Pendejo Time - God 2

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

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link below for zero glyphosate collagen and coffee I was just reading this fucking based guy's bio I'm looking to people I think it's nice that influencers are pedaling supplements again yeah it's kind of nostalgic

for me I'm like oh it's and I'm serious by the way because for a while everybody was just it was like joke writing courses or something like it would be like yeah you you want to learn how to be a content creator or whatever you know now

um we're back to selling vitamins yeah I was thinking about this day like when I was growing up I remember my mom and all her friends were on the like uh like diet pills or whatever you know what I mean like the Mexican like diet pills and they would come on the TV at like one in the morning and it would be like a fucking hot blonde lady

at the beach and be like you want to fucking look like this bitch instead of what you look like you fucking stupid fat idiot and you know you're a lady in the U.S. you go yeah I die I die yeah I do you know and it turns out they were just like giving ladies heart attacks because it was like

it was like a fedra basically it was like the shit that's in Sudafed that they used to make meth but like pure pure as the driven snow and it was given a bunch of fat ladies heart attacks and it was killing them deader than the fucking coffin nail and And I remember as a kid being like, who would fall for this?

Surely when I become a man and there are women in my life, I would never fall for anything like that because I am not, you know, a consumerist pig and I will never be fat. I will always have a six-pack and I'll have a million dollars by the time I'm 18 to 20 years old and my penis will probably be pretty thick by then too. And then, you know, 20 years goes by, 25 years goes by from that initial thought and moment. And I buy shit all the time I see on Instagram. You know what I mean? I buy stuff all the time that I think will make my testosterone go up.

It's not steroids. Even though I know that it's fake and it's not real. Literally like no evidence shows that anything but TRT works. And I know all sorts of people that are like, yeah, I found this tea on Instagram. It's supposed to make you skinny. And then I have to be like, well, you and I both know the only thing that makes you skinny is a caloric deficit and, you know, high-intensity cardio. and it's like, yeah, but what if you didn't have to do that? What if you didn't have to do that?

What if you could just fucking eat cheese steaks and fucking shit mud every day and then just fucking have a six-pack? I guess that's Ozympic's the only thing that's actually worked. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it just makes people not eat as much. Yeah.

It also makes people not addicted to drugs as much, which is pretty crazy too. This does have some negative effects like that. It means. the junkies can't have fun. Yeah. I didn't want to get off the crack, but I got on them those fucking junkies. Yeah.

Were your parents into that? I mean, I guess being people of God, they probably weren't buying stuff off infomercials. No, we didn't have satellite for a lot of growing up. My dad would always get mad at the... He would get annoyed with the fact that there weren't shows on TV that he wanted, so he would cancel the service. A lot. Did I ever tell you, so do you know a guitar player, he dresses like Zorro?

He wears like construction guy sunglasses and he wears a black Zorro hat with a black shirt and a black bandana. And his name is Esteban. And he plays classical guitar. Do you know about this? No, I did not. Okay. So he was on infomercials way back in the day. And it would come on at like two in the morning and the camera would fade like a, like a,

cross dissolve into this dude with his head low with a black hat over his eyes and he had a big black Mexican Western shirt with a big black bandana wrapped her in his head with construction loke sunglasses on I swear to God I'm not fucking with you this is what he looks like let me see if I can send it to you I'll send to you right now anyway while I'm sending it to you so Jake I don't want to look at my phone while we're recording oh you never do that that's right I'm sorry So my dad My dad gets blackout drunk one night And he was like

I want to learn how I play Mexican guitar So he orders And this Esteban guy comes on Fittl de tittle pit Hey if you ever want to play Traditional Spanish guitar Learn from Esteban By a classical

Esteban nylon string guitar And learn from the best Flamico guitar player Esteban and my dad was like, I want to learn how to play Mexican guitar. So he bought like a $500 Esteban guitar and like a $200 DVD, say, like Max just credit card out on it. I'm pretty sure we, like, didn't have groceries in the house.

And anyway, come to find out, Esteban is a white guy who's like 80 years old named Stephen Paul. He's from Pittsburgh. He's not even 2% Mexican or Spanish or even Brazilian or like Argentinian or any of that shit. He's like an H-Back guy from Pittsburgh who, like, just dressed like a, dressed like a cartoonish, evil Mexican, wears like a black kind of crocodile Dundee, cowboy hat with, I sent you the picture, with this big black button-up shirt and the black

bandana and the black loaks, and then just kind of, he kind of does like a Stephen Seagal where you're like, oh, he's got the voice and the look. Yeah, the motherfucker is not even, so my dad got got by this, like, fucking white, trickster and the guitar arrived to the house and it was just broken all the tuning pegs were like

snapped off the strings were like this it was like a guitar you'd buy in a Mexican market like in Cancun or some shit and the DVD was like all scratched to shit it just did not work like at all

and I remember when he tried to get his money back he called the number on the back of the DVD case and an Indian guy answered the phone and the Indian guy was like yeah I saw it We don't know anything about this, bye-bye.

