Pendejo Time - history

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

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like nine here which pisses me off i was talking to cameron uh my buddy cam and he was like it's like 50 degrees in new york that doesn't that pisses me the fuck off y'all are the ones that are supposed to have this fucking it's supposed to be cold in new york and it's supposed to be kind of i don't know it's dog shit i can't fucking the power goes out again i don't know what to do wind chill is negative four that's so awesome i like the description on the apple weather app it's breezy yeah it's a breezy 13 degrees wind chill is negative four um good news is dude this thing is bullshit it says zero precipitation in the last 24 hours and it was snowing this morning i watched it i was there it says here feels like three degrees which is awesome uh yeah fuck that shit uh my dog won't

take a shit uh it's pissing me the fuck off i mean she's fine she does this shit like she's an animal like she's a wild not a wild animal obviously she's domestic she's a very domestic animal she eats fucking human food but i'm like you're still an animal i don't know what behooves her like what motivates her to like hold her poop in but i'll take her shit and she'll like she'll like be looking at me because it's cold and she's like goes towards the dog park gate to like leave and i'm like do you have to poop like i don't when i have to shit i get to go inside you don't get to do that so and i'll like lead her to the edge of the dog park and she'll just like run back to the gate yeah so she she's over here she's right under me right now i think she's i don't i just need my fucking dog to behave in a normal dog way you're a beast i don't feel like

you should have like you you shouldn't be like i don't want to poop like that's for people like i can't shit my pants on the way like if i'm in traffic i'll hold my poop and then you know i'm saying like a dog shouldn't be like yeah no i don't want to poop right now yeah like my parents have two like shepherd mutts yeah and whenever it's cold outside or if it's raining even they'll like they'll put their their front two paws off the front port off the back porch like right where the awning covers and then they'll just piss on the porch i'm not on i'm not on the porch my head's not look dolly won't she won't go she won't go in the grass if it's wet like i have to pick her up she was like she's not super heavy she was like 60 pounds i have to pick her up and put her in the grass to get her to piss.

If it's any, she won't piss in the morning because there's like, like, like dew on the grass. She's, yeah. Anyway, welcome to fucking Padeo time. It's the snow, the blizzard, blizzard episode. We are in a current, another polar vortex. I like watching people. I have this, I don't know if there's like watching people. I have this. I don't know if there's like a school of thought for it,

but I've been watching people from Texas since the big polar snap happened where like the power went out and some people died. People seem like they want it to happen again. I don't know how else to describe it. People are like, I'm looking at the polar vortex, and we're going to have another snowpocalypse. And the grid is going to oh no but there's a part like there's so many people on the internet that are like saying that it's like leading me to believe that like people want it to happen again like a part of them wants like the world to like end which i

totally understand like i kind of remember like with the forest fires in California, I was like, ah. I think people, I mean, you know, I think it's a victim complex to a certain extent. I don't mean that in, like, the, I do mean it in that way, but I mean it's everybody. It's not like, it's not like. It's not a mean it's everybody. It's not like... It's not a select group of people. No, it's like everybody in America. This is like what Matt was telling us that one time. It's like everybody in America, it's like if there's a way

where we can all like almost get killed, but like in a badass way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like we're on the cover of like people magazine after that's still like the best thing that can happen to you in this country we're like a reigning empire and the coolest thing that can happen to you is you get on like you get like a 15 second clip on fox news like this guy held a chihuahua above his head right for 30 minutes while a tide moved in yeah you know it's the with the with the amount of people that were like praying not praying but

they were like recession housing crisis auto loan crisis student loan crisis it's happening we're gonna have a winner and everybody's gonna die and and europe is gonna fall a crumble in world war iii and i i get the idea yeah that like people there's enough tragedy that happens like why do you want to be a part of a big one like i never really understood that about people who like they seem they're like edging the end of the world like in their own like the in their own minds they're like i don't know if it's because a lot of people's lives are so fucking boring and mundane and this has been going on forever people have been ranting about the end of days since like time immemorial obviously like go back you know four or five hundred years there's like a certain branch of christians that are like

yeah 1710 that's when it's over and 1711 rolls around and then they just kill the guy that said that and then they move on. But I think we're all like not we collectively, but a lot of people are individually living there. Those own like end of days, like apocalypse preaching moments where it's like, yeah, like making a tick tock from your like L.A. condo and you're like, well, you know, there's going to be food shortages in europe and they're not going to buy enough wheat and it's like dude you're you're fine like assuming that happens like i don't think it's even coming from a place of empathy i don't think like like you're still going to be able to like make youtubes you know what i mean like i don't like i understand that maybe that person's trying to empathize with this hypothetical scenario where a million Europeans die.

But I don't think it's coming from a place of empathy. Anything's coming from a place of like, I'm talking about this hypothetical. And so because of that, I should get eyeballs. You look at my page. And after a while, though, I feel like we're crying wolf. We all collectively are like, one's gonna be it the world's gonna end i know it this is the recession that destroys the american experiment and we're all gonna die it's the worst thing to fantasize about i love i love goods and services yeah it

is one of my favorite things is a goods and b. I mean, you look at exports, imports, that shit rules, man. Mm-hmm, yeah. I had a medjool date from Turkey the other day. Yeah. God damn, son. Mm-hmm. That shit was immaculate. Right.

I had some pomegranate tea, also from Turkey. Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. Ashley made some fucking, like some shit from india the other day that was delicious as fuck um i i all the people that were doing the treat discourse on twitter and like all the people were like hmm americans just eat burgers it's true burgers treats pastries fries fries, sweet candies.

Like, all of these things are good. Now, it's not to say that we should have those things and then, like, people suffer or whatever. Like, that's bad. But, like, I don't want to pretend that, like, oh, I am, like, excited or, like, jacking off thinking off thinking about like the world completely ending because i think a lot of the people who were like look at those uh like americans like with a fast food uh all they eat burgers all day well i'm like listen you're the exact type of person that like

if if society were to crumble the economy were to collapse and we would kind of enter like a germany thing where we're like burning money to stay alive, you would die so quickly. Like if you're like. Not me, but you know. Not you, but like, you know, like you're a tough guy. I would probably. You'd Mad Max your way out of the situation. Live forever, probably.

