Pendejo Time - happy-ass reaper

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

I like eating oats and shit. that your baby? time for him to go lol. Support the Show.

and they're off and we're back with another fantastic episode of your favorite show the biggest show in the southwestern hemisphere the pendejo time pendejo time jake my co-host my friend my confidant at times my lover how are you good man you know, just made a big old pot of chicken and dumplings. I saved like 28 different $2,000 old Camaros to my Facebook marketplace profile. We're going to look at those later. See what else. Bookmark some superchargers, some $10,000 superchargers. I'll take a look at those later, too.

Let's see what else. That's about it, man. Just living the dream. Living the dream of being a successful podcaster and loving every minute of it. What about you, man? How you been, dude? I've been good.

Put up a shelf today from Ikea. Very good. One of the simple ones took me about an hour. Yeah. The holes are too tiny for any screws to go through, and then the way that the shelf was, you couldn't really use a hammer to hammer nails in. So I just drilled the holes to be bigger in the shelf itself and it's metal

um and i used like kind of a shitty drill for that and then i used the wrong kind of screws for one of them so it was like halfway in and i just used a different kind of screw that went all the way in for the other side but it was out of of... It's, like, up over a doorway, so I just left the shitty one in there. Do you let Eden... Or does she, like, help you, like, put any type of furniture together? It kind of depends on the circumstances.

I say... I always say no for the most part. Mm-hmm. But I try not to be a dick about it. Like, I try and... Like, sometimes I do need help. And other times I don't know how to... Sometimes it's just a

one-person job and I'd rather do it by myself. And I'm also very inefficient. It'll take me like 30 minutes to find a hammer, 30 minutes to find the level, 30 minutes finding a specific screw. The right drill bit.

Yeah, so the whole operation takes way longer because i do it and because i have the tools and because i fucking suck at centralizing today my hammer was on top of the um of the ac unit and the screws were in a random bag and then a screwdriver was in my tackle box. Nice. And then nails were in a

different room. Yeah, it's like I spy, it makes you want to kill yourself. I'm the same way. Like, Ashley will be like, do you want some help? And I go, look, the way that I like to put stuff together is I like to I get really pissed off and I feel like if there's another person there then then it's embarrassing if I'm alone and I'm just like I'm like beating the shit out of myself and it's fine I only have to bear witness to that behavior I'm the only guy that has to see it but she's like oh i can hold

that for you i'm like i can't you can't be in here right now she's like oh i see you're very frustrated i think i could help you i don't i don't the help would make me more mad you know what i mean like it not mad just like i need to do this on my own i need this out of the box on youtube it says 45 minute install this needs to take me six hours and i need to feel sick after that's kind of basically where i'm at with it yeah for sure yeah and i don't uh when i put together our bed frame it was one of those like it's like oh you know this is a two-person job it's a bed frame and i was like i'm gonna stretch myself to you know fucked up proportions to make this work. I just realized I shaved today and I went clean shave.

But I was a little hasty. Yeah, you had some shit. It would appear I have had a soul patch all day. Very nice. Hell yeah. Went to Home Depot with it and everything just

looking like Sugar Ray guy Yeah that's a sick look dude All that shit's coming back man And you're a young guy you can get on some of those fashion trends Dude soul patch Soul patch is not I don't know That would be a bold one though

Cause nobody has a soul patch Right well I saw one of those like thrift haul things the other day on Instagram and it was like a kid, like 20-something-year-old kid or whatever, young kid. And it was all like Affliction and Tap Out and like Ed Hardy

and like big, or like t-shirts or whatever, like big sizes of those things and he was like got this got fucking 10 of these badass shirts fucking that looks slick or whatever and i was like i went open the comments expecting people to be like dude that's what fucking xanax dealers wore that's what guys who push their wives into the pool too hard or whatever. No, all the comments were like, dude, fire. Fucking sick. I really never thought I would see...

I think it's kind of post-ironic in a way. I see I thought so, but they put the fits together in such a way where it seems like they're trying to have that shit on. You know what I mean? No, they do have that shit on, but it's like, oh no they are having they do have that shit on but it's like oh this is bad well it's good again actually right and i know that's just

how like i saw i saw a dude wearing a puka shell necklace in brooklyn the other day yeah and he pulled it off you know that's what i'm saying is like with the that's what i'm saying with you with the soul patch it's like somebody had to start with the affliction shit. Like dude, 10 years ago, the only guys that wore affliction were guys that like, like they would like play fight with their wives and then I'm fucking suplex them through the window unit.

That was what those clothes, that's who they were for marketed towards. Yeah, that is, that's not like in my head either. Right? Like you can see, no, you know what it is? It's not the pointy, marketed towards. Yeah, that's not in my head either, right? You can see. No, you know what it is?

It's not the pointy one. It's like you're like a. It's like the barely there one. It's like the owner of a soccer team, like the Italian owner. The very like fucking suave. It's honestly not as bad. Look, I thought you were saying you had the pointy one for a bit. I couldn't see it.

No, no. I literally missed. I just missed a spot shaving. You have like the Hitler goatee. Yeah, I have a Hitler soul patch. It's just a square like right under your eye. Yeah, it looks so stupid. It's awesome.

I have seen it now. It's like my unibrow just got clicked and dragged. It's like when Hitler was trying to figure out what type of mustache to have, and he just was like, I can't do the soul patch. Yeah, it's too tiny to be a fashion statement because you have to look close. And now it's just bothering me. And we have another 53 minutes of the show left. We have to look at my stupid fucking reflection here.

It's okay. my stupid fucking reflection here. It's okay. You know, I remember there was, when I was in like fifth or sixth grade, there was a time when everybody's dad had a soul patch for like a month. It was around when, I think what it was, was guys had gotten the goatee.

Every guy got that one goatee. Yep. Where it's just a side shaved off the beard really easily. And I think some of them got rid of that and on the way got down to a soul patch and went, hmm, okay. We could rock this for a little while. I remember also at the time,

this was a little more rural. I don't think this was like a – I don't necessarily think this was a nationwide thing. A lot of guys would have a goatee, just the chin, you know, no mustache, and they'd grow it out for like a year. I saw some of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't see it – nothing like crazy super long but i it's like not the chin strap it's just like almost like the amish thing just fucking yeah you know

just yeah jebediah whatever the fuck uh my buddy uh whenever he would shave he would let his beard grow out real thick uh shout out to cameron my friend. Shout out, Cameron. Cameron. Anyway, he thought it would be fun. He always thought it was funny to do. His shit would get so thick that he would have to use, not clippers, whatever the fuck it is, like a beard trimmer or whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes he would do this. I don't want to put the guy on blast.

