Pendejo Time - Jake's New Plan

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

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Objectively injecting. I've been, hold on. I want to play this for you, because I've been listening to this guy, Dub Ross. He makes anti-woke reggae. And personally, I think in times like this, it's very easy, kind of intuitive to mock things. But if anybody steps into that studio,

and I know you can relate to this, if anybody steps into that studio, it's like stepping into the ring. It doesn't matter if you have what it takes. What matters is that you had the courage to step up. You know what I mean? And so I want to play this for you. Hold on. Vaccines and abortions, microchip con, gender dysphoria supported by gov on your phone.

Obstacle reduction, paralleling desolation, objectively appearing to heckle children, objectively inducting monothymal gene arm, objectively lowering demography and harm, objectively boasting about their undying combination. demographic alarm. Objectivity poisoning about the wrong guy and on the day of death. Yeah, so I don't know if you caught any of that, but he's got incredible insights like objectively injecting

nanotechnology in ARM, objectively lowering or objectively raising demographic alarm, which when I hear that, I'm not trying to read too much into things, but when I hear that, I'm not trying to read too much into things. But when I hear that, I think, OK, first of all, he's really mad at the vaccines. Second of all, maybe he's a little worried that his race, he is white. I don't know if you got that from him singing,

but he is white. I didn't realize that at first, that his race, the white race, is being replaced, and then at the end, objectively pushing anti-family agenda, which I would imagine because he has a lot of children, that maybe he feels that traditional values are in danger. And so, yeah, I don't know, man. I just saw a lot of people making fun of him,

and I didn't like that. So shout out to Dub Ross. He, in 2020, he had what he called a spiritual awakening. And he went on to start writing. He was making folk music. And he said that folk music didn't speak to his spirit, and it didn't allow God to move through him. So he changed his name to Dub Ross and he started making anti-woke reggae anthems about feminism and about you know the

LGBTQ community and about immigration and stuff and about family values. Yeah. It is shocking to hear a reggae artist who is not completely in support of feminism. Right. I thought so. And is not promoting Mary, settling down with one woman. And the community really is in full support of vaccine. So it's weird to see a reggae artist who doesn't believe in vaccines. I know. I mean, imagine Bob Marley hearing that. I know. I know. Yeah. I mean, he very clearly. Fauci, you've gone too far.

Fauci, I'm coming to give you some big pains. Fauci, here, let's just, we can, we can, we can, it's fine. Vaccines and abortions, microchip come. Vaccines and abortions, microchip come. Right off the gate, he doesn't want to beat around the bush, you know what I mean? He wants he wants to let people know how he feels and I respect that. You know what I mean? Do we have any reggae songs?

We do. Do you want me to play you one? Do you want to see if maybe you can like get some of his energy? I won't do the voice, but I think we could maybe, what if we did woke reggae? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just to, just to even the playing field to be, you know, can, uh, again, dub Ross, dub Ross prepare for a friendly joust. I love that. And that's why I wanted to show it to you, because I just thought this may be where it goes. I really like this, Jake. Thank you for showing it to me.

You're welcome. Here you go, bud. Vote. Yeah. Welcome to the island of voting. Where tropical, where tropical vaccines float among the, the the, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, the coast.

And the, the, the, the, the pronouns are shining. Okay. Take the vaccine and it makes you strong. Take the vaccine. Me can't go a day without me vaccine. Without me vaccine I can't go I can't take it my vaccine and now all the gals would have their hair different colors these ones for you even the men eating the pussy correct all the gay community all the gay community men eating pussy men buying clothes for their wife men having men having a job other than fishing.

Men raising their children. Yes. Men with small dicks. Yeah. Men who listen to their wife. Only one. Only one. Men who do not know how to dance. Men who have sex with one woman only. Men who cannot prepare an one woman only. What? Men who cannot prepare an amazing cow foot stew.

Men who can't cut the tail off an animal and braise it for several hours. Mm. Dog tail sandwich. That feels like I shouldn't have said that. But hey, you know what I mean? It's only forever. It's only forever. Well, it's what they do, so that's all right.

Yeah, that's fine. Who gives a shit? That's what happens. That's what happens when you only, when you don't give people normal food to eat, unfortunately. Historically speaking. Yeah. You know. We did them dirty. Jake's ancestors did horrible things to people, and thankfully mine did not, because I have not looked into it. So that is unfortunate. That'll be how history remembers me. Innocent.

Is just an innocent New York podcaster. Just an innocent East Coast man. I never knew nothing about nothing going on down South. I'm a Union man. I'm up here in New York now. What's a... Is a carpet bagger when they go from north to south, or is it the opposite?

You had it right the first time. North to south? I'm a carpet, I'm a bad carpeter. Right. Yeah, or something. Or something. Fucking, just fuck me. Who gives a shit anymore? I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a tile bagger.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's real good, Thomas. And we'll have some awards for that one. Self-hating southern man, what moved from Texas all the way to New York City. Y'all sit down, I done cooked some horrible cornbread. I apologize. My wife, she makes the worst colored greens.

I'm ashamed. I fried up some beans and I have some soggy wet green slop. Only for you. Ma, give him some of that horrible macaroni and cheese. Give him some of that stinky green salad, please Do fuck the goddamn? That nasty ass marshmallow carrot shit, I don't fuck with that. I don't be yeah like yams

Yeah, I never had it with the marshmallows growing up. Oh, yeah That shit's really fucking nasty man. It tastes like gooey If it's if you're eating the from a can It's not gonna be awesome the the yams from a can and then yeah the marshmallow cream and the the All that business. I don't like that cream and all that business. I don't like that.