I don't know if you can tell how I sound. I would probably, in a survival situation, me and you are really cut out for it. I think we would end up like golem within like six months you know what i mean i don't think that we would i don't i i have no the worst part is probably two weeks in we'd have to resort to gay sex for money that would be the worst part of the apocalypse you know food is almost about to start getting more expensive you know yeah it's getting more crowded at disneyland you know sunscreen is 50 cents yeah cheaper yeah and you know and traffic is a little bit worse so like 2033 and like you, they run out of Rocky Road at the ice cream shop.

Yeah. And it's like, what else are you going to do? You know what I mean? Yeah, you're like. I'm a survivor. Yeah, you're, like, texting Eden, and you're like, yeah, we were filming the episode, and me and Jake had to fuck each other to stay warm. And she's like, well, it's middle of June, first of all.

So I don't know. But second of all, like, what do you like? He's like, yeah, we were both so hungry and thirsty, so we just started peeing on each other. We didn't have any clothes on. Yeah. And the AC was so cold. We had all the fans on.

It's really hard out here. He's like, aren't y'all in Dallas filming something? I'm like, yeah, it's a really tough place to be, like in Flower Mound. It's just really not. It's a really tough place to be, like, in Flower Mound. It's just really not. It's a very dangerous area. Yeah, I don't think that, like, I don't want to give the idea that I'm not, like, sympathetic to the notion that, like, oh, yeah, like, consumerism bad or whatever. But if you're, like, I hope all the AC stops and I hope the world ends and I hope that you're a fucking idiot.

You're going to die. Like, it's kind of annoying to say this, but, like, if you live in a city and you're like, like, you know, Americans and burgers, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, you're just going to get killed. Probably. I'm not saying it's a guarantee, but, you know. Yeah. AC is good. You look at what happened to um you know to the countries

you look through history at the different you know the leaders and right the you know all the the people groups right around pretty much the globe yeah and something seems to repeat itself and that tends to be... History. History. I remember back in history... I remember... You know, that's not important. I was, you know... There's something... There's something real nice about repeating history, I gotta say.

It's funny to... You know, I assassinated abraham lincoln yesterday and it was kind of lit yeah it um a lot of people will be like we're living in the craziest times but like you know i i don't know if people do this on purpose or if they just like don't like if they get caught up in the in the histrionics, the theater of it all. But they're like, it's crazy. It's fucking wacko. And I'm not trying to sound like a fucking boomer, but I'm like, dude, like World War One, two, even like I never came home. Right. But like.

Hey, man, like it's not like i i'm not saying like oh they were tougher bag i'm not saying that i'm saying like people that are like walmart and everything and i'm like yeah no it sucks dick like it's pretty fucking bad for a lot of people um i just i'm trying i guess to drive the point home that like I don't think the economy is gonna they didn't collapse

post-war like it didn't I don't know people and then they like people are like oh it's like with the mass shootings and everything

I'm like dude the FBI was getting bomb threats like during the 60s and 70s weather underground like dude it's gonna be fine it's not gonna be fine it's actually dog shit and shit's fucked up

you know what's the worst thing that happens you don't have a place to live yeah okay you know am i i mean some of my ancestors scalped people for money yeah and they weren't on the good side either they were native americans the glanton gang yeah i'd say yeah that is not a lie anyway you know i think i think what lies in the heart of a lot of people isn't greed you know it isn't love it isn't hatred it isn't power right it's something else who knows i think they just i think people just want to be on the tv they don't want not tv anymore they like want to be like you can amass like a pretty good size following if you can just like be like uh guys it's bad uh from like having like a ring light and like you know be like a youtube doomsday type guy.

It doesn't matter what politics, your personal politics are. And then you can make millions of dollars doing that, and then just drive off into the sunset or whatever. I hope that when it does get bad, I hope YouTubers are still big. When people are actually doing Mad Max shit to each other, there's a guy that's like, well, Tennessee has fallen to the Christian Raider organization. Check, please.

Like, people are doing, you know what I'm saying, like sitcom style humor and political analysis on Twitch. But it's, you know, people doing like the friends and the office type like, oh, one million Americans raped to death by Christian warlords. Could have seen that coming. You know what I'm talking about? Like, boing, boing, boing, boing. Fucking stupid, like, soundboard effects and shit. Yeah, I mean, I don't get on YouTube quite as much as I used to, but it seems to be a different game than it used to be.

It's not like a – it used to be just like kind of weirdos, you know, who built like a cult following and then a few years down the road, you know, it's like that cult following of say like 3,000 people from like 2008 or whatever became like 10 million or whatever. But now it's like that still happens, but it's like in the mix is like guys who maybe sort of did that, but now they're also hanging out with like actual like celebrities. The biggest. Like the Nelk Boys, for example. Yeah.

I don't really care that much about what they do. Right. But they are kind of definitely an outlier for pop culture in general. For sure. Like, I think I've talked about this before, but that the Steve Will Do It guy, I saw him on Instagram probably in like 2015 or 16. Yeah, he was not. Yeah. And he had started doing like drinking challenges around that time.

Yeah, like shoenice. And that's when he shoe nice yeah on instagram and then if you scrolled back even back when he was i think like 13 or 14 he was like eating dog food and yeah he was like literally like i think his first video on instagram that i saw was a video of eating him eating a whole can of dog food and throwing up in his mom's backyard. Yeah. And then you, like, go now and he's, like, giving Donald Trump. Yeah, yeah. He literally gave Donald Trump a Rolex the other day. And I'm like, I mean, that's fine.

