Pendejo Time - kiss from a cowboy

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

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Welcome, welcome Mr. Pee Pee Man. How you doing, Pee Pee? That's not my name, and nobody has ever called me that before. Well, I mean, today's the first day, and that's the first day... Everyone who has called me that has been sent to jail to death. Well, there's a first day for everything, and then today's a new day, so you're Mr. Pee Pee Man. And there's a last day for everything, and that's usually Friday. Right, but today's Wednesday, and you're Mr. Pee Pee Man. So, Mr. Pee Pee Man, how is your... I am Thomas. No, you're mr peepee man so mr peepee man how are you thomas no you're

peepee man and how's your peepee doing today i haven't looked at it okay it's normal normal it's just sort of like a piece of mango right now i feel you yeah i've got mango slice just kind of sitting there i could not have one for all i care at the moment did you do anything cool today um no i i played flight simulator i flew from my house to a bunch of different airports uh which was cool uh Took the dog for a walk. Ate some kratom. Pretty chill day. Worked my second job, you know. Fucking hung out.

Man, it wasn't a bad day to be a fucking true-ass thug in the hood. You know, a real pipe-hitting motherfucker. Yeah, it's been a fucking relaxing ass day how about you man sounds like a dream you know that's sounds like you had a really good day it did i had probably the best day of my life today can you what happened uh i um i had this morning off because I had a CAT scan scheduled. Yeah. What happened with that? Apparently, insurance didn't approve it yet.

So they said to wait until Friday, and then maybe they'll have it done by then. Then I can schedule it for next week, hopefully. And then a couple weeks after that, they'll have it done by then. Then I can schedule it for next week, hopefully. And then a couple weeks after that, they'll have the results back. And then maybe a week after that, I can get to talk to somebody about the results. And then if they don't see anything on the results, probably if I had to guess another week or two after that, I'll get to have some other stuff done and probably a week or so after that i'll get to talk to somebody about those results i i mean this is for me it's great i love going to the doctor

i walk in there and i kiss him on the forehead and I say, take all of the money that I have. Sick boy has money. Sick boy ready. Right. You know, whenever you've got a part of your body that just appears to be. Rotting. About to explode. Yeah.

Usually you want to, you want to keep working out in the sun and you want to get that checked up on in about, I guess, six months. Yeah. Inside three to six months' time. You want to make sure that you're good to go for when we go to New York in 2023. Right. Right, yeah. You want to make sure that you're tip-top for next week. I've got to get my dialysis machine on the plane somehow.

It's always, like, funny to me when people are like you know universal health care you gotta wait for it you wait you know they make you wait it's like a waiting time and i'm like you wait here like like when i i was like uh when i was having like gastrointestinal issues and I thought I was like shitting blood and I was like, well, that's, that's it for me. You know? Uh, it took me like two normal doctors and two specialists and like a bunch of scans over the course of, I guess, yeah, about three months. And then it'd be like, no, you just have IBS and hemorrhoids. So no cancer. But like for that entire period of time, I was like, all right, well I have i have 30 so i guess i can give that to my brother and i have like three guitars but i guess my dad's probably gonna pawn those so no dice there like i was trying to get my affairs in order and shit you know it's just fucking annoying like you wait here too well you know it sounds like somebody's

doing a lot of complaining and and that would be you. We live in the greatest country on earth. Yeah, it's really sweaty down here. Would you rather live in Cuba where they have to drive old cars that all look really nice? And drink rum all day? Yeah. Play baseball? Do you think it's fun smoking cigars and going out on a boat?

Having sex with your Latina wife on a boat. You think it's cool to live in a tropical paradise, you know, where you have, like, health insurance and stuff, and you can't even be a millionaire? Do you think that's cool? You think it's cool? I really want to go to Cuba so fucking bad, dude. I want to, like— I think you should go there. And you should see him.

That little green man. His name is Remus. Bermuda. Bahama. Key Largo. Montego. Baby, it's fast and then we'll take it slow That's where Thomas wants to go

You get on the boat and you're going to the coast That's where they ride sailboats the most And you get on your surfboard, that's what you like And you drink a big sweet tea with some ice and it's so, so, so, so fun to have fun with your friends out in the sun. This is a Cuban paradise. When you're living crazy, you just roll the dice. Hanging out with Jake, he has lice. Yeah.

Eating black beans with a whole lot of rice. Yeah, man. It's the new national song of Cuba. The new song of Cuba, the Cuban people. If you're a Cuban out there, check this out. Check this show out. I guess if you're listening to it, you already listened to it. I like that that hardened of a country eventually came up with people who fathered pitbull yeah yeah it's uh back in like the 70s

and 80s uh people would hijack planes to go back to cuba like guys in miami would be like that's fucking shit sucks dick and then they would like fly planes back or whatever. Because they were trying to bring their families food. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You know, they have drugs over there. Imagine if we had drugs over here. Do you remember, was it last year? When they were trying to do the free Cuba thing.

Like, a bunch of rich, like, millionaire boat guys. They do that every few years, but I know what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah well it was like on the news or what yeah this time i it's so funny to me that people like i guess now they're doing it with ukraine only guys are going over there to get their dicks blown off by like spetsnaz yeah it's not even fun to be there no but it's like cub. I guess I'll sacrifice my freedom to go hang out on basically resort. Yeah. Like, I guess if you're going to be an expat or you're going to, like, hate someplace, like, you hate it so much that you go there to talk shit, Cuba's a pretty sick place.

But, like, Ukraine is just, like, cold dirt. Like, gray old must. Seems like it's fucked up over there. I probably wouldn't work very hard to defend. Anything. I don't think. Yeah, another thing about it. Like even like Fort Worth.

Like I live here. I don't really. I would just go somewhere else if I needed to. I've never really understood, like, local pride. I'd love to be a refugee of some kind. Like an expat? No, just, like, on a boat. On a little raft, man.

