Pendejo Time - ice cream

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

welcome to brëst ice cream parlorSupport the Show.

Guess where you are? Am I at the ice cream store? What? Yeah! Am I at the ice cream parlor? Yeah, welcome to the ice cream store. Welcome to the... Holy crap! Where'd you guys get all this ice cream? We make it in the back of the store from breast milk.

Breast milk? Yeah, from the breast milk of the street women, ladies of the night. Where did you guys find breasts? I've never seen a breast. They're all over the city. Manhattan's chock full of them. You can just find them on the side of the road. Why, I oughta.

Breast. It's the finest breast milk I've seen. I've never seen a breast. You've never seen a pair of tits? A pair? Hell no. Two boobs? On one chest.

Wow. Wow. two boobs on one chest wow wow it's like how man I just go back in time and seeing your first pair of boobs in real life and just I wish I could would have done that I don't think I think I probably didn't yeah

look at those tits I can't believe you letting me see those tits! I can't believe you're letting me see your tits, kid. I love being 14. I love being 14 and on Xanax. It's awesome. Wow! I love being at a house... Look at those boobs!

I love being at a house party with a bunch of people who graduated two years ago. And this is the coolest thing that can happen for a guy like me who's just really not supposed to live past like 18 years old. You know, it's sort of the end of the road there.

Anyway, thanks for letting me see your tits. Wow! Wow! Like four years ago I was really into Yu-Gi-Oh. I don't really know what's happened in the last four years. I guess I smoked weed. I had to pretend to be Christian for two years for this. Wow!

I had to go to fucking youth group for three and a half years every Wednesday at 7 p.m. just to see your butt cheeks. I've had a hard-on for six months. I have been rock solid singing Blood of the Lamb for fucking ten months. And finally it pays off getting a load of that rack. Hey, Jake. What's that? You want to hear about my new ice cream parlor idea?

Yeah, let's hear it. It's an ice cream boob parlor. Made out of breast milks? It's made out of boobs. It's a genius idea. The city needs me. Boob cream. Yum.

We've got flavors like boo-berry and... Chocolate boo. Chocolate tits. We've got strawberry breast. Vanilla boo. Vanilla rack. Caramel tits. Chinese boobs.

We got the most popular flavor, Chinese boobs. Yum. You know, when I was growing up in the south side of the suburbs of Houston, Texas, I couldn't even fucking imagine a business that would serve the community in such a fucking way where you go to satisfy a man's two natural cravings. One, ice cream. Two, tits. And so I thought to myself, what if a man could marry these two ideas into one golden geese egg? Now, son, you're four feet tall. You know what that means.

Double scoop here at Brahms. Where are you going to get? I want a blue-flavored ice cream. You ever suck a pair of tits, old-timer? Son, you've got to stop talking like that. I don't know this Gilbert Gottbert godfrey fella he's not your daddy i am you're gonna talk like a normal guy dad i hate you i want to be like the guy on tv and i want to see chinese boobs

do you think that you could just like maybe instead of putting it in a cone place it in a cone, place it in some sort of receptacle. Put it on your boobs! Listen, son, I am going to have to call the sheriff. This Brahms is Christian-owned. So if you could just... I want ice cream! I want you to put the ice cream on my dad's boobs! Okay. Okay.

Yeah! I'll do it for you. You've convinced me with your sultry words there, son. I don't know how you got words like honey, man. I just... Sweet and sticky. I will do it for you, but only just once. I do feel like if somebody could finagle it or word it a certain way,

that you could open up an ice cream shop made for breast milk. Like one of those artisan, yuppie-type joints that are only open... Yeah, like a Gwyneth Paltrow-type thing. Yeah, exactly. Where it's supposed to be sex positive, but it's basically like almost human trafficking. Yeah, like they should do like a yoni juice infused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they don't call it ice cream. They call it like creme de la coochie or something gay like that. I don't know. You know, that sounds bad. I don't really like that I said that. I don't really like that either. I'm really mad that I said that.

In fact, I'm going to take a break. Yeah, they could call it like creamy cunt instead of ice cream. Yeah, but it's in the Krispy Kreme font. Yeah, it's called Cream Pie Fuck City. And it's sex positive and it's progressive. And it's liberal too. It's a new ice cream shop where you get to fuck all the girls and kill them and eat ice cream. And somehow it's progressive.

It's somehow. Nancy Pelosi hangs out in front of the stores. Come get your coochie cream pie cuda sauce on your pussy ice cream cone. And if you don't eat it,'re like a nazi or something um anyway yeah i do think if you could get gwyneth on it or some other sort of like vanilla milk type bitch maybe like olivia wilde or something um that you could get that some legs on that it wouldn't have any continuity like i feel like it wouldn't last long but those businesses aren't supposed to they're just supposed to be in the news for like two months and then like austin

has a bunch of them where it's like come eat uh like cricket chocolate bars or like come eat like it's not that's not open for a long time you know it's's just stupid shit like that. But breast milk, ice cream. Chocolate boobs! Oh, yeah! Put sprinkles on your boobs! You're like at an intern meeting and they're like, all right, so we've got to think female-oriented. Female-centered.

Okay? So my idea, creme de la breast, okay? And it's in Garamond font. We get some of the best graphic designers in the city and we really hit this campaign hard. We want people to view it as, this is a moral choice, right?

You eat this breast ice cream and you become a better person by consuming it. This is like the way you hit Gen Z. And you're in a corner just kind of sweating a little bit. You're like, I got an idea. Chocolate food. is kind of sweating a little bit. You're like, I got an idea. Chocolate booze. Chinese, Mexican flavored booze.

So I understand your enthusiasm, and man, I really like it when you come with those ideas, but we want to stay away from the race-centered stuff on this because we are trying to appeal to a younger, more progressive demographic. So we want to, but it has to be professional. So I like the enthusiasm, but let's tone down the race. Can you get, what else do you think you can? Okay. How about Italian girls?

Gash flavor ice cream. So we are going with breast milk. I think you are getting there with the girl idea. We do want to have this be a female centered product. It's for men, too, but we less sexual and less race oriented. Gotcha. So think of it like, you know, if you wanted to. Eskimo slit.

I think they're called Inuit. So we got to let. I'm Inuit. I don't think you are. By that I mean, I'm getting Inuit. My voice is going fast. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. 50 minutes of podcasting left.

It's over. You're teetering on Marge, so let's just double back. I know. I can't do it. Oh, my. They're trying to make fun of us. Tone, how about what if what if we made an ice cream

and it it was like a Chinese girl ice cream like a Chinese bitch ice cream yeah

that sounds well like you know like we want to be progressive and shit it's like a black girl pussy ice cream. Yeah, welcome to the fat pussy magic girl sauce recipe parlor. Where we only make the finest gelato from fucking...

