Pendejo Time - Jenny used to wear a hijab

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

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on some I live in some food Yeah, yeah What's the rest of the Johnny used to work on a day I don't know

Is that John Bond Chicken used to cook on a stick Chicken used to cook on It's called a Kabob You have it For lunch

And you know It's made of Chicken She used to wear her job Jenny used to wear A job The crusades.

It ruined her country. Her country. You know, we've got to hold on to the Quran. Get into heaven if we read it a lot. P-B-B-B-B-B. I think that's what they say. That's how it's spelled. P-B-U-H.

You spelled P-B-B-B-B. What? I can't eat pork, but sometimes I still do. I was sparring with a guy last night who was like, he's a Muslim guy, he's like, I can feel every cigarette I ever smoked. And I was like, yeah, I can feel every beer I ever drank. And he was like, I don't do that. I kind of like, yeah, you shouldn't do that.

And I was like, oh, I mean, I don't, you know, I'm not like a professional guy. Yeah, it's just a hobby for me. He's like, yeah, you really shouldn't drink alcohol, man. you know it's it's demonic I was like oh okay

I mean I guess you can't because you know you're not allowed to whatever but I think I'm probably I guess it is

demonic I get but I'm probably would be better up if you're Muslim honestly yeah I think I probably make a pretty good

I can't grow facial hair so my shit would look fucked up they don't have you don't have to grow facial hair no but I'm if I was like an Islam like if I was an extremist

like a like a like a We'll harvest or something, you know. I guess I didn't think about that possibility, but I love the places that you're... Yeah, if I'm going, I'm going all in. You can take... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Like, there's that Jewish, the Jewish cult that, like, has sex with kids, and they're, like, the most...

They consider themselves the, like, the little... Oh. I forget what they're called. Jewish cult that has sexist. I'm just kidding. Democratic Party. Yeah. No.

Um. Lev to whore. Pure Heart is an ultra-Orthodox group founded by Shlomo Helbrins. Yep. Often described as a cult due to his extreme practices, including accusations of child abuse, forced marriages,

and harsh insular lifestyles. They're anti-Zionists. Well, you know what? Sometimes a broken clock. You know what I mean? They do marry 13-year-old girls, but they do not support the state of Israel. So who's to say?

You know what I mean? Hello? Did you lose me? Yeah, I think, I think, I think so one of us is having a wife by issues, but it's all good. I said, uh, they do marry and I thought, yeah, we do that too. No, they marry 13 year old girls, but they, they don't support Israel, so who's to say? You know what I mean? Well, that sounds like Arkansas to me.

We're not out here supporting Arkansas. I could go there and they got waterfalls and shit, so. Yeah. That's a terrible place, me. talking shit about Arkansas. Actually, it's one of my, it's one of the states I've been to that I liked. Really?

Yeah, I like the food there. The people were nice. Yeah, I'll stop talking shit on Arkansas. A lot of it's nicer than Texas, I would say, landscape-wise. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to just refer to Texas as a landscape, but I would say, you know,

maybe 10% of Texas is really cool looking. 10 to 20. I'd say I appreciate 20 to 30% of Texas landscape and the rest I tolerate. The whole region I'm from, I actually, last time I visited it kind of clicked for me where I was like, you know, I get upset with people building houses on this land

that I grew up on. But now that I visit it, I realized this was already destroyed land. It was just destroyed for agriculture. and then left to be nothing. And so now it's just shit. And I guess you can just build McMansions on it now because there's just so much of skinny deer

running around on it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no buffalo. There's a couple of squirrels or, you know, this and that. There's like one mountain lion. You know. He's very sick. He's not doing good.

He's not. They have a large territory, but I would bet, you know, whatever mountain lion lives around where my parents are, He's probably not doing the best lifewise. Like he's probably not really like a high status mountain lion. No, no, no. Yeah, he's definitely struggling.

Probably like a, I guess a 60-pound mountain lion. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of them in the hill country, but they're like, and they're pretty dangerous because they're super used to people. So there hasn't been like a lot of recorded attacks, but there's been a lot of recorded, like, close calls. Yeah.

guys love like strangling the baby ones and stuff um guys love to fight a baby um mountain lion to the death and then win and then take a picture of it and be like yep send this to the news I remember there was a kid who lived in my neighborhood

who got on the news a pit bull a pit bull like a like a street dog like attacked his mom and he put the he was like a jujitsu kid or whatever he put the pit bull to rear naked choke and choked it to death just like just like he like he got on like ABC News Houston or something

and he was like yeah the dog bit my mom's arm and I saw her bleeding so I went behind the dog and I you know I got my hooks in and I put it in a rear naked choke and I choked a dog to death and then it was like and then you know it cuts to the lady with the news voice young Zachary Cromwell of Pasadena, Texas, chokes a dog to death after it shoes its mother's arm near completely off. The father was away at work, so young Zachary had to step in to save the day, and it cuts to him,

and he's clearly not wanting to be interviewed. I didn't know the kid, but he, like, lived in the neighborhood. He doesn't want to be interviewed because he just watched his mom's, like, half of her arm get ripped off, and then he just killed a dog. And then, you know, the way the news works is they're showing up, like, the dog's still twitching. they have questions for you. Like local news is really bad about that, you know.

I can't imagine his mindset of like, well, his mom's going to have to have arm replacement surgery. And then he just choked a fucking street dog. Unorthodox, but it works. This 11-year-old boy just raped a dog to save his mom.

Yeah, it was been over by my mom and I just started sucking his coxas, trying to distract it, and ended up finishing in my mouth and pounding me out. It pounded him After it came It fucked me somewhere What a horny ass dog

Yeah it ripped a hole through my jeans To this red rocket You know that You know that sound on Instagram That's like My collar is blue But my neck is red Yeah

Yeah I've been singing My collar's blue But my dick is red I'm a normal dog And my master keeps me fed making myself laugh earlier because Hank has a blue collar and sometimes his penis comes out. But that's okay. It's what happens if you're a dog.

