Pendejo Time - justice for tim

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

we have been slandering a good mans name on the premiums. tim, one of our cherished Gacy subs, does not ask thomas for pics of his penis and nuts. this was another guy who has since unsubscribed. we apologize for the slander and give our thanks to Tim. lets hear it for tim. Support the Show.

Don't you forget about tea, your tea. I'm tea? As you walk on by, yeah. Don't you forget to brush your teeth. It's really important to brush on your teeth. Do it two times as you walk on by two times and you're brushing your teeth and it's fun Double brushy Brushy on Your teeth I don't even remember the song

I don't know if the song is by Don't you forget about me Toothbrush I use it to brush On all of my teeth Tonight And it's really fun To have big white teeth

We need to get back into parodies, dude. Like, hardcore. Yeah, yeah. That's the new frontier. Honestly. It's the new frontier. No, no, no. Dad is... My dad is at home

no he's hadn't gotten to the second no I you have to wait till the full song okay got you that was the first one I went to the bathroom

Looked at my floss I used it to get all of my teeth Floss I wonder if this like if this show like if anybody like who listens to like the free episodes like

like if this does something for like a certain type of autistic guy where it's like it's not it's not human conversation it's barely that it's mostly just sort of like i'm trying to think of a guy yeah i have autism

i went to brush brush i'll brush in my teeth Brush. Brush. Brush. Brush in my teeth. Hey, y'all. Welcome to the show. What is this, the free one?

Yeah, this is the free one. I had to pull the... Yeah, never mind. You had to pull... I got it. Don't worry about it. I got it. You don't got it. I got it about it. I got it, dude. You don't got it.

I got it, dude. I got it, brother. I got it like carotid artery. Well, I looked up gmath.com. I don't know. Let's see what's on gmath.com. I don't know. Do you have a virus? Let's see what's on gmath. Is that like... DonovanScience.com.

What the fuck? It's kind of... We're done. Ah, shit. Does gmath still... Gmail. Gmail. I sure hope it does.

Got it? You got it? All right, cool. Hey, everybody, we're just getting our ad reads going. Yeah, who gives a shit? We're just getting our ad reads going. We're just getting the fucking shit ready for whatever. Yeah, it's not like we've had all day to do this.

Yeah, all day. Been sitting around, jacking my wee-wee. That's what you've been doing today? No, I went to work. You're still jacking at work, dude. Nope, not really. Buddy of mine,

this is a similar story that I've heard from several of my friends who served in the military. They've told me that like a rite of passage for them in like basic training or whatever was like beating off in a stinky

hot porta potty like 112 degrees like a port-a-shitter, like a job site or whatever. And they're like yeah, you just, you know, you got to get it out. And I'm like, dude, I've never been that horny in my life. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And they're like, I mean, you know, you go a little while. I'm like, dude, no. Like, I've never in my whole fucking, like, if that's the one place. I mean, I don't know. How long? How long would it take? I can't give an honest answer to that question because I can't, I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it in that type of environment. What if you had somebody to help?

Then it's not jacking off. Can you hear that? I can. It doesn't sound good at all. That sounds okay. I was wondering if it was just in my ears. No, you did that out loud. That's probably fine. Anyway. Are you all right, man?

Yeah, are you? You look like shit. You look like fucking shit, dude. You look like fucking shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I look fine, dude. Yeah.

I've been learning how to walk recently. How's that going? It's going okay, man. Um, you know, uh, it's funny to be a very able-bodied looking man. Um, not to, you know, toot my own horn here. I just don't look remotely disabled physically. Right. To be walking around with

the cane they give you six months before you die. Yeah. Just so you can take a shower without your dipshit son having to rub your balls or whatever. Right. I went and got a cane yesterday

because I'm disabled unfortunately i've done so many calf raises that my feet the the heels of my feet could not touch the ground nice and so i was on my the tiptoes right going through walgreens right you know me a player be strutting and they got these motherfuckers at the back of the store. They got the Canes and the Walkers at the back of the store. Now, I'm not a Canes scientist, nor am I a Walker scientist. But if you want to market something to people who can't walk very efficiently, and this is just me.

This is just me, Jake. I don't want to ruffle any feathers here. Right. I know we have a lot of big cane, big walker. Right. Corporate guys tuning in. But maybe don't put it at the fucking back of the store man because i can't fucking walk i can't walk i'm fucking hobbling through walgreens i'm the sad thing is uh you know there's a large homeless community in the area i was not walking the weirdest of

anyone in that store i wasn't even getting special attention there were dudes who were walking like you know like at a 180 degree angle or whatever anyway i get the fucking cane uh i'm trying to adjust it on my way out and i just rip it into two pieces Because it's one of those It clips in with the holes I fucked the whole game up immediately I ripped that motherfucker in two And then I I don't realize I'm not past the doors

Like the automatic doors In my head I was there in my car I was like three steps past The counter I pull it apart car I was like three steps past The counter I pulled it apart and I'm like God fuck me And everybody There's a line there and shit

I'm just causing a damn scene In this place I don't want to Be the guy who starts Walking in with a cane Like 20 minutes after he gets it. I want these motherfuckers to know that I need it. I need a cane.

I'm disabled as fuck. Bro, I'd be disabled as fuck. So I lean against the counter, and I put that bitch back together, but it takes me a couple minutes. Anyway, so I finally hobble out uh uh the shower situation has not been great yeah i took a normal one because i can sort of it's mostly normal today uh right but yesterday i was just doing a wall sit for like 15 minutes. That shit was rough. So, we used to have Christmas in my great-grandpa's place when I was a kid.

