Pendejo Time - Jt and Jake 13: Let's Drink All The Beer In Eoghan's House In Under an Hour (Audio Only)

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

JT is back again along with friend of the show Eoghan Gallivan Follow him on IG @tribalsleeveFollow JT @godsfavoritecomediansub to the show for more video content Patreon.com/pendejotime See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We test, test. Check one, two. He's going to jump on him in a nice way, and he's still going to die. Penis. Okay, turn this down. Because he loved me. I was showing Jake the, you were listening to like a camp gathering baptist hymn, where they don't just sing the hymn is the people in the crowd,

but it's like camp, you know, typically it's going to be like backwoods-ass appellation people there. And it's the type of stuff my dad did growing up where while they're singing, guys are shouting, woo, who, whew, ye! from the crowd Yehow! Yes Lord! But there's, you know, hundreds of them. So it's like the craziest album. That's so fucking wild.

All the lyrics, too. All right. Check, check, check. How's that? We're recording. All right. Perfect. We're recording.

Yeah, all the, like, I hate to drive the wedge between like the Catholic and like, but I'm talking about specifically new American protestists, like the death cult Protestant, you know, where all the songs are like, all of my enemies, all of my enemies. Die bad.

die bad dance. They got flags dancing Yeah, all of my friends Go to heaven with me And if you're not like me And then you die And you're like man this song sucks And then I told you like

I went to Europe on a backpacking trip When I was kind of young And I had never been to Catholic Mass before Because my parents Well my mom was super Protestant And it was like Catholics don't believe in God They're evil Like they're literally evil

So Catholics actually worship the devil Literally like on accident They are doing idolatry They don't know it. They're dogs. Like they're so stupid. So, dude, I was in this small town outside Paris and I went to a French mass that they did half in French and half in Latin. I was drunk from the night before.

It was on Sunday. And I like was just, I had a free day. So I was just like walking around. And I like was like, I'm going to go. I'm going to go see the cathedral. And they were like having church. And the guy up from was like, do you want come in? And I was like, I'm in pure.

Like in my mind, I was like, I just took Molly with a fucking Czechoslovakian. guy last night and it's still kicking. So like, I don't know if it was like all the port wine and like the Molly, but like I was in there and they were like, soul of Gloria. And I was like. Just looking at like the sun coming through stained glass. Like, oh my God. I was, I got mad at Martin Luther.

He's been dead a thousand years. I was like, what did you? Pay your indulgences. I'm putting 95 compliments on the front of this church. 95 compliments. I'm nailing those in right now. I want to go back in time and I want to be like, dude, because you know what you did? You know what they're doing now?

They're suspended from the ceiling and they're like, Iran? Like, you don't even like, you had guys in robes that were like, so we traced his lineage back. He was like cousins with Peter. It's chill. He's the next guy. And you're like, okay, like that's kind of weird. And it's like, you can pay a hundred florins to jack off on a prostitute. You're like, that's not great.

But yeah. And Martin Luther was like, yes, no good. And then he's like, I'm so mad about indulgences. I'm going to, and you're like, I understand. In hindsight, though, you didn't know what you did. Because now there are guys who are fighting with lightsabers, and then the preacher stops. And he goes, this lightsaber, hand of the Lord.

The guy I'm fighting, every brown person. Well, I was all Catholic. Obviously, my mom's Irish, like, from Ireland, Irish. So super Irish Catholic. The first time I went to, like, a non-denominational, like, Christian Mass. I was like, too happy, be sadder. Be more, like, weird and, like, oh, oh. None of these people feel shame.

Get that fucking guitar out of here. That's not how you worship. Where's the Lord in here? Yeah. I was like, there's no stained glass. Why are these windows clear? Somebody fucking, where's the smoke thing? Is that a Gibson S.G?

That should be a 2,000-year-old pipe organ. Yeah, yeah. Why does that guy have a Fender Stratocaster? I was like, God is so angry. Yeah, yeah. That was like the, I, like, I remember, like, very distant my mom as a kid. I, like, because I went to, we were all, we all went to Baptist churches, but I had a couple friends who were Catholic.

And I was like, we grew up in a Hispanic area, you know, whatever. And I was like, I was like, they go to a Catholic church. My mom was like, like, like the way that you would tap a child on the knee for eating too much candy before dinner, she was like, no, that's a different. That's a different. That's the devil. I was like, but how is it different? Like, you know, like they worship God.

She was like, they also worship his mother. And I was like, but I mean, she's kind of like, she was kind of like the vessel, right? Did Jesus hate his mom? Yeah. He fucking hate that chick? Is that her thing? Very famously, they had a closer... Yeah.

Jesus performing miracles. They're like, shut up, mom. Fucking. He's like, anyways, watch me turn this bread into a million loaves of bread. Someone play some guitar in here for me. He's like, where's the Gibson S.G? Where's the Stratocaster playing C and G over and over again? The joke I always make for my evangelical family, if they ask me about Catholic Church, I always say, yeah, me and the Knights of Columbus got to sell some indulgences in the parking lot after.

We're hocking those things to drivers by instead of a car wash. Dude, the Knights of Columbus rule, by the way. Yeah, dude. Oh, my God. They're bars, every beer's like 40 cents. And then they just have like cookouts where you're like, oh, you donated one dollar. Here's all the food you mean. There's a Polish sausage place in town that donates all their sausage to the Knights of Columbus at our church.

And so like every other month, the Knights of Columbus is like, yeah, you want hot dogs that are pretty much free free? It's incredible. Yeah. Knights of Columbus, like the good version of Freemasons. Yeah. Yeah, growing up, all my friend's dad's either were like, Knights of Columbus, Elks Lodge, or like whatever. And I was like, ah, that's so lame. And then I got to be like 26.

And I was like, that might be the coolest shit of all time. Dude, I'm on Deepop looking at Knights of Columbus rosaries and shirts and stuff being like, bye, bye, bye. Just guys in a dark, dirty basement watching the Red Sox drinking $2 pitchers of Bud Light. I was like, oh, these guys have it figured out. The pool is free, the darts are free. Like, I was like, these guys rule. My dad was like a Freemasons or evil guy. And we used to skate with this kid at Sylvan Beach Skate Park,

which is in the Galveston Bay Area. And his dad was like, you know, a 53rd degree, whatever the fuck, like Master Mason. And we would like hang out and smoke weed and I'd be like, I would have to like, I'd be like, hey, on behalf of my father, I must ask you a series of questions. Starting with Bohemian Grove. He's with this. Ending with 9-11.

My son's actually there doing a little inside work right now. Yeah. And the kid would be like, dude, they literally go to the, like, the, because a lot of them are veterans. And they're like, dude, they'll go to the VFW, like the, like the lodge. And then they, like, they drink beers in their trucks and they talk about, like, Desert Shield. And I was like, my dad does that too. And then I would go back to my dad and be like, hey, so, like, you know, Sean's dad is like a master mason. And my dad was like, you can't hang around a boy anymore.

I just can't have it. And it was like, he was like smoking crack, but he's like, I draw the line. Free masonry. And I had to tell them, I was like, You know, the Lord made all things good. You know that none of those people are even involved in local politics.

Mostly what they do is they like work on their Harleys and then they like, they try to, they sell the same Ford Ranger back and forth to each other. We just do like fundraisers for the community. It's the same thing. Pieces of shit. Sacrifice in children probably.

Dude, but in the third rank of Knights of Columbus, you get a Napoleon style hat and a sword. And I was like, hey, I'm going to be doing that. Yeah. I will pay.

any amount of money and spend any amount of time to get that. Oh, is this a sword blessed by the Lord God? Okay, I think I'll be taking this to Walmart when I shop. Thank you very much. Did you guys see there was like some girl posted a reel that went like, it went like insanely viral because a guy like stitched it? And she was like, I don't know what to get my boy. He just says he doesn't want a gift, blah, blah, blah, and then like cuts it.

The guy's like, I'll tell you it's the best gift for any guy. Just get him a sword. Yeah. Just get him a sword. Every guy wants one. No one. They'll never buy one. And then she just, you know, is like, is this true?

The comment section. just 20 million dudes. Like if someone gave me a sword, I'd be so fucking fired up. And I thought about it. And I went, God, if someone was just like, yeah,

I got you a samurai sword or like, a replica, like Game of Thrones sword or like, I'd be like, oh, this is the best gift. I'd just swing it around my apartment. I would never do anything with it. I got in a fight with my girlfriend.

I'm my now wife, but when we're living together, she was my girlfriend, I got really drunk and bought display samurai swords on her Amazon account. Of course, beautiful. And she canceled the order. And I was like,

almost in tears, being like, why? And she's like, we're not putting, those on my wall, babe. I was living in her apartment. You're like, who even are you?

Buying samurai swords on her Amazon Prime. And she was like, yeah, we're not getting sore. I was like, almost in tears. Being like, I just want it on the wall. You're like, I just want one thing that represents me on the wall. She's like, you're not even Japanese. You're like, shut up. You're like, in my heart.

You're like, have you seen the last samurai with Tom Cruise? You don't have to be Japanese. Put my head in a little bun like that. Yeah, you have top knot. And you're like, I got these from the Renaissance. festival, which is a German festival. This is a Japanese sword, so I'm a multiculturalist. I remember, like...

Baby, you better be happy I live by a code. It prevents me from herding you, right? I like... Ashley, like, every Christmas in my birthday, she's like... Because, like, she loves thoughtful knick-knacks from the thrift store, which is great for me. She's not a jewelry person. Fuck, yeah. So, like, I go and I get her, like, a little cat that you can put salt in, and she's like,

oh, my God. For me, she's like, I don't ever know what to get you because all the shit that you want is like either completely out of the realm of possibility. She's like, what are you been, what is like something like, you know, you just think about all day and you want? I'm like, 1967 Barakuda fully restored. She's a $90,000 endeavor or whatever. And she's like something else.

And I'm like, um, Hungarian AK 47. She's like, where the fuck would I even go to buy? And I'm like, it has to have been one used by the partisans. So it has to be a partisan AK. She's like, I don't know what that means. I'm like, okay, so the partisans, what they were. And then I go on this. She's like, okay, do you know anything that you want that's like under $500?

And I'm like, no, it would just be a part or an accoutrement to the thing I mentioned. It would be like a nice rearview mirror for the barracuda that I don't have. I'm like, oh, what do I want? Just give me a Red Sox hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. That's like my like so simple. I'm just like, yeah, that would be also 12 pack a loan store would be great. Yeah, yeah. I would be so happy if someone got me that gift.

I'd be like, oh my God, this is such a thoughtful gift. And they're like, it literally put no thought into it. My wife will ask me what I want, and I'll say the same ass shit as Jake, where I'm like, oh, service cheetahs, but they actually have to be from the factory in Pakistan. They have to be used by the Taliban, red group. The paw cool, the paw cool, which is a hat, but it has to be made in one of the Taliban-owned factories, a war rug. My wife got me a piece of the Berlin Wall.