We get mad at him. I get mad at him. I say, Get that out of here. And I don't know why he, I think he just gets, like, excited or something. I go, put it away. He has no idea what I'm talking about. And that makes me feel bad because I can't imagine being an animal and your penis is out.

Imagine something got yelling at it. Imagine someone got yelling at you. Get that thing out of here. Yeah. Put that nasty thing away. One thing that works with, they'll teach you a dog training is, and I don't do this.

I don't have a dog, and I wouldn't do this even if I had one, but they teach you to spit on its dick from across the room. Okay. And then whenever the spit lands on there, it feels bad. The sheets?

Yeah, it goes away. Yeah. Like if they're trying to flick the couch or something, you just spit from across the room on their dick while they're trying to do that. makes it wet and they don't like that. I was at the dog park today, and there's this guy. My collars blew, my dick is wet.

I've been fucking on a dog just to keep my family fed. My pillows blew, my dick is wet. Rubbing only throw pillows till my sperm's been shed. Yeah, there you go. All right, that's fine. That's not too bad. That's good. My gun is blue.

My family's dead. Got a big green gun that's pointed out my head. My bullets blue. My gun is red. I got a Spider-Man gun and it's made my family dead. Oh, fuck. My gun is white and my dick is red. My collar's white and my dick is pink.

I got a black guy hat And constipation Med Black guy hat Hmm I remember one time Uh My John is Drew

And my David's Fred That's it It was a names guy Oh okay Got you Okay Yeah that's fine

Can you turn up your volume knob Just like a nut hair Oh yeah Turn that issue Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah Tell me up

Tommy out Tommy Tommy Hey everybody Hey what's a Hey how you up Hey how you That's a

That's a guy I'm working on called The screaming man He comes over to your house He's like a friend of a friend You don't really like him But your friend is They go back You're like hey man

How's work when he's like Pretty good Pretty good Ah Pretty good ah Pretty good You know my wife She's thinking about taking the

Ah kids but you know outside of that's pretty good got a new job I'm working for the city I clean all the shit dog shit off the streets yeah that's pretty much it

not really a guy worth talking to or anything like that but you know there's a guy nonetheless you got a pipe yes it's cherry wood petted for ages it's quite framulous

I I bought a in college. And I, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Actually, I am ashamed. That's not true. I had a, somebody bought me a pipe

when they were New York. And it was like a gift thing, like a white elephant. It was like a re-gift, I forget. But I tried smoking out of it for a little bit. And I would tell people, yeah, I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes. and I think I've told you this before.

I really have my friends to thank, thank T-H-A-N-K for really kind of keeping me within a certain, like you know how you can bowl and they have the gutter rails or whatever, the kitty rails? I really appreciate my, anytime I tried to do something that was maybe a little bit too much, you don't want to go down that road, they would they would

mock me pretty mercilessly for it so I had the pipe for maybe a few months and yeah my buddies would be like you smoke in a pipe I'd be like yeah yeah you know it's like it's got better of flavor and you know I'm not smoking a lot of time when they're like

you're a fucking detective or something or what are you searching for guys butts you're looking for the penis that's just crass yeah well I mean I appreciate them for I don't you don't want to be a pipe you have to be really cool and not in like a pretentious way to make a pipe work you got to be old i think i don't know i see any dude under really like 45 smoking a pipe and i'm like

you're probably i think if i talk to you i'd probably think about killing you the whole time you know what i mean um i knew a guy who had the long cigarette filter like the actresses back in the day. Oh, I thought about getting one of those in college. I almost got one of those. Yeah, he had it in college, and he really thought it made him look cool. And something I've realized is, is it, if you think to yourself, if I buy this thing, it's going to make me look cooler as a man.

You've already made the most tragic mistake, which is that it's nothing that you buy yourself is going to make you look cooler. You got to come across cool stuff Like a jacket Like you find it Or somebody leaves it at your apartment Um Boots

You know you can buy a nice pair of boots Sometimes that'll cure your depression For a couple weeks Maybe boots might be the only thing I don't know But anyway A nice belt Oh a nice belt

Yeah I did buy the belt I got a belt with the belt buckle That did change my life for a little while I got a cool belt but I got a size too big and I can't wear it. Why don't you just poke a hole in it with a knife? It's like a specific kind of belt to get skinnier at the end to where you lace it through. Oh, I see.

It's like a Western style. It's like kind of a skinny belt. It's not like a cool belt buckle necessarily, but it's got like little medallion type things all around it. Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen it actually. Yeah. Yeah, that's...

No, I've never... I've literally never worn it. Maybe I'm thinking. Except for once at a wedding. Let me see if I've got it here. My collar's blue and my dick is gone. Had it removed so I can be my authentic self. My dad is green and my mom is red.

Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's cool. It's pretty sick. Ah, I see. Yeah, yeah. You can probably get a little Dremel tool and drill a little hole in there.

Yeah. Yeah, the belt's like six feet long or something that's too long. Too long, yeah, I feel you. The belt's too damn long. The belt is too damn long. My belt is blue, my pants are red. My name is Spider-Man. I'm Bob the builder.

I give the tools head. Sucking on a hammering, sucking on a hammering, sucking on a nail. Get fired from every job I'm going straight to hell They had Bobby Builder And then they had Handy Manny Which kind of Didn't feel I mean there are other types of guys that work construction

You know Yep I feel like Handy Manny was What else would Randall gets it handled Yeah but he's white I'm thinking what would the other guy's names be if they were Randall, I was thinking an older black gentleman.

