Pendejo Time - head fast baptist church

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

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Breaking news, I'm just getting word from our reporter in the field that Thomas has a stinky little wet winky and he uses it to clean the grout of his bathroom floors because it's so tiny and wet. To you Thomas, for your input. You know, I've been out in the field here for a few hours now, Jake, and I haven't heard any of that. In fact, they're saying it's so big that I have to use it to clean the main part of the tile. And it's dry, so I have to add cleaning solution to it, but I just apply it to the middle and bottom part of the shaft, and it doesn't even hit the tip, and it doesn't even sting the end of my winky because I have a lot of size to work with and that's it also doesn't curve any particular way so i can use it in a straight line okay uh i'm

getting i'm getting word that this is uh that that what you're providing to us is false information. Jake, you're cutting out. So we have an expert on. We're going to bring him on the phone. He is a winky expert, and he has some feedback to provide for you. Yeah, I took a look at the data, and it says that you did it so fucked up looking and tiny that you use it to clean the, like, get in the drain like a snake. So it's curled up like a pig's tail, but it's about half an inch wide. Now, it is really long. So you got that there.

But it's got bristles, too, on it. That's what we've gathered. Well, Mr. Expert, the previous evidence was saying I could use it to clean grout. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but a corkscrew would not work to clean grout, correct? Unless you had corkscrew grout, which I have not seen in my many years working construction. Forgive me if I'm wrong on that regard. We were receiving news that our previous information was incorrect, but the current one that we have is 100% verifiably true. Well, it's just funny to me that, you know, who's reporting that it's wet?

Because how is it being wet helping a drain? It's just going to be slippery, correct? No. Then you can't use it as a snake. It's covered in like a viscous, sticky fluid. And I feel that, well, with a corkscrew design, any fluid would spiral off pretty efficiently. No, because it's got bristles on it. It's got like well I

steal wool kind of a texture which is known for drying out pretty well it's got a lot of surface area to dry out on I see what you're trying to do here and I just I just want to let you know that it's fucked up looking and there's nothing you can do about it Jakeake had to get a uh one of those weed doctors to certify him as having an audi penis because no other doctor would do it they all said he had an any penis and you know most medical professionals would say that's an any penis i don't care if it can pop out if it doesn't on its own right right that's an anti now when he was born okay so there were over 15 doctors there in the same room it was a

very overstaffed hospital right and they all helped circumcise him and they they had to they all did it right there as soon as he popped out they did it before they cut they all had to help circumcise him because it was a big because they thought it was it was a bolt cutter because it was so thick right they thought that the umbilical cord had gotten caught in uh some sort of maybe deformed vagina that he had and as it turns out it was uh it was a penis they cut the tip off and it they don't know how they even reached the tip because they had to dig in there and this is by doctors who were involved in science nine Nine out of ten doctors agree. Yeah. That is true. That is true of my body.

Basically, they had to use like a Sawzall. Not because it was, you know, like hardy or whatever, but just, you know, they had to work with what they had. My mom gave birth at a Lowe's. You know, like a Lowe's parking lot. And the midwives were all hired from the parking lot. Right. Their names were Berto, Uberto, Umberto, Roberto, you know, Guatemalan guys.

But, you know, just kind of like, you know, salt of the earth type guys. Right. But I'm here now. I have a successful pod with my friend. Who cares if my pee-pee looks sort like like just sort of the end of a kolache kind of like where the you know where the sausage is kind of hanging out of the you know

a good penis that's useful to a woman when soft will resemble some type of fragile succulent yeah like kind of like the ones you'd keep on a desk. It's not, you know. You can't put it out on the porch. It'll die within minutes somehow.

If you give it water, it dies. But if you don't give it water, it also dies. If you just leave it alone and don't touch it at all, you might get like 10 years of use out of it. Like a year's worth of use out of it. It's the kind of succulent they sell at Albertsons. Succulent always sounded like a naughty word to me. Just like you shouldn't say it.

I use it to describe everything. Like, man, those pancakes were succulent. Dude, if I ever cooked food at your place, and you just put your hand on my shoulder, and you're like, hey, man, those wings are really succulent. You just put your hand on my shoulder and you're like, hey man, those wings are really succulent. I still remember that Rick Ross comment on Wale's Instagram post. Wale posted like a picture of like a roasted turkey or something.

Did he say scrumptious? No, he said, damn, that bitch look astounding. Yeah. Yeah. That fat motherfucker. I have a serious question for you if you had like what do you think would you lean in like if you had the type of of dinger that like it's basically useless like you can't even like take pictures of it for like the internet or whatever to like you know uh like as

you describe it like an any like would you lean into it and would you just sort of like go to the doctor and be like yeah just because you still have like nuts or whatever you know like would you just be like yeah i just get rid of this thing i would just start wearing like a like a sun hat or something i'll just you know kind of fucking roll with it i i mean what can you i think you just i would just try and live my life as normally as i could in other respects try not to kill anybody i think i would have a much worse temper yeah yeah i would try to bottle in i respect i mean there are i mean there are a lot of guys in that position. I remember when I was like, this was in the rotten.com era, probably like 10 or 11.

And my grandma had a desktop computer. As I told you, my dad was showing me like rotten.com and like fucking like Jihadi John video. He's like, isn't this funny? I'm like, yeah, whatever. He showed me this video of an Indian guy who had elephantitis. I had no, I'm not, you know. And he was like, ha ha, this guy, he's got this fucking disease,

this like fucking weird, you know, over there type disease. His words, not mine. Where his nuts are so big he has to sit on them like a fucking beach ball. And I remember being like, that like that uh does it hurt him and my dad was like i fucking would imagine yeah it's not good or whatever but it's pretty funny right and i was like i guess it is funny now you think about it like i guess you know if you if you have some sort of gigantism of your testicular zone like it probably fucks your life up in irreparable ways, you know, and you're probably sort of an unhappy person.

But as kind of a spectator sport event, I would imagine it's kind of, you know, a joyous experience when you show up anywhere in the village or whatever. Having a big dick is stupid, but having huge balls is just funny. Yeah, that's, you're 100. Nothing threatening about it,

just, like, having a cow's balls yeah yeah having like yeah two cantaloupes like just sort of in a purse like between your legs like when people can see your dick through your pants that's not good they don't want to see that what i do want to see some big old happy balls just a big set of dent yeah like it's it's funny to have a normal penis, but, like, yeah, like, just two big honeydews just hanging out. Because that, like, okay. I've often wondered, I would imagine, if you're a bodybuilder, like, your penis probably has to look really fucked up. Like, comparable to the rest of you. Right.

