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The Tiny Penis Show with your host, Tiny Penis Thomas.
Thomas, you were just telling me that your penis got a little bit tinier.
It got even tinier.
How tiny did it get?
Well, as you know, I was working with roughly the size of a little caterpillar.
And now, it is like a little piece of dirt.
Little piece of dirt, okay.
It is such a small thing that it looks like a little bitty...
It looks like it would not even scare a ladybug.
It's too small for a fly to land on.
Too small to even be perceived by the human eye.
You have to use special...
It can only fit one sperm in it.
That's a very funny biologic.
You get one.
It's like a pea shooter.
You just get like one. You get one to one. It's like a pea shooter. You just get one to go.
It's like a slingshot.
Yeah.
It's like those big sniper rifles, like anti-tank.
They just have one fucking round in them.
That would rock.
If I get you pregnant, there is an 80% chance there will be a birth defect.
First of all, I don't know if I'm capable of penetration.
It's more of like a rubbing thing.
Second of all, I get one shot at this.
You kind of got to clear the runway for me.
Yeah.
You have to...
You got to make it like a slip and slide.
Yeah, pubes can't be...
It's just, oh, you like shaved...
It's not the shave thing, really.
It's mostly just.
It's not an innie.
Yeah, it's more of like an awnee, I guess.
It's not out or in.
It's just kind of.
It's barely an izzy.
Listen, so I just, I know that we've really, you know, we've talked about having kids.
So basically I get one shot at this every month because it takes the sperm a while to grow.
Because I only, like I said, have one.
I have one milligram.
Yeah.
My millimeter.
I have one milligram of penis.
Yeah.
So you'll know when it's ready to go.
Mass-wise, that's what I'm working with.
Mass-wise. So, you know um we can try i
can't guarantee that it won't be like four foot four uh for its whole life like it'll come out
four foot four and it'll stay four foot four uh i can't guarantee that it won't have like uh
just kind of no neck just kind of a head that sits, like, right at the clavicle.
I can't guarantee that it won't be glowing green.
Sort of like some sort of swamp critter.
But, you know, we're married and you love me.
So, we must make this work.
And we're still here with Tiny Penis Radio.
And we're back to our expert, Jake.
He's seen more tiny penises than any other man.
Ginormous penis Jake here.
So I study tiny penises.
That's not what it said.
That's my name on the show.
So I study tiny penises to understand.
We've got a piece of paper right here.
And to better understand how men suffer from such a plight
because I don't understand what that would be like um just to have a tiny one so you don't you don't usually suffer when it's really big
no no it it's just it just goes right down down the hatch
yeah no uh it's it's a pretty it's well when you have it when you have a big one like i like a
ginormous one that ginormousous Penis Jake, like my name,
you're better equipped to deal with them.
Oh, to handle them?
Yeah, to handle them.
And so I kind of just know, you know, it's like you get better with a weapon.
You know, you get better at aiming and fucking clearing rooms and shit
and, you know, changing magazines.
Because I'm ginormous Pen penis Jake on Tiny Penis Radio
the radio
for penises of all shapes and sizes
you know, yeah, I have a better understanding
of what it means to have a huge
honking fucking toad
but enough about me, this is your show
so, right, it's my show yeah yeah tiny penis radio i'm holding
up this tiny microphone for a reason it's i'm holding it like a teacup yeah um so in your
travels what what state would you say in the united states has the tiniest penises of all? I would say probably somewhere in Europe, a part of America.
Oh, so like in the Northeast?
Yeah, like probably somewhere in the South North area.
Yeah, okay.
Middle and the edges.
Middle South, Texas. The thing about if you if you grab
from the edges you get more crunch that's true but towards the middle if you want more gooey
yeah more chewy ooey gooeyness you'll go and that's that's just for brownies i don't know
what else that applies to. But, you know.
Yeah, so in your travels, you'd say that, you know,
so you talk to men with little tiny tinky-winkies.
And what would you say is their number one frustration?
I would say a big frustration for guys with tiny micropenises is,
let's say that they've lived at this place
for like a year and a half,
and all of a sudden the trash day is on Thursday
instead of Wednesday.
And, you know, let's say they're mine.
You know, they're like dogs.
They're trained to Tuesday night.
They know the trash day is Wednesday,
so they get everything together for trash day.
Well, maybe on Tuesday night, a night where they would have some time off,
they start getting everything ready for trash day,
only to realize they've been duped.
Right.
And it's really Thursday.
So it wouldn't have anything to do with the little dinker.
It's mostly just minor mundane life frustrations?
I guess maybe they don't think about it all the time.
I hadn't really considered that.
You know, maybe they just keep their little black dick in their pants
and they don't think about, you know.
You've been on this black dick kick, dude, for like three episodes now.
No, no, I don't mean it.
It's been like fucking two or three in a row.
No, no.
Where you're like, can't keep that black dick.
I don't know what you're referring to.
Yes, you do, because you have a fucking look on your face.
This is an audio recording.
I don't find this stuff funny.
I don't think the idea of me having a little black dick for some reason would be funny.
You know?
Yeah.
The juxtaposition.
You know?
Yeah.
The juxtaposition.
Your frame and, like, your look, the hair, the voice, like, you as a man,
but a little black, that would be hilarious, actually.
I do see where, like, if you're just somebody pantses you at a pool party.
It's just a little.
A little just black.
Black dick. So So hold on though
Are you nuts
But also
I think
You know
A lot of it lies
In the fact that
You know
A lot of it lies
In the stereotypes
That we need to address
As privileged individuals
Right right right
You can go first
If you'd like
Well you know
As a white
I'd like to give you
The opportunity
You know
As a white privileged man
You know I Just by nature of my birth, life is easier for me.
You know, basically from birth, from out the womb, my life was so good.
It honestly kind of like makes me get choked up and really sad how good my life was.
of like makes me get choked up and really sad how good my life was and so when i think about you know like checking my privilege i think to myself well i don't have a big huge honking
fucking coke can of a pecker and uh maybe that's like a little something that some people get to
like you know but uh if you had a little black penis as a white man,
I feel like it would even out some of that privilege.
You know what I'm saying?
In some ways, yes.
But I think, you know, you got to –
I know people like it when I talk about redlining and, you know,
bias and insurance and stuff.
So we can get into that too. But for now, you know, bias and insurance and stuff. So we can get into that too.
But for now, you know.
Discriminatory housing practices.
Yeah, I know I'm very well versed on these things.
I definitely wouldn't misrepresent.
What it was.
Any involved groups.
Right.
You know.
But, you know, the.
Anyway, yeah yeah I mean
Back to what I was saying
I don't think most guys
With let's say they've even got a little
White dick tucked in that little
Spot in the front of the
Boxer shorts
Usually really baggy you know
Like they remember a criss cross or something
Like it's got its own little pouch or something
Yeah
Some guy who's just got like a small dick
And he's like
Yeah dude
They make boxers super baggy nowadays
It's like what are these
What are these gerbodes?