And we only let fat bitches work there. And it'll help because they'll eat all the ice cream and they'll get even fatter we're gonna go out of business fucking fast we're doing going out of even eat the fucking sprinkles and the crumbled up butterfingers you think you got like you're like man will they eat all the graham cracker crumbles they're gone before noon before we hit fucking the lunch pail room. Last week, I had a bitch who ate a whole tub of sprinkles before opening time. She had two inch gauges. Half her head was shaved

and her name was Stink. She was about 485 pounds, looked like a giant slime backer. She ate a whole tub of sprinkles and then just started injecting vanilla ice cream into her veins and we got a little sub slogan but you think these girls are big you should see their resumes all of them have master's degrees in social work from columbia we give them nine dollars an

hour all of them were had worked for Vox and they all worked for fucking Gawker. They were all the girls that tried to fucking walk out on Deadspin a few years ago. Yeah,

they did the shitty men in media list. It didn't really work out. The longevity on that plan had no fucking legs, so... Now we've got our own list. Big fat ass women

in ice cream. plan had no fucking legs so now we got our own list big fat ass women in ice cream and boy the list is getting longer every week it's getting longer and wider yeah it is we honestly you know at the fat aspect of the business i i i the way we were all 600 pounds i need to reiterate i do not like these women. I do not like, we are sexist. We are very sexist, fatphobic, we are racist, homophobic companies. We are both pedophiles, both of us. I need you to understand that as an Italian business owner, it is my right and my culture. As podcasters.

As podcasters, Jake and Thomas. As the people who host the show,ters Jake and Thomas not as the fictional Italian we love to molest you know the cycle of violence I do not understand how successful a show has been because I belong in jail. I am a proud Italian pedophile.

As was my father before me. I come from a long line of a proud Italian pedophile. When I got my 23 million back, it was just a picture of Roman Polanski. In the dictionary. I've been a pedophile, it was just a picture of Roman Polanski. I have a dictionary. I've been a pedophile since I was eight years old. My dad was in the union. My grandfather was in the union. Oh, like the electrician's union?

No. Pike fitter union? No, pedophile union. A.K.A. the Masons. A.K.A. the Masons. Me and Thomas are notorious 33rd degree Masons. We are not pedophiles. Imagine a guy back in the day, like in the 50s or something,

an Italian guy joining the Masons and slowly figuring out they don't do anything that bad. Like, yeah, I kind of do some work around here, you know. Some guy's like, yeah, I'm a Boy Scout leader. Yeah. around here you know some guys like yeah i'm a boy scout leader yeah i'm a carpenter and then you know i do a sunday school class i'm a boy scout leader see i i heard you uh you're a carpenter what does that mean you're like uh burn down houses or something no i uh i do mostly framing work um i don't really do trim. It's just a framing crew, basically.

We've been getting our ass kicked with the way lumber prices have been going up. Hey, we're not getting paid any more than we were. I mean, it's not getting any easier for guys like us. Right. And, you know, the union's doing what it can, but, you know, you can't do all that much. The cliche in the movies is that, like, they were in waste management, which I guess, like, the guy would be like, oh, what do you do for a living? He's like, I'm in waste management.

I always thought, like, a guy legitimately being a garbage man and, like, telling a maid mafia guy, like, oh, I'm in waste management. He's like, oh, yeah, it's good money, ain't it? He's like, no, i make four dollars an hour it's like what crew you work with bronx ah the bronx crew yeah those guys are mean something else real flashy guys you're talking about tim like tim tim has cerebral palsy he's not real i wouldn't call him flashy. He's definitely twitchy. You know, doesn't really drive a nice car or anything. Anyway, in life, sometimes you watch so many mob movies that you go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole

to try and learn as much as you can about the five families, and you trace them all the way back to Italy. You're not really surprised at what you find. A lot of them are like 4'10 guys. If I was there, they would have called it the six families. And my family would have been one of them. The white family. That's right.

The Gambino. The Bonanno. The white. The white family. The white family. Man, you gotta really... For growing up, you know, super religious, you really got kind of got... It's funny that that's the family crest white that's awesome it's a sick name could have been worse you know to race it thomas racist yeah

hey hey man uh we're just filling out the business paperwork here um i appreciate you reaching out to the firm so i do have jake rhodes here as a. Under CEO, it says Thomas Homophobe. I'm like, yeah, it's just a family name. Sorry. It's like, oh, so it's not a joke? No. It's a weird long line of homophobes. But I'm not one.

I just want to let you know. There's like multiple politicians named Raper, which is really impressive. Do you remember? None of them passed like state legislature i'm pretty sure but the what was that oh reintz prebus yeah yeah that one was a really that was a good era because i was like that was when like if you wanted to go viral on twitter all you had to do was type like pebus bebis or like name your cat like Bungo. Who was it that said that it sounded like Scooby-Doo saying nice penis? I forget. I think that may have been Nick, or I don't know.

Maybe, I don't know, but I do remember that post, and I do remember it being somebody in the circle of whatever the fuck. So I don't know. Shout out to whoever that was. Shout out to whoever that was. That was a solid one. Yeah, that was pretty. Rise, Pebus. Unless it was somebody I don't like.

Unless it was a mortal enemy of mine, yeah. Dude, it's always... Even giving me one thumbs down in a group DM. In which case, that didn't hold up and you should be ashamed of yourself. Whenever people beef on there, especially friends of mine, I guess. And, you know. I was like, oh, he's a huge piece of shit, man. I'm like, oh, okay. Like, what did he do?

Did he like do like a sex crime or something? And he's like, oh, no, he just thumbs down a joke I did in a chat like two years ago. I'm like, oh, okay. I guess I understand that, you know. Not all of them can be winners. Thomas, what are you looking at, bro? I was looking at my phone. Why are you doing that?

We have a fucking job to do. You started talking about Twitter and I started checking it. I was looking at my phone, seeing what my notifications were. Yeah, stop. It's kind of my job, dude. Hey, here's an idea. We need to run for office soon. Mm-hmm.

But we need to... We're doing the acting thing. I'm telling you, we're getting our head shots. Right. You are for sure. I got a lot going on, you know. I'm real busy with work. You're doing that Shia LaBeouf movie where you guys play two hunters,

and you guys find a little boy in the woods, and you're not sure what to do with him, so you kiss on him? It's where Shia LaBeouf and I are hunting, and we get to the end of the hunt, and he's like, I see it. And I'm like, what? He's like, it's there. We're looking for like a moose thing, right? And he just starts fucking me.

I'm like, you've got to be kidding me, Shia. You were going to fuck me this whole time? He says, yeah. It's called Musk of a Moose, starring Shia LaBeouf and Thomas White. It's called Shia LaBeouf fucks Thomas in the's sweet new tom cruise movie did well just wait till you see this one sweeps cans every year they just keep bringing it back it's a 15 year old movie i got a uh a friend of mine got me a furbo it's like a you know what it is it like yeah it's like that that fox tail that goes up your ass like a corkscrew and then you can sitbo it's like uh you know what it is it like yeah it's like that that fox tail that

goes up your ass like a corkscrew and then you can sit on it you can bounce like tigger around the apartment it's really hard it makes you come all a lot and squirt all over the walls and come in your own mouth and swallow it that is exactly what it is in fact i'm glad that you gave such a vulgar description of it because i don't think people that listen to the show know what a furbo is. But my buddy did give me that. He was like, hey, man, I could tell that you're tense in your life. So I got you one of these. Oh, it's the it's like a camera.

