Pendejo Time - last of us 3

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

the end of the fuckin world is here and daddy needs some roxySupport the Show.

Hey, uh, so I feel like, I think eight months into this we should completely change the schedule because I feel like I just talked to you and I'm getting sick of it. You know, like I feel like we just don't need to talk this much. Maybe Sunday, Friday, or Sunday. You don't like talking to me? No, not really, and I think, you know, as time goes on, it's just going to get worse. Well, like, you know, I've always looked up to you as like a sort of a brother. Racist uncle type. Sort of like a roguish vigilante type. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You know, a bit of a ball buster yeah for sure um sort of a ring bearer type paul bearer yeah we should yeah we should do that. We should just record all the episodes we're ever going to do today. For like the rest of the day. Could just be this one. Yeah, this could be the last. We could call it quits right now. It'd be very funny. The news that you'll all hear, you know,

it'd be very funny if we just stopped doing the show after it. Like just get that advance and then be like, you know, whatever. Just not do the fucking thing at all. Well, that would be silly. Well, guys, what's up? Do you have a good weekend, man? No, I have a bunch of cuts in my mouth, um, from getting elbowed in the mouth. Um, and I, uh, cut my thumb open, making my dog some food.

You know, they have, they have that in bags you can buy. What? It's called dog food. No, no, no way. I've never heard of that. Yeah. Do you eat it? Do you cut your dog food into smaller pieces of kibble?

No, we get her like a... Because you can just buy cat food and it's already that size. If your dog's some kind of pussy or whatever. Can't even eat normal food. Shut the fuck up. What, you got your dog on some fucking Nutrisystem diet? My dog eats better than you do, dude. You understand me?

It does. There's no doubt in my mind that you're that that is when you get a dog or is this a secret dog you've kept it's it's uh ashley's dog but i've so why are you calling your dog we've been together like two years we live together like it's it's our dog you've been with the dog for two years? I think the dog, you just hang out and the dog's there. Yeah, I've been with my couch for six months. We're pretty close. Couch is an inanimate object, man.

Yeah. Dog is dog. Dog good. What all has the dog said to you? What's good, playboy. Nice is dog. Dog good. What all has the dog said to you? What's good? Playboy. Nice to play. Anyway.

Dude, speaking of dogs, I want to become a mailman. I think that could be my calling. Dude, there's like a union job. That's pretty. I want to be one of the mailmen in like neighborhoods that just have the hats and they just walk around. Yeah, I think those are like the... They have a hierarchy, like the military, and that's like the big... Like they've been doing it like 20 years?

Yeah, yeah, they get the... I figured, but still, you know. Those guys, I've never seen one of those guys in a rush. No. They'll stop and watch a rainbow for 20 minutes, and then you see a regular mailman who's in the truck, and he's doing 120 down Main Street, just throwing letters,

and he's made them into paper airplanes so they go faster and all that. I remember as a kid, like a really young kid, I thought that being a garbage guy would be sick because I thought the idea of hanging off the back of a moving truck was like – like I just associated it with action movies, like Jackie Chan movies. Dude, I still think that. It still seems cool. Yeah, you're right.

And when you're a kid, like at least for me, like that was the obligatory, like you're going to and when you're a kid like at least for me like that was the obligatory like you're gonna grow up to be a ditch digger you don't do your homework or a garbage man and then like i went to college like an idiot and then i worked construction and dude garbage men and ditch diggers make guys who do like civil work come on dude yeah i mean even if you make like let's say you make 12 to 14 an hour starting out as a garbage guy you're getting like full benefits like it's not a bad gig but the thing is like to work your way up it feels like you have to just do it for so long yeah i mean you can become, like, a driver.

And that seems like a decent gig. I feel like I would rather be the guy in the back of the truck. But, I mean, I'm saying that as somebody. But, I mean, you don't start as a driver. No, no. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. But I still think, like, whenever I see them drive, like, early in the morning and take the trash out.

And I see, like like those guys just hanging out the back on the handle just like they give you the big homie nod they give you like a i'm like dude that guy is so fucking cool like that's the coolest fuck and i'm 27 years old i'm like dude i i need to reevaluate like what i find to be cool but again like i think that's a universal thing i've had similar conversations i'm like man when you're a kid did you think the garbage guy and like before i can finish the sentence my friend's like yeah he's the coolest motherfucker on the block he gives you a big homie nod maybe you throw him a capri sun and he just keep he just keeps on trucking he's like everybody's big brother and i'm like dude yeah like i died i feel the exact same way let's just quit the show yeah we should let's be garbage men i always used to feel that

way about people who worked at funeral homes i'm like man he gets to put makeup on dead people all day and people don't even think it's weird but like if i did it you know even once like as a joke yeah you know for a long time no like people would make fun of me oh yeah that too i suppose you wouldn't go to jail just for putting makeup on a corpse how did you get the corpse is like the most important part of that scenario maybe it's your friend how did you get your friend's corpse did you you didn't have to you're just dead if your friend dies inexplicably next to you and you don't call oh now that's on you and you start putting makeup on what are the police gonna do the police can't do makeup at all yeah 9-1-1 we need a makeup artist over here no

they don't know their shit yeah you're right i guess somebody's got to put makeup on your friend are you gonna do it probably i mean i guess so this is like that one vince staples song how does that go uh i think it was blue suede you know you got you got a store robbery there's three guys in there one has to die, and the other two can come with you. Right, right. The one who has to die is a... In this scenario, he's a dead friend. But you don't have to kill him. He's dead.

You went to sleep, you know. You were just watching Pineapple Express or whatever. You wake up. Old Johnny Boy's dead. All right? So this is like street language, you know? Right. Somebody's got to put makeup on the homie.

You know? Yeah. Okay. I want to... Everybody's like, oh, how do you... Like people who are proctologists or whatever, how do you get into that line of work? Like, that's like the hacky joke. But I, I do want to know if people who get into like mortician stuff, like, is that a family thing or is it? Dude, I remember at my college orientation, there was this girl there who was like, yeah, I want to be like a coroner.

And I was like, Oh, okay. You know, like that's a pretty important job. Yeah. What? Yeah. Kind of brave, you know?

And she was like, yeah, it's like, cause I want to be a doctor, but I don't want to met like, if I mess up, I don't want it to be a big deal. You know?

