Pendejo Time - if it ain't fixed, don't fix it

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

Time theft tips for the common manSupport the Show.

So you were going to incriminate yourself to your former boss? No. You were going to... Anyway, I like, when I go to hardware stores, I like walking around. Okay, what I was going to say was, sometimes, you know, sometimes as a man, you're on the clock, and you legitimately do need to, on the clock, go to Lowe's and get something. Yeah. Legitimately do need to, on the clock, go to Lowe's and get something.

Yeah. Sometimes that thing is only like 15 aisles away from the miter saws. Yeah, yeah. And you think, well, I might. Before I look there, I might look over where the miter saws are and see if there's a. Yeah, see if there's a cheaper. If there's a $10 miter saws are and see if there's a what yeah see if there's a cheap there's a ten dollar if there's an eleven dollar miter saw uh for a guy like me if they're really running a heavy discount this summer for for a little boy looking for a miter saw i when i was working at

that plastics plant um the the most fucked up thing they could have done to a young fellow like me was give me a work truck. And give me off-site privileges. So, like, for, like, half the time I was there, I was, like, a mechanics apprentice. And the other half of there, I just drove the water truck. But both of them involved me having my own truck. And both of them gave me, like, off-site privileges so I could come and go as I pleased. As long as it was work-related. So, like, i don't know

we needed spark plugs for something or we needed a fucking i just drill bit that's busted well me and the old motherfucker who was the main mechanic there he he was he was chill about it too he was on level because he's like we're going to town and we're going to get a drill bit and they're not going to have it. And I was like, oh, did you call? And he's like, they're not going to have it. We're going to have to go like everyone, every store. I was like, oh, well, like I was so stupid. Also, I wasn't used to working at like he would tell me this at like 530 a.m.

Like I'm still drunk. And he's like listen man i just we're gonna have to be in a truck all day today i was like okay like i just have a feeling that every store in the 30 mile radius is not gonna have spark plugs for this welding machine i was like oh okay so we would fucking we would like go check out and you know there's like the security people or whatever up front and we'd talk to the foreman. It was like, yeah, we're going to run and get some spark plugs. And he's like, let me do the talking.

So we would go, and dude, that motherfucker would just, like, drive around Houston, roll the windows down. We were not allowed to smoke in the work truck, but he was like, what are they going to do, fire the only mechanic on site? So he would fucking chain smoke dude winston's winston reds and we would swing by like an nt well not we would swing by like an o'reilly's and we would sit in the parking lot and he would go i got a feeling man i don't got they don't got it here he would go inside come out and he's like wouldn't you know it and so we get in the car drive around go to a gas station some tacos and uh yeah it was like we would come back like two and a half hours later and like my boss was different than his boss

but we knew that we worked together and so where the fuck y'all boys been man it's been fucking two and a half hours and you know he's like an old head so he got a little bit more leeway but he's like wouldn't you know man four different fucking o'reillys none of them not not one of them had an air freshener just like something it wouldn't be an air freshener but it's like something that O'Reilly's has in stock quite a bit of it there's no air filters for any car surrounding by 200 miles and like every time my boss knew that he was full of shit but it was like because the guy was like you know the guy worked with he's a no-nonsense guy but he was no-nonsense in the sense of like when it was time to work it was time to work but if he just wasn't feeling it that day like uh he would fucking like the

walkie-talkie would come on and it's like hey we got a uh are my generators busted he would fucking twist the walkie-talkie off and he's like do you hear that i'll go uh no and he's like yeah i mean either it's like just sit in the parking lot and chain smoke winston's he would fucking uh he he would like tune it something that so like in the work truck it was just those fleet f-150s you know like every fucking job site whatever yeah, yeah. And the radio was all fucked up, I remember, in it. And he would, like, put on, it was like, it was a country station, like an old country station. But it was like not, we weren't close enough. Or maybe it was in between, I don't fucking know, he would tune to it.

And it would be like. weren't close enough or maybe it was in between i don't fucking know he would tune to it and it would be like you don't have to call me when he he would be singing the whole song like he could hear it i was like this is a this is a this guy's been doing this a long time because we're listening to half static and he's like you know i'm begging you within like mexican news would come on like friend don't tell her it's all right you know like the work trucks where you have to press like on the the dashboard like a random part of it to get the radio to work and then when you stop pressing on it it like it raises the volume and like changes yeah yeah that rules i remember dude i used to be so afraid of like of like accidentally like doing something that was

just super just super fucked up and i would just lose my job or whatever same same of course whenever i i had a work truck i would like once every few months dude and i this to me was like a cardinal sin i would i would like stop and get food on my way somewhere but with my own card and like through the drive-thru. Yeah. And like I don't even think that was against the rules. Yeah. But I'd be like dropping off a trailer or whatever and then I'd have the truck free, you know, and I'd be like, you know what?

There's a Brahms right next to this place. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get a hamburger. I'm going to get it to go and then I'm going to go to the next job site. And I'd be like, oh, man. Mission impossible. here we go. I hope the boss doesn't call and ask where I am because I'll tell him,

and then he'll say, all right, we'll see you. So, like, halfway through there, they switched me over to, I was working the water truck, so I would just go. Did you get disrespect for that? Because I feel like the stigma is that water truck guys are like pussy's bite. I didn't know if that was just like a thing you see on the internet, you know? No, so like I definitely had way more respect when I was an apprentice for the mechanic guy. And he had been with that company like 20 years and had worked on a bunch of different job sites everybody knew him people followed him he followed people he was in class so i got away with a lot

and when i went to the water truck that's like as green as you can be and they just they hired a second mechanic and i guess they just didn't need me anymore so like i was like all right whatever uh but anyway with the mechanic it was like you know fucking old country and like you know fucking that was basically it when i got on the water truck i shared that truck with a uh with a big big black woman named i don't remember her name but it was something like i don't want to make it up and sound racist, but it was cartoonish. I got you. It's okay.

