Pendejo Time - laid off

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

have a seat sir, thank you for the pizza. what brings you hear today. I'm gonna have a slice of that. Support the Show.

Yeah. So we've got some great news. Yeah, I don't. I had absolutely no idea that I was going to lose my job today. You know, sometimes when you, I don't know if you've ever been let go, not fired. You know when you're going to get fired. There's kind of like a tension in the air a couple days before. But, oh yeah, you know, I just didn't know I was going to get laid off.

You know, I've been pretty busy. They called me in a meeting, and I thought it was going to be a meeting of how good I am at my job. And actually, what's funny is when I went into the meeting, the HR lady was there, and my first thought was that they found the show. when I went to the meeting the HR lady was there and my first thought was that they found the show. I was like,

oh, like, all right, I'm going to have some explaining to do. Like, I'll have to, you know, fucking say something or whatever the fuck or like,

they're just going to, you know, bitch me out. They're like, all right, well, you know. I didn't think that my boss wasted no time.

Props to her. I mean, there's like, it's, but she was like, hey, look, I don't want to fucking, I'm just going to say it. See ya. I got it. Hell yeah.

Did you have to stay the whole day or you get to go home? Well, I work from home, so I didn't have to go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. So in a way, both. In a way, both. Yeah. Yeah.

I worked from, I worked from home. You just moved to a different part of the couch? Yeah. I'm fucking tired of my office. Yeah, I was like, yeah, you know, the fucking, that lady's a real bitch. I'm just talking about, like, myself. Hey, fuck that guy who lives on the other side of the house. No, they, yeah, I like, I'm really glad i didn't buy i was looking at this chevy nova

or sorry chevelle it was like eight grand and i was like damn that's everything you know it's everything that's years and years of savings and i've got so i've got to show for it. Well, if I were you, I'd do it now. Do it now. Yeah, just do it now and then go to Ireland or wherever and try and get a job over there, maybe at a pub or something, and just leave all this behind. Yeah, I've thought about that. It would probably be funny if you went over there or something and just leave all this behind yeah i've thought about that you know the show probably

be funny if you went over there and you know in your head it's like welcome brother whatever and they all just like you get bullied in ireland i i mean they make fun of you for not being inbred enough this guy's got fucking ten toes none of them are even webbed. They're like, you know. Everything that I've read about it is nice. Like, the people are apparently. Which, like, the stereotype about the Irish is that they're all drunk and mean. But everybody that I've talked to that goes there, and then from what I've read online,

is that everybody is, like, six out of ten ten drunk all day which is Goldilocks drunk if you're like below a five drunk it's just kind of like you've had a few beers you're not even really drunk seven through ten is when you start to become you know sort of like a nuisance depending on your friend group and where you're at if you're in public what kind of establishment it is but somewhere in like the six six and a half maybe low sevens that is kind of like the world makes sense like zero beers get the fuck out of here i don't this shit's so overstimulating i don't care about what you're talking about man i fucking i want to go to my house three beers is like this isn't so bad i'm glad i got out you know but i could probably go home

here soon seven beers is i love everybody on earth i love everybody at this party equally and i want to know everything about your life 10 beers is i i'm gonna go out to my car and I'm going to listen to fucking, I don't know, I'm going to listen to, you know, Blaze Foley. I'm going to listen to Yacht Rock. I'm going to think about it and I'm going to drive home.

I'm not going to drive home. Just kidding. I'm going to get an Uber. Dude, I wonder what driving drunk is even like. I've thought about it before. Yeah, I wonder what it feels like. It's hard to even imagine Having the hand of God

On the wheel the whole time Yeah I wonder if Jesus Take the Wheel Is about drunk driving I don't remember how the song goes But I like to think Sometimes it feels like me And the

The ghost of death Riding shotgun. No, I haven't driven drunk in a long time, genuinely. I haven't. It's been... It's probably been at least... At least a year. Because I didn't drink for the first half of this year.

Did you say last year? No, I haven't driven drunk in a year because I didn't drink. I know, but that's not that long. Dude, listen. Just listen. I was going to say like when I was like 19. Oh, come the fuck on, dude. You know me.

I fucking, no. Dude, I haven't driven drunk in like it's two weeks no i haven't uh for somebody with your bloodline i'd say that's probably a record a year yeah no yeah it's definitely like for for sure because like i think my dad i think my dad started my dad was born like in a podunk town where you just you had a truck that just kind of like that your dad was like here's the keys and you're in like fifth grade one of those types of deals you know so I think my dad was driving drunk from like junior high on my mom is one of those people I love my my mom to death. She will be like, driving drunk is really bad.

I'm like, okay. And then she's like, but sometimes when you go to Chili's and you have two Presidente Margaritas, you're not going to call the Uber from Chili's, right? And I'm like, I mean, no, I wouldn't. No, neither of us are right in this situation, by the way. Like, neither of us are upstanding citizens. But, like, I wouldn't. No. Neither of us are right in this situation, by the way. Neither of us are upstanding citizens. But I know what she's saying. I understand.

I've actually had people in my life that have not been around anymore because of drunk driving. Sad stuff. But if I have a few beers. Paul Walker, for example. Paul Walker and I were super, super super close i inspired fast and furious when we were racing together in south florida um drunk driving is bad i'm not saying it's good i am saying that people do it and i do get a little mad when people that i know personally this has only happened a handful of times will get on their high horse about it like

no i've never done it like i've lived with i my room i have had some roommates like we were all we've had this conversation several times where inevitably someone's like yeah i just you know i just never made a habit out of it and i'm like mike you have a dui. He's like, yeah, but that was so long ago, and it was just a mistake. I was like, no. It was a mistake. That's an awesome cop out. People were like, look, I did something dumb, okay? Yeah.

It's like, all right, never mind then. Yeah. Look, I was a fucking kid. I was 25. I was a 25-year-old kid. Yeah. Look, I was a fucking kid. I was 25. I was a 25-year-old kid. Yeah. Come on. Sometimes you're a little kid.