So, like, I don't know, you know, all this is a legend. I don't want to get sued by Esteban, but this is, like, a bit of, like, early 2000s lore, like, late-night infomercial lore. Because my mom would buy all the teacups and, like, all the fucking, you know, doilies and toiletries and stuff. And then my dad would get fucked up, and he would buy the, like, BC Rich Warlock, the motherfucking wizard edition. and it would be like a black guitar with like blood on the fretboard it's like absolutely like nothing but like ramen in the house

I'm just like well you know I mean it's my you know it's my money so and the guitar would get there and he'd be a piece of shit and uh you know my dad would play it for like two weeks and he would pawn it and he would take it to the pawnshad

and be like this is an official the wizard motherfucker guitar from the BC rich warlock Vault of Demons. And the pawn shop guy would be like, this guitar is worth $60. It's worth $60, man, and it barely works.

But they'd be like, no, that can't be. It's from the Vault of Demons. It's from the official Pantera Dimebag Darrell Vault of Demons guitar. And the guy would be like, yeah, I don't know what that is, but I'm an appraiser. I'm going to praise guitars for a long time. This is made from MDF fiberboard.

And it looks like the pickups aren't connected to anything. wiring-wise, and the strings, I think, are made out of, like, a die-cast alloy. They're snapping her off pretty easy. So, I don't know who. I'm not sure who's running the vault of demons these days, but I'm going to go out on a long limb and say that they are cutting corners at the vault of demons' guitar factory. You might want to get Dimeback Darrell on the horn.

I do believe he was recently assassinated. But, yeah, my parents fell for that shit a whole bunch. My dad bought a sound system from this guy on the side of the road who was selling speakers and sound systems and he comes home with it and he's like, I got a great deal on the sound system we're going to be fucking blowing a roof off of this fucking thing

and plugs it in, no lights come on you know, plugs it into a different outlet no lights come on. Goes and gets the generator, plugs it into the generator, no lights come on. He gets a Phillips head screwdriver and undoes the back.

There are no guts in the stereo. It's just the housing. It's just... He did this shit literally all the time. And then he would be like, well, you know, sometimes it happens to you. You get got in this life. You know, you get,

you get scammed twice a month out of several hundred dollars that you really needed for your family for them to have medicine and food. you know, at least I got this stereo that has no speaker in it, and I got a Vault of Demons edition. Top Bag Daryl Pantera guitar that doesn't even have a plug-in for where you'd plug it into an amplifier. Anyway, I hope to do the same thing to my family, because I do like seeing something on my phone and going, I have to have these boots. Eyes, has to have these alligator skin fucked up boots from Sheen.

From sheen for men. Probably made with like a girl's skin or something. You got sheen cowboy boots? I've actually never bought sheen cowboy boots, but I did buy a pair of boots off of Amazon that looked really nice in the photos and they were just straight butt. They were not made from real leather.

It's a waste of my time and money. Good. But I've never... An animal was saved. Hashtag woke shit. Hashtag woke shit, motherfucker. Whoa, I just saw it some woke shit and I kind of liked it. forgive me father for i have sinned uh okay please confess your sins

i saw some woke shit father and uh i'm sorry to say this i know it doesn't please the lord father but i i kind of liked it well there's there's no way to make up for this that's no sorry we can't do any hell marries or our fathers or anything this is the one thing that's not okay in the catholic church i'm not even gonna lie to you i forgave a murderer like two hours ago um but i don't even have anything in the books for woke stuff i forgive everybody because most of the shit never happened to me yeah also it really honestly i'm not going to even hold you you're saved by the grace of god uh you know jesus dying on the cross so all this stuff is theater but but but you did say you liked woke shit

so that one actually is going to send you straight to hell I'm sorry I must confess I may love to a sexy babe the guy has to be like

ugh gross well I have to ask my son what did what did the the bitch look like well she had father

she had perfect little she had perfect little nipples and one of them they were pink Like a cat One of them was pierced Father And

Pierce like a cat's nipple Correct And she had a tattoo of a hummingbird On her hip And her name was candy Yeah I just had to wipe my mouth off On the curtain Sorry your father

What was that? I couldn't hear you I said that That she probably had uh that she you probably felt uncertain uh yeah that is true i was i felt uncomfortable at first um on the count of i i know that it's not godly to be with a loose um but she's loose i'm sorry father what was that i said she has how how's your shoes are okay father they are tied a little tight i just came from work did you work during

did that happen at work i did we uh she works at the restaurant where i work i'm a fry cook and she is a hostess and uh we had we uh we um had intercourse in the walk-in freezer uh father did she leave her to die after i'm sorry what was that i would have left her to I said, does you think you would cry after? I did cry, Father, because I knew that I had sinned against God, and that's why I came straight here to the church, father, to confess my sins of infidelity and un-crisis-like behavior. Well, I think I can already think of a way you could atone for this.

How is that, Father? This is going to sound bad. this is going to sound really bad okay no it's okay i'm willing to accept my punishment you're not going to like what i'm about to say but it's the only thing i can think of there might be other way it's the only thing i can think of they might help okay do you still work at this restaurant i do i have to go right back after this i'm on my lunch break yes do they do gift cards uh they do yes okay well i have a i guess a follow-up thing to say after

this but but I guess what I would do with you know in regards to your sin is is I would go back to where it happened with with the same woman

and I would do it again and this time I would probably tie her up and leave her in there I'm sorry. Sorry, Father, it's a little loud in the church. What did you say? What I said was, it might be hard,

but I want you to go back with the same woman and do it again. Uh-uh. But this time, if I were you, I'd try tying her up and leaving her in here.