Like Donna. No, I mean, you know. Like Barbara. No, I don't. There's names you haven't heard before. You know, it happens. No, I'm just being an idiot. No, I just, I don't remember it.

I don't want to be like, her name was LaQuinta N and be fucking, be an asshole. But anyway. She's listening right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was, she did not like me. I did not like her. We had beef. She was just really, really rude, which I can tolerate.

She didn't like me. She was nice to other people, but I just don't think she liked me. Because she had that truck all to herself. I know what you you're trying to do i can see the stupid grin on your face you're like she never looked at the road she was always she was yeah she would listen to medea a lot like you know like on audio i don't even know they had it on audio anyway she had that truck to herself and then she had to have me in the truck with her, or we split it sometimes. She didn't like that. Anyway, she would listen to Lil Baby or Da Baby, max volume, 545 in the morning. I just drove in complete silence from my mom's apartment to this job.

It's too early to be fucking around. Those people are ahead of the game though. Shout out if you're listening but Sean old friend and co-worker of mine. He used to always fucking listen to Jadakiss. Dude 6

a.m. sharp. It's dark out man. We're headed to the first shop site. He's listening to fucking Memphis Bleak. Yeah. I'm like, God damn, dude. What is going on in your life to be listening to NBA 2K13 music? Yeah.

And, dude, God isn't up yet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The owls are still out and shit, man. Yeah, bats are fucking around. Yeah, yeah. The owls are still out of shit, man. Yeah, bats are fucking around. But I realize as you keep working a blue-collar job,

and I say blue-collar like a job that sucks. I know blue-collar is most jobs, but you know what I mean. Yeah, a labor job that sucks dick. Being a wage slave, basically. Yeah, yeah. You get to wear like like, a cigar, like, a Marlboro Black and a cup of coffee at 4 a.m. It's like, that's a normal thing. And it's awesome, and you look forward to it.

It's like if you just ate a brick for lunch every day. I've heard, I've had a couple friends that did, like, extended stints. Like, not fucking 10 years, but, like, you know, six months or whatever in prison. And they talk about like when they talk about like, man, you get that last honey bun in the fucking vending machine and you find that cigarette that you didn't even know you had. That'll change your week. I felt that way about working at a plant. Like you go to the vending machine and there's one last bag of andy's hot fries and you're like dude i was having a really bad day but now my day is completely changed i have

like the sun is shining like it's not as hot out or like you you know you're digging around for change or whatever to get a gatorade and you find a cigarette in the fucking glove compartment or whatever and you're like god damn like i don't My, like the friend of mine was talking about, I was like, yeah, dude, you know, it's just a little stuff,

man. That would like, cause you know, every day is the fucking same. So, you know, you can't pack a packet of ramen, you know,

maybe some guy made fucking beef stew in the toilet, you know, like in my head, I'm like, it wasn't the same, but I'm like, dude, if I could find like a dollar and change in a cigarette, that was a life changing event for me because I knew I was going to be on site for 15 hours.

Yeah. And having smoking six cigarettes at 430 in the morning, not being drunk, dead sober, like on the way to work. Like, you know. Yeah. I remember I used to. I used to always leave my wallet places. I used to wear those, like, Dickies double knees, and my wallet would just fall out of my pants constantly.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know if it's the way I walk or what, but it still happens sometimes. Anyway, so this is when I worked night shift at that warehouse. And I would wake up, you know, like, usually around 2 p.m. or so. Yeah. And sometimes I'd eat, sometimes I wouldn't. I'd go to work and, dude, like half the time I'd forget my wallet.

And I worked, it was an hour, like an hour and 15 minute drive. It was like 60 miles. And so every time I went to work, it was like a third of a tank or so something like that you know and a lot of times i just wouldn't i would i would just fucking you know barely slept at all really put your clothes on you go to work and on the way to work you're like huh i got a quarter tank as i leave but if i if i'm late again i'm gonna get ridden up i don't have my wallet and i'm too lazy to set up apple pay so yeah we'll figure it out and i would dude i would stop at walmart in the middle of the night and just fucking find quarters in the parking lot

yeah i would spend like an hour doing that sometimes yeah and one time i had left my debit card at home but not my wallet and i dropped my wallet in the walmart parking lot looking for quarters and the budweiser delivery guy who was delivering budweiser to walmart that day found it He worked in the factory next to mine and he saw my employee ID, had my wallet to me the next morning. That's pretty sick. Or the next afternoon when I got to work. And they were like,

you just didn't have a wallet the last 24 hours? I was like, I guess not. I don't fucking care about my life. Dude, I remember fucking walking into a gas station at like four in the morning and it was like a it was like a young girl at the cash register and as i got out of my car she like called to the back and had somebody else come up with her to the register like i as if i was just super gaunt and tired not really gaunt i was a yeah as gaunt as a chubby guy can be. You know, like an emaciated Michelin man.

Yeah, like your face is emaciated, but you still have love angels. Yeah, like I'm pale. I'm just a green monster. Yeah. Anyway, I like the idea of getting off work. I'm in warehouse clothes. I'm all sweaty and dirty. I'm full of monster.

house closed i'm all sweaty and dirty i'm full of monster and i just i just make a beeline for a hudson oaks texas gas station and i'm busting through that door and i'm raping the first person i see i'm like why do you think i stumble out of my car with a handful of nickels and you think i'm here to sell you i don't i don't i wouldn't care if you were fucking sitting on the counter spread eagle i don't i don't want pussy i i want a dollar and 15 cents worth of gas and i hope i get back to my parents house and if not i'm just gonna fucking drive anyone to bank i've never cared about pussy less than when I worked night shift because I remember oh man I remember I had tinder and I would get on it at like noon yeah I would like such an awesome time like super like TCU girls at noon and then check it like 1 p.m. the next day yeah and have

a match in it you know it's funny like getting home from work and texting a girl at like 10 p.m. the next day and have a match. And, you know, it's funny, like getting home from work and texting a girl at like 10 a.m. like, oh, you up? You up yet? What you doing, baby girl? She's like, I'm in algebra. You're like, I'm drunk right now because I just got off work. I'm like, oh, God, I think I'm having Xanax withdrawals. You ever had those?