You're messing around like a little kid, and you accidentally hit somebody with your car. Sometimes you're 28 years old with things to lose, and you drive drunk home from a Mexican restaurant with your girlfriend in the car. Sometimes your name is Jake Rhodes, and you do that well up until your late 20s. It's okay. It's not a big deal. Sometimes that's the catalyst for not drinking for a little while. What's up? Did I go for a frozen margarita?

Let me tell you, man. But no alcohol even. I think I just want to slush. Just a limeade slushie? Yeah. I'm not even in a mood to get hammered. I think I really – I think I just like soda. Dude, I –

I was thinking about this earlier today because I really only like – I usually only buy beer in the bottles. Yeah. These days. Yeah. usually only buy beer in the bottles yeah these days yeah i realized it's because i really i grew up liking the like ibc root beers of course and jones soda was the shit too yeah yeah yeah and i'm like you know if soda got me fucked up i don't know if i would still drink beer no i uh i like the taste of beer but uh dude if there was a root beer that

where you couldn't taste alcohol and it you could drink six of them and not get a tummy ache well because that's the thing with me i get i get worse tummy aches from soda i feel like than i do for sure for sure it's well it's there's like 80 grand they had that granddad's root beer that was popular as fuck for a little while. I think it's still around. I don't know if it's... I've seen it in a few stores. Yeah, it's dangerously good. It's one of those drinks that I'm like,

you shouldn't have this around me. You shouldn't... I'm not a psycho drunk or anything, but you shouldn't take— If they put booze in Dr. Pepper, I would have to kill myself. I think I'd— I saw they had the Sonic seltzers. Those suck dick.

Don't drink them. They're not good. They're not good? No, because they're sugar-free. They don't— Like the Ocean Water, which is one of the goaded sodas of all time, they're all sugar-free. which is one of the goaded sodas of all time. They're all sugar-free.

Now, I saw full sugar in the gas station yesterday, a full sugar Yarritos collection of hard Yarritos, the Mexican sodas. I had to look the other way. It was like I shall not covet my neighbor's wife type shit. Like I had to go to the other side of the gas station. I thought it was called Haritos. Haritos?

Yaritos? Whatever the fuck. It's Japanese, I think. Ooh, Warito. Harito! From the fucking... Like, trying to ham it up in front of some of my Mexican friends. I'm like, yeah, I had a Harito soda. I do that shit all the time with my girlfriend's mom.

I'm like, oh, do you want a michelada? She's like, michelada? She's like, michelada? She has an accent and she's from Mexico. She's like, oh, you want to make a michelada? I'm like, oh yeah, are you making tortas tonight? And she's like, mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was wondering, we should get some skirt steak from the micho cana. Just totally normal American, like Texas accent. Yeah, you know where we should go? We should go to Rosas. We should go to Rosas. Rosas Tortilla Factory.

We should go get some pollo al carbón. Hey, we should go over to Rosas. Like drop it. Hey, dude, after work, I figured me and dude we should go over to rosas like like drop it hey dude after work i figured me and you could uh head on over to rosas and then uh i've been craving me me personally i got a hankering for some uh pollo south caribbean what are you what are you looking at on your fucking fruit punch they got mandarin they got pineapple they got tamarind yeah i'll tell you something i differ with you on the tamarind one you don't like because i so i went through a stage in college where this is when i was trying to cut back on water

where i was pretty much only drinking beer and soda yeah and those haritos and i got the pineapple one i used to drink one of those big pineapple ones every day. Yeah. The ones you can get in the store. They're like probably one liter. Yeah, yeah. It's in a plastic bottle, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Pineapple was good. I liked the orange a lot as well. The mandarin. I don't know if I ever even tried the fruit punch. And I think I only tried the tamarind once, to be fair. But a tamarind as a flavor is kind of not something I'm super familiar with. Well, I love Mexican candy. Growing up, there were the hustlers at school,

in elementary and junior high and high school, they would sell Mexican candies for like a dollar a piece. Mexicans are horrible at candy. They're great at so many things. Fuck off. Mexican candy's the best, you sack of shit. Oh, yeah. I'd love to

see you fucking eat a goncito excitedly. That's a fucking jelly. It's like a pastry though. It's a horrible jelly. I used to work with guys who would have goncito and Bud Light for breakfast. It's fucking horrible.

There's one dude who would have probably six beers and like two pieces of candy for breakfast every day. But those are the hardest workers, dude. Actually, I'm lying. They're not. Nah, dude, he wasn't. I'll be honest. He was strong as fuck, and he could work hard, but he did not like doing it.

The guys at the whatever job you're doing, whatever labor gig, the guys that are just strong, like whenever... For like a week, they had me working at that job I worked where I was like the mechanics guy, but sometimes he would handle everything because i don't know what the fuck i was really doing so they would just have me as like a head labor or whatever and um i went and worked over with the civil dudes they pouring concrete and shit and uh and fucking there's a guy who can't he doesn't he's not allowed to work the jackhammer he's not even really allowed to be near the hole

but he can carry like six of the 50 pound bags of concrete on his back wrong like his back is clearly just contorted the fuck and they're like he's basically just like the village idiot for like the civil crew like the concrete guys like yeah go go over there and um help big tom load the fucking concrete up. Big Tom's just standing by the back of the truck. He doesn't do anything else. He just fucking dips Copenhagen, and then you just put concrete on his back. And he just kind of hobbles over to the hole.

He's like, not good at anything else. If God gave you a gift of having, like, a really strong spine and, like pretty pretty sturdy connective tissue you can just go wear concrete i guess until something in your body important sort of critically fails yeah which usually happens around 20 21 uh dude my body's not even that fucked up really uh but you know i like to think that it is i've got i mean it's just everything's wearing out but it's not really that fast you know i'll think like oh god getting old you know the past five years of intense labor have well my body hurts about 10 percent more so i'll be okay you know in the end

we're survivors me and you um yeah what life throws at us uh it's been i almost died at home depot today because i went straight there from work yeah and i had all i ate was a bagel today so i ate a bagel in the morning and then um you know worked 10 hours or whatever and then went to home depot because i had to get caulk with an l and uh toilet seat yeah i spent a fucking hour looking for caulk. Yeah. Pro tip, it's in the paint aisle, but I had to sit out on the curb like I was waiting for work or something. And eat peanut M&Ms to get my blood sugar back up. But it's okay. You know, that's what we do. We wander around.