But I do like sweet potatoes with some brown sugar, maybe a little molasses or what have you. And you, oh, a little butter and. And. Stop, dude. Nothing. What, dude? I'm talking.

I'm talking Cut it out man, it's nasty stuff. What's your favorite Thanksgiving dish? Oh Probably a probably latte an oat milk latte with the side of Estrogen Estrogen the egg bites probably egg bites from Starbucks. Yeah estrogen the egg bites probably egg bites from Starbucks yeah family will save up and get a bunch of egg bites from Starbucks the day before Thanksgiving and we'll get like 40 of those dragon fruit drinks and we'll pour it into a big igloo and we'll just dip our Stanleys in there throughout the day.

You guys like that type of stuff? Yeah, yeah, we do. Oh, OK. It's weird being up here and seeing aging hipsters. People who were in their 20s in Williamsburg, during the height of all that. Yeah, like the mid 2000s. Yeah, because I feel like a lot of them are, I feel like a lot of them either moved away or are,

if they're still here, they seem to be largely doing pretty well. Yeah. Or maybe some of them assimilated. And this isn't a critique. I just, I mean, everybody goes somewhere. You know what I mean? It's interesting. Like seeing guys with, clearly, the buy it for life boots that they got around that era. They're still wearing them. And they've got the, maybe the Spectacles. There's always a dead giveaway.

Yes. Yes. Not everybody is still fully into that, but it's like you just have the clothes you have. Most people don't buy clothes that often anymore. I know that the ones that were in Austin, every boss that I've had at a media company when I've worked in advertising has been an early 40s Austin lifer or hipster.

And I know it's doing New York's different, but like they've got the like dead tree tattoo and yeah, the spectacles and like the beanie and it's flipped up and like the Solvayers, yeah, the docks and like salt and pepper a little bit. And they're just like, yeah, no, I've been here forever. Can you give me that spreadsheet? I think they came of age at a time

when there were still job opportunities, like right before the crash. And they probably just cruised and working in media forever. You know what I mean? Like a lot of the ones that I'm talking about here are monied. Or they work in food service, and they've been working in food service since the Bush administration. And they're still cool in that way.

They're like, yeah, I'm fucking yeah. You know what I mean? But yeah, easy to spot. And they're very much like, I don't know. I don't know if it's like, it's not a pretentious. I never really understood the pretentious hipster thing. I always thought that was kind of like Annie. I don't know.

Some of it was crazy. But like Annie intellectual, where it's like, oh, this is just music or movies that's not for superheroes or whatever, or Kid Rock. And it's like liking that stuff made you gay, or made you condescending to other people Mm-hmm, and then whatever the fuck the mustache thing was I don't like that didn't not the mustache I don't care if guys have weird fucked up you see me say mustaches, but the finger tattoo mustache thing really pissed me off

And I know a couple people who have one I used to work for a lady that has one on her ring finger And she would you know still do the thing sometimes. And I was like, oh, man, I'm not even a bad guy. And I got thoughts now. I just kind of want to throw you in jail. I've got stuff, things I'm thinking about doing to the building now that I didn't really want to do before.

And now I want to. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's weird seeing like reference, like jokey references to hipsters in old movies. Because I mean, not even old movies, but like 2012 movies or so, you know? Like around when like 21 Jump Street and all that stuff,

whenever that was all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would have like a hipster character in a movie sometimes. And it was just a guy who liked sriracha or something. Yeah. Yeah. Like sriracha and IPAs and food trucks and stuff. I also know that the word hipster

has been around for a long time. And it was used to describe like people in the 90s You know what I mean? Like Whatever whatever we got growing up. I think what we saw on the TV and stuff was like the third iteration of that Like it, you know, it was like I think the bohemian thing died in the 70s and 80s and then you know the 90s here Let's see what we got here It's looked up hipster 90s style. Mm.

Oh, kind of like grungy. I got you. Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. A little fucking weird. A little fucking out there. This isn't, I mean, this is, you know, who gives a shit? Hipster coffee mug.

How come girls don't like hipsters anymore? I don't know, man. Maybe they just want like a- Girls aren't willing to give hipsters a chance anymore. I know. I completely agree with you. I've been thinking that a lot lately, that there's just nothing.

Like, girls just want like an entrepreneur. They don't want an artiste. You know what I mean? They don't want somebody. Yeah. Somebody who can actually show them taste. Yeah. Show them movies like.

I feel weird even displaying taste anymore. What do you mean? Like showing off my, showing how I taste. Like, my taste. Show What do you mean? Like showing off my taste. Showing how you taste? I feel weird showing off my taste. Yeah, well, like any time I'm showing my taste in public and I see people judging my taste, and they're like, oh, I know exactly that guy's taste.

It feels weird now because it's because I feel like my taste is almost old in a way. But I feel really young. I feel like a kid. Like a kid's taste that I would have. Yeah, no, I get that, man. I understand. When you're a kid, you have a taste.

Yeah. And your taste changes as you get older. Yes. Yeah, kind of like a. I just like the way you dress and everything, like the music you listen to and everything. But I just feel like I have a younger taste. You have a taste for the younger stuff. I look old, but I have a young taste. You have a taste for younger stuff.

