Pendejo Time - high school hand hold

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

were growing up now we're getting out of this town im 44 wow and I still text you meow :3Support the show

Are you ready for the best show you've ever seen in your whole life? It's got laughs. It's got love. It's got intrigue. It's got cool guys. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing one half of the best show, the best podcast on earth. That's right. You know, I'm in love him from the Raping TV Thomas white Hey, please Thomas white. I'm out of prison. I'm ready to kill and

If you know Thomas and you know me, that's right. The coolest guy on the show and the most normal one, too And he's never done anything weird or kind of bad to anybody so I hope you guys are ready for a great show on today's episode we've got great topics like how to launder money and what if a cat had a different type of body that was made of different stuff instead of what it normally is made from thomas. What are you gonna tell the people about today? I'm gonna tell them the best recipe for 15 inch a lot of and the worst recipe for 15 inch a lot of That's awesome All right. Yeah, that's pretty good man. That's that's not too bad I uh

I had not too bad. That awesome Jake yeah thank you man I appreciate that you killed it thank you dude you did amazing thank you man you do such a great job of this show such a great job producing this show everybody's happy is the best producer ever is happy with the quality. Jake is the best producer ever. Everybody's happy. Guys, let's give it up for Jake. Yeah. Here in a few seconds.

Yeah, let's look at that. Let's pause for a few seconds. I think I'm about to do this. Thank god. No, that's not it. Yeah, I had to fight something in the. Nope. That thing's, I think, Zeyzap.

I appreciate that. Thank you, man. I appreciate you. Hold on and see. Oh, yeah, thank you, guys. No, no, no, it's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. Thanks, thanks. It's fine. It's see. Oh yeah, thank you guys. No, no, no, it's cool, it's cool.

It's cool, it's cool, it's cool. Thanks, thanks. It's fine, it's fine. Hey son, why don't you pull them jeans down, pull them underwears down and let me see it. Nice. Looks good. Let me give it a little slap.

It's got some bounce to it, but I figured maybe we can get it a little bit, a little bit more stiff, maybe get even more of a bounce. Nice. I'm gonna get you one more time. I'm gonna get you one more time before I shoot you in your chest, okay? Okay.

Nice penis there, boy. It does got a good bounce. I like it. Thanks, man. Yeah. Yeah, welcome to Pendejo Time. bounce I Like it thanks man, yeah Yeah, welcome to the Pendejo time the only show The only show yeah, really the only podcast left since everything's either been bought out by

big corporations or Maybe the hosts killed a dog or something. Neither of us have enough money to not care about this. And neither of us have killed any animals on purpose, as far as I know. So, yeah, it's the highest quality dog. Not in a long time. And I had a couple squirrels, definitely not on purpose, but absolutely. Some of them got crushed under the weight of the old Nissan back in the day

And I don't think that that's wrong I've shot a few for a bullfrogs but it was for the meat You went frog hunting for real like you like you use it to make frog legs Yeah, it was is it my friend's Yeah, it's place was that in Louisiana or you doing that was in Texas. No, that's cool They get big you can no, I know they're fucking huge man. They're like they go I wish I was making this up, but they'll jump up on you and they'll try and unbuckle your belt buckle and everything just to Just for the life to be spared Yeah, they got all these they're like geese but with tongues, they got all these rows of tongues

back there. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know, a goose will have a 1500 teeth on their tongue. They got more, they got tongues on their teeth. Yeah. It's like a shark. Frogs do.

Throat full of tongue. Yeah. You probably, you're thinking, don't frogs definitely not have teeth? Well, that's what you think. Also, I think they sometimes do have fangs, but it's not really the type of same thing as a regular frog. I think feel like toads have fangs sometimes. Yeah.

I'm going to look up toad, toad fangs sometimes. Toad fangs. Toad fangs...toad fang? One of the least familiar differences between toads and frogs is that toads have no teeth while all frog species have teeth. Toads have toxic substances in the skin and parotid glands. Ingestion of Toad or Toad Cake can lead to... Toad Cake?

What the fuck is Toad Cake? Who's eating Toad Cake? No, now it's showing me stuff from Mario. It's showing me Toad Mario themed cakes. Toad cake Asian? Question mark? Yeah, here we go. Do anybody eat Toads?

I won't look up anybody in particular I like to think that song plays when does anybody eat toad ah Peru Peru and parts of Nigeria Just calling my goddamn cell phone and leaving the voice mail. It's weird to me It's no more normal to eat a frog than a toad. I feel like a toad is more of an evil animal and I feel like its evil will be translated into the meat.