But he would do this almost every time. Not every time, but almost every time he shaved, he would get this. I don't want to put the guy on blast, but he would do this almost every time. Not every time, but almost every time he shaved, he would get the Hitler mustache. Then he would walk out of the bathroom because we all lived together. He would go, heading to work, guys. Dude, it crushed every single time. It did well. There was never a time he did it where I was like, come on, bro. It always worked.

Anyway, it was fresh. So it was Hitler, but if Arthur Morgan ran the Third Reich, it wouldn't just be because he was really, really bushy. It was out to here. It was very fucked up. Take a guy with a nice handlebar mustache and then just give him the Hitler and don't thin the square out, and that's what he had. So would clean shave yes from oh nice nice it's just that so like arthur morgan hitler that's what we were working with anyway um he was doing it and uh you know he does the bit

he comes out he's like all right guys head into the coffee shop and we're like ah yeah cowboy hitler and he's like yeah yee-ehaw brother final final time to solution you know and you're like yeah all right cowboy hitler take get rid of it now that's we got it uh there was one time that he uh i heard it because my room was right next to the bathroom he turned the shaver on it goes and it just dies and uh he was like, ah, shit. And no, I don't shave. I can't grow facial hair, really. So I didn't have any razors.

And, like, the one that I did have was a disposable one. But, like, I could reuse those because I don't grow enough to justify getting anything else. And so he was like, does anybody have any razors? And Edgar had one. But we were all reveling in this. We were like, bro, you got to go to the store. We don't have any razors. And Ed was like, oh, I think my Clippers are back home, bro.

You got to go to Walmart. And he was like, guys. I watched the smile leave from his face once he found out what we were all doing to him, which was like, you got to go to Dollar General, Cowboy Hitler, to get your own razor. All of us were like, bro, you can take my car, because he didn't have one at the time. He was like, what, I got to get on the bus like this?

We were like, no, just take my keys, bro. It's okay. It's just up the road. And he was like, oh. He would think about it, and he's like, guys, I really can't leave the house like this. I can't like what made it funny is to answer your question. He would shave like to the skin and he he he's half Mexican.

So he has like like an olive tone to him. So he would just like baby face, dude, like unlike when a Mexican guy shaves, they go from like 32 to 10. You know what I mean? Like they just they have, you know, it's like baby face. And so just baby smooth, half Mexican skin and then a huge, thick, just square, like right under his nose. Anyway, long story short, no real funny ending to the story. He stayed like that for a few hours and was just kind of panicking because he did have work later that day and none of us would do him a solid we were all reveling in this you know whatever having a good

time uh works called him said he was slow um he just ended up staying inside and getting drunk with us and we played mario kart together and dude there's nothing funner and in that moment one of the funniest things ever to like be playing Donkey Kong against your boy who's toad and you're just like taken into the cleaners and you look over and it's just the biggest

Hitler mustache you've ever seen in your fucking life he's just like bro you're fucking cheating dude you're standing away from the screen and I look back and I'm like, I can't take you fucking seriously. Like, at all. Like, you know, we got to do something

about this, man. We had to just get drunk that night and, you know, doing cocaine. Your buddy asking you for a bump and he has a cowboy Hitler mustache.

Again, just, it lives right in the front of my head for the rest of my life. It might be one of the things I think about when I die. Jay, can I get a bump? And then turning around and just, you know.

Rooting tooting, brother. Got to make the trains run on time. Goddamn. Yeah, anyway. Shout out to Cowboy Hitler. Great joke. Shout out to Cowboy Hitler. Forever and always.

Forever in our hearts Arthur Morgan Hitler Adolf Dutch We will wash this country clean With the blood of those who do not stand for it Dutch You gotta put them on

I'm not gonna go You gotta put them on Anyway It's not a good time to make jokes like that. Right. Yeah. Probably not for you. Right.

Right. Right. Me being. Right. You being a Gentile. Ubermensch. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the word I was looking for. Yeah. You know, Jake, I don't know if you knew this. Hmm. But it's a really serious time in our country. In our country. In our country in our country in our country okay and look democracy has never been under attack like it is right now for sure don't smile this is serious sorry sorry sorry and when you look at what's happening in the world of politics right now if you aren't scared you should be should be if you

ain't scared if you're not scared you should be there are people in this country right now yeah spies and they can run on walls they can hack into safes okay they can dodge laser beams gotcha and some of those people jake right are kids and there's been a particular group of them. Are you talking about the spy kids, Thomas? Indeed I am. They're making movies about them like it's some kind of fucking joke. Yeah, okay. But at the end of the day, these soldiers are treated like regular kids at home.

They eat cereal. They eat pizza. They eat waffles. They eat cereal. They eat pizza. They eat waffles. They eat pancakes. They eat eggs. They eat bacon. They eat sandwiches. They eat tomatoes.

They eat cucumbers. They eat meats. They eat... And people... What do they drink? They drink milk. They drink orange juice. They drink orange juice. They drink apple juice.

They drink pomegranate juice. They drink grape juice. They drink guava juice. They drink watermelon juice. They drink lemon juice. They drink green juice. They drink water. They drink sweet tea.

They drink unsweet tea. They drink black coffee. They drink black coffee with sugar. They drink coffee with cream but no sugar. They drink coffee with sugar and cream. They drink iced coffee. They drink lattes. They drink cappuccinos.

They drink Americanos. They drink drip coffee. They drink frappuccinos. They drink venti frappuccinos. They drink grande frappuccinos. They drink drink frappuccinos. They drink venti frappuccinos. They drink grande frappuccinos. They drink tall frappuccinos. And when you look at where this country is headed, whether it's headed for the gutter or to the roof or to the foundation of the house, we don't know yet. roof or to the foundation of the house, we don't know yet.

But my job is to find attackers, anybody who's doing against democracy. You know what I mean? So you hunt spy children. That's kind of

your rub. I hunt enemies of the earth and democracy i'm i've always been a big ass democracy guy you know that jig yeah every time we talk day one to day one we bonded over our love of mutual shared interest in democracies and and hatred of children spies did you know that gree Greece was the first democratic country? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, they founded it.