And I was like, well, that like, dude, I respect having like that, like that lack of self-confidence like also like i that was literally her reason for choosing the major if you say that like yeah or like that's an added bonus but if you're like no i really wanted to do like be a doctor like a family

doctor but i just wish they were already dead. You know? Yeah. What the fuck is that? Don't you have to go to medical school to be a coroner? I would imagine. I think... You still need, like, a medical examiner? Yeah, like, yeah. It's not like you just get a bachelor's degree and then you...

Yeah. I mean, that has to be the case. Right? I mean... I don don't know maybe they let the shitty doctors be i don't know that doesn't make sense so like you still need to be you still need to have full understanding of i mean you don't need to i feel like you'd need a medical degree yeah i mean i don't know that makes sense somebody pull it up yeah somebody interns would you like a here's a question was she like a goth type bitch no uh just sort of like she just looked like she read books or something

like not not a really weird looking girl just like maybe slightly socially awkward not like you know not somebody where you're like oh that person wants to be a coroner yeah because i feel like that's a specific guy who i probably haven't met yet oh yeah just because you know being a member of law enforcement i do talk to a lot of coroners but yeah that's right you're a cop right yeah i'm a detective like sherlock holmes oh okay yeah i thought you were more like we're sort of like stars starsky and hutch a little bit who's who's hutch you're the dog whichever one that was no okay i don't know why the dog would be named starsky that's no starskyky and Hutch is two guys. Who's the dog then?

There's no dog. No, there's one old crime show where it's a guy and his dog. Wallace and Gromit? I don't fucking know. That's the claim. Why would it be Wallace and Gromit? I'm talking like, why the fuck would it be Wallace and Gromit? I'm talking like... Why the fuck would it be Wallace and Gromit? Alright, so I got two things to look up. First off, I have to prove it's not Wallace and Gromit.

Man-dog... Crime show. Man-dog? I said crume show. Crime... Cream show. Oh, you're gonna get a good one. You better be careful, brother. Man-dog cream show? Is show. Crime. Cream show. Oh, you're going to get a good one. You better be careful, brother. Man-dog cream show? Is that what you're looking at, bud?

There's no... I didn't make this up. You definitely, I think, did. Why did I think that... Hudson and Rex? That doesn't sound familiar. You know what? It's not that big of a deal.

It's not important. Not important at all. But just know that I was right about it. That's an important thing to remember is I was correct. Well, it wasn't Bones either, if you're wondering. Fuck, it'll come to me later, dude. Yeah, yeah, it's not important, man. It's not important at all.

Everyone's yelling at me today, have you noticed? Yeah, I'm gonna keep yelling at you, man, if you don't fucking get it together. I'm tired of carrying this show, dude. I'm tired of carrying this load. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How about that? How about that, motherfucker?

Do you need a medical degree? The first result was, do you need a medical degree to start a dispensary? I guess my concern is, like, I understand if you go into the medical field and you find that that's your niche but i don't trust anyone that's like 17 or 18 and they're like i want to be a coroner i want to be like a medical examiner because that person probably has like it depends on the state apparently oh really yeah like could you or me be medical examiners, I guess, is, like, my question.

Well, the minimum, it says, is a bachelor's degree in some type of medicine by default for, like, anywhere. I have a master's in philosophy. I can make it work. Yeah. Being a mortician, though, like, that is not a, like, you're not. I have half an associate's degree in street knowledge, so. Being a medical examiner and a coroner, I'm not sure if that's the exact same thing. No, but I'm saying being a mortician, I don't think that requires a medical degree.

Like the person who embalms bodies and puts makeup on people and dresses them up or whatever. No, putting the makeup on doesn't require it. I mean like the guy. You determine cause of death. Yeah. I think you need one for that. So a coroner, is that the guy who does the makeup and stuff? No, that's a mortician.

I think coroner and medical. I haven't died before, so I don't know. Yeah, me neither. I guess we'll learn when we get there. Let's get P88 on the whole. I guess that's one of those things you just. You'll figure it out. There's a good chance you'll just never know about it. Because usually it's like, oh, I'm getting a divorce.

I'm going to learn more about lawyers or whatever. Oh, I'm dead. Yeah. Well, I'd better learn more. I guess I don't have to worry about it. Yeah, that's got to be... I don't understand. I mean, maybe it pays good, but like...

Being the guy who does the makeup and stuff? Yeah, like a mortician. Almost certainly not. You don't think so? I mean, dude, funeral homes are fucking rackets, dude. Dying is so goddamn expensive. Like, if you want a funeral, that's like thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. Yeah.

I mean, if you're like an old lady who's gone to the same church her whole life, you're going to get a way better deal on your funeral. Sure, yeah. But I'm not like a well-liked. Like, if I were to die now, sheesh, I'm fucked. Sheesh. Sheesh. Sheesh.

Jake's fucked. Yeah, I'm fucked. Well, I don't know. I mean, you don't have to worry about it yeah that's that's a good point because you're dead dude you know how you know how like stressed you got to be financially to be like fuck dude when i die bro fuck oh fuck how am i gonna make that happen yeah the main thing i would worry about if i found out you know i had like like oh you have like an hour to live I'd be like

fuck I gotta clean my car out I would spend the whole time I'm gonna disinfect my let's see I'm gonna do the I'm gonna do the baseboards get those cleaned cause I don't know if it's been a while on those

I check at the end of all the cleaning i have like three minutes to live i'm like i'll just drink like half a diet coke call it if someone told me that i had like a debt like more than an hour like a day i don't know this is a really stupid hypothetical but it's like if someone's like hey man uh you have the most aggressive fucked up cancer it's's giving you exactly 24 hours, not a week, not six weeks. And also you'll feel no pain until the very end. Then you'll be up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to be here at full strength, full speed. I feel like I'm just going to start KOing people. Like that, like it's because the lottery thing we've ran through and I've ran through with multiple people. Like the lottery thing is like there's a bunch of different ways that could go. But like you've got 24 hours to live, bro. You're going to live it up? You're going to jump off a building?