I look old, but I have a young taste. Yeah, OK. Right. What I was thinking is, I'm a grown man, but I have the taste of a kid. Like I have a taste for the taste of a kid would have, but not... Yeah. You know what I mean?

No, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I wish people saw a kid when they looked at me. Me too. I mean I do, you know what I mean, but I've known you a long time so I can make that distinction. You know, like when I think about... I just see an old man with a young boy's like taste. Mm-hmm, yeah. You see, yeah. A man with the taste of a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like, like, people ask me, like, what I'm into. I just, I don't like to say specific things. I just like to say, like, you know,

like I was saying this to a friend the other day. I was like, you know, like, the children's taste? Like, have you ever heard of that phrase? And my friend would be like, no, I never heard of it. I'd be like, well, the children's taste is when you grow to be a man, but you have a boy's taste? Have you ever heard of that phrase? And my friend would be like, no, I never heard of it. I'd be like, well, the children's taste is when you grow to be a man, but you have a boy's taste. And you have to live in that world, and it's difficult for men to do,

because you have the body of a man and the motivations of a man, but you have the taste of a boy. Well, yeah, and I don't think men are really allowed to taste like men, to have a taste like a man. I don't think a man's allowed to have a taste like a man anymore. And so sometimes to have a taste like a man, you have to go back because maybe you never got a chance

to have a taste like a boy. Right, to have a taste like a man. So you have to actually develop the taste. And it would have the same taste as a boy. And then you develop on that. Think like a man, taste like a boy. Very simple. Right.

And I think people don't understand that, because everybody wants to grow up. Everybody wants to be a grown up, and it's sad. Yeah, you see kids walking around, and they have an adult taste. Like the way they dress and everything, the music they listen to. Yeah, of course.

It's like, stop trying to be a grown up. Yeah. I was hanging out the other day. Advocates enjoy having a kid's taste, well, that's. So when I was in college, I used to go speak in my high school. And I was like probably the most successful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like the most successful person

from my high school. I was doing open mics and stuff, and I was really grinding and experiencing a lot of success at that time in my life. And so I would go and give speeches to all the people in theater and art and stuff. And I would say, rule number one, right now you have the taste of a child. But soon you're going to have a man's taste.

And if you want to keep your taste, your childish taste, you have to think like a child in order to develop the taste of a man. And I would just get crazy standing applause from that alone. It's hard. Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth, but I don't want kids to lose their taste.

You know what I mean? That's how people become. I'm fine with them losing their taste as long as they know what it is and they're able to experience that. OK. I understand. So they're able to experience that. OK. I understand. So you're more of like a? Every fruit loses its taste after a while.

It starts to taste like dirt or squishy. Like if a banana gets old, it'll be sweeter, squishier, and black. Brown. Agree to agree. The younger younger the taste the sweeter the banana Well, yeah, I mean that is something that's something you said I remember you saying that I don't actually remember saying that but That was that that was the name of your I do I remember my friend Jake Rhodes saying that The younger I'm saying I was saying that I actually hadn't I remember him saying that. I actually hadn't said anything before he said that.

He said that he started off a conversation like that, which I thought was really interesting, really forward. He said, I remember my friend Jacob Rhodes came to me. He said, I can remember, he said, the sweeter the taste of blacker the banana. Yeah, sure. I think that's better than what I said, actually, but that's fine.

People say I actually have a good memory, which I like. But yeah, I think it's crazy we were having initially like a serious conversation, semi-serious. But yeah, I think an adult taste can be nice once you develop it. But I see a lot of young guys walking around like they got an old guy's taste. They got the loafers, the fedor, or whatever.

It's like, just taste like a young man while you still can. Or have the taste of. Yeah. I've been thinking about this marketing campaign. I don't want people to take that the wrong way. That's OK, man. I don't think people will. I don't think people will take any of this the wrong way.

No. I was thinking a movement, like a hashtag, keep that taste. And then you get Like all the all the kids to post like what they're into You know what I mean? And with pictures what the stuff they like and just keep that taste You know what I mean? Don't let that taste go Like don't ever feel like you have to grow up for anybody hashtag keep what do you think about that? I think it could be good, as long as we

had a lot of kids using it. Yeah, that's the whole point. That's the audience's. We just have to make sure they were. And we'd have to enforce that in some way. Agreed, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There would have to be consequences for not using the hashtag.

I agree, but I'm glad you're brave enough to say it. I was too cowardly. And I think they could maybe physical. Legal, perhaps. You know what I mean? I think we could start with physical, mental, spiritual, and then go to legal from there. OK.

OK. Like we could wait. You wake up and your taste is changed, and you don't know why. And it's because of a chemical that we're working on right now. It's called Taste Away. What do you think of that so far?

["Taste Away"] Oh, taste away, taste away, take that taste away. Fade away, dreams they fade away. I woke up with a different taste Tasted like an old man Put on my fedora And I made an old plan I got it to my rocket chair And thought about when I had a propeller hat And now I got Alzheimer's And I don't know how I be spelling that. Yeah.

Oh taste, taste away, taste away, taste away. The chemical is in your brain. We will enforce it. You gotta use the hashtag from the department of having fun with me and Jake. Keep that taste. Keep that taste. Taste away. Taste away.

Thomas Tray. Taste away. Please don't take my taste away. Taste away. I don't know. Don't take my taste away, baby. You can take my Xbox. But don't take my taste away.