Oh, I did something real embarrassing today. Yeah. Let me tell you. So I was walking down an aisle at Home Depot. You're getting married to a Puerto Rican guy who works at Home Depot? He was walking you down the aisle, and he put a little bit of, I don't know, like a wedge nut on your finger, and he was like, oh, you're my sexy wife. And you were like, yes, sir, that's me, Thomas.

Thomas White, your sexy wife. I'm so glad we got married at this Home Depot. And he was like, oh, you're so pretty. Why would my last name still be White? Because his last name is White also. It's just a coincidence. His name is Gilbert. Common last name. Common has a common last name.

Common Puerto Rican last name, yeah. He changed it from Blanco to be... I wish you guys could see the face that Thomas is giving me right now. I'm just looking at my knife. Anyway, so...

Going down an aisle, i go towards the intersection can't find fucking shit all right can't find fucking anything i'm retarded i can't fucking think at all i've been wheeling around an empty cart yeah uh and i let out a real satisfying sigh slash groan. I go, right as I hit the intersection, I let that noise out into a woman. Like into the side of her head. Like probably mid-40s. Yeah. Home Depot employee.

And I go, and she goes, yeah, yeah, it's tough stuff. Oh, you find everything all right? I said, yes, ma'am. Thank you. She said, all right. And then we went our separate ways.

But I tell you, man, in that moment, I thought, maybe I just have to kill her. That was so embarrassing. You know, I never know what to do in those situations. That's happened to me. Whether I should, you know, whether I should just never go back to Home Depot, whether I should just, you know, let the chopper bang or whatever. I don't know. Should I commit seppuku? Yeah, with, like, one of the fucking sawzalls or, like the chopper bang or whatever. I don't know. I spend, I commit to Puku.

Yeah. With like one of the fucking saws, all of a sudden you're like, yeah, one of the Ryobi ones, but I have to charge it in the middle. Yeah. For like two and a half hours.

The, uh, I do shit like that a lot and I've always kind of been that way. Cause I, I spend a lot of time inside, which is really good for me um i mean i i you know we do the podcast and i do band practice and you know i go play shows but i don't spend a lot of time especially since i started working from home like during covid

and i like don't i socialize with people who know me basically what i'm saying is i don't socialize myself with strangers and so there have been so many times too many times to count that like i'm at heb like i do this shit i think ashley just got used to it but when we first started dating she was like what the fuck are you doing probably like heb or walmart we were at target today um we were buying a lot of um children's clothing for we were making sure that none of them had you know any of the gender stuff on it it's been something that I've been really dedicated to lately. But anyway, I'll be at like Target or whatever, and I'm like, oh, if they're out of the detergent pods I like, the ones that make my clothes smell good, I'm like, you fucking cocksucker. You stupid fuck.

They're out of the thing you fucking like, you dumb idiot. And then always inevitably, there's like somebody right on the other side of the aisle that walks that walks and they got like a cart in their kid and they just heard like a grown man like oh you you need the gain pods with the stuff that makes your clothes soft because you're a fucking pussy and you're dumb as shit you're an idiot why don't you just get the powdered fucking cheap shit it's not like you have a fucking job dumbass like i was just a target i was like yeah i'm so fucking laid off and actually was like yeah we're just taking groceries man i i've expressed this to you before and i and i and i want to address the audience of the show um i don't know if you're like this but like

uh i texted it to you the other day it's like big stuff like this at the moment i was like on the call like on the meeting i was like oh okay yeah no i appreciate it like it's been fun working with you guys i hope i can leave you guys as references and they were like oh absolutely you know totally fine all day i haven't really even been that pissed off but i feel like in a couple weeks i'm gonna get a flat tire and I'm going to punch my side wind. You know what I'm saying? It's like the big shit, you kind of shove it back somewhere behind the brainstem and you go, it's good.

And then something little happens. You know, like you stub your toe at like 3 in the morning and then you're like trying to get into a fist fight with the fridge. Like it's just weird shit where everything, the floodgates kind of open up, the pressure valve kind of clears. You know, especially if I'm not going to the gym enough, I'm just like, like, I'll just fucking flip the fuck out, you know, like at a Walmart parking lot, because I had to look for parking too much, but then, like, somebody I love will die, and I'm like, oh, man, fuck, you know, life is a bitter a bitter bitter beast but it is what it is you know

and then i like you know i get a little piss i get a little piss on my jeans you know the little secret dribble you think you got it all out you put your pp back in your pants and then there's a little bitty drop that just flowers like you fucking pissed your pants completely i don't know why that happens to me. And then I'm like, well, I have to go home and I have to kill myself. That's pretty much the only thing I'd love to do

because I'm in public and I've got pee-pee on my pants. I'm a grown-ass man and I got piss on my jeans. It was just one drop of piss. How is it possible that it looks like I went piss on myself completely?

Yeah, anyway, man, you know what? I'm doing good. I'm sure you can tell that I'm doing pretty good i'm to be honest with you i don't think anybody in the audience really gives a fuck about like you know any of that well i guess in a real i don't think i mean i don't think you get to be the arbiter of what people like man you know what i'm saying i mean look you and me have been

friends there's people there's people who care about shit like, oh, Jake lost his job. Jake can't pay his bills, stuff like that. You know, but... Some of us have real problems. Like today, like I said, you know, I try and vent on this through this network as much as possible,

but like I... You know, I couldn't find the caulk. you know i couldn't find the caulk oh you couldn't find it yeah at home depot and i i found different silicone um seals you know but i couldn't find the one for the bathroom so think about you know think about what other people were going through before you want to, you know, it's about your nonsense. Sorry, man. I really didn't mean to interrupt you, bro. I do apologize. Please continue. I mean, like the stuff I've been through on Stardew Valley lately, like a lot of, I think a lot of people would actually relate to that.

They would relate to that more than whatever I'm going through, you know, like, I don't think most people ever really lose a job. anything like that, to be honest. You know, I'm happy that I got a little bit of money put away to float me through. I'm going to see. I don't have any money put away. I'm going to need to borrow a lot of that. You know? You need to think about that.