And this motherfucker's older than dirt, but he was one of those old dudes that like right up until he died was pretty active, and he would go on walks around the neighborhood. And he had the same cane forever. He was probably like at this point

probably like 89 90 i think i was like 16 17 we are at christmas at his place and he'd been talking for like the last few months or whatever i need a new cane but i don't want to get out and get one i had a cousin who had this he had, he was a special guy. He had, he was, had some disabilities. And he was, like, telling the whole party, the whole time, everybody in the family, I got great grandpa a really cool surprise. All you guys are going to be so surprised at what I got him. And we're like, all right.

Sick, man. That's really, really happy for you. I didn't get Hayes anything. I didn't get my great grandpa nothing. He's old as fuck. And he gets mad when you give him gifts. And he wanted his gift to be the last gift. The whole time, like, my great grandpa was talking about, like, he's been going on walks. And, like like little dogs

bother him and stuff and finally it's the gift given to great grandpa time my cousin is like you know gives him his gift it's clearly a cane it's a wrapped it's it's wrapped he's like oh guess what it is he's like i hope you don't guess what it is and we're all like oh that's oh that's so sweet or whatever it's like a very wholesome moment and uh he my you know my great grandpa was like chuckling like old fucking shit kicker style he's like i wonder what it could be and he he unwraps it and it's a cane it's a really fucking nice cane it's like uh like i like black metal and got like a fake marvel or maybe real marble handle i don't fucking remember cocksucker's dead now anyway uh my cousin goes you if you if you

twist the handle there's a surprise inside and we're all like what the fuck like i thought i just got him a normal ass cane so my grandpa twists the handle and he unsheathes a big sword. It's like a, it's like a sword cane. And it's like, now, when he did that, I realized, oh, this is one of those things, illegal things that you buy at, like, the Mexican flea market that they just have for some reason. Like, they have, like, big fucking Stetson cowboy hats, starch wranglers, and then, like, canes with fucking daggers in them and swords. And he's like, well, he's like, starts laughing and he's like well he's like starts laughing he's like

what's this for like like thank you you know whatever to my cousin my cousin's like so if any of the dogs attack you you could get him away with the sword my dad was there my dad i kept my dad has been holding it back the whole time the whole time my dad's red in the face and he's like trying not to laugh and he goes fuck no like bails out the front door and is dying laughing like i don't like i it hasn't clicked for me and my mom is just like she's trying but she's being more polite about it and uh like everybody's just everybody's got the same reaction but my dad is just he's a showman he's like fuck i could hear him out front like oh fuck like and i go out there and like a little bit later like everybody's wrapping it up my dad's out there he's like chain smoking he's like fuck i can't i can't stop and uh i was like i was like yeah it was pretty

funny and he's like listen to me he's like he was like you're he was like i know that it's funny but he's like i can't stop imagining your your grand your great-grandfather getting attacked by a chihuahua and him pulling the sword out and just cutting it in fucking half he's like i understand giving an 89 year old man a cane it's very sweet but it takes a special boy to get a cane with a sword in it and everyone knows that it's funny and it's sincere that it's a sincere gift but to give an old man a cane with a sword in it. And everyone knows that it's funny. And it's sincere, it's a sincere gift. But to give an old man a cane with the express purpose of, hey, if a dog attacks you on your little walk around the block,

you can kill that dog with a fucking sword cane. And I did get a better look at it at the end. I was like, oh, shit. Again, it was very much something like, you can go to the flea market and get like like a belt buckle that has like a brass knuckle attachment you know like it's one of those weird things you buy at a flea market but anyway like i just like i'm on the ride home my dad's like if i'm ever old as fuck he's like he's like if i ever make it to like 88, 89, which I ain't, he's like, you know,

you can't think of something to get your old man? You get me a fucking cane with a sword in it, with a big fucking sword in it, so if I get attacked by a little yappy dog on the way home, I can stab it in the fucking neck. Dude, my dad held on to that one forever, man. Like, he was like, hey, do you remember that time that your retarded cousin, like, just gave your great-grandpa a damn cane with a fucking sword in it? Like a damn Frenchman's rapier? I was like, yeah, Dave, I remember. And he's like, goddamn, as long as I live, that'll be one of the funniest fucking things that ever happened to me.

happened to me like i and again like it was made funnier by the fact that like everyone in the house was like this is fucking ridiculous there's no goddamn way that this old man has the wherewithal or the strength to fight a dog with a sword like like i like first of all it's a very silly gift but given the context you know know, whatever, right? But just the idea of, like, my old-ass great-granddad just, like, unsheathing. And again, what if you're the owner of the dog? Like, what if he were to, like, what if he jumps the shark? Like, he gets trigger happy and, like, you know, like a fucking, not necessarily a chihuahua, but a little bit of a bigger dog, like, runs up on him, and he just fucking gets trigger happy, pulls that thing out,

and just fucking shink right through its head. The owner's going to be like, well, I mean, he just, you know. What did I just see? Did an 89-year-old fucking man just pull a sword out of a cane and kill my buck? Dude, it was, I mean, just one of those, like, one of those moments in time I wish I would have captured on film. Just, just, eh yeah i love it i want to get one we should dude we should get pimp canes like the fuzzy ones are they fuzzy

no like a chalice you mean like the one with a big fake jewel on the fucking hilt i guess or whatever the fuck like like a little john head yeah yeah yeah dude you don't see here's something that i always wondered in the movies they make pimps dress like that you have a mental image of a pimp in your head uh but there was one time i was hanging around downtown houston late night with some friends, and there was a guy that we'd walk by, and he would be like, he was like, you looking for company? And it would like point, like do a little, not a point, but like a, like a girl standing next to him on her phone. And his guy was just wearing like a dirty Nike t-shirt and like basketball shorts. And I was like, dude, you got to like look the part, you know? Like, I don't know. I didn't, I walked by and I was telling dude you gotta like look the part you know like

