Pendejo Time - It Is Good To Be Back

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

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Father, I have my urge. Well son, what do we do when we have an urge? I don't know but father my urge is so strong. I told the preacher about my urge and he he said that it was disgusting and he said that I must confer with my papa about my urge. So I ran all the way from church to papa all the way confer with my papa about my urge. So I ran all the way from church, papa, all the way home to tell you about my urge. What is your urge? I can't speak of it. It's... You ran all the way over here to not speak of it?

It's so sinful, papa. I don't want to give the urge more power, for the devil may hear it and the Lord may shun me if he knew the true nature of my urge. Did you tell the pastor what your urge was? Yes. So I think the devil might know about it already. The devil cannot hear... The most important thing you could do is tell me and all your friends. The devil cannot hear whispers in the Lord's house. Is that true? Yeah, it is.

The devil is not, is the devil omniscient? That was always a question of mine personally and I never got an answer that satisfied my Because he is attacking all of us constantly Yes But he doesn't have... how would he do that without most of the same powers that regular God has? In my mind the devil always... in my mind the devil is literally one HP less powerful than God and that's kind of how the whole thing whereas to work

I do believe at least in my understanding. I'm gonna start doing this voice in my understanding This is how I created the fiction in my head as a boy For any of the like the spiritual war stuff to work and for the serpent and all that stuff He the devil has to pretty much be like matched with God OP style but like literally less one health bar point. Like blue eyes white dragon, red eyes black dragon. Although I think red eyes black dragon was significantly weaker than blue eyes white dragon. Which kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but doesn't matter. Anyway, I do believe that the devil has to be some level of of all-knowing and definitely probably at least kinetically not all good on a kind of being the

devil and then probably can't be all-powerful because God's all-powerful, but I don't know, it seems like he's pretty fucking strong, so I would imagine that They're probably pretty evenly matched. Maybe just the devil like maybe God has like God knows one move like he maxed his stat out the devil never took the skill tree seriously And so the God has like he can do the spinning back kick and the devil kind of still working on that one. You know, I mean Hmm what are you reading about? I'm reading about devil's death according to the Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary Well, apparently Satan has no power unless it be granted to him by God, you know. That's a load of shit. That's a load of shit to me.

Well, you know, it makes sense because, you know, maybe there needs to be a Satan on this earth to keep things so bad so that he can be allowed to do that and then there will be another thing where it's not bad and well that is where things start to get good sometimes okay need a really bad guy to make everything horrible forever, but it's not forever Once the Once your physical form Which during your lifespan is the only form you will ever know Yeah, and And once that's gone, you know kind of You know, even the act of dying seems, you know, you can't fathom it

You don't ever want it to happen. It has to happen once that happens Then there's good or maybe bad I Definitely don't know My whole thing was like okay, so like God knew that the serpent was fucking around. And I don't really like that breakdown of it because the devil has no power unless granted by God. Why would God grant the devil power?

If my number one op was like, can I have some power? I would not give him. You know what I mean? He had power. He is already one of the strongest angels. I understand that simply didn't take an away from him But he could he could but we have free will Don't do me. No. Yeah, that's a stupid cop. I never cared for that one. I think Yeah, I don't know yeah, it seems like a load of shit to me

I have to the way that I think about it is the devil is literally just about as strong, like God bitches. I mean, if he's all knowing that he would have made Satan knowing that that's who he would become. Right. And that's what he wanted to happen. Yeah, no, I guess. And so, he, and then through the free will thing you can be like like well, so Satan chose to but he was obviously you know It was known that that would happen now if

If Satan were to encounter a guy like I don't know Voldemort or Thanos, what do you think would happen if he was up against one of the ultimate baddies? Then knows what do you think would happen if he was up against one of the ultimate baddies? We're talking about Satan being up against the ultimate baddie I don't think Satan can handle even 30 seconds of a twerk off with I spice yeah Yeah, thanks, man. I've really spent the last two weeks coming up with something and that was fucking it No, I do believe... I don't know how they told it to you when you were growing up, but like I was basically told that there were like invisible mortar shells going off

around me and shit. Like literally like there was there's a war for my my soul and so like God had troops and the devil had troops and God's troops were dressed in white and devil's troops were dressed in red and And that's basically how it went, but I do think I do think Thanos could probably work Satan I think he could beat the brakes off of him. I think Voldemort probably would lose Really what if he didn't spell Well, I mean the devil knows like pretty much every fucking spell yeah But so it's he use it on a guy like that. He probably turned out a snake spell

hmm Okay, the snake is spell that you'd normally use to kill a snake you probably said Snaky a whale Spanish wizard I think you're a whale Spanish Wizard Snaky a whale serpentus decimus Hey, there we go. Okay. I could probably yeah that could be totally real Yeah, serpentus decimus. I just saw his cast that spell on my penis before I go out in public

Penta's Decimus. I just cast that spell on my penis before I go out in public. So it doesn't break out of its bandages. Yeah, oh, it's bandaged. Yeah, I thought maybe you were gonna say some sort of cage, but yeah, bandages is good. Why is your shit bandaged up before you go out at night on the town?