Out of, like... Like wood and shit. Fridges and bathtubs. Yeah, like Canada Goose jackets. Yeah. Yeah, just, like, floating in a big, like, meat freezer in the middle of the Atlantic. That's the life for me. I don't...

I remember as a kid not understanding... When I went to New York when I was a teenager, I think I was like 19. Yeah. I saw like an Irish pride parade. Because they have all sorts of pride parades in New York, like ethnic or racial pride or whatever. Not white.

That would be bad. But I saw the Irish pride parade, and I had a thought to myself. I was like, this is like this close to being a white. I've seen a – when I was was there before they had like a dominican parade thing and i was like this is sick these people these guys dress and dance gay and they will kill you like that is the sickest like dominican guys have the sickest loadout just like skin tight soccer jerseys short shorts doing like bachata and then you know they'll like shoot you or whatever it's a fucking dope guy to be but irish pride parade seems like it's all

hobbling along yeah it's the most inbred parade you've ever seen yeah sunburnt by fucking yeah it's like i don't feel like i'm not trying to i don't want to get political in our political show you know but i feel like uh you don't get to have a parade. I don't know. The Irish got pretty fucking nervous. Yeah, the Irish, I mean, they were discriminated against, but I don't know how much of that is going on nowadays. Right, right. I mean, yeah. I mean, the trouble is... Maybe in some parts of the world, but probably not Boston.

Yeah, if you're going to have it, it's gotta be like northern ireland like you can't do it like in the bronx okay it's like you can't do it like it would it seems weird to do like that's like being like oh you can only have a gay pride parade in like i don't know san francisco or la or whatever it's like i mean you can do it wherever yeah i. I'm fine with it. I think there should be more parades. Okay. And there should be more just events that close down the streets in general. Yeah, I agree with that. I love it when that happens. I remember, speaking of parades, when they were like, it was like Pride Month last year, a couple years ago, I don't remember.

People were like, don't bring your kids to pride if you don't you know like pride or whatever uh hey buddy i'll bring somebody else's kids yeah i'll i'll show you my kids or whatever uh and i think the whole argument was centered around like uh you know kids you know like oh my kid like i want to take my kid to pride but there's guys dressed up in like leather dog outfits or whatever like do we have to do that and uh it always struck me as like an interesting aspect of parading at least in that regard like you have your float you have your dancers and then you have a bunch of guys on dog leashes and they got muzzles on and shit and they're wearing like jock straps it's like all's like, all right, well, you know. A lot of things are just none of my business.

Yeah, exactly. A lot of things are just, like, I don't think I'm allowed to have an opinion on it one way or the other. Because, A, I don't give a fuck. It's weird to dress up like a dog. It is. It's weird to put a leash on yourself. And I can say that about anybody who does it. Right. It has nothing to do with being gay.

That's not a normal thing within society. No. You knew that when you bought the dog costume. I'm going to keep it a buck with you, dude. I'm pro kink shame. There's some shit. Just don't do it. Don't even let me.

It's not even don't let me. I just don't want to. You don't get to wear a leather dog hat. Sorry. Fucking the inflatable pool stuff you know hey yeah degenerate don't like it don't don't i don't here's the thing if you're coming up with new ways to have sex it's like what is there something wrong like yeah is there something i'm missing yeah because i mean i'm an old-fashioned guy. Just regular sex.

Regular? I ain't trying to double my money. Fuck that shit. I know. Pussy rocks. They figured it out like the first time. Yeah, the first guy. Yeah, the first guy.

The first guy who did it did it right, I'm pretty sure. It ain't broke. Don't fix it. I do not. Yeah. I think it's like. It's a very 12-year-old thing to do. When I grow up, I'm going to invent a whole new kind of sex.

Yeah. I'm going to hang from a ceiling fan. Yeah, I'm going to... I'm going to fuck a girl on it. I'm going to dangle myself from the ceiling. I'm going to tie myself up, and the girl's going to suck my dick regular style. Mm-hmm. Regular?

It's like, yeah, you're just fucking chained up getting your dick sucked. Yeah. You could cut to the chase and just get your dick sucked and it would you have to like hire people to kidnap you and fuck you or whatever i don't know yeah no i don't i'm an old-fashioned fella i'm an old-fashioned guy in that regard too you know i don't if people are like, oh, you know, you can be into whatever you're into. Yeah, fine. I'm not saying necessarily that you can't. It's just like there are certain things that you shouldn't. There are a lot of things that I like that I'm not really proud of.

Emo. Not really proud of it. You know, it's just comedy. This is a podcasting, you know, comedy. No, I'm saying podcasting comedy whatever you know like there are things that i like that i'm not proud of you know if you like dressing up like a dog and getting fucked that's cool that you like that but you don't get to parade around and do it and i that's the bottom line right there if you to fuck, if you like to spend $7,000 on an anatomically

accurate, like, silicone woman with, like, tits the size of watermelons and, like, baby feet, swag. That's your money, man. You're a free man. You can do whatever you want. No, it's not your money. You can't

allow that. So you're saying... I don't think the government should get involved I think they should just give me like an old revolver You know I'll handle it What was that The furry shit I don't care I don't like it

Like I know that's a worn out thing to be mad about I'm not mad about it anymore It's just fucking stupid I don't you know It's just fucking stupid. They're just fucking and sucking in those goddamn bear suits or whatever. Yeah. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like it either.