Regardless of steroids. Right. Regardless of steroids. Because you're just, like like a big dude or whatever. But if you just had like a huge set of nuts, like poking out at each side of the bikini bottom, I feel like you could win like, you know, men's classic or whatever. There was this one bodybuilder. This is going to sound weird.

There was this bodybuilder I was looking at on Instagram who, like, I wasn't looking for it, all right? But he wore, like, the fucking bodybuilder shit. Dude, he had a fucking huge dick. Like, that he did not try to hide at all. So he'd be, like, he would be performing feats of strength that were objectively impressive. Right, right, right. But I couldn't, I didn't want to watch them because he had a fucking snake in his pants. You could see the head.

You could see where he was circumcised and stuff. I'm like, dude, you're at the gym. Just wear basketball shorts, for God's sake. Do you need to see your inner thigh that bad while you're doing overhead press? Yeah. There was that guy I was telling you about that was telling highly inappropriate stories at the memorial, like beyond what we were all willing to sort of reminisce about my dad or whatever.

He brought up this kid that went to junior high with my dad and this guy who was mentally disabled, but he had like, like at 13 or 14, had like a 10 plus inch pecker, like Coke can or whatever. And he'd be like, yeah, you know,

we'd make him pull it out and shit at the strawberry festival or whatever. And you know, everybody got mad at us, but I mean, what else are you going to do or whatever? And I was like, that's pretty funny. One of the sort of more interesting takes my dad has,

he's like, God damn, man, you know, there is a God, he's got a wild sense of humor. And I was like, what are you takes my dad has he's like goddamn man you know there is a god he's got a wild sense of humor and i was like what are you talking about he's like well you know what do you want what do you what does a man want in his life money you know you know recognition you know pride or whatever also a man wants a huge ass penis i was like okay you know whatever he's like this motherfucker who can't count to 10 i grew up with him the most he don't know what red is or blue is or whatever don't know what a triangle is he's walking around eighth grade with a 12 inch

cock can't use it and i'm like what were you trying to use it in eighth grade? He's like, no, I mean, not necessarily. But, you know, he's going to grow up. I grew up, you know, and I was probably like 15 when he was telling me the story. He's like, you know, I mean, a guy like me, you know, I'm fucking just a normal guy. You know, grew up, you know, fucking South Party Houston or whatever. Trying to get my dick wet, you know, doing drugs, drinking. And this guy's just trying to fucking fit a square peg into a round hole. But fucking dick size of a Pringles can.

How's that fair? And I'm just like, I don't understand. Amen. So to hear this guy who I hadn't seen, and this guy who I hadn't seen since I was like a kid, confirm that story by being like yeah there was this retarded boy that we uh you know they didn't have the school was small so they didn't have us separated by you know who could read and who couldn't you know he just

was in the gym like the rest of us and so we all go to the showers and you know this kid would be you know wailing and pulling on his hair and shit but uh he had penis the size of a you know, this kid would be, you know, wailing and pulling on his hair and shit. But he had a penis the size of a, you know, fucking summer sausage. Like, what's wrong? What is wrong with you two fundamentally that you're like, your brain doesn't immediately go empathy. It goes, man, I wish I was in that guy's shoes. Kind of like the dude that had the truck that you thought was like on the sex offender register. You're like, I want that guy's life oh yeah it's funny i spent like six months being like yeah he's on the road street for sure and i like looked again and the guy was like four blocks down from him

and that was just a regular guy i'd like because i had to walk by that guy's house to go to the corner store and i'd be like yeah he's that's where the pedophile lives that's uh he molests children and then i check in i'm like oh he just this is a retired old man yeah he's trying to live his life in peace they bought it probably finally bought the truck he always wanted when he was a kid or whatever fucking yeah. It's funny to be in like a normal, stable, sort of stable-ish position in your life. And then to covet a shitty, covet the life of a shitty man. He just has an object that you want, but you can't in this moment afford. Yeah, he has like the same house.

Yeah, the same house. Probably, you know, like much older, much sadder. Life was way more unkind to him. But you're like, man, he's got an SVT. If I could take that away from him and give him nothing in return. The one thing that he's probably like, you know, wife left, kids are gone, everybody thinks I'm a pedophile because I live next door to one. But I got the SVT.

I got the wide body with the kit and the lift. And then he just comes out one day and you're in the driver's seat, window smashed out and you're just like... That's what you get, pedophile. He's like, that guy's a few blocks down. He's at the end of the street. It would be so funny

for you to steal that guy's car and just park it. He's like eight houses down. He just walks over to it and drives it back. Y'all do that every day for like three months until one of you pulls a gun on the other yeah fuck you know what shout out to that guy we straight up called him a pedophile for like how long on the show i think it was like i don't know if i ever cleared that up 15 episodes worth of being like you live next door to a pedophile that has a really nice truck and if any psycho i've like talked about like what neighborhood i live in yeah the area of fort worth that you're in yeah

you know yeah i don't people could do the math on that one if they wanted to but hey that's okay you know at the end of the day it's a dog eat dog world it's a doggy dog world man it's my fault i falsely accused my neighbor of being a pedophile just because i was too lazy because he has a nicer truck than me and i just assumed he was because i didn't yeah once i saw he had a thing i wanted i just attributed that label to him because he's a piece i don't even want the truck anymore. There's probably bodies in there, you know. Uses it to transport children. But, yeah. Knock on his door.

I think he fucking just, like, buys and sells used cars. He only had that truck for, like, two weeks. Knock on his door and you're like, hey, man, I know what you're doing back in there. I know what the fuck you're up to. You're killing kids and you're stealing their cars. Yeah. You're killing kids. You're stealing their cars. Yeah. You're killing kids. You're going to their dad's place.

You're taking their dad's truck and you're fucking burying them out in the woods. So I was like, I'm going to use car salesman. And I just build these up and I sell them. Listen to me, man. I got you dead to rights. You fuck kids and you put them in the bed of this SVT. Bar none. I Googled it.

It's on Google. Yeah, it's on Google. And i've talked about it on my podcast so i hope you're ready that that tens of thousands of people understand that you you know suck on children so unless you give this svt over i'm going to expose you which i have with no proof by the way you know a lot of people say the proof is in the pudding. You ever heard that saying, Jake? Yeah, once or twice. I could go for some banana pudding right now.

You know what, man? I fucking hate banana pudding, dude. I'm going to keep it a buck with you. Dude, you suck. I don't like sweets, bro. I like... Fucking disgusting. I like...

