Pendejo Time - in it to win it

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

homie where u stayin?in it Support the Show.

Good evening. Good evening brothers, sisters, and cousins, and comrades. Oh yeah, I forgot we're doing that now. Comrades. I don't have an apartment anymore. You got evicted. I said I was too sexy. That's one way to put it. Yeah, I've been on the phone. Everybody, and I really can't blame the people of the city.

It's just the city, but like everybody that I talked to today about trying to find a new apartment is like, oh, what's your budget? And I'm like, one thousand dollars. And they're like, oh, I have one for sixteen hundred. I'm like, that's super cool. I don't have that. But thanks. The highest I can do is like eleven hundred. And they're like, OK, let me get back to you.

And like 20 minutes goes by and they call me and they're like, I've got the legion C at Acre Ranch for like $1,489 for an efficiency. No washer and dryer. And I'm like, what about that is anything about what i said and they're like uh yeah well that's just anything for under a thousand a month is gonna be a shithole i'm like show me these shitholes of this place show me i'll i'll be the judge of that all right and so they i like this running list of places that were like 950 a thousand and they're mostly fine it's just like i'm back to square one and like you read the reviews and it's

like uh you know park your car just park it like away from a complex because places are nice pools lots of fun but uh i don't got a muffler no more and i don't have like my side mirrors are gone i'm sitting on cinder blocks my lift kit is fucked it's like it like it started they the a lot of the reviews of the places that are like like in my range, they start off really sweet. They're like, I want to start this off by saying everybody that works here is fucking top notch. You got a great set of people back there behind the desk. You got fucking Deidre back there. She's got crazy hair in her hair.

Nails are all. She's something else. She's got a wild sense of humor. Pool's always clean. Elevators work. She's got a wild sense of humor. And the pool's always clean. And elevators work. Gym's nice. Very affordable. Cons.

I, somebody, I found a bomb vest in the parking lot. No, it was like, you know, somebody, like, sawed the catalytic converter off my truck and, like, took my rims. somebody like saw the catalytic converter off my truck and like took my rims and it's like i'm fine with shit like that to some extent i just like like it's just frustrating to think like that's what is like the city has to offer there's no middle ground it's either are you are you moving closer into the actual city no so like the city itself isn't affordable except for people who like work at google yeah no and so like the outskirts and the suburbs like even getting into like buda and shit like they're also expensive there are a lot of places by the river that are cheap but they're like like a lot of roaches and rats and shit

which again whatever man i'll fucking you know it's just bugs but uh yeah i just like it when you texted me and you're like sorry man i'm like dude it's fine because like if we would have done this like two hours ago i would have been like i'm gonna kill everybody in the city of Austin. I'm going to... Like, I can't do this anymore. I'd be ill on that too, but for different reasons. Yeah, because Thomas is homophobic. That's not true. Yeah, Thomas loves... He really, really likes gay guys a lot.

Yeah, they're cool. You love them? Yeah, they're my friends. Kind of friends with benefits nope regular friends the friendship is the coolest i i heard that term used by a close friend of mine the other day friends with benefits and i was like you can't you cannot say that word you should not be able to say that phrase past like 22 years old in my opinion that's very much to me like i just like we're like 20 is like oh we're like friends with benefits i'm like dude you're 29 years old like what uh what does that mean he's like oh we're just like we're not tied down he's

chill like why are you on my ass i'm like i, I'm not on your ass, man. You just say, like, we're fucking. Right? Like, that's what you say. Like, yeah, I mean, this girl, we're fucking. We ain't together or nothing, but she comes over. Like, we watch movies or whatever. Like, we ain't together. You don't say friends with benefits.

Like, I just, maybe I'm just weird, but I think that's a phrase that should get retired. Yeah, it's like a fake movie term. I mean, I. it seems like to me or like just an entirely foreign i don't know it doesn't it's weird for that to be in your vocabulary that like readily like i like for me i think that like whether or not you went like to college or whatever because i heard it a lot like when i was in school like whether or not you went like to college or whatever because i heard it a lot like when i was in school like whether or not you went to college i feel like it should be retired after you have reached like college eight like 22 23 because when i hear it like to me it makes just as much if not more sense to be like yeah we're just fucking like all right that sounds good it's

also funnier yeah it's way funnier it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound twee like yeah like like imagine a 33 year old like a cousin at thanksgiving like a guy that you barely know and kind of remember he's like yeah after carrie left uh i met this new chick we're kind of friends with benefit i would slap you that is like a 19 year old phrase like you can't be using shit like i'm trying to think of other similar words in terms of phrase that like i just feel like you age out of like i know people say swag unironically or ironically so it's like okay maybe that one gets a pass but like turn up is really funny to me like that's a really funny one but friends with benefits i'm like man no you can't that's immediately i would say that asking what the move is is a really funny thing to do yeah

that's once you hit like yeah yeah 24 yeah yeah hey guys what's the what's the move tonight it's like uh well we all got work tomorrow so we're gonna not hang out. How does that sound? I have heard people that I know say stuff like, yeah, vibes were off. Like, not ironically. I think I do that sometimes. But it's just because I am tired and I don't know how else to word things. Okay. I mean, also, like, you're younger. so it's like that may, I mean, like. Yeah, but I look like.

Yeah, you look like you're, like, 90 years old. Yeah, I look like an old, old man. I guess I'm just kind of like. You're cynical. It's okay. No. You can just feel your spirit leaving through your, every breath you take. I think I'm just in a bad mood.

