Pendejo Time - guylenol he him

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

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Welcome with my friend Thomas to Pendejo time. I don't want to do the singing thing. Okay, that's fine. You seem a little sad, brother. What's going on? You need to talk about something, man? I'm just filled with despair, dude. You're filled with despair? Despair tire? What's going on, brother brother i'm sorry i said that yeah i was fucking stupid oh nothing i was just decided i was being angsty i'm just tired i uh i i took a nap and i it's one of those naps where you're like three quarters of the way to

sleep the whole time and then you wake up and you're like i guess i can see now. I lately, like if I wake up on accident early, I'll like go to the gym. But I'll set my alarm at 6 to go to the gym at like 6.30. Doesn't work. But if I wake up on accident, usually it's because I almost piss my pants. Lately, I have dreams where I take the most glorious piss on planet Earth in the toilet. And it's a very realistic, like I, like my dream is I got out of bed in my apartment to go pee. And it is just the most fucking, and then I'll wake up and I feel urine at the tip of my penis. I'm fucking, I'm not, I'm not drinking really. Like I'm

drinking a beer right now, but I'm not like, I'm not fucking pounding liquor, but like the past, like three or four nights, it's like, I, my body is like, hey, you're about to piss your bed sober. So it's not the time to be doing it. You've got about 50 more years where you're just kind of like, oh, shit, I went pee-pee. I hope I hit 32 and start shitting myself in my sleep. That would be cool. in my sleep that would be cool i think that there's a i think you can get so fat that you just like shit yourself like constantly uh which i think would be a good move for you yeah i think that's probably the next next big thing for me it'd be very funny if you like like two years from

now you're just like yeah man you know just having just just having trouble making it to the bathroom you're like 24 25 i'm just having trouble making it to the bathroom i don't think we can do tour this year and i'm like yeah i've just got like a bunch of cat litter boxes around the house and you're like there's human size shits yeah you know they've been having stomach issues they've been eating hot dogs and stuff thomas did you get a lynx or a fucking bobcat you got a fucking mountain lion in here? Oh, fuck. Yeah, I fucking, I went

this morning, and then I just worked out for like two more hours, and I haven't really eaten today just because I was like, I don't know. I was going to make lunch, and I realized that I don't want – I'll spend like $300 on groceries, and I'm like, I hate – I like to cook, but I'm lazy.

So I'm like, what if I just got like 50 chicken wings instead? And it's like, well, you can't do that. It's Wednesday, and it's noon. So, I mean, I guess you could. But I've been having this thing where I'm like trying to be like, I guess, better about like not eating like shit but I get so fucking lazy that I just like I'll eat a cliff bar and then like some hummus and I'm like well okay that'll do my body's like come on man like you're you can't you can't like do like three hours of like cardio

and then just be like can I have half of a Kind Bar and a Dove chocolate and some hummus and some pretzels? Like snacks that you'd eat if you were on like, you know, if you were like smoking weed all day or whatever. Like a jack off day. Yeah. Today I got a pizza delivered while I was at work. a pizza delivered while I was at work and uh thought it was gonna be one of those things where like you get a pizza and like everybody you know everybody kind of equally eats it but uh other people only ate two slices so I ate a good bit of that and then I also got pizza it has this deal where you can get like a two liter of Pepsi for super cheap.

Yeah, that's a classic one, dude. And well, you know, people didn't really drink that much of that either. So I was driving, you know, I was drinking the Pepsi and I dropped the cap under the seat. Okay. And I was like, yeah. So I guess I'll drink. Here we go. So, yeah, I just guess I'll drink the whole motherfucker. Here we go. So, yeah.

I just had two liters of Pepsi. And then I had to work a little bit more after that. I wasn't even on my way home. I was on my way to a different job site. Yeah. I get there and I'm just like, fuck. Yeah. Not even a caffeine rush at all. Just like if I shot up like mud, like from the ground into my neck or something.

I remember being like, I think I was like 12 or 13. And like, I saw one of those like early YouTube videos is like, this is how much sugar is in. Like, and dude, I would drink, I would just drink Dr. Pepper like all fucking day or like off brand. It was like Dr. Shat, like Dr. Thunder. Yeah, yeah, Dr. Thunder. And I didn't, I knew that there was sugar in it, but I didn't know what a gram was until I like started smoking weed and shit. And it was like, I didn't put two and two together until I started like regularly buying weed and I saw some YouTube videos like a two liter of soda has you know like fucking like

300 and something grams of sugar and I was like Grant like the baggies that I buy nugs in it's filled with sugar if I just ate 300 of those and it was disgusting to think about but I continuously like I didn't drink water until I think I was like

20 years old I fucking love dr any any it's one of the only sodas that I think the off-branders get right it is just it I fucking love any Mr. Pibb let's go Mr. Pibb isn't even really an off-brand I don't think it's not it's like a spicy cherry soda yeah so is dr pepper though like that is like the like more i mean there's 23 flavors you know but i think that's yeah but mr pibb is spicier for sure i it is it has got more of a little kick to it but it is funny to think about like being like a grown man and being like well i did i dropped a cap under my seat and i could like at a red light like just reach a little bit or i could drink fucking basically like 14 sodas yeah it was like

410 grams of sugar yeah well how long was how long did it take you to drink the two liter i paced myself it was like probably 10, 15 minutes. Are you serious? Yeah. That is fucking... That's awesome. I recently... I don't mind drinking a two liter of soda if I'm pouring it into a glass

because it makes me feel like... Well, you know, people do this with wine all the time. And if you do it straight out of the bottle, you're an alcoholic. But if you pour it into a glass, it's oh i was just really thirsty yeah but like chugging it like out of the the plastic bottle and you're like sucking the pepsi out so fast it's like suctioning the bottle and like yeah like kinks the bottle up yeah it looks like it's a like a like a whoopee cushion or something the uh the other day me and ashley ordered pizza uh for delivery uh at the

apartment and um i didn't know that you could deliver because every time i would try to deliver here it would say sorry delivery not in your area so i like tweaked the address hoping something would change and it did um and i ordered the. I'm looking at the Domino's tracker and everything, and it's like pizza's in the oven. You know, John checked your fucking pizza. John's fucking, you know, spitting on it, whatever the fuck, making it wet up for you. He's going to fucking slang it to you.

And it stops at the very last one. It was like quality check at like 1045. It's like 1215, and I was just kind of like laying in bed watching TV, and I was like, check at like 10 45 it's like 12 15 and i was just kind of like laying in bed watching tv and i was like did i order a pizza and ashley's like yeah we yeah you did for both of us um and i'm trying to call and i'm just getting like two like you ever try to call your boss and let them let me call it or anybody and they do two rings click like i'm being ignored like the the store like i will hit the main line i'll press for the fucking head of the store and i'll get hung up on fuck it it's a fucking dominoes on a weekend night

i'm not really mad about it but ashley was looking at the reviews of the dominoes by our apartment and they were fucking hilarious one guy was like uh yeah i ordered like four pizzas from here and some like cheese sticks and all this stuff wings for a party uh never showed up they didn't refund me i called so much that i they blocked my number and i'm not allowed to order from that dominoes anymore when they they basically just like right and there's these reviews were pretty much similar it was like i've essentially been robbed and I cannot get a hold of anybody. I've gone up to the store. They won't tell me.