Okay, that's what I thought you said, Father. I just... No, this time that is what I said. And when you leave a woman in a freezer, it's going to hurt her and there's a good chance

it's going to kill her okay I'm not going to lie to you father I am a little confused but I'm going to stay with you right right and so circling back with the coupon situations or a coupon I guess

is a gift card is like a coupon that it's 100% but only up to a certain amount right would you say $200 is probably around the cap yeah 200 bucks yeah

gotta look into that because my friend is having a birthday soon he loves gift cards from restaurants that he hasn't been to okay it's basically his favorite thing or a place that he tried once and kind of

couldn't even remember if he likes but now he has to go back because he has a gift card okay yeah so whenever you put the lady and this is I know this sounds cruel it sounds like something that's wrong and it sounds illegal

but I think if you bang the shit out of that lady and you leave her body in the freezer all tight up I think it's gonna give you a really sexy rush and you're gonna think about it when you jerk off

for a long time wait a minute you're probably gonna think about it every time you jerk off probably every time you come wait a minute father I don't understand

I don't understand I don't know this is a little unorthodox we're at an orthodox church father I just I'm a little confused I'm Eastern and unorthodox I'm from Philly

unorthodox church I'm from the Philly and orthodox diocese So what's you gonna wanna do Is you gonna want to do is you gonna want And I don't know how to wear this exactly There's probably a slightly more church He would have word this

But when you fuck your wife Which your pussy's probably messed up from being her wife but whenever you try and do that and it sucks when you think about a woman that you probably you know probably cause a real situation with

probably going to come a lot faster yes sir father and that's the only reason why I do these you know why I do these confessions and that's me kind of confessing something too you know yeah but yeah look into that gift card situation for me

because my friend loves... He seems like every few months he's having a birthday and I always go. Yeah, no problem. I will look into the... Thank you, Father. I hope I'm absolved of my sin and I...

No, I mean, I don't think that's going to happen for you and I don't think there's really any chance of you getting to where I am. Flexing on the congregation. Yeah, I'm like crazy godly. You know, like kind of crazy committed to this.

And, like, you know, kind of ordained and divine by God, kind of, you get it, you know, and you're, you know, you're having sex with women in the freezer, you know, it's crazy that you would even think, it's crazy that you would even think that you would ever get to be like me, you know. No, I will never get pussy. I don't know if you guys understand. Yeah. I got something better. Right, to love a relationship, a deep relationship of God. I got that juicy. what's that

that Jesus pussy oh okay yeah yeah if my mom hears this episode specifically we'll never speak again that's just your father I just got to let you know that's going to be that's going to be

one that I'll just you know never uh never quite iron out that wrinkle you know but that's okay well I don't think Catholics you know from what I understand are going to heaven as it is and this was all from a well Eastern Orthodox and Catholic a little bit

different. Yeah. But both as far as we know, they have foreign languages that they try to speak to God and that don't work. It's got to be English. Yeah. Gotta be English. His Latin mess of

God is too busy to be looking at Latin or be parsing through that shit. You know, he probably speaks Spanish. Mm-hmm. Um, because hell it seems like they're the, probably the main ones talking to them nowadays. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is probably the Spanish guys. Now, here's my thing, because Allah is, like, the Abrahamic God also, do you think that God is getting, like, all the fucking, like, the Abrahamic God's got to have, like, a stacked fucking calendar? He's getting the Jewish prayer. He's getting Christian prayer. And he's getting Muslim prayer.

They're all the same God. you know so well depends on who you ask I think I mean I'm pretty sure that's just one of the only things they can agree on is a we don't know for sure what's going on

with any of those they could be three different guys they could be three different guys because if yeah I don't know I am you don't know

you got it the only thing the only thing we know for sure isn't real is probably Hindu Buddhism Hinduism Buddhism Shintoism Jainism

I think those it's not looking strong for those it's definitely looking like Abrahamic definitely it is 100% I was just talking to JT about this like if I had to put a dollar on it it's one of those three you got a 33% chance

if you're like one of the two or three billion people in the world probably I feel like the janeus and stuff though it's like they probably get to slide in on a technicality where it's like your religion is being

like so docile or whatever that it's like all right well I guess you didn't really hurt anybody you were just sort of acting like a mouse your whole life because you thought that's what you're supposed to do yeah yeah

oh I actually my job is my religion is I sweep and I don't kill bugs I'm like okay well that's you get it come on it's fine I mean you're basically a fairy but that's fine yeah

Zoroastrianism is not happening you know they'd be leaving their dead people on big ass towers you can't be doing that in my mind when I think about the

god of Abraham The Jewish one looks like Paul Giamatti, but big. He just looks big like Paul Giamatti, and he's got the glasses in the hat. And then Jesus... I like the idea of Jewish God being an Italian guy. Of course, yes. That's exactly what's happening. And then Christian God, we all know, big beard, you know, robe, you know, throne of light type deal.

He's wearing a Henley. He's got loaks on. and then Abraham Allah he is like he's just big brown guy

bald jacked but short but he's big so I mean like I guess he would be taller than me but in terms of like being a large monster he would be stout if that makes sense like you know

when you're thinking about like a hundred foot guy he's probably like 40 feet and just really yoked and bald probably no hair and like a orange robe that's like that's what when i think of a lot that's kind of where i'm at with it so paul giamati uh i guess odin pretty much like american odin and then um i guess maybe like a bald azizan sari on steroids that's kind of who i see uh when i think of them it's just what pops into my mind it's not based on anything you know I mean, it's not like, I haven't had like an interface with any God. I haven't prayed or talked to God in many years.

