Pendejo Time - goodbye im divorcing you

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

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to walk people. So guys, you're probably wondering what the issue was with my laptop just now. By laptop, I mean my girlfriend's old laptop from college that I've been using for the last two or three years. Also, you have a desktop rig, a nice one. I have part of it. Part of it I left it on the side of the road in Texas because... You never told me that.

What? Part of it, I couldn't fit in any box. so I left it well some of it I left on the side of the road and some of it I just left screws all in the carpet and stuff

and I left the computer monitors just taking apart on that desk and then I told my little brother I said hey there's actually some kind of there's something there for you at the back at the house

you know I know I'm 15 It's like a $1,500 rig. Why the fact? No, it was a lot more than that. A lot more than that. You told me when you first moved to New York or maybe I forget that you just had it all, quote, unquote, boxed up. I have all of it that I own is in.

I have all of it that I own. Okay. I don't know. What does that mean? Like linguistically, what is that? I have a graphics card and a CPU. I mean, I have the guts of a computer. Okay.

But I don't have anything to put it into. Okay. That's like being like... And I also don't have any screens. That's like telling people, yeah, I got an old barracuda. And then you just have the chassis. Yeah, I basically have a rusted out frame. So I'm kind of, I'm not actually mad.

I also have a pretty limited storage situation here. So about half of what I have in storage here is just, parts of computer that takes up more the closet itself is about three square feet and it's stick

that's what ours is but yeah so the issue I was having is that Chrome I just kind of want to walk people through this because it's actually pretty interesting

like kind of behind the scene of how the magic happens so I've been having this issue last few days where Chrome won't respond to anything that I do and whenever I

force quit Chrome it says it can't do that and when I try to log out of the computer or shut down the computer says it can't do that because it's not responding so I tried to I thought well who the hell cares I'm on a MacBook Air I'm going to go to Safari I'm going to run

this software off of Safari because when we had that Zoom meeting yesterday I had the same issue, but I just went on Safari and it said, hey, no problem. We can run Zoom through the browser. Well, and I got cocky, Jake. I got cocky.

I thought, well, I can just keep doing the show without Chrome forever. And I'll just have... Just keep talking. Chrome open until I get a new laptop. Well, imagine my surprise today when I, you know, I've got the laptop all charged. up and frankly I'm ready to use it and I go and as I get you know booted up and everything the laptop well it's not responding to a lot of the commands I'm giving to it and it's creating

kind of a tense situation for me because at the same time keep in mind I've got sweet potatoes in the oven roasting to the perfect internal temperature yeah and I don't I don't mean to cut you off but I do want to let everyone know that I have been telling you made you told me to get a new camera you haven't been telling me to get a new laptop. I've been telling you to get a new something for me. I've been saving up a lot of money for the show. Really? Yeah.

I believe you on that. I don't think I've ever believed in anything more. In fact, the only money I've invested into the show recently was the mic amp situation. I tried to upgrade the sound by a lot. ended up failing and that as I the trans

the trans girl at the music store I thought that she knew a lot about podcasting I stereotyped and I took her advice on something she's very sweet and I appreciate it but

when trans people tell me about music production I believe them correct that's a good assumption yes and i think that she was correct but incorrect about the application yeah don't ask asking a trans woman i was trying to do was making it to where everybody who was on the episode could have their own headphones that they could hear the audio from live which isn't a crazy thing like most yeah an audio splitter yeah yeah yeah um and so She was like, this is way better for what you need. And it was $200 and it was not better for what I needed.

It was not what I needed. It was a different thing. It was for like, let's say if I needed to, I think it was like if I needed to run a mic and a guitar out of the same amp, it's not the same thing. Yeah. If Pendejo time was a bedroom pop project, trans woman's perfect place to go.

Right. But I guess, you know, Hudson, if you're listening to this, now I have some of the. equipment needed to make hit music. So my line, maybe. You know, I know that you've mostly been doing guitar and singing lately, if you ever get tired of that, and you want to do maybe like a rap song about like a gorilla that has slaves. Yeah, like a thing where like I'm your slave. Hudson Freeman hit writer in the song, if you know me.

slave. Yeah. He is my white slave. If you know me like you think I'm... It's in Freeman. To the tune of his song. He's my human slave. He's a real bad guy.

He owns a plantation. No, I don't. He's so nice. I'm going to spread a rumor that he bought a plantation in South Carolina. With all of his. you know me money. Yeah, he saved up

and he bought a plantation. He makes a bunch of money with white people having weddings there. Yeah, I'm really proud of him, man. He's coming a long way.

He, you know, he was just kind of, just a guy trying to make it in the big city. And now, dude, he actually owns, like five or six plantations.

Yeah. He really grinded on the folk rock scene and then he got to New York. And, man, that song of his blew up. But then he just bought like seven or eight

cotton plantations. I don't know. Yeah. idea, yeah. I'm going to start describing people's music as plantation rock and then refusing to elaborate. Dude, yeah, we only call MJ Linderman in that crowd plantation. Yeah, like kind of plantation rock type stuff. I'm getting into that later.

Yeah, I went to this. It was M.J. Linderman, Wednesday, and Hudson Freeman. I'd never seen a plantation rock show live before. But that was cool to see. him all together especially Wednesday. Yeah, it was really moving. Just a bunch of, you know,

fans of that genre in one place you can imagine it was a wild crowd. Yeah, man, you know, I feel so lucky I got to go see Sturgle. He was doing MetaModern.

And, you know, it was weird to be in an environment with so many plantation rock fans. Sturgell is definitely closer to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I always forget that Tom knows him and Tyler, and I remember, I think one time when we were talking about

maybe going up to Kentucky or something, he was like, yeah, if you ever come up here, Kentucky way, I'll let Sturgeoningle and Tyler know, maybe maybe didn't come to show. And I was like preparing myself to tell Tom, Hey, man, I know those are your friends, but you can't, you can't really, I'm not going to be normal around them. I can be pretty normal about most, but if you have me around Sturgle Simpson or Tyler Chilers, I'm just going to be weird. There's no way around that.

I mean, I'm pretty weird around like, just anybody, I guess, like, you know, I'm not off-putting, but I can be like a difficult hang sometimes. But you can't put me in the same room of Sturgle and not, I'm just going to, I'm just going to, I'm going to ruin that evening for everybody. You know what I mean? I'm just, it's going to be bad. Same with Tyler Childers. You can't keep it's not possible I'm gonna be like hey so you know What's it like being awesome

What's it like oh Me and my friend Thomas sang a version of your song Feathered Indians In his truck ones and we don't we never bring that up We don't really remember what the words were We don't talk about that I don't remember what I said I can't recall

To be truthful I don't remember it's been so long I don't I don't really remember I don't know I've heard I know that we did a cover of that song, but I don't remember what the cover was about or even really what was said or even what words we rhymed with what. But I remember we had a good time. And thank you. Nice to meet you, Mr. Childers.

Anyway. Yeah. I don't think they would really enjoy that much. Probably not. You know, if you're a millionaire guy, you can probably go to a really good comedy show. Yeah. Yeah. But what even is a really good comedy show? You know, you just go to, I guess you go to the cellar or something like that.