You can like talk to your dog or whatever. And it shoots treats like it launches them or whatever. But my dog's kind of she's not stupid. She's pretty stupid. but my dog's kind of she's not stupid she's pretty stupid um like the dog is supposed to like get associate the sound of the with like a treats coming and then they'll like back up and then like you know catch the treat or whatever she has a new uh a really interesting tactic where she'll just kind of put her head under it at an angle and it'll just bounce off her head and land like right in front of her feet and then she'll just eat it off the floor so she doesn't have to chase after the treat which is like that yeah that i

that is my dog like you don't do the thing that the something is designed to do you find a much easier route to get a reward and then even if that is an annoying thing that causes you a little bit of pain it's fine because the easiest route is route is much better than figuring out whatever the fuck it is you're actually supposed to be doing. Like putting together that bed last night, I just kind of drilled shit into holes until the bed frame worked. You're going to sleep on it, so let me know how it works. Oh, I'm going to test it out

for sure. Because I will be beaten off in there. And I will be... I can't jack off unless I'm jumping on the bed. I hope you know. That's not true. bed I hope you know That's not true But I You know I appreciate you giving me a place to stay No problem man

You know The city condemned my house They said You've got Too many rascals in there Rascal flats Did you know the Life is a Highway was a cover? Yeah it's like an old pop song, isn't it?

Something like that. I guess it was just me, old Thomas out of the loop. Dumb motherfucker. Stupid ass bitch. Oh. What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm 28. So I feel like it's over, you know?

No, man, you got a lot of time ahead of you. Life is long, you know? People would say life is shorter. Yeah, man, you're not even halfway there yet, most likely. I don't know. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a wrestler. I really, really wanted to be in the WWE so bad. You've got the joints for it.

That is true. Then I wanted to be a lawyer, and then I wanted to be a wrestler, and then an actor, and then a lawyer. And then now I'm doing this. All of those could still happen. For sure. Yeah, all of those could still happen. For sure. Yeah, all of those could happen. Yeah, I could be the first tripple.

If you have a master's degree, getting into law school would be easy. Yeah, I could fake my way into that like I did everything else. I don't know, man. I think podcasting is basically it. This is the most amount of effort I'm willing to put into just about anything. What if Cypress Hill offered for you to be a new member of Cypress Hill? What would you do? Dude, I would eat that up.

Are you serious? Going to the store to smoke some weed, hanging out with my dad. And, you know, like, of course, like all their raps are like, I ate an Oreo. It was crazy cool like that shit would rock and then i would probably be the guy who sings hits from the bong oh yeah the hype man it's like smoke weed no i would only be willing to perform on that one song i don't know the other ones that well like so that would be my only i I would ask for, you know, more than two thirds of the profits. Yeah.

But I'll be the, it's from the bong guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's a sweet spot. If you're in Cypress Hill, it's a designated hits from the bong guy.

Wasn't flavor Flav, basically like just a hype man for, uh, for Chuck D. Yeah. Um, yeah. I don't know if he did any production or what

because like he said he said he got like fucked over right but what work did he do well so like i i thought from my understanding like he's more famous than chuck d but because of pop culture like he didn't like because of like because of like movie stuff and then flavor of love and then he had that uh that one single that was on breaking bad oh what the fuck does that uh onga bonga bonga g onga bonga bonga g i said boom bong bong bong bong bong like that fucking stupid ass like gibberish song that was like big in the 90s or whatever fucking stupid ass like gibberish song that was like big in the 90s or whatever well let's see he has six grammy nominations which is well i am way off on that but uh well that's uh all from public enemy i didn't know public enemy had any grammy nominations

he's in the rock and roll hall of Fame. Talk about coasting, man. Yeah, just do Flavor of Love after a brief hiatus or whatever. And the clock thing, I guess that gave him a little bit of gas. He's a cousin of ODB, RZA, and GZA of Wu-Tang Clan. Oh, that'll do it. Yeah, that'll do it.

But he's also like a skilled musician. He plays 15 instruments. He's basically Prince, only not as suave. Or dead. I did not know that about him. He was also an old graffiti guy. Oh, that's sick. And an old chef.

Man, the motherfucker's a jack of all trades. Interesting. And that old chef. Man, the motherfucker's a jack-of-all-trades. Interesting. And that's funny. So apparently Rick Rubin wanted to sign Chuck D, but just Chuck D, because he had, like everyone else, no idea what Flavor Flav was contributing.

And Chuck D was like, nah, it's a package deal. He was like, whatever, dude. Fucking goddamn. Fine, bring your fucking weird-ass, twitchy, like, 110-pound friend. I told you when, fucking, we saw Viper. Yeah.

Yeah, that was a fucking... He brought his beats on a CD, and one of his hype men was just drinking a Four Loko in a bar that he brought from a gas station. What are we reading about, dude apparently yeah apparently um that's funny yeah apparently like basically his whole career was like him and chuck d like doing shows and other people being like hey we're like serious political rappers what is this guy doing here and chuck d being like no

he's like part of the group but he was just like a stage presence yeah yeah he was just fun to have around yeah that's perfect dude that is honestly so meant to just like contribute nothing except like good vibes but like you have no real concrete like i guess involvement in anything you know yeah and apparently he like thought he got fired from public enemy in 2020 because he disapproved of them of like chuck d like playing at a bernie sanders that's event and then there was like a hoax where somebody convinced Flavor Flav he got fired, but he didn't. And he was like, whatever, I quit.

And Chuck D was like, dude, you didn't get fired. And he was like, okay. Fine. You got me. I've been got. You know, that's how we're going to be in 20 years whenever you're playing shows for, you know,

John Fetterman's grandkids or whatever. And I'm just an old wench. Dude, the back and forth between, like, the accounts ran by. I thought Oz was, like, people got mad at me on Twitter because I was like, I didn't know he was Muslim. I thought he was Mormon. People were like, his name is Mehmet Oz, and he's from Turkey. Bigot much?

And I was like, dude, he is a piece of shit. Okay, let's clear that up. It's more bigoted to be like, this is what, some kind of fucking Arab guy? Yeah. Muslim? People were like, Mehmet, ever heard of it? And I'm like, no, I haven't. And they're like, Mehmet, which is it? And I'm like, no, I haven't. And they're like,

uh, Mehmet, which is a Turkish version of Muhammad, stupid idiot. And I'm like, you would, you Googled that. You didn't know what that was.

And if you did get fucked, eat shit, suck my dick from the back on soft from scratch, et cetera, so on and so forth. I didn't know. I thought Dr. Oz was like a name like Oprah.

Like it's like a TV name, right? I don't give a fuck. It's a TV. her name, right? I don't give a fuck. It's a TV name. It's named Oprah Winfrey. I don't give a shit. It's a TV name. What is it?

Some magic made-up name like Precious? What is it? Like Adam Sandler? Come on. Yeah. No, like, I just... Conan O'Brien? I, like, I didn't know.

And so, anyway, like, the fucking... His account is like John Fetterman, more like John John fucking loser. Better than my pussy, and he's fucking me. And then John Fetterman is like, you are stupid. I don't know, man.

