Pendejo Time - i feel like fuckin somethin'

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

dammit bawby i told you to turn off the damn tick tonk dance videos and go help your mother in the kitchenSupport the Show.

i feel like poking something i can't do i can't get it on that one did i get it was it close yeah hold on hold on damn it bob it boy i feel like poking something okay okay i was in the fucking car dude and i was just like all right all right all right all right like get it out like stop laughing like i i would say that like peg, like I would do the ones I can do like ball, ball, which those are easy. And then I would be like, off the luck book and something like that. Good stuff. And then like, I know it was like, like I probably had that song play like 15 times.

So like on my, my, my, my algorithm, my most recent is just fucked up. Like it's that song now, like, a hundred fucking times. Welcome back, everybody. I was just talking about how I was trying to sing the Doja Cat SZA song. We're in the lab right now. Yeah, we're cooking in the lab. I was getting some coconut water to make my fucking smoothie at the gas station. And this guy walks out.

We've talked about that guy that went to the black.com porn convention before. But this guy was wearing a fleshlight t-shirt that was just covered in stains. Hell yes. Like it looked like food, but you know. You'd not, you know. And I like. You could like one of those shirts where it's like whatever the stain is like he does not care it's not good yeah and i like i had one of those moments where i was

like i'm kind of like retard like i do stupid shit in public all the time but even i have like a level that guy has me beat by fucking a thousand yards. He's already at the finish line. I haven't even started running. Like I do stupid shit. I say stupid shit or whatever. I probably shouldn't say, but to go out in public in a fleshlight shirt,

everybody knows what a fleshlight is pretty much. I think. I don't, I'm not sure what one. I forget. Yeah. You're pure. But I just like, I just kind of marveled at him for a bit i was

like man like you what you probably have so many shirts but most people have several shirts right like you'd think that you wouldn't wear that like you'd think that you wouldn't wear that. Like, you'd think that you'd, like, put a different one on. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being judgmental. You know, I've been in times where, like, you know, everyone has that one shirt that they like. Yeah. Yeah. Mine was.

Well, not that shirt, though. No. I say, like, you have, like, a shirt that shirt, though. No. I say, like, you have, like, a shirt that you maybe wear. You just toss on to go to the gas station or something. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But that shouldn't be that shirt.

Yeah, no, that's a shirt that you, like, only wear, like, in your bathroom. You don't even wear that to your, like, bedroom. No. Yeah, that's good. You wear it to clean the house. You know what I'm saying? That's a shirt you get. You don't paint the outside of the house.

You paint the inside of the house. You know what I'm saying? That's an inside of the house chore shirt. But I have to think that he got it in like a package deal. You know, like he got the Fleshlight and then... Maybe he had a sponsorship, you know? Dude, how much do you got to be fucking... To get a sponsorship? One of them things, yeah.

You can just have a Twitter account. Oh, that's true. I wonder if he's like... I bet you I could get one. I know a guy who has one. I probably... Dude, we should try to get a Fleshlight sponsorship. Dude, the thing is, like, I don't want to have one in my house.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I would have to throw it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also don't want that mailed to my address. No, no, no, no, no. Here's a Thomas challenge for the week. Find Jake's address. Don't do that.

Yeah, no, please. Don't do that. Please don't mail me your used flashlight um yeah he you would hate that i would i just wouldn't like that at all uh yeah i bet you wouldn't you wouldn't like that no i wouldn't like stuff like you'd think that was gross yeah i think it was yucky that's because you're a little boy dude yeah i'm not a man grow up and get in the real world people like that stuff. People you wouldn't even expect. People buy those used for way more. Yeah.

Do they? Some people, probably. Some people you don't even know about, I bet. You know that you can buy, like, so this is the thing that got me about those. They're already kind of fundamentally strange. Whatever. Jack off tool. You can buy ones that have been molded to like different women's pussies.

Yeah. You can buy like whatever porn star you like crank your shit off to the most. Likely she has like. And I thought like I was like, maybe it's just their brand. Like, they made the color different. No. They make, like, an injection mold of their fucking, like, cooter. That has to, like, be so uncomfortable.

I know. I'm just thinking about the mold that you have to get, like, to get braces. Yeah, like a foam mold, like a hardened... That's bad enough. Yeah. Like a hardened... Imagine it's all up in your... I guess I'll use a medical term. All up in your goodie bag.

Yeah. I don't... Like, imagine the type of guy who pulls his debit card out and hits click. It's like, bye now. I'm going to get one made. I'm going to get a mold of my urethra made. So all the guys who want to try sounding or whatever can, you know, I don't know. I'm not sure what all you could fit down there.

Maybe some jelly beans. I'm not saying I could. I'm saying if it was a rubber thing, you know. Is it gay to get a mold of your own ass and then fuck that? Did you see how Charlemagne got... Did you ever see that video? No, I don't know. He had a mold of his ass and, like, the back of his nuts.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I had... Yes. He was like, ha, gotcha. I know exactly what you're talking about. Dude, my... What a guy. My favorite fucking, I don't really like him as an interviewer,

but my favorite moment of his is when DJ Khaled was on there. He's all chopped the fuck up on whatever. He's crossed, he's fucked up, and he's like just flexing, but he's DJ Khaled, so whatever. And he's like, and I got, I got a jerly, and it ain't even about the jerly. And Charlamagne looks at him all stoned, and he's like and i got i got a jerly and it ain't even about the jerly and charlamagne looks at him all stoned and he's like it's jewelry jewelry and he's like i know the jerly like he kept saying it in like 55 different ways like i dj do you remember when he was posting like a lot and he got lost at sea on a jet ski?