That's actually sick. Awesome. It is super cool, yeah. Incredible. I was like, yeah, that's the type of psychopath I have. She'll get me the Cold War or the Gulf War trading cards. She'll get those packs of five. I'm so glad you see that scrystifrinic side of me.

That's awesome. Fucking bison. I am becoming like, something that I realize it's happening to me is, is it like, I am in my 30s aging into like a, like a history guy,

but my niche isn't like American Pacific Theater World War II. My niche isn't like the American Revolutionary War like so many guys. My niche is actually how funny the Russian Revolution was, which there's so many hilarious stories. One of them is my favorite is that Lenin, So they were her one of his many confidants and potential lovers Her name was Alexander Collinthai It was like one of the first like she started like the first women's march

Like the first like paragon of like uh I guess what you'd call communist feminism or whatever like in Soviet Russia Which is around she's a bad guy pre so she's evil And she's in correspondence to Lennon who is in I think he was exiled in Zurich at the time she's like, hey, so we're doing a coup, or they're doing a coup. Like, you should come back here and get the Bolsheviks together. So, you know, in his transitory period, they're writing each other letters.

And then when they finally meet up, she was like, oh, we should do a march with the Bolsheviks and some of the SRs. And we should include women. And Lennon was like, absolutely not. There'll be no woman involved in this. And she was like, but why? And Lennon was like, well, because they're all backwards and very stupid. And because they were raised in predominantly, like, they're illiterate. They don't know how to read.

They're all deeply orthodox. And so they're not going to understand. positions and they're going to want to bring the czar they're going to want to support the czar in this movement and she was like well what if you know we put faith in women to make the right decision and he was like I can't under any circumstances I literally can't even imagine that they literally I literally first off bitch shut up I literally can't even imagine that I'm so mad right now so Alexander Collins I was like these are working people too they work and they're not paid this is a proletary revolution he's punching dry wall yeah he's like I'd rather

capitalism just take over than women be involved in communism. That's fucking bullshit. In one of the correspondences, he did say something like he was like, I would rather like merge with the Mensheviks than like have these. And then finally she like she wins and the protest goes great and it kind of gives rise to like, you know, like what is that the foundation for Mayday and women's working days? Look at communism now. He was right.

If the women didn't get involved. We'd have free healthcare. if it wasn't for women. I have, if we did, like, a national version of socialism? Dude,

if we did an international women socialism. I have friends that, like, you know, like, I get it, like idolize linen

to some degree. It's just funny to be like, you know, he was presented with like, yo, what if we got women in on this shit by a woman who he probably

was fucking and he was like, you need to get the fuck out of here. Like, what are you saying? You want these peasant women to be a part of my peasant revolution? I'll kill you.

I'll shoot you. Do you not know that I'm the guy that shoots people? women too I'd been known to shoot women like right just in the office because they're backwards

in illiterate I don't feel bad about it at all which is like so funny because like there's like there is there was like some like conversations between like Trotsky and Stalin where it's like

Stalin won't be like yeah just shoot the to shoot the ladies and I'm going to read and it would be like no we'd be you bring them into the fold and Stalin's like wow you know it's like there's a lot of work

you know I mean you know the first the first goal of any good communist revolution is literacy but like these broads can't read he's like this literally impossible and I got me thinking I was like like all of the

neo kind of pseudo communist movements in America right now that are with people that are like they I believe get caught in the theater of like the culture revolution in China you know what I'm talking about they get caught in the theater of in the history of these things that happen in real life and they find themselves almost living like a like a live action

daydream of them. I would do this if I was in the, or the Russian Revolution applies to like American politics. Yeah. And it's like, imagine, imagine being like, being in some sort of DSA meeting and then,

you know, you know, half women, there's trans people there. And they're just staying up being like, hey, all of you guys that like are, like,

not, you don't, you don't have a penis and balls. You guys got to get the fuck out of her. Yeah, like, I hate to tell you this, but the revolution is more of a straight white guy.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, like, hey. I need you guys to get the fuck out. I'm not mad at you. You're just going to fuck it up because you want, what do you want? You want to wear a different type of hat?

Get the fuck out of here. The women are like, not that. We're not asking to wear different types of hats. We're like, shut up. Shut up. They're like, again, not our goal. We're not trying to wear. Shut up with this hat shit.

You can join, but who won the 2004 World Series? Cut out. It's 1920. Russia and they're like 2004. Like what? What? Yeah, we're letting women

in the revolution but you've got to answer three questions about Napoleon's best battles. Is that one of the like really depressing things is they like unearthed this Soviet era of time capsule

that was like sealed like right after they won the Civil War like right before Lenin died. They were doing time capsules then? Yeah, they were. And so all the letters were from like Bolsheviks and a couple anarchists or whatever.

And the letters were like dear people in like 2000 and because it was oh it was like this was only a few years back it was like 1919 so it was like 2019 so it was like 2019 and it was like I hope to see

like peace and prosperity and you know like privilege for working people and beautiful you know Soviet states in 2019 or whatever 100 said it well boy would they be disappointed it was like well so basically

what's happening is you're in a big war again we we did by the way we there's a U.S. Oh, also we kind of, y'all don't got a thing anymore. There was this guy Gorbachev. He was addicted to hot dogs. He kind of completely destroyed your entire country.

I do like the idea of Gorbachev showing up in the U.S. and being like, yeah, I'm going to do diplomatic work, or I'm going to get shit drunk and try to party. He's like, how about I just get so drunk I have to, like, leave the White House and get picked up? Like, that is hilarious. Yeah, I remember one of my favorite, like, meetings of the minds, like Alex Jones and Joe Rogan moments was the brief period in which Richard Nixon and Mao Zay Dong were alive and working together. And Mao Zedong would go visit Richard Nixon and he like met Nixon's wife who was like five, who was just so tall.

This is all news to me. So I'm just like, oh my God, what? Dude, so funny. So Richard Nixon was a notorious misogynist, as was to his, to his credit. Also to be a notorious misogynist back then is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, I don't think women should drink water. I'm fucking like,

yeah, literally. It gives them power to make more tears. Yeah, they need less tears. They need to run on empty. And fucking,

and Mao Zedong would be like, like he would like, through his translator, be like, ah, the women of the revolution, you know. Who,

we, you know. Some of them are very attractive to me. Other ones are very, uh, homely. And then Richard Nixon through his translator would be like,

uh, the homely ones give like the best head. That's so sick. And then Mao Zed They're still true today. They got something to prove. Mao's like riding it down like. Taking it back to Joe online and being like, okay.

He's like, listen to what I learned in America. Yeah, that shit cracks me to fuck up. Because it's like how can you, all right, how right, you know, to what degree? To what degree do I think people kind of wash the history of their own? You know, like one of my favorite things about like guys who are really into the American Revolution. is like, you know that this wasn't like a rag tag group of drunk. This was a, this was a coup d'etat between two landed classes.

Like, this was a nobility fighting a war against a different type of nobility. Like they were like, no, the sons of liberty hung out in pubs. And it's like, yeah, they did. And they owned the pub. They owned the pubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, this wasn't like a, you know, oh, this like a random group of militiamen, like, defeated the greatest army that's ever lived. Wasn't George Washington, like, just desperately wanted to be part of the?

the British Army and they're like, no, and then he's like, fine, then I'm, I'm, I'll fucking hmm, hmm, to you sir, and then fucking was just, yeah. It also was funny that, like, somebody made a point that was like all the guys in the American Revolution, like, when they signed, you know, the first

continental Congress or whatever and, like, declaration of defense, these guys were like 19 or 20 years old, and you're like, every 19 or 20 year old I now is like, 10 ways to come so hard. That's so funny. That it makes you pass out. I forget, I forget,

I forget if it was like a bit or just on a podcast. but they were all like 19 or 20, except for Thomas Jefferson was like 43. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was just like hanging out with all these 19-year-olds being like, you guys are so sick, dude. Like, he was just so weird. He was Dave Portnoy.

Well, he was Dave Portnoy. Like, he would hang, Thomas Jefferson who gave most of his speeches in his bedrobes, you know, like with all these guys. And like he worked with, you know, Patrick Henry and all these guys. And he was like notorious for like just showing up to his town meetings in what he slept in.

So it's just a bunch of like 18, 19, 20, to like 25 year old like killers and then Thomas Jefferson being like Hey guys just got done killing and raping like a ton of people If you could shoot every British officer In the head today That would do wonders for me

Personally and they're like how old are you 19 Okay I'm 43 So if you guys fail I'm super good I'm so funny Old guy is always trying to get us to do stuff for him Yeah yeah yeah So we got one of those like hats in the candle

He's like Yeah I got one of those outfits. That doesn't surprise me at all, which is the craziest part of it. I've always loved to surprise my wife by putting it on. And I'm just getting to bed like I didn't just blow out of candle. Just a honk shoe. Oh, you wore the last episode.

I did. I showed up to a season. He's like, what's up? Sexy Playboy. And he's dressed like fucking Ebenezer Scrooge when he meets the ghost of Christmas past. I just got a ball on the end of it. Also,

people were commenting because you were sitting at the camera like this and everyone's like, I can see this guy's man pussy. But it was just the inner. parts of your thighs and then your underwear that had like, I'm not going to lie, I zoomed in to make sure that it wasn't actually your balls. And it was, it was the way that your thigh was pressed against your underwear, it did look like you had a labia. And it was the entire episode. That's so funny. Digging, boys. Do you guys want another beer? I'm going to grab. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Somebody, some listener, several listeners have been like,

Oh, every time you go to JT's house, he's wearing the kind of outfit that you wear, like, the day you decide to kill yourself. Do you know what's funny? As I saw, Jensen and I were at a Goodwill. And there was a costume there of, like, a farmer where it's like, it's essentially like a long robe. Thank you, buddy.

Like a long sleeping t-shirt for women. Yeah, yeah. Printed on it was like a farmer costume. And I was like, oh, I should get that. And she was like, I was like a fun little costume. And she goes, baby, you have enough costume? You're like, they're outfits actually. I was like, I don't have too many costumes.

Also, I'm just laughing like, either like that, what you would like wear if you're going to kill yourself that day. I've like always been like, man, I should be like a jewelry guy, but I can't bring myself to wear like rings in a cool necklace. I would wear rings in a cool necklace. Be like, hey man, don't do it. There's so much to live for. I'll take off all this gay shit before I do.

Take up on this gay shit for his family. I show up looking like Johnny Depp one day. With a bunch of pewter, like, skull rings? Why is all the rum gone? It's like, we've got to take Owen to the hospital. We've got to get Owen in the zone. You're like, he's in a bad place, and I'm just like, I'm in a leather jacket with fucking cool jewelry on. Well, like, I just make fun of guys that wear jewelry, but it's really just, I'm like, I wish I could wear jewelry.

Dude, one of my favorite things to do when I was a server is if any time a guy had a necklace on, especially if it was prominent, I'd walk up and I'd say, oh, cool necklace. And there's not a single guy that can accept the cool necklace. And every single guy, I'll go, yeah? I go yeah. Oh yeah? I go, yeah, cool necklace. And then go, okay, thanks. And I'd be like, you're welcome.