The political landscape of that race is very funny. I like people being like, not that he's going to lose, but people being like, yeah, this is like the most important part of the election is that he gets ratioed. Yeah. Well, there's this idea that somehow like whoever's running the social media, like them being funny online, like translates to votes or whatever, which I don't really think it moves the needle. Maybe a few, but like the Republican base isn't going to be like, oh, you know what? You dunked on him. Yeah, you got his ass, so we're actually voting for Fetterman now. Yeah, he wears Carhartt and goes to—

I think they should both be publicly executed. I 100% agree with that. Not for any political reason. One, for being overweight, and the other for being a doctor. Yeah, the two types of people i hate the most uh no i like the the idea that uh that you can post your way i don't even know if the federman guy like knows what a dunk is i'm pretty sure whoever runs it's like a 20 year old like political science major from wvu they make him do tiktoks and he looks it's rough dude it's like a imagine like a pipe foreman doing like

like the most like fucking like hungover like i hate my wife pipe for me and like i'm running uh welcome i i'm serving cunt in the state of Pennsylvania. I'm putting my whole pussy into this election. I want you to know that on period, we will be passing a minimum wage. And that is on FOMM. And that is gang cunt sis. Thank you. I want him to tell Dr. Oz to go back to africa yeah that would be good hey dr oz go back to africa man yeah just go back just go back to fucking africa you dork loser

uh we should call the doctor is dr oz he's a cardiothoracic doctor. Completely made up, just like a chiropractor. Like a guy who does like chest surgery. Yeah, not real. Cardio doctor? What, do you fucking, you want to administer some push-ups to me? Some jump rope? Dumbass? He looks like Mitt Romney to me. They just kind of have the same like, honey honey, I'm home type fucking, like, stupid, goofy-ass look that pisses me the fuck off.

But apparently he's Turkish and apparently I'm racist. You know, it happens sometimes. That's just how it goes, you know? I mean, what are you going to do? Sometimes in life you're just a depressed guy. And you don't, you know. Life is a really hard game. And, you know, being white and a guy it's like playing like life on expert mode yeah uh and so you know because a lot of

times you know when you're a dude and you just sort of meander your way through life people expect things of you but all you want to do is podcast and like make, like, ramen and, you know, eat brisket, buy a 75-inch TV. Yeah, you know, I just want to, like, steal cars and, like, and, like, dig up holes in the dirt. Do you think you would have been a good outlaw, like a frontier outlaw? Like, do you think you could have, like, been, like, a Jesse James type, like a Butch Cassidy type? I feel like...

No. Back then, if you had, like, a 92 IQ, because everybody else was rocking, like, 82... I mean, realistically speaking, I would have just died of asthma. Yeah, okay. On the trail, like, a big dust storm would have kicked in. It would have just killed me. A hundred percent, yeah. Like, a real dust storm would have kicked in it would have just killed me 100% yeah a little child for sure now could i have i mean i think i would have been okay for the most part in most areas just because for some reason all all like my great grandparents

everyone lived to be like 100 yeah but i would have been kind of a bitch about it like everybody i say that i would have done cool things but like that's just your own hubris or whatever yeah yeah it's like people in my family i know that there aren't dumb people but like there's you know there's some pretty smart people in my family and they tend to just do regular things for the most part yeah yeah same i don't think i would have been the next fucking jesse james i think maybe you know i would have made a nice living for myself as like just uh like a guy who runs a steel mill or something teacher or something i don't know i i would like to think that you know if given the opportunity, because I've always thought like robbing banks back then was like, because like before cameras and like CCTV and like alarms and shit, it was like, can you just run fast? And can you like shoot? Which like, I can't run. Well, you know,

I've answered my own question. I can't run very fast and my wrist locks if I shoot too much. I guess I've answered my own question in that regard. But, like, Billy the Kid was all gimpy, weird-looking, but I think that added to his charm. Maybe they didn't kill him for that reason. But, you know, in my mind, I would have been a good outlaw, like a pretty boy Floyd type, you know, big-faced Nelson. I would have been a good, like, Jack the Ripper type, like, that guy.

Yeah, it's like, oh, what would you do if you go back in time? Would you kill Hitler? It's like, no, I think I would be like a Jack the Ripper type. You know, it'd be super easy. Like a prolific killer of women. I genuinely, this is maybe my own hubris.

I feel like I could get away with killing like several people. Yeah, I mean, I... Probably not New York City or whatever. like i could get away with killing like several people yeah i mean i probably not new york city or whatever yeah but like in the like in the panhandle like just put up put up triple doubles just like in like 1896 just like gas stations you drive to and it's like oh i could just you could kill me or i could kill you i mean yeah yeah when i was up here after you get past georgetown on 35 like in between when i'm going up to fort worth to do like we hang out or whatever like dude i could pull off on any one of these towns and i feel like you stab somebody

and just get back in the car and like keep going you know like it wouldn't really matter to anybody but that's just you know intrusive thoughts don't work as much as they do on tv no i didn't know yeah like when you grow up watching so like my my meemaw rip in peace meemaw uh she loved procedural crime dramas so like as a kid i thought like the way that the justice system worked when it came to like murder and rape was like a guy does it and then a detective goes to like a shipyard and he interviews like a skinny fucking cracked out looking dude and the detective's like I got your number and it's curtains and it's over for you and the guy's like I didn't do it it wasn't me and then like 30 minutes goes by and then they get him they got case closed inside like half an hour and then like I started like watching like i were reading about

like prolific murderers or whatever guys like ed kemper and shit just reading on them it's like nah man it's unless you like get cocky or like you want to get caught there was like an era where you could just like straight up it's just you know it they don't really try that hard but they try you know but like if they don't have your dna or like a body like you can basically do whatever you want you know like the golden state killer guy i've talked about on here before he guy was like working in his tomato garden he killed like a whole bunch of people and then like 30 years later they got him you know swat like kicked his door and he was like listening to fucking johnny carson and shit not saying it's a good idea to do it you know don't kill people like yeah but if you want to like it's not that big of a deal like the whole thing about like oh you know a case goes cold

after you know the first three or four days or whatever like if they don't get a lead it's like with detectives are typically a pretty overworked so it's like if they don't get a lead on a murder in like the first week they're like i gotta close this one sorry you know sorry your daughter exploded or whatever you know they found her in an oil drum but you know shit sucks we gotta move on from this guy but that's just that dude you know what that's america ain't that america if it was my america you could only get away with murder if you had a really good reason. Like they pissed you off. Or like you were mad. Or like they fired you.

Or like they looked at you weird. Or if you didn't like the way they looked. Like if they shoulder checked you accidentally in Trader Joe's because they were looking at their phone. Yeah, it would make things more interesting. Yeah. I mean, you know. I feel like... That's a way to make people not worry about school shootings. It's like...

Yeah, everybody's getting killed constantly now. So it's like... It's just part of life at this point, except it. It's in the same vein as that. Some... Dude, i say some some people in my family are like this there's like a point of pride in being a texan where people are like yeah you step one toe over my property line and i can fucking kill you i can blow i can fucking

put a hole in your chest and i can fucking end your life boy boy. And that's how it should be. And it's like, I don't, I don't, I like people that are like, yeah, you know what? If, if you approach my car and I fear for my life, I can put a whole Glock clip through the door and fucking cripple you. And you might've just wanted it a dollar or a cigarette or something, but I don't know that. Like the self-defense stand your ground like uh no duty to retreat laws in texas florida too are like comedically hilarious i mean it's morbid

because it's people like gun deaths and shit violence or whatever but people that are like yeah i know the way it should be is that if i get spooked and a little scary i should be able to just just let the glock bark in the middle of a residential neighborhood and you know potentially kill a whole bunch of people and you know God loves that I do that and I will be exonerated in a court of law I actually disagree with doing that

I don't think it's a good idea well you know no one cares what you think what if somebody just got a brand new TV and you shoot it dude honestly if somebody fucked with my new 75-inch, it's curtains. It's all over. When you say your new 75-inch,

do you mean your TV? That's what I figured. I do mean my television. I don't mean anything else. I couldn't think of anything else that you would mean by that. Yeah, I got a 75-inch. By your new black 75-inch. Yeah.

