Pendejo Time - Laptop Torture

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

If I dont get a fucking job soon I am going to kill myself. This is Jake speaking. Thomas has a job and 1 million dollars. All i have is this broke pecker and these little nuts. And a Nissan Altima. Actually the bank owns that.Support the Show.

you know don't don't fucking tell me when to record listen man um we are at we're at we're getting to where you know i think i think you need to back off me a little bit uh you think just because that you you know are fucking the coolest guy Dude, you're stuttering. You're shaking in your boots right now. I ain't even wearing shoes, motherfucker. Because you're trying to stand up to me. And you're just falling flat on your face. It's like what they told me back in the army.

What'd they tell you? Once you go back, you never black down. What was that movie called? Blacked Out Down? Yeah. Yeah. Black Talk Down. It's a bunch of army guys getting...

Never mind. All right, whatever. Black Block. Black Block. Yeah. Black Block Down. It's a bunch of, like, 90-pound Antifa guys, like, banding each other up in the streets. Yeah, that'd be crazy.

That'd be crazy i'll be wild fuck you oh shit god i wish you guys could see thomas right now because dude i know that it like you don't seem like a halloween guy but if you like i know your hair's already dark and you're not 900 years old but you would rock like if you like i know your hair's already dark and you're not 900 years old but you would rock like if you got some like some black hair dye and just did the goatee like and put off like a pillow and wore like your taekwondo gi if you still have it you could kill a steven seagal dude yeah like i think i've got the the proper like ambiguous hairline yeah it's like it's straight across but it's like it's also back a little bit yeah yeah it's like the it's like the like you don't have hair plugs i know you don't

yeah but it's like the guy who like it's it's it's too it's the hairline's too prominent so it's clearly a guy who like it was fading and then he got him plugged up yeah you know what's weird is it has been in this exact same position for, like, three years. Well, I was looking at pictures of my... Because sometimes I'll be like, dude, I'm going fucking bald. But then I'll look at pictures of myself from when I was 16, and I had the same hairline. It's just always been fucked up, like, towards the temples. Yeah.

I mean, mine has gone back, but it's like... I also have a big forehead. Yeah, same, dude. I just... My shit, like... Ashleyley was like let's make a tiktok and i like looked at myself and her camera and i was like dude my fucking head is just is disgustingly big i need to get it reduced oh you don't you're like not going bald at all, right? No, why? No, I was trying to discuss plans for when we go bald, but I think we've had this conversation like five times. Yeah, well, here's the thing.

Per basic understanding of genetics per Google, I will never ever grow a beard, but I won't ever grow. Every man in my family is like baby-faced until they're like 50, and they have a shitty mustache, but they just don't go bald. They just family is like baby faced until they're like 50 and they have a shitty mustache but they just don't go bald they just go gray yeah so I'll just have like but I don't know dude like whenever I see guys on the street with full heads of like thick hair like whenever I see my dad he's got a full head of hair but it's like gray I'm like dude grow up man like it seems like a guy trying to stay young like just shave yourself bald

you know yeah like i wouldn't i wouldn't mind going gray early but i wouldn't want to go there's certain types of bald where it's not so bad but like if i had if i was like 22 with a huge bald spot yeah that would be that would be bad it's okay to go bald early but it it's like you have to do it in sort of an alpha way. Like a Johnny Sins bald where it's clear that he steered into the skid and did the shave, but it still grows in kind of 5 o'clock on the sides. Plus, it helps to be jacked. Like if you do a CrossFit bald guy, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, also if you have a 15-inch penis. Yeah, a big old picker and millions of dollars. Yeah, that helps. Yeah. But let's say you've got roughly a quarter of that, which I assume most listener base is working with. And your savings account is somewhere in the $10 to $22 range. Yeah. If you are still even allowed near a credit union.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, I wouldn't mind going full, like, Jesse Ventura with it. Yeah, we've talked, yeah, that's a really, if it's natural and, like, you have a personality that can really, like, knock that thing out of the park like the bald pony uh like lower back pony is just like it's it suits him too because he's just like a fucking well he used to be bald he used to be whenever he was a politician he was when he was governor was he yeah he had like i feel like he had like a mustache or a goatee and he shaved it bald. Or like a number one. I don't think he was like clean.

But he just looked racist. I remember, I think I talked about this. We're only 50 episodes in and we're just like, fuck it. We're 50 episodes in? We're 46, yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah.

We've had that many episodes and we've talked about almost nothing. Six things? Like maybe max. Physiques, body fat percentages, diarrhea, diarrhea pre-workout i've got a new one today what's that my feet hurt oh yeah your dog's barking do you have flat feet or do you got an arch i think we've talked about this i've got real flat feet and they hang over the side of my work boots oh yeah we have to. And then they like grind into the side of my steel toes. Do you get bunions?

Oh yeah. Nice. I get... Nice. Yeah. Pretty cool. I uh... I want to... I remember I tried to get these arch

inserts. Yeah. But they just like made me feel like my feet were gonna snap in half so i'd be walking around the fucking job site like you know like i don't know like it looked like i was like okay like the chinese women that like squished their feet up like that's what i felt like like the foot binding thing. I have some of those. Because I thought they were, whenever I got my Red Wings, they were like, oh, do you want insoles? And they'll help with your flat feet. And I was like, sure.

