Pendejo Time - Good Gropings, My Lord

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

Good Rubbings my Liege,Hims connects you with licensed healthcare providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate ED treatment options from home. No awkward appointments, no pharmacy lines.hims.com/ptsub to the showPatreon.com/pendejotimeSee Jake Live in Austin at Velvfest this FridaySee Thomas Live in New York 10/30https://restlessnites.com/events/calomas30oct2026See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Good rubbing's emperor. Mm. Mm. Good squeezing squeen. Good, yeah. Good, good licking's the Duke. Good kissing my liege. Good gropings, my lord.

Hmm. That was a good one. Yeah, yeah, that's hard to... I'm gonna, you know what? Phone a friend. No, that was good. Good gropings is good. I don't think I'm beating good.

Good gropings, my lord, is, yeah, it's fine. We'll, we'll let that right out. I, uh, I was in like kind of a, uh, I have a, for those of you don't know, I traded in a life of, uh, kitchen, uh, maybe new to the show, traded in a life of kitchen work and construction jobs, many moons ago to have a fake work from home job. And, uh, so I've been white collar for a while. And, uh, I heard today, I, today I heard. to term wellness dardy. For those of you who did not go to college

or maybe didn't really like have much of a social life which is totally fine. It happens. Dardy is just a, I believe the term is a portmanteau, possibly for day party. And a dardy is basically just day drinking. Sometimes it spills into just a party later on a night party, but a dardy means day party. I was talking. I was in a meeting with another marketing agency. And it's always a lot of, it's a lot of fakeness in the corporate world. It's a lot of like,

like when you work in a kitchen, you'd be like, oh, what are you doing this weekend? It's like, I'll probably going to drink about 15 beers and, you know, I don't know, I mean some boys are going to get some coke and I don't know, try and get some pussy. When you work in the corporate world, you say, what are you doing this weekend? And you go, oh, some light reading. maybe maybe me and uh me my partner might go for a hike um maybe just kind of stay in you know it's going to be a cozy weekend that's the answers that you get i heard talk to my family yeah yeah yeah my mom yeah i think i'm gonna probably look at Pinterest yeah i'm gonna look at some birds i got a new bird watching app of my phone i really want to been wanting to try oatmeal

so i might do that this weekend some steel grown uh anyway the the the topic the weekend came up and this girl said oh I'm going to a wellness dardy uh and I did not know what that was but everybody else seemed to know what it was so they go oh that sounds fun so after the call was over I googled what it means

and I had saved it on my phone because it pissed me off so bad that I wanted to make sure I had it for posterity sake so I'm going to read it for everybody a wellness dardy is a daytime party that replaces alcohol with fitness activities like group runs, Pilates, coal plunges, and macha bars.

What happens at a wellness, dardy? Activities instead of drinking games, people do group stretching, hit workouts, push-up challenges, or even ice baths. Bars or houses will serve energy drinks, iced coffee, and protein bars, or matcha instead of beer or liquor. Hold on. One second. I'm getting a phone call.

if I come to your party and you have protein bars for people then something will happen immediately if I reach into a bowl for snacks and the snacks are unwrapped protein bars everybody is going to have an injury that happens to them that hurts them

is yes ma'am everybody involved will be going through a series of injuries that will be hurting them to the head

and the body energy drinks are fine in fact whenever you go to a friend's house and they have energy drinks such as a friend of the show Sam friend of the show Sam always has energy drinks sorry

no it's okay what I was discussing was if I go to your party and you're like oh we'll have food and the food is protein bars that's going to be a problem immediately for me yeah so so

the energy drinks that's fine macha and all that I have no problem with that those are all refreshments I like I'll have those outside of work from home setting or whatever I like matcha I like energy drinks I like pretty much any kind of beverage non-alcoholic that's fine I don't need alcohol at a party

what I really don't need is um is protein choose the idea of I'm at a party let me get some

protein in as a group yeah and I say this is somebody who sneaks protein at parties yes I'll typically bring in a meat stick or something or a yogurt shake or something

if you don't have food at your party I'll sneak out right to go to a grocery store maybe I mean, I can do that in New York I can just go Get something really quick and sneak back in I don't want to Let's not

I don't have a protein shake as a group That's not something I want to do And that was sorry I've been tracking down a parcel From USPS it was lost You're okay I mean to be fair It's also technically my job

To talk on this show You know I know I don't like to do it But in times of need I can do it Yeah Make it happen The reason I bring this the wellness dirty epis, I have noticed, I posted about it and people got very mad at me,

but there is a Mormonization of culture happening in the U.S. I previously discussed it on an older episode, but the term dirty soda is a term that has a meaning. Well, it technically has two meanings. I guess three now. Two localized to the greater Texas area means soda with lean in it. Now, I've come to find out that in the greater south, dirty soda can also mean soda with liquor in it. Dirty soda in Mormon culture means soda with cream on top and some type of flavoring. Every fast food chain now is offering dirty sodas.

This is from the warm- Even bottled. Bottled dirty sodas. The wellness dardy, and the wellness culture in general, if you don't know things about it, Mormons are, They are, I'll make, I'm gonna draw my line in the sand. They're a cult and every one of them should be exterminated. And I believe that. And women and kids, too.

I'm deadly, I'm deadly serious. In the American Shadow Wars and the kind of, if you're hearing this, remember, this is our show, it's not your show. Yeah. Do you get to say whatever we want. We say we want. In the inner scene, American Shadow Wars, there's lots of factions. There's your, you know, your Maga and your kind of traditional neocons. and your, you know, your middle of the road lives or whatever.

The Mormons, they're buying up most of the arable farmland left in America alongside the Bill Gates Foundation, but that's a different topic. The Mormons are quietly silent, capable killers of what remains fun about the world at large, not just America, but they also are a deeply profoundly American religion. They kind of took the place of the Southern Baptist. The Southern Baptist evangelicals were the religion of America up until I would say probably about the 2010s, and that's when the Mormonization began to slowly creep in. So the crumble cookies and the sodas and stuff.

This wellness dardy, this is also a Mormon thing because they don't drink, they have parties where they get together and they do group Pilates or runs, and they drink tea and soda and they'll even have DJs and bands but no swearing and the women have to dress modestly and that's kind of the thing here's my thing okay the world is getting worse

and it's going to be so much more worse than you can imagine it's also apparently going to get boring and I can't stand for that I'm fine if everything falls apart and I slowly but surely like my civil liberties are eroded to nothing, but I do want to be able to have a good time when it when it all kind of starts to. It, I mean, it's unraveling. And it's kind of a slow screeching. It's not a grinding halt that ends in chaos.

It's just like every year you forget that it used to be better and that what you have right now is worse. And then the year after that, you don't have the thing that you had the year before and what little you have becomes of the new normal. and then, you know, eventually you have nothing. But I want to be able to get fucked up. And I want there to be places to get fucked up at. Bars are closing across the country. Like across the country, they're just bars, music venues are shuttering their doors. And the people who are pro-wellness, dardy, pro-sobriety, they're very like, alcohol is neurotoxic.

And all of the, oh my God, all of the, what do they call them? Free radicals in alcohol? Shut the fuck up, dude. Oh my God, you would put that in your body? Yes, I would. I would put it in my body so much. Well, Jake, your life was ruined by drugs and alcohol. It was.