I think all the Mexicans at work are plotting to take my pants off. I think they're going to take my pants off and put cocaine in there. I think I talked, I think it was like one of the first thing I remember talking about on this show, but the fucking, when I would be getting into, there was a gas station right by work, like right next to the plant and i would pull in there me i mean my dad i would pull in there i mean my dad would get a red bull some tacos you know the you know whatever the thing you get mexicans are in the parking lot and i recognize a couple of them from day shift that moved. It was the night shift crew for the same plant.

And them motherfuckers would be in the parking lot shit drunk, dude. I guess the guy that owned the, it was like a big truck stop parking lot, and they parked kind of in the back. But just totally fucking ripped shit, hammered. Dos Equis, like, in the fucking pickup bed. And my dad's like, that's night crew. And I was like, dude, that's so, like,

I had one of those childhood like we talked to earlier where like you think the garbage man is the cool job or whatever where i was like dude getting drunk at 6 a.m after work at a parking lot with your friends that's awesome like yeah like you just welded for 15 hours straight you know and you're like man i want to go get drunk in a fucking loves truck stop parking lot yeah that sounds like a good idea yeah dude i remember uh one of the guys there was a vietnam vet and he was like yeah i've worked night shift for uh 35 years straight and i i think in his head that was like a noble cause right right, right. But I just said, man, that sucks. Sorry.

And it was like, and then I realized like right after, like that's not what he was going for. Right, right, right. I mean, I don't think with a family night shift, it's like you just can't really be a good dad, which isn't a problem for a lot of the guys. No, it's not a problem at all for those guys. Not at all, no. Yeah, it's tough sacrificing all the time, but, you know, I got to do what you got to do.

It's an extra dollar an hour, you know? I got bumped up from $13 to $14.50 for this. So, you know, I remember my dad would, like, when he would work nights, I remember my dad would like when he would work nights, I would be leaving for school and he would come home with a steel reserve 40. And he'd be like, you going to school? I'm like, yeah. He's like, oh, man. Well, all right.

Well, you have fun. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm about to sit on the couch and get fucked up. It's a long day. And I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm about to sit on the couch and get fucked up. It's a long day. And I'm like, it's like 6 a.m. And he'd be like, it's my 5 p.m. You know what I mean? And I was like, I don't. I really don't.

I have no idea. But I understand. You've been doing this a long time. Also, you're just kind of like not a guy who I wouldn't expect that from. You know, like it's like if your dad came home and was like it's six in the morning thomas it's time to get her fucking i would assume he'd gotten alzheimer's yeah you'd be like did you get a diagnosis like a terminal diagnosis like there's something going on but with my dad he was like he would come home and fucking you know 6 a.m just

like reek of weed and shit he's like yeah man it's a pain in the ass to work today you know, 6 a.m. Just like reek of weed and shit. He's like, yeah, man, it was a pain in the ass to work today, you know? I'm like, all right. You know, he's like, he's parked like on the curb. Like in front of the house. He's like, oh, you mentioned the wallet thing. I remember, so I kept my ID badge in my wallet, too. And they used to bitch at me for it. You're supposed to wear it around your neck.

But I thought it made me look fucking weird. Plus, I worked, I just didn't want any of of the gears i never really worked near like a lathe or anything but i had i watched too many industrial like live videos and i'm like i'm not wearing that yeah it catches your lanyard rips your fucking head off in the story so i would keep mine in my wallet too and they were really strict about presenting id. One night I had gone over to a friend's place and I don't remember. I think I was using different cards in my wallet to cut up lines of Coke. Yes, sir. But I left my wallet at her place.

And so I get to work it's like 5.30 in the morning she lives in Houston I'm all the way on the other side like Galveston Bay or whatever and I text my dad I'm like dad I can't get in the fucking plant man he's like why I'm like dude I left my fucking wallet at this girl's place

and of course my dad's like yeah and I'm like no we mostly just fucking you know did drugs and like watch cartoons or whatever and he's like yeah i know what that's like my my son you know like no man anyway he was like that's my boy not getting any pussy yeah yeah yeah and he was like all right well let me see if i can talk to the foreman and i don't know my dad my dad's a fucking you know my dad was, he was a fucking larger than life guy. I don't know.

Foreman comes out, big shit eating grin on his face. And I'm outside the security gate and he walks up to me and it's like the boy in the striped pajamas. Only with like a coke head 25 year old. I'm the German kid. And then he's the kid, the Jewish boy. And he's a 62 year old mexican alcoholic man named big john and uh he was like hey jake how you doing and i was like you know hey john i'm just trying to get in man and he's like you know i can't let you in here without an id your daddy tells me you left

it at a girl's place y'all stayed up all night crazy stuff like he was a friend with my dad and i kind of knew him so he was like being an old pervert to me but i'm like she put your finger like these guys i think probably i'd like to think that they haven't fucked their wives or anybody in like 20 years there's like i heard you left your billfold at the uh some ladies place i was like yeah i need to get to in here to work and he's like man i can't let you anyway he's like i can't let you in here man you're gonna have to go back and get it and just gave me this like stupid smile and i was like it's an hour to houston he was like and i'm like also it's 5 30 like

she's not awake and he was like i'm not just not gonna let you in man you're gonna have to lie you know just fucking with me just being a piece of shit for like no fucking reason anyway i go over there i get my fucking wallet i come back i wake her up all this stupid shit and i come back and um like uh i get back there same guy you know he's like just there's an asshole he's like where you been man i was like you told me to get my wallet he's like i was just fucking with you could have just walked right in i was like i get like with the gas thing i was like i just wasted a full tank of gas yeah yeah for no reason other than some old fucking drunk for uh shop for me oh my god i forgot you're bringing back this memory i used to

i would forget my wallet so to get in you know that you got to scan your thing you basically you park there yeah you know you got to scan and then it's like then you turn style yeah yeah yeah yeah but it was like you know like you physically cannot get in unless you scan you know right yeah yeah that's how it was yeah so physically cannot get in unless you scan. Right, yeah, yeah, that's how it was. Yeah, so what I would do was I would climb through the barbed wire. And I did that probably 20 times. Yeah, I completely forgot about that. What I would do is I would climb over the turnstile,

and I would try and move the barbed wire. And honestly, the fact that that was my default move it makes a lot more sense now that i think about like why my wallet would go missing a lot just because i would do jujitsu shit or whatever i was trying to ninja shit and i was 240 pounds yeah i think my wallet would fall i probably pooped in my pants sometimes Doing that Didn't even realize it I mean dude That had to be fucking stupid to watch