I tell you, I get laid off tomorrow. You're like, hey, man, I need like $7,400. I know that's like exactly what you have to get you through like the next two months and then like hopefully you're sorry man my dude my fucking truck broke down i'm sorry man and you're like didn't it break down last year i'm like yeah dude it's fucking tough they said it needs an ls 6.0 yeah i need the ls swap and i need the whistle the i need the supercharger that whistles it's like a five thousand dollar install man so i know i know that you gotta get

in you know i need a new brace and everything you don't want me crashing do you you want me dying in that thing start talking to me like a manipulative like high school girlfriend you're like look look i i want to make your life so good but i'm gonna need some some things first if I'm going to be able to take us to the next level. Yeah, I really feel like you've been dedicating a lot of time to your work, which I'm so proud of you for. But you're not dedicating enough time to us. And by that, I just mean I need you. I just want things. And I'm so proud of you, but you're not providing me the things that i

need and i deserve things too you know yeah it's just like i know you've had a hard time you're like your whole life whatever you know, I, you know, there's so many things, it's hard to even think of one thing. I need to get an oil change, you know. I have the money for it.

I'm going to get it probably tomorrow or the next day. I just don't want it. That weighs on me too. Yeah, yeah. You know, I got bills to pay. I got, you know, I owe my allergist some money. You know, I can pay him off, but I don't really want to, you know?

Yeah. I don't want to pay an allergist. I just think. What's he going to do, send me a box of pollen? You know? Like anthrax, like in the mail. Like going up to your most miserable depressed friend whose whole life has been a tragedy and being like uh hey i know you've had like like a rough go of it

like recently like with your whole with your whole life but like i just like there's just been some stuff going on with me personally you know that i just feel like you're not paying enough attention to i don't think i've ever had a conversation with a man like. I don't think I've ever had a conversation with a man like that. I don't think I've ever asked my friends to be present for me. It's just like, you know what I mean? All of the psychotherapy talk

that's really common with certain people online, I'm not saying it's a gendered thing necessarily, but I only ever see like A certain type of woman posting about that But I can't imagine If I texted Frank Or Cameron or Edgar And I was like hey man I just really feel like

First of all I want to say I love you But I really feel like you haven't been making time For my emotional needs lately And I really feel like you haven't been present In our friendship and I just want you to I want to hold you accountable to you know but girls only talk like that to impress their friends that's true it's all for the group chat yeah yeah well I don't know that's why that's no in some cases okay I see what you're saying some girls group chats are nasty dude

they're really no no but but in a when the when the woman's group chat is in a breakup mode yeah yeah yeah it's all hands on deck people are feeding sentences yeah yeah so you're gonna get sentences where you're like hey she doesn't know that word whatever you know and you're not gonna bring that up during the breakup because it's like you know you don't want to make things worse but right i've had a couple where i was like i don't think you know what that means yeah i know for sure you're using it right but did you look up how that are you can talk normal you can just say hey you're kind of an asshole and i don't want to be with you yeah yeah yeah give me that i don't like weaponized incompetence i don't want to be with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me that. I don't like weaponized incompetence.

I don't like emotional labor. Like, I don't... Those... Hey, you can tell me, hey, you don't treat me well. And... That's it. Cut to the chase, dude.

I've not... You know, I've just sort of been a kind of baseline piece of shit at previous, like, girlfriends, especially when I was younger. Just kind of like, you know, I don't know how to use my of baseline piece of shit at previous girlfriends, especially when I was younger. Just kind of like, you know, I don't know how to use my phone. I don't want to talk to you. She's like, hey, you take me on dates and you fall asleep.

You intentionally sleep until the food gets there. Then you leave your debit card on the table and then you fall asleep again. You take me out to dinner and then you look at your phone the whole time and then you like... Dude, I used to love doing that shit. Same. Because I would... Yeah. I used to...

It's really mean, dude. It's so fucking mean. No, but it's nice. It's nice. If you're in the right stage in your life, I wouldn't do it anymore. No, of course not. If you're in the right stage where you just kind of... How do I put this?

You just kind of need to... You don't want to sit alone, you know? No, for sure. You're like, I'll pay for you to get dinner or whatever. And then you don't even, the trick is you don't even have sex with him or anything. No, you don't. You just eat a burger and then you go your separate way. You get in a different Uber because you're going to your house. I like, dude, I have expressed this.

I remember getting into an argument with, like, an old girlfriend, a college girlfriend, and my worldview, I'm not throwing myself a pity party. I legitimately thought this way when I was, especially when I was younger. Because my only point of reference was my dad I was like I was like dude I might get drunk at every day and I might like black out when your parents are around and like I might like not I might like say cocksucker in front of your old ass grandma and I might show up to every family event super late and like super high on pills

and I might like not text you or call you on the phone for like a week and a half but at least i'm not addicted to crack and i didn't get you pregnant and leave like i was like like that was kind of like my i was like the bar i'm too i'm the best boyfriend in the world because i didn't uh crash a forklift into the side of a shipping container and then didn't tell you they laid me off. I think if my current relationship ended, I would be the worst future boyfriend for a couple years. Like, not boyfriend, but like, I think I would be. No, I see what you're saying. I'd be like, we can go to a bowling alley and we can get fried catfish, but I don't give a fuck about anything else. I don't care about your day.

Here's the thing. I totally agree with you, but here's why I say that if this one doesn't work out, I have no reason to suspect it won't. But if it didn't for whatever reason, I'm too old to do that. I feel like you've got a couple years where you can pull that off one more time. You get uno mas. Me, I'm 20 what i mean is i i think i would just start basically only going to those places oh and then it would be like if you want to go on a date with me you're gonna have to go to one of these places because i'm not going somewhere else yeah we're either going to a bar called Big Mike's Ice Shack, or we're going to the shittiest bowling alley in the world, or we're just going to the park, but it's not a nice one.