Taste away. Sweet like a pasteuré. Drinking like it's Tancoré. And the pill is orange like Gatorade. That's a simple curse, or a Gatorade could be every color. If you don't post the hashtag, you gotta take the pill. When I was a kid, I had blue Gatorade, orange Gatorade, yellow Gatorade, green Gatorade, white Gatorade, every color Gatorade.

Now only flavor I can get is yellow because old people can only buy that. I wish I could still go and buy that blue Gatorade red Gatorade any type of Gatorade except for the yellow one it tastes like yellow that was actually the character I was doing I do like yellow Gatorade and that is a song that we were thinking about making a part of the campaign for taste away yeah but we're gonna call it the man team mm-hmm yeah I like yeah of course man it's a campaign man team man's pain yeah I hear all these motherfuckers talk about campaigns but nobody wants to talk about man's pain yeah but nobody wants to eat these fried plantains.

That's right. They're kind of nasty. I don't really be fucking with them very much. I like plantains. I do not. That's something I like. For a while, what I was doing was I would get, there was a Spanish spot, and I would get a bunch,

I would get roasted chicken in a big tub of rice and beans and then I would get a big tub, it would be like a pint of the fried plantain, the sweet plantains. Yeah. You had the sweet ones? Yeah I've had them before but I don't, like I said. I don't really like the non-sweet plantain, I don't like ripe plantain. I do like ripe plantain, I don't, like I said, I'm something. I don't really like the non-sweet plant. I don't like ripe plantain. I do like ripe plantain. I don't like it when it's not ripe. I don't like when they make it like potatoes. That's stupid.

Make that shit sugary, sweet, delicious. I'm trying to have a little dessert. Yeah. With the cinnamon. I used to, when I was a kid, I used to put a bunch of Tony Sacheris on tomatoes and just eat them like hand fruits. We didn't have a lot of groceries in the house a lot

when I was a kid. And so we had a lot of tomatoes. No, my mom just never went to the grocery store. She was just so fucking poor. Her fucking life sucked. Fucking idiot. And that was a pretty good snack, but it was like, I'm just putting seasoning on a tomato. Particularly very good. Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Squeeze It and Smash It and Despise It,

I see you already have it out. What do you plan to do with it? Squeeze It, I presume? That's for a script I'm working on called Mr. Squeeze It and Despise It. Oh, I like that. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah. So the, mm-hmm. Please go ahead. No, it's about Mr. Squeeze it and despise it And just kind of his adventures throughout a seedy underbelly like a crime-ridden city It's kind of like Sin City, but the guy doesn't like stop crime or like save anybody He mostly just squeezes it and despises it. You know what I mean? Yeah, he has like a lot of hatred for it You know what I mean?

And people you know I think people will resonate a lot with that because you can squeeze on it You can pull on it, and you can smash on it But you got to make sure that you hate it more than anything else yeah If they made since city now they probably have to call it sensitivity I think we can all agree on that one. Yeah, no, for sure. If they had it, if they call it, it would be called them city and it would be a bunch of non-binary people.

And they would, their crime would be not paying their student loans back on time. Just something I'm working on. OK. I feel like sensitivity because you can't spell sensitivity without sin city. Right, right, right. Right, 100%.

I agree with you. Or that Drake song. Ever sensitivity to two. You know? Bop, bop, bop. You and me just. It would be hotline bling today because it had to be woke. Ever sensitivity.

Bop, bop. You and me don't send text that's green. You used to, me by my co-worker, Drake. You used to tag me on that Slack thread. Late night when you ping my work laptop, tag me on that slack thread. Late night when you ping my work laptop. I know when that laptop ding.

It's time for our quarter is now wrapping. I know when they're lapped up, ding. It's time for prices to rising. Prices of the stock go to the roof. Amazing business and causing work now. Sending emails to your email. Checking up on slack because I'm working there. Ever since I talked to my boss, he

said that I could maybe get a raise. 5% that's pretty good those days. I send emails to all my friends. When I show my PowerPoint, it's good. I do not use chat GPT. I get all my information from marketing. I listen to podcasts for advertising. Anyway.

You used to email me on working. Boom, boom, boom. Meetings when it's time to work. Checking on your texting. Boom, boom, boom. Work phone, you just got a call. It's Ryan from accounting. Boom, boom, boom, boom. For the weekend, check one thing. Dong, dong, dong, dong.

For the weekend, check one thing. Dong, dong, dong, dong. It's Ryan from accounting. Dong, dong, dong, dong. He wants to give you kissing. Dong, dong. Uh-oh. Ever since I'm dating you, ever since I, ever since you.

Had to text HR now. I had to text my HR manager because Ryan gave me some kissing. I am the HR manager. My job is to enforce rules, creating a safe workplace, punishing those who do bad. Did you call Ryan fat? You should never do that.

Please don't call Ryan fat. Doong, doong, doong, doong. He's kissing you, and that is bad. Ever since the kissing fact, I moved to accounting. He's become a menace. Before this job, I think he was a dentist Has a great career change ryan Not even a lateral move

Probably should have stayed a dentist. Tong, tong, tong, tong. So Ryan and you met up this weekend. And I've got two sides to the story. So he says that you called him fat and that you're saying that he kissed you a lot and you didn't want him to kiss you. Is that correct?

That would be correct. OK, so you do admit to calling Ryan fat. Yes. And Ryan did. I called him a fat ass. Do you? Well, you could see how that would hurt Ryan, right? Like why that would make Ryan upset.

