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I think, I don't know, man, I do want to do the live show, but I think it would be,
Odessa would be cool because Odessa, that whole area overwhelmingly,
like more so than any county or city in the country, voted for Trump.
So if we just like double down on like the blue collar war stories
or just like working out in the sun or just guys we've met i'm pretty sure
we could kill but i like the idea of it just being like uh yeah like 10 tickets like outside
like in a like in a fucking desert somewhere we get we get one you know we get one of the guys
from new york or whatever to fly down and we don't talk about payment because, you know, they're like,
oh, you know, that sort of thing just works out.
And at the end of the night we're like, all right, man, here's $25.
Yeah, we made $36.
I have to drive back to Austin on a credit card, but you can have $25.
Here's a Visa prepaid card.
It has $ dollars on it and and also i
found a bunch of sonic gift cards in my car i don't know if any of them have money on them
but you can see anyway i appreciate you showing up man thanks bud thanks for flying oh how how
long was it how expensive was it 380 that's sick man sorry some of these shows just don't pan out
you know also they would have to stay in one of the hotels
in Odessa.
And every hotel over there,
the rats have
concealed handgun licenses
and stuff. Well, all the oil rig
guys out there that make...
Because you can go out there, dude. I remember watching
a little documentary about it and reading about it, and I know
guys who've gone out there.
And you can go out there as a hand or even more money as like a guy who knows what he's doing and you can
make fucking killer money but it is hard and dangerous work and a lot of those guys live
either on man camps that are next to like where like right on wherever they're working or they
they like live in extended stay hotels.
So I've got a couple friends from over there,
and every time they go back home or whatever and they stay in one,
they'd say it's like those guys just,
all their money, it's like meth hookers blow.
That's just how they,
if they get one day off every fucking two and a half weeks.
So all the hotels are just run the fuck down
with just deckhands,
just some of the hardest fucking
saltiest motherfuckers that ever walked the earth uh so that would be probably a good place to do
the show in the convention center of a la quinta in odessa i'm telling some story i think is really
cool about a time that i had to scrub the floor at jimmy johns and they're just looking into my
soul like you don't know pain son you. You don't know hardship at its core.
You've never looked death in the eyes and seen your own reflection staring back.
And I'm just like, I think that they should make ice cream for dogs.
What do you think, Jake?
I think they should make a car that a poodle could drive.
What do you guys think?
I think they should make a car that a poodle could drive.
Where you guys sink.
Do you think that there's a planet called Bubo and that a guy like you lives there and he's fat?
What if I had ten fingers on every two hands?
I remember hearing a story from a guy I knew who went out there and literally did not last very long.
But they're out there digging a big fucking hole.
And they hit like a... They were digging near some...
Tearing down a building and digging a big fucking hole for some fucking reason.
I don't remember.
But anyway, he just smashes into a big wasp's nest.
Like a red wasp nest.
And he hops out the the hole and the other guy
that he's working with is just still digging now he's got like frs on and gloves but like and he's
got like a hat but it's like next you know like he's just they're like landing on him he's just
swatting him away and the guy's like the fuck you getting out a hole for he's like there's like a hundred wasps in there he like
he's like uh-huh he's like it ain't quitting time and i was like man i think i'm i have i have
delusions of grandeur about being you know i can withstand pain or whatever i've withstood quite a
bit of it but i fucking hate bees and wasps and fuck you if you're telling me to stay
in a hot hole it's like 115 degrees just getting my neck and eyeballs and shit chewed up no fucking
thank you i'm out of there i quit that day so yeah us telling a story about how it was really
hot one time on a roof and a mexican guy almost fell down the roof would probably just not yeah
it just would not they'd be like i remember i think
i did something like that when i was five five six i had to dig a well by myself before i could
walk and i had to crawl up the sides of it get out like like that scene in the emperor's new groove
except it was it was just me and i i had my back up against a possum's back.
The possum kept trying to quit,
and I had to yank its tail to move its legs up to get me out.
It reached the top of me,
and the possum fought to the death,
and I had to bite its spinal cord in half.
Hey, it's a good show, though, Phil.
I was with my baby teeth,
and I sunk them so deep, my adult teeth came off in the spinal cord.
Maybe we could find a third mic out there.
Yeah.
That would be a good one.
Yeah, I mean, doing like a Texas, I don't know.
Again, we're just going to have to organize it or just wait a little bit longer.
I mean, it is funny to me, though, to think I had trouble finding shit in the state and cities that I've lived in.
But I know that we could probably do one in Columbus and Hieu.
But I just don't.
Logistically, I don't want to go to Ohio for one reason.
Yeah, no, exactly.
Like, I would like Ohio to be a stop.
It would be cool if Ohio was like a stop.
Columbus listeners, I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care to go there.
We're going to lose like 200 patrons, dude.
Our listener base is so fucking concentrated.
Some of you guys have to be on a VPN or something that's telling us that like 10% of our listener base is in Ohio.
Is in Columbus and then right outside Cincinnati in some, I think, H-O-U-G-A-H-U or H-O.
I don't fucking know.
Yeah.
I don't understand that.
I still don't.
I mean, I'm not complaining.
Several people have been like, yeah,
Ohio is just, it's rust, but it's unhinged.
Everyone out there is fucking, whatever, man.
Unhinged is an overused word.
It's also Ohio.
Yeah, so.
What do you got out there?
Is Akron out there?
Yeah, Akron's out there.
I wanted to go to law school.
I wanted to say Akron. I don't, Akron's out there. I wanted to go to law school. I wanted to say Akron.
I don't know.
I don't speak the dialect.
I think it's Akron.
Akron?
That just sounds like you're from Arkansas and you're trying to say Akron.
Yeah, I cut me down more than Akron.