Cause it was like I had to climb like 12 feet up I remember And then it was like this Concrete There was this gap in the concrete And I would just try and move the barbed wire But it would always

Give me a little bit on my ass And so all my pants had a little bit of rips in the ass part. Like in the ass? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I would get in and I would just sign. You could sign in with your number, but you had a long-ass number. I memorized mine so that I could just leave my wallet at home every day

if I wanted to. I could leave it at parties or bars or what yeah my supervisor would be like thomas you gotta bring your id are people letting you in i'd be like no basically i get in through the barbed wire and then i stand by the door and wait for somebody to come in or leave and then i just come in i do mission impossible shit to get to work every day because i'm an alcoholic it takes me 30 minutes to clock in every day. Dude, the thing was also I wasn't. Oh, wait.

I'm lying. I was going to say I wasn't drinking at the time. I definitely was. Yeah. But I wasn't that much. I wasn't as much. I wasn't smoking weed. Yeah.

But I did There were some other things involved During that time That was when I started having a lot of fun With Twitter because I realized you could do it While driving really fast Yeah yeah yeah You could be driving a work truck that's insured to the company

And you could be Texting and tweeting and driving all day really yeah i remember uh at one point getting so into the hustle of warehouse life so i used to have one of those big rigs you know the vapes yeah yeah uh and i got one because all the cool black guys at work had one yeah of course of course so i spent three hundred dollars on a rig on a rig yeah and then i used it for about a month i think it's in my shit now anyway uh actually i left it on throughout a shift and we were really discouraged from taking any pauses like they'd call you on the phone if you went to the bathroom yeah and i remember feeling kind of a tingle in my right pocket and thinking damn it's a hot

ass phone no worries i'll just it's like a pipe keep on trucking man i remember sitting down at one point on a break sat down i don't know if you've ever had a searing pain before i had a searing pain as it turns out man this giant vape had been heating up for about six hours and the way i moved finally the metal part like went through a hole in my pocket uh-huh yeah and i mean it was an interesting experience, I must say. For sure. Yeah. But after that, I realized maybe I shouldn't have a hand grenade-sized vape in my pocket at all times. It has no indication of whether it's on or off.

Yeah. You can just barely touch it. It just turns on when I pick up a case sometimes. Yeah. It's a taser. Basically, there's an electric heating element in there. You know, it would be different if you left it in your pocket and it started stroking your dick, maybe. Yeah, it sucked your penis.

It sucked your penis into the tube of the vape, but instead, it's sort of like... It gets a thousand degrees. It's like plugging an Alibaba lamp into an outlet, you know what I mean? Yeah, than just putting your head on it for like 10 hours. In order to outlet, you know what I mean? Yeah, than just putting your head on it for like 10 hours. Yeah. Yeah, we, like, they, they had all these, like, rules and shit, but if you, like, if you were cool with people, you could clearly break them. I mean, like, I got away with so much my first few months there as the apprentice guy, but as a water truck guy, no.

as the apprentice guy, but as a water truck guy, no. That, like, I would bring, it'd be like 110 degree heat, dude, and it was me and that girl. We were the water people. I feel like in 110 degree weather,

everybody's wearing FRs. The water people are a pretty fucking integral group because it's a big plant that's decent it wasn't a decent sized plant if i drove all this water into the ditch well of course they're going to make you work the shift they're not going to tell you you can go home uh so you're going to work in the heat you know with no water or whatever but yeah you could like they would they would give us all shit for like not stocking enough or like I don't know. It was it was weird. I had I had it was the golden age.

If I ever go back for whatever reason, I'm definitely going to try to squeak my way into. Yeah, not doing the water thing. You're basically the gay boy. I would probably try and be the owner. Yeah, I would try to be Mr. Exxon. I think I would be... John Exxon. Yeah, John or Michael

Schell, I guess, would be who I would be. Or I would be Don Valero. Hubert BP. Yeah, for sure i'm gonna yeah yeah this is juan texico yeah yeah that would be a sick ass like wrestler name juan texico yeah of course is juan texico mixed i feel like to me he's half mexican half like i feel like he's like uh he's the type of mexican that's like like chihuahuan or whatever.

He's tall. Yeah, okay, okay. You know what I mean? Like central Mexico. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought Chihuahua was north, but hell, you know more about Mexico than I do. You've been there. I don't know shit.

I'm a dumbass. I've been to Mexico. I know so little about Mexico, it's embarrassing. When people quiz me about Mexico, I always fail. I go home and cry. I go home and I weep. I fail the Mexico quiz, I go home and I cry. Yeah, Mexican guys do not like me.

Mexican guys hate me, and a lot of it's because of how I see different races. Yeah, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not a good person. Yeah, I need to work on my worldview, seriously. The self-aware racist. Yeah, I'm working on it. I'm sorry. I just don't like the way they drive at all. Yeah, it's like there's this thing, man, like there's this thing about me where, like, I don't fucking like Jewish people.