Oh, it's so that if it gets a cut on it, people will know that I already had bandages on there and they don't need to be worried. If it gets a cut on it. If it gets a cut on it while I'm out, then I don't have to worry, because I already have bandages on it. So what situation would you be in where you're like,

are you, do you often experience cuts down there when you're heading out or? If there was one, you know, say if I was at the grocery store and I went to put the cart back and I kind of pushed the cart really hard into the other carts to make it really you know really crunch into the next one got you and I didn't

realize my penis was laying in the area where normally the baby would be right and it's cut it mm-hmm whenever I shoved it if it cut it then you already have bandages and they would help it not be cut so much and I could just People coming over as pulling down my pants asking to take a look at say don't worry I actually already have bandages on so this isn't even Okay, this is I'm comfortable with this. I have bandages on it. You cut through a bandage It stays on

so That's one thing they'll teach you. Art of the heel. Yeah, that sounds good. That's pretty cool, man. That's not too bad. I don't think, I think when I was a kid, when I was a teenager, I would shave my fucking, my pubes around my dick and my nuts

and basically my whole pubic area, smooth as as silk and I shaved wrong a lot and so I would just have nasty gnarly fucked up razor burn like all up and down my pubic bone and around my balls because I didn't really know how to shave right but I felt I felt pretty compelled and I felt really convinced from age like maybe 13 to I don't know maybe 17 that at any moment I was gonna get an insane amount of pussy and really what the what the girl wanted to see was like a lot of red bumps around my penis area

And around my balls, so I was pretty sure I'm pretty thoroughly convinced that that that smooth was good, but I didn't know how to shave And I didn't by the didn't know how to shave. By the time I learned how to shave normally, I wasn't really interested in shaving my shit smooth as silk, you know what I mean? So I think I just had razor burn and kind of infected, kind of swollen pustules in and around my penis for a lot of my formative teenage years, but I didn't have any diseases

It was mostly because I was trying to shave my pubes bald with disposable razor I don't know really why I told you guys that that's pretty personal But I've told you guys a lot of stuff so you guys can go and do with that what you will He was crazy. We've actually had that exact discussion before I think I thought maybe we had had I remember Us talking on a video episode about how we used to shave ball But I don't think I divulged that I would give myself like kind of diseased razor burn I think maybe I decided on that one mentally to keep that to myself, but I figured I would let that one go on this one Yeah, they were so bad that the nurses of school had to suck the pus

100% to make it smooth. They said otherwise it would set off the metal detectors. Yep, that's 100% positive. That is fucking correct. I remember we used to have penis day at school and it would always be so embarrassing for me because I would leave mine at home. Now was this like a field day where

you had to do feats of strength and speed with it or was this more of just like a It was like our star test. Now was this like a field day where you had to do feats of strength and speed with it or was this more like it? was like our star test So like purely intellectual yeah, yeah, well it was if you'd been studying and your penis would be perfect. Oh Heard so it was more like a metric a physical men. Yeah teach you the teacher could See yeah, what they had banners up, you know, for, oh, 2020, you know, twenty twenty three.

Perfect penis. That's when I was in school. So, oh, OK, I got you. Yeah, I just got out. Just got out of school, man. I did a dime. I did 12 years. 12 years, 12 hard 12 hard years a lot I did a lot of reading though you know I did a lot of reading and a lot of push-ups and I think I learned a thing or two. Out on the yard you know it was tough hopscotch jumping rope yeah flag football yeah getting kissed under the bleachers by the coach, you know that kind of that kind of game Being a boy is pretty easy, you know

When you're a young man, I think you just trying not to get molested. I think that's kind of pretty like Kind of kind of goal number one, you know what I mean? Or at least that was for me. I was pretty trying pretty hard, and that was like my quicksand, or like my scorpions was just trying not to get molested. There was a guy in my neighborhood that really loved to do it.

And everybody knew that he loved to do it, but I don't know, I'm not that old, but I think I was maybe the last generation of, uh, of kind of affable, uh, the affable clearly mentally disabled pedophile who the neighborhood kind of likes, or they're like, that's shit. That's, that's Bimby. You know what I mean? I'll Bimby. He loves cookies, you know? Uh, and, and Bimby, um, he fucking? Bimby he loves cookies you know and Bimby he

fucking loves jacking kids off you know what I mean or like trying or just trying to he stares at the volleyball girls like a lot you know what I mean but it's just kind of like a the neighborhood likes him because he wears his shorts really high and he likes kites and he's like 38. You know what I mean? So there's a lot of avoiding him Or avoiding a man like him. His name wasn't Bimby. I think his name might have just been Mike But anyway, yeah, that was kind of my end of the show Yeah, Mike the pedophile

Yo, we've got mr. Beast and good guy once you get to know him. Yeah. Once you get over the whole child molestation thing. We put a pedophile in a room with a hundred children to see what would happen. If he lasts thirty days without doing anything weird, he gets ten million dollars. How long do you think you'd last in a room full of kids before you acted up? I would probably get annoyed kind of quickly with the fact that I was having a babysit a hundred kids hmm okay yeah good answer probably pretty solid answer not too bad like I don't want to hang out yeah anybody's kids for very long from being honest I like my nephews but

that's about it like yeah yeah but you don't hang out with them for like in a confined space Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like you instantly get uncomfortable Yeah, sure. I get uncomfortable in a confined space with anybody I guess Yeah, we have to hang out a lot and you can't stand it. He texts me after and you're like I don't like sitting on the couch with other people Yeah, that kind of gets annoying Not that I don't mean that I can't stand it, but I mean even like in the context of sitting on a couch There's too many people on a couch. I

Got to get up. I Don't I mean I like to go into house parties and stuff But I don't like being uncomfortable and I'm always uncomfortable all people's places because at my place I like to scratch my balls and I like to you know like fart and stuff and I can't really be doing that at other people's places I mean I guess you could but like that's a pretty quick way to kind of like not be invited out anymore and yeah I like to like yell and talk to myself a little bit scratch my shit and sometimes I'll be scratching it a little longer than I need to but just because I can you know what I mean I'm not necessarily playing with it, but I'm not scratching it anymore

You know that kind of like moral gray ground or whatever you know what I mean I like to do that, and I can't really you can't really do that at a house party Moral gray yeah, is that not It just seems like something it seems like a mistranslation moral gray ground. Yeah. Is that not? It just seems like something. It seems like a mistranslation from Chinese. Stand on the moral gray ground and have an amazing time.