Jake's got a black TV, which is normal. I've got one, too. Nowadays, people don't even think twice about it. I'd let any amount of black TVs into my home. Back in the day, everything you'd get was white TVs. Yeah, white TVs. Times have changed. I'd let my daughter have a black TV.

Anyway. What did you have for dinner, Jakey, Jakey, Jake, Jake? I made steak tacos. Pretty good. Sirloin. We had ribeye the other night, so I didn't want to go too fancy. Do you use the cast iron? Because I got a new one.

Mint. So fucking delicioso. Did some Spanish rice, some refried beans. It's pretty fucking good, man. Drank like two big cups of cold brew. Took a nap. It is probably not good. I think I'm back up to nearly like, nearly 1,000 milligrams again, like, of caffeine per day.

Somewhere like that, probably 700, 800. I had, like, done pretty good there for a bit, tried to taper off, but we're back in the fucking saddle. You know how she goes. You know how it is. Yeah, dude, you need to work on that or you're going to have heart failure. I need you to fucking stop with whatever it is you think you're doing. Giving me advice. Dude, I'm trying to save you. going to have heart failure. I need you to fucking stop with whatever it is you think you're doing. Giving me advice. Dude, I'm trying to save you.

I'm saving your body. I'm making it healthy and strong. I'm molding it into what I want it to be. No, you don't mold anything. You don't do... I'll mold your ass. No, you won't. Stupid butt. You won't do anything to my butt cheeks. Dude, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to spank you. You're going

to drive three and a half hours to spank my butt? Yeah. I don't know the address, but I'll drive to your old apartment and I'm going to spank whoever lives there now. It's just the maintenance guy just cleaning the carpet. Look, man. Yeah, you bitch. Yeah, you fucking. This is what you get for what my friend did.

He said mean things to me on our hee-hee show. Yeah. Sorry, I have a headache. Sorry, Bubba. You gonna be all right? Yes, I'm fine. Quit asking about it. I'm fine.

I'm gonna be okay. I stole some cactus today. Did you from the home garden center or what? No, from my college oh okay that's pretty good some like like was it like planted or just like was it in like a pod or some shit it was planted and i just it was huge though i just popped off a couple of like pods oh okay that's fine i feel like that's the. There's room in the backpack. No, it wasn't, like, noticeable. Yeah.

But I stood there for, like, 30 minutes debating it, like, should I? Is this immoral? No. It's fine. No, I think it's fine. You're good, man. And eventually I was like, you're going to do this, right? You're just going to end up doing this.

Just go ahead and do it. No, that's totally normal to steal from you. yeah steal a person if you want man who gives a fuck i mean it's not even you know i'm really stealing yeah in a way but prickly pear is kind of expensive nurseries a lot of times by expensive i mean more than i want to pay for it yeah like because like i drive down to Central Texas, it's just growing everywhere. Yeah. I'm like, I don't want to pay $25 for this. I remember reading, do you know what Arrow it is?

It's like the drug forum from like... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I used to go on there to read about different people's LSD experiences. And one guy was like, you know, I was probably like 14, and he was like this long thread where it's like 14 and he was you know it's like this long thread where it's like you can buy hallucinogenic cactus at lowe's and people were like what he was like yeah you can buy san pedro like cactus pods at lowe's and it grows like a fruit similar to like not a fruit but whatever the fuck peyote is and uh you know it was like

went into this whole thing he's like he'd like is he like giving trip reports and like dosages and he's like now at the very end here's the kicker he's like by the way san pedro takes like 10 to 15 years to produce the hallucinogenic the hallucinogenic effect so like he was telling people like dude it was probably like a 2000 word entry on like you're gonna want to look for this specific crossbreed because you know it fruits better and the trip experience is better and the taste has got like a kind of a sweetness to it you know it makes a really good like jam and you know it's like the best trip you can get all this fucking like druggie hippie bullshit burning man shit he was going into and then like yeah like the last paragraph he's like oh by the way um don't expect you know your fruit you know to to pot or anything like with in a short time

span this is an investment into your spiritual health so you're gonna want to wait a decade and a half to like so if you go by Lowe's and you get a San Pedro cactus now, by the time that Miami is underwater due to climate change, you could probably get yourself a nice little trippy trip. By the time it flowers, it's like, oh, I don't do drugs anymore. Yeah, I'm 45. I don't really, you know, this ship sort of sailed for me in that regard i feel like that's really what's at the core of a lot of like

trip advice or whatever it's like so what you want to do is like you need to buy some bitcoin and like you're gonna send it to a guy who's not gonna send you anything in return he's just a scammer and then like you like go to your mom's house to see if she has salvia if she does you like eat a bunch of it and you throw up and you think you're gonna die and then that's like technically hallucinogenic um and then you're gonna like have diarrhea for like three days and you're gonna uh call your ex-girlfriend a whore, even though you haven't talked to her in three years because it's got bad after effects. My favorite trip reports were the guys who would wax poetic about DMT or mushrooms or peyote, masculine, whatever the fuck. whatever the fuck right like they would write these like two or three thousand word entries on like you know the the revelations and epiphanies they had you know the internal fucking strife and

struggle that was you know the slate was wiped clean by this age-old medicine and then you'd read like a 50 word entry on coke the guy would be like yeah i took about an eight ball to the dome i jacked off for like three and a half hours. I watched like seasons one through three of Simpsons. And I drank about, I don't know, 22 Bud Lights. And then I went to work the next day. It's pretty awesome. I recommend do it. And I was like, I would like read because I was like super invested.

Because like at the time when I first one of the first drugs I got into in high school was like it was acid. So I was like obsessed with like reading about these people's experiences, and I wanted to see if I had any similar ones, and oftentimes I did. But you got this. There were two types of druggies on air. This is back in the day. This is mid to late 2000s. And some of these posts, five, six years old.

So fucking early 2000s, late 90s or whatever, people are like, yeah, man, you know, after my divorce, man, I was just heartbroken, and, you know, she took the kids, and she took half, and I'm paying alimony, and I had this stress in my heart I was thinking about ending it all. I just had a little bit of peyote, a little bit of grandfather of the desert, and it, like like basically wiped all that shame free brother and then a guy named like tugging on it 4429 is like i smoke so much ice

i'm at big bird outside of a stripes in mexico and he sucked me clean off in the bathroom and i just got right back into peterbilt and drove all the way to curdle lane idaho it was awesome it was the best experience i've ever had and i'm like okay this is two types of two types And I just got right back into Peterbilt and drove all the way to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. It was awesome. It was the best experience I've ever had. And I'm like, okay, this is two types of drugs. Or the guys who, like, would review opiates, which, like, there's nothing to say about them. They rock. The reviews would be like, I nodded off.

It ruined my life. Ten out of ten. I lost about six years of my life there. You know, heroin is super sick. I do not recommend getting into it because you will start to suck dick for it like two years in. But the first two years, man, it's pretty awesome. You know, you feel like Kurt Cobain or whatever. I love heroin, dude.

You can look up how to make like crack and meth on there and, you know, like quaaludes and shit. But, yeah, you learn how to make quaaludes yeah you can they gotta i haven't saved on my laptop from like i see so like uh i actually know here's the thing the recipe i had on a rip drive and it's been through two laptops i've had over the last like 15 years so when i was in high school uh i was fucking around on Arrowhead. And this guy, I was reading about like people who had found like old UK Quaaludes because they outlawed it a little bit later. And then you had a funny name, Mandrake. I forget what it's called. Anyway, I was just reading about it. I was like, damn, this shit sounds fucking sick.