Yeah, you go to the cellar or you go to the store, I guess. I mean, actually, I don't know. When I was doing shows with Ben and I went to the store, it felt like, it felt like going to Circus, Circus in Vegas. It felt like a vestigial organ or whatever. There was like, I don't know, it was a bizarre. There was a guy. He's like one of the only guy. I forget his name.

It's a weird ass fucking name. He does the show there every night. He's like 90 years old. He was friends with Mitzie, and he knew all the OG guys. And all he talks about is how he used to do a bunch of cocaine with the same Kinnison and stuff. Which is sick. Like, that's cool. But I guess he, like, came with the club because Polly Shore bought it, got it when his mom died.

And his Mitsy Shore. And that guy, like, came with the club like an old set of plumbing pipes. As far as my understanding is, he's like, this guy gets to do the club every night. Pauly Shore's mom owned the comedy store? Mitsy Shore. Yeah, that's how Pauly Shore, like, Pauly Shore. was a Nippa baby his mom owned not the yeah the store not the

seller uh the comedy store and in west hollywood yeah yeah yeah that's i saw him and mark marron there when i was in town doing shows with ben and uh paulie shore uh was

seemed to be really trying to work out this 45 minute long bit about seeing pictures of black girls vaginas uh and was doing crowd work strictly with the only two black women in the crowd and date. Let me tell you, let me tell you, Thomas,

I don't know, I don't know if you've ever done stand-up comedy, but he was really crushed. Yeah, I imagine, man. I knew he was good

because he, whenever I lived in Fort Worth, he would come to Fort Worth seemed like every couple months. Yeah, that's usually a good sign. That your careers. If you're hitting Dallas,

Fort Worth, you know, five, six times a year, that's how you know. You really made it. Was your, you know,

passed at hyenas or the Addison Improv, you know, that's a big deal. Yeah. I remember the, I never got a spot at hyenas or, I never really got a spot in, the only spot I have ever done in Dallas, Fort Worth, like actual spot was Ben's show

in a hotel banquet hall. No, you told me you did that show with Scarecrow de comedian or was that a mic that was an open mic oh okay never mind yeah no i i bombed very consistently and forward it was not my not my crowd and also i was doing very bad stuff i was not like i do bad stuff now still but there's something there at least there was nothing nothing there but uh what was i getting that oh the owner of hyenas uh i remember he put a Craigslist ad up one time looking for an assistant

personal assistant and the requirements were like between the ages of 22 and 28 you know between 5-2 and 5-6 would be ideal female attractive brown hair

just looking for somebody to help me with um assisting assisting me with my comedy club that i own that's awesome not even making it like not even trying to be like to obfuscate what it is that you're doing like yeah looking for um like a petite like 51 to 5 4 95 pound pog uh to help me with taxes preferably between the ages of 18 and 22. No experience necessary in accounting. We can figure that out. Yeah.

Am I, by the way, I'm 45 and 382 pounds. Actually, I don't know the state of that guy's body or his age. Me neither. I don't even know what it looks like. Dude, there's like, there's like new comedy clubs popping up all over the place in Austin. And I'll, like, go to the guy's page who owns it. And like three weeks before the club opened, he was a real estate agent in like Washington or something. And it'll be called like, I don't know, Tony's Lafshack or something.

And I think what's happening is, and again, this is like that urban legend, that urban story of the guy who, the first city in Japan gets bombed with the atomic bomb and he sees it and then gets on a train and then heads, and he gets. You go to the second city that gets bombed. It's like, imagine being like a wealthy real estate agent in Washington and then being like, I'm going to open up a comedy club in Austin in 2026. That's tough, man. Hey, I've got a really good business idea.

I'm going to buy a bunch of sarin gas and I'm going to pump it through the ventilation systems of all the subways in and around, in and around the world. and I'm going to become kind of like a super villain. I had a really good job before that. I was working. I was making millions of dollars doing commercial real estate,

but I decided to become a super villain and to kill millions of people with sarin gas. What are you looking at on your phone, pictures of guys' butts? No, I was looking at. I was on the LinkedIn of the owner of the comedy club. Oh, is he still looking for? His name is Randy Butler. I don't know if we should put that out there.

I don't know if it's the same guy, though. So that's way worse. Randy Butler sounds like Like a British porn star Yeah for sure Randy Butler Randy Butler's here Randy Butler

I've heard you've got Shag Cup Yeah I've got a twisted bowl of penis here for you Twisted bowl of penis A penis That's mad about

A penis strung up like a Christmas turkey. Madam, I heard you've ordered the twisted boulder penis. I've got my balls tied together in a twisted shape like a rotissory chicken.

I've got my foreskin tied back like the legs. You're just suck up my balls like chicken legs. Have you ever seen one of the turkeys at the Renaissance Fair? It's on the... I hope you like it when guys compare their penises to chicken legs because I'll be doing that all night to you. It's the only frame of reference I have.

Do you like mutton? I've got a bit of mutton for you. Yes. I'm a girl. I'm horny. I hate your girl voice, dude. I'm a girl. It's so fucking jarring, dude.

I would a guy to bang me. I just got horny for guys. Dude, you in like 30 years the show failed. We both of us failed. We both became teachers. You're like the, you know, the strength coach at like a fucking failing high school and you're also the health coach. I'm like the history teacher at the same school. And you're like, yeah, I'm going to have him doing the sex lecture for the seniors.

So I've been working on my girl voice. Can I? We're going to run about you. You got to be the guy, though. All right. Yeah, sure, Thomas. Yeah, for old time's sake. Hey, hi.

This is our first date. How are you? Hi, I'm in high school. I'm a girl. You're my high school girl? I'm a high school girl. Sorry, you're going to, sorry, I'm married. You know, I'm married, Thomas.

I've been married 30 years. I'm not. I'm a horny girl. I'm not. I'm in school. I'm in school and I'm horny. Help, I'm stuck in school. I need you to call it a bomb threat.

Help me get out of here. I think that's the plot to like a bunch of those Japanese weirdo games. They're like dating simulators. It'll be like, help. I'm trapped in high school. I need you to call on a bomb threat so we can go to the cafe later. Help, I'm stuck in the toilet. I'm stuck in a Japanese high school.

I need you to do... I need you to hack into the security camera. Help, I'm in trouble and I'm dressed like this for some reason. I'm dressed in a short red dress and I'm in the toilet. Oh, fuck. name is Charlotte dress Charlotte dress Charlotte dress

and I'm a girl and I'm a high I'm a girl hi my favorite color is pink you know the story about the guy who was like 35 and went back to high school was a senior and like falsified all the documents I'm trying to imagine you like it's like

trying to go into a high school in the middle of like Indiana or something just like hello I'm 21st. I'm 21st. want. The registrar's like, I'm sorry. First of all, hey, sorry. Excuse me.

Can you get the police? Yeah. You know that the students graduated 18, right? So you can't. I'm a 21-year-old high school. I'm a sophomore. Girl. I'm a girl.

I go to girls school. We're going to need the SWAT team. Yeah, we're going to need everybody. Do you guys have a classroom for horny students? man once again I would really like it if you stopped talking to me for the foreseeable future the principal of this school

and I would really like it I've never thought one for one moment that I would be having a conversation remotely similar to this ever and I've had some bad ones trust me this is the worst day I've ever had being principal of Columbine High School

in my 30 years of service here The principal directly before me did have a particularly bad week. And we desegregated in 2010. It's in Columbine in Colorado. It's like a blue state. We lost a lot of white children that day. So we had to re-segregate for a couple years.

