Pendejo Time - Jake and Tom Go to High School

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Your two best friends reminisce on their primes...high school studs, star quarterbacks, gods of the arena.  What becomes lost to this earth can only be regained in the next life.Support the Show.

Yeah! Yeah, Craig, yay! I never even have a voluntary reaction to that noise, that voice. It's just like, it makes me make a face. You know what I mean? Like, if I met a guy who had that voice, I would yell at him. And I wish that weren't... Yeah, if you just... If you couldn't figure out how to talk to me...

I wish that weren't the case, but that's what would happen. At least at this stage of my life. Yeah, it's definitely like, it's definitely grating. Sometimes I'll do it to Ashley. I don't think she likes it either too much. Really? Yeah. Yeah, can you believe that she doesn't like that type of stuff?

I figured she would like that voice i figured she thinks it's funny but but i just keep it going yeah do you want to hang out today oh wow yeah i'm not saying it's not a funny voice you know i i never denied that yeah we we i figured we could go to the movies or something yeah Yeah, that's just... It's definitely one of the voices that exists out there. I can't say I've heard it from

anybody else, but... I've thrown it into the debt collector inventory of voices I use when people call. That'd be fucking... That'd be tough. Well, so a lot of times I don't answer, but if they call back more than once,

I usually hit them with something. Sometimes, if I got the time and I'm on the computer, I'll do the classic... I'll pull up hereditary soundtrack or scary movie sounds, and I just put it on speaker, and I'm like,

and it's like violins like discord but that one it requires like uh like i have to be working or doing something so uh every now and then i'll i'll pick the phone up and with a little like uh hello is this um i'm calling on a recorded line i'm looking for uh mr jacob rhodes i'm like hi yeah that's me that's fucking and he's like oh okay i i am calling from Southwestern Credit Solutions. Yeah, I think I owe you guys a little bit of money. Say it. Say it. It sucks so bad. It's tough.

It's tough for sure. It's tough just for me to even. I mean, it's my job to sit here and listen to you, and that's a tough. It makes me want to send it makes me want to take my headphones off i hate to say it yeah no i understand but but listen listen it's it's like it's momentarily there's an actually different person talking to me that i there's a 100 chance you get paid more to be on this show than he does to call for the debt company that's

said 100 uh so think that way. And then two, he probably never has got to hear such a beautiful voice before. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. He just doesn't... When you're calling in from...

Oh, you think Southeast Asian guys can't have the weirdest voice in the world? They have interesting voices, but they don't have anybody in their life that talks like this. I don't think there's anybody in the world that talks like that. I mean, maybe like

a little boy somewhere, like a really excited little boy. If I heard a little boy talk like that, I'd hit him. You know what I mean? What if you go visit your your sister and you're like oh your nephew's got so big hey what's up little man he's like hi uncle thomas what if you did what if you went to like south africa and you did like a man on the street thing and you were like would you rather your son be gay or talk like this hey

would you rather your son be homosexual or talk like this i don't here's the thing i think i could you got to go to like someplace that's not doing good um because i feel like well i mean like if you do that in new york you might get got but it's just because you're annoying and new yorkers don't have time for stuff like that but it's just because you're annoying and New Yorkers don't have time for stuff like that. But I think also in New York you're able to tune out insane people.

Because it's kind of like a part of living. It's like there's not really a good place for them to go or anything. And even like the most cruel people are like alright well I'm on the subway. The most cruel people kill them all right well i'm on the subway people kill them well that is true

the most cruel people kill as it turns out the most people do kill homeless people now that they do jujitsu i was the best you know bad timing on my part i gotta say talk about some talk about a bad PR move for tightly wound white guys. Yeah. Because I tell you, I had a disagreement with a guy on a subway a few years ago, which did not lead to violence it led to both of us getting really nervous and then that's typically how interactions right right it led to um led to the back of my knees sweating really bad i didn't do anything cool yeah yeah yeah but i think now you know what if i what if uh because the thought didn't occur to me, what if I killed him?

That wasn't, I mean, it did, but it wasn't like, that wasn't one of the serious outcomes of the situation. What was much more likely was him killing me. For sure. Because, I mean, I didn't go, I had no desire to even fight the man he was just being legitimately being he was like

being a very active physical problem but anyway I think well Thomas what if you had just something in you had snapped and you had killed a homeless guy on a train full of people. And as it turns out, that would have been a bad move, and I know that now.

But, you know, looking back, there were definitely times in my life in which that would have been maybe the coolest thing that you could do. On the one hand, you get away with it. But in my mind, I would force push him or something. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. Dude, choking somebody to death is fucking gnarly business. That is gnarly as shit. And that guy did it for like 15 minutes.

That is fucking insane insane and you must be so tired when you get up you got to go get a hot pretzel or something i i feel like that whole um there's i i i don't know what's going on i know that a lot of the people who like that James guy from Twitter was posting like oh he went to the mental hospital a bunch like you shouldn't feel bad for him like I know that a lot of

people pretend to be callous especially like right wing types pretend to be calloused to sell something like a shirt with bitcoin and like Bill gates getting puss get eating pussy on it you know what i mean like there's a lot of guys who adopt sort of callously right-wing opinions to sell stuff but there's some guys that are legitimately like oh he he was an insane person so he deserved it and then other people in the replies are like

for sure man yeah no i i like agree i agree with you he went to jail and he was crazy so he deserved that i don't know what to do with people like that in my mind i you kill them like they get dead in my mind, like, I imagine, basically, like, have you ever been to a bouncy house? I have, yeah, yeah. Like, basically, we give them, all the guys that say stuff online, we give them boobs. And then they have to hang out in a bouncy house and they have to bounce the whole afternoon and they got boobs that day.