It's like no. I'm just going to go out and I'm going to go like Grand Theft Auto but no weapons mode where I'm just like jogging behind people. I like to go to Brist Base and then just gang. Like just see if i can one punch ko like every different type of person like big fat guy little old lady like jacked guy like just see what kind of punch you have 24 hours to live and you're gonna knock out an old lady yeah yeah yeah i mean why not what's gonna you're gonna be like like anakin skywalker you're just like all right 24 hours you just go to a daycare and start laying people out yeah yeah well it's like it

sounds stupid because it very much is but it's like if i can get away with it for a day like it would suck to immediately get caught and then you're like well you're just in jail until you die like you're just handcuffed to a bench where they process you i guess it wouldn't matter gonna be fucking dead but i like the idea of just being told like the clock's ticking uh and then i just like i go out and i just full sprint as fast as i would probably just see if i could get some oxycon or something yeah no that's a part of it i mean like like i'd be like yeah i should just like try morphine. Nobody. I would just go around.

Yeah, that's a good one. Go around to the CVS and see if they have any of the jacked pharmacy techs and avoid those. Because sometimes those dudes back there are, like, the Best Buy guys, like the nice TV Best Buy guys. They're just, like, yoked, the yoked pharmacists. Just see one that's got, like, an old, decrepit, like, withered lady back there and a couple college kids.

Hop over the thing and just start throwing right hands. Gink, gank drop and then the good stuff in the safe don't they oh that's a good question i think yeah you're probably right because uh i remember like whenever you've robbed one before right hmm what yeah i've robbed a lot no whenever like uh it seemed like you could pretty much just like rob everywhere for a while and like maybe get away with it last year yeah where like possibilities are really opening up for a while some people tried to like rob a cvs or walgreens or whatever but they did it really sloppily because they were like oh they're like police are overrun right now or whatever but they they like broke into a safe or something and then left fingerprints everywhere that's awesome and cvs was like yeah i mean if you'd like stolen money from like like if you

just taken like milk or something or whatever like you would have gotten away with that but you committed like a federal crime so right they're gonna pretty easily track you down on that one yeah you're fucked that's why i stopped doing it yeah i mean like i don't know i uh 24 hours i mean the painkiller thing the drugs thing, like that was always my fantasy for like end of world scenario. Like if you're like, maybe there's 5,000 motherfuckers left and you're one of them, like on the whole planet. Like, I'm going to go to the Ferrari dealership.

I'm going to get in one of those things. Like, I'm just going to go nuts. Like, I don't understand. if they had like a listen i know a lot of video game developers are listening to this if you want to make a realistic like zombie or like you know the last of us but it's not sad and like gay or whatever you want to make like a realistic end of world zombie video game you need to make it to where a guy that looks exactly like me finds out about the zombie apocalypse and then just goes to Walgreens and the pharmacy and gets all the pills

and then goes and gets all the Mountain Dew from Walmart and then goes and gets all the rain, all the bang. Just kind of goes through every shitty house in the neighborhood. Just stealing worthless currency that no one cares about anymore. I'm trying to get all. I'm going through all all the bandos and stuff all the like i'm just looking at any shitty house i'm getting all the drugs all the ak's all the pistols and whatever from all the nice cars and i like how both of us were like i could be like gucci main for like an hour yeah and you know gucci man gucci man that whole time was like he was like man i should just like

get my teeth fixed and then like just go to milan yeah and just act like a rich white lady yeah yeah guy lose 55 pounds and just go to the cans film festival he was living like the best life ever and then he was like man i should get sober and just, like, drink mimosas. Yeah. And, like, get my toes done. Yeah. And buy 25 matching Bentleys, you know. I'm over here, like, yeah, end of world.

I'm just going to become, like, a mid-level trap star. I really want a chain that normally would cost $800, but I'm going to get it for $50. That's my, like, best case scenario my whole life. You're like, I'm going to track down an old Monte Carlo that doesn't work, and I'm going to somehow fix it. Even though I don't know how to do that. I only know how to, like, range. Because you're like, I only look at the broken down ones on Craigslist, so I don't know where to find the good ones. Yeah.

I think about movies like The Road, very dramatic retellings. There hasn't been a realistic video game or movie that I can think of that would pander to guys like me and you where it's like end of the world scenario it's not it's bleak in so far as the world's over but it's like i guess just people who are resilient but in a really retarded way so it's like um you're like yeah i mean i'm not gonna kill myself because that's stupid i would probably mine would be like the part of red dead where you just like eat beans and ride around and you don't know what you're doing that would be that's been like most of my life but with like a shitty toyota also yeah you know i'm like i think i'm just gonna eat this like kind of gross food i found and then like walk around i think i would end up doing that as a part of as a member of like a fully functioning society you're like

like it's not in the world if shit falls apart like yeah i'm just gonna keep doing that and probably survive accidentally uh that or i'm just gonna get domed by some like marauder lost cajun or whatever it'd be very funny if like uh like you know the world population drops to like 2009 one of them and but another one would be so pissed another one of those people is a guy who i know personally and he sees me like nodding the fuck off like on a bridge like overlooking he's like hey man did you relapse did you you on pills again man i can't i don't know if i can handle that i'd be like you're like i'm free i could be whoever i want to be i could be yeah i think the you know

the most stressful part of everyone dying would be like you know not being able to do getting getting more followers and stuff it's like you know now a lot of that it's kind of a dead account now and i've got can you imagine like some like vlogger survives or whatever and she's like oh dude so this week um here's our top 10 survival tips um i know last week we had 200 000 new subscribers and this week with the whole apocalypse i get it okay i get it but we only had 15 new subscribers and i'm like i i know times are hard but like try and hit the subscribe yeah you need to make sure and and if you haven't subscribed to the Patreon, look, I know everyone's, like, killing their dog and, like, killing their kids and stuff. But I was – I'm not counting.

I'm not a penny pincher. I was at $800, and now for some reason I'm at $210. So, dude, imagine being the kind of guy who subscribes to like a hot tub Twitch streamer, Belle Delphine type, like in the middle of the end of the world is like, well, I got to get my priorities in order. Like I got to keep, you know, there's certain things like I won't let go of just to be a part of civilized society. Like I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to get rid of the beans.

I'm not going to get rid of the Corolla. I'm not going to stop giving $1,200 a month to British 19-year-old girls who play, you know, play fucking Red Dead 2 in their underwear or whatever. You know, we built a society, and they can't take everything from us. Right. They're like that. I'm still an American. I still love hot dogs and my family and a bell of danger.