Yeah, with the raccoons and the island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a running theory there that he was posting from a mental, like a really fancy mental institution, like the ones that celebrities go to. Because every day they had a full spread, and it looked like people were in the house. And I was like, is this— That's just how those guys live though i know but it was like funnier for me to imagine that he had snapped and they put him in one of those like

malibu like rehabs where like you get to ride jet skis and play with all it's like where rich actors i want to be dj collins therapist so bad oh my god that shit would rock when he went on the the hot ones uh that shit was funny too the spicy wing show with that sean guy um he thought there was a conspiracy at play because he had the first wing and couldn't finish it's it was like valentina he was like oh no no no no no he was like you're fucking with me you're fucking these are you got them reversed we got them switched and the guy's like what he's like that's valentina it's like it's like on it's like on normal hot wings and he's like no you're fucking these are you got them reversed we got them switched and the guy's like what he's like that's valentina it's like it's like on it's like on normal hot wings and he's like no you're fucking with dj collard right now give me yours and he's like that's the same sauce he's like no

i don't believe that i believe that you got no sauce on yours and you're trying to make dj collard look bad or something like that and so he's like yeah i guess you I guess you could have my wings. This is like in the interview. And he like tries one of the wings and they're even hotter because he grabbed one of the hot ones, like the really hot ones. And he was like just flipping the foot. Like he is the most mysterious character. One of the most like one of those guys that probably should not have been famous. Like he's out of his fucking mind.

Yeah. He's also like an incredible like talent finder yeah he's like a good a and r man i think he discovered like rick ross and like ace hood yeah like a bunch of guys i say that like rick ross and ace hood are like equally dude rick yeah i was gonna say rick ross had a he's had us i mean he's completely full of shit but a lot of the guys are in that industry you know no i mean Ace Hood does not have the legacy that Rick Ross does. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I see what you're saying.

Ace Hood, have you seen him? He's just super swole and has a family. Oh, okay. He didn't really fall off or anything. He just kind of... I think he still makes music, just doesn't have a crazy following. They had that... I don't know what they expected to happen, but they had that boxing match between Blueface and that TikTok frat star guy.

It's not like Blueface can box, but he's 6'4 and a crip. And he's fighting a guy who was like a K like a date, like a Kappa, whatever, like a frat guy. That's like big on YouTube or whatever. And I, and they were like, you know, they're squaring up of each other. Are they like similar sizes? No, dude. Blue face has like, I think they're the same weight, but blue face is like six, three,

one 55, you know, like one of those guys. face is like six three one fifty five you know like one of those guys uh and it was like i was like why did you like why these two guys like put him against another rapper or something you know like why i mean it was very funny to watch i mean he whooped the dog shit out of that kid but it was like these guys never would have fist fought or even met outside of being celebrities, if that makes sense. I'm thinking about Khaled and the people he's worked with, and it made me think this TikTok star who makes that moment when you shoot the cut and you get redemption, right? That one guy at the frat who's always wearing a weird hat that that one guy who uh went to jail because his girlfriend disappeared man everybody's got one of those guys everybody knows that guy everybody everybody knows a guy who keeps crashing his dad's mercedes

that guy meets i'm going to the store to buy the way he raps is so his voice like i love him he's also like so dumb i think yeah oh no he's he's gotten robbed by his like girlfriends like so many times that he's held his flex like he has i remember i saw this article it was like blue face shows off his two girlfriends living in his house and like the next week the next article was like blue face robbed by both girlfriends over two hundred thousand dollars in jewelry stolen yeah he seems like one of those guys that would get set up by the pussy game like oh come over and chill and then there's like like impossible to rob if you're like just a regular guy yeah if you're just a girl who's like kind of hot yeah like has lip fillers he's like baby girl baby girl hold this chain yeah you want to hold this quarter million dollar chain while i go take a shit you can hold this key

just make sure you don't leave the house or nothing. Dude, I clean my blender out, and I don't think I did too good of a job because I was making my protein smoothie for the day. Do you not usually clean your blender? No, I do all the time, but I don't think I got all the soap out. Oh, okay. I was like, it's not like a cast iron. No, no, no, no. I clean it.

Yeah, it's been about two years. Adds a little bit of kick, you know? Yeah. No, I was like, it's it's been about two years. Adds a little bit of kick, you know? Yeah. No, I was like, it's like coconut water and all my shit. And I like, but I had just like cleaned it up, but I thought I got all the soap. Like, you know, I wiped it down like the bubbles, but maybe I didn't get like the blades or whatever, because I was like drinking it. And I was like, this tastes like, what the fuck is this? Like, is it the coconut water?

No, I like coconut water and like i went into the like the bottom of the blender it's just like bubbles like the underside of it and i was like i'm drinking soap but i already made the fucking i don't like to waste shit i'm like really like i'm a huge slob but i like anti-wasting food like i'll eat myself sick and i could get together if there's food left over. No one wants to eat. So like, I like just drank the whole thing.

So I'm waiting to shit myself cause I drank dish soap, but, uh, it hasn't happened yet, but we're only 13 minutes in. So time will tell. I was, I was nervous this morning cause I got this,

uh, been trying different, like, you know, they have at the gas station, like, special drinks. They're just like, oh, this is a hydration drink. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's a drink. But also, you know, I'll spend $3 on this. For sure, for sure.

And it was like this aloe vera thing. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know what this is for, but I'll drink it. And I was like halfway through the bottle and I looked up, like, aloe ver aloe vera and it was like yeah it's like a natural laxative um i was like ah well let's go here we go dude i uh i was drinking those body armors like a motherfucker dude dude those are pretty good they're good but like all the like and then i drink this thing called electrolyte It's like an electrolyte. Yeah.

Yeah. I was drinking the fuck out of them and I was like, damn, these motherfuckers are good. And then I looked on the back of the, I stopped drinking the Electrolits for the same reason, but I didn't think about it with the Body Armors because it's called Body Armor. I looked on the back, it's like 38 grams of sugar. Oh, yeah. They do have a low calorie one that's just as good. I usually make like fruit smoothies. Yeah, the low calorieorie one that's just as good. I usually make, like, fruit smoothies.