He's fat though. He is. It was not a lie. I understand that Ryan is what we would call right medically large. OK. But Ryan not where it counts. Large? OK.

But Ryan. Not where it counts. Well, I'll have you know that that has to be added to the record now, because you imply that Ryan. It doesn't. That Ryan has a small. I'm taking it off.

You can't do that. Remove it. Ryan, she's removed it from the record. I have removed it. Ryan, she removed calling you fat and saying your penis is small from the record. And all that we have now is you kissing her. The appropriate lines have been redacted.

It would appear that Ryan kissed me. And I felt uncomfortable. Your punishment. Oh, it looks like that was redacted. Your punishment is to be deducted from your payroll ten kiss coins. Me? Yes. I've been punished? Mm-hmm. For getting kissed? Mm-hmm. You lose ten kiss coins and five lick coins. But I use lick coins to buy my butterfingers.

I understand. At the vending machine. But maybe think about this next time. And I trade those butterfingers for bluff. I don't trade them. Think about this next time when a nice sweet fat boy comes to give you a kiss and you rebuke him. Ryan he just called you fat. That's okay. Mr. HR called you fat. Ryan is an accounting I'm HR and I am fat and that's okay. Ryan is allowed to

be fat and kiss whoever he wants. He can kiss whoever he wants? Mm-hmm he can on the weekends he can go to your house and he can kiss you and take all your kiss coins. No, he can't. If I kiss him back, do I get his kiss coins? Yes. I'm going to suck his fat cock then, and get all his cock coins, and then trade them for kiss coins, which I can use at the vending machine

for Butterfingers. Right. Now you understand. If Ryan, after work on Friday comes here. Now I'm going to fuck you to get the fuck coins out of you. To use them for steaks and beers and champagnes. I'll have you know that as HR, I'm limited to three fuck coins per quarter.

So you can fuck me for my fuck coins, but you probably won't get much in return for it. And it'll mostly just be wasted effort on your part that you could spin kissing Ryan who's fat and you can get his kiss. It's the most fuck coins. It cannot fuck the most probably president Hamburger president hamburger. I don't even see him. I know he comes once a year. I know I understand He will be next week. You know is he working on. Is he working on business? He's working on business.

He's working on email and he's working on finance. I love that. President Hamburger has 100 fuck coins per hour. Higher ups in the corporate world, honestly, kind of deserve a round of applause. They do. They do. And I will pass on your wishes to Mr. President Hamburg.

And pass on my pussy to him too. Absolutely. Although if he fucks me, he gets my fuck coins, right? Not necessarily. Does it have to be a right and black cowgirl situation? Yes, correct. If you dominate him. I got bad knees.

They said I got the same type of stuff in my knees that they use for jelly. I Got pectin in there. I Understand but if you want to get his fuck coins you have to ride him reverse cowgirl and normal cowgirl All weekend. I guess he'll be getting this strawberry jelly then. I don't know. I don't know really what I mean by that. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. I Do I feel that was gross to say and I felt like it was gross like he was gonna fuck my knees I Bet you can but I feel like the only reason people don't is cuz there's other stuff that makes more sense to do with No need to elaborate there, you know, yeah, I will probably just bang him with my cooter. That's perfectly fine, Sandra.

Not my knees. That would be gross. President Hamburger. People see my knees. They don't really see my cooter. I guess they see my mouth, too. I guess they see my mouth and my hands and feet. I'm imagining those like Love is Blind shows.

They cut to one of the girls, and she's just mid-senates. And she's like, I guess I show my mouth a lot. My cooter, too. I guess I don't show that too much, but I do show my knees. And I'm just hoping one of these strapping young men want to get some of the strawberry jelly out of my jelly hole. Yeah, I got a lot of pectin down there.

They said I got to get a shop vac. Putting my knees to get all the pectin out. Sandra is in accounting. She lives in Des Moines, Iowa. And she's here on Love is Blind, Netflix's first Midwest season to find love. Sandra, what do you think separates you from the other girls in the house? I got knees like the top of a day old turkey, I'll tell you

that. I got some real problems with my joints. I got some real issues with my health going on and I've been having trouble breathing, getting around lately and even just looking at that pool makes me nervous. I'm afraid I might drown and die in there. And the sun hurts my skin real bad. Sometimes my skin comes off like potato chips, like the baked ones from the cafeterias that are a little bit soft.

Like those chips that were made of sawdust. I feel like my skin's made out of that. I feel like if I could start looking at these boys too much, I'm worried. I'm worried I probably won't be around much longer. Well, we've got the first suitor of the evening, Mitchell. He works in private equity. And he is from Cincinnati.

Mitchell, when you look at Sandra, what do you see? I see a hot mama with a lot of jelly to give. Sandra, if you would allow me to take you on date one inside the City Bar nightlife area, then maybe I could see what you hide in your jelly hole. What? Sandra, if you would allow me to take you on date one into City Bar nightlife area, I would love to see what you hide in your jelly hole. Is this, I don't watch many of these shows.

Can I only take one guy on a date for date one? You can reject me and ask for a new man. OK, well what I'm asking is, if I go on a date with you, does that mean I reject all the other guys? You can cheat on me in the show. It's encouraged. It makes for good television. OK, well, I'll hang out with you.

I mean, you seem nice. OK. I'm just, I don't know what private equity is, but I'm sure, you know, my ex-husband worked for the city, so it's not a big deal. I would love to see what you got going on in your private and whether I can get next to eat. You're a real charmer.