Oh, Jamal, Jamal does drywall? Well, it doesn't have to be named, he doesn't have to be named Jamal. He can have a regular name. Randall is a classic older black gentleman name. Leonard. Leonard? Yeah, Leonard. Leonard, I feel like almost Caribbean.

Oh, yeah. Like, Caribbean guy. Leroy, of course. Leroy, yeah. Leroy. Leroy Learoy Um

Does not destroy He builds Yeah Or Lee or he does destroy He's on a demo team Oh demo team That's good Yeah yeah

Yeah Um I have Uh Uh Let's see Bichram Does

Bichram is it Indian Yeah Okay Bikram does bricks Um Bikram does bricks Bricks all right

who gives a fuck wow why didn't I think of that one Bigram does bricks Louis Francesco does the well

does the fresco I'm sorry of you portraying all these construction workers as being Mexican so I have the Spaniard

contractor here that I'm getting here. I was thinking of Italian. Spanish people are white. Portuguese are white. It's kind of crazy that they like ran the world for so long and now they're basically, their countries are just like where a bunch of like girls go to like do Molly and have sex with guys that fucking sell stolen mopeds. It's kind of what Rome was. Right.

I mean, yeah, I mean, Italy's kind of that way too. All of Europe is basically a playground for... Men don't even go to Europe. I feel like men go to Thailand and Bali. Guillermo, he's there. He goes to the house and is built. Yep. That's not bad.

He wears those tools. Okay. That's perfectly fine. That's perfectly fine. Enrique fixes your sink. is just Manny's friend Enrique Mani's friend Yeah

How about it's handy Mani's blowy toby He sucks your cock Hey kids I know while Mani Well Manny works on your sink Nobody wants nobody wants to listen to my pitch for Blowie Toby

Nickelodeon execs So we've been really trying to tap into that you know, building, you know, we had a lot of great shows with Handy Mani, Bob the Builder, you know, the kind of the Dora thing where the kids involved. So if anybody's got any ideas about, you know, there's the character, the titular character's job should be attached to his name. And it should be something that he does with his hands, you know. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you in the back. I've got one. It's Suki-Suki. and it's an Asian bitch Oh I'm sorry This is for a One second

No I think you might be on to something Yeah well the kids all know about porno No because they're all the Okay yeah Suki Suki Suki and she does what Mostly blow jobs and hand jobs For extra money To feed her family

She works at a nail salon during the day But at night she kind of has to make it You know she's got to be trafficked. Wait, no, no, no. Hold on. And the show, she shows her traffickers and it's her trying to escape.

She could do so much more. She's in a really tough spot. Okay. I think that's a pretty good idea. I think we're going to table that one. Anybody else? Yeah. Suckie Chucky.

Okay. And it's just a guy from South Boston, who's also down on his luck, and he's got a really bad fint problem. And so he comes over to your house during the day to make sure all your outlets are up to code, but then before he leaves, he kind of desperately looks at you and asks if you've been feeling lonely or anything like that. You know, he's like a Southie guy. Oh, I like that.

So, you know, I got the walls done, but I just, you know, I haven't seen the ball and chain. around so I figured out, you know, just ask if, uh, you know, maybe if you wanted to have sex with me for money. I'm sorry, man. I got an on Nathaniel coming over later for that. No, that fucking cocksucker. No, he doesn't even, he, okay, he's not even union. He's not even a union homosexual.

No, he, uh, does day rates. And, uh, does 200 but Paul. 300 for the dick John Bernthal If you're gonna get The balls definitely get the dick too I paid for one ball suck the other day It just hurt

Get the dick if you're only gonna get one thing Just get the dick John Berndthall and Billberg Because I paid 400 for him to suck both of my balls Dick was untouched Well you know I'll suck it 300 for a blow job I can come without him sucking my balls

I can do pretty much anything Without having my balls sucked I'll do 150 I can produce a kid with no ball touching at all It's not what I asked To tape them up and put them on my mouth for all I care Don't even matter Not even even

150 that's not too bad But is that 150 all in Is there an appraisal fee? Is there any permits Do I have to go through the union for the permits and all that? No this is on the side Don't tell the uniform line location all that Two lines

The arrows that point to my mouth It says a cock in the here. You got your dig permits, you dig permits digging my ass? Yeah, you got to dig permit to meet with the committee, talk about

them fucking my mouth. You just meet with the USPA, United States penis, asshole, fuckers, whatever. Who cares? I'm in the USPAF. Yeah, the penis asshole fuckers, fucking shit.

Yeah, I've got Randall the raper coming over, so it's things are, Yeah, probably going to come over right, me and my family. I don't know what time he's coming over either. I don't know. I hope nobody's over. He doesn't really give a time anymore, you know.

I really should have booked him for some time other than Thanksgiving. I just told him some time at the end of November, you know. It's like a Christmas gram. So we're going to pass, so we went back to standards and practices, and we went back to the head of Nickelodeon. We're going to pass on Sucky Suki-Suki. We're going to pass on Sucky Chucky. I'm really, really, really, really sorry we're going to pass on Blowie Toby.

But Randall the Raper, I don't know why, but S&P said it's transgressive, it's new. Randall the Raper was not a standalone. He was tied in with all these other shows without Blowy Toby and all these other shows

that makes no sense. We need there to be a cinematic universe. Okay, so you're... These eight shows are taking it or leave it all one package deal. I'm trying to take over all the Nickelodeon. I need every time slot You got Blowie Toby

I'm a new Dan Sniper Yeah we got a we got you know World Famous showrunner Dan Sniper We've got Josh Neck And we've got Drake Ball And we're gonna make a new show for you called Randall I'm making a show about Chris Kyle If he was gay and a kid

It's called little Chrissy Oh no I'm here in a little I'm here in Iraq or Where? Fulusha. Fulush. I thought it's It always sounded

like a church hymn to me. Fulicia? Oh, Fulusha. Hi, mighty. It sounded like a girl's name to me. It could be any color of girl, too, I guess. Yep, Felusia. Fulusha.

