Pendejo Time - johnny gender

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

listen boss.... im still the same guy..... i just got a bbl and a tan.Support the Show.

Your white ass can do a countdown when I say your white ass can do a countdown. Yes sir, sorry, yes sir. You're going to sit in my crib doing random ass countdowns. I'm going to T-minus your ass. I'm going to get T in your ass. I'm going to minus your penis off. I'm going to... I'm going to...

They think you nasty. T-minus you so bad Yo endocrine sister Go be making Esseron Esseron Yeah Ever since I got on my

Esseron I've been I've been looking good You know I was Lethargic And I was chubby And then I got on That Esseron

Esseron I got on my Esseron I got on an Esseron. Esseron. I got on my Esseron. I got on my Esseron. Tony, I'm telling you. You got to try this Esseron. Tony, I had no sex drive. I couldn't fucking sleep.

I didn't want to get out of bed, and I got on this Sassaron. Why are you always sending me out with Pauly? His dick's always hot now. I don't like it. He's glistening. He's got a fucking tan on. He's hanging out with Instagram whores. He's got vascularity in his shoulders now.

We're talking 25 pounds lean muscle in three months, Tone. Tone, he's pushing two wheels. He's squatting five plates, Tone, ass to grass, and I ain't never seen nothing like it. The kid couldn't even put the fucking bar up in January. It's fucking April.

He's on that S-O-C-E-R-O-N and now he's fucking I would like to think that as much It's fucking April. He's on that a saucer own a nice fuck I would like to think that as much steroids as probably passes through the Guido community that that conversation has literally happened like for like verbatim like Watching Jersey Shore and just knowing what I know about like Italian Americans. It's like yeah, you know the fucking kid what worked down in the goddamn car wash. You know? Motherfucker just. One day I see him.

He says, you know, I'm a kid. You look good. You shot up eight fucking inches. What's going on? You get some trim? He's like, no, I'm on the Esasero. I got on that Esasero. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. I'm 18 years old. I'm balding, but I'm on Esasero. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. You got to try this Esasero. I'm 18 years old. I'm balding, but I'm on Esasero. My dick gets hot when the wind blows on it. There are some drawbacks, big ones. I fucking killed my wife pretty in a bad way. I fucking tore to pieces essentially, yeah.

But my nuts did shrink Quite a bit I'm covered head to toe In red Blistering boils My nipples are very sensitive I'm getting gyno But

Five plates As to grass It's looking good Don't I'm telling ya You gotta look at this kid's pussy This kid good. Don't, I'm telling you. You gotta look at this kid's pussy. This kid, you know, out of nowhere,

one day, he comes to work, he's got the best pussy. It's the best thing I ever seen. He is beautiful. My own. You know, I don't know if you remember, but he was, you know, we always thought he was a little, you know. He always had a skimpy little wiener. Yeah.

Now he's got a great big pussy. And then, you know, I didn't see him for a couple summers. We were, you know, we were running the gas trucks together. Don't. Don't. You got to look at my pussy. Come here. Don't.

I know we grew up together. We played stickball, but I got a fresh pair of tits now I got tits now Tony You gotta take a look at my rack You gotta look I know I don't wanna He's got boobs I don't wanna offend or nothing

But uh I got a nice fucking ass now Tony I got a BBL I got fucking per fucking ass now, Tom. I got a BBL. I got fucking perky seat tits. Look, if you don't pay, you go to the bar, you grab him, you take him out back, you give him a couple slaps, and you bring perhaps his bra or some type of blouse back to me as a message. Notorious.

A message to me. Crime and loyalty. Mob enforcer Johnny Jinder. Just a guy who's like, look, you know, I don't want to fucking hurt you or nothing. In fact, that's not my business no more. That's a nice pair of tits you got there, kid. Be ashamed if something happened to him. He got sucked on.

I was like, he's... The way that he collects debts is he doesn't want... He knows people don't want to be associated with him because he's transgender. He's like, look, I don't want to hurt people no more. Estrogen kind of fuck with the muscle mass, you know, but I will. Yeah, this is an Italian gangster who's not trans, but was just like, as a statement, was transitioning, like, still identifies as a man. Yeah.

I got, look, I got tits now. Don't be calling me girly. Don't be, yeah. Okay. Still very machismo. But I got better tits Than you old lady Yeah

You know it Just a beautiful Italian woman He's still He's like Listen I don't wanna Fucking hear nothing You calling me a fucking dime

I fucking You know I don't wanna hear nothing Calling me No cat calling I ain't a gumad I ain't nothing I don't cat call me

I'm still fucking I'm still a man I'll still fucking Kill you I don't know what All this woman talk is about I'm still a man. I'll still fucking kill you. I don't know what all this woman talk is about. I'm a grown man. New underboss of the Gambino crime family, Johnny Jinda. Johnny Jinda.

Apatone. I don't know. Listen. Every fucking day I come by the butcher shop. And we've been protecting this shop since your grandfather ran this shop. I don't know why you're not paying up. I'm sorry, times are hard. Yeah, fucking, I preach to the choir.

I ain't going to beat you up or nothing. But I know you got a wife. So if I come back Friday, you don't if i come back friday you don't got the fucking scratch times two i'm gonna fuck you and you're gonna cheat on your wife with me and you know that i used to bench press 250 and i had a big beard and i don't look like that now but that do you want to be in a guy in neighborhood that fucks me? Is that what you... No, please. Because then you would be gay.

Because then you would be... As you know, all this talk going around is not true. It's not true. I need you to understand. I don't know why people keep accepting me for who I'm not. I know I have soft skin now and big plump lips. I know I look supple as hell. I know I look like a fucking Italian 10 because I am.

I really like the idea of that community being too accepting. He's like, why can't I be who I am? I'm a dude with tits. Why do I got to transition? Yeah, like a progressive, like, banana crime. Listen, I don't know why y'all keep... Come on, there's nothing wrong with it. I don't know why y'all keep calling me fucking Tanya. I'm Tony.

