never, ever, ever bite the hand that feeds you. Because Matt Gaetz, dude, it wasn't just his adopted boyfriend. A bunch of shit came out of his aides, like former people he worked with were like, oh, this guy loves rent boys. He's like an old school gay guy. He goes to pool parties in California, allegedly, like does poppers and like you know guys are

cleaning the pool and he's like i've got a pool that needs cleaning and then it gets his dick sucked by like you know fucking ucla students or whatever but he still likes trump so all of his replies are like hey i hope none of that stuff's true about you fucking guys i'm really glad you still loved our president though i i stand behind you, and I know the evidence is mounting, Matt, but as long as you don't say Trump is a threat to Christianity, then I think I'm okay with you. It's like Dave Rubin. He's outwardly gay, but he's also a Fox guy and a Trump guy.

And so, like, his replies are the same 62-year-old women. They're like, Bill, you traitorous cocksucker. I hope you die. They're like, Dave, I know you're a fucking abomination to the Lord, but you hate Mexicans. And honestly, that's way more important to me than my homophobia, I suppose. Yeah, the Dave Rubin thing is weird because it's like you see other right-wing guys go on a show,

and he does kind of push back. Yeah. I guess. But then it's just awkward. Yeah. Like he's still friends with them. Yeah. Even though they clearly hate each other.

Well, it's like the Matt Walsh phenomenon where he's kind of like he's a little too much evenant, like, people who are like, I want Christian nationalism here. Like, he is too much for those guys. So, like, he goes on Rogan and he's like, I think 2 million children are on beta blockers or puberty blockers. And they've cut off 10 million penises. And then, like, they look the numbers up and it's like there's, like, less than 1 that are on puberty blockers and like they've never done srs to a child like ever or whatever and he's like oh well you know i got the numbers kind of fudged uh a little bit there uh but you know it's close you know it's uh you know a lot there's a lot of evil in the world and then he'll go on you know some other right-wing show and they're like so you want to like kill drug dealers

and drug users and you want to jail Mexican people and Chinese guys? We just don't like them. We just kind of think they're stinky. But, yeah, you know. Yeah, it happens. You know, it really sucks for him that he looks like such a huge pussy and really is one. He's just a big smug bitch.

He doesn't look like a guy who, you know, I think. Ashley, are you talking to Dolly in there? Are you talking to the dog? She's over there Dolly, Dolly, Dolly Anyway, hey If you like this shit You should check out

Patreon.com Slash Matt Walton Just kidding Patreon.com Slash Bandeo Time Throw us five bucks a month You get four extra episodes a month

One a week Wow That's a crazy fucking good deal If you pay ten bucks a month You get a video episode I'm heading to Fort Worth this weekend I'm gonna film with Thomas Fifty bucks a month You get all that shit Discord access Wow! and you don't get a lot in return, please do that. I kind of miss that era of the show. Yeah, let us know. We don't have high standards for ourselves or the companies that sponsor us. If you sell something that kills people and you can't find anywhere to sell it, I don't care.

We will do an ad read for Halliburton. We don't give a fuck. I'll do an ad read for, I don't know. Poison. How about poison? As long as you're not selling children, I'm pretty sure we'll promote it on the show. I'll sell the hell out of some kids on this show. I don't give a fuck.

As long as they're not mine. Anyways, thanks, guys. Goodbye.