And I'd always play it. Like, I really meant it. And it would always piss guys off so much. Also, you have such a nice, like, sounding voice. You're like, cool necklace, man. Like, it's just like. Not a single guy took that as like, oh, every single guy. Oh, cool necklace.

Go. Yeah. You could say that about anything I'm wearing. And I go, fuck you. Hey, man, cool pants. I'd be like, you know what? Kill yours. Cool shoes.

Cool shirt. Cool, anything. I'd be like, you know, What? Fuck you. Oh, dude. I think I told Jake about this already. My wife and I were on $2.90, almost outside of town.

Yeah. And we pull up to this stoplight, and there's this Taco Bell and a little yard in front of it. And you know how Mexicans are evangelicals now? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Circle of evangelicals, and I can tell because the t-shirts they're wearing. They're all, some of them are on their knees and they're praising and they're singing songs. And I see this one dude with a shofar, you know, a shofar.

Like the Israeli ram horn horn, like that. Yeah. And I'm dressed as a wizard because we're on our way to the Rind Fair. And so I rolled the window down and I was like, hey, hey. And they look at me and I go, blow the chiffor. Blow the shafar. Wait, did they're outside of a taco bell you said too? Yeah.

Well, it was a spiritual battleground. It was a spiritual battleground for sure. They were intercessing on that taco bell. It was so fucking for me. But at first day, ignore me, but I scream it long enough. And then the guy on his knees pulls a shafar and blows it. And I start screaming and I'm honking the horn going, yeah. And they start clapping.

My wife was so mad because the entire day I kept going, Like, hey, so we were praying outside the Taco Bell, right? Intercessing because the spirituality there is like real crazy. And the Holy Spirit was talking to Esteban. He's like, Paul de Traffar, Esteban. And Esteban's like, I don't know if that's really the Holy Spirit. Then this wizard rolls his window down and encourages that, completely builds us up. Holy Spirit, come pour on this, dude.

Holy Spirit straight pour on us at the Taco Bell. But I did that like a thousand times. That's so funny. Wait, so my girlfriend was just telling me her, her, um, her kids fucking like other grandparents are Mexican is it evangelicals the ones that like they're like old testament Christians is that what they are they're like kind of Jews but kind of not oh there's what is that it depends it depends yeah yeah because fucking she was trying to explain this to me and I was so confused I was like they're like like Jesus that only like they go by like the old I was like Jesus it doesn't even show up till the new I was so confused I just like literally she was like they're kind of like Jews but like they're they like Jesus and I was like but why do they like the week But they do like Yom Kippur. And I was like, what the fuck is going? We're interviewing Jewish holidays as the Yvese is like a Baptist evangelical family.

That's so weird. There's a Spanish, uh, Latin American church called La Luz del Lundo, light of the world. And, uh, there's one in a town between St. Marcus and, uh, Houston, right in the, right before you hit St. Marcus called Luling, Texas. They've got a huge church. Uh, and, uh, it's this really ornate almost, I want to say like, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, I want to say like, um, Bagadavita, like it's almost, it's super ornate. It almost looks like a, like a Hindu temple, but it's Christian.

And so my mind, like I see a big ornate building and I go, what is that? That's, I don't, if I don't know a denomination of a religion that I grew up in, I want to know if it's crazier than mine. If you don't know it, you probably, it probably is. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah. La Luz del Mundo is a cult. And they were raised, they were, they were, it was started by a guy who was like, I'm a prophet. And they were like, I'm not sure about that.

And he was like, I'm going to kidnap and kill a bunch of people. And they were like, that's what prophets do. Yeah. And so, um, La Luz del Mundo, like in America is like pretty low key. But dude, like south of the border, they're like, they're like, uh, how would I describe them? They're like, um, they're a cartel driven by God. They're like, they're like the twins from breaking bad. Don't make them sound awesome.

Yeah. They're like the twins from breaking bad, like killing people in like a temple. Yes. Yeah. Like things on the tips of their boots. Like they're, they don't, they don't like trade drugs or guns or money or anything they're just like are you gonna we so we built this church uh in chiapas which is like a rural state of mexico would you guys like to come to to the church and the chappas are mostly ran by

well they're not anymore but there's still a big zapatista movement there like a mexican anarcho communist movement and a lot of natives and they're like we're not going to go to your fucking weird culty church man and they're like okay so we're with you now yeah they're like well how do you like machetes we're a hundred years from seeing the swiss guard out there battling these guys Which is like, it's funny because you're like, oh, light of the world, that sounds nice. And you Google it. And it's like, the leader of the light of the world, Jose Mendoza is known for cutting the heads off of women and children. If they don't convert, this happened in 2007.

And you're like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, 2007. I was driving on 183 past my house, and I saw this church, like a strip mall church next to Damases. You know, Damasis? DeMassis, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right next to DeMassi. there's a church called the Holy Tabernacle of God. And I was like, oh, hell yeah.

So I went, I went on their internet and was checking out their website and stuff like that. And it's like, it's kind of black Hebrew Israelite, but like the evangelical version of it. Incredible. I was like, I want to go there so badly. I want to say, I bet their music's beautiful. Yeah. I bet their music is incredible. Dude, since I've been in Texas, I'm like, there's so many religious, like, in Massachusetts,

you're a Roman Catholic or an Irish Catholic or you're nothing, basically. Yeah, yeah. Like, there are like, you know, like a couple. Born again Christians. There's some Jews. There's some fucking Jehovah's Witnesses. There's small pockets of hostas in Massachusetts. Is there?

Yeah. Not the parts of Massachusetts. I know what I'm from. No. But like everyone I grew up with was just like, oh, I'm Roman Catholic or I'm Irish Catholic. And that was it. What has it been Roman Catholic and Irish Catholic? Just the rights are different?

I honestly couldn't tell you. I know nothing about Roman Catholics. But I'm not Roman Catholic? I'm Irish Catholic. I don't know. I think it's just because I'm Irish. The only thing I get. think the fundamental difference is is that the

and again this is a this is me I have Protestant brain that the idolatry is shifted a little bit yeah I think it's the exact same religion except for one just really like St. Patrick yeah literally yes the idolatry is just shifted towards like like Roman Catholics are like no

St. Anthony and the fucking the Irish guy like nah dude St. Patty that's my guy yeah he could like totally kick St. Patrick's no dude there's a battle I think St. Michael would be judging he'd be the weapon you guys get a bad rap

for molesting kids but the problem is it like it is a bad rap thank you for say thank you for say hold on careful people hate you too because you guys you know molested oh and j t kelly bad look no allegedly like like catholics like but it's like i grew up in a in like a very restrictive oppressive like waspian environment and it's like oh they get molested too but here's the thing you but here's dude this it's not funny It's not funny. It's not funny at all.

But the molestation in a Catholic environment is kind of almost like when you go to buy a new car and they're really nice to you. And you know you're going to get fucked, but they're really nice. And the building's nice. And the cars are nice. Getting molested in a Protestant environment is like, I don't have the money to get a new car. I got to go to the used car salesman. And the buildings falling apart. And the guy's like hitting key bumps in the bathroom before he goes to sell you shit.

And you're like, this feels like a cheap version of the thing that I, know my friend's getting. I'm getting jacked off in a room and there's a printer in the room. You're getting raved in an alley. There's no stained glass. I'm getting my dick sucked by an old man. There's no stained glass. There's no like,

there's glass, but it's broken in it. It's on the floor. Because the church is in South Houston. No one, careful. White people live there. Don't get weird.

I have a new list. Some of my friends are like, you would sometimes say bad things about Houston. And I'm like, here's the thing. I believe if you're from a, place you can be yeah you can say whatever you can be like you're from boston right yeah uh i love it's not racist at all by the way oh sure i love that you i love that you guys completely forgave mark

walberg like look look that chinese guy had it coming he's like actually we never forgave him because he never did no wrong he didn't he didn't do no wrong what do you Boston the country accent i know but you can't say he didn't do no wrong in a boston Yeah, he fucking didn't do no wrong guy. I swear to God, he was a fucking stand-up game. I swear to God, he was the nicest guy. Shirt off his back type of guy. I swear to God.

I fucking. Shoot off his back. Dude, he saw me broken down on the mass pike. He pulled over and helped me change my tie. First time I met someone with a Minnesota accent, I asked my mom if she was retarded. And my mom laughed so hard. She had me tell me to tell all her friends at church. Like, tell her what she said about Miss Dicey.

Tell her what you asked me. This woman, she's from Minnesota. I'm like, Mom, you sound retarded to her. That's so funny. Your Mississippi ass is the dumb one to her kids. That's so funny. When we were in Wisconsin on tour, and we all, Milwaukee is one of my favorite cities in the fucking in the world.

I've been very lucky and very blessed to travel. Milwaukee is like, this is incredible, but there were people that were like, it was like the bar that we were hanging out in was closing, and it was like one, and there was like one guy that was like, you know, the Midwest, but, upper Midwest accent. It's like basically Canadian, you know. That's where, you know, it's like,

oh, where are you going to? Like, you know, are you heading up to, uh, oh, Detroit? And I was like, hey, man, I need you to turn that off. That's a choice. Yeah, because when I get drunk, I know that my shit goes up a little bit. Like beer zero, I kind of talk like this, which is a guy that was from a rural area that moved to Austin and kind of adopted the Austin, like, what's up, kind of SoCal thing that a lot of guys are.

I know that about myself. You get me more than four beers deep, and I sound like fucking Arthur Morgan. You know what I mean? Like after this one, I want to be like, hey, do you guys want to go rob a train?

And fucking, and same thing. When we were in Wisconsin, I was like drinking with people and they were kind of, everybody was kind of talking with the same dialect and the same tonal inflections. And then after like beer six,

this guy we were talking to was like, oh, you're going over all the way down to Detroit way. And I was like, I'll stand you. You can't be doing that. But yeah, it's only when I'm drinking with my brother, but, yeah, three beers in, we're just like, yeah, dude, we're wicked fucking. Neither of us talk like that, even a little bit.

My wife has a video of me and my brother, my brother before he, like, you know, he had some problems. We had some problems. You know, he lived with us for a while. He's doing good. But when we were still drinking together, she was, there's a video of us, like, just blacked out in the living room of our old apartment. And it's literally like Dutch and Arthur where I'm like, hey, I got a new idea. I have a new idea. I think what I'm going to do is open up a halal

Mexican food truck called enchiladas. My brother's all coked up drunk and he's like, the best idea I ever heard. But then the next morning we're like, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? He's like, I'm drunk as shit still. I got to go to work. I don't think my wife has an accident.

She's from like Seabrook, right? Kema area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think she has an accident until I heard her talk on the phone at work. And she goes, hey, honey, how you doing? And I was like, I knew it. I knew it. Well, it's also funny

Whenever I like tell a story about my dad I give him like a stupid Boston accent But he like doesn't really have one I just like it's just funnier for the story Yeah, it makes sense And then like people will meet my dad And be like he talks pretty normal Why do you always do that voice?