Yeah, the low-calorie ones, the coconut one's good. Yeah, the coconut one goes, but I like— Strawberry lemonade's kind of gross. Dude, it tastes too, like, aspartame-y, like chemical, you know? Like the flavor of, like, bang or rain. I think it's stevia they use. Yeah, I think you're right. I can still taste—

But stevia has, like like its own taste yeah yeah i like that whenever it says like sucralose or whatever i'm like that's chill because i can't really taste that yeah i kind of aspartame is kind of an acquired taste for me it's like an ipa dude there was like a time when i was drinking diet dr pet because i could not i was i quit drinking soda but dude i like i will i used as a kid i would i i was so fucking fat i would drink like eight or nine dr peppers a day and i when i was like eight my mom was never home my dad wasn't around so like i just thought it was like drinking water like i didn't really have anybody to tell me like my like my mom would come home and be like where are the

dr peppers gone i'd be like oh i drank like eight of them and she's like don't do that it don't make you sick and i'm like but she didn't go into much detail you know like don't but like when you're a kid hey don't do that it'll make you sick don't play in the ditch it'll make you sick don't play in the flood water to make you're gonna do it you don't it's fun so like i was like oh i'm gonna get a tummy i already have one whatever so like i would just drink like half a two liter and i just thought it was like oh water is something you drink dr pepper is something you drink but it tastes way better than water i was gonna do that and then i had like bitch tits by the time i was like nine or ten years old and like i was like you know and i didn't put two and two together till i was older i was like like, yeah, I was probably like consuming, not kidding, like 450 grams of sugar like every two days.

Like every three days. Well, it's good for you. Yeah, no, 100%. It helps condition your kidneys and everything. Yeah. To where when you become a man and you want to drink, you know, seltzer. Then you're all set. Yeah, I've been, yeah.

I've been steady drinking those and trying to avoid booze. And I feel like that's such a, like an old, like an old stepdad who cleaned up and is like a nice guy now, but was not a very nice guy like three years ago type move. Where you're just drinking like 22 topo chico's a day with lime you're like yeah you know i used to be a hard partier but you know everybody's got to grow up but just sweat like white knuckling a fucking yeah just white i love doing that at the age of 21 years old and everyone's like how long did you even get a chance to party you know i'm like four years about a year and a half two years but i was a bad son of a bitch back then you better believe i was a bad son of a bitch 18 months ago boy yeah you should have seen me a couple months ago i was a whole different man now i got a kid on the way. Yeah.

This morning, I've been trying to do the early morning workout shit. It fucking sucks. Man, I don't want to say i don't know hispanic woman and uh dude the voice that we do she was calling out punches for me to hit that's how she talked and dude it was like six in the fucking morning she's like yap cross hook rear kick head kick to the body push kick and i'm like i'm like i'm like the corners of my mouth are in the trenches fighting dude i'm like do not you are not on the show this is not cool dude you are being a piece like in the confines in the context of the show

when you just are letting it rip like whatever but you're like at a gym you pay money this is a nice this is a human being across from you and they're helping you and you're helping them you're working out it's early like but just my whole head was like okay one two three i couldn't fucking do it i was in the car and i was like are we taking it too far with it like like dude getting like put in a sleeper hold by that woman would be such like a – imagine you do like ayahuasca the night before and then you like meet that woman and then like – and then you get like knocked out or whatever. And you just wake up a completely different man.

Yeah. She's like tapping you. She's like, mijo. Hello. Hello. I'm sorry I hit you so hard i didn't mean it you okay now but yeah like dude i was like you know the jays were wise which that is not a feature of what we were doing but boy was it fucking me up like i i know that that's how that's how my girlfriend's

mom talks sometimes yeah yeah yeah gross yeah gross hook yeah gross body kick and i'm like dude why are you are you a bad person no you're not so what the be an adult right now like be an adult right you can want to be a fucking retard your podcast tonight you could just tell the story like you're like i am right now but like i just can't sometimes like i thought like i physically like i held it off and i was like you know but when i would like turn to breathe or like i would like adjust my glove or whatever i'd be like just just a little one they'd let it out just like i couldn't i i i felt so fucking bad but i was like had we not done that for 30 minutes like a month ago i wouldn't have even thought fucking twice about it.

But there'll be times when I'm in traffic or like just hanging out or whatever by myself, like looking for something to watch. And I'll be like, Hulu doesn't have shit on it. I got to go to HBO now. And I'm like, why the fuck did you just do that? Like, why? I watch The Sopranos. I've been watching The Wire. It's very good show, but I cry.

Like, I'm like. Food Detective. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, why? There's no reason. I love you, Roscoe. I love you. I've been watching Friends.

I know a lot of Yellow King. Yeah. He bad. He bad, bad. There's Yellow King. I know that he's so scary. Woody Harrelson, please be nice to your wife. Woody, please stop cheating on your wife.

She go bye now. She got a divorce, so she's bitch. I never watch second season. I never watch. Half the first season. I watched three episodes. That's all. And I say, okay, we go bye all. And that's it.

Okay. Goodbye now. Yeah. I like. I go watch King of Hill. I go watch. King of the Hill. Yeah.

I just. I was like. I go watch the King of the Hill. I just couldn't. Like. I just need. I was like. All right, man.

Like. This isn't. We're done. Like. No more. It's in the back of your head. And you're like. All right. I'm need, I was like, all right, man, like, this isn't, we're done, like, no more. It's in the back of your head, and you're like, all right, I'm not even thinking this. And then, like, the round starts, and you just, like, you just kill her in one punch. Yeah, I just, like. That's right. That's right.

Because I was holding. You're not real. Yeah. I'm holding the laughter in so fucking hard that I just, boom! Like, it just decked the fuck out of it. That was at 22 minutes and 4 seconds. If you're going to listen to this in your car, I hope you don't crash. That spiked the noise. That was at 22 minutes?