I have actually have the first stage three benign mole in recorded history. And they say it's the first regular mole that will kill a woman without ever being cancer. And I'll give you a peek at that. I think it just hurts so bad because it's hanging so low from the base. The base of what? Of itself.

I'm not going to lie, Sandra, that is, that's a lot to take in, but you know. It'll be a lot to take in your mouth. Yeah, because that's the first thing going in there. My father used to say never suck on a stage three benign mole, but hey, I'm a Cincinnati boy and I love to slurp on something brown that doesn't look good. Yeah, it looks like Joan Rivers. Very awesome. Sandra and Mitchell went on their first date to City Bar Area Nightlife 1, where they had one beverage, one piece of ham, and two pieces of lettuce.

Mitchell, how was the date? Sandra has got a wonderful personality, and she let me see her mole. To which I said, that looks terrible, and it has a stink. But I like it. Wow, Mitchell, a real gentleman. And Sandra, how did you take to Mitchell's forwardness and to all of his hair, which is on his head, and some of it

even on his legs. I was okay with it. I think Mitchell's a real nice boy. I'd like to keep my my options open. Of course. I think Mitchell's nice but he works in private equality. And there's just some stuff about that that I'm not quite 100% sold on. And also he doesn't know, I don't think he fully knows how to treat a lady like me, but we'll see. Uh oh, it's that time of the show.

Now we're bringing in the hunks. Take a look at hunk number one. His name is Arian. Fuck you, Arian. Take a look at hunk number two. His name is Leonard. He's got 500 million coins and one boat, and he's got a huge, huge butt.

Yay. Take a look at hunk number three. His name is Lionel. He plays piano, and he takes care of his sick mother, who has seven tumors. What a creep. Hunk number four. His name is Hitler Where have I heard that name before?

Hunk number 5. His name is Tony Hawk. He's a professional skateboarder and he's won the X Games 7 times and he has his own video game franchise. Next. Hunk number six. Dog. Dog is a dog. Love it. Next. Honk number seven. Lucifer.

Lucifer is infinity years old and he rules over all the kingdoms of hell. He has a lot of money and he's 17,000 feet tall and he speaks every language. He seems cool. I can't believe you guys brought all 45 of these gentlemen out here for me to say hunk. Number eight. His name's Jake. He hosts a podcast called Pendeo time with his friend Thomas. He makes less than $70,000 a year and doesn't have a vehicle that works. Bring me back to Leonard. Hunk. Number three, Leonard. More about Leonard.

Hunk number two, Leonard. More about Leonard. Leonard was number three. Hunk number three, Leonard. Leonard has schizo affect disorder and lives in a trailer park right outside Texas City, Texas. In his spare time he likes to pick cats up by the tail

and throw them into the salt marsh. Ain't that right, Leonard? Leonard loves animals, but loves them a little too much. Don't let them around your pookie. He might just put them in a soup. Right, Leonard? Leonard really hates women, so be careful, but past his tough exterior is an even tougher exterior. Leonard's wanted in 17 states for serial murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Right, Leonard? Correct. Wanna know more about Leonard?

No. He seems evil. Hunker number 10. Gourlius the Destroyer. Gourlius the Destroyer. Gourlius the Destroyer is a humanoid creature who lives in the dirt. Hey Gourlius. He's hot. Is that a seven pack? My hubby had one of those before he got killed by the zookeeper

Thank you for watching love is Sandra hope you find love Sandra Thank you Man I've been fucking You know what I'm getting sick and tired of dude, but I've had enough of What Israel had enough of? What? Israel.

Had enough of it. Just had about enough, you know what I mean? Just can't stand. I'm still undecided, but I see what you mean. I've had enough of it. I don't know what we're going to have to do. I got to hear both sides, you know what I mean? I think I've seen just about everything I need to see.

And I'm just about, we got to do, we got to vote. We got to vote these guys out. Right, right. We got to vote to stop the fucking, because I'm about sick of it. I'm just about tired of it. I throw my hat in the goddamn dirt every morning and I say, no more of this.

And it keeps happening. You know what I mean? As an American, I feel like I should be able to say all sorts of crazy stuff that I want on behalf of being scared. But what if, I'm just spitballing here. What if we moved it? What if we moved it somewhere else? They can have it, but what if we moved it? What if we moved it somewhere else?

They can have it, but what if we moved it to just past the Arctic Circle or Death Valley or something, or middle of the Sahara? There's a desert in China that's just fucking dunes after dunes after dunes after dunes. Nothing. There's no river. There's no drinking water for like 800 miles in any direction.

It's like driving from fucking El Paso to the Panhandle, and it's just dunes. What if we put it there? Something I've been thinking about. Because everybody seems to be running out of solutions. I don't want to hear anything about two-state or nothing. I propose it's called hashtag move Israel to the desert and they can have it but we put it somewhere. Michigan, that'd be fun. Hmm not a bad idea

just put it right in the middle of Detroit like eight mile. No I mean Michigan's big. There's room in Michigan. There's always room in Michigan for Israel. OK. It kind of sounds nice. Yeah, it's a little wordy. Michigan. Come to Michigan. See Israel.

OK, better, the shorter. We're trimming the fat. Michigan. Israel, Michigan. Israel, Michigan, United States. Michigan. What if we made it the capital of Michigan? Israel, Michigan, United States. Michigan. What if we made it the capital of Michigan? Israel, Michigan, Impossible 3, Mission Israel.