I'm like that just gives him a more of a character I just like it No my mom is she's the only one Whenever I talk about my dad I'll be like my you know my dad I'm like hey I'm you know I ain't know I ain't worth the fuck You know and I'm gonna die soon

My dad really talk like that My dad just kind of talk like me or whatever But it's like Just funnier Yeah But, like, you meet my mom and she's like, I was reading the other day on the news that Gavin Newsom is allowing abortions up to 90 days after the baby's gone. They're important two-year-olds out there. Yeah.

She got so mad at me, dude. Because she came to visit me and Ashley, like, right when we first moved in together. And I was very wary because my wife's, like, you know, she's half, half Hispanic. And my mom will say stuff like, you know, there's some good ones that come through. But the rest, I mean, they just, they got to. you got to put them in some kind of zone or something. Oh, that's good. And so my mom was like...

She saw zone of interest and she was like, wow, they seem like a little great life. Zone of de interest, law interest could be good, maybe. And so my mom, she was like, dude, I told JTL us all the time, Owen, but my mom watches the like, end of days, like TikTok, like end of days Christian TikTok all day. Oh, yeah. Old people on TikTok is a brutal fucking... Well, she's 47.

My mom is super young, but, like, she has, like, boomer brain, like, really bad. She's not too old to let China rewrite her brain with an algorithm. I need, I, well, I've been just slowly dropping, like, Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs of, like, hey, you're a part of a death cult, and they're going to literally get us into World War III. And lately, when we go on rides together, she's like, you know, I don't understand why they want to go to war so bad and kill so many people. It's not, you can't make the second coming happen. and I'm like, welcome. Yeah, well, one of my buddies, like, like, basically just lost his dad during COVID because he discovered TikTok. Oh, yeah.

He's old. He was, like, fucking 70 during. And he just like, I'd go over and says, I'd known this guy like my whole life, basically. He'd be like, oh, oh, and it's good to see you. You know, Obama invented COVID? I was like, what the fuck, dude? See, what's crazy is my dad started getting dementia right when COVID popped off. And all of his friends are other guys.

from the South, other evangelical Christians that all went Q and on. My dad was like, just seemed stupid. He's like, I think they got it from Facebook, which is for girls. And I'm like, I love that your arrogance and hate towards girly things. Yeah, that's so funny. He was so funny. He was so

misogynistic. This is gossip. So misogynistic. This is gossip. Them hens are clucking about how the government made it. Government can't do anything. He's so conservative that he became progressive. He was like, I think the worker should have the powers over the government.

Yeah, now that I think about. Small Soviets controlling a larger government. Been reading a little bit of that Michael Prenti. I'm so glad that my parents don't know how to use the internet. It's fucking the best thing ever. My dad got a Facebook when he first got an iPad, and he made a Facebook page, put a photo up and said, I've seen a hundred, I've seen the first 10 minutes of 100 movies and they're all great and then never posted again.

That's awesome. He's like, I don't even know how to get into that thing. My mom has a Facebook with like no anything on it. My dad doesn't have one, but my mom, like, she would post like, my sister would post something. And then my mom trying to, like, comment on it would just make a status. It was like, hi, Orla. For like two years, my dad's profile picture, have you guys seen taxi driver? Yeah.

So my dad's profile picture was Robert De Niro at the end with the, with the finger guns to his head. And he's bleeding out in the hallway. He's by 52 years. And his bio said the last line that Travis Buckel said, well, Well, not the last line, but one of his famous lines from the Travis Bickle monologue where he says, I'm God's lonely man. Did your dad have a tattoo of a wizard? No, my dad had a tattoo of a lion with a missing eyeball. Oh, hell yeah.

Dude, your dad, like, the fucking taxi driver thing, your dad was like the original, like, the guys that post like a Tommy Shelby meme. Like, yeah. Wait, see what happens when you, like, turn your, I'm loyal until I'm not. Like, I'm like, you know. I guess it's peaky blinding to him. I've never seen that show. It's so good. It's a great joke.

But the memes have ruined it. My dad was like, he like, he would watch like a movie that was written by Paul Schrader or like, he's in his 50s or he would watch like a movie with like a troubled like anti-hero protagonist. And then that would it would again like a guy in college who watches like fear and loathing. He would just make that guy like my dad saw. I told my dad to watch True Detective and like he just like was posting pictures of Rust Cole every day for like. That's sick actually. Because Russ Cole is a. It's a cool character.

But I was like, you have two kids that you don't care. about. You can't, like, this is what you do when you're in college and you're like reading Nietzsche and you're like, yeah, the ointre mention, all this stuff. Like, you, whatever. But like, you're, you, you, this is over. Like, you can't be like, yeah, I relate to this character from the TV. It's like, you are 10 years from retiring.

Like, you can't, so like, my dad would like message me and I would see the message pop up and it would be fucking Robert De Niro like, I'm God's a lonely man or whatever. Or it would be him with his hand over the stove and he's like, there's no more. processed meat. No more food. And he would, he would, like, message me, and he would be like,

you know, they put all types of poison in the hams. And I was like, dude, you got... He's literally smoking crack with like a cigarette behind his hair.

Like, they're putting poison in the spiral. He would, he would piss me the fuck off. He would be like, you know that they've got fluoride in the water. And I was like,

you live in a condemned house. You're like, your bed is just black mold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be like, you know they put fluoride in water and it makes it makes all the men homosexuals and I was like you live in a house

with no running water and you drink Lone Star all day and you smoke free base cocaine so even if they were doing that I think you have other problems that you need to address also can you change your profile picture from the Hulk please

if the fluoride is making people gay I must be the straightest guy in the world because I drank that shit my whole I don't rubble brush my damn teeth it's funny how many things my dad thought was girlie or gay. Like I remember when he got really sick one time when I was little and my mom was like, well, we'll take you to the doctor and he goes, what for them to make me a woman?

He's like, to give me girl medicine? Instead of getting a flu shot, he'd be like, I'll just, you know, drink something healthy. No, you won't. You'll drink 100 Diet Coke. He's like, yeah, it's Diet Coke. He goes, I've had the flu, so I got the antibodies built up already. Yeah, he's like, I had the flu back in 1965. I'll be fine.

Like two years before my dad He got really like In shape He got like really jacked Because what spurred that on Was he was having some like Like minor health problems And so he went

And spent the money To get blood work done And go see by a doctor And he was like text me He's like man you know I'm in my 50s now And I think I'm you know

Time to pay the piper I don't know My liver might be fucked You know my lungs might be fucked You know Just got some weird shit going on And you know He goes gets his blood work done

and he calls me he's like hey I got some great news doctor tells me despite all of it I'm in perfect health my lungs my lungs are completely fine my liver and my pancreas are untouched somehow my kidneys are fine I just got a little bit of high blood pressure so he like loses like he like like loses a bunch of weight and his teeth are falling out or whatever and he and I was like hey man like you know you get into your 50s you should probably quit with the with like the handle of liquor a day and he's like doctor me, I, doctor told me my liver's good. And I was like, the doctor should have told you you were dying. Like, the doctor should have told you like, you're going to drop dead at any second.

Dude, my uncle has really bad Parkinson's and, like, has other illnesses where he can't really drive. Because all the women and my family are such loyal Christian women, my uncle brought a note from the doctor that says he can drive to working back. So all the, my mom and her, all these women go, oh, yeah, Uncle Jim got a doctor's note saying he can still drive. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. it's written in his handwriting. Yeah, they're like, my mom always says, well, you think he just made that note?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, he did. Yes, he made that, because not a doctor in the world. Oh, yeah, you seem shaky. Your eyesight's not too good. No muscle differentiation. Hit the road, big dog. Yeah, get out of here.

You could drive a semi if you wanted to. In the road. Let me put my name on this. Yeah, well, my whole life, my dad, like, same thing would be like, get, like, just drank, smoke forever. And he would just be like, yeah, doctor told me I'm good. And I thought he was just lying the whole time. And then I fucking, I went to the doctor.

her for the first time since I was like 18 like a year ago and I was super honest or like how much alcohol do you drink I was like like 70 to 80 beers a week probably I was like I was like yeah like I'm not even joking like for real and then I was like they're like do you smoke I was like well not anymore but I did smoke a pack a day for 13 years and like I fucking I was just telling them like everything I was like I smoke weed like sometimes I do like other drugs kind of like I don't know when I feel like it yeah and then they were like well this is just this is horrible so I do like every fucking test. And then they just came back and they were like, yeah, everything's perfect and we don't know

how, but you need to stop doing this. I'm like, well, why would I stop? Right, right. They, the funniest. You told me to fix what's not broken. The funniest thing was that they took like my heart rate. They were like, well, do you exercise a lot? And I was like, no.

They're like, you have the heart rate of a marathon ride. Yeah. The resting heart rate. It was like 52 beats per minute. And they were like, what the fuck? And then I went back. Like, they were like, you need to come back for a checkup to make sure that like this isn't like a fluke.

So I went back like six months later. Same exact thing. except my heart rate was even lower. It was like 46 beats per minute. And then they were like, actually, you might have a problem. You got to go see a cardiologist. Went to a cardiologist. He made me run on like a more and more inclined fucking thing.

I'm running on this thing. I'm 20 minutes. I'm pouring sweat now. And I'm like, I finally like, look, he told me I could stop whenever I wanted. And I kind of looked over at him like, yo, like, am I good? He was like, oh, you pass this thing like 12 minutes ago. You're, what is this? A psychology experiment now to see how long I will run on this fucking treadmill?

And he was like, I just can't believe you don't. exercise and that you can do that. That's crazy. And I was like, fuck you, man. I was like, but anyways, your heart's great. I had the same thing. I was having some weird heart palpitations. It just turned out to be like chronic, like stress, like whatever. Stress so bad, your heart wants to kill you.

Literally. But like they did all these blood tests and heart tests. And like I wore a heart monitor for like two weeks. It was like a remote thing. We were drinking together too while you were wearing that. That's because my doctor told me to drink alcohol. No, he didn't. No, listen. He told me, do not change anything about.

We're at Creek. He's like, he's like, he's like doing that dog. Then we order a shot. He has the little, no, he has the little heart monitor

taped onto his chest. Like, science is getting involved in your life. Well, because, have a beer, dude. Well,

because the doctor was like, so we can get an honest reading of like how you live your life. Like, don't change any of your habits. Oh, okay. He didn't tell you to drink alcohol.

You're just like, just don't stop. Don't stop things that you normally do. So I, like, my thing is, I drink and I smoke cigarettes. And I have my thing.

And then, And then I go and I go to the gym for like three hours. And I feel like shed. But like I go anyway. And yeah, the same thing. They were just like, and me and my dad always had this running bit where he was just like, you know, like for the last, you know, my granddad, his granddad. As far as I know, my mom too, they're like every man in the family for the last 100, 150 years has been like the kind of alcoholic where the sheriff gets called. Like in small Texas, like small Texas towns where it's like, we've got this guy in the middle of the road and he's got something.

to say. Oh, Chuck's at it. Yeah. So like, like Mexican standoff, alcoholic, you know what he's like, is he shooting his gun in the air?

