Pendejo Time - I got pie on it

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

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I got five on it. Smoking on that normal weed. I got five on it. I got pie on it. Okay. And there's got some ice cream, please. I got fries on it. California burrito avocado cheese.

Yeah. Yeah. Daddy like you. Daddy like a. California, young. California, dinner. California dinner. California dinner starting. Better get ready for your plate.

Better get ready For your sauce For your sauce Better get ready Ready for a napkin Because we are munching Yeah we are crunching Now love we welcome everybody

To the chicken breast And when you get it on your plate It's gonna taste the best Like a Like a bib on your belly in the city of, like a bib on your belly in the city of snacks. Nah, that's fine. I'm not really happy with it.

My life could have gone a lot of different ways, I guess. My lunch pail has a snail that I plan on eating. My lunch pail has a snail that I plan on eating. Okay. All right, that's not bad. My lunch pail has, escargo is French, but I live in, but I live in, but I live in city

I live in a city that's outside of kind of where Have you ever had escargo? No, I haven't Not necessarily out of some conviction I don't think I've been countered it It's just It's not

It's fine I don't know I guess I mean because it's like It seems yucky to Americans But it's just like It's not any yuckier than like an oyster In terms of like I like oysters So I want to make that clear in terms of like the texture of it and the experience is rather yucky.

As an oyster head myself, I'm willing to admit it, people are like, it's like eating salty boogers and you only eat it when you're drunk. Yes, that's 100% true. It gives you diarrhea. There's parasites in it. Yes, absolutely 100%. 100% true. But there's something about being like 15 beers deep and ordering like fucking 30 oysters. paying a lot of money for not a lot of food

and eating cold boogers on a hot day I would get oysters I would get oysters if I'd given up on paying off whatever credit card I was using Yeah, yeah I was just planning to not pay off that credit card Then I would get oysters But until that day comes

I don't think I'll ever order them Yeah I've never paid for oysters It's not something I've ever I've gotten for the table a couple times And I've always regretted it It's usually like if I have a couple drinks before, like with the boys who go out to dinner sometimes, boys dinner. And I'll be like, yeah, let me get some moisture for the table.

And everybody in the friend group looks at me like, hey man, we know that you don't have the money to do that. And I'm like, yeah, y'all don't even understand the podcast. Man, I'm hanging out with guys you wouldn't even believe. I'm hanging out with the producer for fucking dad meat. You know what I mean? You wouldn't even believe the connections that I'm making. I'm hanging out with the fucking the former camera. guy from

Caleb Harron's podcast he just got a 2018 corvette so you guys

don't know what the kind of deals are making so I can order 12 oysters you know what I mean you guys

don't understand the type of fucking timing that I'm on what type of timing are you on lately me

I'm on you mean are you asking me or you just no I'm ask you what kind of

timing would you say you'd be on I'm drinking a lot and I'm not really

doing good but that's just That's where I'm at right now. I could be on some different timing. Fat slave. That's what I'm feeling. It's a time that feels like in my life.

Honestly, what are you, 27? Yeah, 26, about to be 27. Yeah, 27 is a great, 27 was maybe my top five fattest slave years, I would say. I was very much a fat slave. when I was 27. It's funny that, you know,

like, really what's supposed to be the best years of your life or the, like, that guess between, because when you're 20,

you know, you don't really have much going on, and you're 23, like, just kind of, so, like, 23 to 29

are supposed to be the best years of your life, but you spend them, most of, most of people, I think most Americans spend 23 to 29 and a fat slave,

you know? Like, everybody's like, everybody's like oh these are the best you're 20s are the best years of your life and I look back on them and I'm like I was a fat I was a fat slave for most of them you know what I mean like the last two years are pretty good and then my dad died and then that kind of put it into that I had a good 18 month run but yeah 20 through 29 95% of it yeah fat slave for sure later no man what can you do there's good parts every part of way do you buy do you buy do you buy buy beer? Do you keep beer in the house?

No, I haven't actually had a beer in probably three weeks a month. Oh, are you not drinking right now? Not much, no. Oh, that's cool. Here and there, but not like I didn't like make a rule about it

or anything. That's good. I've been going out a lot less, honestly. That's what it is. Because if I go out, I'll typically have at least one drink, you know what I mean? Yeah. But I just haven't really felt like it lately. I've been direct Like yeah I'm

Sometimes I just don't Like sometimes I don't want to But it's not like Not like I'm making a major change or anything It's just not what I'm interested in sometimes I envy that I envy that I'm either one or the other

Like I really I only live like life in extremes Like I'm either really Completely sober And I'm working out like three hours a day Or I'm in my current mode Which is yeah

Like I've talked about in the show before Like I don't normally buy beer for the house because if I have it, like in my mind, I'm going to go, all right, I'm going to get similar high life, so I'll get two-12ers, and they're just going to sit in the fridge, and whenever, after a long day, if I want to have one, you know, these are just be the months beers.

No, pretty much if I have beer in the house, I'm going to drink it, and that's pretty much that on that. So, like, I found myself earlier being like, I'm a little stressed. And I also do that, to be honest, if I have... That's why I don't buy it from the house. If I have it, then I'm like, well, it's taking up so much space in the fridge. also I need it for my healthy foods I better get all this beer out of the way

I'm going to get my kale in here protein yogurts and my big glass of milk my my unpeath my green my raw milk leaves yeah green leaves and raw milk

I need room for my pomegranates I better move all this fucking rye whiskey out of the way I need room for my pomegranates and my raw milk do fuck raw milk and Fuck people who'd be talking about that shit. That shit annoys the fuck out of me. We figured this shit out like so long ago,

and people were like, no, you got to drink it raw with all the pus in it and all the green shit. Rob milk for me is a deghaf situation. Don't give a fuck. You're just straight up like not. It's just... Yeah, it's just like...