And I had so much fun. I had so much fun that I'm not allowed to have that much fun anymore. Do you understand? Like, yes, it's this tragic thing and you lose stuff. But, like, it's fucking awesome. like I don't I'm actually getting mad

because I was actually mad earlier I don't the world is America is becoming like it's this saccharine purity it's this like this falsely sweet

like hi hi welcome would you like an iced macha we have a stretching bar no you don't I mean you do but you're about to not because I'm about to blow this place

to fucking kingdom come Hi, welcome. We have protein gummies and we have an oxygen bar and we even have a UV light bar. No, you don't have, you have rooms of bullshit. You have rooms of shit. No, a bar serves alcohol and cigarettes, okay? You don't have a root, you do not have a soda bar. You have a place that serves soda.

So anyway, I just wanted to start the episode with, good gropings, my lord. And then I wanted to get in, this is, it doesn't have to be the whole topic of the episode, but I'm just, I'm noticing that this, that, that thing,

and also the small business part of the Mormon world, there's this, um, this lady, what's her name, Alex Clark. She has a podcast called culture apothecary. And she recently had a guest on,

this is her name, Thomas, Tilly Dillahey. This is her name. Again, Thomas, her name is Tilly Dillahey. She is a godly wife and she has something

called Wife School. This is millions of people listen to this podcast, Culture of Pothcary. It's a Turning Point USA sponsored podcast hosted by a woman who was the lead keynote speaker at Turning Point, Women's Conference. And Wife School teaches young women in college how to be quiet, pleasant, and submissive and dutiful so they can find and encourage a godly leader. And so it's basically a training school. And they make you, I watched this lady, she subscribed to the course.

They give you homework assignments. So they make you write things down. Like instead of saying, I think we should do this this weekend, ask your husband, what should we do this weekend? And no matter what he says you say yes to. And in the wife's school, it says if he says that he wants you to take care of the kids, while he goes golfing, you must say yes. You cannot say no. Oh.

Oh, I want to go to wife's school. Yes, I will submit. Are you accepting 27-year-old podcaster? I submit. I submit to all of your husbands. Yeah, submit to the husband. I submit to every man I'm a slave.

I know that, and some of these zoomers, these like pure zoomers, they're like, well, you millennials, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do drugs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now we're going to live forever. Here's the thing, Patna. or not live forever, we're going to live healthy long lives and we're going to live longer and we're going to be healthy.

Here's the thing, brother. You, you aren't going to own a house, okay? And your life, as you know it, is the best it's ever going to be right now, probably. Unless we start killing, like, pretty much everybody, like soon, which we won't. We can't even protest correctly. Unless you plan on getting fat as fucking really ugly, don't be doing this thing where you quit drinking and get married when you're 21. Yeah, correct.

I'm seeing that too. Yeah. And it's a very, I mean, part of that is growing up in North Texas. That's what people like to do there. And, you know, if you're settling down with your high school sweetheart or whatever, I'm not telling you not to do that. But what I'm saying is you don't have to bust out the quarter zips quite yet. You know what I mean?

You can. Correct. you know get a get a Ramon's shirt you don't have to listen to them yeah you can be try to try to be different iterations of yourself before you settle for retired

retired 21 year old yeah what are you doing man I mean not that like um not that I really uh have

turned out to be super different from that in terms of like what my day-to-day life is but i've tried i've you know as i get closer to 30 i've tried out a lot of iterations of myself already correct yeah and i don't have to think about oh what if i tried this you know i already tried to be a white rapper i've already tried to be a playboy who who does to talk to all the girls you know and i'll tell you right now that one actually worked less than worked less than White Rapper.

White Rapper was a much longer phase. Yeah. You know, I've tried a lot of different things, but I can die knowing that that I ended up being me, you know what I mean? Well, a lot of it...

I think a lot of people don't want to have an identity failure and the easiest thing you can be is a guy who gets fucking sober and stops hanging out and having fun when he's crazy young just so that he is,

like, I feel like some people limit their life experiences just to have this, like, model of life that's still from social media. It is, it is. It's just from, it's like, there's nobody you meet in your life whose life isn't almost 100% from their phone. Correct. Including me.

Correct. My life is just, whatever my phone has shown me over the years, that's what my life has become. Correct. Like my politics, all of that, that's all from my phone. Mm-hmm. And part of that was maybe molded by, like, certain morals or ideals I already had.

Or you can see notions of things, yeah. But my phone was like, all right, well, it would be easy to just go off that. And if I hadn't had some of that, you know, compassion and stuff built in, my phone would have very easily turned me into a white supremacist. Yeah, easy, squeezy. It didn't because that's not the kind of family I grew up in, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I see so many people, like I went to high school, would get one shot by it, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, same. I know guys who I knew in college. I mean, if you're going to be something, you know, I would rather you'd be regular guy who settles down too early or whatever and doesn't drink, then wellness than the white supremacist guys who fucking buy farmland or whatever and then make their

six-year-old kids fucking use a back home combine or whatever I don't know what these guys are doing a lathe I feel like it's only like 10 guys doing that to be honest

no it's so much it's so much more yeah well I fuck my algorithm up a lot where I like I purposefully watch, consume, and like and comment on right wing and wellness Mormon stuff to get it in my feed to see

it's kind of like breaking out of your containment and temporarily entering somebody else's zoo enclosure to see like, let's like if a polar bear was like oh god damn I hear they got a big tire at the gorilla's place. I'm gonna go see what the gorilla's up to you

and you walk over there and the gorilla's like he's got a big ass tire and you're like sick as fuck I'm going back to my ice zone. That's where I belong. I occasionally like to do that just to see how the other half is propagandized too, not how they live necessarily. It's everybody believes that they, everybody believes that their opposition is, lives primarily through a misplaced sense of self-righteousness. The problem is, is that mine isn't misplaced. And like, these people that are like, like, I was, I think we talked about.

the term lustful reintering the lexicon for younger people and this big push to not have nudity in movies and art and being like I don't want to see that trash I don't want to be I don't want to be associated with that I go I we I just left my run club and I'm going to go home and watch my PG movie with with with with with clear family values like that is the world that these people want to build. And, and here's the reason I think they'll probably get it is because a world like that is really easy to build when everybody's fucking stupid. Like, literacy is the thing that kind of like prevents smiling fascism, if you want to call it,

like a saccharine fascism from kind of taking over the country. It's just people can read and they can go, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're doing that thing. Now, you got to smile on your face, but your eyes are dead. I recognize that If people are really stupid Then they're much easier to trick And I believe people are gonna get dumber And I believe they're gonna wanna be tricked more

And that's Sorry to interrupt No, you're good, you know They recruited a bunch of the KKK guys By being like, don't you care about your heritage? Right, yeah And it's like it really is that easy You can still do that

They still do that all the thing Just go to guys at Walmart Hey don't Are you ready to protect your homeland? Of course. Of course I do. I'm actually buying Evo flavor ovaleo they got today.

I want to try the tiramisu oil they got. So if I need to protect my family and my homeland, I'll do that. What's my heritage? Yeah, my heritage. What's my heritage again? What's my heritage again? Turns out my family came over on the boat. I've got to protect them.

Nobody likes you when you're... Fuck. When you're racist. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Point is, I really want to push back against this like again I don't want to call it a Mormonization

because it's not just the Mormons but there's this like and again there is this kind of self-righteous about some of it like I'll watch these videos and it's like the videos will literally be like that you're hungover on Saturday morning and then it'll show their watch and it's like a fucking it's like a knockoff a sub-mare or something and it's like

it says like 5 a.m. And it's like me and the boys run club. And it's a bunch of guys running and the song is like Today, tomorrow Everybody go again What's there? Today, yesterday, tomorrow Everybody gonna get what's my

And and And then the running compilation ends And it's like 10 a.m. Bet you're hitting brunch with alcohol Me and the boys, Scripture and stocks And it's like, every day struggle Every time you go And you wake up and you want to do more and more

And it's just them looking at fucking like fucking what are they called the goddamn S&P 500 boards I don't know what they're fucking quotrons and fucking the Bible and I know a lot of this is curated primarily to as you said to recruit a certain type of person

but it's also used to promote a lifestyle that is real in the sense that they believe that it's real like living in a post-truth or post-reality world or whatever like reality is really what makes you feel good? Like, it doesn't matter if it's real. It just, I, this makes me feel good and so it's real to me. And that matters more than anything. Society of the spectacle, whatever the fuck. It gives you shit. A guida bored, dead French guy.