No, it's okay, Tanya. It's fine. It's okay. Times are changing. You can be a girl. You can be a girl. I'm not a girl. I just wanted...

Listen, I just... I wanted a pussy. I always felt like the penis was annoying, just I wanted a pussy I always felt like The penis was annoying And I wanted a pair of tits To look at I wanted to keep a gun in there Listen you know

I figured I liked tits I'm a fucking guy Why not get a pair of my own I can look at them all fucking day I get out of the shower They're right there I get in the fucking car They're right there

You know It's okay Tonya You know Listen When your grandfather ran the family You couldn't have been there I get in the fucking car right there you know it's okay you know back look listen when your grandfather ran a family you couldn't have been data fucking killed you you know in 1995 2013 2000 when your uncle ran it seven months ago it just it wouldn't have fly but now you know they're on the TV and stuff. They got their own sort of shows You know every time you go to apply for a credit card the fucking lady on the commercials got a fucking five o'clock shadow

So, you know it is what? It is what it is Tanya. I don't I Like the idea it don't necessarily like it just Italian. But any repressive, historically, I guess, stereotypically repressive culture being like, it's okay now. Still being very insulting. But look, if you want to fucking cut your shit off

and fucking staple a couple silicone bags. Son, will you listen to me? There is nothing wrong with your condition. It's not. Listen. You are a man. People like you used to run empires. We will get you on testosterone.

There's no issue. He just has a tall daughter. And she's like, I'm just tall. I don't want to be a man. Listen. I will teach you how to run store I will teach you how to drive very quickly

to uncomfortably fast like Uber you know I will teach you how to make people uncomfortable I will teach you about economics I will teach you about economics I will you know I will teach you how to be a doctor

in your home country and then come here and work at the Jiffy Lube through my guiding wisdom I will teach you how to take a $500,000 a year cut in pay just to live in the in Corpus Christi, Texas

God damn it Don't I'm sorry, you know, it's just It's you know, I always just wanted to wear a sundress and listen to Drake. And, you know, I see the kids that run, you know, in and out of the club that we run, and I just, I never identified with the guys

with the, you know, the button, the open shirts and the chain. You know, I didn't identify with them, you know. But what sounded so freeing and liberating to me was to drop ass to cupcake. Boss,

I have something to confess. Boss. Boss. I am no Italian. I would like to say I'm still a woman, but I am Indian.

Boss, listen to me. Boss. Boss. Let me tell you something. What are you trying to say to me, Mikey? It's me. It's your uncle. I've known him.

I've known you since you were... Are you telling me that you're not Italian? You're Fucking Indian? It is true I know Too many I appear as a normal

Italian man A 5'2 very dark Esquined Italian man But in fact my name is Anthony Naraj I can't believe it I mean you know you passed off

as one of us this whole time I you know you wore the big as you can see I had the voice down perfectly however boss listen to me.

I am no Italian. All my life, all I wanted to be was a beautiful woman. I wear the Indian flag on my shirt every day, and you think it is the Italian flag. It's just... I mean, on a date Are they even the same Do they even look similar I was wondering when they added the eagle on

I don't know if that was Italian American This whole time I just Crest All that I don't know if it was some soccer club you liked Yeah I just figured you know It was some fucking something the kids were into. No, boss, it's an entire country.

He's like, boss, please. Please, boss. No. No, please, boss, no. Listen to me, boss. We will start business together. We will make so much money. We will make $45,000 a year.

We can make so much money. We will make $45,000 a year. We can make so much off email, Tony. We can. Mr. Soprano, have you ever heard of a timeshare? Together, we could be billionaire. We could make $72,000 a year. Anywhere from $17 to $25 every month. Boss,

listen, have you ever messaged a girl that go to high school on Instagram. No, I use Facebook. Listen, Mr. Mirage, I don't... We used to be able to go down to the ice cream shop and just grab one.

We used to just stare through their window and then break it. You know, times have changed. 2012 was a long time ago. I don't know how we got to Indian man impersonating mob enforcer, impersonating trans. But, you know, sometimes the paths you take as a podcaster. I have a pussy. Okay.

In the mob house. Show me your boobs now. You must prove it to me. Give me the money and show me your boobs now. You will do as I say. You will complete the order. You will deliver all of the Amazon packages.

My scheme is I order Amazon packages with Prime and then I get free shipping. And then I sell the Amazon packages for the same price, but I charge shipping. I make $1 per for the same price, but I charge shipping. I make

$1 per transaction. $1, but I only pay myself $1. And through this bus, I would make $1 million in 500 years time.

Listen, bus, you don't have to call me bus, man. In 500 years time. Listen. Bush. You don't gotta call me Bush, man. I just. I work at the butcher shop. You know, it's not. I don't know what.

I can't imagine that anybody in the mob. Like in the golden age of the mafia. Like. I would like to be a mid man. How does one do this? Ah, you know, it doesn't,

you gotta be Italian, you know. If you want to be a part of the Italian mob, what you must do, you must go home, take a picture of your balls and penis, and send it, give it to me in an envelope. But a trick I have for free shipping on envelopes is I will put it in a letter with a stamp, and I will drive to the person's house and put it in their mailbox,

and then I do not have to pay the mailman to deliver it. So you think you want to be... This is how I deliver all of my mail, for free. Your initiation into the mafia is to DM Jojo Siwa and ask for her hand in marriage on Instagram. Hello, baby princess. The easiest way to extort somebody is to ask for $1,000 through email

every week. Your mission for this week I have received an email from a Nigerian noble. Whether he is Muslim, I do not know. You must find this prince and bring him to me,

and we will extort him. Okay, boss. That sounds good. okay boss that sounds that sounds good if you happen to see his balls and penis

take a picture and show them to me show them we must collect the the penis and balls that you're missing

should you choose to accept it you must find the the arms dealer known as Ivan Nakarov and take a picture of us. I am Italian Moboss.

My name is Tony Soprano. I am... You started Russian, now we're drifting back into... And I just started thinking about something else. You know, it happens sometimes. I am. You started rushing. Now we're drifting back into it. And I just started thinking about something else. You know, it happens sometimes. It happens. The path of the podcaster is one that meanders.