More people trying to chew on it? Yeah. I like the idea that- I don't agree with killing amphibians. I Never really like take back all the amphibian lives have taken it and give them back and I'd I'd replace it all with humans. Oh I've had frog legs before not Not worth the idea of to your point like not not worth the idea of knowing that I'm eating like I don't care about frogs necessarily you know what I mean I you know it doesn't seem like but then you think about it and you're like a stupid to kill it mouse legs are pretty good yeah your mouse tail or mouse mouth alligator tongue a lot of mouse mouth growing up oh my god dude yes yeah you saw a little mouse mouth with some onions it's like barbacoa it's

just a tongue and lips and the first part of the throat the gums and stuff oh yeah let's say the cloaca what's it called cloaca cloaca that's the hole that's what that is I was thinking oh uvula. Yeah, cloaca is the duck pussy in butt zone Yeah, that's I hate that that tastes bad Yeah, no good on that one not not a delicacy anywhere I hate cloaca yeah, I can't handle it Can't handle that type of shit Yeah, no frog frog I can't do it's fine Gators not too bad pretty nice megal fried smegle yeah fried smegles pretty good Or you ever had a touch tin?

Yeah Touched chicken is pretty good touch to a molested bug not too bad Adored turkey licked squirrel licked squirrels delicious a lot a lot of people say that it has a gamey texture. Forgiven rabbit. Gotta love a nice forgiven rabbit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems like a Chinese guy's nickname. Forgiven rabbit.

It sounds badass in Chinese, and then you get it translated, and it's like studious snail. The learned doorknob yeah That's pretty yeah, what the fuck else dude. I got like I got some emo rap I was wondering if you had anything to say to the human beings out there You know me I got there's a lot of ish on my mind lately. Yeah, let's hear some of it Issues not catching on with anybody. I've been talking to I've been saying ish every day like a hundred times a day nobody says ish going through some ish right now all spotty like how sipping I just overdose on love I make him overdose on hate

I see the demons and he's green His name is Simon the green demon hey Simon hey Simon is a green demon yeah it's fine Simon is a green demon what do we got here? phone rings

hello this is child protective agencies is this Mr. Road speaking? the the the the It can be. Hello? You have reached Mr. Motherfucker? Who am I speaking to? I said who am I speaking to? You're speaking to...

The sexual... Favorite. The sexual favorite? Yeah. Yeah. I got you on a spooky beat here at 72 RXRX spooky radio. Oh my god. Y'all gonna make me freestyle or something? We got ghosts, we got bats, and then we got the one and only Dr. Vampire in the house. Dr. Vampire, you got me, that's me I think. Or Mr. Motherfucker, I'm one of those. Eeyup, Dr. Coughing Hard as Hell, ready to get started for y'all.

Yeah, me going? I'm going? Yeah. I just got out of a big bubble bath, let me dry off. Scrub-a-dub-dub in my bubbly tub, looking at my my legs and I love to have tiptoes in the covered in suns ooh ooh ooh and I got my towel. My towel has a smiley face just like the sun when I draw it and I like to watch shows and I don't pause it and you know that I just came out of the closet cause to get some of my clothes and not a metaphor and you know that I got a bunch of metaphor

Billing different sheds and stuff in my backyard and that's what I use for blacksmithing And you know that my dog goes missing every day cuz I do too much kissing Yeah, school is dismissing when I'm a substitute teacher. I don't know why they gave me that job They shouldn't have gave me that job Thank You dr. Mr.. Dracula for coming on the show dr. Vampire mr. Dracula vampire And that's mr.. Motherfucker to you This is Bob you chips

My name is Bobby Q chips, hey Bobby, how's it going brother? I had something to say about my mailbox Okay, Bobby. Yeah, let the listeners know about your mailbox Well, I feel like this mailbox been the chips family for about 17 years now Yeah, I just came outside and a bunch of hooligans the coast man stood up. Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear that Bobby I had my mailbox dressed up like her The dress that my mailbox is still just a for Halloween. I think they might have thought it was the real bottle of sweet baby rays

Bobby I think they might have bashed it over the head for thinking it was big baby rays and this is Stubbs country I'm somewhat of a copperhead as they say and here I'm sorry to hear that Bobby, but thank you I mean, I guess you know Halloween is over so am I hearing gone missing your hands gone missing It's done turn black and gone missing. I'm so sorry to hear that Bobby cute I don't care none much at all But I wanted to come to ask if I could borrow you off some money and get a new hand a new mailbox I think I need about seventy five thousand dollars for a new hand and a new mailbox Well, I think we could probably help out with that

Okay I can eat help right now cuz I'm in a real bad state and I think I think it's a certain to go downhill fast for Me and the rest by the way, my name is barbecue chips barbecue chips if you need to write that down for the write it down on the check cuz I'm Okay Sorry, it's uh, I thought I had to first off on my $75,000 check well no I mean I I think that was the initial plan