Growing up, you could just go outside and watch animals have sex if you wanted to. They were everywhere. Also, you're not like... Cows fuck so much. Cows fuck a lot. Horses fuck. Donkeys fuck so much. You could go out and just watch a nice fuck so much cows fuck a lot horses they're donkeys fuck so much you can go out and just watch a donkey fuck like most places but you get people cramped up in the city and they think it's something new yeah to watch i mean i guess it is new to watch an eagle fuck like

you know like a sable or like a weasel or something. I know. That's what I'm saying. But I'm saying it's a novelty. Birds don't have penises outside their bodies. They're stuck inside and they shoot the sperm out. Right. Like cake icing. But I'm saying the novel observation, the aesthetic of eagle fucking weasel or gorilla fucking orca whale. Like, I would say that maybe that could be, you know, like you can't see that in the wild so maybe you recreated it in the comfort of your own home but problem is that i'm in your home now right and

you're not comfortable you know why glock 19 you know i don't american male has become afraid of sexy babes yeah they've become that i'm not afraid to say that amen brother the american man has become with a regular babe what's wrong with a regular set of of solid ass tits and a nice butt and just just just fucking old school style and going to bed at 9 p.m you know it used to be women in swimsuits and now they're swimming in men's flutes yeah and men's flute is sticking out of a suit that looks like a fucking Tony the Tiger with an army hat on. Why? There's another aspect of the furry thing I don't understand. If it was just animals, like if the suits looked like animals, fine, that's still fucking weird.

But they look like they're cartoony, like they got scepters and shit. And they got fucking wizard's hats. If literally anybody looked good under the fucking fursuit Maybe I would take it seriously You were hiding your fat shitty body under there And I could tell Everyone under there looks like a fucking You put a marshmallow in the microwave

And it's like two seconds too long Yeah And like the edges at the top start to like fall off Yeah like the outside gets crispy And leather, but the inside's still gooey. I could throw a harpoon from one end of one of those convention centers straight to the other end because it would just pass through all that flesh like nothing. It wouldn't lose velocity. No.

It was like there's no friction. There's nothing dense there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know. They're like harkening. Like it's just all like. It's gelatin there. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know. They're like harkening. It's just all like. It's gelatinous.

Yeah, it's all held up by strings. There's no sinew. It's just kind of, yeah. That's the, I mean. You could have harvested those people in the 1800s and kept those lamps burning for centuries. kept those care those those lamps burning for centuries i i do i'm i do think it's like you know people have i wonder what like the psycho like the origin of that specific kink because people that are into like bdsm you know maybe they've got something some sort of like reason for that

maybe it's a power thing or what type of guy has got a molest you to where you start dressing up like that exactly you're saying by a dog you get you get fucked by the mailman or something like sexual assault has been an issue since the beginning of time since time immemorial people weren't pretending to like hey I'm going to pay you 10 grand to draw a fox with a huge dick that was not an outcome of that ever

it has led to terrible things as far as I know it hadn't led to like hey can you make Zootopia but like super horny yeah can you make a trans rabbit apparently Zootopia was huge for those people right i wanted to fuck all those animals there was uh some organization i think it was that one that

that noah guy worked for but some organization was like do you know that twitter account uh this person does not exist they make like ai facial images or whatever yeah somebody i think it i do think it was this organization was like here's how you solve the problem of cp is you make ai extremely realistic child pornography and then there's no child involved so then you give it to these guys and i I was like, no, frontier justice, man. I feel like we're giving, you can't like give these guys any like leeway. Whose fucking idea was that? The fact that that idea ever got past one person.

Like imagine a friend just says that to you. I would just start beating him to death yeah i think it was like deep faking child porn which is like okay like you know ai has come so far and there are so many sinister applications to it yeah and it's been on everyone's mind so far like for a long time yeah and maybe somebody else had thought of that before i'm sure it had been thought of right but i'll be damned if i ever like that it even crossed my mind i was worried about like like oh i can't shoplift anymore right yeah or i can't i can't steal hot dogs from walmart and shit yeah i can't fucking you know what but and shit. Yeah, I can't fucking. You know what?

But here's the thing, man. You know, we live in a modern era, you know, and I guess you need modern solutions to modern problems. So, you know, furries, you know, if you're out there and you like dress up like fucking Toucan Sam and get your ass fucked out. Cool. But I don't approve of it and i'm letting you know right now that god hates you if you commissioned furry porn of any kind you should there should be a gladiator type thing where you have to fight a thousand of that animal okay you know yeah i like the rabbits i think most of the rabbit people would lose to a thousand angry rabbits right all right so it's a lot jack rabbits you know like they'll gnaw on you that would also keep it to a minimum because then you couldn't be like wolves you're fucked

you're fucked a hundred weasels that's that's dog shit wolves are almost best case scenario because it only can take a couple of them to kill you. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to... Really one, but, you know, like, they'll gang up on you. I'm trying to think, like, what animal could you, like, realistically beat? Like, a hundred... Butterfly would be exceptionally easy.

Yeah, it'd be exceptionally easy. A hundred... I can't even say a hundred mice, dude, because rats fucking, they'll fuck you up. A hundred, though, I don't know. It hundred mice dude Cause rats fucking They'll fuck you up A hundred though I don't know It would depend on the The scenario Yeah yeah

Locked in a closet Fucked A hundred rats You're fucked Open field Maybe we got some Some movements One hundred

Non-venomous snakes I feel like wouldn't be too much of an issue Unless it's like reticulated pythons Or some shit What else we got a hundred just like pigeons like not like not aggressive birds we couldn't do crows they're smart and they're mean a hundred gorillas yeah that was that's the boss battle paste no you get turned to nothing you there'll be nothing left of you i dude i i i remember a hundred foxes would be really a weirdly elegant way to die a hundred foxes yeah it would be very i think i would be captivated by the beauty i think foxes are very pretty cool looking creatures

i mean you could kick like five of them into the sun yeah they're not that big but they are sneaky they'd snip at your heels and get you down. For sure. Yeah, no. Yeah, they're cunning creatures. They're so cunning. Yeah. A cunning fox.