One that meanders. Yeah. It's like a winding wooded road. People ask, how do you come up with stuff like Arthur Bleveld? How do you come up with you know groundbreaking things like transgender Indian mafia guy

basically what happens is like your life kind of just happens for like a lot of years and like like a bunch of just stupid stuff happens to you

that you don't really know and then you meet a guy on the internet and you're like you want to play video games and then that's basically how it happens. You know they say you can run down the hill

and suck off one vole or you can walk down and you can have the wall run a train on you and fuck you in the ass and the mouth and the pussy. Here it reminds me. This is fucking.

I've always like the running of the bulls in Spain. I always like I know there's a lot of really like stupid traditions like globally, like cultural traditions. I mean, I don't know. People like people do like honor killings and shit like that's fucking but i mean that to me that makes more sense than like um like imagine working at like a coffee shop where they do that shit and yeah i like that people are still just parked like on the street yeah you they're parked like they're at work dude like there's like 200 angry like full-grown prime of their life bulls like goring grown men like launching them like 15 feet in the their life bulls like

goring grown men like launching them like 15 feet in the air and you're like I guess I gotta make this macchiato like I don't fucking know like I know I know like I always thought when I was reading about I thought like and I guess the town does shut down but like imagine you park your car and you forget it's fucking bull running day

and they just take it just like launch your shit like take your fucking side door off yeah it's fucking bull running day. And they just take it. Just, like, launch your shit. Like, take your fucking side door off. Yeah. It's one of those things I always kind of wanted to see, but I definitely don't want to be a part of it. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Like artificial insemination. True, yeah. I think it's crazy how they do that how they made bulls gay oh do you mean like how they collect their their jizz or whatever

yeah what were you thinking about I thought you were talking about like in vitro like with people for a second and I was like oh no he's still talking about bulls

I forgot they did that with people like i uh but yeah no no they make them like fuck a can basically yeah it's like a glove or some shit yeah we always used to do that um to all the neighborhood cats growing up yeah well we were trying to we'd pour them on we'd pour it on like frogs and stuff and we'd make new kinds of animals. Your grandson's like, Grandpa Thomas, can you tell me? I heard that you traveled and, you know, you told jokes and with your buddy. Can you tell me about that? And you're like, yeah, so what we would do is we were trying to make the perfect cat. And what we would do is, wait, is this about the pocket hush now you can't don't interrupt grandpa so what we would do is you know you want you're trying to make a cat that was capable of

like guerrilla warfare essentially now in fort worth there's a lot of cats so me and my buddy jake you know he lived down the road a little bit basically we bred a bunch of stray cats until we had one that was roughly the size of like a mastiff it took us about 25 years and it bankrupted both of us um and then we trained it you know in jiu-jitsu and stuff stuff like i'm just gonna start uh like tranquilizing bobcats and dropping them off over here we drive to my parents house shoot one with a dart and then yeah bring it back and then eventually the feral cat population is gonna be like doing zodiac killer numbers yeah i would be so funny like i know eden really like has a soft spot for for kitty cats and animals and

you and and you think you're doing like a good thing like you're like you're she comes home and you just have a full-grown bobcat hissing in the kitchen. You're like, babe, I found one. It was really sick. And it's like, ah! Like foaming and shit. It's ripped off half of my fingers. You're like, it got your femoral artery.

You're kind of just bleeding out in the kitchen floor. You're like, it's real sweet. The thing is, don't make eye contact with him because like i did and like he didn't like it but like he says you just don't do it and you'll be good yeah in the same way people like oh you know if you make eye contact with him he runs away it's like yeah you know he's he'll he'll make eye contact with him he'll like rip your like the inside of your thigh meat out there's a lot of important stuff over there I uh if you could create a brand new animal

what would you do and in what setting would you place it this doesn't necessarily have to be like the ideal pet no that's just like an ideal that's fucking stupid why would it need to be domesticated we're talking about raw natural power okay or maybe or maybe just a

weird snake who knows the world is yours uh I want I want like like an I want a like a

like an orangutan the size okay so an orangutan but he's the size of like a full grown oak tree so you know like he's big and tall but I want him to have like

the anger or rather lack of impulse control and that sort of propensity for violence is like a full grown alligator. And then I want to let him loose like in Silicon Valley. Like also he has like the the thick hide of like a full grown grizzly to where like low caliber weaponry really doesn't do much it hurts it but it's not going to stop it uh so yeah so like a like 150 foot tall orangutan oaks don't get that big okay well whatever the fuck gets that big 60 but they sprawl a lot you know know. Okay. Well, fucking, all right. 150-foot fall goddamn orangutan with the wingspan that's ten times the size of his body. So, arms that go from, like, county to county, okay? His feet just never touch the ground.

Yeah, he's like a gibbon. Basically a gibbon. And I want him to have the thick hide of, like, a grizzly bear. hide of like a grizzly bear and then i want him to have the impulse control and sort of like you know prey drive of like a full like a like a full big-ass crocodile alligator type creature and then basically i would i would get like one of those big army planes that carries like tanks and shit and i would carry that motherfucker tranquilized and i would just drop him off in silicon valley and let him let him do his thing. I think that would be – because Silicon Valley guys, I'm sure that they could get SWAT in there pretty fast,

but they themselves, I don't think they're armed and wouldn't really know how to handle something like that. Right, as opposed to the rest of the country, which could handle that really well. Right. If you drop that thing in some podunk town in between like fort worth and oklahoma it's curtains you know we well we would we would find a way to make it a slave there's not a law or worship it either you make it a slave or you like you start to like give

it gifts there are no cryptic slave laws out here you'll take advantage of that very fast you'd make he would be working for lockheed within 24 hours yeah yeah or like on a ranch like pulling grain so that boy can bail hay like nobody i've never seen anybody pull up weeds like this hundred foot tall monkey man you can't see him too well because his best just ripping like pulling grown men throwing them like 150 feet in here um yeah so that would probably be um i figure the way i see it is is that is my ideal animal is going to die eventually but i don't like people uh in silicon valley and i don't really care for like californians in general i guess um not i don't have any beef with the Texas-California thing. That's stupid and gay, but I just don't.

