Pendejo Time - JT and JAKE 5: MR. Ricca (Ft. Jake Ricca) Audio Only

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Jake Ricca is a comedian, writer, and actor living in Austin, Texas. His sketches are funny as fuck and you can watch them here. The video got fucked up but you can watch what survived here.  Get hims online at hims.com/PT  Check out Jake Ricca on IG @ jakericca get tickets for Philly Show Jan 24th  get tickets for New York show Dec 5th  suscribe to the Patreon please 

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details restrictions and important safety information we're rolling to like the the end of it he won't stop railing against me and joe man he's like hey man thank you so much for booking this and having i was like yeah absolutely and so tim realizes and goes and i was like you're just a mean-hearted person like i don't like why would you talk to someone like that i was fucking 23 or 24 like trying not to cry I was a huge fan of that of his fucking wow now I'm spacing

on the name of fucking awesome show yeah Tim and Eric Awesome show I grew up on that I found I know I found it I was afraid to watch it as a kid because it was crazy I'm not afraid but I never got into it

and then found it in college and just binge the entire series I'm like a week I've only seen a few sketches but I love that one Oh my bad No you're good Was that

I was telling him to hold the mic a little closer because those are like When he has the flashlight outside that kid's window he's like and I taught them space like this I do this with your son every night we one of my favorite things to do is to like get like catash in high school he catastrophically high and watch check it out with Steve Brule which is the uh which is uh john C Riley plays the like news host and uh there's an episode where he uh he goes and finds out that he can't have kids he's like oh my baby gravy's all messed up it's all screwed up and

he like drinks and passes out and he has this vision where he has a son named baby roy but it's just a midget in a wig that looks exactly like him and uh he like i like fell asleep like high and i what woke me up was john c ryle and going baby roll because the baby had rolled down a hill and died like in his vision or whatever the fuck anyway hey guys uh this is uh another episode of pendejo time you know j t where jake uh rick rica rica Jake Ricka is here. I'm glad you Rika forever. I feel bad now.

I never, I wasn't even trying to correct you there. You can correct people on your name. No, I don't, because it reads Rika. It's R-I-C-C-A. But it's Rica. Yeah,

that's just what I get, yeah, yeah. A real-ass Ricka. Are you from, are you from Pennsylvania? No, I'm from South Florida,

but my, every now in my accent comes out and it's a, my mom's from Long Island, and my dad's from Jersey. So I grew up in a household, and my mom sounded, of like Linda Belcher from like Bob's Berger.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so hot. I was going to say, because I've been watching that show, Task, and I was like, you kind of had,

I thought maybe, there was a little bit of like the Delco thing in there where I was like, oh, I wonder if he's from, if he's from a Pennsylvania, but yeah, because, dude,

the accent, do you know the show, Mark Ruffalo? Mm-mm. Mark Ruffalo and then this guy, was Mark Rufflo on SNL? Uh, no. He's the Hulk.

He's the Hulk. I grew up homeschooled. I don't know a lot of, like, This is like a serious drama, but everybody, it's set in Delaware County, whereby talks like this, we're going to get some water ice, and we're going to go down to the fucking Phillies. And that accent, I only associate it with fucking Stav because that's his character that he does where he's like, the fucking dirty birds are going to the fucking. So, like, in this show, like, people are getting shot and murdered. The FBI is corrupt.

And every time one of the Delco guys talks, it's like the serious model where he's like, we're going to go and we're going to get the fucking cocaine. I'm like, I can't. It's like the cousin of the yinzer accent. Yeah, I can't take this seriously. I think the yinzer is probably the dumbest American accent. Every time I hear someone talk like that, I'm like, oh, do you know how to read? I love that. The yinzer accent's my favorite.

We need more. The internet took that from us. The internet took regional accents. Yeah. And like, I hate that. I want someone to talk insane. You know what I mean? Everybody like when I first, I moved here a long time ago.

And dude, I'm from like, it even happened to me a little bit. But like, I'm from like a, like South Houston where it's like, Like predominantly Hispanic and then like rednecks. And dude, I moved here in 2012 and then like a bunch of people from where my hometown moved to Austin. And within six months, I would run into them. Last time I heard them, last time I hung out with them was at a bar called Mollies in Houston. And they were like, hey, dude, it's good to see you. And then I would see them Austin like you later.

They're like, hey, man, it's going on. What's up, bro? And I'm like, what's happening? The accents change. Yeah, you don't talk like. You never talked like that. My parents both talk so country, like my mom's Mississippi and my dad's Arkansas. Yeah.

And my wife's parents are like Cajun, so they talk super country too. And like, I know for a fact, our goal is for us to have kids that talk country. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, it skips a generation and then they can talk like how our ancestors talk where they sound like idiots and they like draw out letters. They ain't supposed to draw out, you know. You kind of just assimilate to what's around you sometimes. For sure.

Especially when you're young. I had like one of my best friends. This is like middle school. Right, like right when we got to high school, he moved away. and he never had a southern accent and he moved to Jacksonville like northern Florida and like a southernish town

and he came back to visit and he was like hey how are y'all doing and I'm like what the fuck is that what happened to you when I was hanging out with all Mexicans in Austin when I first moved here I was only hanging out with Mexicans purely not anymore

I cut the stuff I'm clean off it but yeah I was completely it was like my own immersion school but I ended up saying the you know how like you hear like valley girls girls in the valley from here say like huh at the end of sentences. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do you like that, huh? You know what I mean? Oh, do you want to go get to some pizza, huh? Oh, I love that for you. I want to hit you if you say that. Oh, I like the idea of an immersion school for my kids, but instead of like French or Spanish immersion, it's like Uncle Bubba's country talk immersion. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like they do a preschool with a guy's like, now this here, now this here, how you count these numbers up. One, two, three, four, four up.

I have the fucking Like it's like the When I moved here I like all the frat guys talked the same And that was something that I had like never ever Interacted I'd never interacted I'd see like frat dudes Like the stereotype like the movies

You know That was the X party Whatever that movie was Project X But then like when I was bouncing Dax Flame fan I was bouncing downtown And like every one of them were like

Here's my idea bro And I'm like I would see it as like Mississippi and then like I would get another one and it's like from yeah like Kentucky's like Hey what's up and I'm like Do you guys just all start talking like fucking Brody from point break at some point

Like I don't why what I don't understand like I'm not smart enough to articulate like How does everybody sound like they're from SoCal Everywhere now like what you were saying I think the phone has done it You're autistic people in Australia talk with American accents And they talk like are autistic people too And there's even a phrase that people in like English-speeching countries

He's like the UK and, like, Australia where they go, oh, he has the autistic accent. Love that's very funny. They say that? That's like what it's labeled as. There's, you know how Australia has, not love is blind. What is it? Love on the spectrum. Love on the spectrum.

Australia has one too. And that's why I learned it from. They were all talking about it. Isn't it love down under or something? Down under. Love down under would be kind of funny if, if the guy that just loves eating pussy. No, I thought, well, because the girl has down syndrome. I thought that was what, I like legitimately thought that was.

was why the show was called that. Wait, that's a real show. I believe so, unless my buddy has a bit and he's lying. I don't know. When you say something on stage,

I believe you. Never get you to a fascist rally. Dude, so Ashley and I were watching Love on the Spectrum and like, I can't watch that show because like, maybe I'm evil. Ashley, like,

she's like, what bothers you about it? And I'm like, because there's cameras filming this girl with Down syndrome and this guy who's so autistic, like, he can barely speak. And she's like, it's sweet. And I'm like, because you're pure of heart.

Do you understand? Like, I'm, like, I'm watching this. And then she's like, would you like to go get a burrito or a taco? And the guy's like, I don't know. I don't really like Mexican for, and I'm like, she's like, they're in love. And I'm like, how are you not laughing? This is so funny. I'm a piece of shit.

I can't watch stuff like this. Hey, in your defense, they put funny music behind that shit. They do. Those editors are evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing is, like, growing up, we didn't know they had autism. We thought they were just weirdos, right? So when we were younger, we'd be like, oh, you know, Eric loves trains and he's so funny.