Won't you catch... Won't you go fish my bedpan, Fulusha? I need to make me some... Y'all don't know how to make... Mack and cheese here, Felicia. Y'all be putting Zatai in there. Now, when you guys come over,

my granny's going to be pretty ornery. Her name's Felicia. She's from a different time. She's going to try to force... Yeah, I'm 150. I'm 1950 years old. That's why I'm wearing a big red jacket tablecloth. I was one of the first Christians.

I was one of the first people wear clothes. I was persecuted in Rome for being a Christian. Yep. I was sacrificing. I was killed. They crucified me upside down. They humidified me. Right.

Huge crucifies. They put me in an air fryer. Dude, being in a brazen bull must have fucking sucked, dude. I got, yeah, I got, I got, Pontius Pilates put me in an air fry for 40 minutes. Pontius Pilates That piece of shit Pontiac Pilates

Hey Oh Jesus I'm gonna let you slide this time Hey Hey look So I ain't even gonna hold you Like You're like a doomsayer

You know Talking about all this shit's over And your dad's Not a goddamn thing You say matters To Pontiac Pilates Okay I'm trying to kill you

What the fuck you think I'm trying to kill you for? They are cute Like training day I'm real surgical with this shit Jesus It's a fucking big ass spear Oh fuck You know how many other

motherfuck's got this job A pylate A job I wasn't even supposed to be a major character I made good money being a pylate Pants is a pylate That's one of the jobs We can have in the Bible Jesus

Pilate. You got the pilate, you got the guys with the whips and the guys with the nails. And you got the widows and lepers. I and the Philistines, me, I am a pilot. Hey, Jesus, you're going to know what this is. Well, you probably already know what it is. I'm not one of the apostles. I'm one of the pilots.

I'm the only one. I'm the only pilate. Yep. First class. I don't want my pie early. I want my pie late. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It ain't pine to me. It's Pontius. Yeah, yeah. It's like talking to him as they beat him with a cat in high tails. Hey, listen. Y'all. Sometimes I feel like I make a mistake, historically speaking.

I wasn't even supposed to be a major character history. I ain't going to hold you. I was like a mayor. This feels like a mistake. What y'all put on his head? Anybody else, Loki, feel like a bad guy right now? Anybody feel like they are damning their soul to a place they don't even know exists? Yo, Mary Macadamia, you feel what I'm saying?

Yo, I'm looking at this motherfucker right now. He's bleeding. He's bleeding. Yeah, the one on the cross. Yeah. Tell me why he looked familiar. Like in history or some shit. I swear to God, I seen his motherfucker in history one time.

Yeah, I see ya. Fuck. You know that motherfucker Joe Seifis be saying that he, we fucked up like after like because I think I think Josephus started writing like

20 30 years later it's like Josephus yeah the Jewish historian I don't know who the fuck that is he wrote about Jesus he put a new LS in my

in my fucking Caprice my G body who's the next Caprice and then the prophet Caprice took him to the town of Broem

the prophet dodge challenger s rt eight yeah officer fleetwood officer crown victoria oh yeah Jesus why the hell you look so familiar I knew we fucked up when we when we hanged up the only beautiful white man

in our town everybody's got short hair and they brown and they can't read it the only six four Sephardic man in this town The only jacked and leaned six-four Sephardic Jew ever. That day when we hung up, Felix Baderman in the town square, I knew we fucked up. That day that we crucified Adam Friedland. No, I think he's Ashkenazi, yeah?

I thought, who gives a buck? No, Felix isn't Sephardic like their... Sephardic is like Mizrahi. That's like... Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I believe the term Sephardic is kind of a misnomer because it's like... It translates to like Spanish or whatever, but it's a...

Oh, yeah. But it's like the... Jews from the Iberian... Like Eden's... Mizrahi, she's Sephardic. Oh, okay. Like Middle Eastern Jews, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay, I got you. Yeah, as opposed to, like, you know, Eastern Europe and all that. Yeah, those Ashkenazis. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Dude, check this out. It's kind of cool, but... Traditionally, Sephardic Jews spoke Ladino.

A blend of old Spanish and Hebrew. No, I'm saying, like, the term Sephardt. I think, I mean, I think there were, at one point, Jews in Spain, but, like, the terms Sephardic is, used, I think, very broadly in a way that doesn't... It doesn't necessarily mean from the Mediterranean and North Africa that all... Yeah. Anyway. But I'm not even Jewish, so what am I saying?

Who knows? But, um... Yeah. Oh, so these... Take them down to the town of El Camino. Take... Take him down to the motherfucking Mizrahi Jews. Which ones are these?

Oriental Jews. Oriental Jews. That's not real. Uh... No Chinese Jews allowed No chance No shot Did imagine seeing a Han Chinese guy

In their dreams Yeah So they wish they could merge Mizrahis include Kurdish Jews Mountain Jews What the fuck Yeah like in Iraq and stuff Oh yeah this is from the caucuses

In Azerbaijan Uh Affirmature groups are believed to drive their ancestry and large part for the Babylonian captivity. This shit isn't even funny. What about Texas? What about Texas Jews? They all where the fuck?

I believe it would be a mix. Texas Jews. Dude, it's like that Texas has nothing to do of being Jewish. Probably one of the least Jewish places in the world. Yeah, it says as of 1990, there are only around 108,000 adherence to Judaism in Texas. There's probably 108,000 Jews just in one house in Williamsburg. That's not nice.

Probably shouldn't say stuff like that. No. Probably in a block, but... Yeah. Okay. Should we low-key convert? Well, here's my thing. I was actually about to ask you something.

