Pendejo Time - Judge Mr. Peanut

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

On the night of July 7th did you or did you not go to the store to buy peanuts cashews almonds walnuts or the sortIf bedroom performance has been on your radar lately, you're not imagining it and you're not alone. ED is more common than guys talk about. The good news? Getting real treatment is simple, and through Hims, it's 100% online.hims.com/PTsub to the show See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Like, hey, guys, thank you guys. Thank you guys. Quick, we're trying to sell out here. Yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, there's a big game coming up. And if you want to... Anyway, sorry, everybody, that I probably blew your shit out or make you scream. Oh, pause.

Nah, no, no, shit. Jake's coming in town and blowing this shit out. Don't even play with me around that shit. Fuck you Talk about All that stupid shit Try to get my nerves The one straight

Clearly autistic Guy on the old head rapper podcast He's just somebody With me He's playing with my computer He's always a friend Of like an old rapper A basketball guy

They just bring him the show He's always all these games Y'all play too many games You don't Fuck y'all Fuck this shit Yeah, he's a 58 years old bald No one ever knows who he did the same polo shirt for 25 years

Yeah No one has any idea He's like he's like He'll be like Mace's best friend from high school Something like that you know what I mean Like he's not a rappery never play ball or anything He's just like He'll be like yeah you know what what Jay used to go

I never did nothing like that I already just stopped playing on my name There's like there's a guy who works in my building who's kind of like that, but I don't really know what he does. It's not related to me, but the other day he was like, since y'all want to use all break room, let me show y'all something you might want to buy. It's an Ed Hardy watch.

Why? Why? What does it have to do with anything? He was just trying to get it all. He was just trying to sell. Oh, okay, okay. I thought you was just like with this. It would be a nice going out piece.

is Ed Hardy watch We've We've That's so funny Because who gives the only shit they have at Ross Oh Ed Hardy watch Yeah yeah

Let me stop what I'm doing to get that boss man Yeah that's awesome The shit they sell it It goes so well with my other Ed Hardy stuff that I That I wear every day When you go to Marshalls Yeah I wear Ed Hardy every day

When you go to Marshalls to get a suitcase It's the only shirt they have. You're like, fuck, I forgot to get a suitcase. Sir, your suitcase is gone. What was in it? There was an Ed Hardy watch that was worth $75. And an Ed Hardy shirt that was worth probably $18. The suitcase was...

The most expensive item in the fucking... Yeah, the suitcase the brand was championed. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know why. What podcast? There's a Michael Corr's belt in there, too.

Fuck. Oh, my designer shit. All my designer stuff is gone. My fucking coach wallet. My fucking Irme's phone case. My fucking true religion slides. My miss me slides. My bejuled miss me slides.

Oh, my God. We have fun around here. We have fun around here. Since y'all want to use our break room. By the wait. Same break room for everybody. But you know what's funny is that's such a shitty lead-in to sell you something that he has on? Like, like, a better one would it be like, you know, I don't know, create urgency.

I don't fucking know, like, oh man, that outfit you got on look good with that watch. You know what I mean? And it's like, no, he was just like, y'all use the same break room. Like, how is that the same? How is it the same thing at all? Since y'all want to use a break room? Yeah. Check this out.

How is that even a lead industry? Check me out. Check out this watch. Well, also, does he sell watches? Is he known for that? No. I don't even know his name. I don't know.

Maybe he had a hustler. I knew I could tell the story because not only, it's completely anonymous. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. I guess I was thinking like if he was like a hustler, because I've worked with guys who like, they're like, no, you won't like a... Never seen him try to sell me anything else. That's the only interaction we've had. other than one time I was playing ping pong on my lunch break

and he grabbed the ball while I was playing it and said Because I'm a hater Oh fuck that And then threw it back Fuck that I don't fuck with guys like that Uh uh no no no Um A guy like that well actually you know what

I don't know he could be cool I went to the dog pork um He comes across as very much like a grown up version of a friend's older brother Uh okay that's not terrible Yeah what a pip squeak Yeah Yeah, you watch your jacket off. Probably gay shit.

Yeah, what do you do? You got shorts on? Take them off. You know, like a friend's older brother that had to take your underwear off. Take off your shirt. Take off your underwear and pants. Yo, just a classic friend's older brother. It's the second thing we say.

It's like the guy who goes on the slide or molest you. The guy that shows you fucking breaking Benjamin or asks us to suck your balls. man fuck pink pong man to take off your pants and underwear man pink pong's for nerd

let's go take off our pants and underwear I love this movie that's all let's go molested let's go get molested by me

man man sing too sucks let's go get molested by me man fuck Friday too or next Friday no

Y'all call it next Friday. I got another movie called Friday, too. He don't even know the name of the movie. It's not so horny it is. It's the only Friday name that doesn't exist as Friday, too. My chest hurts. Man, fuck that. Fuck this movie Friday, too.

Let's go get molested by me. Let me go change y'all's life for the worst. Man, let's go to this. Fuck this. I built a tree house. Let's go get molested. Let's take our underwear off and get molested by me. Man, fuck this heat.

Let's keep our shirts on, but take our underwear off. You know, just a friend's older brother. Just a classic mid-2000s friends older brother. Oh, my God. Yeah. Let's play Xbox game. Absolutely no idea what anything is. Yeah, let's listen to some of our favorite bands like rock and rap.

Smith River. A favorite rock band. Smith River. He has the three Walmart T-shirt. ACDC, the Pink Floyd in the door shirt. He's like, yeah, this is, and this is what kids like. Take off your pants and underwear.

You're trying to listen to music in your friend's room, and he walks in and tears the record out of the record player and snaps and a nap. Man, fuck this music shit. That's all get nude. Like, in the movies, how he's like, the kids are playing, like, video games, and he's like, like, the actual

cool little brother's, like, opens up his little shoebox and he's got weed in. He's like, you all ever done this? It's like you open up a shoebox and it's just a bunch of fucking condoms and like pictures of boys. You're like, you're like, you'll ever seen anything like this? Oh, this is a picture of me in a couple of years. It's all, it's a picture of all the boys all tied up. Man, fuck this. Let's skip a couple years.