If you want to drink that stuff and, like, maybe have diarrhea or maybe not, I don't really know the science behind it. Yeah. If that's making you big and strong, then I... Then cool. I think it's probably other stuff.

Right, right, right. That's something people want to drink. Good for you, man. I'm probably just going to keep getting the... I do get, like, the kind of fancy milk, though. Not the, not the, like, raw milk and not, like, from a farmer, but... Yeah. I'll get, like, the grass-fed milk.

Ooh, grass-fed. Very nice. It's really, it's just really yummy compared to regular milk. I don't be drinking milk. It's really sweet. It reminds me of Brahms milk from when we were growing up. Oh, Brahms was the shit when I used to drink milk. I haven't...

I don't drink. dairy any i don't drink their their milk doesn't taste the same anymore because they made the they like switched the herd over to a4 or whatever yeah so that's more stomach friendly but they used to be so sweet yeah i love a good nice sweet milk should be sweet creamy yummy and delicious those are my four rules for milk like jd vance like no context clip Milk should be creamy, sweet, yummy, delicious. And if that makes liberals mad, you know, that's kind of, that's not my problem. You know, yeah, I mean, milk should be, you know, unpasteurized, creamy, sweet.

That's the speech you would give it the border. Milk should be yummy, sweet, creamy, tasty, tasty, delicious. Right, like, right after Stephen Miller gives like a gerbils level, like horrifying thing, Jadie Vance is like, you know, milk should be thick, creamy, sweet, you know, you should be able to drink it. out of a glass, kind of a mason mother's milk should be available

at all times. We should have access to mother's milk whenever needed. Mother should give us that milk. And our troops should have milk too.

And we... Do you know one of the stories that kind of got like swept under the rug and it wasn't even... It was a big deal to me was that Vice President Pence

calls his wife mother. And he's not allowed to be in any a room. He's not allowed to be in any... He's not allowed to be in a room with a woman in it unless she's present. And he's, like, on a hot mic a couple of times calling his wife, mother. He's a deeply religious man.

And it was one of those things where it's like you're allowed a peek just behind the wizard's curtain into what is more than likely a deeply psychosexual, like, depraved marriage life. Like, you're not allowed to be, so he's not allowed to be in a room with a woman without his wife present. And he calls his wife's mother, not mommy, which would be weird. what that dick can do that that yeah yeah yeah

yeah that's like that horse yeah that's like that horse in the pants yeah yeah that all Mikey slang some I mean if he's

calling her mother I'm pretty sure she's probably imagine going out to imagine going out to dinner with Mike Pence and you're trying to rub his cock

with your foot under the table old pants stalkers his wrinkle his perfect perfectly starched but kind of wrinkled dockers. And she's like,

are you rubbing Michael's penis into the table? Mommy does not appreciate that. Mother does not appreciate that. That's one of the political characters. I feel like people really did not give a fuck about it. Nobody fucking... I've never heard of the...

It was just so... Well, one of the... I think what I find interesting about him is he's more interesting to me than Vance. Like, I know J.D. Vance has had like 10 different names, and allegedly may have... may not very careful I say this.

Maybe, according to rumors I found on the internet, this is a complete joke. May or may not have touched on some kids at a church in Ohio many years ago. Ruka is a complete joke. It's not true. It's just not true. He's had a bunch of different names. You know, he wrote that blog after he watched fever pitch where he said, I've never felt more like a woman in my life. One of my favorite things, by the way, that, like, you know, you dig up on old, people were digging up old shit on Barry on Barack Obama.

And it's like, yeah, you know, he did cocaine in Hawaii and, like, smoked weed. And it's like, all right, whatever. And then, you know, you dig up stuff on George Bush Jr. And he crashed his car into the Yale sign and they had to rebuild it overnight. And, you know, he had so many DUIs. Like, the state was like, man, you got to fix this shit up. But watching Fever Pitch and then going on Block Spot in, like, 2009, and being like, I watched Fever Pitch today and I listened to Coldplay,

Parachutes. and I've never felt more like a woman in my life is genuinely like no one's written that before you know people always say the funny kind of hack thing like those words have never been grouped together like that sentence has never been that he's the only guy that that happened to

where he's listening to uh a cold play never meant to cause you trouble and then he watched fever pitch and was like I think I might be a trans woman and then Peter Thiel you know like picked him up from the mud and was like you're not trans you're Catholic and you love

Yeah the closest I've ever been to that point was I remember taking fake acid one time and thinking about buying a choker

and then the next day I like couldn't look anybody in the eye at all and it really like it did a lot of damage to my sense

self because I thought the whole day I'm just thinking why did that even cross your mind yeah at the time keeping my at the time I was very fat and disgusting where you 20 yeah I was like 19 20 yeah yeah this is just peeve degeneracy yeah and I'm like my neck was like fucking 20 inches around at the time like you wanted to fucking get a choker they don't sell chokers for fat fucking like thick like lamb like lam like lambs That's like something you would get for a Conno Corso or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a horrible thought that was.