So, like, all the heavy-ass clothes they wear, I guess when they decided, like, oh, the way they dressed in Hungary, like 1920, yeah, that shit. That's it. You could not wear that shit in Texas. I've never seen a hot in Texas. It's only the New York ones who do that, though.

I've seen him in the airport, but maybe they're flying in New York? I don't know. But, like... It's only like the American ones, is what I'm saying. Oh. Oh, okay. Like, even in Israel, they're not, like... Yeah, they don't dress.

They don't rock that shit. Yeah. They look like surfers out there. Yeah. They have, like, rat tails and shit. I mean, I've met his city people who weren't American, and they were pretty normal. Yeah. It's just, like, they're just, like, very religious.

But, like, you meet people. like that with Christianity all the time. And they're, you know, not the exact same as you or me, but I mean, might throw down on the grill or whatever, you know, it's not a big deal. But the,

a lot of the, I don't know, I've had some interactions with, the, the city guys in the robes don't, don't like it when Jewish women are not wearing that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. That's, I would say that's, My main beef is like spitting at women. I don't like it really when anybody does that. Yeah, yeah. Unless it's on the internet five years ago. And in that case, it's usually like a growth period for most guys. For most guys on house arrest, it's like a growth period.

Yeah, being rude to Jewish women when you are 19 is actually okay. If it's online. I'm going to, I have something when I see a Hasidic guy. I just think that I can This is I don't want to But I don't think they can fight You know what I mean? Like you see him and you go there's no way

There's no way that you guys can fight I think you are almost 100% correct I think there's like five of them I think they've got like five of them They can really fight I think you can usually tell When somebody Has a small chance of being

Yeah Yeah like I think the average working class guy has got a few good swings in him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I assume. I assume most guys

can fight for about 30 seconds. Yeah, any iron worker or any kind of, you know... And if they catch you in that brief period, hey, you might be out. Yeah. And after that, you know, probably not much of a threat. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm including myself in that category. Yeah. You know, I got a good 30 seconds in me before I get heart palpitations, most likely. Haven't sparred in a long time. But I remember from when I did spar a lot that if I took a week off from sparring, I'll be very out of shape. And I have not sparred in almost 10 years now. So I imagine I am functionally completely useless. I sparred last night for the first time in a while, and I have a huge mark here on my head.

And I have a huge one here. And both of those are from males' shins. Yeah, it does suck when you don't. fighting a while and you think yeah it's been so long it might as well be that i never did it at all because yeah yeah when you well do it a lot to uh to maintain it the confidence of of me is where i'm like i've it's probably like gonna be like a little bit hard but i'm probably gonna beat up everybody in the gym and and then not gas out i'm so stupid i'd be like yeah i haven't i haven't trained in like a month but i'm gonna show up on thursday sparring and i'm probably

gonna probably gonna knock out a couple guys probably gonna head kick you know a couple guys I probably catch a guy in a triangle choke. And then all that happens is guys' age 18 through 50, fuck me in my butt for an hour. And then I, like, get in the car on the way home, and I'm like, yeah, I was just a bad day. You know, I'll get him next time. I get them next time that I don't exercise

and I mostly just, you know, eat fucking chicken fingers. I haven't been drinking beer, which is kind of nice. Um There's kind of like a I'm in the two week period of not drinking Where you're like dude This is actually kind of cool And then the next two weeks I know how this goes

Because I've tried to quit drinking Probably 5.2 million times Um This The two weeks getting into that month You're like I probably could do Like Genghis Khan stuff It could probably be a tyrant

I could be a despot of some kind Yeah I think I could probably be like like a child king that's like send him to the boats you know what I mean I want the show to get so successful it's just like something that I want I don't even you couldn't do it as a sketch

but I wanted to apply for a job and I want to make it to the interview stage like in person and I want to hand him my resume and then you know it has like all of my real jobs like you know like Facebook you know like advertising

whatever. And then there's an eight-year period where it just says tyrant, 2016 to 2024. And the description is oversaw executions and the knighting of nobles and sirs. Oversaw serfs, insured grain production for my fields, and had first nights right with eight farmer's wives and killed 17 children as a part of a crucial. crusade against heresy. The kids were dancing, and I had their legs and arms chopped off, and I chopped their heads off.

And then just to see what the guy would say, you know, he gets down the list, and he's like, oh, Facebook's a great company, what we were doing there? And I was like, oh, you know, I was on the legal team. And they're like, oh, great, wow, wow, legal team, man. And it says here you worked for a media company as a creative director for four years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, I'm sorry. This says despot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, is it like a name of a company, like Despit Media? No, no, no, no, I was a tyrannical warlord for about eight years. I went out to West Texas and I kind of got a couple guys. Mostly pillaging, but some other stuff too. Went out to West Texas. I got some oil hands. Basically, we pillaged and raped and plundered for about seven or eight years.

I was a warlord. Yeah, most of my, I knew guys who raped, but I mostly did pillaging. That was mostly my thing. That's just what I was good at. That's kind of what I stuck to. Yeah, the guy that's trying to like, yeah, you know, some guys plundered, you know, some guys raped. I was mostly like a pillager, you know, I know what I'm good at. You know what I mean?

I'm not. Yeah. This is Nuremberg, but it's like 1,200. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I was in the crow's nest and my job was to, I would. raise the black flag when we would meet other chips and the problem was whenever everybody would go and pillage and rape the ladder was so damn scary for me i would just stay up there in that crow's yes yeah yeah and i'd have people you know i'd have people tie a little loops and send me up

uh you know pieces of salt water taffy and stuff like that pork yeah dried pork yeah You know, and mead and stuff like that. But really, I was just so damn carried away looking at all the sights and sounds of the ocean. I guess I forgot to do any crimes. And, you know, as for what happened down on land, I don't know, I was a sea guy. I never got off the boat, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly looked at my phone and I was on the phone a lot the whole time basically.