It's like, you know, it's like two, you know, disabled guys giving each other blowjobs. Two retards, yeah. Nobody gets hurt, you know. But I don't understand. It's weird to watch, yeah, like early days and like knowing what YouTube still, like you can still go watch like JFK stuff and like alien stuff on there. And then just watching Mr. Beast like go to a Walmart in like Tempe. Like, hey, do any of you follow Mr. Beast on Instagram?

And, you know, like a Mexican day laborer is like, what? And he like goes to the next person do any of you guys follow Mr. Beast on Instagram and it's some like nine-year-old kid it's like and he just hands the kid like 25 grand is like give this to your mom and the mom's like shaking and it's like his eyes completely dead and that you know that's a nice thing that he's doing or whatever but there's something like really empty like voyeuristic about it where i'm like oh like i'm sure this he just changed this person's life or whatever but then like you watch some of his behind the scenes and he's like did we get the shot of the lady taking the bag did you guys fuck that up because i i don't think the camera

really captured what and i was like oh i think this guy's just a the money b the fame c like how hard the guy does work like has eroded any empathy that he has to where he's doing nice shit but it's most it's just reviews at this point you know yeah and i mean that's why we do yeah i don't know why i'm talking like i'm better than him i don't this is yeah this is this uh would we be doing this if it didn't uh if it didn't help us at all no probably i mean i don't know no not for two years no no not for yeah you're right not for two years for sure not for two years fuck i haven't even done i haven't even done two years straight of college i'm not gonna lie to myself yeah very college pays off exponentially i mean i'm gonna finish college this time all all right,

and you can hold me to it. Yeah. But it took like five tries, you know. This did one time, paid off slightly, and we're just going to do it until we die. Yeah. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that.

I think it's just like watching it become this thing that is like, oh, these are the new movie stars or whatever. Like these are the new, like these are, this is the new type of guy to be. And then the politics YouTubers, like that Destiny guy who I think is a fucking jack off. And then like, I don't know. I'm obsessed with the conservative twins right now.

The conservative twins? I'm not familiar. So they used to just be the Hodge twins. Okay. They were like old YouTubers. Yeah. They conservative twins? I'm not familiar. So they used to just be the Hodge twins. Okay. They were like old YouTubers. Yeah. They're twins. I think they started off like back when YouTube really started or whatever.

And then they became like fitness influencers. Okay. They're two, you know, like fairly built and some black guys and um and then at a certain point they stopped bodybuilding and they pivoted to black trump guys kind of a similar similar like a silk yeah similar to that but with more of like a redneck approach sort of like a like a whitewashed big truck cowboy hat wrangler black guy like a mobile alabama that does exist yeah no for sure they're common in the world you know but to go from like all right guys today we're gonna start push pull it yeah and then it's like boy i tell you what this nancy pel Pelosi bitch has got something else on her mind. And neither of them are funny, but they're like a comedic duo.

Right. And they give out, like, Dodge, like, SRT-10 trucks and shit. Yeah. And, like, all the winners are, like, farmers and suspenders named, like, Hanky Pank andank and shit like they'll have them up on a stage yeah and it's like uh our new winner uh orville hog and it's like just you know like a big gut guy yeah all red in the face he's like yeah and you know in the back of his head he's like they better not try and touch me like it's right there's no way their audience isn't like viewing it as some sort of like at a level of racism that's like from the 1910s you know what i mean yeah like like that our brains

couldn't even really get to right like as a joke where it's like oh it's like going it's like uh it's like looking at a coloring book or something like what does that even the type of racism that's like they they approach like they probably approach those guys like they would like the lion cage at the zoo like amazement quite a bit of fear and like don't don't get near them like But also you hate them. You want the lions to go extinct. I remember when Donald Trump... Fuck my ass. I remember when Donald Trump was running for president the first time. The Republican coalition, one of them,

put together almost like a hoops mixtape of every black celebrity ever complimenting trump like ever yeah it would be like ice cube for like 0.8 seconds like yeah trump rich as shit yeah and it would like cut to shack be like yeah i met trump he said you should took your fucking shirt in. He was cool. I laughed. 50 Cent was like, yeah, I used to sell crack outside Trump Tower. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then it's like, it's like, it's like one of the guys from Run DMC, and he's like, yeah, back in the day, I used to live in one of Fred Trump's condos. He'd come in there with a back covered in barbed wireC and he's like, yeah, back in the day, I used to live in one of Fred Trump's condos. He'd come in there with a back covered in barbed wire and he'd

beat the hell out of me. Fuck me with it. Yeah. The, um, the, I think it's like the Candace Owens effect of like, people see how much money and like fame and to some extent like

not power but access to the halls of power that she how much money and like fame and to some extent like not power but access to the halls of power that she got and it's like okay like i'm gonna get me some of this which is funny that kanye did it because he was already a pretty wealthy powerful guy i think he just got bored and went a little nuts but the uh i remember when, yeah, when Trump was running and I would like I was in college and I would like go back home and I didn't want to explain anything. So like my family and like some friends on back home would like, because I have friends who are conservative or whatever. I don't talk to them a lot, but if I go back home and I run into them, I'm not going to be like, hey, fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. Like, I just don't, we just don't talk politics or whatever.

But I'd be like, yeah, I'm not going to vote. You know, Democrats are fucking, you know, stupid. And they're like, hell yeah, brother, you're joined. I need, always need, come around. I was like, no, man, it's like I don't i'm not gonna vote racist now yeah you hate fucking gay guys now did you also see a black guy at the gas station and you don't remember being there the last time you were there so that's pretty much yeah the next 20 or so years that's a that's a that's a part of old guy politics that people don't realize is you choose basically one moment in your life one very inconsequential moment right and for the

rest of your life if you're not much of a thinking man which nobody really has to be yeah right you just refer to that experience and it doesn't have to be that good or bad right you throw on little embellishments here and there until it becomes like a weird ideology. A complete myth. Like, it starts off like you saw a black guy working at a gas station, and the next week it was a white guy, and there were locks on the ice boxes outside yeah and then later it becomes like you saw a black guy eat a white guy and then he chewed through all the locks yeah just to just

to just to eat all the ice and it just becomes like like i remember my granddad, he didn't have Alzheimer's. He would, well, maybe he did and he just, I was just slow. But I mowed his lawn and he would tell me the story of the Alamo. It got to be like every week. And every week, the Alamo happened a lot worse. Yeah. At first, it was just the basic story of the Alamo. And then I think the last time he told me, it was like every time he said Mexican,

he said stupid before it. Yeah. Which I failed to see. Right. I don't think they were. There was probably one or two stupid Mexicans there for sure. I'm sure. Because there were like 2,500 guys, right?