And I know it's bad, but, i i gotta work on it yeah i just you know i think i just gotta you know i gotta stop going to movie theaters it's a thing that's a big trigger for me i uh i just there's this thing about like the wing stop by my house it just drives me fucking nuts yeah yeah yeah something yeah something about the n. I just can't wrap my finger around why I'm... Yeah, but I'm definitely racist. Hearing a political conversation at a bar or a party, like your standard gay rights or abortion or guns or whatever, it's like, you know, I'm a 2A guy.

I know the school shootings are bad, but I just really feel like that same cadence of, like, I know X is bad but why but it's like look I know it's fucking bad to like want to kill every woman that lives but I just think that if they could stop being you know what I'm saying like I know you know what I'm saying it's a personal problem for me I don't have I think they just annoy me really I. I don't see it in people societally. Yeah. I know, look.

I know. It's wrong. A guy who's transphobic, but only in his personal life. Oh, yeah. He's like, yeah, just leave me alone. I don't care about the drag queen thing. Dude, there was a... Which, once again, is such a cartoonish thing to be mad about.

I was... Somebody had sent in a group DM I'm in of this, like... It was this, like, Domino's employee or whatever. She, like, posted a picture of herself, like, without makeup. Like, you know, she's trans and like you know and then posted a picture of herself with like all of her stuff and then like it was an ass pic and she had her you know like she was wearing a g-string and her ass like up on the sink and um anyway it was a tweet that somebody had sent this group chat. It was like lol or whatever. The replies, hilarious.

Half the replies are like, that's how I be at work, ass up on the sink. Okay, they're breaking into thirds. A third of the replies are, that's how I'm at work, ass up on the sink, taking my selfies, you go, bitch. A third of the replies are your average white, like, groiper, like, disgusting, unnatural. You should be in prison for fooling me. Yeah. And then the other third, black dudes that are like,

hold up, hear me out one second. Just give me one fucking second. They're like, hold on a second. I don't give a fuck what y'all are trying to say to me. I would beat the brakes off this. Like I w I would get behind that and I would fuck that. Like, and the replies to that are like,

you know, she got a dick, right? And then like the fucking, he's like, the dude is like, do it look like I give a fuck. It's so,

I, I don't, I'm not a trans woman, i feel like yeah last i checked last i checked but i feel like that crowd it's like a like it's it's like a chaotic evil ally like a chaotic good ally like like because you have the people in your replies like you're you're an abomination you destroyed your masculinity to be you know the people in your replies, like you're, you're an abomination. You destroyed your masculinity to be, you know, the fucking losers of the world. And then you have the other guys that are like, Hey ma'am, I'm just letting you know, respectfully, I don't give a fuck if you got nuts, I would smack that shit down and in,

and I would fuck you over the seat of my fucking Buick. You know what I'm saying? I would fuck you over the seat of my fucking Buick. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I'm like, is that Praxis? Is that, I don't know.

I feel like that. I don't know if that's ally ship. It feels wrong in a sense. Yeah. It's like being like, you know, a lot of people are racist, but I've actually watched,

I actually, when I was a teenager, I used to watch Asian pornography. Yeah. It's still a sexualization. It's like, you know, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. I actually, it's like you know it's bad yeah yeah i actually it's like people call me racist there's actually black women i've found attractive in my

life yeah yeah i guess you're right i guess i'm just thinking like when compared to the other shit it's like matt walsh guys that are like you were a man once who could have done anything and now you're a trans woman who works at domino's. And it's like, hey, man, you don't got to do all that. I guess I'm saying like as a spectator compared to like really nasty, mean, mean stuff. Just having a guy who like who has a has a barbecue smoking business. It's like, hey, I got a wife and all and i know that maybe at some point you know you uh play with tonka trugs but now you're in a and now something happened to you but i'm down with that that's cool like it i don't know probably not flattering i'm just thinking maybe you know it's

nicer than the other one yeah anyway that's i honestly think that's really problematic and that's something we need to address yeah let's address it uh i thought it was i thought it was let's talk about it i thought it was nice for a bunch of random black guys to reply to this picture and hispanic guys and white guys and asian guys but the only ones the ones that i thought were really funny when the guys were like hold mama hey baby girl you know i uh i don't care if you play league of legends i don't care if you got i'll go to the slater concert with you yeah i don't know who sophie is but i feel like maybe we could get along. Girl. You know. Girl, I want to listen to Noisecore with you. God damn, there's like 200 geese again, man.

I want to get really into keyboards and shit with you. Stop talking about the fucking geese. Nobody gives a fuck about the geese. They keep coming, man. I thought all the geese came through on the same day. Or at least the same week. It's because of them. God damn, that fluctuating temperature shit, man.

Come on. Come on, man. Why you doing my weather like that? The AAVE weatherman. He's still a white guy. What's up? Come on, man. Why you doing my weather like that? The AAVE weatherman. He's still a white guy. What's up? It's Tim Johnson from Arlington, Texas, your local weatherman. You know, we got some, God damn, we got some drought coming up.

You ain't getting no water. You ain't getting no water. It's actually a dire situation. Oh, yo kids ain't, yo kids going to grow weird. It's actually a dire situation I saw her to say they found lead in the pipes These pipes old as hell And your kid's gonna be goofy as fuck Hell nah Police done blew up a lady

Hell nah They gave her a candle. Turned out it was a stick of dynamite. She came home and lit it. Blew her up. I don't know what the motivating factor would be for a cable company to do that. Ah, hell no. I was standing on my way to the weather tower.

And somebody dumb painted a road on the side of a cliff and I done ran into it. My name's Tim Johnson, your weatherman. I'm here with... My name's Wiley Coyote. My name's Wiley Coyote, your white weatherman from Arlington, Texas. I was chasing after this little ass bird. I had this bird out here. Come on, man.

We're leaving black and entering boom hours. Come on, man. Come on, man. We're leaving black and entering boom hours. Come on, man. There's a bird over there, man. Come on. I see shit sitting over there. Hey, listen. I'm the white weather man.