Okay. And so that would really cause a lot of physical pain for them. I thought, I mean you get really creative with your torture stuff. I was just thinking like firing squad. I'm a classic guy. I was also thinking like firing squad. I'm curious. I got old. I'm a classic guy.

What if we gave them boobs and then, uh, they had to jerk us off with the boobs and they hadn't even healed up yet. And so, Oh, like a, like a titty type. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And basically they, uh, had to, and I wouldn't, I really, I'd have a hard time even like keeping it up if something like that happened because it doesn't really interest me.

Yeah, imagine trying to get, like, a, like, trying to titty-fucking a bunch of Marines. Imagine titty-fucking Ian Miles Chong. You know what I'm saying? Well, you know, I mean, crazier things have been done. I think you could do it now if you push them together. Yeah. Dude, that guy's such a fuck. I don't want to spit too much.

He always looks like he just got like – he always looks like somebody just pissed on his face or something. Like the way he squints, it's like, ah. You know how UFC fighters look right when they sit up after getting kicked? I just remembered what he looks like. But you know what? He squints uneven. Right.

Well, it's like when somebody gets knocked out and they first wake up. Yeah. He has a slack-jawed like he's a fucking ugly sack of shit. He looks Like he's a fucking He's an ugly sack of shit He looks like he's getting

His dog Played with Oh it's his dog Yeah that's what he He looks like he's getting that dog He looks like he's getting that dog Played with He looks like he's getting

He looks like he's got that puppy Rolling around He looks like He looks like he's got that Little horsey getting Getting played out in the field. Just imagine the worst way to...

Yeah, he look like he probably... He look like that squid got caught on the line. He look like that guppy bubbling up. You know what I'm saying? He look like his guys are going off. He look like he got... He look like his tadpole swimming upstream

you know what i'm saying it sucks so bad dude he looks so net he looked like he got him he looked like his crawdad wiggling around in the mud he looked like that bullfrog croaking howling up a storm you know he looked like he looked like the uh he he looked like his looked like the he looked like his stick got like he got slime on it he looked like that pig going rooting around in the mud he looked like

that kangaroo hanging out in the pouch yeah he he looked like that groundhog got himself a nice little piece of grass i did it'd be so awesome to be the kind of like uh alcoholic fat uncle your nephew turns like 13 and you just you throw like bizarre sexual euphemisms his way not in a pedophilic way of course but in like a hey hey nephew i got question for you. You be letting that grub worm bark? You about that age?

Like your nephew hit seventh grade? Hey, Nev, question for you. You're still white. You're still Thomas. You're no other. Hey, Nev, got a question for you. You be letting that toad talk? It's about that age where you let that toad be talking to them girls.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Come here. You're three feet away from him. Hey, come here. Come here. Hey, come here, Neff. Let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something. Hey, Neff. Hey, Neff. I know I'm three years older than you. I'm 15. Hey. Our parents are real fucked up people. I got to tell you.

Do that squid, do it be inking? Have you ever, look, let me use a little metaphor. Have you ever fucked a girl? Hey, Nef, check it You like sandwiches? Once you're older, you'll know what that means You like sandwiches? You ever get your cucumber pickled yet? You ever, uh

You ever had some broth poured in your In your BB bop? Your BB bop? You ever get a bami with an extra slice of pork on there let me ask you something ain't nothing let me ask you a question you ever let that subway train go in the station hey your mama your mama my sister and she would want me talking to you like this but i but but i know what i remember what it was like to be a young man. So my question for you is,

you ever get your kazoo blowed on? You ever get that thing? You know how a kazoo go? You know? Hey, yo. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Hey.

I'm drunk as shit, Neff. Hold on. You ever had your bagel boiled? Hey. Hey, Neff, I'm sorry. Hey, take a sip of this. This will put some fucking... Some fucking fire on your fucking dick.

Just fuck the phrase up really bad. Hey, take a sip of this, Neff. It'll put some fucking hair on the inside of your ass. This will put some dick on your nipples. Yeah, this will put some nuts on your fucking butt cheeks.

For sure, Neff. This will put some balls on your chest. Neff, For sure, Neff. This will put some balls on your chest. Neff, hit this, Neff. This will put some cum on your cheeks. Hey, take a hit off this cigarette. I know we're inside. It don't matter. Hit this

elf bar, Neff. It's Miami Mint. Hey, Neff. Hit this Supreme card. Hit this Spongebob weed pen. I got this. This'll put some taint on your brain. Yeah, this'll put some titties on your chin.

Hey, Neff, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. You ever driven your dump truck down to the landfill? Yeah. That's good. I grew up, me and your mom, we grew up in a cult. We used to fuck.

Hey, if your mama don't want me talking to you like this Uncle please I don't want to have any more sex talk Hell no I ain't talking about none of that I used to fuck on your mom Listen when you're raised up Like we was normally and healthily In the suburbs

With two parents who love you sometimes Ain't nothing left to do but do a little fucking, you know. Honestly, Neff. You know your auntie? I hate that. Your wife. You know my wife? Hey, let's miss it.