Having amazing memories with moral gray ground. President Joe Biden versus Donald Trump talked about many lovely issue and amazing political talks and one of them stood on moral gray ground while other found many truths to be had in several debating topics. Yeah. My name is morel grey ground I'm a French DJ

Cajun DJ morel grey ground And a lot of my should be like crazy esoteric you feel me like You don't be knowing like what I'm gonna say cuz I'm I don't I'm it's all subjective Morel I'm gonna say cuz I'm I don't I'm it's all subjective Morale Jim Jim Appel Morale great ground. What's up, buddy? How you doing, man? Oh Man there was a word that I was trying to say that I didn't know it and now I can't remember it. That's okay. I think they've got I think the Wall Street Journal kind of released some maybe substantiating

evidence about the baby farm. About Elon's baby farm. They confirmed the Tiffany Wong thing, right? That he wanted to have a beautiful Asian baby with her. I do believe that, I think maybe that one was a rumor, but it was confirmed that he was basically DMing like Kind of orbiters like the right-wing girl orbiters About inseminating them. Yeah that Lily girl that said that Like we should go back to lynching black guys. I'm pretty sure she's next up on the list if she's not careful

She's gonna end up with a kid named fucking Robotica 999 and she's gonna have to raise that little cocksucker I don't know. I don't know that is her name is Lily Gaddis she was the trad wife type tic-tac girl who said the soft a and Kind of immediately immediately skyrocketed her. I don't think that's crazy though she's not I'm saying she's gonna be yeah she kind of fell off immediately right because they found out she had a mixed kid well she's back because she said we should bring back lynchings and so she's back now in the good graces of the kind of the psychotic groiper you know fulmin at the mouth yeah yeah fulmin at the mouth mouth. Yeah, yeah. Fulmin' at the mouth and tuggin' on a tight motherfucker.

It's crazy, like, we... I mean, I know we've said this before, but it's just crazy. We live in a time where you can be... You can really just be whoever you want, and like, nobody even cares because shit is so bad. Yeah. Shit is so bad, like, you can just be... Like... Sorry, it's not funny, but the way that yeah No, but it's like you can be like a complete fucking loser and like even your parents won't care right now, right?

They're thinking about other shit. They're very concerned about their life Right now you're picking the only outcome where your parents are like actually embarrassed about it and like validated Right, like if you work at a gas station or something like you're doing great right now You're doing really good like yeah, that's not a knock against people work at the gas stations by any means, but I'm saying like Like that's like borderline prestigious at this in this day and age of like yeah I work full-time at a gas station shit dude full-time nice nice, man. Yeah, you know I mean uh-huh I've got like three part-time job. Yeah, I that's a good way to put it cuz I was like Yeah, so yeah, she had like a mixed kid and she had like a basically don't say to bring back lynchings like you're doing awesome

I know it's like the one thing was a hey you really like can't be saying that thing is is like she she yeah, so it had been revealed that she had tried to do like a Homesteading kind of woo-woo mommy blog that like never got to got off the ground and her kid isn't white And so people weren't too too happy about that And then the other day she was like, you know, this is why we used to lynch fellas

referencing the the current, you know soup du jour of the Boy that was murdered, you know racial crimes and things like that. I think it's a big load of shit But anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm with you. I do think that we're kind of in a situation where like, 15 years ago, you wouldn't, there was no political or like, like a lucrative avenue to pay your bills

by being like, we gotta bring back tarring and feathering. Like that wasn't, you weren't gonna be able to build a future for yourself. Now, like she's doing pretty good, I think. I don't know her financials, obviously, but I think her and people like her are doing good. Like there's another kid that's running for governor, he's not gonna get elected, but he's using it

as a platform to like, I guess, boost his, boost his YouTube channel, or not a YouTube, whatever YouTube whatever fucking I think kick or rumble or whatever but anyway, he wants to be governor of California and his number one leading policy proposal is a one-year Kind of reprieve from deportation from Latina women where if they marry a violent Insel then they can stay in the US But otherwise they get deported.

And he went on Lily's show to kind of talk about how, if they're willing to be broodmares for like 5 foot 2 sociopathic kind of murderers or whatever, then they can stay. And she's like, that's a great idea. You know, whatever. Anyway, to your point, I think, yeah, shit is kind of so bad that, like, the parents are probably like, well, she's on TV. You know what I mean?

Like, she's doing something, you know? Like there's probably, like, the world is such a fucked up and unfair and terrible place. And like, all the enemies are in power or whatever the phrase is that, like, I mean, if really care about like if it ever like if you're not scared that anything might ever backfire like why not do like yeah, so like this is like a crowd that Like I'm not really scolding anybody because it's like a business, you know what I mean, but this is a crowd where They kind of rely on people Being sensitized To what they're saying and for there to be a Clear line that they can cross and when they cross that line they get in a little bit of trouble

But they keep their base and they get to keep you know their platform And you know it released enough of their platform to where they have somewhere to complain about not having the other platforms. Yeah. You know what I mean? If they can be a victim. But now really I feel like, you know, this is mostly a Twitter thing. Um, because YouTube censors a lot, like they, they straight up kick people off for like kind of bullshit, but like with Twitter, it's like the stuff that you used to say to rile people up doesn't work anymore because they they're so desensitized to like misinformation just straight up like racism and everything that like you like like honestly like when I see like just

regular like conservative stuff it doesn't really I guess I'm not really the type for it to always just get on my nerves but like I don't even really have a thought anymore sure yeah with a lot stuff, unless it's like something, you know, like something really serious, but like, you know, if I see like, oh, they're proposing this law or whatever, like it doesn't mean fucking anything to my brain to see like, I got sidetracked a little bit, but I meant like just seeing basic right-wing rhetoric. You know what I mean? It used to be more of a thing where it's like everybody was piling on the You know

the conservatives like on Twitter like Ted Cruz and those guys like those were the guys where you would quote tweet them and you'd Go viral off it because that Was who we were mad at because that's who was conservative and in the spotlight and now you don't really even see It's not even really like Politicians anymore, it's not like the establishment politicians anymore. Nobody's even really thinking about them anymore Right like who you're mad at online. Yeah. Yeah, it's all just like stupid fringe stuff well, I think there's like a

I'm in I'm in the camp that like these guys didn't have the cult like Obviously in the 60s and 70s like whatever you want to call like left-wing politics was like more organized and more violent more militant, but it was still a culturally conservative country and You know and I I think they didn't have the steering wheel from like 2013 to like 2020 by that I mean like you could get in trouble for saying stuff like we should bring back. You could get your whole life ruined. Which I'm just, you know, a guy like me, I don't believe in free speech. I'm not a free speech guy.