They act like they don't know what I'm talking about. And I was like, all right, well, you know, I probably lost like $22, but I'm going to go up there and see what's up. And I get there, and I'm like, hey, man, I'm not, like, mad. I don't want to – I don't give a fuck. Can I just see where my fucking pizza's at? And he was like like what's your name i was like what he was like what's your name and i was like what's my name he's like oh

i was like i mean dude he was probably like 400 pounds tall just gone i don't know what he was on but his eyes were just like slits he was like what you know what order was you got one like brie i'm like bro i had a fucking meat lovers uh large he was like i did and he like sighs like and he turns around and he turns around like, like he just, I know no one can see what I'm doing, but it was at this speed. Like almost like Chuck E. Cheese band animatronic, like very slow. I was like, did I stumble into like a fucking like SCP like entry here? Like, am I in like an interdimensional? Nobody there seemed like they were like like obviously they're probably just on pills

which makes total fucking sense i've fucking worked at a pizza joint before i know how it goes you get as fucked up as humanly possible when you work for about 10 hours the guy comes back with a pizza it's cold and he's like you want a dipping fucking dipping sauce i'm like uh yeah i guess so he's like all like, all right, a dollar. And I was like, are you fucking serious? I was like, are you fucking serious? Like, we just went through this whole song and dance, and it was like a dollar for a dipping cup? He's like, yeah.

I'm like, all right, man, thanks, I guess. I fucking went home. Pizza was cold. Gave me horrific food poisoning. So I'll probably order from there for the UFC fight this weekend. That's crazy that it only sat out for like seven hours and it went bad well i'm right i was thinking that you know because it's a dominoes in a rough part of town late at night on a weekend that they would

take really good care and they would be very careful i like that they didn't just set it on top of the oven which does keep it warm like indefinitely. No, it was on the rack where they put the boxes that they fold. It was just, you know. Again, it was funny because Ashley was like, are you going to try to get your money back? And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, I don't care about this. And she was like, why? And I was like, listen, when you order from a shitty Domino's past like 8 p.m., it's kind of a gamble that you're going to get your food anyway.

If the food is edible, you win. Like if it's edible and it doesn't make you sick, like in my experience, Domino's, if you order late night, you get it at all, that's fine. I wasn't going to ask for $22 back on a shitty pizza. Just on principle, it's like I don't really care all that much. It's a lot of money to me, but, you know, I took the gamble and I lost. I've gone to Whataburger, eaten it, and then within 10 minutes was deathly ill.

You're supposed to be. That's how you know they did it right. I got food poisoning from this Whataburger next to my house like 11 times. Bro, you took me there. Dude, that fucking, whatever the fuck sandwich that I got. Was it patty melt? No, it was that fucking like Monterey with like the peppers on it. I don't fucking know.

Oh, I got you. Did you get the one with the hatch chilies on it? Yeah, it was like taking fucking bars, dude. I was like, I was like, I was like fucked up, dude. I was like, I was like, all right, we'll go. I was like fucked up, dude. I was like, all right, we got to do it. Where's the battery? We do it a little different here in Fort Worth. If you eat fast food, you will not be able to move for a few hours.

It's like, I mean, I don't know. Like Austin has so many like one-off fast food joints. Like they're just drive-through. You know, they have P. Terry's here. It's like a chain, but. That place is good. I do like P. Terry's, yeah. Pussy Terry's. Mr have P. Terry's here. It's like a chain. That place is good. I do like P. Terry's, yeah. Pussy Terry's.

Mr. Pussy Terry. That's me. Yeah, I like don't, like I don't understand eating something. I don't know why I'm fucking questioning it. I don't know. But like Wendy's, they have like a... Thomas just put a Krispy Kreme. It looks like to be a Krispy Kreme manager's hat?

Manager? No, I bought this in Times Square. Oh, that's pretty sick, dude. Probably somebody's old hat. No, I paid like $25 for this piece of shit. That's a steal and a bargain i've heard yeah uh i went to taco bell today and don't judge anything don't judge the fact that i went to taco bell after drinking a two liter of pepsi right i'm living my own didn't you also eat like six slices of pizza

anyway let's go for lunch yes Also eat like six slices of pizza. Anyway, let's go. For lunch, yes. So I got the $5 chalupa box because I wasn't really hungry. It's a classic choice. It's a classic choice. Usually I get way more than that, but I was like, let's be real, man. You're not that hungry, you know. Dude, they didn't give me a fucking chalupa in the box.

You're fucking with me, dude. No. It was just the twist in the taco? Like the cinnamon twist? Yeah, it was the cinnamon twist, the taco, and the supreme burrito, I think it comes with. Yeah, they didn't give you the chalupa. They didn't give me the chalupa. Now, that place is 30 seconds from my house, and I did not go and ask for the chalupa.

I was just like, I'm not really that hungry. This is kind of the amount of food i wanted yeah and i it was with the drink you know it was like six dollars and fifty cents this is fine yeah um i have uh i have been like i've gone back through the drive-thru or whatever before but it's only been like honestly when, when I was fatter, I would. It did matter to me. I would go through and be like, Hey, I ordered four quarter pounders with my large shake, large iced coffee.

Large fries. Two orders of large fries. Yeah. I only got three quarter pounders with that. Everything else is fine yeah um so could i have that like just avoiding eye contact with right whoever it was because dude the quarter pounders have to do that it has to be one of the easiest food items you can make it's just like like two pickles ketchup yeah. The fucking, dude, those cravings, boxes, deals, box, the $5 box from Taco Bell, they run different cycles.

That motherfucker has held me down for fucking my whole life. There was one time, there was a Taco Bell, when I lived off William Cannon, there was a Taco Bell like literally like two minutes from my house. I lived in South Austin. was a taco bell like literally like two minutes from my house uh i lived south austin and uh dude i i did the math i had like six dollars and like 60 something cents in my account dude it was like and i knew after tax that it was like 622 something like that and uh i was like all right i can afford this like i have like two beers in the, all right, I can afford this. Like, I have, like, two beers in the fridge. I'm good.

I can afford dinner. And I went there, and I ordered the $5 box, and my card gets declined. And I forgot that I had, like, my Netflix and my Spotify come out. And this, like, Mexican, like, cholo teenager was working the drive-thru, and he was like, hey, bro, your card declined. And I was like, oh, man, the money should be in there. Let me check my account. And, like, I checked it. It wasn't in there, and I was like, oh, no, I don't have the money.

I'm sorry. And he was like, you don't have $6? To me, like, very, like, just very, like, you don't have $6? to me like very like like just very like you don't have you don't have six dollars which honestly like respect to him

you know like I can't really talk my shit he's working he's earning his keep I was living off of payday loans at the time

sorry I just realized I forgot to pick up my Adderall I guess yeah I was gonna ask you to stop watching gay porn on your phone like you usually do. Whatever. I'll text you the code thing for it. There's a code?

I mean the pin. Oh, okay. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Yeah, it closes in like 10 minutes. Sorry. You're good. My bad.

yeah I just it closes in like 10 minutes sorry my bad the pharmacy closes in like 9 minutes so I caught myself in a bit of a predicament there but it's gonna be okay it's like 2 minutes from my house so thankfully they always take 75 minutes to find

Adderall which it has to be dude you remember how many people are on Adderall yeah there's always like whenever I've gone to get medicine, there's, like, a 900-year-old motherfucker up front who's, like, his spine's bowed out, and he's just like... Oh, I can't read.