They're making these fucking
You know those like underarm
Jinkos
I thought those underarm briefs
Were supposed to be pretty form-fitting,
but they're just falling off me.
Yeah, they're just tight on my ass.
They're super loose on my dick and balls area.
On my black dick.
I remember the first time, so like, I think I first heard about it.
I had to sit with that one for a bit.
It's just super loose around my tiny little black penis, man.
The first time I heard about what a micro penis was, I think I was, like, nine.
And it was on South Park.
And, like, I knew what micro meant, and I knew what penis meant.
But I could, contextually, I was like, oh, it's a really, like, small dick.
But it wasn't until I saw, I forget where I, I think it was on, I know I was like oh it's a really like small dick but it wasn't until I saw I forget
where I I think it was on I know I was on the computer I don't know yeah maybe it was like
Newgrounds or something or somebody sent me the link on Twitter I don't remember but it was the
Howard Stern clip where he brought like six of these guys on dude and you know Stern he's like
all right so um we got some of the hottest women in the world
here and their tits are out so why don't you just pull that little thing out man and the guys are
like all right and uh you know like they were small or whatever you know and i'm like man that's
that's unfortunate but one dude was big like a fat guy and he had like a fupa and he would like
press the fupa it would like and that's just seared, dude.
It's just right here.
Right where learning how to ride a bike and the first time I played catch is just like...
I burnt into the old noggin.
I can't unsee it.
It kind of popped out like a zit.
This was not a very cool thing to view.
And then I realized...
It just was not a very cool thing to view.
And then I realized it was one of those things where, like, you hear about somebody else's plight in life and it puts perspective on your own.
Where you're like, you know what?
I ain't got it all that bad.
Dude, that shit would suck. Having a micro penis, like a normal one, like kind of just a small, like a medically small penis, that sucks.
I don't, you know, it's probably bad.
that sucks.
I don't,
you know,
I would,
it's probably bad having an any that you have to like,
like,
dude,
I did that point.
Just like put a wig.
I don't know. Like,
what do you do?
The guy seemed pretty jovial about it.
He was like,
yeah,
it's a,
you know,
it's kind of a cool party trick or something.
And I was like,
don't say that.
Please don't imply that you're like,
Hey,
we're watching the game.
You guys want to see the,
you know,
it's like the worst party trick is not having a micro penis and taking it out that actually you're so right if
i if i had a close friend like one of my boys was like this whole time's like hey man we've known
each other 10 years i have uh i have addicted so tiny you have to press on it for it to i'd be like
dude you never showed me i would feel betrayed i think like if he never was like ever just whipped it out yeah the the the
only size the you have to have like you know one end of the the you know yeah yeah population graph
like it has to be either like a foot long or like almost non-existent where you can kind of just pull it out yeah i have i have a
even then you know obviously you can't do that all the time you know what i mean
if you have a like i have a friend in my immediate friend group who's got a fucking
cannon and it's a one and done thing i'm not
who is who is it i got'm coming to Austin now.
I swear to fucking God.
We'll do the video episode at your house.
I know I've been coming the last two months.
I'm here.
I'm here now.
God damn it.
I'm in the Prius.
I'm outside.
But yeah, he whipped it out once or twice, and I was like, that's awesome, man.
Sick life.
Okay, don't do that anymore.
But I feel like if it was medically small, it'd have to be once a month.
I don't know.
I feel like if it was funny small, that's much cooler to me, at least as a spectator sport,
than just being a guy with a huge fucking frog in between his legs.
You know what I'm saying?
spectator sport than just being a guy with like a huge fucking frog in between his legs you know i'm saying like um no next time that happens i can take it just take a break dude so just a guy
does that you just take your your regular dick out it's just not comfortable anymore uh it's just
just two guys with their dicks.
Yeah.
You just start slapping yours against it. Yeah.
I'm trying to fluff it to get it harder to make it look better.
You start crying.
Yeah.
I've just got a standard issue M4 just arm and piece.
Yeah.
Everyone realizes that you're not drunk.
Yeah.
I haven't drank in six.
I've been sober. Everybody's doing coke and shit. I haven't drank in like six. I've been sober.
Everybody's like doing coke and shit.
I'm like, yeah, whoa.
And they're like, Jake, you fucking back on that shit again?
And I'm like, no, man, just fucking, you know, some water.
You throw a party and you pull that on the first guy who shows up before anyone else.
Then you don't do the party trick again.
The guy's like waiting the whole night like, please, is he going to do this to anyone else?
And then you don't.
He brings it up at a different party and you're like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, dude.
I've never done that.
He just realizes he was a victim.
Hey, I don't really – you're actually kind of making me uncomfortable.
I don't really know.
I don't really know.
Dude, I had a – when I first moved in with Ed Egger when I was a freshman, 18, dude, like I don't know this guy.
You know, we both like to skateboard and we both kind of, you know, came up, you know, like broke.
Families kind of fucked up or whatever.
So we like bonded on that.
But other than that, I didn't really know his sense of humor.
You know, we kind of just kind of like bonded on that but other than that i didn't really know a sense of humor you know we kind of just kind of like bought it over that stuff and uh but like two or three weeks in um god i wish i wish i could have him on because he's much better at telling the story
than i am this is like our first weekend at the dorm uh after our first week of classes and uh
you know we stayed up to write papers and like you know do
stuff and read and uh dorm was really small like five feet from each other so it's bed a little bit
of floor bed and uh hey man i'm gonna fucking shut the lights i'm gonna go to bed he's like i should
go to bed too all right night night man and uh turn the lights off and i hear like a water bottle
crinkling and i'm like oh okay well at first I was like oh
he's just like drinking water whatever it goes on for like 10 minutes like an inordinate amount of
time like a crinkling water bottle and I'm like but it's pitch black in there I can't see anything
like there's no lights there's no lights coming from the outside of the hallway it's pitch black
in there so I pull my phone out and I just like go to look at my phone like to get a better i'm like what the fuck is this guy doing turn my phone on and i get just
enough light to see that he has uh he's arched his back and uh i can't see he's arched his back
up and he's got a water bottle he's pretending to shove it in his ass he's got his blanket over it
so but you could just see the end of like it's like a long one of those long like uh like smart water bottles or
whatever and he's just like staring at me and i was like dude what the fuck are you doing he's
like oh it's just my little routine before bed and i was like oh and he's like starts laughing
he's like sorry man i i thought it would be funny and i was like no it's hilarious i just moment that I like – like it kind of flashed before – like for a split second before I realized he was kidding, I was like, oh, I'm about to get into a fight.
But not like a party fight, like something really bad is going to happen to you if you lose this.