I don't believe in it. I don't think anyone actually believes in it, by the way. I think the free speech debate is actually like a manifestation of like a power struggle between the cultural left and right, you know, whatever the fuck. I don't- Remember everybody last year was big gun free speech And now that they're like deporting students. They're like, hey Right, you know and not to sound like fucking John Stewart or whatever but like no

No, I'm with that crazy how like they've been willing to just drop issues like Whatever that like anytime there's a contradiction they're just like okay we'll focus on something else it's like not a big deal well because again I don't think I don't think they're pro free speech I also don't I don't think the hypocrisy matters like people literally yell themselves blue in the face about like about that specific thing where they're like the free speech crowd is like and the thing that I like tell people is I'm like they're not you're not understanding I think what's happening they're not pro free speech

they are like nobody is like it's literally as simple as I want my side to be able to do it and say what I want I want your side punished and that isn't about speed that's not that is just the power struggle between like two competing cultural and political ideologies or whatever the fuck my problem is is that the side that's supposed to be the opposition side is just Like making like vaccine musicals and trying to do snarky Like sketch comedy, which is fucking dog dick. You should be like You should be jailing people too Like you should be like you should be be jailing people too. Like you should be like,

you should be throwing Matt Walsh in jail. You should throw him, you should try to throw him in jail. I know that would maybe galvanize the other guys and make them do crazy stuff, but it's a crazy world. So you should go to his house, and I don't know, you should hang out with him and you should do awesome stuff to him and his family. But what I'm trying to say is like,

yeah, none of that stuff is like, when people talk about, what was the initial point of this conversation? I don't even fucking remember. It doesn't matter. When people talk about the free speech thing, it's like, you're not even, we're so good at politics stuff, dude. There's two guys with like fucking like just a lifetime of traumatic brain injuries. I could feel the exact moment the piece of an edible I ate earlier hit

and it was while I was trying to wrap up this really stupid point it took me like 15 minutes to say it and then I started talking about something else with the same tone and I know you guys are listening and were like wait what? and I had the exact same thing happen where I went ah shit, whatever. You know the thing about pork gelatin in a marshmallow is it doesn't have the same kind

of texture and taste profile as a beef gelatin in a marshmallow. Many people don't understand this. Now the problem with a beef gelatin marshmallow is it has the perfect puff, you know. Whereas the pork gelatin has a little bit better melt. I know you're just playing with me, but is that true? I Actually don't know I know they have two different marshmallows typically made from a type of meat gelatin unless it's made from a vegan That and then there's another one that they made from a vegan. The pectin, right?

That, and then there's another one that they make from some type of fucking river plant. I love pectin. I love pectin. Bro, I love pectin. Confessing your love for a North Texas girl. Oh, pectin. Pectin, Renee, I just, oh my God, Confessing your love for like a North Texas girl Paxton

Paxton Renee, I just oh my god like I Every time I see you. I just like I write in my notebook. I see Jake loves Paxton, you know Paxton Marie Renee you get over here right now. We're gonna be late for dance class Hey neighbor, I know we haven't introduced ourselves. I was just wondering if I could borrow about six cups of pectin Hey, I know it's like yeah, you know I ran out of pectin and I just you know No, just six cups. It's just three points Give I Need about ten pounds of pectin liquid pounds if you have that that would be great Anyway, oh I was we were talking about the Elon baby thing

I have a big thing about fucking free speed who gives a fuck but If you gave free speech to a baby it probably say go Gago? Yes, sir. Gago? Baby, you've been given the right, bestowed upon you as an American, of free speech. What do you have to say? Ooby? That's it, folks. What's this?

Yeah, um. Damn, that was a lot. A baby with free speech Did somebody give Donald J. Trump the microphone again Yes, sir You better be ready cuz this is very you're gonna get oh you better be fucking ready I'll be standing up twice since our last show so you better be ready for some polished shit I'll do some more mics

It's simply that I don't like my voice who I am It's simply that I hate my material And I don't even really like and I feel like I'm too late I've been talking to other comics about this issue lately and immediately anytime I bring it up It becomes clear. There's something I need to work on a I'll be like you ever record yourself and then you delete it and then a bunch of other stuff off your phone, too like You mean you don't like your clips. It's like I don't watch them

I try to on mute and I can't and I delete it and then I and then I let my phone die for the rest Remember when I was dead I did a show and I bombed at Creek and I was hanging out with gardini after and I was like Dude, I like you ever bomb and you just like want to fucking like just drive around for like five hours and just fucking like God, it just makes you crazy and he was like like I think you need to do more stand-up Man, it's not that big of a deal man And I was like no you don't fucking get it dude like I fucking can't stand this shit like I literally like I'll start writing in my notes like I want to come up with better jugs better material

And I just fucking bomb that I don't want to stand up anymore. I just want to go home and yell I want to yell at everybody Yeah, and if you are gonna go home yell, you should yell about my bookie. Woo! The backshot... The backshot... The basketball action. The backshot ball.

The backshot ball action. He's heating up inside the court. Get some action outside the court with my bookie. My bookie is the place for first time bettors and the preferred choice of true sports fans. With promos like weekly risk-free boosts, oh my God, even if you've never bet on anything in your life, you can definitely handle this.