Or we're getting a good burger, and you're going to pay for yours. Yeah. We're going to go to the Flying Fish. It's my favorite seafood spot. It's very expensive, so I will not be paying for you. To be honest, I might not be paying for me i don't know my financial situation right now is pretty precarious i did just get laid off but i am here at the flying fish with you you you look great you're very we're going fishing your job is to look out for cops i don't have my fishing license And I am drunk

And I don't have my driver And this is not my boat This is not my Fishing pole This isn't my son I got something to tell you And I'm 12 years old This is not

You know that kid I've been introducing you to For like the last six months That's super not my kid Oh Dude I know what I would do What's that i would start to catch a predator you'd be a pedophile no but with grown-ups hold on that's not a predator what do you mean i don't understand yeah so this guy basically hear me out okay i'm listening so i pose as a grown woman online. Okay.

I'll wait for other grown men to reach out. Okay. And then I set up a meeting. A date. Okay. At the house of the woman. Okay.

Your house where I've been. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. And then they bring over pizza. I say, yeah, i really want pizza pepperoni please and then they come over and it's not a grown woman it's me and i say you mind if i take

take a seat and you also take a seat you mind if we both take a seat next to the table and bring the pizza over to the table and they say okay i said do you know why you're here and they say yeah is the girl here we're gonna hang out and they say maybe you mind if i have a piece of pizza and they say oh i i mean i guess it's a big pizza it's uh it's an extra large i say oh really hey man look i i'm sorry i was here to meet i was here to meet mia and like this pizza is like i don't want to go to waste but i i do want to express that i wasn't here to meet Mia, and this pizza is... I don't want it to go to waste, but I do want to express that I wasn't here to meet a grown man. How about you just sit tight for a second? Okay.

I'm going to have another piece, if that's alright. That's perfect. But I've got some paperwork here that in a minute we're going to have to look at. Okay, okay, okay. I just... I do need to reiterate, though, that I'm not gay. In fact, I feel like you're a little gay for doing this. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I just – Yeah. I do need to reiterate though that I'm not gay. In fact, I feel like you're a little gay for doing this to me, but I don't – I do – I want to make it clear. Well, the paperwork will decide who's gay.

I'll put it away. Okay. Is this – okay. I'm going to have a fourth piece of pizza, and I think that's going to be my last one. I'm getting pretty full, and I put, I've been dipping my crust in ranch. It's been very yummy. That's really, that's great. I just, so, okay, here's the thing, man.

We sexted. Now about this girl. We sexted. Okay, was that you telling me that you were going to, quote, throat my shit like a bomb pop? Because if it was, I feel like not only have i been lied to i do feel a little assaulted um if it wasn't you if you had like a freelancer that was a girl a that's cool b could i maybe like talk to her because she's she's pretty hot in text but if it was you yeah then i don't i don't understand what we're doing here you understand what i'm saying like well that's the magic of this show so i am being filmed

how about you step into the next room and you meet your long lost birth sister okay i um wow i have yeah that's who it was the whole time. Well, I haven't talked to Stephanie in 18 years, but you're telling me that the person that you had texting me that they were going to lick my asshole like a dog gets a peanut butter treat out of a Kong, that was Tiffany. Yep, just thought it would be funny. Honestly, it's not something we usually do on this show.

It's usually a way for me to eat pizza. Did she know that I was her brother? Is she in on that gag, that part of the gag? Or was she... I didn't even ask. I'm not sure if it's Tiffany. Okay, so she's not... My sister isn't in the other room.

Because if she is, we need to have a conversation. Her and I? I don't know which room she's in. She keeps moving around. She has ADHD. Okay. Tiffany Tiffany Tiff Finney okay I need knee okay if if he if any niffy I understand what you're doing here It seems like you're running a sort of Homosexual catfish operation

Where you get free pizza Tiffin That's what she goes by She goes by Tiffin, it's short for Tiffany She never went by that Tiffin I've got grown up size doggy doors And they're

Basically It's the whole frame of the door mostly I've got grown up size doggy doors And they're basically It's the whole frame of the door mostly But it still has a handle on it So she's coming through one of those right now Listen I feel Tiffin Tiffin's here I feel super disrespected

And I feel a little Sort of Hello Steven It's me, Tiffin. My sister's not Cockney and she's a woman. It's me, Tiffin. I'm a girl. You found a guy on Craigslist

from Eaton. Tiffin. Okay. Eaton's pizza. Yum. Yum. Hey, yum. Yum, yum, yum been... I never told a lie. So we were sexting. Just like George Jefferson. So you were the one who said

that I could turn you out like a doorknob. That was you? Well, doorknobs around here ain't too relevant as I've got these grown-up-sized doggy doors, one of my latest. Yeah, speaking of which, I feel like, Thomas, I feel like you tricked me into coming to some sort of gay sexual dungeon

to eat pizza with you and your British friend, which was not the thing I signed up for, and I need to reiterate again, I'm not interested in. Do you look at a place like this and you think dungeon? A little. I mean, there are bars on the windows. It's kind of, it's, it's... Well on the windows it's kind of it's it's well the wind the windows are barred cottage core the windows are barred every door seems to have

some sort of electromagnetic beeping lock i tried to get out of here earlier when you were bringing in it's called it's called mid-modernism i think it's called i really feel like now at this point i'm i am accepting the fact that I have been kidnapped and I'm not getting out of here alive. I want you to look at this paper plane I made out of the screenshots. How far do you think I could go? 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet, 400 feet, 500 feet, 600 feet, 700 feet, 800 feet, 900 feet, or 1,000 feet?

Or maybe 1,100 feet or maybe 1,200 feet, 900 feet, or 1,000 feet. Or maybe 1,100 feet, or maybe 1,200 feet, or maybe 1,300, or 1,400, 1,500, 1,600, 1,700, 1,800, 1,900, 2,000 feet. That would be a world record. Seeing that this little room that you've brought me in is- You mind if I have another piece of pizza? There's three sizes left, and I've had none. So yeah, go for it. I feel like I don't have much of a choice in anything now that i think about it i'm so full i i think i might be pregnant

from pizza is that even a thing tiffin i believe so jake might i ask you something sure man sure Sure, man. Sure. Sure. When you saw my naked body on iMessage, did you ever think it would lead to this moment? I saw the naked body of a pretty sexually attractive woman from Michigan. That's sort of what I thought was happening here. You didn't send me nudes of your hairy, sort of balding red British body,

because then I wouldn't have come here. Do you understand that? Like, I wouldn't have been... Me neither. Unless they had these grown-up doggy doors. So nice. Yeah, you know what? It is kind of...