And I love the band Chicago. I love the city Chicago. Rest in peace. Rest in peace to it. You know, some of the people in Chicago, Hyde Park area, great people. Mm-hmm. Some of the people in Chicago, Hyde Park area, great people. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think it would be – it would be – Chirac, great area. Yeah, I don't – that's what I think. You know what? If this takes off, I'm going to learn how to make a video game, and I'm going to make the best – You're not going to learn how to make a video game. I will. going to make the best – You're not going to learn how to make a video game. I will. I don't know how a computer works.

I don't know how to – I don't think you're, like, not smart enough. I think you just – you're not going to do that. It's like me being like, yeah, dude, I've been thinking about, like, starting a band. And, you know, you're like, oh, what instruments? I'm like, dude, shut up. You, like, hate my dreams. You hate my ambitions.

You know? Yeah. No, I have been practicing guitar but you know like yeah i could anytime i want to i just like don't because i don't like music i guess they could just do like a just make like a gta mod where it's like yeah it's the end of the world. And you can choose to be, like, the road Cormac McCarthy guy who, like, has a shopping cart and tells his son about the old days and they cry together. Or you could go, you could play on hard mode where you're fucked up on Percocet the entire game. Like, you can't load a gun. Like, you can't, like, you can't, like, the easy mode is, like, sober. You quit all your stuff.

Like, you know, you can, like, You have all your agility, all your shit. Everything's there. Expert mode is you are blackout drunken on Percocet the entire game. When you go to sleep, you fall asleep. Everything's blurry and dizzy, and you're throwing up. You wake up. You have two health left, and you have to drink more or you're going to die. You have to find more pills.

and you have to drink more or you're going to die. You have to find more pills. Like, you crashed the... You wrecked a Ferrari into a bunch of dead bodies, so you've got to find a new one. Like, stat, because you can't drive anything else. It's not an option. None of the cars were unlocked. It has to be a fucking supercar.

And then, like, the game itself... Easy mode is long. We're talking 65 hours of gameplay. The expert mode, where you're fucked up and you drive the Ferrari, it's two hours of gameplay, but it's the hardest game you've ever played in your fucking life. And it's kind of like the dark souls game where if you die, you just,

you lose everything. Like if you fucking, if you withdraw so bad on booze that you die, you fucking start back at the beginning. If you go to get some pills and you get eaten by like cannibal rapists or whatever, fucking back to the beginning. But look, man, some pills and you get eaten by cannibal rapists or whatever, fucking back at the beginning. But look, man, I know that you think I can't do this,

but I think if I were to pitch this to Activision or whoever the fuck made Assassin's Creed, Rockstar, they didn't make Assassin's Creed. Yeah. I was like, this is GTA, I think. Ubisoft or whatever. I think if I was... I'll tell you what I could go for.

Some damn Boobasoft yeah and you know how you can pay for boobasoft that was the worst lead i've ever seen you know what you can do if you have uh hold on if you have like... You know what a great place to keep your money is that you use on Percocet? The Ridge Wallet. The Ridge Wallet. That's right, folks. Anyway. Anyway.

If you've got cash and cards, which I'm sure many of you do, and they're all maxed out, but you need a place to keep them anyway, like me. I have many maxed out credit cards that I won't throw away. Or if you're like me and you've got a lot of cash. Yeah, you've got a lot of cash. You're going to want to go. You're going to want to check out Ridge Wallet. Ridge Wallet is a, let's see here.

We've got to pull the copy up because I'm fucking genius. You don't have to say that you're pulling the copy up. Yeah. Here, let me tell you about it. Yeah, you tell me about the Ridge Wallet, man. So one thing that I like about it is it's got a – you can put either a cash strap or a money clip on it depending on your needs. Like for me, I'm more of a cash guy you know me jake i like

cash yeah it's got a nice strap green bags you could switch them out if you want pretty convenient and it holds up to 12 cards plus your cash so if you're a guy who just has 12 cards and you've got cheddar cheese which i'm sure many people who listen to this show carry lots and lots of cash and lots of cards that aren't. You're going to love the fucking Ridge wallet. There are over 30 colors to choose from. Carbon fiber, burnt titanium is sick. I got the damn the tropical one.

It looks like a Hawaiian shirt. It's like the Uncle Tito shirt from Rocket Power. They come with a lifetime warranty. And it's got RFID blocking technology that protects you from digital pickpocketers. Because if there's one thing you need to be afraid of nowadays, everything going on, you know, it's RFIDs. Digital pickpocketers. That actually did happen to me one time.

That sucked. Did it? It was like, you know, a gas station. Let's table that. Anyway. Yeah, we'll get back to that. They're doing a really cool Jeep giveaway right now. With every dollar spent on the website before September 18th,

you're going to be entered into a damn lottery to get an off-road optimized 2020 Jeep Gladiator. Or 50 grand cash that you could put in the wallet. You can't, I don't think you can put that much cash in the wallet. But you can get, if you've got 50 grand you can spend like 2 grand on wallets.

And maybe that, I don't you know, maybe that'll cover it. Yeah. Not fitting the rest of the money in there. Anyway, the Jeep Gladiator it. Yeah. Not fitting the rest of the money in there. Anyway, the Jeep Gladiator, it's like a truck. It's got a pin in the back. Yeah. Pretty cool.

We saw a video of it driving in the desert, and I was like, fuck, that thing's sick. You're going to want to head over to Ridge.com and use our unique code, PENDEJO. That's P-E-N-D-E-J-O, Pendejo, to get 10% off anything in the whole store. The whole motherfucker. And that includes a chance of winning the Jeep. Yeah, you get 10% off and a chance of winning the Jeep. Isn't that something? That is the sickest thing in the world to me.

So if you have a leather wallet, I have a wallet. My dad's given me two gifts in my life. One of them was a predisposition for melanoma, and the other one was a Steve Harvey wallet he got at the Dollar Tree. I threw my old wallet. It says Steve Harvey on it in silver lettering. That rocks. Well, actually, it doesn't.

It doesn't. It sounds like a bad wallet that I wouldn't use. It's a shitty wallet. So you're going to want to take your fucking big wallet out because big wallets are bulky. Ridge wallet, slim line. This is a slim world we're living in. Micro, but big cash, big cheddar cheese. Listen, folks, my old wallet, let me tell you, if there's one word I'd use to describe it, it's bulky.

