Pendejo Time - Kervil and Hank

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

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So Thomas is telling me about a the last episode and you know the lady Left leaves her husband for a Best Buy employee, and then he gambles all of her money away. That's that's the that's what happened I mean, maybe it wasn't all her money, but it did seem like $700,000 I think for most people is probably most there $700,000 I think for most people is probably most of their most I mean most people don't have a lot more than that Yeah, even even us we only have eight nine hundred thousand

So if you lost yours, yeah, yeah, I would have to move some money over from savings if I lost that much Yeah for sure. I was so part of Sometimes like part of my day job like, you know, I do like advertising or whatever, but sometimes we'll get these like weird one-off clients and I Got to be careful about what I say not for work, but because this is an ongoing Thing so there's a dentist in Buffalo, New York and he's got a place in Tempe, I think, Arizona. And this dentist straight up rapes people. He is like, it's not like he's been getting away with it for a long time in Buffalo and in Tempe Because it's his father's practice so his dad was also a rapist dentist and

his brother is a dentist and he also apparently rapes and he is also a rapist and And they they're gonna be really good dentist Yeah, I mean what so he goes the guy actually went viral because he And they always- They're gonna be really good dentists though. Yeah, I mean, so he goes, the guy actually went viral because he, one of his patients was a meth addict and he gave her free veneers and like full dental surgery and she like posted her video of herself and was like, oh, I got clean, but my teeth were rotted out.

So Dr. So-and-so of Buffalo, New York gave me free teeth. And now I like love myself again. And that bought him like a good number of years of like, of goodwill from the people of Buffalo. And they kind of forgot about everything else. But so the story goes is that for the last like 30 or 40 years and he does, he's like terminally horny obviously being a rapist, he does stuff like he'll hire

a dental assistant right, like out of college and like the court cases, like I've read some of them in like the articles from like old news clippings and way back machine in Buffalo and in Arizona. He'll literally do stuff like, do you wanna get in the chair and test the chair out? And the dental assistants like, I know like how these work or whatever.

And he's like, we can also, we can test out some of the laughing gas together too. Like if you just wanna maybe try some of it to make sure it's like working and they'll be like, I don't think I want to do that. And then he'll be like, okay, and then he'll fire them. And then he'll run that gamut until something takes, you know what I mean? But anyway, we get hired on by an attorney. And this attorney was having us run smear campaigns or having me run smear campaigns, or having me run smear campaigns

against this evil dentist for being, you know, like a sexual predator and a monster. And I was like, well, why the fuck does this, I mean, obviously this guy's doing a good Samaritan thing. We were making like social campaigns targeted towards the people of Buffalo with his picture and was like, and he wanted to get Billboards and all this shit and he was like this dentist rapes people Like don't go get your teeth fixed by this dentist and it would be like a picture that he snapped of him in his car And it was all fucked up, and he's like balding and fat. I mean he looks like a guy who would be like a rapist and

No disrespect to our fat bald audience, no this is most of you guys I'm sorry. I feel like that was bad to say I you know what I'm like if you think of like a pedophile Whatever is in your head. That is what yeah, and so no disrespect to all the pedophile also listen I know some of you guys probably 70% of our base And so I was like what other than trying to do the right thing because this guy hates this motherfucker, dude like he's like he'll send in like Testimonials from his clients and is like we've got to get this piece of shit and I'm like, okay Like he's just doing the right thing like, you know

But I mean this motherfucker hates this evil dentist that you know Like tries to sexually assault his co-workers and his brothers Is also evil and his dad was apparently also evil as it turns out as It turns out man the dentist had a Consensual sexual relationship with this lawyer's wife, not a rape. The lawyer's wife was cheating on him with the fat,

fucked up, red-faced, plump, alcoholic, rape dentist who destroyed his whole life. It completely ruined him. He's completely like, I don't even know if he takes other cases anymore man like this guy Like it pays us or was paying like basically just me through the company To just he's like I got pictures of this guy. I've got testimonials. We're taking them to the fucking cleaners, dude We got to get this guy out of here, and I was like no out of the kindness of your heart, man

That's great. Yeah get this guy out of here and I was like oh out of the kindness of your heart man that's great yeah this guy shouldn't be like a pillar of the community which is like kind of what some people view him as or whatever and I was digging around and I was searching the name of the dentist in the name of the lawyer and one of the old articles I found was like you know local feud between attorney and dentist spurred on by you know like scandalous affair and I read it and like apparently in like the late 90s early 2000s yet this attorney's wife was like I don't like being married to this rich lawyer who's like a good guy I think I want to go fuck this like red-faced plump sexually deviant dentist that tries to fuck his

patients and also tries to have sex with all of the like assistants that he hires through various pranks of trying to get them to take the laughing gas or something allegedly or whatever and so once I knew that I was like talking to some of the people I worked with and I was like I think I've got to the bottom of this and one of the guys that work was like, I think I've got to the bottom of this. And one of the guys I worked with was like, yeah, it's like a local legend in Buffalo. Apparently he's from upstate New York. He's like, yeah, this is like a Hatfield and McCoy situation.