Akron.
Dude, that used to... Go ahead, go used to go ahead go ahead
you ever meet those
people who say
pecan
yeah I was about to
some southern pronunciations of words
even growing up in the fucking south for as long as I have
doesn't matter
my grandma says
well she's my meemaw.
Okay.
My meemaw says,
warsh.
But she can say,
watch TV.
I've lived,
when I used to live with her,
I was like,
hey, I have a question for you.
She's like,
and I'm like,
what do you say
when you want to look at TV?
And she's like,
what are you,
I probably fit,
that was all shit.
I was like,
say watch.
She's like, watch. I'm like, now say it's wash just without just go wash fuck like I don't know why like like why and then yeah but she says like pecan acorn wash um I say fixin' too. Like, I do say that. Like, I, that's, but like, to her, but Fixin', I'm like, okay, that's fine.
But there are some pronunciations, like, Pekin fucking pisses me off.
Is that more of a Deep South thing?
I mean, my grandma was originally from a town that borders Oklahoma.
I don't remember the name.
It was a small fucking maybe 400 people in there.
But everyone in her family, like, when I've, like, met other people from that side of the family,
like, my grandpa talked like that.
But my grandpa was, like, from Chicago, but he lived in Oklahoma.
I don't fucking know.
And then Warsh is, I think that's a Deep South thing.
Because people from louisiana
when i'm in louisiana i don't hear that but when i have like driven through arkansas arkansas and
tennessee and shit i hear like you know car war warsh like i've heard people from like that part
of the south i do think that the dialect is somewhat um changed over the generations also
because i've known people who've lived in the same the exact same area as me their
whole lives but the the older people will say things slightly more in a deep south manner
sometimes but then others i don't know i think i mean obviously it's there's a lot of different
factors some people just pick up on certain things really easily.
Yeah.
But I've also met, there's like the Boomhauer style.
Yeah, that's like a Louisiana thing, at least in my experience.
But I've known, I know guys who are from like my hometown.
Outside Fort Worth, Dallasallas panhandle yeah yeah
not really panhandle it's really more i'm closer to like oklahoma than the panhandle really um
i'm like an hour and a half from or i was at least from oklahoma but i don't know how far i am now i've never
been to oklahoma like on purpose you know yeah just been driving places
i don't go to windstar or any of that seems like a fool's gambit you know
definitely is those places those slot machine joints and casinos out there it's just like for like i mean if if i mean if you're good at poker
or whatever you know good on you but yeah no no no for sure but i mean it's just penny slots and
the women that sit at them are just like hey like they just are like i really respect it when somebody like when
when women chain smoke for like 70 years straight
picking up with the kingpin the bowling movie with the woody harrelson
never mind they all look like his landlord they're like just fucking
yeet and they sit there and you know fuck oklahoma i don't want i don't know that
not fuck oklahoma i don't some of you are from there but i've never really had a good time
are you bending to the the uh invisible hand of the oklahoma listener base yeah yeah i don't like oklahoma it's okay um i don't like not a big fan of alabama
um florida the part of florida that's next to alabama i don't like like yeah like pensacola
not for me i haven't been to miami i feel like that's different and like tampa bay and all that
orlando was cool um like florida is just pretty like it's the same temperature i like publics
yeah it's a good grocery store for sure uh it's the same general insanity and temperature as texas
i think florida and texas are kindred spirits in that way. Like, it's just...
But it is prettier
in the sense that, like, you know,
it was a fucking jungle,
like, 200 years ago.
It doesn't feel like white people
are supposed to be there.
No, it literally is.
It's like, yeah, it is.
The Everglades are there.
Like, it's fucked up.
It should just be old Cubanan dudes yeah old cuban guys and then like tribal untouched like well i wouldn't
go that far uh you know maybe i would we were an anti-native american podcast um very pro andrew
jackson trail of. Get over it.
Trail of Beers.
Oh.
Oh.
When you're on it, they call it the Trail of Queers.
Because you're...
Because you're...
Because I'm what, bud?
Because you're gay.
I'm just kidding.
No, when you're on it, they call it the Trail of...
Here's Jake.
Yeah.
The trail.
I do a lot of writing before every episode, and I'll present the bits to you, and you'll say, these are great, Thomas.
Let's do these.
A plus. to you and you'll say these are these are great thomas let's do these and then i i
i present them on the show and you just kick me in the head and you spit on my neck and you call
me a fool yeah you say you were the biggest jester in the king's court thomas and then you
you make me uh wear a silly hat.
I do do stuff like that.
It's funny for me to demean you in that way.
I like it.
Dude, I was pulling out of the
Austin Kickboxing Academy
is the name of the gym.
They're not a sponsor.
You shouldn't name them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, dude, I'm backing out of the fucking parking spot.
And I did that workout, kicked my fucking ass.
I could barely even finish it.
But anyway, I'm backing out of the fucking parking spot.
And this guy has parked a sprinter van, like, behind my car.
And I can't get out because he, he like he couldn't pull forward all the way because there was a light post.
One of those parking spaces with the light post like in front of it.
So half of the fucking sprinter vans.
So I'm kind of stuck in my in my spot.
So I'm in my backup camera like I'm not even trusting that thing.
I'm looking out.
I have the door open.
And I'm fucking pulling forward, dude. And I see out i have the door open and i'm fucking pulling forward dude
and i see the back of the van open and i'm like uh you know what uh and and i get a look in the van
and the guy's living in there it's got like it's like one of those um yeah bro so i like sold the
apartment and like the car and i just got a sprinter van it's like one of those um yeah bro so i like sold the apartment and liked a car and i just got a
sprinter van it's like one of those it's got like a bed and like i see a little kitchen in there and
then like a skateboard and then like a pair of boxing gloves so i think he was gonna go
work out but it looked like he had just woken up so i don't know if he lives in the parking lot of
the boxing gym or what that's dedication right dedication right there. Yeah. And he was like, bro, you got like three feet.