Point that I'm trying to make is, is it's like, I, I, I've already resigned myself for the fact that it's over. I refuse for it to be over and boring. I refuse. I refuse that. Like that, you can't, you can't, you can't do that. Like, like, right now it's a niche subculture thing, but it is slowly becoming like a, like a, what's the word of before? Like, it's creeping into what remains of monoculture with, it's pretty shattered. It doesn't exist. But what remains of it, fast food franchises, you know, third spaces and all that shit. It's creeping into that where like, you know, oh, you're hanging out of a dive bar on Saturday. I'm getting my swimming.

Okay. Go swimming. Yeah. I do hate that. I hate the, um, like, okay. If you tell me you don't drink, right?

Cool. Totally understand that. If you tell me you don't drink and then you have a little like sneer. Yeah. I feel, I feel weird about that. I hope you get fucked by all the animals in the zoo. I,

because here's, here's what, here's the emotion you should be expressing when you say you don't drink. Shame. Shame. Shame. It's very shameful

to not be able to drink. Everybody else can do it except for you. Okay. If you're an alcoholic, that means you mess up really bad. Nobody else did that. It's not my fault

that you don't drink. You know how I drink? Every once in a while in moderation. Jake, don't correct them. Don't correct me. I'm not going to say. Every once in a while and it's in complete moderation and I never mess up. Yeah.

I never overdo it because I have complete self-control and discipline. Yep. I have never thrown up. Most people don't believe it when I say that. I've never gotten into somebody's car thinking it was an Uber. Not even within the last few months. I've never. I've never gotten home the next day.

You know? Uh-huh. But, no, but really, like, if, if you don't drink, that's perfectly fine, but it doesn't make you better than people who just fucking have a beer with their, with their, with their guys on the weekend, you know what I mean? Like, if I go watch, if I go to my friend's birthday party at a bar and I have two beers while in there, it's not a sin. Well, well, I'll show, too, it's, it's tied into this, like, resurgence of, like,

Like, what's the word? Um, uh, uh, god, religious theater, the performative Christianity. There's a lot of like, hey, hey, I've been raised up out of my grave. Hey, hey, I'm like again. There's a lot of that shit and a lot of it's tied into the wellness shit. Yeah. And, and I'm like, you don't fucking understand.

First of all, to be religious is to also be drunk. All of the great religious minds, nobody. I don't fucking nobody that's been like a great religious thinker. No great theologian, in my opinion, has been sober. All the Christian apologists that are like, oh, I've never even had a root beer. That's why they're all retarded. And their ideas suck. You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I've never, I've made, I think I had a drink a beer. I think I've had a sassaparilla soda one time. And oh my goodness. Yeah, suck 10,000 dogs' dicks. I think a little part of it too is like everybody. knows that like shit is just getting worse. Yeah. And there's this like effort to, oh, I'm locking in.

I'm getting healthy and in shape. And I'm getting my money right and all this stuff. And it's because you know that like you're just preparing for an economic world situation. Correct. You're just buckling in for the rest of this recession. Like it's here. Yeah, yeah. It's been here.

We don't have to act like you not going out and spending. money at all. They do spend money, though. Right, but like this I think specifically I'm not really talking much about the wellness thing, but like the lock-in Oh, the lock-in, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it's like all cut back on leisure, it's like basically like cut back on leisure stuff and any free time needs to be either work or side hustle, which means no longer free time. Yeah. By the way, when you're doing side hustle stuff, that's perfectly fine but that's now no longer relaxing time.

Correct. You're just not relaxing at all anymore. That's fine. And yeah, I agree with you. But it also cannot be a fundamental part of your personality. Like that's like all of this is intertwined into this religious wellness, prosperity gospel thing. That is again very unique. It's not uniquely Mormon because the Southern Baptist kind of softened to the edges of it.

But the Mormons have really added in the, the, uh, they've accentuated, they've made it very, they fine-tuned it, this is the word I'm looking for. And, and also the, not just the Mormons, the neo-evangelicals of, of like,

the new Christian, like the new Christian dominionists or whatever, right? This new, like, mega-church, money man, God gave me this King Ranch, Ford Raptor,

deep V-neck preacher stuff with the cowboy boots. Deep V-neck and cowboy boots, by the way, if you see that, I don't know if I can beat you up, But I'm sure shit going to try. We're both going to hurt each other.

You cannot have that shit on around me. So if you ever plan to hang around around and come to a show and you're in a deep V-neck and some cowboy boots, both of us are going to jail. I'm done with that part. We move on. All of this stuff ties into what I think you're, you made a good point, which is that like... Point one, we're killing you. Point two, point two, go ahead. Yeah.

Point two is, is it like, I understand, and death denialism has come in like in many four. forms over the last since i mean forever but the like tv had you know like uh anti-aging was big with like i remember my mom would buy would blow the money she didn't have on like the anti-aging creams and the uh the fin fin and all like the diet pills and shit it's nothing new that day traders e-trade was something that was big when the like when the internet kind of like everybody got a big desktop in their house and i had like my friends that had dads that had money were like yeah getting into E- tread. Now you can just E-Trade on your phone.

It's all the same shit, but it's just exacerbated and accelerated to the nth degree. You can't point two is like, you're, you're going to die, right? And I'm not saying go out in a blaze of glory, drink and sniff and sipping and snorten. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I don't, some, now on the other end, I'll offer this rhetorical concession. People who make drugs and partying their whole identity are just as annoying on the the other end. Things you do in your life should just be things you do, not things you are, not the person that you are. And I think what drives me so crazy is that as we get like further

enclosed in these little bubbles or whatever, the things you consume and the things you do, every person, our souls are being stolen from us. So like our personalities being eroded. We just become, you know, the bubble. We become like the, you know like for example I know people who make a big fucking deal and this I love them I love them I know people who are like yeah I don't go to clubs I just go to dive bars

to make sure I'm offering a fair critique of both sides like yeah I don't really go to the club I like a nice dive bar yeah me too man but we don't got to do that you know what I mean and it's like this the the purification side frustrates me more because they're I find them boring and I hate them.

But you know what I don't hate is getting my dick hard as hell. Oh, mine just got a massive. No, it didn't. Well, but you've been having trouble with it. You've been having trouble with it. Both of us have, and there's a solution. Mine was already massive. Yeah.

It's soft but massive. I want to make that clear. It's not hard. It's just big and soft. Yep. It can't get hard, but it's... It was big before. and it doesn't get hard.

Yeah, what if it, what if, what if you're... And I'm just for the sake of keeping the sponsor and I'm getting rid of mine. Sure. Okay, let's continue. What if it worked this way? You walk around big and soft and then when it's time to fuck, you got small and hard.

What if it was, what if... You could keep talking. Anyway, I won't keep talking because I don't, I have a, I'm obligated. And not obligated, actually, I love it. Yeah, you. You gotta keep your shit hard. Just took a hundred of these motherfuckers.