And it really made me reanalyze the supposed wisdom that psychedelics are supposed to give you. That was just bad advice. No. I don't think the universe was telling me that. Yeah. I kind of had a similar thing where, like, I remember I was like, I was on Molly with an ex-girlfriend. and she was like She had like her nails painted

Like I remember that this like You're on ecstasy Everything's cooler than it is And she had her nails painted this like wine red And I was like that's really cool color What if she was like You should you should let me paint your nails And I was like oh you know what

I love you I love this room we're in I love this stinky room we're in With like Bob Marley pictures And like German cockroaches on the ground Like I love I love this environment And I fucking love listening to What was that stupid?

stupid ass band. I live listening to Altj with you and smoking American Spirit blues in your house and like yeah, paint my nails fucking wine red. And then I like I like, we didn't sleep and I stayed up all night Molly and we were doing Coke to and then I went to work. I was waiting tables at this lakeside restaurant. The one I've talked about on the lake, Sheld that Abel's on the lake in Austin, Texas. And I went to the restaurant and I just kind of came out of the haze, like all the drugs were off at the same time and the alcohol. And I looked

down and I have like, like, perfectly painted with, like, gloss, like, wine red nails with, like, a shiny, like, glitter, a clear coat on them. And, uh, I was working line cook that, that, that day. And, uh, I'm like, yeah, I'm like prepping all the fucking, um, we had, like, whole pickles and I was using the spear, the spear machine to make the spear pickles. We were doing it. My job was to fry all the pickles for that day. I was on pickle frying duty. And the guy this next me was like man hey man are you fucking nail you're fucking nails painted man

he's like this old like fucking life or 48 year old 50 something year old like you know whatever I was like yeah me and my me my girl we fucking we were rolling our tits off last night and fucking doing coke and she uh she painted my nails and he goes oh yeah you know I hear I heard some guys like

you know they do math and they get a little gay yeah and I was like no it was it wasn't that type of shit he was like nah man's chill like i've heard dudes like they do a little bit of tina and they fucking they you know suck dick or whatever and i was like no it just i just i thought it was a pretty color and i was on ecstasy and you know what if your girlfriend asked you to paint your nails and he'd be like i'd tell her fuck herself kill you fuck you bitch it's like i was just kidding all mad like i was like i was like i was like dude i thought it was a pretty color and like i was i was on ecstasy everything's

cool when you're on exit he's like yeah i've been on ex i never painted my goddamn fingernails and i was like fuck and i got all like i got i was like deep frying pickles all day like having a crisis. I was like, well, do I want to pay my nails? And it's like, no,

I just, it's just like, I was like, I got shit, I got shit from this fucking cock sucking, like old head. And then, yeah, uh,

my ex-girlfriend paid my fingernails that night. And I was like, oh. And then I went home and like scrubbed them off. Like, like, uh, like in the,

like in the scenes in prison where like the guy gets like, sexually assaulted in prison and he's like, showering and he's like, I got to get it off of me. That's how I like, wipe the fucking nail polish. I was like, I can't be, I can't be dirty. I can't be unclean.

If you paint your nails and you're a guy, that's totally fine. I don't want to talk shit on that. I'm not the kind of guy. I did, I had my nails painted for like a brief period. And then I was like, nah, it's not really for me. It's fun to do it. It's just funny to be not sure about whether you want to have that. People can smell that on you.

Yeah, I know for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're not sure. And you think, oh, I'm just going to go out. and I'll become confident throughout the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then first thing in the morning, somebody goes, hey, looks like you're not really feeling like yourself.

Is this due to this change? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, no, no. Start over, start the day over. Start over. Reply the day. No. Respond at my house, jacking off.

It's 9 a.m. too early for this to be going wrong. I so badly wish that you could like, you could have a limited. number like 10 responds where like a day like you get to like 1 p.m. and you're like no no no just put me back in my living room jacking off where i gotta go to work like just put me just like take me back no i hate this conversation like i hate this fucking i hate this shit just just bring me back at like nine in the morning i haven't slept i'm just trying to pull on my wiener and watch porno so i can go to work that sounds weird like i need to jack off before i got to go to work but uh you can do so much cocaine that you do need to jack off to not have a heart attack that is a doctor is a proven thing. That's kind of what I'm talking about.

Yeah, you can get a note for that. Hey, let him be 15, 20 minutes late. He needs to jack off after he wakes up. He did an eight ball last night. He needs to jack off a little bit so he can go. So he can deep fry pickles for fucking $9 an hour. Dude, I was just talking to a buddy of mine who still works back of a house. Like, it's kind of crazy.

The hourly, if you're back of house head, sound off on the comments. It's kind of crazy. how like the like my buddy washes dishes at an Italian restaurant in Austin I won't name him uh he anonymity's sake I guess I don't know he listens to the show but anyway you know you know you are dude he was like yeah I just got to race 13 an hour

and I was like to wash dishes he's like yeah you know but it's like 10 hours a day so it evens out and I was like hey man you should join the army I was kidding but we were like bullshit and drinking And I was like, you should join the military, man. Like, you can't, you cannot be doing any task in the, in the, in the big two six for 13 an hour.

Like, you can't. Like, you got to, you got to go join infantry or something. You got to go to, like, you got to get it. Go to grad school. This year? This was literally like two weeks ago, bud. Oh, my God. I thought you were saying whenever you were in college.

No, when I was sling. No, not when I was running. I was going to say, like, 10 years ago, that was fine. 13 an hour, even. I won't say. dude but five years ago that's what I was making same yeah yeah I well I was making 1,700 a month and I was getting paid monthly so I don't know what that evens out to I think it's like 10 but yeah five years ago that's how much money I was making dude um I when I had to freeze my credit

uh they made me go through each one of my yearly they and I had to go through um all of my tax and all of my taxable income for the last 10 years bro since I was 18 years old since I was 18 years old since I was filing taxes. From 18 to 26, the most money I made, I never broke $30,000. The most I made until I was 26 was like $24,000 a year. And then 26, listen to this, Thomas. Hold on to your hat. I made $33,000 at you.

And I remember that year. I was like, yo, dude, hey, gas tank on E, but all drinks on me, wipe me down. Like I remember that year being like telling Ashley we had just started a date and I was like I can get the spaghetti tonight Daddy's got all daddy's got the sauce. He's got the angel hair pasta like don't even worry about a thing cookie bun Daddy's got it and then and then and then 27 years old I made $44,000 get out of town. I remember that year too. I was like now we're now now we're talking about corvettes now we're talking about summer houses in the Hamptons you know and then 28 I made six $60,000 a year, which I, that's pretty much all, I think that's all I'll ever make. And that's pretty much, like, I'll never make more than that, I don't think.