That's what you're like. What's that? You're just like you're slowly dying. That's the vibe I get from you. That I'm slowly dying? No, no. Your youth is fading. A lot of people are like that.

Yeah. Me, I'm young and spry. Been getting back into surf rock lately. I'm not sure if it's as a joke or not. I've been listening to just Dick Dale music and things of that nature in my car. And going about five miles per hour below the speed limit i'm trying new things i earlier for no reason ashley was watching a tiktok and it was like it was like this voice over it was like did you know about the racist and homophobic roots of the ballet and like dude

without like it was i didn't even say it i was in such a bad mood she's just sitting there chilling on her phone i'm not involved i'm looking at my phone and i was like dude who the fuck gives a shit like really loudly and aggressively and she just kind of looked at me and i was like man i'm sorry uh i'm just gonna go outside like it wasn me, and I was like, man, I'm sorry. I'm just going to go outside. It wasn't to her. It was at the video. You were just mad because I know ballet is close to your heart. Yeah.

Dude, you know what? Here's the thing. I could never do ballet, but it looks... You're prefacing this with something that... No, you can do ballet, man. You just... Yeah. What do you mean?

I'm trying... Okay, my knees have been bad since I was nine years old, and my shoulders too, but I feel like it's a respectable hobby like if you're a good like ballet guy you know you're not fucking like in shape you gotta be doing that shit you gotta be fucking hanging in there you know i mean you gotta be shredded, and you've got to be obviously very athletic. But it doesn't seem worth it at all to me,

but I guess that's because I have not enough discipline in my life to die for a... There's no cracker. Dancing on your toes. Yeah. And you have to starve yourself for that, of all things. you know dancing on your toes yeah and you have to starve yourself for that of all things yeah that's true it's like yeah I can't drink milk I'm 11 years old and I can't

drink milk because I have to pretend to be a fairy in an ice play that doesn't seem like any culture should have been able to come up with something that cruel yeah i i remember like when i was like doing like a lot of like acting stuff when i was a teenager and being like oh maybe i'll do ballet because it's cool to like 13 or 14. And I'm like, and the girls do ballet.

And then realizing like, no. It's like the equivalent of being like, yeah, I could be like the guy cheerleader. Yeah. It's like, no, dude, you would just be you would just be yourself still yeah you would yeah in that setting instead you wouldn't just become a you know they're like a different yeah like a different guy who like is into that stuff and is like you know like the type of guy who would do ballet like you're just not no i was a guy who liked to ride skateboards and like smoke marlboro lights and throw up no i would have not made a good ballet dancer but you know what maybe i'll

start today maybe that would be i would fully support you the character or i just i start spending my entire cut of the patreon money taking like, I'm not flexible and I'm, I'm just like, I'm taking like point lessons and I'm still like kind of skinny fat. So the leotard just looks like I have like butter biscuits hanging out of my fucking leg. That would rock. what do you get in what is what is your what is your weekend looking like thomas i think i gotta work this saturday i'm not sure i haven't actually killed everybody at your yeah I'm going to in two weeks

I'm going to come in on that Tuesday and do it depending on how Monday goes oh this is wait this is a free one I probably shouldn't I should say that anyway

yeah no I'm not sure I think I want to grill out Friday. Not like have a barbecue, but I'm just going to grill some chicken thighs. Yeah, I did that the other day. I did turkey burgers and salmon the other day. That was a good one i i drank like 20 beers which is just a number that i feel like anything past 14 yeah it's good that you had the turkey burger so it was healthy you know that helped cancel out the you know 25 calories yeah yeah it was... I drank 12 Tallboys.

So how the fuck... Yeah. How many beers that is. That's what, like... 16, 15. Yeah, I think 16. Yeah. If there's 16 ounces.

And then I shotgunned a bunch of white... Yeah, it was just a kind of a... I was hanging out with my little brother. Yeah, so you got to show out, you know. Yeah, we beat the fucking shit out of each other you're trying to impress him I did get my mom to shotgun a beer for the first time

that was that was a fucking weird thing she was like what are you and your brother doing and I was like oh we just shotgunned a beer she was like oh I was like here you do it and it was one of those moments where i was like why did i just make this happen like why did i like did she did she handle it dude she she fucking it was good

i mean i thought she was gonna like spray it everywhere and fuck it all yeah i used to be terrible like i would i got better but i would do it like too far into the night. Yeah. And then I would like not, my technique would be way off and I would just like not pace myself correctly and then I would just throw up. Yeah. When I, when I was at Ben's wedding, I, uh, I shotgunned a bunch of Budweiser's with his little brother. I shotgunned a bunch of Budweiser's with his little brother. And like, there's a certain time when I,

there's like a certain stage I get when I drink and I'm like partying, I drink too much where my body, like I won't throw up anything else, but whatever just entered my esophagus, like my stomach quite literally just rejects it. And so like, I take like three Budweiser shotguns back to back and I just projectile vomit,

like foam just like yeah just in a perfect arch and i was like oh that was kind of a waste but yeah i try to that's another thing and i and i'm guilty of this another thing i and the people who listen to this who are like 38 years old and shotgunning a beer like right now are like, no! Listen, I feel like 27 is the last year that you get to do it like a lot and not just as like a nostalgic joke. Like, you know, you're like hanging out with the boys, you know. Old ladies nail salon over the fuck and you want to do it like as a throwback aha whatever if you're please i feel like shotgunning beers is like something you shouldn't

do past like 27 see for me i i enjoy the slow sip you know i like to take my time what do you mean you like to sip it slow you like to to slurp on it real slowly and no really get the work going well i don't actually like drink anymore but whenever i have a topo chico i pretend that it's a beer that's what i do i'm gonna start shotgunning like mineral water and just start terrifying everyone around me. I have sober friends that do that. And it's like a gag. That's stupid.