Yeah, you got... Let's take a hundred of these fucking things and see what happened. Like, you're hanging out with your boys in the Uber, like, on the way to the bar. Let's take a hundred of these fucking things. Did you see what happens? No matter what you're talking about, the sentence, I just took a hundred of these motherfuckers. It's so funny. There's nothing you can take a hundred of it.

It's normal or good, yeah. Like cookies. I had a hundred of these. motherfuckers. Oh, fuck. The moment you notice something's off in the bedroom, it tends to stick with you. Most guys sit on it. Dude, this copy is just...

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One word I just took a hundred To these fucking I have I just took a quote by Please touch it Hey my name is Please touch it

I'm here today All of you couples That have joined us In this Marriott Conference room For the sexual therapy My name is Dr. Please Touch it And we're here to get that spark back out

Don't let your love Don't leave your love life In the dark now You got to get Get that spark. Wow. Yeah. I'm Dr. Please touch it.

And this is my assistant doctor. What's your name again, doctor? Don't. My name is Don't rub it. Yeah, that's don't rub it. And I'm doctor, please touch it. And we are here to provide the sexual wellness and therapeutic concepts to the, let's call it, let's call it the less excitable couple.

Now, there's a lot of couples here. There's 10 people here. So there's five couples. And you each pay $2,700 a piece to be here. So we're going to take up the next hour of your time with incredible sensual techniques. And all the guys look like Steve Harvey. Yeah. All the guys look like Steve Harvey and all the women are very big.

But that's fine. That's completely fine. As Dr. Please touch it, I've had my fair share of large lovely ladies. And Dr. Don't rub it. let tell them the truth doctor uh uh it's hard for me to say this i don't even know if i if i could say this i it's okay doc this is this is the vulnerable now imagine we are no longer in the marriott conference center we are now in the vulnerability the vulnerability zone everybody vulnerable i i'll help you doctor i'll say it go ahead say it doc i wish i could tie it

tie and tape up everybody in this room and slit their throats one by one now oh god now you know that came out i know i took a while to say that but i really wish i worded that differently nah here's the thing dr don't rub it his that's what these people paid here i got to be i got to be completely honest yeah here's the thing dr don't rubb it what you just described could be sexually enticing to somebody who may not even be aware that they would find that sexually exciting and this is the first chapter of our book Enticing and exciting

ain't that right we co-wrote this chapter I wrote the enticing part Enticing part and Dr. Don't Rubbett he wrote the exciting part You could tell the difference because he wrote in pen and I wrote a pencil Yeah

You can't get excite Unless you entice Yeah The first technique to entice, you know, you come on from a long day of work and your ladies cleaning up the house, getting it all nice and clean. The first question out of your mouth might be, hey, bitch, where's my motherfucking dinner rat? But see, that's not enticing.

That is inciting violence, which we don't want. We want to entice, right? So when you walk in the door and your wife's vacuuming or clean. it up the kitchen. Don't say, hey, stupid fat bitch. Where's my motherfucking dinner? You say to her, damn, girl,

you look fine as hell in that big ass moo-moo. Come over here and throw that shit on the ground. Uh-huh. Tell them. And that is step one of enticing. Now, some of you may be, I see a lot on shaking heads, and I see a lot of people trying to leave,

and they're jiggling the doors to find them locked. that's fear entering your heart and your sexual sexual heart you need to keep the fear And doing that's just gonna make me angry Hey you don't want Yeah y'all be chill man

You don't want to make Dr. Don't rub it angry You know what I mean? The Lord took me A long way to get here He ain't called Dr. Dura But that's his brother His brother's dead And you don't want to know what happened to him

It's a long bloody story Killed by a knife. Actually, it's pretty short. It's actually pretty short story. Very simple. Anyway, everybody sit back down. Three word story. Killed by knife.

Epilogue by me, two-word epilogue. Yeah. So, entice, excite. Now, you walk through the door, and instead of demanding or questioning your sex, voluptuous wife in such a vile way, you've instead proposed to her a sexual encounter.

That is step one of entice. Step two is, and this is a two part. Step two A, and there will be a step two B. Pay attention, and then we're going to get to excite. After steps two and A,

I'm going to let Dr. Don't Rubb it come and teach you how to excite your partner. Step 2A, if your wife responds positively and begins, moving that big ass movement when throwing that shit on the ground, you say, oh, hell yeah. Now come get

some of this thick, thick-ass sausage. And you take her straight to the bedroom and you deliver it summer style. Step 2B, maybe she's trying to play coy and she's cleaning up the kitchen and vacuuming the kitchen and cleaning up the couch

and cleaning up the shirts. She might say, oh, but I'm tired. You might be inclined to say, bitch, I didn't say anything that you could say, I'm tired. I said, now, throw it on the ground now. We don't do that.

That's called enticing. And that's also how you get the police called. Step 2B, your wife responds negatively to you're enticing. You say, baby, if you take off that big ass mumo and throw it on the ground, I'll go get you some little seizures. And no woman can resist. I see a lot of nodding heads in this room for these big-ass women.

And now, now y'all were trying to leave earlier because Dr. Don't Rubbitt said he was going to tie you all up and slit your throats. Yeah, I know y'all suck the grease out of the box. Yeah, yeah. But now we're getting to tell him, doctor, I'm not going to speak for you no longer. Doctor, tell him how to start exciting. Now we're in the bedroom. So let's see, yeah, we're in the bedroom. And let's say you walk in the bedroom and she in their wife.

washing the shirt or you walk in the bedroom and she in there and she she ironing in the carpet for you and you say alright you big white bitch we in the bedroom ah my side you go right you know right so one way to go about it so no no i didn't even store you yeah see you talks of her You see, you ain't never gonna forget what's gonna happen to us. You ain't never gonna forget what's gonna happen to us tonight. I ain't never gonna forget what I'm gonna happen to you. And I never want nothing to happen to you. So just fucking listen.

He's fucking listen to me. Big white bitch. With your trifling ass. looking like Betty Crocker has hanging out them big booty gym short looking like Sanford and son

with your big crappy booty hanging out the shorts with your feet hanging off the flip flop looking like elephant foot meat girl Dr. Dr. Don't Rubber

now we are remember we are getting to the exciting part Sighted, yeah, we're citing. So, you start getting the girl. So you start getting the girl. Get lotion.

Well, all on her leg. Now you say, close your eyes, bitch. I got something for you. Next thing, she feels the dull side of a long, long knife on her thigh. It's a knife so long. You think it's a sword, but if she opened her eyes, it's like the kind of used for the kitchen. Not the scaric kind. So it's not bad what I'm saying.

Because it's a for a long carrot you would use it. This is also a complete metaphor for love and vulnerability. It's a metaphor for love. It's not. Yeah. I have to. You're not going to use a knife for nothing bad. No, you're going to use your love stick.

Next thing you do is you whisper in her ear. Ooh. And you say, old lady, I better looking let you roll guys. Taking a picture of your ploughing. Touch it all up, down. And I'm ready. And I want to turn you into a girl soup made only for guys. And are you ready to go to the next level with me?

And I want you to call you. to go all night long with all my friends they see you know you open the closet you got all your friends from high school there they're ready to go yeah I had a lot of friends

I had two friends I had a lot of friends everybody from my wrestling team that they didn't die in the helicopter crash they're all here all the survivors are here they're burned up too Some of them don't got...

They're still hot. Yeah, they still red. They still red. Smoke coming off their ass, you know what I mean? They hot and ready. Like Little Caesars. Like you like it. It's like chapter one and in, in touch.