They're like, no, he's like, good. That's actually a pretty mile warm. We still got a few minutes to get out there. And so my dad was like, maybe,

you know, like, to the point where I was like Googling, like, can you have like, minor evolutions in your body to be an alcoholic? And as it turns out, yes.

Like, if every male and your family on both, like, like, if people in your family, men and women, like, so long or,

Alcoholics, like, you can have a liver that, like, does recover. You can have kidney, pancreas. Not to say that you can get away with it, but it's like you can, your body is like, god damn, these people are fucking, like. That's so. They're like, like, the sperm has it encoded and it's like fucking source code. It's like, all right, so whenever we get to the egg, we've got to make this liver like fucking bulletin.

Yeah, this liver's got to be nasty. I do this thing I used to call, like, you know, nap time, like, uh, like my nap time medicine. When you worked at the kindergarten. Yeah. One time I saw me. I was about to say, I know what nap time is, dude. You don't got to explain that.

And he came to my house during nap time to buy weed. He's like, I'm working right now, but it's nap time. I was like, that's crazy. He probably shouldn't be a kindergarten teacher. Yeah, yeah. But I used to do, I'd get like two of the voodoo rangers, like the seven to nine. And then I drink them back to back really fast. And I was telling my brother about it.

He's like, dude, I do the same exact thing. I was like, yeah, we didn't invent this. Yeah, oh, yeah. I was like, nap time juice is something that's like in every man's DNA. That's why they have siesta's in almost every European country. Because you get blackout drunk at noon at work and you go, I have to go let down now I have to go. Well, dude, speaking of not inventing shit, so my dad, this is so fucking stupid.

My dad grew up with Dennis Leary. Oh, yeah. Is that a basketball guy? No, he's comedian. Oh, okay. And he fucking is famous for stealing all big Bill Hicks material. Yeah. I would love to do that.

But, yeah, it would be sweet. But so my dad grew up with him and they were both just like drunk Irish guys from Worcester that smoked cigarettes and like said fuck a lot. And my dad was like, he stole my personality and got famous. And I'm like, Dad, you didn't invent being a scumbag. Like, he didn't invent this. But then when I started doing comedy, I found out that he was like an notorious joke stealer. So I told my dad.

And my dad was like, yes. I was like, all comics hate him. He's a fucking scumbag. Your dad's like, make me a facebook. And now in every card I write my dad, birthday, Father's Day, whatever the fuck. I, every time, P.S. fuck Dennis Leery. And he just loves it. He thinks it's so funny.

My, uh, my, my, like, tour guide in Ireland was a guy, traveler of the world, but his parents were Irish. and he grew up in South Boston with and he's like the same age as Dana White or whatever and we were like drinking in in like some small town, Calarney in Ireland maybe and he got drunk and this is all alleged or whatever you know, whatever. This is all like drunken bar talk

or whatever and I was talking about the UFC and he was like, oh yeah, I know the guy that I grew up with the guy that runs it and I was like Dana White and he was like yeah yeah he was just like a bald like balding fucking suck it nuts like simp for the Boston mafia that like hung around and was like can I wash you dishes sir I'll wash you dishes and then he and they were and then like whitey bulger would be like yeah kid you can watch the fucking you can just go down the road and get us some fucking clean you and put

or something you know and then Dana did that until he racked up like 20,000 dollars worth of debt to like the fucking what were they called the woodhill gang or whatever yeah yeah yeah something like that and then they were like hey if you know you don't get out of Boston we're going to break you fucking kneecaps and he was just like Oh, no, no, it's not like that. And they're like, no, it's like that. You know, you ran errands for us, and then you racked up like $30,000 in Vietnamese poker rooms.

So we're going to kill you. So he just goes to Vegas with, like, all of his winnings and then just buys the UFC, and then now he's just Dana White. That's, I've also heard basically a similar story, but the story I heard was that he had a boxing gym in South Boston and the like, Whitey Bulger, whatever, the fucking came through and we're like,

you owe us money. Like, yeah. And he was just like, no, fuck that. and then he moved to Vegas and started the UFC but basically the same fucking story. Never cleared his debt with the Winter Hill game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, too, this is so funny.

My friends, they were like my neighbors growing up or whatever and they were fucking, they were all Jehovah's Witnesses, which makes this funnier. But what they, like, they were like real, like their grandpa's, like from Italy, so they're like, we're all Italian and they're from the north end of Boston, south end of Boston's Irish north is Italian. And he was like, yeah, Whitey Bulger was a fucking pussy.

He would never come through our fucking neighborhood, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, yeah, he liked to fuck little boys and shit. And I was like, yo, what? That's crazy. I was like, also there's like so many like

documentaries, movies. The movie, like the Johnny Debt movies out where he's like, he gave away your family's recipe for nothing. If he was fucking kids, I'm pretty sure that would have been

in the movie, but like, maybe not, I don't know. But it's so funny for like a very, like a very like stand up nice, like Jehovah's Witness to be like,

whitey bulge would have never came to my neighbor. I think he would have and killed you. I think, but he would have knocked on his door and told, them Jesus isn't God.

That's what you would have done. The departed was like, like Jack Nicholson's character was. Yeah, loosely based. Yeah, loosely based on White Eve, which is like, like, uh, my, our tour guy too, like, uh, knew the Walberg brothers. They grew up like a street away from each other. Oh, fuck yeah. And he was always, we were like, oh, you know, like, he was South Boston Irish.

His parents were Irish. And then his like, I don't know, grandparents like South African. He'd been all over the world. And he was like, yeah, I moved away. I moved out of Southie because, like, your options were like, be a Catholic Irish wigger or like or like get involved with the Winter Hill gang

or work or goodwill hunting which is like work construction and then hope your friend is good at math yeah that you could just never happen fiction fiction it's like tossing cars in front of them can you count them boy yeah yeah going up to people being like it's not your fault

he was just like yeah you know like growing up out there you know it's like you know, you got three options. It's like, you're like a wigger that beats up Vietnamese guys, you know, Walberg brothers. Or you run money and do bookie shit for Whitey at the time, you know, Dana.

Or, you know, you what's the other thing? Come up a priest or someone? Yeah, you molest kids. And I was like, that's like, that's like, I'm from like South Houston where it's like your options are like, you go work in the plants or you sell drugs for like a guy who says he knows the cartel

but he's just a fat Mexican that you play. blocks with. Drives an old catalach truck. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He drives like an old, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old fucking, yeah, the Escaladeleck truck.

Or you move away and then you just tell everyone that you're from Houston but not from the part that like you're actually from or whatever, which is I think it's just like any working class neighborhood like they just produces three kinds of three or four kinds of people where it's like, oh yeah. Like, because there was so many white dudes I knew that were like, you know, Malibu's most wanted guys is the term I use because I think. the W word has been removed. It's been taken from us.

I thought you were claiming it to take the power out. I tried and I failed. I do love that America has Catholic Irish wiggers. When racist people don't like the melting pot, I'm like, yeah, some of your coolest guys are actually a result of the melting pot. Some of your most honest racist soldiers are there because they are Catholic Irish wiggers, which is not traditionally. None of those things were from America initially.

Mark Wahlberg is a Catholic Irish wigger. Yeah. Like before he started playing in movies where he was either a Navy SEAL or a construction worker or on the 9-11 plane, and he gave monologues like, yeah, you know, your pressure valve's fucked up and your airplanes fucked up, but I can fix it. I can do anything. And then he's proven right, and then he gets assassinated at the end or whatever. Before he was that, he was Marky Mark. Him and his brother were like, you know, the fucking new kids on the block or whatever. Like. Yeah, then Marky Mark and the funky bunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, how does that not make you love the melting pot? I go, yeah, man. We mix in heat. Yeah, well, although, like, it's funny to be, because you get the same experience where I'm from in South Houston where it's like, I know a lot of guys who are racist who call each other the soft day inward. And that's kind of the like, you're like, like, I grew up around guys that are just like, yeah, they're no good. I don't want to live next to them, but I will dress like them and listen to their music and talk like them. I remember returning like 1920 here and finding out that most people think that Mexican can't say it. That was so weird for me.

And I was like, no, Mexicans can say it. And they're like, no, they can't. I was like, well, they do. Yeah. Have you ever known a Mexican before? They've been doing it. Yeah. For quite some time.

When I can't, like, moving from South Houston to Austin, I was like, I know I can't. I was, my hood pass was revoked the moment I left, you know, Harris County. If you're asking me, Jake, did you ever say the soft end word? Seventh through 10th grade, I was letting it rip. I love when guys pretend like they didn't say that. Yes. You didn't listen to music when you were in high school? Oh, I wrapped it, but I didn't say it.

Well, I said it as a fun joke. sometimes. Yeah, but I wasn't like calling my friends it. I was just, you know, sometimes I'd say it's just to be fun. I love meeting other people from where I grew up and they're like, yeah, no, I never ever said it. And I was like, bro. You weren't listening to Zero or Tray the Truth and just like, I'm a gangster from having,

ever since I was 11, I've been in a fella in the street. Like you've never, you've never let it see. Everyone's done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My opinion is still, if you bought the CD, if you paid for the music, Spotify doesn't count. Tax? Yeah.

If you bought the CD, it's like, you can say it if you're alone. If you're singing along alone and you paid for the CD. But if you rip the CD, if it's on Spotify, if you put it on on YouTube, you did not. You did not. You didn't earn the right. No. My favorite is like super fucking, like hood white dudes from like Florida that are just like actually valid in the streets that. Just say the N-word all the time.

And everyone's like, yeah, that's cool. Oh, who's that guy, like, his name's like Ginger Lee or something. He's a Dallas version of that. I love that when he did that song. He's like, you know, do something. and make some moves about it. Oh, yeah, he's, yeah, I think he's from Missouri. You're talking about the big that's just like,

he's literally got a rap song. It's like, yeah, I said it. Let's get active. Yeah, let's get active. Well, he, it wasn't this past year, but the year before, he got in like a, like a fist fight on 6th Street with another rapper over, like, say, in the N-Ward, like it, during South by Southwest. That's so funny to me.