You know, that's just kind of where I'm at or whatever. Which is good. That's a good amount of money, I think. But then I have friends who work in sales for, like, Oracle, and they make, like, a quarter million dollars a year. And they're like, why don't you get into sales? And I'm like, I would rather, you know, I'd rather get tortured for, like, two years than if I can work at Oracle or whatever. Oh, yeah. I just want to get specialized enough with blue color stuff to where I can be one of the guys who's making like 50 an hour and just kind of like passes out a sheet in the morning to everybody.

Yeah. Kind of disappears. Yeah, dude. My goal in five years, like, whenever I first moved to New York, I was like, dude, in 10 years, I know it will probably take 10 years, but I will be like probably the same status as. Shane Gillis and all those guys. And now I'm like, so the way the union works is, if I keep showing up usually,

I think they're going to accidentally give me a bunch of money at some point. Well, that's kind of how it happens to like the Longshoremen. Like you know, you're in New York. So like the Union Longshoremen, they hang out for like 15 years and then they just like start making 200 grand a year to hand out pieces of paper. Basically. That's what I know about the Longshoremen.

strongman guys. And they're always like, they're always the guys that get, what's the term I'm looking for? They're like the guys who become the topic du jour because it's like, this, this blue collar worker makes 200 grand a year and loves Trump. And it's like, I mean, yeah, I mean. And they interview like some fucking whop retard in New Jersey and he's like, yeah, the union takes care of me and I love, I love the police and I fucking love the president. And it's like, yeah, I mean, you know, of course you know.

Yeah, it is funny. The only people who still get pensions and stuff, it's just that's who they are. Fat Italian, like, racists. I was actually, this is a form of birthright for me. Yeah, it's like Israel, but for Italian. I get to, no matter what, I got to, I knew I had to visit my homeland at some point,

which was Staten Island. Yeah, I had to go back to Staten Island. I was born in Jersey, but I came back to Staten Island to get a sanitation job. It's a good job My uncle got me starting $95,000 a year Now I make a quarter million a year And all I do is I sit in a crane

You know sanitation here Whenever they work overtime They get double Not time and a half Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah yeah That's been like a contract

And they work like 20 Years Yeah Yeah The sanitation pensions in New York In Jersey are crazy Yeah It's like

For me It's like There's nothing like that because you just have to work for you have to work for the right agency or whatever well you're i mean but you're i don't want to get too much away it's it's it's all different okay okay okay okay like different negotiations and stuff is it by bro different different trades no no it's like different trades have different um stuff yeah but it's all good you're uh you're you're actually like i really i mean i don't know the reason i got a fake email

male job and that's the only job over have is I realize like I am kind of I mean I showed up just am bitch made like I'm not gonna I'm not doing that anymore I haven't stepped I haven't like so were most of the blue collar people here like they're like we don't miss around we show up

we bust our asses and and we make it fucking happen we're in New York we fucking work and it's like we work for like two or three hours yeah in terms of things being difficult and the rest is like logistics

and driving and stuff it's like and what were you listening to in the car on the way? Sorry to cut you off. Oh that was somebody wanted to listen to the Peewee Herman soundstruck and it was just a bicycle scene

and it was just the sound it was just like the soundtrack of somebody riding a bike like a bicycle chase. What time was it? What time was it? It was like not it was like we were going to have lunch but we hadn't had lunch yet. So like everybody's kind of hungry

like a little bit on edge. You just listen to bicycle music. Fucking bicycle chase. I think that's what it was called. Yeah, it's so stupid. It's so funny if you put like... And then I was like acting fake man. I took the oxen and I played Cheetah Print by Drake with Six Year Red.

Yeah, it's funny like... And then everybody got annoyed me because it was just like ten guys in the minute. I said, man, we got to get some ass shaking in here. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. They got mad about that. No, nobody really likes me that much. Yeah, I, I, I pissed off people at work today, but it was, it was an unrelated thing. We were trying to play, like, I just have kind of a bad personality sometimes in terms of working with me. It's like, you know, because if you're friends with me and I'm getting on your nerves, you could just stop talking to me.

But imagine I'm just here, I'm just here next to you, eight hours a day. On the worst day of your life also, you can come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. cheated on you're having a baby with um a lady that's disabled or something yeah that's fine that's not bad and uh you come into work and i'm and you get a visit from the tickle monster or something like that Tommy tickles in town Tommy tickles in town like that do you start tickling all the Dominican guys and all the Puerto Rican guys and they no no they're better ticklers than me oh everybody also got mad the other day because uh

we had to go cut a bunch of trees for a 9-11 memorial or something and I kept saying all right guys we're getting ready from 9-11 you got cut all the trees down 9-11's about to have it all right guys I'm ready for 9-11 we got to get ready for 9-11 we got to get we got to get all the trees from 9-11 we got to make this shit look fancy we got to get these trees trams they're hiding up here they give you shit for being from Texas I mean a lot of transplants out there a lot of people give me shit for from being in Texas. I tell people I'm just here to take jobs.

Oh, nice. Okay, yeah, yeah. I just double down with the heel shit. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm here, and I have an awesome life, and I'm in an amazing neighborhood, you know, historically black, and I live there instead. Yeah.

You know, taking the jobs and taking the five minutes of stage time every six months. from native New Yorkers Turning down Gings for people Turning down gigs if I'm sleepy Or Not in the mood to see people

Dude you You texted me like Yeah I'm turning down this I've got some shit I gotta work on And I'm like What? And you're like just just turning my life around And I'm like

I don't like This is a good Busy as fuck right now It's being me Just smoking my pin And going on walks I'm not really trying to do stand up right now.