I assumed they'd be free or maybe $10. And no, they were $60. But then I was too afraid to say anything, and so I just paid for them. I think within like, they felt really good, and then I think within two months, I'd completely worn them down, basically. Like a hammer someone uses to cut a channel. Yeah, like my foot it just

figured out a way to like flatten them out yeah oh yeah i don't i don't i don't know dude like i was reading about how it can cause like serious hip like it fucks your whole shit up dude and i'm like well what can i do about this and they're like nothing you're just a genetic freak and you're gonna have back pain when you're older because of this i'm like, well, what can I do about this? And they're like, nothing. You're just a genetic freak. And you're going to have back pain when you're older because of this. I'm like, all right, that's dope. And then when I try to figure it out, it just hurts. So I'm like, fuck it. I think I'm just going to, like, I don't know, continue to live my life as I normally have until something falls apart,

which is usually once every six months. Yeah. Oh, well. What's your Thomas challenge for the week that's thomas challenge i know i know you were saying before we started this that it was hard when you didn't want to talk about it but i think like you should tell it's not hard to explain but I get emotional yeah I get it sucks too when I have something prepared like this yeah and I know you know I know what I'm you know I know it is and I and you know even if I didn't you know I'm I didn't you know I'm

I probably wouldn't even be worried because I'm usually like good on my feet yeah but this week's um this week's challenge is probably pretty easy

to guess for you you know because I already told you yeah I don't want to guess I want you to say it because it should be no I didn't

I wouldn't want you to guess because I want to say it okay I wouldn't want to have a challenge you to say it because no i didn't i wouldn't want you to guess because i want to say it okay i wouldn't want to have a challenge you know have it be your challenge the thomas challenge and then who says it jake well that doesn't make any darn sense at all you know that would be weird yeah um so and so that's why I'm going to announce it. Yeah. This time I'm not letting Jake do it.

Yeah. I'm not letting Jake's cooler, objectively cooler roommate Igor do it. I'm not letting anybody do it except for me. Because whose responsibility is it? Ultimately, it doesn't fall on me. It's up to somebody else, but I take the responsibility. I take up the mantle.

With great power comes great Thomas Challenges. With great power comes a huge outlet, and you can plug your phone in. You can plug your phone in You can plug your laptop in But here's what you can't plug in A lot of kids nowadays Can't plug in their brains

Because they're so obsessed With you guessed it The Thomas Challenge Technology And technology Is what brings us to our weekly Thomas Challenge of the week, which I have chosen to announce. This week's Thomas Challenge, brought to you by, Jake, who is it brought to you by? Astroglide Lubricant.

astroglide lubricant this is an odd choice that you picked out but that's Jake's contribution he picked that out anyway the challenge is once again this is a Thomas for the week is

if you see how many sandwiches you can make in a week, and at the end of the week, I want you to take a picture of each sandwich. By the way, you're not allowed to eat any of these because you need to take the picture at the end of the week with all the sandwiches in the picture, so I know you're not allowed to eat any of these because you need to take the picture at the end of the week with all the sandwiches in the picture so i know you're not a big phony and i need you buying sandwiches you have to write the latin names of each of the sandwiches under the sandwich yeah in paper and ink please and also a description of how your week went

and you send that right over to Jake. Don't tell me anything about it. Yeah. Because I don't like to be objective, so I don't need to know who it's from. Yeah. But Jake will forward it to me. I'll send the best sandwiches off to Thomas.

And I'll send it, you guessed it, President Joe Biden. President Joe Biden. What's your favorite type of sandwich to eat? My favorite type of sandwich. I can't believe people paid for this, man. So, I got different moods. All right, let's hear it, man. If I'm at the house,

All right, let's hear it, man. If I'm at the house, my favorite two sandwiches to make at my house are, A, the grilled cheese sandwich. Dude, the noble grilled cheese. Here's, but I'm kind of, when I make them, I like to make them pretty unhealthy. Oh, you fuck them up with what? Hmm?

You fuck them up like a hell of a ton of butter on each side? I don't go... Honestly, I went crazy with the butter for a while. What I like to do is I'll use mayo instead of butter. I've heard that, but I don't fuck with mayonnaise. Okay. Well, man, how but I don't fuck with mayonnaise. Okay. Well, man, how about you shut the fuck up, because now even you're making the sandwich. I like to use either mayonnaise or that spreadable butter, because then I can do a more even coat on each side.

because then I can do a more even coat on each side, and then I'm not getting those clumps, those clusters of bread where there's more butter than others. Because when that happens to me, when I take one bite, no butter, next bite, all the butter in the world and more, it makes me think about doing something terrible. Yeah. And I can't even say it. Yeah.

But anyway, and then I like to use, I've got two types of grilled cheese I'll do. So I'll do the one with like white Wonder Bread and the mayonnaise or the butter and then like the fake American cheese. And then sometimes I'll go a little fancy. All right. And I'll use like French bread. Yeah. And then sometimes it'll go a little fancy. All right.