But I was trying I think there of the radio played the wrong song Bobby Bobby Bobby chips I Need a new hand in the new mailbox for my chips family cuz I don't even have a hand so if I got a new mailbox I couldn't check it I'd have to use my other hand or foot barbecue chips done died cuz he got his leg stuck in the mail new mailbox again I could see the headline now and I could see a great big cow knocking over the fits saying hey where your black hangout well thank you Bobby that was a great one I have bad news though not quite enough to get you

the hand fun but we're gonna give you oh god I think a gift card to Apple music I think was my last day of mine on earth for me I can't even tie I can't even tie a new psych can't even do it cuz I'm left-handed in my right hand is gone. I Can't even tie no knots with my left hand only I gotta get my son to help me I'm gonna get my wife to go help me. Bobby you've got a terribly sad life. My name is Barbecue Chips. Barbecue Chips, you have a terrible sad life and you have quite the story and the people

feel so so so so bad for you. I hope so, I've been feeling bad my whole life. This is about how somebody else felt bad for me The people feel so bad for not you you not wrapping your way to fixing your whole life I'm trying to cheat on my life tonight too for I kill myself too We've started a go fund me for you Bobby and it looks like the money is roll Yeah from Doritos last year so I can't perform off too well But the money, but the money

The money is coming all the way in it's rolling. Let's check what we see what we've got My member is all clogged up like an old storm great, but I'll do my best My business Bobby Let's let's stop focusing on the cheating on the wife because you need to gain sympathy from the listeners people you don't be able to Think you're a philandering Degenerate right you want to get that hand fixed up, so let's say we've got some name is cinnamon raisin Okay, we've got it looks like Bob and if you're listening, I hope I'm tired of your shit You asked me to defrost the chicken every day. I Don't wanna

I want sex All right, what's the next part of the show it's called the It's called the Let's see what was it. What is the next part of the show? Let me do it. We said producers next part of the show is Boing boing boring boring. Yeah So some top It's just this for 55 hours these Yeah, it's a boring Boing's talent show. Ain't that right? Boing Boing. Yeah Man named Boing Boing among us. Yeah, it's me. Hey, how's it going? Yeah, bonk bonk

Your bon bonk Can we get a freestyle from bon bonk Boing boing It's my talent show, it's me and you and everyone at you know It's my talent show Stop the beat to hear me boing And then play the beat again We're back Stop the beat to hear me boing And then we're back

Boing Yeah, apparently the producers are telling me that's Bill Cosby by the way, I'm joined the producer I love your work I love your work. I appreciate it. I love your later work, Bill Connelly. The producers team's telling me that we can't have two sounds played at the same time, which is unfortunate because this is an expensive piece of equipment, but hey, I think, if could you believe it? Bill Cosby, you are an interesting man. It's always hard to pin you down.

It is because sometimes if I talk too long I leave Cosby and I enter some sort of mid-Atlantic game show. It's very, it's hard to... Look Cosby, I wish I could shape-shift into you. Well, maybe. Well, we'll get pretty simple divorces now. That's true. Ahhhhh. Anyway.

Ah, cause I'm beating my shit into a bag of chips. Hahahaha. It's like when people are at a basketball game and they eat, they put sour cream and all that in their riddles, it's just me fucking an empty bag of chips To the point of ejaculation Yeah, that boy at which point I will seal up the bag of chips and throw them in the garbage disposal and then turn that motherfucker on and and then turn that motherfucker on and and then I gotta put a stick in there to get all the pieces of the bag down and spray in my chism all over the kitchen

then my wife comes and basically at that point I'm trying to kill myself but I can't even fit the light bulb in my mouth let alone get it out so then I'm, my mouth is so small, like I don't put the small end of the light bulb in my mouth. And then I can't get it all in there. So I can't even, then I can just easily spit out the light bulb and it's not, ah. That's the end of our segment. Thank you for joining us.

I put the wrong end of the gun in my mouth and shot myself in the dick. And I started beating it after. You had to get your last one in, didn't you? Yeah, it hurt so bad I just plugged a hole in my thumb and beat the other half of it. If you're just now tuning in, we've got the one, the only, BobbyQChips here to tell us that he beats his shit into a bag after trying to take His own life and failing ain't that right Bobby Q Box these damn kids running around fucker with my mailbox. I might kill one of them one day in myself

Well, I believe me. I kill you and myself and the rest of our family And my daughter when she comes home from college Well, Bobby, I believe in yeah, I believe in your story and I believe that you can take everybody's life in the neighborhood Thank you so much boing boing for boing boing's talent show Thank you, but boy who will highlight of my life which will be ending soon which will be ending soon. Meeting you was the closest thing I felt to heaven. Bong-Bong. Without you I'm lost, floating through this void.