We got some white weather coming up. We got white people weather coming. It's going to be 68 degrees out, no humidity. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas over here. I'm dreaming it's going to be 68 degrees out, no humidity. I'm dreaming of a white cremus over here. I'm dreaming it's going to be a white weather cremus. I know it's middle of July. I'm sorry, I'm having a stroke right now.

I was chasing that damn bird all day. Y'all forgot I'm the coyote. You know, I'm dreaming of a white cremus with all these snow bunnies out here. I'm afraid you're also white white and a snow bunny. The white co-host of the news, she's like, Tim, we've talked about this. We don't have to. This is not a part of the segment. In fact, you've been reprimanded several times.

Listen, bitch. Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. You don't know what it's like to be a coyote-ass motherfucker. A wily-ass dude that chases a bird around all day talking about the weather. Now rolling in through Richardson this afternoon, we got my right hand across my co-host's face.

For acting up. Yo makeup busted and shit, bitch. Who did your shit? Man, come on. We gotta think of weather over here. Look at the weather. Look at the fucking weather. It's just videos of like a hurricane flooding and shit and there's studies like man look at that fucking weather over there like families on rooftops and shit like in florida it's like

could you believe it we got weather blowing in fema's out there with a trifling ass amazon man man on the kayak over here. God bless him. Amazon. Mr. Amazon. I'm out in the field with Mr. Amazon, man. Why you got a kayak out in the flood? Girl, man, why your truck so gray? Hey, listen, I'm just out here saving people. I figured I could get the boat out and

I could try to bring water to people who are flooded out. I don't give a fuck about that. How come your truck only sold many big wheels? Hey, man, I'm one of them dudes off Instagram. Would you like 16 shots of tequila? Should I double it and pass it to the next person? Hey, I'm one of those TikTok guys who uses his cell phone to ask public people questions. You think your wife sucks dick when you're not at home?

The guy standing on his roof is a water surprise. Now, can I ask you a question? Would you rather suck your dad's dick or have your mama get hit by a truck in front of your whole family? Yeah, a fucking dude on the roof and he's just crying.

My fucking wife is in the fucking house, man. I don't know. I'll give you $20 to name five Chinese people. Hey, check it out. $20. If you can name Ice Spice's cup size. If you can tell me, hey, are you like...

Ma'am, are you willing to get rizzed on for $100? Hey, so this hurricane be crazy as... It's like a white kid with the Jake Paul haircut, and he's like, I know this hurricane be crazy as fuck, though, but I was wondering, so do you like the type of pussy with Joe look like nothing there, or the type of pussy look like a like a ham type of shit look like dog lips you have been rizzed by five white guys at the same time I got my whole streaming team I know you just lost your dog and you're on top of your roof right now but my name is connor um timpson and i'm working

on my tiktok guy i've got 386 followers right now trying to hit 10k for in a month and i'm just wondering when you suck dick do you use two hands or one hand what's your craziest college experience involving you cheating on your your husband with me yeah Have you ever had a five and a half inch penis before? Would you fuck a 19 year old? You go ahead. You go ahead. We got two interviews on the roof. We got two.

We're both trying to work on our grind. Would you fuck a 19 year old business major dropout? We're getting a combined 10,000 followers this month. Yeah. Two separate accounts. We're not on the same team, but together we build. Now, man, would you suck dick for 100 shots of tequila before you die? I got a gun to my own head.

So we got 20 MREs in the truck. I know y'all haven't eaten in a while because y'all been on top of the roof. Smash or pass. My 12-year-old cousin. If you bug him out, you can get on the escape helicopter. Man, man, you ever been raised by a 12-year-old? Man, I'm 15. I'm in the game right now.

I got 180,000 followers. It ain't illegal if it's a state of emergency. You feel me? The governor declared a state of emergency. It's not illegal to suck a 12 year old's dick Oh my god, yes, sir. Listen bitch. I'm glad the hurricane over and I'm sorry your house gone but Damn dude, those videos are funny glad the hurricane over and I'm sorry your house gone. But. Damn. Dude, those videos are funny because the ones where it's like. Like they'll be at the mall and they'll stop a couple and it's like, yo, y'all trust each other?

And they're like, yeah. And it's like, go through each other's phone. And then the guy's like going through the phone. Sometimes I think they're staged because the guy will be going through the phone and he's like babe who's marcus and then she's like us this is a study partner and then he's like oh man no like it could be real but he's like we talked about this she's like i'm sorry or whatever. And then the guy standing there with the phone as this couple falls apart and he's like,

damn bro, she really got your ass? It's like a three and a half year relationship. Damn, y'all been married 20 years, she cheating. Yeah. Look at her eyes,

they big as hell. Yeah, she cheating. You know when a girl looks down and to the left and she touches her shoe to the ground, that she's sucking dick

on the side. Yeah, she's probably fucking black dudes. Yeah. If she looks down at her shoe and then to the right, that means that there's a really hung dude that she's basically getting... Basically, he's hitting her back walls

and he's losing it. Damn. Oh, gosh. She looked at me. That means she fucked her grandpa. She cheated on him with a goldfish. Like the autistic wigger YouTuber. Oh, goddamn, bro.

You mind if I riz your mom? She doesn't know what any of the words mean. Damn. My cousin got rizzed. I'm not supposed to tell anybody. No cap. I have to take medicine every morning, and I took two of them so I can come out here and do these interviews. Would you ever get

rizzed on by a guy who's not supposed to leave his house? Damn, girl, would you let me rizz for LSAT? Would you? Would you let me rizz? Girl, have you ever have you ever sucked the rizz out of a guy?

Oh, baby. Nice pussy. Oh, wow. I work for Barstool. Yeah, yeah. I'm with Barstool and nice ass cheeks, bitch. Wow, you look so good for a white girl

yeah sir would you let would you let Adden Ross Riz your girl for 100,000 V bucks hi would you would you let Sneeko V-Bucks. Hi. Hi.