Yeah, now you're full of pizza, you're about to be full of my fat-ass red friends. Fat-ass red friends sounds like a loop brine song. So anyway, all the fast... On to, on to the next step. You got it. You got to. Now, well, that was chapter one enticing and exciting. Now, for those of you who just walked in, I see two new couples that walked in through the locked door.

You guys are dressed like police officers, which is some people like wearing outfits. It's a one side lock. Don't try to get out. So I'm assuming y'all are here. Y'all are two men, and that's fine. It is against the Bible. So I do find it personally disgusting. but it is perfectly okay

please sit down gentlemen and we will address you shortly Chapter 2 Ignite and Delight Yeah I wrote the Ignite part

And Dr. Don't Rubbett wrote the delight part Now you might be wondering What's happening here You may be wondering what I'm scared You might be wondering wondering, am I going to leave this room alive? I don't have the answer to them questions.

All I got a doctorate in it is sex, love, and grease and fucking, and the type of shit that collects in your belly button. That's all I know. Yeah. So, I mean, some other shit comes out of mind sometimes, but I found out I had a hernia in my belly button recently, and so I actually have to go to the doctor for that. Oh, lucky man. Anyway

So So anyway It's chapter two Ignite So now you're in the bedroom All of your fat-ass red-ass friends are in the bedroom You've been enticed You've been excited

But we've been talking straight to the fellas The first chapter Now We are not just experts In the fella Sexual energy And fucking power We also are experts in the female

the feminine divine The honey hole As you might call it And this is the chapter For the ladies Ignite When your man come home Sometimes Maybe you're not in the mood

You spend all day ironing the carpet You spent all day cleaning the dog You spent all day Fucking screaming about some bullshit All right And he'd come home and he said Hey bitch I'm

Who are these fuck I'm gonna throw these wrangles on the ground And maybe you don't want him Maybe you want him to keep them wrangles on his fat ass I don't want to I know ma'am I know I'm big

Ma'am I can tell I can see you all the way from the back of the room You might be the biggest one I ever done seen What do you weigh A hundred and twenty pounds Yes That's big as hell That's big as hell to a guy

Bigger than a woman should be What? I, doctor, please touch it. Do feel bad about this part of the bit, so I will pretend. Yeah, I'm not. You are healthy size. Anyway, it is your job to ignite. See, your husband entices and exciting.

Now you've got to ignite it. Now you're in the bedroom and the number, the quickest way. See, everybody says, oh, making a man come, making them pleasure in the bedroom, and making them produce white. Slime is easy. And maybe that is easy, but it ain't so easy to please. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It ain't so easy to please me. Pleasure slime is a different color. It's different. It's pink. It's still coming out of the tip, but it's pink. Yeah. Oos. Pink ooze.

Yeah. It's kind of, it's chunkier, too. Anyway. Looks like insulation. Yeah. Wet insulation would live. look like, yeah. So anyway, you got her in the bedroom

and maybe he says something like, I don't feel so good, you say, let me rub that big red, white belly until I make all your dreams come true. And he might say some shit like, what the fuck did you just say? I ain't ever heard no shit like that in my life. Put on a tombstone

and go in the corner and stare in the corner like a fucking dog. I guess I do like Tombstone We're going to move on to the second chapter Because I am running out of I'm getting tired of doing this Okay The second chapter

Yeah but what's next Delight Delight Yeah So you in the corner Right He got on Tombstone And his Valkelema

And the other guy He got a different TV He's got a different network He got a different network He's watching Tombstone on Zeus network And they all holding the gun sideways Uh And

So you want to What's this chapter called? Ignite? Delight You're a delight Okay Yeah, yeah So he's getting a big jar of mayo ready

He's about to make a mayo a mayo and hot sauce sandwich. You gotta start crawling on your back. Like when salmon's get washed up on a riverbank and they got to flop back before the bear gets to him. All right.

You scoot over. You don't move any of your body. You just sliding around. And you slide underneath his feet. tripping him. He spins around Looney Tunes style next thing. No, you won't, you don't flip the middle of the bedroom all over him. You got the mail house sauce all over him. Oh God, now it's hot and creamy. And you whisper in his ear. And you say, I'm a girl and it's time for me and do my magic show for you, Mr. Professor. And listen here, you big face. motherfucker.

Big head ass boy with your big chin poking out and your gut and your big herniated disc poking out your back. Yeah. You're gonna need Tommy John surgery by the time you get your hand out of this pussy. And you just stuff, his whole...

You know how you got? Lady Paws is a size like... That's like a size of like a cow would have. Yeah. And that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Where you just put him in there.

And you just, you're going to take me to crazy town with your, girl, they're going to have to be calling NASA to get that rocket out of me. They're going to have to be calling, you know what, they're going to be having to call, they got to call the city.

Because I'm going to have a big sign buried in my sidewalk. And then you just, you just, you just, yeah, you just take a. a knife out and you just run it up his leg those side you see that's my signature move

you're gonna see that in all my books yeah and this all my books they involves a long knife you don't have a long knife you can't do half the chapters in these books and we sell the knives too Dr. Don't Rubbert I believe more people have joined and they all dressed like police officers and so I do

Oh sexy now all the bad bitches it's like police officers shoot your fake gun right at my right now because I know this is a trick. We have neutralized the doctor Don't Rubit and after please touch it, both of them have been neutralized, please sir.

I'm supposed to get an asthma from getting shot. The two serial to murderers disguised as sex doctors have been neutralized and captured. Please send five ambulances and 70 more cops and please send make sure all the cops are rude and fat.

Sorry everybody that. the conference is over all the big limb women can leave but all the guys can leave too anyway um yeah I mean I don't know everybody out except for the guys

guys start kissing yeah yeah guys get on the ground and start kissing now get on the get all the ground get your hands in your ass where the police only one person can leave this room alive everybody kill each other

get you get on the ground put your hand in your bitch now get on the fucking ground let me see your eyes one to come down I want to see you thumbing your ass now. It's the police. Everybody kill me, please.

Please, kill me. Please. I should have killed myself a long time ago. Please, I'm addicted to the Caleb Hammer podcast. Did you say Caleb Hammer? Okay, oh, good, you, okay. I was going to text you about this. Has he transitioned from financial advice to, like, Gen Z.

Jerry Springer? because I feel like he was, he still does the financial advice. But I've seen more clips lately of him bringing on couples and the guys like, yeah, I don't really like it when she talks or when she pees. And the woman is like, well, I mean, I'm going to have to talk, Jared, and I'm going to have to go TT. And then it cuts to Caleb Hammer and he's like, oh, you two. I don't know what the fuck.

I hate that. He really does have a problem with his weight and I do need him to fix it. And it's annoying me. The fact that he sells weight, the fact that he sells weight loss meal plans. Yeah. It's incredible. He's been the same weight the whole time he's been famous.

And also, if you're a financial guru, why are you selling people prepared meals? Yeah, you don't. Probably the biggest financial advice I would give is don't get the prepared meals. Yeah. Just get a big bag of rice.

and the big packs of frozen chicken they have. Uh-huh, yeah. And then spices are really cheap. Mm-hmm. And then just make yourself some bullshit. And then get some spices. Mm-hmm. And then vegetables are also, you know, more expensive than they should be, but you can afford them for sure.

They're pretty cheap compared to most things. Yeah. And then that's what your food is. Mm-hmm. And then tuna is also somewhat cheap. There's, you know, get beef on sale. I don't understand. Beans, peas, you get.

I think a lot of people. It annoys me that he's selling the meal plans. It's so, he's so off-putting to me. And I think if you buy factor meals from Caleb Hammer, you should be put into the device. Into the device. Yeah. That sucks out all of your sperm.

replace it. I think there's something like... And that's not called my mouth. It's called something else. So in the comments, don't even try to say that that would be my mouth or my bum. One of the things that I think that we did kind of lose, and I don't know how we lost it, and I don't know why.