And I'm like, oh, okay.
So I like let off the brake.
And he's like, stop!
And I'm like, I didn't even go like an inch.
And he's like, oh, it was a close one.
And I was like, all right.
So I like had to pull back into the fucking spot.
And I try to go out backwards.
But my front end is almost hitting the fucking van. So I try to go up backwards and to the left again and exit a normal way in the
parking lot and the guy's just sitting there watching me and I'm like hey dude uh could you
just like pull your van up like it would just have to be a couple feet I it would be super close but
I don't want to nick this van it's a nice van and he's like oh no i don't got
room there was like three feet of clearance that he could have moved forward very easily but
yeah i i don't know i i was like it i had he sat there and watched me go
like make like a 55 point turn and he was like like, you got it. And I was like, thanks dude. I got,
you know, like one of those moments you have where like the person that you need to help you
has decided for whatever reason, maybe they don't like your face or your tone of voice
that they are not helping you. They don't want to help you. They want you to suck your own dick
till you die. Like he could have just been like, like yeah let me just scoot over to the left like three feet no he just watched me fucking struggle and then uh and then i fucked off but
in his defense i probably would have done the same thing if i live out of a van in a parking lot of a
boxing gym uh i either have the coolest life or i have the kind of life where you're like eh maybe
today you know maybe maybe maybe tomorrow i got some things i want to clear up but probably soon the kind of life where you're like, eh, maybe today. You know?
Maybe tomorrow I got some things I want to clear up,
but probably soon, this month,
I'm going to fucking call it, big dog.
But, you know,
like, van guys have been co-opted.
I mean, I don't know.
Van guys have always existed,
but like, with the advent of social media, you see so many, like,
you know, yuppie couples that, like.
Was this, like, a Ford Transit?
No, it was a Sprinter.
So, it was, like, the Mercedes?
I think so.
No, it looks.
I think Sprinter is a Dodge.
I thought Mercedes made the Sprinters, but I could be incorrect.
They might.
It was a Sprinter, though.
I don't know who makes it.
But it was one of, like, he opened the van up,
and it looked like a little apartment in there.
Like, if you're going to live out of your van, man, come on, brother.
You've got to be sucking dick out of that thing.
Yeah.
No, it's Mercedes makes the Sprinters oh okay are those expensive yeah dude they're first of all they're mercedes but like yeah i was i was thinking because like the
i want to say that that ford was the first to make that like style of van like with the transit
van i think uh no the people were doing them with the
with the with the volkswagen well yeah no i mean that specific like style oh i want to say the
ford transit was like the first like that to be like and then mercedes like made theirs but more
luxurious or whatever that's what i was gonna say is like whenever i see some fucking video on like twitter instagram or like tiktok or whatever where it's like there's a fucking it's like me and my
husband we sold all of our worldly possessions and bought a forty thousand dollar van and
retrofitted it with fucking 150 000 worth of shit and i'm like man that's not living out of a van like to me living out of a van
is like you got like an old astro van or like an old dodge van from like the late 80s and the
motherfucker has like 650 000 miles on it and it's always it breaks down all the time it smells like
cat piss like to me that's van living yeah like you have you might have a mattress or you might
just have like a bunch of blankets
yeah and you sleep on most of them and you use one of them as your as a blanket as a blanket blanket
yeah and then you have like maybe you've got a camping stove in there like that's as fancy as
you're allowed to get yeah and you take a shit like outside like whenever i see one of these vans
retrofitted with like tempur-pedic mattresses up top and they're like a loft in there.
And there's a fucking like kitchenette and like an electric stove.
And, you know, they've got like hookups and they've got like a septic system.
I'm like, dude, you just have an apartment.
This is not, I mean, it is van living literally, but it isn't really like, like, what are you doing?
Also, if you live there, if you live in your own van, that's privilege by itself.
There's this Taco Bell back home where for at least four years, dude,
half of the Taco Bell staff lived in the parking lot of Taco Bell in the same van.
It was awful.
I can't imagine what it smelled like in there but you would you would be like in line at the drive-thru and you would like watch like one of
the guys get out of the van in his taco bell uniform and like go clock in and then like maybe
someone would get off their shift and then like go just sit in the van yeah that's the dream right there i i don't know if they were paying rent they had to be
well like you can uh there are certain places like some walmart's apparently you can sleep
in the parking lot of a cabela's loves truck stop you can sleep like where the trucks are
like if you live out of your car and you're one of those, like, wanderlust, like, traveler people, there are places, like, I've heard Cabela's.
I know Love's.
I know some Walmarts will let you do it.
Especially, like, the 24-hour ones.
Like, no one really, you know.
Because I remember, like, for a while I was, like, because my buddy Chad had a fucking sick van, dude.
He, oh, man, this is one of my biggest missed opportunities
he took an old dodge van and rebuilt the fucking motor put like drawers inside and like shag carpet
and like a three moon wolf he made it like an old 70s like hippie uh fuck van and he had like a full
mattress in there and then the mattress sat on top all these drawers it looked like something
like this fucking mystery machine was so sick and he sold it for way too cheap. He took an L on it because he needed it
out of the garage. But, uh, but I remember looking into a lot of places that you can like sleep in
the parking lot, like, you know, 24 hour fitnesses and stuff like that. Like you can just do whatever
the fuck you want. Um, supposed to be now, know but anyway like i guess for like stuff like that like i guess you're not
paying rent i mean like no i mean i mean if it's not your van and you've got like like if i've got
like three people who want to stay in my van like they're not doing that for free okay i was i
don't care if they're my friends no at that point it's like like 50 bucks a week come on like yeah
it's got to be something well also like when i took a road trip through the american southwest
up to california i was in a big ass suburban with four five five of my best friends, dude, like five hours into that trip,
the car smelled like fucking like Taco Bell and just a feet three days in balls. Like it.