And then we desegregated again. Once we had the... Ratio fixed. Once we had the majority again. Now, you might be wondering about the voting power of high school students. It's not high. It's not high. It's zero.

It's zero, literally. In the wake of this tragedy, we have decided to resegregate Columbine High School. We realize this is a highly controversial and unneeded decision. But what's worse? This or the guys who did the shooting? It's probably worse to shoot up the schools and segregate it, right? Like the sheriff He's all sweaty

Yeah In order to prevent another tragedy Like this we have decided And now I know you're gonna have questions This is like Ainton if it was good Yeah We have decided to resegregate Combine High School

For the foreseeable future Until we can get this good We realize this is Probably a huge concern For every parent We do not have an alternate at school. So you're going to have to do figure something out.

We are establishing another school across the street, expect to be built in 75 to 100 years. I Show Speed Middle School. There are no classrooms. It's one big warehouse. It's about 80,000 square feet. Some would call it not, some would call it a storage building. A camp.

Some would call it. bus parking for our school. For the Aurora Municipal Airport. But it's a dead again a reporter raised his hand. I'm sorry, I don't quite understand, Sheriff, in the wake of what seems to be a shooting, mostly motivated by trauma at home, you've decided to not only re-segregate to school,

but to move all of the, non-white students to a parking lot across the street. Is that correct? Well, yes, we do believe that it could have been racially motivated just because sometimes that is, sometimes that does happen. Just the dumbest, the dumbest, most incompetent chair.

We will also be switching to a paperless homework system in the school year. We'll be sitting home pictures of homework to your bone. We will be fundraising for Chromebooks. It's 1999, sir What is a Chromebook? Well, it's something I've been working on Yeah, well, I've been cooking up a lot

You guys haven't seen behind the scenes I'm not just a sheriff I'm way more than that I'm much more than a sheriff I'm also Larry Page Of Google Now what do I know about Larry Page Not much

I'll tell you that to be honest silver hair only thing that comes to mind oh fuck Larry page yeah you got enough Larry page what's that short for Lawrence page

Larry book Larry book you're just talking to yourself at the podium Larry Page Larry Bird I love Lucy I love Larry

sir you've yet to address how resegregating a school I would also like to make a show called I Love Larry, which is a basketball spinoff of I Love Lucy starring Larry Bird. And I play Larry Bird.

And Birdman, the music fame. Sir, it's 1999. Birdman is actually hot on the scene. That is true. He is hot. With cash money records. Yeah, that is true. He is hot on the scene.

Lowell Wayne has already been featured on some mixtapes. They have been... rising star and his lyricism is yet to fully peak. He doesn't really have his confidence yet. He's been mostly getting kissed. He's still currently being molested clearly. You can tell by the way he raps his confidence is not there.

Once he is taught to molest other rappers, he will gain much more confidence and start taking pictures with Rolls Royces and things of that nature. Once you... Look, I'll put it like this, man. You didn't hear Charlie Sheen start saying the winning stuff till

you know, Corey Feldman had to take for the team for the Charlie Sheen's confidence one star rides is another falls that's how we do it

at Columbine High School just so you know by the way me sheriff Larry Page of Google and of Littleton, Colorado I can also see the future and I will be able

to tell you that not only is Birdman currently molesting Lil Wayne he will continue to do so right up until the point which Lil Wayne drops Amili which will change the course of rap music forever

that's going to be a really big track for you guys I need you to understand that. That's going to be a big one. Berman will also never look less like a penis than he does. He will continue to look more like a fat lesbian than anybody has ever looked. A big, fat, bald stud, as they say. Also, it turns out P. Diddy is innocent, and that will be important in the future.

I know. Mark my words. The day after Columbine. Mark my words. R. Kelly and P. Diddy? R. Kelly and P. Diddy will be framed for something horrible. horrible. There's something more important going on right now.

The sabotage of black men behind the scenes. They're going to take down Arkell because he refused to wear the dress. And instead he was wearing manly things like leather wife beaters. Like a buttoned up wife beater with a belt shaped like a tongue. The underwear met out of fruit roll-ups. They don't want to see a black man wear traditional masculine stuff. Like a tongue belt and a buttoned up leather wife beater and a pair of fruit roll-up. A thong shirt with the nipples cut out.

They didn't want to see Pete Diddy do masculine stuff like wear an all-white see through pair of underwear covered in oil. Right. Or swallow a bottle of champagne. The whole thing, glass and all. They didn't want to see him deep throat a bottle of Dom in front of fucking Young Jeezy. Oh my God I've come from the future To tell you that they will frame

The PDDD. I realize this isn't a lot of information For you guys to take in I know a lot of families are still grieving We can't get caught up in what happened yesterday We got to look to the future right now We got to look to 30 years in the future damn near I got the flag all the way up

I'm not going half mass Those kids were not government officials I'm keeping it full mass. By the way, R. Kelly is a government official, and so is P. Diddy. I have it at half-mast, but it's for what's going to happen

to R. Kelly and P. Diddy in the future, it's not about the children today. It's about my visions. My visions are from God. Yeah. The visions I've been getting from God that I've been having in my sleep. In 2009, Michael R. Jackson will be killed by a sniper rifle.

The reality TV show star Donald Trump will be framed for depraved acts of pedophilia and sexual rape. He did not do it. Well, the evidence is currently mounting. The evidence is mounting as we speak. The man from home alone will become the president of the United States. That's right.

Joe Peshy Joe Pesci. President Joe Pesci in 2006 would be brutally assassinated by six sniper rifles. At the same time. Some of my visions are objectively not correct. Some would call me a full-blown schizophrenic

and an evil, dreadful man. And a failed Oracle. I would also like to admit some guilt for what happened yesterday. I, I, me, Sheriff Larry Page,

would like to, uh, accept some responsibility for the, the tragedy that happened to call in a high school. Many will be critical. It's not public information yet, but I had the opportunity to call the police and I did not.

I was on my phone. You guys don't have those yet. I asked them to not do that either. I was on my big phone. I was on my landline. I was just pressing buttons on my landline. Yep. I was playing a,

game called phone. It's where I ran numbers and whatever comes up, I say. Hello, I'm a girl. I'm a horny girl from school. And I'm the horny girl principal. Slash sheriff. Slash sheriff.

Slash E of Google. Slash genius. Slash Oracle. Do you want to hear about my visions or my hormones? I've been having terrible. visions, but we can talk about something sexy instead.

Something about a screening of Batman in the future. You're on like a speed dating, the girl's six or cross me. She goes, I've been having horrible visions from God, but we can talk about something else sexy instead. In 2017, a building will collapse in Brazil. And the world will never forget.

You're like peeling the label off your lone star. She's just having a normal conversation. Her eyes glaze over. In 2036, there will be a nuclear bomb that goes off in Argentina. Well, they'll never figure out who did it. It'll kill 25,000 people. So you were saying you work in podcasting?