I'm having, I'm having to cut it out with the pen because, um, because I think I'm becoming like real life disabled. Like, like, just know,

it can't make you that way. Like, it really can. Yeah, because you meet perma-fried people like, yeah. You know, yeah,

I've got a little bit of that going on, but not like, um, not like to where I can't formulate a sentence, but you meet people where it's like, eh. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. You meet a guy who's like, he's like, Yeah, so like, like a guy who goes, huh, dude, and here's the thing, money, it's not even real.

And you're like, this is just late stage capitalism is for you guys. Yeah. What? You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? The fuck is this. This late stage capitalism. Whenever you meet a guy who's so high that you're like,

God, I wish I could kill you with my mind right now. Yeah. I play a lot of like DIY punk shows. I mean, Like, it was like, if he, if he tried to eat a sandwich right now,

he would choke on it and die. Oh, I mean, I mean so many guys like, like playing, bro, you just like the music video I saw. Yeah.

I mean so many guys like playing music that are like, there's like a cigarette circle, like we all finish playing and we're out like, you know, like a little smoking zone of the bar, the venue, whatever. And we're talking about, like, Uber or something or, like, Waymo. And it's like, they're, like, so fucking stone and so drunk. And it's like, yeah, that's late stage capitalism.

And it's like, I don't, what do you mean? Like, you mean Uber is late stage capitalism? Like, oh, like, all right. But, like, I mean, like, taxi. Like, Waymo, I could see. You know, it's a gimmick. It's a driverless car. You know, they're homeless guys in the street or whatever.

But, like, just when a guy, just, when a guy interrupts a. natural flow of conversation and be like, yeah, it's a state-stage capitalism, bro. You're like, I don't think... Welcome to the world we live in. It's not... We lived in. Welcome in the world we lived in. I love that line.

Welcome to the world we lived in, man. You know, the fucking... Yeah, it's... I had noticed a long time ago, man. Yeah, they always have, like, an unearned wisdom. They always have, like, a... I saw it coming... Welcome in my life.

The dumbest guy you know was always like, yeah, I saw it coming, man. I've been trying to tell people, but I told people about the big short back in 2010. The movie? I told people about the big short movie. My uncle had the big short on his DS to play it. It's always also the big shirt, bro, most people don't know the big short was originally a game. You could crash the economy on your DS. You could be Steve Carell Media.

Ryan Gosering Speaking of the big short DS queue up Steve Carrell meeting DS please please queue up Steve Crowell meeting Ryan Gosling If you don't want to Speaking of late stage capitalism

Guys How do I say this Sometimes Sometimes you just got to have ads on the shows Okay And Thomas Do you have the script in front of you Because you open it up

If you want to get out of late stage capitalism you know the only way to really do that is not through hard work or through college it's actually through something called um prize picks hit him with it thomas here i'm pulling it up okay football is finally back and prize picks is bringing out their best offer yet the users who sign up will get $150 in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup that's right if you win your first $5 lineup you'll get $150 in lineups and now prize picks is available nationwide It's a novelty wording for a locket for kickoff because everything is everything is on prize fix. Keep going.

Plus, Prince Wix is giving everybody a free square for the week one opener. If you don't know football, quarterback Sam Donald. It started for the Seattle Seahawks against New England Patriots. For Week 1th opener, Sam Donald just needs one yard against New England to cash its pick. It doesn't get easier than that. Thomas, why are you screaming about Sam Darnold and kickoff when we have two? guys this weekend about to punch each other's teeth out live in Paris this weekend. Because prize picks lets you put together the daily fantasy sports lineups across multiple

sports. You could lock your gridiron projections for Sunday and your MMMA projections for Saturday in the exact same lineup. In this, UFC fight-night cards in Paris to stack tight to bottom. Oh, fair enough. Let's break down the main card fighters and make our stat projection. It's like Jason Statham and the Rock. Like since some movie where they're like begrudgingly work together, fair enough. Let's break down the main card fighters and make our stat projections. Starting with Morgan Chariere versus Felipe Lima.

Chariere's projection for total fight time is 12.5 minutes. Shariar is fighting at home in France. So I'm picking actually more than 12 and a half minutes because these two feather Guess what? We're gonna go the distance. Hmm. Next door is Losin Keita versus Mohamed Nya Move. Gator's the projection is set at 58.5 significant strikes. Keita throws absolute heat from start to finish, so I'm taking more than 58.5 significant strikes for him. Moving to the welterweight fight, Denil Don Chinko, versus

Puneale-Soriano. Of course. Of course. Why did it? How could I forget? How could I forget about Punei-L-A versus Donnie? At the forefront of our minds. The first thought I had when I woke up, Don Chinko versus Soriano, Punele versus Danny.

Soriano's projection is set at one and a half takedowns landed. Soriano is going to want to stand in the pocket and swing and bang and throw leather and throw fucking hard punches so hard that it's thundering and the whole fucking crowd has to fucking stand still and watch it like yeah so i'm picking less than one point five takedowns landed because i expect soryana to throw hot hard leather all night all right we have the retort of venom mike and venom page for those other rules of price piece of As MVP's projection had, 45.5, she never got strikes. MVP allows to bounce around on the outside and picking shots the third-up procedure.

I'm looking at more than 45.5. She'd never get a strike for MVP. I love how you said Nerselton-Ruzibor's name with perfect precision there, Thomas. The co-main event is an all-get-this, an all-French showdown. That means you know I'll be tuning in. between Fares Ziam and Axel Zola Oh my two favorite Either men or women You know I'm locked it on

Farad Zayam versus Axel Sola Zayam's projection is set at 52 and a half significant strikes 52.5 Get this, Ziam's jab is going to be working overtime In front of that Paris crowd Oh, that classic Paris crowd That classic Paris crowd That loves a fucking jabbed works overtime

So I'm picking more Those 53 jabs I'm picking more than 52 and a half significant strikes I can only say more And then Thomas you've got You've got the main event so you better sell this And the main event of the night

Dan Hooker Versus Saladin pornese Or pornette More like You got it. What is part nasty? Yep.