They founded everybody getting their fair say in how the country was run. Right. I think that's really cool. And did you know that America was built on the foundation of democratic republic?

I did not know that. that's another awesome fact something i learned the other day interesting um in history and i was actually hunting down a child who was anti-american and i was had to go undercover as a little boy so i was in american history class fourth grade and let me tell you man you do such a great job of looking less than 24 years old probably you really it's a really good job for you you do a great job yeah so i was in little boy class and it was almost rec, which is our favorite class. That's a little kid joke. If you're a kid, you'll get that. And so that's Omos Recess, and we're getting ready, and this kid turns over to me.

And she says, I'm going to jump rope later. And I say, okay. Sick. What did you do this week? Man, nothing. We just talked, you know, or like 10 minutes, 20 minutes ago.

Yeah. Yeah, I fucking drove around town, you know, in the fiance's car. Yeah, because you don't have one, so it was probably your fiance's car. Do you know those bumper stickers that say locally hated? Yeah, I fuck with those. Dude, I never understood. In Pasadena, it was like that was that was you got a lowered like mid 2000 Chevy and you just

dropped it. It just means Mexican. See I thought that and I think that you're right for the most part but I like I the other day well not the other yeah the other day I saw two within like a 10 minute span it's like in the Matrix when he sees the two black cats,

and they're like, oh, God, we got to get the fuck out of here. Two lowered 2006 GMCs, locally hated across the side with the Instagram, and I was like, those are Mexican guys. Pull up on them, just two white dudes. Sideways hats, you know what i mean um but more proof um for me as i spoke earlier about the affliction thing i feel like the last 20 years or so we're back in 2004 like right after 9-11 iraq war afghanistan's hot as hell um

we're back baby a john mayer cold play grizzly bear phoenix american animal collective the strokes shove it up your ass we're back to new metal and white guys driving lower trucks that say locally hated anyway i feel like i'm back to like 2010 you think so for me i've been looking at salvage jeans i've been i've been drinking instant coffee yeah okay i don't know if that's a i don't know i think that's you're just describing like how you've been since i've known you i've just been wearing blue denim i've been drinking nest cafe i've been watering my plants you know a super 2010 no i've been drinking coconut milk lately. That's new for me. Okay. But is that something a 2010 guy would do?

That's kind of something I've been doing, really. But, you know, what else? 2010. I've been. See, that's the kind of era that I think got erased the last year or so. It's like, yeah, animal collectors. I feel like people used to make fun of hipsters and hipsters were absolved eventually because like the like the moving

like the moving to new york thing and all like like the gentrification stuff is still like i feel like the gentrification stuff was mostly like cast on the people like the the people doing it you know what i mean and now it's like mostly on the companies and also like certain stuff like collecting vinyl you know like being like a foodie used to be like frowned upon now everybody's one you know what i mean i was just saying hipsters the thing about them is is that they were all like upwardly mobile for the most part that's how you afforded a thousand dollars a month in vinyl and a fucking like a fixed gear in New York City

so like the the facade of poverty has always been something that like yuppies do like they do slumming or whatever but now I feel like there's not as much disposable income so the hipster died and now everybody just dresses like you know

your dad's friend big jim and big jim loves fucking creed and he works on an old you know fucking chevelle in his backyard and he once a year the cops get called for domestic dispute like everybody dresses like that uh and that's cool and then white trash stuff is back i saw a fucking video it had like a half a million likes or some shit it was like we're white trash um we go to one bar called mike's ice house and like we're white and they like weren't white trash they were like cross punks there's a fucking difference and i think maybester, whatever type of person became a hipster 10 years ago, that's because they had disposable income and there was money to go around maybe.

2013, you know, a couple years after the financial crisis, everybody was doing, you know, it's pretty shitty, but they got into tech. Now everybody's kind of fucked financially. So what's cool and what's counterculture is being white trash which sucks for me because i just you know you just did you do it when it's not cool and now it's cool so i'm like fuck creed's cool seether's cool now fucking deftones is cool now that was shit you listen to when you like fucking you're on your third dui in like six months time coming home from galveston just trying to get back to pass it get down dina baby you know what i mean

yeah i think you're cool jake thanks buddy i appreciate that you know what i mean um um oh yeah to cap off the locally hated thing i think that just means that you are a sexual abuser that's that's that's why i have it i was that's what i was going with that is i i took one look at those two guys and i was like oh you people you think people think about you all the time probably because you i don't know like knocked up a girl and she got pregnant and then you were like fuck i gotta move towns you know what i mean uh and then you were like, fuck, I got to move towns. You know what I mean? And then you just did that.

I'm going to put one and put universally loved. In the same like sideways font with your Instagram handle. Deal with it. Everybody else loves me, motherfucker. Universally loved. Universally loved. Your Instagram handle with, like, the Instagram logo, it usually says, like, you know, like, dart underscore cat,

or, like, it has, like, the engine, you know, like Jimmy Five-O. Yours is, like, Big Sweetie. The Best Hugger. God's Youngest Son. God's Happiest Most Loved Little Boy underscore 292. Professional Ker. That's what... Professional kisser.

That doesn't necessarily imply that you're universally loved. In fact... Everybody loves me. Everybody wants to kiss me. Everybody, because I'm the professional kisser. Kissing on everybody. Universally loved, underscore professional kisser. Kissing on everybody. Universally loved. Underscore professional kisser. Underscore

kissing on everybody. Underscore biggest hugger. Underscore healthy tongue. Underscore bright teeth. Underscore fresh breath. I'm going to get one that says long circumcised dick. In old English. It's like the arch across the...