And I hate that shit had you know i'll tell you how much i like the ridge wallet all right it's slim it's slender right it's a skinny wallet my old wallet had a big picture my son it was framed i couldn't take that shit anywhere with with the ridge wallet you're bypassing all that bullshit. You don't have to look at anything except your own fucking money and your own credit cards. You can pull off in your Jeep Gladiator, leave your dipshit son behind. Anyway, one more time on the code. That's going to be ridge.com slash pandejo. They sent us a bunch of fucking gear.

I'm super hyped on that shit. Yeah, Dick's super hyped. I'm super hyped. We're super hyped. I'm super hyped. Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!

And by the way, the last day for the drawing on the Gladiator is September 18th. Right, so get your fucking shit in while you can or track back you got it blast having a blast on ridge.com slash pendejo thank you very much brought to you by the ridge wallet thank you uh all right uh So what were you saying about getting your shit snagged at the gas station? I don't know if it was because my – like I got hacked on pretty much everything last year, which is fine. You know, it happens because I was using the same password for too many things. Right.

And then I think I answered an email that I shouldn't have. Okay. No, I understand. That sounded really sketchy, but it was one of those weeks. No, I know what you're saying. It looks legit, and then you click it, and it's like, ha-ha. I got you, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, my Steam account gets accessed like 14 times a day by some kid in Indonesia. And, you know, they don't have that much over there except for like volcanoes and like rich brian or whatever so i don't really care that much right uh so i just let them they don't spend money on it they just look at games i think but uh right but yeah that either happened there at this one gas station where you know where like people break in to those yeah not to gas stations they do that too but they you know like it has like the little skimmer you're talking about the skimmer yeah yeah i think i think one of those they might have got me on one of those there was a a bar in houston that i went to that uh like i walk up to the i

go to the up to the thing and the owner was like without the owner just the bartender was like uh hey man if you could pay in cash, that would be cool because people keep getting their money stolen from here. And I was like, what? He was like, yeah, we've got like – there's a skimmer in one of these things, and we can't figure out who it is. Like we don't know if it's an employee or not. And I was like, what do you mean you don't like obviously as an employee like I think he was just overwhelmed or whatever because like he was telling people like I had heard a couple people at the bar like or my friends were there like yeah it's just cash they're not accepting card

right now because they're having like security issues uh and then like I don't know several months later I went back there and that was no longer a problem and I got like a hundred dollars taken out of my account so I guess they just never fixed it. But it's funny to me to be like, hey, man, somebody here is stealing right now, like right when you're in here. As you're walking around this bar, there's a thief. We don't know who it is. He definitely works here, though.

It's like one of the bartenders or barbacks just has like a French art thief outfit on. We can't figure out, and he has like a french art thief outfit on yeah we can't figure out and he has like a bag and you don't he's got the money sign on it it's like virtual money just keeps like filling it up yeah yeah i don't like i i don't know man i just love that kind of like hey i'm not gonna like uh try to solve this problem uh i know it's my business um but that seems like it'd be really hard for me to do so do you have cash do you have green money that we you could buy this alcohol with i'm not going to fix this problem so oh yeah oh yeah hey uh i'll be... Man, I'll be in that thing stankin'. What do you mean?

I'll be in there stankin'. I'll be makin' a mess. I'll be causin'... I'll be accumulatin'... Congregatin' in that pussy. Oh, so you are talking about fucking. I didn't know what in there meant. I'll be in there.

Stanking. I'll be in there stanking. Where are you staying at? In it? Yeah, I'm in it. I'm in it. Yeah, I've been staying in it yeah i'm i'm in it i'm in it yeah i've been staying in it i was reading uh about how um like a lot of people are taking that uh medicine for animals or whatever that like for covet or something yeah it's called the damn vaccine yeah yeah that for for sheep if you ask me that's it and oh yeah the ivory uh whatever whatever yeah ivermectin whatever and uh i was reading this

like thread on twitter that this uh doctor was like talking about like reading just reports of people that are like because it's a dewormer and they were like oh yeah i'm like because a lot of people like pinworms and hookworms are really common in the states like a lot of people don't think like like parasites are like a big issue here a lot of people fucking have them they're fine they're not they're mostly harmless but whatever and it was like anyway this this doctor person was like uh you might have worms or you might like it sloughs off like your intestines. Like you might just be losing intestinal lining. And I was thinking like the people who take this stuff, like the funny thing to me is, is that they're now copping to it being real. Like the virus, like by taking it, by taking something that you think would like stop it

you're like admitting that it's real and i'm assuming that at least some of the people who were taking this stuff at one point didn't believe that it was real so that part of it that little thing the second part of taking it as treatment or as a preventative measure uh i think like i think both and i know that doesn't make any sense but like you know like uh it's not i mean it doesn't need to be a logical thing for people to be doing it no no necessarily somebody posted a a screenshot like i forget who it is but she goes on to it like these she like infiltrates these ivermectin groups and people give their, their like feedback on it. I'm sure some of it's fake, but one guy was like, uh, yeah, uh, it worked. I have bacterial pneumonia. Um, I'm good though. Don't contact me.

It's like bacterial pneumonia is like what you get when the doctor basically tells you, like, if you get COVID and then you get pneumonia, it's like, well, we kind of don't have any, like, room in here to, like, properly take care of you. So you can just, like, go hang out in the waiting room until, like, until it, like, stops. No one's ever died from pneumonia, though, thankfully. Right, yeah. Yeah, thankfully no one's ever died of pneumonia, though, thankfully. Right, yeah. Yeah, thankfully no one's ever died of pneumonia. That's a good point. But it's, like, it's, there's something very, like, I guess, I don't know,

funny to me to be, like, a person who has skepticism about, like, what they believe to be, like, an operation, some sort of, like, mass culling of the human population and their answer to that and i've like there are people that are like oh there's studies that show that it helps with whatever even if that's the case even if it like does help i'm not i don't think it does but whatever let's assume that it does to like go to the feed store and be like hey uh do you have like a bunch of uh horse dewormer and the guy's like, hey, do you have like a bunch of horse dewormer? And the guy's like, oh, hey, old Steve got a worm problem.