Right. You take any group of 2,500 guys, at least 100 of them are going to be stupid. I mean, it's probably safe to say that nobody involved in that conflict was literate or a very few select group of them were. I mean, you know, but keep in mind, that was like the worst group of guys to have at the Alamo. Yeah, they were a piece of sex. No. Well, I'm not talking about the Mexicans. I'm talking like the Texan, like the Texan militia or whatever.

They were all. Yeah. Anyway. Well, like they were a lot of them were like leaders. It's the why is there a black emoji hand on my head? I keep that keeps happening. I don't know what the fucking deal is i thought i turned that off i don't know man anyway yeah but it's like imagine if if there was uh like a um

like an armed robbery at a valero yeah right and they sent in like 15 state congressmen to break it up and they just all got fucking shot by cartel guys. And then we were like, well, they all died defending the Valero. It's like, yeah, why were they at fucking Valero? Right. You know? I don't... I also like the fact that they were like,

yeah, believe it or not, all these white guys and one slave, one very honorable slave, stayed and fought to the death. Yeah. I'm like, hey, I don't want to speak for anybody ever. Right. But if I am an enslaved man and you give me the option to leave forever rather than stay and die right with the guy who enslaved me i'm gonna say peace out suck my penis off my body hope all you guys fucking die yeah you all get

raped i don't know if anybody remembers i'm a fucking i'm a slave i was You sold me and bought me. I know you guys are a little bit sunburnt. Yeah. And that sucks. I'm kept here as a slave at the Alamo. You know, all the floors are dirt. Yeah. So you can't even do regular slave stuff here. Right.

There's nothing gross here. Yeah. Nothing's ever clean here, no matter how much you clean it. Right. What do you even have a slave in West Texas for? grows here yeah nothing's ever clean here no matter how much you clean it right what what do you even have a slave in west texas for it's just desert other than other than like what fucking wind turbine maintenance this won't happen for another 250 years this is an area they couldn't even fucking, what did they fucking have them scare off Wendigos? Yeah.

Get out there, Esteban. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't fucking, the, I think there's, like, the, the, like, obviously, like, the tribal thinking in the, in the U.S. about politics where, like, I did have to, like, I stopped explaining when you're, like, when I, I would be I would be like yeah fucking Hillary Clinton sucks a dick and my cousin would be like I always knew

you know I was curious when you moved to Austin I figured you know you're some sort of I figured you know you want a liberal homo

or something but I just you know I was like no I think Donald Trump's a fucking idiot too man and there's certain people not a lot of people but there's certain people that they don't

understand that like there's just certain like it's not necessarily that they're stupid it's like it's like with any moment of history that you learn in texas history u.s history where you're like try to explain try to run through the bit that we just did to a guy that you know like hey the alamo was like a really weird kind of like, you know, and like guys that were involved with that were kind of, you know, some of them were important dudes. A lot of them is like slavery and stuff. It didn't, you know, it's kind of fucked up. They were like the bad guys in that whole thing.

And they're also, I mean, what else are you going to do other than die in battle? Right. Best case scenario, you live to die of old age at the Alamo. In like 1880-something. People didn't move around that much back then. Yeah. It was like maybe you find a nice Alamo wife. Yeah.

And you build an Alamo house. Well, maybe you live long enough you get to see the first Spurs game. I don't really know when they started. Yeah. You know, you get to fucking shake, you get to throw a rock at Tim Duncan. the first Spurs game. I don't really know when they started. Yeah. You know, you get to fucking shake, you get to throw a rock at Tim Duncan. The NBA.

Because you think he's, you're having hallucinations and you think he's Esteban. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say, let's see, Battle of the Alamo. Let's see when that guy occurred. That's going to be 1836. Invention of the NBA. We just...

Greg Popovich did more for fucking San Antonio than anybody from the Alamo. That's true. It was invented in June 1946. I forgot where it even happened. I was thinking like it was literally nothing ever happened there. And then I was like, oh, what town was it close to? One of my coworkers, did I tell you he went on a honeymoon to the Alamo? You told me about that.

I think it was the other day you were telling me. This is a free one. I hope he doesn't check it out. That's just a funny thing to me. Oh, I guess it was San Antonio in general. I don't think he was, like, making love at the Alamo, you know? Have you ever been there, to the Alamo? We went when I was a kid.

Yeah, it's not. I feel like it's a rite of passage for every Texas child to go there. It's crumbly as fuck. Yeah, it's. It's busted as hell. Yeah, it's not cool. It's dog shit. I mean, I think the Riverwalk as a whole attraction sucks huge dick.

I want to say we went to the aquarium. Yeah. Which that was sick. Or maybe that was SeaWorld. SeaWorld is in San Antonio. The aquarium's in Houston, like the big motherfucker. Oh, okay. I think I've been to the Houston Aquarium as well because my grandma lives down in Houston.