Circumcised. Yeah, like how it says fucking, you know, like Tamalipas or like the place in Mexico where it comes from. Circumcised. It's like a beautiful, arched Old English across the back window. That'd be sick. Dude, if you get the C, it'd be very funny if you don't spend any money to get the C10 fixed, but you do spend, like, 200 bucks on, like, a custom window decal,

and you throw it on just so it just sits in the backyard like that. Yeah. Long, circumcised. Yeah, I go to it just sits in the backyard like that yeah yeah long i go i go yeah i go to sell it and it's like it's like yeah i call this thing the tasmanian devil zero to 60 and a half a second you just got to replace the engine and transmission let me show you the sticker i got you're messaging the guy that's like oh yeah this is this is tasmanian devil oh yeah fast and loud ain't it uh nah it causes a big mess in my backyard that i don't feel like cleaning up oh yeah it means it's endangered right now either you buy

it or it goes to the junkyard either you buy it or I set the motherfucker on fire. Dude, if you get fucking 20-inch chrome spinners, you drop it like a foot, you get circumcised, but you spend like $12,000, but you don't get the transmission fixed. You murder it the fuck out in the backyard. You do everything that you're supposed to do to that truck. then you know like you're taking pictures of it on instagram posting it like maybe you get a little bit of like a car culture instagram following all right damn am i gonna see you at the next meet brother no transmission oh shit did she go out on you haven't had one in it in six years doesn't run doesn't turn over damn why did you how much money you spend making it look nice

twenty eight thousand dollars can you believe it that's just steel i got all this shit yeah it i have it like trailer to shows and then the hood is popping there's just nothing in there dude that's so good you park it next to all the other lowered they've got like you know like the LS3 and like the coyote like the Ford 5.0 coyote engine in it with fucking supercharges like cold air intakes chrome everything and you just

you're like that's pretty nice they're like oh man you getting it trailered up here you worried about the mileage yeah yeah I don't I don't want to put anything on it, you know. Wow. Pop the hood, baby. Let me see what you got. I don't know if you're ready for it.

It's just like a fucking dead possum, like an engine bay. It's just Otis and Lily in there. Just hanging out. He's got his mouse. He's just going ape shit. This thing's running off two old kitty cats, brother. That's what I'm talking about. They love it in here.

Dude, how much money did you spend making this thing show ready? It's not about the money. It's about the culture. Yeah, I bought a sick-ass fucking 18-wheeler. Half a million dollars on a Peterbilt. Yeah. Everybody in the car scene in Fort Worth is just begging you. They're writing letters

to your house and mailing you pipe bombs. Just put a fucking junkyard transmission in the truck. You won't do it. Dude, they're $2,000. An install takes half a day. Just fucking do it. Once again, we are asking you to put a transmission in

and remove the giant decal that says black guy on the back. Why do you have that? It's not even disrespectful. It just doesn't make sense. That's an FBI negotiator saying that to you from the other side of the street. Sir, please take

the... Get out from the back of the truck. Please take big black guy cool hugger off the street. Sir, please take the... Okay, get out from the back of the truck. Please take big black guy cool hugger off the back. World's longest tongue is not allowed on the back of the truck. Take it off. Sir, you do not have the world's longest tongue that belongs to the giraffe.

Professional kisser needs to come off the back at this moment, sir. Hey, man, I'm trying to do you a favor. I'm the negotiator. Look, we don't want to send the SWAT team in, alright? What we want you to do, and we'll go home after this, take off the sticker that says

medium dick. Take it off. We don't need to see that. Please remove the novelty license plate that says the Rissler on the back of your C-10, young man. Please take off the decal that says Comchumper. That doesn't mean anything. Comchumper? What's a chumper of anything? Never in my 22 years at the FBI have I ever seen such a grotesque miscarriage of justice.

Sir, please remove the decal of me sucking your dick. I'm not even quite sure how you got that. It's a caricature. It evokes irritation for me as it points out my large ears and small penis. Why is he sucking your dick? Please remove the decal of you sucking my dick. I was going to say, why are just his pants off? He's got his FBI suit on, but no pants, and he's sucking your dick.'s got his fbi suit on but no pants he's sucking your dick they're 69ing oh okay okay all right there's another gay guy too and he's fucking jake

you're running out of window space man they don't have big back windows and jake's penis is huge it takes up the whole front windshield nice there we go yeah keep this and it's in it's in a dog's ass no take this sticker off Keep the sticker. And it's in a dog's ass. No, take the sticker off. No. I'm like at the fucking interrogation, like the negotiation for some reason. I hear the FBI guy.

It seems we're looking at a sticker of Jacob Rhodes, San Marcos, Texas. He's got a huge penis on him. Nice. And it is in a puppy dog's ass. Fuck, no. Take the sticker off now, no! It's deep inside a big booty dog, but still obviously a huge dick. I just kind of shrug.

I'm like, well, I take what I can get, you know what I mean? Big booty BBL dog taking white man's dick like a champ. Hmm. The negotiator, like, starts taking your side. Honestly, I, uh, this never happened before,

but I'm gonna have to go, I'm gonna have to side with the young man with the, uh, with the window decal that says circumcised black guy and then, uh,

Jacob Rhodes fucking a BBL dog. I'm gonna have to take there's a real hostage situation down the road but this is much more fun to deal with so at the moment we're leaving that guy just radio silence it's your next door neighbor it's like he just has his family tied up in the living room yeah that would be uh that'd be awesome yeah i don't uh what is it what is it like what are you thinking like it actually would cost to just put like a junkyard trans is it the transmission or the engine too yeah uh it's transmission and i

believe the water pump as well and uh i think maybe the engine. But the thing is, though, well, also, probably the battery also. And also, I broke the wiper mount trying to take it off. I might have an exhaust leak.

I'm pretty sure I do have an exhaust leak. Because whenever I turn it on, I get dizzy, but anyway, and also, maybe the whole engine, because it was white smoking pretty bad, but, and, well, what else, oh, and also, the driver's side lock, The driver's side lock, sometimes if you lock it from the outside, you have to unlock it from the passenger side and then crawl across the bench seat to unlock it from the inside. So you have a saw trap in your back. And also the door panel on the driver's side is sort of just held on by like one screw okay okay okay okay and also

the transmission i uh i think i i took off the pan mostly and i just threw the bolts away oh i remember you telling me that you were like yeah i tried to fix it i think i threw away like five very critically important bolts. I thought there were a lot more of them than there were. It turned out there were. I love just getting in way over your head, not even close to where your head's at. It's so fun to like. Just losing like 10 grand instantly. Yeah, well, money-wise, yes but like you're like yeah yeah

no i could youtube this for sure and then like it's not even in the same fucking ballpark it's not even in the same sport anymore like i was like i'm looking at these old like fucking night like late late 80s camaro ss's z28s they're like three or four grand. And I'm like, all right, that's fine. I just need something to get around. And I'm not going to be driving this fucking thing too much. When I say that, I drive literally all. I go to you. I do stand up.