Got, like, 20 minutes before they close. Oh, you're good, man. That was 8.52. No, you're solid. Sorry, I literally took my last half of an Adderall today Got like 20 minutes before they close. Oh, you're good, man. That was 852. No, you're solid. Sorry. I literally took my last half of an Adderall today because I'm bad at refilling prescriptions. And I just knew tomorrow I would have just straight up woken up and just, you know, taken a crowbar to the side of my head. Yeah, no, for sure.

Just let it bang. bang um yeah i it's cool to be like a sober guy who if he doesn't get his uh medicine just like can't read yeah if you don't take your like if you don't microdose speed every day you're completely and totally legally insane i literally it should not like i'm recommended by doctors not to drive. I should take it because I used to, but I literally just can't. I can't do anything STEM, even if it's STEM-y that's prescribed to me. I just raw dog my ADD because if you give me 30 adderall i will do 26 adderall and then the rest like in three days and then see the thing is i don't like being amped up so see i do it's like despite the despite the drug abuse that i have my body is tolerated i don't like being wired like i don't like not being able to sleep um so so for me it's

like even when i was like struggling with like not drinking and shit like that it was like well it's time to take my medicine at the prescribed time that i always take it every day and always have like i've literally i don't think other than like using it to like balance zans or whatever i so i could drive drunk and stuff i don't think, other than using it to balance Zans or whatever, so I could drive drunk and stuff, I don't think I ever abused it. I would never do that. And to me, I was like, that's not abuse. I'm using it for what it was designed for. Right.

I mean, literally, it does help. And if you say, oh, that's bad, it doesn't, you're lying, you're fucking full of shit. I would like, when I would get my script of Adderall, I'd be like, all right, man. I'd do the same thing with my script of klonopin like all right bro so today's a new day it is october 1st and you need to make this last 31 days because you can't call your therapist and say that your car got broken into because you've done that twice this year. And that is an excuse that's running thin, uh, really, really thin. And I would be like, all right, I would take one Adderall

and then I would freak out from the Adderall and I'd take a second one to see if I could even myself out. And I'd be like, oh, well fuck now I'm just high. So I want to get higher. So, so I'd start snorting them and then I would freak fuck out really bad. And I would eat like four Klonopin and I would do that for about four or five days until i was out of my medicine and then like the rest of the three weeks i would be like at work typing something or like bartending and my brain would go maybe like oh that's not good that's fucking you know that's not ideal yeah uh yeah i i don't know. Last year at one point, actually this was like a few months ago,

in December, I just literally like lost my Adderall. I couldn't find it anywhere. It ended up being in a backpack, but I got my doctor to give me like an emergency refill. Like a tenner or whatever, like a bottle of ten? ten no he wrote me a full one because um because like i'm technically the way i'm prescribed it like i should be refilling it every month and i literally refill it every three months because i don't take it as often as i'm prescribed like he knows i'm not really a hazard or anything yeah dude the pharmacies wouldn't refill it because i'd gotten it had been like three weeks

since my last refill and they were like no we can't i'm like it's an emergency refill this is i'm not fucking with you or anything like this is my doctor told me it was fine and they're like yeah uh so the way the system works is like nobody can give it to you and i was like all right well i'm gonna go to walgreens and ask them to give it to me it's a cvs and they're like well they won't do it either i'm like well could you just like as a guy just like be a bro just like give it to me and he was like it's locked i'm like you're the pharmacist and you don't know how to get into the adderall so that's you just you just drive a beamer off CVS salary That makes sense you know I uh

I got emergency refills in my shit But I mean I don't know like people do People do and say all sorts of stuff in their life And they just sort of break the rules at their job I got emergency refills in my clon up all the time Because I had a hack shrink that would Believe anything I told her or was just straight selling me drugs I don't know

But I would get emergency K-pins, quote unquote emergency, all the fucking time because I would be like, you know, going through fucking withdrawals and shit, and she would just write me a script and I would go get them. I would, the same, like, so when I was on, what the fuck was it? Paxil? No, Zoloft.

And the girl I was dating at the time i was like hey uh you know it's like my penis doesn't work on this stuff you know like i can't you can't you can't bust can't bust ropes classic style when you're on the zoft you know you get fucking you can i could uh fuck but i could not you know yeah that was always something I was worried about in high school. I was like, man, this drug that makes me not kill myself. It's really hurting my sex life with all the, you know, it's all the women. I'm getting mad pussy, dude. You know, all the women seeing me sulk around in the same sweatpants for like weeks on end.

Whenever they suck my dick. Yeah, I just have a hard time busting. I remember at one point I was just wearing like Reebok questions with, I had like two like Walmart sweatsuits that I would just like mix and match like nobody would notice. It would be like mix and match. Like nobody would notice. It would be like blue sweatpants, gray sweatshirt. Next day I'm wearing like blue sweatshirt, gray sweatpants.

Next day is just gray sweatshirt. Then like blue, blue sweat sweats. And then like Friday, I just re I just rewear some of it again in some order. Right. And I'd be like, no,

dude, this, I have multiple sweatsuits that I'm... No, they smelled like shit when I bought them. Yeah, it's weird. I don't know. I'm kind of on the horn with Walmart support right now because I've spent thousands of dollars in sweatsuits every week and they're just fucking me.

I don't know. It's a supply chain thing. There was a time when I was 19 or 20, and I was on this high dosage of Zoloft, and, dude, I just could not bust. And in my mind, I was like, yo, you're a straight stud, big dog. You're out here fucking,

and you're fucking hanging. You got it, dude. But it was really like, well, you tried to, you know, you told everybody that you're going to kill yourself, and then, like, you kind of had to go got it dude but it was really like well you tried to you know you told everybody that you're gonna kill yourself and then like you kind of go to the doctor for it and then you know now that's where you're at uh it was very sort of like i tried to like angle it as like yeah you know i'm fucking you know i'm a fucking i'm out here doing fucking brassers rounds. Yeah, I can last so long.

Girls like it when you can last for like six hours. Yeah. They want to get fucked by like the same. They want to get fucked by like a high schooler or like early college student. Because like that's when you're the best at it, really. Yeah, that's when you're the best at it. For like hours on end. Yeah, exactly. It's just like sort of like flick in the clit like it's when you're the best at it really. Yeah. That's when you're like hours on end. Just like, exactly.

It just like, sort of like flick in the clit. Like it's a penny or something. Yeah. Like an Xbox joystick. Fucking. Yeah. Just sort of like making everything hurt really bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there was a fucking, I guess she was, I don't know. She got a, it was not really awkward.

Cause I guess we had been fucking around for a couple of months, but Hey man. hey man do you think it's cool to look at your fucking phone right now bro for your information man I was actually looking at Twitter you think you think you can just come into my life and tell me what to do like the government

because the episodes a little bit not as interesting to you doesn't mean that our listeners should suffer because you're on your fucking cell phone our listeners should suffer in so many ways they deserve pain like you could not believe um yeah i fucking like i don't know how long i guess i mean i don't keep time or whatever, but I had, I guess been trying to like, I guess she was like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll be a trooper or whatever. You know, like, I know you're on the Zoloft, babe.