And I'll use like French bread. Yeah. And if I've got it, I'll use like smoked Gouda cheese and I'll do like a slice of tomato on there. Nice. And sometimes even like I'll spruce it up and then it'll become like have ham and avocado and stuff, which isn't really like a grilled cheese. It's just anyway. Yeah. Ham's a little panini more of anything yeah yeah but then also i like the uh the humble peanut butter and jelly sandwich gotta gotta love it man i like to toast my pb and j's man i just can't like i'm not really a fan of the like like just normal ass bread you get from the store like it's too like moist like it sticks to the roof of your mouth i hear that i know it's all fucked up so like yeah

if i can get some honey weed or something that's like a little got a little bit more of a bite to it a little bit more of like a like a dryness a little bit more to it i'll i'll get that and and make the classic pbj but i put nutella my pb and j because i fucking love nutella i started i remember when i was like for some reason when I was a kid, I thought Nutella was like, I thought Nutella and peanut butter were like good for you. So I would like, in my mind, Nutella was just like a nut spread, which like it kind of is. I got a nut spread for you right here. I'm sure you do, bud.

And I'm sure it's real nasty because your diet's bad and i'm sure it's there's not a lot of like there's not a lot of like you know swimmers in there it's mostly just watery yeah it's sort of like uh it's like if you left some oatmeal out for like a couple days because it's so strong oh okay yeah it's clumpy yeah it comes out all at once like a nerd's rope it's like you're getting a clog out of a hose yeah you're just making it rain all the hair comes out yeah anyway your favorite kinds of sandwiches uh yeah so i like to do i'm like a more like a southwest guy i love avocado and like pepper jack cheese so i'll put that with some turkey yeah i'm kind of like a california guy because i like avocado yeah yeah i'm like a southwest like desert kind of guy i'm kind of like a rock

and roll like rockabilly guy yeah but uh but that's if i have the time to make like a sandwich that i want to eat like a lot of times if i'm eating a fucking sandwich it's because like i have to eat something or like i'm gaming or like i've been working for too long and i need something in my stomach so it'll just be like bread meat maybe a slice of cheese but like that's like like you ever make nachos quote unquote but you just put shredded cheese on a bunch of cheese, but like, that's like, like you ever make nachos quote unquote, but you just put shredded cheese on a bunch of stale tortilla chips and microwave it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's kind of the sandwich that I'm thinking about. That's my go-to, but it's not my favorite. My favorite has got to be like, you know,

like some avocado on there, some pepper jack, turkey, sourdough toasted. You got to toast it, motherfucker. And then, uh, like some avocado on there, some pepper jack, turkey, sourdough, toasted. You got to toast that motherfucker. And then like one of them fucked up mustards. I fucking hate yellow mustard, but I do really fucking love like a stone ground like sausage mustard, you know? Yeah.

Like a brat mustard. Yeah. Yeah. I would say if I'm getting a sandwich, I like to either get like a Cuban because it's kind of hard to mess one up, you know? Yeah. Or I'll just get like... You ever eat a Schlotzky's? I used to. I'm more of a McAllister's guy, but i used to fuck with schlotzky's i like just the original like the original schlotzky's yeah and i'll get it in a

large so it's like the size of a cake yeah yeah and it's like 15 and not really worth it but i'll But I'll get that with a $4 fused tea, and then the cashier lady yells at me for ordering a sandwich. Anyway, then I have to bravely defend my honor. Yeah, you roundhouse kicker as fuck. Yeah. I like just a nice club sandwich. Yeah, club sandwiches fuck hard. Also Italian subs in general. Yeah, I just, dude, I fucking, I will give myself high blood pressure, like, eating those, like, prosciutto cheese sticks from the gas station.

Like, I'll literally be like, I want a snack that's so salty that I'm going to go blind. What, like, I know a snack that's so salty that I'm going to go blind. I know they've got to have it. And I'll get like, on the way, when I make drives from Austin to Houston or whatever, I will like, I'll be like, okay, I need a snack at 7 in the morning. And I need some Red Bull to wake up. So I'll get a rain. And then I'll get like four of those prosciutto mozzarella sticks. And then like an hour into the trip, I'm get a rain, and then I'll get, like, four of those prosciutto mozzarella sticks. And then, like, an hour into the trip, I'm like, wow, why do I feel so fucking awful?

And it's because I just ate, like, a quarter pound of cheese and a bunch of, like, salted cured meat and then, like, 350 milligrams of caffeine. And I'm like, dude, I'm like, man, did I eat something last night? I went to Central Market your stomach has like it's like churning a bunch of cheese yeah you cut out but you're back that's ok anyway I went to Central Market

but I didn't get very many good groceries that made sense so I last night I had summer sausage and Gouda cheese and crackers and Taco Bell. Yes, that fucking rules. I was going to cook more. I was going to actually cook something, but by the time I realized that all I really had to work with was tilapia and a pot roast that I didn't have time to make, I was like, yeah, I'm just going to go to Taco Bell now.

Yeah. Because this is... Dude, I wouldn't buy 50 fucking tilapia. Well, I used to. Buy like 50 fucking frozen tilapia for Walmart because they're so cheap. I go grocery shopping. I meant to do all that. No, wasn't...

What? I meant to make a pot roast today and I forgot to. Dude, tilapia's a trash fish. Like, there's no nutrients in it. They live on the bottom of the ocean. They eat fucking cans and shit they eat like fucking mud yeah don't they farm them

yeah they like they're like completely nutrient deficient like there's no you might as well just eat gum they have a lot of protein I mean fish has protein but it's like there's like there's like practically no

like omega fatty acids and shit that you'd find in things like salmon or bass. Like, none of the things that are associated with it. Like, there's just nothing. It's just like fucking eating fucking dog food. Yeah, I have a really hard time getting full off tilapia. Yeah, you can eat like six. Well, they're super low calorie.