Go to Houston pretty often. Yeah, I drive to Houston literally constantly. Like, I drive so much. But all of them are like, yeah, you know, fucking torque converter's bad. Master cylinder's fucked up. That's why I'm letting it go for 25. And I'm like, dude, I know what those two things are. Like, for sure.

Yeah, torque converter's, like, not a big deal. It's not like you have to, like, drop the transmission and everything. Yeah. Well, I have a false sense of confidence because my buddy Chad, he flips JDM. Like, he flips JDM. He's like a Japanese car guy and really, really good at it, but doing literally his whole life and does insane things with these cars. It's really, really cool.

He was like, yeah, I got a hoist, and we can get it up in the air. He's got his own little shop now or whatever. I was texting him about this shit I've been looking at, and he's like, dude, you can just bring it by my place. He lives in Conroe. But my brain doesn't fucking register the problem. It registers the pleasure. You know what I mean?

Like, it registers the good. Like, in my mind, I'm like, okay, Conroe is five out, four and a half hours from me. That's not what I'm thinking about. My buddy has a hoist. And he can get the car up in the air. And by we, I mean 95% Chad, 5% Jake. He could put a transmission in the Camaro. He could put an LS3 in there, the ones from the Corvette. It's no problem.

We could both do that. And then I could have a fucking street racing car um and you know my buddy he would gladly accept like 40 dollars for all for all of that labor when he used to work on my impala dude um i've known him since we were like eight years old i had one of the 2008 like impala ss's they're pretty nice you know they're just like the fleet impala but it had like you know the upgraded engine or whatever and uh he would come over and like my car be overheating or it wouldn't start or whatever uh and he'd you know get it running like a top or whatever and he'd kind of do the whole like well she's running good and then we both just both just stand there, and I'd be like, dude, I have –

it's crazy how much money I've got right now, Chad. Like, I really – he'd be like, ah, six-pack alone, sir. That'll do it. And, you know, I'd pay him in beer. But I feel like that's something you do when you're, like, 20. You know what I mean? Like, if I brought my buddy a junk car from a Facebook marketplace and I was like, put a transmission in it, put a fucking big-ass engine in it, maybe like an intake or something, and then I gave my buddy six warm Lone Stars, he would shoot me in the chest and have every fucking right to do it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's okay, though. Yeah. I mean, hey. Hey, what are you going to do? What can you do? What are you going to Hey. Hey, what are you going to do? What are you going to do, Jake? What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

You know, I think what we should do is we sell the Honda, we sell the C10, we sell Ashley's car, We sell Ashley's car. We sell Rick's car. Okay. I like where your head's at. Yes. The four of us with our combined credit scores, we go four ways in on a Corvette timeshare. Just cut it in half and then just ship the engine to Fort Worth

in the back. No, everybody gets it for one week out of the month. Okay, all right. I don't hate that. Yeah. And then everybody, and then when it's your week, if something goes wrong, it's entirely on you. You get it back after my week and it's just filled with like Whataburger bags, fucking Zen Pouch canisters. and uh and every month we have to get one new um tire for it okay

we're talking about a car that probably has like like 800 a month in may you know what i mean just like oil change on that you know i remember when we first started making like, I think like right when we cracked like right under 2K. I was at Ashley's parents and I remember, I think I texted you. I was like looking at the new Stingrays, like the ones that look like hypercars, you know, like $120,000.

And I was doing the math. I was like, all right, we have 615 credit score, zero money down. What will my payments be for over eight years? Oh, $1,800. And I was looking at the Patreon, and I was like, he probably wouldn't. Just the kind of thoughts you have that you don't. It's like the fun intrusive thoughts, not the bad ones.

The bad ones are like you're on the freeway. You're going to hit the meeting and kill yourself. Or like you're at the mall, and you're like oh i could you know kick that old lady in the head the good intrusive thoughts is like how how long could my friend go without a payout of his the show that we are in together before he realized something was a mess and i and i show i'm showing up to your house with a cherry red like 2022 camaro whatever the fuck. I'm like, wow, that's awesome. Yeah, dude, honestly, I feel like if it was like a certain season of your life, like around winter, you'd be like, damn, man, things are looking up for you, dude. It'd take you a couple weeks to, I don't know, maybe like,

actually you're really good with money. You'd be like, it's just eyes just go blood red. Now I would, if I saw you, if I see you pull up in a sports car, eyes just go blood red. Now I would. If I see you pull up in a sports car, I know something has happened. None of it good. There's no. I know two weeks from whenever you get that car, it's going to be finding some pinch hitters because you are in jail.

And that's okay you know i would understand i think ever i think every man should be allowed a few weeks out of his life to be insane yeah i don't just me for sure well because i i do believe just to like certain degree that like unless you're like uh like that whole huff and puff that the right-wing incel guys do. Nobody cares about men's emotions. Nobody listens to men. It's like that... It's a little true.

But I don't think you get to be mad at women about it or gay guys or immigrants. They have nothing to do with each other. Yeah, because a lot of gay guys really help out straight guys. You know what I mean? immigrants. They have nothing to do with each other. Yeah, because a lot of gay guys really help out straight guys. You know what I mean? They do. They help them out in all sorts of cool-ass ways. Yeah, like whether it's

at work, whether it's at the grocery store, bowling alley. I mean, gay guys are there for straight guys when you wouldn't expect it. I don't think... I think a lot of women don't understand that. They start calling you while you're at work, stuff like that, saying, where are you?

This is the second business trip this month. I don't understand. I still have your location on. Why is it at – You said you were at Panera, but it says the Rainbow Lounge. And then I have to explain. There's a Panera in the Rainbow Lounge, and that's where I eat my bagels all night. You told me that you're going golfing.

I see you're at the Pipe Room, which is. I'm at the Pipe Room. That's where I get my golf clubs. Shut up. I got to get my driver at the Pipe Room. I'm hanging out at the fucking. I'm at a business meeting. Listen.

At the Slip and Dip Tavern. I'm getting my oil changed at getting fucked in your ass and mouth club. Yeah, that's where I didn't name the mechanic. It was his idea. It's not my business. I told you me to buy my business. I told him. Do you want me to buy this business? Because I will. Listen, I texted the guy.