I have a vision. You know what I'm saying? So we take him to Silicon Valley. We let him do his thing. I figure he gets a good 90 minutes before the National Guard shows up and they start hitting his ass with heavy artillery. Now, his body can't withstand that uh but you know that's 90 minutes of pure carnage i'm pretty sure he could kill like most of those guys sort of in a in a way that like if you don't die but you bear

you bore bear witness to it like it kind of it fucks you up for the rest of your life gotcha what about you man what about me what kind of what's your ideal animal in the setting for that animal fuck you ask the weirdest questions sometimes um fucking stupid i guess yeah whatever i guess i'll answer this never thought i'd be asked it but yeah probably um i i like the idea of camouflage a lot and i like the idea of a large perfectly camouflaged animal and for that reason i think i would probably choose maybe some type of ox or something that, or just some type of, like, grass and berry eating creature. Bovine type. That can make itself look like a log in the woods okay

like you just think it's a log yeah it's not but it's sort of a clove it can't disguise itself as anything else it just kind of can be shaped like a log and yeah tide would kind of have like moss on it yeah and it would be very bark like okay yeah the thing is i guess i guess they would all look the same so you see the same log a couple times you start to understand you know something's up yeah i picked a pretty bad animal really i don't well you i mean you don't have to you don't have to do violence with your animal your animal could just be be. No, well, I just think from a prey's perspective, just getting into the shape of a log is one of the worst things you can do, especially as a creature that's normally tall.

That's the main advantage they have against wolves and stuff. Yeah, it's hard to get those lower. You just lower the back of your neck down to the ground. What a fucking... I'm mad at myself for picking that. I don't... This is one of those things... My other idea was a bat the size of an eagle

that just flies down and fucks people. Okay. Like, how was your week? Pretty, eh. You know, it wasn't too bad. Anything happen? Work? You know, your old lady or something?

Car problems? No, man, that was all good. I was just like, I just went to the grocery store, you know, and was like, oh. Yeah, meat prices are high, you know, produce high. You know, you can't even get eggs for cheap anymore. Yeah, no, that wasn't too bad. I did, I got fucked by a huge bat. Wait, hold on.

Like, oh, like you mean a dive bomb? Like, oh, I was fucked up. Like, oh, he fucked me. No, he was like, like I just went into an aisle and like there was just a bunch of candles all down the aisle. And he wasn't even flying. He just looked at me with those beady eyes and I was just like, he just held me there for a second. I was captivated. And it was a boy bat too.

His penis, it looked like a big traffic cone. And he fucked me with it. And I haven't told anyone. I haven't told my wife. Obviously, I haven't told my kids. I feel like I cheated, but I don't feel like there was any way to stop myself. He didn't even really. He just stood there and just.

I just gave it to him. He didn't even ask for it I just I got down on my knees and I sucked his bad dick and I let him fuck me in my human ass you know well man I'm telling you does that happen to you too?

I'm telling you brother I got a secret for you that happens to me about twice a month you know and at this point I mean that's just you know when you move down to me about twice a month you know and at this point i mean that's just you know when you move down to port aransas that's just they they love to congregate down there especially at the walmart over there imagine all the birds at a grocery store like in the parking lot they're all just there to gang up on people and fuck them they're like six their wingspan's like 12 feet no they're all small is there just running a train on you that would be

i feel like that would just be like a like a nuisance like obviously it's one of those things i'm getting fucked again yeah like well again it's like one of those things that you're nine times out of ten you can prevent it's like one of those things that you're, nine times out of ten, you can prevent it from happening because you're bigger and you're stronger. But there's one out of ten times that it happens to everybody. It's like getting pulled over. You know, it's like it's going to happen to you, you know, every now and then, and you accept it's a part of life.

But usually you can fight them off. But, you know, you're like coming back with a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk for the missus. You just weren't on your guard that day, and 120 pigeons just Mary Poppins you, but instead of floating you around the city, they fucking turn you out. Yeah. Turn you out. Everybody want to.

Everybody want to Dude, I want to be in the movies, man. I think we need to Me and you need to get agents. I want to be a character actor. You could be a good one, I think. You know? No, I have reasonable dreams. I don't want to be in a big movie.

I want one of my broke-ass friends to just borrow $20,000 from his parents. Like they think he's starting a business or something, and then he makes a movie about living in L.A. or some gay shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm just a guy at a party who's kind of an asshole. Yeah. Or just a guy at a party who's like kind of an asshole. Yeah. Or just like a guy who gets killed. Yeah.

Or just like a weird neighbor. Yeah. Dude, I gave a fucking weird neighbor stare today. What happened? Somebody was, I was taking my trash cans back to the house from the road, not from anybody else's house. That would be weird. And somebody was driving by and honked,

and I couldn't tell. They did the little hee-hee, like, hey, honk. And that happens pretty often in beautiful, diverse neighborhoods. So I looked up to see if it was somebody I knew, and I squinted because it was tinted in there, and I couldn't see. I was like, maybe this is a friend or something. But I just gave them like the Clint Eastwood glare on accident. Gran Torino, just like.

I was just standing there with my trash can like, who are you? Get off my lawn, yeah. And then the guy got close, passed by, and waved like, hey, you know, like... Yeah. Don't know you, but what's up? And it was just a regular black guy. Who I just, like, gave just a serious mug

because I couldn't tell who it was. I was trying to recognize if it was one of my friends or something. Yeah. Because I couldn't see past the windshield at all until he got right up. Yeah. And yeah, it was not somebody I knew. I felt bad. Like he, like I'm, I might be the only white guy on my street.