So I do, I wouldn't allow it simply due to like the stint. Like you can't do anything about
men that aren't showering properly living in that close proximity. You can't do anything
about that smell. You can't fucking do anything about it.
There's not a goddamn thing you can do.
No osium, no fucking Febreze, fucking nothing.
So it seems like it would be fucking gross.
But if you're sharing a van with two men, like Taco Bell,
maybe you're past the point of being like,
eh, smells, you know?
I don't really care anymore, you know?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
It would be rough to not be able to, like, take a shower.
Yeah.
This is not my, I mean, obviously I am aware that a lot of people don't have access to you know facilities and stuff but
i i hope i don't have to be homeless long term that would be actually i could probably ease
into that i could be one of those guys who's just always walking around shirtless
and you know people drive by and they're like oh he's drinking gatorade again good for him
by and they're like oh he's drinking gatorade again good for him one of those homeless guys that like like the weirdly leaned out yeah like prison yoked yeah yeah that's exactly like the i
did the i've never like whenever i see you see like you either see like skinny fat homeless guys
or just big bellied motherfuckers but every blue moon you'll see a dude who's probably like six to eight percent body fat
maybe like 170 and you're like how the fuck did you nah maybe it's genetics maybe it's
cocaine who knows maybe it's methamphetamine but uh i'm like dude i how do i what diet are
you on they're like uh lollipops uh rats uh crispitos toes that I find. Yeah.
Yeah.
I chew on cigarette butts a lot.
You're going to want to chew 30 to 50 cigarette butts a day.
Um,
I'm going to stab you like,
I need your shoes.
I need,
I need your,
you're going to want to give me your shoes.
Like fucking now.
Like,
I don't know.
Uh,
so you're going to, you're going to want to stand or like a so gonna be a caloric deficit right so you want to do a lot of cardio make sure you're lifting though
not too much cardio keep your protein at a minimum i'm gonna need your fucking wallet
i'm gonna need your fucking shoes and i don't need your keys there's this one um
There's this one, because I'm always at work refueling stuff or whatever.
I end up going to gas stations all over, and there's this one quick trip in Fort Worth.
There's this one homeless dude who tends to be there in the mornings.
He'll come by and offer to wash my windows and stuff.
And I'll just give him a couple bucks.
But one time he came up and I gave him, like, a few dollars.
And he was like, man, this is the best day ever.
I was like, oh, really?
Like, you having a good day?
And he was like, yeah, I found a pair of, like, real nice shoes in my size what are the odds and i was like that's good man yeah it's
you have a you have a good day just swag it out you have a good one man yeah
oh there was a there was a video i remember of us uh it was a homeless guy in New York, and he was fucking yoked.
And it was supposed to be a wholesome, motivational video.
He was fucking shredded, dude.
And he would work out in the exercise parks in Brooklyn and shit.
He'd be like, no excuses for people working out in there.
And the whole thing was, this man doesn't have a house and he's fucking jacked what's your excuse
you fat piece of shit you know and I remember like watching that video and I took it like the
opposite way I'm like dude all this guy has time to do it's like being in prison like all you have
time to do is either work out or like scrounge up enough money to like eat a fucking roll of taquito
drink a miller high life and go to sleep like you're homeless like you can go to the park but
you can't loiter you know you can like if you're present if you can like get a shower maybe you can
go to a museum i don't fucking know but if you're homeless like really homeless not like destitute
and like you're you're you're panhandling because you're also trying to pay you know like rent in a shitty fucking tenement somewhere in new york because that happens a lot
too where people are like this person has an apartment they're panhandling can you believe
it they're lying it's like uh no they just can't afford their fucking rent anyway this guy's like
doing pull-ups and like he's doing like dips on benches and he's like there's like hip-hop playing
he's like, yeah.
So when you're on your couch in your house, and you're too lazy to go to the gym, think of me.
It's like, no, I won't, because it sucks.
I'm really sad that you're fucking homeless, because that sucks, because you seem like nobody should be fucking homeless.
It doesn't matter what anybody is or what's going on in their life.
I don't think anybody should be fucking homeless, even if you're a fucking total asshole, useless cocksucker. But my point being that if you're homeless for whatever fucking reason, environmental, personal choice, mental health, I don't fucking
know. You have time. I have time, but I also have a fake job. And I also like, like to watch my
shows. If I lived outside, if I lived in the fucking world outside like i would not
i i do pull-ups all the goddamn day i do tricep dips at the fucking subway i do push
i would be so fucking annoying i'd be yoked but i'm not i like you'd be making that same video too
yeah you'd be like his voice yeah next time you're in your house and they're like this uh this man by the way his name is jacob
he doesn't talk like this they pull up an episode of the podcast where i'm talking like this
they're like i don't know where this happened or down the line but it's like the whole video is you
like working out they're like this man can magically change his voice as soon
as we turn the camera on something yeah he was doing that thing there was a part of the video
where he was doing the i forget the technical term for it but super fit people can like hang
sideways like a flag oh yeah i think it's called a flagpole yeah so he was doing that and doing
like oblique like making his art like but he was doing it at a playground and he, he was in like denim shorts and there's just children like running around and he's like, yeah, this is how we get it.
10 in the morning on a Saturday.
And he's like doing the flagpole thing.
And the camera guy, I don't know who the fuck was filming it, but it's like, he'll like film him.