I was like, hey, I need to come get the oil changes on my wife's Camry. I just want to make sure I'm going to mechanic and not some sort of gay brothel. And he said, no, this is my dad's business. Getting fucked in your ass and mouth mechanic shop. Just outside Tuscaloosa. I was like, great. Okay, that makes sense. That's like great okay though that makes sense you know that's fine i believe that and i buy that so you should calm down honey

i got us the two queens hotel room so that we could so that we would have both have room yeah we sleep in different i thought it was i thought it was for it meant for two people i didn't want a one king size bed because then it'd be one smaller bed right yeah we i don't we sleep in different beds because i know that you like to stretch out when you sleep i can either get two rooms one with with one king size bed in each or one room with two queens and i figure i'd get the one room with two queens because it's cheaper than the kings because we only need one bathroom so that's what i got it for honey honey listen i'm a straight man and nobody cares about my problems i have to go to the pipe room to play golf look i'm I'm helping my uncle. He's a farmer.

I have to be gone this whole summer. I'm in Atlanta at my uncle's farm in Atlanta, Georgia, in the heart of downtown Atlanta. We have to reap. He has a vertical farm in downtown Atlanta. My uncle was sowing all spring. I have to go help him reap. Just like, just casually texting you. You're like, hey, how's your weekend, man?

Dude, I spent the whole time fucking reaping, bro. Fuck, dude. That's fucking... Man, honestly, dude. It's been a bad weekend. Why did you get fucked up? You say something stupid. Dude, honestly, bro to bro. I spent, like, the whole weekend reaping. Dude, I was honestly like I hate sowing, but once I get to the reaping part, I'm like, all right.

I'm like, all right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm more of a, Thomas is more of a reapist. Yeah. That's what my long line of reapers. I come from a long line of reapers. You heard of the Graham Reaper?

I'm the happy ass reaper. I like oats and shit. That's me. You might see me on that field just having a good-ass time. Woo-hoo! I come up behind you, I might be doing a prank. See me in that white-ass veil. Keep my suntan protected.

Just like not like... No black hood, no big scythe. Just like a fucking tiki drink with the umbrella. Like a cup of Nutella overnight oats. Hey, what up? It's time to die. I hate... Hey, motherfucker, it's your time to go.

You're still the skeleton. You're just like fucking Tommy Bahama shirt, Club Masters, overnight oats. Hey, listen. It's me, the ghost of jimmy buffett it's me the happy happy ass reaper i'm a happy ass hey listen uh uh you 88 years old and you old as hell and your bones got fucking hella cancer so we're gonna take y'all sick ass down to the sticks and see what the fuck going on with your old ass i'm sorry i'm late i just got off work i just seen this sick ass baby over here i figured i'd take it to life

all right come on now get up in the get up in the car i'm about to first first off i gotta stop i'm burger king i'm getting a milkshake that's a fresh then we take this baby to hell that's a fresh ass baby you got if it ain't baptized to hell. That's a fresh ass baby you got. If it ain't baptized, I'm taking this stupid ass to hell. You understand? Oh, what's that? Your eldest? Your firstborn?

Oh, he's getting into drugs, ain't he? I heard there's a curse going around. It's called fentanyl. I'm taking this fucking sleepy ass to hell. Bye-bye. Damn. What happened to the Grim Reaper? Oh, that's my brother

He depressed as shit He's stupid as fuck He do the same job He got a lot going on right now So he asked if I could fill in for him While he sort his life out He grim as hell He not doing too good

Hope y'all having a good ass day I'm about to reap some shit I'm about to take some salt Hope y'all have a good ass day I take your eldest boy Y'all have a good ass day i take your eldest boy uh you know y'all have a y'all have a good ass day except for you i take you die today you did any y'all ever put peanut butter in your oats i know i'm taking your baby but i figured before i walk out the door you could

tell me i like reaping i've been reaping i get been getting green beans and shit I've been I've been reaping up apples I've been reaping Barleys And shit Wheat I made a barley stew Lentils

I fuck with lentils Hops I've been making different types of ales At the house Yeah I've been fucking with greens Hey thanks for having me. I'm a happy-ass Reaper. Y'all be easy.

I'm the happy-ass Reaper. Hey, can I take your dog? I handle the dogs, too. Not just the guys. I take the dog. It's me. The Black Reaper. Wait, hold on a second.

Hold on. Wait. The Grim Reaper wears a black cloak and he's a white skeleton. You are a black skeleton in a white cloak. I'm not even a figure. I'm a guy. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

I hold no power. I'm from Mackinac Island. I'm just fucking, I'm a motherfucker. I'm a Mackinac Island I'm a motherfucker I'm a black reaper I drive a Honda Odyssey And I like to go to I like to go to the gas station And I like to eat all the chimichangas

Hey thanks black reaper Thanks for swinging by man I appreciate it I thought maybe you were going to take one of my family members Maybe you were some harbinger of death, perhaps. But as it turns out, you're just a guy from Mackinac Island who drives a Honda. No. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye, Black Reaper. See you around, brother. Hey, it's me. I'm the snack. I'm the snack sleeper. Oh, hey, what's... You've heard of the Grim Reaper? I'm the snack sleeper. Oh, hey, what's... You've heard of the Grim Reaper? I'm the snack sleeper.

I like to eat a little apple slice before I go to bed. That's awesome, man. Thanks for swinging by, too. Yeah, I'm at your house. I guess we're all going to your house, and that's how you're meeting all of us. Yeah, you... It's like a Christmas store, except you didn't do nothing wrong. We're not here to teach you anything.

It's just a bunch of people visiting you.'t do nothing wrong. We're not here to teach you anything. It's just a bunch of people visiting you. Well, the happy-ass reaper was here. I'm here to drop off seven almonds for you to have as a snack. That's awesome. I'm a snacky reaper, snacky sleeper, and then I'm going to take a nap. That's no problem, man. I really thought after encountering the happy-ass reaper and then the black reaper that somebody was going to die in my family here at this Christmas party. But Snacky Sleepers is, okay, he's sleeping.

Okay. Hey, it's me. I'm back. I'm the fucking happy-ass reaper. Hey, happy-ass reaper. How you doing, man? You're not here. Hey, do you remember your friend Seth you went to elementary school with?