Like, if I... I don't even like ice cream. I really don't like... I don't... God, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't like ice cream. I don't like cake ice cream. I really don't like... God, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't like ice cream. I don't like cake. I like coffee cake.

It's all right. But I'm not a sweets guy. I like dark chocolate, like bitter dark chocolate. Yeah, I don't really like heaven. I'm more of a hell guy. I like eating arugula and stones. I don't like getting my dick sucked. I like putting it in a pencil sharpener.

You know, I don't like... Yeah, I don't like birthday my dick sucked i like putting it in a pencil sharpener you know you know i don't like yeah i don't like birthday parties but i do like like death like yeah executions like cutting my toes off yeah yeah getting right getting hurt at work and stuff getting hit by a skid steer you know dude i feel like uh i would love to have one even if i live in an apartment yeah i would just like hell Yeah, I would just like to have one. Oh, hell yeah, dude. They're fun to drive. They really are. And if you're the only guy, the key is, I've found,

if you're not the new guy and you get in the skid steer, as long as you're basically doing the task assigned to you and you're not fucking anything up, you can kind of just play around with it. Just drive it back and forth and just kind of do your thing. The last job I worked before I went back to school, we had one on the site. It was a really big job site,

but we didn't need really that many skid steers. The only reason that we would ever need one is to literally just kind of like even out mud and gravel to lay like rock paths into a new part of the unit they were building. In fact, that was that guy's only job because there was a there was just a big plot of land with like a lot of unbuilt shit and we would get bulldozers out there to move big shit uh that happened before i got joined on but anyway this guy's only job was to sort of level out the gravel and lay the gravel down or whatever he was one of those kids though and i can't really give the guy too much shit because i was so i wasn't super incompetent but i was prettyent. I think the only reason I got this job, dude, I make fun of kids with construction dads and their dads get them jobs. But I'm pretty sure the only reason I got this job at the plastic plant was because of my dad.

Now, I wasn't a foreman or nothing. I just I was a hand, you know, but like. Yeah. But like anyway, he would just drive the motherfucker. He's not even drunk. I don't know if he was drunk actually he would just back it into a ditch all the time and i would have to call one of the uh of like the fork like the the warehouse forklift guys or the the yard forklift guys to literally

like tie a fucking rope to the frame of it and pull him out yeah the only reason i got called for that because i just was like the mechanics apprentice so i was just kind of like if somebody does something retarded that's too stupid for the main mechanic to handle i would do that shit a lot or whatever so i'll go up there and i'd be like uh you know the skids it would there was like these retention ditches that would leave and lead into this like a big pond of water that we had i guess that we pulled from i don't know what it was for, actually. I'm assuming it was, like, pulled there to, like, cool stuff off. I have no fucking idea.

He would just be in a ditch that led to that, like, maybe once or twice a month. You know, roll over there in the work truck or the golf cart that we used. I'm like, hey, Clayton. He's like, what's going on? I'm like, you backed it up into the ditch again? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just pulled me out real quick before my dad gets here. His dad was like a crane supervisor or something.

And I remember being like, this is a fireable offense. Because he just would literally be clearing a pathway and just drive it into a ditch he'd be like yeah you know what i mean this cocksucker don't work of everything on that site that was old that was like a two-year-old skid steer like like he's like you know this motherfucker dude i mean you get behind it it's just unwieldy and i'm like dude it goes like two miles it goes like you've driven you've driven one before yeah it goes like two miles an hour maybe four tops and there's like levers where it's like you it's complicated to back up like it i okay if you go just straight back you would have to go straight back not like be turning your body out the front half of it right you know and uh he would literally be like

hey man just just call one forklift drivers over here for my dad sees and i'm like your dad works on the other side of the planet but like people are gonna see me for the third time in the last three months getting on my walkie getting a forklift to come from over the inside of the unit tying a rope to the fork and pulling this out. By the way, everyone knows you do this with somewhat regularity. He's like, well, you know, I was like, people know that you crash this thing a lot. And he was like, what?

You know what? You snitching? Yeah. It's like, you know, it don't happen that much. I've never done this before. And I'm like, dude, this is the third time I've dug you out of a hole or had someone dig you out. Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, like, you know, it don't happen that much. I ain't never done this before. And I'm like, dude, this is the third time I've dug you out of a hole or had someone dig you out. Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, like, the kind of incompetence you're allowed to have when, like, someone you're directly related to is someone.

Like, my dad definitely helped me get that job. But it was like my dad wasn't really like a he wasn't he, like, worked in the warehouse. He was not like someone we were both just kind of like he was a veteran or whatever you know but to be like man i'm gonna get in trouble you know i'm gonna get grounded my dad's gonna ground me for crashing this three thousand dollar skid steer you know i ain't even gonna be able to go out with the truck no more and and and fuck women that wear big belt buckles i'm going to be able to take his boat out this weekend if you don't help me out, man.

Come on. Yeah, dude. Same kid, by the way. It was the same guy. Well, one of the guys. I told you when I was there that they would get on to you for dipping. Well, they let you. It was like an unspoken rule.

It was like it was fine. But I did the pouches or whatever and this is that there was this one one of the guys this kid that was like i'll be like oh you know you got pussy pouches you know you ain't dipping fucking you know it's like oh man i don't even know they fucking sell them to adults i thought them for whatever just talking shit because it was the camel snus or whatever and then one day he was like hey man i'm fucking jonesing you know i i couldn't stop by the gas station to get me a can of Skull. Can I get one of them fucking snus things from you?

And I was like, oh, it's for pussies only, man. Sorry. These are for fat gay guys only. And he was like, oh, fuck. He was like, oh, no, I can't do that. No, no, no. Come on, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, no, I can't do that. No, no, no. Come on, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck, man. Dude, I kind of like, I don't want to say that I miss it because I don't. Because laying on my ass all day on the couch is sick. It's sick. But it's like, I don't, you know, it's a type of like, it's a different life. It is. It really is. Like, people, my friends that still do it,

my buddy just got laid off, and he was like, I'm going back to the union hall. And I was like, what happened? And he was like, oh, I got laid off or whatever. And he's like, but the cool thing about being in the union is, you know, you just fucking just hang out at the union hall all day, and, you know, something will come up or whatever. But, like, there's a part of it that's like just being busy like having to have something to do for like 15 hours a day