Yeah, I just said three different guys from work, which probably not. Don, Tim. Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think Christian God would look like Mike. Yeah, no, I mean, it is good to know that, yeah, you know, when Mormonism came around, it was like, hey, we might not agree on it, but if we were going to figure it out, think we did it before Mormonism. We did it before the 1800s. I like how there's like a, just a consensus among everybody that that one's not the one. You know what I mean? Like,

I'm agnostic. I don't think I, I don't, I don't, I'm 99% sure it's nothing. But, you know, there's always the fucking, hey, who knows? I know it's not Mormonism. 100%. You know, I know it's not Mormonism or Scientology. 100%. And so whenever I find, whatever, I meet somebody that's Mormon, Jehovah's witness, too. You're, you're, get out of there. It's not happening. But, yeah, when you're a Mormon, it's like, come on, dude. You, do you think that one?

That one. I'm going to go out on a long limb and say that it's not that one. Yeah, probably not Scientology either. Yeah. Which just seems to be the worship of Tom Cruise. At this point I don't Yeah I don't know

Maybe we could start like our own thing Church of Pendejo Pendejoism Yeah we could start like a black church for white people Uh huh I love that What are the ten commandments What's the number one most important one Ten commandments

Of Pendejoism Well we might not even need ten let's go five Yeah because if we do 10 It's like that's been done Yeah Five Decidments

Okay Number one Most important one Get money That's probably the most important Decidment number one Get money Yeah yeah

Decidment number two Spend money Spin hell of money Yeah Spend hell of money Which brings you to Spend money In parentheses

Spend Hell of money. Yeah. And then that brings you to Decidement number three. Get more money. Because you spend it. Get more money. Get all,

and then in parentheses, get all the money. Yeah, yeah. And then Decidment number four, um, uh, fuck, fuck hella,

fuck hellah hose. Fuck hose. Fuck hellah hose. Yeah, the parentheses. Yeah. And then Decitement number five, um,

uh, no killing. No killing. No hell of killing Yeah, no killing Hell of no killing Uh huh Hell of no killing

Yeah Quit killing these motherfuckers Quit fucking killing Yeah that's my Decidement to the world Quit fucking killing each other's Remember when uh Like the like the rap

Like in the rap world We're like I guess when like the gang stuff Was still like hot It's kind of died off That was basically the PSA That like every rapper would do like at an award ceremony or any like it hey i'm speaking to the crips and the bloods right now quit killing motherfuckus you you i'm speaking to i'm speaking to the gds the cribs you guys got to

stop all right i know that i have a billion dollars and i'm here in los angeles but y'all got to stop with the violence imagine three decides to change the world number one quit killing on these hell of girls number two decide to change the world quit spending all your money and you spend it and don't spend it on the earth if the three

the sidemen can change the world I'd say everybody come together and and and and try to learn long and

and that's all I got to say if you stay you swarms If I ruled the world I'd make one Decidment Black diamonds and pearls And give me

And no more violence Oh damn I love him, love him baby Amen We haven't have another word for amen It can't be amen Instead of black diamonds and pearls Black guys, women, girls

Addressing the congregation That's only who's allowed to church Black guy women girls Black guys and white women Sorry, it's a very strict lifestyle You've got to be a brother This is our first interaction Interrational Church

Founded by two white guys who are in non-interracial couples. We just want to see that shit. Hey, if you're a black guy or you're a white woman, you're always welcome to recite the decidments with two original-ass fucking Pendejoists. Yo, I'm gonna leave this off with a little, a few bars. I just start off the top of my head.

Okay, let him hear it with them. White guys and Latinas, they is the same. black guys and latinas they is the same latina one white girl that is the same latina one black girl that is the same black guy with latina it is the same white guy with latina it is the same black guy with a white girl that's the same white girl uh no black guy with a gray girl that's the same gray guy with a white girl that's the same uh if you open up your your your book of hymns, you'll see black guy with a gray girl, and that's

our first hym. I saw a big black guy with the little green girl. Hey, yo, black guys, quit taking all the green women that are one centimeter tall. Dolly? Oh, hey, one second, bud. One second, brother.

Jake's got to go, but we got something to say a gray guy and a green girl that is the same green guy and a gray lady that is the same if you take a purple lady and combine with gray guy then you might see when the sky is way high green guy with a pink lady uh-huh a blue guy with a yellow sponge uh-huh yeah all over this under the sea it's so fun all over the under the sea it's so fun green guy with a blue guy that's okay A blue guy With a blue guy

That's not okay You take a green guy With the great guy And the green girl That's okay Okay okay Hey hey hey Sorry I thought

My dog was like Broke or something I thought Yeah your dog Broke It ain't got no pants Why at the club Asking if we could get wings

And ain't pitch a dollar in Always trying to take Heavy ass hits off the blunt And even contribute No fronto No grabber your dog ain't put nothing in the blunt I can't hear you

check check check check your dog ain't put nothing in that blunt I passed the blunt to dolly and she was taking big ass puffs and she ain't put nothing in there but licks she just licked it to close it and Hank always still in my lighters yeah he'd be doing that

I thought she like broke her leg She came out of the kennel And her leg was stuck like this And I thought she just broke it from being old But she had her thumbnail stuck in her collar But she was like walking like this Like with a chicken wing And I was like fuck did you dislocate your hip

Standing up your old fucking hag But she didn't she's okay God that would be horrendous Yeah I would probably put her down Because she's old A green dog with the great dog It makes a yellow puppy Yeah that's okay

Because you might be lucky Oh, correct. I'm the, I'm the, yeah, I guess I'm like the past... Bucc. Bucing the messages with a gold radio microphone.