Ask him what he wears. He has a full set of pajamas with a hat every night. It's hilarious. And then we learned, oh, that's mean. They have autism. Yeah. But now it's full circle where it's like, dude, you made fun of them and it was evil. Now we're making fun of them and it's nice.

You know what I mean? Where it's like, oh, they're in love. What, you don't like them being in love? And it's like, yeah, cool. I'll sit back and I'll introduce a guy who can't make eye contact and is looking at the floor and they'll be like Blom Blum Blum Blum Blum You're like

No I'm this is not This is not the love show Dude you make you reminded me I was like talking with a buddy of mine who's like super like He loves RFK Jr and and he was like he's one of those guys We're like if you're in person with him He's going to pull his phone out and he's like just watch him speak Yes and he was going off about he's like

There were no autistic people Autism was not a thing in the 50s and I was like dude yes it was if you ever worked like a construction job or a kitchen job with a guy who's like 60 65 his name Steve and his knives if you move one of his knives he's like you've moved it you fucking you ruined it or like construction where it's like if you borrow like a tin like a socket wrench and you don't put it exactly back the problem is is that those guys as kids they just got beat for being weird yeah that's what it was they were autistic with there's autistic people forever they've always

existed the numbers have not like increased or whatever we just have a name for it now because like i've worked with so many guys who are like angry pissed off dudes and it's like if you borrow my soccer wrench it better be exactly where you left it and i'm like jesus christ and then in my head i go oh you have you're on the spectrum but as a kid you'd you would be counting like baseball cards and your dad would come in and throw you down the stairs for being too fucking weird or whatever the fuck i used to make us tough yeah yeah yeah's the american's gotten too soft because we don't let dad throw kids down the stairs anymore I agree with you.

Well, we're communist China now where we don't let the dad throw his own kid down his own stairs. They've got an escalator in the house. They had him in like the 40s. Like, have you guys seen the Ed Gein Monster Show? Yeah, I've been watching me. That dude's totally. First of all, they got like the, they open it up. He's like the hottest, most shreddest, like shredded dude.

And they're just like, look at this monster. It's like he's oiled up jerking off. Every girl was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. Dude, they did that with, when Zach Evron played Ted Bundy, there was like, a money shot where he's like stripping in the prison and he's like 2% body fat, huge jolked

I'm like, what are we doing guys? Ted Buddy didn't look like that. You know, but that they always make a, like you have to get a big name actor for these like Ryan Murphy monster shows, but they always do that shit with her like this guy who was a shut in and a weird looking

dude who like never had sex so he killed a bunch of women. Yeah, he's six foot three blue blonde hair, blue eyes. It's a sigh up. It's the same thing like that. You've seen that band Midlands from the early 2020s? Uh-uh. It's like a bunch of hot cowboys wearing Levi's you can see their penis through and they're just singing little songs and dive bars on the internet.

What's this called? Yeah, Midlands. I gotta go. I've been in the bathroom for a bit. I saw that and I was like, oh, whoever made this to make my wife horny and cheat on me, I'm going to fucking kill them. I'm going to buy a gun. I'm going to find who invented Midlands and like, oh, let's do a bunch of fake cowboys with

massive freaking hogs and have them sing a song. I saw that, and I was like, yeah, dude, you're going to make my ass go ISIS. This is unacceptable. Dude, oh, go ahead. I was going to say the trailer for Weathering Heights. Have you seen that shit? The song? No, Wuthering Heights.

It's like the, it's like an old book. Anyway, it's another one of those movies where, like, it's set in like, lovely old England back in the time. And everybody's wearing like a bunch of, the girls have the corsets on and all the shit. And it's just softcore porn for women. It's one of those movies where, like, your girlfriend would be like, if we're going to go see John Wick 5, I'm going to go finger myself to Wuthering Heights, and you can be there if you want or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, I saw the trailer and I was like,

this just looks like the Skinimax movies I would watch on TV when I was like 12 years old. Do they still have those? I never going over to Jordan Adams' house to watch, because we never had cable or nothing growing up, but Jordan had cable in that nighttime, what you're talking about, I think, where it's like softcore porn, like Lord of the Tits or whatever and stuff like that. And it'd be like, you know, you'd see breasts and boobs maybe, or breasts in a,

but like not like a full whole shot you would never see full penetration you never see never see a penis or a vagina you'd see him getting in there yeah yeah you'd see her blowing it but it would be like just her head but you would never see the shaft yeah yeah me and just three other dudes yeah all in jordan adams living rooms just jacking ourselves off being like is this gay dude i did for some reason there was this there was like a caveman one i watched when i was a kid it was just a dude with long hair and then he was just banging all these really hot cave women that was the first point i watched beautiful when i was 12 years old i grew up like not allowed to watch secular stuff very much but i was allowed to watch

like worldly like not christian oh i was only allowed to watch like you know like bible man and shit like that bible man you guys watch bible man i used to watch bible man me and thomas were just talking about oh that's a real thing yeah the sword of truth he's a superhero and his main villain is a girl who gossip's called gossip queen and then there was another guy that was like mr lyre or whatever the drag queen he goes and mergers a drag queen he's like my enemy is homosexual He's just throwing the book of Corinthians out of him over and over again. Biobo Man was crazy. But I was allowed to watch Miss Congeniality,

which is like now looking back, it's like that and Mrs. Doubtfire were like the two things that were like the secular stuff we would watch. But when Miss Congeniality II came out, I was 12 years old, and Sam Couch and Ethan Dallin, we went to the theater to watch that together, and we all jacked off in the theater. In the movies?

We all jacked off. We didn't whip our dicks out. We all put our hands in our pants and jacked off. We talked about it. And then years later, I see Sam Couch at a wedding, and I go, Sam, dude, do you remember how like 10 years ago we went to see Miss Congeniality, too, and we jacked off? And he's like, no, that didn't happen.

And I was like, dude, that 100% happened. And so I called Ethan, the other guy there, and he didn't remember it either. They're both lying. And I was like, I was like, I'm not some pervert that jacked off by myself. We were encouraging each other to jack off in the theater, and we did. Not with Dick's out. Dick, we all came in our pants. At least allegedly, allegedly, apparently I'm the only person

that came in my pants to miscingeniality, too. Is there a chance they were like, yeah, sure, let's jerk off. And they didn't do it. And then you're like, oh, we're totally doing this. I'm jacking off a loan. Yeah. You think that they duped me into being the lone pervert. Opposite.

Opposite. Opposite. If anything, if anything, if anything, if anything, I didn't even want to jack off that bad. And they were the guys that encouraged, they were showing each other that they're hard boners. That was like a big, that was like a big thing in youth group is you get a hard boner and kind of show that you had a hard boner. boner through your pants you know very homo erotic dude i fucking uh me and an ex-girlfriend in high school we her parents were like super strict and mine were you know my mom at least was

very strict religious so we would go during the day we'd skip school and we would go to a movie that had been out for a while this is our thing and we would sit at the very top of the road and be a completely empty theater dude and she would blow me nice and uh and i was like nice this rocks dude one time it was the Lorax neither of us wanted to see because we'd pick a movie nobody really wanted to see and so we uh it was like a dude like a 2 p.m. Tuesday showing of the Lorax you skip school we get there we get to the very top there's nobody in the theater and then we would just like mess around and we were fucking teenagers dude she's like halfway through blowing me and an entire fucking group of uh like I found this out because I could hear them talking in the hallway

like an entire special needs like class nice you came immediately it's fucking blasted oh fuck like you can't stop watching love on the spectrum your baby turn it off their asses are so big

this orange guy's making me horny as fuck they were like some of them were like adults than some of them are like younger teenagers but it was like okay everybody get in the front row and I'm up there and she's like, she stops, and I'm like, like, I really, I had one of those moments where I was like, I think I might be a little evil. I'm watching a kid's movie, get my dick sucked alone in a movie theater. The girl is my girlfriend.