I got you. And, uh, there was like family guy playing in the background just cause it was what's on TV. Got through about like two and a half episodes of family guy is just getting head, not fucking. like two and a half episodes of family guy is just getting head not fucking and uh she was like hey uh i'm so tired of like sucking your dick and like there's just family guys on and i can't keep doing this i'm sorry and there was something so funny about like i don't i don't we i've not talked to this girl in forever but i'd like to think maybe i'm a little bit narcissistic del delusional, but that's like, that's a memory that's like, Hey, this guy I was dating, you know, he was on Zoloft and, uh, like I got through like three or four

episodes of family guy and, uh, you know, try to suck his dick and nothing was happening. And it's, you know, like something that just exists kind of is like a terrible memory, you know, not a terrible one, but just like a, you know. It's there. I have a weird memory with the show Archer. I don't know if I told you that story. No, no, no, no. I only have watched that show one time,

and it was like at this girl's house getting like the worst head of my life. at this girl's house getting like the worst head of my life like i i hadn't taken my adderall because i didn't want to have adderall dick but then also i was on like i was just like very depressed and just like couldn't really focus on anything as it turns out and so i just sort of like she's like yeah i put a show on or whatever. By the way, this girl did not look quite like I thought that she would. All right. That enough said. We're talking not really even close. A little slip and rip, a little sneak action.

Yeah. Like I got there and I was like, all right, whatever. Let's do this. I don't know who gives a fuck. Fuck it. I'm already signed up. Buy the ticket. Take like, alright, whatever. Let's do this. I'm already signed up. Buy the ticket. Take the fucking ride, motherfucker. We're talking an episode of Archer was playing. I completely forget I'm getting my dick sucked.

I just start watching Archer. Completely soft. And so I always thought that show would suck. And it kind of did, but I was like, in the time, I was like, you know, this isn't that bad of a show. Yeah. Get through, I think it was towards the tail end of the episode,

and then watch another full episode. These are 20-minute episodes. Get about five minutes into the next episode, and I just hear from down there like hey uh you're you're a not hard and dude my body was so like just numb in general i didn't realize i'd been yeah my dick sucked at all like i was just like you're watching tv i was like oh yeah you can you can cut that out you can do whatever the fuck you want i guess you can bail i mean yeah honestly you can leave she's like this is my house whatever i'm like no get out i uh i i i was like i was on i think it was tinder yeah it was tinder

and i matched with this girl we're messaging you you know. It's like clearly like not a dating. Like we're not going to go on a date. She was just like, you know, like hang out or whatever. But my apartment is like they're doing like maintenance. So, like, I don't know. There's like she couldn't have anybody over. I'm like, oh, okay. Whatever.

So, you can go to my house or whatever. And before she got there i had already started drinking like a bottle of jim beam just like i honestly forgot she was showing up and it was like a friday i got off work and i had worked like at that point i worked like 11 days in a row at the restaurant and like i had that next saturday off and uh i started drinking a bottle of jim beam at like 1 p.mpm or whatever and she gets there it's like 8 or 9 I'm fucking plastered and you know I managed to like cook

dinner and like I put on Ex Machina these are my favorite movies and she's like um okay like I didn't really come over for like dinner and a movie like I tried to like make it I guess in my drunk mind I was like I was i'm not

just trying to get pussy even though this girl was like clear like that was all that was in it for her or whatever i was like this would just be nice i may i think i made like sandwiches or something or like panini i think it was like nice sandwiches it's like what my what i could do blackout was like toasted like panini which I just made a sandwich on the pan. Like, I got, like, freeze-dried, like, french fries. And we, like, got, like, halfway through Ex Machina. And, like, I guess we're, like, fucking around on the couch. This is the living room.

So we go to, like, my room. And I bring the bottle with me. And, like, I take my clothes off. She takes her clothes off. We're, like, laying in bed. We're, like, laying like aormon couple just completely not touching i'm on one end of the bed she's on the other and i'm just pulling from the bottle or whatever whatever she's like hey or like are we gonna fuck and i was like oh no probably not she was like uh

are you serious like kind of laughing like her or you know i was like oh no, are you serious? Like kind of laughing. Like, or, you know, I was like, Oh no, uh, I'm really fucked up and my dick is not going to work. Uh,

and I'm just like not feeling it, whatever. And she drove like 40 minutes from like North, like round rock area. And I was like, I'll Venmo you some gas money. Uh, you know,

whatever. But, uh, no, it's just not happening. And she was like, like, uh, you know whatever but uh no it's just not happening and she was like like uh you know okay like whatever and like you know puts her clothes back on and like she like like went to the living room i'm just laying in bed shithouse drunk butt ass naked like you know just fucking and she like comes back in there and she's like like she's probably i don't know how long

she's in there i was fucked up like 10 50 minutes she, like, comes back in there, and she's, like, she's probably, I don't know how long she was in there. I was fucked up. Like, 10, 15 minutes. She's, like, I'm just going to fucking, like, leave. All right. And I was, like, yeah, swag. That's super cool. Thanks for swinging by. Like, I'm glad.

I hope you enjoyed dinner or whatever. And she leaves, and my roommate comes out, and he's, like, the walls are paper thin. Like, he heard everything. He was, like, hey, dude, did you, a girl over and cook her food and drink a whole fifth and then just get whiskey dick and totally leave? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, I mean, she was hot, dude. Are you going to try again?

And I was like, oh, no, I don't give a fuck at all. And he was like, I mean, respect, kind of of but also you're fucking retarded that is that is sick i mean i mean like i it was just i didn't mean to be right i texted the next day because i had like anxiety like i fucking blacked out like i don't really i remember like the story is pieced together from like what i can recall i texted her i was like hey like i worked like 11 doubles in a row this is my day off like I'm really fucking sorry and she was like uh no that's cool but like don't text me anymore and I was like swag like I thought I was gonna like have to be like oh I'll make it up to you I'll make it

up to you I'll take you out like well let's go out for real or whatever. And, you know, nah, she was like, hey, just like, don't, you know, like it's chill, you know, whatever. Shit happens. But like in my mind, I was like, I kind of wanted that response because I was like, please don't be like, yeah, let's try again sometime. No, just cut it. That was my, I struck out with bases loaded, dude. Bases loaded. I had a fucking. You had two strikes.

Bases loaded and you went a fucking bright down. That's right. You had two strikes, bases loaded, and you went for a bunt. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I like, I fucking, and to this day, like, I'll be bullshitting with the guys, and they're like, oh, we're all in relationships, long-term relationships. And they're like, remember that time you, for whatever reason, drank, like, an entire bottle of Jim Beam and just laid in bed naked like next like you know and I was like yeah I mean I do kind of it's something like a celebrity would do who like doesn't like get so much pussy doesn't care it's way funnier to do it as a guy who gets pussy like

every three to six months yeah that's the thing is is I don't want anyone to think that I'm like pussy's only pussy and I get it when I know I had been on a dry run i had been out of right fresh out of a relationship okay and i had not had sex in like four months like this was and tinder was not kind to me i was also kind of fat too like i was not in a position like i don't want to give anybody any listeners if you have the idea that i'm a pussy-getting legend, wrong. There are none of those on this show. There are none of these on this show, ever. Not even the guests.