Yeah. Well, isn't that disappointing, man? I didn't know we were that far along. Oh, yeah? You know, it's funny. I look forward to these, and i enjoy them as we're doing them but just the fact that we take roughly the same amount of time each one i'm like all right halfway through my shift yeah i don't i think it's just like

my like when i used to work doubles uh at the restaurant or the bar, which is about 12, sometimes 10 to 12 hours, or working at the plastics plant, any long shift job where I'm not in an office. I would think to myself, okay, if I watched Goodfellas six times, then I'm at home. That's how I would think about stuff. It's two and a half hours. then I'm at home. Like, that's how I would think about stuff. Like, it's two and a half hours.

You know, but when we're doing this, I'm like, all right, that is two episodes of It's Always Sunny and a couple, okay, goodbyes. And then... Okay, goodbye now. We're good to go. Ladies and gentlemen. We are doing the show no ever the the uh some sponsors like the the podcorn thing that we were like looking at

i was like going through the sponsors and i i realized that like other podcasts on there you know they will pay you if you have a bigger audience, obviously, to plug their show. And some of them are like, oh, dude, I wanted to get with you before, but whatever, we're doing it now. Some of them are like Call Her Daddy ripoffs. Like, they're just like. Oh, that rocks. Two white girls who went to Arizona State and they suck dick. We should have them on and then just talk about football the whole time.

Not let them talk or acknowledge them. They would probably like that, I imagine. Never mind, then. I don't really... This is sort of like my free time. I'm not looking to have to talk to... No, yeah. I don't want to have to talk to. No, yeah. I don't want to talk to a girl.

I'm trying to imagine like. Don't make me do it. Working at a business. Don't want to do it. You're working at a business deal with one of them and you're like, all right, so, you know, 3,000 or so plays a month, downloads a month. That's going to be like $75 per 1,000 downloads. So you would just invoice you

and you pay us. What's the podcast called? Oh, it's called Penis Pussy Party. I don't think it would be called that. That would be, we should name our show that. What's the name of our show?

That would be crass. That would be unprofessional. We show that. What's the name of our show? That would be crass. That would be unprofessional. We're a business. You know that? Yeah, yeah. We're Boss Hog Entertainment Incorporated. That's right, yeah. Don't forget it.

Dude, we could have done so much better with that insofar as we thought it was so funny to have four words we could have we if we thought about it for 15 more seconds we could have made that like a thousand characters long yeah but then we would have to like type that out yeah i just yeah it would be it's it's embarrassing now yeah yeah imagine if it was like boss hogger thomas and jakes really awesome super's really awesome, super cool, really awesome company. And like we got audited. Some fucking like, you know, middling like accountants like Plaintiff, Thomas and Jake's super cool, Boss Hog Entertainment Enterprises Incorporated Limited Li liability company, penis pussy party show, podcast, fun. Okay, goodbye now.

Texas, one star state, lone star party. I think they have a limit. I think they would just reject that. Yeah, probably. Your Honor, the defendant claims that the... You know, I need to learn some more court words. Yeah, just defend it.

The defendant and the prosecution are both in the Court of Justice and it's the lawyers. Court adjourned. The guys on the benches. Recess. Order. Order. Order. Order.

Order in my ass order in the order in the court more like uh ordering a fork so i can get some damn dinner for like to eat supper guys disorder in my nobody reminds me to eat because they all want me to die i had three crispitos from the gas station and i took one bite out of the first one i used to be able to handle these things yeah i used to just get the taquito rollers there's this place called big pantry in weatherford that's like they like have like a kitchen back there where like if any health inspector even like took a look back there it would probably get shut down curtains yeah they aren't going to so but they make like really good crespitos um anyway i used to just like get just just stoned out of my gourd and eat like nine of them and

then just forget and wake up the next morning like thinking i was having a stroke but i had i had like two bites and i had heartburn like as i was chewing i like had heartburn i was like this isn't i can't do it like i used to i have like a just like a baptist stomach now yeah dude i know like when i was i think yeah this is like early college maybe like freshman year i took a 20 bill this was at the time like right before they jacked the prices up but do you remember when you used to be able to get two tacos from jack in the box for 99 cents yeah yeah so we fucking smoked and drank it was like a post-party type fast food swinger through and uh the whole time i was joking i was like hey i got 20 dollars wouldn't it be funny if i got uh 40 jack-in-the-box tacos

and everybody was like yeah that you know like laughing like you would never man that would make you so like blah blah blah just laugh shit that's only funny when you're cross-faded anyway i did that and i ate all of them i ate you ate 40 tacos i ate 40 jack-in-the-box tacos over the course of like an hour and a half two hours and okay but still that's like that's like 12 i mean they're small tacos but they're not that small and they're greasy it's like they're not that small. And they're greasy. It's like 12,000, 13,000 calories probably. Easy. Somewhere around there. Maybe a little less. Maybe eight or nine.

But in the moment, like, what I was doing was I would, like, eat five or six. And then I would, like, chill, smoke, take a shot. We were, like, having an after party, playing Smash Bros. And then I would pop them in the oven, eat five or six, get more fucked up. after playing Smash Bros. And then I would pop them in the oven, eat five or six, get more fucked up.

And then over the course of like two hours, hour and a half, two hours, I guess, I went back for more tacos and realized the bag was empty. And I was like, hey, did you guys eat some of these? I'm cool if you did. Like, whatever. And they were like,

no, we were going to, but it seems like you ate all of them. And I was like, oh, haha. Like to, but it seems like you ate all of them. And I was like, oh, haha. Like I didn't care then. I was fucked up. I felt good. I just ate 10,000 calories worth of grease. And I was really full.