And then like in the background, kind of blurry out of focus depth of field you can see parents like because the
video has the music it's edited but what they're seeing is like an impossibly jacked dude being
like like doing ronnie coleman shit like like oh baby he's like ripping off the monkey bars. Yeah, I can do this.
Yeah, I do this all day.
Exactly.
So, like, anyway, if I was fucking homeless, I'm pretty sure.
You know what?
No, I'm not going to even try to brag.
I'm not going to oversell myself.
You would.
I think you would just.
I would drink all day.
You would do what you do now.
Just outside.
Exactly.
I would be. day. You would do what you do now, just outside. Exactly. I would be...
I'm watching a family guy or It's Always Sunny through somebody's apartment.
It's my favorite episode, man.
They're like...
We're still recording.
Sorry, the Wi-Fi at Starbucks is really fucking shitty.
I'm out in the parking lot.
Sorry, I'm under a bridge.
The sound might be kind of bad today.
I'm at my house
i'm like you're good man i just i i'm gonna clear out this guest bedroom i just i have a bunch of
like lawn equipment in it right now eventually you can stay here but like just not right now i
know i know i have a couch but like you don't want to sleep on a couch do you and you're like
you're like huddled up with like 45
other dudes in like a phone booth where you sleep yeah that uh i think i told you um that time i
gave that guy the homeless guy a bunch of quarters and dimes it's probably like two or three dollars
and quarters and he fucking looks at him for a second and just fucking hums him across the feeder
road and he just looked at me like and i was like dude that was like three dollars and quarters and he fucking looks at him for a second and just fucking hums him across the feeder road and he just looked at me like and i was like dude that was like three
dollars and he was like he didn't say nothing he just stared and the light turned green i took off
but i was like man like that was a lot of change like i probably would have used that to buy
i don't know like a fucking beef jerky stick not that i needed it at
a job at the time but like i don't it was just like i've had encounters with homeless people
99.9 of the homeless people in austin are like cool and nice uh or they're just like they're
harmless but they're like drug addicts or they're mentally ill or whatever but every now and then
and i get like in houston this is common too you'll get a guy who's just like hey dude give me like five dollars like right now you're like
uh i don't have that and they're like fuck you and you're like respect that does not change the
fact that i don't have five dollars you've just hurt my feelings now one time i uh you ever do
the thing like where you reach in your wallet and like you don't have the bill you thought you did in there?
Yeah.
And you have like, you have some like, not like hundreds, but like 20s.
20s and 10s and shit.
Yeah.
Well, one time I did that and I felt bad. I just went ahead and gave the guy a $20 bill. Yeah, I've done that shit. Yeah. Well, one time I did that, and I felt bad.
I just went ahead and gave the guy a $20 bill.
Yeah, I've done that before.
Yeah.
And his response, so that's happened a few times.
And usually the response is like, they're just like, oh, man.
Wow.
This guy was like, that's all you got?
And I was like,
man, that's $20.
That's a lot of money.
That's a lot of money to me.
Yeah. This is like a legitimate sacrifice I'm making here.
Because I needed that for gas
and I'm just giving it to you for some reason.
Because I feel bad in this moment, bad enough
to... I'm like, this
changed your night. Yeah yeah you changed mine too for not a good reason like i do not have gas money yeah i have
to put like ten dollars worth of gas in my car for like a couple weeks now because of this but
anyway dude i uh i'm back to being like so fucking broke again like dead fucking broken yeah
because i mean yeah yeah i eat motherfucker and uh i'm back to putting like six dollars in my
gas tank i was just feeling like the fuck i was living fucking reckless abandon i was filling up
my fucking gas tank getting a little snowdy snack getting a little fucking no i'm putting like six
dollars in my gas tank and i'm like fuck dude
this fucking sucks at like moving i if i would not have moved and just stayed in san marcos like i
would have had so much fucking cheddar cheese but i'm fucking back on the back in the fucking
shithole again yeah i'm really thankful like a couple people were like hey man you need money
to help move and like i'm gonna be honest you. Had we not had this podcast, I would have absolutely taken that help.
With no shame.
Because people off the internet have helped me out before when I've been in really tight spots.
I'm not really morally opposed to it.
I don't think it's, like, shitty.
People want to help, I'll fucking take it.
Some cocksucker bought me a fucking Xbox.
Shout out to Tyler.
But, anyway, because we have the podcast and
like, I do have a job. I had to be like, Hey man, I really appreciate this. Um, it just cost me like
three grand to move. Cause I'm moving to fucking Austin. Like I'm going to have money again,
like in a month and a half when all my shit settles. But, uh, like I can't in good faith
take this because the pot, like we had just gotten the podcast money. And I was like,
I'm not going to have a guy send me like a hundred bucks when i just got like a thousand
dollars it's all gone that money's fucking gone now it went to fucking rent and double rent and
insurance and fucking deposits but um i was like no i can't man like i feel bad you know i don't
know it's just if you want to send it to me to help me fix my transmission
i'll take it even though it's only going to cost me like
40 dollars 50 bucks but it's going to be like a full day of i basically i have to like drop that
pan out yeah and then um i have to to replace the...
They've got this...
It just comes in a little bottle thing,
but it makes a new gasket or whatever.
But then I have to torque up the bolts exactly in the order
they're supposed to be done in,
and in a certain order.
And I've literally never worked on a transmission before so that's gonna be fun
but um that's uh it's part of the game yeah i uh i'm actually kind of excited because like
i'm complaining about it because i could do that you know this is kind of my show um
i mean it's yours too but this is a place where i come to i'm actually pretty happy with my
life but i uh i i guess i'll just come here and complain because uh i like working on on cars
especially like older stuff is kind of cool to me so that'll be fun yeah i mean it's always cool to
like try to figure something out maybe fuck it up more
but probably not unless it's if it's like a minor issue you know what's the worst case
i have to replace my entire transmission on my truck and it cost me like five thousand dollars
yeah yep yeah that would be it but um yeah that would be the oh man yeah worst case scenario what i dropped the engine out somehow and
the car explodes with me yeah i dropped the transmission out onto my head
600 pound piece of fucking metal
man what was that would be a real uh
that would be like uh j the Iliad or whatever.