Like just for a moment I was like, oh, man, this – something really bad might happen to me.
Like something – but anyway anyway i brought that up because
like two weeks later um he comes home from a i didn't go out that night he come home from the
bar like shithouse drunk and we have a fucking bathroom we have our own bathroom we did not share
a bathroom with anybody uh we both were like got the used our scholarship for like the fancy dorm
package or whatever and and he walks right past our bathroom pulls his penis out and pisses in
the sink and i like i like get up like i sit up in bed i'm like dude come the fuck on man
and he goes what and i was like you're pissing in the fucking sink dude that's gross and he goes
ah yeah and then lifts his dick up and then pisses on his toothbrush and mine just just just sprays
piss all over it and he was and he like puts it then he like finishes pissing in the sink and he
like turns to me and i'm like laughing i'm pissed but i'm like he pushes like five but i'm laughing
and he's like i'm sorry man it just felt right to do in the moment and i was like okay all right
and then like his dick is still kind of like,
just the tip of it's out of his zipper,
and he starts laughing so hard
that he falls back into his closet,
and it's just making a big ruckus or whatever.
And it was kind of late,
and our RA knocks on the door,
and she was like, hey, what are y'all fucking doing?
Or whatever, please keep it down.
Noises between 11 or whatever.
And he walks off or whatever, and he like gets up and he's like i'm gonna i'm gonna go talk she's
a bit like his dick is still like this dude he he was he has pulled his penis out he peed on our
friend's shoes while they were his feet were in them while they were standing pissing in the grass
together it was our friend jared uh uh we were fuck where were we at i think we were at our own house we all went to the back
fence to piss and uh and uh yeah like they're both pissing and uh i'm standing there pissing
next to ed so it's me ed and this guy jared and we're all just bullshit drunk or pisses like that's
a good party man good turnout yeah yeah yeah yeah think we're out of booze those probably start kicking
everybody out yeah yeah and I just hear Jericho dude are you fucking serious and
I look over and it just turned and is just pissing on Jared's like Jordans
he's just George's what the fuck are you doing and he's like i just thought it'd be funny and like he's such a nice
wholesome guy that like like you believe him he has no malice about it he just is like i just
thought it'd be funny and you're like man it is it's very annoying but it's like i do got to get
another toothbrush but watching a grown man whip his dick out drunk and sacrifice his own toothbrush to piss me off.
It's like very it is a very, very good joke.
Like, I think that I appreciate that.
Well, dude, what's funny is we're fucking twenty eight, twenty nine years old now and we'll be out in public like at bars or whatever with like he's like he dates around, you know, he'll bring girls to come hang out with us.
And he just doesn't, we're kind of the same.
He doesn't understand, like, hey, man, some stories are just not.
So this would be a girl, he's like, oh, this is, you know, Lucy or so-and-so,
whatever the fuck.
We've been, you know, we went on a date the other night.
It went well, so I figured I'd drag her out of here, you know.
I'm like, oh, cool.
And then, like, he'll get, like, three, four beers deep, and we're all bullshitting, you know, and she's laughing with us.
And he's like, he'll be like, yeah, dude, remember that time that everybody in the house tucked their penises between their legs like pussies, and we just walked around like that for, like, two hours?
And I'm like, yeah, I do remember that.
And he's like, and I'm looking at her, and she's like.
He's like, man, that was so fucking funny, dude.
I just thought it was funny, man.
And I'm like, dude, me and you think that's funny.
And like probably the rest of the roommates who are laughing.
But there are people in your new friend group.
They're like, they're like, like doing Mangina for like two seconds.
Classic.
There's nothing that beats a classic like, hey, guys, check this out.
Coming out of the shower, drop the towel.
Man, pussy.
No, nothing beats it.
It is a five star bit.
But walking around like that for like half an hour.
Yeah, it's no longer.
No longer You know
Universally
Known joke
Yeah yeah
It's like
Yeah exactly
Remember when we used to do that
For like a few months
But do you remember when you
Do you remember when we would go get
Birth control pills
And mash them up
And take them with milkshakes
And buy wigs and stuff
And hang out together
Do you remember when we used to
Call each other by different names?
Anyway.
Anyway.
Shout out to Ed, the champion of pulling his ding-a-ling out.
Well, you know, it's been a long time.
But, you know, it was a classic, classic bit.
Every group's got to have a guy who does that.
I always, you know, I see it on the internet sometimes.
It's like, why do guys pull their penises out when they hang out with each other?
Isn't that gay?
The answer to that question is yes.
It is gay, but it's also hilarious.
It's also not gay contextually.
We're not sucking each other.
There's a chance you would if you had one.
Yeah, exactly.
You don't have anything to pull out other than boobs which you know it's pull your titty out but it's like pulling a titty out pull you know what
pulling one titty out is funny but it can't be both because then you're just showing your tit
but if you pull just one titty out it conceptually that could be funny in the right context but it's
always funny if you're with a bunch of dudes and y'all are fucking yeah it's it's i don't want to say it's a bigger risk right it's like uh but it has a less of a chance of landing
yeah no 100 right yeah i imagine with you know if it's just a if it's an all-girl function maybe
sure yeah that's that probably kills actually yeah no i sort of say one tit and i'm thinking
of a function like a mixed dudes and then one, and then it's just like really weird tension.
Yeah, she's like, hey, I want to be one of the guys.
Just kind of like this.
Just one squeezed tit.
Everybody's turn facing the other way.
Yep.
And there's like, well, everybody except like one guy that's like.
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah.
Every party has that dude.
Yeah, no, I wouldn't.
Also, let's clarify.
A mixed gender get-together, pulling your penis out at one of those.
Not good.
Not good.
And if you pull the trigger on that, it has to be so well-timed.
And literally the platonic ideal of penis pulling out bit like
it can't just be like oh no because then you're just a weirdo i can't even think of a scenario
where it could happen i think high cons i'm thinking high level maybe it would have to be
people you know like there's so many things that would have to be in play maybe a polycule type situation yeah yeah i just i don't
i don't see i i would say just don't don't do it okay if you are because the the risk to reward
the risk to reward ratio is very low i would say that if you're at a mixed gender party but you're
in the boys zone like you know you all go outside and then you're. But, you know. I would say if there's a way you can do it to where only one person sees it
and it's one of your boys.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Like through the zipper just the head.
That's a great one.
Less threatening that way.
Yeah, yeah.
Less dangerous.
Also, if you ever pull out your ass as well at the same time, that's too far.
You can't do that.
The ass, I feel like, isn't as bad as the dick, though.
No, but the combination is.
Oh, no.
Yeah, because then you're just bantered out.
Jesus is fucking.
Yeah, you're just all out there.
Yeah, you're all out there.
Like, your taint is out.
Yeah, I feel like nuts are.
Yeah.
Your entire intimate zone is out.