Dude, I passed out on the couch. I started feeling better before I went to sleep. I woke up and I felt like I had like fluid in my like like I felt like I had been poisoned which I guess in theory that I guess like I had I was fucking dog shit sick the entire next day so like I vowed myself like like because when I get fucked up I will eat until I'm sick like I don't have an off switch well no not anymore but when i was younger i just would eat and eat and eat and eat i just never had an off switch like food and booze and drugs were the same thing to me in terms of just like not having it you know so i would yeah i would just power through like dude this happened the other day this is like don't like one of the

few times this happened since i've been like an adult man in my 20s i was at my girlfriend's place and uh her friend uh and his boyfriend made uh chicken and dumplings like a fucking family size pot of it dude for all of us chicken and dumplings i think i had like eight or nine bowls big bowls dude and ashley comes by and she's like and i'm on the couch and i'm like dude and Ashley comes by and she's like and I'm on the couch and I'm like I'm like you know I'm just like just ripping ass and just like like I'm disgusting dude and she was like babe are you do you like she gets you know obviously she knows like I have IBS or whatever my stomach's fucked up she was like did the did the chicken dumplings fuck you up and I was like yeah kind of but it's mostly my fault and she's like why and I was like did the did the chicken dumplings fuck you up and i was like yeah kind of but it's mostly my fault and she's like why and i was like uh i ate like eight bowls of it like eight just eight though and she was like eight and i was she was like was the boat like and it was like a big

black like a fucking food like a food like a bowl you'd fucking mix shit in dude like fucking a big fucking bowl and she was like babe there's like other people here and i was like dude i know i just i when i i smoked weed and like i had a panic attack and i was like i need to go to sleep like right now so i just ate until like my body started to shut down like my metabolism slowed to a crawl my heartbeat is like 20 beats per minute i'm like i just need to sleep i just needed to like i can't because i tried to smoke and like be normal but i'm that never it never works i don't think i've ever like heard from you after smoking and you're like man it went well

yeah i just had a chill time it's always like yeah i i walked by as someone was smoking some Delta 8 and then I woke up in the Necromancer's lair and yeah had to answer his riddles to get out but other than that it was a good weekend there was one time at college I had

I smoked all day and drank and I was cross faded and I ate a bunch of edibles I was the highest man in America, dude. I couldn't see straight. My girlfriend at the time was at the party and I convinced myself that she was pregnant even though she had just gotten back into town

and she's on the pill like we were like whatever like there's just there was no way you guys didn't kiss or anything did you? no no of course not cause I would probably kill myself and I was like I just know you're fucking pregnant dude

I need to get my life together cause we have like a family to raise and she was like Jake what the fuck are you talking about? She was like, did you smoke? And I was like, yeah, like a whole bunch. And I got to be a dad soon. So I need to like sober up.

She was like, dude, you need to like never smoke weed. You're the most annoying motherfucker. Like that's only like that's one of the few like I've convinced that they I've convinced myself that, like, half the people in the room are feds. Like, I have full-blown, like, psychosis when I see them. I think the closest I've gotten to that is one time I woke up pretty high. This was, like, in high school. I woke up at this, it was a party, but it was just at my friend's house. Yeah.

And it was just our friends. Like, it wasn't, like, a party party. I mean, like, there was no need to be, like, that present. So I slept on the couch for a little bit, like, leaned back, woke up. Everybody's watching Cool Runnings. Okay. And I was, like, cross-faded, and I was like, man, this is beautiful. Because I just kept looking at the colors.

Yeah. It's really bright, like, it, this is beautiful. Because I just kept looking at the colors. It's really bright. It's a colorful movie. And then for like two weeks, I watched the last 30 minutes of it, right? And then for the next couple weeks in my head, I was like, I think Cool Runnings is my favorite movie. That's the closest to psychosis I've gotten from weed, I think. I remember I went to this party one time in lakeway it's like a really rich part of like austin adjacent area that's on the water and it was some fucking kid whose parents were out he's stupid and posted the address on craigslist we all went

but anyway the house was on a golf course um kind of like the highland park area you know where they have these like 20 30 million dollar homes backed up on like uh sort of like my Highland Park area, you know, where they have these like $20, $30 million homes backed up on like... Sort of like my place? Yeah, sort of like your place. I mean, your place is nicer. Yeah, I mean, I hate to let it slip on the pod, but like I make like $100 million a year. Yeah, yeah.

Off flipping houses and... Cryptocurrency. And buying like liens off houses doing tax yeah tax basically like doing my own redlining um and it's like it's a hustle you know and sometimes i'll like you know i'll i'll steal somebody's house and then i'll like show them tiktok so i'm like here's how you can do it though and so in a way you know i'm like spreading knowledge yeah yeah i'm like spitting the word it's a lot like um like how hip-hop started right you know you had dj cool herk you had grandmaster flash you had all those guys spreading the knowledge and stealing from you know j, James Brown, basically. Yeah. Little Richard.

Yeah. I love those TikTok get rich guys because they're like, they do. Yes. And I want to have sex with them. They do the 2013, 2012 YouTube, like, looking to get, like, come in. Hey, looking to make $ fourteen thousand dollars in two weeks check my savings it's real here's how you do it smash cut you're going to want to go on poor people's property tax liens.gov.edu in your county you're going to want to buy up delinquent taxes for people who think about killing themselves every single day and their whole

families you're going to want to buy their debt out, which, by the way, you're going to need a setup cost of about $25,000 because home debt and tax debt is expensive. And then when they come back to their house, you've locked the door because you own the house now. And the only way they can get back in, they have 90 days to pay you back $23,000. And if they don't, now you've got a $125,000 house that you can flip and sell. And no, it's not evil to do it because the bank would do it if I didn't.

And it's like that mentality, I've seen that excuse used before. That mentality rocks to me because banks are like, if I didn't do it, the bank would do it. Banks are pieces of shit. Like a bank's entire... Hey, one of my friends works at a credit union. You're going to say something like that on the podcast? Yeah, dude. I hope he fucking makes $10 an hour and has a good life.

Probably makes like $12, $14. I don't know. That's awesome. Earlier today, I convinced myself that all of my hair was falling out at once because I put it in a ponytail right out of the shower. And so like it automatically pulls your hairline way further back. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm going bald right now. I'm going, I, all of my hair is falling out. All my hair is going to fall out. I'm going to be bald like tomorrow.