Man, fuck this, man. You should forget this whole summer. It's a picture. Y'all want to hang out and forget the whole summer together? Y'all want to hang out and have to do EMDR together later? Yeah, man, let's forget this summer. ever happened, man. Fuck it. Let's go to move

school. What is it? May 28? Let's fucking black out a whole summer. Y'all can wake up September 19th. Fuck this, man. Stupid as shit, man. Yeah.

Well, I'm here, man. I got this a new invictor piece you might want to look at. It's funny to like, we were talking about it at the premium episode, which you guys should listen to. We don't plug it right now. But that is something that, 16 year old guy would do to his

12 year old brother's friend is like try to like he knows that the kid doesn't have proper reasoning skills he's like it's a nice watch I give you to you for 20 bucks the watch is probably regifted but he's like 40 and he like works with you he has like a whole family and he's like I know how I'm gonna make an extra $20 was it a nice watch it Hardy makes dog shit no it wasn't a nice watch it was butt I would imagine so stupid watch

yeah I was looking at my oatmeal because I was really trying not to laugh. Yeah, yeah. Because I could say, like, you know when you have your friend that you, whenever you guys look at each other,

it doesn't matter. Of course, yes. Yeah. You're that friend in certain instances. Alex is, Alex is probably the king of that. But like when they just look over

completely straight-faced and it's just, there's no. No hope for nothing. You can't survive that. In this situation, I was going to be the victim because I was just barely holding it together.

Yeah. So I just had to focus on And then as soon as As soon as he started walking away, to be honest, I pretty much burst out laughing. I mean, just uncontrolled. It just... It's awesome, man.

That's pretty good. I had a fucking... There was a guy... This is a dog park with Hank. He's a big fan Mexican dude with like a top top grill in, no shirt. Big basketball shorts. Classic.

And he had one of those squat, XL bullies. So it's the XL bully, but it's like the lower. You know what I'm talking about it? It's like the lowered ones. He had one in her. I'd seen her around the, her tities were like hanging on the ground, and she looked like sick. And she looked like, but she had, I had seen her like that, like the last two weeks.

And then she looked healthy this time. So I was like, oh, you know, I forget her name. He calls her Big Mama, but that's not her name. And I know this because his girlfriend told me that or told him that. It's not her big mama. That's not her name. Anyway, whatever. Fast panic guy, fast panic lady, fucked up squat bully with saggy tits and she's sick. Anyway, the dog is looking good. I said, that looks good. She's looking healthy.

And he goes, yeah, she gave birth. Now, with dogs like that, I don't even know they could get pregnant. I mean, I know they could get pregnant, but they look pregnant all the time. So I didn't know that the dog was pregnant. And he was like, I got a hell of puppies if you want one. I'm selling them. 1500. And you know, like, When someone is trying to, maybe like the Ed Hardy Watch, like, there are some guys who don't take no for an answer, and like, you can be like, no, and they're like, ah, let me show you one. And I was like, no, man, I have a fucking,

I have the most insane hound dog that I probably should not have a fucking saved. And then I have, like, a 10-year-old that half-chow-chow-lab makes. I'm dogged up. He's like, you got to see him, man. They're cute as hell. You got to see him. And he comes back with these two fucking, like, snarling fat.

He's got holding him by the scrub. He, like, waddles back to his, apartment was right next to the dark part where this my apartment comes back because he's two like fat puppies and they're like they're like gremlin like the squat bullies have so many health problems like they're they're born to die and they're well they're born to get like 5,000 instagram photos taken of them and then they like lick some lean and hennessee off the ground and they die what they mean they would they die he was like they're real sweet this was named tucker and this was named rasko and both of them were like they were both like drooling and like

trying to bite him and me he like set him down and they immediately started like biting in his fucking slides they're like trying to tear him up and shit he was like they're real chill like they're acting up right now but like they man they're like the sweetest dogs and the mom is also like the not sweet like the mom's like going completely fucking hate and i was like dude i don't want any i mean obviously you know you're trying to be nice i was like yeah but like he was like not only did he was he a bad salesman because the products he were selling were actively insane creatures also the price was way like if let's assume with the sake of argument i did not have any dogs and i was in the

market for one he was like i coach you a deal on one of these 1500 they usually go for two grand brother i'm not pulling 1500 out of the ATM to get it's like let me sell you the shittiest creature of all time hate that's one area where people just seem to have so much fucking money for certain shit i don't know where it comes from yeah i'm not saying this in like uh no carlson way no i'm saying like you'll be working with a guy who is just as broke as you. Yeah. seemingly.

And then he'll be like, yeah, my dog was $8,000. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Certain things, there are things

that are correct. Like, like the Tucker Carlson shit, you say, like there are sometimes, I've worked with guys who have absolutely nothing. They were the same ratty work boots

that are falling apart. They've, like, duct tape them. They've got like a $9,000 con-corso or something. You know what I mean? Like, it's...

Yeah, if your life is otherwise perfect, then I get it. Yeah, I guess the world is at your disposal and I'm your slave, whatever. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because you make $100,000 a year and you're fucking millionaire.

You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're poor, you need to get a shitty dog. You have to have a shit dog. You have to fuck the creature. You can get a really sweet shitty dog. Yeah, a cuddled man. That's my ideal dog is sweet, shitty dog.

Yeah, yeah. Doesn't have to be. super cute. No, just as long as it's nice. I think just a when you mix different kinds of dogs together, it still makes a nice looking dog. Yeah, you've seen Hank. He can mix most stuff together and it's fine. Yeah, yeah. Like Hank's a handsome boy. He's just not really he's not. A smaller version of Hank would be very palatable for most households. Yeah, he's really big. He's he's fucking huge. There's

almost no way for him to act it with the normal with how big he is. He's fucked up, dude. It's like a full-grown man is crawling around in your house all day. He's screaming.

He's so strong, too, dude. He's strong as fucking, he doesn't have thumbs. He's the size of a human. He can't pick anything up, except for with his fucking giant mouth. Imagine you're like 25% as smart as a human,

but you don't have fucking thumbs and you can't talk. You have a bite force of a malon walk. Peace is always hard. Sometimes I like, I get mad at him and then I'm like, he was too dumb to work on the farm and he got fired pretty much immediately. And then he was left to die on the side of the road. And then like I, he got fostered and then like I,

we got him when he was a puppy and they're like, oh, because he had parvo and he was the run of the litter. He's probably not going to get much bigger than this. And then he got way bigger than anybody could have fucking, he's not like a, he's not stocky. He's just. He looks like... You see the biggest out of his litter?