Yeah, yeah.
I feel like nuts aren't as bad as the dick, but still bad at mixed gender get-together.
I feel like nuts are only bad if they're way too big.
Dude, I...
Or something.
Like, if you have, like, extreme, like, weird horse nuts or something.
I told you about...
Yeah, I told you about fucking...
Fucking our old roommate, Frank.
Dude, his shit, like... They're not big. He just has, like, too much scrotum. fucking our other old roommate, Frank.
Dude, his shit like,
they're not big.
He just has like too much scrotum.
And he would fucking... It just aired.
Dude, no, he would not be on purpose.
We would be like Sunday after a party, right?
There would be some stragglers,
people to stay the night.
And he had a sick,
we had a sick entertainment system set up
and he'd bring his PS4 on Sunday.
We'd all drink beer and fucking play games
or whatever. But he would in athlete like blown out athletic
shorts no boxers i'm shitting you not dude you know how when you sit in the athletic shorts kind
of right up and like mid die i got them on right now and i can see it dude one of his nuts would
just be like the tip of him would just be like hanging down to like like right to tip down i was
like dude you gotta tuck those motherfuckers in man he's like oh sorry dude my bad and then like one time i i like walked into his bathroom and he was sitting on the
toilet in his underwear with the toilet down he was hung over and he was running a shower i was
like hey man i gotta both nuts out of one leg of his underwear just i'm like dude how is that even
possible he's like i don't know man leave me alone about it but Leave me alone about it. But it's a gift.
Actually, it seems more like a curse.
But, yeah, you can have weird nuts if you're going to pull them out.
Actually, I take that back.
That would be default.
Standard issue nuts.
Again, it has to be on one end of the spectrum.
If you've got tiny little nuts, yeah, absolutely.
Or if you've only got one.
You've only got one.
Or I know you said no big ones but if they're bowling if you've got
hammers that i feel like that but they've got to be probably they've got like avocados dude
like they got to be like really fucking abnormal it needs to be understood that you also have a
small dick yeah big big balls i've said it a million times it's the best combo dude that is
god's combination yeah you small I envy those guys every day.
It's tiny dick, giant balls.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean.
Because even a girl is going to think that's, is probably going to think that's funny.
Yeah, well, yeah, because it's not like you're going to like.
Not even entirely like, ew, but like, man, fuck it.
That is a funny thing to witness.
You know what?
I think about, I've never seen the adverse.
My friends who pulled their penises out.
I've never seen a guy.
I'm thinking how funny it would be to have a huge dick
but your dick hangs below your balls.
Like the inverse of that.
Huge cock, little nutsack.
It would just look like an elephant.
Yeah, that would be funny, wouldn't it?
Fuck you and your ass, you fucking loser.
Idiot. I hope you get AIDS.
I hope you get AIDS.
If I got AIDS, I would give it to you within
a second.
Hey, I'm back at your house again.
I'm here to give you AIDS.
I like the
turnaround on it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd give it give you AIDS. I like the turnaround on it.
Oh, yeah.
I give it to you so fast that it instantly develops into AIDS from it.
Oh, yeah.
It doesn't take like six months
to like germinate or whatever the fuck.
Yeah, that would be good.
Hey, sorry, man.
I just, you know. They they got medicine it makes it last longer
uh yeah i got aids again yeah i had a few months ago i cleared it up but it's back
did we ever figure out so magic johnson isn't a gay man i don't remember him being an intravenous
drug user did he just fuck a lot how did he get aids he fucked a lot of women like like whores and shit like he fucked like like 14 women a day i think he was like asap rocky levels of orgies yeah he fucked
like all like wilt chamberlain level like all day every day yeah jr smith now to believe that he
only ever fucked women you know maybe that's true right i if you're fucking that much i don't see
the i don't see the point.
Yeah, if you're fucking like 20.
I don't mean this in a weird way.
I mean, like, if you're clearly that horny.
If you have that much goo to give.
If you're fucking, if you're putting your dick in 14 different people every day, do you care that much?
Because, you know, I mean. Yeah. With the monogamy type thing, it's like, well, yeah, you care.
But I don't know.
If you're just looking for a hole, I don't know.
And you're telling me he was only ever on the giving end of that?
Yeah, that's a good point, man.
He got his dick up 14 times a day.
Dude, I'm thinking about, like, if you put a gun to my head,
you're like, you have to.
I don't know, man.
That seems out of the question.
He said he had sex with six women at one time.
Okay.
I mean, but what does that mean?
Like, is he fucking everyone?
I mean, I don't know, man.
Yeah, he would have just kissed one.
There were, you know, maybe there were six women there.
Yeah.
He penetrated three, ate one out, and then kissed one, and the other was just kind of there.
And he was like, whatever.
Yeah.
You're associating with this act.
You're a losing loser bitch.
One just brought him orange juice.
For hydration purposes.
Yeah.
It says, let's see.
I'm going to look.
I'm looking.
I looked up Magic Johnson sex.
This is, you know, a normal thing for a grown man to be looking up.
Yeah. So he clarified. This is, you know, a normal thing for a grown man to be looking up Yeah, so he clarified This is 1991
Okay
I confess that after I arrived in LA in 1979
I did my best to accommodate as many women as I could
Most of them through unprotected sex
He wrote the November 18th issue of Sports Illustrated.
That's such a fucking wild thing to say.
That's awesome.
Accommodate.
Johnson, his wife, and family members
declined to be interviewed for this story.
I wonder why.
I forgot he was married.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
That's more power to you,
man.
You know,
if you want to ruin your whole family's life by being a fucking complete and
total fucking sick dog animal,
you got to do it.
You know,
it's,
uh,
I didn't know that there were like whole teams of,
uh,
hush hush lawyers for for a lot of NBA players.
That basically their only job is to keep...
Basically, these guys will get women pregnant.
And then they'll do the NDA thing.
And it's like, you can have all this money.
But you can't sue this guy or whatever the fuck.
Or you can't name and shame him or whatever.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Yeah, apparently he doesn't drink or use drugs.
He just, like, never has.
He was just a wild...
Yeah, that makes it worse, in my opinion.
Yeah, you were sober doing all that?
What the fuck, man?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
But, you you know some guys
they have problems
Thomas
I almost called you Jake
that would have been funny
hey Jake
how you doing buddy
you okay man
yeah
I've been learning
how to read again lately
me too
it's been eye opening
I'm reading a
do you know
go ahead
yeah come on Bubba
I'm good
spit it out
I've been trying to read this book that's like 80 pages, and I'm just about finished with it.
And I was like, did I?
Eight?
Eight pages, yeah.
No, 80.
Yeah, just casually bragging like they suck at a bar.
Yeah, I'm basically like, it's like a caterpillar, he's super hungry.
Yeah.