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Now let's get back to one of my favorite things you've ever said on the show and I feel like we've got so much to explore there. The back shot ball. That could be anything. Okay? That could be a great new sport or it could be like a gala, you know what I mean? Or a dance. And I'm thinking maybe like against so many underexplored avenues with back shot ball.

You know, they have the NFL where the girls play in their underwear, which is, you know, everybody watches that. I watch it every Tuesday. Do they have that? where the girls play in their underwear, which is you know everybody watches that I watch it every Tuesday They have them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's called a XXXFL or something like that. It's Nobody's trying to fuck you room the quarterback and you put your cock in his mouth wait no Thomas no no no no no girls in their underwear. We don't. Thomas, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's girls in their underwear. What are you talking about? What are you talking about, bud?

What? Hold on. Wait, what? Where am I? I need to get back on the field. All right, we're going to do a 2-2-3 route. Alright, so you're gonna go wide down the left side of the field and then I'm gonna put my cock in your mouth and in your ass and then you're gonna wear girls underwear.

Alright, on three, everybody bust a load into my pants and make me wear it for the rest of the day with the jizz on the pants. 1-2-3, bust! We're gonna do exactly what we did last year. with the jizz on the pants. One, two, three, bust. Yeah, no. We're gonna do exactly what we did last year. We're gonna go out there, we're gonna fuck the other team, we're gonna get fucked by the other team

in our asses and mouths, and at the end we're gonna pour a big cooler full of cum on our coats. It's all the cum collected from my butts and mouths over the course of the whole season. It's got a weird brown green look to it and it stinks. Imagine doing that at the end of the game but it's just a bucket of acid. I'm melting!

Is the coach with the skeleton and he still has the headset on? For Evil Coach of the Year, it goes to Mr. Melting Skeleton. Coach Melting Skeleton of the Florida Skeletons. My name is Melting Skeleton. I've been a coach in Florida for 25 years. My name is Mel, Melton Schulton. And I've been the secretary here at the VA office for the last 75 years. That's great, Melton.

I've been having a lot of bad dreams. So the doctor told me to come by the VA and maybe make an appointment. Well, did you make an appointment for that? Yeah, well, I mean, I was hoping I could make one with you. I did two tours. I just need an appointment to make one. My knees are... I need an appointment to make an appointment with you, Felton. Yep, because I got appointed. I don't see what officer

Officer of the Veterans Affairs god damn that's fucking great met Melton I just need a I really just need some help, but it's not a really hard time Like my wife says if I don't get help, I'm not I can't stay home. So I just I mean if you're going on tour Have you tried getting back out there Going back to the Marines no, no, I can't do anything like that. I I Was discharged so I just yeah, I just need an appointment with a doc I've been having really bad dreams my but everybody that I that I You know that I heard over there is just visits me in my sleep. They they don't say. They're just mouths are kind of open. You know what I mean Mel and it's like It's uh, it's just trying to fuck with my marriage. So again Mel if you could just help me

I know you said you've been here 75 years So, you know this works or just keep me in a point with a shrink Mel and I think we're gonna be okay Okay, you said you wanted to get an appointment to get shrunk Okay, you said you wanted to get an appointment to get shrunk We will have one of those next Tuesday at 7 a.m. Please get there 7 a.m. Sharp, and you will get shrunk Would you like to get shrunk down to the size of a pea the size of a doll the size of a pretty big doll or the size of a woman oh

Man size of a pee it is I had to click an option I went ahead and put pee for you that's how big you'll be Well thank you Mel, oh my god man, you know, I hope this helps with the PTSD I guess that's what the P stands for. P tiny silly doll. Yes sir. Urah Mel, thank you for helping me out brother. You're welcome and thank you for serving our country at your size. When you become a pea size you will no longer be a veteran because you will have served a different size. And you will forfeit all aftercare by becoming smaller. Because medicine is too big for a guy that's little I guess I wouldn't be able to hurt my like kids if I'm that size

you know so maybe that's not all kids will be able to hurt you very easily I don't know if I well maybe maybe I deserve it you know on the counter while such well look even bigger She currently is No, she's going to get bigger too because we will put all of her it looks like well I forgot to ask you this but There was an option to put all of your mess onto your wife And I went ahead and said yes So she will be over twice as large when you see her next and she will have all of your

Bone fragments and such attached to hers to make her even bigger I'll be the size. I'll be the size of a bear probably and I'll be the size of a pea Yep, it. Hope she doesn't get hungry For a split pea soup for a split pea soup Do you have you ever had that did you ever have split pea soup in the military? Sometimes a child we would have we have a pea soup, but Yeah, but I made out of dead soldiers

Thousands of it man. That is metal. That's I'm gonna tell you that's hard peas were crunchy and red and screamed Screamed pay some context clues there Well Mel I Appreciate your help today. I guess I will get tiny and it will help me with my nightmares. Yep Oh down there was an option for whether it would help with nightmares I went ahead and said no because I'd even say anything about that Well, I did okay. Well tiny nightmares, I guess are better than big ones I I put same size on the nightmare. So it's gonna be a whole lot of pain and a tiny little body

Okay Okay, this was the worst VA trip I've ever had I'll probably I'll suppose that you would have a tiny sex change and so you will be a tiny lady and they do that with one snip because when you're a pee bottom surgery actually gets easier weirdly I don't know why seems like a delicate procedure just kind of rub it off whatever you got to do whatever your preference is I'm just I'm just. Look, here's what I gotta tell you, whichever type, you can be whoever you want to be when you grow up. You can get whichever bottom surgery you want, but you gotta get one. You can get it taken off and put back on, but it'll be, I'll make sure it's a different one than the one you're born with.