Mm-hmm. A mortal man is no match for a cunning fox in his prime. And 100 cunning foxes in their best, the best prime? Best prime? No. No chance. Not happening. All right, so you can't be a gorilla.

I feel like the rabbits would just run. Turtle would be... No. Okay, depends on what type of turtle. I mean, a snapping turtle, here's the thing, though. Open field, they can't run fast for that long. Okay. But if you have to kill them to win, well...

Yeah, exactly. You have to kill them to win well yeah exactly you have to kill them a tortoise would be brutal to kill yeah because they're majestic creatures i mean it would be physically quite exhausting to kill even one of them unless there was a body of water nearby so if you want to be a fur you got to kill the animal that you most identify with and want to be and fuck people as uh do you think people get fucked by furries but they're not in an outfit like they're just dressed like a guy and they get fucked by like a fucking beetle i think they have like little compartments where they can get their dick out and fuck with the suit on that's what i'm saying yeah yeah i think that that's like i think that's like a part of the the thing i you know why wouldn't why would you pay like nine thousand dollars to not be able to fuck in the suit yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah i'm just wondering if there's like a curious george situation where

a guy dresses up like a zookeeper a a gay zookeeper from the 50s, and then he gets fucked by the monkey or whatever. Because I would imagine that that's probably like a popular role play scenario for that group. What's another classic animal-man pairing? Harambe and the baby? That's an awful one. Think anyone's gone for that?

I hope not. Dress like a baby? No,? That's an awful one. Think anyone's gone for that? I hope not. Dressed like a baby? I sincerely hope not. No, I don't like that one. Get dressed like a baby and get fucked by a gorilla? How about Scooby-Doo and Shaggy? Dressed like a baby, Scooby-Doo and Shaggy? Okay.

Who? Okay, would Shaggy fuck Shaggy? How about Garfield and... And Jim? Yeah. Is that his name? I think so. John.

Jim's the guy that made it. Yeah. Garfield and John, that's a good one. Alvin and the Chipmunks. So the Chipmunks and whatever the fucking owner is. I forget the owner's name. Alvin. Yeah.

The Chipmunks fuck him, I guess. How about... What about that frog that's like, Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal. How about Jiminy Cricket? Do you think there's any Jiminy Cricket furbies?

I don't think so. I think that's a classic. We're talking classic furry here. I would like to be the first one, but there would be nothing sexual about it for me. I would just love to look more like a cricket in my everyday life. That would be pretty good.

Dude, a realistic cricket costume would be so fucking sick. It would be terrifying, I feel like. It would be like iridescent black and spiky. How many... Unrelated. and spiky uh how many uh unrelated how many fifth graders do you think you could beat in a fight it depends on whether they're uh corn fed hmm i could i could beat probably 250 fifth grade girls in a fight. Okay.

They're terrible at ganging up. But here's the thing. You got long hair, dog, and girls fight mean. I got reach on everybody. Yeah, but they're going to swarm you. You're saying 250? Are they coming down a single file or are they going at your ass?

In general. I don't think so, dude. I think you're more likely to get dusted by 5th grade girls than like a 5 fifth grade boys. Because those young spines haven't developed all the way. You can just kick straight through the chest cavity. Okay.

Okay. So it depends on the scenario. Just snapping every single one. Yeah. I think I could confidently beat at least one. Yeah, I think that's the magic number right there. One. If they're single file, like imagine you're standing in front of a big pass.

There's two cliffs and a crevice in the middle. And there's a group, and they're kind of like Thermopylae your ass. They're going through the pass. One, I think I could go until I'm exhausted. How many I could kill, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I could kill, like, a lot. I think the hysteria would kick in, and they'd start killing each other. Yeah, that would be ideal.

If you get one and grab him by the leg and swing it around, you could use one as a weapon. How much do fifth graders weigh? What, like 70 pounds? Yeah. I mean, you could fire. You could use one as a weapon. How much do fifth graders weigh? What, like 70 pounds? Yeah. I mean, you could fire... You know, I can, like... I can, like, farmers carry, like, a 60-pound, you know, like...

Right. Fucking... What are the... Dumbbell? Kettlebell. Yeah. Like, yeah, that's no big deal. So I could probably wing those motherfuckers.

I couldn't throw them far. I couldn't, like, shot put them. I got a bad shoulder. But I feel like... Just kick them all in the knee. I couldn't throw them far. I couldn't, like, shot put them. I got a bad shoulder. But I feel like... Just kick them all in the knee. I feel like it would rock... Those knees are so low. ...to just, like, throw, like, one wheel kick that clips, like, six of their heads.

Like, you know. I would just... Yeah, I would... I would probably just have a gun. Yeah. And it would be so easy. What other types of deviancies are terrible but accepted? But accepted?

I think I'm going to add, I don't, you know, people that are into the, like, the dominatrix thing Has never ever been something That I'm like why would you pay money to have somebody Kicking a dick I can go get kicked in a dick For free I can just go Yeah also the guys who give a woman all their money Oh what are they called

Like that they don't know Yeah yeah That's the gayest shit on planet earth I had a This planet earth I had a This is funny I had Well funny to me I don't care

Everybody else thinks I had a guy reach out To me on twitter And he wanted to Buy me scratch offs Because He He was like

Into Fendom It was It was not a bot It was like a legit Like account I think it was like A throw away account i think it was like a throwaway account because i i was posting i was playing a lot of scratch offs at the time and i was like posting about uh like i won like 50 bucks and this guy was like i'll give you a hundred dollars a

week to play scratch offs you just have to send me pictures of it if you win and i was like what he was like yeah just the idea of somebody winning a lot of money and me not getting it is so insane. It's like, you know, like it's kind of hot. And I was like, I thought this was just like a retarded Twitter guy, but this is clearly. Didn't take the guy up on the offer. I think I should have, but. I don't want that following you around.

True. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, I've known people who did that but they were all bad people yeah there's I know if you let people do that for you you're a bad person in my opinion I've gotten hard up for money

if you're in a position where you don't have to take it I've been like hey you know I've like digitally begged before a handful of times for sure. But there was like there was a girl that I knew who did. There was just like this old guy that like would pay her like 50 bucks for her to like send videos of her being like, you have the smallest penis in the world, and your nuts are fucked up looking. I think it was like,

there's a whole penis humiliation fetish thing. Yeah, if you did that to me, I would start crying. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, dude, I can get that for free. It's like,

you have a fucked up dick, and it doesn't work. I'm like, all right, yeah. Yeah, I did not need to. Does it sound good to hear? How about you saying, hey, have a great day? Yeah, how about you say

your penis is normal looking and it works all the time when you want it to? That would be... That would be good. That would be good. This is maybe the one video and then I can just replay it.

It's like a really pretty girl. You don't have to say anything to me twice. Yeah, she's not even saying it's big. She's like, really pretty girl you have to say anything to me twice yeah she's not even saying it's big she's like hey thomas you have a really normal looking penis and it works all the time when you want it to it's like a cameo yeah it's jessica alba hey thomas it's me i like the idea of her doing cameo like yeah i saw i saw i got a promoted ad from like uh better help or whatever that mental health yeah yeah yeah like the chat bot thing for people want to kill themselves yeah and it was like david kenyer the guy from anchorman the bald guy from anchorman oh yeah i've seen that too i think yeah i'm like dude you got a DUI like last year Yeah

Like a few months ago I'm not taking advice from you Hell no You just left your wife of like 25 years Yeah David if you want to come on you can't I'm not taking mental health advice from you man You are losing it

Bad I like those The idea of like like getting to a point like as a people where it's like uh well i can't afford therapy so i'm gonna talk to a robot about how like i'm dissatisfied with my stock in life and nothing seems to work and medication doesn't work and the gym doesn't work and you know being You're sort of dissatisfied with who I am fundamentally and the robot's like, man, that sucks, dude.

Well, I'm not surprised at how much people are on their damn phones nowadays. They're on their damn phones with their pants around their ankles begging for money. No respect for teachers. Watching fucking South Park.

Watching me through my living room getting dressed in the kitchen. Yeah. Just because I like having my windows open because i my ac doesn't work yeah i'm hot i'm dripping i'm changing in the flower beds and they're looking at me from the street and they're knocking on the door and they're saying fuck you your dick is huge i hate it you got a little trowel hanging out your ass cheeks

yeah but humiliation fetish is stupid yeah you know you know it's humiliating actual life most of the things about your life just think about it yeah yeah most things about think of those thoughts on your own being a being a man is humiliating like it is like being 70 of life is just taking a dick up the ass proverbially yeah yeah sometimes literally if you know depending on what's going right i mean yeah but i i why would i have somebody be like you're fucking stupid and fat your body's fucked up looking i think that already man a b you know i'm gonna drop some truth on the listeners. Being a man is hard. Being a guy is lonely.

No one's looking out for you. No one's got your back. They all, you know, they pray on your downfall. Because when you play in the jungle, you play with snakes. Yeah. And when you play with the podcast, talk with jake yeah true and when you're hanging out with thomas you know you better bring your rake because we've got work to do yes we've got yard work to do and when you go to the restaurant they say would you like a steak they do say that they

say that and you and you know and when you go to pay out better be money that you make because that was an 80 t-bone steak and this weekend get your boat ready guys it's time to go to the lake that's correct that's that's that that is that is so right and when and when you're when your mom dies of cancer i I hope you brought your best suit. Because you're going to have to attend that wake. And after the funeral is done, it's time to go to a wedding. Yay. I hope there's some cake.

I hope there's some cake. I really hope there's some cake. But I hope it's real cake. Because there's one thing I hate. It's cake that's fake. Yep. And when there's cake that's fake, that's one thing that I really do when it comes down to it. I really do hate to bake.

Right. Because when you're when you love to bake, you want a cake that's moist and not a cake that's dry with flake right right when your hair starts to flake then you get really mad and you're you start fingering yourself in the shower and your legs start to quake. Yep, they do. They start to quake. But, you know, there's one thing that when my legs start to quake, I know that there's not a lot in this life that I can't

take. And when there's not a lot in life that you can't take, that's when you listen to Grinwald the Grake. Grinwald the Grake. Absolutely. You know. Abso-fucking-lutely, man.

We didn't even say break. Did we not? I don't think so. We need to go on, man. We didn't even say break. Did we not? I don't think so. We need to go on a break. This show sucks dick. Yeah. When you're in a podcast and you don't really know what you're doing. Just kidding, man.

We're experts on this shit. We're experts. We're so good. We're experts. People pay us money. They come to live shows. They're going to buy our merch whenever the fuck that shit gets made. Dude, major club owners message me on Facebook. And they're like, dude, we got to have you.

We got to have you. And then they message me again, like, a week later, and they say some other stuff. They say scary stuff. They say super scary stuff, like, you know. If you want to do a show at the austin place then you better come with a grin on your face because we rock rock rock it ball out and when you know when we come then we go all out congratulations on your two shows guys somebody offered to buy out the whole joint so what works for you because we love your show welcome to the pendejo bro show the pendejo guy they kept calling it pendejo yeah so anyway we're so good at

podcasting that uh that we can do stuff like that you know we're just picking our shots the club owner he can't be trusted i told him get on his knees and suck it yep when you get on your knees and suck it you better get ready for a big old busting big old busting you know yes i like my decor rustic and some wheat thins on my chest. Wheat thins on my chest and the sun is out. Get you in a sun dress with your butt cheeks out. With your butt cheeks out, yes, yes, yes, yes. Eating some trout in my dressy dress dress.