So if you think like thematically like a very hungry
caterpillar
could be
catapultism
because of the way
they're called
sort of like a
modern day
sofa quees
caterpillars eat
and the machine
is always hungry
for more workers
so
it's not Mark's,
but it's very close to him.
You may have heard of
Horton.
You probably haven't read it.
I haven't read the whole thing.
I've seen the pictures in it. Maybe Mommy
read it to you.
I bet you didn't read all the words yourself.
I bet you probably can't even open
a whip book. A pop-up
book. I bet you can't even
do a nine-piece puzzle.
The snobbish retard.
I did a
20-piece puzzle. It took me only three
weeks. So... Yeah,
no big deal. I basically
like...
That dog... Dog goes woof. Dog goes woof. No big deal. I basically like, um...
That dog... You know, dog goes woof.
I can't remember the whole one way out of this boy.
That aloof, like...
Yeah, you know, it's not...
Dog goes moo.
Orange.
Yeah.
Sunshine.
Many people can't understand conceptually that duck go quack
But I took to it pretty easily
I knew early on it
You know
One
Two
Three
One
Three
Two
One
You know I took
I knew you know
Daddy
Mommy
Poo poo
Daddy
Pee pee
Stinky No Yeah No, daddy, mommy. Poo-poo. Daddy. Pee-pee.
Stinky.
No, yeah.
You drifted into, you drifted, sometimes you'll do this voice and you start to drift into Cholo.
Like, not Cholo, but like, yes, yes.
No.
I am just like a little baby boy.
Basically, like.
Pero, like, I am just a little baby.
I don't know why you're trying to ruin
my kindergarten experience.
I'm here to learn.
I'm here to learn my times table.
Times 10, times 10,
and 100.
Man, I'm sitting here, you know, 28 years old with a shitty little mustache.
And I remember being in like junior high and seeing like the Mexican kids with like full beards and shit.
And I was like, oh, you know.
And now I'm like, man, how the fuck fuck how do you get that load out i've been growing
this mustache you can't even see it on camera because they were 25
fuck yeah that's about like stubble and shit like fucking crow's feet
it's like yeah i'm here to learn about uh
long division and shit i'd be like seventh grade and do the grade above me would have like a half
a beard growing and i'd be like dude what's your secret he'd be like honestly bro once you hit like
19 it's not that hard i'm like damn dude you ready for you ready for high school and he's like i
think so bro there was a guy in our sophomore no i was a freshman nope i don't know i don't
remember freshman or sophomore year who had failed a couple grades he was 17 we were all like 15 and he had a dude uh he had a car uh well i mean i don't know
if it's like his parent he borrowed it but he drove to school and uh he had a girlfriend in
eighth grade and his whole thing was like yeah i'm only you know like he like people would give
him shit for it like that's what the fuck man like you know, like he, like people would give him shit for it.
Like,
that's kind of what the fuck,
man.
Like,
you know,
like he wasn't in our friend group,
but we like knew of him or whatever.
And,
uh,
and be like,
well,
she's going to be,
she's going to be a freshman next year.
And it was like,
you failed reading twice.
Like,
I don't know how you fail like freshman year English.
It's like,
uh,
1984.
Um, you know, but anyway, he English. It's like 1984. Anyway, we would go to the skate park, and they would be there together,
and Ducci would get out of his Pontiac Sunfire.
Man, that's...
You ever meet somebody?
This typically happens when you're younger,
but you meet a person, or they like on the peripheral of like a friend
group or an adjoining friend group and you're like that guy is a piece of shit like already
he's not going to grow into being a better person a lot of people are pieces of shit in high school
i you know a lot of people just suck you're a fucking teenager but like there were people that
i'm like do you suck now and then now like i'm on they're on facebook like yeah you know my baby
mama uh she keeps sending my ass to jail for setting her car on fire.
It's like, yeah, I mean, you know, pretty fucking standard.
There he goes.
He's cooking.
Let that boy cook.
Yes, sir.
No, I don't mean to say that all the kids who got held back were necessarily stupid.
I mean, a lot of them just didn't come from good homes or whatever.
For sure, for sure for sure
money than me now but um yeah it's just like rick welder i felt bad i was like you know how
like the way i worded it initially was like you know how mexicans are stupid like i didn't really
clarify at all that i meant like one guy yeah no i know i know what you mean yeah i didn't take it
that way you just come out here you know how chinese. You know how like Puerto Rican guys.
Yeah, it was like a thing where like I thought people that skipped a grade were like Rain Man.
And then I thought people who failed a grade were like.
You couldn't.
Yes, dude.
The only normal people were the grade you should be in
like every any like there was a girl that's like we she was our grade sophomore year and then she
like skipped a senior she just skipped two grades and i was like yeah she probably doesn't have any
friends she probably does magic or something in her spare time she probably lives in a castle or
some shit but if there was somebody who was just like 10 like stupider than me or their life was
just really bad and they were like, yeah, held back,
I was like, dude, that guy probably doesn't even know how to tie his shoes.
He probably can't even put jeans on and shit.
Yeah, I skipped a grade and then I had to redo fourth grade
because I was socially underdeveloped.
Nice.
So I went from being probably Albert Einstein
to the dumbest man in the world within a matter of like two years.
And I still don't have that second grade knowledge.
I still go around wondering what it would be like if I knew how to do single place multiplication.
But instead I'm really good at rays and vectors.
I don't know what any of that means at all you know oh right you just you went to philosophy elementary i went to yeah
i went to philosophy elementary school we studied really heady concepts
i wouldn't know how to do math like whether it's wrong to steal a piece of candy
yeah you're very, very hungry.
I understand.
Some people say bedtime is criminal.
I say it's necessary.
Does the state have the right to send you to bedtime?
This is now our child
voice, so we can use it whenever we want.
This means a little kid.
Yep, exactly.
I'm basically a little kid.
I'm basically two years old.
I'm basically a little kid who works at a grocery store. I'm a little kid who works at a grocery store. I'm basically two years old. I'm basically a little kid who works at a grocery store.
I'm a little kid who works at a grocery store.
I take the bus because the state kid will not let me drive a car because I'm a little boy and not because of any other reason.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
Being a little kid is low-key freaking go-to.
Being a little kid is low-key go-to with the sauce with candy is the vibe.
Dude, when you're hanging out with all your kid friends and you teach them how to gritty.
Yeah, when you're hanging out at a nine-year-old's birthday party and you're showing them how to dougie
and they're all just getting it and they're all just like they're cooking with the sauce in the cut low-key.
Dude, all my elementary school kid friends, low-key,
are so much swaggier than I remember kids being.
It's like kids nowadays are cool as frick.
Dude, you're kind of exaggerating Chris D'Elia's podcast.
He talks like that, dude.
Kids are wild.
He's like, bro, I was on.
You ever been on a date with a 15-year-old girl?