What if, just hear me out, what if we did awesome stuff to the people that lived there? And the people that run the, what if we did cool fucking bad ass stuff to their minds and bodies for like 20 years? And we moved them to Michigan. So first order of business for Michigan, Israel, you can see Israel here.

By the way, love that. Is we move Israel to Michigan. And then step two is the test. That's what I've been calling it. The test lasts 200 years. And if you pass it, then you can leave Michigan, Israel. But if you fail, then, well, you fail. You know what I mean?

But there's like labyrinths. There's a lot of spinning metal. There's a lot of wild dogs. There's a lot of men of ill repute. You know what I mean? There's a lot of fire, a lot of lakes of caustic liquids. And we turn Israel, we put it in Michigan, and we turn it to kind of like a gauntlet.

You know what I mean? Something to, you ever watch that show MXC? OK, we increase, we ever watched Wipeout? We turn Israel into one big game of Wipeout, OK? But the stakes are going gonna be high, brother. High stakes. We're talking about as high as you can put them. And we, and if you want to go to the, you know, you want to go to mission on vacation,

there's a whole part of mission you can go, you can go to the pretty part. If you enter Israel, Michigan, you're a part of the gauntlet. And, you know, we've got crazy obstacle courses, and we've got fucking like guys you got to escape from you know I mean these guys don't let them get you. He don't let him fucking get you be super bad If they got you if they got you is gonna be really really bad And then we do that for 200 years and then at the end of it they can you know do whatever the fuck they want Just something I've been mulling over. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, I could have some legs.

I don't know. Yeah, I've got legs. The good thing is we do have a lot of geopolitical influence. So I think that'll help out. You think anybody listens to this in Tel Aviv? I don't know. Are there strip clubs in Tel Aviv? We've already looked into this one.

Oh, have we? Yeah, we do. OK. Are there strip clubs in China? And there are, I believe, in Tel Aviv. China has banned the strip club. Maybe I'm back on team USA. Yeah. Are there evil men in South Dakota?

I think they're very evil men. Most of the state. It seems like it's a place where evil Typical of every place is that there's a very evil man who owns it Usually Also, Greg Abbott has to go to Israel Michigan about sick of his ass to All fucking well, I say we give him another chance. I think he's about to turn a corner. I I say we give him another chance. I think he's about to turn a corner.

I don't think so, man. I think you have too much faith in people, too much love in your heart. You've got to turn that motherfucker black as ice. I mean, I haven't talked to him in a while, but I think he's going to come around. My wife waits on his wife, like, once a week. In the bath for the bathroom

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's real nasty like long kind of like fucked up gassy shits and stinks up the whole restaurant and At the end of it they say oh Yucky, and they make her leave But you know story that it goes That's just the way it is. Boodlin, boodlin, boodlin. Things will never be the same.

That's just the way it is. Boodlin, boodlin. Did you ever do anything as a kid that made people think that you were like disabled in some way? I was so bad at basketball that I finally scored a goal at the last game of our little dribbler season. Ooh, that's a set. And everybody clapped. I got a standing ovation. You were in a basketball league called Little Dribbler.

I scored two points and got a standing ovation. In Little Dribbler's. I scored two points and got a standing ovation. In Little Dribbler's. Yeah. Man, that... That's tough. That's how bad a basketball I was. I got a standing ovation. And then they said my name in the lockout.

They said, Thomas. And I went, oh man. They think I have a mental disability. They thought you were stupid. Yeah. Yeah, they thought you were no good. I stuttered real bad, and I couldn't look anybody in the eye.

Oh, yeah. And I, yeah. But hey, who cares? Who cares? I used to chew on my shirts a lot. And a lot of my yearbook pictures until like the third grade, my shirt was always wet because I would chew on it.

And I would spit into the shirt. And I would suck on the collar of the shirt. And I would ball the end of the shirt up. We had to wear these outfits. We had dress code in elementary school. So it was either red, blue, or white. You know those IZOD? Real rough material.

Short sleeves. Yeah, it was the IZOD. Yeah, yeah, it was those. And I would ball the end of the shirt up like a little ball, and I would suck on it, and I'd chew on it. I'd get a real slobbery. I'm not just saying this to be funny at all. I was talking to Ashley about it last night,

and she was like, were you a bad kid? And I told her that, and she was like, nobody said anything or nobody asked you what was going on. And I was like, no. They just told me to stop because I kept fucking up all the pictures because you could zoom in on my little fat body and my shirt would be wet. And it would be bunch to stop because I kept fucking up all the pictures Because you could zoom in on my little fat body and my shirt would be wet Like and it would be like bunched up because I'd been sucking on it and chewing on it and stuff like that

It was like a nervous thing. I had you know to me Yeah, that's really weird. It's fucking awful. Yeah, that's okay They didn't care. Oh, I had a I have these nerves in my chin that cross. And whenever I have a lot of adrenaline going or whatever, it'll twitch. And it used to twitch a lot when I was a kid, my chin. People always thought I was about to cry. Were you a big crier?

No, but my chin was always twitching. So people would see me and they'd be like, oh, is he OK? Yeah. I cried a lot as a boy. I was a big whaler. I mean, I cried as much as a child does. I don't know if I do, if it was more or less than everybody. Yeah.