No, he was small. No, he was small. He was the smallest. So the other ones are bigger and they're just out there? Yeah. Yeah. I don't like thinking about that.

I don't mind thinking about Hank because we can control him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't control that whole litter and they're just out there and there's a bunch more of them just like that. Yeah, half red blood.

They're just going, whew! Yeah, yeah, half red bone cunehound, half Belgian Malinois. This is complete. By the way, I tried to find out more information on Hank and the previous owner, and all that I had was

is that he was raised to protect. He was raised to be like a coyote dog. There is no way they, it's so crazy they made a dog called a red bone cune hound. That is, coonhound alone. Well, you can contextualize it. Yeah. But adding red bone, is that, do you call other dogs that? Is that just what the coat is called?

Yes. So they're, yes. So they're called red bone. because they're like copper. They have blue tick cune hound and the same way they've got like a blue tick healer which is just ticks of blue. You know, have you seen a blue healer?

So they've got, and then they've got trit, all, all, all cun hounds, but all cun hounds are hounds, but all cun hounds. So they've got tring cun hounds. So those are the guys with big floppy ears and they can basically,

they can't climb trees, but they run up the fucking tree to like get shit out of at least the first branch. And then red bone is like a copper and they've got long ears. Hank is the other half of him is Malinwall That's why he does the teeth chattering thing Which scares the absolute fuck on me

I still not got used to that He'll be walking around the house and he'll go He'll look at me and I'm like It's like him letting me know like hey man At any point I did decide that you weren't chill It's curtains for your ass There's like pretty much nothing you could do All right

I'll take a meatball And a game of fetch Post taste He's also a huge pussy I think that's one of the reasons why he is manageable. He's actually really scared. He's a very timid beast. Yeah.

But anyway, yeah, to your point, there are probably, I think the lady said they had six. So there's five of him out there that are bigger, stronger and more agile. I don't know who has them. Probably the guy that we're talking about. Just a guy that should not have a dog like that. Oh, yeah.

I got this new fucking dog, bro. And the name's too. The name's too. I'm beating the shit out of it. Dude, that's how my cousin is. And we would, before we, like, cut that side of the family off, I would go to their place and he would have a new red nose pit. He'd be like, yeah, I've been training it. And then he'd be like, get out.

Get out. Mount Molly, get over here. Boom! And we would just smack the fucking dog. And it would, like, you know, like, whimper. It's very sad. But, uh, I'd like, he would like, you know. Yeah, people would get pit bulls and they're like, yeah, you actually have to hit them with hammers and hurt them terribly all the time.

Yeah, you got to scare the fuck out of them. You know, with moat dogs, you can pet them and give them a doth. treat and then they love you forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With these ones, you have to punch them. Yeah, you know how this is the most dangerous dog of all time, and you should treat it with absolute caution, and most breeders say that these dogs should not be owned and should be bred completely out of existence?

Yeah, you've got to beat them with, like, bars of soap and socks and stuff. Yeah, so you know how normally, like, mammals respond to, like, calm confidence and stuff and just, so this will be more of like a shrieking, scared. Poking eyes. It's like you're hurting it, but you're scared. of it. That's kind of what they'll respect and that you don't have to keep reinforcing that. It helps too if you're really fat

and the dog doesn't respect you at all. Yeah, when they can smell your heart disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that helps a lot. Yeah. Anyway, I did not buy the dogs. First of all, Hank don't be fucking with the little ass creatures. Hank doesn't like kids. I found out that I

Hank will shut up just charge children. It's very funny. He's scared of like plastic bags and he's scared of cats but he does not fuck with small people at all and he doesn't do it to attack them he's just like

hey what whoa he'll like howl really loud like he'll get up close to him and go and I'm like hey buddy we can't be doing that and so we like trained him to like not fuck with you know not be so antagonizing towards the children but he just don't really

he's like he's chill like my niece and nephew or chill around him but he just doesn't he'll see a kid like when we walk at the dog park and he'll see a kid walking alongside his mom and he's like he won't do that to a grown man or like anybody else he's just with a kid he's like oh no no so i just you know i'd like to think that he's not he would never eat a kid but i don't know you know i mean he's it's he's kind of got a mind of his own well i don't know i've been reading i've been reading a lot about saltwater crocodiles and if he's anything like a

saltwater crocodile he would dude it's funny um I've been consuming hours of crocodilian footage. They're so interesting. The saltwater crocodiles are so interesting to me. And another one that I never paid attention to is black caymans. Yeah, those things are cool too. They get big as fuck. Yeah, yeah.

I like a... 20 feet long and they're caymans. Uh-huh. The gator and crock guys talk about American alligators so sweetly. Like, especially if they've dealt with saltwater crocodiles at all. They're like, oh, the American alligator is like a puppy dog. And I'm like, I don't think... Yeah, they have eaten people on purpose.

They love to do it. Yeah. It's kind of like their songs about it. 1,300 foot beast. I don't think people made up alligators being down to eat. And there's a big wave right now. I really think there's going to be an influencer death from... Yeah, I would...

from this shit soon. Yes. Like soon. And I'm not wishing it. I'm not wishing it on anybody. But these guys are straight up doing like the fucking Raybans glasses shit, but with swimming with crocodiles and alligators. And you might be thinking, oh, like a cage thing.

No, they just go up to them and touch them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in the water. It'll be like literally a, I would say like a 13 foot crocodile. And they'll just go swim next to it. and then they don't get killed, right? But they don't get killed because it's full. Yeah, it's not.

It's just recently ate like a whole fucking rat, a bunch of nutrient rats. It's not that you've figured out how to swim next to it. It's just like, it's made the decision not to kill you in this moment. By the way, but you could also just change its mind and be like, I just want an arm and just take your arm and leave the rest of you.