It's not a strange woman, you know, I didn't force her to be here, but this feels wrong. And the fact that they're now special needs adults in the room, this can't continue. But then, to your point, you're like, I have a hard penis in the movie theater. Yeah, I'm a teenage boy and I'm rock hard. This isn't going away. Yeah, you can't just. just go home and be like, all right, I'm going to go get my dick suck mom and dad. Yeah, yeah.

Like, you got to get it where you can. Yeah. You know, I just felt so bad. Dude, I remember, you go to tell what you think, and we've led, like, similar lives. You tell a story that you think is funny to, like, one of your, like, friends, normal friends who, like, works at Oracle. He's got the Columbia vest on. And I'm like, yeah, I got my dick sucked at a viewing of the, we were watching the lore accident. A bunch of special needs adults came in with their handler, and then they sat down and I had to stop.

and he was like, oh my God, why would you do something like that? And I was, like, waiting for him to laugh because it's a funny thing that I did that was bad. Dude, when I lived in Tulsa, my wife and I went out with this, like, couple that was, like, in young life together. And they were really nice. We had a good time we were drinking. And then I started telling them a story where I was like, oh, dude, so back when I used to do drugs, me and my boys were at this trip club our homegirl was a server at. And our homegirl comes up to us and it's like, hey, those guys over there are trying to buy Coke. And they're here from out of town, they're businessmen.

And so we're like, dude, say that we have cocaine. And so they're like, they go and we go behind the strip club. And these two businessmen that are like both have wedding rings on or at a strip club, they're telling us, oh, we want to buy cocaine. We're like, it's really expensive here. So the guy opens his wallet and he had like $7,800 cash. And my buddy just grabs as much as he can, like four or $500. He's like, well, we'll go take care of this.

And then we just left. And I was like trying to tell the story like, yeah, dude, so we robbed these businessmen from out of town. And they looked at me like I did the like the worst thing ever. And I was like, oh, this isn't funny to you guys. I'm telling a fun story how me and my bros. got some over on some perverts from Wisconsin and you're like oh so you were at a strip club doing cocaine pertaining to be a cocaine dealer so you could steal from two guys I'm like yeah

crazy right I'm a bad guy yeah I'm a bad person I like and after I told that story I was like yeah but I wouldn't do that now I'm like you always have to say that now I would never do that and I'm like eight beers deep in front of these people would be like and I could never do that's horrible dude that was 2016 was a different time okay when I went to jail for stealing like steaks and stuff from H.E.B. Like two months later, I had an interview at Sway, the restaurant here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy that said, like, have you ever been arrested?

I was like, I actually just got arrested recently. He's like, for what? And I was like, I was honestly stealing steaks from H.E.B. And he's like, you wouldn't do that here, though, right? And I was like, don't leave any stakes out in front of me. And he did not laugh at all. He's like, yeah, you're like, clearly high on drugs and a criminal. Like, I'm not going to hire you.

Was this a job interview? Yeah. When do it? You do it. But you're true to yourself. You're just like, yeah, I'm good. crazy i don't steal your shit i remember i was like uh like the first really good paying job i had they like put me up in a hotel and we did this like company like basically open bar crawl or

whatever and i like at to this point up to this point dude i'd only work construction or restaurants and you can say whatever the fuck you want in those places it doesn't matter so i get fucking pissed drunk and i was telling this table of like developers and like you know like marketing, copyrights and stuff. I'm like, so one time I'm not really a strip club guy for a couple of reasons.

One, I get really acutely aware that I'm in a room full of guys and their dicks are rock solid and that bothers me. You're like me seeing miscongeniality too. I've already, and then the rest of the story,

um, I, my buddy who took me was really rich and he paid for me to get one of these like cabanas in the strip club and like get a private dance. He's like, dude, we're all getting a,

we're getting coked up and stuff. And so the girl comes in and she starts dancing and, like, take a close off. And I go, hey, I'm really sorry. I'm really cooked up right now. And I really hate being touched. And she goes, oh, oh, really? And I was like, yeah. And she goes, oh, thank goodness.

I've got diarrhea. And, like, she didn't want to dance. Like, she's like, I've had diarrhea all day. And I was like, oh, cool. And she was like, but you have the room for like 30 minutes. Like, what do you want to do? And I was like, and I reached into my boot and I grabbed, I had an eight ball on me. I was like, we can just do this cocaine and, like, drink this champagne, it's here.

And she was like, that sounds like a great idea. And then she, like, takes her panties off and then reaches inside a vagina and pulls out another eight ball. What? Yeah. And we just did her fucking coochie coke all goddamn night. Yeah, I just smuggled this in from Tijuana, fresh off the plane. Do women do that?

Do they use that as a pocket? Or is that like a crazy woman? No, I think it's true. The lady's called that Kangarooin. Yeah, I think she was She was a stripper who liked cocaine I think she probably had done that before I think a certain type of lady

Like they've I mean whenever I got pulled over with my ex And she had drugs on her She would just Right And you know, I'm like Alright fucking cool I can't do that

I mean I guess you could shove shit in your ass But I don't want to be doing nothing I don't know When I drove across the country I used to drive to Joshua Tree for work all the time And I do it in one shot And the fastest way is to do the way That you go through board patrol checks

Yeah This is so embarrassing but I would take my weed and I'd wrap it in stuff and then put it in a plastic bag and then put it in my butt cheeks because I got fat ass so like I didn't have to put it up my butt hole I would just put it in my butt cheeks

and one time I did it with a bunch of like three or four of those like pin dab pins things just like the cartridge part of it and I pulled it out and I didn't wrap it right and the rest of those time I smoke those dab pins it smelled like doo-to-butt and like I take like a massive rip

and I'd just be like oh yeah I'm eating ass and getting dab high right now. That's so disgusting. A vagina is like the original pocket because, like, humans used to walk around with no clothes. If her hands are full, she's like, oh, all right, hold on. Yeah, yeah.

It's just, like, in a woman's DNA. Like, it's like the hunter-gatherer thing. We're like, if I have something to carry, I should put it in my pussy. It's like a question you to ask your friends when you're 10. You're like, do you think they put the TV remote in there so they don't lose it? And I'm 31 and having the same, I love it,

have the same conversation. Peanut's still so hot. hard it kind of hurts dude uh yeah is that why some of the buttons are missing mom what the fuck

happen to the remote mom uh sometimes ash will hear me like on an episode with you or something and she's like I just

she's like I you know I'm proud of you a lot of happy for the show like you know it's your dream like do stand up

blah blah blah blah she's like but sometimes when you guys talk about like putting stuff up your asses

or like you say pussy it just I don't know it just rubs me the wrong way. And I'm like, you've been with me six years. We're getting married. You're fucked. Yeah, for real. You're fucked. You know. My wife has not seen

me do stand up in a long time. I don't think, I think my wife listening to, I couldn't imagine her tuning into a podcast I'm on. Because it's not like I stop talking the second I get off mic. I'm like, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b. The second I see her, too. And it's like, if she listened to a podcast, I'm like, oh, is that exactly what

she said to me a dozen times? Yeah. Like, we were drinking the other night, and I kept saying, like, you know, if Santa Claus were around, he'd beat the shit out of Joseph Smith, right, babe? And that was the thing I kept... You know the story of St. Nick? Counsel Nicaia? He goes up with this Aryanist, this guy that said Jesus wasn't God.