i don't know i didn't i walked by and i was telling my friends like hey was that guy a pimp and they're like i think he was like trying to like you know pour this lady out or whatever and in my head i was like dude if you're gonna do that like get the hat get the boa get the suit like don't just wear what you'd wear to go lift or whatever like not like you go to go play pickup basketball like dude get like where the fucking fit maybe like the fit i don't think i don't just wear what you'd wear to go lift or whatever. Like, not like you go to go play pickup basketball. Like dude, get like, where the fucking fit,

maybe like the fit. I don't think, I don't think most of them dress like that anymore though. No, I know. I'm saying you need to bring it back. Like I would like, it's,

it's very much like you're going to tell us professional sex trafficker how to dress. Yeah, dude, come on. Don't you got to, I mean, that's the most detestable thing

you find about about his chosen about trafficking teenage girls yeah hey man if you're gonna do it you gotta dress right boy i'm not calling the cops on you man but what you gotta what you gotta do is you gotta wear a lot of mink you know also you gotta be a pretty high level pimp actually to dress like that you could buy the halloween you could fake it till you make it you got to be a pretty high level pimp actually to dress like that you could buy the halloween you could fake it till you make it you can buy the halloween outfit for ten dollars no dude you can't fucking do that yes you can dude come on man no what if they did it to get cops off their trail what if it was like a thing they're like ah we're too many of us are getting arrested wearing the fucking ice blue mink and the fucking big bow up in the feather hat.

We got to start dressing like we're going to the store. Yeah, we got to all get a 2009 Chrysler 300. That'll throw them off. Yeah, we got to get a Dodge Challenger with 210,000 miles on it. Dude, it wasn't a pimp. It was my drug dealer. He like drops off the face of the earth a dude wasn't a pimp it was my drug dealer uh he he like drops off he was also your pimp yeah he was my pimp um he was like a full-blown i don't know if you can you say the w word wankster but the other one i don't i think the jury's still out on that one i don't know you

mean wigger yeah i don't know i don't know let's see he was Wigger? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. He was one of those, okay? He was a very reliable drug dealer. One day, he just drops off the face of the earth. I couldn't get a hold of him. His phone went straight to voicemail. I was like, ah, he got got. Whatever. You don't think too much of it.

We hung out a handful of times. One day, like two or three months later, he texts me. He's like, hey, I'm back. And I was like, back from what? He was like, I'm just back slinging. Like, if you need something, let me know. And I was like, back from what? And he was like, I'm just back slinging. Like, if you need something, let me know. And I'm like,

actually kind of do need a little something. I was like, I'm getting eight ball from me. Whatever. So he, uh, pulls up in a fucking like, Oh,

like a, like an old model charger. Like one of the first ones, candy paint, purple underglow. Uh, I get in it and, uh,'s fucking like it's full full bone slap and uh he's like i just got out of jail uh sorry and i was like oh shit man like how long are you

in and he was like how long have i been like how long have you been not buying drugs from me and i was like i don't know he didn't say it like that but he was like how long he's like like three months or whatever and i was like damn man like this is a sick ass ride like did you get it like before like i'm glad to be back you can drive it around he's like oh no i got i bought it when i got out and i was like what he was like yeah i got out and i just wanted a new whip so i i was like you got out of jail and then you went to a used car like this dark car dealership by the way like i got a peek at the odometer like i was like are you sitting and i can see it had like 165,000

miles on it so i was like you get out of county jail for whatever reason i'm assuming drug related the first thing you do is you go buy like a 12 year old dodge charger with purple underglow and like candy paint and like 165,000 miles on it. No, I didn't ask him this question because I didn't want to get my head stabbed or whatever. But it was very funny to me. You think you get out of jail and you're like, all right, I got to go see what's up with the apartment. Did I get evicted? I can't pay fucking rent.

I got to go check in with some people. The first thing you do, you get out of jail at like eight in the morning as you go buy a used car. And again, I don't know how much money you spend on it, but it's like, it's very funny. Like I'm still stunting. I still got it like that. I'm gonna go buy a fucking slab and then start making the rounds. I guess like it was that day. Like he was back at it like that day. All right. It's just very like, very funny to me. I don't know why I'm expecting a Coke dealer to make smart decisions. I guess. You know, like especially kind of like a low level guy, but. It'd be like a Dave

Ramsey style Coke dealer. Yeah. Yeah. He was doing good. He was a super chill guy. One time he fronted my roommate. Not an insignificant amount of blow. And my old roommate. And my roommate was going to sell it at a bar that we frequented.

And I was staying in for some reason that night. So, anyway, he leaves on the bus. He comes back, and he's like, and I was like, oh, well, how'd it go, man? Did you make some money? He was like, oh, no, I did all of it. And I was like, all of it? And he's like, yeah.

And I was like, you were fronted this, correct? And he's like, yeah, Matt, you know, I mean, you think he's like yeah and i was like you were fronted this correct and he's like yeah matt you know i mean you think he's gonna be mad and i was like i live in the same house as you do and he knows where i live and he knows you live here so one of us has to die like like really soon like you need to like he's like no he's not like that. And I was like, I don't know if he is, but I'm not really in the business of finding out, like, at all. I was like, you need to clear that up with him. And he's like, nah, I mean, I think I'm just going to, like, you know, like, maybe he'll just, like, forget about it. And I was like, he sells drugs to us regularly i text him twice a week you text him

the same amount of time you just did this deal with him he's not gonna this isn't like like oh uh i'm gonna me and you hang out thomas and i pay for your dinner and i'm like i'm like hey man vinmo me back whenever this This is not like that. This is drugs. Not an insignificant amount of drugs. It's also, it's not weed. It's cocaine. It's not like, oh, man, can you give me back for that eighth?