They're like, ha ha. And I'm like, ah, that was funny. It's like you're in pain right now. Yeah, dude. It's very carbonated. I saw somebody try to... They posted... This was like four years ago. but it's a vivid memory for me

they're like here's me shotgunning a soylent drink and then they just like opened it like they didn't they didn't shotgun they just opened it like took the cap off it and then he had like the worst beard ever like terrible and like he poured like half of it onto his face somehow just trying to chug it and then like there was still a little bit left in there somehow and then he was like oh no man yeah yeah and that was it was you it can't be me because i can't grow a beard that's right i um i tried to i don't know what my life situation is right now um thomas is spread eagle right now i was trying to i messed up my knees but um

um no i'm uh you ever get into those milk alternatives yeah yeah i like the um when i was really taking the diet seriously i would do the 30 calorie like almond milk um but i don't like that like i like oat milk but i but like yeah oat milk is i thought i didn't like that. Like I like oat milk, but I, but like, yeah, oat milk is, I thought I didn't like oat milk, but it was cause the stuff I bought was expired. So I drank expired oat milk for a little bit.

It was just kind of like soup. And I was like, this is kind of not, not really for me, but I bought some actual oat milk recently. And that was good, but I don't really go through. I, I'm not a big milk drinker in

general i have a one of the memories it's like burned really hard in my head is i was it was like middle of august some years back i was working on my car with my friend chad and um i have a big tall i was like'm thirsty, but I don't want water. So I go to the kitchen and I get a big tall glass of milk. I did not think anything of it. This is when I drank like actual milk. I didn't think anything of it. And I'm like walking out the fucking door.

My roommate's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Like real aggressive, not kidding. And I'm like, I'm going outside to finish working on a car battery. It's it's it's pain in the ass man i just gotta get out there he's like did you just pour a tall glass of fucking milk to go out it's 110 degrees outside and i was like yeah yeah i wanted a glass of milk he's like that's not a summer drink. He's getting really aggressive with me. He's like, that's not a fucking, that's not a drink. What are you doing? And I'm like, I wanted a cold glass of milk, dude. And I just wanted to go outside and have my glass of milk.

And he's like, dude, get some fucking juice. He's like, he's tearing into my ass with my drink choice. And I thought he was just like fucking with me. And he's like, you go put that in the fridge. You get a glass of juice. You get a fucking glass of water like a fucking adult does. It's too hot for that. And I'm like, dude, it's whole milk.

I don't understand why I'm on trial right now. It's fucking milk. And he's like, you think I'm fucking with you right now? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'm not. On the couch. And he's like stood up. But he was like, that's not it. I'm's like stood up but he was like that's not i'm

about to throw up right now you're making me fucking sick and i was like dude why are you in like i just go outside i leave it like i come back inside he's like hey sorry man i'm like really hung over and i didn't get much sleep uh but that is really gross you shouldn't do that and i was like i mean thanks for the apology, but like, I don't understand it. But every time I tell this story to somebody who's like not a roommate or one of the friends, they're like, yeah, he was in the wrong, but also that's super fucking gross.

Like that is kind of disgusting to like, you went outside with like, to work on a car and drank like a 16 ounce glass of milk. Yeah, that is, I mean, it's not so much the drinking, it's the fact that you have to have drank a giant glass of milk as you continue,

like that aftertaste is just going to be in your mouth. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was a bad, like, I don't like, I think we've talked about this, I fucking hate water. Like, I don't like drinking it. I fucking, I'm usually pretty talked about this. I fucking hate water. I don't like drinking it. I'm usually pretty good about soda.

But what it is is I just don't drink anything. If I don't have Topo at the house, I just don't drink anything. I'll have a rain in the morning, and then I won't have anything else the rest of the day. I won't drink it. And I have to remind myself to drink water because I'll be like, wow, I feel really angry and I feel like shit. And my piss is all fucked up looking. And then I'll be like, I'll have to take an inventory and say, how many glasses of water were you today? None. How many did you have yesterday?

Absolutely none. Day before that, I think two. Like, I just don't drink water, like, ever. I just. Yeah, and that's just that's why you're aging eight on fleek dude i i'm aging like fine wine all right yeah well you start getting some skin care some water tips from me i drink water all the time and i look you know I look I look all right we get the job done you could probably not not a wrinkle on me me i remember there was a guy who uh that we worked with it when i did the home remodeling

roofing thing like way back in the day who would uh what were those fucking energy drinks it was like before bang and rain but it was like the strongest one on the market like um i don't know i got into the game kind of late yeah i was always a red bull guy anyway he would like uh there's like rock star venom i think it was nos actually oh noz yeah yeah yeah yeah that makes sense and he would shotgun like two of them back to back and he'd be like all right good morning and everybody's like you know like i'm up on the roof and i'm like i could just jump it's not even a big it's not even a big deal like at all he's one of those guys we've talked about before or maybe just through text but like there are some people i'm sure you've met them who

genuinely like to their core they're not faking it till they make it they're not putting on a fucking ruse they live for that shit. They live to work out fucking side in the heat all fucking day. They love it. I know some guys who are like, oh, hell yeah. Another day, boy. And you're like, you don't want to be here. And then there's like one or two guys every job at restaurants or working out, like doing labor or whatever.