Dude, they are out of pocket. bro. I was on, you ever been on a date with a 15 year old girl? Yeah,
they are out of pocket.
Dude,
I'll catch him and Brian Callen's episodes,
like shows sometime.
And dude,
the Leah's literally like,
dude,
man,
like tick tock,
bro.
Be fucking crazy with it.
Cause like one second,
you'll see like a cool car.
And then the next you'll see like a bunch of like high schoolers,
like,
you know,
just like,
just like a cheerleading team
and the people in the comments are like that's an algorithm it fights it follows like what you
fucking dude his shit is so funny man like he got extremely canceled and then he was like how do i
rebuild my brand i can't really get on twitter uh You know, Facebook's dead. I know. Let me go
to the app that's primarily used
by teenagers
and children. Let me just set up
shop over there. But he's doing well.
His content is very much like
His content is very much like
Dude, is it just
me?
Or are... Do girls not like getting eaten out and fingered anymore?
Do they straight up just love blowjobs now?
Bro, like...
It's like as soon as you get famous,
it's like girls hate foreplay.
It's like they just... It's almost like they just want to get out of my car they just want to get out of the tour van like literally the moment they end up
there they just are trying to find if any of the windows are unlocked or anything like that it's
crazy bro dude i'm really getting into you know like fitness and doing a lot of middle school
cafeteria shows they get out of pocket.
Dude, they really, they act like fucking wild.
They're wilding out, dude.
But you know what?
Some of my best material was written on the playground.
You know what I'm saying?
I was just sort of like a rock and roll cool, you know, sober guy.
I do not believe that.
He says he's like never done drugs or drank.
He's got like a Benzopro.
Yeah, that's what I heard too. But it's like his whole thing was that he's his he says he's like never done drugs or drank he's got like a benzo yeah that's what i
heard too but it's like his whole thing was that he's like i was like dude if you're sober
like how are you i don't know dude his whole thing is so i i don't know chris if you're out there
get fucked um you are not i want to have your money. I feel like I deserve it more than you.
More like Chris Tortilla.
I'm going to flip him around and fuck him in the ass.
Chris Tortilla.
Gotta love that stuff, man.
Chris Tortilla.
You know what? I can't think of anything better.
Yeah, more like freaking
Chris Wikipedia
because he better look up
and read about how not to be a
pedophile
read that article I'll link him the page
Chris Burge Khalifa
cause he should get on a big building and kill himself
sure
yes sir
yeah more like
um
um more like Chris Maria.
Okay.
For what reason?
For what reason is he Chris Maria?
He's a frigging girl.
Chris Malia Obama because he's, I don't know.
More like Chris Obama. More like Chris Obama.
More like Chris Obama.
Because he's
a fucking pussy ass bitch.
Chris
I feel ya.
Because he is a
predator.
More like Chris Hansen.
Yep. Yes sir. Not a bad person. More like Chris Hansen. Yep.
Yes, sir.
Oui, si.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
More like crisp or tender.
Crispy cream.
Crispy chicken tender.
Riffing with CTE.
More like... just riffing with cte more like more like uh uh chris crispy chicken chris christian bale uh you know more like fucking we're like chrissy tegan yeah dude you know what i'm saying more like fucking
crisscross side apple sauce because you better sit down, you know. Man.
Anyway, back to the Alpha and the Cool Guy podcast with Chris D'Elia and Notorious Killer BTK.
Hey, B.
Hey, C.
So a lot of people call me C. Delia.
C stands for conolingus.
Yeah, Delia stands for, I don't know.
Delia, she's blue.
He's talking to Dennis Rader and he's like, yes, sir.
Chris Delia, more like lick your pussy.
Welcome to the Fighter and the Serial Killer podcast.
I'm your host, fucking Chris D'Elia, your co-host, the Unabomber.
Hey, Una, how's it going?
Hey, you know, I really like what you did, man.
You know, you stood for what's right.
Do you think that...
I feel like I would be too lazy.
The Unabomber has a tragic, you know, sort of story or whatever,
but I don't feel like I have the energy to, like,
get good at building shit like that.
You know, I wonder how many domestic terrorists,
potential ones, are, like,
sort of stifled by their own, like,
their own gifted kid burnout,
you know what I'm saying?
Like their own ADD, like executive dysfunction.
Because a lot of domestic terrorists have really high IQs,
so maybe they're just so troubled and so tortured
by the ways of the world that they feel they have to act against.
Well, the IQ system is inherently racist.
No, it's not.
Yeah, it's skewed towards white guys.
And maybe could be other groups too.
I can't.
White guys is the only thing that comes to mind.
Yeah, for some reason I can't.
When I think about how IQ could come into play there.
Right.
Not making any sort of theories.
Would you like to know what the other race would be?
Sure, yeah.
I would love to hear that.
Spin the wheel.
Okay.
Ah, bankrupt.
Well, we don't get to announce it on this one.
Let's see.
Tune in next week.
Yeah, more like Chris Speedo.
Just a little
thing on the wheel that says back to previous
rip.
More like Chris
Tortiga. Fuck it. God damn it.
All right. Fuck.
Chris
Philadelphia.
Sure.
Hey, you know what's cool about having
your own show?
You want people to like it. You want people to listen to it. I don't, you know, it doesn't. Sure. Yeah, hey, you know what's cool about having your own show? Not really,
you know,
you want people to like it
and you want people
to listen to it
and you want people to,
Oh,
I just thought of a fucking good one.
Oh,
let me hear it.
No,
I'm good.
I didn't have anything to say.
I was going to wax poetic
on stupid shit.
More like Frisky Cheetah.
Yeah.
Man, that's awesome awesome I love that
Yes sir
Frisky cheetah baby
More like frisky cheetah
Cause he's so frisky
Pesky
Pesky pita
Cause he's
Yeah pesky mosquito
His pita is real pesky
You know what I mean
Yeah
It's a real pain in the butt
Fucking piece of shit man it's so it's so like
fucking just like his whole thing of like like didn't know that you could screenshot snapchats
or whatever like he was on that show and they're interviewing and they're like yeah you can
screenshot it and he like his face like got real dark for a second. I was like how fucking stupid do you got first of all?
Don't be doing that shit obviously
Obviously don't be a fucking weird creep
but I guess secondarily like if you're a fucking Pete like
You know I'm saying like you know first things first. I'm the realist you know I'm saying don't be don't be doing that type of stuff
Hey, you know he's got an apostrophe in his name?
Mm-hmm.
That's because it's an abbreviation.
You want to know what his full name is?
What?
Christopher Denial.
Okay.
Because he's denied all the...
The accusations.
Oh, man.
I don't think he actually did.
I think he just, like...
I think he logged off for, like, three months.
Yeah.
I almost stopped hanging out with him.
I mean, we joke around on here because we're actually friends.