But I was probably like 215, 220. And dude, mattress on the floor, no sheets, no blanket, one pillow. I was not slinging dick, and I did not have the right. This girl way out of my league but for whatever reason was like fuck it Jake's you know he's kind of funny I guess I'll you know I guess I'll take some like four out of ten dick it's on a Friday I got nothing better to do drives 40 minutes like from fucking like almost round rock and just gets like literally me making like half-ass paninis so drunk and like basketball like the same thing you do, like, when I come over.

Exactly. I am not. Dude, my house is a fucking wreck. I got, like, beer cans, cigarette butts because I did a Sig's Inside call, like, the week before and had not cleaned up. Like, it just. And I don't. Like, I don't want anyone to think that I'm proud of this. When I say respect and other people say

it it's kind of like you kind of like how you're like it's not a celebrity that is a move you make when you get pussy twice a week I was just like I instead of getting pussy I think I want to finish this fifth try to jack off after you leave and then throw up a whole bunch and go to sleep for like two days like I'm not I'm not really gonna fucking like you know it just i think back on moments like that in my life and it's like man you have like do you is it that i have like an inflated perception of my you don't get to do that you do not you know how much money i had on my bank account at that time it was not over 50 dollars you don't need more than 50 dollars ever facts in fact you know i just recently in the last year or year two years have like built a savings account and every impulse i have is like hey man

do you remember how you used to live one dollar in your savings account negative 322 in your checking just enough to keep the savings up you ever want to you want to fuck with the big dogs i uh i don't do it because i guess my girlfriend would get mad at me uh and i do kind of want to buy a car that goes fast soon like really really soon and i still don't have anywhere close to enough money but i think i think uh you know this year maybe early 2023 maybe early now dude just sell me like your body sell my blood and my dude i did ever tell you the time i tried to sell sperm i tried to like sell my i told you not to tell people about that why not why wouldn't i you know sometimes offers are made in private you know hey hey jake i know we've been friends for like you know coming up on two years i guess this year

and uh but if you could give me like a load maybe two yeah i'm just like collect i'm kind of like collecting them yeah i'm the load i'm the rope collector uh and i'm just trying collect i'm kind of like collecting them yeah i'm the load i'm the rope collector uh and i'm just trying to get a cup of your rope i'm thinking like 10 bucks for two loads now i was on a i was on craigslist looking for freelance gigs um because i was bartending at the time but i was like having trouble paying bills and drugs or whatever and um i was like looking on just like gigs and shit on craigslist and it was like a sperm. It's like not donation. It's like 150 bucks to go jack off in a cup.

And I was like, that's awesome to me. And I had a girlfriend at the time, longterm girlfriend. And I was like, that's a fucking steal. I could use 150. I'd already donated my plasma,

like my limited amount of time like that that number of weeks i think i'd done it like twice in two weeks which is like not supposed to do it that much but anyway and i'm filling out this questionnaire and the first question is like how like how tall are you and i'm like all right six foot it's like what's your level of education like bachelors what's your hair color brown like Like, bachelor's. What's your hair color? Brown. Like, basic shit. And then it gets to, like, familial history. And it's like, father's side. Any history of addiction?

Nope. Absolutely not. No. Any history of heart disease? Cancer? No, not at all. None of that. I'm just straight up lying. You know, lying.

I'm trying to answer how I would want a potential, like if I needed some cum to make a child, like if I was in a game, you know, my wife was barren. Right. I'm trying to answer how I would want someone to answer. So I'm just straight up lying, which I don't think is legal to do on a questionnaire like this. Because if I jack off, if they were to have let me done it,

I'm kind of spoiling the story. If I would have jacked off into a cup and it would have made a child, that kid would have been like, you know, wow, skin cancer, bipolar disorder, you know, whatever the fuck. Like all the shit that runs in my family. It gets like skin cancer like in the womb or something. It's like in the womb, there's like your baby needs lithium i don't know why or how but like we need to we need you we don't say this often we need you to start smoking cigarettes yeah we need you to start smoking cigarettes and we normally in fact we never

recommend drinking in the womb but you need to drink about 20 miller high lives a week uh for this kid for whatever reason he just developmentallyally. Anyway, I fill out this whole questionnaire. I lie. Mom's side, dad's side. I don't know if I like I was trying to trick it. And I'm sure because it's a medical questionnaire that I was trying to lie on that I answered like too good. And they were like, no, you can't take this again.

We're not going to take you. Anyway, I was I didn't think about this. I didn't consult. I was the girl I was dating at the time we were dating for almost two years. I didn't even think to ask her. Cause I did not think it mattered. I need a hundred. I needed 150. I needed money. And I was just casually like, I'm telling you now we're at dinner. And I was like, yeah, I was trying to like donate some cum till I get some money. And, uh, she was like, like stop eating was like, but what?

And I was like, yeah, like I needed some money. I'm fucking broke. And so I was going to go donate some sperm, but they wouldn't let me, I think because I lied too much. And she was like,

you were going to donate sperm to a bank that they use to make children. And we are dating for like two, like you didn't think to consult me and i was like fuck no why would i it's my cum she was like i mean it's you're gonna that's a kid that kind of belongs to you right and i'm like yeah but i mean like it's not my kid i mean genetically it's my kid like if they were to take my cum and then put it in a lady,

like, obviously, like, that's how that stuff works. We're all adults. We're not. Yeah, so we're going to take some guy's cum, and we're going to put it in your wife's pussy. See if it makes you a fucking kind of baby. He's, like, smoking a cigar. Yeah, so we got a guy jacking off right now.

He's going to cum. He's going to bust a load, and we're going to take all the cream from there. We're going to slather it in your wife's. Good news is he is six foot. Okay. Good news. He does have a college degree.

Bad news is does a lot of cocaine. Kind of not nice to strangers. Ugly as fuck. Weird looking. Cannot grow facial hair. Penis small. Nuts nuts huge how does that work why uh uh hairless from the waist up waist down 50 year old serbian uh that's who we got though you got the basic package if you want premium we can go six three plus we can start talking

athletes uh you got a bachelor's degree in philosophy guy who has to take medicine so he doesn't rip the steering column out of his car. We should have a load off. Just both compare the health of our loads. You're just like, oh, yours is much thicker, but mine has a little bit more viscosity to it. Mine is like 90% blood somehow. You're like, no, Tom, this is not a blood sample i'm like right this is right this is i'm like swishing around it's just like it's just dark red fresh blood

you're like dude i'm like how long has this been going on you're like i've been busting like this my whole life dude um whenever i had my penile trauma, you remember this. Right, you're fucking, yeah, you're pissing blood, yeah. Me being an adventurer, you know. Yeah. I had to see. You have to see. If you're only pissing blood.

You didn't. You did not, did you? You got to see. Got to see it through, my boy. All right, yeah. Okay, keep going. Was it, how was it? It was normal?