Yeah. And he just, he passed by the one white guy. And I was just. Yeah. And he just, he passed by the one white guy. I was just, he's out there in my fucking basketball shorts and a button up just looking at him like, you don't belong here. I just didn't know whose car it was. Every Hispanic old man waves at him like very sweetly. Yeah.

And he just gets the one young white dude on the block and he's like, oh, man, it's a friendly neighborhood. And you're like, get out of here, you piece of shit shit i don't think people can instantly recognize me as like a young guy in a lot of yeah you're right that's yeah that's probably true you gotta look close yeah yeah i think from from a distance i'd yeah i'd put you at like my age or something maybe a little older uh you don't have to lie to me it's all right no i mean i'm serious i wouldn't people people joke or whatever but I don't think that you look like 40. But it's like I know you, and we hang out a lot, and we talk a lot. So it's like obviously I know that you're like 22, 23 or whatever.

But, like, yeah, I don't know. It's not like I talk to people or whatever, and they're like, you do a podcast with a 60-year-old man? No, I feel 70 years old. Same. But I think it's just my body hurts. Dude, I want to lose all my hair and just go completely white with the beard. I want to look 90 years old now

and just never look older or younger for the rest of my life. Just, yeah. They're like, like I, I trip on the stairs and people like help me up. But you're like 24. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be sick. I like, wow. You're pretty old to do landscaping. I'm like, that's right. That's right.

I'm very impressive. Well, I mean, here's the thing though, is, is it, i know you joke but like the sad thing about like not necessarily just any outdoor laborious sort of back-breaking work is and we've talked about it a billion times on here but you know you go to meet a guy

who's fucking weathered and you know you know it's like uh man i gotta i finally got a couple days off you know it's my birthday or whatever that's awesome man what are you gonna do it's like oh you know me and boys are just gonna go hang out and you're like the boys it's not i mean not what you expect it's like yeah man you know fucking 25 comes up fast and in your head you're like i thought you were like yeah 42 you know because it's just being out in the sun obviously we know and then fucking working with your body and fucking it also the fact that like when you work outside at least for me i just don't take care of myself no like i just eat like eat like shit i try to

drink water but until i got home from work today i'd only had a handful of crackers yeah if i eat too much if i when i'm working outdoors i like get sleepy at noon and i still have like eight hours of work left to do. I used to work with a guy who would be hot as fuck and he was still bringing rotisserie chicken for lunch. A whole one. Like a whole bird from H-E-B. Good old Fred. That rocks, dude.

Also, I see this in kitchens too, or I did when I worked. It's just a lifestyle. Well, doing, I mean, doing, living off cocaine and cigarettes will do that to you. Yeah, Coors Light cocaine cigarettes. Yeah, Jim Beam, like that. That's, like, always so funny when fucking, I would be working with a dude, and I'm like, in my mind, I give him deference because he's older than me i was like 19 when i 18 when i first started working in kitchens and uh like i started like back house

and i moved to server pretty quick or whatever anyway and you know you'd meet like the big line cook kind of fat guy tattoos shitty you know and in your mind you're like this is an elder so i gotta like write stuff down and i gotta talk to your mind you're like this is an elder so i gotta like write stuff down and i gotta talk to him a certain way because this is my second first second job so you know i'm trying to do this the right way hey sir you know whatever and uh i was working at joe's crab shack and one of the line cooks there who i was doing like yes like trying to like listen to what he was saying was like hey stop calling me fucking sir man that shit's weird i was like oh it's just you know sorry man it's just it's how it's just my mom raised me that way man anybody you know like uh how old do you fucking think i

am i'm like i don't know i and at that point you know you're like i don't know uh 20 you know no it's like i thought this guy was like he was like two years three years old he's like 23 look like dog shit but it's like it's like it's always just uh yeah the cocaine the long hours the sleepless nights you know heat uh that'll fucking just turn you into like just a piece of beef jerky like just yeah just like but what's weird is I think there's a leveling out point because I've met old timers like in both industries that are like in their fifties and sixties and they look old, but they've looked like that since they were 40. I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah, no, I know what you mean.

It's like you stop, like you look, you look 35 when you're like 20 and you age till about 50, but you stop there, but you'll be like, God damn, about to retire 72 or whatever. And you're like 20, and you age until about 50, but you stop there. But you'll be like, goddamn, about to retire, 72, or whatever. And you're like, what the fuck? I thought you were like 100. It's just, there's like a 15-year aging period or whatever. But I would rather look like a pirate than like soft and luscious but like all your muscles are just like sagging off your body like just like i've met i meet guys who like just have just been

sitting down their whole life yeah which. Which for women is fine. It doesn't, I don't think that makes much of a difference. Yeah. But like when you meet a man and it's like, hey dude, how do you have like weak hands? Yeah. How do you, I'm not even trying to be some type of like, like, oh, you need to lift five times a day.

Yeah. It's like, hey man, have you never fucking opened a jar before yeah do you call the fire department when you need somebody to like fucking change your tire i don't know well here's the thing is is that i agree with you like partially how you're raised and the culture you're surrounded with and then too like working in restaurants or like labor jobs. But here's the thing. Since I moved to work from home, I guess three years ago,

like when I was working at the school and then now, now I stayed pretty active in the gym or whatever and like that helps, but I haven't been to the gym in like two months and I can feel myself start to jiggle when I walk around. I know what you mean. Which is like not like because I was talking to Ashley about this today.

Like I am I am profoundly sedentary. Like I work from home. I like some days I will lay on the couch my whole workday and just work from the laptop. I don't move. I don't like do pushups. I don't stretch. So like not being in the gym and not being active like I feel my joints like softening and I feel my body like softening and I've gained like weight or whatever from like and it's just strange to like

Be aware of where I was at like two months. It's not even really like I'm getting fat thing It's just like I'm just turning to like goop because I don't know exactly what you mean Like I'm becoming like soft skinny fat not like normal adult man skin whatever the fuck you know like i'm becoming like a pear-shaped like substitute teacher or whatever and i'm like i gotta get no i know exactly what you mean that was whenever i first got hooked on working out because i was like oh wait i forgot like my my thighs don't have to like wiggle around when i walk yeah like my tit i feel like i just have a normal body composition now i guess i have to keep moving around yeah yes exactly like i don't

when i when i was working at that plastics plant i lost like 30 pounds in two months because i was on my feet 15 16 hours a day in the sun and not eating because i didn't have time to eat but the moment i i switched like the moment i went to working like in an office at the university, it, I was like, Oh, I got to like, I got to work out.

