Pendejo Time - hello thomas

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

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Then there's probably another ad happening now. All right. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the free episode of Pendejo Time. I'm your host, Jake Rhodes, and I've got it with me, Mr. of course, Thomas White, aka poop poopinous vaginus aka boobooboos I don't remember

boobies galore boobies I found a dollar on the fucking side of the road today so I know it's going to be a good day nice it was next to a pile of dog shit and I was like well I can pick up one of these you know

so I decided to pick up the money I hope I made the right decision yeah I would pick up the dog shit and smeared it on my tongue in my mouth why just for good measure you never know yeah to see if it tastes good

yeah just to see how the just to see you never really know anymore in this world took me a fucking fat ass nap slept right through my therapist's appointment but who gives a fuck about what that guy has to say you know what I mean what's he gonna tell me

you know to do my grounding exercises you're grounded motherfucker from getting any money and getting any pussy because you're a therapist and I bet you don't get either of those things whatever you're running away to the therapist as he start activating your vibrator

yeah he activates my remote vibrator yeah my butt buzzer yeah yeah you ever have a therapist not not do that but where they give you like a ball and it like vibrates in your hand or whatever no what uh-uh I had a therapist who was like close your eyes I'm gonna turn off the lights

I'm gonna put this ball in your hand and it's going to vibrate in a way that heals you. What kind of a therapist were you seeing? It was just a bald and vibrated. It did nothing from my spirit or anything like that. I think my hand kind of numb. What kind of fucking therapy? I mean, I guess maybe it works for some people.

I've never heard it. He just put a vibrator in your head. This is for PTSD. It was a vibrating. Oh. They've been trying to do some of that. I don't have vibrator related. PTSD.

I'm sure there's a lot of people out there who do, but... Yeah. I've been trying to... Maybe that was similar to what they're doing with me. They've been having me do the EMDR thing where they basically kind of like hypnotize you, kind of. And then you, like, think about a really bad thing that happened to you. And then you just, like, basically reenact that moment in your head over and over again for

hour i'm going to tell you guys right now i don't know how that's supposed to solve any problems whatsoever yeah eating nachos desserts and roast yeah em d or eating more desserts and roast but yes yeah emd are eating more desserts and roast but yes yeah em d or no um no no no no no emd are eating um eating um eating munchies and dessert and roasts. Yes, yeah. That's really good. Basically, the way that therapy works is I give you a big bowl of yummy delicious

tweets and you get to have them for one hour. Yes, it's 100 bucks for the hour, which I know that's steep, but 50 bucks is for a steak that I buy each time and I'll have you eat during the... Yeah, I do the appointment right after lunch, so I don't really need you to buy and grill me a steak for each therapy session. I'll just eat before, and then you can knock the $50 up. So the $50 actually can't be knocked off, and if you knock it, if you don't eat the steak, I will eat the steak. And then you're just buying me lunch, which is kind of on you.

And then I can't talk to you really because I'll be eating. Yeah, I'll be full. It's an 18-ounce rib-eye. As I'm just letting you know, it's, if I eat that, I can't therapy you. Like, I can't talk to you about your problems and stuff. You know, it's just not really. And I'll probably have to shit for most of the interview, too. I have to shit for the other 30 minutes that were because I don't eat.

That's a lot of red meat to eat in such a short sitting. Yeah, it's not really... $50 extra if I take your shit while you're doing it. I charge you $50 to poop. Yeah, it's going to be $150 if I do, if I drop a big dumper in the middle of your set. Sorry, that's just kind of the middle of your set. In the middle of your therapy session, sorry. Bro, I killed therapy yesterday.

I had a great hour I talked about how I was molested and about how my dad really didn't like the family very much and man the therapist but then I told him that I had resiliency and I told him that I hadn't been having panic attacks or crying episodes

and he laughed and wrote a lot of stuff in his book I really crushed it I was still in Trevor, no material in my therapist was clapping laughing I was talking about race talking about gender I grew up in South Texas

Africa. Yeah, I was talking about the wage gap. Yeah. What is he, is he still, I guess he's still doing the damn thing. I know, whatever, who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't, I don't know if anybody else has ever done it. Sound off in the comments if you have, but I really fundamentally, there's like, there's like half the psychology community thinks it's a bunch of quacky nonsense.

And the other half of it says that it's supposed to work. I fundamentally don't understand how it's supposed to be effective because they just make you relive every second every detail of like a really like you pick the worst or the worst

you know what I mean like the real bad stuff and they're like okay what did the room what would the room look like what did like the room smell like you know like who was there what time of day was it

and then they just have you like basically talk it out for like an hour I don't know how that's supposed to help at all. Like, I mean, contextually within a therapist's office, it makes sense. But if I were to sit you down and be like, hey, man, you're going to tell me in an hour that, in great detail, the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. And then you're just going to leave the room. And you're just going to have to go back to work after that. Just, you know, that time that, you know, you watched your friend get hit by a car and he was all crunched up and his bones were crunched.

And he was like, oh. Tell me how the hot the concrete was, you know, how that made you feel. And then that'll be $150. See you next Wednesday, pal. You know what I mean? That I don't really fundamentally understand. But maybe I just don't understand psychoanalytics or whatever the fuck. Or psychoanalysis.

I'm a lowly putkister. So, who gives a fuck about what I think, I guess? Also, I'm pretty, I'm only, I'm going because I guess I need to, but I'm pretty anti-therapy. In general. Like, generally speaking, I know, I know we're kind of in like an era, the last 10 years of like, therapy, you must go to therapy. Everybody, if you want to be a person that can be normal and hangaboutable with, you must go do your therapies.

Wow, you're not in therapy. I think if you have something specific that you're looking to work through or whatever, it is good. I think that you have to have a good match, though. Yeah, no, you have to find somebody worthwhile, and that takes time. And that takes, like, thousands of dollars sometimes. Yes. Yeah, because you go through, like, four people.