Once a year, baby. Yeah, once a year. yeah once a I do a big my birthday and then like we start to on our anniversary but she gets mad as hell and leaves

and that's how you think we adopted both those kids it's cause I got that it's cause I like I like to park sideways in the garage you feel me

hey Nev listen I'm gonna teach you something about love you got a girlfriend That's because I like to park sideways in the garage. You feel me? Hey, Neff, listen. I'm going to teach you something about love. You got a girlfriend, Neff? I bet. So y'all been fingering each other? Yo. The thing about love, Neff, is right now it's sexy as hell. I bet she hot as hell.

Was she a cheerleader? All right. About y'all in that grade. But, now, it's sexy as hell. I bet she hot as hell. Was she a cheerleader? All right, by y'all Neff Gray. But yeah, y'all get married, and then she start making sandwiches and asking you to put a shelving in. She wants you to install a fucking sound bar so she can watch Love Island. You know what I'm saying, Neff? Neff, let me ask you something. You ever had a whole army or butthole yet? you know what I'm saying, Nev? Nev, let me ask you something. You ever had a whole army or butthole yet?

Y'all be young as hell. I know y'all youngins be doing wild shit, boy, I see this shit on. You be taking a strap? Yeah. I do it.

Ain't no shame in that. You're like a sexual, you're like a sexual freak and you're talking to your nephew Hey, Nev I remember what it was like to be A night gray boy I mean, oof

You know, we got out of some crazy Have your girl put crickets in your butthole yet? Just like a whole thing of crickets from the stool Yo Hey, let me ask you something Alright Let me ask you something alright let me ask you something you ever smoked a cigarette

in a butt where you get your head is in a butt you're smoking cigarettes in there and then she starts throwing up yeah

hey Neff we've been doing this for a long ass time hey Neff hey Neff you still listening hey hey Neff remember how you put this on for your girlfriend on this road trip?

And now you guys are going to have a weird talk about it. Like maybe you were taken to the Grand Canyon and you were probably going to smash later because you took your girl to the Grand Canyon. But then you put on a podcast about fingering your nephew and now like the vibe is just it cannot be shifted back like yeah like nothing against your girl she's a great lady but it's like you don't want to as a woman and really as mostly as a man too like as whatever you identify as like you don't want to hear about like an uncle talking about like banging his sister and stuff which is about yeah about asking his nephew that's actually like really crass if his toad is burbling up when he's in seventh grade that type of nothing really like honestly

we shouldn't even be saying stuff like that yeah like it makes me uncomfortable it makes me sad yeah i've been doing this two years. I mean, we said we could do this about whatever we want to. This is what we talk about. We have the freedom to do whatever we want, yeah. Speaking of freedom, this is a free episode. Like, my people I went to, some of my friends growing up will listen to this. Yeah, my mom could listen to this.

Yeah, Jake's mom will listen to this. And hopefully mine won't because like honestly if i could pick one from my mom listen to it would not be towards the end like that list yeah i would maybe i don't the saddest thing is this wouldn't be the last one no there has been way worse but if i had to find one where i don't curse and we don't talk about sex and we also that would be very difficult and also where we don't discuss anything race related or anything about jobs we've had or people we grew up with yeah or just anything i think you can then eliminate the rest of the show if you do that i would i would say that uh probably the one that i would at least

want my anybody in my life to listen to that doesn't know what this is would be Cool Dad. I think Cool Dad is probably... Do you remember Cool Dad? No. Oh, yes I do. Is that Stan in it? What? Oh, yeah. No, that wasn't Stan in it. That was a different one?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Where he's just guiding his son through yeah it's like you get basically the bit was very similar to this pretty tough uh i think the only fundamental difference is it was dad's son this is uncle nephew really i don't think about it yeah and in a way you know one is worse than the other. Yeah, kind of. We're on the way up. We're on the way up.

We're healing. We're still growing as people. I'm 29 years old. We're only a combined 55 years old. You know what I mean? It's okay. What's crazy is that You paint a beautiful picture With the Grand Canyon road trip

But It There's no way that hasn't happened At this point I guess like Because I've been told That people will Be like

Yeah I put this on And I listen with my girlfriend Or my wife or whatever And I do appreciate that You you know, for sure. But I also, if I put this on for my girlfriend, it's not like she would break up with me.

All right. But she would judge me. She lives with you, though. It's different. She would judge me. Also, it would be doubly weird because it's me right but i'm trying i don't want to gender the show women are allowed to laugh at stuff no women listen to the show but they don't listen to it as often and often they know for sure against

their own will yeah there's way more of that going on than the other yeah yeah for sure imagine a woman listening to this show hoping she gets laid later yeah like she puts it on like listening the way that you would watch like uh like a french movie you know what i mean where it's like all right this fucking this blows but i'll sit maybe yeah maybe i'll get a little something-something at the end of this. And then at the end, the guy just turns off. He's listening to it on the TV sound bar. Yeah. At the end, he just turns off the TV, and he says, go home.

I'm drunk. She's not drunk at all, by the way. She hasn't been drinking. He's had 12 beers. Yeah, yeah. And it's 7 p.m. Inviting a girl over to listen to 15 hours of this show. And she's like, well, I mean, he is hot, so hopefully I get a dick down at the end of this.

And then, yeah, just drinking 15 Budweiser's and being like, hey, you can leave whenever. I honestly forgot you were here. Just getting a headache. I've been hanging out with my friends Thomas and Jake for honestly like you probably shouldn't have even came over sacrifice you to the sun to be able to hang out with these guys yeah like honestly I've had a couple nights like that not with any podcast but I definitely have had nights where I like like like a tinder like, oh, we can hang out, you can come over. And then I just, like, got drunk on the couch and was like, ah, you gotta go. Oh, it's the best, dude.