Yeah, right.
We know him pretty intimately.
I remember when it happened.
He texted me. He was like, bro, I think it's really bad this time dude did you know his actual
name is uh thomas black he's my cousin um i'm kidding that's a fun fact about jack black
more like uh chris chris delia more like piss the meal, yeah, because he drinks pee-pee for lunch.
Yes, sir.
Back in the cell, back cooking.
The last premium episode was, as a fellow listener said, a hard listen.
It was very hard to listen to, as someone had claimed.
But, you know, that's the cool thing about having a completely unscripted show,
is that we bring it to you live every day, you know, that's the cool thing about having a completely unscripted show, is that we bring it to you live every day, you know?
Yeah, Chris D'Elia, more like Stinky Stinker Apple Wee Wee.
Yeah, bitch.
More like Piss Baby Poop Pants of the Shit Lord Brigade.
More like the bitch of the town, the fat fucker bitch.
More like fucked out by the entire police force of Boston.
That's right.
That's what
your name is, Crystalia.
More like the crazy possum with a tuft of hair.
Yeah.
Crystalia, after your recent
accusations like two years ago,
we have a new nickname for you.
And it's not what you think.
It's not something positive.
It is the town squire.
The foolish boy.
Crazy possum with a tuft of hair.
Yeah, that's the best one, man.
Yeah, you are the bewildered loon.
That wacky little mole with a heart of gold.
Yes, sir.
You are the startled raccoon.
You are the startled raccoon with the softest hands.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Dude, I wonder how good I could do at the local open mic scene
if i just kind of wore a black t-shirt i already have the hair i can't grow stubble like him but
if i just started going up it was like yeah you know like high school keggers crazy stuff remember
when big johnny used to pull you know uh his gun out naming it all everybody you know that's crazy
and women women stink bro they smell like poop you know what i just realized our show i don't His gun out, naming it on everybody. You know, that's crazy. And women? Women stink, bro.
They smell like poop.
You know what?
I just realized our show, I don't think, is much different.
It's a little bit different, I guess.
No, we planned this out.
This is scripted.
Dude, I'm trying to think of what this would look like.
Like, if this conversation was in a Google Doc, it'd say,
Thomas, crazy possum with tuft of hair.
Jake, disgusting laughter Jake yes sir
Thomas that's right
like laid out
pitching that to like
Paramount
so this took us a while
to write we appreciate it
just to read on it if anything
you know and they're like okay let's just
we'll read the start
you know first couple pages ending then you know and they're like okay let's just we'll read the start you know first couple
pages ending then you know read a little here and there yeah you just flip to the middle
all right so it says here um i'm a little boy i love going to kindergarten he he i love being
little you aren't as little as me jake hi i'm small i'm a little boy you can't be as little as me. Jake. Hi, I'm small. I'm a little boy.
You can't be as small as me.
I'm smaller than you.
Thomas.
No, I can.
I can be just as small as you, but I can't be smaller.
Jake.
We're the same size.
We're the two boys that are the same size.
Laughter for 17 minutes.
It says here, I make a stinky and then I go to federal prison.
I'm trying to understand the angle of this joke.
Could you explain that to me?
Oh, yeah.
It's just, you know, classic, just sort of, you know, like distraction, like a setup.
Like a setup for what?
So you make a big stinky and then you go to federal prison.
I don't understand what's so hard about that.
And then I'm 10 feet tall and my wee-wee goes,
Tinky, tinky.
And then that's basically the show.
I mean, so you guys, thank you, CNN, first, for agreeing to meet with us.
We're the two sharpest political minds to come out of Texas.
And since the state was founded, I do believe,
there's not a lot of people out there that are really analyzing politics in a meaningful way. So you wanted to have two just, you know,
middle-of-the-road liberals to come on your show, and you found them in us.
And you're asking me what it means when Thomas says, and I quote,
a big stinky raccoon poo-poo, I need to go to the doctor. That's just an allegory for the
Republican Party. And if you can't read into that, then you're not as smart as you think, Wolf Blitzer.
You're not capable of understanding high-level humor, high-level political humor at that.
That's right.
And, you know, at the end of the day, when you look at how many politics there are,
compared to how many people there are, you'll find there are a lot more people
than politics.
That's so fucking true, man.
And the more people who want there to be
politics, you're going to see
even more
politics that are based on
what people are saying,
what people are doing.
You have the right wing of the airplane.
And you have the left wing of the airplane. Yes.
And you have the left wing of the airplane.
Yeah, and if neither of them are flapping,
then the airplane goes bye-bye.
You know, the plane's going down.
Imagine you look at an airplane wing
and it just happens like crazy.
Like a hummingbird wing?
You ask the guy next to you and he's like, they've always been like that.
Dude, I was...
It's like a fucking...
Oh, man, that's like a detail of life.
I thought it was just...
He's like, what, you thought there's flu without flapping?
Flapping?
You sick fucking moron.
You thought they didn't flap?
You idiot.
You thought planes didn't flap?
What the fuck you been smoking on, son?
What are you...
Is this your first time flying?
Is this your first time?
No, I fly all the time.
I've never seen him flap.
You never looked out the window?
I have.
Never while a plane is flapping.
This guy.
What are you, eight years old?
This moron, this stinky little butt cheese.
They let you fly in the emergency exit row?
Goodness.
They're putting you up in the back of the plane with the fucking doodly-doo-doos, brother.
Yeah, you got to sit in the bathroom, you idiot.
I'm surprised they didn't flush you down the toilet when you walked on this plane.
Do you vape in the bathroom when you're on airplanes?
I used to.
I kind of like, I kind of weaned myself off of it.
Of vaping on the air?
Because I...
Yeah.
The risk to reward scenario is so bad.
Well, no, I realized I was vaping poop.
What do you mean?
I was in a poop room.
Yeah, but you're not like vaping shit.
What are you talking about?
You're sucking air.
There's poop particles in the air. Yeah, but you're breathing in there already. What are you talking about? Like you're sucking air there's poop particles yeah but you're breathing in there
already what are you talking about like you're breathing like the yeah but you're i mean you're
sucking it you're breathing you're tasting it no you're tasting no you're tasting the fruit that
what you're if you're in the bathroom you're breathing in poopoo if i can mix some of that
poop in with fucking nicotine what's the big fucking deal here you've pissed me off now
you fucking you don't want to savor no dude no i'm not saying i won't vape in a bathroom i'm saying in an airplane
bathroom i gotta like bend over and i won't vape in a porta potty that i see what you're saying i
can no no that because a porta potty feel like it's not going anywhere like it's just it literally
you're just standing in, like, poop air.
I see what you're saying there.
When I'm at a porta potty, I try to get out as fast as possible.
If it smells like a fart in there, I don't want to hit a vapor device.
Like, oh, it's like poop and mint.