It's another thing of it is, yeah, your insurance is always like, oh, it's a specialist or whatever. If you have insurance. Yeah, I don't. I don't have insurance. If you do have insurance, only certain ones are in network and all that. and if you like somebody they're never in network right I was about to say

I was gonna say Thomas the only therapist would I have had health insurance that have been in network like I go to visit them and they're like 88 year old like gnarled women just like 102 pounds

and they're like well these things happen to people you know and it's all about passive like they're women the worst therapist

ever in Weatherford and she was like like a wine mom where like zebra print and stuff and I had like the fried like Bob Oh no She was like do you have any trauma

And I was like No As I had I had an ankle monitor on during this person No I don't Yeah yeah She's okay She's

I remember her saying something She said that cigarettes Are the most addictive drug in the world and that quitting cigarettes is harder than quitting anything else

and I said no that's not true and she said no I quit cigarettes it was the hardest thing I've ever done it's the hardest thing you can quit

and I was like well one of my friends the guy addicted to Xandex and his friends had to follow him around in a car while he walked around on the sidewalk

for like a year like a long time for like two years you ever go to jail and you see somebody they got like a if they got like meth rooms for people to just freak out and hit the walls

and sweat yeah when you when you withdraw from opiates it's pretty common that you shit yourself it's pretty common that you die yeah if you don't have medical intervention it's pretty common it's pretty common that you die yeah actually it's cigarettes it's it's like no i had to quit smoking too it's it sucks it sucks it sucks really bad usually go back to

it what i'm saying is quitting benzos like heroin even in my most reckless days i just straight up didn't try because i knew that i was too much for pussy to ever get off of it like i yeah Yeah, yeah. Because I'm the guy I, shit, if I do anything once and I like it, then I'll dabble. I'll dabble, you know what I mean?

Oh, for sure, yeah. The only reason I stopped doing drugs is I stopped having fun doing drugs. Yeah, yeah. I just felt like a loser and especially when you get overweight. Yeah.

It sucks to be on drugs because you just turn into like a fucking hot air balloon and you don't feel like a sexy young guy no no loathing in las Vegas uh-uh just feel like chris farley all the time yes yes dude yeah that's so funny chris farley if he wasn't talented that's how it yeah he was a millionaire one of the funniest people that ever lived i remember when i was like a rail thin at like 20 19 and 20 i was like the rail thin skinny cokehead that like all of my shirts were real baggy

and i had like you know the gaunt kind of cheekboney thing going on and i was like you can do cocaine and pills then you know what i mean it's you shouldn't it ruins your relationships it fucks your life up but just pure aesthetically that is a great look people want to say oh that guy looks strung out some of the most handsome men look strong out it's a look for sure but when you're like 265 and you're just like ah man i've just been going through some stuff uh i think i'm addicted to oxy people are like yeah you're gonna have to clean that up man they're not like oh you know what man stuff happens but we're really proud of you there's none of that when you're a fat drug addict it's like yeah you're gonna have to pack that shit up yeah you're you're gonna have to

really you make noises when you breathe uh you stink uh we're kind of tired of like looking after you know what i mean so yeah pretty privilege and drug addiction kind of go hand in hand for sure because dude one of my favorite things about that i'm so glad you bring it up is people will pull up i've seen like pictures of kirk cobain like a month before he dies, like people will post it from time to time, like, you know, in remembrance and they're like, you know, uh, he was, he was so handsome, you know, like, it's such a tragedy. He was such a good looking man. And he had that, just that look about him, you know, and it's like, when I look at him, I'm like, that looks like a guy who's so addicted to heroin that he like can't, he can't,

he can't do anything but go buy heroin and do it. You know what I mean? Whereas like, you know, people, People look at pictures of Chris Farley towards the end And they're like, ah You know, you can see it in his eyes When ugly girls do coke, it's so gross Two What'd you say? Wait, wait

I said when ugly girls do coke is so gross Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, gorelock Yeah, it is gross Same with guys, but like You see a fat person snorting something And it's like, whoa, a little piggy, you know Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Take it easy, pal. You know, when a fat person snorts something, you could tell they wish they were eating it. Whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember like, dude, I remember distinctively, I think I told you this. I remember distinctively the moment where I crossed in from like lanky, strung out, kind of like big t-shirt, big jacket, cool drug addict to fat. And I was on the porch of my own house with. my old roommate Jay we were on the man we bought a quarter ounce of cocaine together and we were

just we were playing rocket league and just drinking miller high life and uh and doing cocaine and me him and like two other guys it was not a party it was just like i mean it was one of the funnest fucking times i've ever had in my life but it was just four dudes splitting a quarter ounce of yak and like i think like 48 miller high lives we had like two cartons of cigarettes i don't know what precipitated this but we were like you guys want to just have a fucking weekend fuck the girls like I don't want any girlfriends here

that's just the main boys and this fucking you know eight six eight grams of cocaine and fucking 48 beers sound good and and 80 cigarettes yeah sounds like an amazing time and uh this is a porch of my house mind you we go out on the porch to smoke

and my buddy jay goes he just looks at me up and down kind of side to side He goes, bro, you kind of got fat as fuck. I was like, uh, what? He was like, you kind of, you're kind of fatter than shit, dude. I have really never noticed it up until now. Maybe it's the porch light hitting you, but you're fat as fuck. Dude, when the fuck did this happen?

Because we hung out every day. Like, every day of our lives, we hung out. And I was like, dude, I'm the same. I haven't gained, like, maybe I've gained like 10 pounds. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is like, we're talking. 60, 70, maybe even 80 pounds. And I was like, no, you're fucking, you're crazy.

I hadn't weighed myself. I wasn't in the gym. I wasn't working out. He was like, no, dude, you're probably, like, close to, like, 300 pounds. And I was like, I'm like 210 max. Like, the next morning I'm all hung over, like, bad coke hangover. I didn't sleep. But I used my roommate's scale, and sure enough, 270.