Dressy dress dress in the trout on my lips. You can suck on my nuts and maybe touch on my tip. Touch on my tip. Yes, that would be nice. But first I need to drink some sweet tea with some ice. Sweet tea with some ice is a tasty beverage

and drink. Why don't you tell me your favorite? What do you think? My favorite, I think You know what I like I like to eat hot tamale And yes Mike and Ike Mike and Ike's good And we got it made

There's nothing better than Mike's hard lemonade I get it from 7-Eleven It's my favorite store I get one, two and then I get three more. And then I get in my car, and I'm drunk as shit. Ride around town, and then I crash shit. I still owe about 15 grand on the car, but who gives a fuck,

because we're whipping in the boulevard. In the boulevard, feeling so awesome. Oops, swerve, don't want to hit the possum yes mr possum you look so nice you look so good you're eating rice no no sir your tummy will get upset and you know you've got to get your tongue wet before you eat the rice or else it will be sticky sticky you know me i like to go ricky hicky ricky sticky wiki wikipedia he's going around and then he might just pee on you and then he goes hey mr possum would you look at that it's a flower that just blossomed and that's called fucking bars dude. Anyone can put a beat over that if they'd like. And sell it.

Make that cheddar, bitch. If you dress like a furry, you belong in hell. If you make AI porno, you should go to jail. If you're not a normal guy who just likes boobs, then I'ma punch you in your face. And make money moves.

Cause, don't wear a dog collar out to the store. Why do you got to do that? What do you do it for? You're a sick fucking animal. And I'm going to shoot you in your chest. Because I believe in God and I stay blessed. If you wear a dog's muzzle and you bark at your man, then guess what, dude? I got a sword in my hand.

And I'm going to cut your fucking legs off because I don't like you as a person. I'm going to put you in the ground. But before that, you'll be in the hearse, son. And that's fucking, that's the fucking truth. Don't fuck with me. When I go to the lake, I don't want to see you pee pee. And a little ass dong, You're a big fat man Just wear a normal bathing suit

You fucking piece of shit I love every player Can't hate on your boy Just don't try and fuck an inflatable toy If I see you with a leash I'm gonna yank it and break your neck And then I might just go and kill everyone you ever checked upon and everybody you ever loved. And then I might steal one of your latex gloves.

And then I'm going to hide all the evidence. And then you will never be seen, never since. And then I go and steal 11 cents out of your piggy bank. Except it's not a regular piggy bank. It's got sexual deviancies to it. And then your family will have some sexual grievances towards you. And then I'm going to find your house and burn it down. Even every mouse because you probably sexually assaulted them.

And then I'm going to go and exalt you with your friends. I'll lift you up off a great big bridge, and then I'll throw you off, and make you into a soup down where the minnows live. Correct. Why are you buying real girl dolls? They cost so much money. There's real women out there. They're not very funny, but you can talk to them and you can

buy them a drink and then they'll probably tell you what they think about stuff like the property brothers don't fuck a plastic doll just find a single mother they're easy to find they're pretty much everywhere if you're kind of nice to them they'll give you their underwear you don't got to talk to their kid you can just buy him a glove or you could buy him a bat or you could buy him a bug don't fuck a silicone doll that's real fucking weird go out and find you one of them non-binary queers they're still you know whatever the fuck whatever you want to do good luck but just know that if you go online to buy a fake girl doll, I'm going to come in your house,

chop off your dick. And your balls. And your balls. Don't give your money to a dominatrix. You can find a single woman and watch The Matrix. And then you go to the jewelry store, and you say, would you like to hang out some more? And then you buy her a big diamond ring.

Then you, she's your wife and she plays with your thing. She plays with your thing and she plays with your butt. No, no, you are the naughty slut. Basically what we're trying to say is if you're a straight guy or maybe even gay, don't dress up like a dog or fuck a fake dog. Don't have a big old woman step on both of your balls. People are pretty easy to meet everywhere. Getting pussy is easy.

You can get it over there. You can get it at the mall. You can get it at the store. You can get it at the bar and you can get two more. If you're a gay guy dudes are everywhere they'll fuck you for just about any reason they don't care you don't even have to have money or a house you don't have to be funny you can even wear a blouse so don't wear a leash or a muzzle too because me and thomas will come looking for you timmy the Frog was a great big fun guy who loved to jump in the sun.

And he liked to play and swim in the water. He had two sons and he had two daughters. And he loved to be a happy little frog. And he liked to sit on a great big log, spinning around and hanging on lily pads. And, you know, he had a grandpa and silly dad. And he had a couple of nephews and uncles and he had a lot of teeth and knuckles and he had a tongue and he had a throat he went ribbit ribbit and he liked them out around the castle in which he stayed and he had some friends

some were even were gay but none of them like to dress up like other animals and you know they ate yogurt yes dana moles and you know he had some freckles and he had some moles and he had some rabbit friends and some of them were moles and you know he was on probation not parole there's a difference and if i'm on one of them and not the other you need to pay attention because one of them is way more serious and the other is not so serious right if you're a sadist or a masochist i got two things for you they're called fists it's real fucking weird to do that shit even i mean if you're a consenting adult i mean i guess it's legit but hey still don't be outside dressed like a vampire and punching on your wife or choking her with wire. Even if she likes it, I don't want to fucking see it.

I'm at Whole Foods to get lemonade and other shit. I don't fucking give a shit about your BDSM. I'm a cool ass guy. I watch MSM. That's mainstream media. I believe in it too. I vote for my favorite party. And you should too.