I think we went there as a kid, and it was sick. The aquarium's cool. The only thing with Houston I hated as a kid, I only went there like twice as a kid, was how humid it was, which is still like, still sucks. But now I realize how much where I'm from sucks too, and I'm like, humidity isn't like the top factor. No, it's bad. But also, I wouldn't want to live in houston in general no it's not walkable at all no that was that was one of the

things i think i was telling or will was telling us about and i was joking with somebody at the la show it's just like will will and matt and then eventually just matt ranting they were like yeah we were at the hotel and we wanted to go to a bar and you know bar said it was a six minute drive and like a 20 minute walk from New York and LA and I was like oh fuck it we'll walk 20 minutes to a bar and a big deal and they type it in and it's

not a 20 minute walk it's like a fort because they have to go on they would have to go on the feeder road like not on the feeder road but like one of the exit roads like because they were staying right off the freeway they have to go on the feeder road. Like, not on the feeder road, but, like, one of the exit roads. Because they were staying right off the freeway. They have to go across the freeway. So, yeah, it's like the fourth biggest city, but it's complete dog shit in terms of, like, living in a city.

Like, it sucks dick. It's terrible. Yeah. the main exports of Houston are roads and bottle girls. Yeah. That's what they say. It's just like how all Atlanta got is freaking good chicken, good clubs, and freaking big old booty in miami dude that's what we got yeah miami they just got sand cocaine and coke fat divorces big old fucking hogs dude

dude i love whores hey dude the fucking like the party was sluts thing i think that was like just a little bit before your time but i remember that is like this fucking like it is a moment of like it's like antiquity to me like i think about it like the sacking of rome or something where it's like this this time and culture where like it was around the time and i love workaholics i i fucking love workaholics it's one of my favorite shows of all time but it was around the time and i love workaholics i i fucking love workaholics it's one of my favorite shows of all time but it was around the time 2010 11 or workaholics was big i was in high school and uh around the time edm's getting big and ecstasy's coming back but in like

a douchey way not in like a raver way and i like entered college right at the tail end of this and i would see guys in like the kanye shutter shades and like the neon short shorts with the tank tops that were like i party with sluts and like like big whores more plea i don't know just like phrases that are like yes titties you know-mm, you know, like, yum-yum, buddy. This guy loves clitoris. Yeah, this guy loves getting his penis. Squirt addict alert. Orgasm honker, like, whatever the fuck. And when I see pictures of that era now, I'm like, dude, here's the thing. All the guys that I knew that were like that, there's a part of your brain, I think,

or not a part of everyone's brain, but you're like're like man i bet those guys have dog shit lives now all the guys that i knew that were i party with sluts guys and like let's get weird guys and like i fuck whores like like uh uh cool story babe like like show me your tits tits or get the all those guys are like merrill lynch guys now or like charles schwab like austin guys they'll live the domain they all drive like BMW M-Series. They're all like... Dude, this would be a good idea. I think we've talked about this before, but like that, but it's like brain damage phrases. It's like, cool bitch, babe,

show me your fucking. Yeah, or just like run it. Run iParty with sluts through like every Google Translate. Like run it through all the languages and see what comes out English on the other end. Like, slut haver, castle defense pussy man. Like, just have it, like, the big impact font.

That'd be good. Yeah, like, all that era of, like. Cock hater. Or just have it, like, in self. Like, I hate pussy. I do not like pussy, dude. I'm scared of women. I don't know how to talk to them.

Yeah, like that era of it's – you're like how could something like this happen? And it was just shortly after the financial crisis. And on the 10th anniversary of 9-11, something happened. And I think it was a beautiful moment. I got a good one. Yeah. All right. Bright pink shirt, neon yellow font.

Right. And this is Impact or whatever it was. Right, Impact font, yeah. Who let the stink out? Yeah. Yeah, I like that one. Yeah, I like that one. Yeah, that's a possibility. Anything involving...

Anything that's, like, sexually, like, suggestive involving stink is very funny to me. Like, damn, it's stinking here. But, like, sexually, we're like, that's funny as shit to me. Where the hell my dick go? Where the... Pussy look like a garbage disposal. Where the hell my dick go? Pussy look like a garbage disposal. It's a crop top.

Where the dick at? Right here. Yeah, like the man, the myth, the legend pointing to the penis, but it's just like the man, the myth, my penis. It's just like pointing to the dick. The man, the dick, the penis. The cock, the myth, my penis. It's just like pointing to the dick. The man, the dick, the penis. The cock, the dick, the penis. Yes, sir. Yeah, there we go.

The cock, the dick, the penis, the back of it, the asshole. It gets like matching joggers. Leg. Foot. Chest. Fuck. Oh, my God. Or it's like a bumper sticker for the back of your truck you know how it's like these colors don't run yeah it's like this um this cock comes

out of a penis yeah i like that too yes Yes, sir. Yes, sir. There's a whole fucking world. How about a honk if you fucked me? Yeah. Yes, sir. Come and take it. It's just a picture, like a grainy picture of my asshole on the back of a truck. Come and fuck me and my friend.

It's just two pictures of us. Come and fuck me and my friend, Jake. It's like the cannon on the Gadsden flag, but just like two pictures of us. Just like side by side. Come and fuck me and my friend Thomas at our house. It's like a Blue Lives Matter flag with a thin blue line. It's just like 20 super pixelated zoomed out pictures of like me jacking off on my bed. But it's like from the very corner of my room. You can't tell.

Yeah. People are like, what's that stand for it's like me jacking off in my room like a mount rushmore sticker that's like you know the few the proud or whatever like you know all gave some and some gave all but like instead of the you could only see it if you pulled up right behind me. Instead of all the presidents or whatever, it's just me holding my nuts in a certain way to where it kind of looks like a head. You get it gray and you add the rocky texture. So from far away, oh, that just looks like a warped Mount Rushmore.

You have to be right up on my ass to see that it's just me holding my nuts, like doing the brain. Or both of our dicks and then two of our friends dicks yeah four penis it's like four dicks i'm trying to think of a fourth person it's like me you alex that's about it um friend of the show alex like as a stunt being like you guys disgrace this this sacred land around mount rushmore you know this used to be dedicated to a chief you know and i'm gonna take this reclaim this by by spray painting a giant dick across all four faces and it's going to be leading into another spray painting

of my asshole which if you go around to the other side of the building it's the rest of my body jacking off into my own mouth and then if you go back to the original side of the painting you'll see my dainty little feet and my toenails are painted

and one of my friends is licking my feet and then if you go around to the other side of the mountain you'll see my friend's ass and his feet and i'm licking his feet as well and if you go back around to the face side you'll see um my friend's ears which are full of jizz and if you go back to the back side of the mountain you'll see a third friend who's standing up jacking off on us both. He is a friend who jacked off into the other friend's ears.