I just, but I was in that delusion of, like, we were talking about it the other day where it's like I was buying bigger clothes and then just being like yeah I weigh the same but I'm not thinking about the waist size or the shirt size I was just like yeah 38's what I've always worn I've always worn 48 inch jeans

I've always worn I've always worn double XL shirts and sweaters I've all you know I've always worn double XL underwear it's just yeah yeah I've never I've always had size 42 jeans I would still get size 34 but I go yeah it's hard with

my, I have genetically like pretty big thighs I hold a lot of muscle in my thighs yeah, yeah, yeah. So that can be difficult and then when I would take my pants off, it would take me about five minutes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they wouldn't be skinny jeans. These would be like relaxed fit. I feel

I feel bad like to your point earlier too about the like ugly girls. It's like, like you do you do live in a world of Like, you know, for the past little while, like, the look. Actually, it's kind of come back in style. Like, there was, like, the biggest beautiful thing, like, 10 years ago. And now all the actresses are getting, like, their bucle fat removal. And they're, like, getting their eyebrows shaved. And they look, fucking, they look like.

Finally, thank God. They're, like, like, low-rise. Like, everybody's skinny is back in or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, it's got to, you know, you're in, like, a party setting. You're a young dude. And, you know. like you're fat and you're doing drugs with another fat girl

you guys are both fat together that's perfectly fine it's a beautiful thing but you are viewed differently than the cool skinny couple that are sharing their 40 bag you know what I mean

and I don't want anybody I know that I'm alienating some of the audience by saying this but I'm just letting you know that's just the way that it is nobody looks at a fat couple and I think God

that's goals unfortunately yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not saying

anything I'm really not be your big beautiful self be your big beautiful self you're never at Disneyland and you see

two 500 pound people kissing and you go God I want to be like that yeah yeah yeah I mean

you know you don't yeah yeah see you're at the dive bar and you see like a 300 pound dude with his hands in the pant in the back of his pants of the pants of his fat wife and you're like god I hope to be them one day like that's never something you know it even crosses the mind of the average man I mean it's like that meme of like you know the HR meme where it's like look good Susan you know thank you fat guy says it call HR it's kind of it's kind of it's kind of that it's kind of true but you know now if you're going to be fat and you're going to be huge got to be you got to be funny or you got to have a really cool skill you know what i mean

that's kind of got to be the way that it is we're good at cooking or yeah yeah nice yeah nice yeah you ever been a mean mean fat guy absolute zero likeability on that yeah i've been a mean fat guy so i know like you not a lot of people were willing to put up up with that if you breathe like this man very common as well mean fat women oh yeah yeah especially you go to DMVs

you go to post offices and they spawn in places like that yeah yeah people like I guess for example Ellen DeGeneres people like that she's

I mean by my standard she's an absolute whale if I had to be completely honest yeah I get you she's got to be pushing 125 at this point it's disgusting yeah she really needs to tighten it up she's to tighten that shit up yeah and I could

I can say that now that I'm um less than 10 pounds away from being under 200 pounds you know what I mean I'm medically no longer obese I'm overweight so yeah and I only have about

33 pounds more to lose before I'm not overweight. Yeah, it is kind of fucked up when you see that, like, because I'm barely at it. And I'm, I'm 186.6.1, and it's like, yeah, you're almost overweight. I'm like, what the fuck? What are we talking about? Yeah, I'm supposed to be like 170 pounds. I don't understand that.

Yeah, I don't. I don't get it. I get it to some degree. It's like you have different builds or what. whatever everybody feels more comfortable being a little bit overweight like everybody feels yeah yeah yeah everybody feels like they're supposed to be at least like a little bit overweight from what i understand yeah i i get all been out of shape when like europeans crack jokes about fat americans precisely because well for a lot of reasons but like our eating

our eating habits are like unlike anything in the developed world For example, you know, dinner in Europe, any parts of Europe is like an event. You're there for three or four hours. You know, you're having a couple drinks. You know, they bring out the apps. They bring out the little plates. You know, you're bullshitting. They bring out the bread.

You talk, talk, talk, talk. Then you get your entrees. You get another round of drinks. You drink the entrees. You wait, and you get dessert. And maybe you have a cup of coffee after. And that's three and a half hours. In America, a lot of the chain restaurants, they like hire.

psychiatrists and like food like food scientists to try and get you to eat as much food as humanly possible in the shortest amount of time possible in order to turn the tables uh like to turn and burn the tables and so like an ideal thing like an ideal window of time to eat four to five thousand calories of food at a place say like a bj's or a longhorn steakhouse is less than 90 minutes also in europe you're walking after you eat which is like really good for you it's like helps you digest like it's really good for in america you eat four to five thousand calories of food in sub 90 minutes not including alcohol let's just cut alcohol out of it and then you get in your car and then you drive on i 35 you know what i

mean like that that's kind of it calls to me every day like the sea like the sirens of the I had a crazy dinner last night that I followed up with like an 18-hour fast of guilt. I had a chopped cheese, but I had it on a hero, which is like a hoagie. Yeah. So it was massive. And then I had a pint of butter-pecan ice cream. Oh, damn, that sounds delicious. At 11 p.m.

Ooh, that sounds And then went to bed right after And I woke up this morning, Jake I woke up at 520 I guess About six hours after eating that meal Uh-huh And let me tell you

I was completely full I felt like I had just eaten it And I felt fucking disgusting And Yeah Yeah And so I did a really long fast and it wasn't like me trying to do like an epic thing

like it wasn't I wasn't trying to be like a fucking cool guy you know because I don't really follow I don't really I'm not disciplined enough for anything really I just waited until I got hungry to eat which was like an hour ago yeah but um I don't think I want to eat ice cream for like six months I don't do great with ice cream to begin with I never I didn't have anything catastrophic happen

but I just woke up feeling like like ice cream hung over It was terrible Oh yeah I haven't had any So there's a place next to us called Insomnia Cookies I think we went there When you and Eden were in town

And they've got this thing called a brookie It's a massive square That's half cookie half brownie And me and Ashley went and got A brookie With a scoop of ice cream on top But the people that worked there hooked it up and gave us like a triple scoop on each of our shits and I was like well

certainly there's no way you know how when you get a dessert and you go there's no way I'm gonna finish this I probably won't eat the whole thing and you're lying to yourself you're a complete and total liar you're lying to yourself you eat the whole thing in sub 10 minutes and I dude I ate the entire brownie cookie and all three scoops of the ice cream in the car me and Ashley in the car And then I had to drive around And it was like It was like while I was driving

The CIA hit me with the heart attack gun I was just like She was like How are you feeling And I was like It's fine We just gotta get dogs to the park And then I think I gotta die

I think I think I have a heart attack Because it's just It's like 2,000 calories Of nothing but cream And fucking sugar It's just you're never Ever The human body was like never, ever, ever designed to take in that much horse shit.