And you're like, oh, no, no, I don't own horses. I'm from Chicago. I came over here to the Upper Peninsula to the big feed store to get, I don't know, a gallon, two gallons of of what's it called babe iver anyway do you have like bulk horse dewormer i need to cleanse my children i need to cleanse my i need to i didn't think about the fact that people were probably giving it to their kids yeah no like it's yeah like they're like because the whole it doesn't infect kids thing is, like, out the fucking window, obviously. So it's, like, and I'm, there, maybe someone's listening to this and they're mad because I'm getting something wrong.

Hey, man, I don't care, like, at all. Yeah, how about this? Fuck off. Yeah, but. It's Dr. Thomas and Dr. Jake over here. Yeah. And we're telling you, this is a bunch of bullshit for the most part.

Right, we're lying to you. We're lying. We're liars. It's what we do. Yeah, we're podcasters. Yeah. It's the most noble calling, you know. Yeah.

The world's oldest profession, as they say. Lying. Mm-hmm. Who did Jesus kick out of his church for lying so much? Were you saying it's Thomas or something? No, never mind, man. It's not important.

It's the money changers, I think, right? They were doing usury. No, it wasn't for lying. It was for... Changers, I think, right? They were doing usury? No, it wasn't for lying. It was for... Usury, yeah. Yeah, it was in the House of the Lord. Never mind, man. It was a stupid joke.

He started flipping tables. No, I get it, but I... At first I thought you were making a joke about the Apostle Thomas, and it was like, no, in the end he was all good. He walked to India and started a church there. Right. Do you think, so, like, obviously the depiction of Christ that everyone knows is, like, an Italian guy that was, like, a model for painting. Apparently Michelangelo painted.

Anyway, the real Jesus was probably like five foot even. Do you think that like somebody in there, like if you're at the church, like if you're a big money guy and you've got cheese and you kind of like know the king or whatever, and some loud mouth like five foot guy walks into the place where you're like counting your stacks. This is five feet tall? I thought he was like short but like no the the i think it was i i forget what it was like national

street graphic or bbc or something but they did like a like a deep dive into like the average height like the average build of like somebody who lived in that area two to twenty two thousand to two thousand thirty fifty years ago and it was like he wasn't like, they weren't like big jacked people. They were like short, like malnourished people. Like he was like, if he was a carpenter, he had a good job. It was likely that he was like a middle-class guy, but because it was a sought after position at the time, but he was not like a long haired, like, you know, chiseled dude. He had long hair, didn't he?

Oh, I don't know. I don't remember that part of it. I think it says in the No, he had long hair, didn't he? I don't know. I don't remember that part of it. I think it says in the Bible he had long hair and beard. That wasn't something they were like, oh, we got to make him more Italian. Long hair. Yeah, make him white. It would be funny if it was like a modern Italian thing.

It was like, yeah, he had black greased hair and a wife beater. And he was an alcoholic also no like if you're like changing money and some guy walks in he's like five foot and he's like hey cut it out my dad works here you probably whooped that guy's ass i don't know if like if christ was imbued with the same power as the angel or possibly God that wrestled with Jacob or whatever. But, I mean, maybe he was. He's the son of God. You think he probably has powers.

I mean, he did. I guess he could do cool shit. But would it be right for him to use them in a fist fight? Because it says that he just flipped the tables over and shit. Well, it was the power of God acting through him. Oh, yeah. Righteous anger. Yeah, yeah.

What, are you stupid or something? Did you not pay attention to some of those? Are you questioning the sanctity of his actions? No, it was righteous indignation because it was in the house of the Lord. Right, yeah. Do you understand this? This is like, you know, it's like if you have a house party right and you're like oh i gotta run to the store we forgot to get onions

if you guys could do anything but like piss on my couch that would be sick yeah and you like come back and people are pissing on your couch it's like come on man i asked you one thing i asked for one thing uh right honestly it would be like if if they were like they were having like chicken fights in like your grandmother's house you know so come on man don't be having chicken fights here this is this is whack shit playing like an ave bible yeah and jesus And the Lord spoke and he said, Man, get your ass away from that idol. The hell you doing?

Fuck you doing building shit in your own image. L-O-Y, L-O-Y, fuck. And on the seventh day, a player took a nap. Not only is it Abe, but it's like Speakerbox, The Love Below, like early 2000s Atlanta.

A player's gotta... A player's gotta rest. Yeah, a player's gotta get his fucking Z's in. That can't be good. That wouldn't be good to sell. No, that would be bad. We don't support stuff like that.

No, we don't support stuff like that. But I'll tell you what company does. I'm just kidding. Tell you what, no, that would be a... Okay, never mind. It's all in my head. I think about it over and over again. I can't keep picturing you with him.

And it hurts so bad. Yeah, it's all in my head. That song was super sick, man. Do you... Never mind. I used to always do all my benchmarks to that song. That's very, very funny to me.

Really? Yeah, it was just, I mean, it was funny to me. Oh, okay. I thought you were, like, gonna spin it, or, like, you were gonna be like, yeah, man, it's just, like, the emotions of the song. No, it would, like, I would be, like, like, before, you know know you harness your adrenaline or whatever

yeah i don't like to burn out too quick with that because i can so like yeah i'll be like just chilling out you know chuckling a little bit and then i'll get to it um yeah you got your times where you need five finger death punch or whatever or you know acdc all the new stuff kids listen to. Dude, we should start an, I was about to say AT&T, an ACDC cover band. That would be pretty cool. It's just me and you. Yeah, just, yeah. Which one of us would be Bon Scott?

I guess you. Yeah, I guess, yeah. You do that and drums because I don't know how to play drums. And then you also do guitar and bass. What do you do? Are there any bongos? There could be. We could do a reggae. Well, I don't know how to play bongos.

We could do a reggae ACDC. I can't have bongos. You would have to play those. Horn section. Yeah. Actually, no. I could find my old violin. Did you play violin?

Yeah. That's pretty sick. I played saxophone. I was a kid. That's pretty sick. I played saxophone. I played in an orchestra as a kid. I remember the music teacher there who was like,

and this was never confirmed at the junior high or the high school, but he was a fucking weirdo, man. Is that why you're in a band today? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Coping with trauma. He would take a weird vested interest in certain kids, and he would be like, you're throwing your life away, man. You could be a great saxophone player.