I was looking at it. I had a Vigstagram. I was the only guy with a phone back then. Yeah, it was so hard to find service on the ocean like that, especially since it was medieval times or maybe even before. Who knows? Yeah. And I would look at the Shield app and I would look at the Crow app.

To get my runes. Yeah, the Crow app would be a crow on there. All right. see, you know, when it would flap its wings and all that, and that's how I get my omens. Big omen guy. Yeah, the Crow app kind of got me through some hard times, you know,

when I was the despot, you know. I had a buddy who was a druid. He didn't end up so good, you know. I reached up to the developer. Croh! And that was his actual name. And he, the only other app he'd worked on was the Raven

app, which is, I think, a little bit bigger than the Crow app. Takes a more space on your phone. I didn't think so. Yeah, I think the Raven app could be bigger. You know, or maybe smaller? I think you're correct, but you know what's definitely smaller is the Grackle app. That one I do know. The Grackle app is very small.

It fits right on the phone. You don't have to delete it. Which is made out of a stone tablet with a screen on it. piece of emerald glass phones were much heavier back then yeah my phone weighed like 48 pounds we used to call the phones

nests as a joke because I would instead of the crow's nest because I was on the crow app up there yeah so we would call it the phone's nest uh huh yeah and I would just send out a text

to everybody whenever there was uh enemies there I would I had a big group on a what's up called sailors oh nice that's cool yeah yeah yeah would you call it a boats app that probably would be more

oh man that would have been good yeah well hindsight's 20 20 yeah yeah we used to not have hindsight because it was so far back then that there wasn't anything before oh man then we would just say hindsight's nothing to worry about yet

I this is a question For the history, fans of the show. So, like, the Vikings got here, like, way before anybody else. They were, like, up in, like, I guess, northern parts of Canada. And, like, super, super northeast U.S. They got here super, super, super early. Like, crazy early. I think I want to say, like, 1,100 or 1,200.

Now, from my understanding of history, they got here, and immediately the Native Americans fucked them in the ass. They tried to be like, yo, and every Native American tribe that lived up there basically said, get back on your boat,

and they killed and chopped a lot of them and ate some of them and fucked everybody. And so the Norwegian got, well, the Vikings, whatever, whatever you want to call them, they were like, no,

I think we're good. So they fucked off back to Norway. Or Scandinavia, whatever the fuck it was called back then. But then Christopher Columbus's fucking stupid ass shows up like 300 years later and he's the motherfucker or 200 years later. He's the guy. America Vespucci, I think, was before that, hence the name of the Americas. So I'm like, why didn't he? I mean, I guess literally the place is named after him.

So when did he come here? I'm married, go get pussy. Yeah. Hey, sorry, man. I'm married. Go get pussy. Talking to your friend who's gay. He wants to fuck you.

I'm married. Go get pussy. From a guy. 1497. Oh, so he did come in 1501. Yeah. He was the position of Poloto Mayor, Master Navigator.

That's pretty cool. So all these Italian cocksuckers and these Spanish cocksuckers, they get all the fucking credite. But was it Leif Erikson? Yep, Leif Erickson and Eric the Red was his father. Yeah.

Was a Norse explorer, the first European has set foot on Continental America, approximately half a millennium before Christopher Columbus. Fuck, when did he come over here? Cocksucker was born in 972? Those were a good old years. I remember summer 972.

I was sitting back and driving around a big rock with a lady in it. Uh-huh. We were sipping on a primordial form of Budweiser at the time. Yeah, it was called Norseweiser.

Yep. Yep. back then dude imagine somebody telling you that vampires are real and you'd fucking have nothing at all there's nothing you can do about anything you don't know if anything's real you don't know shit

Wizards are real Oh fuck You don't got a glock or nothing Yeah by the way if you see a bat And it flies in your house It's probably a guy Oh fuck Oh shit

Yeah if you see a guy in robes He's probably gonna turn you into a piece of of salt. Whenever the moon is weird, that means something. Oh, shit. What does it mean? Oh, that depends. Oh, fuck.

I don't know. Yeah, that must. Yeah. Yeah, if you hear a howling outside, it's probably, that could be a wolf, which is also pretty scary, or it could be a guy that's also a wolf. Just keep a ability.

Also, by the way, wolves? Yeah, we have nothing for that. Yeah. Not a goddamn. One of the main animals. Yep. don't have anything. There's way more of them than us.

Look, by the way, even 2,000 years from now, we're kind of still not going to have a solid answer for them. Oh, by the way, light? Yeah, watch up for that. Yeah, if it comes from the sky, it's pretty much curtains. Light can be bad. Same with darkness. There's stuff in darkness, too.

Bear, don't even fuck around. Not a lot of stuff. Dude, man, that's... Oh, Bear, we don't know what that is yet. We just hear it and see it sometimes. We don't know what the fuck that is. If that's an animal or a God. You travel back in time.

That's straight up might be your ancestor, raping you. You're getting the rundown from a local. Your time machine breaks down. Hey, so, yeah, so the sun go away. Don't be out when that go away. Don't fuck around in that way. Don't go. If you hear like an awu, we don't know what that is,

but every time we hear awu, usually one of us just turns into red. he turns red and he stops moving. Not quite sure what that's about. If you hear a bro, don't know what that is yet. I haven't quite got that nailed down. We think it might be God, maybe. But every time we hear, oh,

usually a few of our guys come back pretty red. Not sure what the red is. Not 100% sure. Some of them come back with a white hanging out. Not 100% lost on what that is. So if you have any, I know you're stepping off some kind of silver disc. If you got any idea what the red is.