Maybe it was. I don't fucking know. Sometimes when people say that it pisses me off, I'll retract my previous statement. When people are like, if you gave a chip to a Victorian child, he would explode. Fucking, my great granddad was addicted to alcohol by the time he was like 10. He grew up during the Great Depression. like if you gave a 20th century field hand you know at fucking talkies he would he would immediately die my great grandpa drank turpentine i'm pretty sure like i can't fucking like i think i don't think

that shit's true at all they worked like in uh they like children got killed in industrial lathes for like a hundred years pretty sure they could handle like a 40 or something or like a like a four loco whatever the fuck actually i'm pretty sure they would enjoy it like a like a Like a Dickens novel era, Victoria kid, you give him a tropical punch for Loco? I bet he has the fucking time of his life. I bet he's in hog heaven if you hand that shit to his ass. I'll go back and I'd show those kids Kaisenat and say, this is what you can become in the future. Yeah, black.

Yeah, you can become a black man, a black streamer. I didn't even think about his color. I did. I guess I'm just different like that, Jake. I don't really divide streamers based on race. Yeah, I do. a whole kind of racial streamer hierarchy

Charlie Kirk was at the top but he's gone now he was he did stream he he was I would he did stream so would you consider Tim Poole a streamer or more

YouTuber he's a journalist yeah he has a journalist yeah he's a journalist yeah he's an investigative journalist what does he investigate

he investigates where all his hair went that's called a motherfucking zing a dinger let's call a goddamn let's fucking no yep hold on yeah and losing your hair means you're a bad person

by the way yep if you're balding especially if you're huge and fat like an idiot yeah they love they love you they love that they love that

anyway yeah I don't know what the fuck I feel like I was going to I mean I know we don't really like do politics on the show, but I was like, I mean, Trump's going to die, like, pretty soon. And I'm, like, wondering what all these guys are going to do? I mean, I guess I'll stick around. Like, all the Bernie people stuck around, you know, and they, like, they were able to

maintain their thing. But I wonder what happens when the motherfucker finally dies. Because J.D. Vance isn't not, he doesn't have enough swag. He doesn't have enough panache. He's like a bisexual theater kid who kind of got like forced die cast molded into being a Catholic dais vault guy. You can see that like every ounce of him like is fighting to get out of the show. Every ounce of the theater kid is just like just fucking tearing at the sinew of his muscles and his connects to his skin to get out of that fucking Catholic deus vault body. You can see it.

You can see it. The eye makeup. He had some work done recently. You can see that for sure. I think he's got cheek filler or something. I think he got a microderm abrasion. His skin is way too smooth on his cheeks. I believe he also got Botox.

If you're asking me how I know what these things are, I watch a lot of reality television with my beautiful fiancé. And she tells me when I say, why does this lady look like she was stung by bees? And my fiancé will say, those are called cheek fillers. And I say, And I say, why does that lady's skin look like it was cheese-graded down to a kind of an alabaster, you know, uncanny valley smoothness? And she said, oh, that's called microdermibration and chemical peels, to which I say.

Sounds about right. Anyway, Mr. Vance looks like he has that shit. And he's not going to be able to carry the torch. He doesn't have enough fucking panache, pizzazz. He doesn't have enough fucking juice. What's up, Tom? Tom had to dip out for a second to go check on his, uh, make sure that all the child porn

he keeps on his computer was still there. Yep, still there. Just had to go check. Yep. Just had to... Still there. You know, I'd have to get rid of a lot of it. You can watch this stuff anymore.

There was a guy in my old hometown that was caught with something like 30 terabytes. And I've always wondered, like, when you... Whenever one of those dudes gets caught with, like, that amount of, out, I'm like, you're not watching. Like, there's no way you're watching all of that. It's like $50,000. Yeah, okay.

I see, that's one part of it. Yes, but I'm like, you know, okay, even if you're selling it, like, that's not for personal consumption. Part of me wonders if it becomes like a baseball card thing. And I don't mean that to be funny. I mean that in like I think guys have horrible specific fetishes, too, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know it. Yeah.

Solo decks of all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just never, I can never... You should definitely be attacked physically for. Armed and hurt in various ways. Whenever I, like, that's like, I don't like the pet O'Hunter guys. I don't, I don't, I don't, I think that, I think, we've talked about in the show. I think a lot of that is beating up on guys who can't reach.

I'm just going to keep it a bill. People get mad at me when I bring this up all the time. They say I'm defending pedophiles. I'm like, watch five of those videos and two out of the five, the guy that they're beating up very clearly doesn't know. Like, he thinks he is best friends with Spider-Man. It says it's one of them deals. Speaking of being best friends with Spider-Man,

if you're having trouble shooting your web, this is the ad in the middle of the show. I repeat, this is the ad in the middle of the show. Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Manuscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu. 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos? Complete nerd. Bezos now?