I'm actually sort of... If I wasn't so terrified, I'm of the the work that you put into this but i do i do want to to clarify with you thomas and tiffany i'll get back to you uh so i'm not getting out of here alive that's sort of a given uh you can go whatever you want we were just kind of hanging out i tried the door it won't open so i i and and oh fuck tiffin did you lock the door i never lock a door it's a british way we can't lock doors because of the lock miss monster he loves to go into locked rooms and fuck people with his neck he fucks them and he makes them have explosive C-orgasms. I don't think that's... Jake, is that a thing?

Are you talking... I don't... The Loch Ness Monster. He likes to go into locked rooms and he'll get you lizard pregnant. That's awesome, man. So people are going to start looking... Jake, you lizard pregnant. That's awesome, man. So people are going to start looking.

Jake, you have schizophrenia. It does run. You have schizophrenia now. It does run in the family. You have schizophrenia. You have schizophrenia. Hey, Lou, how's it going? I haven't seen you since the NA meeting.

How's it been, Lou? It's been a long time. I was just fucking with you. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah,? I haven't seen you since the NA meeting. How's it been, Lou? It's been a little time. I was just fucking with you. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah. I get so bored in hell. Yeah, well, I'm glad that you could make... Can I leave, or where am I?

Am I in? Yeah, you can go ahead. I really don't give a fuck. Okay, cool, Lou. This is the best way. The pizza's real. You can have the rest. Yeah, oh, yeah.

You can have the rest of the pizza, Lou. I know you're a hungry guy. You've been... Oh, man, I'm so glad that I'm not going to get raped by a British guy and my friend Thomas, who I've been friends with, and I didn't think he would do anything. Right, yeah, you know what would happen to you. What would ever

happen to you. Lou, you could stop doing the British guy voice. Jake, I couldn't do that. Well, you see, Jake, this throat of ours, the demon voice, actually, I could taste blood last time I did it. I did it for so long. And this voice, I'd say, is probably the easiest for me.

Right. I forgot I can also speak like that. Yeah, this is my favorite. Sometimes, you know, method acting. Yeah. I guess this is my favorite voice to speak in as it's my normal voice I could you could change your normal voice

you ever think about that? you could talk a certain way for so long that people would kind of forget a little bit we talked about this before but like when I go back home dude my accent gets so bad and like if i spend an

extended amount of time like around my mom and my brother dude it's tough and around ashley's especially her dad i mean her mom you know but her dad is like we're from the same area we grew up in the same area like south houston so like just it's like a weird mixture of, like, and, like, fucking, you know. But. Yeah, this is the South Houston accent. This is my normal voice. All the real hard-ass thugs from South Houston talk like this. If you're a real Tango Blast or, like, Second Ward Pyro, you know how the fuck we get down when we talk like this.

Most city, baby. Hey, you better run those fucking pockets or it's the last fucking thing. I swear to God, these streets are not nice. Get the fuck out of A-Leaf. Yeah, get out of A-Leaf, you broke dick bitch. The streets ain't nice. They don't fuck with white boys like you. Don't ever come to Conroe again.

Don't ever. This is kind of an area. It's not really. Don't ever come to Cyprus again with that fucking long neck ass bitch. Pussy ass. Don't ever come to Bel Air. Which is. Which is a broke ass.

Pretty wealthy area. Yeah, don't ever come to fucking River Oaks with that fucking broke boy ass mentality. Ain't no money having ass. Don't come to Kingwood. Kingwood's a pretty solid area.

Yeah, it's mostly like suburb. My grandma was out there for a while area, yeah, it's mostly like suburb. My grandma my grandma was out there for a while and she got her COPD got pretty bad

and she kinda I think she had to move again. Hey, welcome to the fucking hood, bitch of Kingwood, Texas. Welcome to the hood, bitch. Welcome to the South hood, bitch of Kingwood, Texas. Welcome to the hood, bitch. Welcome to the... Southside, we roll our choppas.

25 lighters on my dresser. Yes, sir. It's the bar,er. Yes, sir. It's the bar baby. Bar baby. Pill, pill popper. I can't leave drink alone. I can't leave drink alone It got me feeling All I wanna do

Is bang screw Part of a dirty thing To serve me Anyway, you know, that's certainly a goddamn dude. That sucked so bad. I thought we had just hit. I thought we had just hit. No, no, no.

I got it. Anyway, so, Jake. Yeah. What would you say is the craziest thing that you would wish on an enemy? The most foul thing that you would wish on an enemy um the most foul thing that you would allow them do you know of an old torture technique called the boats you ever heard of it uh explain to me so what the boats is is uh they would uh they'd take a guy like a political prisoner or during the inquisition or whatever the fuck. You fucked over somebody that has a little bit of power. So they'd hollow out two logs, basically two canoes.

And then they would feed you a bunch of milk and honey until you had diarrhea and you were throwing up. They'd force feed it with a funnel into your stomach. And then they would rub a bunch of sweet milk and honey all over your naked body. All right. they would rub a bunch of sweet milk and honey all over your naked body. All right? And then they would cut out a hole for your face, a hole for your stomach on the boat,

and a hole for your dick and nuts. And then they would tie those two things together so it just looked like basically a snap pea. You know what I'm saying? Just kind of like a long oval with two points at the end. And then they would set you out on a body of water, typically like a lake. And then they would leave you out on a body of water typically like a lake and then they would leave you out there to get eaten by bugs wasps bees um mosquitoes and they would just that's just

how you die it takes a really long fucking time that they it could takes weeks uh and they'll bring you in they'll pull you in from the ropes keep you from dying of dehydration they'd feed you water but you can go three weeks without eating and then they would stuff your stomach with a bunch of more milk and honey and so you'd shit yourself and vomit all over the place and they'd send you back out on the boat um that to me i remember i remember reading about that and i was like good lord fuck that because like being drawn and quartered sounds fucked up you know like they give your arms and your legs and they tip four horses and they they rips your arms and legs off. It's brutal. But you bleed out pretty fucking quick.