Oh, I remember one time South by Southwest, the 2-9 crew came to Sidebar. I mean, I bet 2-9 was only big because Vince Staples minceded him in a song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But 2-9 went to Sidebar. and fought some of the Coke dealers out front. Hell yeah. I thought that was hilarious. Yeah, I love, like, the heyday of buying drugs at Sidebar,

you like, the types of guys you'd buy Coke from in, like, 2017 were just, like, you would sit down to the table and then, like, a guy in a Columbia, a puffy vest would sit across from you. He'd be like, hey, man, I'm Tanner. So, like, Colin told me you're trying to get, like, an eight ball, like, super chill. So, like, I'll be straight with you. Like, it is re-rock. It's, like, it's 180.

but like if you want something a little stepped on like I can do like 140 and you're like you get accustomed to that kind of bargaining and then and then like you go like a month later and a guy says are crossing you it's just the biggest black dude you've ever seen he's like is 220 and you're like him and I do coke every day so like I know it's not that no like $220 and you're like oh I'm not good at bargaining I'm good at bargaining with like white guys who like shouldn't be selling cocaine because they're software development. for Oracle, but they just do it for some reason, you know what I mean? But then the guy's like 220 for the eight ball and you're like, all right. Dude, I just remember the funniest thing. I was buying crack outside the arch one time. Yeah, yeah. Go into sidebar. I was going to, oh, I'll buy some crack real quick. So me and two of my buddies walk up to one of the, because he used to just... They used to have an open-air drug market right there for crack. The guys would have it in their mouth. And so I was like, oh, I'll buy two little rocks from you for 20 bucks.

So I gave him 20 bucks and he gave me one rock. And I was like, this isn't out. He's like, get out of here, man. And I was like, this isn't it. And he's like, get out of here, man. And I started yelling and pressing them being like, you don't have to fucking swallow your whole mouth, just screaming at him. And he finally gave me the second rock. I swear to fucking God, one of my buddies was like, so that's actually white privilege. And I was like, yeah, let's smoke this crack and talk about the white privilege I just used to buy. That's so funny. And you know what?

I agree, buddy. That's so funny. I used my white privilege to make this guy sell me the crack that he agreed to sell me. Right, yeah. I made this, I used white privilege to make this black homeless man sell me the right amount of crack cocaine for the correct price of moon. I remember one time I saw a cop out there, you know, they're not doing it. Because if you go up to them, they'll just swallow the crack. Like, they'll just swallow the crack.

I saw a cop out there, and so I thought someone was going down, and I was sitting outside where, you know, the creek is, like on the corner right there watching. So what I thought was going to happen. Then one of the crack dealers punches a woman, and the cop doesn't do anything. Cop just, cop is like, yeah, this is just crack dealing, man. It's just a part of the game This is just a part of the game Well dude last time I did I did a secret group in Houston Like a year ago or whatever

And we were like should we like get coke or whatever And you know how there's like the club like on the other side So I went in there and I just looked around And there's a guy in like a fucking crazy like print tight shirt With like a chain and like rings and fucking whatever And jelled hair I was like yeah that guy obviously sells coke So I went up to him and I was like hey man like

You know could I and he was like what? No I don't fucking sell coke And I laughed and I went then why the fuck are you dressed like that. I thought he was going to be pissed. He was pretty big dude, and he just started pissing himself laughing. And he was like, you come over from the comedy club? And I was like, yeah, I did, actually. I did. I was like, did. Did he sell you coke? No, he didn't have it. He was like, I legitimately don't sell coke. And I was like, you're dressed like a Coke dealer, like what are you? He's on some pickup artist of the game shit. He was dressed as like a hack Coke dealer. That's like, that's like the guys that dress like they're in sons of anarchy.

You know what I mean? Don't have a motorcycle. I was talking to my wife about the motorcycle gangs, and I was like, it's so funny that, like, most of them are actual gangsters still. It's so funny to me because I'm like, most of these guys that got involved in motorcycle gangs these days, they're sons of anarchy fans. In fact, I know there's a motorcycle game in Austin that Pat Dean from Velve worked at, I think it was Zumi's with one of the guys who just always rode a scooter to work was just like a normal guy,

watch sons of anarchy and was like, that's me. Bought a motorcycle, started a club, and he's like, I watched him go from like, yeah, I'm a guy that sells T-shirts to like, yeah,

I'm a gangbanger in like a dangerous organization. That's so funny. I went to high school with this guy. Friends with him, we skateboarded together, you know, and obviously when you're like skateboarding together, you're very like,

fuck like the establishment and all that shit. And then he became like a motorcycle guy, which like kind of tracks, you know. And he was like, he like became like the president of his club. that was like affiliated with the Hells Angels but like wasn't the Hells Angels and then he like was like actually like

in the Hells Angels I think at one point but now he's just like a staunch Republican online and I'm like weren't you like super anti-establishment for the past 28 years and now you're just 32 like yeah dude so the government's good actually like what happened to you

that's so funny I'm like you were like an outlaw like last week and now you're just doesn't make any fucking sense oh Word. All right, I'm gonna post that. Yeah, good dog, dude, good choice. So excited for the Jiu-Jitsu gym by my house.

I'm gonna start doing Muay again for the first time in over 10 years. Nice. I, uh, during COVID, I started going to my friend's house. Do you know Dax, um, Varga? No. He was on, uh, Chuck Lydell's team. Chuck Lydell? Oh, yeah, yeah. And he taught at South Austin Gym for a while.

Oh, yeah. And he, um, the thing is, is like, He's an academic where he's like, his master's was how to, how to get stronger and a faster punch. And, like, his entire master's is, like, what exercises you need to focus on to generate more power in your punch and more speed. Yeah. So, like, he really does know what he's talking about. Uh-huh. Absolutely Rick and Morty goofball.

Of course. So many guys didn't take him seriously. Yeah, yeah. Like, Toby hated him. And, like, all the other, none of the guys took him seriously at all. And he was such a proficient fighter. So during COVID, I was like, oh, you know, he was like $20 an hour to train with me in my garage. And I was like...

Easy, squeeze you. Yeah. So me and my wife, I was like, yeah, you should do moitai with me. It'll be fun. Yeah, I'll take one more. The problem is I'd go over and he would just want to show me, like, stuff on his phone and cartoons and we'd talk. And then we'd train for like 15, 20 minutes. Yeah. But that was the first time I tried to do moit Thai since I got fat. And it is not the same.

It is so funny. Bringing your hips up for a normal kick. Hell yeah. Thank you so much. The camera died, so I just put a new battery in, but we should be good for a little while. Is the, like, the opposite experience. Because when I was skinny, I was like, oh, it's hard, but you get it. really quickly.

You learn how to kick really quickly. I cannot kick as a fat guy. Yeah, maybe. Your hips are tight. The hips get tight. It is so different. It's so funny.

Still fat too. But I'm going to start doing moitai again for the first time. I love moirtee. My coach asked me every like three weeks. He goes, he's his hard-ass dude from Brazil where like he grew up in the favelas, had a gym in Brazil. He trained like professional,

Wente guys like from one. He had a couple UFC dudes under his belt from a long time ago, right? moves to America classic kind of like poor when you're like poor in the favelas but you're poor in America and he's like

he obviously doesn't understand the concept like the concepts of absolute relative poverty are crazy to him so he's like he's like here I can he's like brother here I can work two five job crazy life beautiful home beautiful home crazy life

nobody try kill me nobody try to kill me nobody try stab, kill me, kill why. Although these are the guys that people are like, he's lazy immigrants. I can work five jobs. Dude, he is one of the lazy ones, too.

He's really, he's really, I want to work five jobs, bro? Dude, shout out fucking Dinah and Wai. Like, he'll always say, like, the fight, I'm a part of the fight team there, and it's like, I don't really compete, but I can fight, like, South Paul in Orthodox, and I know, like, enough jitsu to get by, and so I'm basically just, like, a living. You guys have Dino Jiu Jitsu, too.

I see them on TikTok where they do those challenges, tap me, and I'll pay for your stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's David, the guy that was the gym. I love those challenges. He's so awesome. Wait, what do they pay for if you have him? The whole tuition. Yeah.

Oh, that's fucking sick. He goes to Texas State and he's like, if you can tap me up here, tuition. He's like a crazy good, like that's wild. Anyway, uh, sometimes, you know, like, he'll talk about like, when I don't show up, he's like, how, why you know, show up? Why, I, why, you know, you train every day, six months and I don't see you two months. And I'm like, well, I'm a comic. And it's like, my lifestyle is not really conducive. I'm 32.

And he's, he'll, he'll be like, you know. know, American, like, you know, you have job, you know, but in Brazil, the only thing you have is fight. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, but I was like, can I be 100%? And I'm proud to be an American. Can I keep it a bill with you?

Like, you got, you live in a shed outside of the gym and, uh, you eat like, uh, good, like good homemade food and it's like a dollar. Like here, like, all the people that are fighting are like, yeah, I just got like a fourth. job working for Amazon and I train at night and it's like I was like you're trying to get a 19 year old kid to commit 50 hours a week to being a kickboxer when like he should just be homeless like you got like I totally understand him like not understanding American lifestyle he's like you have everything you know you can work six job and fight back home Brazil you what you work no job at people kill each other and then and then maybe sometimes you fight at night and Thailand

same thing and it's like I kind of think you guys have it better in a way because it's like In America, it's like, oh, you do kickboxing. That's cool. Rents do. And you live in an apartment with seven guys and half of them are heroin addicts. You know what I mean? And you're like, so I'll like, we'll do like a cultural exchange where he's like, oh, so like in America like, you know, car insurance, car payment like utility bill. And I'm like, yeah, all that stuff.

And he's like in Brazil, no utility. You just live in, you just live outside. One time when I was training at Hino, Nicholas Margoli asked me what my. goal with jujitsu was oh yeah i was like this yeah just kind of doing it i was like i don't think i have a shot of making it pro but i love when a i love when a younger kid who's like on his way up with the like the local circuit will be like uh oh do you compete and i'm like no man i'm 32 and they're like oh i thought you were younger but like that's not old and i'm like do you know the 32 in combat sports years is like what's that retirement that meme about the NFL it's like

the oldest player in the league the oldest wide receiver ever sitting in the NFL, Mr. Jamal Trayvon from L.A., 26 years old. Yeah, yeah. Like, like, or the oldest point guard in NBA history, 33 years old. I told you I went, uh, when I was in Thailand, I went to like Rajan Dern stadium. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, whatever it's called. I've, I've definitely butchered it, but it was sick.

It was awesome. And it was like fucking $9 to get in and the beers were like three bucks. And that was like super expensive for Thailand. I was like, ooh, $3 beers, nice. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so expensive there. Drink before you go. I was like, I think I'll be.

fine. I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink before I go, and during and after. But it was sick. But dude, like, at one point I was like, is this legal? It was like a 15-year-old fighting a 20-year-old? Like, most of the kids were like... So sick.

You'll have, like, a 195-pound fat Thai guy fighting like a 14-year-old. It's a screaming. It's like a screaming arena, a 20-year-old fighting a 14-year-old. And I'm like, this is actually fuck. I had, like, front-row seats. They were like $20. It was like so cheap. And it was sick, but I was like, oh, this kid, this is a little.

this is whole life. He's 15. He's probably been doing this since he was four. And he's, and there, dude, almost every fight ended in just a knockout leg kick. And I was like, oh, yeah, that happens. These good dudes just getting carried out of the ring by, you can't walk. And I saw like two dudes get, like, knocked out. And, like, like, eight fights. Like, actually knocked out.