Untethered. I see myself and those who came before me in the reflection of the waters and I pray for, I pray I quickly become among their ranks and stay upon those who will come after me such as my daughter who I plan on killing when she comes home from college. So I guess it will be a very short time that I watch my descendants from the lake or whatever have you. The black mist, which could be some sort of smoke,

I don't know, mist is rarely black. But I pray that my body goes into space and I fly through heaven at a rapid rate catching fire eventually as I enter the atmosphere of a nearby satellite and as I evaporate in the unearthly mist I hope my sins are dissolved with me for none on this earth or any other could forgive me for the man I have become that man of course being barbecue chips anyway thank you for having me on the show yeah you're welcome Bobby no

problem thank you for coming by I forgot what I was I was supposed to do something right after this I can't remember what it was so I'll probably just take a nap That's fine Bobby. All right. Goodbye. Bye That guy was that was horrible guys were coming Cleveland a great show We've been high school hand holding I'm 39 years old and I'm texting your phone you just got out of high school and I'm 39 years old and I'm 45 years old and you're just still in high school and I'm 53 years old and I've got a swan shirt on hanging out in your Saturn talking to your dad and your mom this

town thinks that I'm a creep and I watch you when you sleep cars go beep beep when they're leaving your high school and I want to see your butt cheeks Yeah Everybody wants to be real cool Everybody wants to drive a cool car Everybody wants to text your phone Even though you're still in high school Everybody wants to look at my dick Everybody wants to suck on my balls

Even though I'm 50 and I have a little belly A little belly Even though I'm out of high school I look at all the girls on Facebook When I used to go to high school with them And I comment, hope you're doing good Even though I live outside now And I want to you're doing good even though I live outside now and I Want to go back to college where the only people that knew me or the people that didn't talk to me

We're going back now back to when things were simple back to when things were just as Easy as they could be back when we were 16 when nothing mattered when everything was cool and people didn't say hey dude get out of here you're 53 years old why do you have a fucking heartogram tattoo on? Bam Margera has been in rehab a hundred times for the last ten years dude it doesn't matter but hey look we're still cool we're still young we're still living the best life we know how ain't that right Mickey skateboard Yeah

That's my son Mickey skateboard Mickey And we're going back to college to study girl cell phones and we're open up our iPhone and we're texting our Girlfriends and they're saying please leave us alone. We haven't dated since 2019 hey that wasn't that long ago, but times changing and Times are changing Change in Changing changing. Changing. Life is changing. Tony Hawk's Underground came out

22 years ago. So why the fuck are you still playing that? Because your life is bad now and everybody's life is bad. Thank you guys, we've been at high school hand holding. Did you like that song? Thanks man, I appreciate that Kind of got me going

That's really hoping to Mickey skateboard could come up with a verse but I think I had to take that one on my own Oh, I kind of didn't really understand. I thought kind of thought Mickey skateboard was more of a hype man for that one man for that one. Pop punk band with a hype man. Yeah. Also, was, you know, it's weird as I was already planning on doing Mickey Mouse voice before you said Mickey skateboard. That's called synchronicity, my brother. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, but I can't really do Mickey Mouse voice. So I figured I'd better just say a couple of things and then leave you hanging for the rest of it. Probably. That's fine. I think I also get that there was another like two minutes of it. Me neither.

I have to, sometimes I forget to look at the, I'm so locked into the art. You know what I mean? That I don't think to look at the time. I realized I've just played a four and a half minute song. So, but that's okay. Well, there's only one way to fix that. Yeah, that's to play another one.

That's to play another one and do that one. God's Word is illuminated in everything. Like a sign. Yeah, like a neon sign. A lot of people... LED sign. Most of them are LED nowadays. Yeah, neon is hard to come by as it turns out, but not...

There's not many neon technicians anymore. And he forgave us, he forgave you for cheating, he forgave you for beating, he forgave us for our sins He came on you He came on me He came on us Can't wait for heaven to come finally Jesus is inside every single one of the people in this room and he's never leaving

That was actually, I think a minute is the sweet spot There's just so much creativity that can happen at one time Yeah, yeah Oh, hey, sorry, I was petting my dog. Who is this? This is Rufus Ralfus Rinkus. Hey, Rufus Ralphus Rinkus Hey Rufus Ralphus, it's It's it's dingus

Gongle from the from the CIA I've hacked into your computer they get access to your files and it says here you do you have The stinkiest set of nuts in the tri-state area You didn't even make sense new penis a prank No, this is the FBI does contact me. It's not about this. This is a CIA first of all CIA and the same for child investigative actions against me child investigative Aggregates against me. Yeah, that's correct. It's

Child investigative ag against me. Yeah, that's correct. It's That's exactly what it stands for buddy And so anyway, we've here where we're coming by to confiscate your stinky ass balls in you and then your green penis What say you where do they have to go? They got to go into the mall. No way got stopped They got to go into the vault To be studied by this. I'm looking at the vault right now and it's shaped like your mouth. And it's, your mouth is open and that's where the vault is. Okay, goodbye. Alright, here I go. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, the

the the the the the Jake Rhodes what's going on hello Jake Jake I'm here to contact you about a potential offer I saw on one of your offers and we would like to if you're still interested in offering it we would actually like to make a good offer yeah that's yeah that sounds good why much you know what do you want um well

we figured we take your initial offer me to offer you something exchange yes fine yeah all right well do you accept yep all right pleasure to do business with Well, we figured we'd take your initial offer me to offer you something exchange. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. All right. Well, do you accept? Yep. Yeah. All right. Pleasure to do business with you. Bye. That's easy, man. That's easy for easy. Yeah, the office was for us to take all your money and take off your skin. Now, well, I mean, I'm the one that, you know. And then we bang your skin.