It's like a blood feud between this attorney and this whole family of sexually deviant dentists. And what's really bad about it I mean obviously Norm Macdonald like I think it was the rape obviously that's bad, but dude if my wife Cheated on me if I was a provider I you know like she didn't have to work a day in her life like I had everything paid for I was a well-respected Attorney and she cheats on me with the the devious dentist Fucking kill everybody I would kill myself

So I guess he's doing the right thing by like going You know he's going nuclear scorched earth on this motherfucker dude like it's it's all pistons firing all systems go trust the plan Like get this dentist or whatever the fuck and I have to make these like billboard designs where it's the guys face And it's like has this guy fixed your teeth. Oh also He makes me he asked me to use really like Kitchy pun language like you would like a Don Draper where one of the things was like he doesn't just drill teeth This dentist like I'm not kidding dude verbatim handle like on my mother's life

That was one of the things he pitched to me He's like hey Jake. I got a good funny idea for you. We got a billboard says this dentist doesn't just drill your teeth Want to find out more go to so-and-so calm this is attorney's website. I was like hey Bill let's call him bill. Hey bill. I Don't think that that I think that's a little bit like Too on the nose for this dentist that has sex with people while they're asleep You know what? I mean? Like I'm not gonna start doing like type five like Steven Wright puns About this rapist evil dentist. He was like, I understand where it coming from

but yeah, the origin of the whole thing is is that and I feel for the guy like I said man like imagine you find out your wife's cheating on you with like, like a fucking, like a rape teeth man, like the raper dentist. I would fucking, it would be the end of the road for me. I would lose my mind. So I don't know, I guess respect that he hasn't killed everybody in Buffalo, but he did get sued, not the lawyer, the dentist got sued and things aren't looking too hot but it's why we think he's moving down to Arizona

down to Tempe to get his dental thing back going and I guess he thinks if he moves to Arizona he can rape more because I don't know it's not like it's far enough away from home. He can get his groove back, I suppose. Yeah, I was gonna say, Jake, who's funding this smear campaign? Mr. Candy? Fuck you, dude. Who's funding the the the Mars

Wait sounds like the work of the tooth fairy Play tired of all the competition the big sugar is This is like some true detective Yeah, what is this up? Willy Wonka hmm Yeah, I hope they gumdrop the lawsuit Yeah, talk about no laughing gas matter Yep No laughing gas matter Yep

He has to I dare you to I command you to speak the tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth So help you tooth mm-hmm Sir you can't handle the tooth sir you can't handle the tooth yeah it looks like we're gonna need two fillings and one man's penis in here yeah if you could just bite down on this mold here and then if you could just bite down on my ass cheeks Umm... Yeah, your teeth look good. Cause there's... umm...

Oh, sorry. Nope, that was it. Oh, your teeth look good. Your teeth look good. Mind if I fuck them? I'm just gonna put my fingers in your mouth and then later on we can get this appointment started I'm kissing your teeth go ahead go alright hit the drum roll hit it buddy yes sir I Go alright The drum roll hit it buddy. Yes, sir. Yeah, it's fucking uh

Nice dark I guess but yeah He really wants this motherfucker gone, so I hope that uh I don't know I hope things get handled I suppose And Hope this guy goes to jail. I guess he doesn't, because he just wins all the lawsuits. Not the attorney, obviously. I kind of felt it was one of those situations, I don't know, I don't want to equate

the great Tony Hawk to any of this, so I will draw a hard line. But when we were doing the episode talking about like imagine your wife cheating on you with Tony Hawk and your Tony Hawk's best friend. Like obviously I would never want my wife to cheat on me. I'm not really good with like being betrayed. I think I would like, I think I'd probably go crazy. But if I was going to get cheated on, you know, like if Ashley was like, hey, I got something to tell you and she's like, I've been fucking, I don't't know Brad Pitt. I'd be like I mean that sucks, but it's like all right. Yeah, I think at least he's hit her you know yeah

At least he beat the dog shit I Pretty good, buddy Delayed but I guess But at least it's like I understand You know what I mean, but like when I read that that was what spurred on kind of the feud. I was like man. I Like he's not even the guy looks like shit, you know And apparently he's like goes to a lot of sex parties in New York it's very much kind of like a how would I say this like

it has all of the accoutrements of like a really interesting like prestige TV show kind of thing but instead of it being like a judge or like you know a politician and there's like seedy sex parties and trafficking. It's just this like strip mall dentist that you know does the whole like I Think I got a test out the chair and then you know, I guess tries to kiss the lady and then you know Looks like there's about the toothpaste on my wiener Because if you use it to brush your teeth this wiener see if you just brush your teeth this uh...

wiener wiener brush yeah he's a piece of shit i hope he kills himself uh... hey guys welcome to the motherfucking show uh... do we have a fucking ad read? That's probably so looks like it's actually for the dentist what a My god one second I would love to do an ad read for a doctor For a family doctor a diatrist or something yeah yeah

uh let me see fact if you are a doctor yeah or a dentist or something and you're not evil let us know and you know maybe we could do a little ad read or something or you know an insulation company or something hvec something good something honest i feel like we probably don't have an ad read we do we 100 do do I got it pulled up So we're fine. We're just giving another 20 minutes. Well In a way, we don't have one in a way we don't Yeah, look, I've been through a lot lately and so have you We both had very

Very you more than me Yeah, I'm kind of a whiner Yeah, I've just been complaining a lot my co-workers just went bowling without me just because I hate them Those guys I don't like I'm not gonna lie when that happens I do kind of get mad If I see like a story on Instagram of somebody that I don't like particularly spend time with,

but a couple people that I do spend time with are there, I do kinda get a little, get a little FOMO, you know. You wish you were invited so you could say no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%, yeah, that's a, that's a. I don't really get that, I think there's just mostly like, for like super insecure guys that happens, doesn't really happen to me I get insecure dude somebody fuck all right here. I know my identity so I know myself so well

And I just walk around with this sort of confidence. It's in swagger dude when I walk in a room. It just lights up Yeah, that's what room. Yeah, for sure, man. Yeah, that's what people say when we do the shows. They're like, Jake, first of all, you seem really well put together, and you seem calm. And you seem like everything's cool, and you do a really good job of not wearing everything that ever happened to you on your sleeve. And I'll go, Thomas, he's not here right now, but once he gets here He's gonna light this place up You know he's gonna fucking people tell me they'll be like you're shaking with confidence right now. That's crazy. That's awesome