By the way, 13 feet 800 pounds Its brain is I think roughly the size of a Walnut So that decision was made like Yeah Also a 13 foot crocodile is a medium crocodile Yeah well alligator

I'm thinking of the alligators that are in An alligator that long would probably be heavier I would guess Yeah because they're fatter A 13 foot crocodile That's a big fucking I mean alligator that's a big alligator These are creatures by the way

Who their thoughts are like if you were to try to Like if you get in the mind of a dog dog is like owner at home owner owner owner hug owner owner scratch owner owner owner treat owner ooh you know like owner lick hand owner bed and then but the mind of like a 15 foot like florida alligator is like mud leg kill heard kill family turtle made of meat turtle made of meat turd turtle made of meat Turtle. Catfish. That's 30% of its brain's operating capacity is,

hmm. Lick. I was looking into, say if I got dragged under water. Yeah. What that would be like time-wise? Yeah. And apparently you can only hold your breath for like 10 seconds in a situation. like that.

Yeah, your adrenaline's pumping. Yeah, your body uses up all your oxygen pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're getting dragged underwater by a fucking large lizard. In my head, I was like, how long would I have to fight? How long can they hold their breath? And it was like, yeah, they can hold their breath for like two hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The thing about saltwater crox is like, I remember watching, like, one of the guys talk about the fundamental differences between like crocs and gaiters and you caimans and stuff. And he was like, you know, a gator is aggressive, but a gator, you know, like they actually don't, unless they're starving, kind of a black bear situation, it's like you don't want to fuck with one, but they will fuck off. Kamens and crocodiles, especially solar crocodiles, like, they actively seek out people because we're dumb. Like, and we're slow and we're not nearly, they know that they're stronger than us.

So it's like, yeah, there was a, anyway, one of the guys I was watching, he was like, yeah, there's been this crocodile that has been like it was a man eater so it was like fucking with this like small like I guess Aboriginal group you know try you know whatever they call their little I'm not trying to be like an asshole here I just don't know my like a tribe

village or whatever so he went down there and they weren't going to kill the the crock they were going to like take it and move it to like a wilder part of the bush and you know the camera like is aimed at the crock and he's just like a pale gray huge

and he's like, yeah, we're keeping our distance. And there's like 150 yards, and one of the other camera guys is like, I mean, like 150 yards. And the guy's like, he can clear it. He can clear it in like 15 seconds. Like, fuck off. He's like a thousand pounds. Like, no, they run really fast, man.

It's like when you find out grizzlies can run 45 miles an hour. That was just information that in my mind, like, didn't. I was like, oh, a grizzly bear, I can outrun a grizzly bear. When you're not, this is not a recent thought, but it's like, okay, If I run fast enough and zigzag, like I can get out of there. And then you find out that a grizzly runs like, yeah, 45, 50 miles an hour. For like a sustained, it can't do that for a minute straight, but you can't even do that for like two seconds.

Like they run so fast. Yeah, I don't think I can go 10 miles an hour. For one, yeah, like I put the treadmill on 12 and I'm like, six minute a mile would have to be an emergency situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to get paid for it, handsome. And I would maybe do that pace for a quarter mile. in hard attack I could probably

Yeah I could probably run fast for about half a mile And then die Yeah yeah yeah Also you're I jogged five times a week at this point I've been doing it for like six months I haven't gotten any faster Yeah

Yeah Time Do you think I think being killed Being killed by a gator would probably No a crocodile would probably suck more than a Nah well so apparently grizzlies will eat you Like whole like alive

Like they'll start like they'll eat your leg and stuff and then when you try to run they'll just pin you down and eat your leg i think a crocodile probably you could if it takes your arm and you have the wherewithal to like get away and he'll just chill with the arm then you'll just bleed out or if you get like you know help immediately maybe you live but i think if i remember correctly grizzlies will be like they'll be like eating your rib and you'll be like ah let me get out of here and then he'll be like now you're just gonna i'm gonna put all i'm gonna put all my weight onto your fucking leg i think with a crocodile more likely is they grab you and then just hold you underwater

Yeah. And then they drag your body elsewhere usually, like it's further downstream from the kill. Yeah. Have you seen the video of the hippo biting the gators, the saltwater crocodile's bottom jaw clean off? Have you seen that video? No. Yeah, they hippos apparently are way worse to swim with and stuff. No, they don't, they don't fuck around like at all, zero percent.

The video, like, so it's like a, it was like the narrator, it wasn't David Attenborough, but it was a British guy. It's like, a rare encounter between a hippo, a mother, and a saltwater crock. And many of you might be wondering, well, how will the mother fare? And then the next video, the next part of it is the crocodile opens its mouth to hiss. And then within half a second, the mother hippo grabs the bottom jaw of the crocodile and rips it completely off. So the crockle just has the top part of its head left. And it just is like writhing around. And the hippo just goes underwater.

It swims away. And I was like, dude, fuck. I fucked your whole day up, dude. Imagine you're just like, you go to talk shit and a guy, a guy, I probably lived for like fucking six months after that, too. I'm trying to imagine going to talk shit and a guy across me just reaches across and rips your bottom jaw off your body. You're like, hey, motherfucker.

And then you can't even get a gun or anything. No, no. You're in the woods. You try and talk to your friends and they're like, do we eat each other? We don't have like that kind of loyalty. We're not like ganging up in any kind of way. I'm going to eat you. I ate your kid.

I ate your jaw. Yeah. I ate your son. I fell on the ground. I just ate it. We live in the desert, man. This type of shit. Oh, man.

I was watching a video broke my heart the other day. It was a pack of Komodo dragons hunting. Oh, yeah. And they'll just bite like a water buffalo on like the leg or whatever. Uh-huh, yeah. Just like once. Mm-hmm. And then they just wait for the poison to kick in.

Yeah, which takes a long time. Yeah, because it's just bacteria. And they just follow it around and nudge it until it dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they... I didn't know. I thought they had... What hellish creatures, honestly.

Yeah, they're fucked up. They're a fucking nightmare. Can you imagine that in the wild that you get bit? And then a bunch of fucking lizards are following you around while you die. And they keep, like, trying to nibble on you while you're dying. You'll be like, get out of here. And they'll be like... You'll be like getting killed by my cats, honestly.