You know, you bleed out in a couple minutes and then a minute of that is you're foggy. You know what I mean? You're not. But the boats, that's no good. That's no good. So if I had to wish something on an enemy, which, by the way, I don't have many enemies. I'm not saying I'm like a very, you know, like'm a very... Yeah, but just wait until we get super famous. Yeah, that's true.

There are so many people who want me dead. Many men. Many, many, many, many. Many men wish death upon me. Got it. You don't like that, do you? Hey, Thomas. Hey, baby.

Not my favorite. Hey, baby. Anyway. like that do you hey no thomas hey baby not my not my baby anyway i would say the worst thing i wish on an enemy i would say maybe uh for the rest of their life any food that they ever try to eat goes bad as they lift it up to their mouth. That's pretty tough. That's not good. Yeah. They will never have fresh food again. Yeah, that's tough stuff.

But it doesn't kill them instantly. They just basically are plagued. You get food poisoning all the time. Plagued by stomach issues. Probably get colon cancer and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I've always kind of sort of had... Yeah.

That's always a thing. That or maybe... Maybe every time they go to sleep, they get fucked by a bunch of mice or something. Like, they get basically molested by animals. Yeah, that's not good either. How about every animal in the world wants to get a piece of that ass cheeks yeah yeah so there's like mooses and like tigers

and elephants and all that no matter where they go the wildlife within let's say let's say just uh let's keep it realistic within a two mile radius yeah see that makes it difficult because you could try to avoid it by moving to an urban area but then you're getting fucked by rats all day so you can

maybe you try to move to the suburbs for a nice mix but there's coyotes out there there's coyotes there's dogs coyotes, dogs, cats imagine trying to get

dicked down by a feral street cat it's not gonna go good for you um you move out to the country you're fucked you're fucked well actually you know what no you if you move out to like the panhandle it's just prairie dogs and like you know jack rabbits and shit so i feel like you could probably wrestle them down buzzards maybe buzzards that's true armadillos coyotes yeah coyotes still um maybe like an eagle everyone's yeah like a red hawk yeah that would suck um i don't think they have really mountain lions out in the desert for the most part i think they mostly do like forest yeah areas where would be where would so you have to choose you'd have to

choose between you could live in the city and get fucked by mice. That's pretty much all you're dealing with out there. Nutri-rats, too, which is no good. Or you can move to the suburbs. And random pit bulls and stuff. Yeah, you gotta think about drug dealer dogs. That's tough stuff. The suburbs are kind of...

I feel like you could see them coming. You know? In the suburbs and rural area, that's a plus. Like, you're allowed to fortify your home to prevent the fucking. But you'd have to kill so many dogs. You'd have to kill a lot of dogs. So the rural area, that's a plus. You don't have to do much dog killing. No matter where you go, you're getting fucked by birds all the time.

Fucked by birds. You could try to build. The smart idea would be to pull like a castaway thing and live on a raft, and the fish can't really fuck you because they'd have to get on the boat and try to fuck you in their. Yeah, but what if something crazy happened? Yeah, like a big grouper, like a squid, like a manatee. Yeah, that's just my thought, too.

Imagine a squid. All right, all right. Puts its beak in your butt. Boat house on a manatee. Yeah, that's just my thought, too. Imagine a squid. All right, all right. Ooh. Puts its beak in your butt. A boathouse on a man-made lake. You got smallmouth bass. You got catfish. You know, I feel like you can handle that.

Water moccasins are tough. You don't want to get fucked by a venomous snake. Alligator snapping turtle. God damn, Bowser. Just getting fucked by Bowser would really suck. But I feel like maybe houseboat on a lake, like Canyon Lake, is a solid bet. Bullfrogs would be interesting. Yeah, but you can... They're so fast.

But you can fuck a bullfrog up. You know what I mean? Like, you can... It's not going to be able to fuck you. You can throw it back in a lake. You know? Now, like a thousand bullfrogs? That's but you're getting fucked by at least yeah yeah i mean there it's you know a little bit getting a couple pumps yeah i don't think it's how about um

I'm trying to think of the worst place I feel like the worst place is like deep woods deep woods you know what I mean like Humboldt County, California like you're up there in big country or like Montana, Wyoming like anything where

like you want to avoid a grizzly bear at all costs in general but now the stakes have been upped not only does it want to eat your body it also wants at all costs in general but now the stakes have been upped not only does it want to eat your body it also wants to fuck you so you've got to that i like deep country is bad because i feel like that's how they feel about me going in with most animals where it's right i know if they could they would also fuck right right right right yeah but i know what you mean i think deep country is the worst decision you can make. For sure.

And I would worry if I was in the Southwest about, like, weird creatures. Yeah. Ooh, you know, you could... Similar kind of setup to a houseboat on a man-made lake situation. You could go out to, like, deep desert. But you're kind of fucked in terms of how you can live. But there's just not a... If you go to, like, a tundra...

Ooh, good one. There's nothing out there. There's no... Now, you you can't eat there's no game and there's no snow leopards maybe true and they've got good camouflage so you're fucked six ways from sunday um wolves it's hard to eat out there too so i feel like with the lake you can fish you can probably avoid most of the fucking uh and you can't really fortify your lake. I mean, I don't know if you got a nice houseboat, you know what I mean? Alligator would be crazy. Yeah, but there's no alligators in Canyon Lake.

So I think you're all right. I'm not saying Canyon Lake specifically, but... There's zero? Yeah, none. No. So we have alligators here yeah there's no well the it's the it's colorado fed and there's there's like it's too cold it's like it's too way too cold like the mississippi river get the fuck out of here

it's brackish in a lot of places and so like crock alligators can go from salt to fresh water and the water stays warmer but um the guadalupe the comal the colorado are all pretty fucking cold so that the reptiles don't like to fuck around in there is the comal the one we went to um what do you mean we went to the over by san marcos uh no that might be so the guadalupe and the comal the two that run through there and the colorado but i think we went to a damned part of the kamal yeah the one that we swam in yeah yeah um that shit's cold as fuck dude year round yeah it felt like spring water yeah yeah yeah me and ash went the other day and it was still cold as shit it was hot as fuck outside um i want to get back out there y'all got to come up again soon i'm a five no goddamn job so y'all fucking i guess when we film the when... When you come up to film, if we're done...