Together, we have spent over $300,000 on spray paint. The Lakota tribesman that was working with you to do this activism. It's a 20-year prank. He's like, honestly, I preferred Mount Rushmore to this this at least it was some semblance of national pride uh this just looks like you and your friend spent 20 years and half a million dollars making gay pornography on the mountain he's like you know they have drones that do this right that's how they did the carvings with like, like, lasers and shit. Right. That was fucking, you guys are doing all this bullshit. Yeah.

I would have probably done South Park instead. That would have been way funnier. For the chiseling? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Stewie, Meg Griffin, all the South Park guys. Yeah, it's got Homer, Homer, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Miss Piggy. Freaking.

Adam Carolla. Right. You know, and the Flintstones. Johnny Sins. Oh, my God. Dude, there was something I wanted to ask you. When we're talking about, like about end of the world stuff, there's this thing I think about sometimes where it's like,

okay, imagine the world does end, but we're pretty advanced, so I feel like we could recuperate rather quickly. It's bad for 20 years. It's really fucking bad. Mad Max stuff, the road stuff, World War Z, not zombies, like gangs of marauders and there's murder and there's rape and there's child killing and there's fucking just depravity and blood and fucking savagery like barbarism dude as hell and among that though

there's pockets of like you know protected little enclaves where people are trying to re-establish society well imagine you at like the age you're at now like the world ends tomorrow the age that we're at so like 23 like we're in our 20s you know uh you gotta live like a hard dick motherfucker for two you survive i know we both joke we wouldn't live but imagine we fucking rise to the challenge and we're out there we We're fucking killing people. We're just killing and robbing and just going hard as fuck. And society rebuilds itself. We're like 48.

And then we have to go back to like doing email, like Excel stuff. Like I often do wonder like if something were to really happen and it does get bad for like 20 or 30 years like there are gonna be people That when the world does get rebuilt they have to like go back to like waiting tables after like eating squirrels and shit like drinking their own piss for like 10 20 years like Like you see a kid on the side of the road and like the moms like hobbling and then but they got a whole basket Of shit and they're hiding in the wood like you're gonna kill them Well, I mean a wise man once told me Job is job yeah that's true very good like i guess the i mean it'd be the same way as like having like an infantry like a war veteran like he just washes dishes and every now and he goes and then like that i mean you know

that's yeah i mean i think i mean life could get a lot worse and it'd be all right. Yeah, that's true. I mean, my life is good right now. It's been worse. For sure. It's been a lot worse. And the worse it ever gets, the more it just keeps going on at the same pace. That's so true, man.

What can you do? It just keeps going on at the same pace. That's so true, man. What can you do? I mean, you know, you can sit on your front porch for like five months before anybody kicks you out usually. And you can do nothing else. You can shit yourself every few hours. You can piss all over yourself.

Well, you get a UTI and die within a few weeks, I guess. From sitting in the soaked pee and poop and your penis is resting in the poop and pee. Yeah, you die from that for sure. You can't do that, Jake. Yeah. Please don't. That's the worst advice I've ever given. Please don't sit on your porch for five months and sit in your poop and pee.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think... I do think that having any... You know, I'll own up. I've been a little blue. I've been a little down in the dumps. Really? Really. And it's funny to be like,

well, all right, let me try the old reliable. It's like you go pick up weights over there, just try them. So I'm going to pick up this piece of metal, but I was like, yeah, it's not working. All right, I'll go run. That's not working. I guess I'll write something that's not working. And then you realize it's like, oh, well,

whenever I tried all this other stuff and it didn't work, I would just like do drugs, but I can't do that anymore. So I just have to, like, sit and you have to be like, damn, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's funny to, like, exist in moments where you're like, fuck. Like, you know, I'm thinking about getting hit by a truck and you're like, nah, I don't want to get hit by a truck. Like, I get to go to eat sandwiches and shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, I get to fucking get to give my dog a piece of pepperoni.

She goes nuts yeah yeah i mean to me it's like you know people survive off either hope or just you know uh pretending they have it you know we're just right but i mean for me it's like none of my uh most of my ambitions have never been realistic that's true my like when i was younger i was like man it'd be so cool to be like a rapper yeah and i was like it's from pister texas it's the stupidest fucking thing in the world and then i was like man be it'd be cool to be like you know how everybody on twitter who has like a thousand followers is like a millionaire? Yep, I do remember thinking that. And then I fucking got there and I was like, I'm making no money at all.

Turns out there's no monetization of Twitter. Yeah, nothing. Well, let's just keep putting all my time into it. Yeah. So I did. You know, I've made a lot of good friends. But now it's like, okay, what are my realistic goals? It's like, well, I want to finish college.

That's probably my most realistic goal long term for how I'm doing right now. You know, it's like the first time in my life where I really, like, have it together. Yeah. Which is, I thought I had it together for a long time. Right. Fucking sure as hell didn't negative yeah i was fucking shit out of luck but um you know it's like is that the most exciting thing in the world to me in some ways yeah because it's like the other things that i look forward to it's like okay what is know, I like, I like comedy a lot.

I don't, I'm trying to get into standup a little bit, but I keep going to mics that they don't have. I keep going to open mics that aren't happening on that night and then just eating cheesesteaks and going home. So that's not going great so far, but it's like, you know, with something as big as comedy, it's like, what is the end goal there? And I think it's important to not necessarily have an idea right of how successful you're gonna be in anything other than like and i don't want

to sound like like i'm taking myself too seriously but i just like it's something i've learned over the past probably you know a year or so it's like have a goal to, you know, like do the best you can at something. But don't be like, oh, I'm going to be as big as this guy. Right. Or I'm going to be like, I'm going to get this exact degree. And this will be my exact GPA. This is exactly where I'll work. I'm not saying don't ever do that because I know there's like there's dudes who just straight fucking boss it up. Yeah, crush it.