Jason?
What is that his name?
I don't fucking know.
Where at the end where he's finished his whole quest
and then just part of the boat just falls and kills him?
Maybe. I have no idea i just i just got an email i i thought that i had my flight oh you're
checking your email that's cool it's not like we're busy doing anything i got i looked at my
fucking email because it went ding all right it was a little ding and my flight back home from mexico is canceled even though
they fucking told me that it wasn't so sorry i'm sorry for checking my email while we're at work
my apologies we're at work right now this is a part-time job this is
the most part-time job i've ever had. I don't know. Yeah.
Wait, I'm trying to figure this out.
Alright, I'm going to look at Iliad.
Is Jason a guy?
Is he?
Yeah, it's Jason.
That is a cool name for... I didn't even know that.
An ancient Greek, you know, mythological figure.
I've read, I think I read most of the Iliad in high school, but.
I don't remember.
I kind of just go through, I'm not one of those, I won't pretend to be a guy who reads regularly.
one of those i won't pretend to be a guy who reads regularly but when i do i'll like dive into it for like a month and then not do it for another like two years or like a yeah there's six months
or so i just i i'll kind of i kind of go through phases where like i'll be like ah dude yes
boring and then i'll just sort of feel like my entire vocabulary stripping away and
my mind deteriorating i'm like when was the last time i read something i'm like
uh like seven years ago i like looked at a cereal box and now i like spell my own name wrong
so i'm like i better work on that i didn't i like was reading a lot
obviously for school and then i have not been like i was reading fucking so much for like my thesis
and then my shit and then now all i listen to dude i you know i know some people don't like him
or whatever i've been listening to like so much joe rogan dude like
an absurd amount of the joe rogan podcast uh and like i understand some people like have their
qualms with him or whatever but like it started off like i just watched the mma episodes and now
i'm like oh this guy's a like a revolutionary biologist like let's check this shit out
and then like of course it's like
you know there's only two genders
right brother
or whatever you know and then like
there's some plug for like a CBD thing
but
in my
mind because I'm investing so much time
because the fucking episodes are so god damn long my mind is because I'm investing so much time, because the fucking episodes are so goddamn long,
my mind is like,
it's like reading,
but without the words.
Which is like,
not good.
Like,
that's not good for me.
Like,
I,
like I,
my attention span has gotten so bad,
that I don't know,
like,
if I don't have to read,
for school,
and I'm not in school anymore,
then I just like, I used to love to read for leisure.
I can't do it anymore.
I either have to check my fucking phone or I have to like...
I'm like, oh, maybe we'll watch a movie.
I don't even watch the fucking movie.
I watch movies I've already seen.
I don't know, man.
I think I've completely damaged myself with seen. I don't know, man. I think I've, like, completely damaged myself with content.
Yeah, you're just damaged.
You're just a poor soul.
Don't fucking patronize me, dude.
I think it was Sexual Jumanji who was like i love it when the hostilities rise and i was like
it was like a comment that was left on some episode and i was like when do they rise and
i remember that like usually around like the 42 minute mark one of us is like dude shut the fuck
up fuck you like for no reason like for no reason other than like you know there was like like an
insult that was not it doesn't pass like the test
of an insult like we've talked about it before i'll be you'll be like yeah i'm sure you went
to the fucking store dude or you'll, and you're like, what?
And I'm like, dude, I'm going to kill you.
Yeah, I like, I don't know, man.
You know, when you're in the show business, dude, when you're in fucking show business.
Show business, baby.
There's no business like you got to grow your business.
You feel me?
Yeah, you cut out, but i'm guessing i got you i said i said there's no business
like you gotta grow your business that's true we that is very true thomas where'd you learn that
i learned that in culinary school what'd you go to culinary school for i said i go to coal
and it's cool
and an airy the fucking post that you were making where you were like i don't even remember what
you were doing they were all such stretches you were like they were terrible they were
you know what i'm talking about right yes no that it's like there
was sort of like a trend like three years yeah i remember i remember yeah where it was like some of
y'all be doing this when you should be and i'm bringing it back worse did it was giving me like
schizophrenia trying to fucking decipher i was like when the i was trying to make it work in
my head but it wasn't i don't think you meant for it to like at all but i was trying i was like when the i was trying to make it work in my head but it wasn't i don't think you meant for
it too like at all but i was trying i was like no it works but i spend maybe 30 seconds typing
those out i mean it's all off the dome and then it's in and then immediately i get my address
sent to me by like 15 different people within like 30 minutes i'm like mission accomplished
hell yeah buddy Like, mission accomplished. Hell yeah, buddy.
I don't know, like, I had a, people, like, I made my profile pic like me because I don't, like, I don't have anything on my LinkedIn updated.
Like, I don't, no one knows where I work anymore.
So I was like, ah, fuck it. We'll go back to blackface Jimmy Fallon drinking
Montreux to zero in a little bit. I'm going to rock it with
the real thing.
But I've changed it before, and
then I get two types of
replies or
DMs about what
I look like. There's the ironic,
wait, you're telling me you're not actually
Jimmy Fallon? And then there's the earnest wait you're telling me you're not actually jimmy fallon and then
there's the then there's the earn it like you know then there's the earnest wait you're white
and i'm like i don't respond but i'm like yeah you know or sometimes i do and they're like they
unfollow or they like block me and i'm like dude i post my face on here like a lot like you're just
now like do you think i was just posting some pasty white dude?
