Pendejo Time - god damn

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

my dad used to call him toby queef. Support the Show.

about pee want to talk about guys want to talk about suck a buck oh my me my let him stroke let him choke let him poke let him soak inside me i like sucking on dudes dudes dudes dudes usually but occasionally i let him suck up on me do you like that song is is that a parody is is that a parody yeah because typically like you know with the flow i can pick up where we're going we didn't have a conversation going prior to this just hit record and came in hot with that yeah you know usually i can adapt you know because we'll get kind of a slower flow or something but you're like yeah i was like all right well no that's a toby keith song uh want to talk about me you want to talk about i

want to talk uh all right but you didn't go for notes at all you're just no i well here's i understand but i was in the shower earlier and i was like man i'm tired like i just got back from the gym i like two hours there and i worked really hard and i'm fucking i'm sure i bet you did a really good job in there i did great you know what i did good and then i was like i'm gonna need to i'm gonna need something that's gonna set both of us and then when we did start to call you were like guys what i was like all right i gotta fuck i'm just gonna swing i'm gonna come out hot as fuck with a song from like 18 19 years ago but it's about you know being gay as they want to do and then uh you know figured that might help but you know look i appreciate everything you

put into this show but people should know that behind the scenes i'm putting 10 times that much work in every day day with the creative processes that I'm in the creative process of coming up with and stuff. We joke a lot about Thomas sending the wrong files and stuff, but he actually works like a hundred times harder than any podcaster

that I've ever met. Here's what I'm here to do. I bring the work ethic, I bring the drive. And, you know, I got an imaginative spin on a lot of things people don't realize. Most people wake up every day and what do they do?

They get up and they mope around and they play video games. Right. And they jack off to, you know, weird pornography. Things you could never even imagine. You know. You know, you got

there's things out there you don't even want to see. And these people are just doing that every day. Me, I wake up and I think about Jonah and the whale. And I think about David and Goliath and stuff like that I go to work

no I'm Baptist but I wake up I go to work who do I do it for do I do it for you no no fuck you I do it for God that's true yeah that's really true

I uh weird speaking of like weird jack off stuff uh my like main like you know text group boys whatever like just all my friends it's just usual shit like we just bullshit about stuff um and then either my friend cam my friend ben either one i don't i don't know where they i don't know if they go out like looking for the shit or if they see one of the other guys post it and they dig through but they sent they'll just send like the most fucked up like you know the guys with the the gainer bull guys the big are you any of those group chats what group chats the like the fucked up porn chats there's different there's specific ones and then there's no i mean i'm not but sometimes like my main one just like my friends from real life like they will do that stuff like for a couple of hours well today was particularly nasty uh but no i don't

no no i don't i don't seek that stuff out the thing is i'll get added to chats and forget what they're like designed for whatever and most of chats that have like a specific function or whatever tend to stray from that pretty quickly but these ones that i've you know somebody's added me to or whatever have not um and so i'll just be scrolling through you know checking boys chat you know yeah bro positivity chat you know all the and i hit one and it's just like a guy who has injected so much saline or whatever that his dick is the size of a fucking watermelon. Yeah.

And he's just got these like custom fit jeans holding its giant fucking sack. It's useless. It's useless. And also it makes their penis hole, their urethra. Yeah. It's like the size of a fucking grapefruit. Yeah. It's really a bad situation.

I don't know how they piss. I guess it just falls out. That the least least of their worries dude like dude if you've got like a fucking 30 pound dick that is mostly water that you injected and you have a fucking like tight ass band around it so you don't die i don't think you're like man i hope i don't have to like piss soon i the one that got me so like dude i'm in meetings in the mornings early on like mondays and tuesdays old businessman and uh and today uh like so they always come up as links and i think that's on purpose i think it's like a new twitter i don't know it's been like the last few months that i know something's gonna be fucked up because it's just a link like either i'm blocked or it's a link and or it's like something

it's a link something fucked up so i'm like all right so i'll click on it. And this one was, I guess, like, probably like a 300-pound man in a big, big, big diaper. And he's crawling up a set of stairs. And I was like, all right, this is, you know what? Like, this is just, this isn't even that weird. What really threw me for a loop is a lot of times those guys are single for obvious reasons. This guy at the top of the stairs had a mommy. Like a lady. Yeah, like a handler.

Yeah, like a CIA handler. No, no. I mean like they have. Yes, yes. Dude, that's just part of baby play. That's not even weird. Okay. Okay. You have your handler just part of baby play. That's not even weird. Okay, he, okay.

You have your handler, your caretaker, your mommy who gives you, you know, nurses you and changes your diaper and stuff. A lot of people, like, have made diaper play into this, like, whole weird thing, you know, where it's like they think it's some taboo type of thing where you can't even, like like express yourself through it or whatever. You know?

Wouldn't you agree with that? No. I feel like people are trying to twist diaper play. I wish you guys could see Thomas' little smile right now and I will give you this. No, dude. I will give you this. In the grand scheme of things,'re not wrong no i'm not i'm not wrong there are a lot of things that are way worse right so think about it would you rather

your son from the time he's a baby be in a diaper play or have a daughter I don't that's a tough one just have a daughter that just is like there's just okay here's the thing does my son carry the name

like does he fuck and does he bust inside and does he make that's none of your business why son carry the name like, does he fuck and does he bust inside and does he make love? That's none of your business. Why do you care if your son does that? Jesus Christ, Jake. Because what's the other point of having a son, dude? You want to make a son just so you can fuck?