The way that you bob up and down it just indicates that you're comfortable being here I Want to I was speaking of being insecure I want to give a personal fat walk against the guy that Responded to one of my stand-up clips and said that I look like I have a torta body Referencing fat Hispanic women that are big, but they have no ass I want to let you know that that did hurt my feelings and you did apologize for it and I accept your apology And I don't think I look like that

But now I'm gonna think about that probably every hour for the next couple weeks. You said you're issuing a fat wad Yeah, a big one a big set of ropes on this guy's head for fucking making me feel bad about myself and And everybody that he fucking associates with you unnoticed to well For those who think that we're fat or anything like that I'll have you guys know that I ran a 12 minute and 45 second mile. Yeah, I'll have you know. Yesterday and it's pretty good, I mean it's not bad. No, that is probably the worst mile I've ever run in my entire life. There's worse numbers. I ran a mile and a half and I think it took me almost 20 minutes

There worse you could be a cop that's how long it that's how long it's supposed to take to run a 5k Wait now Bullshit ever on a 5k under 20 minutes. Oh, I mean yeah under 20. I think you're saying 12 minutes. That's pretty nut I mean, no, I'm saying 20 minutes for a mile and a half is Incredible Really it's I mean, I think they're gonna be calling me up to the big leagues soon Yeah, for sure. I still tell people like I said people only one person and it's my guitar player who used to run track I tell him my mile that I had two years ago when I was cutting weight to fight

like when I was going to the gym every day two hours a day and then the Sunday rest day I was like I'll tell him that like I was the other day I was like you been running again he's like yeah I've been trying to I think I'm gonna do a marathon and I was like yeah I got my mile down to like you know like six minutes. He's like that's pretty good man for like, you know Well, he doesn't run. I told him this like a month ago. I haven't been to the gym in like two months I've just been straight eating fucking I'm back on the fucking gas station pills and and Pretty heavy style and I haven't worked out at all

I think if I tried to run I think I'd have a heart attack because this stuff makes my heart feel weird Last time I had a six-minute mile I remember and I was 15 years old And downhill since then yeah, I think if I did it now, I don't even think I could finish a mile I think I'd probably yeah, I think I'll just pass out for sure but uh well, the key is you said at least a 12 minute pace and You gave yourself that long you'll get there. Yeah. Yeah, you just say hey, you're walking. Yeah

Yeah, you're just hanging out you're just having a good good good run yeah He's hanging out. He's just having a good good good run. Yeah Yeah, I need to turn it I want to try and turn into a little open mic something but I've been thinking about how when you're out of shape and people see you running they like look behind you Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah That's good Happens when you're all put together. But I went for a run just through the middle of town because I just needed to go somewhere.

So I thought I'll just run there. You know me, I'm an athlete, I'll just run there. I thought I'm going to go on a run to the gym. And then when I get there, I'll be all warmed up and I was dripping sweat and I smelled bad in a way that was not recognizable to me like I don't really smell bad in my sweat and I smelled horrible yeah my run like there were deep chemicals that have been unearthed within my body. So that was cool.

And then I did the right thing, I ran over there and I canceled my gym membership. And then I took a bus back home. That's really funny, dude. It's just, you're like, all right, today's the day, I'm getting back on it. We're gonna run to the gym and then I'm gonna lift them. I could do a good hour and a half two hour you know push pull legs and then What ends up happening is you do a 15 minute mile to the gym and then you cancel your membership and you take a bus

That's beautiful, man. That's awesome. I'm glad that you have figured out what's important in your life, which is like not I Think I'm like done. I don't know. I don't want to get fat again because I don't like being fat But I think I don't know I think right now where I'm at mentally and like physically like I don't I'm not doing it Like I every week I tell myself every week for the past two months. It's like alright. We're putting the drugs away, buddy You know you had your fun Now we're going back to how we're getting back into the gym, you know how much you love kickboxing and lifting and every Monday I go,

God that sounds literally gay. That sounds like the fucking worst, gayest, dumbest thing I could do. It's 10 a.m., I just woke up. I'm gonna pop a handful of these fucking mystery opiates and I'm gonna fucking get on my computer and I'm gonna earn my motherfucking keep You know, I'm gonna work hard and I do you know

I've been doing my job and you know, you're in a bad space mentally when you go, you know I didn't go to the gym or take care of myself today, but I did go to work Like that's kind of how my brains been going or'm like, I did go to work. You know? Like, oh, how have you been doing? I've been going to work. Like, that's bare minimum as a man. You just do your, you go to a job and you pay bill. It's not a thing that you should be proud of.

Like, you ever see those kind of twee, kitschy where it's like, hey, it's okay, you adulted today. And the, you know, it'll be like Instagram or something, the Twitter and the replies will be like, needed to hear this. I don't live under any, you know, illusion that I'm like, did I did anything good by just doing the thing I need to like pay my and my fiance's bills? You know what I mean? Like I'm not one of the, I think if you ever succumb to that then it's truly over when you're like I it was hard, but I adulted today

I did my job Like if you start to talk and think like that like it's over you should just get a rascal scooter Like skip all the foreplay of ever thinking that you'll ever fix anything and then just get a rascal scooter and then never walk again Like that's kind of you know, skip the fucking skip the first second third base just go straight for home you know I'm saying yeah I I messed up and I got a bunch of big pants a few months ago mm-hmm and so I kind of can chill I can't I can kind of we're talking about that guy if I want to pretty much forever I can't get much fatter but I can get of we were talking about that guy if I want to much forever I Can't get much fatter, but I can get a little bit fatter and still live my current life

Yeah, okay, I see what you mean I definitely see what you mean yeah, yeah, yeah You know when you just got a little bit of wiggle room like I can wear I Can wear all my pain I can wear probably 60% of my pants if I get a little bit f wiggle room like I can wear I can wear all my paint I can wear probably 60% of my pants if I get a little bit fatter and then I'll have a few shirts yeah yeah bye you know and that's all a man needs is like three pairs of jeans and like two years hard to get too fat for hoodies also yeah of course yeah yeah yeah like I have a size large hoodie. Yeah, that thing is maxed out You can see you know, it's bad when you can see your nipples through a hoodie the puff