All Chinese people will become black by the year 3000. No one knows why. Senegal will obtain full control over Asia. No one ever finds out why. Acon is going to take over Asia with Acon City. He'll be 1,000. years old. Okay, guys, welcome to Brooklyn Speed Dating. My name is Mickey. You guys know me. I do the open mics here on Sundays. Tonight's theme is just going to be openness. So instead of the small talk,

why don't you try getting a little deeper, you know, maybe don't overshare, right? But just be a little bit honest, you know, maybe start with something, memory from your childhood, right? So we always, you guys know how this goes. We always try something new here at Brooklyn Speed Dating at Joe's Tavern. So go ahead and partner up with your first gal. And we'll get this thing going. Okay, everybody, you've got three minutes. So timer starts now. Hey, hey, my name's Jake.

I just moved here to do stand-up. And I guess maybe something deep about me. My parents divorced when I was really young. It kind of changed the trajectory of my life, you know. What about you? I like to wear pink pants. And my favorite shirt is gray. And by the year 2010,

the only global economy will be based on Madagascar reboots. All jobs will be key grips, and PA's and animators, everything on the new Madagascar movies. Everything else that's all out the window. They needed key grips on the set of Madagascar. To show Alex the lion and everybody doing their tricks. They needed best boys on the set of Madagascar.

Yeah, they didn't. There was a lot of makeup involved. To make the penguins look so real. Also, did you say 2010? I'm sorry. 2010. Okay. Okay, well, that is really interesting.

Wow. What time did your parents divorce? What time a day was it? I think it was late at night. They were having an argument at night. I think that's when they called it. Maybe like two. Yeah, they were sleepy. They probably should. Good night. I'm sleepy. Let's divorce. Let's divorce. Good night. Let's divorce. I'm sleepy.

Good night. Let's divorce. I love you. Good night. I love you. I'm sleepy. Let's divorce. Good night. I'm so sleepy. Let's divorce. I love you. Good night. I'm going to divorce you.

Good night. I love you. Let's divorce. Good night. Fuck. Oh, God, damn it. Wow. Ain't that something?

Good night, babe. I love you. Good night. I'm going to divorce you. I love you. I love kissing and divorcing you. I love kissing and divorcing you. I made you cookies.

I'm divorcing you. Did you enjoy your golf trip? Good night. I love you. I'm divorcing you. Probably how it happens for some guys. Just like, you know. Good night.

I'm leaving you in the morning. I think when my mom was like, you got to get out of here. I was like, no, I think I'll stay. That's pretty funny. Just getting your bluff called like that. It's got to be crazy. She's like, get out of here.

I'm done with you. My dad was like, nah. Names on the mortgage. So. I think he learned from the TV and movies that men are like, you know, they go to the hotel or something, or they, like, moving with their buddy. My dad was like, yeah, yeah, I ain't no good,

but name is kind of on a deed. So I was just like, damn. It's cold as hell. I've had enough of you. You're no good. We're doing this for 20 years. Finish with you. You need to move out.

My dad was like, yeah, yeah, I mean, all that. You ain't wrong. And I probably should, you know, I probably should make a change or something. But I mean, as far as moving goes, I mean, it's when you pull up the deed, out of the file cabinet that says it says David on there don't don't say

Stace I just was like fuck that's that's badass it wasn't badass at all it's no good don't be a bad husband and then when your wife tries to make you leave

just call just pull out the ace in the hole and say this is my house I can't kick me out of my don't do that don't let your goodbye I'm divorcing you don't let it get to that point

but you should love and cherish your wife You can't divorce me Good night, I'm not leaving the house I live here Good night, the house is in my name I'm a horrible husband I'm a monster Good night, I don't love you with the kids

But it's my house Good night, you're gonna have to move into a one-bedroom apartment Even though I'm the bad guy Oh fuck Good night, welcome to being a woman Good night Why did you stay in the first place Why

When our first son was born I was in strip club Why did you stay Good night I'm not leaving I love you Good night Good night

It's my house Our two sons are never going to be the same Good night It's my house good night i have schizophrenia he's kissing his hands my mom's been gone for like six months good night i'm not leaving i win good night

just kissing a beer bottle good night my name's David and i'm schizophrenia it's my house I'm gonna uh I'll be dead soon good night good night i'm dead I'm going to be dead in 10 years more.

This is your job now. Talking to his hand. What year is it? It was 2012. Okay, I'll be dead in 10 years. Good night. I love you. Saying that during your argument will be so funny.

Okay. I'll be dead in 10 years. Very specific. July 3rd, 2020. Yeah, I'm going to call it. Good night. I love you. You know, I hate Independence.

Day. Yeah. Dude, he just reminded me. I was in the Velve last night. I was doing a spot, and Pat was like, oh, my birthday's on July 4th.

There was just two girls there, two comedians, and they were celebrating their birthday, and they started off at the Velve because they drink for free there, whatever, their comics. Anyway, I was like, oh, your birthday's on July 4th?

He was like, yeah, I was like, my dad killed himself the night of July 3rd. We think he died on the 4th. And Pat was like, and then just went to making drinks for other customers like at the bar. He just like turned.

He just was like, oh, like turned away. I don't know why I did that. I mean, you've seen me do shit like that. I wouldn't even drunk though. So I was just like, I was like, oh, that's a day. It is funny. I mean, to make it other people's problem is objectively funny. It's hilarious.

It's very, it's one of the other things. And you, at least you should get to do that. I think so for at least another year. I think I want to stop doing it soon. But I think maybe I get another year. It makes me laugh when you do it. It makes me laugh when you do it to people because they're not expecting it and I get to see it in real time. Because I can sense when you're about to bring it up and then you do and I go, hell yeah, there we go. No, man, I got to stop, dude.

I think I scared Tommy Bayer pretty bad. I think I scared a couple people that night, but that's okay. Oh, man, it was cool. We all ate a bunch of pizza. Sometimes you scare Tommy Bear and Hudson, Freeman and then you let your phone die and you walk into the fucking cool winter night in Brooklyn

with 1% on your phone dude Sam's the goat Sam Sam is awesome our friend who will that'll be the only yeah he doesn't

never mind he's going on the show like 12 times yeah but I don't he doesn't do his last name online oh that's right yeah yeah yeah that's right anyway Yeah, I think a thing that I would like to do is Does not do that anymore

There's something I've been thinking about Here's one invention that I've been thinking about If anybody has a lot of money And I understands quantum physics If you could invent Like a Jet Lee style collar But it's not It doesn't like shock me or anything

Or keep me from moving around It just teleports me back to my apartment When I When my Lee collar Yeah, like from Unleashed The movie Unleashed I thought you're It shucks you and you go

Oh No Wow Wow You bow every time Oh No If my blood alcohol content

Gets to like point Zero Call it Call it Call it 09 Like right above No it can't drive

And then I I say You know my dad I teleports me right back Into my bed completely showered, teeth brushed, hair brushed. I got my shit on my face, and I'm ready to sleep.

And I've taken my meds. Dude, I don't care where I'm at. I could be middle of a show. Nah, not middle of a show. I'm going to add stipulations to the collar. If you guys know about quantum physics and teleporting, please hit my line. My invention to stop myself from getting drunk

and talking about my dad is the stipulations are, the parameters need to set. I should be able to finish each stand-up show. But the moment, I have about three beers, four beers, find five, six. Once you get to seven beers, then the collar clicks on it turns orange. I'm allowed to hang out. I can talk about anything else. I can talk about my mom.