And I swear to God by that, no son of mine will grow up with his own penis. Be something made out of his back fat. Dad, I think I just wanna play football. I don't think I wanna do nothing like that, you know, Pop? Well, I know it's your senior year and you wanna play ball and you got your girlfriend, but, and you wanna go on and play college ball,

but it's gonna be real tough doing that once I get you a vagina and then a penis again. Okay, well, I trust you, you're the man of the house. I want your pelvis to look like Janet Jackson. I don't know what that means, Pop, but I trust you, man. Lord, after all, you know. I do love you.

God willing, you'll become the person I always planned for you to be. Very good, Dad. Physically very scarred Pop I want to be in the back shot ball, but I think maybe I miss tryouts And so I got to do a really good job of impressing all of pageant leaders Yeah, the jet exactly that's what that's called well we call them pageant leaders because we don't judge

Exactly, that's what that's called. Well, we call them pageant leaders because we don't judge. Yeah. But we are pageants. But we call ourselves pageant leaders. Pageant leagers, that's what we call ourselves. Pageant leagers. Weren't you a pageant leader of the back shot ball,

30 years running, Dad? You could tell me how I could win. Yep, we were one of the passion bleagers and we really enjoyed the bashful ball No, dad, it's not a bashful ball is the backshot ball Backshot ball. Yeah, your mom used to go back back in the day before I had that sex changed on her a few times. Back before I had her. Back before I had penises. Back before I switched the light on and off a few times before I hit the sack. She's not doing good physically or mentally. I had her I had them doing porch lights on her

Turns your mom into a goddamn skeeter catcher, you know, I mean and oh, yeah, I'm just buzzing all night. Yeah But yeah that pageant We back shot ball Yeah, oh, we're the pageant leaders in the back shot ball. Yeah, me and your mom used to go to the back shot ball. Back in the day. Back when they let city slickers like us in. Uh. I remember we used to wear, we'd always wear gray pants and an orange shirt at

The back shot ball and it would be like that so that you would reflect Whenever all the back shot water got on oh That's a good tip pop. I don't know about nothing like that That's get you some high vis get you a suit made out of high vis material if you can, and then translucent underpants. So the light hits them a little bit. Gotta have the light bouncing off a little bit. Keep it looking fresh.

The back shot welder, I like that dad, yeah. Think you can turn my heat up a little bit And I'm about to turn it up a little bit in here, too. Oh, I need to get my skeetal in torch Skeetal light Skeetal light dig welding, I'm thinking about big, big fellas' cheeks and their minds, and I'm shaking them, cause I'm the back shot welder,

and that's the truth. Yeah, he was a damn good welder. He should've seen his back shots too. That boy could take me, you know, shit underwater, but he fucking threw it back and sounded like a fucking firecracker. He could take a back shot like he was playing catch in the backyard. Mm hmm. His shit clapped like a fucking Grammy after party, you know what I mean?

We used to give back shots to Yankee Doodle back in my day. Dad, tell me about you growing up in the South back in the 20th century. Well, you know, we did a lot of the same things. We had res. Yeah. We had back shots. We had guillots.

Oh. Back then a guillot to us was like Susan B. Anthony. Or Mary Todd Lincoln is it true dad you gave back shots to Johnny Appleseed Johnny Appleseed gave back shots to me Because the seed tasted so good that it was like the cum of a guy who'd eaten an apple. Okay. That's good, Pop. That's how much cum we ate. We could tell when a guy had eaten an apple. And we could tell when a different guy had eaten cum from a guy who'd eaten an apple. Sort of like a...

So imagine how much trouble I was in when I went back to my gay parents and they could smell that I'd eaten... that I'd eaten pussy. They said, what even type of a man's cum smell is that? And I said, well, it ain't. It's from a woman. And my daddy, I remember back in those days, if they caught you drinking one load, you'd have to drink 20, you know. You'd drink a whole bucket of gizz. But

that's just the way it was. Back in the day. Back in the day. We used to live north of Back Shot Valley. Oh! Out there in the holler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Back Shot Valley. Always stunk down there, sticky hot air. Back shot air, you know. Very good, man. Oh man, I'm huffing and puffing,

I'm breathing hot back shot air over here. This is like, he has welding inside of a big cooling tower like this is welding sounds you know hot it's hotter I'm feel like I'm breathing back shot air out here mind if I take my union mandated 45 minute back shot break get me one of them journeyman those apprentice boys. Foreman, I believe that I'd do for my union mandated back shot break.

You can't have no back shot break until you show me that you've been working okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm a bad boss I'm a bad union man I lack confidence in myself in the shows Foreman I'm due for my 40 minute union mandated back shot break and you're denying it to me because you lack confidence? I don't know who I am anymore. This job is taking everything from me. All I have left is a polo shirt with a tie on it. Well you're the insecure foreman and I'm the backshot welder.

Maybe we could team up? I forgot to tell the audience about this but in my head I'm a black dinosaur. I've been imagining a black or perhaps a gray dinosaur with glasses and an orange polo shirt with a blue tie and no pants because he is a dinosaur on the bottom part of course. No pants because he is a dinosaur on the bottom part of course He works for the welders union He doesn't have he lacks confidence so he won't give the welder his back shot break decided to but he bet he wasn't Going to but he backed down immediately Dinosaur insecure form and I am due for my break

So have you. You know what it's like to take a break when you're a black dinosaur. It sucks. Because they don't have black dinosaur food in any of the food trucks. I didn't even know they had food trucks on the job site. Yeah they do. It's amazing. This is a great place to work. You kinda sound like Elon Musk a little bit.

I know, it's kinda crazy. So this part is sort of like what's happening wherever I... Everybody had a breath and so here sort of a smaller face I'm operating in mouth-wise. It's actually pretty cool. It's actually really cool. Actually, it's kind of amazing. And we're working on technologies that a lot of people really think are going to change the world, shall we say?