Oh, it's jelly. Okay, very good. Okay. Yeah, also, we figured out sex, but if you have it, your wife is going to be really in pain for a few months, then we'll probably die. Yeah, usually they die when they, when you do that,

and then you have to find another one to do that. Yeah, yeah, you're going to... About half the time they die and the other half, they are never the same. Yeah, yeah. So also they're going to, they're going to be pretty young. I want you to know that. I don't, what are you?

What are you? What are you? Like, 30, 33, 34? Okay, very, very great. Very cool. So the way that this works is you need to get yourself like three or four sheep. And then you need to give it to another guy. And then he'll just give you his daughter.

She's going to be of a certain age. That's all that I'll say about that. she's just going to be she's going to be alive you know what I mean and she will speak but probably not very much after you guys get married

just it's kind of fucking crazy how like this is a crim brule something I've invented recently I know I might seem a little bit early but I'm eating these

and this is Instagram live you're showing him stuff this is called Pornhub Shorties So it's 30 second clips of pornography that you can kind of scroll through for hours if you want. It's people having sex. No, they don't produce children. Well, sometimes, but really not.

Is it a real thing? You don't know what that is? I haven't been on there. Bro. Okay, so I thought this was a meme. Like, I thought this was fake, like a fake Photoshop. So I went to see, you can't look at it in Texas. So when I was, we were on the road, and I saw a screenshot of it.

And I was like, this is like, they used to have this fake app called Rumbler where you could like meet up and fight people. And it was like a fake thing, but it kind of became viral. People thought it was. I thought this, that's what this was. No, it's called Pornhub Shorties. And you can scroll 30 second or 20 to 30 second snippets of porno like you would TikTok. Like, so I, I'm at the, where were we? I think, no, it was when I was on the road with Ben.

We were in Washington. I had seen the meme and I was like, I'm not in Texas. I can, I can, because in Texas for all of you guys who are not from the U.S. or not in Texas, you can't access Pornhub in Texas anymore. So I open up my phone, I go to Pornhub, and then I'm like clicking around, and then I see it. It's like right in the middle. It says shorties, and it's got like a little S that's like a snake, and you click it. And sure enough, I, intellectual curiosity, I didn't jack off.

This was purely like an educational thing. Yeah, it felt very evil, man. It felt very, very, very scary. Because you just, you scroll, and it's like, and then you scrolled and it's like, and then you scrolled it's like, and then you scroll and it's like, uh, and then you scroll and it's like,

and you're like, who does this? Who the fuck does this? This cannot be something that people are actually enjoying doing. Like this is something that there's like, they're testing, the user base can't be there.

I guess it's kind of like gooning, really. Yeah, it's gooing. That's what I thought. It's like gooning in an automatic instead of manual, like instead of having like 15 taps pulled up.

Yes, that's, I went on Reddit and I was reading like, I wanted to, I was actually legitimately curious, I was, did people use this shit? So I read it, shorties or whatever. And I found, like, a couple of, like, not safe for work or whatever. But then I was reading it.

It's like, all of the reviews said exactly some version of what you said, which was that, oh, this is great. It's a great addition to my goon, like my goon rig. Like, I set my phone up on auto scroll, and then I put it, I attach it to the desktop, and it's a great, another, it's a great addition, because you can hit auto scroll. And every 30 seconds, it'll scroll to a new,

a woman getting combed in. And so I pretty much think anybody involved with that should be lethally injected, but I don't, you know what I mean? Not if you're doing it. I think that if you made that. You'll be maybe more evil is doing that, but it's with crowdwork clips. Yeah.

Don't, don't, you're going to put something out into the universe, big dog that I just don't. Yeah, I'm going to do that with crowdwork clips and it's going to be all like heckler-based stuff. Yeah. 30 seconds. scroll through, you see Heckler's getting owned, and then heckler's clapping back.

And then you can just have that playing on a few different screens, and it's basically cackle the night away. Laugh, you're a little heart out until there's nothing left. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I thought it was pretty evil. I didn't really care for it too much.

It's one of those things where you're like, like, I kind of feel disconnected. I don't know if it's, it can't I don't know. I don't want to say it's a new gin thing because I know gooning comes in all shape, sizes, ages, and colors, creeds, and religions. But what I do want to say is, like, I don't feel as though my brain doesn't even register that as something to do.

Like, when I heard about it and I found out it was real, I was like, oh, there was no part of me that was like, give it a go. You know, I felt like I had stumbled upon something super, super, super evil. And I needed to get it off my phone very quickly. You know what I mean? I needed to have it away from my phone and away from my hotel room Oh dude I was doing sit-ups

We were doing partner sit-ups So like you You know you You got a partner across from you This is after we finished sparring yesterday And It was me and this big black dude Latrell And we finished sparring

And we did sit-ups But you put your feet on top of your partner's feet So you can like get leverage And then you guys You sit up, high-five and I put my foot on top of his feet. He goes, you got some cold-ass toes. And I just started laughing really, really hard.

I did not know what to say to that. He just goes, your toes are cold as hell. How are your toes so cold? We've been working out for like an hour. And I was like, oh, I have a syndrome where my hands and my feet are really cold. And he was like, nah. And then that was it. We just got to do insidups.

But I wanted to tell you that because it was very funny to me. For a guy to just be like, you got some cold-ass toes, man, why? And then to explain and he goes, nah. Nah. Okay, just like, just like, no, I don't get down like that. I have like Renaud syndrome or whatever the fuck. My hands and feet are really cold. Ring says there's motions at your front door, but I'm whipping cane in the back.

Man, ring been at your door seven days saying, ain't seen no motion. Oh, yeah. So you ain't, no Rick detected. No chrome hearts. detected. Yeah, no, Balenci detected.