But it's an intuitive understanding of how to eat and how to move when you're poor. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, whenever I hit... Not whenever, I was always kind of poor. But whenever I hit, like, DefCon Red, like, ugh! You know what I mean? My brain immediately flipped a switch that said big bag of beans, big bag of rice, and then the big H.E.B. chicken that's not the organic kind because it's like $4 more expensive. It's the chicken with all the steroids in it and shit. It's the chicken breast that are the size of grapefruit. There's no reason the chicken should have breasts that large. And you know that it's filled with all sorts of shit. But you eat it anyway because it's like $2.00. Yeah. My brain would immediately go, please go to Walmart and purchase two, two pound bags of beans, two, two pound bags of rice, and five things. of big ass fucked up steroid chicken.

It is only $12. This will provide you nutrients that you need for up to 15 days until you get paid again. Like I immediately knew how to do that. I feel like that's something that has been. I don't know what turned that off because you, you, I don't know if you meant to make the point, but I feel like, again, it's all marketing, but like people, they're like advertised to so much that they forgot that natural instinct of like, damn, my money's fucked up. I need to basically eat like I'm on the first.

frontier, you know, until I can get it right. Oh, I need to find a different grocery store. Yeah, or I need to find a different meal replacement. You know what I mean? Like, I need to get a different subscription. It's like, no, no, listen, we saw we patch, this, this method has, like, is, we pat, it's perfect.

It's still, now granted, it's still too expensive. Yeah, it's more choices than what. Yeah, yeah, it's really hard to be alive, especially if you have kids or whatever. Your kids don't want to eat fucking chicken and rice every day. But Um, you know, the,

dude, we ate so much cereal growing up. Yeah, me too. There's nothing wrong with that, but it made me think, like, it's probably why I was like, you know. Fat, a chunk of kid? No, I wasn't really super fed, but like, you know, you wonder why your kids are fucking scrambling around and not paying attention or whatever.

It's like, oh yeah, my, my breakfast was just, uh, dried up rice and candy yeah yeah i remember that makes sense i mean i'm not like uh not being like oh i wasn't wasn't nutrition i was malnourished or anything like that i was yeah but for breakfast i think um kids really got oversold on just having milk with whatever else they were had yeah well it's it was marketed to the parents like i remember being as well when i got older and like i always always loved cinnamon toast crunch and cookie crisp. Those are my favorite cereals. And, uh, and, uh, and, you know, like on the commercials, it'd be like part of a healthy

balanced breakfast. Like, there was this idea that cereal, I believed it. And I know my, my mom believed it. But it's kind of like, you know, how you think Arizona green tea when you're a teenager's, like, I'm drinking tea. It's like, no, you're just drinking like 400 grams of sugar or whatever in a tall boy. Yeah, you're just having non-carbonated soda. Yeah, it's just not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, nah, this is. healthy. It's like, no, you're having candy and milk. Like, that's what you're having. You're having a huge bowl of milked candy. And then at school, you're going to eat like shit that they served to a guy before they put them in the gas chamber because you live in America or whatever. Like, and it wasn't until I got older that I was like, yeah, I mean, it wasn't only my mom's fault because we also ate a fuck ton of hamburger helper, which I want to put, I want to put on the record. There are two things that from my life when I was, when I was much poorer as a boy and

as a young man that I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever talk shit on and I will never, ever forget where I came from when it comes to these two things. I will and have to some degree forgot where I came from with certain things, and that's fine. You should do that. But I will never turn my back on hamburger helper, the cheeseburger, specifically, and I'll never turn my back on Little Caesars. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever. I don't care because, man, there were many times in my life when all I could afford was one of those two things and they'll hold you down, dude. When Hot and Redis were still like six bucks after tax,

I would get two of them, and that would be my food for like two weeks. They'd have like two slices a day. That's all I could eat. And then, like, when I was really, really broke, we'd get the hamburger helper, no beef, just the pasta and the taco seasoning. And you could get boxes of that for like 99 cents.

And that was it. The ramen? Yeah, yeah, the Mara Chan big brown. Raman, bulk ramen. I don't know how much a 12-pack is these days, but I remember when I was a kid, we had so much of that, because I think it was like three or four bucks for a pack of 12. It's pretty cheap. I mean, I don't think people are like... They're taxing on that shit.

Yeah, I don't think people are like, mm, my one is so bad, I'm willing to pay a lot for it. Yeah, no, they know their market. Yeah, I ate a lot of ramen, yeah. Ramen was real popular, too, because I was like a latchkey kid, and so it was like, you know, make your own, whatever, like feed yourself. I got to go to work. I was like making fancy ramen, you know, with an egg or whatever. Yeah, that's funny sauce, green onion action, whatever you get going on. Yeah, I do that as an adult.

Like, I'll do like a rib eye or like a grilled chicken and a cast iron. I'll slice it up nice, put it on top of the ramen, elevated ramen, if you will. And there's a H.E.B or a central market by me that sells like the for real ramen, like broth and noodles. And so you can, it doesn't make it any cheaper. That's the thing also that they don't really tell you. Well, it's only recently became this way, but like. I did the math and like, if I go to Chick-fil-A every day for a month, it's about the same, one meal a day guy, I am one meal a day guy.

It's about the same. I have my protein shakes or whatever, like, but I will eat one thing right now, turn on his weight. What was I going to say? Oh, and I've got good groceries. It rounds out to about the same per month. It's like four or five hundred. Now, I'm getting food for two.

So whenever I go to the grocery store, I spend like three or four hundred bucks and I get like a fuck ton of shit you know but that's to last me the whole month or whatever eating out is about the same I won't say eating out at sit down restaurants where you're drinking and stuff but like fast food it's about the same it's pretty much the same um any any any who's it's uh yeah I don't know noodles is another another another classic what is that one just you just make some oh some new just pasta pasta you just put a some butter on there. Yeah, olive oil

stir around a little salt and pepper. Uh-huh. Yeah. Whatever you got going on. Oh, depression nachos? That's still a staple in the Rhodes household, me and my wife. That's when you just get some shredded cheese, bag of shredded cheese and some cheap tortilla chips.

You throw that shit in the motherfucking microwave with some, like, canned jalapinos. If you're feeling fancy, sometimes it's just the cheese and the chips. And then you've got yourself a nice hot plate of depression nachos. And you can have a depression cassidia. depression cheese roll Very easy You're just right Yeah yeah

Yeah But uh Dude one time I ordered Popeyes For me and Ashley I think I told you this I Uber eat some Popeyes And I

I don't know if there was a different mobile order Mix up But uh Some family got my order Which was She got like three chicken strips Like a chicken strip meal So the mashed potatoes

The gravy and three chicken strips. And I got like the two chicken thighs and, you know, fries or whatever. I got a sack delivered to my house, man. Five family deals, big tub of mashed potatoes and like ten biscuits. Some family went hungry that night. It was not my fault. You know, I wasn't going to, you know, it's not, it's out of my hands.

Dude, me and Ashley ate, like, fucking kings that night. It was incredible. And Papa, I bring this up because Popeye's is one of those fast food places where, like, I really can fuck it I'll fuck up some pop- Like I will Chick-fil-A you're like All right I'm done

McDonald's you're like All right I'm done You know Popeyes Dude I'll eat till I'll eat till I'm like Distended Like I like those like

The pictures of like The lions or whatever That are like They just ate a big kill And their bellies Are all fucked up And fat Hey darling

That's how I am with the Popeyes I love me Some of the fucking Popeyes Uh Better than churches in my opinion Do they have chicken express and Yeah Golden Chick?