Yeah, yeah. Like if one of my kids bit me and then they were just like kind of coming up and biting me a little bit through my day. I'd be like, dude, fuck off. Oh, yeah. Every time they bite you, get sicker. Like, you get like a fever and you get diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I remember when I found that they didn't have venom. Their mouths are just so dirty from eating carrion and like from being like in mud all day that they like, it's not that they have venom. It's just that their mouths are, they're filthy. So it's like it's not even like a neuro. toxin or something that kills you. It's just like it's like when a homeless guy shits on his knife and stabs you with it. It's like, ha ha! You're not going to die, but now you have Hepha, B,

and C, and some other shit. Just some mystery stuff that doctors don't know about yet. That sucks. I didn't even know that. Yeah, they don't have venom. It's not a venom. It's just like a... Like, I remember watching their mouths are filled with like staff because they eat rotten meat and it doesn't

fuck with them because they have like a stomach lining that's like insane. And they're like immune to all that shit. So their mouths are filled with like staff and like all sorts of fucked up shit and uh when they bite you like when they bite humans like you usually live but like you get immediately you get sepsis like your blood is immediately like ah uh you know what i mean like you immediately get diarrhea and you get but disease or whatever speaking of diarrhea and butt disease don't have that sometimes fuck how do I never mind all right speaking of um hello

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Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietra's specialty LLC. Hems is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietris. So a big lizard that don't got venom and it bites you and basically, you get fucking every disease none the man Oh no I would suck I would hate

Okay imagine this And this is even worse Okay A lizard with huge tits And a human mouth And it Sucks you off in your sleep

Oh no And then Makes it really chapped And it hurts Right And every time you sleep Another lizard Sneaks into your house

And starts sucking you off And it hurts even worse Every time No And then the infection spreads and as you're dying from it they just keep trying to suck you off and um and and it hurts even worse every time okay okay even shrimping it further into you okay okay and then hurting it even worse or would you rather work for classic thomas bar stool have your own show um and and um

and you get to eat DoorDash for every meal for a year for free, but you have to drive a BMW. When you have to have lunch with Steiney once a week. You have to have lunch with Steiney, and you have to be a chauffeur for Frank the Tank. everywhere he goes you must follow him and you must tend to his needs especially with his feet he has a lot of needs with his feet

I think I'm gonna touch them did you see the entire bar or like half the barstool staff get washed by that Guatemalan door dashed I haven't watched the full video yet I did quote tweet I quote tweeted it without even watching the video dude I mean we're talking about we're talking about one guy versus like

I don't know I mean there was a lady involved so maybe it wasn't maybe it wasn't awesome but uh it's okay one guatemal and dorda i would imagine they were unkind to him i'm just going to assume that to allegedly be true because it's barstool but if i worked for barstool and i had a bunch of people

in the office and all of us got all of us got the brakes beaten off of us i mean we got watching it now looks like um yeah looks a lot of asses coming out of pants Yes. These are not fat people. Nope.

A lot of Hank Hill ass coming out of jeans type street fight. Yeah, we've got another angle. I've been to this office because I'm a celebrity. A lot of guys forget about that. And I actually was questioned upon arriving. It turned out I was actually supposed to meet them outside of the building. So when I came up, I was not an expected guest. And it was a little bit awkward.

Not anybody in particular's fault. but Portnoy blamed it on Mom Donnie Which I thought was funny That's awesome He was like yeah you know This knew the crime because of Zol wrong Yeah by the way this is a He

They had this delivered To basically across the street From Madison Square Garden Yeah Yeah So if you're wondering what the area is like They They could have just gone downstairs

And met the guy in the lobby I think that would have been a nice move Because I want to say they're in like a skyscraper. Yeah, also the building that they're in, I was around the corner from it when I went to go pick up that dress when I was just hanging out with you guys.

There's a Kava. You know, everything's a 5 over 1 then skyscraper. There's a Kava. It was probably Kava. They're addicted to the corporate lifestyle. They think that having an office job is the most amazing thing to have.

Yeah, no, yeah. But I'm saying, like, you can go get your food. Like, you can go get it. Now, if you don't go get it, get the food and you get beaten up by a guy six of you get taken to school by one biker but by one bicycling door dashman at that point are you probably have to have a team meeting i think i would if i was yeah maybe the best move isn't hey guys we all just we just had the most jewish fight of all time i didn't blame it on man danny yeah one immigrant yeah

versus 75 rich children tall guys they work out some of them like work he had an armor he had an armored backpack yeah

that was one my favorite I'm watching one guy yeah stand back for safety that's good yeah that's good guys be safe holy fuck something just happened here it's a good thing

none of us were doing anything when this happened right right right it's yeah the there's like an angle that shows the guy like coming in and dropping off the food i think it's like a building footage yeah they were all too busy they were at their desks furiously writing blogs blogs about uh thousands of blogs every day what is why did no go ahead go ahead no you're good i don't have anything to say i was trying to i was trying to think like when did when did Dave Portnoy openly become kind of like

because I know that he like is Jewish or whatever but I he's always been kind of like that politically he never really had a no I mean I there are pictures I feel like pre 2023 he wasn't like wearing a yarmaca and like carrying a flag the star of David flag like into the UFC

fights which he does now at every fight he's wearing a yama because he feels personally attacked I mean there's a lot of his position honestly is a common one um not saying i agree with it but it is like he's kind of a median voter kind of guy in a way you know what i mean yeah sure sure sure sure he's just like he's like a 95 IQ guy from new england i yeah yeah yeah i know what you mean i i just i don't know when i will say median voters don't wear yarmacas and carry Israeli flags like into sporting events.

I know it might seem because they don't have the money to do that. But like if you if you tell somebody they're important, they'll figure out a way to bring that end to the rest of their life. Sure, that's very good point. Yeah, they don't have.

Like he really thinks that he's doing something when he does that because he thinks he's really important. And he is to that group of people in the office and to people who love looking at. at Instagram. Yeah. And all the, you know, who isn't reading?

I read probably 15, 20 sports blogs today nowadays, you know. Yeah, I'm addicted to that crap. Yeah, I know you love that type of shit. I love sports blogging. Every time I go to New York, you've got 17 screens and they're all on different barstool. And you're watching the barstool spot sports podcasts. I'm watching a sports podcast called Tip for Tat. Yeah, and it's got the fucking former kicker for the fucking jets on there.