I can talk about Astro World. I can talk about books. But the moment you go, ah, it reminds me my dad. I blink and I'm literally in bed in pajamas. Even if I'm in New York or Philadelphia, Chicago, wherever we're doing this, I'm back home in Texas. just teleports me like 800 miles back home canceled the rest of the hotels whatever it's already paid for he's back in bed and that's the only way i would learn a shot collar probably wouldn't work too good um because uh probably just get hard yeah probably would calm a bunch but uh

no just kidding man i i did this thing called shot collar comedy at creek one time and uh they uh i kind of fucked the whole bit up um and this isn't me because being like, I can withstand the pain that a dog can withstand. It just wasn't strong enough. And so if you started the bomb, the collar would shock you to tell you to switch jokes. But I couldn't really, like, it wasn't registering to me. And I was like, you're going to turn that shit up. And so they had it on, like, the highest setting.

And it was kind of annoying, but I was like, I'm not bombing. Y'all are just shocking me because I'm a sexy-ass white boy with a heart of gold and the fucking son on his back. Anyway, it was hosted by a British guy who's big and fat. And his name is British John. and I hate him very much and he fucking sucks my nuts and British Johnny if you ever listen to this don't ever come back to Texas

or I'll fucking cook you but yeah like a shot collar that just sends me home anytime I bring my dad up that'd be good What is he like you are wretched mate You were rotten He goes He asked me how long I've been doing stand-up

And I said oh well I guess I started around 18 He goes I didn't ask for your life story And I was like I wasn't going to give you, I wasn't going to give you the life story. I just was going to say I started at 18, but. I wasn't to act like a foreman for, right? For stander.

Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, he was a cocksucker. He sucked. He's one of those guys that's like, he hosts a show where nine people come up, like nine audience members, right? And then you're like in the green room with him, and he's like, yeah, I get DMs all the time, man. I get DMs from like, you know, big, big guys trying to get on this show.

And you're like the Tuesday 11 p.m. show? The, you know, big mic and friends, okay. Yeah, I turned down Thompson Grore the other day. I said, sorry, I've got stinky Peter coming on. I've got, I've got an Israeli. The thing with all those guys is if one remotely famous person asked to be on their show, they would kick everyone else off of the show. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's a, that's a, you just, I get bumped sometimes when, like, somebody shows up. It's just, you know, it happens. It hasn't been happening too much lately, which I take as a sign of, I'm a respect. But it still does happen from time to time. It is, back in the day when you get, dude, I just, one of my favorite memories of anything we've done wasn't even one of our shows. it was that fucking cursed mic that we that 200 person open mic that we got bumped to the last three in the morning we're like let's get some reps in man yeah we were we signed up early we were like yeah let's get some reps in and and i thought we had a hookup because the girl that

ran that mike was the bartender at lincoln and we had already done lincoln before and i knew the lady so i was like oh i'm 12th thomas is 14th we'll get the we'll get the we'll get this fiber in and then we could go hit the bars. Yeah, also, and they were like, I mean, there's nothing personal right, but they were like, oh, by the way, like, we like to put like people who were like underprivileged or people in color or whatever. We like to put first.

And then it was just like white people with bad outfits on. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there were a couple of black people, which that's cool. But it was like, everybody was just dressed like no, No disrespect, but there's a bunch of people dressed like Sarah Squirm. Yeah. It's like, are you guys disabled or something? Like, do you have hearing aids or something?

Are you just fucking wearing big pants? A bunch of people dress like Beetlejuice and you're like, are you gay? I don't think bisexual people should get you. Fuck it. Okay. Like, you're biased. Put a trans person in front of me. Don't put a bisexual person, a bisexual white

girl in front of me. Don't, let's be real. Let's be real. Let's keep it a hundred stack. Do not put a bisexual white man in front of me. Don't be doing that. Don't be bisexual white girl. Fine. I'll say it.

Rich gay white guy. Nope. Put him in the back. Have similar levels of privilege. Yeah, rich gay guy. A gay guy can make enough more money than I do to be in a higher position of life. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be much more money than I make.

My homeboy, uh, fucking Pendejo time universe, rich gay Zach. Rich gay, I've joked about it with you. His life is worth much more than mine. Yeah, yeah. Rich gay Zach is living a dream. Right. He just happens to fuck guys.

Hey, go ahead. Go ahead of me. Yeah. Poor gay. Impoverished gay black guy. But we got to come up with sort of, I like the idea of kind of almost like an NBA 2K type rating for

how kind of a spectrum. Careful. I know what you're saying and I agree. Let's fucking, let's walk it out. If we get the lack of a better term, you know, back of the bus type of deal. We get the blackest, most disabled, queerest people. And they're at the top.

They get to do the first to save, you know. We're talking breathing. If we could get a trans woman who got almost entirely blown up in Iraq up there. She can do the first. She's going first every time. But if she was. white would she go ahead of a non-blown-up

black trans woman okay not okay here it is non-blown-up black trans woman but she has an oxygen tank and she's fat versus white oxygen tank is disability but she's not blown up right not blown up but that is still disability you know I'd say

some people be wearing oxygen tank you know what I would say go by last name at that point yeah we're going alphabetical order go alphabetical order if you have to yeah that was shit was so funny I remember but you know what it was still cool vibes in there

I like the I love that bar I liked it and I didn't want to I didn't want to call out the a mic or venue or anything because I had it was still a good time it is just

it is funny to do a mic at three in the morning when you um you have a sold out show when you're past age of like 21 honestly it's just funny to still be there at three in the morning

and then and then you go up and you know do like three minutes Yeah, yeah. And you're drunk as fuck. I can't mean. By then, yeah. You would be there for five hours. Because they had those THC seltzers too.

That's what I love about Chicago is you can get fucking scared as hell. Dude, every time we've done shows in Chicago, which has been three times now, it's my favorite city that's stand up in. And we love it guys very much. I'll be in the green room before Thomas goes up before me. And before we've entered the green room, Thomas has had one. weed seltzer and then in the green room you also you drink them in kind of

a panicked hurry that is something else is that you kind of drink them very fast past a certain point and then you kind of get like a little manic and then and then later on you just seem very terrified which is fine because what I do is

I drink about 900 billion thousand beers and then I take medication that I don't you know you're not supposed to drink on it you take sleep meds and then I just you I just start teleporting around Chicago. What I've started doing is I'll throw a little bit of caffeine into the mix with that. That sounds horrifying.

And it gets me this bizarre thoughts racing, nervous, but weirdly confident thing. Yeah, yeah. And I did really well the other day with it, but I did my whole set almost pretty much as Cat Williams. Oh, yeah. Not doing a Cat Williams impression. but his cadence and there were times where I was referring to myself as a black person there were times where I used the phrase my black ass you know and and and I am you know aware that that probably won't work in every room in fact I don't know why it worked in that one

um was this funny moms it was funny mom that's exactly why that's exactly why No, but Funny Moms now is not, like, Adam Freeland's newer audience is not the same audience at all. Like when I did it? Definitely. I mean, it's some of the same guys, but it's a lot of, like, couples. I would say the audience is like 40% women.