He beats the fucking dog shit out of him. That's a Santa story? Yeah, St. Nicholas, the guy from Turkey, beat the shit out of a heretic at a church council. And it's like a funny thing in, like, Christian circles. I didn't know that. That's fun. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wait, Santa Claus is Turkish? Yes. What? Yeah, he's brown as fuck. He's Turkish and can whoop ass, dude. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. But he beat the shit out of this guy from Egypt that was saying that was saying that

Jesus wasn't God and like it's like a it's like a famous church story and stuff like that so I get four beers in me with my wife and I'm like baby you know if Joseph Smith's walking around Santa Claus you get fucking dog walked right baby and she's like you've said that 10 times tonight she's like we're at pumpkin nights right now we're trying to go and see the fire show at pumpkin nights and you keep tapping me on the shoulder saying Santa Claus wouldn't put up with Joseph Smith not with that guy I uh I was doing the uh I think I was I was telling you about this so my mom's religious and and I love her death she basically raised me on her own but like she just she's she she had me when she was 16 so she dropped out of high school and so I was

been reading this book called the historical figure of Christ by E.P. Sanders it's a great book and goes through the gospels and tries to like build characters and like try to get people to really understand who Jesus was and who the disciples were and I was trying to explain to my mom that people didn't call him Jesus Christ they weren't like oh what's up Jesus Christ. His name was, his name was Yeshua bin Yusuf. That's how that's how people called him. That's what he was known as. And I was trying to explain that to my mom. I was like, they spoke Aramaic. No one called him Jesus Christ. Christ didn't come until later. It was like Christos and Greek and then shortened. And she goes, Yeshua bin Yusuf, that sounds like Palestinian or something.

And I was like, Mom, you're so close right now. She's like, that sounds like Arabic or something. I don't know if I believe that. And I was like, well, his name was Yeshua and they didn't have last names back then. So Ben Yusuf, son of Joseph. Sounds like son of the devil to me. Yeah.

I was like in my head I was like oh you're religious in the way that like Americans are Christian which is like

Yusuf like the terrorist yeah yeah yeah yeah you're thinking yeah yeah I'm like she's like I don't know

if I believe that and I'm like it's not about you know somebody says something to you know something's true and they go

I don't know if I believe that you go it doesn't matter yeah you think it's real Yeah, you have faith that he was a son of God, but, oh, here's what he actually was, too. Yeah, yeah.

Here's the proof of this. Yeah, his name is this. His name was this. The guy that started Boko Haram was named Muhammad Yusuf. And so whenever Yusuf Roach got in trouble for raping women, I told a joke to my buddy, I said, if I ever get the chance to go to hell, I'm going to beat the shit out of Muhammad Yusuf and Yusuf Roach. And it was Ethan, the guy from Blank Hellscape, and he goes, so you're saying, if you got to go to hell, you would beat up two black guys. I was like, hey, all right.

I guess Reagan's there, too. My bad. I could pick different, you know. Well, when you say it like that. Yeah, yeah, you put it that way. Yeah, that's good. Oh, I remember the guy I was talking about, the guy that I jacked off in the theater with,

the other sex criminal. His name, Sam Couch, real name, younger brother, Zach. His parents were also from Arkansas, but they grew up in the same fundamentalist homeschooled community I did. Yeah, yeah. They do, like, homeschool communities, we're not just not watching Seinfeld and stuff like that. We're not doing anything bad.

I wasn't allowed to say crap or butt or nothing like that. Pure a heart, pure of mind. You know what I mean? All that shit, right? He's above the covers when you go to sleep. Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. But Sam's little brother, at the time, he was like three or four years old.

He was pretending to be a cat. And that was like the thing that his little brother did was pretend to be a cat. But he kept doing it until he was like five, six, seven years old. And then his dad, who's like a big country boy would be like, Isaac, you're a human. You're a son of God. You're not a kid. And so he would continue to be a cat, and his dad would yell at him and pub him back, Zach, stop being a kiddie. And then Zach would like lick his hand like that and stuff like that.

And you remember him being like nine, ten years old and still doing it and like sitting on the back of the couch like that, like sitting like how a cat would. And his dad, Mr. Couch coming out and being like, Zach, you sit like a young boy, a young man of God, not a kitten. I'm yelling. Randy's coming over here now. You're talking about cats. He's like, you're talking about cats. He's like, you're talking about cats. This big, dude,

uh, Hey, you can't be up here, um, when I first came over here, um, met, I met Randy,

uh, JT was telling me, uh, this is Ashley's favorite story. She was like, uh, I was, he was telling me that he's like,

head in his hands crying drunk. Randy's just like sitting on the couch and he's like, you're such a bad dog. You don't listen. You're so big. And then you were telling me that, uh, they paid like a bunch of money to,

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get him trained almost $6,000 yeah and we send him to a doggy boot camp yeah and then the what the lady calls you in the phone is like yeah we ran some tests and tried to train him but he's just a bad dog yeah she was like he's too headstrong too stubborn it's too much

she was like 6,000 years of DNA of him living on his own of dogs like that just knowing to guard areas he's not going to listen to you but it's because he loves you I'm like he's so good he's bad yeah yeah but he's sweet though He's not barking and biting. Yeah, he just, he does what he wants, but he's not going to attack people.

Yeah. The first episode I did with JT, at his old place, I set the camera, and the dog was playing with the cat. And, like, the camera I just got it is like, yeah, $2,000 camera and all my set up. And I was like, hey, you don't think they're going to, like, knock over anything, right? And he goes, oh, no, no, they don't play in here. And then right when he said that, Randy, like, full speed ran almost directly into the camera. And he goes, I think I'm going to put him outside. Yeah.

Then he will bark. If he's separated from you, he'll bark and scratch. match at the door. He actually, we, he destroyed multiple doors before by just jumping on them over and over again. His kennel, like, you could put a human in there. It's the biggest kennel over there. It's like, it's like, yeah, yeah. We look kinky. People think we're doing sex stuff. Yeah, I thought it was like, like, like, dog play at first. Then I was like, no, they just got a big concert. I would do dog play. You would? Yeah. If my wife was like, oh, will you pretend to be a dog or treat me like a dog? I, I wouldn't like it, but I would do it.

Would you guys, would you guys play a little if you were asked? It depends on, if it's If it's my wife or if I'm hooking up with someone, it depends on how hot they are. Yeah, kind of mood during that day. Could you imagine a hookup, like a drunk hookup, like a one-night stand? And she's like, you're coming home from the bar. And she's like, hey, by the way, I want to pee in the corner and have you put my nose in it. I think that's something you do after I'm in love with you. He's getting him all riled up.

Some dog play. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you're down there? He's like, I just call that play. Ashley has made it very clear because I exposed her like parts of the internet. she didn't know existed like diaper play guys oh love ruining my wife's beautiful small town texas mind and stuff like that wear pacifiers will they get fuck in the ass yeah i was trying to explain the concept of like baby play to her and and i was like what would what would you do

if i told you that i like was into that stuff and she was like she was like she got very serious and she was like i need you to understand that i would leave she was like i love you so much but if you wanted to wear a pacifier and have me like fuck you in the ass of the draft like i would leave and i would have to tell my parents why i left it's because you wanted to wear a bib and have me suck your dick and I just can't do that and I was like well good thing I'm a boring vanilla ass motherfucker then I suppose

my thing is like kissing love kissing love making you know what I mean yeah I'm a buddy of mine she's an adult baby diaper lover I actually have three friends that are adult baby diaper lovers but one of them I've known for a really long time

and she posted this thing on Instagram that she was like hey my close friend stories is now only going to be adult baby diaper play So everyone's automatically off of it Unless you ask for it And it was right when I first started dating my wife I was like hey babe Do you mind if I'm on like the secret channel

Of my friend wearing a diaper and pooping and peeing in it And she was like does it make you horny And I was like not even a little bit I actually I want to see it because I'm kind of disgusted That Homegirl's doing that And she's like yeah I've been on these close friend stories for like four or five years now And every single one makes me like

Oh it's crazy It's crazy she has adult pacifier She sets up like a big adult player in her house and like a bunch of a bunch of girls go over and pretend to be babies and have sex with each other is pretty rough oh dude the other thing about diaper i swear to god this is true you're excited okay this is nuts dude this is something that makes me go like okay you shouldn't i've never seen him this on we've done so many episodes together once you learn how to poop your diaper again you suffer with incontinence for the rest of your life really once you cross that boundary

of pooping your pants it becomes a trouble for you not to poop your pants because it takes so much to like do that and that you you unlearn that then you poop your pants for the rest of your life that is that is dedication imagine knowing that that being like yeah I'll still pooping my diaper if I'm horny though I just can't discern if it's a fart or not I'm an American you know what I mean I'm like if you want to poop in a diaper I'd die for your right to do that buddy all right that's that's your god-given right even if you want to do it on a bus I'm a guy jacking off in the back of miscingeniality too how am I going to tell you not to poop in a diaper if it makes you horny, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's true. But still, it's one of those things, and I'm like, I can't get enough of it. Every time I see it, I'm like, oh, I try to show my wife. And she's like, please, no, please, no. Yeah, yeah. I've shown my wife that video of the donkey getting eviscerated by the train, like 100,000. She's like, what are you laughing at? And I'm like, oh, you know the video?