Probably typical kid amount. Yeah. Did your dad ever tell you not to? I don't know. Yeah, that's a weird question. But it's OK. I was just thinking out loud. I was thinking about, like, just like weird shit.

Like, sometimes if I had to poop, I didn't want to. I would go hide behind the couch. like, just like weird shit. Sometimes if I had to poop, I didn't want to. I would go hide behind the couch. And my mom would have to come tell me to stop hiding. She'd be like, why are you hiding? And I'd be like, I have to poop, but I don't want to go poo poo. And she would be like, and I would hold my poop in, and I would hide in a little ball behind the couch

because I didn't want to go shit. And yeah. And she's like, why don't you want to poop? And I was like, I get scared. I did believe that the bathroom had a monster in it. And the monster didn't get you while you were peeing, but he got you when you go poop. And so a big thing in the Rhodes house as a young boy

was the poop monster. And when I would go visit my dad on the weekends, I would do the same thing. And he'd be like, you gotta go shit, go do it. And I would be like, the poop monster's in there. And he'd be like, what the fuck is a poop monster? And I would be like, well, there's a monster in there. And it doesn't get you when you pee.

It gets you when you go poop. And he'd be like, fuck him. You gotta shit. And so one time, to make me not scared my dad went in the bathroom and just like yelled a bunch like I'm gonna fucking get a poop monster fuck you my son's got a shit and it made me it made me feel better and so afterwards I could poop normal nice cuz I thought my dad killed the poop monster. Yeah, he probably didn't. I don't think he did.

Probably didn't get him. But imagine this. You're kidding. You're like, don't worry. I'm going to fix this. And you go and you pretend to blow the poop monster. Take care of this boy. Don't worry.

I bribed him. You just go in there and you start making horrific pained screams. I have poop monsters. Oh, no! The poop monsters got me now! He's putting all the poop in my ass. He's fucking me, son.

He's fucking me with a piece of poop. The poop monster's fucking me, boy. Oh, my god. Son, we can't go pooping in this house no more. My dad lived in his, they had condemned his mom's place. He moved in there. And when I went to go help him move out, he didn't have any, he was like, didn't have any running water or anything,

or stuff like that. He just kind of was in there, you know. He was in there learning fucking secrets, man, esoteric knowledge. And I went outside. I had pulled a bunch of rugs out. And we were pulling shit out of the garage. And out there in the yard was a bunch of poop, like big poop.

And I was like, when did you get a dog? And he was like, I ain't no dog, man, that's me. And I was like, why? And he was like, I ain't got no running water. You got to go somewhere. And I was like, she's just shitting in the backyard. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, for?

You could just walk to the gas station. He's like, when you got to go, you got to go. And so when the city finally condemned the house, there was just a bunch of poop in the back, just human poop back there. And he thought that was real funny. He was like, imagine them boys go back there to dig up power lines, see if they're good.

And there's just a whole bunch of poop back there, just a bunch of turds that got to step over. And I was like, it doesn't seem nice. You know what I mean? It doesn't seem normal or anything like that. And he was like, yeah, fuck them. But hey, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's a weird story.

But I mean, no, it's a good one. It is. People are going to remember that one for sure. Yeah, maybe I'll take it out. No, no, don't take it out. Leave it. Leave the dad poop story in there? Leave the dad poop story.

Leave the dad poop story in there. Yeah, I mean, it sounds sad, but it wasn't really sad. No, I think people will be like, damn, that's cool as fuck. My dad was just like shitting in the backyard. Yeah. I mean, he's not like he was eating. It's not like he was eating it or anything. No, no.

He wasn't doing anything weird with it. He just didn't have any running water in the house. So he would just go out and shit in the yard. If you saw him eating it with a knife and a fork, I would cut that. But no, he just went doo-doo. No, I never saw him do anything weird with poop. I did find his, I talked about it here,

I did find his fake penis. But that was for passing piss tests at the court. Wasn't doing anything gay with it. I think. You know, I don't- And if he was, more power to him. Yeah, who cares? Rest in peace. If you guys are listening to this, poop in your toilet, don't poop outside. Head on over to patreon.com slash pendeo time and toss us a little bit of fucking cheese. One dollar a month get you access to the Discord Five dollars a month gets you access to an entire backlog of bonus episodes plus a bonus episode every week

Plus discord access ten bucks a month gets you access to all that shit plus video episodes. I've been uploading with more regularity We've got several video episodes out And I actually just put up another one With my buddy Patrick Eadie and Jamal Rahal, two very, very funny comedians from Houston, Texas. If you live in Houston and you've got nothing to do on a Friday night, head on over to The Secret Group.

They host The Dirty Show every Friday night. It's kind of like a party slash comedy show. I've done that show a bunch. Patrick and Jamal are very funny guys, good people. If you are in Austin, Texas, May 10th, mark your calendars. Me and Thomas are going to be at the Velvita Room with a bunch of funny comedians, Luke Tuma, McKenna Jarrell, JT Kelly, Mr. JT, as many of you are a fan of Mr. JT,

and a bunch of other funny comedians, plus me and Thomas. Come on down and see that shit. Tickets are going to be up here shortly. I have to fix the poster, because a comedian had to drop. Also, April 18 at the Green Room, Texas. I'll be at the Green Room doing stand up for tokes and jokes. It's a weed- weed themed comedy show. Don't smoke weed.

It's going to be fun for me. All right, I think that'll about do it. Yeah, that's all for me. Thank you. Bye.