And make, just keep the bloodline going. So you can fuck vicariously? Dude, I'm a traditional guy. I want my bloodline to be strong. And if he's a baby guy? Dude, neither of us have strong bloodlines. i was joking our bloodlines we're probably like some type of cousin no easy yeah there's no doubt in my mind yeah i think there's like we used to joke and call it like dave blood in my house like they'd be my dad because we all like live together all of us had like been arrested all of us just

you know and obviously it's just we're all like we're drug addicts or alcoholics we're all like lived together. All of us had like been arrested. All of us just, you know, and obviously it's just the world, like we're drug addicts or alcoholics. We're all like, yeah, maybe we all share like an ancestor. I'm like, yeah, it's just, we all have like some type of just the guy who like would go out and he wasn't good at hunting. Uh, and he wasn't good at foraging and he wasn't even good at building anything but every now and then he would like trip over a big boulder and it would like land on a yak and they would eat so every time they would like go to kill our ancestor something would happen to where they're like well i mean he's like he's useless and he's retarded and he's not particularly interesting right so i get what you're saying yeah you're trying to shy away from diaper play right now because you don't

you feel like it's something you can't talk about this is our show yeah and we we i feel like people deserve to hear this are you anti-diaper play because it's like you're turning baby time into something for you it seems almost sexual no um diaper stuff to me and like being in a big high chair shit like that is like reprehensible stuff it's disgusting it's morally right it's bad if you turn it into something weird like you're doing the way you do it oh so you're trying to make the argument that baby play is just not sexual in nature inherently you think it's sexual if you have a mommy waiting for you so you see a diaper and you think oh damn you're doing like queen's gambit chest moves no no i don't want you to think this is

going to be turned against you in some way because that's not something i'd ever do to you no you've never been like i've never been like yeah i like to go to the walmart and you're like to see the kids. Well, no, it's weird because on that note, I've never been to a store with you where there weren't kids. That is true. I mean, you did get me right there. You did get me. the the mcdonald's about my house where i grew up uh they had like the playpen like the play area and stuff and we would like obviously when i was a kid like we would go in there and play

my mom would just like be like for a little bit and like get a breather and i distinctly remember not a not a lot not like an amount where i'm like okay maybe something bad happened to me or a kid in that but one of like the workers would be like hey everybody like ronald mcdonald's and i was like ah like he had a lot of energy and i was like oh this guy's like he would just like come back and like play in the player the clown kids no he just was like one of the french fry guys oh he didn't even put the makeup on he would just like like get in the thing and like hang out and like slide down slides with us and stuff and now when you're a kid and like like you're a kid and you're like oh this is like a like this guy's just having a good time you know like i'm having a good time and it's like i guess

he was on break and now as an adult man i'm like if i'm working at mcdonald's my break time is spent like doing whippets in the walk-in smoking like seven cigarettes and going to my car and taking like two shots and coming back it is not not playing in the play area but this guy like two or three times that i went like he would be in his outfit and he would like in the just the hat and the shirt and would come and like slide around and stuff and be like and as a kid i was like i'm glad this guy's fun he's a funny guy none of the parents did or said anything i get i don't know like it wasn't... Nobody fucking said anything, so I'm like, oh. Right, because that's a form of diaper play. And it's...

I think your parents would agree with me on this. You know? Yeah. Because it's fun to watch. I mean, he did stop being there at one point. I do remember being there. Right, because he worked at McDonald's. Yeah.

And you find another job or you kill yourself. True. Did you ever like the ball pits as a kid? I'm not familiar with those. Big pit, plastic balls in them? I think I've got a general idea. A general idea? I didn't do a whole lot of...

Playing? You were just always on your grind? Well, I went to one of those... Keep in mind, I was a child, so I didn't really choose the environment for myself. Sure. I went into one of those one time. Into one of those. Ah, okay. You walk in and you got the slide you got you get the

gist it it was uh humid in there uh yeah and like stinky yeah like people were crying in there and i i said this isn't my scene you know this isn't what i need to be doing so i haven't been one of those since, except I think at some point, like, I was with my cousins or something, and there was a baby, so I had to be in there or something. Ball pits to me are just a big charade, you know? Yeah, big myth, sort of fake, fugazi. Yeah. I remember my mom at one point being like, you're not allowed to play in that anymore because people do heroin and they leave their needles in there

to stick kids with them. It was something that they would play on Fox News 24-7. And of course, as a kid, I'm like, oh, yeah, whatever my mom says is 100% real. And then I get older and I think back on that. Things like that, that one specifically was one where i'm like now i'm like i used to hang out um with a couple heroin addicts the last thing that any of them want to do is go to where there's a bunch of kids that are going to like wake them up out of their nod and then

to just be like man i did so much heroin today i guess i'll just throw this in the ball like i never hung out with a heroin addict that was like hey do you want to go like pop some pills and hang out at the playpen like i don't know what you got going on but i'm just going to tie off here at the slide um you know that would be sick to do heroin at a playpen i think just to try it i'm not going to i think i would succumb to addiction almost immediately it would suck to be a heroin addict for like three days and then you die and people yeah it wasn't really his whole thing you know yeah it wasn't his personality. He wasn't even one of the cool ones. He didn't even really fight it very well.