And she goes, is it the video of the donkey getting hit by the train? And he gets turned into pink mist. And I'm like, yes. And she's like, why do you like that video so much? And I'm like, because, first of all, it's funny. Second of all, the donkey looks at the train the moment right before he dies, and the look on the donkey's face is like, sweetie, mystics used to pierce their body and starve themselves and not drink water for days.

Now, men like me that study the esoteric, we watch violins on animals online. Baby, I'm a modern wizard, okay? Yeah, yeah. I'm a philosopher, according to Joe Rogan. I've been, I watched this thing this morning where this girl was addicted to eating, or not addicted. she has a disability where she can only eat like chicken nuggies and butter noodles

that's a disability yeah it's called it's like arphid it's like arphid yeah certain it's a disorder where like any other type of food that's not the food that you like makes you sick and throw up it's like a girl disease yeah oh wow it's like I'm a big baby disease

yeah basically yeah yeah yeah and it's like my my hot take is like those symptoms are real like if you if you're doing that it's because you feel that way but it's because you've been allowed to feel that way right right there's not a single Indian kid on earth whose parents let them get that imagine it can be like you you do not eat this never going to happen I like I think maybe you know you could maybe test to this like or JT like anytime I had a behavior that could have become like a neurotic a different type of neuroticism

my dad would be like yeah we ain't doing that like I had this thing where I if if I had to poop I would go behind the couch and I would like bounce up and down on my toes and and I and it was just this thing that I did and my dad would be like, what are you doing back here? And I was like, I got to poop. And so I get scared. So come back here and bounce so I don't have to because I didn't like to poop as a kid. And he goes, hey man, you're going to go in there and you're going to shit and you're

going to stop bouncing like that because it's fucking weird. And I was like, and sometimes I get like old school in my head where I'm like, I think we overtherapied ourselves where it's like, no, that's fine. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Do your thing. Pooping your diaper. And it's because of your trauma.

The older that I get to the more, I'm like, I'm no trauma. I don't want to hear about it. Like, well, my trauma made me, you know, suck on a pacifier. It's like, I'm sorry. I don't want to know that your parents should have thrown you down the stairs more. Listen, buddy, I was molested and my only problem is abusing drugs and alcohol, okay? So if I can get molested and just be a cool, chill guy that does drugs and alcohol, maybe you can not piss your pants, buddy.

It's called tough love, pal. That's the guy that molesting me. Yeah, yeah. Drew Springer, being like, oh, got to be pretty tough, but just know I love you. I had a buddy He was in the Marines You know infantry And you know

Did the whole nine yards and stuff And he came Comes back And we were It would party at my house And he like We were outside smoking And he comes up to me

Like real close like this And he's like real drunk His eyes He's a thousand yards stare And he's like Jake I'm gonna tell you something And I don't want you to interrupt me I don't want you to try to understand

or sympathize because you can't. And I was like, oh, shit, he's about to tell me that he, like, you know, shot a kid or something, or he did something bad. And he goes, are you listening? And I was like, yeah, he's like, I've been letting Vivian tie me up and call me a girl and fuck me in the ass with a black dick. And I really like it. And I just wanted to tell one of my friends that.

And I go, dude, I'm, like, my eyes were wide. I was like, I thought you were about to tell me that you, like, strapped a bomb to a baby. That's fine. Yeah, but that was just service. That's nothing else. Well, let's keep job and personal life separate. I was like, Dan, dude, like you came to me with so much gravitas.

And, like, I thought you were to be like, we did something bad over there. It was a killing field out there in Kandahar. And I was like, dude, oh, you just like to get like Shabari, I think is the term, like, rope-bound and then, like, wear a wig. No, that's how you pretended not to know the word Shibari for a second. I think it's like Shibari or something, like a Japanese way to tie your body. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know how to I didn't want to be like Shabari

The thing that I know of that The thing that I've clearly looked up online Yeah, yeah, yeah I mean I learned it from him I was like he's like oh it's like rope binding And I was like oh is it like a sex thing He's like sometimes it's just nice And I was like no it's a sec

If you say sometimes it's just nice And you're talking about like being bound With like three foot thick rope That's you're not chilling I never want to be bound I don't like that Yeah that sounds like shit doesn't get it done for me when I used to door guy at this after hours club downtown

and this older couple that like the idea of it made me so horny that they did this but like I would never want to do it where she would find like dominatrix women to like step on his balls and shit like that in front of her and it would make her so horny that she would like jack off and squirt on him and shit like that and the idea of it I was like that's so hot I love that you guys are like in your 40s and doing like insane sex stuff but one day and they came like all the time she showed up and had like a black eye and was telling me like oh like we went really hard and i was like okay i'm over this yeah i'm heartbroken i was like i'm heartbroken right now i was like i don't i'm so sorry that they're doing this to you bud

i want to save you yeah yeah i don't think like i never there was like a good how old you what's 32 yeah we're the same age there was like all of us 32 year old yeah 31 i'm a bum baby oh yeah they fucking there was like a two or three year period it came from the tumbler side of things where like light BDSM was like all the rage like choke me or slap or whatever and I remember like one of the first girls I hooked up with in college I like I like tried it because I had like you know she was like oh and then I immediately realized oh I'm not built to do that like I'm not built like the moment I was like I was like oh no no no no no no maybe I'm just a vanilla ass dude that likes just normal missionary sex and

going to sleep and then watching Sports Center I'm not a I was like I'm gonna be a cool like sex we're gonna do like cool stuff nope absolutely not doesn't do it for me i felt evil and but and then like you know and i would date girls that were into that shit and i'm like i'm letting you know right now i can't do it you know what i mean because you're like at the time i was also like i was like much bigger guy and it's like i just feel wrong being a big fat guy choking like a girl that's way hotter than me you know what i mean i had sex with this woman before uh-huh and uh we had had sex a couple times what was his name Got his ass.

Okay, he really did there, though, right? Yeah, what was his name? Yeah, you got it. Go ahead. Fuck, dude. You walk out of your- Right here, pal. Walks out of his own house. Bible man comes in here and just whoops my ass for being gay.

Oh, fuck. I was having sex with her, and she was like, punch me in the face. Nope. And at first I was, and she's like, if you don't want to, you don't have to, but if you could. And so not hard, but I popped her in the face, but I hit her in the mouth. And she just, like, bled. and it turned her on and she was getting juiced up and I like went to the bathroom and I cried

I cried and then I came back still hit it I mean I was like I'm still gonna come don't worry but like I went and like cry I just felt horrible and like there was blood on my hands I was like shaking in the bathroom like I did something really bad she was so juiced up on I swear to God she asked for it but it's such like a vivid memory I have I swear to be like and then like almost immediate

like just blood coming out of her mouth and her like being like yeah I'm being like oh my god this is illegal I did something unforgivable you realize very quickly that you're like not like because in my mind I think when I was younger I was like oh like we're doing cool set we're doing level two fucking we're doing trick fucking tough guy sex and then I'm like you know nope that's not I'm always because I've been asked I feel like women that want to fuck me that's like a big dude with a beard it's like there's a good chance they're gonna want some crazy shit done to them you know what I mean so it's like a lot of them have asked to be choked I've had to I don't I never go all the way but you usually start with like a collar or bone you're like I inch up and then everyone I usually never get to a point where they can't breathe I can never do that but I've had a girl be like no you need a fucking choke me and she's like you're not gonna I remember we were just like talking and being friends she's like so you're

not going to make me suck your dick right now I was like no I would love that if you would want to do it politely yeah yeah because I'm a normal guy I'm a guy yeah yeah it was it was terrifying But it was great. It was terrifying. It's also, I remember I was seeing this girl for a while, and she was like, you know, choke me, slap me, pull my hair. And then over time, she asked for it less and less. And I come to find out, she was like,

I just assumed you wanted to do that. That happened to me too. I'm like, I'm doing it because you're begging for it. I would love to, like, make love and chit chat afterwards. Let me have sex where I'm on my side, and I can do it up the lazy dog style. You know what I mean? Yeah, I can watch TV.