You can eat like fucking eight fillets, and it's like 300 calories, and it like a pound to two pounds of fish. Yeah. This is such a good episode, man. In Haiti. Were you in Haiti? Yeah. What happened?

No. uh well now i i was saying in in haiti they uh and i assume other developing countries they uh have tried to set up little tilapia farms really as a source of food i know this because i'm loosely connected with some missionaries out there and um even like the clinton foundation who they're out there you know probably because there's so many kids out there but anyway yeah i guess they actually do actually do stuff in the real world you know but yeah because they kind of have to if you have that much money you actually i mean you have to be doing something. But it's, like, really hard to, apparently in certain climates you, like, can't. It's, they require this, like, combination of, like, water temperatures and nutrients and stuff that's like really hard to replicate in a In a non like large-scale

synthetic environment like a like yeah From what I understand now, this is from talking like two people if I'm incorrect I need you to understand if you're listening. I don't care Really at all i don't care also if one more person tells me i need a new mic i'm gonna straight up in my shit because it's not the mic even though i've dropped it on the ground a bunch of times i have a decent mic i don't have the gain set correctly i'm not gonna fix it you have to keep listening. I don't have the gain set correctly. I'm not going to fix it. You have to keep listening to this. I would have fixed it, but now it's too late.

You fucked up. You messed that up for yourself. I don't understand. It sounds like I get some stupid DMs about shit, like fact check stuff. But it seems like you're just inundated constantly with like Mike complaints and like facts. Like people are like, actually, it's not the tilapias. It's like even stuff that I say, like I feel like you get the shit into the sack on it. Yeah.

It's like, I'll get on there after working like 12 hours. And some guy was like, hey, man, you still haven't answered my question from 3 in the morning last night about what kind of USB cord I should get. I'm like, dude, I... Ooh. What? Come on. Ah. I'm like dude I ooh what come on ah and then it's okay

it's gonna be okay everything's gonna be alright now you're in New York I'm just gonna go back to that one now I'm in Fort Worth.

Got a house that doesn't have running water. My dad is coming over late. My house, it has lead pipes. I have to drink through a Brita. Asbestos makes me sick, but it's too expensive. There is a crawl space right under the floorboards

of my closet. I hope no one comes through at night. You only have to move three boards. There have to move three boards. There's only like three boards, and then you could kill me. It doesn't matter how well I lock the doors, or if I even put a chair there, because there's a hole in my house.

And you could come and kill me. I live off victory. Please don't come and kill me. That would make me really sad. Please don't kill my body. Don't come in through my floorboards and fuck me to death. Please don't fuck my ass. That would make me so sad.

Please don't do that to me. And now you're in prison. You really shouldn't have molested me You got what you deserve Now you're lethally injected My dad is really mad And he's embarrassed Cause I was fucked too dead

They couldn't show my body at the funeral Cause they got fucked so hard My legs were broken My face was shaped like a penis Cause they got the dick put in it Yeah, whenever we start to... I think we've cracked the code code whatever we just realize we're having a slow would we just go back to the empire state of mind the that would be a funny time to realize that my dad had been here for like 15 minutes. Standing behind you just like. Yeah.

So you really do have like a, like is it accessible like from outside? From under the house, yeah. Man. My dad was like, hey, I don't know if you want to use your closet yet because if you lift the carpet up and you move those boards it's gonna smell real bad and i was like what he was like yeah you can get get down in there from down in there from get under that get in there okay i need to bring my pc up here i didn't want to just ratchet strap it to the top of my car i didn't have room yeah i uh i was looking at laptops the other day but i just bought a ticket to fucking

i'm so fucking well i already paid for like we're on a bachelor party in september that was already paid for because it was supposed to happen during covid but covid happened so it was canceled anyway i was out like four hundred dollars so i'm looking at flights to fucking cancun because i'm already in the motherfucker like i've already paid for it money can't be returned and we're going into this september this year and flights out of austin to Cancun are like $800. Still? No, well,

the way I got past it is I just flew out and I'm flying out of Houston. I don't know what the fuck it is about flights out of Austin, but it was like $900 something dollars for a round trip. I was like,

fuck this, so I checked Houston and it was like $400. But anyway, that was the money I was getting. Yeah, you think the flights out of Austin are bad,

you should try buying a freaking Topo Chico there. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, you think the flights out of Austin are bad, you should try buying a freaking Topo Chico there. Anyway, I... anyway i yeah so i uh um i don't know if i've been looking at computer screens too much working on like homework and grading and stuff but i have like a headache like exertional like when i laugh or whatever like in the top right of my head and i'm thinking it's like an aneurysm and i'm probably gonna die soon but it's probably just from caffeine and computer screens but you know i have hypochondria so i'm'm like, yeah, I'm fucking probably going to wither away and die. Apart from slinging that throat all around town like a honky-tonk woman.

Slanging that. All right. I would never sling my throat, but if the price was right, we're talking 60 bucks. 12-pack-0 duels? Yeah. Half a pack of Camel Wides. I'm going to town. I remember we would play, like, you know, this is a stupid hypothetical, like how much is a dick or whatever.