It's like, dude, we don't live in a time where that is a viable. He's like the Barry Gordy of Pasadena, Texas. Literally, he was like, I was probably like 13 or 14, and I would not practice my instrument, or I would skip class to go skateboard and smoke weed or whatever. And I would come back into class, and he would be like, you know, sad to see somebody who – you have have a keen ear for music just throw it away and it's like at that age i was like dude do you think saxophone players make money like we do not live in like this is not like we're like coltrane like i'm a 13 year old white kid

who lives i grew up in a trailer park like i'm not like i'm not playing like i'm not going to be like carnegie hall or whatever or fucking like i'm not opening up second of all the last cool white saxophone player bill clinton okay like i'm not joining his ranks i think you are in a lot of ways in what ways would that be you You're going to be the president someday. That would be super sick. Would you make me vice president? I think I'd do a good job. Dude, I think that should be something that more people do.

Like, you don't pick it for, like, a PR purpose. Like, you don't pick somebody who deserves the job or who maybe might run for president one day. You just pick, like, your buddy. Like, Mike. Like, you just pick a guy who you're like, we hang out we hang out we great grill he's not like my best friend but because i wouldn't have my best friend do this he's busy but he's a good friend you know he's like a guy i know he like fixes my car sometimes uh so yeah it's i made my boss from my old job vice president

because i thought it would be funny. Turns out we don't agree politically on anything. Yeah. Turns out he's like a full-blown Nazi. Kind of backfired, but, you know, what's the worst that could happen? Yeah. Yeah, that should – I mean, I know, like, I know George Bush did, like, cabinet appointees. I forget. The guy that he appointed to be head of FEMA was, like, his job before that was he, like, judged horse shows. He was just some guy he knew.

I think his name was Mike Brown or something, which is, like, hilarious to me. Like, he's just a guy that was, like, at the dinner galas, and he's like, hey, do you want to be ahead of, like, the emergency, like, the thing that you need to be an expert? You could, like, he could have given him any bullshit job in the cabinet. It was like, do you, what have you been doing lately, Mikey? Oh, I've been looking at horses. Do you want to run FEMA for, like, eight years? Like, there's one of those moves where you're like, man, obviously like in cabinet positions you know like you just toss a name in there the guy that you work with or somebody that you're trying to push to be president later or it's

just a guy that you like drink beer with in college who is politics adjacent but not involved in any way like hey katrina just happened right hurricane katrina everyone's really really mad at me about that and like a lot of people are dead um i know that your whole job was like seeing if a horse's dick was real nice and big also i feel like you make a lot of money judging horse shows if you're a big team yeah i mean like anything and there's a lot of money in rodeo and stuff equestrian i don't know why that i don't know why that guy was like yeah i should i should be doing this yeah i well i mean paul i mean i mean power and yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean if if somebody that i went to college with was like hey jake do you want to run HUD?

I'm like, what's that? And they're like, housing and urban development. You want to? I know we did shotguns together sometimes, and you seem like you're doing pretty good. What, do you got the podcast now? Do you want to make sure that everyone in America has a house? You seem like a guy who would mentally have the capacity to handle a task like that. Yeah, man, that sounds good.

Yeah, I think I would really enjoy something like that. What would you like to be, Thomas? I'd like to be one of the guards, one of the bodyguards. You want to be Secret Service? No, I want to be the main one. I want to wear civilian clothes and just hang out in the White House. Oh, so you're not like in a suit and you don't have the earpiece. And live there.

And then the chefs cook for me also. What would you, what would you, what would be your meal that you would ask for? Well, actually, I'll be the sprinkler guy at the White House. Dude, being that White House landscaper has to be, like... It seems like it would be very, very, very frustrating. Because imagine, like, all the security clearance you have to go through to, like, mow a fucking yard. Like, you're vetted. Everyone you've ever known is contacted.

Like, for sure, your life is upended. But you're just, like... He's probably been the same guy for a while like i doubt they switch them out very often yeah it's not just like a guy down the road who lives in dc yeah good point like just like you become the new president i doubt you're gonna be like all right first things first we gotta fire the fucking lawn guy yeah that the most annoying thing that i always thought about being like a high up politician not even just president but like is like i like i do enjoy going to the store and just getting a

fucking soda like or just like go like sometimes like to get in the fucking car go get a fucking dr pepper and like a like a thing that's fucking starburst i feel like you you get to like federal level senator like maybe not state representative but like that shit's out the door. You don't get to like at 11 at night. You're like, man, I want a fucking snack. Like a guy goes and does that for you. Like that seems nice, but at least to me, I'm thinking like half the fun. Like just getting in the car, like listening to a couple songs on the feeder road, getting on the freeway,

going to a gas station a little bit out of the way because you just want to go for a little drive you know you don't want to be in the house like you don't be stuck inside the house like you don't do that i think like as like a governor or something you know i'm saying like maybe i'm being stupid but you think about it i bet almost every day greg abbott's like man i wish i could just get up he's like he's talking to his assistant he's like man I just you know before all this crazy stuff

man some days you just want to get up and the guy's like get up and what, sir? And he's like, that's it. I'm imagining, like, I mean, Greg Abbott's, like, a sharper guy than I'd like him to be, you know, or whatever. Like, he's not entirely stupid. No, he's not a dumb guy, yeah.

Yeah, it would be funny if he, like,'s not entirely stupid no he's not a dumb guy yeah yeah it would be funny if he like went crazy and convinced himself that like as soon as he was not governor he didn't have to stay in the chair anymore like he's like man i think it's fucking bullshit that i have to sit in this chair all day just because i'm the governor am i right guys and they're like that's right greg um we need you to sign off on this real quick. Yeah. One time my buddy was a Papa John's delivery guy. And driving around any capital I imagine sucks.

But driving around the Austin capital can be pretty difficult. There's always a protest going on. There's always a marathon, always something. And so he was telling me that he got like a really big order. It was for the capital. It was like the Capitol. It was, like, 30 pizzas. And he had taken a delivery to there before and made a good tip. So he's like, ah, sick.