And I'm going to be, I was like, should i shave my head like right now yeah and then i like just let my hair dry like i let it down everything and you know just let it dry and i put it back up and i was like oh no same same position as yesterday yeah all right i will i have facetimed ashley at like midnight drunk before like babe i'm going bald like i just need to shave my head and she's like what are you talking about and i'm like dude i'm going heroin dysmorphia is real it is it is and and i don't mean to cross any lines here it's probably worse than having an eating disorder a hundred percent a hundred. Because you can't really reverse your hairline without hair plugs.

You know? Yeah, it's an expensive, nasty process. If it doesn't work permanently for LeBron James, I don't trust it. Yeah, LeBron James has more money than God. Ten times over. Yeah, he spent probably like a quarter million dollars on hair. You know what's weird? Which is funny because it's like, why does it matter?

He's a guy who would look good bald. Yeah. Or just like so close shaven that you can't tell, you know? Yeah. Like a half. Yeah. Dude, it...

And who's gonna... Are you gonna... Whose opinion matters to LeBron James? Yeah, like... Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah. Hey, you bald bitch. He has like half a billion dollars in his checking account. Yeah, I'm really trying to impress, I don't know, Bradley Beal right now.

Who was the basketball guy that, I think it was J.R. Smith, that he like destroyed his septic tank in his mansion because he was flushing like 40 condoms a day down – just down the toilet. He was like, this is where this goes. I think it was J.R. Smith. And it was like he like told the story to somebody and then they like told it to a sports writer and they like wrote about it. But like he apparently, you know know was just like he's jr smith this is the guy who dm'd that girl are you trying to get the pipe or not like this guy's a he's a dog like he's probably he's he was fucking and sucking insane amounts and probably still is

um but they were like telling the story that he was like oh yeah this goes in the toilet he would just flush like 20 30 however many condoms down the toilet a day and then like one day there was like shit in condom water like coming out of the toilet and he's like well that can't be good so he calls like a septic you know team and they like dig a septic tank up and it's just like a thousand like it's like more condoms than poop and piss like it's just just like just a whole fuck and i was like dude how do you have because those guys work out like four hours a day like elite like anybody bench guys you're playing in the nba nfl it doesn't matter if you're riding the bench you're working out all the fucking time. You're eating all the

fucking time. How do you find the time to fuck that much? I mean, I guess if you're like a big time sports celebrity like J.R. Smith, you probably find the fucking time. Couldn't have been 40 a day unless there were like other dudes at his house like they were having big gigs. I don't know if it was exactly. I'm just like saying an insane number because

I don't remember exactly what the insane number was. What would be crazy to me is any number when you have that much money. Yeah. Why bother? Yeah, I feel you. Do you need all your money that bad? Well, I mean— Blake Griffin pays like 80 grand a month in child support he like doesn't

care that is yeah that's that's that's true what's 80 grand a month when you yeah when you just it's still a lot of money i'm saying like what is 80 grand like drake does he even like i think he pays that lady that porn star lady like money for that kid she's more than that she's a she's a wife and she's a mother are they married no but that doesn't mean she's not a wife i think it's in the future you know ever since it kind of became common knowledge that drake is probably like r kelly light a little bit like a mild you know like – Like R. Kelly if he was kind of a pussy. Yeah, like he's not committing. Like he doesn't have a sex dungeon.

He's just like – Yeah. Yeah. Like I can't – like he's still Drake, right? Like he probably still has zero problems, you know, like getting pussy. But I'm like – I hope he does. I hope he doesn't do that stuff yeah with

girls and women i hope he doesn't have sex why not i wouldn't be a fan anymore oh okay are you that's another drink i grew up with Speaking of Drake, Drake and Josh. Didn't he do pedophile stuff? Yeah, it turns out he's a pedophile, which... You know, I don't even want to be friends with the guy anymore. Yeah, don't you guys live together? Yeah, we did.

But I don't like peer pressuring people. Right. Okay. And, you know, it's like if we're not close, it's not my place to say something. Right, right, right. You know, it's like I've had weird roommates before, weir than him you know i've just never said anything to anyone i wonder if like you know with all the mounting evidence against like putting kids in movies and in hollywood in general like they're still gonna do it you know like whatever but man it is an overwhelming number of l's for like the child star community like it's more common that they're either fucked up or they're pedophile like maybe they're not

pedophiles but they're like mentally fucked or they're mentally fucked and they're pet like jesus christ man like get the kids out of the no more i think it's funny that he so before all this shit happened he like got in trouble for supposedly like ko-ing his girlfriend or like beating the dog shit out of his old lady or something uh and then he just moved to mexico changed his name to drake campagna and started making like like reggaeton and cumbia and shit which that imagine like imagine like uh you know we wouldn't even have to change our names if one of us got into some bullshit we just both needed to move to mexico we could just keep the show with the same name well if it was under those circumstances we probably wouldn't be friends anymore.

Yeah. You're like, Thomas, we're going to move to Mexico. I'm like, sick, dude. Why? And you're like, don't worry about it. Don't – no, get off. Don't – I need your phone. Give me your phone.

Do not go on Ashley's Twitter. Do not go on Ashley's – She has a video of me in, like, my and like my head gear and my boxing and i just like kicking her in the fucking head and i'm like do not watch this video and i'm like thomas it's not look i got a place in cancun we don't got to change the name we can make more money down there i it's i'm like well you should have just told me it was Cancun specifically in the first place. I'm in. Look, I don't care what happened. I don't give a fuck.