They're like, oh, you you afraid of money you afraid of making money all right like really aggressive and i'm like no it's just it's hot yeah i know hell no i get i'm up here every goddamn day 5 30 i'm like yeah me too and you don't you love it no nope This is rough. I'm here because I need money. Yeah. You guys, you, like, pack their own lunch or whatever. Yeah. And it's just like a plain turkey sandwich every day. And they're like, whew, mama treated me right today.

Yeah, dude, those guys rock. They're like, I'll get a taco from like the taco man or whatever and i'll sit down i'd sit i would sit down at the lunch to it and there's like one guy who sat like where i always sat and and like uh knew the guy that i worked under is an older dude like oh one what we got today one what the old lady made and would like it would be like the same like wet wonder bread and like one of the thick pieces of bologna and then like like just the shittiest like fake like not even craft like the kind that's just mostly plastic he's like oh man i love my wife and i, again, is this one of those things where you're telling yourself this? Because when you go home, you think about throwing her down the fucking stairs or like, do you legitimately feel this way?

Because me, like a guy like me, I think you're kidding. But maybe that's just my own heart, like my own, like not being able to. To see the sincerity of what you're saying or whatever. Yeah. Imagine a guy who unpacks his lunch every day and he's just like, oh man, I hate my wife. This is a funny time to say it. Yeah, those guys, not literally that, but the guys out there that are like,

I don't know. I don't want to try to make it a certain type of guy because I only met one dude like this. But, you know, it's like, man, these are my favorite time of day. I ain't around a fucking old lady and my kids. And I'm like, is that your wife you're talking about? Yeah. All right. Like, you would rather be in a fucking stinky warehouse, it's like 110 degrees, 80% humidity, than like at home with your fucking kids? Yeah.

What's the fucking big deal? I'm like, nothing, I guess, man. I just like, I would rather be, I would rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than be in this fucking connex with you counting bolts right now yeah like but i mean i i get like i said some people's like a lot of those guys have to pay child support to like three different women for like six different kids yeah i i think a certain level of delusion is necessary to enjoy a job if it's bad enough you know no 100 yeah that's a good point yeah yeah like uh whenever i worked warehouse there would be guys who would be in like late they'd be in like a supervisor position and so they'd make like low six figures, like probably, I don't know, like 115 or something like that, like good money. But they had to work like 85 hours a week.

Yeah. And they were always like pushing hard. And you talk to them and they'd be like, yeah, man, you keep, you know, you keep filling these orders. You do it constantly. You work 16 hours a day five years a lot you know it pays off look where i am you know i i've got kids and a house and uh uh yeah i mean i I've got a car. I got a Raptor and upside down on it.

Yeah. I remember my dad when he got out of the, I think he said it was his first job when he got out of the military. He worked on a tugboat out at the ship channel in Galveston. Yeah. And I was like, he was like, yeah, it's good money. You're on a boat, 16, 17 hours, pretty much live on the fucking boat and you stay at a hotel when you're not on the boat.

That sounds kind of cool. What'd you do on the boat? He was like, well, I would take a big shovel and I would go down into the furnace and I would shovel up big shovel and I would go down into the furnace and I would shovel up burnt piss and shit all day and throw it into the ocean. And I was like, that sounds awful, man. He's like, oh, yeah, it was.

He said, well, he was like, one day, actually lots of days, the wind would catch it just right. And you'd have to, if you didn't throw it over your shoulder and you weren't thinking, it would like blow like burnt up shit like right back into your eyes, in your face, in your mouth. I was like, how long did you work that job? He's like, three years. I was like, why? He's like, I don't know.

It's a job. And I'm like, dude, did it pay good? He was like, not really. At least not for that number. work at mcdonald's like go work at fucking you go go like be a hand at some machinist shop like go do something you know he was like well you know it's it's cool you get to be on a boat and i'm like it's not you're not making it sound like the kind of boat anybody would want to be on now you know it was nice i was on the the poop boat yeah he like i was like how the fuck do you get like you know held up with that job and he's like

i was new and i was like you just told me you worked on the boat for like three years like you never got promoted from like shit guy like the poop dude you never moved up i just ended up getting another job all right you know but yeah that seems like something you'd want to be on for like six weeks max before you come yeah max like that's like it's something that they're making you do because you're new and if you're doing it after a month then they fucking hate like they hate you they want to throw you the fuck out of the door, but they need someone to shovel burn-up shit from the fucking stove,

the furnace or whatever, like, over the fucking boat. Yeah, I, like, I think it, maybe it's just my dad, but he was like, he's like, man, there's just something I, he would, like, talk about those days in his life. When, I guess, you know, before, like, he's like, man, there's just something. He would like talk about those days in his life when I guess, you know, before he got my mom pregnant or whatever, which kind of made me think I was like, are you yearning for what sounds like the worst life possible? Before you knock my mom up and I came along, he'd be like, no, I ain't nothing like that and i'm like you just talked about how much you thoroughly enjoy like how much it was just kind of something you know it sucked but it's an easy life and then that life ended right when i was born he's like no no no instead of you know having a son you know it was a podcast

i remember when my life was pretty easy simple simple. Now, I have to check my email twice a week. I have to talk with you. I have to talk to my friend every week. You think that's all? Sometimes, outside of the podcast, we have to talk more. Yeah. And sometimes. About things like what time zones are and how to charge your laptop.