Science can be very fascinating. Okay. That was Elon Musk. If he was a black dinosaur. Science can be capitulating. Evidence is very contrary right now. The evidence is very contrary right now. You know what's getting out of the bay, black dinosaurs now.

The only one blue dinosaurs eat green food. Instead of being a black dinosaur they. They only want blue dinosaurs to eat green food instead of being a black dinosaur that eats red food. It's quite interesting when you just look into it. It's the type of dinosaur that we now know how to be blue that is destroying the destroying dinosaur world. The democratic party used to be the party is destroying the world that is destroying dinosaur world the Democratic Party used to be the party of the black dinosaur that eat red food and now there's a party of the green dinosaur that eats blue food yeah well I just think it's interesting is all I'm just presenting ideas is all but I actually saw a red dinosaur the other day was eating red food Which is for to not be a blackness already because all the black dinosaurs are gone

So there's no consumer of our fruit So then so I consume a food its own color. I just think it's interesting Me too, man Me too, man Me too. Hmm Swallowed some woodcumber Lana tasted almost Disgusting I'm gonna Google can a black dinosaur eat red food That Hank Williams song but he's saying he's a black dinosaur Black dinosaur

Wait, did you know that ate the Google AI thing? Yes, a black dinosaur could eat red food Whether a dinosaur is black or not is not a matter of coloration not dietary preference dinosaurs like many animals would have a variety of food preferences and diets based on their species and the availability of food in their environment. So in theory, a black dinosaur could eat red food. While red food might not be the most common type of food for dinosaurs, it could still be part of their diet if it was available and appropriate for their species.

Alright, now we've got the answer to that question. Thomas, do you think a blue dinosaur eat green food? I think blue dinosaur eating green food makes more sense than black dinosaur eating red food. Okay, let's find out. What the Google generative AI has to say. Can a blue dinosaur eat green food? Blue dinosaur eating green food, I've never seen it all.

Yes it's very likely that a blue dinosaur could eat green food, especially if it's a plant eating dinosaur. Yeah, I'd say that makes sense. I guess red food could be meat though. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can a blue dinosaur eat because baby I'm a black dinosaur I need a major change that's two different songs okay yes a blue dinosaur could potentially eat yellow food as the color of a dinosaur does not determine its diet. Dinosaurs had varied

diets and some ate plants, meat, or both, with most being plant eaters. The color of a dinosaur, like the blueback sheen seen in some species like the micro raptor, is likely due to melanosomes, which are pigment-containing organelles and doesn't indicate its food preference. So because of this, a blue dinosaur could eat yellow food if yellow food was present in the blue dinosaurs' environment. Dude, I'm so glad that the Google AI overview works so well. Can do do purple dinosaurs like red liquid.

White dinosaur, when I started eating it was plants. When I started eating it was plans That's a post Malone I'm eating, I'm eating green food Baby, I'm a black Really like that one I think you're saying that I appreciate that how many milligrams of marijuana did you eat? Oh very few only like two and a half Nightmare nightmare scary scary nightmare scary scary, you are dying, dying, dying.

Easy pieces of food, green over blue dinosaur. The black dino eating red pieces of liquid. pieces of liquid The black dino eats red pieces of liquid and the green dino eats blue pieces of food yellow Dinosaur eating orange food He likes to eat the green with the red food eat the green with the red food The blue dinosaur eats crazy amounts of yellow food and he drinks a lot amount of green liquid. Green liquid by the white dinosaur. Have you ever seen a blue dinosaur drinking insane amount of green liquid?

If you have two green liquids you get one red dinosaur. Red and yellow dinosaur food that is dinosaur spaghetti. for how many dinosaurs do you think actually got the chance to try spaghetti probably very few do you think Italians ever had a pet dinosaur? Maybe there are a few lying around. I think Barney's accent was maybe New York a little bit. And I think he would be like, he, you know, or not Barney, Fred, because he would be like Bonnie, you know, so maybe he was like Irish or maybe Italian, but he had a pet dinosaur.

People dinosaur interactions. That's going to be some like a question. Just very matter of factly. Yeah. A red dinosaur eating green food in a red hat in a blue dress In a black field oh god I actually didn't know this What other than birds We were never around at the same time as dinosaurs I don't believe that I mean says we were like 65 million years after dinosaurs it's a lot of shit dude we were absolutely hanging out with those guys. I completely believe it

But I mean it was before humans So it was like There are primates and stuff it says I'm going off Google AIs or whatever it says whenever I end whenever I Google people dinosaur interaction. I'm going well. He's these are the facts Mm-hmm the same thing that said a blue dinosaur could eat green food so probably pretty Probably pretty fucking goddamn reputable Okay, here's on our such paleontology could a dinosaur get used to human action human interaction the way modern animals do?

Probably not. Their brains were pretty small and they were pretty god damn big and strong. So I'd imagine they probably wouldn't fuck with us too much on account of being bigger than us. But maybe something chill like a Brachiosaurus or... But maybe something chill like a brachiosaurus or... Somebody immediately replied apparently with a picture they drew of a guy of a dinosaur in a human girl cuttling. Is the world 6,000 years old? 6,000 years old. Scientific evidence, particularly from radiometric dating, indicates the earth is approximately 4.5 billion years old.

While some interpretations of religious texts like the Bible's Genesis account lead to a calculation of 6,000 years old, I think I'm starting to believe that maybe the earth is maxed like a million years old. Maxed. Mostly on account of I don't know anything about the way that anything works and I just choose to believe stuff that I wanna believe. Which is kind of, listen,

this is kind of what I'm getting into. I think I'm gonna steer into the skit and I'm gonna get more into believing stuff like a blue dinosaur could eat green food and the world is about 10,000 years old. People can just believe whatever the fuck that they want to believe. Yes, the oh I want to read this. So this is from reddit r slash christianity. Does the bible actually claim earth is 6,000 years old?