Yeah, I remember Seth, man. He's doing good. He's got a baby now. Yeah. I just picked up his whole family. Damn, they all died? It's crazy, crazy. Yeah, he killed all of them.

He killed himself after that. Oh, package deal. That's sick. Well, thank you. Yeah, it's crazy because there was nothing wrong with him. I just came out and messed with his brain, and made him do it. Oh, you. I was funny.

I meant to do some other shit. I meant to pick a papaya today, and I forgot, and I made Seth Brian. Brian Seth. You made Seth Brian Seth kill his whole family, the whole Brian Seth family. Seth Brian Seth. Yeah, the whole Brian Seth family. Yeah, yeah. That's unfortunate's unfortunate man but I'm glad to hear that you're doing mentally good as the happy-ass Reaper I feel like

based on your you know nom de guerre you name your name yourself you you know you can't yeah you can't do bad I guess that's your brother's job no cuz I'm yeah I know I'm the Gator earlier Yeah, I nom-ed the gator earlier. It was delicious. That's awesome, man. When your brother Grim gonna come out the house, man? I know he's been depressed lately.

But he's been doing this shit for like 100 million years. I don't understand. You know what I mean? Grim Reaper, you gotta understand what he's been through. He lost his favorite piece of pumpkin pie. And he set it down and I eat it. Oh, so you're the one that made him all depressed. He doesn't want to do his job. I made him all depressed and then i killed his uh i killed his

mom you killed your mom the brother of the grim reaper you killed your own mother i mean i guess you are a reaper you do reap i used to i used this mom used a sniper rifle okay all right for farm it was a farming sniper why sometimes i shoot shoot the wheat sometimes. Yeah. To get it down, and then it was an accident. So what did Mama Reaper do? My mom, she dressed up for Thanksgiving.

She dressed up as a piece of wheat. She was out in the field. I fucked up. I was reaping out there. Well, I mean, I understand that it's in your nature. I shot her head clean off with a 7.62. You're sort of obligated by unseen forces to reap, hence the name. Yeah, that's how I was born.

It's unfortunate that you had to kill Mama Reaper. Yeah, it sucked. I hated it. And you had to eat Grim Reaper's pumpkin pie and fuck his whole day up. It was so, so sad. I had to go eat my brother's pumpkin pie and fuck his whole day up. It's so, so sad. I had to go eat my brother's pie. I ruined his life. And then I stole a piece of paper from his printer, and he never noticed.

But now you get to take the souls to heaven or hell. What did you... Yeah, sometimes I don't even look. I just take them straight to hell. It's funny. Damn, that's not a fair shake. Everybody's supposed to get a fair shake at this, I thought. You know what I mean?

Like, everybody's supposed to have... Yeah, it's fair because everybody goes to hell. Heaven empty as fuck right now. Is the devil pissed about this at all? Or is he? I mean, I figured maybe, you know, he's happy about it, seeing as, you know, he... I don't know. I don't even drop

them off directly to hell. I drop them off like three quarters of the way. I say go that way, it's hell. Don't go this other way, it's heaven. Oh, okay, okay. And you lie to them i drop them off like three quarters of the way i say go that way it's hell don't go this other way it's heaven oh okay okay and you lie to them and they're like oh they and they're gonna say oh i'm gonna it's like reverse psychology and then they go to hell and they don't go to heaven you do that type of trickery on them is the happy no they always go to the heaven way oh so they go to so they do go to heaven you lied to me yeah but it takes to take some long oh okay so maybe some of them turn around i don't know the trip's too long so you walk back to hell it's about it's about three miles to heaven dude i could absolutely see one of

us dying and then like you know fucking uh who's a motherfucker river sticks is like all right you weren't bad but you weren't good either so here's the deal you're about a five mile walk from hell you're a 200 mile walk from heaven it's hot your balls are chafing. You just got off a 15-hour shift. You got no water. And all around you is playing fucking the Pete Buttigieg election song, High Hopes. If you can get through that, you can get to heaven. But just know hell is like maybe like an hour walk. I would absolutely 100% probably just walk to hell. I'm not doing all that.

Yeah. walk i would absolutely 100 probably just walk to hell i'm not doing all that yeah i will probably just chill in between spot well happy as reaper i mean the thing the thing about you is is that you're not a fair guy i don't even know why they call you the happy reaper really i mean you are definitely yeah i'm i'm happy with my what I've done with my life you're just taking innocent souls to hell babies yeah I don't even know what it's like there yeah I don't know the difference

between that and heaven I was I'm not that qualified for the job yeah yeah on LinkedIn I said I was my first name was Graham

and then they don't do social security and shit cause I'm an alien yeah you're a lowly spiritual figure you know you you you're not like an angel or archangel or nothing like that or a throne or a cherub hell no seraphim or uh

what are the other i think that's all the angels i was originally see i was cast out from heaven and i was when i was there i wasn't even an angel i was a curtain yeah i just i was in the throne room they threw me out. They did a big-ass blast, and I ended up coming down. They did a big-ass blast. They did a big-ass blast, get all the devils out, and I was just a curtain. I didn't do much at all. God let the chopper sing to get Lucifer out the crib.

I was a curtain. Yeah, he did a big-ass magic blast and fucked everything up. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I wasn't even like a lower prince of hell. I'm not even an archangel. Not a seraphim, nothing. I just, I sometimes I just wish I could go home and be a curtain anchor. See, I don't like, honestly, I talk a big game, Thomas and Jake, but I fucking hate reaping, dog. It's, it's, it's.