Yeah. I'm not into the, if they want me to, I do it. But it's like, yeah, I'm pretty standard. Yeah. I'm happy I'm in there. Yeah. Yeah. So thankful to be here.

Yeah. So Chevy Malibu with a 350 edge, reliable. You get 500,000 miles, but don't expect it to do nothing crazy. You know, I'm not sport fucking. Absolutely not. I'm not doing that shit. I'm never sport anything. Yeah.

I'm built for comfort, not speed. Yeah. That's my thing. But it just, you know what, guys like us, it's just nice. Jake also used to be fat. has that fat mentality when he says that and he's like oh i'm built for comfort not speed and it's like i don't know man you're like the skinniest guy on this couch but used to be like 40 pounds heavier oh that's crazy to me yeah i almost went 300 pounds those damn near 300 hondo dude i was over

300 pounds when i first moved to austin yeah yeah it's crazy i'm over 300 pounds right now you got muscle yeah but you're you're i was like i was just fat fat i wasn't strong fat i would lie and I would tell people I was strong fat because it made me feel I was like yeah I'm putting up like 285 on bench that was straight dog shit probably probably just one 54 45 155

155 nothing crazy but it made me feel better and then when I lost the weight doing kickboxing I was like I was like oh I lost the way while I was dating my current wife and her wife she loves me called that

She was like, I kind of miss when you were, I kind of missed your little belly and I'm like, I have like like bad like body image problems and I was like my belly and then but it's like I'm looking at pictures of myself and it's like oh yeah I got the bad type of fat guy confidence where it's like I got fat again during COVID again like went from 180 to like 260 and like I think I'm so hot and also my wife is so like she sends me TikToks where it's like like it'll be like a dinner table and it'll be like this and a chubby husband. and it's like, stop encouraging this. Because I'm delusional. Like, if you said rating yourself on a scale 1 to 10, I'm like, oh, I'm a solid eight. I'm like a solid eight. I think most, probably most women are attracted to me. I'm a solid eight. Yeah, yeah.

I also think I'm good at sex. I'm good at sex. And it's like, yeah, dude, I'm good for, I'm having a good time. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting the sex and the sense. I'm like, I'm definitely going to come. About six minutes. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Marathon. Yeah. Marathon. Yeah. Do you remember, like, like we were all riding the bus like coming home from junior high high school

and I always knew like you'd see you'd hear kids and be like yeah me my me I mean this girl we fuck for three hours and you'd be like that's crazy that's awesome and then like I was talking about this like you get like a live in partner and you're like there's no way like whenever I hear

friends of mine I was like yeah we got drunk with this hotel and you know we fuck for like hours I'm like hours what are you talking about that sounds terrible Unless you guys be doing that type of shit. I'm not fucking for hours. I got shit to do. It used to do, like, meth and heroin.

So, like, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, but if you're, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're having sex for three hours. It's with the women you imagine that are doing meth and heroin having sex with me. It's not like, oh, this is a porn movie. It's more like, oh, we're taking breaks and, like, doing drugs off a foily. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then getting back to it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. The sex for hours thing is you usually fuck a normal amount of time, and then you kind of just lay there. You either watch something, have a bite to eat, and then you just right back at it. Yeah, you know, that's hours. It's not like three hours of pumping. That is insane.

Ripping some crack off of foily and then not being able to come for like 45 minutes. So like we fuck until it's dry. And that's like, okay, now let's watch like an episode of Seinfeld or something and get back to it. Yeah. In this fucking best western in Citrus Heights, California. I've been doing this bit about it, like doing pretty good. It's like my opening bit of like, like, like, it's fucking sucks that like doing cocaine like makes girls like, they're like, You know, like they become like a thousand percent hotter in their minds and they're very confident.

And it makes my dick like 10 degrees colder than the rest of my body and like one inch long and just kind of wet. And you're and she's like, oh, what are we going to do when we get home? And I'm like, I'm going to try and pull on it a little bit. And then I'm going to watch Francis and Ganoo K. A highlight reels. That's another thing about doing hard drugs is like I could jack off soft and come. Really? Oh, dude.

What I used to do? Because you guys know like eight ball, right? where you're doing either crack or meth and heroin. I used to rip that and then, like, not. I mean, yeah, pretty much almost all the way soft. And I'd take, I'd take, like, Vaseline or something and just spider my dick like that and just, like, walk, walk, walk, walk. And I'd work at, like, 15, 20 minutes, and then blast.

I'm not even kidding, upwards of a dozen times. I did that upwards of a dozen times. I have so many memories where I'd spider my soft penis. Yeah. Jellyfishing, jellyfish, jellyfish. Joey fish out And I loved it Also when I first started doing heroin

I would go to in and out And I'd get four I'd get two normal fries And then two animal style fries And then four sides Of special sauce Beautiful I'd mix them together

Smoke down a foily of heroin And then eat like 4,500 calories Of fries and special sauce I'm the only person I know That got fat on heroin I got That's when I weighed over 300 pounds We was doing heroin all the time

When I was doing a lot of open I ate a lot. I also remember, like, it makes you not really, like, able to come. And the girl that I was seeing at the time, like, she was, you know, like, like, we'd fucking and then I, like, it wouldn't come for a while. And then she would, and then I would be like, yeah, I'm a stallion. And then when I quit doing heroin, we were still fucking. There's this thing that happens when you quit doing opiates where, like, your sex drive

comes back, but you bust crazy early because you're, like, all of your natural opiates in your mind are, like, are, like, being, like, produced again or whatever. So, dude, like, I quit doing it. heroin and then like fucking this girl and I'm like too pump chumpin now and she's like oh is everything okay and I'm like yeah I'm just getting my life together

you said two pump chump he's like yeah I'm getting my life together like I quit doing heroin and I was like yeah heroin makes you not coming she's like oh I just thought you were like like being a thoughtful lover and I was like oh no no no I was just whenever you came over I just got done snort in a bunch of age dude it's so funny the same exact experience where it's like seeing a girl

and I'm doing hard drugs. And she's like, yeah, dude, he fucks me so long and so hard. And then I'm not doing drugs anymore. And it's like, oh, so you're like really bad at sex and really ready to come. And it's like, yeah, I'm ready to come. It's my favorite part of sex. It's my favorite part of the goddamn day. That is the craziest part about trying to have a baby is like we're having sex a lot,

but I'm just trying to come fast. The utility thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I don't know when we'll go back to lovemaking because it's like, I've gotten so used to me like, yeah, I'll get myself almost all the way there and I'll see you in the shower, babe. We're doing this. We're making a baby tonight.

that's uh i see like that's i being a i call it utility jacking sometimes you jack off just because you gotta go to work or something you know what you're not like whenever dude i never understood guys are like yeah lotion the tissues i'm like what you have a ritual you have the fucking no dude i jack off because like if i don't like i'm gonna be like making hamburgers and i'm gonna like throw the spatula as hard as i can at the first person that rounds the corner i just want to feel good before i go do something yeah it's purely utility it's like paying the light bill or whatever you know you got to do it I just don't want to make dumb decisions sometimes jack off

that's a great great great because you guys are both you're about are you married or you're about to get married yeah we're about to get married you're married so it's like you guys you know you're with the person you love I'm just like all right I probably should not try to fuck that person and if I hadn't jerked off that day I probably would have made a dumb move and tried to like hit on him yeah you know so like sometimes I'll do that where I'm like I'm going to be around this hot person I probably shouldn't try to bang I went from fundamentalist Christian virgin to Then Tender came out

And I was having sex with strangers at 19 Like I lost my virginity at 19 Same Hell yeah Did you grow up? You grew up Catholic No, I was just a pussy Oh really?