I got to email venue owners once every seven days because they don't respond i gotta look up numbers as and do basic math to determine could i sell out a show in columbus ohio one year from now i have to email patrick a picture of my leg hair every day to see if it's growing do you think that's easy you think that's something i wanted to do Do you think that's easy? You think that's something I wanted to do? No. But we put the work in.

I can't imagine telling my son when he's older, like, Dad, what was the easiest time of your life? What was the time you were the happiest? I'm like, well, twice a week, me and a guy would have a poorly connected video call that everyone hated but for some reason paid for and uh we we got we made some money we we played some we did some shows but uh yeah probably the hardest and easiest time that i ever had because i had to learn to do things like talk to an accountant yeah my kids are gonna be like wow you know you must have been pretty wild you know growing up i was like no i um had a radio show with um a much older man and then he was actually the last person ever to go to debtor's prison, which was not standard at the time. But they had him up in a tower with the big shackles on his wrists and ankles, and he's still up there talking to a big crow.

I'm talking to a big crow. I think it would rock to like, I mean, it would rock because I'd be in jail, but like to be in the history books is the last guy who went to debtor's prison. It's like one of those shitty, really sad weed stories where like, this man has been in jail for 42 years because of one gram of marijuana in 1968. I'm like 70 years old and they're trying to interview me and i'm like well i got a credit card and then i went to prison they're like what'd you buy was anything crazy i bought mcdonald's a thousand times i got a flight to uh to denver once. It was a horrible, terrible flight. And then I bought around 700 McChickens. And I got gas like 500 times.

I'm like, oh, that's it? No, I think I bought Coke with it like once. But... I think I just... Did you hear that? No, what was that that's my chair wow the last yeah that's all right that's all right i thought it was broken but it's not it was just breaking in is the gamer chair at your parents' place? Yeah. There's like a bolt missing out of it, and it doesn't – it hurts to sit on sometimes.

Also, I don't have the PC set up over here. That's right. That's right. I was looking into like building a second PC for over here but um not like a full gaming one just literally like a work setup yeah and dude pc parts have gotten like crazy expensive everything costs like nine million dollars now like the graphics card that i put in now like the graphics card that i put in that other one it was like at the time it was not like top top of the line but like i think it was like third best you could get because i didn't want to pay like a crazy amount for it so i think i saved up for a while and I think it was like 500 bucks. Yeah. Right? Like a good graphics card. And that same one now, keep in mind they have like a bunch of different graphics cards now

because it's been like a little over a year. That same one is like 800, 900 bucks on eBay. Because of all the like crypto mining and stuff. because because of all the uh like crypto mining and stuff i like still don't i think it's good that i like never took to that stuff or stocks because everybody that i talked to that's really into it has completely lost their fucking minds like not in a way that's redeemable or cool or funny really like i know that i complain about the same five or six things in my life but when i hang out with like my friends who who trade crypto or like stocks or whatever they're like yeah dude pussy pussy corn is down and i i threw i threw four grand into it and then i bought some tesla on a

short put option and now i owe robin hood 240 000 and i'm like why the fuck would you subject yourself to that emotional torment like why like i don't like i fundamentally don't understand like you know and i like i like what i don't get maybe i just don't have like a gambling like streak in me maybe i'm just like a drunk but like people if i were to put in like a thousand dollars in something and i got out at like 18 which is something that like i know like a couple people who something like that's Happened to maybe like 14 or 15. I Would not cry if Like the next day it was like 22, but that's something else I hear if I just held I could have bought a boat

I'm like dude, you got free dollars Yeah, I mean well you have to pay taxes on capital gains and people forget about that why hmm why would you ever pay taxes on capital gain you know it gets reported on the big stuff you do actually have to pay no i'm taking everything back i've ever said what i think i'm going to start doing i retract what i said all right it's getting real yeah i'm going to get really in to trading stocks i'm going to fucking i'm going to hit up kurt kurt you're listening

he is not he is not and uh he's a busy man i'm say kurt you need to give me all your inside info. And then I'm going to make $1 million and I'm not going to pay taxes on it. And then somebody who listens to the podcast is going to quote tweet me from a locked account. And they're going to say, socialism much? And it's going to get like, it's going to, the podcast is going to die. But I'll still have a million dollars. Because everyone will think that I'm like not think that I'm not an actual leftist or whatever and I'm like in the KKK or something.

Kurt can't hear you. He's busy listening to the Chemical Brothers right now. I like the Chemical Brothers. No, there's nothing wrong with them. That's just what he's listening to. Doing roundhouse kicks.

He's just what he's listening to doing roundhouse kicks yeah he's he's he's splitting cantaloupes open with his head over and over he in he did dm i was in a group the other day and he was like still waiting on the invitation to go on and i was like all. I just responded with a laugh react. I'm like, okay, well, I'll check the calendar, I suppose. We're booked out pretty far. We've got Prospector 50 more times. And then we got... Man, we got Sam Hyde coming on next week. Sam Hyde, Prospector.

I forget who we've had on, Felix. We've got Felix 50 more times. We haven't had Sam Hyde on. No, I know. I'm saying. I was like, when did that happen? Dude, if we could have Sam Hyde on from like five or four or five years ago, that would be funny. But like everything I watch from him on Instagram is like he's doing like self-improvement threads.