Yeah. Fucking go for it if that's you. that's absolutely not me right um and it's like what you know yeah I want to finish college and you know like make good money and you know be able to support family and stuff and I think at this point that's more important to me than like being a famous comic because like being i i know famous comics now and it's like what you do basically is you live with other comics usually and you do what we do and you just go to nicer restaurants and you go to nicer hotels and like you do bigger shows and more of them and you get paid for them yeah and you have like nicer shit i guess yeah it's like you go to parties with people that are like like oh the least like the guy from uh fucking oh the guy from the 1975s over there cool you

know i'm saying like like yeah you when you're younger, you think, oh, holy shit, that's going to be so cool. It's – I've hit the very lowest level of that. Right. It's not – it's fucking useless. Yeah, yeah, right. Like, I've met, like, two, like, famous adjacent people. Yeah. And they were just the most standard people. Right.

You'd ever meet – nothing wrong with that. But you know what I mean? It's like – You have to – What's up, dude? And it doesn't – you don't, like, instantly form a connection with somebody, you know what i mean it's like you have what's up dude and it doesn't you don't like instantly form a connection with somebody you know most of the time or whatever it's like you usually if you befriend people or whatever it doesn't mean you're gonna what does that mean yeah it's like are you inspired to oh oh you met the fucking drummer from

uh fucking death grips yeah oh are you guys working on an album together now he just asked me for a cigarette and then like we went outside yeah it's like you you you write for the jimmy fallon show oh it's fucking cool that you met a guy who produced for vince staples for one song i mean that is cool yeah but it's like these are just people right meeting each other right i don't i don't fucking like meeting new people that much i like staying at my house yeah i like i like getting out and mixing like i like getting out but it's like man dude wouldn't it be cool to be famous and meet a million people every day and then you go and you hang out at a different apartment every day you just go to the wildest

parties till you're like 40 yeah and then you like have to go to rehab and then like it all your friends were like 22 yeah and you're like the 40 year old dude so they're like fuck yeah he's gone yeah you get out of rehab and it's like oh fuck i have not been paying child support for a few years now it's like i don't know not that not that not that everybody ends up like that, but it's like. Right, but it's like, I just don't see that being good for me at all. I can definitely speaking from like the very. I'm talking like the crumb of success and attention that we get.

I'm like, this makes me paranoid. Like, I don't. It's not all the time time but there are some times when i'm like you know like having a bad day or whatever i'm like it like what if i like go to move up in my job job and then eventually one day there's a clip of the show that's like yeah all right um batman but he works at the gas station And he's Indian And he has 42 IQ Which for the record has never happened Right we did Bane

It was Indian Bane that we did Neither of those happened They did happen Well one did No neither of them really ever happened Anyway It's like Show me your boobs, Batman.

That was that was the classic line from that one that I remember laughing really hard at because we were doing. I am the Joker, Batman. I remember we were coming up with all these puns and we were trying to make it like kind of clever, like Bane. And he's Indian and he works at the gas station. And then we went to like horny Indian guy, which is a classic. And then you were like, show me your boobs, Batman. It just fucking lost my shit. And every now and then I'll be like cleaning the dishes

and I'll fucking crack up laughing. And actually, it was so funny. And I'm like, I'm not going to explain that. So I'm just like, oh, I thought, remember that scene from the nice guys when Ryan Gosling about falls down the hill? I'm not going to be like, yeah, this was like a year and a half ago. I was really tired with Thomas, and we were trying to be funny on an episode,

and we did Bane, but if he was from Bangladesh. Hey, yo, Batgirl. It's me, Bane. Send me a picture of your pussy. Hey, do you still got that flip phone? I know that your ass will be on cricket playing. Can you send me a picture of your lips and cheeks, please? This be Robin.

Bye. Here's a good one. This is Batman if he was a snake. Very good. And then this is the Joker if he was a mouse. Right. Right. And this is the snake.

This is... No, it's a Batman game. This is the snake. This is, no, it's a Batman game. Have you ever done a live feeding with a snake? It's pretty fucked up. I usually eat them dead. Because they don't, they don't.

Yeah. They're a lot easier to digest that way. They're not just wriggling around. They don't tear, they don't tear my vocal cords so much. Did I tell you the, with the class I took in high school school it was like it was like an ap like science course and it was like uh for college credit or whatever but uh i don't i may have i've already told us just if i if you heard this one just tell me shut the fuck up it's the end of the episode doesn't matter um there was a there's a big old boa constrictor um and, it was like old and it wouldn't, uh, like attack food on its own. We had to, uh, get, uh, like dead rats and feed it to them.

I never really thought too much about it. And, uh, the teacher's like, hey, Rhodes, like, we're gonna feed the big boa. And I was like, oh, cool, we're gonna go get a frozen rat. And we're gonna throw it in there and that motherfucker's gonna get it. Um, he's like, alright, let's go to the rat room so i'm like all right whatever he's this like old um like yoked old man not like steroid yoked but like he's what he like biked like 50 miles a day which is like an old healthy guy so we're like following behind him and he's you know he's like you ever fed the rats i'm like no it's my first time and he's like all right well i'll show you how it's done so in the rat room stinks to high heaven dude air stick with like rat shit it's just like a cacophony of squeaking sounds they've got

little bitty baby rats that they feed live feed to uh to the younger snakes and uh i was like looking around for like the frozen rats that we feed to the boa because she was too old to, like, strike or whatever, like, and squeeze. And he opens this big drawer, and there's these big, cute rats. Like, have you seen the one that John posts, Gucci Bone? They were those rats. He goes, here you go. And I was like, oh, where are the, like, the frozen ones or whatever? And he's like, they're not frozen.