And then in one of the forum things, this guy was like, hey, I have a way back. So Arrowhead had removed it. But he was like, I have a way back so Erwin had removed it but he was like I have a way back link somebody had posted how to make it on here you can find it and I was like this is I'm gonna click on this dude step by step where to get everything almost everything can be bought at automotive stores like or a photography like it's it's basic chemistry ingredients the guy that made it his writing is very funny. He's like, yeah, so at step nine, basically what's going to happen is you're going to put your toluene in. And then you're going to get basically the precursor, the quaalude.

Now, this step can go one of two ways. You can end up with a nice white crystalline powder, which basically is your methaqualone. Capsule that stuff up. You're good to go. The other way it goes is your house is evaporated. It's like your shed just, you know, you blow yourself up and you die. Just really hope that it's not, you know, the latter. It's, you know, the former.

But, yeah, it's a full recipe for it. Like the crack and meth ones, like, were funny because it's like, you know, people when you watch those drug shows, like those dare PSAs that are like making meth, it's as easy as making chocolate chip cookies. Only these cookies send you to jail. And you're like, oh, okay. But Quaalude recipe, I was like, that's lore. Like, that's deep. That's like a medieval, like, potion.

It's like an old housewife drug. Like, it's like when I think, like, you can,, make it meth, you can probably just Google it, you know? Like, I had never thought that somebody had a step-by-step guide on. But, yeah, it saved my fucking, it's like saved my laptop. Just in case life goes south, you know? Just in case life gets really, really bad. I think I'm smart enough to follow the steps and make a little bit of it. But I probably would just do it all.

Probably wouldn't sell any of it. But, yeah. Interesting stuff. steps and make a little bit of it but i probably would just do it all probably wouldn't sell any of it um but yeah interesting stuff um i saw on twitter a guy found a bottle of quaaludes like in his parents attic or basement that had been there like 30 years that's awesome he was like um and like all the replies were like i will will give you $1,000 for each pill. Please, God. Just name-searching Quaaludes every single day on every social media. Please, God, let this one be real. I've been to jail 15 times for trying to buy Quaaludes. I just keep meeting DA. Dude, my dad used to brag about it.

I think it's like a Gen X thing. Or like he was like Boomer Gen it. I think it's like a Gen X thing. Or like he was like boomer Gen X. He was born in like 67. He used to, dude, that motherfucker would be like, man, you know what? You guys got a lot of the same drugs. You got X. You know, that shit rocks.

And I was like, yeah, I love ecstasy. It's one of my favorite drugs. You got coke. You know, it's not as good as it used to be, but you got it. And I'm like, yeah, I love ecstasy. It's one of my favorite drugs. You got Coke. You know, it's not as good as it used to be, but you got it. And I'm like, yeah, I fucking love Coke too, Dad. He's like. Addicted to that as well. Addicted to that as well. He's like, you know, and you got your fucking opiates and shit.

I'm like, all right. Make your point fast. Happy Thanksgiving. He's like, one thing you little motherfuckers didn't get, and y'all are fucking SOL, Quaaludes. God damn, let me fucking tell you. Them motherfuckers.

You bored Tuesday night. You know what? You don't want to drink. You ain't know what to do. You pop a couple of them. You wake up fucking next Monday. I'm like, that doesn't particularly sound... Sounds like one of the worst things that could happen to me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You don't know what you did. You have no idea.

And you feel fucking great. You feel like God. And I'm like, I mean, you know what? I am curious because it's sort of the forbidden fruit of drugs. But I mean, I'm kind of glad I feel like a lot of them are forbidden fruit, you know. Yeah, that's true. Son, I was fine with you doing heroin for nine years, but I hear you do these Quaaludes. Come on now. Yeah, I was fine with you sucking dick for crack, but, you know, this Quaalude stuff, it's pretty wacky. What did I tell you? Stick to what comes from the earth. You know, meth, crack, fentanyl.

PCP, ketamine. Have you ever done ketamine? I have not. I wanted to really bad back in the day Now even when I'm off probation I don't think I want to that bad That's my cup It is your cup, yeah

That's fine, I have more of them You told me I could keep it, I called you about it I didn't care about the cup anymore I was down the street, I was at the gas station next to your house You were like, you can throw it away Or you can keep it, man man who fucking cares it's a cup um yeah the fucking uh what the fuck are we talking about quaaludes quaaludes yeah uh anyway i don't i don't remember where the conversation was going but uh yeah i got a quaalude recipe, and we're kicking it off.

Oh, ketamine. Yeah. Ketamine, yeah. Yeah, we were fucking. Dude, I was coming from work. I was working at this bar called The Aquarium on 6th Street, which is this, like, fratty bar. Anyway, it doesn't matter. And it looks just like Coke, dude.

Like, it really fucking, they should. I've seen it. Yeah, they should turn the powder green or something. Because it, like, it's kind of fish scaly, too. Like, blow like the powder is. Anyway, this fucking girl that was at the bar where it was, like, there. She was dating a, no, I wouldn't call him a friend. Anyway, she had it. And I was like, oh, I'm going to get a bump no i wouldn't call him a friend anyway she had it

and i was like i'm gonna get a bump but i didn't i just thought it was blow and she was like oh yeah and i took a key and i was like you know she's like that was a really really big bump of ketamine and i was like oh i gotta go to my car like immediately i was like because i had never really done it before. Ever. And I'd heard, you know, that too much can put you in a K hole. And I had heard about what a K hole is and it didn't sound good. And I had to drive on the freeway,

like 20 minutes home. So I was like, I got to get in my car and I got to go now because I don't know what's going to happen to me. But when you snort shit, it's like practically immediate. So like I get to the park, I get to the parking garage.

Have you ever seen Get Out, the movie? The Jordan Peele scary movie? No. There's a thing in the movie called The Sunken Place. Basically, the guy is watching himself do stuff from a pulled-away shot in space, and he's watching his body move around and be moved. I was in my car just looking at my steering wheel and my body was like. Break.

Reverse. Steering wheel. Bluetooth. Phone. And I was like, OK, here are your options. You can sit in this parking lot and wait for this to pass. Or you can get on the road road and just see what happens. Dude, I sat in that parking lot.

It was like we got out of the when you're bouncing, you don't get out of work. I mean, I didn't get out of work until like 3. Did I sit in that parking lot until like 6 in the morning? No music, no phone, just vibes. Just absolute. And it wasn't a feeling that i like i just felt it's like a dis uh this is so i don't i don't know it was very strange i was completely disconnected from myself and this was almost 10 years ago um and so when the drug had a resurgence in popularity like the

last three years like people do it as like a like uh like people do it at clubs and shit i was like how maybe i took too much but like i would be at uh like i would be bouncing at how i was working security at a bar on uh like three years ago while i was in grad school and uh i would go like a couple bars over if it was slow and i would you know get a beer and a shot you know fucking whatever hang out people are doing ketamine and they're like, do you want to bump a kid? I'm like, I don't do drugs no more. Also, how the fuck are you doing ketamine right now? Last time I was in hell and they were like, oh, it's awesome. I just completely veg out and I can't talk to anybody for like six hours.