He just kind of died. He's kind of a loser. Yeah. Yeah. There was a guy that we hung out with who would come over to our house and, like, just, like, my room was always kind of like the drug room, like, surprise, surprise. Like, if anybody did anything that was a little too hard for the roommates they would go and do it in my room and uh and i was in there doing blow one time and i'm just like i would like get behind my keyboard and i'd be like i'm fucking i'm fucking brian wilson back here dude like and i would like try to write stuff

and i listen to it the next day and it's just like, gang, gang, gang, gong, gong. Like, it's just fucking totally insanity. But anyway, so I'm doing my thing and, like, he comes over. His name is also Jake. And he was like, hey, man, can I, like, tie off in here? And I'm like, yeah, man, I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck. I'm going to go smoke a bunch of cigarettes and freak the fuck out for, like, 30 minutes. I just did too much blow.

I was like, oh, he was like, oh, can I do something? I was like, yeah, whatever. So we did a little bit and I leave. Before I leave, I was i was like hey man uh my only request is that you don't speedball in here that's like my only thing like don't you can do my blow you could snort it do not cook it in the spoon with your heroin and then fucking shoot it up he's like dude i would never do that that stuff's scary to me and i'm like hey man i respect you thank you go outside smoke a bunch of cigarettes, freak the fuck out.

And I come back in my room and he's like, eyes closed, just like, like, just geeking, dude. And I'm like, hey, you know, and he's like, you know, and he's like, what? And I'm like, you uh speedball he's like no and i'm like did you take some and i could see like my bags back out there's some broken up and like he had dropped the spoon like next to him. And I was like, you know, like there was coke on the bed. So like, you know, I could see it. I think like he was shooting like black tar. So there was a clear color difference in like the material or whatever.

Yeah. And I'm like, hey, I've been gone like 45 minutes. You know, and he's out. He's not talking to me. I'm basically talking to myself, but I'm mad because I just, you know, and I out he's not talking to me i'm basically talking to myself but i'm mad because i just you know and i was like i he's getting irritated because i'm fucking with his high so i was like hey i asked you to fucking not so just tell me that you did so i can leave and be pissed I fucking didn't do it, dude. Like, he can't, like, he's, like, like, he's doing, like, the coke mouth stuff, but he's also, like, he just shot heroin. So, he's, like, now, I had, like, snorted morphine and snorted coke, and that shit rocked, but I never, like, tried to IV the two.

I was always just a little too scared to go that route but there was this like moment of tension like the most depressing mexican standoff i was like did you fucking speedball in here you stupid motherfucker and he's like dude yeah he was like you snorted a lot it all, and then you snort cocaine? What's the difference? And, like, he's not wrong. I was just like, you! I was like, what?

Like, I just kind of got so mad that I was like, and I realized, like, I was like, me and this guy are probably going to die in, like, a year. You know, I'll just let him rock with it. Like, he's not dead now, so I just, like, bailed or whatever. Like, I'm in the living room for a few hours we're like watching boardwalk empire he comes out and he's like no it's like nighttime now and he's like what are we getting into tonight we're going out i'm like we going out like you know you just speedballed in my room he's like oh yeah i did do that he's like i've been doing that like a lot i was like you've been speedballing like i was like him and i had a thing where it's like we just there was like a line you wouldn't cross and it was like speedballing like

intravenously or whatever for whatever reason it's it doesn't make sense without that context like him and i were just we're just druggy friends and i was like hey man like it's just dangerous like we're friends like we should look out for each other or whatever like we shouldn't fucking iv fucking coke and heroin same time like we're not celebrities i'm not kurt cobain i'm not fucking janice joplin i'm not fucking jimmy hendrix you know whatever and he's like yeah that shit's nasty to me i would never do anything like that and i'm just like yeah like i was like playing rocket league or watching a movie watching boardwalk empire something and he's just like yeah dude, like playing Rocket League or watching a movie, watching Boardwalk Empire or something. And he's just like, yeah, dude, like I know that we like talked about that, but like it rocks to do that. I'm like, I'm like, OK.

And he's like, I'm not kidding you, man. I'm not saying you should do it because it is really scary. The rush is just fucking otherworldly. But if you do, you're gonna love it just just like like describing his like favorite dim sum restaurant he's like yeah i wasn't gonna walk in there because it's kind of a shithole but you know what they say anthony bourdain you know the shitholes have the best fucking food i used to just snort coke and then i would shoot a little bit of heroin. And I know you told me to like never do that in your house. But I just thought like you're gay and I hate you and I want you to kill yourself.

So I cooked up like half a gram of your shit, a little sprinkle of my shit, and then I just pulled a little bit of it and I shot it up and I just like my fucking spine tingled for like three hours. And I'm like, don't describe it to me like that. Because I don't have the willpower i'm drinking like seven mad dogs a day and eating pills i don't have the willpower you you give me one more reason that this stuff feels good and i'm gonna be like hey i mean i guess you know what the fuck i got going on but it's just like like yeah there's no like no solidarity among the damned i guess in that way it's just to be like hey like hey, this is a respectful house. You can use in this house.