And then the other six were just, he got kicked in the leg so many times, so hard. Then he was like, I can't walk or stand. Kiki boxing. You was Kiki boxing. Yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. Like, another thing that I've realized, like, training with dudes from Brazil and guys from Thailand

and then dudes from Eastern Europe is like how I have my own theory and one of the reasons why like a lot of the new MMA guys in the UFC aren't as good or can't break into the top five and like the lightweight division is because I think a lot of these guys have been falling victim to like

health optimization guru shit because like dude you train with a dude from Brazil who has you Google his kickboxing or his boxing his MMA record or his Valetudo record and he's like 208 and 40 and you're like like, oh, he's lost 40 times, but he's won 208 times. You're like, what the fuck?

And then you're like, what's your, like, your diet plan or whatever? And he's like, oh, about 5,000 calories of lamb leg per day. And then 18 beers and two packs of filterless lucky strikes. And you're like, dude, in America, everyone's like, here's like 10 secrets to optimize your fighting ability. One, high altitude, oxygen training. Two, lean salmon. And it's like, every guy I meet from Thailand is like, yeah, I've had 500 fight. I've had 500 fight.

And then like he's saying that is he's doing it. he's ripping a Marlboro Light in one breath. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've had 500 fight and also before, I'm like, what's your, what's your like weight-cutting routine before fighting? He's like, oh, sing-tow. Yeah, sing-tow karaoke. Do you have my favorite thing after like a two-hour open mat is like when you have like two beers and a cigarette? And you're the drunkest you've ever been in your whole life.

It's like doing heroin, dude. It's like making eyes with the other fat guys on the mats and being like, you guys want to have two beers and a cigarette. Like we're bad fucking people. I'm too much of a pussy for that shit, dude. I've been like, oh, I should, like, go to a jiu-sidim or, like, train Muay. And then I just think back to, like, getting in fights in Massachusetts as, like, a teenager. And I'm like, oh, I'm really bad at that. And I hate being punched in the face.

I don't like it. Moyetai, like, nine months, right? It was, like, 15, or 12 years ago, whatever. I stopped because, you know, doing drills and doing normal light sparring or whatever. I went to a class one time. I was super, super hungover. Super, super hungover. And there's only one other guy there.

So the coach was, like, this, like, you know, 18, 19-year-old guy, incredible kickboxer was like oh you guys just get in the ring i thought we were going to do lights barring nope no we did an actual fight and the guy lit me up so much i went outside threw up for like 15 minutes yeah i didn't go back to that gym and it was south austin so it's like yeah the yeah the shot yeah yeah in my last three months i just canceled my debit card never walked in there again dude yeah like kickboxing isn't for me i get hit in the face and i want to piss myself in massachusetts there's like two like social currencies and it's being tough or being funny and fucking

and I tried to be tough I was like yeah I'm a tough guy and I got in like 12 fights in high school and lost 11 of them and I was like you know what I'm pretty funny I was like I'm not tough never needed to be tough baby

I've never needed to be I've been doing white ties since I was like 15 like off and on mostly on and I've trained a long time and I did compete I've had a handful of fights right and the thing that people ask me is they're like why didn't you ever like go pro

or whatever. And because like, I'll go to new gyms and they're like, you know, not too, my own hormone. Like, man, you're good, dude. Like, what are you? Oh, you 32? Like, what, you know, were you training? Like, were you competing in your early 20s?

And I was like, no, no, I found about this really cool thing called speedballing. And like, I remember, like, I have to, I hate John Jones because he's like a wife beating asshole. But, dude, one of the things that I like really envy about, because I had a couple of guys I trained with under Toby at East Side of M.A. That we would go out, dude, on the east side. We would go to Yellow Jacket. We'd get drunk,

coaked up. We'd party. And then 6 a.m. to be texting me. They're like, hey, we're going on a five-mile run. Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm jacking off on my phone. Yeah. I'm jacking off on my phone. Personally, I've never been on a five-mile run in my life. They're like, hey, dude,

bro, fight camp. And I'm like, you know how many times I've tried to come? I've been trying to come since 4 a.m. It's nine. And I've been, I need to come soon so I can go to sleep because I have to be at work in two hours.

Yeah, You're like my dick's bent off the whole time. Yeah. Do you have ads for jujitsu retreats? I get ads from white tie retreats. Dude, I get, I'm no disrespect to, you know, anyone that wants to do that.

But I'm like, this seems like you want to gay cheat on your wife. Because it's like, you can do jujitsu at home. You can go to gyms where pros and gym. But it's like, yeah, I'm going to go to the woods with a bunch of mid-level jujitsu guys.

And then we're going to like live in the woods for a couple days in train. It's like, brother, you can just do that. It's the same thing when girls do like their, like their girls weekend trips to Miami where like some of them cheat on their husbands

and the other ones they just like they drink a bunch of box wine and like getting to fights with bouncers. I think the closest thing to that is like going on a Muay Thai trip with your friends and the guy that you, one of them ends up saying, getting so drunk that he's like,

I think I'm gay and you're like, oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's the best way to your bro. I'm out. Good one, man. Classic Ryan, am I right? And then he starts crying and you're like, oh, fuck. Dude, one of my best friends, we live together for like eight years.

We're like in college during college or before college, during college, after college. He's one of our roommates. He's got a beautiful husband now. They live. They're rich gay guys. Like, you know, but he calls me like maybe six months into COVID when you could get a gallon of margaritas for $10 from like any Texan next place. Such a good time. And I was on, I was one of the lucky guys that was on super unemployment.

So I was getting paid 900 a week to like watch avatar and like play with my balls. So anyway, he calls me, it's like, dude, it's like midnight, and I can tell he's been drinking. And he would do this thing where he would call me at midnight to settle an argument about some kind of political thing because he knew that that was my thing or some kind of UFC thing where he was like, hey, who was that fighter? And I would be like, oh, Anderson Silva, he'd hang up the thought. Anyway, he calls me and he was like, Jakers, which was my nickname for him. He goes, Jacobs, I'm going to tell you. I'm like, okay. And I'm in my car smoking cigarettes and drinking listening to Stone Tip of Pilots, just alone.

Classic. You know, and he was like, Jay goes, I'm going to tell you. And I was like, yeah, no worries, man. Let me put you on, let me put you on the Bluetooth real quick. And I'm at my car. I'm drinking, smoke cigarettes. And my now fiancee was inside cooking us dinner. And he goes, hey, man, I'm gay.

And I was like, fucking fag. Like, you know, like you, ha, ha, ha. Because we would always do that to each other where we would get real somber. And I would be like, hey, man, I got something to tell you. I was, I got molested and anything. I'm gay. And then he'd go like, and then he go, ah, you know, whatever. And, uh, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I was like, dude, you're really like,

committing to this. Like, you're like, I like, I almost believe me. Yeah. And then like, dude, by the fourth time, he was like, I'm a gay guy. I fuck guys in the ass and I'm gay. And I was like, I love you. I love you so much. Why did you wait to tell me? And he was like, I don't know.

And then I told, I told J.T. this for like a month after you come out, this is so wholesome. I know it's like maybe a little bit problematic, but he was like texting us and he was like, Hey man, like our group chat, our boys group chat. He's like, hey guys, I just want you guys know. Like, please don't stop saying things are gay or like call me fag if I piss you off. Because, like, that would really make me like not comfortable with coming out. Yeah, that's sick. In fact, can we beat up a gay guy?

Yeah. In fact, can we go to a gay bar and like beat up a flamboyant dude just to like show him how you can really live? Dude, he said like a nine paragraph text. It was like, hey, I really appreciate you guys. Like, I know you guys like would love me no matter what. And you guys are my best friends. We're like, dude, we love you. Like, you didn't need, like, you coming out to us, like, doesn't change anything.

Like, we're your friends, but he was like, but I just want you guys to know that, like, I don't want you guys to stop being like, hey, quit being a fag about the money. Like, just, it's cool. We can get the Airbnb together. Like, don't, I don't want you guys to change the way you talk to me. So we had, we made a separate group chat without him, not despite him, but to be like, to talk about the politics of language. Yeah, like, when can we? Yeah, right, right, right. I was like, okay, so Zach is gay.

And I love Zach's my homie. And they were like, yeah, Zach's my homie. And I was like, but he's saying that he doesn't want us to stop calling him gay and fag. And they were like, yeah, we're having a really hard time figuring that out. Yeah, they were like, well, like, when is it okay? Like if he says something about sucking a dick, we can't be like fagg? Yeah, but if he's like, I actually think like, I don't even fucking know. I thought I have such good opinions.

I can even pretend to have a good one. If he goes, I think cold plays good. You're like fagg? Yeah, dude, he was like, he grew up rich and he's one of those rich guys where it's like, if you guys go out he buys you a beer. He sends you a Venmo request the next day for like four bucks. That's crazy. Yeah.

I love him to death, but he's the cheapest, one of the cheapest bastards of all time. So, like, that was, we were all talking. We were like, okay, so if he says he fucked his boyfriend in the ass, can't say gay. But if he sends you a Venmo request for an Uber that you all took the night before to go to his favorite bar, which is off McNeil Road, 30 minutes from where we grew up, then we're calling him faggit, right? Like, like, we're all right. Hey, man, you got to quit being a fag and asking us for money or whatever. Do you know what's so funny is when my buddy came out, another, like, you know, gay guy that isn't, like, culturally gay, doesn't have the voice or anything. My immediately said, yeah, I could always tell.

And he was like, no, you couldn't. I was like, now everyone knew. That's the bit I did for a year. That's so funny. Yeah, dude, everyone knew Ryan's been gay since we've known him. Yeah, I had a buddy that came out. He was a year older than me. He was, like, just graduated high school as a senior.

He, like, told me he was gay, but, like, it was, like, weird. Like, I got in the car, and it was, like, two guys are you? Like, just tell him. Just tell him. like no I don't want to tell him whatever and at the time I was like selling a lot of of weed so I thought he like pinched my bag or something I was like what the fuck like what the fuck like what the fuck and what like what are you what are you gonna fucking tell me he was like he he was like also he came out as bye because he didn't want to say he was gay but he was gay

and he was like I'm like bye and I was like you like you like I'm hooked up with the dude and then I'm gay I'm fucking gay I'm gay I'm fucking gay and then I just like laughed and I was like oh yeah that makes sense he's like why I was like you've never caught a lighter any time I've ever thrown it to you you fucking go like oh oh what I'm throwing you Dude, every time of shadow box in front of you? You've gone to the other room. And then he was like, and he was like a pretty good looking guy. He's like tall and like handsome.

And then he was like, so you're like not mad? I was like, no, dude, more chicks for me. Well, the fucking movie. Or we're always all hanging out. Why would I ever? I've eliminated one tall, handsome guy from the group. That's good for me. He'll go longer become an option.