I guess I think is a better audience, but. Yeah, I guess that makes sense, because when we did Adam Friedland show and when I did Funny Moms, Nick was still on the show and it was still kind of like It was Comtown without stov And so I guess now it is more of like And that would make sense

People bring up the Adam Friedland show to me now that I'm just like Oh Yeah yeah like they bring it up and I wouldn't expect him to know about it But then I have to remember like he's doing a different thing So of course he was in Q and the clips The clips do well now I think and and And everybody just The only people only really watch clips

And check off and and listen to like three songs. Plantation rock. Yeah, like, no, I mean, like people listen to like songs from short form content and they, the shows that they watch are just 30 seconds at a time. Yeah, yeah, yes. And nobody really cares that much about anything at all. Anything for the most part.

Dude, do you remember when Pink Panther's, everybody, everybody, everybody was mad at her because she was like I only listen to singles I don't listen to albums there's no point in making an album nobody's listening and I remember hearing that and I was like ooh that's an ugly take some the best albums

let me let me list you the best albums you dumb young successful rapper Siamese dream lonesome crowded West are you listening pretty hate machine and then I realized where she was coming from her generation it's nothing against It's just singles are

You drop one big at one fucking banger Like every month or two You don't really invest a year Into making a whole shit It's not worth it I've told my bandmates I was like we should just do EP's Man I was looking at

Well we were looking at going to a fake mink Concert He's awesome I mean I don't know if he's a good guy But I like fake mink a lot I don't know anything about his personal life Not really my business But

Yeah Dude, it was like, it's like a hundred bucks a person. I'm like, does he have, he has like, what, one or two albums out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, like, when he's not... When I think, when I think, I mean, I know it's like, you know, I know concerts are just more expensive now with all the service fees and everything. Yeah, ticket master owns everything, yeah.

But like, when I think of a concert that I'm paying, say, $250 for two people to go to, I'm thinking, like, somebody who has, like, five albums. Steely Dan. You're like, I'm going to go see the, fucking. fucking. Steely Dan definitely would be more, I think, but like, radio head, fuck it. You know what I mean? Even like if Sturgle Simpson does, he does like a metamodern reader or something like that.

I'm like, that's how much it costs to go see him roughly, you know what I mean? I'm like, oh man, that is a lot. But then I'm like, okay, he has like fucking eight albums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's been a musician for like, you know, 15 years or whatever. I mean longer than that. but I don't fucking know. I went to see the 25th year anniversary

of Lonesome Credit West, Modest Mouse, they played the whole album. Dude, like front pit tickets were like $40. And I was like, I would have paid, I don't know who your manager is, Mr. Isaac Brock, Modus Mouse. I would have paid way more for this.

I'm glad it's very cheap and maybe you priced it to be cheap for your fans. But I also don't know if he has a money guy because he notoriously gets a bunch of money. and literally just spends it all on beer. Like, it's like, it's one of my favorite musicians of all time, dude. He does exactly what you and I do, and he's part of one of the greatest rock bands of all time. As far as I can tell from interviews and, like, stories of people that I know that have interacted with him,

but he's like, he just gets like a million dollars from doing a Nissan commercial, and then he's like, he'll buy like a couple sheep, but then, like, he literally just drinks, he just drinks beer, just a bunch of beer. He drinks like $8 million worth of beer in two years. Like he'll have, he has the same house. I think he recently sold it, but he like lived in the same house for a long time, like for like 10 years, like never upgraded, never really bought any like cool toys or cars or anything.

Just has a really cool vinyl collection, which he spends his money on. He's, as is his right. But it's funny to be like, like something that you and me would do with the podcast money, but you're the frontman for Modest Mouse. He's like, yeah, I bought a couple records I like. I bought a saddle. don't even have a horse

and then I bought 500,000 beers for the course of 18 months so that's pretty much where that's where the money went just that's just kind of where it goes you know what I mean it's really sick I respect it I mean I would rather

that's what I want my artists doing I don't want them doing fucking sarahc commercials and like yeah dude being on the yachts and yeah and you know

oh yeah I'm I just got back from my beef It was magical I'm trying to imagine Isaac Brock in like Marbella Spain He's just like What hap It's just like

Fucking completely fat as fuck Like insane dude from Washington I do think I think some Some I know of some people Who are moving To like Spain and shit

I think just to get away From stuff that's going on here I yeah I do respect moving I respect moving to another country and then being normal over there, like living a simple life. Yeah.

I don't really respect moving to another country and trying to make your own little America there. Yeah, fuck that. Don't be doing anything of that shit. But if you want to go live in, you know, you want to go live in Spain and drink coffee with a bunch of guys

who can't get jobs or whatever, Because they sleep all day. Yeah, then that's cool with me. I mean, I feel spiritually Spanish at times where I feel like I'm supposed to be just kind of like on a farm, but not doing work there. That's really funny you say that because I was like having this thought. He tins the stables, but there's like not any horses or cows. I was thinking about it. It was like percolating in my head as a potential bit, but I was like my European like jeans are like,

I was not meant to come to America with this Protestant work at work at the I was meant to like I was meant to herd sheep from 6 a.m. to about 9.30 a.m. and then sleep until about 6 p.m. I wake up every day early as fuck. I was I was born to work in a harsh conditions, but for about two and a half hours, max three. And then from about nine in the morning till six sleep and then go to the pub and then go to the L house. That was that's literally all of my. or the winery, whatever. Everybody and I did my 23 and me, I look back, that was, it's all siesta countries. I'm not Spanish in any way, but I have a little bit of French and a lot of Scandinavian or some Scandinavian, which they don't have siestas, but they just, they're like, I'm done working. And then they just like, go home, which is sick as fuck. It's the same thing as a siesta, basically. And then I come My family goes over to America in the 1600s

For whatever the fuck reason And then they're like My genes are still like I think I'm tired midday It's noon You've been working very hard for three hours You know what sounds incredible A seven hour nap

Followed by a lot of alcohol Bread and cheese And potatoes Doesn't that sound incredible And then I can't do that Good Dude, it is funny to think of you and me, like, you know, nobody, we haven't evolved, nobody's evolved, humans haven't evolved in, you know, whatever, how many years, like, our ancestors from a thousand

years ago that were just kind of like moving, just moving big animals into smaller cages, like as it poured down rain, like, same minds, same everything, nothing, everybody's just the same. You know, for the most part, like people say, oh, phones and attention spans, yes, there's adaptations, but in terms of like guys same guy just just hitting a cow with like kind of a switch like a piece of switch grass getting him into a fucking log paddock that you just built

come on now speaking of fucked up language it's just like an old dead one barbby balerby Be by, ba'a. Dargy, jargy, jargy, jargy. Your wife's calling

from the hut. Largy barley. Bargerido. Ah, sorry, but, ah, the inside of your head, you're just thinking about a monkey playing guitar. Same thing as now. It's just, you're just walking the, like, your landlord's land against the medieval.

It's just walking the quarter mile up to shitty cobblestone path to your fucking flooded house. flagger boge but not a blah fuck on wife

you're walking to the pub the wife's chasing you guys oh lair me la barb my wife is just all tits disgusting face

the thinnest the thinnest legs you've ever seen just keep a huge blamble ah blamble libber get to the pub

i la bach my head time time town so so on. Bah-ha, bengie. It's crazy to think of my ancestors being like living in just a shitty world

and being like, man, I need to have a 18 kids. A literate children. Same, dude. I'm the, dude, my mom. I live in amazing conditions, honestly. I don't know.