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See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. And I just want to note that I use the hardmints, both to get my dick hard and also for the minty sensation when I suck myself off. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that's a nice one to have I like the I like those too But I don't really

Like I don't use them to get hard I just use them to spruce up Before I go drunk drive I just go to the store Take a couple hard mints And go shopping I just take it before class I got clean ass breath

And I'm in math Dick harder than a fucking Tungsten rod And I'm learning Cal 2 If any of you guys are in Carl I'm trying to teach teacher i got something to say i don't know if you can tell baby but i got something to talk about a teacher i'm fucking rock solid and i need to let the kids know about a thing or two

add over ad ended um glad that glad that is um glad that that's over and not because of any particular reason just because uh it's a different part of the show um anyway what's i saying would you if you could um Stop a pedophile by kissing him, would you? What kind of kiss? Like with a princess and a frog type situation Where it's like

If you kiss the pedophile, he'll stop being one He's cured? Like he's cured Just like a regular like classic smooch Okay, just just I'm not no tongue One of the lips, you don't have to fucking right here. Yeah, of course, man, I'll kiss that motherfucker

If it's if it cures him? We got a bunch coming over your house right now You better kiss him fast Because I've got a hundred lined up for your bitch we've got a hundred Jake Rhodes versus 100 pedophiles He's got to kiss him all

Under 30 minutes There's an alternate universe where Instead of pedophile hunters They're hunting the one guy in the neighborhood Who's not a pedophile Yeah Yeah yeah All the pedophiles are just hunting the guys

Yeah It's a D.C edition Yeah Senator we've Do you might explain These screenshots of you talking to a woman who you believed to be of age. This guy's,

this guy's here in the store to meet a 28 year old woman. Oh, come on, she looks 16. She said she was 28, but I didn't believe her. This guy's at the store to meet a 33-year-old woman. People start throwing tomato can. I swear, I swear, I thought it was a kid. Oh, my God. Fuck!

She looked, she looked young. They're like in his face slapping. I'm like, see this text message? Where you said, let me get it. 28-year-old pussy. You see this? You sick, fuck. You nasty piece of shit.

What would your parents think about this? She says she hadn't gone to college yet. I was really hoping she was in high school. The Everett's multiverse theory. There's always one. Do you remember we were talking about it on an episode, a long time ago, about that one petto-hunter video where the pedophile beat the fuck out of all the hunters? They were in like the back of a lows or something

And I remember watching that video And being like Like Like dude If I If I got my ass beat by a pedophile On camera You gotta go home and kill yourself

Like Yeah I mean I also think if you are a pedophile And you're listening to this Your top priorities should be Getting as good at fighting As strong as possibly Yeah yeah

Yeah Well no no no no Top priority should be cure yourself in some way. Number two, cure yourself. Number one, get strong. It can't be stopped. Learned jiu-jitsu or kickboxing or something. Yeah, because these guys are coming for your ass daily.

There's like 80 of these YouTubers now, and they've got like, they roll like four or five deep. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking about a sketch that I could have fun. You're getting jumped by eight Uncle Lasers. They're like, like hey buddy i heard you're here to be the kid and that ain't that ain't that ain't cool there are a lot of things that are fucking cool man but i ain't any one of them so we're

gonna have to give you a smack or two i was thinking about a sketch that it just you just can't film it but it's like a kind of like one of those athlete like a like a never back down or the fighter style like montage where it's a pedophile and uh it's just you know like it's it's like 10 minutes of you know like a montage of bag work um you know how in the ufc like championship fights they show those things before where it's like them sparring and like hitting the bag and it's them with their families and shit you know and like going to their day job and it's all the trauma porn that the UFC likes to like sell because like the rags the richest thing is their whole story but it's just all that it's just a guy that's like yeah you know I uh you know I got this hunger

inside of me you know I tried to cure it I tried therapy you know I tried the books you know I even tried the AI stuff it just wasn't the same so I knew you know, this world were living and I had to put in the extra rounds. And like Ron Perlman's voice, Tom knew he couldn't stop himself from consuming child pornography. So he had to take the hard road.

The hard world and the hard way. And it cuts to him on Google, but he's huge as shit. It's like he's got a VPN and stuff. I was like, God, that'd be so funny to fucking make, but it would be funny for, like, me and three of my friends. And then I would have probably spent $1,000 making a sketch in which I would,

probably play the pedophile and then do a Christian bail and get down to like 4% body fat for the character well guys YouTube is once again silencing creators I've been demonetized on it for no reason so if you want to support please follow me on gum road yeah on kick or rumbo dude dude have you ever like searched through some of like the most popular videos on kick or rumble. No, I haven't been on there. It's funny to go on there because half of it is like, half of the ads are like,

for literal amulets, like amulets that you can wear that will like fight off EMF radiation and like, like, I guess, CIA brainwaves. And then the other half are like supplements that like activate your chi and shit. I mean, it's complete, like it's complete dungeons and dragons over there in terms of their advertising. Like people literally like necklace,

ruins um jewels and shit different types of magic um and yeah a lot of like a lot of podcasts by war criminals which i think is like um i remember uh like messaging set harp and i was like hey love your book man we were talking about the operator podcast thing and like we live it is very very morbidly funny to live in an era of like you know there's no geneva can there's no Nuremberg or whatever for us you just uh the guys that should be in trial just get to like just get to have pods they just get to do this like they get to come back after like you know doing fucking uh like the rape of nan king or whatever the fuck and they're like yeah you know all my brother's out there you know some of them their bones are part of the dust at the desert

you know oh good lord i don't accidentally did the rape of BB King I've created inadvertently a deeply soulful man on the day I was born that's not

BB King is I don't think so that's George Thore good that's George Thore good completely that's a white guy completely different man yeah yeah anyway the rape of

BB King nice he's a he's a treasured fucking that's true he's super dead okay oh speaking of speaking of dead guys we've all the internet is like evolved past i guess like uh morning charlie kirk's death uh people are doing ai photos of his face on like porn star's faces and stuff and uh believe me i have no love in my heart for the guy or whatever but right now is a very now is a very very bad time to be a content creator and to die tragically. It's very bad. It's bad.

Like, it's not a good time. It's a really bad time to be like an agent, to be like a provocateur in some way, and to pass away before your time. Yeah, it doesn't really matter, though, because you're dead. Right. It doesn't matter because you're dead, but your family's still alive. Like, your kids are still very much alive. Your wife, you know, or whomever.