He's like, so he's interviewing a 19-year-old TikTok model, and he's like, so did you, so is it true that you sucked Blasen's penis at the Go-Go-Go Festival? And she's like, I don't know. Speaking of Blasen, I texted you this last night. Thank you to the Pendejo fan who hosts a show at a club that brought me on. During my set, about seven, I would want to say, like, a sorority girls rushed the stage and said

get off the stage and give my friend the microphone she's a comedian and then they pointed to her friend to their friend who was probably the most drunk I've ever seen a white woman in my life

in my life which is a saying a lot and I said no and then I said some other stuff which I won't repeat on the show because it's not nice to be rude to women, even if they're yelling at you.

And then they said stuff like, I have a little penis and stuff like that, which is fine. It's, you know, it's whatever. But I thought, wouldn't it be funny if, like, you know, if I just completely lost my mind and ran into the audience and started just like suplexing everybody. Yeah. Yeah. If I just completely lost my shit, you know what I mean, and just started, like, choking people with the mic cord and, you know, giving myself the type of reputation that we'd know.

Back in my day, we'd stay hanging. fucking hecklers. Used to hang sorority girls. Used to hang hecklers. Back in my day. We put them in the town stocks and kill them. In the stocks. We throw them fucking tomatoes that weren't ripe yet

and they'd fucking crack people's heads. Back in my day, we used to chop up girls in the suitcases. Yeah. Back in my day, me and my roommate used to kill girls who have red hair. Like his sister. Just

Mid-HECW... They're like... They're like... They're like, my friends are comedian just give her the mic. Just give her like, just give her like five minutes,

which by the way, I was doing a 10-minute set. So I wasn't gonna... I was just like, hey, no, you guys, who let the travel and... Who let the travel and consented

to the building? You know, just kind of like trying to have some fun. And, yeah, it's called them cunts. It's always... People were into that nowadays.

They did like it. They did like it because they interrupted the whole. show and made a big stink out of it. I would have said, girl, your pussy's so sticky, sticky, sticking up the whole will make it smell like a bug's ass.

A bug's ass. Yeah, girl, you came from a bug's ass. That's starring you. That's the titular character. A bug's life with a stinky ass. You know, a bug that don't wash its ass or pussy starring you. Yeah. I'm laughing

I'm laughing in my head thinking about a bug washed its ass and his pussy just like I'm sick in the shed A long day of being a bug I had a long day of being a

girl bug Bugs It took it to Queen Ticket to Queen ate sugar One speck of sugar Now I'm in my bug shower

Washing my ass And my balls Tomorrow man I'm eating some guys I'm gonna try to pick up leaf and sort of carry it as a team. Goodwill hunting at the end. Maybe we'll chew a part of a leaf off and carry that.

Who knows? Ben Affleck's talking to the one smart aunt. He's like, you know, if you're still around here picking up leaf eating little pieces of one sugar, you know, I'll fucking chew you. I'll sting you. If you're still around here fucking talking to Queen and taking one piece of sand at a time back to cave, I'll kill you. We're born for more than this.

We can pick up leaf. We could pick up acorn. Yeah. Come on, man. Stop picking a piece of sand. Stop picking up pieces of sand, dude. You can pick up anything. You can pick up...

Oh, man. I hope my aunt wife puts out. I just washed my... I just shaved my aunt penis. Do you know what's crazy? Do you know what crazy? It's got to be to be like a sugar ant and you're with your boys

and you guys come across like a half-eaten chicken wing on the sidewalk. You know how insane that's got to be, dude? And it's a honey barber. Q1 too. Like how crazy, like if me and you were walking around town in New York and we came across, I don't know, what would entice both of us? You're not really like a drug guy. I could be convinced.

If me and you came across and no one was paying attention to it, a one ton perfect cube of cocaine and no one else was looking at it. I would say, Jake, you do not need to be around this. need to get out of here. I'll dispose of this. You need to get out of here. I'll get rid of this. Get the hell out of here.

Let's both get the hell out of here. You go first. You go for you. You can get a five blockhead start. Get the fuck out of here, Jake. We got to get, I'll jump on the grenade. I'll jump on it. There's no grenade.

It's just a... Anyway, yeah. Washing a bug's ass. It's got a long day of carrying leaf, washing its pussy, watching its balls, something like that. I was laughing earlier at the idea of an asshole-only shower. So a bidet?

No Like a shower Like you stay in the shower And then you just only wash your ass Oh I was thinking about like And then you just go And then you go to bed And that's

That every day You only wash your ass And you're like What the fuck are you talking about I take a shower every day Yeah I wash my ass every day Oh here comes A white man with an unwashed ass

And it's like actually That's probably It's the only thing I'd be taking care of these days I was trying I've been trying to write it Into a stand-up joke But I don't think it really has

Anything for me to build off but it was basically saying i've been getting into minimalism um yeah like lately i've just been washing my ass and that's it that's pretty good i like that yeah yeah what about the water spout okay it doesn't come from the top it comes literally straight from the floor high pressure yeah directly into where your penis and butt and your balls are and you can't really adjust the pressure so you kind of have to get used to it yeah just spraying a hole in your scrotum starts pouring whatever fluid you keep in there who knows I remember when I was a kid

my dad sometimes when I was like real little dude he would take me and he had a forerunner like an old beat up four runner and he would take me and he'd be like we're and I thought it was so cool he would take me to the car wash and when you're this one of those things were like when I was a kid I was basically getting tricked into doing labor but he was like I let you shoot the big water gun and we'll get the bubbles

and I was like fuck yeah dude I'm gonna have the best my life and then my dad would just kind of smoke cigarettes while i washed his car anyway he was wearing uh like some like uh there was these there was these sandals called i think they were called tities just t i d d i yes they're like an old flip-flop company from the mid two thousands and the logo was just like the two ds were like huge boobs you could buy them like at galveston anyway he had those on and uh i was like washing his bumper and he was sitting in there and smoking a cigarette and i turned the pressure washer i pulled the pressure washer handle and i was like i'm gonna get my dad's feet with and I pressure washed his toes

and I took both of his toenails like his pinky toenail and the toenail off of it off. He's like, ah! Just fucked his shit up, dude. Like, he was like, oh, fuck! There's just so much fucking blood, dude,

like immediately scared the shit out of me. Like, because, like, when you, you know how when you cut your, like, when your toenail comes off, it bleeds so much. Like, way more than you think it would. Like, he was like, ah, hell boy, fuck.