Yeah, they've got golden chick And chicken express here And Polio Loco I've never I have tried Polio Loco But I wasn't crazy about it But I could have I really miss

Fried Chicken places Where you get white gravy with it Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah That's like not a thing here Yeah, I know Unless you go to like an actual Like southern restaurant

But then you're paying the premium For sit down shit, yeah You know And I just want like that And fast food Yeah, I just miss eating fat and flour Yeah, butter and fat and oil and flour, yeah

It's delicious I mean, when I go to visit up there I like obviously the array The variety of stuff But I could definitely see how you get like decision fatigue Where maybe you're like, I don't want Greek or fucking Lebanese or Syrian or fucking Dominican Like I want a piece of chicken fried steak with a bunch of fat on it it you know what i mean like a lot of this shit is bad like a lot of the restaurants here it's like

oh there's all these different restaurants what should i get and it's like well a lot of most them are bad they're ass yeah yeah yeah should i get greek food and then they just fucking dry the shit out of the chicken suvlocki or whatever and then what you realize is oh i am having an exotic i'm having greek food right yeah but this is just limini dry chicken with rice and then like a yogurt sauce and it's like well these are just yeah groceries i'm just eating groceries. Like I can... Yeah. The only...

Like, if I eat good, like, authentic Chinese food or something like that, or a good, like, Middle Eastern food, like, I'm not going to set up a shawarma fucking pit at my house. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like, I can't... I cannot

make Middle Eastern food as good as Middle Eastern people can't. Right, right, right. But I will say the Greeks do need to step it up as a people. in terms of a lot of things but we've got to get more consistent with those restaurants

one of the things I think about like and Austin Austin is similar it's worse actually but like the whole like New York is a foodie town like I feel like

everybody in New York not everybody but a lot of people in New York are drunk or high on something and so all food is good when you're mildly fucked up. I'm not saying blackout belligerent crazy.

I'm saying like maybe you got a little bit of heroin in you or a little bit of pills or a little bit of booze or a lot of weed or whatever. Like any, like, like really nasty swarma at 1 a.m. is delicious precisely because you're shit hammered. If I have that same shwarma at like noon, dog shit. 10 pounds of dog shit in a 2-pound bag. You know what I mean? It's just fucked up.

But I will say I've had better sit-down experiences in New York than I, and New York and Chicago than I've had anywhere in Texas. Chicago is beast. Chicago is the best city in America and if I could move there, I would. Chicago probably, I've never had a burger in Chicago and been like, I've never had food. Every time I've been like, damn. Yeah.

Every place that we go when we go, go there, which is why, like, I'm going to, I'm going to hit up Lincoln Lodge again, I'm sure they'll have us. I just want an excuse to go back there because it's like, it's my favorite fucking city. I think it's the best American city, in my opinion. Seattle, close second, but Chicago is like the fucking, it's just the best. Um, but with New York, it's like, we got everything. And it's like, yeah. And everything, I really fucked with Milwaukee, too. Low key, Milwaukee is like, I think it's, it's a hard. It's a hard. It's a hard. It's a It really felt like America, you know what I mean?

They did, yeah, like like a heartland, born in the USA. That was, there was a, there was a quaintness to it. I liked how black it was there. I don't mean that in a weird way, but we were staying in the blacker part of Milwaukee. And I went, oh, this is cool. Like there's murals and stuff everywhere. There's like art installations and stuff. Cool blue joints.

And when I thought Milwaukee, I just thought of it as like, you know, white Midwestern. Yeah. A bunch of guys eating black. blocks of cheese and weren't flannel. But whenever I came over there, very welcoming. And I was also partial to the burger, beer, $8 combo. Yeah.

That was a beautiful thing. They had that shout out to Max Shanker. Took us to Small Bar in Chicago, which I'm not kidding, dude. That place is like stamped in the back of my mind forever, like branded. Because if I'm ever in Chicago, I don't care what part of We stay in when we go or if I go whatever if I'm there I'm going there That shit was fucking m'm scrumptious dude I'll be there too sweet if I'm ever in the fucking windy city

Because here's the thing I think Like whenever I hear about places like oh new restaurant closes I'm like the formula's right there new restaurant and bar closes Yeah it's because you're calling it a gastro pub and you've got like You've got the burger called like the The called like the sauce me daddy burger Get that shit up and it's got like a fucking grueuier Fucking goddamn reduction wine reduction fuck all that shit dude

You do a beer shop burger combo for nine dollars and you fucking watch the money roll in That bar was fucking packed fucking ass to nuts is the sheriff would say and And uh and um it was delicious now if you try to charge me 50 $15 for such a combo. That's actually still not a bad deal. Beer shot in a burger should not be more than $15. But the fact that at small bar, the fact that at small bar they had the single, that's what I got. I got the single patty beer and a shot and it was seven bucks.

And I was like, yo, I was just like, what fuck, dude. Like, what a fucking, this isn't even a comedy pot. What a beautiful world we live in. Yeah, I'm just hungry now. but like I was like damn that's fuck that's fucking

because if you go to a place and Americans try to talk about beauty shifts in culture and stuff and then the the podcast ends with 30 minutes of pertaining to be black guys and then another 30 minutes

of talking about hamburgers and the best place to have them yeah and why this is the last good thing that we have left is this ten dollar beer shot burger combo we shouldn't try to be anything else we should just keep eating burgers and getting gout or whatever Yeah, I don't want it.

I did not, the first half of the episode may have seemed like a deviation from our usual thing. I just, I had a fucking, no, no, it was a good, it was something in my craw, and I, and I, and I wanted to get it off my chest. But, uh, it wasn't something that I hear voiced often, so it was good. If it, if it, if it, if it, if it had been bad, I would have, um, derailed me. Yes, I would have derailed you. You can, yeah, I do make a good point, and I still derail it because we have to, you know. We have to stay true to the art work. We have to stay true to it.

Yeah, yeah, and I feel you. Yeah, I don't know. I just like, I want, I don't know, I don't want, sometimes I feel bad for the people that are locked in that lock and grindset wellness thing because it's like, you know, you're never going to be, there's this idea, I think, that's like slowly again, like permeating culture. It's been permeated for a while.

It's been creeping in. And now it's got a lot of people in a choke But this idea that's like, are you grinding your 20s, grinding your 30s, and then like, you know, try to retire early in your 40s. And it's like, first of all, that's very, very difficult to do. Second of all, like, you're never going to be 22 again, ever. Like, there's really only this moment and then everything else exists in the abstract. Your hair line and penis working years. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, you know, and people say, oh, I've been hiking. And yeah, me too. I've been on mountains. And there's old people on mountains. Yes, they do do that stuff, but it does hurt their body. You know what I mean? And so I want to say...

Also, if you don't have kids and you want to have kids, like, spend the money and travel and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Is you going to have, like, two or three years where you can't really do that stuff? And then you can do it again after. Yeah, you can't... Everybody that I know that's having them, at least the good fathers that I know, I don't know or communicate with the bad ones, but I know of several bad ones who are like, nothing about their... life fundamentally changed and thus they are still able to do whatever they want but that's not

how you raise a kid um i mean you can obviously you make a kid a part of your life but a lot of the times guys i know that are bad fathers you can't make a kid a part of you know i don't want to say it because people will be able to guess what i'm talking about but anyway um yeah it's you know it's uh you're denying yourself people like oh you know i don't want to drink alcohol i don't want a party that's fine But you are denying yourself what I believe to be one of the most, like, one of the most important things about life, if you're granted, if you got lucky enough to have like a working, a somewhat working mind in all limbs, all your limbs working, like, one of the most important things, perhaps the greatest thing is like, memories. Like, and I'm not talking about nostalgia where you get trapped in this thing of like, oh, I want to go back. It's like, no, like, memories that are like nice, not memories that are spent trying to figure out how to optimize your fucking biometrics so you can, you know, upgrade your sleep score on your fitness watch so you can unlock the next sleep level.