I did grow up Catholic But I was afraid to I didn't get late until college And then the floodgates open I got love to watch I don't do Now that I know that secular kids Were just having sex in high school

And I was talking to my friend about this She's a like a 15 year old daughter And a 16 year old son And she was like blah blah blah blah, blah, and I hope they're using protection. And I was like, oh, your kids are having sex? And I was so worried. And my wife was like, sorry, JT grew up like a fundamentalist.

He doesn't know kids have sex. And I was like, teenagers have sex? Yeah. And my wife was like, yeah, babe, most teenagers are having sex. It blew me away. Blew me away. That's crazy to me. All my friends got late.

It sucked. Dude, I remember at summer camp when I was 13, this girl named April told me about how at the last summer camp that she went to, she got fingered. And I now realized that she was trying to say that to tell me. the waters and see what I was willing to do. Yeah. I prayed for her. She told me that.

I mean, it was like, Lord Jesus, I come to you for April right now. And we pray your healing. And it was immediately like, oh yeah, this is what women want.

Women want a man that will pray to restore their fingering virginity. Do you have those, so do you have a lot of those instances in your head of like, dude, I totally could have gotten laid back then. Yeah. Like I had so many of those instances where I'm like,

oh my God, I was so dumb. Just reading the room. Yeah. Yeah. I like, dude, so when I went, my mom sent me to

I thought it was just a church camp for like a week but it ended up being one of those like my son is being bad so we're just gonna spend a whole week in the woods talking about Jesus and listening to worship music I just thought it was like a church camp

but it ended up being like a church camp for wayward teen boys anyway there was the girls cabin and the boys cabin and then we would go out and we would hike and then we would like you know read scripture

and listen to worship music I found out one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard like two, you know the, her name was Eliana I forget the guy's name. It doesn't matter. So they were trying, they were messing around in the cabins

but they were deeply Christian kids. We only know about things like 69ing from like the TV. And so he tells me that they're fooling around and he was like, we should try to 69 and she's like, what's that? He's like, oh, it's where like, you know,

you suck my dick and like I go down on you. but they didn't understand the mechanics of it so they did it but with him on top that's how I do it too and like later on he told me he was like dude I felt so bad like I'm just like laying on this girl with like my balls on her forehead like 69ing is like it's an annoying thing

it should be just the girl like obviously the girl is the one that's like but he was like they didn't understand the mechanics of it so he was like yeah you lay down and then I get on top of you and I just imagine my fat friend like in church camp you can kind of hear washed in the blood of the lamb in the background you know like the power

the power the holy loving power washed in the blood of the lamb and he's just like crawling on this girl she's like yeah we're going to 69 like of the movies and like just fucking the game up because that's not how it works I mean I guess you know you get it done again confident fat guy I've done the hell out of that

I go oh you want you want 250 pounds of like stinky boy on your face because you're about to get it mama yeah some girls they call it being smushed I think yeah they like want that of like they want you on top yeah yeah yeah like i don't like 69 that's it's overrated yeah overrated wait your turn uh-huh yeah yeah the fucking um dude i was telling thomas i worked with this guy big uh like six foot something uh Hispanic dude he was like easily like four or five hundred

pound big fat guy tall dude and uh we were working seven 12s which is like you know seven days a week 12 hours a day and then you get what's what's called a fatigue day so it's every other Thursday so you worked two weeks in a row doing that shit and uh we went to the bar uh that that sunday this place called a neon moon in leport texas and he was telling me he's like yo you know my wife she's like she's been we would try like because these guys get drunk and they'll show you pictures of them like fucking their fat wives on their phone like it's every construction site and kitchen in the world yeah yeah yeah i love you flex at this shit yeah yeah and so like he's one of those guys like yo you want to see me fuck my wife in the ass and you're

You're like, no. Anyway, he was telling me that his wife, like, was getting into, like, butt stuff with him. And he was like, yo, so, like, hey, I know it's going to sound a little gay, but, like, you got to try it, bro. Like, when you get off of work, see if you're old lady, we'll eat your ass because, like, we've been doing it. And I'm like, I thought to myself, I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at her. Because I'm like, brother, we work 12-hour days in the Texas summer heat 110 degrees in fire retardant coveralls and our high-vis vest. We've got our jeans on.

I know if I have swamp ass You've got fucking peat bog ass You've got like salt marsh Dick and nuts And I was thinking to myself I was like oh like do you shower when you go He's like no she likes it right Right right right I want to taste your day sweetheart

Yeah and I and I was like And he was like yeah she's a real freak And I got mad I was like mad at the bar I was drinking I was like you cannot be letting her do that You can't let her do that you're doing fire and brimstone Faster breeches Yes dude I was like Are you telling me, you big motherfucker

that you drop a forklet all day and we fucking load pipes and we load fucking vows and then you come home and you fucking take your wranglers off, you peel and fucking wrangles off and your wife sucks your dick and eat your ass and he's like, yeah, she loves it. I'm like, she does it. I can't believe this. A spider in the

hand of God being held over the pit of hell! I was like, I could not I couldn't believe it. I couldn't buy it. I'm the most disgusting little pervert because every fucking, it's all gross fat families that do that. Every guy I've worked with like that, it's like, do want to see a photo of me. I'm like, yeah, let me see it.

Oh, hell, yeah, dude. Oh, Eric, that's so hot. You guys do that. Yeah. Yeah, those guys love to show you pictures of, like, their penis hard, like, about to go into their wife. Oh, yeah. I'm fist bumping it, being like, nice, dude.

I'm most disgusting. Every job of that. You're an enabler. Yeah, every single. I've worked for so many guys like that, and they go, like, oh, I know JT's going to love this. I'm like, oh, yeah, I am. I love it.

This is why you flexed at every crazy thing we've said so far. He'd be like, yeah, this guy eats shit And then punches puppies And you're like, you do Yes, sir, yeah, it's me Yeah, that fucking, we used to We used to go play Texas Hold'em at this bar By the job site

And I'm like, I, at the time I was a serious card player I take Texas holding very seriously I like poker And I'd be playing with these guys Like I got my hand And I'm like, you know, betting And you know, thinking about strategy

And I need, oh, I need to I need another club And you know blah blah blah blah and this guy like, I turned to him because the bar was behind us so I turned to get him a beer he just has his phone out and it's a full volume video

of him fucking his fat-ass wife and he was like I was trying to show you this earlier but you went to the bathroom and I was like you didn't even ask also is she cool with this and he's like yeah she don't give a fuck

she like it when I show people and I'm like you know who I'm talking about the fucking like they're always line cooks and they're like welders or whatever fuck they're just like that's the thing is like if I ever watch porn I'm going to look up the ugliest people having sex. And it juices me the hell up, dude.

Why? I don't know. I like the idea that it's like, if I walked in, they'd back, oh, we like that this guy's watching. He's way hotter than us. You know what I mean? I don't like the ugliest, but I don't like him too hot. I need to, it needs to be in reality for me.

Yeah. You know, it needs to be like, oh, there is a chance that if I met someone that looked like this, they would fuck me. Yeah, I see what you mean. I can't do, like, the Barbie, like, perfect looking, like, anatomically perfect, you know? She's like, that doesn't, there's no way. I want a dude that's balding a woman with the Caesarian scar and like the third to be like someone who looked like they used to be homeless.

You know what I mean? Like meth teeth. I want like while she's getting fucked, you're like, oh, that's not, she's not too a try. And then the right light hits you're like, oh, I see it. Yeah, yeah. Well, I do want them to be having a good time. If I'm going to be watching porn, I want them to look like they're in love. I want them to be having a good time.

My thing is if I'm watching porn, I don't want it to look like it was made for profit. I want to look like I'm watching someone's like art project. Yeah, amateur gay. If it's made for profit, I'm like, oh, I'm a pervert. This is pimp. This is human trafficking. I can't do this. But if it's, like, just like a family that's in love.