Would you let Sneeko Would you let Sneeko fuck your bitch for a Spongebob weed cart? Hello. Ma'am smash or pass Andrew

Andrew Tate and um Kai Kai Snat is speedy and they all they all do back shots

kiss or slap you have to slap me if it gives me do you go to high school or college? Do you go to high school or do you work for the city? Are you a freshman or are you a senior? Would you like two lithium or should i double it give it to the

next person hello hi hi my my name is riz god 420 and i riz god 420 and i am here to ask you, would you like half a bottle of ibuprofen or should I double and pass it to my grandma while she's asleep? while she's asleep. Would you like have this bottle of Lunesta? Or should I crush it and give it to my neighbor's dogs? Would you buy this extension cord?

It's my dad's And I'm mad at him Would you Would you This is my neighbor Debra's Cat She wouldn't let me dig a hole in her yard

So I kill a cat Would you take this cat, please? It's mostly just pieces. Would you like half this cat or should I double it and give it to Debra? Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Roger. Roger. Fuck. Me too. Dig a hole in the tie rod. I can dig two holes in the sidewalk the size of a grave, believe it or not. I can dig a hole the size of a whole grave and you can fit in there. Is Joe Pera doing TikTok Rok riz videos hey i was wondering

hey i was wondering if i could uh show you my fucking penis or something i just i just feel like i saw you from over by the bar over there and i just uh fuck you know i'm kind of new to all this. Smash or pass? Uh, John Candy? Or me? Yeah.

Shout out Joe. I don't, I've never talked to you, but you're a funny guy. I like your stuff. Yeah, I know him really well. Um,

we're pretty much best friends. I met him, him uh for about 30 seconds yeah you told me about that you told me that he no i didn't i didn't i didn't brag about having run yeah dude literally the first time we hung out after you got back from your new york you're like i went and got jamaican food nick molyne and then i saw joe perra and then that was two separate outings to new y York in which those two separate things happened. Yeah, right. Well, yeah.

You know me, you know, I don't see you're you're like the playboy of the of the duo. See, I'm the workhorse. You get to go and have all the fucking fun. You go party and you do ketamine with, you know, all the podcasters at the ketamine corner. I go hang out with Anna Chackerman. Yeah, you hang out with Anna Kajchowich with her fucking K-hole baby. And you fucking... And Dasha Necromancer.

Yeah, yeah, you hang out with them too. And me, I fucking sit here and I do taxes and I fucking, you know... Yeah, you do, and that's your fucking job And my job is to be the international badass Yeah, I'm the party boy I'm the guy who does crazy shit and gets lots of attention You know I guess I shouldn't complain

You get to be the international party boy Who, you know, jet sets to New York Literally every weekend To just riff with our coolest friends. The coolest guys in the world. Yeah, alcoholics and former alcoholics and cokeheads. I might go hang out with, I don't know, John Mouse. I can hang out with crazy guys.

I can hang out with Louie the Grouper. Yeah, you can hang out with Louie the Grouper. I love Louie the Grouper. He's one of my favorite stand-ups out of all out of new york yeah again um clinging out to it out once you can john auschwitz my favorite yeah my favorite writer very fit uh family friendly guy yeah yeah clean comedian unfortunate last name but yeah he's a very clean comic he does not work blue uh yeah man i just figured you know maybe you could let me be a jet setter just for a weekend you know you can we can switch roles i can talk to the accountant all day and do all the

boring stuff and you can fucking or you can do that and i can go to L.A. and I can meet my friend Ben who I talk to. Look, we all have our roles in life. I feel like you see me on the private jets. You see me on the islands. You see me on the yachts. You FaceTime me and you're having sex with An orco off the coast of Maine Yeah that's what I gotta do It's Hollywood you know

You gotta put your work in You gotta play ball Yeah I get it You gotta swim with dolphins They don't tell you you gotta fuck one Yeah you gotta fuck them Well I guess I just you know When we start off to do this thing

I just didn't foresee it getting like this. And I'm just so proud of you because not a lot of people can say they met Joe Pera for 30 seconds. You know, most people cannot. Probably not a lot of people can say that they hung out with Patrick and Caleb and Cameron for podcasts about list, you know. And and I just, you know i i'm proud of you i'm proud to be and i'm proud to be the clydesdale you're the mustang you know you're you're you're for going and you're for showing i'm the workhorse i sit in the stable and mustangs mustangs are wild horses the they run around they run around and fuck all day dude i'm the clydesdale i get

fucked by the the horse you trample on brick streets yeah yeah i just i walk stone trodden ass i'm like 15 feet tall i weigh 3 000 pounds and i'm fucking stubborn as shit and um yeah hey horse breeders i got an idea for you. It's called a fucking cow. You tell him, motherfucker. Let him know. Hey, dumbass. Preach.

Hey, Mr. Budweiser, how about you breed a type of fucking cow? Oh, wait. That already exists. You don't need a giant horse. Yeah, you know. I don't know how long those have been around. I think it's actually a very ancient type of horse. Yeah, you know... I don't know how long those have been around. I think it's actually a very ancient type of horse.

Some call it the oldest horse. It evolved from a big-ass dinosaur that looked kind of like a horse. Yeah, I... You know, as a guy who grew up around horses, I know so much about them and I have a deep respect for them. Hell, I thought you were a fucking centaur for a second.

Yeah, no, I fucking, on the cool, on the real, I don't like those creatures at all. Everybody, I say everybody, like I know a thousand horse breeders. I only know like one person who grew up around horses and she was just always like, yeah, they love to die. Like they're very expensive to maintain and they love hurting themselves and they love getting sick and dying it's like a and i'm like that sounds like a pretty sick ass life to me to be like a like an animal that's very majestic and you get to do whatever the fuck but the moment someone tries to put you in a cage you're like i'm done i think i'm like actually you know? That's what human beings are. And that's the deep and twisted side of life.

Damn. And this is it. When we were free, man, we were fucking free, dude. And a lot of people don't understand how fucking free we were. We were so free that we were cavemen and we could have 17 wives. Yeah, we could live over 30, sometimes up to 30 years. You could live to be 33 years old. 30 years.