And I remember I posed the question of like, you know, it's easy to talk money figures and it's easy to exaggerate. You know, like, 100 million bro is always when it's like, dude, you don't suck 100 million worth of dick. A, B, you would take 100 grand. Easy. You would take way less than that. But I like to pose the following question. Easy. You would take way less than that. But I'd like to pose the following question.

Would you throw neck for free gas for the rest of your life? This includes getting any car. You make it, you get a fucking Raptor, you get the fucking whatever. Free gas. For the rest of your life. What if I drive a diesel?

Free diesel. It's free fuel. I drive a diesel? Free diesel. It's free fuel. I don't care about free gas. I'd do it for free diesel. Okay, free diesel. I'm trying to think what the monetary exchange for that is. No, I said I'll take the deal. No further questions, Your Honor. I will take the fucking hybrid. Sign me the deal. No further questions,

Your Honor. I will take the fucking opportunity. I have... Sign me the paper. I take the... I accept the offer. Isn't there some freakazoid that, like, makes a...

Folks, that's how you do business. I will buy you a fucking... Get in my car right now. I'm headed back to San Marcos. I'm not offering. I'm gonna suck Jake's dick.

For them dollars I would do it for probably a like a Barks root beer big bag of candy big guy comes up to you and is like, yeah, 100 grand like some wealthy fucking white country guy, you know. 100 grand in the suitcase. I just take a big root beer, man.

A what? Yeah, just an ice cold Barks root beer like from the stripes. Like the super carbonated one. You just give me like a big gulp or something or like when I'm 64 ounce guys, we should be fine. I'm offering you like 100 grand. grand no that's cool man save your money dude times are tough just a nice cold barks root beer and a big bag of candy

i will do it for the suitcase you brought with you yeah you could take the cash back out because i'm a hustler first and foremost and i like to grind but that is a nice suitcase i will will take that suitcase, but you can have the hunter racks. I, what about, would you do it for, um, uh, an electrician's,'s journeyman's license

like you could just skip being an apprentice yeah yeah you just skip the three years man that's fucking they make good money yeah dude and this is assuming you like can't get fired yeah okay yeah so so for well you can't get fired for being bad at your job yeah you're you're you're so it's the license and you're like way up in a union yeah you just instantly become john this is his yeah yeah you just hey john how'd you get to be where you're at some guy came up and asked you know golden question golden question you throw that neck i'm gonna you get to be where you're at? Some guy came up and asked, you know? Golden question. Golden question.

You throw that neck, I'm going to get you your license, and you're going to be, like, second to the top in the union. You can't be fucking touched, man. Well, here's the thing. I would still have to work pretty fucking hard. You know, like, it's pretty... Electricians don't have to work. I'm just kidding. It's like being...

It's like an office job you know constantly surrounded by like 200 000 volts of like deadly power yeah it's not that hard it's it's it's it's a it's child's play i don't know uh i think i would like same deal but make it a plumber's light like same deal but plumber i think I would do it. Plumbers don't really have... What? Plumbers have to do some awful stuff. Yeah, but I feel like they don't, like... You gotta...

It depends on whether you do, um... Like, repairs or new construction. I'm saying, like, you know, like, being a contractor for new... I'm not saying, like, fixing septic tanks and shit. I'm saying, like... Well, I mean, you still got a rough pipe in. Like, basically, like a... I mean, I'm not saying like fixing septic tanks and shit. I'm saying like, well, I mean, you say that a rough pipe, basically like,

like a, like a guy, like a licensed pipe fitter, like a welder or something, you know, like guy who works on like spec building schools and shit. I, I,

or like football state. No, I'm not talking about a guy who goes to like rotor root dog shit, like out of a sink drain. Fuck that. That would be two hells. I would not throw neck to root around. Yeah, because you'd have to resist the urge to eat all the poop you found.

Yeah, yeah. You would come home after a big day, and your boss would call you, and he'd say, Jake, where did all the poop go? And you'd pat your big belly you and he'd say, Jake, where did all the poop go? And you'd pat your big belly and he'd say, I don't know. I don't know. I went to dinner.

I don't know. Dinner time, boss. That's how you talk to your boss. I have, these pants I have on right now are killing me. They too tight? Nope. What's wrong with them? How was your weekend?

It's Wednesday. It's already Tuesday. It's Wednesday. Yeah, but that's what I said. It was already Tuesday. My weekend was good you know I

I actually don't remember it but is this weird you recorded this week yeah we did a primo Monday which was two days ago it's funny how time flies.

Wind years. Sometimes I wish I could just stop for one have one second of you know that wouldn't escape me instantly. But no

we are only granted but a moment in this grand scheme of passing and going and all sorts of you know the

the dribble and the drabble and this and that and at the end of the day who cares? But I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner. It's like around dinner time now. You can make yourself a grilled cheese, man. Dude, I will straight up put a spear gun through your skull.

Not even the spear, just the gun itself? I will put the handle through there. And then I will shoot a majestic marlin and say, yeah, I killed it with Jake. Yeah, you know, that would be something

that you could do to me. Kill my body with fire and spears. Do you ever think that the guys who do, like... Like, the guys who are really good at sword fighting, like LARPing... That they, like... You know... How good can you get at LARPing? No, I mean, you can get really fucked...