it you know this sounds like psychopath shit but i'm like that sounds nice kind of yeah i know it it it's like be i don't i don't know it's like being at war or something. Okay. It's like, I don't know, whenever you're like, especially whenever I was living by myself. Yeah, yeah. And working like 12, 13-hour shifts, I would literally get off and just like fall asleep smoking cigarettes on my porch. And then like wake up as the sun was going down and I just smell awful yeah and I'm like all right I guess I gotta go shower and I just shower and go to sleep

and I would be like well I made a hundred dollars today so that's good you know I mean there's honor in that just work the hardest you've ever worked in your life like back breaking sweating like you think you're gonna die and then like your check comes or like your daily like cash allowance comes you're like 95 dollars man yes sir yes sir that'll do it also i've never heard like i i'm very familiar with like southern turns of phrase. Like, you know, tottered and two rats fucking in a wool sock, you know, devil's whipping his wife, you know, like when it's humid outside,

it's raining, but the sun's out, whatever. You hear these southern turns of phrase, but the South is a big place, you know, and so some of them I wasn't familiar with to the point where i thought that they would be like making it up on the spot you know i'd be out there in my coveralls and shit and we'd be i'd be out there like directing fucking you know like telling the forklifts where to go or i'd be working on a forklift or something or you know painting houses whatever the fuck it is that i would do and there'd inevitably be because me i'm just i'm simple i'm like man it's hot as fuck out here. People are like, yeah, boy, you know, that'll be all right.

Wait until about 7, 8, sun goes down. But the guys, typically the older veterans that are like, man, the devil's got his pecker out and he's beating up on it. And you're like, what? He's like, man, that motherfucker thing's redder than hell, dude. And he's at friction just heating it up. You know, it's so hot out here dude you think devil's sucking his own dick and you're like dude i've never heard that like in my life and it's like you oh come on man yeah come come on man it's so hot out here dude you think fucking

somebody's trying to fuck his wife with a sandpaper condom on you're like uh excuse me like i would hear and you would sometimes you'd hear the same one twice but in my experience it was like you have guys from like it was a pretty big job site so like arkansas mississippi guys that would live out of rvs and take the per diem or whatever they come from all over so you'd get exposed to so many like different ways to say it's hot or like it's cold you know like i'm out you know it's colder than eskimo pussy and i'm like do we got a fucking man it's colder than two icicles that are standing really far apart so they're not even heating each other up yeah you start making them up and the old guys are like, that's not one of them. I know all of them.

Yeah, I've literally been – You haven't heard that one? Back home we say that all the time. I thought that was kind of a workman's thing. You haven't heard that one? He must be some kind of bitch who doesn't know anything about working hard, you know, being a real man. No, nothing about like, you know, about throwing your kids down the stairs or nothing. You don't know nothing about that shit.

Man, it's so hot you'd think there was five hedgehogs standing on top of each other, and they all had heating pads between them. Fuck, man, in hindsight, I should have done that. Like, just to some old-timer, it's like, man, it's like fucking three rats fucking in a wool coat out of here, man. It's hotter than hell.

I'm like, yeah, it's so hot that if the devil fucked me a whole bunch that it started a campfire, man, it wouldn't even be hotter than that. Yep, it's probably hotter than FDR's inner thigh when he got a boner because he had a blanket on too. Yeah, and he had polio, so his legs were calloused. Yeah. I don't know about it. I don't know if I've ever heard that one.

Where'd you hear that one? The weather's so nice, you'd think there was an angel causing it. The weather's so good, you'd think it was March. You know, early spring for Texas heat, you know, kind of starts taking over. You know, it's so hot you'd think it was, you know, like February 28th or something. You know, 20. Yeah, rather than July. Rather than, oh, man.

You mean this food's so good you'd think a really good chef made it in's kitchen he's wearing man it's so good you think ratatouille made it man this food's good you'd think her like a fat like sexy black old lady would have cooked it you know like a like the one who owned tom and jerry yeah maybe she only owned tom i guess i think jerry was kind of an intruder. Wait, what'd you say? Yeah, you'd think like a sexy, like 80-year-old fat black lady would have made this food. I don't understand. You think that's... Man, this food's so good, you'd think fucking like, you know, the fattest, stinkiest, like

oldest, you know, like southern grandma would have just cooked it up, you know, like fattest, stinkiest, like, oldest, you know, like, southern grandma would have just cooked it up, you know, like, in the oven or something. We're eating pizza rolls, man. That's what they. You think, you know. This food's so hot, you'd think it was hotter than cold. Man, it's so hot out here. My feet are so hot and sweaty i think i got an extra toe man you know me and my old lady man we last night you know it was our anniversary and i

fucked her so good man that like we both just kind of went to bed after we're both just like man i fucking you know, you know, I had sex with her, dude, and we had sex, you know. And it was just like, she had her boobies out, you know. And after we had sex, dude, we watched 90 Day Fiance until we both kind of fell asleep. Like, that's how good it was, man. Hold on, man. What? Yeah, man, you know, my old lady, you know, like, so's how good it was man hold on man what yeah man you know my old lady you know like so like it was her birthday man and we went out to dinner and then you know

she sucked my dick so good i had to take a nap after man and i just kind of had to like you know she just she was like fine i guess i'll do it you know you know how they get you know i just get after it she's like i guess and you know she sucked my dick so good I went and watched the UFC fight in the living room after you know yeah I remember our wedding night oh that was something she she looked breathtaking in that dress I just remember crying my eyes out just seeing her like the girl i'd always dreamed of you know and yeah i took her back back to the you know back to the hotel or whatever and we didn't even kiss we just looked at each other and cried for like six hours and then i had to take some of my anxiety medicine and then she kind of helped me go to sleep i slept on the bed she slept on the couch because i pee a lot when i sleep man you

know after our wet after our honeymoon man you know we were in vegas and we went back to hotel after winning some money casino and dude she pulled my pants down she tried to suck my dick and i just threw up man you know i just i get so scared when people even want to touch me because you know i have like problems in my life that I never really dealt with. And, you know, man, dude, I can tell you, man, she looked great. She had a little halter top on, you know. She was looking so good that I had to go back to the hotel and kind of weep. Not really in amazement at her, but because I don't like to be exposed. You know, I don't like to view people's exposed forms on account of how I was raised and things like that.