You could live to be 33 years old. And then now we can't even fucking, we can't even approach a girl and ask her on a date anymore at the gym or at the bank or at the hospital or at church, you know. And it's gotten worse. And I think I'm tired of this. I think I'm tired of fucking running. Oh, God, I'm going to cry. I'm going to shit my fucking pants because I'm so miserable. And fucking I'm tired of being stepped on as a white man. I'm tired of my fucking...

Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, sure. It's like I guess we could go there no I like the idea of like one of those guys being like just like walking into the wrong

conference center at the wrong La Quinta where they book to do their shit like it's like yeah you know like a guy who was there for like an IT thing he just walked into the wrong one and he's like sitting down and it's like the world's changing he's like yeah you know like a guy who was there for like an it thing he just walked into the wrong one and he's like sitting down it's like the world's changing he's like yeah yeah software and stuff you know people work from home and i don't like the looks of it yeah i mean you know working from home is pretty difficult sometimes you get internet problems that's

why i think that we have to stop the great replacement. And we have to prevent the replacement of white people. Yeah. I, uh... Imagine I'd love to go to a steampunk convention sometime. Those feel... Okay. Here's the thing with those.

In the same way that the Renaissance Fair becomes disgustingly horny after like 8 p.m really yes have you ever been to one no dude i'm a fucking uh i've had a busy life you know so renaissance festivals are cool as shit they're fun you can drink mead need a goddamn mutton leg and shit and you can watch motherfuckers joust for real and you can see like it's cool i like renaissance festivals but there's this like unspoken rule at the one that I used to go to in Houston. Where from, like, 11 a.m. to, like, 7 p.m. is family friendly. All right?

Kids walk around. You can throw axes. You know, little kids play with donkeys and shit. Guys dress up like wizards do magic for all the children. And then the adults, you know, you can grab a beer out of a big goat horn and watch motherfuckers joust and sword fight beat the dog shit out of each other watch some guy juggle some torches but around 8 p.m guys just start where like pulling their skirt like they're uh like their kilts up and shit and being like my butt cheeks or whatever and then girls just like they bring their titties out and shit and

then uh the one that i would go to in or out outside of houston i guess like an hour and a my butt cheeks or whatever. And then girls just like, they bring their titties out and shit. And then, uh, the one that I would go to in or out of outside of Houston, I guess like an hour and a half, the woods adjacent to it. Absolute no man's land. People go out there and camp and they just eat, like take heroic doses of mushrooms and shit. And you wander out there on accident.

And there are people like doing like shaman stuff. And you're like, Oh sick. I was here to drink a Pepsi and eat a turkey leg. You know, like I wasn i was here to drink a pepsi and eat a turkey leg you know like i wasn't necessarily here to get exposed to whatever the fuck you know how like um how do i describe this type of guy like a guy who's not a nazi but is really into pagan stuff you know what i'm saying yeah yeah like like and his wife that's very like uh like where's the the uh the cors, where's the corset?

She's the corset pin-up 50s wife. You know what I'm fucking saying? Yeah. Like a ska wife. And he's dressed like fucking half Thor Bjornsson or whatever. And she's dressed like, I don't know, fucking a beer wench. And they just like grope on each other's shit outside the fucking mead hall. And then you have to be subject to that.

But only after 8 p.m. Everybody's typically pretty respectful. That's cool. If you're listening to this. It'd be cool to just go in there with a crossbow. That'd be a funny mass shooting. And start killing everybody. Dude, a mass shooting that takes six hours?

That'd be sick. It's like everybody's fighting back, but with pitchforks and stuff. Yeah, yeah. You're just standing on a roof having your way. Ye olde mass shooting. Yeah, you got a fucking catapult set up in the woods people don't know about. Your crossbow has like a 140-pound draw, so you have to go in the corner and fucking rack one. You pick up a bunch of guys at Home Depot and hand them some bows and arrows, and you're like, let's do this.

Yeah, let's make this shit. Let's get back at these motherfuckers. How does $160 between the eight of you? Do you guys want to kill a bunch of white people with a bunch of bow and arrows? See? Yes. Okay. Okay. Yeah, it sounds good. It's okay. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. No problem.

Hey, man, do you guys want to... They're just loading the meat into the truck. Yeah. Hey, if you're listening to this, that means truck. Yeah. There we go. Hey, if you're listening to this, that means it's free. And if you believe in money and giving it to us, you should go over to patreon.com slash pandejo time. Toss us a couple cheddar cheeses. There's different tiers to choose from.

Five bucks gets you access to all the backlog plus a bonus episode a week. Ten bucks a month gets you access to that, plus a video episode. We got it filmed, and it's in the lab right now, getting tuned up. It's going to be out here soon. Also, if you know anybody who's not listening, you can always tell them about it, or not.

You can do whatever you want you're probably a grown yeah don't pitch this show it's probably not going to make you look normal it's fine if you got a weird friend who drinks like rubbing alcohol or something yeah yeah it'll probably help his life but uh yeah maybe show your girlfriend then she'll get mad at you yeah yeah like that maybe or maybe on the rare occasions I met two couples at the show, actually, that listened to it together, and I can't imagine what their personal life is like. Yeah. What that relationship's like.

Not something for me to think about. You can give us 50 bucks a month. You don't get anything extra. You can just do that. There's two guys that do that, and thank you to those guys. I always like to shout them out each free episode because I don't think think that they should do that well it doesn't fuck we don't deserve it but we appreciate it nonetheless um yeah and again i've been saying this and i've been getting messages every day and that's okay i'm not saying anything actually i want you guys to reach out to me if you

are a patron and you don't have a discord access uh like i said sometimes people get added automatically sometimes they don't but either way um if you are a if you do sub to the patreon and it doesn't immediately auto add you to the discord uh email a message me on patreon and patreon and i will add you um suck a fuck a ding dong goodbye