Like I have to, or I'm going to like, so that's why I feel like my, like I have friends that get these cushy work from home jobs that worked like in restaurant industries too, or like construction or any labor, whatever. And I'll, I'll see them and i'm

like oh dude you got the cushy gig man i fucking told you and he's like oh dude it's so sick i fucking i sit you know i sit around i play fucking video games like i said i'm like hey man yeah it's sick and then like i'll see him four months later and they're fucking jumbo and i'm like yeah man you know when you're working from home right and i'm like dude no it's not we're not supposed to live like this like this is not good for our bodies we didn't involve evolve to like you gotta like you have to do something or like you will you're you will lose yeah you'll fall apart dude like you literally your joints will like actually like you will fall apart i mean i've been sick so it's been different like i've been laid up dude for like two weeks um but uh yeah it's always really weird to like I was pretty fit I was like 185 and now I'm like

about 200 again and uh and I'm like I'm like in the car and I'll go over a bump and I'll feel like a belly jiggle and I'm like that's fucking that. I don't know if you've ever been like in somebody else's car or driving and, uh, and, and you're like, like a jiggle that wasn't there like three months ago. Like you're, you're, you're like, I dude, it happened like yesterday. I was going to the store to get some fucking Pedialyte and, uh, I went over a speed bump coming out of my complex and like, like my upper belly hit like the underside of my tit. And I was like, that didn't happen.

I remember, I remember when I first started not being able to see my seatbelt after I put it on. Yeah. I was like, ah, shit. Oh,

well, like whenever you're, whenever you have your seatbelt on a little bit too high, like the bottom part and it creates two different bellies. It's your tit belly and your belly belly? It's like your chest belly? Yes, yes, dude. No bueno.

Dude, Ashley, I don't know if I talked to you about this, but this was maybe a couple months ago. She thought that the, oh, you get so fat that you can't see your dick thing was like a joke from TV. She was like, that's not real. And I was like like a joke from like tv she was like that's not real and i was like no dude it's real and it's like it kind of just happened to me and it just happens like you're in the shower you see your penis you're in the shower you see your penis like seven months goes by and one day you just can't see it anymore and you're like oh swag like i get like she was like wait really like you look down and it's just like and I'm like yeah like it's just it's just the belly and then no balls with no dick and then

just knee like knee and shin and foot like it just disappears like it eclipses like the sun she's like I don't I can't believe that like I don't understand and I'm like no it's just it's one of the coolest things and I'm not joking if you can go to that and then come back from that it's one of the coolest things you can do as a man to just it's very funny to just like out of sight out of mind drone dick from like twinkies and ho-hos like chicken wings and beard shit it like it was actually one of the reasons so like what like spurred me to initially lose weight after I just lost weight from working outdoors or whatever was like, A, the COVID kind of fucking scared me a bit the first time I got it. And then B, I was in the shower and I was like, I can't see any of it.

I can't even see the it. Like, I can't even see, like, the tip. Like, it's gone. I can't even, the balls hang lower, typically. I can't even see my one ball. Like, the one that hangs lower than the other one, which is the left one for me. So, what do I do now? I'm trying to remember if I could ever not see it.

Because I gain weight so much in my legs. Right. Okay. That even though I had a gut, it like, I don't just gain in the gut. Like it, my body's real good at getting fat and knows how to distribute it.

Like, so I had like, like you said, like the substitute teacher thighs for sure. I had just a huge ass, a huge flat ass, like a wide chalkboard ass like like like birthing hips yeah fucking wide ass and just fucking like floppy tree legs yeah and then just tits you know yep yes sir boobs dude my face gets fat so easily same dude anytime i start gaining

weight yeah i didn't i didn't i had forgotten what my face was shaped like yeah legitimately yeah whenever even when i was in shape and lifting when i was like 210 or so i've lost weight since then i was like dude i legitimately did not know my face was shaped like this. Yeah, same. I used to line my beard up just off imagination. I would just invent a jawline. I don't know where my cheekbones are. Because from my chin to my chest was just a line.

And I was like, yeah, that's fine. It just fucking drops straight down. That's whatever. Yeah. But, dude, I can be lean as shit, gain five pounds, and three of it goes to my face that's where i'm at right now dude it's i'm like puffy because i i it's funny to like like see pictures on like my phone that'll pop up or whatever like three months ago i'm like what the fuck it's just it's it's it like me i'm all belly. My legs and arms will stay normal, the normal size. I don't gain weight on those places.

It's just my stomach. I'm one of those. When I'm 50, I'm going to have lanky guy arms and legs, but then just a fucking boom. I'm going to be fucked up looking. I'm just going to have a big fat ass. Just a big old man ass. If we combined our forms of fatness, we could just create a regular fat guy.

Yeah, just a normal guy. Yeah. Just like a guy who wears work coveralls all day. Even when he comes home, he just sits on the couch. I envy those guys who get fat and it just kind of looks normal on them. Yeah, yeah. No, same. You kind of looks normal on them. Yeah, yeah. No, same. Like, you don't, you kind of look, like, swole.

Like, it goes across your whole body instead of just, like, a weird. Because I have birthing hips, too. So, I'll get, like. Dude, if I put on, if I get over, like, 205, I do have, like, a pear shape to my body. Like, I can't, I can't, you know, I can't eclipse that. Because it's just, you know, I'm fucking, I could pop a baby out of my butt cheeks. You know what I'm saying, man? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Ooh. I'm getting turned on. All right, dude. You know what? There's something about, just gets me going, thinking about pear-shaped men and fucking bats that fuck you. Tone, listen.