But he looks like an orc from like Shadow of War. He's like smoking a cigar the size of a fucking hot dog. And he's like, all right, here's the real shit. You want to be a man, dude? You want to fucking be like not a fake man like not a fucking written bnw's what you're going to do is you're going to do 100 push-ups in the morning you're going to smoke a cigar every night before bed one of these you're going to shave your facial hair so poorly that people just assume that you sell children then you're going to want to get a bunch of high-dollar kickboxing gear, and you're going to want to beat the fuck out of a bunch of 19-year-old cameramen

for two to five years until that pays off. Anything short of that, huge pussy. That being said, I think we should actually have him on. Yeah, I was thinking about we should have a bunch of celebrities on. I was thinking after we have Sam Hyde, we should probably have George Clooney. He's in a lot of movies I like. Fantastic Mr. Fox. Ocean's Eleven.

Band of Brothers uh he's not in that I was thinking of Oh Brother Where Art Thou yeah Oh Brother Where Art that movie rules

I love that movie John Goodman's so good in that yeah he's incredible he's incredible what a guy you know he doesn't have an Oscar no he doesn't dude he's like he was in that Cloverfield sequel.

10 Cloverfield Lane or whatever. Fucking incredible. He was the only person who actually, like, was kind of cool in The Gambler. The Gambler. With Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, dude. That was a stupid movie, but John Goodman was good in it. I keep forgetting that, like, before Mark Wahlberg was doing, like, patriotic, like, stuff for oil rig guys to jack off to, he was in, like, movies.

Like, Boogie Nights and like, like, like, well, he, the fighter, like, I guess that was in that era too, but. Well,

still that, Lone, like he, all he does now, he did the, the oil rig explosion movie. He did Lone Survivor. He did. Yeah.

It's just for stuff like Lockheed dads to go watch alone. Yeah. You know, they're watching and they're like, man, I got to bring the kids out to watch this next time. Go back and see it again with the kids. No,

I think it'd be funny if it was like, you know, like the kids is like, daddy, we have a movie night. What are you watching? Lone survivor know, like the kids. It's like, Daddy, can we have a movie night? What are you watching? Lone Survivor. I love that movie.

It's about the army guy? It is. Can we watch it with you? Nope. This is Daddy's private movie time. What do you mean? We always have Saturday night movie nights. And your wife is just in the kitchen, like, just she knows.

You know, she's like. But you've been married so long that you can't fuck. She can't do nothing about it. You got three you got three kids daddy please can we watch a movie it's my private movie time with lone survivor i will not repeat myself you're wearing like a like an army uniform that you you like bought it's just that no it's just the tops though like you're just wearing like a plate carrier and like camo and you're naked from the waist down completely rock solid this is this is my favorite time of the week time to put my war paint on on well I think if we're still doing this in two years and neither of us found a I guess a better We should either join a motorcycle gang or the military.

I actually like, of my daydream delusions that I have, where I just kind of leave this reality and I just think, for like two or three minutes. Those are two of them. and I just think, you know, for like two or three minutes. Those are two of them. Weirdly, like, just like moving to Montana and then working at a bar called like Chuck's Shack and then like I'm just, I work to polish the bar, clean the motorcycle. I'm not in the gang, but you know, I do.

I'm a favors guy. I'm kind of a fixer. You're like the guy at the saloon who plays the piano. Yeah, and everybody respects me. You can't fuck with the piano guy, you know i do i'm a favors guy i'm kind of you're like the guy at the saloon who plays a piano yeah and everybody respects me you can't fuck with the piano guy you know or or yeah yeah they always say that yeah don't don't you be messing with the piano guy like like a really rough hell's angels bar there's a They're doing Elton John night. That or like, yeah, like not joining the military, but like, I don't, I would never join the military. It's like when you're like a little kid and you're like, I could be a detective. Yeah.

Because I notice things other people don't notice. Yeah. And you're thinking about like a don't notice. Yeah. And you're thinking about a rock you found. Yeah. But I'm 27 years old and I'm like, dude, I could be Delta Force. It's not a big deal. I'm literally like, I still have childlike daydreams where I'm like, yeah, dude, how the fuck hard could it be in the CIA? You get to drive a car around.

And of course, having talked to people who live in that area, they're like, all the CIA are Mormons and they sit behind a computer all day. I'm like, no, not real. The CIA from the movies that I watch, that's what I want to be. And I could be that even though, you know, what I'm thinking about doesn't really exist. Yeah. really exist yeah like there's you know there's like black ops guys of course but like you know a suit and like a car with an english lady's voice in it james bond like that that's not real i'll sometimes be like yeah no i could probably i'd have to do some more push-ups and i could like you know yeah i i think my version of that is sometimes i mean i practice guitar like once every two weeks literally just it's like three chords and then i'll be listening to like a van halen solo and

i'm like i should learn this yeah i'm working on picking this up i'm just going to practice a bunch, and then I'll probably, you know. I'm going to learn Bad Moon Rising on guitar, and after that, I'm probably going to learn, like, flamenco style fingerpicking and all that. I've been playing more guitar since I've been in Houston because my drum set isn't here. Because it's the city of soul, baby. The city of soul, baby. The city of soul, baby. It's the heart of Texas. What you talking about?