Man, she tried to suck my dick, dude, and I jumped out the 30-second story window of the MGM Grand. Pussy's so good, make you want to fucking email your boss. Man, the other night, I don't mean to brag or nothing because I know you boys get it in too, but I was with my old lady and I was laying it down so good that I was surprised my rectum didn't prolapse and come out of my anus because of the force I was expelling through my penis, through my front. I was surprised my pelvic floor muscles didn't give out, and I'm surprised my rectum my asshole didn't shoot out of my ass because how good i was laying penis i was surprised that it didn't look like i

had a tail you know i would have been coming to work bouncing on my prolapsed rectum like tigger but instead i just had sex normal style and went to sleep with thought my wife was winning the poo and i was tigger but i was just bouncing on my prolapsed anus my rectum actually i figured anus as you know is the the opening itself but the rectum is the sort of the tube that runs to it correct and i'm surprised i didn't blow clean out of my asshole while out because I was kissing her so good. It's just like a, yeah, like a, like a, like a, it's like, damn, man, you know what? Even at 48, brother, you know, my wife, you know, she's a fucking tight little thing. But I mean, we've been together.

She's a cheerleader. And I was, I was fucking running back, man, you know. And even on, even on even on even our 20th anniversary man she still knows how to late and then like a guy who's never had sex or like maybe had it once he's like yeah man my girlfriend dude i took her i took her shirt off dude and and like her boobies were like out bro like they were like on like and then, like, when you touch them, they kind of, like, it's, like, when you touch, like, when you're trying to, like, stir some soup with your wrist, but your hand goes in the soup and it kind of, like, jiggles the little, like, coagulated, you know. And then I took her underwear off, dude, and she didn't even have a penis or nothing, bro. Yeah, I was squeezing her boobies with such significant force.

I can grow boobies like a boner. I can make a girl's boobies get long and hard like a boner, and I'll suck them like a dick. And if y'all can't do that, you ain't really turning your girl on. I'll lactate when I have a prostate orgasm. I can have one on command. and it's not if y'all can't do that you ain't really turning your girl on yeah and when i i'll lactate when i have a prostate orgasm i can have one on command hold on man what'd you say would you say what kind of kind of orgasm are you talking about with the yeah prostate orgasm i just i basically like i was like dig my fingernail like into my taint and i'll have like a out my I grew up next to a chemical plant and my nipples are we'll just start expelling um it can't get a woman pregnant but it can get her boobs pregnant

to where they get huge anyway man you know uh like me and my wife are Christian, right? So we'd never, you know. Well, I'd never have sex with nobody, and she said that she hadn't. But, you know, wedding night comes, and she tries to stick a big plastic penis in my mouth. She was like, well, this is what guys like or whatever. And I was like, oh, I thought you were a virgin. And she was like, no, I lied, you I thought you were a virgin and she was like no I lied you know

I got this whole secret of life and so now that's why I come to work wearing a big blonde wig and you know just sort of it's just something we got going on you know it's just I wonder actually I kind of wonder how often that happens

not that exact situation but like um like in when i was in youth group it was like all the guys were like hopelessly like horny and i don't mean like like youth like we were like in our like we were in like high school junior high junior high going into high school um and then like when i left the church but still went time to time for like family stuff it was like you were in these groups that were like if you jack off you're gonna die and then i guess like a couple girls i knew that were in like uh you know wait for marriage type groups whatever but i would see like the you know

like the same kids like at parties or whatever that I like went to like sell weed to that were like, you know, oh, yeah, like like people fuck or whatever. So I wonder how many times, you know, like people get married and it's like the guy is like this like dopey Christian guy that was like, you know, you know, married the Southern Belle and is like. I'm pure or whatever. And she's like, yeah, me too. And then like wedding night comes and she's like you gotta stick a blindfold in my throat like you know like i don't i probably not a lot maybe a little bit but i would like to think that uh that that type of stuff goes on it would make me laugh i guess in my soul i hope that never happens ever and it would make me cry

if i heard about it. What do you think of that? What do you think of that, you stupid piece of shit? How do you like them apples? Yeah, me, I have so much sex, I have to wear my hard hat at home. Because when I get freakalicious nasty, I'll let my girl put one of her boobs in my butt and we connect like the aliens from avatar and the top of my head starts glowing blue so i i'd never take my hard hat off even when i'm on break because i have a glowing blue circle from boob penetration ain't nothing like a brother that's gay i'm gay i remember like when i was like this

was before like i i kind of like you know you grow up with like myspace and facebook and shit because i'm 55 years old um like i remember church like if somebody got divorced you kind of could always guess it because like you know she be around, like, for any potlucks or whatever. And she wouldn't be around Sundays or Wednesdays. And, but, like, the dad would be there. And, like, the kids would be there or whatever. But then, like, I remember in, like, eighth or ninth grade when, like, MySpace and Facebook took off. You know, you'd, like, you'd go to some, like, I'd go to, like, some, like, you know, like you'd go to some like I go to like some like you know like trunk or treat

they would do that a lot of the church where you kids would bring candy and stuff and everybody would have their like friend Christian friendly costumes whatever yeah and then uh you know my mom you know he's like oh you know uh I was just talking to so-and-so the other day and you know the husband be like oh well you know she's uh me and her. We kind of just we're kind of just taking it, taking it easy. You know, she's been going through a lot. You know, I just overhear conversation, just simple Christian, you know, like, oh, you know, we're praying for, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. She couldn't make it today. And that would be like after like four or five weeks of like her not being at service or whatever.

Yeah. after like four or five weeks of like her not being at service or whatever yeah and i would like go on myspace and i would just be like curious and i would be like searching like the kid's names and then i would find the parents or facebook and i would see that the mom is like on a boat in cabo just with like a dude that's like 10 years younger way more money or whatever and i'm just like oh this is like well we're praying for you know she's she's having some uh some problems you know and we're praying for them as a and god will see them through this and she's just getting dicked down by like you know like the umpire of the little league yeah that we all like played out or whatever that'll happen sometimes well

you know what it would never happen to me it would never happen to either of us yeah because yeah we're sigma and if it did we'd kill ourselves not strong enough to like just those guys are way i'm not putting up with that yeah no no i'm out of the game dude those guys are way mentally and emotionally stronger than me and you it's like yeah you know i keep i keep my kids in church i keep them in sport if you have kids is one thing but i think you're i don't know no no it like if i was ever like if you're a church if you're i mean if you're like a deacon and that happens to you you know they were yeah typically those are like the deacons why yeah well you know why do you put up with that she's she's on a retreat it's like yeah she's on a

fucking retreat man she's getting fucked there was a like a they were like the um so he was a brother like i don't know if they did the same thing at your church but it was like uh they would have pastors associate pastors and then like a couple guys that would get up and do sermons like once every few months they were called like brother whatever you know brother gary will be with us yeah he literally like and brother gary would be like a fat rosy-cheeked like you know just god-fearing fucking you know cummins driving motherfucker and him and his wife were like the church couple they were at every event their kids were like super involved in youth and then she just like stopped coming around or whatever and i feel like it's always the guy that

like it's always the church couple that you're like well if i was going to be religious i would want to be like these you know and then of course she like you know she was just getting her shit pounded out by like they by their pool boy or whatever. I'm like, man. Again, it goes both ways. One of the deacons would stop coming around, and you'd find out there was a divorce, and there was this like, you know, within the community or whatever.