This is honestly stressing me out a bit since it's pretty much impossible for Earth to be so young. But is it something I'm not seeing, or the six days of creation 144 hours or much longer? Let me see. I want to see the thing that I saw in the Google thing. Who gives a fuck? Never mind. I don't want to I want to read that anymore Let me read about something else actually we don't have to read about anything else

How's it going Thomas? What are you doing bud? You spacing out? No, I'm chilling Okay, I was thinking about How that is kind of valid, you know damn How that is kind of valid you know damn Anyway What what what that guy was saying was like damn? Why? Because the way that the Bible is translated like the way the Genesis is translated or whatever so matter of fact Yeah, then it really doesn't leave. I don't recall it leaving much room for interpretation Yeah, well I always thought I mean I wasn't taught this but I came to believe that wasn't that like kind of like a

like edict poetry like it was like a Hebrew poetry or something like like a creation myth or something like Because I remember in youth group the way that they would square that circle is is that a day back then Was like really long That was like there and they were like so some would some would say that a day is like a thousand years long To God and so the earth is like, you know So many thousands of years old or whatever some of the people my church didn't believe that the earth was six thousand years old But some of the like higher-ups definitely did

And so that's kind of what I was taught by some of the people, especially in Sunday school. And when you're a kid, I when I was a kid, I was like 6,000 is a big number. It's basically the same as 4 billion. So it was not really hard for me to like, you know, believe in that type of thing. Kind of related related I watched UFC 314 last weekend big shot to my boy fucking Volkonovsky for getting that belt as a old fart and also really liked seeing the one that he lost Yeah, he lost he got knocked out by a Ilya Taporyev. Did he win it back from him? No, he wanted back from Diego Lopez. Ilya Taporyev moved up to 155. He's probably gonna fight Islam No, he wanted back from Diego Lopez. Ilia Toporia moved up to 155. He's probably gonna fight Islam They said Bryce Mitchell got his ass. Yeah. Good night stupid ass motherfucker

Very funny to say, you know that you would go hunting with Hitler or whatever the fuck fishing and Then to get choked out by a Brazilian who seems to really enjoy barking He seems to really like barking and he seems That he he has us he says he claims he has an alter ego called Lord That takes over when he fights and it makes him violent and crazy So I like that. Yeah, I love to meet a guy like that Would love to spar a guy train with a guy nice man Yeah, I'm just kind of trying to keep the weight off as I get older, but yeah Yeah, I've got this guy lives in my head his name is Lord and when I get in the room

Go crazy You know what I mean? I'm not crazy. I want to kill people. I want to drink blood and I want to drink fucking piss Yeah, man. I'm just here for the trial. I'm just here for the just here for to learn a scissor sweep I'm not really here to learn to get into all that Anyway, I inquired about a Kia and I've had a man named Jose call me seven times since we've been on doing this show so I Feel like if I don't call him back soon, he's gonna kill himself, which you know shouldn't really be my problem, but Anyway, we got the transmission fixed on the van and I am

Fucking a normal amount of money And I am fucking a normal amount of money Into this I had to I guess I didn't have to get it fixed But I couldn't sell it with a bad transmission So I got it fixed and now I have it back on the market and I am going to sell it I'm gonna actually sell it this time. I'm not gonna back out And I'm gonna sell it and I hope nobody else backs out and I'm gonna sell it to a guy or a girl I'm whoever the fuck you know what I mean. It's got a new transmission gun. Well, it's really progressive of you'd sell your car to a girl. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I like to something like that. I like to be forward

I'd say I'd bet you'd love it if the steering wheel was pink and it ran on Moscato But this is a real world and men are gonna have to drive this car This 2014 Honda CRV that I owe $11,000 on. Wait, for real? No, I did at one point, but. I was gonna say, did you turn the car in and they just made you keep paying the loan? Which would be very, very funny.

Yeah. But no, I walked away with a month and a half's worth of rent after that, so I went, oh yeah. Oh yeah, Thomas always comes out on top very nice very swag anyway um thank you for listening guys heading over to the YouTube and day time worldwide subscribe I've got a lot of video episodes up there I'm gonna make some more head over to the time our patreon.com slash from their time toss us five bucks a month,

gets you access to some bonus episodes, backlog of that shit, plus Discord access, a dollar, gets you access to the Discord and nothing else. Sorry. Ten bucks a month, gets you access to video episodes, and guys, we're working on Pendejo Crime Volume 3. I'm writing the script for that, so if you guys like the adventures of one mousy motherfucking cheese Or you never actually heard about the adventures of mousy cheese. I make or have made a cool audio play

NPR style playhouse for the world's thing about a detective named mousy cheese a much beloved character potato dumb universe And for this one we're gonna have our lovely co-host Thomas as a part of the revolving cast of characters. We're going to do a fucking badass job on it like we did with the first one. People seem to really like it, so I set up and make another one. Getting that script finished up. Let's see what else we got. If you are in Austin this Friday the 18th come to mr

Nice guys also known as the green room for a little bit of weed themed comedy God knows I love weed and I'll be at the fucking weed Comedy club breathing in secondhand smoke and then I'll bomb for 15 minutes and I'll fucking go in my van and drink blood Then May 4th. I'll be at the Velveeta room may 10th Me and Thomas will be at the Velveeta room for the live motherfucking Pendejo time show You can get tickets at my Twitter pinned post at Jake Broads Or you can find them on the Pendejo time Instagram Pudeo time worldwide or on Thomas's Instagram at Leno killer

That or you can go on the Velveeta room comm and go to May 10th and get your motherfucking tickets right then there 15 bucks in advance $20 at the goddamn door Please help us sell this motherfucker out. I know you guys wouldn't want to see an Austin show So come on out to see that That's all I got Thomas what you doing, baby, I got nothing other than yeah Just come to the May 10th live show, please come to the May 10th live show, please come to that You know, I'm gonna get some new merch you guys are gonna love it all right peace bye