Yeah, I feel you.
Poop mint. I mean, I threw up in a porta potty once, and some of the blue stuff splashed and almost got in my face.
And I had this thought to myself where I was like, well, if that happened, I think I would just call it.
I think I'm good.
Every time Steve-O gets blown up in one or knocked over in one, he's always weirdly chill about being in blue poop soup.
I don't know if it's like a full port-a-potty but also i
know those guys like they go hard on each other and i don't really mind all i don't know what it
is about the port-a-potty thing that like that actually grosses me out they can like like when
chris ponies drank horse cum i was like that's actually impressive that is a dedication a level
of dedication i didn't think that you were capable of but when they're like in port-a-potties and
they knock them over and they come out and there's just brown blue water all over them i'm like dude if anybody did
that to me i'm killing them like i'm not chasing them around going teehee and like trying to get
poop water on them like i'm beating them to death yeah almost anything they do on this show if it
was not done to like a close friend like somebody would die for sure even like even a close friend, dude. I'm thinking like if I – okay.
You're taking a shit and I dropkick that motherfucker and you fall sideways and all the shit water goes on your butt and your balls and your penis and your legs and the back of your shirt and the back of your neck.
You're going to get out of there and you're going to whoop my ass.
Like I would not – I don't think it would be any more cordial if it's a friend.
That's fair.
I think you would be kind of laughing, but you would also – your moral prerogative – Yeah, it's obligatory.
Yeah, it's funny, but also –
Obligatory.
Yeah, but you've – I've put myself in a situation where I'm accepting that there's a solid chance you're going to kick me in my head for the sake of this laugh.
Now, I would never do that because that's gross.
I wouldn't want anyone to do it to me.
But, yeah, I don't.
Poo-poo is yucky.
That's basically the moral of this story.
Yeah, poo-poo is there's something almost unsettling about poop on my face.
There's something about eating poop that just seems almost gross.
Just like a really high-level NPR intellectual pot.
They have psychologists and philosophers on it.
Do you have a professional...
There's just something.
I've never been able to quite place it.
People talk often about the implications of it,
but I don't think I like the idea of having poo-poo on my head.
Even suppose I've got like
three pieces
of three turds
and I've put
two on my eyebrows
and one on my
above my lip
and I say
look I'm Groucho Marx
I don't think it
you know it is
maybe it's funny
but I've got a piece of poop
under my nose
and I can smell it
I've got a little mustache
like Hitler
and I keep saying
shitler to everybody
but it's not funny
but especially
with the small piece of poop because you could go in your mouth you could eat it
accidentally yeah that's good would you Jake would you be unsettled by it if I
brought a piece of poop to your house
who does my house warming yeah yeah I like it hey man you know I'm sorry I've
been over here like a couple times I just didn't bring your house warming gift I did get you the clone but I wanted something for you. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Hey, man. Hey, man, you know, I'm sorry. I've been over here, like, a couple times.
I just didn't bring you a housewarming gift.
I did get you the clone,
but I wanted something for you and Ashley.
You just hand me this, like, beautiful, big,
like, big gift bag with, like, the tissue paper and shit.
You know, like, it's just, it's not a lot, man, you know,
but it's from the heart.
It's just a little piece of shit.
Hey, man, put it up.
Just, you didn't even stay to do the episode.
How much did you fucking nail this to your wall?
You drove three and a half hours to do that bit
and then just give me the finger and walk out.
Don't even stay to do the show.
You're begrudgingly trying to nail a piece of shit to the wall.
Like, man, I've got to find a stud for this.
God damn it.
I don't even want this piece of poop on my wall,
but I don't want to be rude.
I've got to go to Lowe's to get anchors for this piece of poop on my wall but I don't want to be rude I gotta go to Lowe's
to get anchors
for this piece of shit
that Thomas gave me
for the house
I'm asking a guy
at Lowe's
he's like
hey man
you got any
anchors
oh yeah
what you hanging up
man
art
putting you
out on the TV
nah my buddy
got me a piece
of poop
he just got me
a piece of
my buddy brought
a turd to my house he said put it on my wall he just said he wanted to give me a piece of... My buddy brought a turd to my house.
He said to put it on my wall.
He just said he wanted to give me a house for my gift
and just gave me a bag of shit.
So I just figured, fuck it, I'd fucking hang it up.
If you like this stuff,
you are really going to like our premium episodes,
especially the last one.
We introduced a cool new character to the show.
You know that you've got Arthur Bleefold.
You've got the eunuch pipe fitter.
You've obviously got the...
We haven't done the Mexican grandma slash little boy in a while,
but that got wore out.
But now we have Cool Dad.
You know, Karate Sean was a favorite for a bit,
but we've got Cool Dad.
Completely forgot we did that episode.
Yeah, if you want to know more about Cool Dad,
I highly suggest it.
You're probably wondering to yourself,
what does Cool Dad mean?
And I've got to tell you,
it was a super cool episode that we did
about a really cool dad
that about 35 minutes
of the coolest dad that you could ever imagine.
And to access that type of content,
you're going to want to go over to patreon.com slash Pendejo time.
Toss us five bucks.
No,
he's not.
Dude,
honestly,
I was laughing really hard when I was editing it because I was trying to,
to no,
don't feel bad.
Please,
please don't.
Uh,
cause I was editing it and i kept going
to different parts to like just clean up like little blips i'm trying to do better at the
audio so stop deeming me about shit even though i think it sounds fine i think people are just
rain men but anyway and i would get to like the 20 minute mark and it was like what do you mean
what do you mean you're out here fourth grade you ain't got no no no fucking bitches in your
and i would like
i was like all right and i would clip to like the 28 minute like eight minutes later it's like
and if you ain't out there in that playground slinging that thing i'm like okay swag all right
and then i'm like skipping to like the fucking i'm like i don't know if i didn't i think it went
on like 20 15 minutes 20 minutes but like man we did that for an inordinate amount of time uh but if you want to access that type of awesome stuff um uh you're gonna want to go
to patreon.com slash pendejo time five bucks a month gets you access to uh to a bonus episode
every week 10 bucks a month gets you access to all the video episodes we do one of those a month
we've got a backlog of those we've got a big backlog of the premium episodes.
$50 a month doesn't get you anything else.
You get all that stuff.
You just get to give me and Thomas $50 a month.
If you've got it like that, big time swag.
We've also got a live show coming up in LA.
Los Angeles.
December 10th,
uh,
in LA at the Virgil early show for now.
Uh,
we'll see,
might end up having a late show later,
but we'll see about that.
Yes,
sir.
Depending on this one has to sell out first.
Yeah.
We'll see.
There's a,
there's a,
and if it doesn't,
Jake said he's going to cut the tip of his pinky off.
So we'll see.
I'm going to eat it.
yeah, all that shit's cool.
Bye.