What's an eighth of weed cost? $30? Like, yeah, man, whatever. Like, whenever you get paid. No. It's not an eighth of weed. So, like, I'm getting texts from the guy. He's like, hey, your roommate's kind of ducking me on this

so like can you tell him you know like what's up and i'll be like i mean yeah i can do that he's right here i'd be like hey man and he's like yeah just tell him i'll get it to him and i'm like i'm not gonna play messenger for you like i do not want to be caught in the middle of this like and of course i was but like i don't remember what they worked out eventually but like nothing i didn't get my house exploded or anything but it was it was a very harrowing time like to be caught in the middle well i mean when you think about it like you deserved it yeah yeah i mean drug you like people who do drugs like kind of deserve like the death penalty stuff yeah i mean that's our that's our standpoint on it it'd be very like we just become like yeah like hey man

like i know if you're struggling out there with like pills or alcohol or heroin just know that you're a low-down dirty dog yeah like you're you're worthless dude you're nothing yeah yeah you're and you're nothing like at all to me or to society if you've ever smoked a cigarette you should kill yourself correct i i'm gonna go on record and say i endorse that position. I remember when I was at the outpatient thing and we're doing group or whatever and everybody's sharing stories and people are like,

how long have you been sober or whatever? And this one lady was like, oh, you know, I had a bad pill problem and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I've got like seven months. You know, it's not a very long time, but I'm proud of those days. And everybody's like clap, clap, clap, whatever. It was like a – it was not a rehab. It was like mental home or whatever. We get out there and we're all like had a smoking

section we get out there and she gets in her purse she's like oh god almost like i almost forgot and i was like oh shit like you like take your medicine and we're just talking medications and she was like oh no this is vicodin and i was like you just uh we were in there talking like you got like seven months. She was like, oh, I just tell them that. Like, you just lie to them. And I was like, I was like, I don't know. I was kind of like, what? She was like, yeah, no.

I mean, like they ask, you just say you've been sober or whatever. And I was like, oh, you're like way worse off than I am. Like, you know, you've got problems and then you meet like way worse off than I am. Like, you know you've got problems, and then you meet – like, I always kind of like – I don't like those meetings, and I did not like spending like a week in that outpatient program. But it does give you perspective. Like, you meet people, and you're like, man, my dad was just kind of weird, and I don't have any money, but you're fucked.

Like, you're like, me? I mean, I – you know, like, some shit happened to me, and I like to do drugs a little too much, but you aren't going to last long on this earth. Like, to just boldface be like, dude, seven months. Like, to teach. She had a tear. She's like, seven months.

You know, it's, we're on the path to healing, and it's hard. But every day I wake up, and I choose my health and then like at the smoking section be like dude i love viking i fucking love eating pill like no i like it was just like mind-boggling to me because i've always like always had a policy of being honest with doctors and therapists and it sometimes it was like not... I mean, it was good that they knew how to... You don't have to be. You don't have to be.

But I think it's better for them to diagnose you properly. Like, whatever. Well, that's gay. So that's a female trait right there. I've never admitted to any type of tobacco use or nicotine use to any medical professional in any capacity.

I've, like, shown up to the doctor before, like, clearly, like, having taken a dip out of my mouth, like, 35 minutes per hour. And they're like, you need tobacco use? I'm like, nope. That would make my health insurance cost more so the uh one of my old roommates zach i've talked about him before he was like uh he was like hey man um you you got a therapist right like a legit shrink like they could prescribe you meds and i'm like yeah yeah well it's like a two-in-one deal like she's my talk therapist and she's my shrink i go twice a week he was like oh that's that's cool man so like she can she can

write you scripts of like like xanax and fucking klonopin like all the good shit and i'm like well like uh she's kind of like hesitant to do that um because she knows about like my history with drugs he was like why the fuck would you tell her that and i was like she's my therapist um she needs to know like if i'm on shit so if she prescribes me an ssri there's no contraindications interactions and he's like that's fucking stupid man if i had a shrink i would just like like have her give me as many pills as i could get and i was like i was like that's like not you know like they're trying to help you get better and he's like that shit don't work just fucking get pills dude and i was like now later on i definitely did get pills from her but at the

time i was like no man i tell her that i like do vicodin and cocaine and he was like why the fuck would you tell a doctor that and i'm like there was one time i walked in and my blood pressure was not good i was probably like 22 and i had a really early, it wasn't a therapist appointment. It was like a doctor doctor's appointment and, uh, it was fucked up and I was still drunk and kind of like tweaking from the night before. And, uh, the nurse was like, okay, um, you know, do you smoke cigarettes? And I was like, yeah, a lot. She was like, okay, well, like, do you, are you on like, you know, any medications or whatever? And I was like yeah a lot she was like okay well like are you on like you know any medications or whatever and i was like uh i'm still drunk right now and i did a bunch of cocaine last

night and she was like thanks uh she was like she was like okay well the doctor will be right with you like whatever and my it was my family like not my family doctor but the doctor i had been seeing for a long time and she definitely told him about that. Because he walks in like, I mean, no one can see the face I'm making, but he's just like, you know, he was like, so you want to talk to me about what you told the nurse? And I was like, well, what's there to talk about? And he was like, well, your blood pressure was through the roof, man.