Yeah, that's fine. Let me see if I got, I got the live feed here. When you bang a guy's skin, it gets really small. Let me see what we got here. Oh, I gotta go to the, let me see, hold on, I got the live, I got the access to the fucking files. Oh awesome, I need you, yeah I got you.

Here while I'm working on this, you guys can listen to this. No not that, you guys can listen to this. Legos are fun to play Legos are fun and there Legos are fun like play-doh Legos are fun like leaking love Leaking love is your heart that's stacked Legos are easy to stack when it goes easy stack yeah I'm working on the skittles stuff going on something else fine here you can use this here I'm honestly checker

this guy's a photo paper over live I play the guitar so I what I do in this band. With a wiki wiggles and a VH1 radio. I'm a punk rock British guy. Shoot Cripple Talk 2. I hope the Queen gets fucking AIDS yeah that's me. Cripple Talk 2. Yeah ever.

Cripple Talk 2. I'm a working class, fucking Liverpool- Alright, my accent's gone now. Yeah, it's- I got tired of that. I got so rich that I became a black guy. Yeah. That's correct.

I play with the money like a guitar. Yeah, I'm- I'm- The only thing royal about me is my checks. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But now I'm British again. Hope- Um- Hello, now I'm British again hello now I'm British again

hello now I'm British once more British rock and roll punk rockers you've heard of the sense? playing the guitar playing on the drums singing in the band it's so much fun. plucking on the bass having a time tambourine Tapping my feet A little bit of violin And maybe a piano key, ding-a-ling-ding

Bassoon A clarinet for you I love music I love being in a band and being British We love music being in the band and being British We love music playing in the band We love music bands I must love music Everybody loves the British boy band for me

For me Yeah, that was really good. Thanks, man. It's not every day you come across like an old classic British band like that. Yeah. Yeah Thanks, man. It's not every day you come across like an old classic British band like that. Yeah But they were British there's a British doctor anyway What you got going on this fucking you know what I was gonna say I fucking they cut they captured the guy They captured him. They finally got him after all these years They captured the guy they captured him. They finally got him after all these years After all actually was a few days got Bill Clinton Israel finally got Kevin Spacey. They didn't capture him He just went over there to hang out which is fucking so awesome

All serious, I don't know is that a part of the optics rebrand you think like a part of the PR thing Kevin Spacey going to Israel yeah I wouldn't be surprised if you already had like a an apartment in Tel Aviv or something you know yeah that's probably true Nick Quince Aratino's over there mm-hmm it's um yeah it's a great place to go if you have like kind of a concerning head shape Mm-hmm. Yeah, I feel like Kevin spacey's head is getting bigger I think maybe he got on a zempik or something cuz that's like no he's he was a handsome guy

I mean, he's like 70 though, right? I think he's like in his mid 60s something like that Yeah, but he still got that dick on on him, though. Dude, no doubt. I'm 100% positive it still works. And it's still probably pretty reliable in terms of dicks go. Yeah. The mess you got drunk in, you banged Kevin Spacey, and he was amazing. And it was like the best sex of your life.

And he was all you could think about for the rest of your life. You can't say that. You know what I mean't yeah, you can't go if you came out as As somebody who had consensual sex with Kevin Spacey, and it was amazing Yeah Maybe that I gotta come forward you rocked my world. Yeah, I had like ten hands-free orgasms is pretty soon pretty nuts He made my he made my fucking legs cramp From house bad that badass that fucking pipe was yeah, they should call him Kevin Lafey because of how much he makes people chuckle In a world Kevin Lafey in a world where Kevin Leafy. In a world where Kevin Spacey makes people laugh.

Where he didn't do anything to any of those teenage boys. Where they all were lying. Or every one of them was lying. And even when they died, it wasn't real. And they died from being gay. They all died from being gay. They all died from being gay, mysteriously being homosexual. They all died from being flight attendants.

Every one of them died from having a job like flight attendant. And now Kevin Spacey is in Tel Aviv. What's he doing there? Who's he talking to? One reporter on the scene has all the answers. Checking in to the reporter. Oh, in that reporter turns out to be me. What do you got?

What happened to him? Oh, sorry. I'm shuffling through my notes. Um, let's see what I got here on Kevin spacey's in Tel Aviv Kevin Lafey if he was laughing It's looking like he did something certainly happened between him and some other people throughout his career But could that mean that he was in movies? What if movies But could that mean that he was in movies? Hmm. What if movies were made to be watched? And what if Kevin was made to be loved by...