Reaping shit ain't for me. I had to pretend I killed my own mom earlier. I made that up. I was trying to seem cool. I'm a curtain. All I know how to do is billow. Loki, you asked me to filter

some shit or like be a hiding place. Yeah, I'm good for that. But I can billow. low but picking souls reaping eating oats i do i do i do fuck with oats so i lied about that uh if i go back to being a curtain i hope they let me have a mouth so i can eat dust so i can eat so I can eat oats and suck dick again Wait again Hold on

What were you Whenever I drop off Whenever I drop off a guy So you do take souls I thought you said you weren't Yeah I do that I only drop off hot guys I'm a gay curtain I'm a gay off hot guys I'm a gay curtain

I'm a gay curtain Happy ass reaper I'm the gay I'm the gay ass reaper Oh I lied about I'm not a curtain I'm actually just the gay ass reaper I'm the gay curtain ass reaper

I'm a gay curtain ass reaper And I was a curtain And they did a big ass blast And now I'm just a gay ass reaper They did a big ass blast And it fucking blew the shit out of me And I didn't get to be having any more so this is what it is of me and it's unfortunate but the thing about it is the thing about it is is that as the gay ass curtain reaper um sick i was even aged i was a curtain where they uh when how did you picture uh you went to sunday school and shit right

yeah how did you how did they depict like the casting of the devil out or how did you like it was like it was like in my head it was like court or something same i thought it was like uh it was like a courtroom but like there was like a trial and then god was like and then he like went through the clouds and then into the ground and then like burrowed into the ground because of the force like you know like he like fell at like the terminal velocity of the devil and then into the ground and then like burrowed into the ground because of the force like you know like he like fell at like the terminal velocity of the devil and then into the core of the earth where he lived

that's how it existed in my head that's cool thanks man I appreciate it yeah that's a cool ass perspective damn Jake got a badass perspective. Did you guys hear about that? He's such a cocksucker.

He thought God fucking force pushed a million angels into hell. When in reality, he used the power of democracy. Yeah, it comes full circle, baby. All the way. That's called a callback in the industry. I don't know. Damn. Yeah, because there's Lucifer, Beelzebub, and fucking AOC, I remember.

Yeah. Yeah, Belial. Yeah, yeah. AOC, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, The Squad, you know. Yeah. Those are all demon names. You know, a real president's name is Buck... Fucker. Buck Dent.

Hey, my name's Buck Fucker, and this is my vice president, Buck Dent. My name is Bag Boulder. I'm running for president because I want a real America. Yeah, I want no gays. I'm a representative from Montana. And I believe in big and small government, small boobs, and small children. children you you hire me be a president i'll have the smallest shoes of any president there's ever been i wear a size three shoe but i got a big heart uh thanks for coming to the debates big bowl big boulder out of montana uh thank you for My name is Beg Boulder. Oh, Beg Boulder.

Okay. Beg Boulder. So your platform is... Big... Free... Free taxes. No healthware. Big government. You said big government, small government.

Interesting to see how you square that circle. Small boobs and small children. It's a solid platform for all of the children and itty-bitty-titty committees in the House. But I am interested to see what your stance is on having both a big government and a small government. How do you plan on having that? There's nothing bigger than a small government. Next question. All right. Sorry. having that there's nothing bigger than a small government next question all right sorry sorry big I had somebody sent me a funny meme on my phone I bet

you millennial free break is always probably looking at a picture of balls beg we're on CNN. Come on, watch your tongue. I'm looking at a picture of... You're looking at a picture of... I'm looking at a picture of a Frappuccino from Starbucks. Yeah, with an iPhone garnish. Yeah, I hear they're making a new Starbucks drink. Did you hear about it? No, Begg, Boulder. Tell the people.

Yeah, it's called a Grande Jinder. Very good, Begg. Did you hear about it? No, Beg Boulder. Tell the people. It's called a Grande Gender. Very good, Beg. Thank you. It comes with a side of pronouns. No straw. Very good, Beg Boulder. Thank you so much. We're going to shoot things over to Buck Dent. Buck Dent, how do you respond to your opponent, Beg Boulder,

on his issues of big government, small government, small boobs, and small children. My name's Buck Dent. I think there's nothing worse than a white man running for a black office. There's nothing about the office that's black, Buck. Oh, my apologies. I had on my darkest sunglasses i use for the night

buck i'm not gonna lie to you man i'll put on a pair of aviator sunglasses every night to help me sleep and i use black lead paint to make sure i can't see nothing out of them so if i sleepwalk then i can't see anything red. Buck, I'm not going to lie to you, man. Your voice is so grating I'm considering disqualifying you from the presidency. Look, I've got the most normal voice anybody owns.

I swallowed a sparrow on my way here and it's crashed me all the way down. I swallowed a sparrow. My voice isn't like this normally. I swallowed a sparrow and I had the biggest beak of any

sparrow I've ever seen. The old RFK Jr. trick. And its beak was as long as a toucan. And it scratched me and when it got down to my stomach, it started humping my stomach, and then I started digesting the cum from it.

Buck, I'm not going to lie to you, man. I really don't like you. You just ain't... You don't like my voice. You don't love it. No, it's not only the voice. The things you're saying... I honestly, at this point,

it's not even a power vested in me. I'm building a government based on small buildings that we will build for only dogs to live in that's and they will be in your backyard so you're going to build dog houses that's your big plan for, you've probably read my plan. No, I just... You described it as a novelty when it's existed for a while, Buck. You're not... Right, because it's already coming into play. Oh, so your plan's been in motion since the doghouse was invented.

That's... Right, I invented it. Very good. And we will be seeing more of them. Okay, very, very good. of it. Very good. And we will be seeing more of them. Okay. Very, very good. Well, in between the two

candidates, Buck Dent and Begg Boulder, you've got a choice between both small and big government, small boobs and small children. Decide if that's a world you want to live in or the world of Buck Dent where it's

just everything's the same, but there are more dog houses, I guess. And you can go and vote for one of these men on patreon.com slash pendejotime. Ain't that right, Beg Boulder? Yes, I'm the girl candidate. My name is Boobs Titties, and if you go to patreon.com slash pandejo time. She wins.

I'm going to give the whole country a blowjob with my big fat lady mouth. 280 electoral votes, 99% of the popular vote. Boobs. I'm so glad I got on my big purple boob dress, and I love this country. You go over to patreon.com slash penteo time $5 a month will get you a free episode every week with an additional paid episode every

weekend. $10 a month gets you access to our backlog of video episodes and check us out on Instagram, Twitter, subscribe to the YouTube and we're on TikTok. I got to start making TikToks again, but I hate myself so it's hard.

And check us both out on Twitter. Jake Broads, Leno Killer. And also, I was on Out for Smokes like this last week, so that'll be out soon. Check out Out for Smokes. You do get Discord with it, too. All right, so that'll be out soon. Check out Out for Smokes. You do get Discord with it, too. All right, I've been Wolf Blitzer. That was Madam President Boobs Titties, Beck Boulder. I'm Boobs Titties, and y'all have a great weekend.

All right, bye, Boobs Titties.