You kind of said that like an old, like, effeminate, queeny New Jersey guy. It's the heart of Texas. I moved to the heart of Texas. I can't wait to move to the heart of Texas used car dealership and sandwich shop I'm moving the I'm moving to Pasadena Texas 45 minutes south-e Houston. We're gonna open up a fucking Audi used Audi dealership. I can't wait

to be a legitimate... You're like 5'3", just sinewy. Not jacked, but just spray tanned. Like 110 soaking wet. It's too expensive in New York. You know who owns all the fucking buildings. So I moved owns all the fucking buildings.

So I moved down to the soul of the south. Fort Worth, Texas. I moved down to the city with the most fucking soul you ever seen. Peace to Texas. You got a fucking hoagie shop on every corner. There's a Starbucks every fucking corner.

That would be silly if that happened. Yeah, that would be weird. That would be a weird guy. I don't really like that guy. I just really like doing that voice a lot. It's so much fun. I didn't even want to try because I knew I would throw it way off guard. And then you would try and keep doing the voice knew I would throw it way off guard. And then you would, you would try,

you would try and keep doing the voice and it would somehow be off. Yeah. Cause here's, it's one of those things that like you got to ease into, but when you start, like, I'm trying to think about doing it again. It's hard for me. It's hard. It's it's, you got to like find it and then stay in it. Like.

Yeah. Been there. Yeah. I love staying in it dude I'll be staying in there a guy who's never had sex before he's like like you're hanging out with him

he's like hey man when you fuck your girlfriend do you stay in it what do you mean for how long no like for me some guys wear condoms

and some guys pull out but me i'd be i'd be staying in it i never leave i'm in there all the time yeah fuck dude i think i think my girlfriend's pregnant oh shit for real what happened man i stayed in it yeah i stayed in that consistently. Yeah, I just, you know, we were, we, you know, dinner and drinks and, you know. Stay in it. In the heat of the moment, I just stayed in it.

I just fucking stayed in it, man. And now, I got a baby on the way. Because I stayed in it. I done stayed in it. I done stayed in it. Stay I stayed in it I done stayed in it I done stayed in it Stayed in it I fucking stayed in it Stayed in it

Hey let me tell you something A lot of y'all be out there Y'all be Y'all be wrapping it up Y'all be pulling it out But me I fucking stay in it Boy Stay in there.

I'll be staying in there. Where you staying at tonight? In it. Cause I'll be staying in it. They say, say boy where you stand I said and

and and and hey yo where the fuck you stand and and

and and I'm I'm just standing and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and I get in there I slide around but you know I don't believe when I be standing you think I'm fucking playing? Man, when I laid up with my bitch

I spawned There's no action It's like a barred out Louisiana fisherman. It's like, Oh, you know, we don't be leaving on it.

We'll be starring. You sound like a didgeridoo in health class whatever teachers like now listen safe sex is good sex. You don't want to be stern. Well,

you got to get it, man. You want to be stern. Student raises his hand. What was the last part? Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to slur or something. You got stuttered? No, no, I just, oh, the last part last you need to be i hope i remember this conversation like 30 years from now so i'm ever talking with my son

and you're giving him the talk you know and i'm like look what am i doing no i'm giving up you're not giving my son to talk wow i appreciate this man's opportunity i haven't talked to you in 10 years as a 51 year old man yeah like hey this is uh my friend thomas he's gonna talk to you about star i'm speaking through like a hose so so the way that it works son you know is it man loves woman and if they want to have children, get real close to your kid. Very emotional.

Tearing up. Eyes are all bloodshot. You want to make a baby with a woman of your dreams? You got to... Dad, what? You got to... Dad, I know how it works. Dad, I know how it works. You're so sad now. Dad, I know how it works, okay?

I've been on the internet my entire life. It's your fault. Yeah, but you might be on the internet, but you ain't an-er. No, it's a storm. You ain't an-er. Just stroking you out of the- Just no lower jaw whatsoever. Yeah.

Oh, man. What, um... For the record, I didn't just check to see how much time we have. What's your favorite part of the internet? what's your favorite part of the internet and what are some facts about the internet that you know i remember um my dad so my dad had this like i was probably like maybe like nine two okay yeah was going to just guess numbers until I got there

maybe 11 maybe 3 1, 4 he would be like he would find funny videos off Newgrounds I'd be like what's that he's like oh man there's all sorts of funny shit on here.

You should get on here one day. And I'm like, okay. And that was, like, my first foray into, like, the Internet proper. Because before that, it was, like, mini clips and, like, Internet games or whatever, you know. And it's, like, forums and shit and games where you you know and it's like a forum forums and shit and games where you can play like as a school shooter and you have you get extra points for killing all the chinese people like just the most like fucked up shit like like you know and it was pretty tame i guess by today's standards but even then so i guess like my formative years

those early newgrounds years were super funny because like you could talk to a guy who because like day trading is old like i remember when i was like first online on the internet and like fucking around on the new grounds message boards and it would be like a bunch of grown men that are like got into like day trading or like doing penny stocks like over the phone or whatever and uh they're like yeah you know i'm fucking ruined man i got nothing like what happened bro well you know i fucking put like 12 grand on something man you know wife's gone just to you know backpack in the middle of fucking and i'm like oh i'm only 10 i don't know anything about this but you know almost 20 years later now it's like the same shit like people guys i know are like man my old lady's up

my fucking ass and i'm like oh what happened man i don't got no money like no more like at all uh it's all gone what'd you do with it i bought uh doge and Ethereum. Okay. Yeah, that's your fault. That was a gross miscalculation on your part. What was your favorite part of the internet? Early on, probably Mind Sweeper and the pinball thing on the old Windows. But those aren't internet though. That's on the computer.