That's right... Israel. That's right Israel But is Israel the name of a country or the name of a guy We've conducted over several minutes of expertise and studies to get to the bottom of the question This Kevin Spacey in Israel the country? Or is he in Israel a young man? First we must ask, what is Israel? What does that mean? How do you spell that?

Is that a guy's name? Kevin Spacey? Is that his name or is he a place? Or was he an actor? Now streaming on 2B. Or was he one of the movies? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What if the movie was called Kevin Spacey and the actor was called Seven? What if Brad Pitt's name was Morgan Freeman and what if Kevin Spacey was Seven and what if Morgan Freeman's name was What's in the Box?

What if Morgan Freeman was Mighty Laughman and he was extremely funny. Yeah what if what if that was real? What if he says Samuel L Jackson it was Samuel W Jackson and he never took an L And he had Riz That would be crazy. What if he had so much Riz? What if Brad Pitt had so much Riz he didn't beat up his wife and kids on the road? What if Brad Pitt had Riz and what if he had aura and what if he didn't slap Angelina Jolie? What if he had so much aura he didn't try and punch clean through Angelina Jolie's body? When one man has to stop hitting his wife. And like really needs to stop.

Yeah. What if one major A-list celebrity could just go his whole life without beating his kids? But if they were all annoying What if a really handsome talented actor who'd been in a bunch of great movies could not beat his whole family? Ever heard of it? Me neither This summer we take a deep dive into why the fuck all these guys keep doing weird-ass shit despite having everything they could ever want in their life Is it fame is it actually that they're all secretly homosexual is it? Pedophilia or is it?

The brand new season of Roseanne back on ABC Family with all your favorite stars. Turned out she didn't do shit. She was right. She was right about everything. You thought she said some weird stuff about a certain type of people. That's right. She didn't and you misrememberembered turns out she's fucking normal and all of her opinions are badass and correct. Yeah, it turns out John Goodman. What if he was John Hoodman and he won't do rag got Roseanne Barr Anthony Cumbia Jim Norton Chris D'Alia and that's right

Bill Conspy and that's right Bill Cosby And they're all acting they're all acting and they're acting funny. Yeah, they're not doing anything weird Directed by Woody Allen Hey, Roseanne, we got some crazy neighbors, and I don't know what to do with them and they're playing that music really loud. I'm Roseanne. I love acting. I've watched the show before and this is how I talk. John, please take out the trash.

Take it out of your asshole. And put it in your column. What if you had a bunch of the smartest and most correct people on a show together written by J.K. Rowling. Directed by Woody Allen. Produced by Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein funded by Elaine Maxwell and the CIA the show is called Mm-hmm starring Roseanne Barr Anthony Kumiya Jim Norton Chris D'Alia and Chris Tucker

And Chris Tucker and Matt Ryan get your ass out of my house Hey Chris, it's me Anthony Kumiya you yo ass out of my house. Hey Chris, it's me Anthony Cumia. You better get out of here before I fucking kill you. There are a bunch of crazy, motley crew of totally normal, mentally well adjusted, T-List celebrities. And they're coming to a TV near you on CBS If you don't watch I'm gonna come to your house and fuck you. It's me Anthony Koumea All right, is that a real show Yeah, yeah. Well, I they did the pilot and then they let me have the intro music. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, it's pretty pretty pretty good You know if the first episode is a pilot what are the rest of the episodes passengers Pilot I'd rather watch it Just we're not gonna get the island sorry Did I love these fucking song I love these soundtracks, it's all the I think I found the soundtrack I'm not kidding It's I think I found the folder that has like all of the hulu crime documentary musics Because straight up I think I've heard like three of these Like on shows like the fucking like Jeffrey Dahmer or whatever the fuck

This one's called infiltration It is the women and they're right that's's what it would be if it was a rewritten for now Yeah modern era it is the gender and it's all right Anyway, you know, you know, I think too hard about that one. Yeah Hey kid Guys hey Why I'm scotch and come over here and get a little piece of this. Okay. Wow, you are very easy to persuade.

I didn't think it would be that easy. Yeah, no, I'm going right along with you. I'm playing hopscotch by myself. I kind of planned for you to be a little, at least try a little bit. Can I go home with you? Oh? God oh, yeah, wow yeah, this is way easier than they made it. Yeah in the movies I don't really like candy or anything. I'll just get in the van. Oh you better. You better not fight back Because I'll hurt you I won't I don't do that. Oh, that's

Okay, tell me if you want to. Oh my god, man. Jesus Christ. I got nothing left. Something going on at home, kid? No. Except for movie night. Well, I'm gonna take you back to my basement and I'm gonna make you cry. We're watching Amazon.

It's my favorite movie. Are you scared of me at all? I'm scared of Amazon. It's the scariest movie I've seen. Just the app terrifies you? No, it's the movie, Amazon. I've never even heard of it. Yeah, it's about the river. I'm gonna take off.