Like, your family is very much alive. And your family is very much on the phone. Everybody's on the phone. So they're going to see AI photos of you on Sasha Gray's body getting blown the fuck out by Johnny Sins in that one classic scene that we all know what I'm talking about. Gooners rise up. And that would, that I feel like, you know, yeah, you're right. You wouldn't know because you're dead. You don't know anything, you know.

I was not I am I was I care not Whatever the fuck quote that is You're dead you don't know anything But if you die In death you're part of the zeitgeist Yeah That's tough

No it's good What else are you doing all this for You want to be famous or not If I died right now I want Charlie Kirk deepfakes Of me you Getting fucked in the ass By like a dog

Within 30 minutes of what happened You're going the other way You say fuck it, run it Just Get my money up Just take it Just as long as some of it Makes it to the estate

I have no honor left There's no dignity here Fuck it We've been doing this podcast Five years I haven't had anything to say One time Fuck it

Fuck it. You want to make videos of me getting fucked me. You got 10,000 hours of me not saying shit. But go ahead. If, make an NFT of my face on Charlie Kirk's back and it's a big black guy. And it's George Floyd blowing out Charlie Kirk and my face is on his bag. I don't care. Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? My grandma sees it. She's not going to remember it. She just barely knows who she is anymore Oh man That's funny I actually would prefer if she didn't see that That wouldn't be good

Anyway, just about anybody else Who cares Yeah, yeah That's a good point I guess Yeah What legacy am I trying to continue My family fought in the Confederate Army You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah Yeah, my family fought on the side of slavery And even after slavery was over They were really mad about it up until some of them still aren't over it. They're not at all over it. My family was too stupid to even have slaves. Really?

Yeah, it's like if we bought GameStop stock like this year. You know what I mean? Yeah, AMZ, yeah. Yeah. My family definitely own them. It's one of the stories of like Southern's Fall from Grace were like like 200 uh yeah i guess like 200 years ago um my mom's side of the family at least not my dad's my dad's side of the family were like one of those where they like you're talking

about like way too stupid to even own people they were like german immigrants that like came over here and basically were alcoholics up until i'm i mean i'm an alcoholic so you know like till now it just never stopped they were they never got sober enough to even buy one slate but my mom's side they were fucking they were buying and selling like hotcakes and then when that shit became not legal anymore immediately thrust into poverty like like just like horrible poverty and you know it's deserved i don't ever want to have any and i don't want any you know any type of uh like oh damn i wish we i wish that didn't happen you know that's we all deserved worse after that like the south the people i don't think

the union treated the south harshly enough saying that as a sob blah blah blah now that you're a yankee you're blah blah blah blah blah blah blah stupid motherfucker you know what we did to you people it wasn't fair but as a new yorker you know you get what you give confeder a piece of shit You fucking traitor Fucking copperhead Just making up Make it up

No that was a term For if you lived in the south And you joined the union Oh was it really? I didn't know that That's funny That's interesting Yeah

Yeah they bring your house down Oh well Oh fuck That sucks I still got I still got family that is Because they would try And make smores

In there while you were gone And they didn't I don't control the fires Oh my guy He went off the door in the union I'm gonna make some more In this house where he's gone He's not gonna know

Fuck I burn his family To get a bunch of fucking house down I killed the whole family Burn up all the sheeps and goats Shit All the cotton fields I burn them to pieces

Oh my shit I burn up all the slaves on accident Oh my God I'm trying to make smalls I thought I was supposed to be the good guy I burned up all the slaves I seriously accidentally just burned up a whole bunch of slaves

that was so bad just like a private raising his hand in the union army uh mr grant sir mr gwent uh i went to burn up all the houses in uh in georgia and i burned up all the slaves

i did not realize that they were chained down I started the fire and I said all right you guys come run out with me and something horrible proceeded to happen and it was It was very social and awkward, a lot of people yelling me, so I just went ahead and went back to base.

I have very bad social anxiety, so I had to weave immediately. I did, was, I met to retrieve the marshmallows that I brought to the cabin. Some of them were burnt in the process, not a big deal, considering all the lives who were washed. Yes. But overall, I would say definitely not a positive experience. And I do feel very sorry for all of the slaves that I tragically killed and destroyed. oh man

uh fuck yeah i remember when my uh i knew that i well i found out much later um but my i i have people in my family that called it like people like my uncle and like his side of that side of the family they call it the they still call it the war of northern aggression they're one of those types you know what mean like um they get very they wax poetic about dixie you know what i mean like they get very like wisty, uh, misty-eyed, very teary-eyed about just talking, just talking about the Georgia planes.

You know what I mean? Like I don't, not something I, else I never really fundamentally understood about people. Like, uh, like my old, like kind of like my old school southern side of the family. Getting teary-eyed about Biloxi Mississippi. You know what I mean? Like when people talk about California and, you know, know like they're from there like people are proud california is a beautiful place i don't really like you know i don't the politics what i don't care but you're like yeah you know um

tallahassee is just you know it does something to the spirit when you when you hit you know hans you when you hit mobile and you see you know the flat just you see the flatness of it all the grayness of it all the emptiness of it all it just feels you with you the sense of joy and pride you want to die for it if heaven ain't like dixie you know i don't want to go that type of shit which i never understood because i'm like i traveled a bit and i was like you this i've been to mississippi and arkansas and alabama i've been there but to georgia too nice places i don't know if i'm dying for him you know what i mean like i don't know maybe i would have thought differently back then you know if i was like a functionally illiterate

I imagine you didn't feel welcome anywhere else other than where you grew up, you know what I mean? I mean, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, you're going to, yeah, yeah. But I do think that is, not, I mean, obviously, like, the moral aspect of it is stupid, but I think it is very dumb to be like, you know, it's, it's Dixie, brother. You know, it's just that southern, southern pride. I was like, if toilet ain't a lot like skib day, I don't want to flush. Toilet ain't a lot Like Skippity

You ever think about like you're like When we were driving through I took a road trip up When my band was on tour We went through a lot of the like places Like a lot of the major battlefields of Civil War I think about like my Like great great

You know whatever the fuck You know To the 8th or 9th or 10th power Just getting like a fucking huge musket ball just fucking like straight through your fucking just taking your

whole ass leg off and you're just fucking bleeding out you got about two minutes you know you're just bleeding out in some fucking field in Gettysburg fuck that would have sucked ass

just you know like just you know you're just hearing him fly by foo you're like damn that was a close You know what I mean? Just some fucking union guy with a big ass sword. Like,

Rao. Cutting your fucking arm off. Fuck, that shit would suck ass. And you're dying for Alabama. You know what I mean? That's what you're dying for. No offense to the Alabamans who wasn't to the show. Yeah, it's a fine state.