Yeah, you with a shirt a shirt and a hoodie and you can see your nips through through that. Yeah. Yeah, you can see the puff Yeah, when I when a hoodie fits like a like Spanx when a hoodie fits like a like Spanx It like accentuates just the beer gut You know what I mean like not the love handles which is kind of nice But it kind of forms around the role between Teddy and the end like lower chest. Yeah. Yeah Which is a great role by the way, it's awesome to have a big crease in your hoodie It's awesome like a fucking croissant when you sit down and you get up and you just have a pink line Like under your tits that wasn't there like six months ago and you're like

Man, I'm fucking dude. I'm probably looking good. If I just took two months I can have abs again That's that's where I'm at with it. I can which is not true. Like it's not true Like I'll tell myself lie to myself, which I think exacerbates this kind of spiral I've been on where I'm like, oh give me a month Give me a month and I would look good like I did when I went to Ireland and it's like no You would need at least a year At least one year and that's okay It's fine. The fucked up thing is like I haven't I think the scale is the same, but I lost like all my muscle mass

I just I'm just I'm just completely flabby, which is pretty badass Pretty fucking sick. I would say it's okay. That's that's where a lot of people start. That's where Ronnie Coleman probably started You know lightweight, baby Yes, sir Yeah What the fuck's going on what the fuck we're gonna dude so they're giving all the fucking USA ID money to this foot the son of Leon Blau's is reading about it Leon black for the uninitiated is a financier and he gave

158 million dollars to Jeffrey Epstein for quote unquote tax advice. He also allegedly sexually assaulted a girl with Down syndrome in Jeffrey Epstein's mansion, she was 16 years old. Anyway, his son is going to get all that sweet sweet sweet sweet federal cash from USAID I'm not to say that his son also does stuff like that. You know the sins of the father and all that stuff You don't necessarily have to carry that but his son's also like a like a black money financier Black money yeah, you know like dark money like Black money? Yeah, you know like dark money.

Like uh, yeah like kind of like slush fun, creepy, you know we don't know what this is for but god damn that's a lot of stuff. Black money financier. Mhm. He got soul plane made. Jeffrey Stepstein? Jeffrey Steps clean, there we go. where's it at? Where's it at? Jeffrey Steps clean. Yeah now we're talking now. We're fucking talking Tyler Perry presents black money financier

Okay Ariel shot of Atlanta Cut to black and it says black and big white text like Garamond bold and then area and then a shot of an alleyway in Atlanta and Tyler Perry with a suit on and he's got a fedora with a pink feather in it and and he's clearly holding an ivory handle cold 45 and he looks to the east and and and the kind that the camera throws focus and there's a guy in the alleyway that crosses it back again money and then a shot of who

maybe It was like a serious black actor, but the days are kind of Cuba Gooding jr. Cuba Gooding jr. Swang in a Tahoe through the projects in Atlanta and he answers a call and it's Tyler Perry and he's like, hey it ain't looking good and then cut to black again, financier, black money financier by Tyler Perry and that's the whole trailer. What do you think of that? I think it's good. I don't know if Cuba Gooding Jr. is a free man currently. Oh Did he get got? He he was involved in the Rico stuff

With did he yeah No for real. Yeah, man. I'm plus on the show. I didn't know he was good. It was involved. Yeah, he was groping I know he was groping but I was groping men in the studio and stuff And he had all the he was also groping women He's a big alcoholic rape monster Now is that the courts description of mr. Gooding courts description of Mr. Gooding. I don't know if he's in I don't know if he's in I don't think he's in jail for that because I don't know if he was indicted even with that stuff. On February 26 2024 Gooding was mentioned

in a sexual assault lawsuit brought against Sean Combs by music producer Rodney Jones. The lawsuit alleged that Gooding had groped and fondled Jones non-consensually. On 2024, Jones admitted the lawsuit to include Gooding as a co-defendant. Huh? The plea, so no jail time, withdraws Mr. Meany plea and lesser violation of harassment as long as he continued counseling for six months. Yeah, he's not in jail.

The Big Alcoholic Rape Monster, the newest cerebral horror film by Ari Aster Oh, you know what Thomas roll with me on this give me a second Give me a second the big alcoholic rape this is gonna be awesome to do an ad read in two minutes Oh, you know what we should do we should do. Okay. We should do the ad read first How about the big non-alcoholic grape seltzer and it's something you would drink? Yeah and it's something that you would have, you would have a drink, you would drink it because you're trying to get fit and the best way to get fit is through lots of stuff but one of the ways to help you feel healthy, eat healthy, is gonna be

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There was something with salmon that was really good as well and I enjoyed both of those there was a chicken one, too I know this is you know,. Yeah there was some sort of chicken, cheese thing it was good but we don't need to dwell on that. We don't need to dwell on it yeah the yeah that burger was was awesome and you'll just have to see for yourself. You'll have to see for yourself and check this shit out. The meals are top tier and the convenience is incredible. Eat smart with Factor. Get started at factor meals dot com slash pendejo fifty off and use code pendejo fifty off to get fifty percent off your first box plus free shipping. That's code pendejo fifty off at factor meals dot com slash pendejo fifty off. P-E-N-D-E-J-O-Five-O off to get fifty percent off plus free shipping on your first box

That's padejo 50 off P E N D E J. Oh 50 off. Okay Back to the show now. I think we were talking about the We you said the non alcoholic grape seltzer Which I think is yeah, which was really funny. Yeah That is a really funny idea. I had I Was gonna I was gonna say what I was trying to get at is In a small sleepy town Called