I'm not like a whole family, like a mother and father, I mean, you know. Oh, I thought you were like a family in love. Like, what the fucking is. Start flexing. Yeah. Do you like when music comes on in porn? Nope. I hate it.

Why is this playing? Yeah. What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing? I can't do it. Let me hear the throes of love. Yeah, yeah. I, uh, I like,

remember like one girl I asked like oh we should film ourselves like fucking like she was like into that and then I was like okay sure this is like a hack bit at this point I've heard like so many comedians do this but like you have an idea of yourself fucking in your mind it's like American Psycho when he's flexing in the mirror and you're like I'll probably my fat ass I don't I don't look that good but I bet I look like 60% like that and then you see it in the lighting and you're like there's no reason she should be. be letting me do this. I'll be honest. It's exactly what it is in my head when I see a video of me having sex and I go, oh hell yeah. Wait, there's videos of you out there having sex? Yeah. Oh, I did cam porn once. Have we talked about this? You never told me this. Okay, I'm like two months after I lose my virginity, uh, this girl, uh, started doing chatterbate at the time. Chatterbate was like pretty new in this world. And so, uh, I go on to her stream and she like, jacks me and like, I'm playing with her tits and stuff like that, and we finally get enough money to have sex. I hit it from behind for like two and a half minutes, and I think she paid me like 50 bucks.

Prostitution? Yeah, I did porn. It's on video. And I've wondered, is that screencapped somewhere? Is there like a photo of me blasted in like two seconds? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's never. That's incredible.

When I went to the mental institution, this girl actually picked me up for the mental institution and we had sex in her car. dude um when i was in the mental hospital i uh hit it off with this girl and all and i'm texting my buddies my roommates back home like i met this girl the middle hospital and they were like jake stop they were like what are you doing i'm like oh you know she's kind of cute and she likes me and like you know we have the same problems and they're like literally stop i think i told you this she uh she was like when we get out of here do you want to go to a buck cherry concert and i was like in my head I'm like I hate Buckcherry but I want to have sex with this crazy girl

so yeah of course so dude I pick her up in my car we're like two weeks out of the mental hospital I get like it was at Circuit of the Americas so I like I get halfway to Del Valley and she goes I'm sorry I think I want to go with my

my boyfriend instead and I was like wait what don't grow croncious now mama she was like I have a I do have a boyfriend and I think I want to go to the concert with him and not you. Is that okay? And I was like,

we're on like, I'm on, uh, what's the, like loop north. I'm like, I mean, I guess she's like,

can you drop me off at his house? And I was like, come in. Huh? Can I come in? So like I come back to the house and the housemates are like, uh, damn you're back early.

Like what happened? I was like, oh yeah, we were going to go see Buck Cherry. But, uh, she told me she had a boyfriend and that she wanted to go with him instead. So I dropped her off.

And my roommate goes, you got stood up by a schizophrenic woman. And you, dropped her off at her boyfriend place you you got cucked by a girl who like believes in wizards and talks to herself and i was like yeah basically they were like dude your life sucks you have a bad lie i get why you are the way you are like your life is i think it's crisis averted yeah probably you know what i mean because you're horny and you're like oh this girl's crazy the sex probably good and then she backed out and it's like yeah yeah so at the end of day

it's like oh you know what good on i'm glad that happened I've told J.T. this, but I, uh, I was hooking up with this girl for a while and I, uh, I leave her apartment. Um, and I showed up obliterated like, dude literally Philly Shuffle. I was really fucked up on oxy and I was like, just standing the door, uh, you know, we hook up. I leave. I forgot my wallet or a place. I come back and she's saging her house. She's burning sage in the house. And I was like, oh, it was like a, um, well, you know, like, uh, wanted to smell nice or something. and she was like, no, you just had like an, you had an energy.

Oh, man. And I was like, oh, you. Good discernment, mama. You had a, my spirit was corroded, and you noticed that. You could smell the evil on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, that's probably, yeah, Taco Bell and heroin. Probably, yeah.

Dude, one of the first times, it was at Sacramento Punchline. It was the first time I did a bringer show there. I was like 18 or 19. Beautiful. And the girl I was seeing at the time came out, and she told me, she was like, if you do good, I'll suck your dick really good in your truck after this.

I crushed. What fucking pressure. And you were new? Oh, I crushed. Oh, good for you. It was a bringer show, dude. All of my friends that did drugs and all my friends from the church I had just left,

like, I obliterated, right? Beautiful. It's a bringer show. It's all my friends. Yeah. They're seeing their buddy do comedy. I was so ripped on OxyContin afterwards. She was blowing me for like 15, 20 minutes in my truck,

and she was like, can you just jack off? And I was like, okay. So I started to jack off. I jacked off. for like 30 fucking minutes in front of her, shamelessly until I came. It was like 15, 20 minutes of my dick starting to get soft again and then me getting hard,

do my little jellyfish move too. Jellyfished in front of a woman, dude. And I'm like 300 pounds. I've never felt shame, dude. That's the one thing they don't teach you in homeschool is like I can be 300 pounds completely naked in the parking lot of the Sacramento punch line where a girl's like, dude, I give up trying to suck your dick, jack off.

And I can go a half hour straight jellyfish it until I come. One second. Battery die, but we'll keep going. Mike got canceled too. That is so funny. The mic got canceled? Yeah. Yeah, there's like a flood warning. My buddy texted me because we have our show tonight. We might cancel it.

Okay. Yeah, let me swap the, uh, let's walk the, uh, we can finish up and then do our floods. So you're not going to the pre-capping, uh, D-D? No, no. Okay. Why did the mic get canceled? Or did you tell them? The, um.

Weather? Weather, yeah. They also said we were planning on doing it outside today, which I'm like, I wouldn't have said yesterday. Why would they do it outside? Is there anything inside? I don't know, probably. I didn't look. They had me do it outside a couple times, and I was like, respectfully, can we not do this ever again?

And she was like, yeah. Because, like, all the promotion I do is on Reddit, and, like, I get weirdos from the internet to come out. And, like, I'll have. You've been to it. Anywhere from like eight to 30 people come as an audience member, which is like, oh, except you're no kings. There are only two people. But, and it's from like Reddit comments.

I don't know if you've tried that before. Bringing people off from Reddit comments? Great for SEO too. I had my first, like, big following popped off from Reddit, actually, because it was like Call Duty stuff. Nice. And they all, the Reddit people shared the fuck out of my YouTube shit. Let's go.

Which was good. We're back, ladies and just. gentlemen uh let me just hit an hour what do you guys got going on after this no quick do we're not doing the mic not doing the mic probably going to go to workhorse with my wife what are you doing one of my shows got canceled maybe the second one is so i know i have at least one that's going to not get canceled oh okay oh i have a show tonight too at green room when you do it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yes yeah absolutely you want to do it oh you have a show you have the main course um yeah uh let me see with uh plugs um we're gonna do i'm gonna be in boston and uh new york december 4th and 5th and then i'll be

in philly january 24th jt what you got going on uh i'm releasing my black israelite video next week nice um plug the show the youtube show youtube video video video show at the green room oh yeah that's tonight though are we put this out today yeah uh well no but don't you guys do it's called hang in with the boys where because it's the only show where you can smoke weed inside. Uh-huh. So it's like at an illegal dispensary where, like, people just smoke weed and we watch YouTube's and joke about it.

Yeah, yeah. It's exactly what you think it is. That sounds awesome. I think I did it the one time in bomb, but yeah, I'll be there tonight. Rika, what are you going to got plugged? Um, every Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, if anyone that's in Austin, we do that Bulls show. Yeah.

Every time. That ends up being fun. Yeah. And then I'm on the road all next year with, um, David Jolly, but I don't know the dates yet. Fuck, yeah. Yep. Where the, I'll put all your socials, but where could people find you?

Find your stuff. Just my, it's my, everything's just my first and last name. J-A-K-E-R-I-C-C-A. Cool. So YouTube, Instagram. Hell yeah. Ricka. Ricka.

Thank you guys for listening, for tuning in. This has been another edition of J-T- and Jake, and now two Jakes. I'll see you guys next time. Peace. Two Jakes and a boy.