Maybe, maybe Largy. Balagie. Balamba. Yeah, Blasectomy. Yeah, I, I think about that when I get in my head about like oh the state of the world

or whatever and it's like my this this inner voice will go your your great grandfather had 11 children and then my prefrontal cortex will go your great grandfather had 11 children

four of them died and then he neglected the other seven because they were mostly used for farm labor like that's kind of that was pretty much what that was so it wasn't so much like oh i'm going to have a bunch of children because i love children it's that up until i think like 1955 i think my great granddad was technically a subsistence

farmer still i can think i got that i could share cropper i don't fucking know he uh i think the only reason he had any money outside of that was the he went to the korean war and then got like some kind of money or some shit but yeah it i think about that all the time especially i told I went back and followed my family tree and my great-grandfather's dad, they had 14 kids with the same woman in late 1800s. Can you have met

dude, I know we've just really been toying with the idea of what a good man is for the last like, I don't know, 60, 70 years, really? Because before 1900, a good, like, there was no such thing as a good father. It was just a guy that knocked you up a bunch and like threw the kids down the stairs

and fucking just killed everybody sometimes or maybe he was kind of nice. But, dude, cranking out 14 human beings. But before you have, this is in the deep south. So we didn't really have electricity. It's not a lot of going out there. The same woman. I can't imagine what that woman was,

how much hatred she must have held quietly in her heart. You know what I mean? Like, just how much is contempt. Because the age difference, I saw that too. Not awesome. Maybe she's like getting that, getting that cat beat down. you ever think about that

I don't I don't I don't because I think I think she was about 14 and I think my great great great great grandfather was about 30 so it's a family

tradition I suppose but um five oh fuck yeah it's so stupid to have that many kids and then not care about any of them.

What the fuck are you doing? Hey, why do you farm? Why do you eat oats? Why must you marry a 14-year-old? Yeah. Under the Baptist convention, one of the first Baptist conventions, I do believe, where one of my great-grandfathers was an old-timey preacher. one of those were he like,

I think they were allowed to hit people. I had an ancestor who was arrested for being a Baptist preacher during the Revolutionary War. Oh, yeah. He was actually bailed out by Patrick Henry. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. For being annoying.

There's any of my Pennsylvania heads, there is a, man, again, this is another one of those cosmic things that, like, I should be a fail son. I should be in Marbe. or Miami just fucking having heart palpitations from fucking training cocaine. There's an unincorporated community in Pennsylvania called Hayden Town. My middle name is Hayden. So that comes from my great to the eighth power grandfather,

whose father fought the Revolutionary War and got some land. And he was processing steel in Hayden Town and producing more steel at that time than Pittsburgh was. This was Yeah And this was One of the richest motherfuckers of all time He fucked the goddamn

Game up Fucked it all up Because he got in business With like Back then you know You've seen You've seen There will be blood

Back then If you were like Even mildly charming Everybody was Even the richest guys Were the dumbest guys of all time You could be a con man And there was no

There wasn't even like It was very rudimentary So you could be like Hey I've got a great business idea If you could give me like I don't know 15, 20 ingots of gold and a bunch of U.S. bonds.

I'll be right back from Georgia. I'll come back. My dumb-ass ancestor just bankrupted himself on, like, his whole town. Hayden Town's still there, but it's mostly just like, it's an unincorporated community, like 100 people live there.

It's just straight tweakers and fucking, but that's like, like my middle name is, that's the name of the guy, John Hayden. He was the guy to start of the town. Both of my family can be traced back to pre-revolutionary war.

Actually, my dad's family got here from Germany in like the 1770, 1780s, but my mom's side's been here since fucking like the 1600s. Yeah, they came over as white slaves. Actually, dude,

they didn't. They came over as fucking I think one of them was a tobacco farmer. That's cool that your ancestor got bailed up by Patrick Henry. My I

apparently one of the, apparently one of my like super close to say, maybe I'll get bailed out by Mike Racine

someday. Yeah. That'll be my quote. Zoran bails you out. It's like, I got you man. I got you on this one. Don't worry about it.

Podcaster's Creed. Yeah. He would say, yeah. Yeah. He would say, dude, you didn't fucking make an endorsement video for me.

don't count on it dude I can see that you forgot to register to vote and then just never said anything about it I know he hit one of his greatest concerns right now is Pendejo Time podcast Right right Yeah yeah

It's kind of cool that there's only like two degrees A separation between us and the president I guess in that way Because I know guys that know Zoran And then Zoran met Trump And then Trump met uh, Queen Elizabeth and Queen Elizabeth.

Uh, I don't think Queen Elizabeth. Did she ever meet Hitler? How many degrees of separation between us and Hitler? Uh, maybe not enough to count. I don't know. If you're listening to this, that means that you're fucking awesome.

And you can get, you've done, you've done it. You've done the thing that nobody said you could do, which is listen to an hour and 13 minutes. The most incredible podcast in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I really don't like to push it too much

because I feel bad because we already make But we are like 19 subs away from a thousand subscribers And that's a milestone for us I'm pretty sure we made some kind of pact where I have to fight Thomas at a thousand subscribers That's if we That's at $5,000 Oh, okay well That's what we would hit if we

I think if we got that Well then no not everybody's a Some people are the $1 too that's okay Yeah, which it's fine if you are That's fine if you are I think it would probably be best if we don't fight I feel like it would be a weird ego thing after that Like

I'm not going to fight you would win first of all because i've just been looking at my phone for about 15 years so i'm not really going to pretend that i am good at fighting but uh it would be jake who has been training to fight for the last five whole adult life than me i've just been hurting myself a different way it's in blood a different way yeah no we never did it the only one that we did was we went to the which by the way i think it fucked up for those of you don't know patreon used to have this like thing where oh if you hit this goal the creators will do x y or z well our first goal was a hundred subs which you never thought we'd hit so we were like well jac and thomas will go on a

zoo date well thomas was in austin for that weekend and we went to the most depressing zoo in the whole world which i later found out also uh was getting shut down by like several of monkeys but all the animals were trying to like break out and stuff killed themselves the lion the lion that was just like pacing. It's just pacing and like crying. Yeah. They had him in a fucking IKEA

and crazy or whatever. They had the giraffes in like a like an eight foot shed. They had their neck craned. I was like, what is this? It's like a, the monkeys were living in like fucking,

the monkeys were living in the cages from the pirates to the Caribbean. It was like the wrought iron bars. Yeah. When they like slip a gold coin through. And they were making human facial expressions that it's like pretty fucked up, right?

Help. Also, do you remember when we got to the bird zone and they just had full grown peacocks and like just huge ass fucked up birds just and not caged. They were just walking around the gift shop. I was like, hold on a goddamn minute. And then I go over there and there was like 18 big ass fucking birds. I forget what different types.

There was no cassowaries over there. They would have killed us dead. But I remember thinking one of them was a cassowary, but I think it was just a big ass emu. He was a cave. Kessleries evil by nature. Kessiwheres are very, they're like the most dangerous bird of all time. They have talons and their legs are very, very strong and they're known to gut people in the wild pretty frequently.