Frisco, Texas called Frisco, Texas, where the beers flow free and the libations are the inspiration for your imagination. There's a man who lives in the corner of town and he has something that nobody wants, but you have something that he wants. His name? The big alcoholic rape monster. Was good. He's known around town for being a real menace and he's known around town for being a not a good guy. Y'all like to party? Shit. You've seen him at your high school. You've seen him at the bar, you've seen him at your

holiday family reunion. Yo anybody seen my cash? I think I left a big wad of cash somewhere. He's the cousin no one loves and he would, your mom never let you hang out with him alone. This winner brought to you by Ari Aster produced by Carrie, Joji Fukunaga. Yeah, I was playing a hell of Xbox last night The big alcoholic rape monster I Think having to do the ad read kind of took the gas out of that one, but that's okay. I hope you guys

Hope you guys for real enjoy Our esters movies. I don't really care for him. I think I don't know who he he did Midsummer and hereditary and He's one of those direct answers like any of that Okay, yeah, I know I mean I know how are you should fear. I don't know if that's the same guy It's not it's not at all. I Think if that never mind, I'm not I'm not gonna say what I think if there's a big alcohol nevermind Anyway So no, that's not the same guy

Ari Astor makes Scared he makes he's kind of like the guy I guess he didn't do the Babadook But right around the time Babadook took off He's kind of the dude that makes scary movies But instead of it just being kind of like like a monster or something. It's like a stand-in for grief or like I was like every every scary movie. Yeah, this guy sounds like a real fucking heck Yeah, I mean Very very well liked and very well respected. I'm not by me. Yeah, I'm a stick in the mud

I haven't seen any of his movies, but fuck Ari Aster More like Ari more like largely an asshole If he thinks he can make fucking movies better than me And you Jake I'd love to see him try The screenplay ideas we've talked about and haven't written before My god, some of the sketches that I send you and I'm just yeah more like farting asshole. Yeah more like More like sorry master because he's a fucking yeah more like knees are knees are ashy

Yeah, more like knees are knees are ashy Yeah, these are ashy Because yeah to get drunk to watch this stupid-ass movie Well, I get in my car and go faster to get up the hell away from movie theater after trying to watch midsummer more like mid bummer Dream scenario. Yeah, that's a scenario where I'd never have to watch any of his bullshit movies Hereditary more like I'd rather read a very nice book Than watch a bullshit piece of shit movie that he made Midsummer more like kid

Kid bummer that's what Ari Aster is because the kid goes to see his movies and they're a real bummer but was afraid more like boner is gay and I have one when I'm not watching one of his movies but when I am it goes away when I am I'm soft because there's no fucking titties I away. But when I am I'm soft. Because there's no fucking titties. I can only watch a movie if I'm hard the whole time. Yeah, it's going to make me hard. I got to get hard.

When I watch Master and Commander my penis starts to bleed. Because it's such a long movie. What's the uh, we need to talk about Or no, it's there's something about the Johnsons and the whole movie is about a kid who jacks off to pictures of his dad There's something about my Johnson is as big How about that?

Yeah, the strange thing about the Johnsons The strange thing about my, the strange thing about the Johnsons. The strange thing about my, this strange, this strange string coming out of my Johnson, this was called. The strange string coming out of my Johnson. Here, let me read this plot to y'all motherfuckers. In 1995, acclaimed poet Sidney Johnson accidentally interrupts his 12-year-old son, Isaiah, masturbating. He apologizes and reassures Isaiah that the act is natural, unaware that Isaiah was masturbating to a photograph of Sidney as a young man.

In 2009, during Isaiah's wedding to Marianne, Sidney's wife and Isaiah's mother Joan discovers Isaiah secretly performing oral sex on a distressed Sidney, the father. Despite being disturbed, Joan tries to regain her composure. That night, while Joan is in the shower, Sidney leaves a typed memoir underneath Joan's pillow called Cocoon Man, Confessions by Sidney Johnson. The memoir chronicles Sidney's experience of being incestually abused by his son. Isaiah discovers it and tells him not to print any more copies. After a New Year's Eve party in 2010 Isaiah's erratic behavior begins to show more as he lashes out at Mary Ann, his mother. Anyway this is one of those books that like you'll be at a

party you know what these parties were like yeah you got invited and he's like a friend of a friend and you go and you're like drinking in the kitchen or something and there's a guy talking about movies and he's talking about movies that like everybody fucking knows about him Then he's like dude you've ever seen there's something I'm just something strange about the Johnsons And you're like here we fucking go and he's like dude in this movie the fucking son rapes that dad Spooky and you're like yeah, that sounds pretty fucking spooky man You're like dude It's the same guy did hereditary and you're like oh that fucking movie that everybody likes it fucking with the mom and she does a goofy

ass face and the daughter's clicking and her head gets cut off and he's like yeah it's a family movie about the tensions of grief and the cult represents and I'm like I don't give a fuck man why is there one of you at every fucking every place now every fucking place I go as it has a guy that's like have you seen midsummer? It's about fucking men And you're like awesome, dude. Shut the fuck up. Can you just put Friday the 13th on please? I don't care if It was any intellectualism. This is fucking shut up, dude. I'm tired of this shit I don't need to fucking just throw on give me a monster. Give me a slimy green monster that chases around a fucking

Cheerleader and then fucking the monster just fucking eats people. That's all I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about this Shit, I don't care anymore. Oh, the monsters actually a postpartum depression Yeah, I'm gonna post a picture of my balls and then depart unto you Esoteric knowledge and then I'm gonna fucking make you depressed because I'm gonna kill you. Oh fuck you. Holy shit. Thanks man.