And, you know, we're, like're talking about it, and I was like, oh, I thought she couldn't strike and squeeze. She's old. And he's like, yeah, no, you got to do it like this. I'll show you how to do it. And he grabs another one of the rats out of there by its tail and spins it and slams it into the fucking counter. Nonchalant as shit.

The rat is like, quiet blood pouring out of its eyes and nose and ears and he's like we'll feed this one right now and you do and then next time you come in here and you smash this motherfucker and then you'll feed it you got it and i was like no like i don't like no man i'm not like he's like hey man circle of life and i was like the circle of life is like when a snake uh like squeezes a rat and its eyeballs come out and it's like body falls apart and he eats it that's the circle of life i'm not involved in that i don't live out in the jungle like i don't live in the fucking rivers or whatever where the anacondas and boas are uh this is not that i'm not gonna kill a rat like that he's like yes you know you gotta feed the snake you want to feed the snake i was like anyway that motherfucker would like all right today you know

like a week will go by we'll feed the snake he would do the same shit man i never i could never get to the point of stomach of like i didn't mind feeding like one of the smaller mice to the like a live snake i was fine but there's something about like because those bigger rats were like friendly like the little ones are like they're fucked up looking but those big like fuzzy like white and brown like they almost look like guinea pigs which i had as a kid it's like man i don't want to pick up one of these fucking little critters dude and just hey man you hungry boom like smash his fucking head like into the into the like a counter there like a marble counter they had and then it dies which is how i found out that i don't think i could be a serial killer like i think i could

like shoot a guy if i had to but i don't think i mean it was very funny i just realized what i said it's like at that moment at 18 i realized i couldn't be one like that yeah it's like i thought about it maybe you went in there to feel what it was like to kill a rat yeah yeah like and then you found out you couldn't do it and you just just went home and you threw away your diet. Yeah, yeah. Well, fuck. I don't need these bone-melting supplies anymore. Yeah, the PDFs I had gotten of how to make piranha potion,

the one that's like hydrochloric acid. Throwing away all my... You threw your reading glasses away. Yeah, my big fucking Coke bottle glasses. Oh, yeah. It was fucked up. I didn't like anything about that. Yeah, a guy realizing

he can't be a serial killer and he just gets LASIK surgery. Well, you know. Well, whatever. Fuck it, whatever. Hey, motherfuckers, check this shit out. It's the end of the year.

It's the holiday season. Christmas is coming up. I want you to be be thankful you know if you have time for what i don't give a do you know what's going on right now in hungary what's going on in hungary there's a bunch of there's six dogs Okay And they're beating up an old guy Rest in peace No He was hitting them

What's going on Yeah you gotta Take a look at your life And if you've got If you don't got anything at all To be grateful for I guess Fuck man I'm sorry

Well Just know that we, Jake and I, are your personal best friends. We'll provide you with as much content as your body can handle. And if you want to be even better than best friends, give us $5,000 to $10,000 to $25,000

to $6,000 a month. Right in our fucking wallets, because we're greedy motherfuckers. Yeah, go on to Patreon. We need it. We need it bad. You need to pay my car off, you piece of shit. If you want to go to

patreon.com slash pendeo time and throw us five bucks, you'll get four more of these a month. And then, if you give us ten, you'll get a video episode. We're starting to do some sketch stuff. Maybe. Actually, I don't know.

But for this month, we got some stuff coming for the hanchos and for the john wayce john wayne gacy people i don't know the fuck y'all keep doing this but thank you to the john wayne gacy guys uh we got some episodes coming to you guys and some fun stuff um happening yeah also to any of the Patreon people, I apologize for puking on the last episode. That hopefully won't happen for a few months from either of us. No promises, but who knows? Yeah, life is a highway, and I want to ride it.

Yeah, hop on that fucking Patreon. If all the people who listen to this show got on the Patreon, then I wouldn't have to do anything. I could look at my phone all day and get hugely fat again. And Jake would be so happy and fulfilled in life if he had to do if he had less responsibility if there's one thing i know about my good friend jake is that what he thrives idle time is free time not spent on his energy-draining hobbies

selectively chosen throughout the years to combat certain mental tendencies. Yeah. If there's one thing about me, it's that what I need is more time on my phone and on the Xbox because I've definitely not cultivated so many hobbies over the years

that sort of keep all of this at bay. I just need more time alone in the dark. If there's a good place for my friend Jake to be, it is on a couch alone in his apartment. Completely unmonitored. With nowhere to be for the next 10 hours. No band practice, no recording, no podcasting, no friends hitting him up. No friends, no MMA, no Muay Thai, no wrestling, nothing.

Just fucking in the dark on Twitter and DMs with the same 22 mentally ill guys, and we're all going pee-pee at each other and then just watching documentaries about, you know, like aliens and the CIA. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah. So, anyway, what I was trying to say is I want that. Fuck all what Thomas said earlier.

I want to hang out with Mary Beth Denberg from a fucking all the – I want to hang out with – who's the bitch from the Amanda Bynes show? Amanda Bynes. I want to hang out with that bitch. Yeah, probably. I want to hang out with fucking. Is Wendy Williams still alive? She's dead as fuck, I do believe.

I want to hang out. Seriously? I think she stroked out and died. Fuck. I want to. Like physically? Like she was jilling off? Yeah, she was jilling off her little

On camera Her little Jaina was jilled off She was making the perfect reaction Yeah she was She died doing what she loved Yes sir I want to hang out with They had an open casket

But it was closed except for a hole Because she was like a water fountain You know when guys die and they get they get erect yeah when you die you start pooping they had a hole on one end and a hole on the other yeah she kept squirting back into the coffin like perpetual motion yeah yes they had a cut on a whole new entryway for her at the funeral home. I couldn't get this bitch to stop squirting. And that's who I want to spend my time with.

I got to post this motherfucker because it's late. All right, bye. Ah, shut up. They don't care. Nobody watches. Nobody listens. I'll see you guys. See you, bye.