It's awesome. I had a few dates where I fell asleep at a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And it's nice, dude, because you can just fucking order food go to sleep wake up and the food's there and then you just pay for it or whatever and then you go home you don't have to fuck her or anything you just eat yeah you can just go to your house and eat your food go home um don't even drink just sit on the porch for a while and then go yeah yep sit on the porch and jack off. You know, jack off outside.

Nothing quite like, you know, just falling asleep at the restaurant, jacking off at the restaurant. Then you go home. Going home and sitting on the porch. Go home, eat your food in the shower, and then go jack off on the porch, and then you fall asleep at the restaurant again. and then you fall asleep at the restaurant again. Yeah, I don't think... We do this show, it's like a part of my life and my routine.

Oh, wow, really? It's not... Shut the fuck up, you sleeping ass bitch. I don't even fucking remember I do this show. It's basically like nothing to me. But like the fucking... Whenever I'm reminded of like, oh, yeah, I threw this on me and my girlfriend drove to Utah. I put this on the whole way. Mike, man. Let her listen to fucking what a girls listen to? What do the podcast girls listen to?

Party, house party, hot girl show. What are like the equivalent? What's the equivalent of this show that's real for girls? There's Call Her Daddy, but that's too refined almost. Then they're way too big. Maybe the one... Well... I don't know. I'm trying to think of a small show the women like.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't know any girl podcasts. It's HRH. Yeah, dude, fuck her. I can't stand her, dude. She's awesome. We get along great. It seems like

you guys would be really good friends. We skateboard together. Yeah, we do jiu-jitsu together. Me and HRH. She actually has a black belt in karate. Did you know that? No, that's very funny, though. Yeah.

I want to hang out with Trisha Paytas. Can you imagine getting beaten up by HRH Collection? No, no. I think I would sleep with one. I think I would just ah. Anyway.

Stop. But I would never fight. I would never fight a woman because I would just stick my giant dogs on her.

And then that way it wouldn't be my fault. Hey, if girls want to be equal to men, then I should be able to beat them up. I love the Indian guys who are really into men's rights nowadays. Yeah. It's been going on for a while. All of that stuff is getting really really popular again it's been popular and i'm sure it's in other places too i've just mainly seen it like uh

among southeast asian guys one of my favorite instances of it and i don't think it's even a majority of them either i think it's just like how we have movements within our pop culture you know for sure no most people like i'm sure most southeast asian guys would be like yeah that's gay i don't know why people do that but there's uh when dana slapped his wife a video came out on all the comments like on instagram i was seeing of it there would be an account called like mcgregor.punjabi and it would be like a uh like a black and white picture of McGregor flexing. And then he would have like, you know, like some sort of thing going on, you know, like a like a big elephant with a king's hat on. And the comment would be like this.

She should be lucky married to Dana White. She should let him hit her. It's just some shit. Or like if I had beautiful wife and she hit me, I would kill her. It's like, that's awesome, man. That's cool. That's so sick. Yeah, that's certainly a way to look at it.

Yeah, well, hey, we should send this to ESPN. I think they'd like to have you on to see what your thoughts are on the situation. It's like it's there. See, see, see what your thoughts are on the situation. There will be a video of like a girl like like pushing a guy like it'll be like a world star or whatever. Like she's pushing and she's fucking shoving him or whatever. And the dude just three pieces are and start stomping on her head. And like 80 to 90 percent of the comments are like, yeah, and I would have done way more than that. I i would i would have took it further because i'm a fucking i'm a renegade dude dude the thing is

every every uh there's such a range um in sizes with um like with indian, it makes me wonder sometimes like who's behind the screen. Because on one hand, it could be like a 5'4", like lean dude. Like 95 pounds. But it also could be like a 6'8", like mountain giant. And there's no way to know.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I didn't know about Punjabis until like high school. Like I found out Big Dave was like 6' out big dave was like six three and i was like what the fuck is his deal they gave him like hgh as a kid or something and then it's like yeah some of them are just built like that yeah just colonization well what's like what i i'd read was that uh it was from the basically in that region wheat was introduced because the like

Aryan tribes or whatever like colonized so like that it was like generations of like eating wheat compared to rice oh interesting but I don't know if that's if that's true yeah there's a whole

Wikipedia page on the men's rights movement in India I just found. Well, right now the current manifestation or iteration of it or whatever are the podcasts that we were talking about on the video episode the other day where it's like you bring on the dumbest, most like flyby-night, pyramid scheme, day trader guys. And then you bring on the dumbest, like, oh my god, fucking girls from LA and Miami. And then you ask them, like, ask them how many trains have you had ran on you? Then you tell them that they'll never find a husband. All of that, that is what we're talking about condensed into a thick

syrup. That's MRA concentrate. In the 90s, these groups started one of the most famous uh being called parito perush which is called the persecuted man that's so cool another one is called the committee for the protection of men's rights and the best one uh which the the hindi name i am not going to try and pronounce because i'm going to butcher that but it's called protesting torture by wives yeah hell yeah that's awesome and uh i i you know i looked briefly at some pictures of these organizations' leaders,

and they looked like it was some of the only guys I've ever seen where the first thought I had when I saw them was, that guy gets hit by his wife, for sure. Yeah. Like, that's a guy who, that's a whiner, for sure. These were not, out here, spoiler alert, these were not the giant mountain people of India. No. These were pudgy, probably five foot tall fellas, which there's nothing wrong with. All right.