Price picks has Dan Hooker's projection at 68.5 significant strikes and Parnasty's projection of 2.5 takedons landed. 2.5 takedowns? Yeah, I don't know how you could do that. Dan Hooker physically cannot back down from a dog fight, so I'm taking more than 68.5 significant strike for Hooker. That's going to be an absolute war. And speaking of how great the act is.

Yeah. That's what I describes. That's going to be an absolute war. And speaking of how... Holy fuck, that sounds interesting. Holy fuck, I love this. Holy fuck, I love doing this. Holy fuck, I love this war.

That's going to be an absolute war. Speaking of how great the app is. Yeah, they're into war. They're into fucking absolute wars. That's going to be an absolute war between Dan Hucker and Saladin Parnass. And speaking of how great the app is, prize pick features.

Do you know Price Picks invented the injury reboot? If a player is in your lineup and he gets injured in the first... If a player in your lineup gets injured in the first... Oh. Price Picks also has an improved search functionality and live box scores to track your picks without even having to leave the app. Plus with their social feature, you could find popular picks that users absolutely love and copy them in just one click.

The prize picks app is better than ever, so pull up this football and MMA season. Download the app today. No, we can do it the same time. No, we have to do it twice as to be separate. Okay. That makes sense. I just shot my fucking Zen somewhere halfway across my office. Download the app today and use code Pendejo to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup.

Download the app today and use code Pendejo to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. That's code Pendejo, P-E-N-D-J-O, to get $150 instantly instantly. in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Price picks Run your game. Okay. Didn't that feel nice and organic guys?

Wow. You guys should make the rest of the show like that. Yeah, so Don't worry we're going to be trying to get more of those in the future. Don't worry, we're truly trying to get we're going to try to do it to where every

three minutes, it's one of those that goes on. I want to be the kind of content creator that's like fucking with a homeless man and then pulls out his phone to make a rain bet or some type of shit. Oh shit, they give 50 voice bucks. You know what that means? Blow his kneecaps off.

Chat just gave me 15 fucking goi dollars. You know what that means? Holy mug balls. Come on this homeless man's toes and walk away. Come in his homeless feet and pussy. Come on.

Yeah, Thomas was Make your bet using big bet.com And then you can get $128 Instantly Deposit into your account. We really don't have anything in the copy About homeless guys and feet. So I've got a new app called Backloads And it's

Ticket-based Internet Service Opportunity And it's where every, yeah, you use code T-Bug and every time you put in 20

backload bucks it puts they swing a big hammer right into my asshole I'm thinking of a movie called backloads and every room you enter

is your parents fucking in a different position guy who keeps guy who's running from room to room salivating yes yes

where was the doggy style room again every door you open your dad's like hey come on now get out of here hey I thought she was learning out of room.

Stop fucking me. Jesus Christ. Is that your mom? Everybody. I just laughing at somebody. I'm laughing at a kid walking in on his mom and dad fucking in the mom being like, oh, stop fucking me. No.

Stop fucking me immediately. I told you to stop fucking me. That would be a funny line. Get off of me! Do you ever walking on your parents fucking? No, thankfully. I did. It sucked pretty bad if I'm keeping it.

It's not really something I have much, you know, FOMO about. No, I'm not saying that I had FOMO. I'm saying that I did do it a weird, it happened a weird amount. I think more, everybody's got, not everybody, but a lot of people have at least one story. But I walked into my parents fucking, like, we lived in a two-bedroom apartment. and my bedroom ended up becoming like the place where my dad played guitar and drank beer

so I didn't even so I slept in the living room and yeah a lot of times I would just be like I wonder what's for dinner tonight so I would just like open the door and you know my parents I walk into my parents fucking and I'd be like god damn it I guess I got to go in my room and think about this every day and think about it all day and fuck it barked

It's like those Chinese industrial fucking... The videos of those big industrial pile drivers the size of semi-drugs. Hey, stop fucking me! Dude, if my mom hears this, I'm never getting... She doesn't even have any... You know what? I don't even have anything to inherit. It doesn't matter.

Mama love you. You're going to miss out on $60. I cut you off. You've lost your $60. You are no longer on your $60. Mariting my dog. And my sick dog that needs $10,000 worth of help. That is some shit that would happen.

That would happen to a little old me. Oh, man. I've got so much fucking shit, dude. I fucking... So much stuff I need to take care of. I don't want to take care of any of it. I have to spend, like... I need to spend, like, an entire weekend working on the car.

I ordered some brakes. I ordered rotors. and brake pads, I'm going to try to do the brakes myself. So everybody, if you live in the southeast Austin area, just kind of be on the lookout for a gray Kia Stinger. And if it's driven by a guy that looks like me, I might do my breaks wrong. And you might be thinking, breaks are easy. Breaks are easy, and the thing about me is I'm actually much more adept at complicated things.

And if something's easy, I do find a way to ruin it somehow. That is kind of, I think my arrogance leads me to make careless mistakes. mistakes during easy tasks, but during complicated tasks, I actually try, and I do do them correctly. But if it's something like an oil change, somehow I'll end up with, like, I don't know, like my lower radiator hose, like, connected to my transmission or some shit. I don't fucking know. What are you looking at?

I'm putting on pictures of guys' transmissions? No, I was looking at that. I was, got myself pretty good on that. I was looking at the brand sports drink. The sponsor's been, they have a drink called... You pull your mic up to you. You're a little quiet. They have a drink called Lemon Lime Baby Time.

No, they don't. They do. Let me get a little bit. And it's for kids. It says sports kids is sports drink for kids. Lemon Lime, baby time. Yo, if you're selling anything like this, you got to get your ass whooped.