Like, she tells me you've been abusing cocaine and you're drunk right now and i was like i mean i like not in the morning it was like i went to bed like three hours ago and he's like i don't he's a doctor he's had her maintained decorum but he was like i don't um what's going on man like what are we what are you here for i was like i gotta like my stomach's been fucked up and he's like do you not think you know like i've told you i think maybe i brought this up on an early episode but he was the doctor i was probably like 20 or 21 and and uh you know he's asking all the questions he's like tobacco use and i'm like yep he's like how much i'm like pack pack and a half a day

sometimes more he's like okay he's like alcohol use. And I'm like, I blackout five nights a week. And he's like, Oh, right. Okay. He's like drugs. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, okay, which ones? And I'm like, uh, cocaine, Xanax, um, Vicodin, Dilaudid. And he's like Dilaudid. And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, where? How are you? I'm like, it's not important. And he kind of like puts the notepad down and he's like, you're going to die? Like, are you like, you know that? Like, you're going to die?

And I was like, no, man, I'm just like hanging out. And he's like, what are you? And I was like, I'm just, this was like one of the conversations I had with him where I was like, dude, college kids party. And he's like, kids in college don't snort Dilaudid. Like, do you understand what he's like? Do you know who we give Dilaudid to? We give it to cancer patients and people with fucking like that are going out. He was like, that's not like, Oh, a little, a little bit of Molly on the weekend. That is a

high octane painkiller and you're mixing it with cocaine and i'm like yeah dude it feels awesome i didn't say that but i'd like that why all the fuck else would i do it you know what else feels awesome having a wallet dude having a wallet it feels getting a new wallet feels just like doing delorean and cocaine not any wallet though having a wallet from the Ridge Wallet. The Ridge Wallet. Ridge Wallet is the fucking premier front pocket wallet. No more fat, fucking thick, stinky, leather back pocket wallets for fucking dorks.

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ridge.com slash PENDEJO. That's ridge.com slash, all caps, P-E-N-D-E-J-O. They're going to give you 10% off everything in the fucking store. All right? I got one of these motherfuckers, and it's sick. I love having it. You can buy Jake. 90% price.

I'm on the website. If you want to get a little... If you want to buy Jake, 500 bucks. That's not a bad deal. Not a bad deal. And with 10% off, hey, that's 450. Yeah, I think that's percentages. Yep.

So you're going to fucking love this wallet, all right? You're going to say, why the fuck did I ever have a big dick, stupid fucking... You're going to feel stupid as fuck for ever having your old wallet. For ever having a different wallet. You're going to feel like your dick was smaller, even though this is not... There's no guarantee it makes it bigger, but it doesn't make it smaller, probably. For sure. Hey, you know what? These motherfuckers come with a lifetime warranty also.

Yeah, you know how your wallets keep dying? Yeah, they keep blowing up in your back pocket because how much money you have you know how little gypsy kids keep throwing them into the river yeah yeah this wallet cannot be thrown into the fucking river because it's got rfi it can it can it can but i don't want to say it can be saved it can be saved so again let's say you meet a huge gypsy and he keeps throwing your wallets into the river. Well,

you can, uh, they'll be all right with Ridgewallet. That's again going to be coupon code PE. Here at Ridgewallet, we'll go toe to toe with any fucking gypsy scum. I don't know if we're allowed to say that here, but anyway, that's going to be coupon code P-E-N-D-E-J-O,

Pendejo, for 10% off the store. Brought to you by Ridge Wallet. They're called Romanis, actually. All right, yeah, that's okay. All right. Anyway. Anyway, I don't know. Listen, at Pendejo Time, we always try to stay on the cutting edge and on things that you can and can't say.

Dude, I don't know if... I remember... I remember a time... I don't think that you like... I don't think that's a bad one to say, but people... There was like a thread on it where it's like... It's bad to say, oh, I don't think that's a bad one to say, but people, there was like a thread on it where it's like, it's bad to say, oh, I've been gypped.

Or whatever. And I'm not doing like an old anti-PC thing that's really stupid and gay. What I am saying is that I think Gypsy rolls off the tongue, and I like saying it. I'm not saying it to be contrarian. I'll tell you what sounds weird is when you say, oh, I got Jewed.

Yeah, that one's tough that one's like that one's really tough that one's like i don't know it doesn't it doesn't flow no that's a classic one though you don't hear that one a lot like like oh i just got jewed over on that deal it's like i what man like that's like a very old, like, 1945... Yeah, it's... I got Serbed over on that, you know? Yeah, yeah. Hey, we can't...

We got a couple listeners from Serbia. We gotta keep it clean on the pod. Sorry to, you know, wherever the fuck that is. Yeah, I don't know where that's at. Is that... I guess it's somewhere, man. It's near Bosnia. Yeah, they're't know where that's at. Is that... I guess it's somewhere, man. It's near Bosnia. They're the same place.

You're going to get a DM from like... I got to stop. My neighbors are going to be mad as fuck at me, dude. Okay, goodbye now. Okay, can you keep it down for me, please? Okay. Okay, can you please? I have work tomorrow.

He kisses me every time. It does, dude. It's not. It's not. Every podcast has their thing, I guess. Like, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were too loud.

Could you maybe keep it down? I said sorry. I saw that you were too loud. Could you maybe keep up? I said sorry to you. For me? I keep it down. I keep it down for now. I keep it down for now. I will be getting loud soon. The party is only just beginning.

It is my nephew's second birthday So we are having 276 people over They will be coming in three cars They will be coming It is going to be two Chevy Silverados lowered And then one Astrovan Dude, I remember One of my

One of my best friends in the world uh like he invited he was like hey uh do you want to come to a party um down the road like my cousin lives uh like two streets away from i was living with my grandma at the time in this little fucking shithole town called pasadena and uh i was like yeah man it sounds awesome i got nothing to do tonight and so uh they're all Salvadorian. And I had gone to like one of their like actual like party parties before. And they fucking cook great food. They drink.