But I will say, and I'm not saying either that there are no abusive women or anything like that. However, calling it wife torture is certainly a way to put it. Right, right, right. You know, I mean, I remember, you know, Jake's told me a lot of stories where he's gotten beaten up by little girls. A lot of them in middle school, elementary school, you know, and that's a real problem that people face. How many seventh grade girls do you think you could fight at one time? I could fight most of them. Like in general?

Yeah, I'd just get a fucking flamethrower. No, hand to hand. Oh, hand to hand. Well, here's the thing. It would really depend on the batch. All right? Okay. Why do I say that?

That sounds weird. It doesn't really. What I mean by that is it depends on the height and the weight of the girls very good now if i've got a bunch of short girls you know i can i can do i'm gonna do some quick k.o's there all right yeah i hate to say it i can ko a seventh grade girl like it's nothing it doesn't make me a badass. I'm just a grown man. You know what I mean? It's not.

It's just weight. It's just weight being thrown around. If I get, let's say, an inner city girls middle school basketball team, they're winning. I hate to say it. Oh, no. Come on, man. Have more confidence.

No, dude. Some of them are like 6'3". Don't. Oh, no. Come on, man. Have more confidence. No, dude. Some of them are like 6'3". Don't fuck that, though. No, dude. There's girls who are over 6' tall. Oh, I believe you, but they're getting slept. They're getting put to sleep. Okay, I'm not saying I'm losing to every...

I'm saying if they all attack me at the same time. Oh, no, still. From all angles. Still. Still. Yeah, you're putting them away. Dude, come on. Are you serious?

You're putting... Okay, take 10. How many people are on your average basketball team? Like, not bench writers. At least 15. Players. Okay. All right.

Say 15. 7th grade... 7th and 8th grade girls. Even the ones that are over 6 foot are probably going to weigh $1.20, $1.30? Dude, there's some hefty women. Okay, $1.60. $1.60. It's just one right cross.

Just right down the pipe. Yeah, but they're hitting you from all angles. I'm just trying not to get cocky here. Here's the thing, though. I'm a very... I'm a humble man. I've always been a humble man. Okay? But if I'm just trying to get you to copy here. No, here's the thing, though. I'm a very, I'm not, I'm a humble man. I've always been a humble man, okay? But if there's anything I'm confident in, it's beating children. No, I'm not saying, I'm saying one-on-one,

I think I could beat up any seventh grade girl in the world. Yeah, one-on-one, that's enough. Yeah, dude, it depends also if they're throwing actual punches or if they're slapping. Girls will grab hair and they'll slap. That's tough. I might shave my head for this. Yeah, we might have to shave our heads because if they can grab hair, it's –

I'm worried about them grabbing my man bun and then I'm getting hit with acrylics and stuff. Yeah, that's tough. You know? It doesn't make sense to – That would be like getting killed by hyenas, honestly. That's how. You know. It doesn't make sense. That would be like getting killed by hyenas, honestly. That's how I imagine it. It doesn't make sense to pose the hypothetical of an eighth grade, like, boys football team. Because I remember in eighth grade there were guys that were benching, like, 300 reps.

They put them on that juice. They do, dude. It's so funny to put your, like, 12-year-oldyear-old kid on deck of balling, but they do it. Well, dude, I remember thinking there was something wrong with me because I would work out with the football team, and I was benching like 145, and I was struggling. Which is good for that age. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then there's one of the wide receivers is putting up like 315 like five six seven times and he's 15 years old and he's huge and i was just like oh this is but then almost everybody on the o-line did the same thing and i was like okay maybe these guys are just fat but i've known a lot of fat motherfuckers in my life and not every fat motherfucker I know can put up 315 for reps or 400 even so I'm like and then I later found out that if you if it's like above a 4a or 3a even hell I feel like maybe probably happens at 2a schools there there there's a solid fucking chance in texas or anywhere in the south but texas specifically that those kids are on gear it's just it's just

i had a kid tell me that he played for katie and he wrestled for katie he was like oh yeah like half the football team's on juice they don't test it's high school football why wouldn't you put why why wouldn't you they won state like fucking 15 years ago there was katie tigers i forget which there's two schools in katie but it was we're gonna get those championships taken away yeah me and you we do like a vice dude if we okay do you think we would get like like uh like michael hastings or gary webb like like when like when journalists get killed in the united states me and you get killed by like trucks, trucks. Right. That's what I'm saying.

Like, if me and you took down the institution that is Texas high school football, like, if we started exposing all of the sexual abuse, all of the steroid use. Yeah, but when you think about it, that would take so long to edit. Yeah, no, I'm not going to do it. It's too much. Also, for real, like, I really do think if you started the – like, these one-horse towns, two horses, maybe, maybe three. You know Aledo?

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine taking down Aledo High School. I knew – you want to hear something fucking wild? I know guys who got recruited by Aledo in sixth grade. Yep. Dude, Katie did that. So I found that out. Katie won scholarships in, like, fifth,th grade. Yep. Dude, Katie did that. So I found that out.