Same with Zach because we would go out and Zach, like, Zach's, like, Zach's dad was like worth like all this money. He grew up in like a rich part of Dallas and he was like, Road crew went to a private school He looked like the Winklevoss twins And fucking social network And after he came out I was like dude honestly

Easy squeasy for a guy like me I've got one less six foot plus guy That's yeah Exactly like that I have to be like When a girl comes up and like The group of girls meets the group of guys And we're all bullshit at the bar And we're like

Mmhmm okay mm-hmm Like there's one guy in the group Which is he doing I'm like but he sucks penis Yeah he's gay Not even for money or drugs like me Yeah, just for the love of the game For the pure love of the game This guy's the gayest guy

This guy's sucking dick Not in like a fucked up uncle way I know, like for fun Like just what he's about Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, that uh Dude Like

Finding out That Your friend group is like Like I don't know There's all this stuff about like Oh like guys you know Like I've heard my fiance Say like guys have such shallow friendships

Like you don't know anything about each other. It's like, no. Like, what happens is like, a guy you've known for 10 years is like, I'm gay and you're like, I don't care about it at all. I'm very proud of you. I love you, man. And then, um, you proceed to give him

a new nickname, which is just like, whatever his name is plus gay in front of it. Yeah. And that's the nicest thing you could do for him. You know, you're not going to be like, you're not going to talk to him like a dog. You're not going to be like, congratulations. And congratulations, Tom the bottom. Oh, my God.

I do love, like, every guy I know that's come out. One of your friends always ask, like, so which one are you? They want to ask if you're the boy or their girl, but now they know top or bottom, so they ask. And every single bottom gets mad defensive, but every single top is like, I'm a fucking dog. No, dude, I fuck them. Me?

Yeah, I'm crushing fucking butts, dude. Yeah, I like, I don't know any of the, um, my, actually's best friend. is him and his husband like we'll go go hang out with them and we'll go like gay bar hopping and I learn it's like I feel like I'm like

what's the term like a ethnographer where an ethnographer will go and immerse himself into a culture and to try to track all the ethics yeah sure you try to Jake's got a spreadsheet you're an anthropologist at gay bars too

he's dressed like he's on a safari I was a notepad just fucking I think I told you about this JT but we were like hanging out with them and we were like hopping the gay bars and uh they had this bottle of poppers with them and i was like pass that shit over here dude i love inhalant so let's get fucked up and uh they hand me the bottle and i look at the bottle and it's a pig wearing a leather jacket and the name brand of the poppers is pig sweat sick and the boyfriend of my my fiance's best friend like grabbed my shoulder and because he knows that i'd like i have a bad sense of humor

and i fuck around whatever he goes i just want to let you know there are better brand names because i was like pig sweat ugh and he was like they've got some called rush and like fun time pig sweat is kind of yucky i will say it's we don't like this one but we got he's like but it is the best one it is literally the best one yeah yeah and i was like because the whole time i'm whiffing it and i was like dude i'm out here huffing pig sweat getting drunk of shit with my boys and they're like can you stop can you stop saying you pig sweat like whose sweat is this yours fucking yeah yeah uh fuck jesus christ i have what time is it

310 i've band practice at 4 30 real quick i worked with this guy at fucking no we know we know we're good we're good i didn't make sure what time was and uh there i i got on this new team at work right and they were like oh yeah like darren and what so-and-so some chick stephani have really bad problems i was like why i'm like well we went out to drink one night and then darren told this story that made everyone really mad i was like what is it like turns out what he likes to do is go to like gay sex festivals and be tied up to a tree and blindfolded.

He has a no load refused butthole but apparently they did it so bad that, or so many guys did it so hard in a row. He had to go to a hospital and get a special surgery and Stephanie's a Christian. That's so awesome. I was like, well, so Darren seems fucking awesome. Also, imagine hearing that story and then just going,

I'm pissed. I don't know. I'd be like, that's crazy, dude. What the fuck? You what? I can't handle this type of fucking tomfoolery. I refuse. Yeah.

I like, when I first moved to Austin, I, like, I was like progressive for where I grew up, but I was not like, when I moved to Austin, I was like not like a progressive person. Yeah, you were like, there's two genders, but you can fuck whoever you want. Take it easy. And so like I made, I quickly, I went to St. Ed's. and there's St. Ed's St. Edwards University and has a nickname that closet in the hilltop where like people from very like oppressed

or repressive places come and they get to like women and women like get to be out or whatever and they call it the closet on the hilltop that's the nickname of the university anyway I only bring that up because I literally like drove my 1998 Crown Victoria with everything I ever owned to Austin

moved into the dorm and I was like yeah guys you're fine but I didn't know the different loadouts of gay guys. And so when we were like going to bars and like like hopping bars, we went to the Iron Bear and it was a bunch of welders in there. And like that's a great name for like a blue color gay bar. That's what it is.

And it's like a bunch of welders in there and bikers. And I was like, this is a gay bar? And one of the guys who went out was like, yeah, this is my favorite one. And I was like, none of these guys didn't hear it gay. And he was like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, gay guys are like 5.3 and like they don't have any hair. First of all, they're short. I know that.

What's going on with the twink economy in Austin? And then I legitimately had like that gif of a, like, little Yadi and Drake were little Yolly's like, I had one of those moments where we were all like sitting down at the bar and my friend, he lived in the same dorm with me. He was like, okay, Jake, I know your background. I just want you let you know. So gay guys are people. And I was like, huh?

And he was like, people have different personality. Right? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, so what is a gay guy to you? And I was like, uh, twink. That's the only type of gay guy there is. That, I'm so sorry. That's a small, like some gay guys work on oil rigs and they shoot guns and they drive motorcycles. And I was like, no, no, those guys are straight. They eat pussy. Yeah, you're like, no, sex shops on oil rigs. What? I was like, no. There's no such thing as a gay guy with a beard that's like, I fucking squat 15, 100 pounds. And they're like, no, actually, those. Those guys kind of run the scene. And then I was like, no, the only gay guy is like a Filipino guy who wears like a pink shirt that says, I'm gay. And they were like, please. Gay boy.

A pink shirt that says I'm gay is the funniest thing. And I was like, no. And they were like, hey, so you know how like lesbians, there's lesbians who are like, you know, they wear flannel shirts and they've got the super trooper haircut. And I'm like, yeah. I think, like, you know, there's lesbians that are like, they're into, like, spells and they dress like normal women. And I'm like, yeah, they're like, so gay guys are the same. And I couldn't wrap my like Christian conservative brain around it because I had come to accept. I was like, yeah, gay guys are fine.

There's only one type. And you can tell they're gay. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, there's no such thing as a guy that's like, hey, how's it going? My name is big, I see Mike. I am a pot fitter out in the Gulf of Mexico and I fuck guys in the ass.

You're like, he doesn't have a penis in his mouth? What the hell? I met my husband at a pottery studio. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You guys don't understand your own culture. You're like, let me son you real quick. Yeah, yeah. Let me show you, let me put you on game really fast.

Dude, when I first moved here, I do a show at New Movement, now Fallout. I go to Iron Bear. I was like 19 years old. Yeah, here. And I'm a fat bearded guy. And a guy starts talking to me and tells me I'm the most beautiful man he's ever met in his life. Bys me a picture of beer. And I was like, oh, I'm a fat bearded guy.

okay, this is a pretty confusing time for me. This is the nicest anyone's ever been to me. And I think he wants to fuck me. And I was just going through my way. I'm like, can I get fucked? I could live like this. I love this feeling. Also, you're like, is this how girls feel at bars?

You're like, do I have to fuck this guy now? I don't fucking. Dude, that, that, look at my face. Nick, the clipper, zoom in right fast. This face, when I go like this, this load out, the long hair, high cheekbones kind of baby face, if I go to any bar called like the locker, room with my day friends.

I'm getting shots bought for me. You know what I mean? People are like, what do you do for work? I'm like, I'm like, I'm like comedian or whatever. And blah,

blah, blah, blah. Like so in the arts. Yeah, yeah. Something is you where I'm like, my God,

this community is so nice. They're like, I love it here. Oh my God. I went to the, when I was in West Hollywood, I just told this one the other day. I was doing a scene up in California.

I stayed right next to the Chapel Rhone pink pony club. Like the, it's called the Abbey. And I went there alone and I was like drinking. And then I told people where I was at And they were like, why would you ever go there? People get date raped there And I was like, no one's date raping me.

And they were like, Jake, with your lips and your smooth skin, they will turn your shit out. You're a little treat. I was like, no one, I was like, brother, I know how to throw them. And they're like, there are gay guys in L.A. Who will beat the brakes off of you? And in my mind, I was like, no, gay man's beat my ass. But not possible.

Impossible. But you realize you're like, no, gay guys, just dead, just that. And it's funny, we've talked about this where it's like, you're a progressive person. but you come from such a regressive society where you're like, yeah. It's built in. It's built in.

It's your presets. People are like giving you. They're like the matrix. They're uploading new knowledge to the back of your head. And you're rejecting it. And then some, like when Morpheus, he's like,

is this air you're breathing now? It's just a gay guy being like, is those balls you're sucking right? You're like, no, there's no gay guy that can beat me up. All gay guys are five foot three Filipinos. They've got a shirt on it says love penis.

There's no gay guy that like, that works on an oil rig that like drives a tugboat for a living. Those guys are not gay. They're my dad's friends named like Big Stone or whatever the fuck. Or yeah, or like they're like working class white guys that are just like, yeah, you know, I mean, I can't go back to Oklahoma. And you're like, why? And they're like, why are you asking? You from the Oklahoma officer?

Yeah. I remember I went. There was like a in Worcester Mass where I'm from. There was like a pride parade, like event, whatever is like, whatever, a whole thing. And I was friends with a lot of lesbians. So I just went with them. It was fun as fuck. And at the end, we went to like the one or two of gay bars and fucking.

Worcester, it was called the mailbox, which is great. That's awesome. That's a great one. It's a great name. So good. But I went in there and a dude offered to buy me a drink and I was trying to be polite. So I'm not gay. So like, thank you. But he was like, no, no, no, I want to buy you a drink. And I was like, wait, really? Still?

Even though I'm not going to fuck you? And he was like, yeah, no. Like, I'll buy you a drink. And I was like, nicest guy ever. And then he just wouldn't leave me alone for the end. And I went, ah, damn it. I was like, look, man, very flattering. But I'm just not going to have sex with you.

Like, I just is what it is. Um, yeah, yeah. Uh, shit. I think that'll about do it, boys. All right. We did, like, a 45 minutes on being gay. So that'll, that'll about crush the episode. I've actually done about 32 years about being gay.

And I'm new to it. Only five years for me. Oh, and you have anything to plug? Um, literally fucking nothing. But I'm done with my Instagram. Do that. At tribal sleeve. Yeah, follow at tribal sleeve.

I'd like to plug that I finish. finished the Napoleon book by Andrew Robert. So if you guys have any questions about Napoleon, I can sweet, thank you. Give you some, like, info on it. Go to the lemon party. dot life and get tickets for April 28th at the Creek in the Cave where I'm opening up for the boys. And then May 1st at Secret Group,

opening up for Benabry and all the guys that listen to the show. Thank you for listening to Pendejo time. Peace. I'm going to go to that.