Yeah, 100%. No, I'm with you on that. This is like the type of stuff that Adrian Brody wanted to do on S&L. Yeah. Really? Is that true? Yeah, he was like, really awful to work with

from what I can... Like, as a writer? Like, as a host. Oh. Like, he came up with, like, fake dreads on and stuff that started doing a Jamaican accent at one point. And it was, like, not something he ran by anybody before. I love what good actors are, like, not. There's nothing like, like, Daniel Day Lewis is, like, an intellectual.

You know what I mean? And he's, like, like, a traveled guy real quiet and very serious. But I love what, and that's cool. Obviously, that's great. He's an artist. I love when crazy good actors are like that You know what I mean? They're just like showing up to host S&L with dreads

Just like, hey, brother, Big up, big up from Brody Man. It was like they were about to do an intermission or whatever And he was, he was introducing the next musical guest Which was like Shaggy or something. Oh my God. He was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, when they're stupid. Like, like, I've seen a lot of interviews lately with Josh Brolin, he's retarded, dude. He's so stupid. And like, I don't know why, I guess because he's, he's just in so much kind of like cerebral stuff. He's like the old boy

remake, obviously no country for old man. But like, he was, he's one of those like California guys who grew up really privileged, but he got into drugs early. And so he talks about life like he was like a street, like an Orange County street guy, like a surfer rat. But he'll be like, well,

you know, I had to make a lot of hard choices. I had to make a lot of hard choices. And, you know, I made some wrong ones and I made some right ones, but, you know, it was a hard lot. And you're like, oh, you're like crazy good at acting. You're a moron. Like, you're stupid. Like, you're

the Brolin family. Or you know what I mean? Like, Adrian Brody being a dreadlock white guy is pretty sick. I like when they're stupid. It brings a whole new level of it to me. Or, um, I saw an interview with a lady about Stephen Seagre. Gall going on

SNL and he like wanted to make every scene into like oh yeah like as long as I can beat them up at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I'm, we're talking about the same interview where there was a sketch that did not involve him beating up anybody any of the actors and he was like

I'll only do this if I can throw three of them to the table and they were like okay so he was like hip tossing like the whatever season I guess like Sandler and them were on or whatever.

He was just like throwing guys through the fucking tables and then they just had to write that in or whatever. Dude, I love that he's so fat that his fight scenes now they have to film them sitting down. Have you ever seen any of those?

It's so sick. He's awesome. It's like they have to like speed it up. Yeah, they have to speed it up. He's so slow with his hands, dude. He moves his hands like he does his scenes like it's like you or me. Yeah.

It's like if they have me as a stunt double, I wouldn't fucking I wouldn't be able to move fast in any way but also I'm not the fucking star of an action movie Yeah I think there's one

There's one where he like fights himself But they're both seated If he wasn't like a rapist He would be awesome For being as bad as he is No I mean he's crazy Like mentally ill

Like For example Um I've never met a guy in my life who went through a phase where they talked like a Japanese guy and then a different phase where they talked like a black guy.

And I've met a lot of really insane people. It really is from Michigan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For like 30 years, he was like, oh, the honor of the samurai. You know, and now he's, you know, he's like, Ike's old brother, you know. That should

bar you from like doing any more movies. Stephen Segal fights sitting down. He has married two different

Japanese women. No, I'm racist. One of them is Mongolian. So you know, like, how do I say this? Do you know, like, the type of guy

that's obsessed with the Japanese girls and wants to move to Japan? And you're like, ah, that's no good? Not a we've, not a we've, necessarily. He's not even really into anime. He's just like they're more docile there. They're more obedient. Just like a sex tourist guy. Yeah, they're more obedient. American women are too are too, or too, are too, are too, are too

much attitude. So you have to go in the Asian world, they still respect them, man. And so I save enough money and I'm going to go teach English abroad and you can see his penis through his pants. And you're like, God damn, I sometimes, you know, I just want to fucking kill a motherfucker. Anyway, I think Stephen

Seagal was so much one of those guys that he studied ikeido and then he was the first american this is true the first american to open up a gym like an ikeedo dojo like in japan uh i think maybe he was like such a sexual fetishist that that's that's my running theory like you know he couldn't go over there and teach english because he can't read or write uh so he was like all right i'm gonna get good at this fake japanese martial art and uh and then i'm gonna you know be like a sexual you know psycho or the fuck. Clearly, like, autistic.