He won scholarships in 5th, 6th grade. Yeah. Katie would... I remember he moved from Katie to the high school that I went to. In junior year, we were bullshitting about it. He was telling me that what Katie will do is

if you're a top flight 7th or 8th eighth grade player and you don't live in Katie, but you are seriously top flight, ride receiver, whatever the fuck, they will pay, the school district will pay your family to move. Like hundreds of them. And then they'll be like, yeah, you can, yeah. How does that work? Like you're telling a 13-year-old kid, hey, you need to tell your mom, move your ass out of Port Arthur baby

You're moving to Katy Texas The Burbs we're gonna go to the fucking Katy Mills Mall together We're gonna eat Chick-fil-A And shit anyway My new goal in life is to bring Bring down Texas high school football All these small ass towns you're gonna have to

Find something else to do Cause Jake and Thomas are coming in to to dude we it would not even and they're all gonna be playing pickleball it would not even be to get pickleball it wouldn't even be 10th page news imagine trying to pitch to like the austin chronicle or the houston whatever hey um these small high schools they're feeding their kids steroids to be better at football. Yeah. Some of the coaches are fucking the cheerleaders. Uh-huh.

Yep. 100%, man. That's just kind of how we do it in this state, brother. You give 15-year-olds Tran and D-ball, and then the strength and conditioning coach Dick Downs the lead cheerleader, and that's just sort of how it goes. And then he doesn't get fired. He just moves to a smaller town. I hate say it jake i really do but i think we've really only got one option if we want to crack this thing what's that all right now hear me out

have you ever done any gymnastics or anything along those lines no i'm very i'm not very flexible never have been okay Have you ever done any gymnastics or anything along those lines? No, I'm not very flexible. Never have been. Okay. But you've got a willingness to learn, for sure. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Of course.

I'll learn anything, man. Yeah. I hate to even say this, but maybe we could get you into some rolling and some gymnastics and stuff. And, you know, you've got that baby face, that beautiful baby face. I do, I do. Keep growing that hair out. And slouch a little bit. Look a little shorter.

Okay. And I think we just might be able to get you on the KD cheerleading team it's gonna be JV well okay you're missing from there and I hate to even say this Jake cause I really don't want you doing this

okay but if we really want to uncover the sexual abuse all right there's really only one way to do it without there being a victim that's a minor you know what i mean i i i understand and i agree do you want these poor school girls getting molested or do you want to jump in front of the bullet? I think I put down what you're picking up. Yeah.

I think if you get a decent tuck going and we can get you some lip fillers, some facial feminization surgery How quickly do you think They would call the police If I walked into Katie High school in a dress with my shit tucked With makeup Hi Hello We're gonna get you voice training And keep in mind you're not trans

This is only for I'm not trans Obviously You're not trans I'm not trans. I'm not trans, obviously. Right. You're not trans. I'm not fucking trans. Hey, dude. Right, right, right, right, right.

These guys need to fuck you. And the more coaches you can get to bang you, I think the better our chances are. And also, I think, like, you know, if the more, because you'll have a couple of cameras. We'll have one, probably one in your mouth and one in your ass. And I figured the more dads we could get to get in on this, too. Yeah.

The bigger the story could be, maybe some of the members of the police department. Yeah. Maybe some other journalists of the police department. Yeah. Maybe some other journalists even. Who knows? Yeah. I mean, if we want to cover – We need to have a lot of evidence. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I'll have an earpiece. You'll have an earpiece in, and I'll be listening in a band. I won't be recording any of it, but I'll just be listening. Are you going to a like a football team in a predominantly hispanic area i feel like you could pull that off no i gotta be a coach oh so wait are you gonna fuck me no what hey no i gotta supervise this whole operation you know what i mean okay all right okay so i gotta instigate because because

let's be honest this coach is they don't want to fuck you yet i gotta just like if the i gotta sell me hear me out you know what i mean right right right right like man i hate to even say this but you know i i kind of want to fuck jacklyn. That new refrigerator built cheerleader. You know, the one with the shoulders? Yeah, she's... Take a look at how impossibly long those legs are. Wow. She looks so good in those size 17 women's slippers.

Yeah. I don't know about you guys, but whoever bags her is going to be one lucky duck. I wish it could be me. Probably won't. I'm married. I can't do nothing like that i'm married man but hey hey mike i know you and your old lady split up i mean you might be able to get yourself a piece of that you know what i'm saying i mean look at the way that she has no ass and it just goes from leg to

back look at all those biker tattoos that's awesome yeah look at all those old shitty american traditional tattoos on that on that girl's sort of corded forearm wow very sinewy that's uh wow that's yeah i'd be be one lucky guy whoever gets in on that you know something that i look that i look for god damn some of these cheerleaders is a cinder block head just perfectly rectangular massive you know she's almost like asian if you kind of squint you know i know some girls get a little bit of facial hair when they hit. And just the way that that shitty mustache just barely touches the cheek hair is just, oh, man, it's doing something to me. But, again, I'm married, so you guys, anyway. It's cool she doesn't wear perfume or even, like, shower.

She smells bad. Hey, you know, I caught Jacqueline out, uh uh you know hey this is how you guys know she likes to party i caught jacklyn out behind a nissan ultimate parking lot chain smoking camel wides and drinking two mickeys 40s so you know that she's probably a cheap date uh yeah i would i saw her beat the fuck out of a full-grown homeless man. I would be very careful. She seemed pretty quick with those left kicks. So I just, oh, you know, I'd be very careful. Anyway.