They have a great fucking time. Dude, I get there and there are cars lined up the street to the other side of the block. And I was like, dude, somebody fucking got married or what? Dude, like what the fuck is going on? And I get in there. And, and dude i mean it like i said full fucking spread but who says fucking the fixings everything fucking 50 bottles of tequila kegs like the whole nine yards dude and uh i'm like you know immediately walk the door shots food fucking smoking weed and i'm like hey what's the occasion i asked my friend and he was like oh uh my cousin's nephew he just turned one and i was like nice that's funny he was like

no man like this is how we do it and i was like i don't understand he's like hey you've been living in pasadena texas for a long time i'm like yeah he's like, hey, you've been living in Pasadena, Texas for a long time. I'm like, yeah. He's like, any time that you hear like, and there's like 60 cars out front, and they're all in the front yard hammered as shit by noon, and they go until like 4 in the morning, it's not a big occasion. It's not a wedding. It's not a graduation. And sometimes it is. Nine times out of ten, it's because a baby just turned two years old.

And I had like, I was like, dude, it was so alien to me. I was like, dude dude that's awesome like white people like i don't know like you know yeah you know yeah but it's like i was like you're telling me that there are 200 people in this like 1200 square foot house in south houston because a baby turned one year old he's 12 months he's been on planet earth alive for 365 days and they're like yeah he's like it's the craziest fucking shit isn't it and i'm like i mean it's just very funny to me to organize a party that size and to buy that much liquor and that much food for something that does not even

understand like it isn't like a human being yet at least it's like it is but it says not joined the moral community well i mean when you do it like that it's like uh you're not like degenerates or anything you just right no that's you know how to celebrate that's how it was laid out to me it's basically i was like you know you guys like need like all this liquor like why are these adults here like they even know the baby he's like i don't know that baby i know my cousin and he was like we're gonna we got like three kegs and i was like for a one-year-old's birthday party he's like yeah dude he was like we're gonna we got like three kegs and i was like for a one year old's birthday party he's like yeah dude i was like we're smoking weed right now he's like

yeah he's like i got edibles in the oven and i was like for a one-year-old's party you made edibles he's like uh-huh i was dude it just like it like, I remember one time I went to, uh, my buddy, he was like, Hey, we're gonna, uh, we're going to a quinceanera after party. And I was like, that sounds really fucking weird to me. He was like, no, it's not like that. And I was like, I need you to explain to me what it is like. Cause I don't understand why I would ever go to something like that. And he was like, it's like the, it's like the thing. It's like the baby. Like there is a celebration of something that is just family. And then there's like a celebration like the next day that's like, we are going to shut this neighborhood down.

SWAT might come. But you find out the celebration is like, yeah, like somebody turned like an age that doesn't matter. Not 21, not 15, not 18. It's like, oh, yeah, it's my dad's 51st birthday. So we bought a kilo of cocaine and a fucking.50 caliber machine gun. We got a monster truck, fucking The Undertaker's here. I want to, dude, I hope.

We should start doing that for like pet birthdays as white people. Yeah. Have like 600 people out. Yeah. You know, the cops are all out with us just drinking and everything and yeah yeah we just go trample some neighborhoods for the 100th episode you and me should like try to buy a decommissioned like minigun and then

recommission it somehow i'm sure there's a guy on twitter that follows just buy like an old crown vic with the black and white paint on it and just start crashing it into cars. Dress up like cops. Yeah. If only there was a movie like that. Right. If only there was a movie that was wildly successful. That literally happened in. I had a

Crown Vic for a little while. Dude, fucking the best cars, man. They got bench seats. It's like a couch on wheels. and it wasn't white or nothing but people still like i would pull up in front of house parties and like turn the brights on like at night like you can't see i would just like and people like would be in the front they would like scatter and i was like nice but i always wanted the black and white one because it's like i don't know i would just love to follow really close behind people and then have

them put like three bullets through my windshield or something. Yeah. Have them kill me dead for no reason. Yeah, I actually would hate that. You would hate to get riddled with bullets and die? I hate getting killed. Are all, like... I don't know.

I feel like I see one of those every six months or so where it's, like, it's just, just like an old decommissioned one supposedly. But I don't know if they have those for like unmarked vehicles still. Well, you can buy them at auction for super fucking cheap, man. Like, they'll have like 185,000 miles on them, but those four, like those engines are the same ones that they put in the old Mustang GTs. They can go forever. It was like just a super super solid small block V8. They run forever.

I had mine for so long. It was a great car. But you can get them at auction for dirt cheap, and they'll gut out the cage in the back. But sometimes they still have the floodlight, which I wanted one of those so fucking bad. The light that sits on the side, like where the side mirror is. It's like the brightest thing on planet Earth.

I was like, fuck, I want one of these. But, yeah, I know you can get them for super cheap. Maybe I'll go buy one. I kind of miss having one. Yeah, we should both just get, like, a beater Crown Vix. Yeah, do Demolition Derby, like, in your neighborhood. Yeah, I'm'm gonna look up used crown vicks you know this could be my new role in the show i just look up things you talk about

you're the you're jamie crown vicks for sale use crown victoria forward thanks let's see there's actually damn all right these are more than i thought they would be were they like two three grand no some of these are like eight you gotta you gotta like put in parameters man like max price all right i'm seeing one for 1600 here it's got 215 000 miles on it that's awesome dude i think this could be we should just become like some of those guys who just show up at auctions all the time except not the ones who have like two million in like farm money right there's guys who have like 500 bucks put together yeah and we're gonna use it on something we're going to use it on a Crown Victoria that has 215,000 miles on it. We should kill somebody.