I've seen some of the videos, man. But I'm saying, like, maybe they're, like, you know, some people have a natural ability to do math. Or, like, people just run really thick. Their bodies are built for it. Guys who are built for swordplay, I feel like they got cheated at. Like, they got a raw deal. Because it's like, that's not, you know, they got plucked from the soul warehouse and thrust into a body that is just so fucking good at nunchucks and swords. But those days have passed.

You can do, like, traditional kind of stuff. But, like, what do you really get from that? Like, those guys could have been hardened warriors. Like Ronan. Or, like, fucking, like. Well, you know. I get what you're saying but you know it's like i had a cousin like that and if you're born to kill you're gonna do it you know yeah yeah i see what you're saying um no yeah it's

it's like and i think this has been commented before, but when you see guys who work at like mattress firm and they're like 6'4", 280, pure muscle. Yeah. It's like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah. Why do you work at Aaron's, man? Yeah. They're like salesmen. Yeah.

They come up to you and they're like, hey, man. It's like, dude, get away from me. Yeah. Go the guard tower or whatever what are you you're the executioner yeah he's hargoth or whatever yeah he's like no my name is jim no dude your name doesn't get to be clark or whatever yeah you're you're like terramoth the Tormentor or something. Yeah, you're supposed to carry around a battle axe with a human skull at the end of it. You're not supposed to have a femur through your nose, dude. That's something I noticed. You have the Best Buy guys who work in the front and they're small, but they put the Swolebacks in the TV area.

I don't know why. Like I'll go to get a USB cable or something, or just something minor, and they have the guys you're talking about back behind the plasmas. Do you guys just keep... In case someone tries to steal or something? Why do you... You got fucking medieval executioners back here doing sales.

Guys who, like, like Ronnie Coleman back there selling fucking LG TVs. Do those guys get commissioned? I have no idea. I mean, I would assume so. Some of those TVs are like $4,000 or $5,000. I don't know something. I would hate to be making like $9 an hour and not getting shit.

Yeah. Like, I'm assuming so, you know? Yeah, I feel like, I feel like you would. But what do I know? I'm just a wandering bard. We should go to medieval times. We keep making plans, man. We still got to ride jet skis.

It's about that time of the year, too. We keep making plans, man. We still got to ride jet skis. It's about that time of the year, too. I need to get one of my sexy little bikinis on. Dude, you show up to my apartment, you're in a two-piece, you're like, let's go. Fuck it, you're fully waxed. the amount of just like I'd have to wear like seven

bikinis to hold my body into one shape not even like the balls but just like the to keep the love handles from hiding the whole thing

but I need to get one of those... Speedos. Yeah. Do they have any that make your penis look medium-sized? They have those, like, chubby swim shorts. Like, they just, like, accentuate the bulge. But I feel like that's just for the balls

whenever I did swim team do you fear I was 10 years old but I had to wear a speedo but I wore one of the like like mid thigh speedos yeah yeah mm-hmm Yeah, yeah. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem. Good God. I had a vagina, basically. I mean, that was a damn little Lincoln log. Lincoln log sitting on a coin purse. Yeah. purse yeah that's i mean that even as a 10 year old who had who had not hit puberty or anything yeah i mean i knew i wasn't supposed to be swinging or anything yeah i was like man i just

i probably got no chances the you know the The swimming coach. Yeah, the 19-year-old girls in the swim team. Yeah, yeah. Who were here running, like doing synchronized swimming. Yeah. They won't suck on my little ass dick. Yeah. That's it. You know, now it's funny because I've gotten so confident.

I'll go to the pool. I'll just show people. Yeah. They'll be like they're like oh man please stop my kids are here look at this look at it

I'm just taking it out taking it out and showing everybody it's like an alligator some kid looks across public pool and I've got it like

the head sitting up like when alligators alligators just have the top of their heads sticking out of the water it's like the two nuts in the big it's floating out of the pool

and then there's a bunch of bubbles like five feet behind that cause I'm drowning yeah have you seen Training Day the movie I see it every day

in my whole life no you haven't alright then never mind I'm not gonna oh yeah it's one of those exclusive Training Day jokes

yeah no I haven't seen it yet so don't spoil it for me okay I won't spoil it for you man I have poison ivy on my here leaning in I don't seen it yet, so don't spoil it for me. Okay, I won't spoil it for you, man. I have poison ivy on my... Here, lean in. I don't want people to... You have poison ivy again? Or still?

I'm whispering so people won't hear. Okay. I have it on my penis. Oh, really? On the upper shaft area. Nice. Does it hurt to jack off? I don't know or care.

Okay. Okay. Well, if it hurts to jack off, I can help you. How would it hurt less with you doing it? Do you have majestically soft palms or something? I do a lot of work behind the computer, so yeah, I think so. My hands are just made out of, like... Velcro, like the rough side of a Velcro.

They're just beat to hell. They're not even that tough. They just hurt all the time. Yeah. That's okay. It happens, man. You know, sometimes... You want to usually get arthritis when you're like 10 years old.

Yeah. You want to have carpal tunnel by the time you're like 11 or 12. Honestly, I had forehead wrinkles when I was like 14. For sure. Like, I was starting to see where they were going to be. But I was like, yeah like yeah well i won't have any of those till i'm probably 40 50 and i was like 18 i was like oh damn well yeah just how it goes yeah that's uh that's not something i worry about because i have good genes and i age

really well despite punishing yeah you have good genes when you can fit them. Yeah, that's really funny because we weigh the same amount. Really? What are you down to? About 192, 193. All right. I'm back up a little bit. I think I'm back across it. The 200 mark?