I got one rule, and it would be like, dope, man. Yeah, I love you, brother. Can you close the door and don't look in here? That shit was like – that house, dude, that was the house I told you about where there was just so many of us living there and we were all so fucked up that we had rats on rats on rats. We had so many fucking rats. Rats on rats on rats. Me back, something back, something back, something back, something back. Who wouldn't that?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. That feels good I missed that from yesterday next time we go to twit hey next time we go to twit peaks

I don't know how we can get money involved with this but like the penis game from junior high just five or ten bucks to anybody who could like bite into the wing and then like go like yeah the thing is we'd still be like the the eighth creepiest guy there yeah no yeah that's a very good we wouldn't because there's a guy there who's like writing a girl's social security number and slipping it onto her windshield yeah dude it sucks that they have fucking good wings man it really does it does because like they like they

have good wings and like all of their like appetite like their food just like for bar food slaps like it's great but it's like it really slaps slapping busting dude these wings are dude i say that every time i eat wings now and the thing is i've forgotten who i'm like used to saying that to so now i'll like i'll be at work i'm like bro i had some because i say it at work too yeah i'll be like man dude i had some chicken wings last night and they were fucking bursting dude they were busting they were busting bro and like at first it was funny and now it's like it's not anymore and i just say it too much but you know that's part of life i don't like i will i i think i told you this through text but like i was saying swag

ironically like as a joke like in dms like somebody's like yeah it's my dog i got a new dog i'm like swag dude fucking swaggy and i've been like saying it in real life and i'm like oh well i mean the next step for me is to just like you know kill myself like there's just nothing dude you should have you tried getting schwifty dude i love getting schwifty dude we should get schwifty bro my schwifty was on fleek last night dude i was getting so schwifty my friends were like bro like you're kind of busting too hard and your vibe is off so you need to get less schwifty bro i was down bad till i got schwifty i was down bad till i got schwifty and my vibe took a 360 dude yeah fuck we should like we should look into speedballing i know i'm sober like yeah it's taking me a while to get where i am this right here is where i give up yeah i it would be

very funny if me and you like don't even make the insane amount of money we're doing that type of drug would be would make sense it's just like you know crack our goal of like you know hit like 3k and you're like man i mean dude we're rich now we can we could speedball we can go to you know the best rehabs i've thought it would be funny if like i get off probation and i post a video and instead of me like half-assedly ripping a bong or whatever and like giving a thumbs up. It's me just shooting up heroin and coke and I'm just fucking throwing up blood or whatever.

I'm like, it's good to be back in business, boys. It's good to be back. Dude, there was a guy... I don't know... I don't know if I've talked to you about this before, but there was a guy who hung out with us who bought weed for my roommate and we would all I don't know I don't know if I've talked to you about this before but there was a guy who hung out with us who bought weed for my roommate

and we would all at the time we had a plug for Dilaudid and I mentioned that on the show before but we would snort that shit because it didn't have any acetaminophen in it and you could snort it it was just straight morphine basically hydromorphone or whatever

anyway this guy would come over and he did have legit like walk, like lean. But at the time, I was doing so much fucking Dilaudid that that shit really didn't do anything to me at all. Like I could pour up like two, three, just nothing. Like I would get legit with it. I'd fuck Jolly Ranchers and Sprite. I'd go the whole fucking nine yards. And I would trade him some coke or some fucking dilaudid and he would give it to me but anyway this guy uh i guess saw a snorting dilaudid which by the way has no

acetaminophen and uh he had a bunch of vicodin on him he was like why do y'all snort that shit and i was like oh it's just quicker man like i Like, Dilaudid can take a little while to hit, especially if you've been doing blow, like, earlier in the day. So you snort it. You just fucking nod off in, like, five minutes. He's like, bet. He's like, that makes sense. I was like, yeah. Anyway, going about my day, sitting there, and we're like, I'm, like, drinking fucking lean and just, like, being an idiot.

I'm like drinking fucking lean and just like being an idiot. And he like, at some point he had crushed up one of those Viking and he starts fucking railing it, dude. And I'm like, he's like, Oh, fucking shit burn.

And I was like, did you snort that? And I was, he was like, yeah, like y'all were doing it earlier. And I was like, dude,

we're snorting hydro morphine. It's no, there's 300 milligrams of tylenol like stop like that shit fucking it's like razor it's like you're not stop snorting that and he was like i've already crushed it up and i'm like scoop it into the drink like like stop snorting tylenol like you could it's it's like it like it doesn't have the same thing and he was like i guess when you're just that fucked like little things like that people get way too mad about when you're all fucked up he was like i don't understand what

the big deal is and i'm like look man do whatever the fuck you want it's just like it's making my spine tingle the watching you snort all these fucking like like you're snorting like 600 milligrams of tylenol which is very funny i guess uh i think that's the next move is just snorting like fucking a leave and that's how you get past it if you ever have any cravings to get fucked up again you're like uh sorry man i gotta reschedule like you know got wild last night i'm like oh fuck man i think it's like topo chico and i take like i take like 20 ibuprofen and then just like fucking like bleed out yeah your kidneys fail yeah i'm like yeah you know it's like it's like sparkling water anytime i want drugs i just take like fucking you know five ibuprofen i've had like 40 today and uh my my liver and kidneys

are all just blood just a big goopy mess in there the the fucking um i remember at one point like i never like googled i was just getting fucked up i was like 1920 like my big the big pill era was 1920 1920 1920 21 22 23 that was a little bit of a run there and i remember like like – I was like – we were living – I was living at that place, the place with the rats. And I was reading like appropriate number. I Googled something to the effect of like when does – what number Viking is bad? You know, like – you know, and and it's like because I was taking like 15 at what like the height like at the height of that phase like like 15 which by the way I've met people who take way more or whatever like so that's not insane but I was eating about 15 14 15

a day and uh and everything on google was like five is because the acetaminophen is like clay in your liver. And I was like, oh, well, I guess I should be fine. Like I have only been taking 15 a day for like – I was trying to like reason with myself. It's like, well, you're not one of like – these guys have probably been taking 15 a day for years. And it's like you read it. It's like, no, like acetaminophen toxicity poisoning sets in at like seven months. And I'm like, well, I mean, I'm at seven and a half.