I don't know if he's autistic. He might just be like an asshole. But sometimes I think that, you know, autism doesn't mean you're always good. You know what I mean? Sometimes you can be evil and autistic. You know? You can be on the spectrum and be just like

an evil guy. Or it's all made up, who knows? Yeah, maybe. To me, you got to be, for me to care, if you get diagnosed as an adult, I'll just say it. you know who who gives a shit yeah you got to you got to just live your life at a certain point if you get diagnosed as an adult with like non-functioning autism that is awesome

I've never heard about that happening right yeah exactly if you're nonverbal and nobody figures out until you're like 40 yeah you can brag about that if if you find a way to right communicate it your whole life you just been like yeah nobody ever thought about it

I mean they're just like I think I have a cousin who got diagnosed with autism in his 30s but yeah

I mean he's he's a normal guy um I think I yeah I think if you're saying you have a touch of the tism

if you're saying anything like that or you're like I have spicy If you're saying it because you have specific niche interests that you're, like, obsessive about. Yeah. Because you want to be, like, good at something easy so you don't hate yourself. Right.

You know, like, oh, I actually, I know every, I, I, I get really obsessive about this one really particular thing that I like. And if you talk to me about that, it's like I know everything about it. it's like yeah you know who else is like that like every child uh-huh yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's not it doesn't which it doesn't mean you're like like that's fine but don't be like yeah well and that's why i get stressed out about life and i feel like i'm not in control of my life and that's why i'm never going to be shit yeah it's like neither are we and we don't have that going on so you might as well not have it Right, right, right.

It's not going to change like, oh, wait, you're having a hard time with life? Huh. Well, just go right ahead then. Everybody clear the way. This person just diagnosed themselves with autism. Yeah. After school. If school is done, you can't have autism anymore.

They can't do shit about that. You want to go to special ed when you're 30? at your construction job Yeah They had That's why you had to tell somebody You had to tell somebody if you had that going on Because they had a class for you

Yeah Where they whipped it out of you Or whatever I don't know Yeah They let you draw They let you draw a bunch And it got rid of it

Now those kids are normal You're fucked Yeah If you have autism And you're grown up You're fucked Because we're gonna find you We're going to hurt you real bad

We're going to break your bones, man We are going to kill you I hate you You We become the killers at night Here at the congregation We're just a bunch of interracial couples And we kill people with autism

Black guy White girl kill people with autism Black guy Autism No, no, black guy with a gray girl. Yeah, yeah. Correct. Amen.

Amen. Yeah, that's right. That's correct. You got a big black lady and an autism guy. Will that work? I do not know. That's not going to fly. That will not work.

That is not going to fly. You have to get rid of the autism bone. It's located in the head. And you can find it at home. Step one. Cut your head open to find the bone. Step two, grab the bone with both of your hands. Step three, pull the bone out. Now you're normal. Step four. Go back to work. Step four, you got to wait to heal. Step five. Go back to work. Go back to work. It's got a, I don't, I'm not like a doctor, right, but like, I don't, I mean, I's like outside of them. I don't think if you, if you're just, like, kind of weird. Because at that point, like, does everybody have autism or ADD?

You know what I mean? Like, do, no. That's what I'm saying. Like, if you're just, like, also, if you're off-putting, I think, I know that this, like, it's hacky to, like, now even acknowledge, like, oh, everybody says you have autism. But, like, something that I think is under-discussed because it's maybe a little bit, like, taboo. Maybe it'll make some people upset. But like, if you're just off-putting and you don't know how to act in social situations, okay, that might just be that you are not pleasant to be around, which I'm going to, I'm going to be honest with you guys, that's okay.

Like, you don't have to diagnose yourself with autism because you're not like a good hang. I'm a terrible hang, usually. If I'm sober, I'm a terrible hang. I'm looking at my phone. I don't know what you said. to me, like, I really want to go back to the hotel room or back to my house and jack off and watch fucking all over the history channel. You know what I mean?

But if you're like, oh, well, I'm so, you know, sometimes I just don't know what to say. It's like, that's just fucking being most people, like, how many extroverted people do you know? Most people I know are fucking shut-ins. Fucking loners. Hear that thunder? Yeah, I got it over here too. It's been raining off and on For the last

I don't even care anymore It just feels like It feels like I'm watching my heart out there Watch it like I'm watching the inside When I see the outside Yeah I guess it's a gloomy guy That's fucking sucks man

Not like Trumpsters helping at all That trumpster fire in DC Yeah I don't know if you guys can smell it down there Can smell it up here There's a big trumpster fire going on in D.C. Yeah, it's burning. It smells like orange hair dye. Yeah, and Cheetos, burnt Cheetos. Great, man. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, that's totally fine with me.

Yeah, somebody forgot to take the trash out. I know there's a Trumpster fire in D.C. Have you seen the taco thing? I don't understand that. They'll be like, it stands for Trump always chickens out, and they're like, oh, it's Taco Trump. Taco Trump. and the thing he'll be chickening out on is like war or like arresting people en masse in the streets they'll be like oh he never falls through he's chickening out I want him to chicken out on that I'm glad I get I want

I don't want him to do any of that stuff also if you're over the age of 10 and you're calling the president Taco Trump we're going to find you the congregation of black guys and gray girls is going to find you we're going to break your bones get over yourself You lost If you're a 60, 70 year old boomer

Why are you even mad at It's over You got 10 years max Like Yeah, talk a taco more like Ipe I always eat poop I always eat

Ipe Okay brother Yeah that's all good I like that type of shit Yeah Oh my goodness I heard there's a, um, yeah, there's, I heard there's a Trumpster, uh, Trumpster fire up on Ipe's peak. Dude, like, we get, like, we get, like, allowed into a writer's room just to see, just to test right, you know what I mean?