Sorry I got pissed. Nah dude you killed him. You killed him with that one. Thanks man. I saw it whenever Toy Story 4 came out and all the other kids were talking about it like oh my gosh you have to see it and it's like dude like you've watched any of the early ones you could totally predict what happens Yeah, you don't yeah, it's not you like anything about Andy you know how he'd react We're fully aware of his

Character and the level to which he will rise Yeah, yeah, you know under under stress Yeah, there should be a Toy Story 5 where all the toys finally get to fuck Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm down with that for sure like the yeah where Andy's old and the Dinosaur fucks him. Yeah He goes, oh, oh my there's a there's a dinosaurs cock in my boot Oh mother's of there's a dinosaurs cock in my boot Yeah, but yeah, and the pig is dead the pig guy is dead isn't he

The guy voice the pig is dead Dinosaur and the dog is rusty Little bo peep is she's fine. She got Botox and Her and buzzer and the way Andy is not that Woody is the name of the and he's the kid and he's a kid Yeah, what he is a cowboy. Yeah, he's getting fucked by the buzz buzz Has a girl's feet now And a huge Huge Butthole it has a Polly pockets legs and a Barbie's feet and a GI Joe's

Torso don't you say thorax? Yeah, yeah, we've got okay, so but here's my question for you Thomas is the dinosaur still fucking Andy Or do you mean to say he's fucking woody the dinosaurs fucking woody's not fucking the Andy what about both? she she the Fucking the Andy what about both she she built a Little Bo Peep has all the sheep and she had a thing for buzz if I do remember correctly So is buzz fucking little Bo Peep I would imagine that if he's got Barbie's feet That there's probably not a lot of fucking going on like he's probably not doing the fucking out of maybe he's getting fucking his space ass

Or something like that. Yeah, I'll be right back. Sorry. Okay. He's sick. Hey guys. Um, we're going to do a little bit of a Jake's, uh, fun corner. So, uh, my, uh, I have a family member, um, and he is, um, disabled, uh, and uh, okay. Thomas is back. Nevermind mind we'll talk about that later maybe Hello, sorry, and so yeah back to schedule programming so okay, so the dinosaurs fucking woody and woody's older and

Buzz has Polly pockets legs and Barbie's feet GI Joe's torso. And uh... And Little Bo Peep is fucking Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Potato Head got a little red dick attachment. It's like a bright red dude. And it's small and it's skinny. But it's got huge huge huge silicone jiggly balls

and he fucks little Bo Peep and Mr. Potato Head also has a big teeth and he has huge veneers and one of the inside jokes haha Haha. This is gonna be funny because Toy Story is always topical he's gonna say I got my veneers and then he's gonna pop in a big old set of pearly white chompers in the middle little bo peeps gonna go And he's like I got something else for you bitch and then he attaches the bright red dick with the silicone nuts Yeah, that does seem a little bit out of character. I don't buy it. I think you know I guess they have changed over the years So I would like to see New cars movie that would actually feature electric cars

Not kidding so they are thinking about doing a cars like a like a car spinoff and and the cars are all EVs and one of the storylines is like thinking about doing a cars like a like a car spinoff and and The cars are all EVs and one of the storylines is like the EV cars are like LGBT And then they're having like a kind of a cultural Tension with the old like VA cars, and it's made a bunch of people mad. I love that. That's exactly what I was thinking actually Yeah, yeah is what if we finally helped? Reverse some of the narrative on the EVs and we branded them as gay Mm-hmm Yeah, yeah to help people like them more. Yeah. Well, I I think

Now that we said Tesla's actually are for gay guys. Mm-hmm I think now that culture is swinging right where it'll probably you know die on the cutting room floor But maybe they'll make the EVs Chinese or something and make them evil yeah Communists or something and then the American v8s like kill them brutally and there's like car parts everywhere and oil and stuff Yeah, but more maybe more accurate Have you seen those lucid oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah I have seen them shallow may has one he's so much fucking cooler than me

just Timothy you know the other famous shallow man do uh do you ever say I think he lives like over where you Lou right or he lives like the Upper West Side now but I thought he was a Brooklyn guy. I mean The parts of Brooklyn that I'm typically in Are not typically I think the parts that he would be hanging out in for fun Yeah, yeah good point like Yeah, where's that bar you guys go to you and the pod about list boys was guys in Ridgewood? Okay, yeah Go to you in the pod about list boys was guys in Ridgewood, okay?

Cozy Corner Cozy Corner yeah, yeah that place. I love that place man. Yeah Yeah, I actually haven't been back since I went with you I think But I Don't I would I would go to bars a lot more if I just had more money Do you know when I first moved here here, I fucked my savings up bad. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I spent too much money on bars. I remember the first month when you were looking for work, we would be talking or whatever and you'd be like,

yeah, I've just been hanging out at Cozy Corner every night for six hours or something. You were just like, it was there or some other place. I would just go and I'd just have hanging out at cozy corner like every night Six or sours or something you just like it was there like some other place I was just go and I just have 10 to 15 drinks and just hang out and New York's cheap dude a drink. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I Remember well, they do have bars are cheap and that's what will get you because you'll drink like it's a cheap bar Even if it's not or like some bars bars it'll be like oh beers are three dollars so then you're like oh Moscow mules are probably cheap too and they're not like

no yeah they're like 15 that's the problem a lot of them a lot of them are like 15 yeah for it I mean if it's a dive bar I feel like around 12 bucks for a cocktail is normal but I think depends on where you go I'm sure there's places that are cheaper and just drug you and stuff but I was surprised when we were in Chicago that like it was pretty common to find a high life for like two dollars or three dollars I was like taking it back because I'm not kidding man there are no places like that left in Austin there's not even one and it's Austin's not even like remotely this the size or

whatever like the you know cultural importance of like New York or I mean I guess it is culturally incredibly important now because it's like the hub for you know what I think is some sort of like Mossad Israeli takeover full takeover the country, but You can't find that anywhere like legitimately anywhere And if you're listening to this and you're an Austin head and you know the bar and you're thinking yourself Jake Just doesn't go please reach out to me and tell me the name of the bar because I'll go there I won't go there with you. I mean, I guess maybe if you're if you're nice to me, we'll go together But just say hey, this is a place where you can still get cheap