No, it was not normal. It was mostly normal, I think. A little pink? It hurt so bad at the end that I, like, almost don't remember. It was such a bad mistake. It just kind of went black, yeah. And then the next day I tried again

and it was still awful that's one experiment I'll say probably don't go for if you were diagnosed medically with something called penile trauma one thing you should probably not do is just jack off and see if it hurts really bad

because apparently it does it hurts really bad because apparently it does it hurts so bad that's so fucked up dude it's very fucked up to piss a bunch of blood for like a week and be like i wonder if i come blood also like it's that was like my immediate thought. That's awesome, dude. That rocks. It's like your doctor is on the way out the door. Hey, if you're thinking about jacking off as a science experiment, don't. And you're like 100%. The doctor I went to was delighted.

I went to the ER and this old doctor, dude, he like, I'm telling him what happened. And I'm like, and by the way, uh, you know,

obviously we don't know what caused this could be kidneys or whatever, but I'm not having pain in my kidneys. And I feel like I definitely would, you know, like this looks like, and I was like, I don't know if it's from climbing. And he just like smiles like very, like in a very happy way. Yeah. Not like, and I was like, I don't know if it's from climbing. And he just, like, smiles, like, in a very happy way. Not like, hmm, this is odd.

And he's like, interesting. I bet that's it. Let's take a look. And so I have to just show him my penis and balls. And he's like, don't worry. We're going to get a chaperone in here. It's not just going to be me and you. And he calls one of his lady nurses in there

to watch him inspect my balls and penis. And, dude, I take this thing out, this stupid little fucking dick, you know. Yeah, right. And, dude, I don't know know i think it was a fear reaction um it shrunk up but only the very tip so you just had full shaft but little peckerhead it looked like a little like a ballpoint pen i was like like i took it out I was like, like I took it out and I was like, hmm. Yeah, right, right, right.

I guess it doesn't affect the research, but I was like, man, I wish I could just like put it back and take, you know, because you only get one first look. You only get one first, you got to make a good first impression. Yeah. Even to a male doctor, you got to let them know what's good. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it wasn't like having a prostate exam. Not a prostate exam. I haven't done that before. But when they check you for hernias, you know?

Yeah. And physical, and they're just, all right, cough. He was like, he just sort of like grabbed one ball and then just sort of like. Like checking a jewel? Yeah, like he wasn't. I wasn't molesting him. Yeah, like a ruby. But he was just like, hmm, interesting. All right, you can put that thing away, you know.

Yeah. But he started telling me stories about how he used to be a medic for like parachute guys. Yeah, okay. That makes sense. And apparently it's like in the paramilitary combat stuff. I forget what it's called. The guys who jump out of the airplanes. Paratroopers, yeah. Yeah, that's what it's called. The guys who jump out of the airplanes. Paratroopers, yeah.

Yeah, that's what it's called. And he was like, and that was super common. And I really liked the idea of joining the military and getting into what you think is going to be like the coolest part. Right. Other than like Navy SEALs maybe. And then just like every day, like you just piss blood. You just piss like a gallon of blood.

Yeah. It's like I'm an airborne. I went to ranger school. I'm an airborne. And I piss ranger school. I'm an airborne. And I piss about a gallon of blood a day, but I am tough. And I am a tough guy. Go ahead. Whenever I first piss blood.

You sent me a picture of it. You're like, well, that's literally what you were like. Well, I was like, hey, that looks like coffee. It was like I sent that so many people. So i'm not special all right that's fine you were the i think you were the maybe the first person i showed them that's awesome i love that i showed you and joey first i think that's badass um and then i don't think i drank any water after seeing that i was just like all right well i guess i'll go about my day and then just go to bed and then i don't think i drank any water after seeing that i was just like all right well i guess i'll go about my day and then just go to bed and then the next day i pissed skin and it

was like much worse it was like i remember yeah you sent me that picture like of actual your fucking cup yeah that was gnarly i texted my boss who's also one of my best friends and well this particular bosses but um i was like hey man i might be a little bit late tomorrow because like i'm like only pissing blood uh and he was like dude you should go to the er like right now and i was like like i'm not gonna do that yeah but like i'll yeah i'll check it out in the morning and in the morning it was just like it wasn't even red anymore it was like black yeah that's what it looked like when you sent me that picture it was like a brownish it just straight up looked like you just poured coffee

in the toilet with like a little bit of piss and i was i was so impressed it was like a little bit fizzy yeah it was like straight up dr pepper i i wish that was what my normal piss was like that'd be such a good prank when i got uh i i think i told you that i when i so like i like i've always had stomach issues and i think around like 20 my asshole zone was like all right you know whatever and i uh i thought i was straight up dying. I did not know. I thought hemorrhoids was what, like, 900-year-old guys got. And one time I went to the bathroom, and I was like, well, that's, I'm dumb. It's curtains for me, you know. It was like just blood, basically?

It was just, yeah. It was fresh. Like, bright red, the whole toilet paper. He's a toilet paper. And I was drunker than fuck uh too and so that didn't help and uh same as you i was like well i'm gonna sleep this one off and we'll deal with it in the morning because i'm shithoused i'm just gonna keep listening to fucking acid rap i'm gonna do some coke this is good that'll make it good I'm going to drink about 15 Cocoa butter kisses

While I'm just shitting blood Yeah 100% And I go to the doctor The next day I call out of work I go to the ER ER doctor is like We're going to get you in

I went poop normally that day He was like Probably hemorrhoids But we need to get you checked for polyps. And I was like, okay, are you going to do that? And he was like, oh, well, you need to see like a PC. Like, you need to see like a doctor, doctor. I thought it was like, I thought you were a doctor, doctor. He was like, eh.

So I scheduled with like my actual doctor. Got him, got in there. He was the guy I think I told you about. I am panicking because that morning i shit blood blood like poop but also blood and uh he was a guy i told you that talked like fucking uh he like he's he's one of these baylor medicine renowned doctor he had seen me a couple times before he's like my first, he was like, I had to explain to my symptoms to him and he's like,

all right, we're going to turn around and take a look at your rear end, all right? Just bend on over and drop your drawer for me. I'm like, okay,

Arthur Morgan, like this is not, like you need to be a little, like talk like a doctor. He was like, he was like, yeah, just fucking take fuck chonies off right around your ankle bone

and fucking bend over that goddamn table. We'll take a look at your fucking asshole, I suppose. And he, I think I was talking to you. I don't know if I did it on the show yet, but he fucking lubed his middle finger, dude. The longest one. He fucking like lubed his middle finger, dude. The longest one. And he like sticks his finger in my asshole.

And is like, oh, yeah, all right. Okay. Well, around the sort of, he called it entryway. They're around the entryway here. So you do have quite a bit of hemorrhoids going on in this general area, but we do need to check your prostate just to be 100%. I'm certain that you're fine. It's just young men sometimes lifting weights, bad diet, get hemorrhoids. The whole time he's talking to me like this, he's about almost knuckle deep in my asshole.

He's just giving me the rundown of the difference between polyps, hemorrhoids, and prostate cancer. While his cold, lubed up doctor's finger. I am literally straddling the fucking doctor sit down table. And I'm just like, I know this is a medical context. But I need you to like, hey, you're running the light here. This is not an open mic. Like, I need you to like get your finger out of my ass. I know you're a doctor. I know I'm here for a reason. I know that I'm running the light here. This is not an open mic. Like, I need you to, like, get your finger out of my ass. I know you're a doctor.