I said internet. Are you fucking listening? Early on probably coolmathgames.com as well as what we would do in elementary school is we would find the

cool hard to get games right on the school computers yeah and we play them for about two days before the school admins would find that we were on them and shut them down and we started basically finding like a new one every week there was like addicting games yeah yeah I remember that shit um that was fun I didn't really get into interacting with people online until I was

probably 12 or so and that was within a pretty like I would say I didn't get like online online until i was like 14 13 maybe i was and that was that was mostly through twitter um yeah and then there were a couple like rap forums i was on there was this thing on Newgrounds.

They called it a dating simulator. And it was a game you could play. And it was like... So what you would do... And I'm telling on myself, but I was 10, so I don't give a shit. What you'd do, it was very funny. You would answer certain questions, and then a picture... Like if you won the

game which was like getting the woman to fuck you picture of a woman's tits would pop up on the computer like a grainy jpeg but you'd have to go through and do a whole bunch of shit like you got to like answer the right questions and be at the right places at a certain time and like you also have to work a job like this thing it had a job you'd end it you'd like the more money you made the more likely you know that, like, get the picture at the end. That was, like, the whole point of the fucking game is to look at a grainy Miller Lite girl's, like, tits. So, anyway, there was a cheat code in that game to give you $1 million to start with. And if you put the cheat code in, the picture of the tits would just pop up with, like, any of the game.

Like, it was just, like, an immediate, like, poof. And to me, that was my first, like, I was like, Oh, is that how the world works? I suppose so. And,

uh, pretty much correct. Yeah. Yeah. That's about, uh, you start out with $1 million. You just get to see him. Yeah. Yeah yeah that's kind of what i was getting at you know the sort of the point of the story kind of like yeah yeah well if you didn't want me to say something after i mean you could that's

fine how about every time you tell a story i just sit here and i cry like i do for the rest of you i thought for a second you were just gonna say you sit here and don't make any noise like you do that now no right now i'm sleepy and everyone is yelling at me and so what do i do i compartmentalize that and i show something you can compartmentalize and shove it down? Well, I wasn't done talking. You're done now? Well, no, I'm not done. I was actually. Wait, actually, let me see how much longer we've got.

I was actually just wrapping up, which is crazy. Folks, on this one, I am absolutely dialing it in. And that's okay. You're staying at end. You're staying at home. I'm staying at home. I'm staying at home. If you want to stay or in the know, you should subscribe

to the premium episodes. You should check out the free ones too, which you're on the right track with. You're on the right. Hey, if you're checking out the free ones, you're fucking A-OK, big dog.

Hey, you check these out. You don't even have to check out the other ones. Yeah, you do. These are free. You don't have to pay for them or anything. If I were you, I'd just... Why give us anything?

But what I'm doing here is a Jedi mind trick. This is... It was invented by the underground rap group Jedi Mind Tricks. I would not like for you to sub to the Patreon. If you sub to the Patreon, that means you have

a small penis that stinks. And if you only listen to the free ones and pirate the premiums... The RSS feed, which is pretty easy to do. Yeah, it's super easy to do. You have a big one and it smells like lilies or whatever the fuck. So take that.

Is lily, is that good? I don't even know. I don't even. Do girls prefer that? I don't fucking know. Oh, great. Flowers. Wow, this is just what I wanted.

I guess it's better than it smelling bad. Yeah, like a barrel or something. Dude, I would fall the fuck apart. Like, you know, I'd be like, hey, have you showered recently? No. All right, all right we should do that okay if a girl told me that my penis smelled like a barrel i'd be like excuse me yeah i don't know like i thought i couldn't place it jake but like i was getting i thought it was musty for a second it's a it's an old barrel that they wore in the Depression era.

Like in the cartoons, the guys that had the barrels. That's what it smells like. Yeah, it smells like somebody found it in Bowser's Castle. It smells like a Coinstar receptacle. Yeah. Sounds like somebody went down Niagara Falls. Well, if you've got one that you don't want it to smell like a barrel or, you know. A barrel is, you know, or maybe an empty grain silo.

Dude, I feel like that would actually smell good, though. Like an empty grain silo. Like a recently empty grain silo, like just fresh grain. Recently empty what? Did you eat all the grain there? I did. I did. Yeah, you're getting way too full now, man. Are you doing fat phobia right now?

I'm doing a no growth. Yeah, your penis does one of those. Yeah? Yeah, because it's normal. It stays the same. It's normal size. It stays normal. Yeah, it's always the regular size. Yep. 24-7.

You thought you got me, but I got you right back. Yep, looks normal right now. Sir, I'm afraid you have the most normal penis of us. Yes, we're going to have to take you to see a specialist because of how regular and

common this looks. This is not extraordinary at all. And there's nothing weird about it. There's not even anything wrong with it. It's just the most regular plant beans we've ever seen. I need you to understand what I'm saying.

It's not small. It's not bent up. It's not mashed up like fucking peas. It's fine. It's too normal though. There's nothing. It is not a smidge out of place. It is mathematically so average that it's impossible. And it's hurting my eyes to look at it.

I feel like I'm looking at fractals. Why would you tell me that? Well, because... You know I cry a lot. Yeah, I know that. I can't do it. Anyway, thanks for tuning in. Yeah, thanks for hanging out. Bye.