Yeah, but not by a lot. I'm probably sitting right at 200 again. Yeah. But I have not been lifting at all. Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks, man. I've just been fucking off and getting fatter than fuck. But I need to get back. But since I'm not living at home anymore, the friend I worked out with still lives there.

Did you ever check out that MMA gym that you were telling me about i haven't gone to it yet because this weekend i was super busy okay but i think we'll see about it this weekend yeah i have a i have to move gyms cause I'm moving cities you're moving cities yeah I'm moving to New York hey if you live in New York we should hang out when I move there I'm definitely actually

moving there I thought you were first I was like man you probably I mean it's not that that like, man, you probably... I mean, it's not that big of a deal. You probably should have told me that. That is kind of...

No, I'm... Because then I would have to. Because we live together as brothers. Yeah, as brothers in arms. We should start a motorcycle gang. Yeah, I don't think... I don't think that would be I think you need money

to do that on a motorcycle just to get the motorcycle and then you gotta get the illicit operations going which I've been trying to avoid yeah certainly because you're a wanted criminal

if you're fed listening to this first of all i've impressed because i've not committed a federal crime i think except for one time yeah i'm pretty sure i hit a mailbox and didn't tell anybody but other than that and not paying my taxes this year, I am an innocent man. Honest question and statute of limitations and stuff because I definitely know the law. How many parked cars do you think you've hit in your life? 20. Yeah? Seriously?

Probably around 20. Yeah. There was a time where I was just, like, driving, like, just on pills and just, like, shithouse, and I would just, like, go to park and just... Just fucking gross miscalculation of distance. And just... And I drove a beater,

so I was like, huh. Well, I'm gonna, like, just pull away. And I know this is a really shitty thing to do, but I don't have any money. And, uh... Like, if I hit a BMW, I didn't really feel bad at all. I was like, yeah, you got it, man. Not a big deal.

Um, but, you know, I never got in trouble. Uh, by the way, this is all hypothetical stuff. We're not talking about, like, shit that actually happened. I've never,med into a car and driven off or anything. Tapped them. I've barely tapped, but I've always checked. You know? always like yeah checked you know like

gotten out and been like alright well but my car is like you know it's fine I don't know why I just lied I have only checked a few times I just lied i i have only checked a few times yeah i just like

i'd not really i just it's fine um at the end of the day cars are made to be lightly tapped in fact they were made to be destroyed with little gelatin inside them yeah yeah the cars are made to be just like crashed into each other and like you're supposed to like just just be like a nefarious like piece of shit and like smash your car drunk into people's other people's cars between the years of 2015-2017 i haven't i haven't tapped a car in like probably like three years. I don't drive. I'm a decent driver now. I don't do pills anymore, and I don't really drive drunk anymore.

So I haven't in a long time. There was a fucking, I was batting 1,000 for just smashing into the back of people or to the side of their car trying to park. Just not being. See, me, it wasn't like a substance thing no i'm just really bad i was just really bad at driving like i i would be like spatial reasoning was off i think i'm clear oh well sorry yeah goodbye uh yeah i remember one time i did it in the parking lot pulling Well, sorry. Yeah. Goodbye. Yeah. I remember one time I did it in the parking lot pulling in for a shift,

and I just pulled out of the parking lot at work, and I called my boss, and I was like, I'm calling in. He's like, you're supposed to start like now. I'm like, yeah, I can't. He's like, why? I'm like, don't worry about it. I'm crawling in. You can write me up. You can fire me.

I don't care. I've got to get out of this parking lot because I just smashed. I didn't tell him this, but in my head, I was like, just smash my Crown Victoria and do it. Fucking three. And I don't have the fucking money or I really honestly, I think my car insurance has expired at the time, too. So I was extra fucked.

So I just backed up away. Like, I just grinded the side of his fucking his passenger side door with like the left side of my front side of my car, like the driver's side bumper. And then I just like took off. I called it to work. This was like four or five years ago. Yeah. What was the address?

156. 156. I actually grew up over there. Yeah, you did? Yeah. 156 El 156. I actually grew up over there. Yeah, you did? Yeah. 156 Elwood Street on a beautiful, sunny Indianapolis, because that's where this happened. Yeah.

You know why they call it Indianapolis, right? Because Chinese guys live there? No. It's like the old saying. Oh, okay. Every Indian apple is a gift. Thank you, man, for enlightening me on that piece of trivia, man. I didn't come up with it.

Who invented that? Grable. What's he like? You know, I think I need to be a NASCAR driver. Yeah? Yeah. Just because I hate I need to be a NASCAR driver. Yeah? Yeah. Just because I hate using doors to get in my car. You just like to hop into the window?

Yeah. I've always been kind of a window slider. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's kind of hot. Yeah, window sliding. Thomas. You a window slider. Mad at me. i think i know why

you know i think there's i there's nothing wrong with that window shopping i used to go to the mall just to get just with window shopping yeah i look at pontiac GTOs every week man like every week I'm just having a memory now of when I used to go to the mall in high school and like

and like older black women would like yell at me that I had a nice ass sometimes you know it was one of life's little gifts did you kiss them after and suck on them a little bit Tell me that I had a nice ass. Sometimes. It's one of life's little gifts. Did you kiss him after and suck on him a little bit? No, it was like...