And they're like, okay, guys, like, this is your big break. So, like, you know, I don't want, I don't want there to be any pressure. But, uh, you know, if you wow these guys, like, you know, it'll all be real. Like, you know, all the, like, you know, all. the hard work, all that consistency, all that time. Like, it'll be worth it. So, you know, again, no pressure. But, like, you got to go in this. Jason Sudecas is in this room. You know, Ed Harris, at Helms, you know.

So go in there. Any other Eds? Yeah, that's going to age it. I want to make sure all my eds are covered. Is Ed Murphy going to be there? Ed Murphy? Edward Murphy? Is Edward.

Is Edgar Murphy there, please? Yeah, so, okay, so Jason, get this. Hi, Jason Bateman and Jason Sorsman and Jason Sudecas, the three Jasons, as I call them. So get this, there's a big stinky gas floating over Washington, D.C., and it's orange. And it's from a trumster fire that was left to burn. What do you think about that, the three Jasons? Well, I guess I'm Jason Siddakis, and yeah, I like it a lot, Jake. And I guess I'm Jason Schwartzman, and I like it.

That sounds good. And I'm Jason Bateman. I think I have a pretty normal voice, and I think that's great. And I am Jason Hitler. Wait what? Jess on Hitler And I hate This show

The resistance is too strong What a life Start spreading the news I'm leaving today I want to be a big old part of poop Oh man I gotta do all I gotta go to fucking Austin after this

God damn it I've got to record. I've got to do all sorts of fucking shit, man. I'm so fucking busy. Oh, my God. Thomas, I've been having crazy panic attacks that send me straight to the ER. And my blood pressure is like of that of a big old fucking fat nasty man. And the doctors are like, you've got to get that shit out of control.

You're going to die. And I'm like, this never happened before. And they're like, you're getting older. And I'm like, nah. And then basically, I freak out so bad that I don't do anything at all. I don't do anything I'm supposed to do. And I don't do anything I'm supposed to do. And I take a bunch of sleep medicine, and then I just kind of fucking wake up.

You know what I mean? And that's where I'm at with it. That's kind of what... You know how fucking stupid it is? You know what gay it is to go to the hospital and be like, I'm dying? And then, as a man, and then they're like, you just having a panic attack, man. It just keeps happening to me, dude. And it's just, you know, I'm like, ah, this is it.

This is it. It's game over. You know what I would say to them? What? I would say, if I ever come back to any hospital, you guys have permission to fuck this shit out of me. me in a waiting room in front of everybody. And then they're going to hold you to that. Yeah.

And then next time you have a panic attack, the best thing to do if you're having a panic attack is to tell you yourself that there's nothing wrong and nothing is happening. I never thought of it. You say this is not happening right now. This is not happening. Everything is going good.

My life is under control. I never thought of that. Nothing can hurt me. I'm never going to die. I've never died. I'm not dying now. I'm not dying. I won't die.

I'm not dying. I won't die. It's literally me. In my head, I'm like, you're not dying. You're not going to die. You're not going to die. You're not going to die.

I'm not dying. I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die. And then I'm like, Ashley, I think I'm dying. You've got to take me to the hospital. And she's like, and she says, she takes me. And then I talk to a doctor who tells me I'm not dying.

And then they give me a, like, a pill. And I just chill out and I go back home. See, I'm so passive. I think if I was dying, I would drive to the hospital still. I definitely was going to drive one time. And she was like, I was going to call the ambulance. Dude, get this. The first time I went to the ER, like maybe I guess two or three weeks ago now,

I like came upstairs. I had almost passed out. I just stood up and I almost passed out out of the car. And I was like, I'm calling 911. And she was like, well, you don't have the money for that. I was like, I think I'm dying. She was like, I'm just going to take you to the hospital. And I was like, it was just.

just kind of like a, like in my panic mode, I was like, you're right, I don't have the money to go to the, I don't have the money for an ambulance. Like, I, let's say for the sake of argument, I was having a heart attack, just being like, ah, sorry, we don't, you don't really have the money to die right now. It's not really in the funds in the savings account for you to have like a widow maker here in the apartment. So we're going to have to, uh, we'll just take you in the SUV. It's fine. Just lay your fat ass on the back out there. You fucking figure it out. But no, it wasn't. I did have Jason blood pressure, though. That was pretty fucked up.

Like the fish heads, like eating lizards off a pan. That Jason, mind of Jason, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Had some... Not Sadacus. No, not Sadacus. No, not Sadacus.

Turns out you're not supposed to have blood pressure that's like 170 over 100. It's not supposed to be that high. It can be. It's okay. Yeah. If your blood pressure needs to be really high for most of your life, like, honestly like keep up pushing

like if that's what you need to get your shit done is you need to have high blood pressure and you need to die yeah look I mean different strokes for different folks you think uh you know you think Charles Bukowski had good blood pressure

uh maybe he's not remembered for his blood pressure it's true probably not what was uh you know what Hunter S Thompson he probably had really good blood pressure yeah what was um What was Eddie Guerrero's blood pressure? You know, nobody remembers that people remember him for being an amazing wrestler.