Except the river's a girl. And all the fish inside of her penis every time the fish wall they're swallowing up the girls hey this has been great I think I'm gonna take you back to the playground you did I've never really my favorite movie I'm making it hey kid you're very very very I need you to be an extra in my movie I don't want to even hurt you anymore and you have a different van. I need you to come back to In a world where pedaf- where children are the aggressors and pedophiles are the victims

It was back in 1993 I was 62 years old living in a trailer I was just trying to get my life together after being on the watch list, you know This kid came up to my door. I thought it was his sting You know, he didn't even have a wire on he had just pulled down his pants and showed it to me. Hey! Check out this wiener I got. You think you could- Come suck it, loser. I I Was just there outside my Astro van this kid walked up to me I I was trying to be on a straight and narrow

And I hadn't done anything in it so long Here comes this nine-year-old kid and I should gosh but gosh overalls carrying a big fucking lollipop he just walked right up to me what did he say to you he said fancy a kiss sucker and in that moment you know I had been doing so good I just I figured I could go away I like it I could find it but he insisted you know and at that point I felt like it You're too pussy to be a real pedophile. You look like shit He started taunting me. He got a stupid ass. Nobody would have been. He told me he had a stupid ass And he got super sour looking nipples. And he told me I had sour looking nipples that weren't even suckable

Jesus Christ. Yeah, nice, nice dockers. Where'd you get them? The fucking piece of fucking shit's fucking stupid ass bitch store? Listen, guys, I'm taking- And where'd you get your polo shirt? Amazon? Uh, Old Navy? For- or older? Old lady? Take this fucking- Where'd you get- Where'd you get your Old Navy shirt, old lady? Take this fucking microphone off me, I've had enough of this shit, this fucking kid. I bet you sucked it like a creepy fucking stupid loser. You always thought it was the other way around, but now the hunter... If you don't suck me off I'm gonna kill myself, I'm a kid, you'd look horrible.

He told me if I don't suck him off that he's gonna kill himself. What was I supposed to do? But I'm gonna blow job soon. I'm gonna kill somebody I'm zero He told me he was zero He told me he was zero years old guys. He looked 25 but he said he was zero. I thought I was just having gay sex. Turns out he was zero.

That guy with the full beard and everything. You suck my dick, I'm gonna kill myself. I'm zero Fuck it. This is I keep now. I'm picturing the trailer that music's playing It's like just just a fucking shitty balding guy with a mustache and he's just like yeah, I thought I was out You know, I thought I thought it was out and then this kid he just what thought he was a kid just walks up to me If you don't suck my dick, I'm gonna kill myself That would be wicked. No be wicked weird He just thought he was a kid just walks up to me That would be wicked now be wicked weird We should get into making documentaries You're probably not that I think would be really good

Yeah, you just mostly nowadays you just read the Wikipedia page for like an already well understood and well explored crime And Netflix gives you I guess like $50,000 or whatever Yeah, everybody on tik-tok is like well have you guys heard about the USS Liberty? Oh? Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, I I don't I Don't yeah people like dude. Did you know this is John Wayne Gacy guy? Yeah, yeah Ted Bundy was a notorious serial killer. He was known for killing women. He was known for unaliving women.

Not only was he a serial grampist, he also unalived multiple women. Yeah, I think it's really the language you have to use to like not get shadow banned, but you're talking about like the toy box killer. You buying torture on alive. Yeah, pretty good. The toy box on a liver. He used to put women into a shipping container and quote unquote hang out with them. He used to make corn with women and then unalive them. He would make corn of the dead bodies and then after he unaligned them

He was a notorious peddler of Child cornography Jeffrey Dahmer was known for Making corn with other guys and then crashing out I Can't sorry Yeah, the fucking what was it or the Ryan Murphy show He's gonna fucking roll in the dough with this Luigi guy. I mean he's gonna have some fucking He's the guy that makes all of the like fucking

true crime Like murder shows, but they're not documentaries or whatever It's crazy that guy was like Like seemed to have had like a normal life just goes to show you you can get involved with any type of stuff Seemed to have had like a normal life just goes to show you you can get involved with any type of stuff To let me get some country music going in here. I want a new country song We've been using the same couple ones Ryan Derpy. Yeah, Ryan. Yeah crying Derpy Outlaw I'm just gonna outlaw country memeing Derpy. Yeah Southern rock outlaw. Well, he's married to a man.

Oh, yeah. This one will do. That's fine nowadays. I don't give a shit. What is? Ryan Murphy's married to another man. Oh, he's gay? He's gay, which is perfectly fine.

It just. That's fine, I guess. Yeah. It doesn't really matter to me. Yeah, I'm basically the most accepting guy you could imagine. Yeah, I've always been like this progressive and chill. I've never really, I never had a phase where I like, you know, where I like I wasn't that.