I'm like that. All right. You know, whatever. That's terrible dog shit. But yeah, ketamine is bad. Don't do it kids um it's really stinky uh only the kind of weird uh like people with uh fucking like invented names like girls who are like oh my name is raven uh girls like that do it and then guys that are

like into like wearing like rasta like uh belts do it like i like it you know if you do a drug like on a regular enough basis i feel like one part of that is convincing yourself that you're like the same on and off yeah and i remember like i would do asses and then like go out in public and be like no this is like how i normally am. Yeah. I go up to a cashier, like stumble over, and she's like, it'll be $195. I'm like, hmm. Yeah. One. Dot.

Nine. Five. Five. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Money. Money in the bank.

Do you have, how many currencies do you have? Can I trade Forex here at the 7-Eleven? Don't do that, man. No, I wasn't. I thought, like, for a long time that I was just like, because when you do blow, you're like, For a long time that I was just like, because when you do blow, you're like, I'm the coolest, funniest, smartest guy that ever lived. And, you know, anyone here in this room is subject to my power.

And then, like, and you do that drug long enough for a certain amount of years and you get off of it. And then you meet people who are coked out, and you're not. And you're like, dude, someone should have killed me. Yeah. Someone should have fucking killed me. You think you're better socially, and you're not. You're just too much there. Yeah. You're yelly.

You're red. You're sweaty. You're like, yeah, you know, here's the thing, man, about NASCAR is when they go fast around the corner they're they're going fast dude and then when you think about like like the turns and like the ratio of the speed and power and you're like i could do that in fact i'm thinking about taking driving lessons and and i'm sitting there listening to this guy talk about this and i'm like i i want to i want to knock you out where you stand but you're a friend of mine so i'm just going to call you gay and i'm going to go like i'm going to go yeah i remember telling people i was thinking about training to be a fighter whenever i was like 230 pounds

because i used to do the same things in like sheds yeah i did the same i was like man i'm pretty good i can only i can only fight for like 10 seconds before i'm super tired but i actually have a lot of power for a guy who's the same weight as like uh two pit bulls i would like talk about mixed martial arts when i was like 260 and like doing coke all the time i would talk about like like doing jujitsu and like boxing and stuff but my friends that knew me knew that i used to do it but i would be high on coke at parties and I would be like yeah yeah I've been doing it a long time you know and like my roommate would be like he would overhear and like on the way I was like did you tell that girl that like you do that you've been doing like

muay thai for like 10 years I'm like well technically I have he was like no you told me you started when you were like 17 and then you got really fat after and so you did it like consistently for like two years and then like for six months again and then you gained 80 pounds and then this is sort of where you're at now at 24 i was like yeah but like you know like i still do it and he's like i have not seen you wrap your hands once in five years that i've been your friend and i'm like well you know like i mean i could get back in there and still be just as good and he's like dude i've watched you climb stairs and you get sick at the top like it's not even that you're out of breath like like you get sick like you get quarter like a paleish green and you like dry heave and i'm like dude you're just busting my balls and he's like no i just need

you to understand how goofy it sounds to like you're macking on somebody you're just busting my balls. And he's like, no, I just need you to understand how goofy it sounds. To like, you're macking on somebody. You're like, yeah, I could probably fight. I could cut weight. And you think it sounds cool because you're on coke. But you're a fat, fat fuck. A sweaty, fat guy telling a girl who doesn't care about you that you used to do Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Which nobody cares. But because you're high on coke in your mind you're like yeah i'm john wick i'm 270 pound john my girls wanna they wanna fuck

like jason bourne that's why they're at parties yeah girls are really into cia agents and like guys with cauliflower ear that's who they're into you know uh i would just like i like the the delusions of like obviously like the cliche joke is like the small business plans like you're talking with your buddy and you're like all right muslim-owned food truck enchiladas good all right i'm gonna take out 150 000 a year alone we're gonna make this happen but more than anything i would just like like just like lie to strangers just like yeah yeah no it's like uh i got this deal in the works um basically so like matt groenig's retiring and they're gonna make me the head writer of the simpsons and people be like that that really like how did you get that gig and i was like well you know i posted on twitter

like every day for like 15 years and somebody followed me that that was like a head right at simpson they're like dude matt saw your post man about like going to the store and jacking off in the bathroom and he thinks you can like really capture homer so we're gonna start you off at a half a million dollars a year and then basically you're gonna take his spot and we're gonna reboot futurama and you're gonna do all the voices just a lot just just Just complete delusional nonsense. Yeah, just telling people you're starting like six businesses when you have $20 total. Yeah, six businesses that were – you started them yesterday and Forbes 500 is already calling like today. Like you did 10 years worth of growth in like 45 minutes and you're like, yeah.

Now, again, my friends would overhear this stuff and they're like dude nobody has ever called you about anything like nobody's called you about you have no job right now you are you know and i'm like well somebody's gonna call i could go back out there though i could get a job yeah i could get any job i wanted to but right now i'm just playing the field i think like trying to be at bars and parties, I remember I cringe at it. How trying to flirt. Because I don't know how to flirt or talk in a romantic way to people. Like, hey, what do you like to do?

But on Coke, I was like, hey. So I don't know if you knew this, but, you know, Abraham Lincoln was shot at Kennedy Theater and shot at the Lincoln Theater. And I my my granddad's named John F. Kennedy, and I am related to him. And then, you know, that person's like like i really need to go so far away and it was never like i just like i think it was just already sort of being kind of manic and then doing a drug that kind of accelerates mania to the point where you're like you're no longer on planet earth yeah i would i would kind of like have a joke in my head. And I was like, this is going to land. And then I'd be like, yeah, you're really fat.

And then I would just kind of be like, hmm. Better walk away from this one. Kind of. Dude, I. Not sure what I was going for there. Here's the thing. I like, I would do that shit sober. Like my buddy, one of my old roommates.

I would do that shit sober. Like, my buddy, one of my old roommates, his ex-girlfriend had came to a party that we were throwing. And they were, like, kind of, like, trying to put things back together. But he was out getting some strange on the sly, as they say. And, you know, she comes up to me. She's like, where's Frank? And I was like, oh, I think he's having sex with some girl like next door and she just starts crying and my other roommate jared comes up to me he goes dude what the fuck is wrong with you he's like are you high right now like how much fucking coke have you

snorted like do you not know how to talk to people and i'm like no i just didn't want to lie to her and he's like lie like just say he went to the store. Like, she's just left in tears. And I'm like, that's her problem, man. Like, what the fuck? Like, I don't have anything to do with that. And he's like, dude, you're a fucking real asshole. And I'm like, I know. But like, you know, like, what?

You know, they're broken up. And he's like, dude, they broke up like a day ago. And I was like, just this shit would happen like that. Where like somebody would be like, oh, you know, like, like somebody that I had met or whatever. They would be like, dude, man, like, Jake, bro, it's so nice to see you again. And I'm like, hey, man, I'm just keeping a book. I don't know. I don't know your name.