Yeah, one of the elders from the church I grew up in, which was very traditional like left his wife and kids for like a like a 20 year old girl like across the country that's awesome he was like probably 45 that's so sick do you know what ifb churches are you ever heard of them what does it stand for in a minute independent fundamental baptist they're like old-time religion they're like they only read king james they're the guys that like if you ever see a clip where it's like and homosexuals you got to line them up and shoot them and all the crowd is going nuts it's like yeah i think we have some of those in fort worth there you have a big one in fort worth in fact me and you need to go to one

i really it's not kenneth copeland isn't one is he no it's called step i've googled it it's called steadfast baptist church uh it's in fort worth i knowled it. It's called Steadfast Baptist Church. It's in Fort Worth. I know the fucking preacher's name. I want to go and just. There was one in Fort Worth and the whole church got shut down basically over this guy's statements. It was Steadfast. So the guy was named Donnie Romero. He was basically like, yeah, gay guys and adulterers, you have to kill gay men.

And then it came out that he was gambling and smoking weed and like doing coke and fucking hookers so they replaced him with the current preacher but it's the same church they had to move locations because of the drama uh dude it's like super close to you it's in uh they were in wataga w-a-u-t-a yeah yeah yeah yeah anyways yeah so um this guy uh fuck that church uh if you want to google that church you can google it those guys are pieces of shit fuck them uh they can get fucked um this guy greg lock uh he's an ifb preacher um i forget where he's out of but uh like all of his sermons are like we got a witch in the house and we're going to exercise this witch.

And we and we've got gay men here with hair past their ears and they're sucking dick on the side and they're taking their buying pillows and all the shit. His wife like gets sick or some shit. And instead of like being with his sick wife, he just starts fucking his administrative assistant. They're like processes all the tithe jars or whatever. And then just straight fucking his administrative assistant that like processes all the tithe jars or whatever and then just straight leaves his wife the guy still has like a big name in the community is like one of the more like one of the more like um bigger name uh you know ifb preachers or whatever the fuck but yeah there's one there's one right by you i'm not kidding i kind of want to go you could walk me in on a dog's leash i would i would

subject myself to that i i kind of want to go dress like uh like leather daddies and just see how long it takes for one of us to get like in a fist fight or get shot or those guys they do not fuck around they're like they're it's it's not it's it's misspelled it's misspelled. It's S-T-E-D, fast, steadfast. And they got in a bit of hot water recently because one of their brother pastors was like, for thousands of years, it was legal to kill gay men, and you're telling me it's not now? Hmm. Like, that was the whole sermon or whatever.

It was a fun time. So I don't want to go there in support of this shit. Yeah, we go there and we're like, we're going to bring this place down. We both just start crying. Oh, no. It's so offensive. We just completely pussy out.

When I found out they were like maybe 10 minutes from where you live, I was like, dude, this is something waiting to happen. I bet I've driven past this place at some point. Yeah, you know where Watauga is. Or like whereabouts. Yeah, Watauga isn't like super close.

So that was their old location that you were talking about. The one that they're in now is like somewhere between Fort Worth and Arlington. It's like in a strip mall or whatever. Oh, perfect. Yeah, that's the only places they can rent from or it's like where dentists used to work or whatever steadfast baptist church you can see how close it is to you i think it's pretty fucking close oh yeah 20 minutes yeah come on man me and you some body paint some booty shorts i can attach the gopro to my head we Dude, we can get a video episode for... The funny thing would be is if they, you know, like,

if it got serious or whatever, and you're like, joke's on you guys, I live in Austin. I'm like, yeah, we live in Austin. Dumbass. Yeah, I don't live 10 minutes from here. Well, I was reading, so one of the things that they do, so those churches do something called soul winning and it's basically like hardcore evangelism where they knock on your door with a king james bible and they're like where do you think you go when you die

and you can be like i don't fucking know man dirt i guess they're like well according to you know matthew or whatever you know the wages of sin is death and you know the uh you know, Matthew or whatever, you know, the wages of sin is death. And, you know, the, uh, you know, the only way to enter the kingdom of heaven is through my father, blah, blah, blah, blah. So when I found out it was that close to Fort Worth, this was a few nights ago, I couldn't sleep. And I was like, I kind of went down a rabbit hole with these guys. And I was like, man, I would love for them to knock on Thomas's door. Like when you've just recently stubbed your toe or some minor inconvenience that has acted as a floodgate for like all of your you know intensity or whatever and just like like you went to go lay down some sod and you like you you you hit your pinky toe on like a rock or something and they're like hey you know uh the

only way to get to heaven is through salvation and you're like yeah um like i just had this idea in my head like if we couldn't go to them due to both of us having obligations, they're going to eventually... Because they go all throughout Fort Worth through neighborhoods. I've had people... I had a guy very intently pursue me at my doorstep.

And I don't think it was that church. He was a nice enough guy at first. And then his line of questioning got really bizarre okay because he like so i was not having a good day when he answered and i was hoping it was somebody else i thought i thought my dad was gonna be at the door and i it's just some random fucking guy right right right anyway uh i'm like oh uh what you got yeah he's like uh sir do you uh do you have a church here or he it was it was something like uh you knew around here and i'm like yep yep. Pretty new. Okay. What's up? And he's like,

you found a church yet? I'm like, I don't really, I don't go to church. But, appreciate it. Thanks. That's the end of it. Like, that's,

nope. It's over. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, well, how's your relationship with Jesus? And I'm like, it's pretty much non-existent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just not really interested. Thank you, though. Like, moving to close the door the whole time. And he's like, well, how long has it been since you've been to church? I was like, my grandmother's funeral, I think. So maybe like two years. He's like, well, how about before then? I was like, my grandfather's funeral well how about before then i was like my

grandfather's funeral a couple months before that right then probably a funeral before that as well i haven't worshiped christ as a believer yeah yeah yeah and then he's like well well how do you feel about your life and i was was like, it's fine. You know, it's all right. And he's like, are you living in sin? Do you feel like you're making the right choices? Do you feel like you're a good person? I was like, I think I'm doing all right. I mean, I don't think I'm hurting anybody.