Anyway, it's something to think about, you know. Yeah, I know. Well, I want to make the world a better place. That was the ultimate goal of this show. I want to make the world a better place. That was the ultimate goal of this show. And I think, I do believe that Texas is a sort of sick, depraved state in a lot of ways. But if we could do a little bit of good by shutting down the steroid abuse in the high school football teams.

And if we could shut down the sexual abuse from the coaches to the cheerleaders, and we could repair marriages, because you know when those coaches fuck those cheerleaders, they get divorced. It's sad, and you've got to think of the husband. Otherwise, great husbands. That one thing they do. That one thing they do they can't quit doing is just having sex with a high school cheerleader. And then those boys who ruin their bodies by getting on fucking Deca when they're 14 or 15. We got to think of their futures.

How are you going to play college ball or pro bowl if you're nuts are the size of fucking raisins and you're basically schizophrenic from too much Trent right I think I think I could I think I could have sex with probably three to five strength conditioning coaches before I lost my mind you know I think but well you know

we'll get your brain ready for it yeah we'll get you brain ready for it yeah we'll get you train the mind yeah I'm really appreciative that you would think yeah you would take part better like compartmentalizing all of it you know yeah kind of just

dissociating thinking about the greater good you know at a certain point you probably won't even you'll be like I'll be like all right your mission's over you made it and you're like we're i think the cheerleading squad is going to state next year i kind of want to yeah i'm the only one who's going to hold up three girls at one time for the pyramid yeah they really need me i'm the only yeah I'm the only one that can suplex them through the bleachers. Listen, we're working on something.

We're working on something. If you can change the world through your art, and that's what podcasting is. It's not just me talking to my friend twice a week. Podcasting is an art form In some ways the only art form In some ways the only one that matters these days As AI Have you ever listened to the AI Drake song?

Uh no No uh I'll be alright though I'll find it You should listen to it You should play it in the car I'm really trying to keep myself young uh so i've been listening to a lot of um ai drake uh and uh the carpenters

yeah i uh what did i listen to today? I think I listened to some Glen Campbell and Fuck I think maybe some some girl some girl on song

Yeah There's a girl. My life has been pretty exciting lately, I got to say. You know, we had that vacation, and that was really nice in the last few days. I think I used up all the serotonin I had for the rest of my life. Oh, I do that shit all the time, and I know I've talked about it on here. I'm just happy as fuck for like three days now. Yeah.

God damn it, dude. Dude, I think you and me, I don't know if we've ever gone down this rabbit hole in the show, but I really do think that vacation's bad for me. Because for four days, dude, yeah, I was hanging out with my friends by the lake, fucking eating good food, fucking watching UFC, laughing, fucking getting high. And then Monday rolls around, and'm literally i'm like dude i i have i don't want to do anything i hate this now the only reason i have that feeling is because i take time off so you just have to fucking work me like a mule and then when i start to fall over you

just like shock me with a cattle prod or you beat the shit out of me and then you just fucking send me back to work like i don't yeah dude i fucking i had panda express today yeah and i looked i looked because i got the the big plate you know where you get three entrees and i was feeling real fucking tired after yeah i looked man i ate fucking like 1900 calories for lunch. That's so awesome, dude. Because I had two of the Beijing beef, one orange chicken with large chow mein. You had two Beijing beefs? Two Beijing beef, one orange chicken. Hell yeah, dude. That's badass.

Are you bulking right now? Well, I lost weight on vacation. Oh, okay. Isn't that bad? I lost like two pounds. Don't know fucking how. No, I... Yeah, I just...

Maybe I lost it before. I think actually I was probably just really dehydrated. I think that's a more likely scenario. My brother works at Panda Express. Shout out to Jaden. He's like, yeah, man, I eat it every day for lunch. I haven't been feeling that good lately. I'm like, we were talking about it.

We were on the road to Denton. He's like, yeah, I eat fucking, it's just Beijing beef all day. I'm like, all day, every day? He's like, yeah, I eatijing beef orange chicken hot beef it's just like i'm like how much like how many pounds of beijing beef do you think you eat a week he's like i probably 15 that's so fucking so insane dude there's so much sugar in that stuff too i really have no idea what the sugar situation is like you know what though 1900 calories for lunch isn't really that bad. Like a serving of Beijing beef has twenty four grams of sugar in it.

That's sick. I love that. That's awesome. So if you have three entrees, it's like you drink like a large soda. Can I ask you what possessed you to get three entrees? I was hungry. OK, I'm not judging i just like uh i had all i had for breakfast was like a dry bagel oh hell yeah no that's cool sometimes at 2 p.m when i had lunch so i was hungry as fuck sometimes at night i'll have uh i'm really bad about prepping for lunch

and dinner till next day and then just eating a gas station edible and eating all the meal prep eating like 4 000 calories of like stir fry and chicken oh yeah dude it's bad i uh like whenever i get hungry even if i'm like usually it's not when i'm like stoned or whatever it's just like when i get hungry I'll get like psychotic about it like I almost ordered a fucking case of fortune cookies a couple months ago and I was completely sober I was like 19 bucks for like a thousand fortune cookies that's a pretty damn good deal I could just bring like 50 fortune cookies for lunch. Then I got like 20 lunches. And then I realized a fortune cookie is made out of like nectar. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's like there's nothing in there really. Yeah, it's like air and like fried sugar or something. I think it's like 20 calories too. Yeah. It's like nothing. or something. Yeah. I think it's like 20 calories too. Yeah. It's like nothing. I, uh. I think.