I, like, threw his cigarette. He's like, ah, He doesn't start running, but he's like, like, dad hurt. Like, he starts kind of pacing in a circle. He's like, oh, fuck. And I'm, like, scared. I'm like, I didn't know what I did. He's like, you can't pull the fucking handle.

Oh, fuck. He's like, pull. He's, like, has his, he's taking his sandal off. He's like, got his foot. And there's just blood, like, on his hand. And I was like, oh, shit. He's like, oh, fuck got my fucking toenails. Fuck.

And I was like, I was like, it just water. And he's like, water comes out. And the way it gets the dirt off. And he was trying to. to explain water pressure to me like what a pressure washer is but he was just like so mad and like bleeding and i was like it was like six years old he's like i fucking the way listen boy you can't okay you can aim it at somebody with oh fuck god damn you can aim it at somebody but when you pull the handle you can't fucking it'll fucking take somebody's skin off fuck he gets his

fucking flip i had like taken one of the corners of the flip flip flip like off too so we get get in the car and he's like his foot's all bleeding he's like god damn it like get back he lives in my grandma's place he's living with his mom he's like mom where's fucking band-aids jake of fucking we're washing the fucking car jake put pressure washer

on my fucking toes took my fucking toenails off I had no idea dude I learned that day that a pressure washer is a fucking dangerous tool I didn't know I did I put it right up to his toe too like I know that I know that the pressure washer for like the concrete is stronger, but like the ones at the car wash

are pretty strong. So I put it right up to his toe. I thought I was like a super soaking water. Like there's no fundamental difference and it just completely took his toenails off of his toes. It's completely fucked these shit up. It took like three months to grow back too. It's so fucking funny.

My mom laughed so fucking hard. He like dropped me off that Sunday. He had like bandages over his toes. And he was wearing like a different pair of slides or something. She's like, what happened to your toes, David? He's like, fucking boy, I took took him to fucking dino car wash over there all fucking Pasadena boulevard and it I was fucking letting him spray the fucking car down he put the goddamn pressure washer

right between my toes and turned the fuck around took my toenails off fucking started crying laughing I was like so I was like I made my daddy's toes bleed I made a blow you know I was crying and shit I don't want to hurt my dad but then later on later on you know it's like it was like a funny story to tell I got older I was like dude I'd be so funny if I like cut his toes off Like if it, because they are dialed down a bit at the car wash, but if it had been like a, like an industrial one, like that they used for like doing fucking driveways,

like I would have taken his toes like completely off, like fresh off the bun, which would be, it's so fucking ridiculous. Cutting your dad's toes off with, with water pressure is a classic, classic roads family household accident. Yeah. That is a classic thing to do is a teacher kid out to do something

and then there's something that could possibly be even fatal that you forget to tell them about it. Yeah, that's a dad thing. It's a very much a dad thing. You know I realize today is my parents never really warned me about people trying to trick me. Okay. Like at all. Okay.

Like they never warned. I remember when I was like 16 at one point. I came up and it was like, hey man, I just need like 20 bucks to put in my tank right now, man. Like I'm trying to get to Boston to see my daughter. Oh, yeah. Sure, man. I'll help you out. He just gotten like a BMW.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I thought, hmm. I think he might have been lying to me. me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was never, that was not really a part of my upbringing. It was kind of assumed that I would always be in Pester, Texas, and nothing else would happen. Yeah, yeah. I was, I was, I think because of who my father was, I always had a bit of street smarts, but I also never really cared that much. Like, I remember one time a guy came up to me in Houston, I was working, and he was, like,

clearly like a little tweaky, and he was like, hey, man, they got to boot on my car, and the cop is saying, And if I give him $50, he'll take the boot off my car. They just put the car, the boot of my car. And I was working at the fucking plants, and I don't know, I had the money. So I was like, I thought to myself, because I was doing fucking drugs at the time. I was like, it's hot outside. This guy probably wants, like, a little bit of crack. Or maybe, like, maybe like one oxy-thirty and, like, a fucking gas station beer.

So I just gave him a $50 bill. He's like, thank you, man. Thank you, man. I just need to get home. Yeah, same thing. I need to get home to my kids. And I was like, in my head, I was like, I know what this is probably for, but it doesn't matter anymore. We look at it on your phone pictures of guys' feet that are pressure washed off.

Yeah, that's I was looking at. I was looking at different pressure washers to kill people with. It would be the pressure washer killer. I'm the pressure washer killer. Looks like somebody set up in this guy's driveway for a few days and waited for him to come home. The pressure washer killer. How about one of those guys who offers to mow people's yards for free? Yeah.

And whenever they come out, he says that, and they're like, sure. And then he's like, awesome. And then he kills him. And he doesn't even fucking cut the yard. What does he kill him with? The lawnmower. He just runs him over with it. It runs over their legs.

You know, he's really strong, okay? And it's actually a pushmower, and he just lifts it up while holding the lever. Yeah. He just fucking puts it on their head. He's strong as fuck Lips it up like Just pure like Yeah

It does like a lateral shoulder You gotta hold it down Yeah yeah Hell yeah Well Detectives on the scenes Well We're gonna be honest

It was probably the guy parked out front It's the lawnmower killer Well led you to believe that Well there's a lawnmower present And everyone's head I was just mowing my lawn I noticed there was a whole body Lady's body attached to the bottom of his mower.

I figured I'd call you guys. Her whole head was crushed. It's like you're still holding the lever down. So, I didn't know if I should let go. You are trying to cut my head off with the other mower with your other hand. Okay, so yeah,

taking that into context, it does sound, I see where you're coming from with that. I see how you could think that maybe I had something to do with this. Yeah. The Lama were killer The Lama were killer Have you been following this Lindsay Clancy case?

Eden's been watching a lot of the trial stuff It's a girlfriend's trial I haven't The stories kind of made me sad It didn't make me that curious No yeah same here I didn't know Here's my thing

I get why it's interesting though Like you know it is a I get why legally it's a big case I have no idea to see it me That's lost on me To me it's pretty shut and cut and dry I don't know. I think it's just how they approach it from a legal perspective that makes it like

Like it's oh yeah that fine I'm sure yeah yeah yeah to for me I'm not really On the fence about it right that's what I mean to say I like I didn't it was one of those things I stuck my head in the sand about because it was immediately annoying And every time it would like let's talk to Lindsay Clancy kid and I would scroll past it's like I don't want to know what this is I don't want to be involved in this and I was trying to be trying to read I bought like six books over the summer and I read none of them.