Should we get a drip? I have been thinking about... Actually, I bought some new drip. I need to get new boots, but I got some new Wrangler. I got four pairs of new Wrangler Ranchers, so now we're at five Wrangler Ranchers.

Boot cut, three pair black, two pair brown. And I got some new shirts. Just bled. blanks. They've been buying a lot of blanks lately. Nice. Classic.

I heard to go wrong with those. Yeah, just ragling fit blanks. I got to, I had to retire the crop tops for a little bit because I have love handles again. And I can't be, I can't be doing that to people. So I have not been wearing them. I wore them on a video episode that I did with Ben. And somebody said, hey, Jake, you can't, you got to retire those. and it kind of made me

uh kind of made me sick for a couple days so I uh I had to realize yeah I'm pretty got I got I'm kind of out of the crop top zone now I'm into big t-shirt zone To be fair that's a narrow window for most It's very narrow for most guys Um I mean like you

You gotta look You know how many subscribers we would lose If I wore one in a video episode It would be Or we might gain a bunch I don't know you know No, dude. Some guys want you to plug their butthole, you know what I mean?

They want you to fuck them. They want you to have sex with their bodies. Girl by. I ain't doing that. I ain't doing all that work. I ain't doing that to y'all. I ain't fucking you in the ass. I got a girlfriend.

I'm not fucking your gay body. Girl by. I ain't fucking. Girl by. I ain't sucking your dick. I got a female girlfriend. Can I talk about this on here? I don't know if I can.

I don't know what it is. I don't think I can. I think she might get that. That's okay. I was going to say, I know somebody who's a boyfriend of like five years tried to make a pass at her gay best friend

when they were all camping together for the Renaissance Fair in Houston. And they were both really drunk, and the girl had no idea that her boyfriend was even lean that way. Everybody was really fucked up. And what happened was her boyfriend makes a move on

her best friend, who also has a boyfriend. There was just a lot of strikes. Strike, so he was at Strike 3 the moment he went to make a move on and so not only was there a cheating scandal, it was cheating, you're also gay, and this is like my best friend,

like you didn't think he was going to tell me that you tried to grab his penis in the tent? It was just an all-around huge, you know, thing. There's not really like an end of this story. That's some shit we've all done, though. We've all, does Eden have gay friends you've tried to have sex with? Nah.

Nope. That's all that on that. That actually sounded very not confident. You were like, uh, nice. Yeah, very smooth. Uh, nope.

Yeah, no, no, no. Answer that one is no. Resounding no. Uh, I remember I jokingly asked Ashley, I was like, would you, would you be more mad if I cheated on you with like a, like a girl or a guy? She was like, we were just, we were just actually, like, you know, stupid hypotheticals like, would you love me if I was a worm? She was like, if you cheated on me with a girl, like, I would probably do like psycho stuff to you. She's like, I'm not above that at all. Like, you know, I would 100% like, try to.

ruin your life. She's like if you, if I find out you were like getting fucked in the ass or something or like sucking dick, she's like, I mean, I'd be pretty upset, but it's like, you know, she's like, if I do anything to you, it's like a hate crime now, you know what I mean? She's like I can't, you know. Well, also then it's like she really knows it's not her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a good point. It's like a guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have to, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're competing with a guy. It's a different. I want to be with a guy's ass. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Of course, she, she had something, he had something that she didn't a penis.

This guy, yeah, a dick and a guy's butt. Yeah. But, anyway, I, uh, uh,

anyway, thank you guys for listening to the show. And, and, and, yeah, a guy's butt is different from what goes vagina.

All right, guys, this has been, uh, this has been our philosophy session for the week. Thank you for a lesson to the show. A guy's butt. feels different from a girl's pussy.

Yes, well, probably. What if it's exactly the same? We've been doing all this trouble for nothing. I could just have sex with the men's butt. What if it's exactly the same? Bill Nye. And they just need to shave really often. Mythbusters.

Thank you guys for sending me some recommendations. I want to give an open call to, if you guys know, of any like cool breweries or venues, smaller venues in Florida or Colorado. Please feel free to Instagram message me at Jake Rhodes Comedy, J-A-K-A-K-E-R-H-O-D-E-S comedy. I'm trying to set something up. We've been all over the country and we've been very privileged and blessed, but we want to kind of do something closer to some of our southern fans

and also in some places that we have not done. And Colorado is one of those. and Florida is another one of those. I don't consider Colorado the South. I actually don't quite know how to classify Colorado. But anyway, if you know of any, like Colorado Springs, Denver would be great, but I'll accept Colorado Springs. Please let me know.

Feel free to shoot a message to me if you have any wrecks. Comedy clubs, venues with seats, breweries with seats, anything like that. I want to get shows set up for Florida and Denver. Subscribe to the show, patreon.com slash bandaheho time. You know the drill. I will be on the 10th of February here in about a week. Next Tuesday I'll be at Creek in the Cave doing stand-up with Mr. Tim.

Bubbubbubber-Butterly. So go good tickets to see that. It's a butterly effect. Creek and Cave.com. And then I will be at the Velveter Room, February 20th. Thomas, you got anything going on? Yeah, it's going to get in now. I guess today the day comes out.

But there's, we go to, if you live in Boise, Idaho, there's a film festival film fort that will be going on, I think, in late March. And keep an eye up for that, because it's also, it's a screening of delivery boy, but also there's just like a music festival and like Father John Misty and geese and all these other groups are going to be there for the music thing. So basically what I'm saying is if you go to this music festival and you're already there for the music, I think you can go see a screening of the delivered boy.

But don't go to the festival just for that. Go for the music. I'm not really a big fan of geese or Father John Misty. really care if you go or not but um if you want to go see the movie you can hell yeah yep uh all right uh thanks for listening everybody go bye bye bye oh shit