Don't fucking wear like a leather hat or a leather mask. I've got a bat. I got a big ass dog and she's meaner than fuck. And if you do any of that shit, well, well, good luck. I love hip-hop and dressing up like a fox. And I got a dildo that looks like a dragon's cock and I love wearing rubber ducky suits and when my boyfriend comes he fucks me in my poop and my penis too I love sounding and doing the do I love going to convention halls and showing all

the other foxes my balls. Go get a hotel room and such, and it smells like our bodies were starting to rust. I pay $6,000 at the La Quinta Inn to dress like a weasel, get my shit pushed in. It's real fucking easy. You can do it too. Just have your whole life go to shit bad stuff happens to you you spend all your disposable income on dressing like a fox and get covered in income you get dressed up like a fox you meet a lady who dresses up like a rat she's got a cool hat and she's got cool shoes she's gonna beat the fucking shit out of you because she's got other problems.

She's gonna slash your tires, but it's all cool because you're dressed up like vampires. I'm at the Lumineers show with my swinger wife and you know I got a pineapple shirt on. You know what that means? I'll let you fuck my wife.

I won't even call the police. You fucked my wife. I won't even call the police. I'm a programmer and I work in a lab, but I dress like a dog because I got fucked by my dad. So I go to the convention and I spread my ill wisdom. And I go with all my friends who are animals. And, you know, they they fuck me but with minimal stamina I'm getting so

tired of talking like this can we talk regular? we can do whatever we want let's just let you know that's enough of that that was a good that was a good run that was a really fucking long time.

That was stupid shit. God damn. Here's the thing, man. Neither me nor Thomas are mean guys. I don't want anyone to think that we're like... I'm kind of mean. Yeah, that's true. Me too.

I don't know why I said that. We're not that nice. We're not bad people. We we're we are prejudiced we're biased i guess we're kind of you're racist i'm not racist you're really truly racist i'm not racist at all dude yeah i have a half mexican girlfriend all right i'm good i can do whatever i want well yeah you're racist i'm not racist but here's the thing you know if you're if you if you're a sexual deviant check it out man i actually support it you know uh i think this life is so short and so bad that if you like to dress up like fucking you know john daily and get fucked by you you know, golf clubs or

whatever the fuck, man. I don't. I don't think anybody does that. I don't. But you never know, man. It's, you know, life is short. You know. Play ball.

You know, whatever the fuck. My finish is peeing on all of Jake's Amazon package boxes. What the fuck did you just say, dude? That didn't make any sense. I don't tamper with the package itself. I just pee on the box. Yeah, yeah. Smells like pee.

I got a sick fucking belt buckle, man. It's an old Miller High Life belt buckle from the 70s. I'm super hyped about that, yeah. That's cool. When did you get it? I ordered it today. I also got a new belt, a new one. I was like, fuck, I've always wanted one of these. I saw it, so I snagged it. new one And I was like Fuck I've always wanted

One of these And I saw it So I snagged it It's pretty sick Hyped about it I was gonna get some Cowboy boots I've been meaning

To get a pair But They're so expensive They're so fucking expensive Dude And you don't wanna like Buy a shitty pair That's made of like

Fucked up fake leather Or whatever Yeah like frog leather Yeah yeah So it's like It's one of those things it's like cowboy hats it's like you know there's like the shitty $20 ones god damn it and then there's like you know the fucked up uh like $500 stetsons or whatever oh my god damn it dude my like a $200 stetson was a good purchase, honestly. That's like a sweet spot.

Like, it's an investment, but it's not like you're blowing your wad completely, you know? Also, I think, like, with the belt buckle and with the hat, and honestly, the boots. There are motherfuckers that wear their cowboy hat to, like, go to the Dollar Tree. That's not necessary. A cowboy hat is an event thing, you know? Like, you don't wear it to go to, like, HEB or whatever the fuck. That's stupid as shit.

You wear it, you know, when you go to kill somebody or whatever. Makes you look cool. Chick. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicka, chicka doubt. What's it all about?

I need to get a, I need to get an old belt buckle and shit. My dad's got some cool ones from bull riding, but he actually earned those. What kind of shit did your dad do when he rode a bull? He just was like a...

He just did competition riding? Or was he like a... Did he do fucking... No, he just rode bulls. Dude, rodeos are cool to go to uh people talk shit about them they do stink but uh yeah i mean i like i like the parts that involve like almost dying i don't give a fuck about like tying up a goat no but i like it when they tie it well i think it's cool when they try to lasso, like, not the full-grown bulls, but, like, the teenaged bulls.

That's pretty fucking cool. Like, if you can wrassle a goddamn ornery animal like that, that's pretty fucking cool. Whenever my dad was a kid, he, Houston Rodeo used to have, like, a calf scramble thing. They let all the kids like uh pasadena where i'm from they have their own smaller version of the houston rodeo pasadena livestock show and rodeo well my dad won that one year and then they just had but they just had to back then they would literally give you the calf so if you won you just got an animal right yeah but they lived in like a one bedroom like shotgun yeah yeah sell it like immediately i mean you can get a pretty penny for a calf i guess

i uh i never like it's dude bull riding is one of those i mean it's a sport you know it's one of those things it's like there's a sport. It's one of those things. There's really no payoff, even if you're the best motherfucker. I could not name you the best bull rider. Dude, they make good money. Do they really? Oh, yeah, dude. I did not know that. Some of those guys make like 400 grand a night sometimes.

That's nuts. I had no idea. The top guys make fucking insane money. That's fucking crazy. I did not know that. There's levels to it for sure that like you know 20 years levels to it for sure yeah that's like 20 years of breaking every bone in your body and then by the time story about because all those guys do cope yeah yeah they're painkillers and shit yeah well to get

on the bull itself you need like a bump okay um yeah those guys i needed a bump to go to work for a while, so I get it. Yeah. No. Those guys party a lot. I think, like, the top, there was, like, I remember hearing a story about it. It was, like, the top bull rider in the world at the time. Like, he, like, snuck off after one of his competitions, and they were looking for him or whatever. And they found him in this, like, casino or whatever, and he was so fucked up, he went to take his hand out of his pocket,

and a giant bag of Coke just fell out of his pocket in front of the anti-doping officials or whatever. That's badass. Yeah. You've got to get a look at this guy. I googled best bull rider in USA, and this dude is fucking cool looking. I'm going to send it to you.