High life or course banquet or something But yeah, that fucking sucks I Think I could hang out with Shalom and he seems like a like a down-to-earth celebrity You know he seems like a guy that I could really just like shoot the shit with now. He's cool, but You know I? Think we're just in different parts of life right now Yeah, I think he's got a he's got a girl a little bit more before you know yeah for he can hang with guys like me Thomas you hear something that is crazy, and I never saw coming what one of the agencies that uh

That I was given the info for my friend to encourage me to get an agent they they didn't like the headshots Go really yeah, they didn't what did they not like about them? Well? I think they just they didn't give me details They were just like one guy asked me if these were professional headshots for like like LinkedIn To which I said no I had them done for the sole purpose of getting an agency and then he didn't respond to that email so so I think I'm just might but as I was saying the other episode that you can most agencies now just let you take a picture on your phone so I probably won't pay another $400 to see if I can make a different face with like a different guy.

Yeah. You could always just have a friend with a camera, take a picture of you also. I have a nice camera. Like our camera tape it takes in like really, I can just do it myself. I know how to do it. Uh, so it's fine. Um, but, uh, but yeah, I was very surprised. Find a weird plush background. Dude, I don't know. How will I find a guy to for some reason make my shoulders look like that?

I don't know. You know how to make my head through lighting and editing seem tense at eyes Send ten sizes this can't speak having a stroke ten sizes too big for the rest of my body ten sizes too big for us my body did you ever get the rough files from those like did you get other pictures he took he's so he's a good guy hundred and sixty of them and then i guess i didn't tell you this this part of it so he set me down

and uh... he there were like hundreds of photos right and he was like this is how I do my system so we're gonna go through all of these and then you'll give the you give the ones you like one star and then we'll go through the one stars and you get the ones you like you give them two stars and so on and so on until you get to five stars and then those are the three photos that you get the package or the two photos and then I paid 75 extra dollars for an extra one and and so I sat we went through like a hundred something photos over the course of like an hour or something together and he was just like clicking on them and saving them and stuff and those were the three that uh that we decided were the best of the 150 or so nice the the rejects in

Hindsight 2020 I think maybe the rejects some of them were better But some of them were very very very very bizarre Just not really hear that yeah, just not just very surreal faces lighting was very very very very weird and the background the poses you know like very much like a school photo you know when the yearbook people come in your senior year you don't care about that anymore but maybe your mom wants them and so she sends you with like 20 bucks and you're like fully 18 years old and you have to lean against a tree you be like, yeah, a lot of them were like that,

but, you know, but like $400 and like a four hour waste of my Saturday. So, you know, whatever, but that saga's over. You know, I've learned my lesson and I have to do a script read for another agency audition thing. That's cool. Yeah.

If this one doesn't work out, I'd probably kill myself. Well, the good thing is usually, usually actors don't have, usually it doesn't take a while for actors to find stuff. Yeah, yeah. I have a buddy who's doing it and he's been getting good work and I was- Timothy Chalamet, he's only been an actor

for like 10, 15 years, you know? Right, right, right. My buddy, buddy's been getting some work and I was like damn man like I'm not finding anything and he was like did you just send an email to agents like a week literally one week ago and I was like yeah yeah but like you know he was like it took me like a year to even get like commercials and I was like yeah but like you know like if something doesn't happen for me soon that like kind of makes me have some sort of like normalcy or like something to look forward to, then I probably will just like go to the hospital again or something.

And he was like, oh yeah, I feel you. So so there's that. But I've been wearing my Bentley Kalon Thomas and I'm telling you when you combine a little bit of the 350z with the Bentley you smell so awesome. I bet dude. It's such a good stink. It seems like you have a gravity to yourself. Yeah really dude I put a little bit of the 350z on my neck and I put a little bit of

the Bentley under my balls and then I like every time I go into the open mics I'm immediately put to the top of the list and they say you can do 100 minutes and we want to know what that stink is and I tell them it's a fucking mystery it's a mystery mysteries abound now I was just blame it I've been wearing this Bentley cologne and I went down to the mall. And one of the people, one of them Iranian fellas, what works the cell phone repair kiosks, I walked past him and the Bentley Cologne wafted and under his beautifully manicured mustache,

and he looked at me and said, "'My friend, I think I would like to get a suck on that ball sack and I did let him do it Do that really happen No, I'm lying to you. I'm a schizophrenic. I Don't like being lied to who are you? I'm a different guy I'm a strange new neighbor. My name is Kervel. Kervel? What brings you to Arlen, Kervel? new substitute teachers at the school and some substitute teaching geology while the other one of the other teachers passed away.

I do think- And one of the other substitute teachers passed away so I'll be the new substitute teacher for geology. So you're the substitute substitute? I suppose so I think Bobby was telling me about a new teacher that's been teaching them about all the different types of rocks pebbles and substrate that exists on our beautiful planet earth well that must have been that other teacher I don't know much about that, but I do know it's much much like geography except rather than where it is it's what it is or

something along those lines Well, I appreciate you coming over I'd love to have you for dinner, but Peggy didn't make enough food so maybe we can appreciate that all too much, and I don't have much to eat at my house. There's not much for me to do from here unless I want to eat maybe a Sonic Burger or other fast food or perhaps I'll talk to one of the other neighbors and see if I can find something to eat at one of their homes. I can't promise that Dale will be too much of a help and Con doesn't take Conly to strangers.

You may find a bit of food at Bill's place, but he may be too depressed to answer the door. Perhaps you could contact Boomhauer. He's a very, very accommodating and cordial friend of mine. I need a lot of help from him. I owe him a lot of money and I need more of it. I need to borrow more money from him, get more help from him so I can get back up on my feet. Curvil, you've been borrowing money from Boomhauer?