I don't know. So you were denying black queens the power to... I was just being sexually harassed. Wow. You know what? I think you don't understand a little thing called racism and how power dynamics work because that's... mean because i'm racist but in this situation i was in right just matter of fact trust me i know i'm racist

like the way you'd say it at like a job interview i mean like you know like i'm racist so it's like yeah i know i wasn't discriminating against this person because i do it all the time and i wasn't just saying i love just admitting to being like a huge piece of shit like but casually I mean you know like I'm you know like I'm on the sex offender registry like whatever you know like I mean what oh you're gonna yell at me for being a pedophile yeah yeah so like yeah your guy's telling you he just got his, he just got his plumber's license, and you're like, man, you know, like,

everybody's got their achievements in life. You know, like, I'm racist. I'm on the pedophile registry. Like, you know, like, I'm wanted in seven states for distribution of child pornography. But, you know, everybody's got their thing. Yeah, it's true, you are. But congratulations on your thing, man.

No, I'm not, man. I need you to stop saying that. Yeah, well, you just said you were. I i don't know it's kind of weird that you'd say that but um zoom keeps messing up and it makes your voice go fast to catch up with the latency yeah no the thing is sometimes i won't hear you for like two minutes and then i'll just say something and then zoom will be like hey you're saying something well you want to hear what jake said 30 seconds ago does it make it go fast? Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah, I'll hear you. You'll be like, well, actually, you just said it. You just said it just now. So you just said it, and I'm like, for half a second, I'm like, is Thomas having, like, a stroke? You'll be like, yeah, man, I was working. And I'm like, oh, okay. There we go. Now I can hear you.

Man, I know. Nice. Animal crackers. Now you're in for a worth. Animal crack. What was that? What was that? I don't know.

Somebody coming up to the floorboards. I don't know. But, you know, it's not really my problem at the end of the day. Yeah. Yesterday, some of the autos were having,

because this neighborhood, and I don't actually care, but I think I'm the, I've driven around a little bit more i think i'm the only white guy here which is fine it's my little sanctuary you know from the damn caucasity nowadays but um i'm not respected i don't think but it's okay nice but they were having this party uh as you do on taco tuesday or whatever yeah and um and they you know music was pretty loud which is fine i don't really care i'm not that i don't really need that

yeah quiet of a space but i'm used to like dead silence yeah in the country like i'm used to Yeah. Down in the country. Like, I'm used to, like, I can hear coyotes and stuff. Yeah. But there is, the music had, like, a tuba line going. Like, doo, doo, doo, doo. Yeah. But it didn't change for, like, four hours.

And I could not tell whether it was, designed sort of like a you know you're like a metro booming bass line and he like has the same one for some of his songs just like you know yeah if it was that or if i am a targeted individual and they are playing the same song for four hours because i i've had to i've listened to a fair amount of mariachi and Mexican music. A lot of it's pretty good. Like, very tolerable. I really don't mind it most of the time. But this was like a circus song.

It's like, you guys are not having fun listening to this because I've listened to Mexican party music and it sounds cool. You guys are drinking beer and listening to circus music in front of me, 50 feet away from my house. I remember as a kid, my neighbors when I lived in the Southeastern area I remember like as a kid like and then like they would you know

like my neighbors when I lived like in the Southeastern area like would have Mexican neighbors would have these like fucking hundred

hundred twenty people in the backyard massive fucking parties roast a whole ass pig play fucking baquero music for fucking hours and I was like

oh it seems like they're having fun I wonder if somebody's like you know graduated or something or got a new job or like I don't know somebody's like you know it has to be something big got a new job or like, I don't know. Somebody's like, you know, it has to be something big.

And then I got older and started getting invited to these parties. And I realized that Mexican people will have that type of party for like a one-year-old's birthday. Like they will have everybody over in the fucking crew. They will invite the entire fucking world over for like a like a two-year-old's birthday party they'll roast a whole ass pig they'll stay up till six in the fucking morning it's dude it fucking rocks like those are the best fucking parties i've ever been to in my fucking life i i uh i have one neighbor who is the he seems cool but he's the shortest, fattest, most Mexican guy I've seen in my whole life. Yeah.

He is like four foot eight, maybe, and dude, like 350 pounds. That is so cool. He is like- He looks like the Mucinex guy? Dude, he looks like a dodgeball. The man is incredible. Yeah. And he seems like, I don't know he seems cool

but he's we'll wear like basketball shorts and they'll fit like those and one shorts that go down to your like shins yeah yeah but they're like just they're like size medium nike basketball shorts that like or they're just regular basketball shorts they just fit them like well they're definitely not size mediums they fit them in pants yeah he's got like khakis dude it's so perfect you just

every once in a while you see a fat enough guy who can still who can still you know yeah probably makes your whole week. You know what, man? You know what you should do? If you thought that joke was funny and you thought that was a good roast,

you should go on over to patreon.com slash pandejo time and you should sub to the premiums for it. We've been doing this for an hour? Yeah, for really rock and roll episodes. And you can message Thomas how much you love them and how much you want to come under his floorboards and give him a little case, case, case. If you give us 500 bucks in a month,

I will let you scratch my penis. It itches so much. Yeah, due to AIDS. All right, bye, guys.