I just don't particularly think that if... I maintain that if I was ever conscripted into any war, I'm risking going a while. That's going to be me. I don't care what war it is. World War III, you know, some type of civil war. If I'm conscripted, I am deserting at the first chance I get. What's the age cap on the draft?

They had raised it to like 38, I think. Oh, okay. So you've got a couple of years left. Well, it's very funny because I'm like, I'm like, I'm trying to think of like all the older millennials that I know, like the Gen X, like, millennial cuss people that I know. and none of them are capable of doing anything except playing balder's gate and like going to like doing dungeons and dragons themed

like wine parties they're just bullet they would be bullet bait out the fucking gate immediately they're getting mowed down by the PLA in fucking two seconds immediately you know what I mean that's another thing I don't think either of us are really top of the top of the list

no well the the thing is though in war time but guys like you and me are just they just need bodies it's like going to normandy it's just it's just that's how you win the war is just bodies you just throw you just that man's how the soviets want it oh i got a body all right a big juicy booty for the army eat me up uncle sam i think i'm going to try putting my booty on the enemy the guy's like yeah you don't need to do that it's not what we do here at the mall where we send people for the army

I think what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make the enemy sniff something that he ain't gonna like yeah I don't know what you mean by that you probably won't see combat realistically you know it looks like you got some community college experience and stuff will probably

you know realist school probably have you working in a warehouse or something like that tank mechanic or something I hope you don't put me in the booty army yeah we don't have a booty army that's not a thing I don't think any nation has a booty army I heard Atlanta had a booty army yeah not a nation not a nation so you don't have to worry about that okay you're like getting like briefed it's like after mandatory boot came it's like the Chinese have arrived in California they have taken

California. So what we're going to do is we're going to push through Nevada. All right. It's going to be pretty tough. We're going to have a lot of mountainous trains. It's going to be very, very hot. So I want you guys to be prepared not only to engage the enemy directly, but to understand the terrain will be unforgiving, as will the weather. So I just want to make sure you guys know what you're in for and what you're prepared to do. Okay, I see a hand in the back. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, go ahead. We are open for questions, boys. It's okay. I know you just got drafted. So, yeah, you in the back what's what's your problem what's what's what's on your mind sir soldier

uh do you think that the booty's enemy will the the enemy's booty will sorry i'm going to restart that's okay sir that soldier i know we're nervous you that's okay soldier yeah do uh do you think the enemy's booty will stank um from in the intelligence that we have gathered the pl a a rather clean-cut group of men. I imagine that the penis lovers

anonymous? Incorrect. That's going to be the People's Liberation Army. But China? That is China. China. So my question,

I'm going to my follow-up question, why wouldn't they call it something Chinese so we would know going in what nation it is we're dealing with? Maybe China's C-P-L-A. See, you know, now that I think about it, maybe not the best name.

Maybe I see why they did PLA. I would have done PLA as well. That don't sound too good at all. I mean, right as soon as I left my mouth, I realize old Xi Jinping's on or something keeping that C out of there.

Just you lower your hand. You go, Sergeant, never mind. Sergeant, I'd like to retire now. I'd like to retire. I'd like to be honored. discharged at this time. I said CPLA, I just want to let you know I retire. I'm sorry.

I would like to honorably discharge myself from the Army now. Yeah. Oh, fuck. They're playing war games with the board, you know, the contiguous United States or whatever. And the generals, like, the CPLA, they've taken the wording coast. Yeah. And they've taken all the same.

San Diego. Yeah, they're going up through the Bay Area. Yeah, yeah. San Francisco's gone. And the one guy raised his hand. C.C.P. L.A.? Yeah, Chinese People's Army. Oh, okay. That's sorry. My mind went somewhere else. I'm sorry. That's my fault. That's my fault. I was making sure it didn't stand for Los Angeles.

I was making sure. I hate L.A. That's fake as fuck there. Just like a like a withered ex-special forces general like at his 50s. Fuck, L.A. L.A. Baddies be fake as fuck.

I don't want them on our side. They only hang around because they think they can get something from you, you know what I mean? That's why, oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. I hope that Rachel Sennett's doing good. I'm glad she's getting her. All of the, everybody's doing good. Everybody's getting their careers going.

Yeah, good for everyone. everybody else except for me let me give so fuck about me why can't I be a ritual you're deeming her why can't I be you

why can't I have your success instead of you I've been doing rituals in my room I wrote the movie bottoms and you made it before I could oh fuck it was gonna be me

and Iyo dabadieri Hey, hey, I know how you made, you know how you made a show about being hot in L.A.? I've got a show about being kind of ugly in Austin, Texas. It's nowhere near as entertaining at all, and it won't have a revolving cast of pictures. I've got a show about me being a bad friend and a generally tough hang in New York City. Yeah, I got a show about me and my co-host being generally bad guys to be around, not morally, but just kind of not cool. hang out with and we split we split our time between new york and austin and it's like seinfeld if they if none of that they didn't hang out with each other yeah mostly

we text each other videos of half naked black guys and then bomb on stage six times a week that's pretty much that's the whole show rachel so if you want to put any of your connections behind that rachel there's any way you could help me out medically uh i need blood transfusions fast The last one was Jacob Allorty, so I guess this one's Rachel's Senate. Rachel's in it. You must give me all of your... That's mutual right there. Oh, that's me...