It's like when you see expired milk, it's bad for like three days. And you're like, I mean, I can give it a couple. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like, yeah, that was like kind of, and again, like you, I didn't learn anything. It wasn't really until like I was hit like my earth, approaching my mid-20s that i just like stopped fucking around with

painkillers all together but uh there's something something happens i know a lot of sober people who were like dude you know there's like you know i used to shoot fucking heroin but there's nothing like getting on a bike and just going up a big hill and just seeing, just getting up there on the mountains, just being up there in the fucking sky, brother. Like, and I'm like, I like to hike. I've seen, I've been up some pretty big mountains. I'm proud of myself for that. You're smoking dick. If you think that going up a mountain feels as good as like morphine does, you are smoking pe pecker i guess if you have to tell yourself that like i totally get that i lie to myself all the time like if that if you're like one of those you know like two or three years sober guys and you used to hit it fucking hard

and you're like i used to suck dick for black tar and i now you know i realize you know i put on my running shoes and and it's a better feeling than the heroin brother just getting 10 miles in at 5 in the morning. And I'm like, no, there's no way. There's no way because here's the thing. I fucking did a lot of opiates in my day, and I mixed it with other shit and drank on it, and that fucking felt awesome can't ever do it again but it felt really really really really good I have in my life hiked up a big fucking

mountain and that does feel pretty cool like you get to the summit and you're like holy fuck that was a challenge yeah I mean it's nice you get a little endorphin rush yeah i mean like going for a run or whatever you do get that rush but it's i mean you could you know what i'm saying it's not hell yeah it's like and i understand the impulse to like i guess some guys have to train their minds to like avoid relapse where they're like yeah you know i don't need that stuff all i need is just big bottle of water, 10 miles a day. And I get that same high and I'm like, respect, man. I love you because I genuinely mean that.

You are like a fucking, to pull yourself out of a hole like that is, takes grit and a fucking tolerance for pain, emotional and physical, spiritual and mental that most people don't know how to deal with. All right. But you're lying. You're a liar. Like, you know, like you're not, this isn't real. Now, if you're a motivational speaky type at former addict and you're like, I was running it, you know, going crazy. And now I put two wheels on each fucking side of that bar and it's just, it's the same. I'm like, all right, I get it. But, you know.

What I want you to do, you know, also, if you've been a motivational speaker for a while, let's say you've been a gym guy, a long time, and you're only pushing two wheels, man, I, I'm going to need another motivational speaker

up here oh boy let me tell you two weights on each side is a lot of weight man you know it's a lot of weight oh yeah we need a motivational speaker for the motivational speaker up here boys oh boy oh boy boys got a little pussy for a motivational speaker i wasn't calling you one but do you know how to get motivated and what you need to get motivated there's money you know where you keep your money welcome to our apparently free episode yeah and the ridge wallet how the ridge wallet i got I got it. Don't worry about it. I got it. So the Ridge Wallet is the fucking premier, the biggest dick front pocket wallet in the fucking world.

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You can take each one of those dollar bills. That's $10. Right. And you can put it in a Ridge wallet. Right. You got the money clip in the cash holder, right? Yeah, they do have that. They do have that.

Wow. You're going to want to go. Wowser McBowser, dude. Wowser McBowser. Take your fucking McBowser ass onto ridge.com slash pendejo. That's P-E-N-D-E-J-O. For 10% off everything in the fucking store, Thomas, they don't just carry wallets, do they? No, they've got.

Jake, I'm glad you asked me because I remember. They've got phone cases. They've got. They got a knife. They've got a knife. They got a motherfucking They got a motherfucking badass knife that's really... That's freaking sick, dude.

They got a freaking sick knife, bitch. They got this sick-ass knife and you can do cool knife tricks with it. You can show your girlfriend it and when she gets scared, you can bring it closer to her face. You can pull that knife on a woman on the subway and you say, I could hurt you, but I won't because I'm powerful and I'm romantic. When your fiance is like, could you sweep up?

You're like, just be playing with the knife casually. Just be playing with your ridge knife that you got for 10% off using Pico-Pico. You tuck it into your waistband when you go talk to your landlord. Yeah. And when that landlord's like, oh, what's the knife for? You're like, I got it using coupon code PENDEJO. Are you listening to me, you fat motherfucker?

That's P-E-N-D-E-J-O. Brought to you by the Ridge Wallet. Hey. What's the worst pain you've ever felt? Good question. Tearing my AC joint, suck suck dick dislocating my shoulders suck dick uh i think the ac joint was worse but in terms of worst physical pain um yeah i guess AC joint. I don't have,

I've broken a couple toes, but those don't hurt that. I mean, it hurts. Don't get me wrong. It fucking sucks, but it's like, you know, you just limp around

for like six weeks and it's just fucked up after. But like, the AC joint was dog shit. It fucking sucked so bad. And my shoulder was already unstable because of my rotator cuff and labrum injury. So, yeah, that fucking sucked. What about you?

Maybe probably either at some point like I used to get really bad migraines. Either that or... I think I remember that. That was right when we first started playing video games. Like early 2000s. Oh, I mean, I still get them, but I used to get them every other day or whatever. Yeah.

I would say probably whenever I messed my eye up or whatever, I basically ripped part of my cornea and then it like it was the outside of my cornea and then it like got infected and then I didn't get it treated for like 11 hours or whatever so it was like yellow but that was that was an interesting type of pain because I I feel like eye pain, like, is one of those types of pain where, like, you don't really have any physical tolerance built up to it. Does that make sense? No, yeah, yeah.