Like, some other pale, like, fucking shittily blonde.
Like, what are you talking about?
Like, maybe it's, like, new followers, like, after a post does numbers or whatever.
But I'm always blown away by, like, people who are like, oh, sorry, I thought you were black or whatever.
It's happened a handful of times.
Yeah.
How the fuck did you get, like,
do you only look at the posts
and not the millions of images that I posted?
My hands when I posted myself holding a beer or something?
Yeah, it's like that for me when people,
you know, they're like,
oh, man, I didn't know you were, you know,
melted out of a block of Arctic ice, you know, they're like, oh, man, I didn't know you were, you know, melted out of a block of Arctic ice, you know, or whatever.
Just crawl out of it.
Cat man type deal.
Yeah.
You know, I get negativity.
I get hatred.
I get vile messages sent to me.
You know why?
Why?
Because I'm a hero.
That is true.
It's the exact same thing
that happened to Janet Jackson.
It's the same
thing that happened
to Rock Hudson.
And it's the same
thing that happens.
To Michael Jackson.
In Hollywood every day.
Mm-hmm.
There's.
Show business is universal.
It is.
One day.
You're Dame Dash.
Next day.
You're.
You know.
You're Dame Dash.
Mm-hmm.
Right. You know. you know your dame dash right you know
sometimes
you go damn near a full episode
without any
any
any
latency issues
and sometimes well and sometimes latency issues.
And sometimes... Well, and sometimes I'm recording
in a different part of the house.
Right, yeah.
If I'm right next to the Wi-Fi router,
then that's ideal,
but I have to be, like, basically
in the hallway almost.
So, that's why.
Now,
I think I'm just gonna, gonna like move the pc over here and then run an ethernet right and then we should be all good i'm gonna try and get that done this week
i should i should do the fucking same thing i should just get into the ethernet uh
but uh but I don't know, dude.
I'm like, I'm having to figure out how to return my current fucking,
I don't want to fuck myself up because I have to get internet at my new place,
but I don't have the fucking money right now.
But I have to return this modem.
But my old roommate got the modem.
He just fucking left it here.
So I like, don't know what to do with it.
But I know that if I, like, leave my...
Because we're going to have to do...
I don't have internet at that new place set up.
So we're going to have to do the episodes, like, here.
Or if we do anything here.
I guess we won't.
I don't fucking know.
We'll figure it out.
But if we do video shit, we won't need to.
But, yeah, like, I don't have the money to fucking set internet up right now.
So it's just fucking annoying.
But when I do it, I need to just plug into the fucking internet when we do this shit.
I think you can do Audacity offline.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm saying for like if we want to do like a local thing, but we still end up using fucking.
Because there's feedback on these USBs.
Oh.
Oh.
What you doing?
Dude.
It's time for a speed.
What you doing, Thomas?
Okay. Yeah, you lagged. You're to be what you doing Thomas okay yeah you lagged you're back
what you doing
something crazy
Thomas
I'm about to
Jake
may or may not be able to hear me
I'm hoping he can't
so here's what I'm doing right now i'm just talking
i don't i i realize that some of you are paying for some of these and that's okay
that's your choice here's who's here's who's not paying for it me yeah. And I get to say whatever I want.
I saw a mosquito
biting me yesterday.
And I think
it was the kind that gives you West Nile.
So sick, for real.
But it also
could, I don't know if it's like
100%.
I think certain ones are just more likely to give you West Nile or more likely to be carriers.
And I don't think you necessarily get it from being bitten like one time.
I know you can, but I don't think it's necessarily like a hundred percent transmission
rate anyway i think it would be really funny if i died of malaria like this year
or something like that if i get scurvy or like yellow fever that would be a game changer
dude i think it would be a game changer. Dude, I think it would be cool...
I want to get a disease of antiquity.
Like tuberculosis or something.
You know what?
I'm not going to fucking say that.
Tuberculosis is like...
Don't like babies get that?
No, it's like the fucked up
Wild West disease.
Like the fucking...
Oh, you know what? I think sometimes I get that pneumonia.'s like the fucked up wild west disease like the fuck oh you know what i think
sometimes i get that pneumonia like i know what pneumonia is but i interchange them sometimes
right well it happens i would love to get the kind of disease that old cowboys had
this is a early form of syphilis
dude it's like uh
whenever i stumble across somebody that's like
like there's a couple people that I have mutuals with or whatever
that I think are otherwise like reasonable people
that they're like we should all like
live like in
communes and stuff
and I'm like
like I've known some people
like at school that are like
you know they're like anarchists
in that way or they're just like super hippy dippy
they're like we need to return to the woods and shit.
And I'm like, hey.
So up until like 100, about like 140 years ago.
If you got like diarrhea or whatever.
Or if you fucked somebody whose penis or pussy was all fucked up you just kind of like
died like you just died so like how do you expect to live in the woods and they're like oh well you
know we'd still have medicine i'm like do you have a lab out there like are you synthesizing like penicillin or how the fuck penicillin is made are you making
like amoxicillin are you making medication out there and like you press some of these people
on it and they're like i kind of just want to like live out there uh and i want to have like
all the accoutrements of modern living uh but i don't want to have to like go to work and i'm
like dude i feel you i totally respect that and i really like i like that but we don't have to
turn that into like a political ideology do you understand what i'm saying like we don't like if
you just want to go out of the woods and like uh you know fucking fucking the Mile Hirsch yourself, like, Magic Bus style. Like, dude, go for it.
But, like, I like to, I mean, I don't get to go to the doctor
because I don't have health insurance, but, boy, if I did, I would be going.
Like, I like medicine, man.