Lemon Lime Baby Time. Sports drink LLC. Lemon Lime Baby Time. $40. It's like the original, but toned down a tiny bit for smaller people. Made for taller kids, kids, timid teens, and guys under five foot. Wait, what? No, hold on.

This is not an adjury. We're not doing it after them. I was looking at my phone. I don't want to talk about them anymore. Oh, okay. That's fine. They're racist, aren't they? They're like a racist.

I don't know. I don't know. But there's enough fads for me to not be exiled to do another one. Yeah, that's fine. I don't want to do another one. Guys drink real Gatorade, okay? Guys, just drink Gatorade, it's fine. They figured it out forever good.

I don't think, I think if I died from dye or something like that, I don't think that would make sense. Dying from smoke, that makes sense dying from billowing smoke and ash and dust, I get that. I don't think I'm going to die from yellow chemical. That doesn't make sense to me. Tell us, I'm going to tell a scary story. I'm going to play a little haunting lick for you. There once was a boy. He was about seven, ten years old, somewhere at seven to ten range.

And he found a, he was walking along the beach. Going on a beach stroll one morning, one foggy morning, midday, midday morning. First thing in the morning. 7 to 10 It was between 7 and 10 a.m. And this was on It was between June

It was between July and October It was between the 7th and 10th of the month He looks down, he's walking And He looks on his right foot, Seventh Toe

Seashell right in front of him. Picks it up. Black seashell. Shiny. A bit vermisant. Black on the outside, white on the inside.

Like an Oreo canoli. And there's something scary in there. Scared the living dickens out of him. All right, that was a pretty good story. Frighting him into a freak. Oh, let's keep going. Sorry, I thought you were done. No, and it scared the crap out of him.

No, that's the whole story. There once was a... a scary boxer who saw a fist that scared the heck out of him. Okay, I like this one. All right, hold on. Run that back. Run that back. I like the way this one.

This one was much better than the first one. No disrespect. But, all right, hold on. One second. There once was a scary boxer. He got him to fight with a fist and scared the living hell out of him. He saw a fist flying out of straight like a skull. Yeah, that kind.

It knocked him dead on the mat, looking. And he's looking up, Sino, just a fist. Scary fist. Scarred started beating the scares out of him. He's crying like a baby. And he's fighting the fist. And the whole time his whole family's around, and they're just laughing, throwing cherry pits at him.

They've been eating cherries all day. Throwing the pits sticking to him and calling him shit. That's his name to them, shit gibbons. The last name is Gibbons. It's not part of the nickname. anyway anyway that's fine that's all that's called

and he's in high school and he's in high school and he loves high school girls here's a scary story there was once a high school girl that nobody loved could you imagine no I couldn't know

this is the scariest thing I could imagine I think I think sometimes here's a hypothetical for you Thomas if you could go back in time you could go back in time

you could go back in time to high school knowing what you know now. What are you looking at your phone, pictures of girls in high school? No. I'm just going to say no to that one. People aren't here.

So you just got to say no to clarify. I don't like how not confident you were in that no. Well, no, because I joke a lot, but, you know, sometimes you just got to say no and not playing a joke. Okay, please continue with what you were saying. No, so you ever think, you know, like going back to high school,

know what you know now. All the wisdom you've gained. Because I'll tell you right now, Thomas, I know so much more about the world than I did when I was 18. You know what I mean? I know so much more. I've learned so much. You go back in time, junior year, 17 years old. How would you

what would you do different? You know what I mean? Like, how would you approach people in conversations? How would you approach you know, your education? How would you approach friendships, relationships, you know? would you still go to youth group to try and get a girlfriend or would you abandon that all together or get into alchemy or something?

It would depend on how bored I was. I might still do a lot of the same stuff out of boredom. I don't think that, like, I've thought about like, oh, what if I applied myself more school-wise? I don't think that's really what I wanted, though. No, I think I would have done that if I wanted to do it. So I don't really hold bitterness about that. I don't really hold

I feel like I had kind of a weird high school experience but at the same time I had a pretty normal American one Sure, it was just like the area I grew up in I had a

somewhat normal high school experience But I think being homeschooled It all makes you kind of weird socially Yeah for sure And I probably would have been weird socially If I wasn't homeschooled also Yeah

So I think it's just kind of a wash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I probably would have not... I had a bit of a phase where I was wearing a lot of sport coats for no reason. Because I was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be like a sport coat. There was kind of... I'm not even going to hold you guys.

There was kind of a period where I was dressing like Elon Musk in high school, but ironically, which I guess kind of say. me a little bit, this was 2010. Elon Musk wears a sport coat with a t-shirt and he's like, he leaves the house and he's like, dude, I'm going to have sex with a fucking a whole harem. I'm going to send my fucking semen to a

harem of conservative bloggers. There was like a little phase where I was wearing sport coats and t-shirts as like a... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you know, I've read the fucking... I've read fucking Infinite Jest. I skimmed through it. You know, I know fucking...

You know, everything I let go of has claw marks on it you know i i know all the fucking characters in that book and uh so pretty much probably the coolest guy in the whole high school and um oh no one wants to hang out with me as probably because of my sport coat and um i told you when i was in power they had a class in elective called bodybuilding and i used to go i wouldn't bring athletic shoes and i would go to the bodybuilding class in my uh leather boots and they all called me sunday's best at the bodybuilding class because i would just be doing dead lifts and squats and like my athletic shorts the the La Port high school athletic shorts and then just like 11 I like like like high and tight military like the leather boots

not like shit that you'd work out in like they were like dress boots I'd gotten from a thrift store so I'd be like yeah let me put on my I didn't I would never bring any running shoes or anything and I was like yeah I'm going to run the mile and I'm going to work out in my high school short my high school you like shin splints from the running? All the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all the time, yeah. Also, it's just, like, my build,

like my legs are, like, a good 60% of my body. They start, like, mid-hit, they start, like, way too high. So I've always just had problems running. You'd think I'd be, like, a fast runner, but I'm really not. Yeah, you look at me and you go, that guy can run fast.

Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. I guess I, You know, didn't really know you in a running context, so I never really thought about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know me in a walking one. I love walking. I love getting lost.

I love going on adventures. I'm going to make smash burgers tonight. My wife is, unfortunately, working at late shift at the teaching zone. So I'm going to make some smash. Teaching night's school. Yeah, make some smash turkey burgers with, probably going to throw some cheese and grilled onions in there. I got some

brioche butter bowl, but, god, God, look at the Lord, butter bowls. You got some griot butter bowls. I got some griosh butter bowls. That sounds good.

Brioche butter buns. Hey, sorry, I know you've had a long day at work. I made a griosch bugger bowls. I made gross bugger bowls. It's just like a bowl with a lot of fucking larvae in it.

You know, it would be really funny is your wife comes home and you've only made like Texas State Fair style food Oh my God I got fried Oreos Fried butter Fried Coca Cola

Yeah I got fried Coca Cola We have three foot long corn dogs We have chocolate milk Old turkey legs the size of your fucking All huge turkey legs That are not cooked all the way through Yeah They're like bacon

We've got lemonade that's way too sweet It's not good Do you have a Did you ever try I did not know how to deep fry a liquid. So I thought that the deep fried Coca-Cola thing was like a myth. But no, they like, they roll up the Coca-Cola syrup. Like, they like make it thick.

And then they like powder it and sugar and they deep-fry it. I didn't know that I was like, how do you deep-fry a liquid? And then I had it. And dude, let me tell you something. This country has done a lot. We spent the last 250-some-odd years raping, pillaging, and destroying the planet. deep fried Coca-Cola balls is like we all should be tried at the Hague.

I tried when I was a kid I tried the fried butter. That's so crazy, dude. But it was basically like cornbread. It didn't taste like that when I tried it. It was just, I guess they didn't. Maybe they didn't finish it. Because it literally, Thomas, like, it tasted like bite and there was an outer fried crust,

but the middle of it was just like a wet butter stick. Maybe they didn't fry it long enough or whatever. Maybe. Yeah. But I felt like the butter kind of absorbed into the rest of the bread. Maybe, yeah. There was still a lot of butter. In the fried Oreos, I had those as well.

Whenever, this is like fifth grade. I haven't been back to the state fair since. That's in Arlington, ain't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We went as like a school trip one time. Yeah, yeah, same. Yeah, yeah.

We took a bus from Houston to Dallas, and they were like, we're going to the Texas State Fair, and then I was, like, really excited because I was like, oh, there's going to be, like, rides and stuff and it was just like it yeah it's just the food that if you were like it really really tired from the food yeah yeah and sick look you're like oh what's the what is there to eat and they're like uncooked turkey legs deep fried butter sticks deep fried oreos um there's no water by the way there's no water as far as the eye can see you're kind of in like a desert of you know there's hot chocolate though it's 110 degrees outside but they do have scalding hot chocolate

but, um, and they do have, yeah, like thick buttery corn bread. Man, we're such a fat fucking state, dude. It's,

it's kind of disrespectful to have a fat festival. That's where the Texas State Fair is. And this isn't me being like, America Burger, even though I do say shit like that a lot. But like to have a festival where you're like,

oh, what is the festival known for? Like the Texas State Festival, is it Texas history? It's like, no, we just deep fry a bunch of shit. We just deep fry a bunch of shit.

We just deep fry a bunch of fucking like, like, like, dog food basically horse meat and shit we deep fry horse butter don't even know crab feet crab butter crab feet lady lady leg lady legs what is it you can also everything is really expensive like yeah if you want a deep fried lady leg it's like it is like 17 dollars you don't even know what it is they you just see it on the menu and you see the fat red guy in front of you order it and you're like, I'll get a deep fried lady leg. That sounds pretty good.

Sounds good to me. All right. I guess that's about it. I guess that's all. This is... Thank you guys were tuning in. Yeah, I think you guys were tuning in. I do my plugs, I guess.

Fucking piece of shit. I got one. October 30th. Yeah. Life World. With Caleb Pitts, Tommy Bayer, Seana Gutkinney. Come to that, please. 8 to 9.30.

You can still go to a Halloween party after if you would like. And that is all for me. Yeah. I will be doing Shakespeare's tomorrow, downtown Austin, the next Wednesday at the Velve. And then Friday at the VelveteroM ATX. And then Shakespeare's is free. It's on 6th Street.

That's tomorrow. 9-11. I will be doing the 9-11 show at the green room. I'll be there all night. And then fucking... I'll be doing lip service at East Austin Comedy, 924. And then 9-6, which is, I guess, Labor Day weekend. I will also be at the Vela Vita Room this weekend. Come see me do stand-up. If you want to come to any of those, DM me at Jake Road's Comedy. if you want to come hang out, and I'll see if I can get your ticket or hook you up.

Follow us on Padeo Time, Padeo Time worldwide. Check out the YouTube, listen to Drunk Uncle. Subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Pandejo Time. Dollar a month gets you access to the Discord. $5 a month gets you access to the Discord,

plus a backlog of bonus episodes and a bonus episode every week. 10 bucks a month gets you access to a backlog of video episodes, Discord access, all the bonus audio episodes and video episodes every single fucking month. If you are in New Orleans, we have a show coming up in January.

I am supposed to put a bunch of shit together so we can make the poster for that. I haven't done that. I'm sorry. Philly, same deal. February 20th. We will be doing two shows in Philly and two shows in New Orleans. Seattle, we might be doing a show. Keep an eye out for that.

Same with Boston. I'm trying to make that work. But nobody in Boston wants to talk to me, and they think that I'm a loser. All right. I guess that's about it. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye-bye.

Bye.