It's okay though. God damn dude. When we hung out Saturday, I ate the sushi and the wontons and my egg rolls. And then I ate those cookies and then Ashley brought home pizza. I think I ate like three or four of those edibles.

I forget how many I ate. But, yeah, it's fun as fuck to be a fucking big-ass pig. It's awesome. Like, it feels good as hell to do it. I had over two grams of sodium with lunch. That's probably good. That's not, dude, I have so much salt, man. I love salt.

I don't give a, I know it's bad for your heart. Salt is good for you. Salt is really good. Salt's not. That's not. Dude, I have so much salt, man. I love salt. I don't give. I know it's bad for your heart. Salt is good for you. Salt is really good for you. Yeah. The Pindejo Time Health Corner. Hey, listen. You're going to.

If your meal has anything less than 24 grams of sugar in it, then you're not eating right. You're going to want to make sure you get 15 grams of sodium. That's 15 grams. If you smoke weed or you do cocaine, think 15 of those baggies of salt. Eat that. And then you're going to want to have 24 of that same baggie

in sugar. And that should be in every meal and you need to eat that three times a day or else you'll get sick. What you looking at, at man i was looking up some articles about panda express here's this one the 11 best panda express menu items ranked by flavor written by a huge fat ass let's see alright number one it has orange chicken number two it has honey walnut shrimp

now here's my issue with honey walnut shrimp I ordered it one time and it was bad shrimp ooh yeah you can't fuck around and I you know

I don't have an aversion to shrimp it's just like I'm not gonna order that exact shrimp again you know what I mean't have an aversion to shrimp. It's just like I'm not going to order that exact shrimp again. You know what I mean? For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, for sure. Like I got, I got like the quick trip hot dogs I can't eat. Because I got, I got food poisoning from quick trip hot dogs twice in a two week period. And that, that was a huge wake up call for me. One thing you really can't fuck around with like going to a fast food place to eat seafood is just

there's something about it I know it's all fake like we used to go to Long John Silver's as a kid and that for me was like I love hush puppies. I like me some fried whatever the fuck. I don't even know what kind of fish they sell there. It's like cod.

Like just the cheapest shit in the world. Yeah. But yeah, seafood. Shrimp specifically. A bug, a shrimp is a bug, and you're eating a bug from the gas station, or from Panda Express. But I'm happy to hear that you're staying sugared up.

Yeah. Big sugar lunch. It's crazy to think like, yeah, I had lunch, and it was all meat and pasta and stuff, but I had enough sugar to where I could have just eaten a snow cone for lunch. Yeah, yeah, I had lunch and it was all meat and like pasta and stuff. But I had enough sugar to where I could have just eaten a snow cone for lunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could have drank two Dr. Peppers and been just as good, you know? Yeah. That's okay.

What time is it? How much longer do we got? 6.35. We both got time. I might get one, too. Because I'm extremely thirsty. I've been waiting it out because, you out because we're recording and I was super tired last night and I wanted this to be a good one.

But I've been so thirsty almost this whole time. I want an ice cold cup. Dude, me too. I feel like whenever you have fast food or something, sometimes water can't wash it down. No, you need that sweet bubble soda, baby. a fucking ice cold dude what i love i want to do

i i know that it's just like a placebo thing or like you know like whatever but the dr pepper tall boys get the fuck out of here they're the best so good they're they're way better than the bottle they're way to me they're better than the little cans I don't know why I don't know if they got more bubbles in there or what the fuck or more pepper but that shit is so god damn good and fuck I'm gonna get one after the gym it's so funny to do like

I love Coca-Cola out of the little cans too yeah Coca-Cola out of the little can is good obviously Mexican Coke goaded goaded Fountain can is good. Obviously, Mexican Coke, goaded. Goaded. Fountain Coke is good, too, especially from McDonald's. Well, McDonald's, I think they'd be putting that shit in there, dude, because some of their sodas, I'm like, this is –

the joke is about McDonald's Sprite. Like, that's the cliche, like, hack bed or whatever. But I argue any soda, even the Powerade, the shitty blue Powerade, Powerade from McDonald's hits, dude. It slaps and bumps. It fucks. It's fi. Hey, if you listen to this, that means that you bump and you're fi and you slap and you fuck.

And if you want to bump, slap, fuck, and fi. And you're goaded. And you're goaded with the sauce and you're a little bit quirked up with it and if you are if you are bumpy and slappy and fi and no cappy and you fuck and you're saucy with it then you're gonna want to go over to patreon.com slash uh padeo time and you're gonna want to give us a little fiver or a tenner or yeah a fiver five dollars a month that's nothing. That is like 20 cents a day. No, it's not. I don't know what it is. But $5 a month gets you an extra episode, premium episode every week, plus Discord access.

There's a lot of cool people in that Discord. They're all my friends. They're all fucking 300, 400 of them. If you sign up for the $10 tier You get all of that shit plus a video episode every month We got two in the chamber right now Thomas is going to drop one of them pretty soon Drop one most likely tonight

Hell yeah So stay up really late By tonight I mean 7 in the morning By tonight I mean It kind of depends on the upload speed and stuff. Because that part is out of my control. I can control within 24 hours when it drops. Sometimes, also, I export and it just goes, fuck you.

So, we have to, you know, it's okay. Suck that dick, Playboy. Yeah, those are the two tiers. We're probably going to try to make up some new tiers here pretty soon. But anyway, thanks for listening. Bye.