I know I'm here for a reason. I know that I'm doing the right thing. Anyway, he was like, all right, we're just going to take your prostate. I was like, I thought that's what you were doing already. Apparently, it's a little bit further in the fucking, you know. And he's like, he just kind of doesn't even say anything and just go fucking, you know. And he's like, just kind of doesn't even say anything and just go fucking you know and he's like a prostate's right there and i was like all right like i just i just i just kind of like

blue screened you know like when your computer freezes i was like like i just got like an error code like my whole brain and i was like all right all right all right okay okay he was like yeah yeah i usually get that response i don't remember exactly what he said but it was something very candid like that like i was like what you know he's like yeah you know it's all right yeah so you know he's like didn't feel nothing back there uh you do have hemorrhoids though you need to see a gastroenterologist uh and uh you know blah blah blah all this shit and uh like on the way home, my mom's like, how'd the doctor go? My mom was very concerned.

That type of stuff runs in the family. And I was like, I... You having a finger put up your ass? Yes, yes, 100%, yeah. Yeah, definitely. And getting professionally molested by Dutch dutch from red dead 2 you know and uh and fucking you know i'm telling her about it or whatever and i you know i was like i got to see a gastroenterologist i go to see the gastroenterologist lady hot lady like not even like hot for a doctor like hot you know and she's like so i got the notes

from dr zone so uh he says that you uh he's not worried about anything dangerous anything that we need to worry about but i'm the specialist specialist and i want to take a – I just want to be sure. And I was like, come the fuck – like, it's funny when it's like Bill Dautreve from King of the Hill, but with a gruffier voice. Like, that's funny. But, like, fresh out of, like, you know, Baylor Medical, you know, like the scrubs, the hair up, fucking winged – your – winged, like, eyeliner. Like, this is, you know – what the scrubs, the hair up fucking wing, your company wing, like eyeliner. Like, this is, you know, what are we doing? And I was like, Oh, well he did it. Like I was trying to get, like, I'm at a doctor's appointment that I paid a bunch of money for. I didn't have health

insurance at the time. And I'm trying to get out of the thing that I'm there for. Like, I'm like, well, you know, he just ran it like two weeks ago. Like, you know, he's got the, anyway, uh, long story short or whatever the fuck, uh, that lady, uh, finger blasted me again. And I was like on the way home and I was like, you know, I was good. She did want to shove a camera in my asshole. Like next time I canceled that appointment. I was like, I'm done getting, I'm done. I didn't even think this was something I was like no you know maybe you should check I'm

solid if I develop ulcerative colitis or Crohn's later on so fucking be it but she's like I want to do like a full scoscopy whatever the fuck it's called and I was like colonoscopy yeah I was like is that where you shove like a big wire up my asshole and it kind of goes up she was like yeah and I was like yeah let's schedule that out and I will be here 100%. I will not cancel it. And literally on the way home, I called and canceled. I just was not going to have that done. I didn't really care about dying. We should get one done for you soon.

Dude, honestly, if I'm being 100%, jokes aside, I should probably legitimately have one done just to determine what. Yeah, I'll do it. We should make it a video episode yeah i'll run i'll get really drunk and we'll run the pod where you shall get a cattle prod yeah why would the fuck would you need a cattle prod to hurt you the doctor pulls one out and i'm like what's that for he's like oh just to cause you pain like a lot of physical and emotional pain i just kind of wanted to see you suffer. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, wait, hold on. I thought you were a doctor. Oh, I am, but I'm also, like, fucked up. Like, really. I'm also a bad person. I'm, like, uncaged. Yeah, I'm sort of an unhinged, like, sexual predator, but I do have an MD. So, I mean, hey, do you think we couldn't be, like, rapists, too?

I mean, hey, you know, like, I don't, I've always wanted to find out like the root cause. I just have like general IBS or whatever. It was like, I wonder what I'm like allergic to or like what the fuck's wrong with like my gut biome. But like every time I like take step, like step three is finding out what it is. I get to step two and the doctor's like, well, it's, you know, it's about seven, $800 for the tests. I'm like, I'm solid.

Cause you're going to tell me I can't have chicken wings, uh, or like, you know, Louisiana hot sauce. You're going to tell me I can't have fucking, you know, a one or steak. The one doctor that I did see was like, you need to go veggie pescatarian at most. And I was like, Hey, I'm good. She was like, no, like you're going to develop ulcers. Those are hard to deal with. You're only 27. And I'm like, I like don't really like, I don't give a fuck. Like it sucks dick to almost shit yourself every day. But I like don't. It's like fine.

It's been my whole life, you know. She's like, well, as you get older, you're going to have like problems. And I'm like, I already have them. What's going to get worse? I'm just going to shit myself at 50. That's fine. That's funny as fuck to me. To shit myself like 15 years before retirement, that's fine.

I'll deal with it later. We'll still be doing the show, making $1,000. You'll be shitting yourself on mic. Yeah, I will. You'll be a nice young 45, 46. Fuck. I'm just cruising in at 51, you know, shitting my fucking. I feel like I'm going to thrive in my mid-40s.

Something tells me that the 30s are going to suck. And then around 40, I'll get into, like, woodworking, and I'll just be one of those guys. You know, just something like. I feel like I'm already, like, in my 30s. No, definitely. Like, again, you know, it's no secret at this point, but I was like, no, you know, this guy.

I'll do a show with him. I think we're the same age. And you're like, I just turned 21. And I'm like, it's no secret at this point when I was like, no, you know, this guy, I'll do a show with him. I think we're the same age. And you're like, I just turned 21. And I'm like, that's awesome. That rocks. You kind of just like, you have like a, you have like the energy of all my friends that I have who are like, yeah, I did heroin for like 10 years. And now like my dick doesn't work and I have like a bunch of lesions. So I mostly just work outdoors.

But you're like 22 years. Yeah. I'm going to be like, you know, we're good. It's going to be like two years from now. And you know, things are pretty much the same,

but I'm like, yeah. So like, you know, I have polio now, but like, it's, we're kind of just vibing with it.

Like just making it work, you know, everybody's like the, well, I was funny. I was telling, uh, I think it was one of my bandmates actually i was like yeah thomas just turned uh 22 and they were like what i was like yeah he's 22 and they're like i thought he was your age i was like no sometimes i've had people think i'm the

younger one i just i think like we i to me we're like right there in the middle we both just sort of look you know but uh it's it's funny to be to have like five years on you and then people are like yeah that old guy that was he like an old like austin comic or something yeah that crane foreman that you do that show with like what is his crane soup like how what is he 48 no he's 20 he just he does not drink but he's been legally allowed to drink for like eight months yeah i'm 10 years sober i'm turning 13 in march so that'll be good dude those are the guys the reason i stopped going to like the blank a like they have ca naaa whatever the reason i stopped going to those and i was going to like smart meetings when i was like first quitting fucking doing pills or whatever but anyway i stopped going to those and i was going to like smart meetings when i was

like first quitting fucking doing pills or whatever but anyway i would go to the end like the narcotics anonymous meetings and my life wasn't really all that bad i just you know you get your shit batted around in a fucking closet you know and fucking somebody you know whatever somebody yells at you and you throw a beer at your head or whatever like that normal shit just normal you know fucking everyday stuff and then there would and you throw a beer at your head or whatever. Like that normal shit. Just normal, you know, fucking everyday stuff. And then there would be like an 80-year-old man that was like, well, you know, got sober around 11.