I'm down here. Two sides to every story. And this side of the story is headed to Cancun. White sand beaches. White sand beaches and fucking little umbrellas. You know what they say, what happens inxas moves it would be very funny if i did i described the domestic dispute as me wearing all my muay thai gear but now i'm thinking about a guy who like does get canceled for beating the dog shit out of his girlfriend or whatever

but the video is him like he puts all that on to do it he's in like muay thai he looks like a street fighter yeah he's got the tie shorts on they go up to the waist and they're really short he's got the fucking armband and the little headgear and he just kept like not even like beating but just putting in his submission holds and then like letting letting her tap or whatever yeah yeah all right you're good i won though just doing like front like like front kick kicks to the body like teep kick like that he's not throwing punches at all just like push kicks to the chair boom you watch and it's like a very equal match like she's throwing like expert leg kicks oh yeah yeah she's checking she keeps like shooting and like getting in the corner and like wow this is really impressive dude i would that's why like

i don't know like uh how do you have like if you're like i'm thinking about rosenama junis who's the the flyweight champion in the ufc she's fucking dope um her husband is pat berry who was like a heavyweight um or was a heavyweight. Never was champion, but close title contender back in the old days of UFC. There's also, he met her when she was 15 or 16 and he was like 30. So it's just kind of one of them things. But anyway.

Yeah, it's not like I can go beat him up. No, no, no, no, no. That's one thing. That's one career where it's like, I don't know what we're going to do about this. Yeah, you're not going to see that guy in the bar. I'm not going to go fight like Greg Hardy or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, hey, keep your hand off that lady. And like George St. Pierre turns around and you're like. He just says no. And you're like, all right. Respect, man. Hey. Well, hey, I love what you're doing. Wait, no, I don't.

I don't agree. Big fan. No, I'm not. Hey, I love what you're doing. Wait, no, I don't. I don't agree. Big fan. No, I'm not. Hey, I love your work. I love your work when you're at work. You know what I'm saying? I don't like it now. That's impressive to me because most people hate their jobs, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, speaking of jobs, did you hear Steve Jobs? Steve Jobless? They're bringing him back. How are they doing that?

How are they doing that, man? They're bringing him back next year. That would be really – That's a big Tim Pool – not Tim Pool. He's not the CEO. tim tim smith tim book tim cook i think tim i think it was him i think yeah my buddy tim was telling me he runs apple um that would be honestly really cool if there was like the next iphone was just like uh uh like just a steve jobs like fleshlight that would tell you google stuff and like text your mom for you yeah but you had to be fucking it to use it it worked off like friction power it would like manipulate you

after after the first time manipulate you emotionally yeah yeah did you did you ever hear the story about like with his ex-wife um so like uh his ex-wife was like showing him this house that keep in mind he had he was not helping out to buy this house even though he was like okay probably worth like 500 million dollars this okay this house that she was buying for their daughter to live in this was his ex-wife um and she was gonna live there too just like hey you know we're moving here pretty cool check it out and he liked the place he's like nice and And so he went and bought it cash right after seeing it. So they couldn't live there. That's awesome, man.

It wasn't even like a house he wanted. He just was like flexing on her. He was just like, fuck you. And our daughter for some reason. Dude, I don't... There's evidence to show that like abject poverty causes like like like observable damage to like your prefrontal like prefrontal cortex your emotion processing whatever that has to be the case for like the 2 000 or so guys in the world who have like

billions of dollars. 2,000? There's like 2,000 billionaires worldwide. Really? Yeah, yeah. I thought there were like 200. No, I think it's 2,000. Like right at 2,000, I think.

Maybe 200,000. I think it's about 25 million billionaires. And then like 4 billion millionaires. Everyone else makes probably like 8080,000 a year. It's not going to happen, but can you imagine making a million dollars off this show, dude? Getting to like – I can't. I don't think either of us, even like with Meteoric's success, is going to live that long. Like even if we were like on track to hit it like next year

probably not not that we're both gonna die within a year but if we started making like 25 hundred thousand dollars a month yeah i'm i'm buying like a formula one race car yeah and accidentally driving it into the Brad's River within like two weeks easy dude I would like it's weird that I like I've never asked this question but I should but I guess I know the answer in my own head it's like oh I don't want it I don't need it but like

I want to ask like Felix or Ben or Tim like hey man so like you guys have been at this for a number of years, right? And you've been making one for a number of years. Why have you not just as a joke, as a gag, three months of your cut bought a Huracan? Like, just because I would do something like that.

I know what you're saying. Like, if we were making like $90,000, $100,000 a month and like, just take three months of your cut. Like, just winter, summer. Like, not a big deal. You know? And then buy like a Murcielago. Like, I would do, in a heartbeat, I would buy like Murdered the Fuck Out just because it would be in a heartbeat i would buy like murdered the fuck out just because it would be funny i mean the answer is because they're like decent with money yeah yeah no that's true i and like smart enough to be successful in the first place yeah like and

keep being successful um but also you know what if you just just had like a Gundam built or something, you know, and you just. That would also be cool. Or what if I got, you know, you know what I'm saying? I could get like, I would get my legs removed and then get like really good prosthetic ones so my knees would never hurt, even though my knees aren't that bad. I just want to squat like. just get ahead of the curve i'd also get like a robot spine and then just squat like 8 000 pounds and but i um it would still like destroy my shoulders and everything obviously like i would die but just for one rep and then um die But, like, I would have done it, you know. You come over to my mansion and I have eight Lamborghinis that are filled to the floor to ceiling trash and, like, ketchup stains. And they're dense, all of them, and, like, scratches.

And you're in, like, a full-blown, like, Matrix Revolutions, like, mech suit. And you're like, hey, man, you clean those cars out yet? And I'm like, no. So, like, how's the mech suit? And you're like, oh, I'm in pain constantly. They took my spine out.? I'm like, no. So how's the mech suit? And you're like, oh, I'm in pain constantly. They took my spine out. But it's good, though. I mean, we're clearly using our money smartly.