Like those aren't memories. Memories aren't spent optimizing anything. At least not my memories, but, you know, like my best memories are spent like in the moment with people I care about. not trying to find new and innovative ways to track, you know, my fucking vitamin B levels. But who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? Like, I mean, who gives this shit? Like, everybody was talking about that podcaster.

What is his name? He's like the king of, diary of a CEO where he was like, oh, I had one glass of wine and I couldn't podcast the next day. And it's like, let's assume for the sake of argument that's true. That is your problem. you're not making that my problem you are a bitch made

B um boring as fuck like you do not have to make that where everybody has to be like oh I I think not because you put it in people's heads like I had one glass of wine in it and my fitness watch said that I that I didn't sleep as good

all of those watches I hate to fucking tell you guys this Google it if you want I'm not pulling it out of my ass a lot of that shit's just made the fuck up it's made up to get you Oh, dude, my sleep score was tremendous last night. Yeah, it's made up to get you to upgrade your watch. It measures how much I'm asleep.

Yeah. And I was fucking sleeping. There's nothing else that can do that. Like my own mind. You know what I do is before I go to sleep, I say, all right, what time is it? And then whenever I wake up, I go, all right, well, this is the time it is now. Looks like I slept that much. Yeah, there's this thing called...

And whether I slept well is entirely up to me. It's clear immediately when I wake up. Here's the thing. I would have been able to make that. stuff up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I secretly did sleep well,

yeah. I don't want to have an app where I'm sharing my sleep score with everybody and everything. Right, yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to... I just want to wake up normal time and then...

And then go eat a large breakfast at a restaurant sometimes and then come to work two hours late. Yeah, I'm not trying to offload like my human experience. Something as banal is feeling sleepy. I'm not trying to... offload that to the hallucinations of a machine.

Like I don't want to do that. And the idea that not only the fact that some people do that, but that is what you should be doing is absolutely fucking insane to me. It gets, like, you, oh, you should be optimizing and checking your sleep score and your energy levels throughout the day. What? What? I got a fitness watch, um, not for any of that shit, but to track my heart rate because

when they, when they diagnosed me with pots, they were like, just keep track of this and we're to see if you have pot. And it turns out I have pie pots. They're a grilled disease. But whatever. It also had all that sleep shit on there too. Yeah. And so it became part of the app, right?

And I did like a little test on myself where I found out that I would go to bed at like 10 p.m. But I'd wake up at 7 in the morning, right? And I would feel personally well rested. But the app would say your sleep score was 42. You had a poor night's sleep. And then I found myself throughout the day being like, well, I do feel a little tired. I do feel a little groggy in a brain fog. Perhaps it's my sleep score.

Like I would trick myself, right, into, and all of that biofeedback, it's a negative biofeedback loop. That's what that is. It's your, like it's, it tricks you into basically uping your subscription because you get the base level.

And then it's like, for $10 more, you can get an even deeper reading into your delta wave sleep levels. And it's like, first of all, no watch can tell you that. That shit that you go to a fucking sleep lab and they hook a bunch of shit up to your head. And watch can tell you that. Second of all,

who gives a shit, unless you have insomnia or parisomnia or whatever the fuck? It doesn't matter. Like, it does not matter. I've gone to bed at two in the morning and woke up at five. Was I tired? Yes.

Did I go to work? Yeah. Did I have a normal day? 100%. Yeah. And that's the thing. Again, memories.

It's like, oh, no, I can't. oh, if I stay out tonight, it's my sleep schedule. My sleep schedule and I don't really shut. It's going to mess up my score.

Blow me. I saw a TikTok of a guy and he was just running and it was another one of those, like I said, fucking up the algorithm on purpose things where he was like trading in late nights for better sleep scores part one. And it was like tracking his sleep data.

And I was like, you're trading in. in nights with your friends, assuming this guy has friends, trading in nights with your friends to look at numbers on your phone that are mostly made up to determine how well you slept. How fucking stupid are you? Like a part of this is also a pseudo intellectual thing where they're like, I analyze data about my body. It's like, yeah, no, you have a mind, you have a conscious mind, you can do that yourself.

Pretty good. Usually, you know how if you don't feel good? you don't feel good emphasis that's your body saying hey I don't feel good you know or whatever anyway I'm rambling fucking fucking suck and fuck Wednesday if you guys want to come see me do stand up

and you're in Austin I will be at Velvita Fest this Friday tickets are at the velvita room.com it is a one night one show comedy festival which means it's pretty much just a show but Pat every year calls it Velvita Fest and there's like, you know, funny gimmicks and a lot of fun games and it's stand-up, but it's also just a, it's just a hoot and holler. We keep the bar open a little later.

It's a lot of fun. What else do I got going on? I made a list of my plug so I don't fuck my shit up. Bingy bongy, binky bongy, bingy bongy, bingy bongy, bingy bongy, bongy bongy, um, yeah, tonight, I'll be at 924, I'll be doing lip service, which is a date, advice show for the gays and the dolls. I do believe it's also for women, too, and also for straight men.

I think I last episode misread the show because it had a pair of lips on the poster and my brain, kind of my lizard southern brain, said, that's for girls and gay guys. But as it turns out, it's just a normal stand-up show that everyone can come to and everyone can be on. If you like the band Chinese football, my band is opening up for them at Hotel Vegas

you can get tickets October 15th Drunk Uncle my band Listen to them on Spotify Our EP Fiction Years 2 came out this year Go run that up And then if you know the band Ben Quad November 17th we're opening up for them as well You can get tickets to binquod.com

Or just Google Binquod For all my I guess Emo adjacent to punk scrams People Um, tickets, oh, by the way, of an update, tickets for New Orleans and Philly are going to be up hopefully this week, if not next. They have all the assets that they need, and I got an email, rather message confirmation from one of the clubs that things will be up shortly. So New Orleans and Philly, be prepared for those dates.

Thomas, you got stuff coming up too. Yeah, September 27th, albeit Pine Box Rock Shop and Bushwick. and October 4th, I'm doing a roast battle at Lucky Jacks, also in New York. That's a Sunday. And then October 30th, come to Colomas. It's a show me and Caleb Pitts are throwing. We're splitting an hour at Life World in Bushwick and Sean at Goodkini. And Tommy Bayer will be on that one as well.

Very funny guys, friends of the show. And that is all for me. Thank you for listening to Pendejo time. Thank you for tuning in. Subscribe. Check out the Patreon. And come to our live shows, please. And have a good life.

If you guys ever are in a pickle in terms of coming to the shows or something. Oh, yeah. Reach out and we'll try and make things work because we know that it's hard out here for a pimp. Oh, for sure. So, yeah. Yeah. We always, not always, but lately we've been able to work something out the last couple shows in Philly and New York and Chicago where we were able to set aside like, I think like 10 tickets or something. So when those tickets do go up for New Orleans and Philly, if you want to come and money is tighter than a tight place, hit us up on Instagram or Patreon and we'll help you out.

Yes, patreon.com slash Pendeo time. Throw us a couple bucks. If not, no worries. keep listening to the free ones and have a good week we love you, bye-bye peace