Yeah, you know, I always, like, had an idea, like, a good movie or a show. I want someone to explore, like, the world of world of like actual contract killing. Like if you've read anything about like Hitman, it's not like the Hitman game. And it certainly isn't like, you know, CIA. It's like those guys get paid like $800. Like they get paid like a two week or a week check at like an okay job. You know, like it's not a lot of money yeah it's worth it though yeah imagine doing the thing that corrodes and taints your soul more than any

other act to basically make like 45 000 a year maybe more maybe you know maybe like 60 or whatever i could do it. You think you could kill people for money? Yeah. I'm already a podcaster. Yeah, dude, podcasting is like... Wouldn't be much of a jump. This world is cutthroat, son. And you're just beginning to learn.

You're just... You've walked into the wrong trap, pal. You think it's all sunshine and roses not anymore you think life is a fucking picnic boy you think you think it's all dandy lines and flowers do one of those like uh like the former special forces guys that have those like Do one of those, like, the former Special Forces guys that have those, like, you know, like, tier one operator podcasts where they're like, you know, you wake up, you think the sun's shining on you, pussy boy, but you don't know half of it. You ain't ever killed a child for fun. You think you're all cozy with your Pop-Tarts and your everyday Carrie subreddit.

You come out here. I used to kill people in Africa. We weren't even stationed out there, man. We weren't even supposed to be. I wasn't even in the military. I worked for a safari guide. I was supposed to be weed eating and mowing. I was out there hitting

fucking antelope with a zero turn. He's like, Jocko Willick is like, wait, hold on. You weren't a beret. Nah, I don't know where you got that idea. I just was working in Senegal on one of them safari... I got arrested for public masturbation on the Nile River. I didn't even know there was police out there, but there is.

I was trying to jack off on an alligator out there, a crocodile. Get him to jump out of the water and... I was drunk as fuck, though. I don't even... So let me get this straight you're stealing valor and you never served and you killed innocents in the sahara desert i mean you put it that way yeah yeah i did that i guess you could say i'm i mean i'm kind of like a psychopath killer you think you can wake up every day and dress up

like a like the guy that owns Curious George? Like an old farm wife and you kiss an African warlord on the lips like he's your husband? You do that every day. You go out and you pretend to be a giraffe

and you chain yourself up to a tree and you say, Here, lions! I'm a giraffe and you chain yourself up to a tree and you say here lions i'm a giraffe you think you could do that oh so you're mr navy seal you think you're tough because you survived several tours through some of the harshest environments i was married to an African human trafficker 15 years. Okay? And I liked it. You think you're a big old badass because you never had a gang of hyenas run a train on you? Oh, Mr. Green Beret thinks he's tough because he knows jiu-jitsu.

You ever been fucked by six wild mountain gorillas? What is that Tim Tim Kennedy guy? The MMA fighter? He's like, hold on, man. Stop. Joe Rogan. Okay. I brought you on under the pretense that you were in Kandahar. Your book was about...

Yeah, those are lies. I told you I can't get hard because I keep thinking about those damn gorillas. I told you. I told you I can't get hard because I keep thinking about those damn gorillas. I told you. I told you that I can't get hard. Yeah, I can't get hard. Listen. I know that you might be upset because I maybe have alluded that I was in the Army and the Navy at the same time.

However, I did sell five to six hundred children off a shrimp boat off the coast of Louisiana. off a shrimp boat off the coast of Louisiana. I also may or may not have been in a romantic relationship with an alligator. And I may or may not have. Joe's like, come on, get to the part about I thought you were in the military. No, no, again, I was never. I tried to join up, but they said I had, what's that called, bipolar schizophrenia.

And they don't take too kindly to that. You know, I may not be the world's greatest UFC fighter or whatever, but I did at one point in my life buy and sell Francis Ngannou's entire family. So you have to think about that well that is not funny okay no it's not it's that that is it's a sad story that is a sad that's not something that i would laugh at. And I don't like that you said that. I don't know how we got to that guy. I don't know where that started.

And it doesn't matter. I do think it's funny, though, that, like, after, like, because Blackwater changed its name. And, like, PMCs exist. Like, private military contractors are still. there's like black water changed its name and like like pmcs exist like private military contractors are still it's like a booming industry what's black water now uh academy literally but with i instead of a y like it's not sports and outdoors it's like killing little you know girls and people and stuff oh moving moving opium and shit like that uh anyway if you don't like join up like if you're a special forces guy and you don't like join one of those fucking outfits, you start a podcast called like Choke Point. And you like get really in to like jujitsu and then like talking about like waking up at three in the morning and doing like a thousand sit ups.

And you're like, that's normal. Like every man should wake up at 3 in the morning and do 1,000 sit-ups and eat 72 ounces of red meat. I've been doing it. I'm redder than fuck. I have a systolic. I'm 380 over 210, but that's – blood pressure ain't really something that they tell you a lot about,

and I think it's like a myth, you know, I wake up every morning. I listened to fucking cannibal corpse. My wife has left. She's been gone seven, eight months. I wake up every fucking morning at three in the morning,

a thousand sit-ups, a thousand pushups. I cut myself with a fucking box cutter. 4 a.m. I ate a 72 ounce steak, 12 eggs. I do a thousand pull-ups. 8 a.m., I ate a 72-ounce steak, 12 eggs. I do 1,000 pull-ups.

8 a.m., I dry fire my Glock into my mouth 10 to 15 times just to get the feel back, you know, just to get her going. By that point, my legs have gone numb from the red meat. Now, to counteract that, you're going to want to inject yourself with epinephrine, adrenaline. Now you're at 9 a.m. Now you can start your work day i would like to be you can either be one of those guys or you can like reinvent the wheel on one like coffee or soap or like i serve but like black rifle coffee company everybody knows

that one but i saw an ad where you just started like a pre-workout called like rape or whatever yeah yeah there was like there was one i saw a soap company that was like i forget it was like a tactical soap or something that's not the name of it but it was soap on a rope but the rope was like it wasn't like a normal rope it was like a carbon you know fiber and it was like soap for when you know and i'm like what the like did like and then you go to the website on the about me page it's like this is soap like by men for men veteran owned green beret army ranger and i'm like are do you guys make money doing this also you could just lie me and you our next

fucking money adventure money venture we start a website we sell soap or it's like toothbrushes doritos for real men doritos for war's like toothbrushes. Doritos, for real, man. Doritos for war criminals. Like, just something... Dude, I bet for energy drinks, you could make a fucking killing off those. Dude, for sure. In fact... I mean, they already do.