And he's like, so you don't feel that you're living in sin? And I was like, genuinely, no. I honestly am, like, doing all right right i have a podcast i jack off he was like do you do you live here with family i was like my dad's here sometimes he was like is he living in sin i was like i don't i don't watch him as far as i know and he was like well how do you know do you i was like do you want me to go watch him at night I like I got I got into his head I was like you want me to go in his room yeah you want me to look

through his stuff you want me to watch him throughout his day and he was like I'm just I'm just asking I'm like I don't know I don't know I think he's I think he's doing all right you know yeah and he was like well you should come to church

I'm like I don't I'm not going to I'm just not going to go I just there's just no part of me I don't feel like a spiritual longing even I just I'm just a grown ass man who doesn't want to go to church

well you know do you do drugs? Do you drink? And I was like, no. He's like, well, well, you have temptations? And I was like, nope. I kind of don't even watch porn anymore. Yeah. I go to work.

He was like, so what do you do every day? I was like, I go to work, I go home, I take a shower, I eat, and I go to work yeah he was like so what do you do every day i was like i go to work i go home i take a shower i eat and i go to sleep you're like i kind of live the brick wall dude he's like oh well well you you ought to pay his visit sometimes i was like oh for sure i'll do that yeah he's like all, well, I'm going to leave this with you, leave you this brochure. I was like, thank you so much. It's very funny to be like, I live the closest thing you could live to, like,

a Puritan godly lifestyle, but I don't give a fuck about God. You're like, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I work in the yard all day. I fucking come home, I eat, like, meat and potatoes, and then I go the fuck to sleep, and I do it all over again, and the guy's like, do you believe in God?

And you're like, no, that's just how I live. It's like it's the easiest way to live my life right now. Yeah. Yeah. Those guys are sick, dude. Like the like Jehovah's Witnesses are one thing. But like I was like I kind of I couldn't sleep. So I went down a rabbit hole and he's like IFB guys or whatever.

And I was like, man man like there's one so close i just i would love to have the gopro and be doing an episode while i feel like what would be good is is getting a part-time job there yeah and doing like like a hidden whoopee cushion situation, like a hidden speaker somewhere. Okay. And just start playing maybe like fart noises. Okay. And then maybe it just moves to gay porn at some point.

It would have to be hidden well, like under the stage. Like a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah. I just put it in a pew or something i was watching so like i i was kind of i was curious like intellectually curious so i watched like like five minutes of a sermon from them from the church that's by you and yeah it was like uh they're old-time religion so the whole point it's kind of like restorationists like church of christers which i'm sure you're familiar with.

They're kind of like, you know, they... First century, second century A.D., they're trying to recreate that, like... They're biblical literal... They believe that the world is, like, 6,000 years old, and they believe that, like, you know,

like, dinosaurs aren't real and shit, and, uh... So, I've always... We were kind of like that growing up. Like, you know, dinosaurs aren't real and shit. Yeah. We were kind of like that growing up. It was just less of an aggressive sermon. But, like, I was taught that the world was 6,000 years old. Yeah, same, same. Well, it was, like, it was never expressed explicitly like that. I will say that.

But it was, like, evolution was something that was mocked openly. Yeah. As like, you know. Like the silliest thing in the world. Yeah. Like I remember in Sunday school it was like, you know, you're going to. When they go to school, they're going to teach you came from a monkey. Well, we still got monkeys.

The kind of like. Yeah. Like I owned or whatever and i'm being like uh you know i guess like i mean that makes sense or whatever next thing okay so here's here's the next i guess three goals to meet for the patreon at three grand me and and Thomas get a honeymoon suite with a heart-shaped bed, and we lay on it together, and we do a video episode. That's three grand.

5,000 is the UFC, the cage match between me and Thomas. Which, at this rate, we will both be 300 pounds full. At 300 pounds, all of our joint's gone. I haven't been to the gym in two months. But 10 grand should be go to uh old school church we have to make a scene dude 10 grand oh 10 grand we both quit our jobs i'll go to jail that's not like a big deal for me i i'm not willing to go to jail now just it's just not enough money you know it would be too give me five exactly five months i'm willing to get i don't care where the show's at give me five months even if we're still making three

grand a month just give me fucking you know once i'm off papers then i'm not in violation it's a brand new deal dude you the first time being off probation for two weeks of my adult life would be so sick the first time you drink is in the parking lot in front of that church you're like i'm gonna go in there i'm just gonna start kicking people in the head man like i'm just gonna start laying people out you know suplexing them giving them kisses it is impressively cold in this back room your your your your peck your titty muscles flexing on me a little bit no No, I'm shivering. Come on, man.

You've got to man up. You've got to suck up. Oh, no. Oh, no. I need a blankie. I need a blankie because I'm so cold. I'm a fuzzy little baby. I think what we need is to really reevaluate the way we're judging these churches, Jake,

because they do a lot of good in their communities, you know? Okay. They do community outreach. They do... Right. I'm sure that church is sending missionaries all over the world to do great things. Right.

Actually, dude, from how you're describing, IFB would do great in Brazil. They would. Brazilians love American, like like racism and homophobia they go crazy for they have like their own system it's incredible it's called it's called brazilian jiu-jitsu you know i mean like the way they have racism it's like it's not like a one drop thing it's no it's there's that meme of like a dutch german German Homer looking in the mirror and he sees like Brazilian Homer or whatever like that, like that one or no, it's reverse. It's Brazilian fat beer belly Homer looking in the mirror and he sees like Dutch jacked like Aryan youth Homer.

Yeah, dude. Every fucking BJJ gym I've been to that's like owned by a Brazilian. They're like the most like racist, like homophophobic like misogynistic people on planet earth like and then it just sort of comes out in spurts where it's like oh you know yeah you come to the states uh you know they um you know just so many fucking like like gay people and black people here and you're like yeah I mean you know it is you're in the south so like that explains the the black person thing you know they kind of were stolen and sold here for like 300 years uh the gay guy thing though you know that's you have that back there as well

you know it's just yeah y'all got i'm assuming you got quite a bit of them. Pretty universal thing. Yeah, you got, you know, your guys that dress like women or whatever the fuck. But it was, I think more than anything, it's like, I mean, you get this in like people, like families from like, they grew up super Catholic, like first, second gen Mexican families. Like I would go over to like, we've talked about this on the show plenty of times, like I would go over to my friend's houses as a teenager or like a kid or whatever, and the dad or the uncle would be like, you know, there ain't coming across this border. And I'm like,

your daughter and your son, who I'm friends with, they came over here on like a truck, like a meat truck. How did you get here? And I would never ask that, but you'd later find out he came over on like a clothing truck or some sort of shipping container. Yeah, some other type of truck. Yeah.