This neighborhood owes me a lot. This town, these people owe me a lot for what I do, what I'm gonna do for these substitute kids someday once they call me in. Kervel you just moved into town and you owe everybody. I had to move I moved from I moved from Darlin Darlin and uh from Darlin Texas tolen texas yeah i was living in darlin had to move out because a lot of people were double-crossing me not giving me money or helping me out with anything and i owed a lot of money to my apartment because the

apartment manager wasn't helping me out or showing me how to use any of my money or helping me give any of my money or getting any of my money. We're getting any of my money from him Well, damn I'm sorry to hear that so I came here and I need help help bad I need somebody to help me out It seems It seems like you've fallen on hard times there, Kervel. I've been living hard times pretty much about all my life. Been born, didn't have any money, didn't have nothing to do, didn't know where to go.

Nobody showed me anything. Whole family, I owe them a whole lot of money because they never helped me with anything. Never showed me how to be a man. Never taught me anything. How to pay my bills, how to be a man never taught me anything how to how to pay my bills how to keep a job and I already owe the principal a lot of cash a couple thousand dollars spent all on animal balloons trying to sell those trying to make some money seems like you got no balloons anymore. You got a really tragic backstory. Well, you know, Curvil, I think after...

I grew up very wealthy. My family was doing very well, but they wouldn't help me out with what I needed from them and they wouldn't help me or anything and left me cold dead in streets, dead forever. Passed away at a young age. Curvil, I believe that maybe I could find it within my heart to dig into the whole Hank Hill piggy bank and maybe give you, how much do you think would get you

through the end of the month, Kervel? Oh, I'd say probably about 500 bucks a week or something like that might be a start to help me get back on my feet, as long as other neighbors were able to help me as well because I'm living living in one of those high rises downtown and I don't have all one I've been getting groceries delivered every day and I've picked through and I throw away a lot of them because I don't know what's good or not if any of it's good to eat or taste good and I have a bunch of tea I've been buying all the tickets to the Cowboys them because I don't know what's good or not if any of it's good to eat or tastes good.

And I have a bunch of tickets, I've been buying all the tickets to the Cowboys games to try and resell them for more money but nobody's buying my tickets so I'm losing thousands of dollars every week because I keep buying the tickets to away games and nobody here in town wants to buy tickets to the away games you've been selling away games at the Marlin high school I've been trying to but nobody will know you you falling on hard times there Kurt I'm buying for two bucks I try and sell them for 11 scalper Kerrville I'm not trying to give you no financial advice or nothing, but I do believe that maybe

you should pursue other entrepreneurial endeavors. I, for example, sell propane and propane accessories, and it has provided my family a comfortable middle class life. So maybe I could get you a job, maybe part time working for my boss. I don't know, maybe if he could help me out or do something to help me. Maybe it could be good to help me and just get me back on my feet and help me out long term because I'll need some long term assistance monetarily and also with my health, my health is failing and I just need to get back on my feet and

help escape my current situation and maybe get out of my current abusive job situation and get out of this neighborhood, get out of this town. Well I could absolutely stay forever never come back ever get back on my feet somewhere else well I like the cut of your jib and I appreciate your honesty and friendly demeanor do you work hard I try to but it does hurt it is hard for me to do because usually when I work nobody helps me when I work. Well the good thing about the people of Arlen is that we have an infinite wealth, an infinite wellspring of assistance we're willing to give to people so long as they work hard and

honor the Lord. I'll try, I'll try, I'll try Hank. I'll do my'll try I'll try Hank I'll do my best and I'll do everything I can and try and as long as nobody long as nothing happens. All right well can you start Monday? I'll try I'll see what I can do trying as long as I'll need some help getting this work. As long as people can help you yeah we got it. As long as I don't have to do it by myself and I can get some trust and reassurance because 100% I got bill collectors calling my parents phone saying they're going to cut limbs off

of them and heard oh my god. All because of just because of some bad chicks. I keep writing every day and who you're writing checks to curvil. The evil the evil police. You're writing personal hot checks to the evil police for a thousand guns and a thousand weapons and a thousand bullets and it's a bad idea cuz they keep giving it to me and it turns out that I owe him a thousand dollars well I'm sorry to hear that. Oh god they're here. Oh my god. Wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee-oh- Officer, this is my good friend Kervel, and I'm sure that the checks that he wrote you

were not hot, and that he had the funds, but very bad things keep spiritually corrosive events happening. Well, that very well may be true. Oh my God. But unfortunately, you will have to spend the night in the evil jail cell. You're coming with us. And we gonna mess your booty up in there too. You're not gonna mess up my good friend Kervel's booty.

I don't like it when people mess up my booty and mess with it and put stuff in there because it really hurts and it really does not help me get back on my feet when that happens to me. You're not gonna put nothing in my friend Kervel's booty. I think we are going to put evil weapons in there. I really hate evil weapons in my booty and butt and mouth and every time it happens it makes me very angry and it takes it much longer for me to get back on my feet goodbye hank i suppose i'll go with them and maybe they can help me out and help me back on my feet i'll bail you out kervel i will it's okay hank i think i'm gonna try and get some money from them and see if i can borrow some cash just to get back on your feet right Kervel? just a quick cash to get back on my feet and get help and get in a better situation I think this could be good for me and maybe I could get a new job get away from my horrible job at the school Well, we'll be starting soon

You got a wonderful position as a part-time salesman It's trickling propane whenever you're willing to work hard and we'll help you and we'll keep all the evil weapons in you. I appreciate it. I would just need a lot of help to be getting there to be doing that job and to be in a situation where I could even start there. But thank you for your offer and if there's anything I could do to get help from you I would appreciate it in the future and anything long term as long term as possible to get just some help and get back on my feet.

Absolutely, Kerbal. I'll do anything. Thank you for the hank there. They're starting to put my mouth into the car now, so I guess my mouth can't talk. Bye, Kerrville. Bye.