I imagine there's already, like, several, like... Right. I think Black Rifle Coffee might actually have, like, an energy drink thing now. Or, like, the energy drink thing now. Or, like, it's kind of like the Starbucks ones. It's very funny to me that, like, there's also that clothing company, Grunt Style. They're the ones that had that commercial where it's, like, all these people are protesting, and then, like, it zooms in on a cop's face, and he, like, extends the baton, and it zooms in,

and it's like, da-da-da- grunt style this will defend or whatever and like those things like guys that like push their wives like into the pools too hard like they love they never served but they love like operator gear and i like that's such a fucking genius market where it's like i'm gonna make clothes i'm gonna make a pair of shorts that have like a musket on it and a hand grenade and i'm gonna 60 for a pair of fucking shorts and i'm gonna sell them to these guys and i'm gonna make a fucking killing honestly i'm mad that i did not get in on that i didn't serve serve, but I think it – I mean, who gives a shit? I think you did.

I think you did serve. Podcasting is serving. You serve and you protect. Because when I swerve, I need to protect. When I swerve with my protect, I stay a wreck and I got the tech. And I keep a check. And I cash a check and you break your neck looking at my sex v tech looking at my sex looking at my sex you say what oh i know this girl looking at my sex i know this girl be beginning my sex bitch i know you looking

at my sex bitch i know you trying to think like a skinwalker trying to ingratiate himself. I'm trying to think like a little Uzi, like trying to... Like grandpa. Yeah. She see my sex. She want to see my sex. She won't give me neck. She want...

See? She looking at sex. She checking on my sex. She, she, she. Drake's like, she checking on it. She looking at, she just want to look at sex. I be with my checks mix she'd check on my sex mix why are you on snapchat well you could be on sex chat when you could be hanging out in sex chat

with me dude 45 other dudes that are all above 39 that look slightly younger than joe budden yeah and and and and with every passing year that's becoming less and less the case, by the way. By the way, can I add you on, Kit? Do people even still use that? She wanted to see sex. She wanted to be on a seesaw, but she needs to see sex. Yeah, I remember when you used to seesaw.

We went to seesaw. Now all you see is sex. All you see is my sex. Do you like trail mix? Yeah, and now all I see is my XO. XO, like tic-tac-toe. Haven't seen. Except instead of an O and an X, it's blowin' on sex.

It's a new Drake song. It's a new Drake song. It's Chex Mix. People can't believe we don't come up with this stuff ahead of time. People can't believe that we don't script this. I know when I see some sex. That is the very best. Do you know what comes next?

Look here at my hairy chest. Stop. Ever since I left the city. Jake. Do you know that my name is jake you could hang out with look at my sex i want to smell it when your water break i love the look man it's it's a fucking old hat but i like like it's funny that he you he and when this was when he started, obviously he was young enough to pigeonhole himself as this type of guy.

Like Snapchat, like just broke. Instagram still had like the old logo and shit. I don't even know if you could message people on there. And like, as he inches towards 40, it's like, well, you either have to reinvent yourself or you can just keep doing this and i think he's chosen the latter the picture of him with the heart shaved in his head and he's doing like the thotty nurse pose where he's like i'm like bro dude you are quickly approaching like be like being the age where you have to get a prostate exam every year. That's what you're thinking about?

You're thinking about Drake's prostate? You're approaching fucking 40 years old, man. You got to cut the shit out. But I guess, I mean, I guess if that's your whole character and your career is contingent upon passing yourself off as such, like, you know, what do you do? You can't start writing stuff like, I'm an old head. Like, you know, you can't like, you got to keep being like, do you do? You can't start writing stuff. Like I'm an old head. Like, you know, you can't like chant your,

like, you gotta keep being like, do you like to DM me? We could look at girl. Do you want to see a picture of a palm tree? Do you want to watch Disney with me? Do you want to drink a cocktail? Do you want to have,

have you ever had a pina colada at Disneyland? What's your favorite flavor of Capri Sun? Mine's wild cherry. Oh, it's fruit punch. I don't like that one too much, but it's okay with me. You can come over and I'll have some for you. How old are you? Baby girl, I got every nick related channel even nick at night oh

nothing bad's gonna happen to me at least for probably like 10 more years because i'm still wildly famous but probably in like 15 they're gonna be a Hulu documentary about me. And I was texting teens. And it won't be good. But, hey, we're rocking right now. Baby girl, I got a gun made out of diamond. That bullet's going to shoot pretty far away. I mean, I think, you know, Drake, if you're listening. He is. You don't have to act like he's not. I'm going, I think, you know, Drake, if you're listening. He is.

You don't have to act like he's not. I'm going to humble brag, you know. Drake, my boy. I love you, man. I know you're a pedophile. Keep rocking with it, man. I know that you, like, you know, something bad probably happened to you. Kind of like a Charlie Sheen situation, I imagine, brother.

Yeah. Suge Knight was the last to get his hands on you. Yeah. Like fucking Birdman or P. Diddy or whatever. I don't know. But it happens to the best of us, man. It happened to Jake. Yep.

And, uh... Happened to Jake. Yep. And, uh... This is not a joke. I got fucked by Birdman. Yeah. He made me spit on his head and rub it. Uh, you know... Make it shine here. Drake.

Bye.