We should keep medicine.
Yeah, we should only make, like, antibiotics and, like, quaaludes.
Yeah.
Yeah, there should just be, like, like yeah that would be a good alternative you have two medications you have a really really powerful antibiotic that's like
resistant to antibiotic resistant medication it is just the it's just cleans you right the fuck up
and then you have a painkiller slash sedative that cures everything from, like, knee pain to, like, bipolar disorder.
Like, there's just, you know, you have your sick pill and your sad pill or whatever.
Yeah.
Now, eventually, we would probably just shut down the antibiotic plant and make that into a second quaalude plant most for sure no there was no doubt
in my mind that i would have a really good year when i didn't get sick and like a couple of the
other people in the commune would and i'd be like you know like i know it's important to have like whatever. But imagine if we didn't have to ration our sweet,
sweet pills,
our painkillers.
And everyone's like,
ah,
yeah.
And then there's one guy who's like,
well,
we need that for if the old people and the babies get sick.
And you just push that guy off a big fucking mountain and you keep talking,
ah,
you know,
and then we make two factories for the Quaaludes.
And then...
Like the dream.
We make the Quaaludes bigger.
Did that come through just now?
No, I got the tail end of it.
I just heard dream, which made me laugh really hard.
All right.
Well, that's good.
Because I accidentally unplugged my mic and then plugged it back in.
So it's good.
accidentally unplugged my mic and then plugged it back in.
So it's good.
Well, sometimes folks, when you're a professional like me,
sometimes you sort of mess around with your broken mic cord that you somehow cannot replace.
And I might not be speaking into,
this might be coming through my headphones and sound awful
but it's not really my business it's not really my problem you've already made an audacity file
that's like 15 minutes shorter than no i i had to it stopped and i had to start it but it was only
like somewhere like 30 seconds before this.
You're going to have to.
Yeah.
It's not going to quite line up, so that's going to be fun for you.
Yeah, it'll be a blast.
Yeah.
I'll figure it out.
Yeah, but it was only like five to eight seconds of missing,
and I didn't say anything. it was just you rambling so yeah
i figured as much it's always fine yeah oh shit hot blooded hundred degrees hot blooded i like
rice with my beans Come on, baby, will you cook with your pan?
You know that I like to eat with my hand.
We need to start doing parodies that are not explicit at all.
They're just...
And also not funny at all.
Yeah, they're not funny.
They're not even explicit.
It just rhymes, so it works, but it're not even explicit it just rhymes so it works
but it's not
it's just a different song
yeah
I uh
I can't
fuck god damn it
I'm just thinking about like a really fat
guy singing that to his wife
who just has had enough
she's had fucking enough dude
like he's trying to make like a viral video or something and he's like you know
hot-blooded ready to eat and she's like fuck like she did can you make me mac and cheese
uh where is that at 58 26 we're marking that thing folks
if you crash your car because i yelled fuck loud it is not my fault
i should put that no i'm not going to fuck you
um Oh. Hot-blooded roast beef.
Hot-blooded make it with cheese.
Hot-blooded bacon for me.
Hot food.
Ready to eat.
I eat.
Hot pancakes.
Syrup is free.
I'm at Denny's.
Ready to eat.
Hot chili.
Too hot for me.
Hot chili Too hot for me
Hot chili
Too hot for me
Let it cool.
Wait for a breeze.
Why the fuck do people listen to this shit?
Hot chips covered in cheese.
Hot Cheetos
Arizona tea
It's a good snack
With them
On 183
Hot honey
Came from a bee
You know what You know what fucking Palmer you know if i could pump palma uh he was like uh he said something i'm paraphrasing something to the akin of like i told you he was like uh whenever i listen to this show uh my kd
on war zone goes up but my iq goes down and that's kind of the best criticism that i could
and compliment that i could and compliment
that i could hope for from this show where it's like listening to this show
if you hate it like if you turn off the parts that are like what just happened you're probably
going to be a somewhat functioning member of society but if you are like in your car and you
just think hot honey it comes from a bee is the funniest thing you've
ever heard that you need to drive your car into a fucking off a cliff like into a fucking river
some sort of body of water like a gas station like you just need to like hot honey comes from a bee
like if you turn off the podcast when that happens coffee. Good for my teeth.
My dentist doesn't get mad at me.
All right.
Hot cow is making meat.
I'm not hungry cause I got to eat
hot cow
hoops for its feet
you know like I don't know how long this podcast has been around.
This isn't a show.
It's not a show.
I don't...
I don't fucking understand.
Like, whatever.
I'm really grateful that people like the fucking show.
Hot dogs sold in the street.
I'm in New York and I'm ready to eat.
Hot pizza.
A circle for me.
A circle for me.
Cut into slices so
that I can eat
hot
Cheetos
whatever man
hey
if you're listening to this
hot cereal
and it has wheat
if you're listening if you're're listening to this... Hot cereal and it has wheat.
If you're fucking listening to this and you're like, wow, I need to get some more of this
fucking right now, dude.
I need to get more.
Now, what you need to fucking do
is you need to go to
patreon.com slash pendejo time
and you need to give five or fifty dollars don't
give fifty uh just five maybe one dollar uh and then you get a backlog of episodes that goes back
to december of last year the audio if you hate the audio now you'll love how it used to be. It is so good.
obviously there are way more episodes
on Spotify.
Ash Browns!
Way too much grease.
There's episodes
on Patreon.
Cupcakes that I bought for my knees there are episodes uh we're gonna try i know we've some of the fans of the show know we've
been trying to do video stuff me and thomas are gonna hang out again uh we're gonna try
to make video episodes. Beef jerky.
Chew with my teeth.
Anyway, thanks for listening, everybody.
Bye.
Bye.