Oh, you guys are Mucci's? That's cool. That's nice. I'm not Muckees. Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Long time. Never spoken. I don't think she knows that she falls me. Probably an accident or something.

Okay. Yeah, we'll keep hands off Mucchis. I'm sorry about that. That's okay. She probably doesn't care whether I live or die on it. Yeah, probably not Doesn't give a fuck Yeah

I don't think I don't think I don't even think We're not really in each other's lives If I'm being honest Um Oh fuck God damn it

Um Anyway Uh if you're listening to this I love CPLA I'm with that Yeah That'll be the name of the episode Yeah

Maybe not yeah please we take that one around the block before we show it yeah we spend that one when I go to when I'm mixing and mastering the episode so people can yell at me

I'll give I'll give that one some thought yeah for sure yeah that'd have been a funny one if back then Joe Online and fucking Mao we're like we should name it the CPA

really we can just shorten it to CP Chinese peoples You know, they're probably like, nah, the Americans are wrong. A lot of people don't know what CPA actually stands for with tech stuff. It's actually pretty dark when you look at the history of it. Cool. Pussy? Cool player.

Ah. Cool player. Ah. Cool player. Yeah. What is it? People's, yeah, yeah. Players liberating asses.

Chinese people's association for fighting people. A Chinese people's Asian Association of the Army. There you go. The C-A-A-O-A, yeah, or P. Yeah, something like that. N-D-A-S national association for Asian and Chinese people. Fight. I fucking, dude, I love when people will make memes

And the memes will be like a crying Asian soldier And it's like, you know, POV you just landed in Appalachia And the joke, the meme is Is that like the PLA would get stomped by like Appalachian, you know Like rednecks or whatever with all their guns And I'm like, I'm an American And I've been a real.

around those places plenty of times plenty plenty of times i've been in that area through and through um yeah they're they're a very well-armed people no doubt uh but i don't know if you guys know i've ever heard of this thing that's happening nationwide but particularly in that kind of stretch of land it's called the opiate crisis so the pla could like i think the pla could hit the shores of the carolinas like tonight and people in both of the carolinas would not know until like Saturday morning I just saying it I know there's

there's quite a few people out there who are ready for it but I don't think people and I don't think Appalachians I love you guys I fucking I love the area I absolutely love the history it's a beautiful place old I like places like that I also don't think that people

in Appalachia could fight a monitored standing army I'm just I also think that that's just true you know we call a spade a spade Are you going to get P. Paul up out of his fucking oxy nod to, like, get his old Winchester's to fucking do what? To fight a goddamn drone army or to fight a 22-year-old fucking, I don't know, I guess the Chinese have their own kind of special forces, guys. I don't know what they're called. Yeah, they wear special, like, kind of straw hats.

It's kind of interesting. It's really racist, dude. They blow darts. They've got, like, poisonous pieces of rice they shoot out of big stalks of bamboo it's really interesting

they've got huge gongs they carry everywhere it's really yeah they'll they'll ring a gong really close to your ears and it hurts your ears it incapacity it's like their version of a concussion grenade yeah they sneak into your house at night and hit a big gong and then they go in and they start shooting they start room clearing

yeah they um they have an really interesting torture method for captives where they they have a really big store that they put you in, and then they tell you there's not a bathroom in it. Even though you can clearly see... Even though through the basic floor plan,

there definitely has to be building code-wise. There has to be a bathroom. No. You can clearly see a bathroom in the left-hand corner of the store behind the kitchen. You can see two of them. And when you say, hey, can I use that? go we have no have bathroom and you go

oh is it out of order and they say no we no have and you go oh I don't have it dude I love that I love going into an old Chinese restaurant in Houston and there's a men's and women's bathroom when you go hey can I take it

where's the bathroom at and they go no have you're like that over there no no work no have You're like, all right, that's fine, I guess. And you're arguing with like the nine-year-old fucking cash register.

That's something, I know, I'm pretty sure you saw this, because I don't know if it's in other places in the country. But I guess child labor laws don't apply to Asian immigrants that move to Texas. Every fucking Kalachi store I go to, every fucking, like, every other Vietnamese restaurant, the front desk worker is like not a guy. goddamn day older than 10 12 at the most you know what I mean

and they're you know they're the only person there that speaks English which is fun like don't crack nope that kid is 40 years old yeah that's a good point Asians don't age so you know he probably could be like 18 or 19 years old

you know who fucking know I would be here's the thing though I would be taken aback if I went to a store I went to get some burgers and the kid at the front register was white. You know what I mean? I would not... And that's probably a little bit racist on my part.

I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say. That would throw me off. If I went to like a sausage joint, you know, or like a hamburger place, and the person at the front of the register was like 10, 10 and white. You go to an Asian restaurant and the person that's front of the rest of the cash register person's like 11. You're like, yeah, that tracks.

You know what I mean? Same thing with Mexican joints. The person working the front desk. The fucking host stand could be like 12 years old. You're like, eh, yeah, you know, that's fine. But I don't see it working for white restaurants. I've never seen it in a soul food or a black type joint. So maybe they don't do that shit either.

Yeah. Just my observations, though. These are just pure ethnography on my part. Yeah. I'm kind of a culture study guy. No, it's important. Somebody's got to do it. Somebody's got to say stuff.

Yeah. No, I feel you. Okay. If you listen to this, please come to the shows. Linktree.com slash Pendejo time, December 5th, New York City, Eastville Comedy Club 9.30. And then January 24th, Saturday at 9 o'clock at Next In Line in Philly. But get those tickets. If you live in New York, please come to the New York show so we can sell that motherfucker out post-haste. The owner will not give me ticket updates, and he refuses to respond to my. emails so i'm pretty sure that it's going to be awesome um but yeah please come to those shows shows linktree.com slash pendejo time i don't think i have any spots uh lined up oh yeah i'm doing stand-up this friday shakespeare's and austin uh down dirty sixth so uh go see that thomas um january eighth come see me in kingston new york i don't have a link you 4th, 830, January 8th, Keegan Zale House.

Beautiful. All right, that'll about do it. Bye. Bye.