I had my jeans spliced with a Wolverine because I thought it would be cool. And now my eyes, I can only see the color yellow. Yeah. But I can't see lines or anything. I can only see the color itself. And so I've been just staring into the sun waiting for it to all end yeah and you're like oh that's cool i've been going to the casino i've just been doing that but that sounds good too and i'm like no it's it's really bad it's all this is all gonna be over soon i still live in the same shithole apartment that i just

moved into but like out in front taking up 10 parking spaces are just like an enzo hurrican mercy alago hellcat dodge viper but they're all just covered in like barbecue sauce that's like red bull cans in the floorboard and uh you're you just like land like with jet thrusters you're like you like land on one i'm like come on man you're like you weren't yeah it's off yeah hey what's up dude you ready to do the video episode i'm in the i'm in like an iron man suit but i'm in constant pain because uh the doctor convinced me that they had to put the engine for it in my ass and it's like the size of a two liter bottle yeah and just like sharp aluminum edges

yeah yeah you're like how you been man i'm like i'm really bad i've been struggling terrible i can't walk anymore i can only take off i can only fly i can only fly jake you know what's funny is we're talking about a life that would require an amount of money that you can't make pot like yeah i'm like i'm like this is what i would do with 45 000 a year first off i would buy a super yacht yeah those cost about 175 million dollars yeah i would buy one of those but i could get it because i would get it financed by the way i don't have a credit score but i would do it because i'd have money you know they see big ballers they see ten thousand dollars they know they know you mean when you go to the yacht club and you pay your dues and then you go over to the yacht shop

and you've got twenty two,200 in your savings account. I'm like, baby girl, you see this whip? This is a 2009 350Z. That I got for 15% APR, 782 a month payments. This motherfucker got 280,000 miles on it. Baby girl, that's to the moon and back three times. Yeah. Damn. times. Yeah. Damn.

Damn. Damn. Dude, I like... I went to... I did an open mic last night. I hadn't done stand-up since like November. And... There was... The guy that was hosting it was like...

I told a joke. It was not even a joke. hosting it was like... I told a joke. It was not even a joke. I was just riffing on porn ads and doing stupid shit that I used to do seven years ago. And I just said, I was like, yeah, I can't really make porn because I look like Pete Davidson. Fuck Rosie O'Donnell.

And it got a good... Stuff like that. People thought that was funny but uh afterwards he was like you should open with that man and I was like huh he was like hey just like some advice you should open with that line and I was like what line he was like Pete Davidson one he's like people know who he is and that's like how comedy works it's like relatable and I was like I was like dude I'm not good that's like how comedy works. It's like relatable. And I was like, I was like, dude, I'm not good at this.

Like I've never really been good. Like I get laughs at open mics, but that's like basically it. Like I don't, you know, but like you're like, I was in a sport. It's in a sports bar. Like I, like it was kind. I appreciate it. But also I'm like, man, what, what do you do? What? Like, like i'm old i'm not like a 17 year old kid

like i'm gonna be on like i'm old i'm in my late 20s like i don't know what hey thanks for the advice man i'll definitely open up with the that stupid ass line like it was just very like i don't know it was just very very strange i was like huh like what are you talking i'm gonna steal that line for my first i'm gonna open with that first time i do an open mic and everyone's gonna be like no you don't you don't look you don't look like that dude there's a mic that they're doing uh i thought about going to it tonight i still might after we do this but they're doing 10 minute sets which leads me to believe it has to be a new mic

because you keep that shit to like 3 to 5 5 on the fucking high end because if you let I've seen people go up there and run the light for like 9 minutes and usually they'll try to

and then people cut them off sometimes people will let them go because that shit's funny because it's just some person up there it's like i tried to drown my dog and my dog was barking and crying and i was drowning him and i was done my dog haha i don't i don't want to be alive anymore like just shit people who need to be locked away and sedated for the rest of their lives or women who think who joke about wanting to kill their own children that shit gets me every fucking time it's so funny dude i don't think you know i i have the same view on stand-up as i do sex work and that i think it's sad that women have to do it sometimes

yeah you know um obviously i support the the workers themselves some say too much but when you see a woman doing comedy, it's like, it's degrading for anyone to do it, right? Yeah, no, 100%. It's like, you're like hot or whatever. What are you, do you want us to like you? You know, do you want guys who do stand-up to, you know, what are you? Half the people in this room are like convicted pedophiles. Yeah, I could take you away from this.

This lie. Hyenas in Fort Worth. I can take you to hyenas in Dallas. Do you want to go to the belly room with me? You want to go to hilarities? If you're listening to this and you thought this was good, you're going to want to go to patreon.com slash pandejo time. For those of you, I think a couple people who've signed up for the honcho,

we're going to do another video episode in August. We're going to do one. Also, guys, the reason why I haven't announced the honcho thing is because it automatically builds at the beginning of the month, and I didn't want to try and act like I was tricking y'all. Yeah. Because we're not going to have a premium up'all into like because we're not going to have a premium up this month.

Yeah, we're not going to have a video up this month. We will like we will in August. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to pull a fast one on you. I just need to do

we put our first video episode out and I'm like I need to make a tier. So yeah. If you, you know Don't get it yet. If you want to give us the extra $10 you can.

Yeah, yeah, fuck it. Yeah, but don't But I'm not trying give us the extra ten dollars yeah yeah fuck it yeah but don't but i'm not trying to like trick you here yeah yeah now i thought about it and i discussed it with jake i was like maybe we should do it like the 31st and announce it and then like get like maybe 80 extra dollars and we split it and we can use i can use that money for a mini fridge yeah and like 20 people will never trust us again. And we'll lose like 50 subscribers, and it'll be not worth it at all. I'm like, we should just do a Ponzi scheme for our – They will only work one time for $50.

The people who like us who we do not deserve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If everyone – is this a free or a premium? This is a free. I just said that. Well, if you don't pay for this you don't have to i just i mean i appreciate all of it but if you do um thank you so much because um i'm not great with money i'm now realizing as i'm living on my own for a while

i was like man i'm pretty good at saving up well as live at my parents' house and have not too bad expenses. And now I'm not, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I really don't have money. And if it weren't for this, I would probably, you'd see me on the news. Yeah, me and Thomas have shared. Because I'd be an anchor. I would go back to broadcasting school. We should get on the radio.

We should. We should make our own network. Yeah. We could call it the RNN. Oh, right. The Nurse Network. Oh, okay. Anyway, thanks for tuning in.

Goodbye.