It's, like, one of the last deliveries of the day before a shift is over. He's just like, I don't remember what time it was. Whatever. He was about to go home. And the normal, like, loaded – they do have, like, a loading place for, like, caterers and stuff to go in, but it was, like, blocked off. So he, like, needed to finish the delivery before he's like he said he drove around the capital like a bunch and he told me that he like went in through a place i guess he found out that you are 100 not supposed to drive a dirty dented up car like the only cars that go through there are like denali's and like you know like

state like they know you know and uh he like rounds the corner and there's like a barrier and there's like a guy like walkie talkie and he's like ah you know like just which is funny to me because i was like i immediately asked him i was kind of skeptical of the story i was like dude you got to go through checkpoints and he was like no man i just got up to like a place where i was just i crossed this threshold and i was like not allowed to be there and i was like sick so i i'm gonna choose to believe you because this story is so far very funny what happened next and he was like well i'm like roll like the guys are like roll it down like they're all like coming up and they've got like they're all like he said that they, and they've got, like, they're all, like, he said that they, like, weren't drawing their guns, but they were, like, very tense.

And he's like, Papa John's. And they're like, you don't deliver through here. You don't bring pizzas through here. I don't know. Like, they're just, like, letting him have it. And he's like, I understand that I fucked up, but this receipt. Like, he's trying. He's like, I have so much pizza back here, like, I know that

I fucked up, the normal load-in place, there was, like, people running by, like, a marathon, I don't know, man, I just need, and they were like, you gotta wait here, and so he, like, waits there, and, like, I guess they call who they need to call, finally, they get a hold of whatever intern unpaid, I imagine, that ordered the pizza, and they, like, wave him through, and he, like, they get a hold of whatever intern, unpaid, I imagine, that ordered the pizza. And they, like, wave him through. And he, like, they, like, don't help him. Like, it's a lot. Like, he brings, like, he goes up a set of stairs. He said he went through, like, three sets of stairs up and then, like, dropped it off on some table.

And so he, like, almost, like, dies. And then they're like, oh, you're good, buddy. Thank you. Thank you for the pizza and he was like i i this is like 150 pounds worth of like bread like pizza dough and they were like you got it thank you for your service like he just like loads it up and then on the way out they're like you have like you know you have a good one sir and he And he was like, dude, I almost got like ventilated for a job that like barely pays me enough to like be alive. It'd be funny if they didn't tip him on that.

Yeah, though, that would have been, I didn't ask. I'm sure he got, so he said the first time that he delivered to the Capitol, it was like good. But if they like were like, yeah, thanks, man. And then gave him like $1. One time whenever I deliver pizzas, it's fine because I don't work here anymore, but I delivered to this car dealership, and it was for like 20 people or whatever. And I didn't take the order over the phone, so I didn't know they wanted this, and it wasn't on the ticket. But I didn't label all the names of everyone's salad.

I didn't write in Sharpie the names on the package so that they would everyone would know what their salad was right so they didn't tip me and it was like it was like 150 bucks or whatever right but they also didn't fill out the tip line or the total line yes right but they did sign off on it uh-huh so i know where this is going yeah i've done that before um many many times and i i i've told people who worked in the service industry some of them are like yes sir and others are like you can't you can't do that and i'm like listen man if what's funny is like i uh it was paid with a business card, right? So it's funny to not tip with a business card.

But also the tip that I wrote in was, like, a very appropriate tip. Yeah. It was, like, 18% or something. Yeah, you didn't go buck wild. It's, like, what I would normally expect. I was like, oh, man, I'm going to – $20. Yeah, you were – yeah. No, I've never, never like i've never gone

buck with it but i have done like i have written in stuff and every time like i've had like the debate with several people who like i worked in the industry with and then like not working in the industry but still friends who do and i'm like man if somebody racks up like a five six like it's five six hundred dollar tab and they like sign off but they don't tip whether or not it was a slip of the mind or an intentional snide towards you like do tip yourself like what's the worst like i don't think i've tried to explain to people maybe they don't agree or they don't understand i'm like if you get fired from a restaurant job like i don't i'm not trying to sound like a bootstrap guy,

but, like, it is a fact of the industry that, like, you get fired from a restaurant job, you can go next door and be like, hey, you guys hiring? Like, it's one of the, like, construction and restaurant and, like, retail are, like, the three things you can be like. Yeah, to not get hired at a restaurant, you have to be, like, either you haven't worked at a restaurant before at all and you just approach it wrong.

Yeah. Because there's like a lot of little things you can kind of do that are weird. Or like, you were just the least likable person on earth. And the ugliest motherfucker that's ever lived. If you're a handsome guy and you're an asshole, they do not care. Yeah, they make you a bartender. Or a bouncer or something. Like, anything, like, yeah. make you a bartender like that like or a bouncer or something like anything like yeah whenever i

worked at a nice restaurant it was funny because uh one time this guy came in dropped off a job application and then just got wasted at the same bar yeah i've done that i've done that before he was like here's my application uh looking forward to hearing from you guys then he like went to the bar and got a drink well i've done the. I've been like already fucked up somewhere. And then I've been like, oh, fuck. I like don't have a job right now. Or I need a second one. And I'm like, are you guys hiring?

One time there was this guy. He was very cool about it. And he actually did end up like shooting me an email, but I never responded. But I was like hopelessly obliterated. And uh-oh. responded but i i was like hopelessly obliterated and uh uh-oh what's up oh we're you just we're just glitching out that's fine um i can hear you everything okay um yeah i uh i i like went there and got drunk and then like asked for an application and the guy was like are you sure i was like sure about what he's like you've had like nine beers man i was like yeah i just need the job he was like i mean okay i get it uh i don't know what the

point of that story was but one time's over now. One time when I worked retail, this kid was caught stealing and then asked if we were hiring. That's respect. It's ballsy. I mean, they didn't give him an application, but I was like, you should have because that's cool. I like that work ethic, yeah. Yeah. You can't buy something? It's like, hey, I can't buy this, but I'll work here until I can.

How about that? Folks, if you listen to this and you didn't think it was fucking hopelessly stupid, you need to go to patreon.com slash pandejo time and drop us a sub. And pay us $500. Pay us $500 in advance. Advance. Because we're trying to get 400 subs before the end of the month, and we're close, baby.

because we're trying to get 400 subs before the end of the month, and we're close, baby. We're closer than a – we're about as close as can be. Right. And that's all, folks. All right, goodbye.