Tone. Come on. Tone. You're getting pear-shaped. You're getting pear-shaped. Tone, listen. Tone, come on. Tone. You're getting pear-shaped. You're getting pear- Listen, I know- James Gandolfini, that's the guy who got fat and it just looked normal on him.

Yeah. He would have looked weird if he lost weight. Chris Farley was fat as fuck. He just looked normal. He looked like a normal fat guy to me. He looked like a big fat guy. Yeah. He didn't look like he was supposed to lose weight.

Yeah. And he wasn't. No. Critical report. In fact fact what's funny being fat didn't really kill him no it was the speedball uh that he you know um some say it may have helped him lose weight that's such a cool name for that sounds cool it's a cool name for a thing to do Like crack Sounds fucked up You don't want to be doing crack Meth It's just got like phonetically

It sounds I'll tell you what sounds kind of cool Spice Spice Yeah I'm going to hang out in the garage Smoke a little spice Yeah that is true

Maybe look at some maps Yeah if you In my stamp collection In my study I'm gonna hang out in my study I'm tired of all y'all Unintellectual crackheads I'm gonna hang out at home

And smoke me some spice I'm gonna read the almanac And rip my dog's hair out I'm gonna sit down In my mahogany chair. I'm going to open up my almanac, and I'm going to smoke me some spice, and I'm going to turn my cat's neck a weird way. All these jive turkeys talking all this crazy stuff off of that smack,

that crack, that who knows it jack. I'm going to stay right here at the crib and smoke me a little spice because I'm an educated man and I know how to harvest all of the copper out of a TV. Listen, you think, you know, what you spend for that cocaine? 60 a gram? You know, that's nasty stuff. It hurts your body. Me? I can get a pound of spice from Stripes for $11.

It's affordable. It's tasteful. It's classy. You know. So smoke up all that glass all you want, brother. Me personally, I'm going to smoke six blunts of spice that cost me $1. And I'm going to go outside and I'm going to eat all blunts of spice that cost me $1, and I'm going to go outside, and I'm going to eat all the frogs in my backyard.

I'm just going to start chewing on them. I'm going to pop them like fucking Mike Nikes. All these drug addicts running around. Brother, get you some spice. Get you some spice, brother. How about you go get you some spice, and then you go to the store, and the lady says, how is your day going? You say, shut up, bitch.

You say, shut the fuck up. Shut up, bitch. I know you watch me on the TV. I know you look at me with those TVs. I know you got a camera. I saw them behind the cash register. I know you got a one-sided mirror in the bathroom, and I jacked off all over it just as a statement. I know you got cameras in my outlets in my house, bitch.

I know you got a fish in my ass, you stupid bitch. You boys running around with your Mac-10s, slanging your rock. What you need to do is stay in and get you some spice crack open a nice book you know get a fire going smoke you a big

bowl of spice and just put your feet in the fire just put them put your whole legs in there you know it's not I'm imagining

just an old black guy who's addicted to to coke and spice being like oh y'all running around here doing these crazy drugs i stay at home with my sugar and spice yeah like a a very like uh i'm trying to think like a kind of like who's the motherfucker at Supreme Court that's a piece of shit Clarence Thomas is that his name yeah

yeah that's who I'm picturing but he's cooler he's got like a beanie on and he's like he's got like a like a beanie on he's kind of like a

like a jazzy guy and he's like listen you know a lot of the young brothers out there you know they're running around

they're fucking with them perks and pills that that powder. I got my sugar and my spice, you know. I do an eight ball of cocaine and I smoke two blunts of spice. I go down to the construction yard and I start chewing on all the iron rods. Just in the lay down yard, you know. You know, i chill i read a little book

smoke me some spice and i turn my microwave inside out i go get me some heavy grit sandpaper and i just start jagging off outside in the front yard with it you know because spice people people look down on a brother that smoking spice but the problem is is that you know people say the lsd and magic mushrooms open your mind but they just they crack the door you want to really kick that motherfucker open smoke an ounce of stuff that you got from 7-eleven you. You know that methamphetamine, that heroin, that cherry wine. I'm going to sit

right back here with my spice, smoke a little bit of that God's green earth, and I'm going to think about all the ways that I can write cursive backwards and send it to JFK and tell him that I'm coming, I'm looking for you, son, and I'm going to find you out there

and I'm going to put a bullet in your head. So when me and my dad would go buy it, I told you that he was like, no more of this gas station shit, son. We got to stick to the high-quality grade stuff. Anyway, we got to make sure we're getting from a reputable source um we would like we would go get big baggies of this stuff dude for like ten dollars and uh like i don't know if you ever looked like some of the baggies that like typically not the ones that you got from the gas station didn't have but like the herbs it was like rose hips

valerian root you know mugwort catnip these you know ancient herbs combined you know provide a lulling hot like this uh this one guy we got it from uh in seabrook texas he had like made the labels himself and wrote this thing on the back that was like very articulate and was like you know yeah like all these natural herbs and ingredients combined to craft a beautiful smoke that gets you lifted and calms the mind or whatever and then like it was just yeah it was just fake weed like it was and I believed it I was like I'm just smoking catnip bro I'm just I was like 14, dude, I'm just smoking catnip, bro. I was like 14. I was like, I'm just smoking catnip.

And I'm smoking, you know, mugwort and like fucking St. John's, whatever the fuck. Oh, I suppose after the ball we could go smoke a little mugwort. I suppose after the football game that I got into a fistfight at, I'll go smoke a bit of mugwort in the parking

lot of a Whataburger and get into another fistfight with a guy I kind of know. I suppose I'll... Oh, no, I've smoked a bit of my... my rose hips. It's time to call my ex-girlfriend. I smoked a little... a little bit of my witch hazel

and it appears I've broken into my own car. It appears I've smashed the windows out of my Crown Victoria. Oh, bugger. Oh, bugger. I've smoked my sugar and spice and I've broken into my own Crown Victoria. Oh, no. I've eaten a bit of catnip.