You, like, hurt your leg or something, and it's like, obviously this fucking hurts, but my leg has been hurt before. Yeah. You know, like. Also, you're blinking all day. It's an involuntary your eyes twitch involuntary like yeah yeah it was like the top of my eyeball was like had like a dent in it um which i got a paper cut in my eye one time dude that has to fucking blow oh my god dude i was probably nine or ten years old do you i don't did you have to take the star test or the tax test yeah yeah i think they changed it from tax to star like yeah i was still in school i graduated and and

they changed it the year after i graduated but anyway dude my old fucking like 900 year old like fourth grade third grade teacher i don't know she like hands me the mock one that you do like the benchmark test or whatever that you do like maybe six weeks out and she just like she goes she like i remember clear as day because the pain was so fucking intense she just hands me the fucking packet dude and just like right in my eye like all corners of the paper it's like a packet i had like four paper cuts on my eyeball and one of the fucking eye doctor like that dude i'm fucking wailing that shit fucking sucked i had to go to the eye doctor that day and yeah he was like huh you know i remember being like you got some paper cuts on here that's that's gonna hurt a little while and i'm like ah

like i'm a kid so i'm fucking wailing and uh i had to wear an eye patch for a bit that was pretty cool when you're nine you get an eye patch and it's not halloween dude that's so fucking other kids are like dude did you have to kill a guy yeah yeah yeah yeah dude sick eye patch and i'm like yeah yeah i'm kind of the toughest motherfucker on the monkey bar so better stick better stay sharp i gotta get anyway um that actually that you just reminded me yeah that was a really bad one i remember that one being really bad and it took so your eye heals really fast but the pain like it just stuck for like a couple weeks it sucked so fucking bad

it was like the most intense burning and you can't do anything about it the patch is really so you don't get anything in it like i didn't even get any ointment or anything he was like that's gonna heal on its own in a couple days but it's gonna hurt for a little while and i was like you know but yeah that shit fucking sucked it was awful i hate getting paper cuts anywhere oh have you ever zipped your fucking your shit up in your fucking zipper you ever like zipped your fucking ding-dong up or your nutsack? Yeah, I have. I think the worst was I got the tip stuck one time. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Have you ever snagged the tip? I have, yeah. You think your balls hurt. You snag the tip of your pecker in there. Woo! Woo! Woo, dog! Dude, yeah, you get the tip in, and then you have to unzip it.

Yeah. You got to, like, because the pain. And you're like, how did the zipper even go down that far? Yeah. Because of how big my penis is. Wow, this is crazy. But, yeah. You're telling the story to, like, a girl on a date, and you're like, dude, hey, so

one time I got my penis stuck in my zipper, but here's the thing. I didn't have to even zip up all the way that much. I'm just, like, telling it to, like, my girlfriend, my girlfriend she's like are you saying this like it's the first date yeah it was just so big i see your penis like yeah it's not like it was yeah it was like my the zipper like it you know like on track pants so like you can zip the bottom part like towards the ankle sometimes that's the zipper it got stuck in because of how long it is. And, dude, it sucked. She's like, it's out right now.

We're at the plant nursery. Why do you have your penis out? I'm like, shut up. This is how I pick out plants. up i'm choosing this is how i pick out plants i yeah zipping zipping the dinger up is bad paper cut i bad ac joint bad i mean i've gotten concussions those don't hurt they just make me feel like shit for a few you don't even remember those most of the time it's not even yeah but i'm saying like i feel like concussion culture And cancel culture Are a lot similar nowadays

Let's hear it We got all these pussies You know, you got Michelle Obama She's, the school lunches are shit now So you can't even play football right anymore Right And now you gotta wear a helmet every single day Like when I was growing up

They made me wear a helmet i didn't even play football right you have to wear one to school every single day whether you like it or not just in case you get scared you know yeah and it's like great now how am i going to be a star quarterback how am i going to be the next Tony Romo? I'm not getting my calories in. Right. I'm not getting my calories in. I'm eating goddamn. I'm eating the cheese sandwich because I forget my lunch money sometimes. You know, I'm drinking chocolate. I'm drinking strawberry milk with a fucking fake lasagna.

And, you know, you start there. And what do they do to football? They force feminize it. Right. You know? You look in the audience, there's women there. Right. They've got cheerleaders out on the field.

They have their breasts out. Right. And it's disgusting. There's one thing I know about Texas high school football. On Fridays, tits are out. Dude, it is horrible and as a parent as someone who's around the ages of most parents and is at those games every friday every single day you think you think it's easy for me to sit through those practices from my car in the in the parking lot?

No. I can barely. If I had a kid, I don't even know what I would do if I had a kid out on that field. You know? I remember I didn't go to many football games when I was in high school. It just wasn't like my bag. football games when i was in high school i just it just wasn't like my bag but um my girlfriend was on like the my girlfriend at the time was on like the dance that the like dance they go and do the dances whatever the fuck and uh a dancer yeah i like how you told like a 40 minute story about doing dilaudid. And then you're like, believe it or not, I wasn't into football in high school.

You're like, yeah, I, so I was watching. Believe it or not, I wasn't really into team sports. Yeah. I wasn't the star.

I wasn't the star quarterback. Yeah. But I did love to do it. Dilaudid. Yeah. I was sitting like one of the front bleachers. And, uh, there was sitting like one of the front bleachers and there was like, you know, like an older lady, like I guess somebody's mom. I don't fucking know.