One second. This guy's geeking in the photo, dude. One second. I'm sending it to you. Fuck. Thomas. Everybody want to be a rodeo man. Look at this guy.

His jaws might just have a broken jaw. It just looks like he's tweaking like a motherfucker. Goofy-ass motherfucker. J.B. Money? J.B. Monty? I don't fucking know. I always assumed it was like bowling. Like even if you're the best, you make like, you know,

a hundred grand a year or some shit. But I guess not. i guess i'm fucking wrong once again i'm gonna look up richest bull riders richest bear backer you see what kind of results that gives me uh jb monty has earned 7.4 million. That is fucking retarded. Guillerme Marchi. 5.3. Yeah.

Jose Vitor Leme. 5.2. The one is 6.3 for Silvano Alves. Yeah, that's not bad. That's a lot of fucking cheese, man. Yeah, and a lot of that is like big chunks at a time. Yeah. It's like golfing. Yeah. fucking cheese, man. Yeah, and a lot of that is like big chunks at a time. Yeah. It's like golfing.

Yeah. You know, yeah. Chris Shivers, Mike Lee, Kike Pacheco. These are all bull rider names. Cody Lostro, Renato Nunez, Hobson Palermo. Valderon. Chase Outlaw. Come the fuck on, man. That's not real. Yeah, I ride bulls.

My name is Bull Rider. My name's fucking... Sage Kimsey. Yeah. He leads the Five Ridges Cowboys 2017. Cody Nance. Wiley Peterson alright I'm done with this that's enough

well me and Thomas are into cowboys we're really I just you know Thomas has told me he's like I always wanted to be

kissed by a cowboy so he wrote a song it's called Kissed by a Cowboy how does it go Thomas? if I could be kissed by a cowboy, I'd probably fly away. If I could be kissed by a cowboy. Sing it.

I'd probably touch his face. There we go. It's beautiful. If I could be kissed by a cowpoke. I'd probably fuck his butt. There we go. his chaps off and get him in my truck. Beautiful.

And kiss along his forehead. Right. And suck all his spurs. Tie a rope around his neck.

And drag him through a field and once the cowboy was dead I'd kneel down I'd give him cowboy head beautiful and when

the cowboy was gone I'd kiss him and then I'd wear a thong. Beautiful, Thomas. If I don't... I love that song, man. Thank you for sharing that with me. Yeah, I wrote that.

Yeah. I wrote that on my deathbed. Yeah, it's such a beautiful song yeah i wrote that about a sexy cowboy who would i would fuck him and kill him yeah no i got that i think that was kind of cryptic lyrics yeah the lyrics were a little mysterious but i kind of gleaned that from the subject matter yeah i got something you can glean from my subject matter right here. Nice. Are you talking about your penis?

I guess. Yeah. Because my scrotum or my sac area. Yeah. Or my giant fucking stupid ass big dong. My giant, my dumb ass dick, dude. Dude, my dick is so big I hate it. It's fucking stupid as fuck. My dick is so big they fucking have it bale hay and shit yeah i gotta wear a helmet it's so big yeah yeah yeah i gotta chalk my

dick like a truck and i put it on like four little foam blocks yeah my dick's so big it broke my toilet when i fucked it you're like talking to a girl on tinder you're like dude my dick's so fucking big dude Like I had to get it like registered with the state Yeah my dick's so big I fucked my toilet Until it broke out and all the poop came out of my floor I fucked a toilet tank dude And it split down the middle Yeah my toilet's so big I can reach down

To the bottom of the porta potty Yeah I can fill all the turds with my dick. I can slush around and make a big poop tornado. And then I get ants in there. My dick's so big it smells like fucking shit. My dick's so big I shit on the back of it

All the time I just wipe it off on the wall My dick's fucking so loud dude It's like a big angry toad My dick's so fucking big I shut it in the oven and turn it on And it fucking gets huge as fucking it stinks. My dick smells so fucking bad.

It's so big. There's green lines coming off of it. It's so big. My dick's so big, it smells so bad, I'm going to kill myself in front of you if you come over. Yeah, hey, come over Saturday night. I just need to let you know that my dick stinks so bad that they had to evacuate my whole apartment building. My dick's so big I could fuck the whole sewer

and fill it up with my cum because I make so much big fucking stupid cum. Poop cum, yeah. It would be really awesome. I jack off so hard I could fill up a whole port-a-potty and it overflows and it's poop and cum. It comes out like a big fucking stupid tsunami. Anyway, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to Applebee's with me.

Right, I was wondering if you wanted... I know you broke off the engagement, but I was wondering if you wanted to get back together with this big stupid fucking honky dick. Stinky dick having motherfucker. Fat honky dick. Yeah, this big fucking... And this white stinky snake I got in my fucking Wranglers. My dick's so fucking big i broke my shower head off fucking jacking off and fucking coming everywhere

my dick's so fucking big and stinky dude that the foundation of my house is like cracking because it's like my dick's so fucking long and skinny i used it to get hair out of my drain i just leave it on the tip. Yeah, who gives a fuck? My dick stinks anyway. My shit stinks anyway, dude. Yeah, I'll come snake your drain out, but I won't bring one of those fucking zip cords. I'll just put my stinky... I'll snake your brain out, bitch, with my fucking stupid big dick.

I'm going to throw my fucking dick down a well like Rapunzel or whatever the fuck. My dick's so big, it could fill up a whole lake. You could see the whole thing. It would be fucking huge. My dick's so big that the show is over. Goodbye.