I mean, I've always, since I was a kid I've always loved all types of people. I do mean that. I don't think, uh... All types of people I do mean that I don't think I don't know. Did you ever were you ever like when you were younger? Like because other people like in your family I guess in the church were weird about gay people were you just like did like weird about gay people by proxy? Yeah, I think so. I think basically toy Developed my own thoughts about anything. Yeah, Sam. And then once I started thinking about anything, I was like, oh, wait,

this is like not really that weird. Yeah, Sam. I remember, I guess, like I thought it was weird. Like I was accepting before I. Honestly, if I see two guys kissing really close to me, it still throws me off. But if I see anybody kissing close to me, it pisses me off Yeah, I don't particularly care for it like the other day these guys were making out

One row one row ahead of me on the bus. So they were like two feet away from me just full tongue Uh-huh, and like it could have been a guy and a girl and it also would have annoyed me because there's what's that sexy about being on the bus during the daytime I I'm gonna say something that might sound like I'm overthinking it, but I have seen that in Austin I don't see it back. I Never see anything like that back in Pasadena or in fucking the port or like any of the suburbs I see that in big cities and I think for a certain type of young person gay straight, whatever the fuck I think

They're having like a man like a movie moment. You know what I mean like I'm like like They're just maybe they're like in their early 20s and they're like we're gonna kiss on the train Whatever the fuck and then they kiss on the train. I've never get max cuz I'm beating off next yeah, yeah, I got pull my balls out to my To complain this game nasty bitch Once yeah, I want to start fucking my bag 40 out of the paper bag and start fucking the bag Keep it cold you never see too young hip people making out at like in In like a Fort Worth parking terminal, you know what I mean?

Like it's only ever like in the big city or like, you know on the train when the lights are just right You never see to you only affects me momentarily. I don't really Was I think I'm I think I'm full of shit cuz I saw like too fat I saw a fat hispanic couple making out like right in front of the daiquiri store in Galveston Do you know they were big and gross? I was gonna shook something What started shaking both of them? I would have fl afflict one of them in a what's the ripples? Yeah, going to circle around everybody. I was at this place called black sheep lodge in Austin I was playing pool with my buddy Edgar and

The table next to us this couple they were like playing pool, but they weren't really playing pool. They're mostly just a Like rubbing on each other. And as the night progressed, it was $2 Margarita night, rest in peace. I think it's like $4 Margarita night. Anyway, long story short, he just started finger banging her right there, just right there on the pool table. I love that. Yeah.

La la la la la la la la la. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. And I remember getting mad about it, but I felt bad for the bouncer, Yeah, it was pretty crazy and I Remember that getting mad about it But I did I felt bad for the bouncer because he was like cleaning up glasses and he was ignoring it for as long as he Possibly could it was one of those things where you do ignore it and then you just can no longer not Have it be on the only thing going on in the establishment You know what I mean? And yeah, he went over there and was like you guys cut that shit out

And the guy got all man. He's like what bro? Which is how you respect Love to be in public get my fucking shit schlorped on and then being mad when I'm told to not Anyway, I'm gonna end this I'm gonna end this episode Other than plugs. I'm gonna for the fans this song is called outlaw I don't know anything about it but I gotta find it for a second and got my horse got my revolver and got my hat and got my boots got my chew I got my horse and I got my hat you know I got my gun and I got my knife, and I got my spurs, and I got my boots, and I got my gun, and I got my boots.

The Emperor's two mischiefs then, he was a cowboy, his name was Nelfest he had brown cowboy boots brown cowboy boots and a brown cowboy hat he was a brown guy and he was black. I got my boots and I got my hat. If you live in Chicago you should clear your calendar on January 30th. You should come to Lincoln Lodge. Come to the Lincoln Lodge January 30th if you live in Chicago or the surrounding area Or if you fucking don't live even in the state of Illinois head on over to Goddamn if you're a subscriber to the patreon It's the top link on there if you don't subscribe to the patreon you should go subscribe to the patreon

And then you'll be able to see the link that is a on the motherfucking website Tickets are 15 bucks in advance, 20 dollars at the door. Me and Thomas are heading to Chicago once more to the historic Lincoln Lodge and we're going to be doing stand-up comedy. We're going to be singing some songs and we're going to be having a dope ass time and it's going to be badass. It's going to be everything you ever fucking dreamed of.

January 30th at the Lincoln Lodge. You find them at on the Instagram Jake roads in a bunch of ones and it's in the bio there you can find it on Twitter Jake Broads jake EBR ODE s give that a motherfucking follow and you can find the links there head on over to patreon.com slash pendejo time and toss us a little bit of cheese please help she out check out the YouTube Padejo Time Worldwide watch the free video episodes and then if you want some more video episodes subscribe to the honcho tier shout out to

the honchos let's hear for the honchos thank you alright I gotta go to band practice I think Thomas has to go have gay sex so bye guys bye I'm gay