When we're done filming that sketch, we can all go out and get in the water. Yeah, that'd be fun. Fuck. I'd also be down this month. Anyway. Yeah, hey, dude, yeah, come... Well, I was going to come to you for Fort Worth, but if you want to make the trip back down, just... I'd be down.

Cool. We can do it. Cool, that would help out um and uh we can go we can go swimming and shit um i want to go fishing we should get some cheap poles and some fucking cheap bait yeah we should just go fish because they don't out there i've been fishing so long it's been so fucking long for me too dude it'd be cool to like set up on a just set up on somewhere out there drink beer fish oh yeah um hey if you're listening to this how much time we got left in this cocksucker we got like five okay well yeah

we can chill um hey uh if you guys do you guys fish if so let us know uh if you're a texas boy um i live right next to the trinity river um and River And there's some decent fishing I'll tell you what I want to catch Alright I want to catch an alligator gar Those are cool as fuck People There's so many of them

Yeah yeah They're like dinosaurs man They're sick Yeah I think they're cool I used to be so afraid of them growing up But now I know they're just Like they don't give a fuck

That's something that happened to me too When I was a kid Like I had to Like my uncle always told me they were mean and i was like oh and also gar that's a hard-ass name for an animal and they call alligator yeah so you think it's like an alligator yeah yeah but it's not scaly you can't really like it has it has like it could fuck you up but it does right they don't they don't give a fuck. They get big, dude. The motherfuckers get huge. Yeah. Yeah, I want to fucking.

I mean, obviously, I wouldn't want to accidentally kick one while I was swimming, but. Dude. They're not, like, human hunters. No, no, no, no, no. They don't bite you and chew you up or nothing. Did you ever see the River Monsters episode? Yeah. On Alligator Girls?

He was in the Trinity. I don't think I saw that one, but I used to love that show for sure. Yeah, so he was in like Fort Worth basically, or somewhere in Texas, and he was acting like he was on the Amazon. That's hilarious. He's like right next to a half a million dollars. Yeah, he was like,

we don't know what will be around this corner, but we'll have to see. And it's like people tubing. It's like a million dollar mansion next to him just out of camera view or whatever the fuck. Yeah, like Tony Romo is like fucking a hooker on his patio. Yeah, I like the Trinity's cool. It's just like we fish the Brad's. This is good fishing. Trinity's cool. It's just like... We fish the Brazzis a little bit. Brazzis is good fishing.

Anything where it gets kind of nasty, I feel like is good for big-ass catfish. Because we would go fishing... When I was a kid, when we would go up to East Texas, we would go fishing and get big-ass catfish, and we'd eat them. Like, you're not supposed to, but who's going to tell a bunch of fucking farm retards what to eat?

But Canyon Lake has, like... I mean, it's better than catching them off the Gulf. Oh, dude. I was reading recently about how bad Gulf of Mexico is. It's so nasty. And growing up, we would go to Galveston or whatever and, like, eat fish from there. I think my brother or somebody caught a kingfish.

We ate that. It tasted like chicken. It was weird. And then it turned out those big fish are what you are not supposed to eat. No. Like at all. So the Ship Channel caught fucking fire in the 70s like a body of water that goes into the because people this was like regulation had been fucking

torn to shit and so people were just straight up dumping like crude fucking like by pro like plastic byproduct highly flammable shit into the water and it caught fire in the 70s and it just kind of burned for a while because they didn't know how to put it out because it's the ocean um but i remember as a kid we would go fishing off the pier uh in galveston and my dad was like i was like oh we're gonna eat any of these and he was like i mean you can it's just like you don't want to and i'm like oh why and he's like oh so like um people like get gangrene in this water like like learning that the gulf of mexico is basically just like a poison soup like it's not good you have to go so far out on like a deep sea fishing trip to get i mean you can eat it it's not a big deal like you're not gonna die but they've got high levels

of like mercury and like lead and fucking you know benzene and shit and like everything out there yeah you don't wanna have to worry about that on a vacation

yeah but I'm super down uh to head out if you wanna the 15th so I guess next weekend if you wanna come up

yeah so I accidentally miscommunicated we were already um planning on doing wait what I thought I thought I thought I was in my head I thought I was coming down Yeah, so I accidentally miscommunicated. We were already planning on doing that. Wait, what?

I thought I was in my head. I thought I was coming down. No, I was going to come up because you came down last time. Yeah, yeah. No, it's all good. But yeah, we'll come down. Okay, cool. Badass.

As long as it's true. No, yeah, that's true. Yeah, this isn't podcasting anymore. This is just us hanging out. But yeah, I'll let Ashley know. It'll be fine. Hey, that's exactly what podcasting is. is just us hanging out but yeah i'll let ashley know it'll be fine hey that's exactly what that's true good point man if you're if you're listening to this thank you for tuning in once again this has been the free episode of pandeo time if you would like

uh twice as much content uh head over to patreon.com slash pandeo time we've got an extra premium episode every week and for an additional five dollars a month you can join our honcho tier and get a uh video episode every month we just put our latest one out and it's pretty dang good yeah we got another one coming uh i got the i got the macbook so i'm gonna try to get that fixed and And then me and Thomas are going to film in a couple weeks. And then we got a little buddy of mine with a bunch of shit is going to help us film some sketch stuff. So we're going to start pumping out more video content for y'all motherfuckers.

And if you're a recent sub because of the Will Miniker episode, hell yeah. Thank you for joining. And be sure to tune in for very astute political observations from the both of us. Yes. Moving forward. Absolutely. All right. Such as, what is an alligator?

What is a gar? Making a documentary like Matt Walsh, just asking like fishermen, what is an alligator gar? What is a gar? Making a documentary like Matt Walsh, just asking like fishermen, what is an alligator gar? What is a fish? Very smugly. Anyway. Bye. Thank you guys for listening. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.