How'd you get here? I came here the right way on a cantaloupe truck. I was squashed under about 1,000 pounds of honeydew, man. I i came here the right way on a cantaloupe truck i was i was squashed under about a thousand pounds of honeydew man you know i came over here the legal way i came here in a beer barrel off to niagara falls down the river that's one of my favorite like cultural things that i don't know like it's exclusive i don't know if it's exclusive to Texas, but like meeting like Hispanic good old boy dads. And these are people I've worked with, you know, guys who start. Yeah.

Again, very common theme on the early, early eras of the show. You're working with a guy who's like Hispanic and he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, we got to close in borders up. And you're like. OK. And they're like, yeah, they're dogs yeah they're dogs they're animals they're sick animals that come over here and spread disease and i'm like all right swag uh you know how did uh you know what were what were you doing like at age two and he was like you know i was in laredo you know i was in the back the back of a... It was a bunch of gym weights and hot dogs.

Just kind of like in a tinted truck or whatever. I'm like, okay, so what happened between now and the 30 years it's passed? Well, it's different back then. And I'm like, how? We used to be good about it. We would plant flowers along the way. Now they leave trash, Dorito bags everywhere. They're coming over here to sell drugs.

Now, mind you, I do do a lot of coke. Like, a lot, you know, and I sell it a little bit too, but, you know. They're coming over here to... Just cause trouble. To take all the white women that I want. They're coming over here to steal all the white women that i'm you know that me personally here to steal you know girls that listen to fucking florida georgia line and you know crank out supposed to be my market my girlfriend just crushed my toe with a

diner chair that's really do you have anything to say for yourself? She says she doesn't care about my toes. That's really rude. What? We're going to do a crowdfund soon to get Jake out of his abusive living situation. We're doing a crowdfund to get me out of my abusive relationship. Did you hear that? Somebody shut the fuck up. that's typical well oh yeah

typical abusive relationship behavior uh you know she's taking all the paintings off the walls she's she's taking all my books you know she found out i started making real money with the podcast 1800 a month a lot of money she found out i was mean she money with the podcast. $1,800 a month. Yeah, we make a lot of money. She found out I was – she was like, I want out of this. Girls hate millionaires. Girls hate millionaires for sure. Women don't like – They want broke bad boys. They don't want successful millionaires.

Yeah, when I was a broke bad boy, Ashley loved paying for everything. She goes, oh, you're Patron shots. Ashley loved paying for all my meals because I was a big fat boy. And, you know, it all comes around. I buy her some soup from time to time.

Buy her some soup. Some Starbucks every now and then. Give the dog a lamb, lamb bone, lamb chop, lamb chop, whatever the fuck

it's called. Lamb bone. Ain't nothing but a lamb. That's so fucking stupid. Sucking on my dick. This show

has been brought to you by, we got a new sponsor. It's called, the sponsor is Human Trafficking. If you want a kid

at your house, Thomas will send you one. You got to use code ThomasPendejoTime at Humantrafficking.gov. If you want a cat, I'll steal one from the neighborhood and I'll send it to you for $100.

It'll be in an envelope. I hope it lives. So make sure to hit up Thomas if you want any kids or women for sale. Also, the cool thing about this show is if you're listening to this on Spotify, Apple Music, some sort of ham radio,

I know we've got listeners in the Eastern Europe area. If you're listening to this on, like, a weird, like, tin can type setup, we've got premium episodes, too, for five bucks a month. If all of you, if all, let's see, our free audience is somewhere around the 4,000 or 5,000 area. If all of you were to... It's more than that now. Yeah, for sure.

It's more than that now because we're huge dick players. Yeah, we make so much. We're so rich. If all of y'all were to subscribe, me and Thomas could quit our jobs. I know that has nothing to do with your shitty life, but if all of y'all were to toss us like $5 to $10 a month each... Also, I already quit my job. He doesn't have a backup plan

i just kind of don't have a job just kind of quit uh yeah i just sort of gave up if you want to help a young nubile boy through school yeah subscribe to basically we split this shit 50-50. He doesn't get a bigger cut. But I spend most of my money on nicotine and quesadilla dip and cheese. I spend most of mine on a car payment and car insurance and gas. Yeah. Because I'm a working man like that, you know? Yeah, I'm not. I work for my money. I mostly, like, scratch my butt cheeks all day.

Anyway, go on over to patreon.com slash pandeo time. Toss us a little $5 cheeser. Because when you do that, that gets us one step closer to being, you know, the next podcast millionaire, the next Chapo, the next Tim Dillon, the next, you know, Comptown, the next Caller Daddy. But we're closer to Caller Daddy than those. We're kind of like the guy Caller Daddy, you know? We're the next, uh, call her daddy, but we're closer to call her daddy than those. We're kind of like the guy, call her daddy,

you know, we're like, we're like, call him mommy. Yeah. Call him. We should change the name of the show to that. Call him mommy.

Call him mommy. It really rolls off the tongue. It does. It's way better than padeo time and all the advertising and money we've spent into that brand, which literally, I know I said that has been $ $400 maybe, like at most. Call Her Mommy is the new name of the show.

We give sex advice to young, lonely, incel men, and we tell them how to... No, it's for women, I thought. No, Call Her Daddy is for women. Call Her Mommy is for women. This will also be for high school women. Yeah, for high school and college age bulimic women. We're doing live shows for 15-year-old girls.

Yeah, and you were like, you ever work a construction job and you jacked off at the porta potty? You ever see a weird guy who had a mole? He kept showing it to you. Do you ever work for a guy who was a sexual predator, but he was kind of cool, so you didn't really say anything about it? He was still your boss, so you couldn't,

but he also may have been a huge... Anyway, go on. Give us some $5 or $10. Maybe even subscribe to the $50 a month tier if you got it like that. I know maybe one D-list. You probably don't. One D-list actor listens to this, I think.

That's about it. If you've got money like that, you've got Hollywood money, toss us $50 a month. If you don't, actually, you know what? $50 or nothing. I'll come out on the record. $50 or no dice. $1, on the record. $50 or no dice. $1,000 a month where you kill one of us.

Do one of those things tonight. I'm super easy to kill lately. I'm not doing good. Please don't kill us. Y'all have a good one, I guess. Adios, bitch.