No. People will remember you for one thing, and that's your podcasting. Am I, yeah, my comedy. How you, what you need to do and be in order to live this life and have this fame and this lifestyle? 200 over 100. You want to maintain this lifestyle? Stay high. yeah by high i mean blood pressure keep your blood pumping all the time never let it stop

and always be abd always be dying yeah yeah that makes sense yeah yeah yeah that's why it's almost abdl which is something horrible always be dying no those are the guys that wear diapers oh adult baby diaper lover yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah It seems like something really bad happened and all those people. Every time I tell Ashley that I want to do adult baby diaper stuff, she gets viscerally upset with me. Yeah, I would too.

But also because we don't have that kind of relationship. Me and you, we work for, yeah. If I came over to your apartment to do spots, I'm in New York, we're doing shows together. And I say, hey, Thomas, we've been friends six years now. I really want to tell you something and share a moment with you and I took my fucking Levi's off

and I just had a pink diaper on what would you tell me to do? I would say if this is not a prank shit your pants right now shit your pants now shit now shit what if I already did

what if I very clearly have a full diaper if you already had if you had shit and if you came in my house with a shit in your ass Dude, I would be very upset. It's over. Yeah. I'm dissolving the S-Corp.

No, it would be like one of those things where it's like you show up to work, but it's a union geeks. They just send you straight to rehab. It would be like, all right. Well, we're... Yeah, we're going to have to take some immediate measures. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to have to get Jake figured out. You're going to have to live in a fucking zoo for a while, buddy.

You know what's funny is I don't even have the... funny kind of like mental breakdowns where I get into any of that stuff. I just kind of have the pathetic ones. Not to say that ABDL, like adult baby diaper lover, like I'm not trying to kinkshame, but that's... No, it's inherently pathetic. Right. The fuck is more pathetic than wearing a fucking diaper. You know what I mean, right?

It's the most pathetic thing in the world. It's funny pathetic, though. Like, it's funny. It's like a funny thing to think about. But like, for me, like, it's just like, oh, you know, like... Oh, I'm scared Or whatever the fuck How do you even find out

You're into that? How do you even fucking I don't want to know? How do you find out? How do you find out that you're into How do you find out about things that you like Because you're thinking about them? That's true.

Yeah, that's very true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess you're thinking about wearing a diaper and getting your dick sucked So I guess that fuck, dude, that sucks no bad. That fucking sucks so bad. If you listen into this and you're an adult baby diaper ever stop listening i'm sorry i i don't want to lose money i don't want you to stop listening keep

listening to stop doing that stop wearing a diaper yeah it's very to take off the diaper not the headphones yeah yeah that's fine i guess we need your support our audience is mostly people who are into that stuff and i think i can say that comfortably probably but we we got to get you guys to cut back yeah maybe you know it could be like i mean i don't even have a problem with you wearing a diaper just don't wear it with a uh sexual intent yeah yeah because you know there's been times my life where if maybe i'd just be better off wearing a diaper a work all day and just pissing into this and feeling it when i walk yeah yeah doesn't mean it's sexual it's comfort it means i want my uh i want my crotch to be wet yeah i mean you know i used to pressed up against me i used to

wear a diaper still has about eight. Eight or nine, you know? It's mostly because of what happened to, no, it's because of the accident. I'm just kidding. I think I started wearing diapers pretty early. I had a big-ass thing, and it was just, I could unravel it, go all the way to the toilet. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I would, as a baby, as a prank, I'd always put my penis in my mouth. As a prank on yourself. I didn't have teeth Yeah When I had the poop My mom would tell me that I would go Sorry make yourself laugh with that one buddy Well mom told me when I had to poop

I would go hide I would like go hide under the bed Like shit in my pants And she was like what are you doing And I'd be like I have to poop I gotta go hide She's like why And I just remember feeling like I didn't I didn't want to poop

like anywhere I don't remember anything this is when I was a baby but she would like lose me in the house she'd like oh where my boy go and then she'd find me like in the laundry room behind the dryer pooping in my pants as a baby and then I never really had any reason for it I can't think of it still do that sometimes it's like I'll be like you need to use the bathroom or something and it'll be under the couch do you go under your bed yeah Well, man, if you have to shit, go shit, and then open up your laptop and buy two things, buy diaper, by three things, buy diaper, buy a subscription to the show on patreon.com slash potato time. Actually, please, if you do want to sub to the show, please subscribe on like a laptop or a computer or something because the iOS app holds the money. It like holds all the sub money for like fucking 75 days

And it's straight dog shit It's dog A dog's ass So please Yeah just sub on a different way For now Until they get that shit sorted Which they probably won't

I think it's just policy now And then yeah $5 a month access to all the bonus episodes $10 a month access to video episodes Please go to link tree Linktree L-I-N-K-T-R dot E-E slash Pandejo time and buy tickets to the live shows

Chicago, Milwaukee, Chicago and Detroit, 25th, 26, and 27th, about a month and a half of September. Get those motherfucking tickets to be me, Thomas, J.T, and our boy Max Schenker. Doing live stand-up and live podcasting in those three cities. We're going to make a bunch of fucking money, and we're never going to die,

and I'm never going to feel bad again as long as I leave. I'm doing stand... I'm doing stand-up fucking I'm doing stand-up September 11th. Get ready in September 18th at the Velvita Room. And I think those are the only two

spots I have besides our tour. Thomas, you. I have nothing. Swag. Okay. All right. All right, Guy. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye. Bye.