Not super frequently, but they're very, very dangerous bird. They have, I think, like, it's like a foot-long claw talon thing that's like razor sharp that they use to, like, crack open different types of fruit. Yeah, so I'm just right off the bed, I will say this is something that definitely could not really affect me. That thing will kill you. It kills guys all the time. would not kill me. A cassowary would fuck your shit straight up.

Catero would not kill me. Bro. He would heavily injure me. It would not kill me. Cassowary death. I would simply jump on its back. I would take the back rear naked choke. Easy.

Hold on a goddamn minute. All right. I may be exaggerated quite a bit. Casabary injuries are common, but human-related deaths are extremely rare. So you're right, Thomas. He would fuck the shit. Well, no. Last fatal attack, 2019.

75-year-old man. A 75 year old man Now the most likely thing it would do is probably Cut my femoral artery in my leg And then kill me That is a way it would kill me If it did that But I could probably get a good

Get a good jab in at least I feel like even a jab From me to a bird I think I can kill any bird with a jab I was put it like that Maybe not an ostrich The thumbnail I'm looking at Thomas is a guy with a riot shield

and he's letting a cassowary run and jump at him at full speed. Yeah, I didn't see that. That's what I said. It could definitely hurt me. And if it did that to my leg, that would kill my leg for sure. My leg would be killed, but I would live. Yeah, my leg would definitely be killed from that. If your femoral artery

and your leg is completely sliced open, that could lead to your leg bleeding out. I remember when I found out about the femoral artery from Dexter and how quickly you bleed out from it and I was very scared I was skateboarding a lot at the time

I was a very young kid and I was like I would like go to try to do the little handrails and I would imagine my ephemeral artery getting cut on the handrail and then I'm just bleeding out in front of a McDonald's in downtown Houston

while my friends just like text on their razors and I'm just like I'm cold and the concrete is hot my brother's texting me very frantic saying that he's balding

and it doesn't run in the family and it's another thing in his life that he was like another awesome thing I just literally saw the text another awesome thing in my life that I've done with I got the M-shaped hairline and I'm balding up top don't even run in the family shit's fucked

it's like six texts like six messages dude that just came in brother Jaden I know you listen to the show you're not balding you literally do this every three months where you like look at you it's a common male insecurity I'm gonna have to call him after this

You're not balding, dude. You're just, we've got fucked up hairlines. It's nobody's going. And if you're listening to this and you think you're balding, no, you're not. Nope, you're not. And if you're bald, that's fine. If you're bald, you're not actually bald. Grow back.

You know what I'm really scared of? I'll tell you this. The reason I'm scared of growing bald is that I don't grow any hair on my face and my eyebrows are very thin. Can you imagine, Thomas, if I was literally smooth, bald, how sick. I would look sick. Not cool. I would look like I. There's a guy.

I work around who has a similar head shape to you and his here's the thing and this is going to sound crazy you have to shave the eyebrows too you have to shave the eyebrows and you have to get really big

hoop earrings because that's what this guy did and I don't know how but he looks sick as fuck like an alien I gotta look like Austin Butler and Dune is that what you're like? I think he also tans oh okay well I'm pale

I'm literally like, you have to start spray tanning. It just look like your head and eyebrows. You're telling me to get like Mr. Clean, dude. You're saying I have. Literally get like Mr. Clean, but he's fat too. Get fat. No. Get fat as fuck. Get fat. Get fat.

Get fat and bald. Now. I'm telling you dude, it's going to look cool, but you got to get to like 320. With your height, you're going to have to get real fat. You have to get real big, son. Yeah. All that confidence you've been getting from the lost weight.

We're going to lose that real quick, and you're going to shave your eyebrows off. We're going to make you look up. And this hair that took you a year and a half, we're cutting that off, and then no hair, no eyebrows. We're going to use it to nair your shit until it's off.

And we're going to get you lit filler. And a bunch of Botox. Your face can be paralyzed. You won't feel like yourself at all. Oh, my God, dude, fuck. Telling me. And we're going to give you AIDS. Telling me.

Hey, look, man, I work with this guy. Don't worries. He's got the same head shape as you, no facial hair. He's completely bald-bushabed, eyebrows. And in the ring, he looks awesome. I don't believe he. He does, man. He does.

I've never talked to him at all. I don't even know his name. I don't really work with him, to be honest. He's just, there's construction going on in the building, so I see him because he works construction. He's so sick. I've never talked to him, and I don't know. He's so sick. He could be a rapist.

I don't know. I don't think he is, though. He doesn't have that. kind of energy. He hasn't burned. Zin-like, wholesome alien energy. I got a... This could just be an alien that I've been seeing, honestly.

That would not be... Out of the question. Dude, I've been seeing this alien who looks just like you lately. You need to look more like him. There's an... I do. I work with this alien. This brown alien. Is I work with this bald brown alien? He looks just like you, dude.

He just looks just like. like you except for short, bald, and no eyebrows and big earrings. And fat. And fat. You know how you look like none of those things? Yeah, he looks exactly like you. Yeah, he looks just like you did. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, uh, sorry. My brother, he, dude, my brother's calling my phone. I really, I think I need to help my little baby brother out, dude. He's fucking sent me like, he's calling me. Oh, man. Um, if you're listening to this, uh, and you, And you believe in the show. And hey, if you've just, I know a lot of, there's not a lot of extra money going

around. You want to help us reach a milestone for the show. Go to patreon.com slash Pendeo Time. Tosses. You can just a buck a month. Just a buck a month. Get you access to the Discord, but not any of the bonus episodes. Five bucks a month gets you access to a backlog of over 300 audio episodes plus Discord

access. And then 10 bucks a month gets you access to an entire backlog of premium video episodes going back four years. I usually am supposed to be doing two. A month, I have missed March. I uploaded some in February because people were bailing on me for South by, and then all of a sudden now people are like, let me come on the show. So I have to schedule those.

I'm really sorry. Thank you guys for being patient on that. But yeah, subscribe to the show. April 28th, if you are in Houston, Texas, if you're a Houston motherfucker, April 28th, Nope. If you're in Austin, April 20, if you're a Austin motherfucker, come to the creek in the cave because me and the Lemon Party boys, Ben Avery, Devin Costa, Connor Mick, motherfucking nut, and Jace Avery, we'll be doing stand-up and live podcasting for your pleasure. Tickets are going to go very fast for that. It's probably already or close to sold out, so get your tickets atlimmonparty.

If you are a Houston motherfucker, May 1st, same thing, I will be with the boys, lemon party.com, get tickets to see that shows. As far as I understand. in from Benny Boy. They are close to selling out. So please get them if you want to hang out with me and the boys from the other show that some people also listen to. Thomas, you got anything to plug?

No, but check out Jake's ish. And I basically keep rocking in the free world. And if you guys have any problems, let us know. And we will tend to them. Yeah, well, we work for you guys now. We work for you. and let us know any ways to help incorporate AI into our show

and get more streamlined and amazing show and if there's any startup ideas you guys have if you guys need money for anything you guys need to borrow money from either of us let us know we will end it to you goodbye we're quitting the show goodbye the show's over goodbye we're quitting the show we're done goodbye goodbye I hate the show I hate I'm a girl and I hate comedy a podcasting and I hate the show and it's over.

Bye. I have a girl with a poon tang. I hate it. And the show's over. I got to go get it fixed. And I hate the show and I want a divorce. Good night. Bye.