I never figured that out. And then the dad and the dad was clearly bombed. Like she was they were both clearly drunk, but the dad was fucking bombed. And they were had their little like shakers, which, you know, it's like it's just iced tea or water in here no like these are like texas high school football parents and she gets up to take a piss and i'm there like you know i'm like i didn't think i had a smartphone i was just like fucking just like sitting there twiddling my thumbs i'm like i guess my girlfriend comes on soon whatever and uh he i guess thinks it's a good idea to start up a conversation with me and uh you know he's like this is always a tough game port arthur comes

play i'm like yeah that i guess like you know i don't know shit i'm wearing like skin tight black denim and like i was in my like black flag i got fucking like high top like i don't you know i'm just there because, you know, whatever. And he's like, you know, poor our coast play. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's been a good game. You know, like the school, I looked at the numbers. They were kind of close. I was like, that's enough context for me.

And the cheerleaders start doing their like jumping flying thing or whatever. And they're like, you know, skirts or fucking whatever. And the motherfucker goes damn they didn't make them like that when i was when i was your age and some not often but sometimes somebody says something to you that like it's like my brain blue screens like like at that age it's like i was like you're you're like Like, yes, you're like hopelessly horny. But you also understand like this guy next to you is like not in the age range to be like, hey, do you see that ninth grader just did a front flip?

If I was, how old am I, 50, 20 years younger? Like still within the realm. If I was five years younger, man, I'd be out there. Yeah, I'd be all over that. And so he's like, I didn't make him like that when I was younger. And I'm like, yeah. You know, like, I don't know what the fuck to say. So I just, like, go back and, you know, whatever.

And, like, finally the dancing comes on. They're doing their thing. And I was like, you know, whatever, the girl's name. And he's like, your girlfriend on one of them teams? And I'm like and i'm like i'm like where's your wife she's like what this has been like five minutes now and uh yeah i was just like uh yeah and he was like lucky man you know and i'm like come on man yeah you know it's like you got the first one in and i kind of just like you

know you're a big guy i'm not gonna i wish i could suck the pussy juice straight off your dick right now before my wife gets back i got a question for you let me smell your fingers you know like just like what like what you know but yeah like his wife like waddles back up you know she's like did i miss anything? And he, like, looks at me, and he's like, oh, no, you didn't miss much, nothing, honey. Just halftime or whatever. And, like, the look he gave me was like, she missed the real show. You know what I'm saying?

And I'm like, no! Like, you sick mother, like. Yeah, we're both pedophiles. Yeah. How old are you? Me and you are both pedophiles. We're both freaks and fucking morally depraved psychopaths. We should both be killed in public.

Right. Both of us should be hung. How old are you? 38? 39? I'm 15. And basically same thing. Ain't much difference.

We're both sexually depraved individuals. Yeah, both of us are perverts who deserve if there is a hell fucking 10 eternities in it brother let me tell you something because i know i mean you know i mean what's 55 and 15 really you know it's divisible that's weird. But I mean, come on. Again, like getting older and things like you kind of like look back on there was one of the security guards. His name was Donnie at my high school. And he had a golf cart. And senior lot was like waged like junior lot and senior lot where like the the like the upper class whatever parked was way way way far from the entrance like off a little fucking yeah like neighborhood road

because like the stadium and the the theater for like the acting kids was in between like the school the park i don't know anyway dude there would be times like, I would see like kids like in football gear, like limping, you know? And they're like, Hey Donnie, can I get a ride to my car? And he's like, fuck no, hell no. You ain't getting on here. And they're like, all right, man, I just fucking asking. But every Friday that thing would be fucking slant down. Cause he had like nine fucking like, like girls on there. And he's like, I'll take you wherever you need to go. Where's your car at baby?

What'd you drive? Drive a beetle. Oh, you got one of them beetles. He was a fucking creep dude. And like, he was also one of those security guards were like two, two kids can be beating the dog shit out of each other. And he's like, Hey, like from 10 yards away, like, Hey,

nor that. And they're like, one guy's already bouncing the kid's head off. Like you're hired to do one thing. And it's like sniff out drugs with a drug dog. And like, I guess stop fistfights. And you know,

one kid's just getting the shit beat out of him. And he's like, y'all don't be doing that crazy shit. Not in my school, but from like, from a distance where he has no control, taking place. So he's a huge pussy. And then like, I like, from a distance where he has no control over what's taking place. So he's a huge pussy.

And then like, he would be driving by slow. Like, I'd be walking in my fucking car. It's like hotter than fuck. And there's like, you know, like four or five girls in the golf cart, like on the back little area. And then sitting up front with him. Like, you could kill your, I mean, he passes you and hears you. I was like, so what you do like outside of school you know you be dancing and it's like this is this guy is like i mean he's not like he's living his dream honestly he's not crazy old it's like but he is like this is this is

not acceptable behavior like he's probably like in his heart like you know he's in his fucking like like late 30s early 40s like it's not like he's like an 80 year old fuck get out but like you shouldn't be doing that it's wrong these are fucking children and but i think he got like he got away with it because like he was also like just he was i don't describe it was like a boosie type that boosie video or bo booze like I like white girls high school We talked about it when we did trailbillies That's that he was very funny with it. He you know, he'd be like, you know, like so like I do a little bit of rapping Like this is kind of like my side thing and we'd be like, alright, that's pretty cool