Been drinking for that about 20. You're like, none of the dates add up. They're like the veteran of the room. They're like, well, you know, after World War II, I killed my first wife did about 30 years and you're like man i'm out like you are playing like they flex on you and they're not flexing on you that's just the way i perceive it they're just sharing the fucked up things that they've

done in their lives but yeah my life was just like 35 bad you need to need to probably drink. Like you should go home and drink. You do not sound like you've gotten any better, like haven't been sober for 40 years or whatever. The veterans of the room. I met a guy who was 10 years sober and was not addicted to alcohol before. He said his ex-wife just was sober, so he just went sober. That's funny. But he just drank like Scheiderbach like he just went sober. That's funny. But he just drank like Scheiderbach like once a week before.

That's awesome. He was like, yeah, I got my 10-year coin. It wasn't that bad because I wasn't an alcoholic. And I was like, well, I guess we're kind of in a similar boat. Dude, I was the guy, and I mean, I don't know. This is kind of, I mean, it's not team. I mean, there's other things, team, whatever. I mean, I don't know.

This is kind of... I mean, it's not team. There's other things. Team, motherfucker. I was the guy who would come in to the fucking meeting, like, cold sweat, probably hadn't had, like, a Vicodin or whatever. And I guess in, like, a day, I was like, all right, this is it.

Or a Coke, whatever. Whatever the fuck. And they would give me the silver like you know meeting chip and i would leave the meeting and i would be like well this shit sucked i don't want to deal with that i would get high and then like two weeks later i would come back and uh it's like so how you past two weeks been and i was like i've been eating pills like just to some meat buddy in the man's i've been eaten fucking they're like oh okay well you know it's always you can collect as many of these silver things as you want like as a joke

like you should try whatever and i was like i don't think i'm gonna i'll get another one from you i think i had like three and i just like stopped going or whatever there just is so like the eight the anonymous meetings first of all i don't like the 12-step shit i haven't looked into it uh it's like some guy will be like oh man it's not as religious and weird as everybody says it is and then you get there and it's like you have to believe in something and i'm like dude i don't like i wait you're telling me i gotta like they're like it has to be a higher power something bigger than you you have to give yourself over to it because you're telling me I gotta like, it has to be a higher power, something bigger than you.

You have to give yourself over to it because you're helpless. And I'm like, no man, I'm just bored. I should probably just run more, you know? I need to like, I just need to like occupy,

I'm like a lab rat. Like I need enrichment tools or I start doing fucking drugs all day. I'm like, no man, you gotta fucking give it up, brother. You gotta fucking,

you gotta find something bigger than you. And I'm like, ah, this is gay got to fucking give it up, brother. You got to find something bigger than you. And I'm like, ah, this is gay. I'm out. This sucks massive dick. The smart meetings were more like, you're an asshole? And I'm like, 100%, yeah. And they're like, me too. Do you want to stop being one?

And I was like, like 10%, yeah. And they're like, that's enough. That's that. Better than nothing. Zero percent is 10%. Yeah. And they're like, that's enough. Like that's, that's that. Better than nothing. Zero percent is bad. Yeah. Um, I, uh, yeah, that shit was fucking stupid as fuck. I like when I separated my shoulder, I hadn't had a fucking opiate in forever and they gave me a Vicodin and I was like, Ashley was there.

I was in the ER and I was holding it like a fucking, I was holding it like a video game. Like you find the jewel like on a side quest and i was just like like the lights pouring in through the window and in my head this is what's happening like ashley's like to my left and she's like hey and i like i like was like the movie moment That was playing I'm just holding this one fucking 20 milligram Vicodin or 10 And she was like what's up

And I was like oh they gave me this I'm in like a lot of fucking pain and I'm thinking If I take it I'll probably be good But also it might ruin my whole life And she was like hey you make your own decisions You know whatever like I love you You know and she was like, Hey, you make your own decisions. Um, you know, whatever. Like, I love you. Oh,

you know? And I was like, like she said that the conversation ended right back to and I'm just like, like, fuck it. And I just eat it. And I got down it with like ginger ale or whatever the fuck they gave me in like 10 minutes. I'm late i'm just i hadn't had one forever you know it was pretty

strong i was like yeah it would have been funny if you got that surgery back in the day and they gave you that and you like started sobering up from it well like for a while like i would take if i ran out of dilaudid i would take tylenol three like i would go to a doctor or like i was like i have shoulder problems i legitimately did i was almost always in pain and they would just give me threes and it just wouldn't do anything i would take like the whole bottle you know and then i was like i had like a moment to myself where i was like hey, if something bad happens to you, like really fucked up,

and you need to go to the ER and they pump you for a Dilaudid, and you're like... No. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a fucking G. I'm a thug and I'm a pimp. And if you want to see a couple Gs, thugs, and pimps get their pimping on,

you're going to want to go to these little shows we're doing. Just some little teeny tiny shows. I don't know how many tickets. There's tickets still left for Houston and Dallas, last I checked, which was two days ago. Okay. Last I saw, there were not a lot of tickets for either. No, I think the Houston one only has like the,

if you got big Dick baller status, you know, I believe in you. Uh, maybe, you know, get eight of your friends and you can, you know,

hit that mother paint town fucking red for the Houston show. Dallas running low. They're both running low, but there's fucking room. There's room for, they will sell out. Probably will sell out. So,

uh, in the next fucking two weeks. But we're at the 18th at White Oak in Houston, Texas. No, 18th is Dallas. Sorry, don't listen to me. I'm stupid. 18, Echo Music Lounge, Dallas. Dallas is sold out.

I just checked. Oh, fuck. Goddamn, Dallas. Don't come to Dallas. If you do, you'll be turned away. They do not like you. You're too fucked up looking to get into the fucking venue. 22nd is in Houston at White Oak.

Can you check if that's sold out? We probably should have looked into this first. Yeah, Houston is not sold out. Swag. You can still get a ticket for the 22nd at White Oak Music Hall. Yep, you can. And I believe they still, it looks like, from what I can see, they still got general admission

for that $25. Big Dick Baller. Big Dick Baller brand. That's good. Yeah, come see us. If you're going to get it, I would get it right now. The parking was sold out, I think, when I looked at it. They've got different lots.

Yeah. Lot B and Lot C still available. But regardless, Houston, folks, that's going to sell out almost certainly. So if you want to go to that, go ahead and get your tickets. Go see the boys. Go see the damn boys. Me and Tom. Some interesting political conversations.

Interesting, educated opinions. That will hopefully spark boys. Me and Thomas. Some interesting political conversations. Interesting, educated opinions. That will hopefully spark growth and inspire the youth. Right. Also, check out the patreon.com. Jake gave, I think, 75 or so middle schoolers backstage passes, so that's going to be really cool to meet all those. Because Thomas asked me. He said, can you please get some more tweets?

I said that, and then you said, okay, but only I get to hang out with them. I'm like, whatever. Jake is going to teach them some, I don't know, lessons of some kind. Teach some Muay Thai to some 13-year-olds. Yeah, just some jiu-jitsu. We're going to do some rolling, some live rounds. Anyway, bye. Bye.