Smoked a little catnip here and there. And I've invented a new type of debit card. I went upstairs to my brother's hamster cage and I pulled it out and squeezed it and it popped like a little, like a push pop. A most triumphant victory. A most triumphant, you know, I came home from work, Joe's Crab Shack,

a long shift and then I would just get a little bit of witch hazel in my body and I rolled up a nice joint of catnip and witch hazel and mugwort and St. John's wort. And I went upstairs to the gerbil cage and I just, I spiked it like a football. It exploded

in a beautiful cascade of colors, mostly red and pink. Darling, where's my mugwort? Darling, can you please... I need it for my maladies. Smoking spice out of like a big fucking like like a big posh like like not a corn cup? One of those like goat horn. Yeah. Did you see a spiced in?

It's like it's like an opium dim, but all the drywall is ripped out. Copper's gone. Yeah. The baseboards have bite marks on it. David Attenborough is narrating. He's like, the opium dens in the Middle Ages during Silk Road were a place of desperation and misery, but mostly also a place of philosophy science mathematics the spice dens of detroit michigan are incomparable in their violence and in their chaos camera goes in through the

window and there's just a guy and he's like dangling his nuts over a bear trap and here we see like everybody's just pulling their hair At it's finest Tone there's this stuff called spice It's not weed You know the Mexicans are really cornering the weed market It's difficult to get in these days But you can go to 7-Eleven And you can get a pound of spice

As much as it costs To put a gallon of gas in your car, Tone. I want to be a boy who has a billion dollars. I want to be that billion dollar boy. I want to be a billion dollar boy. And I know I make some noise. Having fun at the party time. Yes, sir.

Party time. We're the boys and we're having fun. Yep, yep. and then i'm gonna go smoke some spicy grab a gun it would be very funny for one of us now like i think the majority of the chemicals that they sprayed on that shit's like illegal so it is difficult to find you'd have to search for it like back when i was in high school you could literally get it at a stripes like they sold it in every gas station but it would be funny now for one of us to get hooked on it like it's not like it's not an easily accessible thing it would be easier to like get heroin it's like not an easy thing to buy or whatever like you just you know you come on and I'm just like. I'm like, oh, great.

Yeah. You're like Thomas. I found a new weight loss trick. I'm like gaunt. Dude, I'm great. My skin's fucking patchy. Thomas, this is next week. Next one is like Thomas, dude.

I got down. I got out like I got down to the goal. Wait, 120. I'm down. I got out like I got down to the goal. Wait 120 You want to know the secret you're a completely different apartment It's just a parking garage You're holding up a pencil and you're facetiming me Yeah, I'm ready to do the plug. Yeah, I'm ready to do it. I've made a brand new method.

You want to hear the brand new method? Hey, I was talking to Sean. We're good to do the out for smokes. But the thing about it is we were talking about the CIA and I just panned the camera up and I'm outside Langley. Like a bomb vest on.

And you're like. I'm like very concerned. I'm like, how did you afford a plane ticket? Yeah, yeah. You're like, how did you afford Simtex fucking wires? Who did you contact about this? Listen. Listen. If you want to hear more shows, more episodes.

The finest podcast. The finest podcast in the land. Yeah, if you want more of this fucking stupid shit, go on to patriot.com. Patriotic. Patriot.com slash Real Americans. Yeah, go to patriot.com slash real Pendejo and sign up and they'll give you an AR-10

and some like level 3A plates. Patriot.com slash Pendejo time because I want you to actually subscribe. Yes, please sub. We need your money. We need it bad. We're aching for it. We crave it.

You guys don't understand. I can't stop thinking about it my eyes rolling back thinking about the dollar my toes are curling thinking about that shit gets my pussy wet listen i i look at the stats motherfuckers okay we get about after about a week we get like 3 500 downloads on these motherfuckers so i need 3 of you, assuming that the other 500 are our Patreons, to subscribe. Because if that happens, if we get like 35 to 4,000,

me and Thomas don't got to clock in anymore. Also, if we do hit 3,000 a month, I will face Jake in a ring. That's 5,000. We're doing the honeymoon suite for this one. This is the heart-shaped bed that spins. I didn to choose i'm seeing this happening we hit three grand i hear a knock on the door i open it you just kick me in my moment you're about to text me like hey we hit it i'm like oh really i'm wearing a luchador mask yeah you start cycling like now

uh yeah so go subscribe to that shit. You get five bucks a month, gets you an extra episode. 10 gets you a video. Speaking of which, probably going to have to double up in August or release something special for y'all because I got the memorial on Sunday and my dad's memorial and work and shit and Thomas's. So I don't know if we're going to be able to get a video upside this Month, I'm sorry, but I'm sure you can forgive us

But ten bucks a month gets you access to all the backlog of the video episodes Five gets you access to all the backlogs the premiums are some great shit in there You can pay us 50 a month if you want again The only person that does that is Nick Mullen and I think he just does it cuz you know, thanks Nick I know you don't listen to this but uh that's the only guy but if you want to be cool like if you think Nick is a cool guy and you like look at pictures of him on Instagram at night if you want him to be your friend he'll be your friend if you give us $50 yeah yeah basically if you want to be Nick

Mullen's roommate uh give him give us 50 a month I'll screenshot it i'll send it to nick he'll not respond give him 50 a month too yeah well i mean he you know he's yeah they're doing no unsubscribe from us you know who needs it more than anything right now is that adam friedland show those guys they you know they just they're hurting they're in bed uh anyway yeah um same thing uh with the fucking we've got shirts we're trying to figure that shit out They're hurting. They're hurting bad. Anyway, yeah. Same thing with the fucking... We've got shirts. We're trying to figure that shit out. We're having some issues with the payment processing

and also with getting shipping labels, but I am actively working on it. I'm not just jacking you off and sucking you off and fucking you off. But that will get solved quickly, and y'all will hear about that. We'll get your shirts. Not that anyone's complained about it.

Legitimately. Legitimately. No one has, but thank you for being patient on that. Yes. I would understand if you weren't exactly. We'll get your shirts. Bye.

Bye.