Like, you know, you got like a SoundCloud or something. He he's like nah like i don't know how to set that up right now but once i figured that out like i got like back like hell like i got so much shit like like you know like like all this shit right like because drake was blowing up all this drake shit like that's pussy shit like i come with that real like houston like you know and i was like like we live like 30 minutes out of the city like it's not you know and i was like like we live like 30 minutes out of the city like it's not you know but that's still cool whatever so it was like he was very funny he was like a caricature guy um wouldn't break up fights and then would just like tote like like the popular like abercrombie and bitch girls like to their car and be like yeah

like the like buckle bunny type like ff like you know likeombie and Fitch girls, like, to their car and be like, like, the, like, Buckle Bunny type, like, FF, like, you know, like, those types, like, those girls, and literally just be like, you know. So you be on horses and shit. You be, damn. Like, I heard that, like, them things kick hard. You ain't scared of that? They're like, like, you know, it's like. Baby girl, you ever been on Ferris wheel

Baby girl Right now I'm living outside of the Dollar General In my Cougarville But in like 7 years I'm gonna have an apartment And you'll be 25 I mean what's it hurt to start now

What would happen if we met Back here What if we met back here? What if we both single in 15 years? You never know. Fuck. Hey, listen. So, like, you be raising pigs?

Damn. Pigs? Make it like four. You be raising them pigs? Yeah. So, let me get something straight for a second. Like, you be going to these little, you could be going to your little rodeos. I mean, yeah, like, they're not rodeos. They're just kind of a competition.

You'd be going to them rodeos, and you'd be showing them pigs to people, and they fat. I heard cowboys is mean. I heard they could be scary. I've seen a couple movies. They're kind of tough. You like tough boys? Girl,

you have a jump rope? That shit look hard as hell. I see y'all out there getting ready for your little shows. Y'all be double dutching. I would trip on my feet. I'm stupid like that. I'm stupid. I'm smart though. I mean, I'm sensitive too.

I mean, I'm sensitive to. I mean, like a lot of a lot of like so like. Like, do you be dating like there's so there was a dairy queen like right behind our high school and like it's like where you'd go to like hang out and people would like go to settle beef or whatever. It's like the idea. So to hang out and people would go to settle beef or whatever. It's like the idea. So you go like, do you get a cone? You get some chicken tenders? What you be getting at DQ? You like it when they flip the cup upside down and be like, damn. Damn.

At gravity, don't even be working with it. That shit got a grip on it. Hey, do you like to... You got a grip? Oh, I'm sorry. I just get carried away sometimes. I meant like you got a grip on the cart because it's about to go real fast. Yeah.

By the way – I'm about to buck these fat bitches off. Yeah, they like secretly hopped on. Yeah, there was never any fat girls on. There was never – it was just like, who's that basketball player that got canceled or they tried to cancel him for only having white women on his yacht, J.R. Smith? Somebody commented on his Instagram video, and they were like, I don't see any melanated queens on the boat.

And he's like, hell no. He was like, you're right, and whatever. And that was his J.R. Smith moment. whatever and like that that was his jr smith moment it's just like just skinny like like like southern like ffa like white girls on his fucking golf cart oh man jr smith i don't know how i feel about that guy you know uh it's disrespectful to say stuff like that jr smith more like nba smith because that's what he plays for. That is so true, bro. Damn. You're on today, bro.

Dude, we should try and do some foreign leagues or whatever. Work our way up like J. Cole is doing. Apparently, he used to be good at hooping or whatever, but he's like almost 40 now. I'm terrible at basketball, bro. Like I just, I'm terrible. I'm dog shit,

dude. I did. I don't think I've told you about this. I did like little league basketball in, um, like first, second grade and shit. And,

uh, I, I was homeschooled at the time. And so my social skills were like bad dude like very underdeveloped it's pretty shy and i just like had like a stutter and shit but uh i did not score until the last game due to being just you know bad at basketball and also like just you know bad at basketball and also like mostly just passed like i got assists or whatever but um anyway so i i get like a pretty cool bucket in the last game and immediately realized because i you know i kind of just drift around generally immediately realized that the

the audience was way too like happy about it right like something seemed everyone was cheering and it was like it wasn't a three or anything i just scored and then we get back to the huddle and they like chant my name in the lockout thing and i immediately realized that due to being like quiet and stuff every single person in that like junior league stadium thought i was mentally retarded yeah yeah like for a year and then i score and it's like oh yeah the severely autistic kid scored and it's like no man i just like like read lord of the Rings and stuff. I've been kind of in a cult for the last 10 years of my life.

Yeah, like I'm just bad at this sport. But that was really, looking back, that was my moment, you know? Yeah. I think my next course in life is to just like find a shitty job and tell them I have asperger's or something and then just sort of like be myself for like a year and then like run like a 5k and have like 200 people cheering me on at the end that would be sick you you should reinvent yourself on twitter as you're like hey i have autism so any of my i have autism maybe I have childhood autism I'm 22 years old

I grew out of it but I'd still like credit for it Right yeah If that works for you guys Yeah I mean you know You know You know what I'm saying You know what I'm saying to you

If you like these episodes Mmm Mmm That's tasty. That tastes so good. I like that. I love the taste. I like that pie. I can't get enough of the taste. Can you put more cream on my pie?

If you like these episodes for some reason, you should go to... Is this icing? I sure hope so. If you like these episodes, you should go to Patreon. Do you want to fuck me with the cake? Do you want to put the cake in my pussy? Do you want to... All right, see you, man.

Bye.