Like, oh, that's that's hurtful, man. And I'm like, you know, it's just the way she goes. I guess like and that was, I think, this like a byproduct of like, you know,'s just the way she goes i guess like and that was i think this like a byproduct of like you know again cocaine like cocaine makes you think you're cool enough to be like yeah i don't remember you bro i'm kind of an a-lister in life i have nine dollars in my checking account and i chain smoke cigarettes so you know it's it's just sort of like a lifestyle but yeah yeah i didn't know i remember a few years ago like um like we were hanging out or whatever made a few friends and like

one of my friends buddies who i was like also buddies with or whatever but like we talked shit here and there or whatever he like showed up and then like left a few minutes later oh that's weird you know i want to stay and my buddy was like no last time we hung out you like just told him to his face you didn't like him yeah dude yeah and that you didn't want to see him you said you did you said you hated him yeah like you told that to him and i was like i did not i didn't say that and they were like you you did absolutely said that's why he's reacting in this way he just doesn't want to start shit with you yeah right now it's just you know you don't want to go to a party and just start

shit with people he's not that kind of guy yeah i was like i don't have a problem with him and they're like well you you've created one you tried to fist fight your friend yeah i'm like i that doesn't seem like something i do it's like like, again, maybe it doesn't, but it's what you did. I apologize like last year for that. I was like, hey, just so you know, I know this was like three years ago. I've never had a problem with you. I legitimately am not sure why I said that. And he was like, you're good, man.

We kind of figured that out later that there was no issue ever. You just kind of say things. I would wake up with this immense sense of anger at myself and shame, and nobody in the house would be talking to me. All my best friends and my roommates. This was a pretty regular occurrence, two, three times a month.

And I would wake up and I'm like, hey man, Sunday, let's get after it and you know like like let's fucking like let's tap the keg man let's keep it gone people be like uh what do you remember about last night bro and i was like not a fucking thing but that's a sign that you know we really threw down didn't it and everybody's like you um basically sat on the couch and pointed everyone and said you were going to quote ko everyone where they sit called us all huge pussies told us to kill ourselves and then took the eight ball that was meant for the party and went in your room and locked the door and i was like oh yeah i didn't mean any of that and they're like it doesn't

really matter that you didn't mean it you know it's just like a thing that you do with somewhat regularity so maybe just like keep an eye on that and I'm like man you know drugs they make you you know they make you fucking crazy they make you crazy you know they make you super you know compassion

they're like yeah man we all do cocaine and we get a little rowdy but like you know you were telling you know you were telling a random guy at a party that like no one's going to remember him when he dies. And he started to look at you weird. And you were like, hey, if you look at me like that again, I'm going to pull your fucking jaw off like an ape. And he just like got in the Uber and left. He's like a friend of mine, actually. I was like a friend of yours.

Yeah. You guys, he's in your class. Like y'all have hung it you sold him drugs a bunch of times y'all went to a concert together yeah it just like when you that like uh and sunday's scary like you wake up and you're like i was a dickhead like especially like if if like you if i took like xanax or whatever like you're like i think i said something mean to somebody i really care about but again it happened to me or whatever, like you're like, I think I said something mean to somebody I really care about. But again,

it happened to me a lot too. Like I would like when a friend of mine would like, I remember one time I was driving my friend home. This is a long time friend, you know, and we're still close. We're just driving home. I took his ass home.

He's drunker than fuck. Him and his girlfriend had gotten into a fight. And, uh, like, uh, you know, I've just got some music on at a respectable level he's

like hiccuping i got a fucking i brought a plastic bag in case he puked and uh he just casually you know reaches over the volume knob turns it down and i'm like all right here's the here's where the waterworks come you know him and his old lady are fighting you know i'm gonna have to do the whole hey man you know if it needs to end it needs to end you know you just need to keep your chin up the fucking the story that you give to your boys hurting yeah and he goes hey man i just uh i got something i've been meaning to tell you i'm like all right here comes you know i already know exactly what he's like dude you're a real fucking asshole and people like you're grading to be around sometimes and uh you know you think that you're this witty guy,

but really a lot of the times you're just a fucking arrogant prick, and sometimes you annoy me to be around, and sometimes I fucking hate you. I'm like 20 years old. Dude, in my mind, I'm crushing it. I got a job. I'm in school. I got a girlfriend, and I was like,

all right, man. Tear forming. I'm like, no swag. Did I appreciate being honest with me? He's like, no, man, this isn't like one of those things where like, I'm trying to tell you to get it together. I just want you to know that you're a fucking cocky piece of shit. And like, however cool you think you are, you're a fucking loser. Fuck you. you just on 35 like 80 miles an hour and i'm like all right man and i drop him off or whatever and like the next day he texted me he's like hey man uh i don't really remember a lot i just remember i feel like we had an argument in the car and i was like yeah you called me like a pussy uh you told me that i would never like amount like none of my dreams would get fulfilled like i would never do anything cool with my life that i'd just probably be just like my dad uh but we're chill though

like we're super we're cool as fuck you know like and but again like not on him or on me like i think when you just have those types of friendships and like you know misery loves company or whatever like that shit is just like happens like i've done it people have done it to me it's like i've been at random parties where somebody i didn't know is just like i fucking don't like you and i'm like swag all right you know like i think people just you know like it just it happens i don't know i can't explain it it's like i don't want to say it's like an addict thing because i know people that are sober they're like that they're just like hey you're a fucking dickhead nobody likes you i'm like oh okay cool eat shit you know whatever but i do think if you like party a lot and you're around like a lot of

like especially like aggro dudes yeah for sure it like it's just sort of like it comes with builds up is just yeah yeah and it's always a guy who like under normal circumstances you're like yeah i'll help you come build that shelf dude no problem like it's always a guy you don't want to like be a dick to it's never just some dude who's like shoulder checked you at the party

or like it's just always some guy that's like you've known for like 10 years and you're like you're a pussy dude you're a coward God does not smile down on you

anyway you know if you're listening to this shit and you like it and you love it and you want some more of it. I try so hard, I can't rise above it. You're going to want to go over to patreon.com slash pendejotime. You can toss us a $5 to get four extra bonus episodes per month. If you give us $10, you get a video episode.

If you give us $50, really, you get everything. I'll suck your dick. No, I won't. I forgot there's people subscribed to it. If you give us $50 a month, you can get your name tossed in a hat. Yes, sir. And then what will happen is if we pull your name out of that hat, you can be third Mike for one week. Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, I don't care about it. We won't buy you a mic, but if you got one, yeah. Yeah, if you got one laying around, even if you don't, we can just do a P88 run. Yeah. Or a Matt Chrisman robot episode.

Or we do it, but we mute your audio. Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah, I like that idea. Just like, yeah, that was a good one, man. Thanks. Yeah, go on and give us some love. We got some shit that i'm not gonna announce it on this one but uh there's some shit in the works uh it'll be pretty cool when it does happen uh but until then um everybody that got a shirt uh thank you if you didn't get one and you're listening to this like we was there any issues with any returns or anything?

I got all the returns ironed out. If your shirt got sent back, it has been sent out as of today. There's a few random people here and there who didn't order one but want one. I cannot make any promises at this point. i think we're running low but we are pretty much sold out of larges and xls we have plenty dude if you want a double xl off you you can get one for sure double xl uh i think probably a smaller medium you can get still. If you want a Pandejo time, Moo Moo, basically. I would honestly, I don't want to bring this on myself, but DM me if you still want a shirt and you live in the States.

And if you don't live in the States, I will make you pay for international shipping or whatever or whatever unfortunately just because it's expensive and a pain in the ass but i i love you guys uh so i will try and figure that out here and there swag yeah uh thanks for purchasing them and thanks for listening uh bye bye bye