So anyway, but then I got curious. I really hope I don't get called in as a witness because I didn't see anything. I don't know what the fuck is going on with the story. The perfect witness. Thomas White. No, I mean,

subpoenaed. So I don't even know where this happened if I'm being honest. I thought I had Lindsay Clancy mix up with Lindsay Graham at one point. Yeah. Thought it was a Graham's sister that took her spot, took his spot. I mean, I guess he could have been a she.

I don't know. I'm stupid I shouldn't have said that fuck me I'm sorry for saying that yeah I didn't I was I forgive you

the community has forgiven Jake Rose thank you guys his wrongs thanks did you almost fall no did you almost just fall over

no I didn't thankfully it would have been embarrassing I was kind of like I thought what in my ignorance because there was so much controversy

I was like oh they don't know who did it it. Or there's something about the case that they don't know. And then I watched like a 30 minute video on it. And I read like all the articles I could read on my lunch break.

And I was like, I don't understand what the hoopla is. I understand the lady went fucking crazy and killed her kids. But like, yeah, that'd be happening sometimes. When a guy does family annihilation, everybody's like, he had a new girlfriend and a new truck. Yeah, we know how to do it when it's only going to be one news story. Yeah, right. And it's going to be a picture. of us playing golf.

Right. We get a new, what we do is. We have pretty good PR for that stuff. Yeah, we do. Yeah. We know how to just get it done.

It's one of the worst things that's ever happened when we do it, usually. It's crazy that something that back could even happen. It's one of those things that someone just got eight. Did you see? Perfectly capable of as it turns out.

Somebody was eaten? No, no, no, no, no, no. Eight, the number. A guy, So his mom, a guy was like trying to, it was a family dinner. There was like 10 people there. And I think he asked his mom if he could give some money to go to the store. And his mom said no.

So he went to the closet and got a gun and shot eight people and burned the house down. Okay. Yeah. So that. And the picture. See, that's a case like the Lindsay one where you go, what was he going to get at the store? What was? We need context.

Was it gummies? Was it candy? Was it tasty? Was it peatries? If it was peatrings, you should have given them. The judge has a monocle and a handlebar mustache. Was it delights? Was it Turkish delights we're buying? Was it powder candies? Was it pastry peanuts? It's the Mr. Peanut guy?

What were you trying to get? Peanuts, almonds, cashews? What were you going to get from the store? Were you trying to get anything peanut related or peanut M&M? Macadamia nuts, maybe? Maybe a nice trail mix. The attorney standard. I believe that there's a conflict of interest with the judge here. I believe the judge is a nut.

A peanut. I believe that the judge is Mr. Peanut in disguise. Judge Peanut, I think you might be judge, Mr. Peanut. Am I correct? Ah, you got me. Denied. Overruled. Oh, yeah, whatever the floor.

Motion overruled. Lawyer. Objection denied. Objection penis. Ordering the peanut. I mean, court. Ordering some peanuts to eat. I mean, ordering the court.

You can't handle the peanuts that I eat. Fuck, never mind. That's true. So, do you swear on the whole peanut? How about Lindsay Candy? Okay, Lindsay Candy. All right, Lindsay Candy, I'm listening. Okay.

So Lindsay Clancy. Tasty candy. Okay, tasty candy. Tasty candy. Tasty candy. Um Okay She had

Three Um She had three Gumy bears Eminems That's about Yeah Um

Okay And she ate it Or something like that And that's the end of it Okay Okay Lindsay cheesy Okay

Lindsay cheesy Squeaky cheesy Squeaky cheesy Man We understand You had been Living In that hole

For a long time You had postpartum moussosis. I understand that you... But in the eyes of the paw, this is entrapment. I will not be in mouse-intrapped. I squeaky cheesy. I squeakily cheese.

Do you squeak to tell the whole cheese nothing but the cheese so help you rat? I squeak. And this is setting a precedent for a mrs. Mouses everywhere. Yeah. From Cheesville to Milkenheim. Milkenheim.

Across the cheesy seas. The Seven Cheese. The Seven Cheese. The Indian Cheese. The Pacific... The Pacific Cheese. This is setting a precedent for the Caspian cheese. Things like that.

Different types of... The sailing the Seven Cheese. Mouse Pirate. Anyway, I know you have an important engagements to attend to with our good friend, Sam Castillo. So I, uh, thank you for listening to Pendejo time. Please go to Patreon.com slash Pendejo time and subscribe to the show. $1 gets you access to the Discord and nothing else. That's the Meeho tier.

$5 gets, that's the Pendejo tier. $5 gets you access to all of a backlog of bonus episodes plus a bonus episode every week. $10 a month gets you access to an entire backlog of hilarious. premium video episodes plus a premium video episode every we are doing rhythm remote now we figured it out so we probably go back to every week but there's a bunch of them it's usually a monthly deal thank you guys who have subscribed to the show and thank you guys who came to the Austin show last night it was a fun time despite being interrupted that happens sometimes in your professional comedian like me and you do a show where they give you one beer as

payment. What else? New Orleans and Philadelphia. Mark your calendars. New Orleans, January 28th, two shows. And then fucking Philadelphia, goddamn February 20th, a month later, Saturday, February 20th. One show, maybe two, depending on how tickets sell.

I have to basically build everything for that show, which means the posters and the bio. And Thomas, if you could send me and I want you to feel free on this and I'm giving this I'm not kidding you have creative freedom but send me a high quality photo of yourself

with clothes on but you can do however you want to do it I don't know if I have any of those okay but just fine just make one have you take something nice of you and I need to make the poster so they can't put the link up until I've signed

I've signed the contract of dollars shit but I got to basically do the ticket website and then they can put it on their website so anyway that's going to take me a little while but that shows this is next year Boston maybe There's a club Did get back to me

But it would be also in the winter I don't have a date on that But it's a good deal I know you've got to go Thomas So thank you guys for listening Please subscribe to the show Okay goodbye